Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Blue Beetle #4

I suspect Doctor Fate simply thinks Blue Beetle is a dream or a hallucination.

If the current Rebirth Doctor Fate is still Khalid, I will burn this motherfucking house to the ground. That should teach DC to not fuck with me.

This issue tells the tale of Blue Beetle's secret origin. It probably amounts to "Jaime Reyes was walking to school one day while casually brushing his hand against Brenda's outer thigh while she pretended not to notice. His penis was semi-erect and her vulva was slightly engorged. Then a space beetle stuck itself in his back and he was all, 'Goddammit!' The end."

The story is close enough to my telling that I don't really need to expound on it. Although at one point, Brenda begins speaking Old Portugese [sic]. Last issue, letterer Josh Reed decided to swear in the Old Portugese. I wonder if he says anything crude this time!

Brenda first says, "Aslpe, esdcv bmlcwp mwoalsk." Then she says, "Hgrd, pwor ixnf ksjd hino fc neurjf."

Since that's all nonsense, I'm going to assume Josh Reed was reprimanded and told to just make the alien language gibberish.

So the scarab fused to Jaime's spine and now he's become Ted Kord's pet project. Probably because Ted knew the previous owner of the scarab, Daniel Garrett, who drowned while Doctor Fate watched. Doctor Fate's penis was semi-erect.

Also in this story, Jaime holds hands with a girl. He could be fucking a girl but he let Blur get away. So now he's got to start way back at the beginning with talking and holding hands. Pee-yuke!

The Ranking!
No change!

Blue Beetle #3

If Jamie leans too far back, he stabs himself in the butthole.

I don't think people realize how easy it is to be a cypher to Internet advertisers because they're always so eager to put their opinion everywhere on the Internet or to like as many things as possible to express their unique personality. The advertisements on my social media sites struggle to come up with anything that might possibly spark a bit of interest in my wallet. I once looked up "Freudian Slippers" because I knew they had to exist and they did. So for months, I'd get advertisements basically saying, "Hey! Hey! Look! You still haven't bought these ugly things! You want 'em? They're still avaialable!" Months ago, I looked up some covers for Peter Milligan's Shade the Changing Man and I'm still getting ads using covers of the comic book. That's about the only bit of my interest advertisers have managed to sink their claws into and they won't fucking let it go. If it's not covers of a comic book I read decades ago and still own (so why would I be interested in the ads?), I just get random products as the Global Advertising All-Brain tries to get me to click on something to find another piece of the me puzzle.

I'd be shook too if the new breakthrough in tanning was rubbing shit on yourself.

I suppose the place that would know my interests best would be Amazon since I do occasionally shop there. Let's see what it's recommending for me today!

"Rules of Civility", We Should All Be Feminists, Exploring Psychology, and some book about becoming a dad? Way to make me feel emasculated, Amazon! At least they got two right: Hitchiker's which I'd never buy because I already own in at least three versions and some book about having an IQ of 84. Although that's a bit high for me, I think I could probably relate.

I can't remember the last time I purchased a Walking Dead book or anything Buffy-related on Amazon. And I've never purchased a Saga book although I do eventually need to having left off with the single issues around the time they met that guy in the lighthouse. I have no idea why they think I want a Joan Crawford movie. But I will take the book of Laura Ingalls' wisdom! She's my fucking favorite!

This issue begins with Jaime sleep-superheroing. It's kind of like sleepwalking but it's when the sentient alien scarab on your back decides you're a pusshole and you haven't been killing enough bad guys. So it takes you out when you're sleeping to throw you into a life-threatening situation where you wake up confused. The scarab takes him into one of the holes that have been appearing in the city and plops him down in front of an army of bug-people. He'll probably kill a few just from being startled awake. I imagine if I woke up in a room full of screaming toddlers, I'd kill a few of them before I fully realized what was going on.

I'm a bit disappointed that the scarab didn't drop Jaime into Blur's bedroom. I'm still hoping those kids engage in a proper fuckfight soon.

As Blue Beetle battles, he begins to speak Old Portugese [sic as seen in New 52 Swamp Thing #5]. I suppose somebody at DC lost the key to the language because the editors let this slip by:

He's saying, "Wait. What the fuck?"

I asked Lord Google "'Josh Red' DC Comics lost job" but didn't get any results. I assume nobody noticed. Good for you, Josh! You're really shaking things up! Don't get too cocky though! Remember that even the great Simon Bisley was fired for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm!

After a brief and confusing battle, the ceiling collapses and Blue Beetle is pulled out of the hole which closes under him. He decides he should probably investigate the problem. I guess that means he'll be joining the Posse and possibly even getting some pussy from Blur. She wants to fuck him so badly.

Meanwhile, Ted Kord is busy building something.

This is probably the same conversationg H.H. Holmes had with contractors.

Jaime stops by to see Ted and Ted is all, "Oh, by the way! Remember how I said Doctor Fate came by to see me? Yeah, well, he wants to kill you." Doctor Fate is afraid the scarab will do that thing to Earth that the scarabs like to do to planets. I think the phrase is "utter destruction."

Teri, Kord's biologist who is trying to figure out how to remove Jaime's scarab (and probably how to put it in Ted!), is currently meeting with Sugar and Spike. I guess somebody has some embarrassing moments from their past they'd like covered up! I'm guessing it has to do with Blue Beetle's time on Justice League International and his friendship with Booster Gold and too much alcohol and a fat cock.

The rest of the comic book is Jaime going around telling people he's going to get a medical check-up and that he might die. They all go, "Well, do you want me to be there?" Why is everybody so eager to see him die?!

There's an epilogue where a Green Beetle is walking around an airport in El Paso killing children. He's probably a bad guy.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm enjoying this comic book but since most of this was just Jaime moping about sleepwalking, I can't classify it as a Don't Miss Thriller!

Monday, January 30, 2017

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Amanda Waller #6

Amanda Waller either just got a hot poker up the ass or hears the ice cream truck and needs a money.

El Diablo Review!
Diablo was killed by Deadshot last issue. And then Deadshot went home, I guess. But El Diablo can't stay dead because his name is on the cover. The only characters who get to stay dead while their name is on the cover are Deadman and Casper. El Diablo has to come back to life to rescue Azucar. He has to rescue her from Dalesko who is the bad guy, I guess? It feels like this story has had more than six parts. El Diablo went home and battled Bloodlettor. El Diablo fought Parasite in a Luthor building. El Diablo battled alongside Uncle Sam while working for Checkmate. El Diablo had sex with Azucar. El Diablo fought Sin Tzu's mutated monsters of Gotham. El Diablo battled alongside Xolotl the White Martian against the Suicide Squad. So forgive me if I'm a little bit unclear as to who this Dalesko is and what he wants. I mean, the fallen angel that brings El Diablo back to life explains that he's just a guy who wants superpowers. And now he has them because he stole them from Xolotl who was the guy El Diablo and Uncle Sam battled before El Diablo went home to battle Bloodlettor which later led him to Gotham to where he battled Dalesko's puppet, Sin Tzu, after which Batman gave him some information leading him back to the desert where he was reunited with a friendlier Xolotl. And, um, here we are!

Don't get so cocky, you ugly motherfucker! This isn't Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Dalesko and Amanda Waller #6.

El Diablo's deal with the devil was that he'd return to life if the devil battled Dalesko for him. Not that it was really the devil but close enough for DC Continuity purposes. Dalesko winds up in Hell, 'natch!

By agreeing to the devil's terms to save Azucar, El Diablo loses Azucar anyway when she recognizes the devil inside him. She wants nothing to do with him. So El Diablo goes back to Belle Reve and Amanda Waller and the Suicide Squad because what else is there, I guess?

The Ranking!
-1! The ending was less than satisfying! Which I should have suspected since the entire story was the same.

Amanda Waller Review!
This panel basically sums up the Amanda Waller story:

This also sums up what I'd like to say to my mom and Jesus Christ!

I think there might be a little bit more where Waller learns mercy or compassion or maybe just feels a little bit closer to her Squad. But since I'd rather think of Amanda Waller as the bitch who gets things done and doesn't give a shit about the criminal piece of shit pawns she uses, I'll just forget the last half of the story.

The Ranking!
No change!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Amanda Waller #5

Did Amanda Waller lose weight?

El Diablo Review!
The last issue ended with El Diablo, Azucar, and Xolotl being attacked by the most suicidal squad in Suicide Squad history. I don't say that because this mission is particularly dangerous. I just mean none of the members are popular enough to ensure that they'll survive. Maybe Sumo will live because he's a Bat-villain and a Bat-villain can't die in a non-Batman comic book. Although he's a relatively new Bat-villain having been created in The New 52. Also, has he ever really battled the Bat? I think he's probably due for a good death, along with the rest of this shitty, unknown Suicide Squad.

To make sure readers know who these unknown Squad members who are about to die are, Xolotl is all, "Give me a rundown on our foes' Who's Who entries!" The Squad members are Bloodletter, the guy who was bullying El Diablo's neighborhood after El Diablo went to prison. Jizz, a criminal Thanagarian. Leviathan, some water dude. Behemoth, the guy I thought was Sumo because he's fat and Asian. And Zoomax who appeared in the first issue of this series.

Zoomax is killed first. I suppose I could be kind and count this as an actual death in the Suicide Squad but when have I ever been known to be kind? Technically, this isn't a Suicide Squad comic book. Death in the Squad only counts when they're the protagonists.

The Justice League of Mexico arrives to escalate the situation. Their members are Iman, El Muerto, Acrata, and El Dorado. Iman is Spanish for a humanoid robot copyrighted by Apple. El Muerto is Spanish for The Dead. Acrata is Spanish for The Human Target. And El Dorado is Spanish for The Dorito. And since you obviously know I was right about El Muerto, you should just trust me on the others.

Xolotl is killed by Jizz the Thanagarian even though the mission was to take him into their custody and not kill him. Stupid violent Thanagarians! Although his death causes everybody to stop fighting, so I guess it was the right move. The Justice League of Mexico decides to work with the Suicide Squad to destroy some threat that Xolotl warned them all about. But El Diablo decides he's had enough and tries to walk away. Too bad for him, he walks right into Deadshot and is killed. Too bad for me, death never takes with El Diablo and I'm going to have to read one more issue of his story.

The Ranking!
No change!

Amanda Waller Review!
Amanda Waller is holed up in Belle Reve dealing with some agent who knows some shit but can't talk because he's basically comatose. Since that's super boring, the story has a B-side featuring the Suicide Squad. Once again it's a Suicide Squad composed of members who DC will never let die: Harley Quinn, Katana, Captain Boomerang, Enchantress, and Deadshot. It's been years since DC knew how to write a proper Suicide Squad. Part of the problem is John Ostrander immortalized Deadshot and Captain Boomerang by writing them so well. When he began the Suicide Squad, they were D-list characters at best. He made them unkillable yet also linked them forever to the Suicide Squad. So that's two characters people expect to be on the team who won't die (oh sure. Captain Boomerang "died". But so did Deadshot. It's just they were brought back to life, weren't they? How the fuck does that count? Just because characters in comic books dying and coming back to life is a common thing, it doesn't mean it's a thing that you should use as a plot device to make it feel like Squad members are dying, especially since they return just a few issues later instead of years later). Then you throw in more characters whom the reader knows won't die, like Harley Quinn and Katana? Come on! Katana isn't even a villain!

Speaking of Katana, what the fuck is DC Comics doing to her? She now works willingly for Amanda Waller and kills enthusiastically even though she knows she's condemning every victim to an eternal prison in the Soulsword? I would think she'd want to limit the people she kills to the most evil, vile bastards who deserve eternal imprisonment. Killing henchmen and soldiers just seems wrong. But then DC seems to have decided that Katana's role is to stand in the background mysterious and silent. Except in this issue. She's doing a lot of talking this issue.

I hate how everybody knows about the Suicide Squad. It renders the whole project meaningless! As soon as people see them, they're all, "Oh yeah. The United States government is up to their usual bullshit again."

Anyway, bad shit goes down, the mission goes to shit, and Amanda Waller winds up drugged and hallucinating that she's lost the entire Squad. It's really the only way any members of the Suicide Squad die anymore. Either Amanda hallucinates it or the computers she has which show their heartbeats go on the fritz so the reader goes, "Oh my god! One of them is dead! I mean, it wasn't an on-panel death and nobody in the Squad ever really dies anymore but the computer shows one did! So I totally believe it!"

The Ranking!
-1! Get some balls and kill somebody already, DC, or else give Task Force X a new nickname that actually describes the team. Like Cozy Vacation Killing Club.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Killer Croc #4

Some covers just don't scream, "Read this comic book!"

El Diablo Review!
I read it. It was a comic book starring El Diablo. Batman is also in it, if that interests you. It incorporates art and words to tell a story. The story is better understood if you've read the previous three issues. Also, it helps to remember the previous three issues you read. I didn't remember them that well. Some characters from previous issues return. It ends with a cliffhanger as Amanda Waller sends Task Force IV or V to kill El Diablo. Amanda Waller has some serious control issues to work through.

The Ranking!
No change!

Killer Croc Review!

The Killer Croc story begins with an odd turn of events.

Why would Croc imagine himself as a white man?

I have a theory! This isn't the real Killer Croc! The real Killer Croc was last seen in the pages of Batwoman where we learned his sympathetic story and how he has been trying to make Gotham a better place for her displaced citizens. The Killer Croc we've seen since then is this white guy! Okay, that doesn't really make sense since Killer Croc #1 of Villains Month showed him as a young black kid. So my other theory is that the Rebirth Waylon Jones is a white guy! The theory I've decided isn't a great theory because it's criticizing people just trying to do their jobs is the one where the artist, colorist, and editor all majorly fucked up.

Killer Croc has just confronted an army of mutated, sentient animals even though Killer Croc is technically not really an animal. But it works thematically so shut the fuck up.

I once drew my own comic book called Arrogance. That was the name of the superhero group. Their first major battle was against the S.P.C.A. (Society of Paranormal and Cognitive Animals). It was pretty much this comic book.

The poor animals seem to recognize Killer Croc as one of their own so they decide to follow him. It might not last though since they're wearing some kind of control collars. And it doesn't. But then it does because Killer Croc smashes the control collars' control! Now he has an army of mutant animals!

Killer Croc saves the day like he was supposed to but not in the way Amanda wanted him to. Then he swims off to take a break from Suicide Squad business. Even though he's been quite busy over in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I guess he didn't much care for being alone.

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #5

"Hey, has anybody done the thing with Batman in the dark and Superman in the light? Oh, and, um, Wonder Woman like straddling them! The dark and light, not Batman and Superman!" -- Francis Manapul. Probably.

The clerk at my comic book store, while ringing up my comics, picked up this issue and said, "I love this cover." I responded, "Shut the fuck up, you retail monkey." You have to let these comic book clerk nerds know where they stand or, before you know it, they're spoiling every comic book as they ring you up. I admit this guy's comment was benign but if you let them talk, they'll definitely ruin the ending of half your books as they're ringing you out. Or even worse, they'll make faces and fart noises as they look through the books you're reading.

This issue begins with a flashback to how this all started. It began with Poison Ivy tripping her balls off on Black Mercies. While in the Black Mercy dreamworld, she encounters Mongula, Mongul's daughter. That might not actually be her name. Her name could be War-Toddler, for all I know. Poison Ivy adopted her as her own until Mongul shut the door on Pam's Black Mercy hallucinations. Now she's trying to find a way to get her dream daughter back. Is that why she sent Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman into the Black Mercy world? So they can defeat Mongul for her? Also, how did she know that selling the Black Mercy seeds to Jon Smith would catch Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman?

Oh wait. Poison Ivy explains that immediately after I continue reading! I'm so impatient!

Remember how Swamp Thing was attracted to the farm in Superman Annual #1? Same thing here! This soil is the shit!

Back in the Black Mercy Dreamworld, Batman points out that Mongul was last seen buried in Black Mercies. That's probably true! He's been all over the place in The New 52 because DC Comics seems to forget that they have more than six major villains and also that writers are allowed to create new ones. So instead, Mongul attacks and is shunted away to The Phantom Zone. When he's needed again, he appears and then gets shoved under Black Mercies or holed up on Oa or locked in Amanda Waller's Catacombs or whatever. It doesn't really matter as long as there's eventually a plausible reason for him to escape so he can cause more trouble. This plausible reason seems better than most since he's supposedly stuck in the Black Mercy world and attacking from there.

In their fight against Mongul, each of the Trinity points out what Mongul can't stop. Apparently they each mention the thing that most embodies who they are. Superman says, "You can't control our dreams!" Yep, Superman is totally the ideal and the dream of humanity at its best. Batman is all, "Or our actions." Yep, Batman is representative of taking action against those who would abuse others. And Wonder Woman says, "Nor our emotions." Yep, Wonder Woman is a woman.

Mongul explains to the Super Friends how the Black Mercies work and how the plural of Black Mercies is actually Black Mercy but I've been refusing to say that. Also he explains the origin of his daughter.

Such a micro-racism to say Black Mercy are bad and White Mercy is good.

Of course White Mercy isn't 'good' exactly. But she's good for Mongul's ego. I hope White Mercy becomes a major enemy of the Super Sons!

For some reason, the Super Friends' interactions with their younger selves in their dreams have allowed White Mercy to take over the world. It's comic book bad guy logic, so just roll with it. It's usually why super-villains have to monologue their evil plans because they don't usually make a lot of sense.

Clark, Bruce, and Diana awaken but they're being controlled by White Mercy. So once again, fucking Superman is being controlled by a super-villain! This fucker just needs to get off of the Earth because he's the biggest danger to world peace that's ever existed!

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #4

This cover is perilously close to an upskirt. It would explain Wonder Woman's stance.

It's time for Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream where she learns the true power of the uterus! Unless she learns the true weakness of the prostate. Man that thing is weak. It's basically the part of the machine that would have had a factory recall if God fucking gave a shit after Day Six. I mean, God did give a shit after Day Six in that "I'm going to punish the fuck out of these things I've created" kind of way. But it's odd that God never went back to do an edit of Their original work. It's as if God thought They were too perfect to have made any mistakes. That doesn't sound like a perfect God at all! A perfect God would have double-checked Their work a number of times before declaring it was finished.

Although, if you think about Genesis for even half a second more than most Christians who are expressly told what to think about it (which is, coincidentally, exactly half a second), you have an example of God actually having a second go at creating something. First God creates humans and tells them to go forth and multiply. That's all of us non-Jewish heathen monsters (don't believe everybody was killed in Noah's flood! He wasn't the only fucking boat builder in the ancient world)! But then God was all, "You know what? I can make mankind better!" That's when God made Adam and Eve. Notice God didn't tell them to go forth and multiply. God practically told them exactly the opposite! God was all, "Don't learn about fucking, you dum-dums." And they were all, "What's fucking?" And God was all, "That tree wearing all black and smoking over in the corner can tell you. Don't hang out with that tree. Bad influence, that." So, really, the Jewish people are Humans 2.0. They were made from the Earth itself so it's like they're organic humans. All the other humans are like plastic containers.

I don't know how I got from Wonder Woman to gentiles are plastic containers. All I know is that I can't discuss our government trying to burn this country to the ground on this blog anymore. It's fucking killing me (not literally like it's going to be fucking killing minorities, first by not letting refugees into the country, second, possibly, by the government's own hands) but my brain can't be in that space all the time. I have the luxury for it not to be and maybe all this blog can be is be a momentary distraction or a brief respite from the monstrous decisions our "representatives" are making. Also from the idiots who seemingly have no problem with it like this person from my Twitter feed who is only on my Twitter feed because he's a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse: "If Trump was the fascist dictator some claim, he wouldn't build a wall, he would just invade or annex Mexico". So that seems to be the ground where Trump Defenders are making their stand. "I can't argue logically or rationally about the horrible actions of his first week, so let's get into the semantics of the term 'fascist dictator.'" Go fuck yourself.

Okay, back to the comic books and stupid jokes now. If I feel the need to point out that we civilians will pay the price of our government's actions when the rest of the world has to bomb the shit out of us because we're endangering the world with our terrible anti-everybody-else stance backed by a shit-megaton of nukes, I'll be doing it over on Twitter.

I don't think Diana knows how dreams work.

Dreams have a point of view. And as the protagonist of the dream (whether you're you or somebody else), you are in control of your thoughts and actions. They might not be the same actions you would choose while awake, or they may be stranger thoughts than you're used to having but they all come from your point of view as the protagonist of the dream. What you generally aren't "in control of" is the plot or the locale or the non-player characters. A dream doesn't have to be lucid for the person to be in control of their "character." Lucid just means you're aware that you're dreaming and can then take advantage of dream rules while ignoring the props and backdrop your subconscious has laid out before you. I frequently have sexual dreams where the person I'm about to get intimate with is not the Non-Certified Spouse. Sometimes in the dream, I'll be all, "I can't be doing this! I'm Non-Certifiably Married!" and it ruins the dream. Other times, I think, "Oh wait! This is just a dream! Up periscope, baby!" And sometimes, I'll just not know about my real-life relationships and I'll fuck the vampire until the sun reaches the vampire's head and we climax in a burst of flames!

Shut up. You have weird sex dreams too! Probably!

For some reason, this reminds me of my first sexual experience.

Superman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father live. Batman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father die. And now Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream is to find out the truth about her home and where she came from and whether or not the Amazons really did rape pirates. Probably not since Greg Rucka is in charge of the Amazon's past now. That guy isn't as keen on rape as Azzarello and Wolfman. I don't actually think Azzarello is keen on rape. Notice I didn't qualify what I think about Wolfman's views.

The Trinity wind up on Themyscira where they're confronted by Amazons.

So it's kind of like some dialect you have heard before? Thanks for the non-information, Batjerk.

Dream Diana saves Real Diana from the Amazons and the Amazons are all, "Fucking kids. You think you're so wise by stopping bloodshed! Pshaw! You'll soon learn!" Then Diana grows up and learns to kill because adults are just tired of dealing with shit. The end.

That wasn't the end of the comic book! That was the end of my side story about growing up! This story continues in the real world where Lois Lane didn't not hit Poison Ivy and her son with the truck when she crashed into the barn. Remember how last issue ended and I was all, "It’s just luck that she doesn’t run them over." Well, um....

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sort of. I mean, well, you know. I totally thought this is what should have happened!

So now Poison Ivy is probably crippled for life thanks to Lois's reckless driving through barn walls. I wanted to spell reckless as "wreckless" because that just seems more correct. I hope Lois remembers to get Poison Ivy to a hospital after this. I'm sure she has internal injuries and a possible skull fracture. Jon is fine though because Poison Ivy pushed him out of the way. She's a hero! A hero in a permanently vegetative state. That's a plant pun! I think!

Poison Ivy takes a hit from a car as well as I do because she's immediately up and punching Lois Lane in the kisser. I didn't punch the woman who hit me with her car but I did jump immediately back up and stand in front of her car so she didn't take off. Jerko hit-and-run monsters! Portland is full of them.

Back on Dream Themyscira, Queen Hippolyta proposes a challenge for the Super Friends. They must prove themselves in the arena! I don't know what they're trying to prove. That they have a right to be on the island? Because if that's what they're trying to prove, Superman and Batman will fail the Penis Challenge.

Luckily for Batman and Superman, the Penis Challenge doesn't take place. I suppose it's not needed since their costumes leave nothing to the imagination anyway. My guess is Batman is circumcised and Superman had multiple attempted circumcisions which ended up in the Kents having to bury another mohel in the field so he doesn't spread word about their uncuttable superbaby.

Wonder Woman is allowed to stay on the island but the men must go to the Dark Quarters. Hippolyta doesn't even ask them if they're men. She just sees the penises through the tight suits and assumes they're men. How ancient way of thinking of them!

Anyway, Wonder Woman chooses to go with her male allies into the Dark Quarters. That's like her dream subconscious where she'll discover the thing she needs to discover thanks to the Black Mercies. Young Dream Diana also manages to go with them, against the wishes of her mother.

The Super Friends make their way deeper into their subconscious worlds where they're attacked by something that is longer than it is wide. It's a sea serpent, you Freudian pervert!

The Super Friends are swallowed by the sea serpent and taken even deeper! Now they're in the sub-subconscious! It's full of lots and lots of things that are longer than they are wide!

Technically this is Diana's sub-subconscious. Apparently all she thinks about are penises. That's what happens when you're raised in a culture that bans them!

As you can see from the scan above, Batjerk has more thoughts on the dialect. But I guess those will have to wait.

Diana spends the next two pages chopping up the longer than they are wide things. I squirm unpleasantly while reading it.

When Diana hacks her way out of the sea serpent, she finds herself face-to-face with Mongul! What a shock! To nobody who reads comic books. I suppose it was a shock to the fake geek girls and the totally real geek boys who just happen to not know about Mongul's connection to the Black Mercies (which is totally understandable). The real surprise twist ending is that Mongul's daughter has come up with this plan. His daughter!? Mongul has a daughter!

I hope this revelation that Mongul has a daughter is brand new so that I don't look like one of those totally real geek boys who just happens to have a blindspot in my geek knowledge (which is totally forgivable). I suppose Mongul is still in the Phantom Zone so he had to have his daughter's help from the outside. Unless Mongul got out since Warworld got out. I have no idea what is going on anymore! Fucking Rebirth! It's like continuity is whatever anybody wants it to be! As if some naked blue nuclear man were altering reality in whatever way pleases him the most.

The Ranking!
+1! Mostly because I love me some Emanuela Lupacchino art!

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Trinity #3

Just fucking get over it already.

Only a rich white boy could live such a privileged life that he can afford to mourn the death of his parents for over twenty years. Don't get me wrong! I know other people aside from me would be saddened by he loss of their parents and continue to miss them until the end of their own lives. But most people wouldn't dedicate every single waking hour of every single day to the grief they feel over the loss. I suppose if you have no other hardships in your life, you have to cling to the one time something bad happened to you so that you can pretend that your rich ass life of power and luxury is more of a curse than a blessing. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity, you dick.

On the other hand, Batman's dedication has caused him to beat the shit out of more petty criminals than all of the police working in the United States (which is a lot!). Although maybe that's not really the other hand. Beating up criminals is simply trying to wipe out the symptoms of a bigger problem. Most criminals aren't insane sociopaths with Alice in Wonderland fetishes. They're criminals because poverty and Republican ways of governing have driven them to a desperate last option. Just breaking their jaw and shunting them off to Blackgate isn't solving anything. You can cover up the buboes with some ridiculously expensive make-up but you still have the plague.

Anyway, Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are all suffering from Black Mercy intoxication so they're hallucinating their pasts. But this time, they have their friends to help them! Superman learned something about his past in the first two issues but I can't remember what it was because it was mushy and emotional and nobody was punched to death. Now it's time for Batman's friends to help him through the most traumatic moment of his life: when he realized his butler would be raising him.

Batman can't find the place where his parents died and he became the Batman. I bet the Court of Owls could find it.

Meanwhile in the non-Black-Mercy world, Jon Smith has been kidnapped by Poison Ivy. Lois is now wondering where her son went although not as much as she's wondering where her husband and Wonder Woman went.

Oh shut up, Diana. Nobody needs your affirmation bullshit right now. Go put it on a blog where a chameleon says it so that everybody can squee over its derivative nonsense.

Through the trip to his past, Batman is allowed to tell himself that it isn't his fault that his parents died. Or that Jason Todd died. Or that Tim Drake died. Or that Barbara Gordon was paralyzed. I mean, of course the last three were his fault! But he gets to tell himself that they weren't his fault at all. Also maybe the Barbara Gordon thing wasn't totally his fault since it happened out of costume. Although The Joker was going after Commissioner Gordon because of The Batman so...well, I guess it's all pretty complicated. Why not let Batman pretend none of the deaths around him were his fault?

Back in reality, Lois Lane drives a truck through a barn wall to save her son from Poison Ivy. It's just luck that she doesn't run them over.

Next month, it's Wonder Woman's chance to forgive her mother! Or herself! Or something.

What Did I Learn?
I've learned that the Republican representatives in the United States government are cowards who care only for getting re-elected by their racist and selfish base of supporters. I can't help it if comic book lessons don't matter enough to mention them in the world we're currently living in! Oh, but I did learn something comic book related! Francis Manapul can't draw more than two monthly comic books in a row before needing fill-in artists!

The Ranking!
No change.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Odyssey of the Amazons #1

I don't know why I'm reading this. I don't care about the Amazons.

I picked this book up because I figure why not try all of the mini-series DC puts out. But it's not like I've long been a fan of Wonder Woman or the Amazons. To clarify, I've never been a big fan of the major DC heroes. I often tried to get into Batman because I wanted to be cool but it never really stuck. And not being into Superman or Wonder Woman, I was really never interested in stories about where they came from. If you really wanted to bore the fuck out of me, you could probably just open your mouth. I mean, you could give me a story about the world of Krypton! I also always thought that reading a story about Amazons would be super boring and uninteresting. But after opening this book to the first page, I might have changed my mind!

Male gaze ahoy!

The scrolls in the panel above seem to imply that all of the Amazons were beautiful. Where is the representation for ugly girls? Not cool, Amazons. Or DC. It's almost as if the Amazons of the DC Universe weren't meant for an audience of young girls at all but for an audience of teenage males who have just landed on the shores of masturbation.

For some reason, the Amazons are engaged in a world tour. The scrolls explain that even when they approached another nation in peace, they "left a devastating wake of honor, respect and blood." These Amazons sound like huge assholes.

The Amazons are currently performing for the O'Kunga people who are less than thrilled that the Amazons chose their country as a premier venue. I guess I'm supposed to be on the side of the invading Amazons so these O'Kungans must be right evil bastards. Why else would the Amazons be going around the world performing surprise slaughterings? I'd better read the first page again!

Let's see...okay, right! They are challenging the "stronghold of the Patriarch's world." No wait! Later it says they're on a mission of peace. Although that really seems at odds with the description of their leaving a "devastating wake of honor, respect and blood." "Devastating" seems like the wrong adjective to use for a mission of peace. Another reason they're out and about is to find like-minded women who aren't Amazons. I guess this is about establishing a more multicultural group of Amazons. I'm not sure I'm any clearer as to their reasons for hitting the road for the last five years.

The slaughter of the O'Kunga people is just a way to introduce all of these Amazons to the reader. So while they kill, they make sure to always use the name of the person standing next to them. So Hessia is the leader (probably because, you know, it's Hessia! Even I recognize Hessia!) and the samurai is Wakumi and Thekla is the blonde and Demetria is the chaotic fun-lover and Rayja is the brunette and Chriselda is the berserker and Imani is the responsible one and Aminata is the Zhu'kharan. And what about the O'Kunga people? Why are they being invaded? I guess because they're men! The dumb bastards!

Aha! So their mission is to help downtrodden and subjugated people around the world! Totally on the right page now!

These Amazons are going around the world doing what Superman would love to do but refrains from doing because Batman keeps telling him he doesn't have the right. But these Amazons make their own right because they have the might! Basically they're on a world tour to stop Bullying. "Bullying" with a capital B because I probably really should have said Despots and Genociders and Evil Empires and Men! They're out there risking their lives to make the world a better place. Take that, Superman! You coward! Why don't you stand up to Batman sometime and just go end some genocide somewhere?!

One of the Amazons, Ophelia, is a sculptor. Whenever the Amazons help out a nation in need, she creates a statue of the Amazons and forces the nation to put it in a prominent courtyard so they'll always remember who helped them and who will come back and crush them into powder if they start acting like dicks. That's way better than some stupid Statue of Liberty.

The women, like Aminata the Zhu'kharan, whom the Amazons are recruiting are actually descendants of Amazons who have gone out into the world. They are being offered the chance to return to Themyscira and become immortal once again.

Oh no! Grumblings about too much violence! Time for a coup!

It's always more exciting when the true enemy comes from the inside! Like When A Stranger Calls! Or most of the Disney cartoons!

Hessia also has doubts about her mission. Like is she wearing enough scanty uniforms or fucking enough well-muscled men. Oh, plus she'd like to be the Amazonian diplomat to the world proving that they are about peace and not just slaughtering evil bastards.

Meanwhile the young, newly acquired Amazons are attacked on a beach by Giant Were-hawks. They're defeated and taken captive. Even Demetria, the Amazon with fire for blood and freckles to die for! The giants turn out to be Jotuns and they've stolen the Amazons away to Odin's realm. And even though the Fates warn that Amazon interference in Odin's land could bring Ragnarök down upon all of their heads, Hessia cannot turn her back on her sisters. Also, Narkissa points out that even the Amazons aren't sure about why they've been sent on this five year mission. So I was right to be confused! That's good because I hated sounding so much like the assholes "innocently" asking the point of the Women's March!

This Narrator is the insane one!

The Amazon ships crash against some glaciers and they all sink. A bunch of Amazons sink beneath the waves and die. I hope none of the ones whose names I learned died. What a waste of time that would have been. Not that I remember even half them at this point. So maybe I should hope that those Amazons drowned.

As the Amazons try to recover in the snow and stormy weather, they're attacked by new enemies!

"They've changed, those trolls from the Frozen Mountains."

The Ranking!
I hate ranking books I'm not particularly interested in that do the job they set out to do competently. I used an Elfquest quote for that final picture because it reminded me of that moment near the end of the quest when they arrive in the Frozen Mountains. It was on my mind because this journey felt like being dropped into the middle of the Elfquest quest with no idea why they were questing and then ended with the confrontation with the trolls. While Elfquest took fifteen or so issues to get to that point, making you care about every fucking character in the group, this story tries to jam all of that into one issue. So while I've been introduced to a bunch of characters, I haven't been given time to become emotionally invested in any of them. Except maybe Demetria. I suppose she was meant to appeal to young impatient upstarts. The way fandom works nowadays, you don't have time to get to know a character and fall in love with them over time. You have to love them and identify with them immediately and draw a ton of fan-art and begin writing fan-fiction to prove your worth as the greatest fan of a character nobody knows shit about. This might be the problem with people getting so upset at writers who seemingly ruin people's favorite characters since the "favorite character" is really just a cipher full of the reader's projections thrust onto him or her.

That being said, Demetria is now my favorite character and I love her and Kevin Grevioux had better not kill her off.

Killer Frost Rebirth #1

I hope this is just twenty pages of Killer Frost shaving the side of her head.

This issue is a test to see that Killer Frost can keep her need to kill in check otherwise Batman will have no use for her. It seems odd that Batman and Amanda Waller's entire concern is that Killer Frost doesn't feed on anybody when they know she needs to absorb other people's life force to stay alive. They simply expect her to suffer. At the end of the issue, we see that she's been coping by absorbing small amounts of energy from everybody she comes into contact with instead of completely draining and killing a person every few days. But, again, nobody discusses this with her. I'm not sure if the ending of this issue is supposed to be a revelation that she hasn't quite lost the killer inside of her or that she's just doing what she needs to do in a responsible way. I have to assume that, since she's being sneaky about it, we're supposed to think she hasn't changed as much as she's saying she has. But wouldn't it be better for Batman, who is supposedly the smartest guy ever or something, to discuss the issue with Killer Frost? This issue shouldn't be twenty pages of making sure Killer Frost doesn't take a life even when she's about to die. This issue should be twenty pages of Batman sitting down with Killer Frost and discussing a plan for managing her need to absorb heat. It's not like Batman is recruiting other members for the team and telling one that the can't eat and another that they can't breathe and another that they can never shit. He needs to take fucking responsibility and work out a plan to manage Killer Frost's physical needs! If I were Batman, I'd try to set her up with Lobo. They'd make a nice couple. Lobo would probably love being completely drained while fucking and Killer Frost wouldn't have to worry about killing him either.

What Did I Learn?
I mentioned in a previous Justice League vs. Suicide Squad that Batman was making a great new Outsiders team. But I also only brought that up when Deadshot was one of the pretend members. That's a team I'd like to see. But I also see why it would be wrong to call this team Outsiders and why, symbolically, Orlando needs to call it the Justice League of America. Calling a team with a gay guy, an Asian immigrant, a young black female model, a white female pop star, and Lobo (who represents the MRA or something, I guess) The Outsiders is sending the message that these character types are on the fringes of America instead of that these are examples of the make-up of America. And Batman fills it out by being the rich bastard controlling everybody. See? Perfect metaphor for America!

The Ranking!
Can we just get to JLA Rebirth already?!

Kamandi Challenge #1

If this is as big a trainwreck as DC Challenge, I'll definitely solve it before DC does! I still don't think they solved that one.

I solved the DC Challenge before they did but it didn't matter because the story was a fucking joke. Batman is the World's Greatest Detective but only when the writer writing him has control of the entire story. Otherwise Batman gets the easiest clue in the world (finding the name ELI ELLIS by turning over a calculator after doing a sum) and he promptly forgets all about it for eleven issues. Then in the final issue when everybody had to get together to make sense of the eleven different stories that basically ignored almost everything that came before, Mark Evanier, writer of the first issue, was probably all, "You are all idiots!" Then somebody probably called him an idiot because he thought Benjamin Franklin was a president and on the fifty dollar bill. Maybe. I have a vague recollection that The Riddler fucked up that clue. It's been over twenty years, you know.

The DC Challenge was supposed to end each issue on a cliffhanger which the next writer was supposed to get out of. If I remember correctly though, these cliffhangers were either generally ignored and left for somebody else while the writer began a completely different plot thread concentrating on new characters. I imagine this series will be a lot like that. This one will start with Kamandi and his adventures. Then there will be a cliffhanger ending where Kamandi is about to die and the next issue will ignore it while focusing on the Atomic Knights. Then the next issue will focus on Ben Boxer while ignoring how the Atomic Knights were about to go critical and destroy the world. They'll be going critical for ten issues before somebody resolves that situation.

What I'm trying to say is that this thing is going to be a huge fucking mess.

I'm surprised Keith Giffen is doing the art. Unless this is Koblish trying to look like Kirby but instead looking like Giffen!

Kamandi, the not quite last boy on Earth, races off across town to try to catch the school bus at its last stop. It seems like if he can catch the school bus by cutting through town, he can probably just race straight to school. Not that I know the layout of his town! This is a mystery, by gorsh! Knowing the topographical features of the local locale could give away the mystery!

Kamandi is stopped by a cop who takes the law a little too seriously. He says, "I don't care if you're the last boy on Earth, no one crosses against the red." Dude. If he's the last boy on Earth then there's no danger crossing against the red! Unless the last girl on Earth is driving like a fucking maniac and coming from the other direction. Okay fine. I guess the cop has a point. Plus there are all those sentient animals who drive in the future. But maybe in their society, they cross on the red and stop on the green? Take that, Mr. Fascist Cop!

Some creatures crash through the sky as if it were just the top of a dome painted like the sky. Kamandi's fellow citizens pull out weapons to begin fighting them and urge Kamandi to rush home. I guess this is Command "D" and Kamandi lives in a simulated environment with his grandmother. Did I just solve the mystery? No? Oh, yeah, that's right. I just comprehended what I was reading. Never mind. I'll get that mystery yet though!

The Kangarat Murder Society has broken into Command "D" because there's a bounty on Kamandi's head. The villagers protect him because they're just robots built to protect the last boy on Earth. Kamandi rushes home thinking, "So when I fucked Sarah Lou Ellen behind the bleachers, I actually had my dick in a...a...machine?!"

Is that the mystery? The Case of Kamandi's Missing Parents?

After being shoved through The Void, Kamandi learns he's in a terrible spin-off of Heroes when he hears a voice say, "Find your parents. Save the world." Also, Heroes itself was fucking terrible. I will admit there were some interesting things about it but it was lazy in that the characters in every series were motivated by either a vision of the future or a prophecy. When a writer uses those devices to get the action moving, it means they're terrible writers.

Kamandi comes out of the other side of The Void with long hair and three months worth of piss and shit staining his torn up jeans. He winds up in the clutches of the Tiger-men! That means he's about to meet that pervert, Doctor Canus! Did I just solve the mystery? The pervert is Doctor Canus?

But before he can meet Doctor Canus, Kamandi must survive in the arena against Tiny. And you know with a name like "Tiny," he's got to be big. Even in the future, they stick to nickname clichés.

Based on what Kamandi knows, this statement makes no sense. Even if he's riffing on what the cop told him earlier, Kamandi has no idea that he's currently the last boy on Earth so if he dies, he'll, um, still be the last boy on Earth but with a slightly altered meaning.

And that's the end of part one! That's a pretty simple cliffhanger to solve! Kamandi just needs to beat Tiny. I bet he's swallowed whole by Tiny and then he kicks his way out of Tiny's stomach from the inside! No wait. That's preposterous. Maybe he'll do that thing that Luke did to the Rancor but instead of using a large thigh bone, he'll use the last boner on Earth. Or maybe Doctor Canus will stop the match because he likes the smell of Kamandi's asshole. However it's solved, I'll find out immediately because Dan Abnett takes over for Dan DiDio right here in the middle of the issue!

Oh yeah. Dan DiDio wrote the first story because of course he did. He seems to have called Dibs! on all of Jack Kirby's characters since The New 52 began (and maybe even earlier!).

Part Two is called "K is for 'Kill'!" K is also for Kamandi! And kissing! And kleptocracy! Oh! And klue! A klue to the mystery! Which is still a complete mystery!

Prince Tuftan watches bored as he waits for Kamandi to be torn to bits. I guess this is entertainment for tigers. It's probably like watching America's Test Kitchen on PBS. It's definitely making me hungry.

As Kamandi tries to escape Tiny (who is much bigger when drawn by Eaglesham than when drawn by Giffen!), he discovers the walls of the arena are electrified. Boo! Hiss! That's a cheating shortcut! Electricity is always the way the hero takes out the unstoppable foe! This Cliffhanger Solution rates a 3 out of 10! Did I boo yet? BOO!

Tiny is knocked unconscious from the electrified walls. That's got to be a lot of electricity running along those walls to drop a beast like that! I guess the Tiger-men's post-apocalyptic world isn't so bad if it has such generous power reserves.

Prince Fuzzypants is impressed by Kamandi's resourcefulness even though that resourcefulness has been used over and over again in all kinds of books and movies and television shows. How lucky that there's always some kind of electrical danger nearby when the hero is about to be torn to pieces.

Kamandi is brought to Doctor Canus to be trained. Doctor Canus begins slathering peanut butter all over his cock.

You'd be shocked too if your dog began talking to you while you were crouched in front of it with your crotch covered in Jif.

Doctor Canus takes Kamandi on a walk and shows him Tiger City. Upon seeing the Brother Eye symbol outside the Hall of War, Kamandi tries to investigate it. But it will have to wait until Kamandi becomes best friends with Prince Fuzzypants. For now, he's just a lowly animal being trained to fight in the arena. I hope the second cliffhanger isn't another bout in the arena! Maybe all the cliffhangers will be bigger and bigger opponents in the arena.

Great Caesar returns with a load of leopard slaves and a nuclear missile. Kamandi slips his leash and loses Canus in the celebrating crowd. He heads straight to the Hall of War where he was just told he couldn't go. Somebody is going to be called a bad human and thumped on his tender nose.

Guarding the Hall of War are a bunch of Jackdaws. They're sentient humanoid crows and probably the next cliffhanger. Oh, no. There are still too many pages left. I guess this diversion was just so Kamandi could learn that the tigers of Tiger City are stockpiling ancient weapons. That might be a clue for later! It's hard to tell though because I still don't know what the mystery is. But I think I do know what the next cliffhanger will be!

Silly tigers! Nukes are for...uh, I mean, they're greeeeeeeeat!

The stupid tigers set the bomb to detonate in five minutes. What a cliffhanger! Kamandi only has five minutes to convince Doctor Canus that the tigers will die if he doesn't disarm the bomb! And he'll only have thirty seconds to do that since he'll spend most of the time licking off that peanut butter!

What Did I Learn?
Well, I haven't learned what the mystery is yet, that's for sure! Is the mystery how the world was destroyed? Or why Kamandi needs to find his parents? Or why he needs to remember Command "D" (other than so everybody thinks that's his name)? Or why the world needs saving? Or why the tigers are so stupid and careless? Maybe the mystery is how a dog became a scientist!

The Ranking!
Well shit. It's not too bad because I love stupid gimmick comic books like this!

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Suicide Squad #10

Rustam gets his revenge against Amanda by showing Amanda's children the kind of person she is. They already hated her but now they get to hate her even more. So that's something? Or it's nothing. I don't see how it matters since we've gone this long without knowing much of anything about Amanda's past and now that we do, she's just lost the people from it again. Good riddance. Family is like an albatross. Meaning it's good luck to shoot them and hang them around your neck.

What Did I Learn?
Amanda Waller is no longer fat. She just has a big fucking head.

The Ranking!
No change!

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #6

I didn't know Killer Frost could shoot ice sludge out of her vagina.

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists are obviously not Iron Maiden fans or they would have cranked that Doomsday Clock up by another thirty seconds.

Yesterday I won an Internet argument. Not that I was having an argument with anybody! But I saw some guy named Shawn Overton on an Omaha World Herald post writing dumb, illogical things. He then mocked everybody who countered his dumb, illogical things with rational things by sarcastically calling their replies brilliant. Using my philosophy of never trying to reason with idiots who can't be reasoned with and just approaching these situations with joyful whimsy, I responded, "I have a brilliant response for Shemp Overdone: You are the big dum-dum!" He preceded to delete his original comment and go home. I'm pretty sure that's a win! Plus, it's what I'm doing daily to Trump and Spicer. They're probably more used it and have aides receiving these daily insults and jabs so it might take longer for them to get frustrated and just go home. But if more people were to join me in joyfully and whimsically insulting the president and his press secretary on a daily basis, I can't imagine that they'll have the gumption to keep it up for four years.

Here's my latest tweet to Donald Trump: "@POTUS @realDonaldTrump You're like the saddest children's book. You just want to be loved but you're the most hated president ever!"

It's difficult being a revolutionary revolutionary!

At the end of the last issue, Max Lord finally turned into Eclipso. Oh man. Remember Eclipso: The Darkness Within from 1992? I suppose a lot of you weren't born yet. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. Eclipso eclipsed a whole bunch of superheroes before they finally hit upon the idea of using mirrors or something to shine the light of the sun on his headquarters located on the dark side of the moon. Except, you know, the "dark side of the moon" is just a thing we say to describe the side of the moon that you never see from Earth. It's fully bathed in sunlight every thirty days or so! I suppose the DC heroes didn't have that long to wait so they had to come up with the mirror thing.

Eclipso begins this issue with a riddle: "Have you ever wondered why the darkness always returned?" Oh! Oh! I can answer that riddle! "No."

Eclipso goes on to explain the answer anyway. He says, "Because it never leaves." That's so fucking profound! Yeah, yeah! I never thought of it that way. The darkness is always all around me! It hasn't been driven away by light at all. It's just remaining dormant, waiting for the light to be switched off! And then boom! It's back with a vengeance! But I think Eclipso is being more figurative than that. He's just trying to point out that we all have evil inside of us and when we're eclipsed by his power, we don't become evil because of Eclipso. We act on the evil impulses already there which we normally control because we don't want to embarrass our mothers.

Eclipso remembers his shitty crossover event!

And then Batman's Suicide Squad rescues the Justice League and they save the world from Eclipso! Probably. It's not like I need to know every detail of this story since it's the last issue. These blog entries are just a way for me to remember each comic from month to month so I'm not thoroughly confused by every new issue. I suppose the other important thing that will happen by the end of it is that Batman will quit the Justice League (again!) to form the Justice League of America and he'll offer Lobo and Killer Frost jobs on his team. Then everybody will think, "Wait a second! How can Batman afford Lobo, the most expensive hitman in the entire universe?! He would need Bruce Wayne money for...OHO!"

Deadshot really dug deep for this insult!

Apparently one of Deadshot's deepest, darkest evil thoughts is that he'd like to kill his daughter so he'll never feel guilty about killing again. I could go two ways on this one with my comments. I could choose to be a childish asshole and discuss how Joshua Williamson is an idiot if he thinks this is good characterization and that Deadshot would ever harbor that evil thought. Or I could be magnanimous and believe what is probably the truth anyway because it's less entertaining to write about: Eclipso is just a lying douchebag trying to convince himself that he isn't forcing people to be evil when he actually is. It allows him to see himself as a heroic god giving people the freedom to engage in their deepest desires rather than a manipulative bastard who just wants to see the world go dark.

Deadshot becomes eclipsed and declares he's going to kill everyone. Oh no! Even the other eclipsed people?! And Eclipso?! He might just save the world!

Batman eventually comes to the same conclusion I did last issue.

So the delivery systems are different. He wants Superman to look at Eclipso while I wanted Superman to pee on him.

Eventually it's down to just Batman, Amanda Waller, Killer Frost, and Lobo. Eclipso is terrible at triage. He concentrated on eclipsing all the wrong people! You definitely have to get Batman first. Or at least get one of the others to kill him. If Eclipso really makes people's deepest, darkest thoughts rise to the surface, I imagine every member of the Justice League would have killed Batman immediately, the pretentious twat.

Batman and Killer Frost get their prism plan underway while Lobo beats the shit out of everybody else. Luckily everybody else complies and only goes after Lobo. Just Superman goes after Batman and Killer Frost. What a stroke of luck!

Batman is faster than Superman's heat vision. Although, I suppose, I've dodge Roadhog's hook on Overwatch enough to realize you begin the dodge before Roadhog even knows he's about to throw the hook. Same principle!

The plan works to free the heroes and villains from Eclipso's control. Judging by the FWASH sound effect, Supergirl could have done this without Killer Frost's help. That's an old joke that only one person reading this blog will understand.

Eclipso counters with a FWSSH sound effect which is probably something totally disgusting. I think it amounts to Eclipso spraying his darkness juice via a goat.se pose. But it's too late! Killer Frost has gotten a taste for justice and she turns the tables on Eclipso. He's bathed in sunlight and reverts to Max Lord as the black diamond explodes. I think. I'm sure it exploded so that little black diamonds can litter the Earth causing small Eclipso attackes every few months.

The world has been saved and all that is left is for the Suicide Squad and the Justice League to participate in a denouement.

Oh man. Enchantress and Jessica Cruz are so going to fuck.

Batman admits to Waller that Task Force X can work as long as she stops stealing his files out of the Batcave. Also, she needs to let Killer Frost retire so Batman can use her for his new Outsiders team he's going to call Justice League of America. But we all know it's really The Outsiders. Just look at the lineup!

Lobo decides to give Batman one free job (not that kind of job! (or that kind!)) for freeing him from Max Lord's control. I'm not sure what kind of jobs Lobo thinks Batman has for him. Hide in Damian's closet to scare him straight? But of course Batman already has a job for him. I bet it's to be Killer Frost's life-force battery as a member of the new Outsiders. Although I can't imagine that job qualifies as a freebie since it's ongoing. Lobo's going to need some of that sweet Bruce Wayne cash to keep that job.

Apparently Lobo has to join The Outsiders because he gave his word he'd do a free job for Batman and specified that it didn't matter what the job was. Lobo should be more careful with what he says. Doesn't he know that writers take his "always keeps his word" thing way too seriously?!

In the epilogue, Max Lord points out that this whole thing was engineered by Amanda Waller to get Batman to lay off the Suicide Squad. That totally makes sense since it's basically the plot of the Suicide Squad movie.

The other characters all get to tie up their loose ends too. Emerald Empress decides to start the Fatal Five so she can hunt down Saturn Girl. Johnny Sorrow's mask is still on Earth waiting for a non-white, non-heterosexual, non-male character to put it on. Doctor Polaris is making out with his helmet. Rustam is going after Havana Waller. And, of course, the Black Diamonds are now everywhere.

Then on the final page, Amanda Waller does that reveal thing where the "X" in Task Force X is a number and not a letter. Even though it was a letter just one or two incarnations ago because there were Task Force Ys and Zs or something. It's such a shocking revelation that isn't boring and overused at all!

Previously, there was Task Force A-Y. Now there are just Task Force I-XI plus zero which was the first one but I don't think the Romans have a letter for zero. They should have used an O like we do! Dumb-dumbs!

What Did I Learn?
Amanda Waller is as much a genius as Harvest was. She really knows how to build an overly complicated Rube Goldbergian plot device to take care of fairly simple problems. I'm sure she could have come up with another way to keep Batman off of her back instead of this method that relied on so many unknowable factors that it should never have worked out exactly as she planned. It would have been easier to hire Psimon or J'onn J'onnz to erase Batman's memory of the Suicide Squad. And while they were at it, maybe erase the memory of everybody in the world since they all seem to know about Task Force X and how it's part of the United States government. People knowing about how it works ruins the entire reason for why it works!

The Ranking!
No change!

Raven #5

Catchy nickname.

The covers for this comic book make me believe that Marv Wolfman didn't have any idea what the story was going to be in time to give the cover artists an idea of the story inside. Marv probably just said, "It'll be about Raven in high school or something! And she does magic and shit! I'll probably throw Trigon in there and he'll rape some stuff." The cover of Issue #6 will probably be Trigon with his dick in a mailbox.

The White Carnival is still kidnapping people. Raven still can't get a ticket to the carnival. Her Aunt continues to ask Raven if she believes in God. Oh, and Antt's name is spelled with two Ts. That's important for some reason. I think it's so Antt's fragile ego isn't destroyed by everybody's ignorance of her superior individuality.

While Raven does nothing, Aunt Alice discovers her niece is a Teen Titan.

Fake news! The Titans haven't even saved New York once!

Raven's friends hang out in the hospital doing nothing. Raven's cousin comes out to find her but winds up doing nothing but getting in trouble. Raven's Aunt watches Raven turn into a demon on television and does nothing. And Raven almost continues to do nothing until she finally gets into the White Carnival just before this issue ends.

What Did I Learn?
I learned this series should have been two issues long. Raven should have found the White Carnival at the end of Issue #1 and entered it at the beginning of Issue #2. Then Issue #2 would be whatever is going to happen in Issue #6 and Issues #2-5 wouldn't exist because nothing fucking happened in them anyway.

The Ranking!

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Raven #4

This cover makes me think of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Since Donald Trump is against the free exchange of ideas, supporters of Donald Trump are not allowed to read my blog anymore. Not that it really matters! The moment any of them read that, my blog became idiotic and unfunny to them, no matter what they thought of it before.

I really am finding difficult to read a comic book straight through these days without being distracted. I have to keep stopping to tweet to President Trump or Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Here's my latest tweet to Trump:

@realDonaldTrump While you're investigating voter fraud, maybe look into gangs driving without headlights on and murderers with hookhands.

It's suddenly become more fun to tweet at Trump and Spicer than to make fun of comic books. I sincerely think the best course of action is to tweet Trump hilariously insulting daily tweets until he can't take the incessant criticism and quits.

But enough about stuff that doesn't matter! Let me explain how shitty this comic book is!

The White Carnival is still pulling people into it. It's been doing that without any real change to the plot for three issues now because DC mini-series have to be six issues long, no matter how much story Marv Wolfman was able to come up with. Raven has wound up in the hospital battling her soulself while a terrible doctor looks on.

"Cardiac arrest! Oh no! I have to cut her open!"

The doctor is about to cut into Raven saying, "I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing, but I know she will die if I do nothing." Maybe he's the janitor who just found a scalpel lying nearby? Surprisingly, the doctor doesn't do anything and Raven doesn't die. I bet the nurses never look him in the eye again.

Once more, people go in to the White Carnival, people come out drained, and Raven cannot get in. It's still not powerful enough to defeat her. It would have been nice if it were powerful enough as soon as it was up and running so this series could have been two issues long.

Raven also takes care of the super-villains trying to take credit for the White Carnival in order to collect a ransom. None of them are ever named because they were just a way to prolong a story that has no point. Oh, and Raven battled Trigon's will because Marv Wolfman doesn't know how to write a Raven story without featuring Trigon.

What Did I Learn?
I learned I've had my fill of Trump supporters. If they're still supporting Trump at this point, they're obviously only concerned with gloating. Introspection is not a thing they are capable of. They steadfastly believe that the truth is propaganda and that propaganda is truth because they have such a high degree of self-confidence in their ability to sense bullshit. But they are wrong. They will always be wrong. Because instead of stopping and wondering why Trump is working to remove all transparency from Washington when he stated he was giving America back to the people, they're busy calling people libtards and laughing about their liberal tears. They're angry and butthurt and they have no idea why the anger didn't go away when Trump became president so they continue to lash out at those they perceive are their enemies (thus actually making them their enemies). They can't understand why they should stand up for anything that doesn't affect them directly and so revel in other people's misery. Eventually they'll learn that they've been duped but we're all going to pay the price until then. I have a sad feeling the only thing that will make Trump supporters angry at this point is when they realize they're paying for the Mexican Border Wall out of their taxes. Actually, that sad feeling is "hope" and it makes me sad because I don't even think that will do it for them.

The Ranking!
No change.