Saturday, January 2, 2016

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.

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