Justice League United #16

Goodbye, best Justice League of The New 52!

I hope this is the last issue! Not because I want it to be the last issue but because I already said goodbye to it in the caption up there. I'm actually angry that this Justice League is being cancelled and the regular Justice League is still somehow everybody's favorite Justice League. Everybody thinks Geoff Johns squirts gold-plated sperms. His stories succeed simply because he has complete control over the DC Youniverse! He can do any ridiculous thing he wants to any character and he doesn't have a shit editor breathing down his neck telling him he can't do it. He's basically allowed to write an Elseworlds tale every time he sits down to think up a new Justice League story. But his Elseworlds story changes the fabric of the entire DC Youniverse which everybody else now has to keep in mind while they write their stories. I'd be the best writer at DC too if I could do anything I wanted! Batman would suddenly have a shit fetish, paying Catwoman thousands of dollars to squat over his naked chest. Green Lantern would make it his goal to bang an alien on every planet he visits. The Flash would murder all of the writers and editors who ignored the no time travel directive and screwed up The New 52 almost as soon as it began. Wonder Woman would end poverty, feed the hungry, overthrow every violent dictator, and hug the world. Superman would realize he's the biggest threat to the safety of Earth because he's constantly being mind-controlled and magically manipulated and turned dark by evil energy and he'd put a kryptonite bullet in his brain. Then the hypocrites all around the world would mourn his death and cry about how the greatest hero ever was dead! Although a lot of irritating shits would remind everybody how problematic he was and that everybody claiming he was a hero is totally gross and disgusting.

But enough about that crappy Justice League! It's time to see off the Justice League that is actually saving the world.

Look how cute Alanna is with her teacher who really shouldn't have started a sexual relationship with her.

This story is the story of the first Breaker Justice League United had to deal with. Which means it's probably also the story in which Adam Strange becomes part of the Zeta Beam. It's also a story called "House of Secrets" which will really please me if the House of Secrets is actually in it.

The Breaker has landed in Western Connecticut and set up a dome around the town. People can get into the dome but then can't leave. So Justice League United becomes trapped immediately. Only Adam Strange is outside of the dome and he flies off to help keep people out and to figure out how to rescue everybody.

To be fair, Adam, I think they were less concerned with space opera drama than sexual harassment lawsuits and abuses of power.

Justice League United begins to ask questions to the strange looking Travel Foremanesque locals because they don't know what a Breaker looks like. A kid on a bike helps them out by pointing to an old house that wasn't in town that morning: the House of Secrets! I hope Rain still lives there! Maybe Stargirl will become the judge for the Juris!

Yay! Maybe not better than Rain but just as good: Abel is back!

Equinox walks into a room where she sees the creation of the Wendigo (or whatever the creature is that haunts her people. I forget!). Stargirl witnesses Boston Brand's death. Animal Man sees the Kents' stealing a baby out of a rocket ship. Alanna decides Abel is the breaker and kills him. Too bad he's used to being murdered. He gets back up, dusts himself off, and explains to the Justice League United that they are in a house of secrets. He's actually pretty reasonable about it for having just had his arm blown off by a grad student.

While the others explore the House of Secrets, Adam learns that if Alanna uses her zeta beam technology while in the Breaker, she'll wind up a permanent part of the zeta beam. I guess learning that information won't stop Adam from doing it.

Why are heroes always so quick to throw their lives away? Just ask Abel nicely! I'm sure he'll help if everybody just starts respecting him as their host!

Adam zeta beams out causing the House of Secrets to collapse because it really was the Breaker. I guess Abel hasn't actually made a real appearance then. Although Jeff Parker gets away with introducing a character into the DC You that editorial definitely didn't want existing in the new DC:

Detective Chimp is canon! And not just Channel 52 canon! Real canon!

After Alanna tells the story of the first Breaker, she explains to the others what she saw in the House of Secrets. She saw that her father was Sardath of Rann. And now she thinks she knows how to force Sardath into saving Adam from the zeta beam and ending Justice League United with a clean slate. Which is what happens and everybody lives happily ever after until Justice League United is resurrected with an awful writer and then they'll all be super sad.

Justice League United #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. Jeff Parker saved this book but I guess it was too late. I've also got to say that I was always ambivalent about Travel Foreman's art but he's won me over on this book. His style is all over the place and I love it. He may be the only artist in comics who can draw average sized boobs. And they look great! I'm going to miss this book because Jeff Parker understands how to write a comic book. A good mix of fun and adventure and character interactions and good old super hero nonsense.