Here comes Scott Lobdell to change up Superman's origin! No longer will he have been simply shot in a rocket toward a solar system with a yellow sun. Now someone will have convinced Jor-el to choose the Sol System. This someone will also have programmed the rocket to land in Kansas. This someone will have placed the mutated lamb on the farm near the Kents and slipped some RU486 into Ma's morning tea so that she'd miscarry. It's all just one big elaborate plan by some secret antagonist to get Superman to exactly where he's found himself! And maybe that antagonist is Harvest!
The story begins with Jor-el.
How does Superman suddenly know so much about his father? Maybe Harvest told him. And why is Jor-el wearing Lex Luthor's power armor? I guess it was Kryptonian in design. I didn't really read much Superman so there's no reason I should have known. I simply owned the Lex Luthor in Power Armor Super Friends action figure!
But is this devastation due to the Clones destroying all the climate control towers or has it been caused by the rumored secret Doomsday cult that sprung up after the Clones' defeat. Only Harvest knows for sure!
The bureaucracy of Kryptonopolis keeps him from descending again. So he goes home to his wife who tells him she's pregnant. And then the Science Center with the passage into Krypton is blown to bits, killing everyone around and sealing the passage. And the terrorists behind it all show up in his home to demand he do what they want or they'll kill Lara.
But apparently Lara isn't that easy to kill.
Ugh. So fucking dumb. "If you don't help us, Jor-el, we'll kill you. If you help us, everyone will be killed." The bad guys have already escalated to the end point: the death of everything. Maybe Harvest is the Eradicator!
How is this shocking twist supposed to be anything but stupid? Was I supposed to be floored by it? What a twist!
Anyway, even if Superman was there, half of his Narration Boxes talk about what Jor-el was thinking. So Superman being their doesn't explain anything. And I'm still not done reading this comic! Lobdell wants me to drop my underwear just a little bit more. Maybe bend over the desk a bit more, hunh Lobdell? Is this good enough for you? Yeah? How about a little more lube? That feel better? Oh yeah!
Two! TWO GIGANTIC HORNS BLOWN IN THE PAGES OF SUPERMAN! AH HA HA HA HA!
Superman #0 Rating: The ass-destroyingest issue of the entire New 52 so far.