New Suicide Squad #15

I'm not bragging when I say I could draw a better cover because this cover is crap and I draw slightly better than crap.

Deadshot, Boomerang, Harley, and probably Parasite have decided to work with Amanda Waller because she's offered them their freedom if they help her destroy Vic Sage. She must have been crossing her fingers when she made that deal because the Suicide Squad movie is just on the horizon and it stars Harley, Deadshot, and Boomerang. So fans of the movie are going to be expecting those characters in the Squad in the coming year. Although they might be surprised to find Floyd Lawton looks less like the Fresh Prince and more like Pornstache.

The team is headed to Dallas to find evidence linking Vic Sage to a company that is in direct conflict with the Squad's goals. That's the kind of thing that employers frown on. Like when you're a cook at Burger King and you've got a second job writing ads for McDonalds where Ronald takes a huge dump on the Burger King's head. I'm sure those ads exist but they probably only air in other countries like Belgium and Croatia. You know, countries where shitting on other people is seen as insulting.

This is why I read shitty comic books!

I still find it fun reading and writing about shitty comic books but I definitely find it less fun at times than I used to find it less fun. If you know what I'm saying. Like right now, I'm interested in reading this issue and I want to write something funny about it or me as I do it but I also want to just sit in front of the Xbox and play some Blood Bowl. I also feel a bit stressed about how much work I should put into each commentary when previously I would write really short ones if I simply had nothing to say. Now I feel like I need to say more! And yet, I also realize that shorter is better on the internet! And then I've got a huge stack of comics because I'm so far behind and DC Comics just won't stop for one fucking week with the new comic books! It's like they're obsessed with them! I keep telling myself that I'm going to take a few days one week to just do a bunch of really short commentaries on a bunch of books to make some headway. But when I sit down to do that, I'm really eager to read and write about comic books. That translates into writing way too much on the first comic book I read, really enjoying the finished work, and then patting myself on the back and going off to play Call of Duty for four hours. Maybe I should set a timer and just do some speed reads! I bet those would be fantastic! Especially for me and for people who love to type "TL;DR"!

The entire team is pretty fucked up right now. Deadshot can't shoot straight. Parasite can't suck energy. Boomerang is a stubborn asshole who will probably betray everybody else at the drop of a cream pie. And Harley Quinn is a depressed clown that has lost the ability to laugh and/or shove things into her clown car. It's a pretty sorry state of affairs but for a government task force, I'd say it's above par.

Toothpaste! Err, Two Shades! Um, Tush Aids? What do fencers say when they stab each other?

Boomerang and Harley are trying to find something to jump start Parasite's powers. But Harley is acting like a total rag so Boomer says something to her that's similar to me calling her a rag and she gets totally pissed off for some reason. I don't know why but women hate being called a rag. I tested it out at Starbucks and was slapped fifteen out of seven times. I got slapped a lot more than just once by each woman.

Waller and Deadshot have taken Miss Pesta, the CEO of Calvary, hostage so they can ask her some questions about Vic Sage.

Apparently Miss Pesta is a beast cursed to find somebody who will love her.

Waller learns that The Pearl Group (I don't know which group is the top corporation. Pearl. Corvus. Calvary. One of those) wanted to see the end of the Task Force X program because they kept screwing up their shady international business. They heard Vic Sage was unhappy in his role with Task Force X so they formed a team to bring down the Suicide Squad. Miss Pesta doesn't give a shit about it anymore and just wants to wash her hands of it all. So she's selling out Vic Sage and asking Waller to just call it a draw.

It sounds like a writer is tying up loose plot threads! Is Ryan's time on the book almost up?

Miss Pesta points out that world governments have lost all power to corporations so The Pearl Group is more powerful than Amanda's bosses. The issue ends before Amanda can strike a deal with Miss Pesta which allows the Suicide Squad to work for the Pearl Group. So I guess Sean Ryan has at least one more issue in him so he can get that plot point working and the Suicide Squad can stop working for the government.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Vic Sage has set Black Manta free so that Black Manta will kill Waller for him. Hopefully Manta will just go back to trying to kill Aquaman and completely renege on the deal.

New Suicide Squad #15 Rating: No change. This issue had a lot of people sitting in an office talking. It wasn't the enjoyable kind of talking that I clamor for where people say witty dialogue and then somebody responds with wittier dialogue and then somebody references Shakespeare and I think, "Was that a line from Ren and Stimpy?" Then maybe somebody sucks somebody else's genitals and I spend five minutes in the bathroom before getting back to the comic book. Those are the kinds of comic books I like! I wonder why I'm reading so many DC Comics then? I must not like having fun!