Saturday, February 28, 2015

Batwoman #39

Red Alice is finally here to murderfuck every face in the room!

Red Alice has that super hot look that says, "I'm not into men and even if I were, you'd be way beneath my standards." So irresistible!

Previously in this comic book, some fucking crazy shit was going down all over Gotham. A bunch of crazy characters were involved. And Kate Kane was having mega-sexy sex with Nocturna right on panel! Well, kind of on panel. Maybe I fantasized it. Let's see if this issue contains any more lesbian sex that I can male gaze up as much as possible, making it all about a man's erection!

I know! I pointed out how you're here to murderfuck! That's totally different! And sexy! And illegal in most European nations!

Kate is probably more worried about what Red Alice did to their father anyway. Murderfucking him would be wrong and icky. That might not even turn me on! No wait. I've thought about it for a second and it totally would.

Kate comes out of her bedroom looking so fucking adorable that it breaks my adorable meter. She says, "B-Beth? Its impossible." I guess she lost her apostrophe in Nocturna's sweet vanilla scented sphincter.

Is this Red Alice's schtick? She quotes Through the Looking Glass and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland all the time? Although I'm not sure "I'm not here to kill you" is a line from either novel! Although I can think of several occasions where Alice might have said it.

Next Nocturna comes out in an incredibly short robe and I have to take a masturbation break. Just kidding! I'm not into lesbians! I respect that their love making is not meant for my benefit and that it is an expression of love between two people just like everybody else's sexual exploits. Although all the other sexual encounters turn me on, so I'm just being myself when I wish for an on panel shot of Kate's face between Nocturna's thighs! I mean, if they were guys, that would be totally different because I was only into that during college that one or two or three times. Or however many times before I lost count. I mean, before I realized I totally wasn't into that because I was super heterosexual!

What's with the question mark shape on Kate's back?! Is that a shout out to Renee Montoya?!

This has always been my explanation for Kate and Nocturna's romance. Kate was just looking to cut loose after having her heart broken by Maggie. Or by herself, really, but whatever. Except all you naysaying jerks that wanted to ruin this adorably hot relationship had to run around with your hair on fire yelling, "The sky is raping! The sky is raping!" You guys are always looking for a reason not to have fun and to get to be righteously angry at somebody! Well no more! Kate and Nocturna are consenting fuck partners and that's the end of it! I mean, Nocturna did turn her into a vampire against her will and is manipulating her through the immortal blood but that's different somehow! Just shut up! I like seeing them kiss!

Nocturna and Red Alice start a whole daytime talk show drama filled screamfest until Kate yells at them in her vampire voice to knock it off. The art also takes a hit around this point. I think the inker might have changed! Anyway, Nocturna and Red Alice don't trust each other but they decide to play nice for Kate's sake. At least for now. Or at least in front of her.

Meanwhile, Clayface uses Ragman's computer to Google himself since he's lost his memory after being used as a mold for Morgaine. He discovers he was an insane murderer and doesn't like it much. I guess Ragman doesn't know Clayface's real name or else Clayface could check out his credits on IMDB while he's at the computer.

Showoff. He's just a Diet Spectre! Oh man. Jelyde is gonna be pissed at me for saying that!

This must be the part where the story catches the reader up on all of the other characters. So let's see what's happening with Jason Blood next.

Radhu! I didn't recognize you without the turban! I bet I won't recognize Uncle Harry either if he's not a pillow. Or Glenda without that thing she was known for.

It turns out Morgaine is waiting for Jason in his apartment with Etrigan gagged and bound at her feet. Are they almost in space?!

Morgaine has come in search of that rock that she winds up sticking in a satellite. But Ragman must have sensed injustice happening because he and Clayface call Batwoman to join them in staring into Jason Blood's rear window. At least the gang is finally all together. Now they just need to find a spaceship.

Morgaine practically said "fart."

Etrigan is so shaken up that he rhymes "blind" with "blind" while making no sense anyway, and then rhymes "death" with "death." Anybody can rhyme like that! Actually, anybody can rhyme anything. What is people's fascination with rhymed words? Rhyming is like the first thing you learn in school!

Anyway, Jason Blood disappears and Morgaine runs off to Slaughter Swamp to raise her army of dead mud creatures. Etrigan points out that they should probably chase her down or else the world is going to end and nobody wants it to end. That was a rhyme!

Batwoman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I get that this isn't anywhere near the same level of great that Batwoman was when it had those other people writing and drawing it. You know, whatever their names were. Blackguy and Prince William the Third. But I'm thoroughly enjoying this version of Batgirl as well. The other version was deep and profound and intimate and emotional. This version is simply fun super hero adventures. And as we all know, DC needs as many fun super hero adventures as they can get. Too bad it was at the expense of Batwoman the Urban Legend Killer.

Batman Loves Superman #19

Why are they battling inside Kandor? Couldn't Batman just drop one of his miniature red suns inside, cork it, and shake it like crazy?

I've been taking the Trixie Belden Home Course For Becoming the World's Greatest Detective lately but now I'm wondering if I should even bother. Last issue, it was revealed that the Kandorians were the ones trying to kill Superman. And in my commentary on the issue before that, I said this:

And isn't The Bottled City of Kandor still missing? Maybe one of them got out, driven mad by Superman's hairy sack swinging by the bottle every time he got out of bed to take a whiz.

I bet I even nailed their motivation too!

Well, I can see why Kal-el would want to murder them. Bastards!

Superman's Joker narrates this chapter of the story as if he's speaking with Superman and explaining everything that's going on. But he still doesn't reveal who he is because that's pretty much a last page revelation. If you know how to write a comic book, then you know not to blow your load on the first few pages of the script. I'm not sure why that's a rule though. I'd want to blow like four or five different loads throughout the entire twenty pages. Then the reader will be left wiping cum off of their faces and thinking, "Hoo boy! That was one exciting ride!"

Batman, Superman, and Supergirl have arrived at the Bottled City to find it has been battered by artillery. Or BBs, I guess. They hitched a ride in SHADE's Ant Farm so that they can enter the city and kick some ass. I'm disappointed that they didn't bring Krypto along. I hope they find Streaky while they're in there!

Their first order of business is to figure out what's going on in the bottle. So they prepare to visit Supergirl's friend Tali.

Why is Toymaster's alley undercover work? Oh wait! That's Lois Lane! She must have just come from her undercover investigation of Hiro's corporation.

As the investigation inside Kandor proceeds, it looks like Greg Pak didn't wait until the end of this issue to blow his load at all! I think he blew it last issue when he revealed the magic bullet was a Kandorian.

Superman steps on a device that reads his DNA and identifies him as Kal-el. Then it tells the history of Kandor where the House of El are the villains. Jor-el takes the place of Xa-du and is also behind the explosion of Krypton. Kal-el takes the place of Brainiac and is the one who bottled Kandor and kept them prisoner by his bed where they had to see his gigantic cock slide by their bottled wall every morning. Somebody has convinced them that Superman is their nemesis. And that's all well and good. Even Earthlings get turned against Superman and with far less propaganda or evidence. That's not the part that made me begin forgetting how awesome the magic bullet reveal was last issue.

The information disk conveniently reacts to Kal-el's DNA to tell him this story (I suppose it belonged to his aunt and grandmother on his mom's side who, he just found out, were residents of Kandor). It identifies him as Kal-el and then begins talking to him in the third person about what an asshole Kal-el is. And then some soldiers just happened to surround Superman, Supergirl, and Batman to realize Superman is the evil Kal-el. Superman and Supergirl being distracted enough to be surrounded? I believe that. But Batman is here! Maybe the harsh gravity inside the city has really thrown him off of his game.

Batman invades the tower to rescue the Kandorsheep while Superman and Supergirl seal the bottle from the inside. Idiots. This could have been over so quickly with one red sun cork!

The person behind it all is Xa-du, the Phantom King. He's so forgettable that I keep forgetting to add him to every list of possible suspects whenever somebody is picking on Superman. I hope we get some explanation how he found the Batcave and hacked into the Batcomputer in an earlier issue! Because that was the most difficult part of his plan so far.

Xa-du's super soldiers are Tali, Superman's grandmom, and Superman's aunt. Next issue, Superman will have to punch his Nana in the face.

Batman Loves Superman #19 Rating: No change. When I hear Xa-du the Phantom King is the enemy in a story arc, I instantly begin to lose interest. Maybe he's the kind of villain that really old school readers of DC Comics like to have appear so they can feel nostalgic and young again. To me, there's just something strange and awkward about his entire existence. Maybe that's the point? He's from The Phantom Zone, a place out of time. He shouldn't fit in to modern day comic books. Seeing him is how I would imagine seeing a modern movie if an actor from the forties time traveled to today to be one of the stars. It would be so hard to watch because acting styles from seventy years ago just don't mesh with what we expect from actors today. What I'm trying to say politely is that Xa-du is a boner shriveller! Anyway, this was a bit of a letdown after the awesome reveal from last issue but still a pretty solid story.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Justice League #39

Superman's thumb is jacked up.

Once again, the Justice League faces a possible world ending crisis. And the person behind it all? Lex Luthor. And he's still on the team? Yeah, probably. Sure, he claims it was an accident but the Amazo Virus is still his fault. Batman once knocked out Guy Gardner with far less reason; I think it's time Bats gave Lex a shot too.

The Virus has pretty much infected everybody except Wonder Woman, Superman, and Lex Luthor. Maybe a few other billion humans haven't been affected either but when have they mattered? I'm only discussing characters that will get a few lines in this comic book. Now they have to battle the other members of the Justice League who have turned into a bunch of zombies controlled by some kind of virus hive mind. I expect about ten pages at least to be wasted on another good guy on good guy battle before Lex Luthor points out that Superman's body is full of antibodies so he needs to start pissing in the eyes of the infected to cure them. If that doesn't happen, I'm going to be severely disappointed.

You also battled her more recently in the pages of Batwoman! Remember?! Or is that story, like the Killer Croc story from Batwoman, not canon anymore?! It had one of the top ten emotional moments for me in The New 52 when Diana put Pegasus out of his misery!

While Lex Luthor runs off to fix up a cure by taking a sample of Superman's blood, Wonder Woman remains behind to stall the League. They're slowly getting their powers back which could be trouble. Especially when Aquaman is once again able to communicate with fish. *snicker*

The best part about getting to fight her mind controlled teammates is that Wonder Woman gets to take out all of her frustrations on them without paying any kind of cost. Batman was a condescending prick? Break his nose! Once caught Shazam trying to peak down your top? Kick him in the balls. Flash made too many corny jokes? Break his...oh wait. I was thinking of Wally. Flash bored you over and over and over again? Break Barry's ankle.

Captain Cold joins the battle to fight by Wonder Woman's side.

Hmm. This seems oddly familiar!

This is Doom Bunny as Wonder Woman and me as Captain Cold! Just in case half of you internet denizens can't tell, my outfit is blue and gold, not white and black!

While they battle, Lex Luthor lectures Superman on diseases. But for some reason, he includes hemophilia in his list of diseases that have killed leaders and dynasties. Probably because he couldn't think of very many examples so he padded his list with genetic disorders. After Geoff Johns' bit about bats being blind and bullets freezing in mid-air if the temperature of the air were reduced to absolute zero, I'm beginning to think I might have to evict Ann Nocenti from the Knowledge Fun Farm and replace her with Geoff Johns. And let's not forget his bad math in Justice League #7 where the team explain how often Cyborg's BOOM Tubes yank them off to Apokolips!

Which means you're going to have to piss in everybody's eyes! Get the Gatorade ready! Stat!

Captain Cold winds up saving the day by confusing Patient Zero with his freeze gun. That gives Superman the go ahead to use his freeze breath which he was worried about using because he didn't want Patient Zero stealing his copyright. Apparently the virus can't deal with the cold, so Superman freezes him into solid ice and all the other infected zombies drop to the ground and slide back into comas. Hurray! I think.

Lex Luthor pouts because he didn't get to save the day his way. Although the day is far from saved! I'm sure a big twist is about to happen! Like Patient Zero escaping with his heat vision!

Except that doesn't happen. Everybody gets vaccinated except for those few families that don't understand science so I guess they die instead. Or The Flash just inoculates them when they aren't looking and then throws a dead bee on the ground near them so they're none the wiser. But three percent of the infected get to retain their super powers! It's like Bloodlines all over again! A whole bunch of new heroes waiting for Work For Hire writers to create them so DC can cash in on the ones that become popular! Three cheers for corporate greed!

Plus some guy named Amos Fortune eats a candy cigarette as he watches the sunset and thinks about how none of the assassins he sent out managed to kill Lex Luthor.

And what of Patient Zero?!

Surprise twist! He's the new Amazo!

And finally, Hal Jordan comes back to Earth to teach Power Ring how to control her symbiotic alien ring. I'm sure it works almost exactly like a Green Lantern ring. Except exactly the opposite.

Justice League #39 Rating: +2 Ranking because Captain Cold was pretty much the hero. Everybody should start kissing his ass now. This is probably a better version of Amazo simply because I like him being an incubator for a sentient virus more than I like him being a robot. And I guess we're not done with Darkseid since next issue is the prelude to something called The Darkseid War. Fucking Christ. After World's End, I really don't care if I never read another Darkseid or Apokolips story in my life! I might have to kill myself before Justice League #41. Not #40 because I think I can handle a prelude! Plus I don't want to miss the big Conversion Event!

Teen Titans #7

In this issue, Wonder Girl makes out with Beast Boy's tentacle. I hope that's his tentacle.

I'm going to start playing a lot of old school text and graphic adventures in my spare time, so I'm going to be asking you all for help when I get stuck. Like sometimes, I'll be all, "I don't know how to get past the overly talkative mime that keeps pretending I'm trapped in her invisible box with her. In my inventory, I've got a package of bubble gum, a forked stick, a telescoping claw, and a .44 magnum with no ammunition. What do I do?!" And you'll all be, "Oh! That's easy! Shoot the mime with the gun and the mime will pretend a bullet has been fired out of it and die dramatically!" And I'll be, "Oh! Thanks! Man, I should have known that!" And you'll all think, "That Tess is an idiot as well as a jerk."

I should probably save that puzzle for my the next text adventure I write! Nobody steal it!

The first thing I notice when I open the cover is that Kenneth Rocafort is back doing the art. I probably should have noticed that when I was looking at the cover but I only sometimes read the names of the creators. Usually I already know who they are and if it changes, I'll notice when I open the book. Like this time! Anyway, I guess I'd better prepare myself for chaotic panel layouts, weird lines drawn helter skelter outside all of the panels, and lots of people looking like they haven't washed their hair in five days.

Last issue, STAR Labs turned into a mushroom cloud. This issue, the Teen Titans head to the site to investigate. Don't worry. They're superheroes. Radiation either doesn't hurt them or just gives them more super powers.

Once at Ground Zero, Red Robin takes some readings and breathes a huge sigh of relief as he reports no signs of radiation. If he's such a super genius, shouldn't he have made sure of that first? I mean, the others would have been fine! Power Girl and Wonder Girl are probably immune. Raven can cleanse the air around her. Beast Boy can turn into a cockroach. Bunker could surround himself with bricks. But they still don't know who caused this! But they know a shirtless cool British smoker who knows!

Darn! I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be John Constantine minus his shirt!

Operation Paperclip is that operation where the allies scooped up all the horrible Nazi doctors and scientists so that they could benefit from all of the horrible knowledge they gained from gassing people. Are we still going to use Nazi doctors as antagonists? Do the Teen Titans even know who the Nazis were? That was like bunches of decades ago! And it had nothing to do with hip hop or pop music or Harry Potter!

I bet out of all these kids, only Red Robin knows about it and that's only because we have to, collectively, maintain the illusion that he's a super genius. If just one of us points out that his brain has no clothes, the entire illusion will unravel! So believe hard, boys and girls! Just remember that if Tim Drake is going to later become Harvest, he must be a super genius!

It's seriously bugging me that Manchester Black said "Of course you did" instead of "Of course you have."

I'm still not certain how the bad guys who set off the nuclear bomb survived the blast! But that's just because I'm a terrible comic book reader. I can believe in a boy that can change himself into any animal he can think of (but he can't turn into female versions of them. Arbitrary!) but I can't believe in a nuclear bomb that people standing at ground zero of the blast can survive. I guess I'm just not imaginative enough!

Wonder Girl kidnaps one of the bad guys and Raven reads his mind to find out that the bad men are going to erase part of New York City. The bad men also apparently have access to time travel. Also they can teleport because the bad man disappears. The Titans just stand around doing nothing, just like Power Girl accused them of always doing. Instead of rushing in to stop the people stealing the STAR Labs weapons while Raven interrogates the prisoner, they just stand around watching Raven work. Wonder Girl did inform the rest of them that a bunch of guys were stealing shit, right? No? Did she just keep that part to herself? Well, whatever happened, it's too late now! New York is about to get erased!

Oh, I guess they don't have time travel or teleportation. They just have a Fermata Device.

Before Manchester Black can finish his explanation of whatever bullshit he was explaining, the Bad Men (now with capital letters!) activate the Fermata Device again. I guess they want to molest some women on a subway or something before they activate The Eraser. Raven and Beast Boy are the only two not affected by the device because Raven is magical and Beast Boy comes up with a brilliant theory about how Mayflies must live in a slowed down version of time to make up for their twenty-four hour lifespan.

Wait, did I say brilliant? Just replace that with...oh, never mind. He can have that one.

Raven and Beast Boy discover the Fermata Device and Gar destroys it because he's not the smartest Teen Titan. I mean, really, I think the main danger was the Eraser! It would have been better to destroy that while he had lots of free Fermata time!

I think transforming from a mayfly into a whale breaks about a dozen laws of thermodynamics. Are there a dozen of those? Maybe there are only three!

Once time is restored, Raven teleports the rest of the Titans to their location to help destroy the Eraser. Of course, if Gar had left the Fermata Device alone, Raven still could have teleported the rest of the group into the space where time was working just fine. Just a little Monday morning quartersportsing!

Beast Boy turns into a rhino and charges into the Eraser, destroying it. Then the lead Bad Man begins chanting, "This is all according to plan!" Oh fuck. Not another one of these assholes. I'm so sick of asshole bad guys devising plans where they fail the first part of the plan and get their asses kicked before the part of the plan that will work kicks into gear. Do they just love getting their asses beat while they work? Why is this part of the fucking plan, you idiots?!

Raven shuts the guy up with her dark magics but since this was only Part One of the story, the team had better listen to that whole bit about this failure being part of the plan.

Beast Boy discovers that the hologram camera used to threaten all of New York was still up and running during the fight. So they all pose in front of it!

Now two (or more?) of you fuck for the city!

This is actually a good moment and one that this team has needed for three years. During all of Lobdell's run, the Teen Titans were never a public team. Perhaps the only time anybody might have noticed them was when they battled Trigon in the middle of New York. But of course, that was just used to turn the city and its inhabitants against the team. But then when this series began, the team was somehow popular enough that they have groupies all over the place. It didn't really make any sense. But this moment solidifies their place as teen saviors of New York and beloved local heroes! This might be the moment where I'm going to get all turned around on this series because this moment is so important.

So now that the city has a reason to love the Teen Titans, they can get to some serious work kicking ass! And now when people flock to them and copy them and worship them, I won't bitch about it anymore. They've actually become celebrities through the story instead of Pfeifer constantly telling us that they're celebrities.

Now I just need a flashback where Red Robin tells everybody that he's Tim Drake. Although even when he was keeping his identity secret, he palled around with his team without a mask on. Is he too stupid to realize that a thing like reverse image search exists on Google? I'm sure there are plenty of pictures of him at Wayne Enterprise functions hanging out with Bruce Wayne that any of the Titans could have found easily enough. I think they were all just letting him have his secret while all pretending not to know. And then between Lobdell's run and this one, he eventually told them and they all went, "Oh! We're so surprised!"

Also, Tim might have told them in Lobdell's run and I simply forgot all about it. I mean, he did have sex with all the female members that time he was possessed by Trigon (who, according to  the comic book Trigon #1, loves and adores rape).

The issue ends on an ominous note that threatens to make me take back everything nice I just said about it.

Burnyman McCracklingface is the new Harvest!

Teen Titans #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this really what the Teen Titans needs? They get another shot at life after the mess Lobdell put them through and now they've got another Harvest on their asses? I liked this issue but I can't stand that whole according to plan bullshit. It's not ominous; it's just annoying as fuck. If these guys are such geniuses that they can devise plans where they get their asses kicked over and over and over again because that's what needs to happen to finally beat the good guys, how about just scrapping that plan and coming up with one where you never get your asses kicked in the first place? I think that would be far easier to plan than some kind of Rube Goldberg machine of getting your ass kicked where hundreds of thousands of pieces have to fall exactly into place for everything to work out just right. So many random things could go wrong at any moment! What if Superman had decided to get involved? That would have ruined the plan, right? What if The Eraser had actually worked! Would that have ruined the plan? Just knock it off with these convoluted plans, Bad Guys! Whatever happened to just shooting the good guy in the face with a flamethrower? I mean, that never works either but at least it makes sense that somebody would try it! You know, as opposed to going into battle with a flamethrower you never actually plan on using because you want to lose. "Whoops, The Batman! Look at that! I just dropped my flamethrower and accidentally kicked it into a storm drain! What am I ever to do?!"

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Wonder Woman #39

She'll bring home the bacon! Fry it up in a pan! Beat up some bad guys! And never let you forget you're Superman!

Poor, poor Wonder Woman! She's so stressed out from her busy life as a surrogate mother to Zeke, as a crime fighter for the Justice League, as a girlfriend to Superman, and as a princess to the Amazons on Paradise Island. Nobody ever told her being a modern woman would be so difficult! Well, Aquaman tried to tell her. But who listens to him?

Wonder Woman has been devoting most of her time to one of the Justice League's new mysteries. Small villages around the globe have been disappearing and nobody knows why. Although the first one was wiped out by a flood when a dam was destroyed, I thought. That didn't seem like much of a mystery at all! But everybody, including Swamp Thing, treated it as a mystery. It's possible Meredith Finch wasn't able to explain it as well as she would have liked to since David kept pestering her about writing parts of the story that would highlight Wonder Woman's ass. But now while investigating one of these lost villages, Superman has also been lost! Let's hope he hasn't been mind controlled again!

Does a drone with a spotlight constantly follow Wonder Woman around to light her perfectly?

So they found Superman smashing bugs deep in the tunnels. I'm sure he's not being controlled by a super insect lodged in his ear or anything. They follow a swarm of the bugs deeper into the cave where they find hundreds of humans wrapped up in spider webs. They also discover a humanoid figure standing in the middle of the cavern. Wonder Woman decides the best course of action is to run up and stab it in the back. No "Hello, can we help you?" No "What are you doing in this bug infested cave, sir?" Not a single doubt that this figure is behind the disappearance of all the villagers across the world. Even if I were to believe that this is Wonder Woman's usual attitude, it would be hard to swallow that she's being this careless in the same storyline where she already did this same exact thing to Swamp Thing only to find out she was attacking an ally. Hopefully she's right this time about this person being an enemy because she practically chops off a kidney on her first surprise attack.

Well, at least he was definitely one of the enemies.

As you can see, Wonder Woman has now proclaimed herself justice. When people have been kidnapped and used for food by ravenous insect people, she'll be there! When Superman needs a hot bowl of soup and person he can vent to about his day (while she hopefully remains quiet about hers), she'll be there! When Zeke needs to be protected from Zeus's first born asshole, she'll be there! When the Amazons need a leader to protect them against rampaging monsters, she'll...well, she can't be everywhere now, can she?

After nearly murdering the insect man, Superman stops her because he doesn't approve of the way she's acting. That's when she sends the men out of the room so she can have a good cry. Because nobody wants to read a too masculine Wonder Woman who only punches and stabs and murders! That's a total turn off! We need her to be all feminine and emotional as well! It's a good thing the Finches are keeping the proper balance of the Wonder Woman we're all used to, vacillating between blood lust and emotional collapse!

Oh, fuck you and your man-lines, Batman.

The Finches are writing the definitive Wonder Woman story here! Here we see how they're comparing what it's like to be a "woman" super hero versus being a "man" super hero. It's quite different, you know! But it takes a great writer and artist to portray the subtleties between the sexes. As you can see, Batman is a man not just because he has "man" in his name but because he is coldly logical and doesn't let his emotions get in the way. Wonder Woman is a woman not just because she has "woman" in her name but because she's ruled by emotion over boundaries and rules. She kills not because she's a violent, testosterone riddled hairy beast but because she's so consumed with love for her fellow human that anybody capable of killing other humans must be killed. And then she cries about it, just in case you didn't understand how feminine she is after she's been spattered in blood and gore.

Batman acts like a male when he points out that he's better than Wonder Woman. See how he makes sure she realizes that he won't be responsible for the death of this insect-man because he has self-control. But she acted like an amateur that doesn't understand that Batman believes everybody needs to follow the same rules he follows. That's what men do! They think everybody should act how they act because duh! They're men!

That's right, sister! You put that fucker in his place!

This argument has probably been pointed out to Batman a number of times over the course of his career. I know I've mentioned it once or twice that, at times, Batman's lack of killing only assures that more people will die. It's ultimately arrogant and simply maintains Batman's thirty two year streak of never having killed anybody. People might die but at least Batman can point out that he didn't kill any of them, whether or not their deaths could have been prevented if he'd only killed the person that killed them. I think this argument only works if we discard Batman's "higher standard" argument. I've never been a fan of the idea that Batman doesn't kill because then he'd be like the criminals he tries to stop. Who the fuck cares?! But if we, and Wonder Woman, were to understand that Batman doesn't kill because he knows it will drive him to a place where he kills again and again because it's easier, then I completely understand why Batman refuses to kill. Like an addict, he knows that one kill will lead to more kills. That's the way I see Batman's aversion to killing. But in that scenario, Batman needs to simply shut up about the possible blood on Diana's hands. If his aversion to killing is simply about himself, then he shouldn't become a didactic, preachy dick to other people who choose to kill. Unless, perhaps, he seems to see something of himself in them and their drive to kill. I think if it were a personal choice because he's a murder addict, his relationship with Jason Todd would really come into focus and become a whole lot more interesting.

Later, Wonder Woman questions herself because Batman questioned her. Could he know her better than she knows herself?! I mean, probably because he is The Jeezly Crow Batman! The ghost of her mother appears to tell her she's doing what she's supposed to be doing since she's an Amazon and Amazon's love to murder out of fear. Seems like good advice!

And then finally, the lost male "Amazons" appear in the comic. Just in time to see them packing up to leave the island!

Good riddance to man rubbish! Get the fuck out! Don't let the door hit you on the dick on the way out!

Why does Wonder Woman even care? Weren't these brothers of the Amazons fine living with Hephaestus? Why can't they just go back to that life? Besides, who wants to live on an island full of women but you can't have sex with any of those women because they're all your sisters?! Some weird hanky panky is going to eventually take place and I'm going to feel really grossed out when I'm aroused by it.

Diana heads into Themyscira to tell her people to leave the whiny, pathetic, impotent men alone. But when she enters the city, she finds a crowd of people listening to a woman she's never seen before: Donna Troy!

What?! That's like the exact opposite of Wonder Woman's plan. I sense conflict in their future!

Wonder Woman is all, "The men are mine! I protect them because they are weak!" And Donna Troy is all, "Who the fuck are you, bitch?" And Wonder Woman is all, "I'm the Queen!" And Donna Troy is all, "Funny, I've never heard of you? Have any of you ever heard of her?" And all the Amazons are all, "What? Diana who? Seems like I kind of remember somebody by that name that used to not live in London and actually lived where she was needed." And Wonder Woman is all, "Die! I love to murder out of fear!" And Donna Troy is all, "Bring it!" And then the comic book is over before they get to the sword fight which seems like quite the male thing to do.

Wonder Woman #39 Rating: No change. I'm not really sure how good this book is because I'm enjoying being a huge dick about it. Sometimes I can't rightly judge through my own hyperbole. One thing I know for sure: Aubrey Plaza should play Donna Troy in the horrible movie version of this series.

PS I can't wait to see how the Insect Queen story arc merges with the Donna Troy Queen story arc! So subtle!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16

Hey. Hey Tumblr. Lesh me tellsh you a shecret. You're drunk. No wait. I'm drunk. You're kind of cute. Can I put my hand in your crotsch? Yeah. Here I go! Going down. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Um. Uh. Tumblr? Do you have a crotsch? Your torsho jusht keepsh goink and goink and goink. You're weird. Imma not gonna fuck you now. Good bye.

Hey. Hey Blogshpot, you whore.

End scene! That was my short play, Drunk Guy Fucks Internet. I'm going to win a Pulitzer! Do you win those for plays?

Last issue of Superman Loves Wonder Woman was, surprisingly, garbage. You might think it brings a thrill to my black little hole where my soul would be if souls existed to shovel shit all over a comic book I found poorly written but then you'd have another think coming. I mean, you would if you wanted to keep thinking thoughts until you thought the correct thought. I don't like trashing a comic book written by a writer that I've grown to respect. Peter Tomasi has done some fine work for The New 52 (and apparently some fine Preboot stuff too but how would I know about that stuff? I didn't exist before September 2011. I mean, I didn't start reading comic books until I was summoned from the 34th Plane of the Abyss before September 2011. I mean, I began reading comic books again in September 2011). And since he's written some of my favorite stuff, I hate to slap him in the head and scream, "Don't do bad writing!" I found that doesn't work for Lobdell and Nocenti but it's fun slapping them anyway. Also, I don't believe in actual physical violence. I'm just writing words here, words that express an imaginary situation.

I forget what the point of that last paragraph was going to be so let's move on to the comic book, shall we?

The issue begins with little David Magog remembering his mother being taken away by Parademons five years ago.

"NO! Fuck you Superman and Wonder Woman! How dare you not have any part of my mother being stolen by alien beings!"

I'm glad nobody can see my memories like this! Because when my mom was bleeding out in the car accident, I yelled, "Mom! I hope you have your will squared away so I don't have to worry about a ton of bureaucratic nonsense!"

That was a lie. My mom is still alive. She calls me to discuss Walking Dead every other week or so. She's the one to thank that I'm incapable of emotion because I buried the heart of my secret self deep within me. It was the only way to not completely flip the fuck out when she would watch horror movies with me every weekend. I was just a kid! I thought it was fun! I had no idea it was going to wear my psyche down to a fine polish so that everything in life just slips right past it. Now I can't love and I can't take anything seriously and I keep the rotting carcasses of neighborhood children in my basement.

Shit man. This commentary is getting dark! Maybe I should give you guys my mother's phone number so you can call her and yell at her for ruining my life! Or you could just call her up and discuss the Walking Dead with her. She'd totally love that!

Is that weird that Wonder Woman trusts her mother? Is that a common thing? You might understand why I ask that after having read the previous few paragraphs.

For some reason, Circe doesn't like Wonder Woman. It might have been explained last issue. Or it might be explained in a page or two by Circe herself since villains love to, you know, spill the beans. Literally?

I know why Magog wants to kill Superman! Because Magog is an idiot projecting his rage against Darkseid onto Superman and the other Justice League members. He and David Graves should really begin a support network for people whose loved ones died because a super hero wasn't around to save them. Lana Lang was almost a member of this group but she realized she was acting like a brat and throwing a tantrum because her friend Superman didn't give her parents special life-saving treatment.

Oh, enough out of you! Deal with your guilt in a less destructive way. Have you tried roleplaying games?

Meanwhile some Evil Mister Smarty Pants continues to plan his evil plan using the Fearsome Five and some other b-list villains like Atomic Skull and Major Disaster.

Circe teleports away with Wonder Woman and leaves Magog to murder Superman while he's busy holding the bridge together. Instead, Superman decides to kick Magog's ass with just his eyes.

I guess he uses his feet a bit too.

Superman beats Magog down, fixes the bridge, and breaks Magog's weapon. When he does, he's vaporized instantly! Or maybe just teleported to another location. Who can guess?!

Circe has brought Wonder Woman, encased in asphalt, to the island of AIAIA! Now's where she tells her why she wants to kill her!

Oh, Circe is evil! Trying to stir up all this Amazons are rapists and Wonder Woman is the son of a man shit again!

Superman appears but since Circe is magic, he's not going to be much use. He might look at her angrily and say some bold, righteous words of justice, but in the end he'll just get taken out of the fight by a simple spell. Meanwhile Wonder Woman breaks out of her asphalt tomb and begins bashing in the heads of Circe's ani-men. What does that stand for? Animal Men? Animated Semen? When she's finished knocking Circe's entire army unconscious, Circe tells her she as decided not to kill Wonder Woman now. Instead, she'll have Superman kill as many humans as possible because that would totally hurt Diana's feelings. Although, you know, this is a really good time for Wonder Woman to take some of her anger out on Superman over giving her that stupid flower that turns into a monster if it doesn't get fed on a daily basis. What a douche present! She should knock out at least one of his molars for that shit.

I'm fucking serious this time, Superman. You need to check yourself, brah! This whole thing where you tell everybody in the world that you're not dangerous to the world and you don't plan on becoming a fascist leader forcing everybody to do your whim in a ploy to eradicate evil. But you keep fucking getting mind controlled which is even worse! All of those people in power, all of the citizens afraid of your power, and Lex Luthor...all of those people I'm constantly calling assholes because they don't believe in you...fuck man. I owe them all an apology! Because you are a fucking hazard to Earth! Until you find a way to assure everybody that you won't destroy the world because Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Circe or Doomsday have taken over your senses, you need to get the fuck off of the planet. At least let Batman rig some kind of Kryptonite Suicide Capsule in one of your molars which he can activate by remote control. You may never plan on hurting anybody on Earth, Superman, but you've proven that you haven't done enough to stop other people from using you to hurt everybody on Earth. You need to go to Mars and figure something out because I'm sick of you going on these mind control rampages!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16 Rating: -1 Ranking. I guess this story arc is supposed to be exciting because Superman and Wonder Woman are being challenged by two of their biggest foes, Magog and Circe. But neither one of them are really angry at either one of the heroes! It's all just misplaced rage! Supervillains are supposed to be smart and/or insane. I think these two are just stupid. Okay, maybe Magog went insane as a little kid and then went even more insane when only five years later a super hot witch turned him into a real live man and probably taught him about carnal good times. But Circe is just being a dick because she's pissed off at Hippolyta. Go take your revenge on Hippolyta if you're so...oh. Right. Oh, okay. Carry on then. Beat the shit out of her daughter! I mean, after Superman beats the shit out of her.

Batgirl #39

Spoiler Alert: Batgirl kicks its ass!

Dear Diary!

I drew a pornographic picture this morning! I know! I'm so nasty. And then I did that thing that artists on the interspace do where they take a picture of it along with their drawing implement to show how amazing their work was when it was done with just that one piece of equipment! Close your eyes if you've never seen a penis before, Diary!

I've only ever seen one and it was quick and blurry and on Frankie's phone but I think I got it mostly right here! I had to guess at the balls but since they're called balls, they must look like two balls under the penis, right?!

Godzarks, I sound like such a naive dweebort. I'm twenty-one years old and I've never touched a penis and I'm making up silly words in my bedazzled purple diary! No offense, Diary! But I shouldn't be writing my secrets into you! I should be whispering them into the ear of a manly man as his penis spins inside of me! Or however it works! Ugh! I'm so pent up with vaginal fluid! Can't that drive a woman mad?! I think I have blue ovaries from not getting any! Why are guys such goddamn teases?! I mean the hot guys who I want to ravish my sexiness, not those creeper guys that say things like "Milady" and "I'm a nice guy!" Because usually the next words out of their mouths when you say "No thanks!" are "You cunt!" I am so over guys who have to declare themselves as nice guys because they certainly have never shown how nice they are.

You know what else I'm just about over with right now, Diary? Burnside! Talk about betrayal! Now I know how Superman feels when he saves the day every single day and then Congress calls him before it and is all, "Give us some proof that you won't turn on us and be an evil jerk. Wear this collar!" or whatever. This is why Batman learned that trick where he disappears the second you aren't looking him directly in the eyes! Anyswayze, you probably want to hear all about it, don't you, Diary? Of course you do! That's why you sold yourself to me! So that I'd spread you open and stick my pen inside of you!

So a few nights ago, I found myself being chased by a bunch of crazy, amateur vigilantes. No wait. Let's call them a lynch mob because what they were doing was way different than what B-man and I do! B-man is code just in case somebody finds you hidden in my dirty panties under the bed!

At least my ass looked extremely touchable that night!

I wrote "touchable" because I don't want to seem weird by saying "lickable." Does that make me weird, Diary, that when I think about a guy's tongue in my ass my inner thighs become more spectacular than Angel Falls? When I was much, much younger (like sixteen or something), I remember walking down the street with my best friend Sarah Swayze (it's why I started saying "Anyswayze!" She always said, "Whatevegordon!") and walking in front of us was a hetero couple. The girl had her arm around the guy's waist and the guy had his hand in the crack of the girl's ass, rubbing it! Sarah was all, "Eww! Gross! You're supposed to just cup the buttcheek!" And I just said, partially moaning and growing slightly dizzy with severe jelly legs, "Um, yeah. Right." But really I was thinking how awesome it would feel to have a man's fingers slowly caressing my tailpipe! I almost called it my poop faucet just now but I don't want to think about poop when I'm thinking about a guy touching my butthole! And even though Sarah was my best friend, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that what that guy was doing to that girl was turning me into unsellable swamp lands. I felt like that made me weird! But maybe Sarah was the weird one, right? Maybe most girls like their bucket kissed!

Anyswayze, I was up on this roof with a bunch of normies chasing me down! It's always hard to defend oneself against normal people because you can't really do much without hurting them. They're all so flabby and untrained and have, most likely, never taken a punch in their lives! So I had to run like a coward while trying to convince them that I was their friend! I was there to save the city! I could help Burnside! Didn't these people understand that I was the neighborhood's savior?!

Hmm, now that I write it like that, it seems a bit arrogant, doesn't it Diary? No wonder some people hate Green Arrow. He's always all, "You people can't control yourselves! You've made such a rotten mess of everything that now I have to take you by the hands and show you the way! You're lousy citizens that fudge up every thing you try to do and only one person can save you now!" Then he pulls out his stupid ass bow and arrow and raise them above his head and yells, "Green Arrow!" And he expects everybody to cheer? He's lucky he doesn't get pelted with fruit every time somebody spies him.

Although he is kind of hot. I wouldn't mind climbing up his space needle.

Qadir is cute in that doesn't really perform much upkeep on himself kind of way. But his sister would kill me!

So here was my problem, Diary! No, not the I can't get laid problem. Enough with that! Sex isn't all young women think about, you know! I also think about justice and my thesis! And sometimes I concentrate really hard hoping I can curse Grump Canary into feeling super guilty about giving me a hard time so that she'll come crawling back to apologize. Then I can apologize too and we'll cry and laugh and drink some hot chocolate together. Then she'll tell me that Condom fell off of a building and died and we'll decide to get the Birds of Prey back together! And we'll start by bailing Starling out of the drunk tank and giving her shooting lessons so that maybe she can hit something once in awhile. And then we'll get Poison Ivy on the team because our team needs that bad girl edge even if I'll wind up arguing with her a lot about how we can't be killing people and trying to rape them with mind control lipstick pheromones. I'd probably suggest we steer clear of Katana because remember that time she blew up that hotel that hadn't yet been evacuated? Holy ballsacks, she killed a lot of innocent people that time. I wonder why none of us ever talked about it?!

Anyswayze, back to my problem! Burnside hated Batgirl and not just because I'm unlikable! I mean, I'm not unlikable at all! The reason they hated me was because I had like eighteen thousand imposter wannabes pretending to be me! And one of them was trying to bone my almost boyfriend Liam the Cop! That makes me so mad! Not before I've sullied him first!

Ugh. I keep getting distracted! The problem with having an eidetic memory is that I can't forget any of my problems ever for even one moment and they're all crowding into the front of my brain vying for my attention! So my problem was this: somebody put out a hit on me for $20 Million Scratcheroonies. Scratcheroonies are roughly equal to one dollar. And they posted it all over HOOQ! So now the people I'm trying to date all probably want to kill me! Vagina, no wonder you're full of cobwebs.

So those were just a few of the problems I was having. And I still haven't mentioned my thesis boner. The bad kind of boner, Diary! Not the presumably good kind of boner!

How can I be like the smartest person I know and this old fart academic can make me feel so stupid? To my level of intelligence, he's no smarter than the guy that dishes up popcorn down at the Movieplex. No offense intended, Josh of the cute, tight acrylic pants. But come on. You are kind of dumb. And cute.

So after the disaster of a thesis meeting with Old Mister Bald Fart Crotch (I mean, I totally respect him and everything but let's face it: he's definitely a super villain!), I learned from Cute but Maybe a Bit Too Old Jeremy Office Across the Hall that Grump Canary's band, Ashes on Bumday, were going to be playing the big HOOQ party. And he was all, "She's so hot! I sure would love to do adult things to her!" And I was all, "Poo! She's not so good looking!" And Jeremy was all, "How come when I talk to you, you bite your lower lip until it bleeds?" And I was all, "Stop noticing those things because I have an almost boyfriend and you can't have sex with me because you're old and you think Grump Canary is hot!" And he was all, "Barbara? Barbara? Hello? Are you having a fantasy conversation in your head while I'm talking about possibly smooching on your friend?" And I was all, "Take me now, Jesus!" And Nadimah was all, "Mohammad." And I was all, "Whatever. Either one!"

The point I'm trying to make is school is stressful and messed up! And my home life is stressful and messed up! And my love life is stressful and messed up and nonexistent! And my friendship with Grump Canary is stressful and messed up!

Has life ever been this hard for anybody ever?!

So I found a roof to cry on when I heard somebody call for help! A damsel in distress! I would save the day because at least that was something I knew I could always succeed at! I mean at which I could always succeed! I'm no illiterate! And I kick major ass too! I kind of interrupted my thought there but whatevegordon!

So I'm kicking the asses of these guys in skull masks when the damsel in distress turns out not to be in distress at all! It was a big trick to earn the 20 Million Scratcheroonies! Gah! Now my crime fighting was stressful and messed up too! But wait! What was that, Diary!? Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it's...well, yeah, actually it was a bird.

Oh my god. She's so hot. Next to Dinah, I look like a spilled bowl of nachos.

When Dinah said we were going to have a "staff meeting," it was a pun! Because she wanted to train with bo staffs! Staves? Hunh, maybe I am illiterate!

So Dinah and I sparred while we talked over the Mystery of Batgirl Trying to Defeat Batgirl. She was so funny and cute and sexy, I'm surprised I could concentrate on anything. How come the entire city isn't in love with this woman?! Why doesn't she have her own town that she's defending where everybody cheers when they see her fly by in the night and then immediately bring themselves to orgasm where they stand because holy shit her body is on point. I bet her butthole smells like vanilla pudding! How come there isn't a national holiday dedicated to Black Canary?! This woman has everything! Plus she helped me figure out who my super secret super villain was! It was WOPR! I mean, HOOQ!

That explains it all somehow!

So my revelation about Frankie being in trouble was spot on. GENIUS! I mean, I shouldn't be so excited about getting that right! Frankie was in trouble! Kidnapped by HOOQ! Or, um, I guess whoever was running HOOQ and using my brain scan to his advantage. Was it Riot Black, Diary? Don't make me spoil the ending! I'll get to it soon enough (although I might have to take a break and continue this entry later because sometimes life needs a cliffhanger, you know?!). So Grump Canary and I headed on over to HOOQ headquarters where it looked like Frankie was being held captive by the Secret, Mystery Evil Smarty Pants! Canary would be back-up and I would go in boobs flopping and feet kicking and mouth "Hi-ya!"ing! Total action movie rescue and then my life would be all better!

Anyswayze, I found Frankie sitting in front of a computer terminal looking at video of me getting Bat-dressed. She would have to die! I mean, it's cool. It's always better when your roommate knows your secret. It helps explain all the bloody clothing on wash day, you know? And I guess brain scans have really made leaps and bounds in technical advancements because she even had video of me being shot by The Joker which wasn't from my perspective at all but from behind my head! What the hell is up with that, memory?! Also, can you believe that actually happened? Like, when I think about it, it seems like the kind of story that was supposed to just be a daydream and not really a part of your life, say, in canon, but then all of a sudden you wake up and some dick editor was like, "Yeah, yeah! This should be like a true story and shit! Cripple that bitch!" And you're all, "Aw, fuck. What did I do to deserve this?!" But then you're all, "You know what? Fuck this bullshit shit! I'm going to be a bad-ass super hero anyway!" And then it's almost like an out of body experience when you make that transition. Almost as if some Unknowable God that might be called, I don't know, Ostrander or something...almost like he saw your true potential and he lifted you up and set you in the chair in front of a computer and he whispered proudly in your ear: "Do what you do best, Batgirl." And yet another moment in your life begins but this time with a more metaphorical BAM! And you rain hell down on the bad guys calling yourself Oracle because it's like flipping off that fucking editor and writer that one day decided your life didn't mean shit and you were a nobody and maybe it might be a nice, shocking moment to have you shot in the fucking spine. Well, fuck you, life! Batgirl keeps kicking ass!

Oh, also the computer told me that I wasn't Batgirl and that it was. Shit. I guess I was going to have to play five million games of Tic Tac Toe with it to show it the meaning of futility! Also, I could kick it in the face. That's almost the same definition! But the end of this story will have to wait until next time, Diary! I need to pee so bad!

Batgirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I truly love reading this book. Burnside Batgirl has become my favorite Batgirl. Granted, I haven't read a whole lot of Batgirl comic books. Although I was reading Suicide Squad off the shelves and I loved it and I loved Oracle, so if I had to choose between this Batgirl and when she was Oracle in Suicide Squad, I'd have to say, "Fuck you. I don't have to choose at all!" So there.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Batman and Robin #39

Damian's quinceaƱero goes horribly wrong.

I either need to invest in a notebook or a scribe because, while I was out in the scary world (aka the real world), I forgot the subjects I was going to muse about on this blog. That might be for the best since most readers of this blog think of it as a blog about comic books no matter how many times I point out that it's a blog about the most gifted person ever born to the modern era: Nikola Tesla. It's also a blog about me. I really should start making it more obviously about Nikola though.

Previously in Batman and Robin, Damian had begun to believe that gaining super powers was somehow a shortcut to adulthood. I can see how somebody powerful enough to shove their parents through a wall could make that mistake. But Damian's parents are Batman and Alfred, so even if Damian is powerful enough to turn them into billion dollar paste, it doesn't mean he's going to be capable of it. So that fucking brat had better shape up quick! Especially since there are only two issues left (counting this one!) before Batman can finally give Damian a hug.

This issue begins with Damian using his super speed to round up a few of Gotham's elite criminals. Well, one elite criminal and several nobodies. If you're keeping score, The Penguin is the elite criminal. Killer Croc, Bathead, Smush, Bootface, and Scallop are the nobodies. Okay fine! Killer Croc is a b-list somebody! But you have to admit that he isn't an "elite criminal." At the most, he's hired muscle and a fucking cannibal.

Damian gathers them all up in a room to show them his new super powers.

Tell their friends free trips into space?! Hoo boy!

Damian loses his grip on the rope and almost cleans up Gotham a little bit. But Batman flies by in the Batwing, catches the rope, and lectures Damian.

You might also believe he flipped him off, depending on how good my photoshop skills are.

The next day, Damian and Bruce go fishing the way neither of them love to do. While fishing, Bruce tells Damian how he was able to resurrect him. Turns out the chaos sliver that Bruce used to bring Damian back from the dead also implanted the knowledge within Bruce about how to accomplish the feat. In other words, comic books.

Damian cuts Alfred's suggested father/son time down by flying Bruce and the boat back to Wayne Manor. Now that they've half-heartedly respected Alfred's wishes that they bond in a normal activity, Bruce goes back to running tests on Damian and almost getting sued by Marvel.

Ten years old? I'm forty-three and still feel invincible! Except for my eyesight failing, my lower back constantly hurting, hemorrhoids, enlarged prostate, decreased lung function, hatred of new music, increasing concern over the lawn, fear of youth, decreased sexual appetite except where teenaged girls are concerned and then I'm a leering, drooling pervert, abundance of ear hair, loss of head hair, occasional renal failure, tendency to vote Republican, and the ever increasing strong belief that every random opinion to pop into my head is the wisest and most profound thing ever thought by anybody ever. Besides those things, I still feel sixteen! Also, I might not actually suffer from all of those things. Although I'm getting rather fidgety right now thinking that there might be kids on my lawn!

Damian continues to rely on his new powers instead of his Bat-Training while battling Gotham bad guys and it's giving Batman an ulcer. Unless ulcers aren't caused that way anymore but are caused by viruses instead. What am I? A doctor?! Or even curious about ulcers? Gross! You can Wikipedia that garbage if you're interested.

Batman tries to talk some adult logic into Damian's little kid brain and just like all the little kids reading this right now thinking, "Pshaw! Whatever, old person!", he doesn't believe that age and experience might know something that he's yet to learn. Also, what are you doing reading this, little kid? Does your mom want you to read words like cunt and cocksucker? I didn't think so. Now go back to playing Penguin Club that's probably full of old pervert penguins trying to lure young penguins into seductive, censored sex dens. Or *** dens.

Batman gets called by the Justice League to solve one of their problems, so he leaves Damian alone with the Batmobile. Is this one of those moments where you show your child that you trust them and that motivates them to do the right thing? Or is Batman a naive dickslap?

Apparently Batman just did the pretend to leave but wait around a little bit to see how badly Damian goofs off instead thing.

There are loads and loads of types of people but the two I'm interested in talking about right now are these: one type of soulless, joyless motherfuckers that read the preceding panel and think, "How the fuck is the Batsignal still working?"; and the other that thinks, "Did Tess use that semicolon correctly?" No wait! The other whimsical, gleeful types think, "Ha ha ha!" Or something. I'm one of a third type that really enjoys Tomasi so even though I think about the Batsignal and how it shouldn't still be lit (Damian's super powers, probably!), I still thoroughly enjoy this scene. But if it were Red Hood or Arsenal in this scene being written by Scott Lobdell, I'd tear his fucking head off with my words!

I embrace my hypocrisy and bias and sometimes I even bring it to orgasm.

Damian acting like a complete psychopath earns him a trip to the Justice League Satellite Headquarters Sponsored by LexCorps, so it totally worked. In your face, Batman! You fell for the oldest trick in the book!

I thought Damian was trying to trick him into transforming. Apparently, Shazam can say "Shazam" without changing. I bet he only changes if he says it with an exclamation point at the end!

While Shazam tries to get Robin to play with him, Superman informs Batman that Godzilla is attacking Japan. I bet battling that monster would be more fun than playing Mario Kart with Billy Batson! Although Damian should pal around with Shazam because Shazam is proof that the Justice League allows minors on the team! They must not care about minors getting injured if they allow Billy to fight with them. And if they refuse to let Robin join, then it shows that the only thing the Justice League really cares about is the way people view them. As long as people think the thirteen year old is a full grown man, nobody is going to hassle them about it.

Robin knows a little bit about the island where the monster is from and it's called Ghost Island. Isn't that the island where Planetary found all the giant monster corpses?

Whoa! What kind of parental gambit is this, Batman?! I bet he just doesn't trust Damian to remain on the satellite all by himself.

Batman and Robin #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I bet Batman learned about some kind of radiation on Monster Ghost Island that negates Chaos Shard superpowers! That guy's always got some kind of plan. Removing Damian's superpowers falls in the parental category of "for his own good." He's gotten careless now that he's begun relying on his powers. Taking his powers away will save this kid's life before his powers fail for a microsecond just as a bullet rips its way through his throat. And then what? I'll have to read another nine months of Batman dealing with his grieving process all over again! And in the middle of that, he'll probably have a five issue story arc dealing with Erin McKilleverbuddy. And who wants to sit through that again, no matter how good they were the first time? Oh, um, and here's my review of this comic book: it gets to be better than Grayson at least until Grayson comes out because this comic book is entertaining. Then pretend I wrote a few trite lines about how the art works with the story and some bullshit.