Sunday, January 24, 2016

Constantine the Hellblazer #8

This cover is aesthetically comforting.

Rating: +1 Ranking. At eight issues in, if you haven't realized that this version of Constantine is nearly just as good as the Vertigo version of Hellblazer and nothing like the shitty pale New 52 imitation Constantine then I'm now letting you know that you've missed eight issues of really fucking good Constantine stories. Did that make sense? Fuck it. Who cares. I'm not retyping a whole goddamned sentence simply because it might not be comprehensible! I'm dying here!

I mean, not that I'm dying of any impending disease or anything. I'm just dying in the way that we're all dying and every second of life is precious! So I'd rather be misunderstood than waste more time trying to get people to understand me! I know what I meant! I think. I mean, sometimes I confuse myself which seems odd because I only have one brain and you'd think that it would just understand itself without language or anything, right? Like, say, it obviously wants me to have sex with women because that's what The Bible says but then it's all, "Look at the cock outline in that guy's pants!" That's confusing, right?! Then I have to tell it, "Look, brain! Sexuality is a choice and we've chosen to be heterosexual because it's Jesus's favorite way of fucking! So stop picturing all of the cocks in your mouth."

That was all a lie. I just made up a lie because I want to be cool and you can't be cool being a white, cis-het, middle-aged male genius on Tumblr. Emphasis on the "big cock." I mean "genius." I lied again but I won't tell you what I just lied about because then you'd know my cock isn't that big.

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