Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Action Comics #977

Gross. This is like watching a video of your own birth.

I'm glad nobody videotaped the moment I was born. I'm even more glad that it was never filmed and I never stumbled on the video at fourteen and decided to jerk off while watching it. So glad that totally didn't happen.

The Review!
Superman feels uneasy about how DC Continuity has changed and he has to consult the history crystals in the Fortress of Solitude to convince all of the Fangenders that the DC Universe has been completely fixed! You know, if you thought it was broken. If you didn't think it was broken, it's still the same as the not-broken universe you remember. If you thought it was beyond broken and DC had shit inside your mouth and then grabbed your upper and lower jaw and forced you to chew and laughed in your face the entire time, DC wants you to remember how that didn't happen at all now. Because they said so. Every DC Comic book story that you can remember is once again part of DC Continuity. Don't let any other fangenders bully you into believing otherwise with their "facts" and "scans of stories that contradict scans of other stories." Just ignore those bitter old Actually Trolls and believe in the DC Universe you want to believe in. Superman says it's okay, even if you, like Superman, feel a bit unsettled about it all.

The Ranking!
+1 because even though this issue is really just the punctuation on the Superman Reborn story and a bit of reassurance that everything has been set right (whatever you think "right" means in this context!), the story continues doing the only thing I wanted out of Rebirth: a strong sense of denial about every DC Reboot ever! Just take the blue pill (unless it was the red pill (maybe it was both the red and blue pill?)) and accept everything you're being told. Shh. Shh. Don't fight it. You'll enjoy the DC Universe much more this way.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #18

The Green Lantern Corps are cursed to play imaginary keyboards!

Before reading this issue, I have a question about the ending to the last issue. Kyle's white ring separated into seven different rings which all took off to find a new host. One of those rings was an Orange Ring. But there's only one real orange ring, isn't there? Does this mean DC's going to be publishing a Larfleeze civil war type comic book where he goes to battle with whoever winds up with the new orange ring? Or will the orange ring simply rush off to Larfleeze because he's just that greedy? I hope it goes to Scrooge McDuck.

The Review!
This issue begins by reminding me of the main reason I can't stand the concept of the Green Lantern Corps. Gorin-Sunn and Space Ape respond to Gorin's ring's notification that a "universal criminal code statute" is possibly being violated. So they rush off to the scene of the crime to do their police work. I despise the idea that the Green Lantern Corps are simply universal cops on patrol busting people for breaking some mysterious set of laws put in place by who the fuck knows what. I suppose the Guardians? Anyway, I'd rather they simply patrol the universe searching for people or planets in distress that need help. They should be more like EMTs and fire fighters than beat cops. This whole police shtick is way too authoritarian for my liking.

Space Ape and Gorin-Sunn encounter a planet full of willpower and angry, sharp crystalline creatures. The scene shifts after the creatures attack so I'm going to assume Gorin-Sunn and Space Ape are dead now.

Rings don't kill people. Alien freaks wearing rings kill people.

I feel like the Blue Lanterns might take umbrage with calling their rings "guns." I would say the same of the Violet Lanterns but I've heard the Bon Jovi song.

Speaking of the guy with the penis on his head, Saint Walker is sent off to recruit more members to the Blue Lanterns. It's probably poor timing to find any members on Earth.

After a big brawl between the Green and Yellow Lanterns which is ended when Guy and Arkillo stumble onto the scene to proclaim that they're Green and Yellow Jesus and they beat each other up so the rest don't have to, Rip Hunter cracks time and stumbles into Salaak's base of operations. He's wearing a Green Lantern ring and he's got a message to get the plot moving: The Green Lanterns have been erased from the future! Wait. Is that against the law? If it's not against the law, the Green Lanterns probably shouldn't investigate it.

The Ranking!
No change! Here is the plot progression of this comic book: Prologue to the plot! Stuff that doesn't matter to the plot but needs to be expressed so that Fangenders don't keep going on and on and on in forums about how the Green Lanterns and Yellow Lanterns are getting along way too eagerly. Lanterns ready to investigate the prologue to the plot to get the plot moving in the way stories usually work. Rip Hunter shits all over everything and yells, "Shortcut to plot! Danger! From the future!" The end.

Wonder Woman #20

I wonder if Frank Cho sees Rucka allowing sexy Wonder Woman covers like this where she's casually jerking off a sword and rolls over in his perverted grave?

The Review!
If you're into feminism, you'd better be reading this comic book! Also, you should be into comic books. I'm not into this comic book which poses a problem because I'm really into feminism. At parties, I'm always all, "Hey! How about that feminism? Pretty cool, right?!" Then when nobody talks to me, I throw an incomprehensible tantrum while using phrases like "nice guy" and "total bitch" a lot. You'd think women would be all over you when you proudly proclaim you're into feminism! And I suppose some of them kind of act intrigued but then they want to discuss it and they lose interest pretty quickly when you ask them if they're drunk enough to take off some clothes.

All that being said, this issue — Issue #20, by God! — is the first issue I truly enjoyed. Why the fuck did it take this long to get to the story, Greg Rucka? I hate unnecessary prologue! I mean, some of the previous story could probably be considered necessary. But not a lot of it! A lot of it was boring garbage!

Some questions you were probably too bored to ask were answered this issue and boy were they doozies! Here's one that was answered: Will I ever get to see a panel where Circe strips naked? The answer to that one was yes! Another one was this question: Are the dogs, Deimos and Phobos, any relation to the gods, Deimos and Phobos? The answer to that one is no! I mean, they are Deimos and Phobos and not relations of them. Why would you think some gods would be related to dogs? Oh yeah, that's right! Because the Greek gods fucked anything that moved!

The Ranking!
+1! Finally! An issue of Wonder Woman worth reading. I mean, some of the other ones were worth reading too. But only if you needed to fall asleep quickly.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #8

When did this comic book take a left turn on What the Fuck Avenue?

The Review!
Batman is chastised with the modern view that he's a monster who simply beats up on people with mental illnesses and then the love of friends and family and warm hugs saves the day. Well, it saves this day, anyway. Olive disappears to continue her arsonistic rampage across Gotham as Cal-Amity Arkham possesses her body. Hopefully Batman will speak nicely to her and not punch her in the face to get her to stop burning the city to the ground.

The Ranking!
No change. Pomeline didn't get naked.

Suicide Squad #15


I understand that people get angry with people who don't vote because they know the people not voting almost certainly wouldn't be voting for the Republican candidate. So that can be frustrating. But the Democratic Party has a problem and it isn't one of the ones everybody thinks it is. The problem is that they offer too many good choices during the primaries. If you have even two candidates that are both intelligent and capable but differ in staggeringly important positions (like the Wall Street thing and the maybe doesn't care enough about minorities thing), you're going to really split your base. And the last thing you want to do before an election against the most ignorant group of people in the world is split your base. Because even people who think they're ethical and smart will simply turn out to be stubborn tantrum throwers who will refuse to support the person who beat the person they were supporting. I mean, I've never seen a 49ers fan rooting for the Seattle Seahawks in the Superbowls after losing to them in the playtimes. The Democratic Party needs to check out what the Republicans do to solve this problem and do that. And what do the Republicans do differently during the Primaries? They offer their base a dozen bland, boring, ignorant jerks who are all basically the same old stodgy white male who can only spout talking points about being anti-abortion and anti-taxes and pro-xenophobia and pro-euphemisms for racism. They're all pretty much the same and none of them are ever leadership material. They just need a fuck puppet who can sign their name while sucking corporate dick. That isn't as easy as it sounds! You can't really work the shaft properly or caress the balls if you're fiddling with a pen. This lineup of mediocre vanilla pudding ensures that nobody in the base will be too angry when their pick drops out. This is why the Republicans were turning against Trump before they realized he won and had to hide the boners in their pants. They were worried that the Republican pick would finally alienate some of their base and that those people would realize that Fox News is a big bag of lies and Hilary was actually a pretty good choice for Republicans (especially over Trump). Sure, maybe they'd have to suck it up and actually vote for a woman. And maybe they'd have to look a little closer at Fox News and possibly realize that it's Red America's state propaganda channel. In the end, it was just easier to keep doing what they've always done forever: just get your ass in the booth and vote for the Republican candidate because that's easier than thinking. Plus abortion! Yeegads! Spook diddly doo! Gotta keep it from getting our precious kids! Oh, and we'll need all the guns for that, especially the automatics! Plus, have you seen how hard my erection gets while firing one of these things?! I just have to concentrate so I don't Onan all over my jeans and make God angry.

I don't know why Republicans are so against abortion. Don't they all believe that liberal commie leftists are the only ones to get abortions? That means they're destroying their own base, one fetus at a time! Or maybe they all believe Family Ties was real and that every aborted liberal baby would have been the next Alex P. Keaton.

I just need to remind people that Donald Trump is an embarrassment and everybody who voted for him an ignorant twat. Also Bernie Bros who refused to vote for Hilary because emails and Wall Street? Samesies. I voted for Bernie in the primary because I've liked him for a long time. I voted for Hilary in the presidential election because she was possibly the most experienced and capable politician to run for president in my lifetime.

The Review!
As I've pointed out before, Amanda Waller is currently skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat women.

Not that he can draw any body type particularly well.

Now that Amanda has appeared to yell, "Surprise! Everything is different than you thought it was, Rustam!", Katana slips out of her bonds and chops Deadshot's hand off. That's okay. He probably wasn't using his left hand too much anyway. Except probably to masturbate. That might seem improbable but I'm right-handed and I masturbate with my left hand. I switched up decades ago when I was still a teenager because I was masturbating so much that my penis was curving to one side. I had to even it out! Eventually, I just got used to using my left! Plus, it's much sexier this way.

Guess what? Harley Quinn also isn't dead! I know, right?! What the hell?! Suicide Squad. More like Cozy Time Fun Blast Squad. I bet Hack didn't die either! And I bet Deadshot's cut off arm was one of those fake plastic Halloween ones that my creepy uncle pretends he's wearing when he touches all the cute young mother's butts.

The Burning World Buddies realize maybe they should be named the Suicide Squad as Captain Boomerang cuts off Ravan's head and Killer Croc begins to eat Manticore and Enchantress casts a death spell on Jinn. Or Djinn? Whatever.

Finally, Deadshot shoots Rustam in the back because Deadshot always works for Amanda Waller. He works for her so hard that he's willing to have a hand cut off while doing it. It was obvious he was still with the Squad or else Katana would have cut off his right hand. Even for Deadshot, it's tough to make accurate shots with his left wrist pistol when he can only look out of the scope visor over his right eye.

In the end, it turns out Amanda was controlling everything the whole time, just like everybody reading this knew. So obvious. I was just joking when I kept repeating that Amanda Waller was really dead. I never actually believed it for once! No, really! I didn't! I just said it for laughs! Seriously! Why won't you believe me?! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, dammit!

Later, Amanda checks out Hack's body down in the morgue so she can say a thing she's never said since The New 52 began.

If by "some," you mean "a few Man-bats here and there," then sure, I guess.

Deadshot gets a new metal arm because it's cool and shit. Plus he gets to see his daughter and spend a weekend on the coast with her. Apparently the only way to get Amanda Waller to play nice is if you open a fucking vein for her.

Amanda Waller explains the magic of how she made it look like she died in the second story. It's the usual stuff, magic and assassins. Plus she explains that the president has given her permission to use General Zod in her Suicide Squad. Because why not? Nothing can go wrong there as long as she's got a little Kryptonite in her back pocket, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I totally don't believe Hack is dead! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on you! Fool me three times, shame on you! Fool me four times, shame on you! Fool me five times, shame on you! Fool me six times, shame on you! Fool me seven times, shame on you! Fool me eight times, shame on you! Fool me nine times, shame on me!

Justice League of America #4

In my memory, this is every cover of Justice League International.

The Review!
Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo? Lobo Lobo! Lobo, Lobo Lobo.

Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo, Lobo, Lobo, Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo.


Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo; Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. LOBO!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Black Canary's Tits Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo.

The Ranking!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

New Super-man #10

Mmm! A savory Hostess Meat Pie!

The Review!
This issue begins with an unforgivable continuity error!

Snakepit attacked Clark Kent! People aren't supposed to remember that Clark Kent is Superman!

Okay, maybe this is forgivable and maybe it also isn't an error. Perhaps this takes place before Superman Reborn. Or perhaps Snakepit just doesn't keep up on the news so he still thinks Clark Kent and Superman are the same person (which they are but he's supposed to not think that anymore thanks to Mr. Mxyzptlk!). Also, who really fucking cares? I totally don't! That hole in my wall was already there from a different time I became really angry at a comic book. This time I didn't get angry at all.

On an unrelated note, how do you tell if you've broken your knuckles?

Kenan is really impressed by Superman's heat vision. He'd better hope he gets heat vision since he only gets one super power that relates to his eyes. It's either heat vision or x-ray vision. Oh wait. Kenan probably would rather have x-ray vision. For heroic reasons, of course.

Kenan opens Lex's Door to Hell again because Kenan is lazy and stupid. He thinks it'll give him super powers but instead all it gives him is loads of demons. Better loads of demons than demon loads! Brozingo!

Brozingo is what I say when I make a funny joke for the masses. It's a totally original exclamation!

Superman is all, "I'm sort of quoting Indiana Jones!" And Kenan is all, "I'm not!" Then they fight loads of demons.

Lex Luthor is dragged to Hell and Superman totally smirks a bit. I saw it! But Master I-Ching dives into Hell to rescue Lex, probably because there's a good chance he'll get a reward. It's the only reason I ever do anything for the greater good. The first thing I think is, "Will making the world a better place for people other than me grant me something in return?" If the answer is possibly yes, I'll do the thing and then tell everybody how I was totally paying it forward and now if somebody wants to pay their forwardness forward toward me, that would be cool. Because that's how it works, right?

I hate people who use the phrase "Pay it forward." I guess the only reason to do something kind is in the hopes that you will start some kind of movement of kindness. Which is sort of judgmental and sucky because it's almost like you're obligating the person you did something nice for into having to do something nice as well. At some point, the paying it forward will have to end. At that point, does everybody get angry at the selfish jerk who didn't do something kind after having something kind done unto them? Expecting that response seems kind of like a dick thing to expect.

I like to pay it forward with insults. You call somebody an asshole and then you know they're going to be so angry that they'll call somebody else an asshole later! Ha ha! It's like playing anger dominoes.

Master I-Ching drives away the demons and saves Lex but they become trapped in Hell when Dinner Party closes the doors behind them. It's proper etiquette! Lex Luthor doesn't mind because it gives him some time to speak with Skeleton In The Closet Superman.

The China White Triad flee the scene leaving Superman, The Fla-sh, and New Super-man to locate the Ox-Head and Horse-Face Hell Rings so they can open the door to Hell and rescue Master I-Ching.

That totally makes sense because X-Ray Vision is mainly used to give a person super boners which are located in the thigh region.

Once the doors are reopened, Kong Kenan meets Ox-Head and Horse-Face themselves! They kick out the humans, take back the demons, and return the rings to Hell so nobody can bother them again. But before they do that, Kenan asks them about his parents. They tell him his parents have not arrived in the afterlife. Shocking twist! I mean, at least for his mother. His father was shown earlier being held in a Bacta Tank in the Ministry of Self-Reliance's secret lab.

After the battle, Lex kicks Kenan out of his building without even giving Master I-Ching a reward. If only Lex could find somebody who loves him!

Superman tells New Super-man that he's going to need his help when Crisis!: Who Causes The Crises? takes place. Then New Super-man goes back to China taking The Fla-sh along. China is going to have the best Justice League ever! And also the cutest. Although they won't be truly great unless they can get themselves a Lo-Bo.

The epilogue reveals that Ching Lung is actually Master I-Ching in disguise! He's up to no good while also being up to good! Can he do that?!

The Ranking!
+1! If you're not reading this comic book, I don't care. Do whatever you want with your life!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Supergirl #8

Check it out, kids! A free digital comic book on this $3.99 comic book that used to cost $2.99! What a deal!

So DC Comics has decided they can no longer draw the line at $2.99 on monthly comic book titles. But what they can do is distract everybody with a free digital comic code! I'm super angry about this right now! Not because I have to pay an extra dollar on the monthly comic books but because I could be talking about Emerald Empress's tits! I particularly like the giant one leaking milk in her right hand! Wowzers!

The story begins with Kara being excited by a visit from her cousin, Superman. That's because she's forgotten that the only time he comes to visit her is to criticize the way she chooses to live her life. It's always "Wear underwear when flying around the city!" or "Don't stick the Kryptonian memory crystals in your vagina!" and "Stop immediately punching people in the face when you meet them!" and "Stop constantly exploding your vagina!" He has a lot of advice on what she should do with her vagina. Krypton is a lot more like Earth than people realize.

Why would he bring up the time she died as an example of cousins getting together?! That's not sexy at all!

Supergirl is about to remember how awful visits from her cousin can be when he begins to explain that today is a Kryptonian holiday: The Day of Truth! On this day, "Kryptonians tell only the truth, no matter how blunt or brash." Holy fuck. That sounds like the worst holiday ever. I have a feeling most Kryptonians took the day off work and locked themselves in a dark room until it was over. The problem with that kind of holiday is that most people's "truths" aren't truths at all! They're just terrible opinions a person thinks which they want to label as truth so they don't sound quite as horrible expressing them. What The Day of Truth really sounds like is a woman's every day experience on Twitter as sea lions harass them endlessly with "logic" and "reason" and "polite discussion." And of course Superman's first though on The Day of Truth was to go harass Supergirl with some of his "truths." I said it at the end of the last commentary when he appeared! Superman only visits to tell Supergirl how she's living her life incorrectly. Even when she died in the crisis on infinite Earths, Superman made it all about him!

How about saying, "Go to hell, you prick! Why aren't you spending the day with Lois, hmm? Is it because you know this holiday sucks ass and you'll just wind up saying a bunch of shit you'll regret later?!"

I bet Superman totally just made up this day.

I wonder if the Kryptonian Fox News affiliate had to go off the air on this day?

Luckily for Superman (because if Kara is going to tell the truth, Kal's about to get buried in some), Emerald Empress begins attacking a cement mixer in downtown National City. So instead of attacking each other in the spirit of the holiday, Supergirl and Superman fly off to speak some truth to Emerald Empress. If Superman doesn't say, at least once, "You are so fit!", I won't believe he's taking the day seriously.

Supergirl can't remember why Emerald Empress is mad at her. That makes sense since Emerald Empress is from the future. She's probably mad about however this battle ends. Also, she has apparently already tracked down Saturn Girl in Arkham Asylum and learned that Supergirl destroyed her life. Again, I'm betting Supergirl destroys her life because Emerald Empress attacked her for no reason on the Day of Truth (even if the reason is that Kara destroyed Emerald Empress's life because she attacked her on the Day of Truth for no reason).

Supergirl explains that magic cannot hurt iron. And she says it out loud on the Day of Truth, so it must be truth. But I think she's wrong about that! I think the iron has to be smelted by a Rabbi or spit on by a priest before it can become an anti-magic talisman. I don't think Ford built their engines out of anti-magic iron. I definitely know Volkswagen didn't!

Supergirl defeats Emerald Empress with an engine block so Emerald Empress teleports away but not before truthfully saying, "This isn't over! Lots of people hate you! You might want to reconsider punching people in the face when you meet them!" Meanwhile, Batgirl voyeurs through batnoculars from a building across the way. I bet she just solved the Mystery of Supergirl's Missing Underpants!

Superman and Supergirl fly off to the Fortress of Solitude to eat dinner with Clark's family on the Arctic Express. I don't know why there is a train sitting outside the Fortress but I'm sure the reason can be found in a Golden Age story I've never read.

So she can't use contractions but she understands the way we categorize extended family? I don't even understand that shit!

After dinner, Superman and Supergirl play catch between the Earth and the Moon using the Supermobile. I would have used the Bottled City of Kandor.

Since it's the Day of Truth, Superman finally gets around to what he wants to discuss. He needs to tell Supergirl about how he is now the Superman of every DC Universe. I know Superman Reborn only showed two merging but that was probably due to limited space and/or artist error. I won't believe that DC needed to fix Preboot Superman by integrating him with New 52 Superman. That's like pissing in a milkshake to make it more palatable. No, Preboot Superman has definitely integrated with all of the Supermen that have ever appeared in any non-Elseworlds DC Comic book. And in so doing, apparently, he's changing all of the other characters into their united forms as well! The only thing stopping the process from being truly complete is a tiny dicked blue man on Mars.

Don't think about it too hard or for too long! Shh, shh. Just let it be.

Meanwhile, Simon Tycho apparently isn't a gelatinous butler encased in crystal (unless he became a sentient AI unit in Supergirl's Underwater Fortress of Secret Shame?) anymore. He's back running Tychotech and stealing technology and generally doing bad corporate things and pretending he's not a poor man's Lex Luthor. Also involved in corporate espionage (probably)? Batgirl! Everybody is looking into the rumor that Tychotech has developed (or, you know, stolen) the next big step in green energy. Catco, the DEO, and Batgirl's company (whatever it was called. Luke Fox's Cock Industries?) are interested!

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book became so much better when Cyborg Superman was removed.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Scooby Apocalypse #12

This Velman pose makes my butt wet.

The Review!
This month, the Scooby Gang are in Portland! I should probably annotate that with the state (Oregon) because I don't want to piss off all them Maine Portland fans who are all "Ayuh! Yuh reap what yuh sow!" Now I've probably pissed off a whole other set of fans who are furiously typing into the comments section "That was Bangor or Castle Rock you're thinking...excuse me while I push my nerd glasses up higher on my nose in an aggressively intellectual pause...of!" I hate fangenders of every kind! Why are they so mad when I shit all over their favorite thing?! My asshole has opinions that can't be stopped by anything short of Velma's finger! Or two fingers. Maybe three. Mmm. You know what? Let's try four!

Oh. Excuse me. According to the location box, they're in Seattle. I was just confused since the freeway signs indicate they're in Portland.

Shaggy and Fred makes sure to have the "It's so incredibly hard to believe but we're becoming friends!" conversation on page three before all the cynical readers snort and think, "I can't believe they're all becoming friends!" It's been twelve issues of the same argument between Velma and Daphne so I'm just relieved that Keith and J.M. are declaring that part of the story has been resolved. No more arguing about whose fault the worldwide plague is (because it was Velma's). Now it's time to become the meddling kids we all knew and loved for a few years of our lives before we realized Scrappy Doo was an insufferable bastard.

The Scooby Gang are in Seattle (or on their way? No, no. I think they're supposed to be in Seattle and not just about to drive over the I-5 bridge in Portland no matter what the visual evidence says) to find Rufus, Velma's brother. Supposedly he can help in some way that was explained earlier but I wasn't paying attention because I was typing "NSFW VELMA" into my search window.

Velma's brother is a caricature of some famous person that I just can't put my finger on. Captain Kangaroo, maybe? Rufus has attracted the love and adoration of Seattle's most monstrous and disgusting inhabitants. I feel like that's a clue to the person Rufus is supposed to represent. A demagogue with monstrous followers? That could still be Captain Kangaroo!

Velma and the gang (minus Fred who was forced to sit in the Mystery Machine because he had a broken leg and also because he wouldn't stop hitting on Daphne and we're not to the part of the patriarchal wet dream story where the beautiful woman eventually gives in to the loser protagonist and declares that she also loves him) make it up to Rufus's office, knock on the door, and announce themselves. Rufus is all, "Say hello to my little friend (who is actually kind of big and sort of sawed-off!)"

The Scrappy Doo back-up story takes place in Walnut Creek, California (which means it's probably happening in Oakland). Scrappy meets a one-armed kid named Cliffy and puts a leash on him. Now Scrappy has somebody to talk to that isn't a snarling cybernetic dog-thing.

The Ranking!
No change! If you like Scooby Doo but want to read something that doesn't have the heart or feeling of the original cartoon series but has characters who solve their problems with violence who share the names of characters from the cartoon who solved their problems with logic and deduction, you'll love this comic book! Also if you don't like Scooby Doo but like those things I listed. Actually, your relationship with the original Scooby Doo has no bearing on what you'll think of this comic book since it has no bearing on the cartoon.

Monday, April 17, 2017

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #4

Can we call a moratorium on using The Vitruvian Man as the basis for comic book covers?

If the basis for this cover wasn't Vitruvian Man and was instead some kind of nod toward the endless cycle of the Hindu universe, I apologize. I'm only suggesting it might be that because of the six arms thing. Now I wish Jesus had had six arms. I bet they would have gone with a different method of execution. Happy Easter!

I hate when I'm eating chocolate covered graham crackers and I wipe my lips with a napkin and it looks like I just wiped my ass with it. I also hate when the same thing happens after rimming someone.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm excited to read this comic book. I say that because sometimes I pretend to be excited about things I'm not excited about. It helps me get through the day without becoming an adult who throws a tantrum. Unless it's one of those days when I'm pretending to be excited about throwing a tantrum in Starbucks. That's an entirely different story.

I hope this series ends with Captain Atom encountering Doctor Manhattan on Mars. No wait! I hope it ends just after that when they're fucking.

I should probably point out that this is an adult rated commentary! Maybe I don't need to add that warning. How many kids actually read things on the web? There's video in them thar hills! (The video is the gold and the hills are the Internet!)

Captain Atom has been told by the military to go on television and tell the public that he's not a tool of the military. He also demonstrates that he's the opposite of the terrible Captain Atom everybody remembers from J.T. Krul's run at the beginning of The New 52. Instead of leaking radiation everywhere and being a danger to everybody, he absorbs radiation and is friend to all animals! Hooray!

"I can't put my finger on why it looks like they're both pondering the situation?" I think as I stroke my chin and ponder the situation.

Captain Atom, in his civilian identity of Cameron Scott, has hired a detective to find his son. She has a robot leg so wounded vets have a character with which to identify. This turns out to intersect with one of my hobbyhorses:

Close-up shots of women's legs while wearing skirts!

Captain Atom's first mission as a government tool is to figure out why a man being put to death who was hit by one of Captain Atom's Quantum Tantrum Blasts has remained in a stasis field for five years. His name is Max Thrane and I bet he winds up taking some kind of stupid super villain name like Max Power!

A STAR Labs scientist is on the scene to explain how they know the things they know about the "Temporal Warp Bubble." See, they know time is stopped inside the bubble because Max Thrane hasn't grown any facial hair! But even though time has stopped, his heart is still beating, though slowed down exponentially. Yes, he said exponentially. I have doubts he means it in the literal sense. He probably just means "slowed down a lot!" Which means maybe he should have said it's slowed down logarithmically? I'm beginning to doubt this scientist's scientific credentials. You can't just say he's from STAR Labs and get me to buy into his nonsense!

Max Thrane manages to absorb a bunch of Captain Atom's power and escape his Temporal Warp Bubble. He also escapes the prison. What he most likely doesn't escape is the plot to this comic book. I'm sure Captain Atom will hunt him down and defeat him in the rematch.

Captain Atom's detective tracks down Captain Atom's kid and his name is Genji. Which reminds me it's time to play Overwatch! Goodbye!

The Ranking!
No change! Captain Atom may have had trouble tracking down Genji but Dr. Megala has been keeping an eye on him and experimenting on him in secret for years. So far, he hasn't shown any signs of being a superhero. But I'm sure that will change when his dad tries to hug him and he's all, "Where were you when I was growing up?! DADDY ISSUES!" Then his Quantum Pilot Light will flare up and he'll be Captain Atom Kid!

Superman #20

Is this going to be a Mad Men crossover?

Superman could learn a lot from Don Draper. Just let Superman watch Don Draper for a few weeks and Superman will hopefully begin to feel shame for all of his non-Superman behaviors. Although Superman probably isn't that self-reflective. He'd probably just label Don Draper a super villain and then punch him in the face. It's also possible Superman would just be completely charmed by Don Draper's alpha male chocolaty center and realize the true power of being Superman: loads of side-pussy! Having a comic book starring Don Draper and Clark Kent would be like every Batman story where the antagonist is just like The Batman except without privilege! Clark and Don are both secret identities. They both grew up on poor farms. They both took on careers where they basically lie to the public. And both of them wound up fucking women that they work with! Aside from the drinking and smoking and whoring around, they're the same person! Just like in those Batman stories. It's just Clark had the privilege of staying on a farm where he was loved and never moving into a brothel.

Fuck you, Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason. Fuck you forever.

While I seethe and fume and try not to break down into tears (again!), Superman flies over Hamilton County swinging his big red and blue dick. Everybody in Hamilton County looks up and thinks, "Sure have been a lot of Superman sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!" They might seem happy and content now but just wait until they're saying things like "Sure have been a lot of Doomsday sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!"

The Smiths are now the Kents because that's enough of that "these aren't the real Superman and Lois Lane" nonsense. Everything is now integrating nicely because DC Comics wrote a story that told readers to forget that they fucked up everything and please maybe allow them to return things to normal without saying too much about it, hanh? Mxyzptlk helped convince the world that Superman and Clark Kent weren't actually the same person so now it's okay for Clark Smith to take back the role. Plus he's been infused with New 52 Superman essence so he has a right to take back the Clark Kent life and bank account and 401k. Should I have used the word "infused"? Maybe I should have said "infected"?

A storm (or Black Dawn?!) is moving in so the Kents spend their time in the basement playing pool. That's one of my main memories from the first time I visited Kansas when I was like five years old. Everybody had these crazy elaborate furnished basements and most of them had a pool table. Apparently some slick salesman made his way through the Midwest convincing everybody that the best thing to do during a tornado was sink some balls in some corner pockets. Um, wink, wink!

Lois brings up what happened to them and how they're somehow composed of blue and red lightning now and Clark is all, "Shh! Shh! Things are better now. Don't question it." And Lois is all, "Fuck you, you patriarchal piece of shit! How dare you silence my voice simply because it's not convenient for you! I'm a fucking Pulitzer winner, you Pulitzerless Punk!"

Later that night, Batman and Robin decide to skulk around in Clark's barn making farting noises until Clark is forced to stop rubbing his erection on Lois's ass as she pretends to sleep because she is not in the mood to fuck a sexist motherfucker right now. Clark gets dressed in his Superman costume and heads out to the barn to find out why the richest man in Gotham is lurking in his cow's shit. Jon also suits up and sneaks out to see what's going on. He just hears that Batman is there to discuss Superboy when Lois grabs him by the ear. She came out to investigate why Clark's cock wasn't rubbing up against her ass anymore, especially since she was just about to give in because who can say no to that Kryptonian D (aside from Lex Luthor)?

I can still hate Pat and Pete forever while grudgingly appreciating the composition of this panel.

I'm still chuckling about Batman deciding to go up to talk to Superman and he doesn't phone or send a Justice League transmission or just have Alfred walk up and knock on the door to inform Clark that Bruce Wayne is waiting to speak with him in the back of the limousine. No, he decides to head to the farm and hide in the barn until Superman comes out to investigate. How can people say he isn't a great father? Damian must love this shit. In fact, Bruce is probably doing this to bond with his son. "Hey, what say we go hide in Superman's barn and see how long it takes him to figure out we're there?"

Lois invites everybody in to eat some pie but not before they hose off the cow shit all over them. Batman stubbornly refuses to look human by enjoying Lois's pie. Um, wink, wink!

Batman has just come up to check on Jon and his erratic superpowers. Clark, being the nice one of the two, doesn't ask if Damian has decapitated anybody lately. I mean, seriously, Batman. Take out the mole in your own eye before digging up Clark's pupils or whatever that Biblical saying is. I'm an atheist so I don't have to know it exactly.

After all the tests they've run on Jon, Batman's conclusion is that Jon just isn't living up to his potential. Batman thinks he should be more powerful by now. I bet Batman's answer is to jump-start Jon's puberty. How about we get a prostitute in here, stat?!

Batman decides something in the environment is keeping Jon from reaching his full potential. He decides to investigate the Cobb Family Dairy Farm. He probably thinks that the thing holding Jon back is being put into the milk by Old Man Cobb. But I bet he finds out the thing holding Jon back is Young Woman Cobb! Jon is probably subconsciously frightened of pulling a Goldie on his best friend, so he's repressing his powers. Also he's hoping to kiss her and doesn't want to blow her brains out the back of her head when the excitement of his first kisses causes him to lose control of his heat vision.

Batman sneaks into another barn (Bessie, the prize winning cow's barn this time!) to test Bessie's milk. When he adds his Bat Testing Liquid to the milk, it freaks out and turns into that stuff that Spider-Man's black costume was made of and/or some kind of Swamp Thing crap. The black stuff engulfs Batman as Old Man Cobb wanders in and says, "Oh ho! Another trouble-maker! I'll put him with the rest of them!"

Oh no! A mystery! And of course Batman's gut instincts were correct. That's just what Batman needs: more confirmation that anything he believes may as well be proven fact.

The Ranking!
+2! I hate to award animal murdering psychopaths but I have to admit when a comic book is shining a light on how DC Comics should be writing comic books. This comic book exemplifies what the DC Universe should be (aside from all the pet murder). Batman skulking with Robin in Superman's barn is the best Batman.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Justice League #18

The Tempus on the bottom looks like he's whispering "I'm going to put my dick in your blowhole now" to Aquaman.

Last Thursday, I went to Karaoke. I sang "East Bound and Down" by Jerry Reed (which I've been singing before the season of Archer where what's-her-name becomes a famous country singer) and "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy Osbourne and "Can I Play With Madness?" by Iron Maiden and "Our House" by Madness and Be My Lover by Alice Cooper. It was probably my most successful night of Karaoke ever because I stuck to songs that I know really well. Except maybe "Our House" because there's that bit that's kind of fast that I don't know well.

I just wanted to remember a recent good moment in my life before I wade into the misery of another Bryan Hitch Justice League story. These are pretty terrible. I would go on to describe how terrible the stories are in a way that would eventually get back to Bryan Hitch so that he'll hate me without ever having read any of my terrific reviews but I just learned that it's Easter tradition to yell "Whore!" when you find the hidden Easter eggs full of chocolate in honor of the church's ignorant depiction of Mary Magdalene. I'm willing to believe that tradition is true without doing any further research. I'm also willing to incorporate it into my atheist Easter tradition of buying all the Easter candy on sale while everybody else is at church and eating it until I puke all over the plastic grass in my Easter basket.

Currently in this terrible story, the Giant Baby Man Being known as Tempus has decided Earth needs to be put on timeout. He's moving it to the far end of the universe on the other side of time so that its constant reboots and zero hours and infinite crises won't fuck with the rest of the universe. But Superman is all, "No way! You can't stop us! Even if we're accidentally ruining everybody else, you have to allow us the freedom to choose to ruin everybody else's life!" At that moment, all of the villains Superman has put in the Phantom Zone yell "Hypocrite!"

The one thing Superman and Batman have in common (aside from having fucked Big Barda) is that they're the only ones who know what is right. So if somebody disagrees with one of them, that somebody is obviously a villainous villain. It's why Superman and Batman fight so often. Tempus is just trying to do the right thing for the rest of the universe. But Superman doesn't agree so Tempus must be stopped. And apparently the readers are simply supposed to agree with Superman no matter how dumb the plot is. Well, I refuse to be a part of this nonsense! I'm putting my foot down right now and declaring Superman is wrong! Earth-New-Earth is a plague on the DC Universe and somebody needs to shut it the fuck down.

That's a handy excuse to get around writing a decent Superman!

Tempus cranks up the red sun thermostat to keep Superman manageable. How come Doctor Veritas hasn't created a red to yellow energy converter for Superman yet? She's an omniologist, after all. She could figure it out. It would probably be as simple as making a suit that acts like a prism, shifting the color of the light as it reaches his skin. I doubt that makes any real science sense but it makes absolute comic book science sense! Somebody get working on that!

While Superman angrily throws fists and does nothing to help anybody but his own sense of self, Batman is working on solving the problem with the time travelers of the Infinity Corporation. They explain how they need to stop the timeline from being shifted and Batman is all, "And we probably need all the stock market reports of from 2017 to 2027, right? You might not see how that will help but I assure you, I've got a plan!"

In the "present," Molly the Time Keeper says the dumbest thing you can say in a time travel story.

I guess the clock in San Dimas is always running!

Last issue, Bryan Hitch devoted a page or two to each of the other Justice League members scattered through time trying to disarm time bombs. But since they really don't matter that much to this story, he reduces their appearances to one panel each to their fight. Just enough so the reader remembers they're there and can't whine, "But I bought a Justice League comic book, not a Batman Loves Superman comic book!" Eventually they get another panel but it's just to show that their fights didn't matter because as soon as Superman and Batman knock out some of Tempus's computer equipment in the future, the Timeless fall unconscious all across time. Wonder Woman, Flash, Cyborg, and the Green Lanterns are all, "What happened?" Aquaman screams, "I did it! Hooray for Aquaman! Champeen of the Seven Seas and now All of Time!"

Once all of the time bombs are defused, Molly the Time Keeper turns into Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time. She declares she will kill all of the super heroes now to keep Earth safe! So I guess Superman was right! The Justice League have to stop both Tempus and Molly! Who could have guessed? I mean, aside from everybody who has read every single Bryan Hitch story since he's been writing the Justice League for DC Comics. They all come down to a big cosmic fight with the Justice League caught up in the middle. And instead of choosing a side without any research or references like most heroes usually do, the Justice League just kick ass on both sides of the fight and shut it all down. And it's always the right choice! Because they're the Justice League!

Of course this time, most of the Justice League was wrong and helped Molly. Although it isn't like they had much choice. If they didn't help Molly to stop Tempus, Tempus would have put Earth on timeout forever. But now that they helped Molly become Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time, they're just going to have to turn on her and stop her.

You can tell she's evil now because she's showing so much more skin.

The Ranking!
No change! What a surprise twist! The person that was supposed to be good turned out to be bad! Just like Rao! And the World Singers! And that girl's AI program! Okay, maybe not so much that one. But kind of, if you squint hard enough! Bryan Hitch really only knows one story, doesn't he? "Somebody is here to save the world! No wait! They want to destroy the world! Oh no!"

Batman #20

I am a pain in the ass.

I wonder if Tom King told DC Comics that if he were given Batman to write, he would be reducing every piece of dialogue to first person declarative statements?

Commissioner Gordon: "I am Commissioner Gordon!"
Batman: "I am Batman!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am the law!"
Batman: "I am calling my lawyer who also is the law and represents Judge Dredd!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am rescinding my earlier statement!"
Batman: "I am on hold with my lawyer's office! I am listening to the greatest hold music ever!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am beginning to suspect that my daughter is Batgirl!"
Batman: "I am not winking under the cowl!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I suspect Gotham would be safer without you!"
Batman: "I am going to cry!"

Recently, Batman pissed off Bane. It couldn't be helped for plot related reasons. But since Batman knows he can't beat Bane without calling up Jean-Paul Valley for help and since Batman didn't want that creep sharing space in the main Batman comic book, Batman decided to pull a Reverse Knightfall on Bane. That's not as sexy as you might think and definitely has less dicks in buttholes than you're picturing in your sexy mind. A Reverse Knightfall is where Batman makes Bane fight all of the Arkham inmates before Batman beats the living shit out of Bane and cripples him until DC Comics decides Crippled Bane isn't interesting enough to sell more comic books and declares that he's much better now.

Too bad for Batman, Bane isn't exhausted after fighting Arkham inmates all night because he's taking Venom. Bane is all, "I am the end!" And Batman is all, "I am still here!" But picture that more dramatically and with lots of fish lips since David Finch is drawing it. Plus David Finch already managed to get a double splash page in! Of couse it was of the scene from Issue #1 where Batman is riding on the back of a crashing plane. I wonder if that double splash page had already been drawn but hadn't been used for the first issue and Finch asked Tom King, "Hey, Tom? I spent an awful lot of time drawing this picture and you guys cut it from the first issue because you didn't want to waste two pages on it. But since I put effort into it (and believe me, it was effort! I couldn't figure out how to add a naked lady to it so it was miserable work), can you write it into a future issue? It would really help and Meredith would appreciate not having to hear me moan about it."

While Bane and Batman fight, somebody who calls Batman "boy" retells the "I am Gotham" and "I am Suicide" and "I Am Bane" stories to Batman (which is weird that the story that's currently happening is part of the recollection). But he does it in that "You might have missed the point of the story the first time around, and that would be a shame, so here is what it meant!" kind of way. As if I haven't been paying attention! I might be okay with you patronizing other comic book readers, Tom King, but try to remember that I'm reading your comic books too! Maybe try to assume that all of your comic book readers are as astute and sexually experienced as I am! That was a Tom Kingian first person declarative statement with an M. Night Shyamalan twist!

I'm too lazy to scan pictures right now so pretend you're looking at a picture of Bane punching Batman in the face. Picture it in David Finch's art which is that kind of art that comic book companies think is the best art out there although it's got so many little flaws that it bugs the fucking shit out of me. Why does DC Comics think David Finch, Tony S. Daniel, John Romita Jr, and Jim Lee are the greatest comic book artists of the age? They're all fucking terrible, what with the fish mouths and the women who all look fifteen and the angular shaped everythings and the lines, the lines, the goddamned fucking lines scribbled all over everything!

Apparently the voice retelling Issues #1 through #19 is that of Bruce's mother. I guess that means Batman is close to death. I hear that's what happens when you're dying. You hallucinate the voices of people you know and then pretend you see heaven and then you stop existing forever. Unless you're a comic book character.

And since Batman is a comic book character, he's allowed to be pushed right to the brink of death, beaten, dying, bleeding out...and to suddenly rise up as strong as ever by simply declaring "I am Batman!" and believing in himself and his city and his poor orphaned Gotham Girl! Heroes can never beat the villain when the hero is at full strength. That would be silly. The hero has to be nearly dead to finally remember that they can beat the bad guy. Then when they're nearly dying, they find the strength and wherewithal that they couldn't find at the beginning when they were absolutely healthy and at peak performance.

Rope a dope this, motherfucker!

That's all it takes for Batman to defeat Bane! All Batman needed to do was get his ass beaten by Bane for fifteen pages and right when Bane was about to destroy Batman for good, Batman times a single headbutt to knock him out and win the day. I guess that makes sense. Bane tired himself out by beating Batman to a bloody pulp so Batman still has his, um, lung capacity? No wait. A rib pierced his lungs so he doesn't even have that advantage. Um, he still has his, um, moxy? Why am I even questioning it?! I already explained that that's how comic books work. Besides, he's the Jeezly Crow Batman! Of course he didn't die even though he apparently prepares to die every time he goes into a fight. I guess that's why he wins? Because, in his own mind, he's already dead?

The issue ends with Batman hallucinating a final confrontation with his mother, his greatest enemy. He finally defeats her by realizing she's proud of him even if his survivor's guilt sometimes doesn't let him believe it. He acknowledges that he isn't simply fighting this war because he's a little boy who made a promise because he was sad that his parents died. He acknowledges that he fights for other people. What a revelation! Batman cares about people more than he cares about himself!

That probably sounded sarcastic because it was intended to be sarcastic. The only problem is that lots of writers do write Batman as if he doesn't give a shit about anything but his mission. So on one hand, I'm annoyed at the need for this definitive statement on Batman. And on the other hand, I'm still annoyed! Anyway, here you go! This final issue of the "I Am Bane" story arc should probably be subtitled "I am Batman." Or, since this was a reflection on the first twenty issues of the comic book, it's kind of a way to say the first twenty issues were a collected story called "I Am Batman."

The Ranking!
No change! I get it! Batman cares! Maybe just show that he cares more often in little ways so writers don't have to shout it with big stories every so often so that they can go back to the easy stories with grim Batman's obsessive war on crime!

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Deathstork #16

I am not Shooping this cover so just pretend it reads "Deathstork".

The Review!
Deathstork has gone blind so now his name is Twilight and he kills people with the help of his guide sidekick, Roscoe. Currently he's battling a guy named Deadline so if you had "Eventually somebody will come up with a stupider name than Deadpool" on your superhero pool at work, you still haven't won anything. Let's face it. Deadpool is a dumb name derived from Deathstork. At least Deadline makes it sound like "Oh! I've taken out a contract to kill a person so now that person's life is running on a deadline! And that deadline is my gun! KERPOW!" I guess Deadpool is called Deadpool because there was that Clint Eastwood film a few years earlier and it was probably on television when Rob Liefeld was thinking, "What should I give the name of my Marvel version of Deathstork?"

Although Deadline might beat out Deadpool for stupidest idea ever because Deadpool eventually found a niche in the superhero world that made him popular and Deadline has a weapon called an Infinity Rifle. It uses alien isotopes to create static disruptive shells around its targets. That sounds cool!

The new Power Girl has a fake boob window and it's making me angry. She also has an illusory underboob awning! That's making me less angry and more the other thing. You know, the emotion that powers the Violet Lanterns except more sexy.

Well, now she has a belly window!

See what kind of damage the Infinity Rifle does? Pretty awesome, right?! It could probably kill Superman. Why didn't Lex Luthor think up this weapon?

In the B-story line, Rose finds out that her Hmong family are all actors paid for by Slade from Etienne, the woman Joseph is about to kill. I mean marry. He's already fucked her. Also I think he probably will kill her after marrying her when he finds out she's been fucking his father. That story doesn't have any blood in it yet so let's go back to the story where Deadline is about to get his hand cut off and then mauled by Roscoe.

Deadline has all sorts of special powers which he received from his encounter with an alien race. I bet it was just government agents in stupid costumes fucking with him. He also explains his moniker. If he doesn't kill a person by the guaranteed deadline, the kill is free. So why didn't he call himself Domino's?

Deadline's alien tech allows him to phase through solid objects. He likes to kill people by phasing a hand into their chest and going solid. Although that probably hurts his hand too so he usually just relies on the Infinity Rifle. As you saw, that makes a pretty good mess of even people with invulnerability.

Do you think Power Girl is actually dead? It would be interesting if DC allowed her to die in this series. It's not like she was being interesting in any other comic book, even the ones she was appearing in.

Darn it. She's still alive.

The Ranking!
No change! I wasn't paying particularly close attention to this issue. That'll happen, life being what it is.

Nightwing #18

This was the theme of my high school prom.

The Review!
Are you a person who likes clever things like art and waffles? If you are then you should read the first panel of Nightwing #18!


Some of you might be thinking, "I don't get it!" If you are, don't worry. You just aren't the type of person who likes clever things! Or you might be one of those people who thinks they get it which is just tragic. Because then you're thinking, "Oh yeah! I appreciate art and the character is including me in the comment about being here and appreciating art! I know that sometimes situations exist where you can use the word 'meta' and seem super intelligent and in the know!" Sure, that's part of it, I suppose! But if you thought that then you're not actually the type who appreciates art in the way the character (and thus Tim Seeley) is claiming you appreciate art which is why you've chosen to read his Nightwing book (and hopefully ignored his Lost Boys book because if you appreciate art, you probably threw up reading that and thought, "Where is the art?! That is a reference to the old Wendy's commercial. Meta! I think?"). But if you remembered that this issue is about Professor Pyg who loves artistic transformations and is about to transform an artist into art through arty artistry, you might have noticed how clever the Location Blurb was being (even though it didn't mention waffles). Even places can be transformed! It's even cleverer if you know what sanglier means! I don't!

If Professor Pyg is so into transformation, why did he base his whole look on pigs? Is it simply because he's obsessed with Pygmalion? That seems like a stretch! He should be Professor Butterfly! I guess that's too on the nose for a Grant Morrison character and also not as disturbing as a pig-faced guy and also maybe a bit suggestive of coming out of the closet. Grant probably figured that would take the character into places he'd already discussed in Doom Patrol. This guy is supposed to be disturbing and what's more disturbing than pigs?! Don't start shouting out logical answers to that question at me! It was rhetorical and steeped in personal bias! Pigs are gross!

Who else wants a waffle now?

If you're a person who likes clever things like art and wine, you should probably keep reading past the first panel because Professor Pyg goes into an analogy about how art is like wine but also like being pregnant which makes a lot of sense because babies totally act like they're drunk. His main point is that to get the best art out of an artist, you have to gut them when they're young. But Dick and Damian arrive and they make a "This Little Piggy" joke although I'd rather believe it was meant to be a Deliverance joke that was censored. In other words, Dick and Damian are going to "rape" Professor Pyg. I put rape in quotes because I meant it in the way twelve year old boys use it on me while playing Call of Duty. Apparently I've been raped on a nearly constant basis since I began playing Xbox online. No wait. Make that "attempted raped" because those twelve year old boys never know what hit them after I'm through with them! I'm not saying I rape them. That's disgusting and vile. I just carefully pull down their dirty twelve year old panties and spank their sweaty bottoms until they're asking for more and I'm all, "Wait a second. I just remembered I'm not in NAMBLA. I should think up a better analogy for destroying kids at video games that isn't suggestive of some kind of sexual assault."

Professor Pyg has some more commentary on art and artists. Maybe he should change his name to Professor Navel-Gazing.

While Damian and Dick fight Pyg to save Shawn, Dollotron Robin and Dollotron Deathwing discuss the pros and cons of becoming a Dollotron. You might be asking what kind of pros could there possibly be in becoming a Dollotron? Well, I can think of one pro: Lots of cons to discuss! Anyway, the discussion ends the way most debates end: one side strangles the other side. In this case, Deathwing is the winner.

Nightwing saves Shawn but twists his ankle so he can only lie on the ground blubbering while Robin rushes off to stop Deathwing stealing the Batmobile. But that's just a bit of performance art to lure Robin out alone so that Deathwing and his friend can shoot him in the back of the head! Or maybe just the back. Probably some place non-fatal since the Death of Damian Wayne was a story that was already told and I'll be angry if DC tries to make me pay to read it again.

Deathwing's friend (somebody Robin recognizes but isn't shown (at least not yet! Maybe the reveal will be on the final page. I hope it's Lord Death Man! Or Egghead!)) claims that Robin will die at dawn because that's the only way to get Dick Grayson to reach his true potential. Who would want Dick to achieve his true potential? The real bad guy must be Batman!

When Dick realizes Damian is missing, he threatens Pyg and Pyg cracks immediately. He reveals the true patron of the Make Dick Grayson Great Again project was Dr. Simon Hurt. I suppose I should have known that from when he said, "Robin Dies At Dawn!" That was more of that clever stuff Tim Seeley thinks is so cool.

The Ranking!
No change! You know, I really do need to go back and read Grant Morrison's Preboot Batman stuff.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Shade the Changing Girl #7

Welcome Marge Sausage! At least now this comic book I don't really understand will look good!

The Review!
I read this comic book. Now I have acknowledged reading this comic book in a public space. I'm not sure I'm going to continue reading this comic book. It feels like it's trying to identify with young people but it doesn't dare say anything more than "We are all alone and desperately trying to survive a social landscape we had no say in but now must deal with to the best of our ability!" I might be giving it too much credit. It might just be trying to identify with young people in vague and shallow ways that don't really matter in the existential nightmare of our reality. Things like young people being mean to each other. And things like young people being attracted to other young people in expected and unexpected ways. And young people conflicting with parents and other adult authority figures. And young people betraying each other's trust due to social pressures and naive innocence. I suppose those things matter but they'll only matter for a short time. Eventually you get old enough to just keep the few friends who are entertaining and not particularly needy so that you can sink into the indulgence of all of your own personal desires. In other words, just like the end of this issue, you run from the school dance saying "Fuck this shit."

The Ranking!
No change!

The Flintstones #10

Pebbles vibrator died.

Here is a thing I just typed into a messenger app to my friend Doom Bunny: "The Flintstones comic book is my favorite current comic book. That is a thing I just typed and meant." I had to reiterate that I actually meant the thing I said because it's ridiculous to think that The Flintstones would wind up being my favorite comic book. Although the more I read this comic book, the more I'm projecting this comic book's attitude and humor backward in time onto the cartoon. I'm actually beginning to think, "Was the cartoon this incisive?" The answer to that is probably no since the first memory of the cartoon that springs to mind is when Fred and Barney bought a boat. Fred wanted to name it the Nautical Princess and Barney wanted to name it the Queen of the Seas. They decided to compromise and named it the Nau-seas. That's the kind of ham-handed comedy I remember from the show! Also I might have gotten some of the facts wrong about the scene. I have no idea what Barney and Fred's names were but I remember the Nautical part and the Seas part because it led to the hilariously named boat joke! Of course now when people mention jokes about boat names, everybody with a lick of a sense of humor thinks of Arrested Development. It makes me laugh whenever I think about them talking about the Seaward and Lucille saying, "I know you're talking about me." Imagine if The Flintstones had come up with that! Instead, they just have a scene where Barney and Fred dress up like a dinosaur in a two man costume and Barney, giggling like crazy in the back half of the suit, tells Fred to make sure Dino knows Barney is in the costume as well so that Dino doesn't get any funny ideas! You know the kinds of ideas dogs (and dog dinosaurs) think are funny! The kind where they hump things without any consent.

I just rewatched the original opening of The Flintstones (the one without the song with lyrics) and was completely floored that The Simpsons must have been riffing on that. So already, I'm buying into the idea that The Flintstones was far more clever than I remember the show being! It makes sense being that The Flintstones was The Simpsons of its time. A prime time cartoon that satirizes the modern family life. I bet even the jokes that I roll my eyes at while watching The Flintstones were fresh when they were used on the show. It's just that I've heard them repeated so often in so many other derivative comedies that they now seem ham-handed.

That's almost the exact question I ask when I buy new technology! Just replace the "or" with an "and"!

The news doesn't focus on the advent of movies for long because they have to get in some warmongering. They continue to portray the Lizard People as dangerous adversaries intent on threatening the safety of Bedrock! The new mayor, Clod the Destroyer, has vowed to destroy them. I wonder if Fox News viewers would understand the satire in this comic book or if they'd be seething right now about those Goddamned Lizard People?

After Clod fails to genocide the Lizard People because they heard him coming and skedaddled, Fred and Barney sneak off to see a pornographic movie. It also might just be an art film since Barney describes it as "women baring themselves." It's possible it's also just a film about women baring their souls and not their breasts. My guess is it's that last one since the movie is called Shale Magnolias. While Fred and Barney pre-masturbate furiously to women crying about their relationships with other women hoping that one of them will suddenly take off their top, Werner Herzrock discovers Wilma's paintings in the trash at the local art gallery. He decides to interview her for the job of art director on his new film. I bet the film has lots of earnest narration about the nature of existence!

There was a bit just before this that was a rousing speech about the ultimate inability of the artist to communicate effectively which spoke less to me than this.

Late at night, the vacuum cleaner has been sneaking out to watch movies at the local theater. On one of those nights, he's forced to vacuum the movie theater floor. Gross! Men have been masturbating in there!

I guess it's not a big surprise then that vacuum cleaner dies. The appliances have a wake that's all feelings and more feelings and things being said that the writer was probably pretty proud of and which I'm totally glossing over because it didn't contain any fart jokes.

The other stories partially resolve themselves as well and other stuff and things. You might be thinking, "What kind of a shitty review is this?" Well, it's the kind of shitty review that can't say anything that would be better than actually reading this comic book. I critique comic books because they're usually vapid and silly and inconsequential pieces of cultural fluff! I never expected to have to say intelligent things about intelligent observations made in intelligent plots that already critique and satirize the world in which we live. How am I supposed to add to that without feeling like a fucking asshole?

The Review!
+1! Just go fucking read this series, dumby.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Booster Gold Loves The Flintstones #1

If Prehistoric Man had any concern with animal rights, they never would have had any scientific advancements. At least according to The Flintstones which is, like, history and shit.

I don't know how many people consider these Hanna-Barbera crossovers canon. Everybody should. There's no way I can respect you if you don't now think the Banana Splits went on a mission with the Suicide Squad or that Green Lantern and Space Ghost had gay sex on the planet Krikkit or that a talking dog gave a rimjob to a talking cat. And now Mark Russell gets to write an in-continuity story about Booster Gold traveling back to The Flintstones era? If you don't have a woman boner or a male whatever happens to women when they get a boner thing happening about this comic book, you can't be my friend. You also can't be my friend on just a more reasonable level like how I probably couldn't stand listening to you. If you don't mind me saying everything and you just shut up and laugh at all the right places, it's possible we can be friends. But you also can't smell weird or look me in the eyes.

This issue begins with Booster asking Skeets if he looks sexy. I always knew Skeets had a slot for a penis! I used to tell my friends in junior high, "He's fucking that flying robot, you know!" Booster Gold is in his apartment that is either outside linear time or at Vanishing Point (which is also outside of linear time but more upscale than just "a ratty studio apartment in any buttfuck place outside linear time"). Inside his room, he has a Dodo bird as a pet and he stores all of his valuables in the Ark of the Covenant. Booster Gold might be my hero. He's got no time for your shitty time paradox theories!

Oh, apparently he lives in New New Newest Gotham in the year 2472. I bet Batman is still alive.

In 2472, Gary Gygax is considered a god and you can get a McTalon Burger at the local Food Court of Owls.

While Booster is on his date with Amy, an army of Chupacabra riding space scooters while setting people on fire with laser beams descend on the city.

The Chupacabra are apparently space aliens and not Chupacabra which they most definitely are. I suppose it doesn't matter since conspiracy theories can account for any eventuality. Obviously Chupacabra are just space aliens and not cryptoids! Anyway, Booster accesses his time computer to find that these aliens first visited Earth in the year 20,000 BC in the town of Bedrock. So that's where he goes to solve the problem! I guess he's going to find their leader and suggest that they not come back 24 thousand years in the future?

I don't know. Any noticeable bodily function that lasts that long would concern me.

Booster Gold arrives in the past right on top of the alien, cutting it in half. Well, I guess that's why they invade 24 thousand years later! That's actually a pretty fast response time in galactic times and distances.

Booster Gold's Time Sphere is ruined in the encounter so he needs some help getting it fixed. Luckily, he's met up with Fred and Barney! They always have a scheme up their butts!

Moments like these are why I love Russell's writing so much.

With the help of some of Barney's science-know-how (otherwise known as animal abuse), Booster's Time Machine's Chrono CB Radio begins working. He puts the call out for help and the only person who responds and doesn't immediately die afterward is Alfred Pennyworth from 1966. Batman has a fourth dimensional radio transceiver because why not? Luckily Alfred in 1966 knows Booster Gold for some reason. That reason was mentioned earlier where Booster Gold gives no fucks about time paradoxes.

Booster is an idiot! Due to having such a small amount in his account, Booster will undoubtedly have to pay for that savings account! The payment will be taken out of the account and subsequently begin costing him insufficient funds penalties and fees! He's going to owe the bank billions when he gets home (because the bank will never just close the account since it costs them nothing to keep it open. Banks are assholes).

Booster Gold, Barney Rubble, and Fred Flintstone are out of luck getting help from other time travelers. So they're just going to have to figure out how to power the time machine themselves. I bet five billion vacuum cleaners could do the trick.

Instead of enslaved animals, the trio use the Chupacabra's spacecraft to power Booster Gold's time sphere. While it's charging, Skeets discovers that Booster Gold caused the invasion (that's probably why he doesn't give a fuck about time paradoxes. There are none! Everything just happens the way they happened and no time traveler can change it because they made it that way when they tried to change it in the first place!). Booster doesn't really care because he just wants to get back in the future to fuck Amy. But there's an error in the calculations and a huge chunk of Bedrock goes into the future with him.

Anyway, everything eventually works out in the end and Booster Gold's bank account has 3.8 billion dollars in it. I guess banks in the 1960s weren't such huge douchebags as banks are now. I blame Reagan.

The back-up story is a Jetsons story by Jimmy and Amanda. So it'll be full of sexy innuendos!

It doesn't have any sexual innuendo at all! Unless I'm supposed to believe that George Jetson eventually fucks the robot housing his mother's personality! Yeah, I can do that.

Anyway, the story is basically one of the episodes of Black Mirror.

The Ranking!
I don't rank these! But anything by Mark Russell is worth reading. The end!

Green Lantern Loves Space Ghost #1

I hope this stars the talk show version of Space Ghost.

James Tynion IV is writing this issue so I bet it's more serious than it ought to be and it'll probably be full of comic book tropes and Space Ghost will come out as bisexual.

The issue begins with a planet in some serious trouble. You know the kind of trouble planets get into in Green Lantern comic books! It's always serious and hardly ever humorous and wacky. Just once I'd like to read about a planet full of sentient penises having to deal with sentient vagina missionaries hellbent on getting the penises to worship their vaginal god. I mean, okay, fine. That's probably a metaphor for a lot of comic books. But I don't want to read it as metaphor! I want to look at pictures of talking vaginas!

So the weapon is a pen? Is that the big Twilight Zone twist? "He's got the only pen on this world and he's writing lies about us! Future generation will read those lies and think we were all jerks! And we can't get the pen away from him because he's locked himself in the bathroom! And we can't get the door off the hinges because the door swings inward! And we can't pick the lock because our greatest technological advancement (aside from the one really sweet pen!) was perfecting the unpickable bathroom door lock! We're doomed!"

I love to toot my own horn so let me say I probably just wrote a better story than whatever Tynion IV came up with.

I just got to the page with the credits and I want to apologize to Christopher Sebela for not including him in my critique of the writing. I'm sure you've added nothing to this story that James Tynion IV didn't say, "I was already thinking of adding that! I know Scott Snyder!"

I should really meet some of these writers before caricaturing them. Although I feel like I probably nailed Tynion IV. It's just too bad you can't hear, through the written text, the grating, whining voice I gave him.

The first few pages are used to establish that the call for help is coming from a place outside of the known DC Universe. Page one is all, "We don't know where we are!" Page two is all, "I'm Hal Jordan and this is a new space and time dimension that I'd like to enjoy!" Page three is all, "I'm Salaak and I'm reminding you that this distress call is coming from uncharted space that we've never explored because it's outside our universe or even further!" Hopefully that's all the reminders this comic book gives us because even I'm not so stupid that I didn't get the message after rereading it all three times because I was sort of confused about where the message was coming from.

Now that the location has been established, it's time for some action! Larfleeze makes an appearance, as does Space Ghost and Zorak. How did this comic book get so exciting so quickly?! Was it written by geniuses?!

James and Christopher should take that last paragraph as a compliment because it's the nicest thing I'm bound to write today.

Especially if I have to wade through twenty pages of dialogue like this.

Although I wouldn't mind more art like this:

Is this the first time Green Lantern has made a light construct butt plug?

Green Lantern and Space Ghost crash on a planet outside of the known universe (yes, it's mentioned again). It's a planet full of either Robocops, Transformers, or Sentient AT-STs. It might also be a Battletech crossover but since the cover didn't mention Battletech in an effort to get the huge Battletech audience to pick up the comic book, I remain doubtful of that conclusion.

The alien Hal winds up talking to (a regular humanoid alien because the robots are apparently just weaponized vehicles) tells his story and it sounds suspiciously like the plot of Life, The Universe, and Everything. Apparently Green Lantern and Space Ghost have crash landed on Krikkit. I could explain in greater detail but if you aren't familiar with The Hitchhiker series, why would I coddle you and your choice to remain ignorant of something so enjoyable? Although, to be fair and objective and other complimentary things that perhaps aren't completely true of me, Life, The Universe, and Everything was the worst book of the bunch.

The Perterrans attack Hal because they can't have any evidence showing up on their planet that suggests there is more to the Perterran universe than simply Perterran.

I would have chosen Amanda Waller. But I guess that might be construed as racist or sexist or fattist.

Does anybody need to know my opinion on United Airlines and their behavior this week? No? You all know exactly what I would say already? Good. Thank you for paying attention so I can spend less time writing.

Hal gets away so that he and Space Ghost can have a battle. Remember that thing I said about James Tynion IV relying on comic book tropes? Well, here we are with the good guys battling due to a misunderstanding! Only a few pages left before they realize the mistake and work together. I bet Christopher Sebela read the script and was all, "Maybe let's try something different?" And James Tynion IV was all, "Really?! You're going to question my writing! I did mention I know Scott Snyder, right?! Anyway, what do you think of all my great jokes?" And then Christopher was all, "There are jokes?"

The two heroes wind up knocking each other out just as some kid named Keila and her robot on a leash (named P.E.T. because of course it is) enter the scene. She takes them away so that they can learn that they're on the same side and also become part of the rebellion, probably.

So there's some stuff where everybody decides to get along so the plot can continue. Can we get some kind of Comic Book Consortium to set up official tropes so that comic book story space isn't wasted by them? So the first ten pages of this comic book could have been condensed into one panel that read "COMIC BOOK TROPE 1A." Then everybody goes, "Cool. Space Ghost and Green Lantern fought each other due to a misunderstanding and neither actually bested the other before they realized their mistake and began working together to find the real bad guy. Let's get to the story now!"

Oh no! This story isn't about a secluded planet cut off from the rest of the universe at all, is it?! It's a metaphor for human loneliness! NOOOOOOOO!

It turns out that this planet that speaks English (it must since Hal can understand the aliens without his ring) has only one major difference in their language: weapon means vehicle! They also have the word vehicle for vehicle which enables the alien to easily explain, "Weapon is our word for vehicle." Well, that sure will cause a lot of wacky mix-ups, right?! Green Lantern and Space Ghost probably wouldn't have shown up if they received a transmission that said, "We have a really powerful car and some guy wants to destroy it!"

Green Lantern and Space Ghost believe the crazy guy with the rocket ship who sent out the distress call. They decide to back his play to destroy the foundation of the entire culture of this world. That seems like the right thing to do. Truth is always better than stability! I mean, even if you believe that truth is better than stability, is it smart to trust the judgment of one guy? I suppose when the other side has already threatened to kill you, it's probably the best decision.

To make matters even more exciting, the military shows up to destroy everybody! It happens so quickly that Space Ghost and Green Lantern are given back boxes holding their ring and wrist bands but the little girl mixed up the boxes! And there's not time to switch! I can't believe I thought this comic book couldn't get wacky! Ha ha! Look at Space Ghost try to use the Green Lantern ring! Ho ho! Look at Hal Jordan try to use Space Ghost's whatevers!

They switch back pretty quickly but Hal Jordan discovers his ring is almost out of energy. Like always! How the fuck aren't Green Lanterns getting stranded on backwater planets constantly? Their rings always get critically low or run out of juice because that's the only way to make the fight tense (at least for unimaginative writers like Cullen Bunn and Cullen Bunn). It wouldn't be a problem if the Green Lanterns hadn't stopped using that Storage Locker Planet to keep their batteries nearby in interdimensional space.

In the end, Green Lantern and Space Ghost inspire the planet to rise up and believe in something greater than whatever they were already believing in. They inspired the Perterrans to not simply sit back and take it in the ass! What a great story! I'm so happy that people are around to inspire other people or else how will all those other people know that there are other ways to live their lives?! People who inspire are life-saving heroes!

I hate stories that glorify inspiration. Inspiration is what people who are too lazy to actually do shit do. It's the acceptance of advertising as the impetus that gets the world moving. "Without a charismatic person singing on a reality television show, how would any young people know that you can become a charismatic person lucky enough to get all the same breaks that that person did so that they could also become an inspiration to inspire people to become inspirations? It just wouldn't happen without inspiration! Nobody can ever be self-motivated or believe in themselves without first being told to believe in themselves! Fuck off!

The Ruff 'n' Reddy story is terrible. It's just a bunch of old jokes and stolen material shoved into a framing story of two comedians trying to find new partners whose last names will make a clever pun or saying. That's just an old Mitchell and Webb sketch! So even the framing story connecting the stolen material is stolen!

I'm sure the punchline has something to do with somebody putting their cock inside somebody else's ass. Ha ha.

A lot of the material in the Ruff 'n' Reddy story seems way bluer than I would expect DC to greenlight for a Teen Rated comic book. I guess because the filthy punchlines are either never actually mentioned or were deemed not quite explicit enough, DC Comics was okay with it. I certainly don't mind! I just think it's an odd decision. Especially since the main story is about how Space Ghost is good with kids and how people inspire children to grow up to change the world. I mean after feeling good about how little Keila grows up to become a space explorer, the reader is treated with jokes about chickens fucking eggs, cocks inside asses, and walruses raping seals? Way to go, DC!

Oh! There's also a violent depiction of a forced rimjob!

To be completely transparent, I was less upset about this as I was about the stolen Bill Hicks escalator joke! And by "less upset," I mean I masturbated to this.

The Ranking!
Overall, I'm almost sorry I purchased this comic book. At least I'll get a few more private moments with that rimjob pick. Ooh la la!