Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Lobo Loves Road Runner #1

If a comic book writer has the last name of Morrison and isn't Grant, they should have to use their first initial along with their last name to identify themselves. Also I want my $4.99 back because I was expecting this thing to blow my fucking mind!

I didn't really think Grant Morrison wrote this issue. But my point still stands.

I spent a majority of the 90s having to read comic books featuring Lobo getting his ass kicked by the title character to prove how amazing the title character was. After Lobo became hugely popular as the most dangerous character in the DC Universe so, of course, every writer wanted to show their main character taking him down. I accepted it because I knew most of the writers wished they had created such a fantastic character. I wouldn't say they were jealous but I might say they were shitting all over Lobo due to self-esteem issues derived from being raised in a household without any parental love and affection. Besides, Lobo made it through that trial and wound up in his own comic book where he didn't have to deal with small-minded writers who hated seeing an obscenity to all common decency become the greatest DC character to ever be created!

But now, am I seriously going to have to see him get his ass handed to him by the fucking Road Runner? If I were writing this comic book, I would have Lobo accept the contract on Road Runner from ACME and head off to kill the Road Runner with one of ACME's bullshit gizmos which fails spectacularly. He'd then tear up the contract and head back to murder every person working for ACME. The majority of the book would be Lobo just stuffing ACME anvils up ACME employee assholes. Maybe Road Runner would hang out with him yelling "Meep meep!" occasionally because his name is on the cover.

The first half of the story explains how Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner became intelligent. Should I have put intelligent in quotes? I mean, Road Runner only ever said "Meep meep!" (unless it's "Beep Beep!" but I don't think it is, even if the comic book does) and Wile E. Coyote just about killed himself every time he touched anything mechanical. See, what happened is that ACME Laboratories mixed alien DNA with animals to create fast road runners, wily coyotes, slobbering cats, and rapist skunks. What did these creatures decide to do with their new roles in the animal kingdom? Well, the coyote wanted to eat the road runner and the road runner just wanted to run around on roads.

For some reason, I spent twenty minutes staring at this picture. Then I orgasmed.

Meanwhile Lobo isn't on Earth or encountering the Road Runner at all. But he's accepted a mysterious contract so that's probably a good sign! I mean it's not a good sign for the Road Runner! Because there's no way Lobo is going to fail to kill the stupid bird! No way at all! I mean, I probably don't even have to read the rest of this comic book, do I? The Road Runner is as good as dead.

Although I've got this nagging feeling I haven't felt since all through the 90s! Lobo might wind up in a wedding gown with video footage of him being fucked by an over-sized bird that only says, "Meep meep bueno!"

Oh. I guess Lobo's contract is to kill somebody else. Hopefully Woody Woodpecker.

Wile E. meets up with Lobo because it's easier than you might expect. Besides, you don't want to read fifteen pages of Wile E. trying to find Lobo, do you? That's fifteen pages of no Lobo! When they meet up, Lobo accepts the Road Runner job but sends Wile E. to go finish the job he was on. Hopefully it's easier than killing a stupid Looney Tunes bird or Lobo is going to fail a contract!

Not that Lobo isn't going to not fail the Road Runner contract. Did I put the right amount of negatives in that statement so that it means he won't not not kill the Road Runner?

Lobo's first attempt to kill the Road Runner ends with his face on fire and then blowing up. That's a pretty good start!

Next Lobo swallows a grenade and blows his head off. He's getting closer!

After that, Lobo hooks an eagle instead of the Road Runner and is flown off a cliff to fall in a ravine. Oh! Just about had the stupid bird!

Finally, Lobo blows himself up with an atom bomb while the Road Runner remains unharmed. This comic book is so unrealistic!

The story ends with all the contracts being called off so that Road Runner fans don't wind up crying snot all over their Road Runner stuffed animals. They're lucky too because Lobo was just about to kill that bird, I just know it.

The Wile E. Coyote in space story doesn't really matter because Lobo wasn't in it. Kilowog was, so if you're into that ugly bastich, you might want to pick up this issue. Also if you love jerking off to penises masquerading as coyote noses. That sure was a surprise! I haven't seen one of those since they stopped publishing "Women Who Get Off On Penises That Look Like Coyote Noses" magazine. Fucking 70s porn magazines were so great in their specificity!

The back-up story is about the time Lobo met Bugs Bunny in Las Vegas. And you know what they say! What gets shoved down Bugs Bunny's throat in Las Vegas is fucking huge.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Justice League of America #8

This comic book is full of delusional optimism about my memory.

I'm glad this issue is reminding readers why they should be buying it. Some of you might be thinking, "How is it doing that, Great One?" Well, since you're being so respectful of me and my standing as a comic book reader, I'll tell you! But only after the people who didn't call me "Great One" whip themselves fifteen times across the back with an extension cord.

Done? Okay! The reason people should be reading this comic book is Lobo! See him right there on the cover? He's the handsome one with the lips that you're probably picturing around your genitals. He's definitely not the one dressed as a bat who looks like he just smelled a fart.

The worst part about this cover is that it tries to set up a mystery. "Is he a man? A Monster?" "Oh my gosh! What is he?! I'm so intrigued!" is what I might be saying if the title of the story, "The Man from Monster Valley," didn't answer the question for me. Way to spoil everything, you stupid comic book cover! Hopefully most people who aren't Grandmaster Comic Book Readers didn't notice that because they were too busy furiously masturbating to Lobo's lips.

The story begins 101 miles east of Tunguska. You would know the significance of Tunguska if you had been a huge nerd in the 70s and couldn't miss an episode of In Search Of. Also you might know the significance of it because you were born decades after the 70s and grew up with the Internet at your fingertips and have used it for more than just showing people pictures of the things you've eaten. I'm not sure why Monster Valley is 101 miles away from Tunguska. I guess that's how far the Space Monster Jizz flew after the alien cum shot exploded over Tunguska.

Makson, the man, flees from some robots that keep saying, "S.K.U.L.L. requires." It's about as unintelligible as Makson constantly saying, "Gnawk!" Here are some other things Makson and his bird sidekick say: "Kchawk!", Gnaw-nawk!", and "Chowgk!" That must mean that the "mak" part of Makson's name rhymes with cock. That's good to know, just in case I decide to write a soliloquy about this issue.

For some reason, The Justice League and Black Canary's tits appear out of nowhere to save the day. I thought I was going to praise Lobo and his great ass but have you seen Dinah's tits today?

She might want to get a professional fitting done because I think those things are packed in way too tight.

There's a Hooters just off of Interstate 5 on the border of Washington and Oregon that constantly has part of the sign burned out. So it usually says "HOO ERS" which I find incredibly funny.

S.K.U.L.L. happen to be tech rivals of WayneCorp so Batman is using his ties to the Justice League of America to put them out of business. You would think choosing the name S.K.U.L.L. would have done that years ago. But I guess their products are just too good. I wonder what S.K.U.L.L. stands for? I hope the final two letters stand for Lex Luthor. Maybe the name is short for Serial Killers Under Lex Luthor Fighting Upstart Corporate Kompetitors?

The Justice League of America (and Black Canary's tits) destroy all of S.K.U.L.L.'s resources and then notice that Makson didn't die in the battle. So they say, "Yay! We saved him!" But they didn't save the bird creatures which were his family and maybe also the place he enjoyed putting his penis. He must have been fucking something in Monster Valley. Maybe that's what makes him a monster?!

Back in New York, Makson the Monster Man becomes the hit of the waste of time daytime talk and fluff news shows circuit. He also decides wearing a manbun would be the best look for him. I like the manbun. It's a good indicator that the person is somebody I might punch in the face if I have to spend more than five minutes around them. I wish more people I wanted to avoid would wear them!

Makson is apparently in this thirties. What I'm saying is he has definitely fucked a lot of different monsters and possibly trees in Monster Valley.

For some reason, Steve Orlando thought it would be a good idea to focus on Makson instead of Lobo. Does he simply hate selling lots of comic books? I suppose if Makson becomes super popular, he'll get creator's rights and a teeny, tiny royalty check when the Makson movie hits porn theaters across the country in 2019. But he'd probably make more money simply by focusing on Lobo. I would pay about a dollar more per issue if I was guaranteed twenty pages of Lobo and his tight ass-*coughcough*-assin's credo.

Makson wound up in Monster Valley at three years old when his parents' plane crashed, killing his mother and father. He learned English from the plane's emergency manuals which explains why he's using "foraging" incorrectly in the following panel:

The word you're looking for is "fucking."

Back in Happy Harbor, Black Canary is all, "What if he's a big fakey douche? Look at his manbun! Seems suspicious!" But Ray is all, "I think he's cool because I want to eat his asshole." But Batman is all, "I agree with Black Canary because when have I ever trusted anybody? We'd better figure out what he's really up to!" And Lobo is all, "Can I kill him yet?"

The members who want to trust Makson are all, "Batman is a fucking dick! He's supposed to trust people and give them second chances! How dare he not interfere with the guy's life at all while secretly investigating him to make sure his story adds up so that he doesn't wind up hurting or killing people? Asshole!" It's a good thing Batman doesn't care what his lackeys think about him.

Ryan Choi disagrees with Batman but understands that phrase about being better is safer than being sorry. You know which phrase I mean! The one that describes this situation! The one that doesn't go "It's better to be killed by a person you trusted than to hurt their feelings if they somehow discover you'be been investigating them without their knowledge." That saying is only ever used in the Writer's Room at The CW.

I can't think of a dumber way to spend one's inheritance and I'm currently thinking of airdropping sno-cone makers to penguins in Antarctica.

Did your butthole clench as tight as mine did at the phrase "activist genealogists"? That's exactly the type of thing I'd expect somebody sporting a manbun to say!

While Ray, Vixen, and Killer Frost talk about Batman behind his back, Batman, Lobo, and Black Canary track S.K.U.L.L. back to Infinity Island. The Atom sneaks into Mawkson's apartment to figure out if he's been busy eating people the way his bird family probably taught him to do. Or maybe he'll find all of Makson's fuck birds. Batman learns that S.K.U.L.L.'s new backers are Makson's billionaire family members so S.K.U.L.L. was looking to find Makson and kill him if he was still alive so he wouldn't take away their funding for something stupid like hiring activist genealogists. And Ryan discovers that Makson has been using activist genealogists to find all of his family members so he can kill them. Well, that's finally something I approve of! I bet Lobo does too!

So Makson wants to kill his family? I guess he knew they were behind S.K.U.L.L. fucking his bird family and other monster lovers. Now they have to die for their villainy! I don't know if I want to see Lobo beat his ass or high five him.