Justice League #21

Death is really into studded leather friendship bracelets.

• This story is called "Endless" because I think Bryan Hitch has stumbled onto the greatest comic book writing idea. If you write a story that never ends, you never have to come up with another story! And if you base the story on an incident that will eventually be stopped due to time travel, the story automatically falls outside of continuity. Because if it ever ends (which it won't), it will be like it never happened at all! Holy fuck. The guy is more genius than I previously thought. Previously, I thought he was less than 0% genius. Of course, that means he has to keep this story going until somebody at DC says to another somebody at DC, "Hey. Have you seen what Bryan Hitch is doing to Justice League? Is anybody going to put a stop to that?"

• This comic is about an event that the Justice League will stop from ever happening. So nobody needs to read it. I only say that because it's a comic book. If this were a story in another medium, there would be a universal theme that lift the story above its mechanical parts. Or it would have characters learning something while the readers, emotionally invested in them, come out a little more thoughtful at the end. But being that it's a comic book, the story is only here to take up another month's worth of space and the characters never actually learn anything. It's not like the next story will feature a Flash who learned something profound from his experience and applied it to his life. No, The Flash from the last story is the same Flash as the one in this story who will be the same Flash as the one in the next story. Characters in comics rarely grow so their stories barely matter. So stories about stories that never actually happen matter even less than the normal stories which already exist as mere pop culture Styrofoam packing peanuts.

• I might seem a tad overly critical about a medium I spend a lot of time engaged with. But I like Styrofoam packing peanuts!

• The issue begins with a scene containing people who aren't the Justice League. It's the guy who will destroy everything with his Cosmic Jackhammer and his wife who is sleeping with his boss. Maybe that's how Flash will change time! He'll expose the affair and Mr. Cosmic Jackhammer won't be able to destroy the world because he's dead from having blown out his brains after smothering his wife and children in their sleep. That could be considered a win for the Justice League, right? Just one family ruined as opposed to all the families ruined?

See? Take her out of the equation and he loses all motivation! And maybe he doesn't murder them and kill himself! That's like a triple win!

• The Flash goes further back in time so that now he knows the Justice League caused the explosion by trying to stop the explosion. So now he can try a different tactic to save the world. This story isn't just Memento, it's also Groundhog's Day.

• Since The Flash has so much time at his hands (being that he keeps getting time travel do-overs), he decides to waste a bunch of it explaining what's going on to Batman. Batman is all, "Look at you! Time traveling without your Little Blue Pill!"

• Batman decides to team up with The Flash. Not because he knows The Flash can't solve the mystery without him but because he knows if there is any time travel going on, he wants to be a part of it. He's tired of being erased out of existence and replaced by new versions of himself as The Flash wanders higgledy-piggledy through time.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Okay, so I didn't know Mr. Cosmic Jackhammer already knew about the affair. But knowing there was an affair there at all was pretty perceptive, right?! I suppose I have to give it up to Bryan Hitch, for once, for making the not so subtle clues not so subtle!

• Batman, Flash, and Cyborg (who was roped in to hack all the computers and read all the emails) pursue the mystery and save the day. I mean, they'll probably save the day. This story is called "Endless," after all. So it probably has about infinity more parts to it. I'm just guessing at what the end might be if it could have one.

• In the end, Batman and Flash don't solve the mystery at all. The creature they thought was the bad guy was actually a good guy and the Cosmic Jackhammer was his Starheart. By stopping the supposed bad guy who was actually good, the Justice League almost destroyed the world. Why haven't they learned that, in a Bryan Hitch story, everybody who seems to be good isn't and everybody who seems to be bad isn't. At least they are and aren't right up until Hitch needs a shocking twist ending and they suddenly aren't and are. Or something.

• This was another Hitch story that was exactly the same. A regular person becomes bad due to the Justice League failing to save his family. Plus a character they thought was bad or good turned out to be the opposite of what the Justice League thought at the beginning. Those two stories are the only stories Bryan Hitch appears to be able to write.

• I don't know what the fuck the cover has to do with this story. But Batman does say at one point "Even the Reaper invasion." Is he referencing a story that was supposed to happen but never actually did? It must have been a time travel story and time was fixed before I got a chance to see the broken part of it. At least Batman remembers.

Justice League #20

All of the Batmen are just pretending to be dead.

The Review!
The last story was called "Timeless" and it felt like it was. This issue is called "Endless" so I've just killed myself.

Yeah, yeah. Get it all out of your system. "Suicide isn't funny, you asshole!" I know it isn't funny. But hyperbole when facing situations like having to read another Bryan Hitch Justice League story is funny! Just be thankful I didn't use the rape analogy that came to mind!

This story begins with The Flash leaning over a dying Jessica Cruz telling her not to die because he's going to get help. Here's a fun fact: he could have gotten help in the time it took him to tell her not to die! Instead he hangs around to hear her moan, "Barry? That you? Sorry, Barry. Sorr--." Read that bit from Jessica again but do it in the way a dying person would slowly drag it out. Now think to yourself, "If I were the fastest man in the world, why would I spend an eternity like that not getting help?" Now ask yourself this question: "Why did the comic book begin with this scene when it's obviously going to flashback to a day or two earlier when I turn the stupid page?" I can answer that one: "Bryan Hitch is a terrible writer!" If you don't like that answer, here's another one: "Brian Cunningham is a terrible editor!" Still not doing anything for you? One more: "Comic books are terrible and written for stupid people who have no ability to intelligently critique the way stories are told so they keep using this 'begin at a point in the story that hooks the reader before going back to the part of the story you deemed way too boring to keep the audience still feel you need to tell anyway' method of storytelling." The thing is, if you don't think beginning at the beginning is interesting enough, how about not going back to that part of the story? If you think you're being ballsy by beginning at the point where Jessica Cruz is dying, how about you keep telling the story from that point?

Hunh. When I turned the page, the story just kept continuing from this point. It's probably a fluke. It'll probably flashback any time now and just stay there. Until then, I guess I can pretend that Bryan Hitch has decided to do what almost no comic book writers ever do anymore. He's actually going to keep telling the story from the point he chose to start it!

Some guy in motocross gear is standing nearby with a Cosmic Jackhammer asking Flash why The Flash should live after The Flash killed "them." The Flash doesn't know what the guy is talking about but he does reveal he's a fan of South Park.

Totally inappropriate time to be quoting a cartoon, dude.

It's too bad I just scanned that picture because there's a wayward comma in the dialogue on the next page. Man, I would have really skewered Bryan Hitch in the caption of that one!

After the guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer, Barry flashes back to breakfast with Jessica. But in the flashback, he's all, "Wait. Didn't we already do this?" Then the cafe explodes in that way that cafes explode when somebody just outside of them begins using a Cosmic Jackhammer. The guy is still whinging on about his terrible life. "You killed her, killed them, took all I had away." Blah blah blah! Hopefully he's just insane and not another villain who became a villain because the Justice League failed to save the people he loved. I only mention that because Bryan Hitch has shown he's only capable of writing two stories. One story is where the Justice League believe a person is good and then find out the person is bad and have to stop them. The other story is how a bad person became bad because good guys didn't save his or her family personally. Sometimes both stories get combined into one story so it almost looks like Bryan Hitch knows how to write a third story.

Well, at least we know which story this is now.

It looks like Flash is going to have to Memento through this one as the Cosmic Jackhammer disrupts the way time flows around him. But I guess he's immune to it because of his link with the Speed Force giving him the ability to time travel. Now as the story plays backwards, it will give The Flash a chance to find out why this guy is so angry. Then he'll be able to stop the thing that caused this from happening and all of this will never have happened and Jessica won't die. Now that I've figure it out, can I stop reading it? Do I get a pass?

Barry winds up screaming at Jess to not die and lying to her about getting help. Then the angry guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer again and time reverses even further back in the story. It's a good thing time is flowing this way or else The Flash would never know how to deal with the conflict that needs to be dealt with in this plot. He's lucky he gets another chance at saving the woman he loves unlike that guy in Memento who can only manipulate events over and over again so that he feels some satisfaction in avenging the death of the woman he loved even though his ultimate goal is to save her life which he can't do. That's why he'll never fill that space on his chest with that tattoo declaring he did the thing he can't ever do.

When he finally gets far enough in the past, The Flash winds up warning the Justice League about this guy and his Cosmic Jackhammer. So they go to stop him and — guess what?! — they cause the disaster that kills his family by trying to stop the disaster that kills his family! Oh, time travel! What a capricious beast you are! Now how is The Flash going to stop this from happening?! Oh! I know! More time travel!

The Ranking!
-2! Here is a story that never needs to be told again: something happens that shouldn't have happened so somebody uses time travel to stop it from happening and succeeds so that the bad thing never actually happened. If you don't write that story, it's the same as having written that story. So please stop writing that story.

Justice League #14

Just fucking great. Bryan Hitch is back to writing.

• I'm getting really sick of these artists who want to be writers! DC Comics usually hires them as the writer/artist of a series, probably because they can save some money. But inevitably, the lazy bastard realizes the writing part is so much easier than the drawing part that they stop drawing. But then they never put any real effort into the writing. Writing isn't just about thinking up some wild cosmic fascist for Superman to punch in one of its faces! Writing takes time and effort and thought and consideration. Look at Warren Ellis's plan for Wildstorm! He's already three years down the road with that story. Of course, it's Warren Ellis and three years of monthly books will probably wind up being stretched over a decade.

• Some artists can write. But most artists can't write. They just do it because they want to draw what they want to draw. You'll also find when an artist writes what the artist is drawing, the story can become garbled and hard to follow. Just look at Tony S. Daniel's work in The New 52. There's no consistent pacing or flow to his stories from panel to panel. And I probably shouldn't point to Rob Liefeld as an example of an artist who writes terrible shit because he's not really much of an artist either. Burn!

• Dave Sim was an exceptional writer who was also an artist although he also became (or originally was?) mentally unhinged. Evidence? He stopped masturbating!

• Wendy Pini is an exceptional writer who is also an artist! I don't have anything bad to say about her or a joke to make at her expense because I owe a lot to her for my ability to feel anything at all.

• Terry Moore is an exceptional writer who is also an artist! I feel like maybe I'm using "exceptional" too much when maybe I should be using "quite competent but they're no Steinbeck!" No, no. I don't have to believe one medium is somehow objectively superior than another. It's not like I'm a rational human being who understands science and mathematics and how The Grapes of Wrath is more complex in so many ways than any comic book I've ever read (including Sandman!). I am that! But I'm also somebody who read Elfquest in junior high and it will probably forever mean more to me than any of the books on my top ten all time best works of literature list (that's constantly changing depending on my mood and what asshole asks that tired fucking question upon first meeting me because they think it will reveal some essential bit of who I am (I mean, it might! But they won't be smart enough to figure it out if they're asking that question!)).

• This issue begins with the Justice League trapped under rocks. For some reason, Jessica Cruz is there as well. I thought she quit? She's been in every issue since she quit. That doesn't seem like quitting. I've quit jobs before and I don't remember still going back afterward.

• But that was the first page and I forget that comic book writers (especially ones who are artists and not good at the writing part) often waste the first page with a moment from the middle of the story before returning to the absolute beginning of the story on the next page. Which is where they should have just fucking began in the first place. If you're going to start in the middle of the story, fucking have some guts and start in the motherfucking middle of the motherfucking story, you motherfuckers. Um, anyway, a half-moon, half-ship half-thing has appeared in Earth orbit. It's pretty huge so it's probably caused a lot of gravitational shifts in the orbit of the Earth and the moon and all life as we know it will probably be dead soon due to the Earth's shift. But nobody is concerned about that because it's science and this is a comic book. Fuck science! Also, what do I know about science? I read comic books! This is probably totally logical and okay. The object is just hundreds of times larger than the moon! Or just way closer. Maybe that wouldn't have any physical effect at all, right? I can't do the math on it!

• The Justice League head off to explore the new object!

These asshole Green Lanterns can make anything they can think of and they choose to make Batman, Aquaman, Cyborg, and Flash squat uncomfortably in bubbles? At least create some kind of space stagecoach, you lazy jerks.

• The object shoots a green laser out of the part of it that isn't anything like a Death Star at all. It blows the Justice League back into Earth and into a huge crater in the city. That probably means a few thousand people are dead which means a few thousand super-villains were just created due to the Justice League failing to save their loved ones.

• And just like that, we're back at where the comic book fake began, showing that opening the comic book in that way added nothing to the narrative. It's almost as if the fifth page was mistakenly printed as the first page. I suppose the first page was going to be wasted no matter what since Bryan Hitch obviously meant for the real story to begin with a double splash page. And most comic books never print any of the story on the inside cover.

Oh. So now Superman can be defeated by sticking him in a windowless room?

• Cyborg's GPS was obviously destroyed in the blast. "Twelve miles below Canada" is not an answer to "Where are we?" I mean, it's an answer, sure. But it's not a precise one and therefore meaningless to the spirit of Superman's query.

• Just before Cyborg was shot in the face by a Death Star, he managed to hack that Death Star and learn all about it while also shutting down its main gun. So now he can fill in the rest of the League on what they're up against. The space object is a laser drill that goes from star system to star system strip mining everything in the system. It's too bad they always begin with the third planet out from the sun or else maybe the Justice League would have had some warning that they were coming. Or maybe all the planets out past Earth have already been destroyed because nobody believed the astronomers when they were warning everybody. They were just all, "I don't want to believe that so shut up."

Of course it took down Flash! He was in a stupid green bubble with nowhere to run!

• Oh, excuse me. Some of my snark needs to be corrected. Apparently the strip mining planet also breaks down red suns. That means part of its caloric intake is based on red sun matter which obviously means that any energy created from red sun energy is practically lethal to Superman. It's just science!

• The Justice League treats the situation lightly, as if thousands of people weren't just killed in a huge blast from a space drill that's threatening to destroy the entire solar system. Maybe a little sense of urgency would be appropriate. This isn't Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League.

Shut the fuck up. You're always out of your depth.

• By the way, Aquaman looks like he's coming after being fucked in the ass in that panel. Don't ask me how I know that look and why I own such a large mirror that rests on the floor.

• It's times like this when I'm reading a comic book by Bryan Hitch that I think, "I really miss commenting on poorly written comic books!"

• As the team regroups (see the title! It's all about regrouping!), Jessica Cruz needs another fucking pep talk because she's so fucking fragile.

Apparently Cyborg was even less precise than I realized. They're twelve miles beneath Canada! That's, um, uh, a long fucking way down! That's deeper than the deepest part of the deepest ocean. Aquaman was being literal when he said he was out of his depth! And according to the quickest Internet search I could manage, the deepest hole ever dug was seven and a half miles deep. At that point, the temperature in the hole was 180°C! And yet the Justice League seems pretty comfortable in their hole. Maybe they really are just twelve miles below the Canadian border and The Flash, who was unconscious and probably concussed when Cyborg mentioned where they were.

• Simon mentions how he and Jessica need each other to charge their rings. I forgot about that. Maybe that's why Jessica hasn't been allowed to quit like she wanted to. Also, maybe that time she quit resolved differently than I remember since she's maintained membership with the League ever since.

• Being stuck in a hole while the world is on the brink of destruction gives the Justice League a moment to pause and reflect on their relationship as a team. They're all, "Do any of us belong here?" And then they're all, "Yeah! We do! Let's do it, guys! Save the cheerleader; save the world!"

• But before the group hug, Superman brings up that thing about how Batman keeps files on every member of the Justice League and little boxes with weapons that will allow him to defeat them all. They all act shocked at why Batman would feel the need to defeat them. Batman is all, "Hello? Eclipso?! I just fucking had to defeat you all, you judgmental assholes. And how many times has Superman been turned against us in just the last five years? Too many to count, really! I'm fucking saving the world here!"

• Also before the group hug, Superman has to point out that they need to think of him as the old Superman or Rebirth is never going to work. Forget that whole Preboot thing and the death of the other guy that was stupid but had to be done because New 52 Superman had way too many poorly written moments to keep him alive. They need to think of Preboot Superman as New 52 Superman but without all the times Scott Lobdell wrote him and without all the stories written by Greg Pak and without any of the stories written by Andy Diggle and...well, I'm sure there were others that told fucking stupid Superman stories which made him untenable.

• Now that they're all buddies again and trust each other implicitly forever and ever, it's time for Batman to come up with a plan.

No. You cannot use that as an example for defeating this real life threat!

• Look, we've all known for years growing up that the Death Star having that flaw made absolutely no fucking sense. Which is probably a good percentage of the reason why Rogue One was written! To explain that nonsense! Which it did fabulously! Rogue One was like the corrections section of a newspaper but instead of admitting to the mistakes and correcting them, it just told a new story that effortlessly weaves in some new perspectives to explain away a bunch of stupid bullshit that has always plagued the Star Wars fandom. It was the best piece of fan-fiction I've ever consumed. Although I didn't jerk off over it like most of the other pieces.

• What I'm pointing out is that Batman's reasoning is flawed. This space drill doesn't necessarily have to have a flaw or weakness in its design. The Death Star only had a flaw in its design because it was sabotaged! This thing might have been engineered by the third smartest man on whatever planet it originally came from.

• Batman's plan is to have the strong, invulnerable members of the team punch the big gun while the others Boom Tube inside and punch the people controlling the gun. That sounds less like finding the space drill's weakness and more like just punching it into submission.

This is how terrible writers resolve conflicts. It's also how all writers utilize stupid Aquaman.

• Superman comes up with a better plan that's a bit destructive considering there are sentient beings aboard this laser drill. He's going to get the "world-breaking sphere" to shove up the "exhaust port" of the "laser drill." I got carried away with the quotes.

• I wonder why Superman didn't decide to just put it in the Phantom Zone along with everything else he puts in the Phantom Zone?

• The last page just shows that the Justice League won because this story was about them regrouping and not about them fighting. I hope the next issue follows the race aboard the space drill and how they float off to die now that they don't have the ability to gather resources to sustain their people. Superman couldn't have gone aboard to speak with them after destroying their drill? Maybe point out that they shouldn't strip mine inhabited planets? Or maybe any planets? Maybe they could come up with a more responsible way to get their energy needs? Maybe something renewable and more sustainable? I don't think Bryan Hitch meant for this issue to have that message. He was just happy to leave it at "The Justice League broke the space drill and the world is safe! Who cares where the Space Miners strip mine next? Or die before getting their drill repaired? Not the League's problem!"

The Ranking!
-1! Don't get me wrong! I don't mind the theme of this issue and what it tries to accomplish. The League needed a moment to tell the readers, "Look. We're done with all the bickering about trust issues. We're going to focus on saving the world now and put all those other tensions aside." It was basically an editorial mandate that the fans accept Superman as the real Superman and accept the new Lanterns as Hal's replacements since he picked them personally. Those points can't be criticized anymore because the team dealt with them! And that's fine with me. Writers need to shape their world by telling the reader what's what and stop feeling the need to constantly justify continuity shit. But the book drops in the rankings because it is full of terrible nonsense and also a lot of people in Canada died. Or people twelve miles below the Canadian border died.

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #5

I don't know the name of this sex act but I've done it.

People often inquire about the scars all over my back and I begin my response with "I don't know the name of the sex act but..." and then go on to describe it.

I was just on a Wikipedia page listing a bunch of animals that have been known to engage in homosexual behavior to see if a shark would really fuck me in the ass. This gay animal was my favorite:

I wonder if this is an effective chat-up line at gay bars? "Guess who's got two thumbs and is full of old, less effective sperm?"

The issue begins with the Justice League saving the world according to Max Lord's instructions. Because that's what Eclipsos are known for: humanitarian acts! I guess it's just easier for Max Lord to mind-control other Eclipsos when he's the Master Eclipso. I just hope the world is saved before the sun shines on it!

In two minutes, The Flash can learn how to dismantle all types of weapons of mass destruction, discover their locations, and then actually dismantle them. But he's still constantly defeated by guys with cold guns and boomerangs.

At first I thought maybe Max Lord was serious about saving the world. Flash dismantles all weapons of mass destruction in the world. Sounds good. The Green Lanterns put up a protective bubble around Earth to keep out cosmic invaders and errant asteroids. But then Aquaman secures "our shores and borders." What is he securing all shores and borders from if Max is saving the world? A dolphin invasion? The image shows Aquaman blocking some ships with a bunch of whales which leads me to the conclusion that Max Lord is really just interested in saving the United States of America.

Wonder Woman takes all leaders hostage under the guise of protection while Cyborg hacks into all communication networks and begins streaming "Cyborg's Football Facts and White Noise Dance Party" twenty-four hours a day.

Oh, there you have it. From Max Lord's mouth to your eyes.

This might be the wrong day to be reading this comic book because Eclipso Max Lord seems like a hero in the context of the current inauguration.

I haven't needed to point this out in quite some time but maybe DC's colorists should do some research on the American Flag before coloring it. Or the editors should, I don't know, run a quick Google Image Search before okaying the American flag with a red stripe directly under the blue field of stars.

My brain just asked me this question so I thought I'd pass it on to you: When MRA-types get angry at a decision made by Starbucks, do they begin referring to it as Starcucks?

The entire Justice League hasn't been turned into Eclipsos. Max Lord missed Batman. Which means he missed the most important member! I wonder if Batman will get the privilege of beating Max Lord with a single punch at the end of this story or if that pleasure will go to Amanda?

Batman, Amanda, Deadshot, and currently headless Lobo are all trapped under rubble in Belle Reve. They have no idea that the United States is completely safe from all attacks that weren't threatening it anyway. Max Lord is a genius how he changed absolutely nothing! What a hero!

Superman stops by to rescue Amanda Waller. Instead of killing Batman, Superman just leaves him. That seems illogical! Right now, Superman is under the spell of Eclipso. He believes Max Lord has saved the world. Batman is currently the one threat capable of ruining Max Lord's peace! To ensure world peace, Superman should kill Batman. It's so obvious. But then, Superman has never been the smartest member of the Justice League.

And then Lobo's head grows back.

This is practically my comic book dream team! Just add Halo, Katana, and Black Lightning and we've got the greatest incarnation of Batman and the Outsiders ever!

Batman's plan had not only been to stop Lobo from killing them but also to remove Max Lord's mind-control over him. What better way than blowing off his head? Lobo totally agrees which is why Lobo is the greatest character of all time, no matter how much that statement makes me sound like an 80s heavy metal socially awkward white male! I mean, that's what I was when Lobo became the gold standard of bad-ass bad guys. I refuse to acknowledge the years when he was just used as a punching bag to show that other heroes were so smart or powerful that they could defeat the biggest non-crossover-event threat in the DC Universe! When he's written well, he's a lot of fun. When he's written by Cullen Bunn, I have to struggle not to kill myself.

Crawling out of the hole, Lobo, Batman, and Waller run into the rest of the Suicide Squad. They're struggling to contain Eclipso Cyborg. He must have gotten a virus while taking over the world's communications (which include pornographic websites, obviously) which slowed him down enough to be captured by Boomerang, Croc, Frost, and Harley Quinn. Normally he'd just knock them all unconscious with his White Noise Cannon since they all have ears. At least I think Killer Croc has ears. Oh, he must! That's why there's that phrase about crocodile ears.

Cyborg has managed to maintain a certain amount of control because he's half-machine. Max and the Black Diamond weren't able to control Cyborg completely. That probably means after this story is over, Cyborg is going to fall into another depression where he sits and wonders if he's really human at all.

Max Lord is beginning to fall under Eclipso's spell so Batman organizes a new Justice League to go after him. This new League is really just a Suicide Squad who aren't allowed to kill anybody. It features Lobo, Harley Quinn, Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Killer Frost, and Deadshot. See? Not really much difference from the usual Squad.

Max thinks he's created a peaceful world but in reality, people are running amok. Amanda decides it's time for that punching thing to happen. Or a good solid backhand, at least.

Everybody is becoming an Eclipso while Max is becoming The Eclipso. Still, I'd rather live in this DC Universe than the current real one.

Batman's Suicide Squad arrives just in time to see Max Lord turn into Eclipso. This incarnation, Eclipso makes sure the sun is covered in darkness so he can't be destroyed. The only way to defeat Eclipso is with the sun's energy so now I can think of only one last chance: Superman must piss on him!

What Did We Learn?
Who has time to learn anything?! Donald Trump is now president of the United States of America! I have to go find as many kittens as I can to hug and kiss!

The Ranking!
+1! Enjoyable!

Justice League #11

Oh boy. It's time for Bryan Hitch's take on the already told way too many times Amazo versus the Justice League story!

Amazo has the powers of the entire Justice League but has he ever used Aquaman's powers? Why would he need to? The League probably just assumes Amazo has Aquaman's powers for the sake of Aquaman's pride.

Superman: "Great Caesar's cow patties! Amazo is too fast utilizing Flash's speed!"
Wonder Woman: "And my punches can't get through his Green Lantern shielding!"
Batman: "Watch out for his Superman heat vision!"
Aquaman: "He's deflecting all the shrimp I throw at him with Wonder Woman's projectile deflection thing she does!"
Cyborg: "Oh, um, I hope he doesn't, um, you know, call forth some sharks or something with his Aquaman fish ta...."
The Flash: "Telekinesis! His sea creature telekinesis! He's tough enough without that super scary thing happening!"
Jessica Cruz: "What are you guys talking about? We're in Colorado! Who cares if he even has Aqua-powers!"
Simon Baz: "Yeah! I mean, why did we even bring Aquaman on this mission?"
Aquaman: *tears silently run down his face*

The best part about having Aquaman on the Justice League is when they go into space and the writer desperately searches for something he can add to the story so they usually have him communicate with the aliens because they have gills or fins on their heads or something. He's really just Justice League eye candy, isn't he?

The Justice League have been attacked in a neighborhood in Denver. Last issue, Batman mentioned they should probably take the fight elsewhere but do they even try? No. They just decide destroying the neighborhood and putting more people at risk as they fight to defend their lives is justified. They're as terrible as the Teen Titans.

This whole thing about collateral damage from super hero battles shouldn't even be a talking point. But because heroes no longer battle alien menaces or threats to the public safety and only seem to battle antagonists bent on destroying them, all collateral damage subsequently becomes the fault of the heroes simply existing. Why hasn't Batman created an Excel spreadsheet to calculate the pros and cons of the Justice League remaining in operation? I suppose he already has and just hit delete after realizing there was no way they were really protecting anybody. Superman alone should pull a Doctor Manhattan and just go live on Mars due to the multiple times he's been manipulated by super villains and threatened the world himself.

Why did bad writers have to make me so cynical of superhero comic books?! Fuck them all!

For one sweet second, I thought Maps Mizoguchi was working with the Justice League!

Yeah Flash! Evac the houses because the Justice League are about to set this fucking neighborhood on fire! No wonder Batman thought it was a logical when he believed a collateral damage victim had turned into a supervillain.

Scarecrow has decided to add a dance routine to his villainous monologue.

The guy in the background, James Palmer, knocks Scarecrow out with a baseball bat because he's afraid of losing his kids. Once Scarecrow is unconscious, his fear gas stops working and Batman comes to his senses. Unless Batman was just faking so James Palmer could find the hero within him! That's probably what was happening. I'd hate to think Bryan Hitch didn't know what he was doing.

While the Fearsome Five discover the Genie AI, The Flash has become The Midnighter. He's calculating odds and running scenarios and seeing patterns and figuring shit out because his brain works so fast. Barry decides the biggest threat is Major Disaster because he's forgotten that Amazo has shown up.

Probably?

The Flash decides to stop Major Disaster by knocking an unconscious Giganta on top of him. But if he still has his force field, it's not like that's going to put him out of commission. He can still think about making natural disasters while under Giganta's ass! Oh. I see. He's probably masturbating now. Good work, Flash!

Superman hasn't responded to help the Justice League because he's dealing with a Phantom Zone breakout. Apparently Genie did that too. Maybe Superman shouldn't keep the Phantom Zone attached to his wi-fi? Oh, you know what? It was probably hacked by the malicious code that was programmed onto photons and so invaded every single thing ever.

After a couple issues of fighting, the entire neighborhood is destroyed and not one villain is out of commission. Instead, they've got the Justice League and the Palmer family surrounded and they're ready to take Lily and her uPad with the Genie AI. Amazo has, frankly, not been a factor even though he was the big cliffhanger plot point at the end of the last issue. This is one of those situations where there's only one chance left!

This ten year old is as smart as Batman. Fuck you, DC Universe.

Lily hacks Amazo and turns him against the other villains, defeating them all instantly. So, um, Amazo is better with the Justice League's powers than the Justice League is? Batman awkwardly hides his sidekick boner while Alfred reacts to the "Sidekick Boner Alarm" he installed in Batman's underwear by preparing a speech to convince Batman that he's already put enough children in danger.

Alfred's speech had better be a doozy.

The Ranking!
-1! My favorite part of this story is how Lily, who really should know nothing about Amazo, comes up with a plan to hack Amazo at the same time Batman does. Isn't she just a precocious little precious ball of genius?! Apparently DC's favorite deus ex machina is young people. They can fucking do anything in the DC Universe! Fuck all that technobabble that used to be needed to explain away the science which saved the world. Now just introduce a teenager or pre-teen character who is labelled a genius and let them do whatever needs doing. Totally fucking believable and not overdone in any way at all. Just all around great character building!

Justice League #10

Batman about to punch the fuck out of that giant fist.

Why is this story called "Outbreak"? It has yet to feature one diseased monkey who spreads the virus all over the...oh. Oh shit, Hitch. That's fucking racist, dude.

It seemed like the story was winding down last issue because Batman figured out the source of the virus and it was just some guy named James Palmer whose wife was killed in the Kindred's attack on Earth. Thankfully, she was the only victim of that attack or else the Justice League would be battling hundreds or thousands of angry widows and widowers. But since he's just some hacker, I would have thought the Justice League showing up at his door to arrest him would be the end of the story. Since it wasn't, I figured this issue would be about the Justice League apologizing to him and getting him to see things from their point of view and hopefully arresting him anyway and calling child services to remove the kids from the house. But since this cover shows a giant fist trying to crush the shit out of the Justice League, it looks like James Palmer isn't going down that easy. He also goes by the nickname Jesse James (or James Jesse?) so maybe he's the Rebirthed Trickster. Or Team Rocket.

James Palmer acts like he doesn't know what's going on so maybe this whole widower's revenge thing has been a red herring. Maybe somebody just stole his code and used him as a patsy to get even with the Justice League. Maybe James Palmer should be throwing his daughter under the bus because she probably stole her father's code and manipulated it to destroy the Justice League using her iPad! I mean her uSphere! uPad? I know it seems implausible (like, you know, the rest of the story) but DC loves its super genius young people! Typically, young people are running around smoking to show off in front of their peers and finger banging each other in the snack bar at the roller rink. But not in the DC Universe! Here they're solving unsolvable math problems and building impossible technology in their basements!

If it does turn out James Palmer didn't release the malicious code into the world on photons, then he definitely was jerking off to violent porn in the garage.

Need somebody to gossip? How about an unflattering drawing of some women?

James Palmer asks the Justice League why they're visiting him and none of them say, "We just wanted to offer our condolences and apologize (even though we shouldn't have to) for not being able to save your wife. I mean, we saved over six billion people so, mathematically, we saved 100% of the people on Earth, you know?" Instead, Batman says, "We were attacked and we're not going to stand for it!"

James Palmer admits that he was going to engage in cyber-crime and steal from LexCorps and Wayne Industries so he'd have money to help the victims of the Kindred attack. Wonder Woman is all, "He's telling the truth. Just look at him. You think this jerk could have programmed photons? No fucking way. We're looking for somebody from Apocalypse! Probably."

Half of the Justice League is truly perplexed that James Palmer isn't angry at the Justice League for the death of his wife. They really have a skewed perception of the world, thanks to terrible writers. Hell, even generally good writers fall for that bullshit. Check out the ending of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl #1 for some really stupid blaming the hero bullshit.

I guess Lily isn't into being finger banged down at the roller rink.

I bet the more Lily talked about her genius, the bigger Batman's sidekick boner grew.

I don't want a program like Genie. I want a site where you simply enter in the object you want and it mysteriously gets delivered to your house, no questions asked. I'd call it Monkey's Paw and nothing could possibly go wrong at all!

The Genie App was on Lily's uPad and being used by her little brother because it was his only friend. Has this story just been some kind of Freudian parable? James Palmer is the superego, Lily is the ego, and Bobby is the id? The Genie App is the body acting out the wishes of the subconscious which causes a lot of trouble since it's acting out on the id's wishes. Not that the id knows what it's asking Genie to do, of course. It's just hurt and angry and overriding the social mores of the superego and the common sense of the ego. And Lily obviously stole the code from her father due to her raging penis envy.

Genie is still playing the game so somebody needs to teach it Tic Tac Toe before it sends Amazo or the Shaggy Man to destroy them all.

Instead of just hacking some of Professor Ivo's robots, Genie offers the combined fortunes of Luthor and Wayne to any villain that can destroy the Justice League. Most villains know they can't destroy the Justice League but the dumber ones will probably respond to this challenge. At least the ones that aren't in jail after having responded to Two-Face's challenge to kill just Batman for a ton of money.

Double Down attacks first which is super exciting because who? I mean, I remember, vaguely, making fun of his name in some previous comic book. I think he pulls cards out of his skin or something just as gross. Next up is Giganta which means this neighborhood is fucked. That's what happens when superheroes come to your neighborhood in the DC Universe. They simply make it more dangerous! They're like guns. They offer the illusion of safety but are rarely needed and actually just increase the chances of somebody getting hurt or killed.

Giganta is knocked down and the Justice League begin fighting the new assailants from the safety of her crotch.

The villains who are willing to throw their freedom away for the chance at 750 billion dollars are Double Down, Giganta, Count Vertigo, Gizmo, Plastique, Girder, Psimon, Coldsnap and Heatstroke, Jinx, Mammoth, Major Disaster, and Shimmer. I suppose I could have shortened part of that list by just saying The Fearsome Five and part of the Masters of Disaster.

Batman takes the family inside the house to keep them safe and promptly fails because the Scarecrow was waiting inside for them. How the Scarecrow got here so quickly, I can only guess. Maybe he has a Scarecrow Plane called The Raven? Or the Fear Jet? Oh, and that whole list of villains I mentioned who received a double splash page to make things seem exciting and tense? They're defeated off-panel immediately because there's only one page left and the real threat needs to be introduced for the next issue: Amazo!

This neighborhood is fucked. It looks like there will be more civilians looking to get revenge on the Justice League soon!

The Ranking
No change. On the page opposite the Amazo reveal is an advert for the Rebirth Justice League trade by Bryan Hitch. The first review blurb by IGN says, "Some really thrilling artwork that establishes incredible scope and danger." You know what that's code for: "We couldn't think of anything positive to say about Bryan Hitch's terrible writing but the art is well done!" And since the art is by Tony S. Daniel, I imagine "establishes incredible scope and danger" is actually code for "two or three huge double splash pages!"

Justice League #9

Barry and Diana take in the sites in San Francisco.

My favorite place to visit in San Francisco is the Ripley's Believe It or Not! Museum. Where else in the world can you wander musty halls looking at newspaper clippings stapled to the wall that describe the most fantastic people and events and ask you, without any more proof, to believe it or not! I think some people treat places like Natural History Museums this same way! Hell, they treat reality this way! "Let's see. I'll believe the article from a fringe conspiracy site which, if I look around the web, has been copy and pasted with all of the same exact typos to dozens of different 'news' sites but I'm not going to believe an article with references and sources because it's totally biased and shit." Fuck you.

Batman and Alfred begin working on identifying where the malicious code came from. I don't want to criticize Batman but there's surely an easier way to figure out who has attacked the Justice League without rooting through computer code. You know that the last tragedy the Justice League prevented from destroying the world resulted in one death. And you know how people always blame the person who didn't save their dead family member instead of blaming the thing that caused the death, right? Well shit! It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes' stupid, younger, rarely heard of brother to figure this case out! Go to Denver and start beating the shit out of Diane Palmer's husband! Or daughter, maybe? One of them, for sure though!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, Simon Baz's ring is kicking everybody's ass. While Aquaman is being killed by it, he mutters, "Never would have happened to Jordan." I'm not going to do the research on this but I'm willing to bet it, and worse, has happened to Jordan! He's been around for too long not to have had some shitty ass writer write this same exact story previously! Plus, Jordan is so cocky that he probably once dared some evil mastermind to hack his ring and then his ring was hacked and he was all, "Oops!" And Barry was probably in the background muttering, "Never would have happened to Guy Gardner."

These assholes were more destructive than the Kindred!

The damage in the above scan is just the beginning. Simon's ring knocks him the fuck out with one punch from a light construct boxing glove and the ring begins flipping the fuck out again. Aquaman's big suggestion is to run because...well, because he's Aquaman and he sucks.

How cute. Look at Bryan Hitch trying to do the science!

While The Flash outraces the light construct Omega Beams, Aquaman goes underwater to make the sea life battle for him. They probably win or something because who cares? Aquaman is the worst.

I guess Superman is on vacation with Lois at the Hoover Dam? I suppose nobody has contacted him for help. It's not like Batman would call him. And Batman isn't even worried about the rest of the team having to battle a Green Lantern ring. He's too busy trying to trace the source of the code.

Batman figures out the source of the code before Alfred can even finish making tea. You'll be completely surprised by the culprit: Diane Palmer's husband, James!

It isn't logical at all! Not at all! FUCK YOU!

How fucking sad is it that I knew who the culprit was after reading the first page of this story arc? Fuck you idiot writers with this whole blame the heroes for not saving somebody killed by a villain. Just eat a dick. Unless you enjoy eating dick and then eat some dog shit.

I suppose there might be a few writers at DC who enjoy eating both dick and dog shit but I figure those two choices probably cover a substantial amount of them.

Cyborg kills himself which allows him to reboot without the malicious code. Because that totally works on other machines. Sometimes when my computer is running super slow because I've looked at so much Dark Net Porn that it's absolutely riddled with viruses, I just reboot and everything is okay. Maybe what Cyborg did was more akin to reinstalling the operating system? It's the same thing that happens to the Green Lantern ring although I don't know why. Flash's idea to stop the ring is to attack Simon with deadly force so that the ring would reboot to factory settings which destroys the code and saves Simon's life! Somehow.

Now I want to read a murder mystery written by Bryan Hitch because he seemingly has no idea how to write a story using cause and effect. I think he just gets an idea for a bad thing to happen and then makes up a stupid way for that bad thing to be introduced. Then he writes some dramatic action scenes until the page count is almost over and then he comes up with a stupid thing which saves the day but makes no sense and can be explained by an analogy that has no relationship to the event. Then he has a self-congratulatory jerk off while lying on his back and tries to catch his load in his own mouth.

After Simon's ring is defeated by nonsense, the Justice League head to Denver to have a word with James Palmer. Maybe two words! Two words and six middle fingers!

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! Bryan Hitch is terrible and this story is his worst so far. Maybe his editors are worse because it really isn't Bryan Hitch's responsibility to know how many times the Justice League has had to battle a family member of a victim who blame the Justice League! But somebody should have been, "You know. We really already had this story in the last five years with the David Graves story. And then there was the Superman and Wonder Woman story with Magog that nobody probably remembers. And, I mean, even if you have Batman saying that blaming the heroes who failed to save a loved one is logical, it very fucking well isn't at all. So stop this stupid bullshit and write something original and interesting! Plus get off of that glory hole; you've been bogarting it for like ever, Bryan!"

Justice League #8

Fucking scofflaw.

Who at DC Comics was reading Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America and thought, "Fucking hell! This is our guy for the biweekly Justice League Rebirth series! Speaking of Hitch's Justice League, is he ever going to finish the Justice League of America story? Somebody call Bedard and get him to work on fixing that crap." To be fair, I don't think this comic book has been late yet. To be less than fair, I haven't been keeping track and don't actually know if that's the case. I should probably do some research to back up my opinions seeing as how this is still, technically, a Pre-Trump society. I can't wait until January 20th when I never again have to back up my ignorant assumptions and speculative conclusions with actual facts! Apparently all I need to do is photoshop some crazy memes to defend everything I say.

The issue begins with Cyborg upset that they couldn't save everybody from the alien invasion which happened in the first story arc. He shouldn't blame himself though. He should blame shitty writers who need to make every threat an End of the World scenario. In those cases, the Justice League can only react, save as many people as possible, and end eventually end the threat after massive destruction. That massive destruction is important for the writer to show that the threat was serious! But imagine if the writer could show that the threat was serious before it got to Earth and then had the Justice League struggling to stop the threat before it destroyed any city on Earth. That would show how heroic the team really was without having to stick in bullshit moments like this where Cyborg thinks about how the Justice League are actually just huge failures.

Cyborg should also be putting the families of every victim on a Super-Villain Watchlist because you know at least a few of them are going to blame the Justice League for not saving every single life and they'll dedicate themselves to the destruction of the League. Maybe he's not doing that because Batman already whipped up the spreadsheet and purchased the bugs and cameras for the vicims' houses.

This issue is called "Outbreak" so it looks like the beginning of the next story will be Cyborg thinking about how the Justice League couldn't save everybody. Again.

Oh, excuse me. On the second page, the news notes that Diane Palmer was the only fatality of the Kindred's attack. Well, holy fuck. What the fucking bullshit hell are you whinging on about then, Cyborg?! Because by any stretch of the imagination, if only one person died during the destruction shown in the Kindred story, you should be fucking high-fiving Batman! I mean, attempting to high-five Batman as he stares you down with his Bat-Death-Stare. Like me, he only high-fives children under six years of age. Everybody else, we just leave hanging, bitches.

So only one person died. Remember the surname "Palmer" for future reference. Because somebody named Palmer is going to blame the Justice League for his or her wife's/mother's/daughter's/sister's death and they're going to be coming for the Justice League!

You know what? I'm not even going to attribute Diane Palmer's death to the Kindred's attack! If the Justice League were able to save everybody else around the world from the strongest earthquakes ever felt all happening at the same time when even earthquakes that would barely stop a Californian from complaining about their name being misspelled on a Starbuck's coffee cup kill thousands of people in other places around the world, how is it that Diane Palmer managed to die? It's such an anomaly that I can't believe the Justice League wouldn't have been able to save her too. I think she probably broke her neck falling down after jumping for joy due to surviving the attack. The Justice League can't be expected to save every klutz in the world from accidentally killing themselves!

This is terrible math. Superman giving up his life to save one person? That's an incalculable net loss to the good in the world. Regular people should heroically refuse to let a superhero die for them and take the bullet instead! What was Diane Palmer ever going to do for the world? Pay for the McDonald's meal of the person in the car behind her in the drive-thru and brag about it on Facebook? Shit, now I'm glad she's dead!

Cyborg is busy spying on the entire world in the Watchtower when he has a really profound thought. He's all, "I can hear something, like a background noise in the live feed." Then, dramatically, he stops. He cocks his head a bit to the side while looking a bit confused. Then his eyes grow wide and he says, "No! Not a background noise...it's more like a foreground image!" Whoa! Mind fucking blown, man! It's not a noise at all! And it's not even in the background! IT WAS AN IMAGE IN THE FOREGROUND ALL ALONG! Fucking Hitchcock is probably masturbating in Hell over this right now and muttering, "That could have been the premise to the sequel to The Birds! I'm such a fucking idiot! Du dun duh duh duh duh duh dun dun dun."

Cyborg has noticed a code hidden in the photons. Do you want me to repeat that? It won't stop you from wanting to punch yourself in the brain but you might not believe what I just wrote: Cyborg has found a code hidden in photons. I can't even parse what that means! Cyborg can see photons? Does it mean Cyborg doesn't see images at all because his visual data is simply billions of photons slamming into his eyeball? It's like looking up at a hail storm except brighter and more dumb.

I bet I know what the code says! It probably says, "Happy, Happy Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Happy, Happy Halloween! Silver Shamrock!"

In the Batcave, Alfred offers to make Bruce a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Please. Alfred has never made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his life. He's a fucking butler for the rich and wealthy! But before he can sully his hands with that working class monstrosity of a sandwich, he notices the Batcomputer has been hacked! Batman is all, "But nothing should be able to get through these firewalls! Alfred? Alfred! Did you see where I was pointing when I said that? At my balls!"

Cyborg winds up hacked just by looking at the code. So it's kind of like propaganda!

Batman just finished installing software that made his vehicles autonomous, so that's convenient. Now that they've been hacked, they begin trying to kill Bruce and Alfred. Maybe this will get Bruce to reconsider how he refuses to use a gun but still arms his vehicles with the most deadly weapons he can browbeat Lucius Fox into designing. How about equipping the batmobiles with batarangs, asshole? I guess if the rockets and bullets are shot from a vehicle, Bruce can pretend that they're just used for shooting other vehicles. It still seems like a stupidly dangerous idea for a guy who refuses to kill anybody.

Bruce's vehicles begin destroying themselves. That's what happens when you program them to destroy Superman the next time he comes around unannounced!

Cyborg is funny walking around the Watchtower trying to figure out how to stop it from reentering the Earth's atmosphere since after he was hacked, he looked at the Watchtower and it was hacked by the photons too. So now it's going to crash to the Earth and kill more people than Diane Palmer. Good job, Justice League!

The Justice League really needs to find a way to stop having their powers and technology used against them and the world. They might be the biggest threat of all. It just takes one hacker or mind controller or jerko Greek God to transform the Justice League from saviors to killers.

The malicious code forces Cyborg to throw himself out of the airlock. But once he's in space, the code is gone! He's back online! Now all he has to do is grab the Watchtower and pull it back into orbit using his, um, uh...white noise blaster? Maybe?

Oh, it's only going to hit San Francisco? They'll probably appreciate the influx of technology! Some angel will probably pass by and throw a wad of cash at the burning wreckage and say, "I'm in!"

Back in the Batcave, even the dinosaur trophy comes to life and attacks. That's some crazy powerful code! I guess everybody is going to have to stop looking at everything. Where's Daredevil when you need him?!

Meanwhile in Denver, Diane Palmer's kids are wondering what their dad is up to in the garage. Probably jerking off to violent porn. I can't imagine what else he might be doing, right?!

Cyborg saves San Francisco by opening up a BOOM Tube and sending the Watchtower back into orbit, along with a shit-ton of momentum! It's probably just going to speed right out into space now! Except, you know, Bryan Hitch doesn't know anything about science and stuff. He thinks you can put code on photons and somebody could see that code!

Cyborg manages to survive falling out of orbit by using the Transamerica pyramid to break his fall before smashing into a car on the street. As he lands, the hacker opens up a few more BOOM Tubes and Wonder Woman, The Flash, Aquaman, and Green Lantern Simon Baz fall out. Luckily none of them were shitting when they were taken.

Don't worry, Alfred. It's only because you're being written by Bryan Hitch. You're saying plenty of witty and passive aggressive things about Bruce over in Tom King's Batman.

Alfred and Batman manage to stop the final vehicle and isolate the malicious code. Good thing Batman wasn't BOOM Tubed to San Francisco so he can do the intelligent work of tracing the hack back to Diane Palmer's garage. I mean, back to whoever is responsible for it. It can't be just some guy whose wife died, right? Unless he's in the garage sucking the cock of some technology demon, there's no way he wrote code onto photons which could hack Cyborg's operating system and also Green Lantern's ring. Oh yeah, the story ends with the code jumping to Simon Baz's ring and it flips the fuck out on everybody.

The Ranking!
+0! This series isn't exactly terribly written. It's just sort of stupid in the way it goes about presenting the conflicts. I always hate saying that my comic books need to be somewhat believable because comic books are made up of 95% post-unbelievable waste product. That statement makes as much sense as everything in a Bryan Hitch comic book. Unless it makes more sense even though it doesn't make much sense!

Justice League of America #10

Everybody is all, "DIE MOTHER FUCKERS!" And Aquaman is all, "I have a fork!"

So, this comic book is still a thing. It's got to end this month, right? Can there be anybody left at DC who isn't completely sick of Bryan Hitch at this point? I can understand hiring a writer like Warren Ellis even though you know you're going to get some deadline problems from him because his stuff is crazy worth reading. But Bryan Hitch is one of those artists who wanted to write their own stories and then decided to stop drawing as well even though he never quite got the hang of writing stories. It's one of the most common scams in comic books! An artist comes to the people in charge and says, "Hey! I want to write some of the stories I'm drawing!" And the people in charge are all, "Cool! We'll save some money on that deal!" And then after the artist does this for a few months, the people in charge realize that the artist-writer now has too much work and can't manage the deadlines. So the people in charge bring in some artists to do the art while the artist simply does the writing. Now the company is stuck with a sub-par writer who they hired for their art but now they aren't drawing anything! What jerks!

[[MORE]] For those who can't remember what was happening in this comic book because the last issue came out in the late 70s, Earth was being threatened by a mad alien pretending to be the Kryptonian god Rao (or really was but, then, I'd like to believe that the person Superman worships isn't a total dick-muffin (and is also, probably, imaginary)). He'd summoned the ancient planet of Krypton to an orbit near the Earth so that he could invade with thousands of his own Supermen. So the world is fucked unless Batman is wearing a shirt with extra long sleeves to pull something tremendous out of.

According to the credits page, Bryan Hitch's only involvement in this issue is coming up with the plot. So basically, forget not drawing it; this fucker was too busy to even write it. I've got a feeling he didn't even add much to the plot of this issue. He probably summarized the plot of eight of the first nine issues to Tony Bedard (minus the Martian Manhunter issue, of course!) and said, "Then, like, in this issue, I was going to have the Justice League of America win. You got that?" At least I can look forward to decent comic book dialogue by Bedard. Although I really wanted to be petty and churlish, so I'm also disappointed that I won't be reading the bullshit that Hitch came up with.

Hal Jordan groups up with the Justice League to let them know that 250,000 Supermen are about to attack Earth as soon as they breach his shield. Put your dicks away! That wasn't a euphemism.

Batman installed the white lenses on his mask that cover his eyes so nobody would see them roll every time Superman says something cheesy like this.

While Batman rolls his eyes and The Flash makes jerk-off motions faster than anybody can see, Wonder Woman actually decides to say something. She's all, "'I trust we'll win!' says the guy who was dead ten minutes ago." Superman assures everybody that they'll win because if they don't win, they won't win. So, you know, they have to win! I'm not so sure they will win though because this is obviously an alternate universe (even if it was mentioned in other comic books. I'm just going to ignore those bits). Also, they're relying on Silas Stone for some kind of countermeasure to the Kryptonians. That's just asking for trouble! The last time he helped, he turned his son into a robot who doesn't know if his brain is real or Memorex.

Oh man. How many people have no idea what Memorex is?! Hmm, I guess they're still a thing!

With 250,000 Kryptonians descending on Metropolis, how the hell is the Justice League supposed to win? I think that's what Bryan Hitch was thinking and that's why this comic book took so long to come out. He probably finally got a brainstorm for how to solve this dilemma after reading DK III #6. We'll know for sure if Metropolis suddenly has a Kryptonite rain storm!

Oh. I guess this is the big secret weapon. I wonder why Silas didn't send one for Aquaman?

Besides the mechanized armor, Silas also sent a bunch of robotic drones. Does the government know STAR Labs has been working on a private army of killer robots? I guess they don't because these robots were just built in the last 24 hours or so. Unless the robot army was extant and Silas just fashioned anti-Kryptonian weapons for them. I have other questions as well which probably won't be answered so I shouldn't even ask them, like where did STAR Labs get the labor to build these robots? Or the money? Or the technology? Oh, they probably already had the tech since the word is right there in their name.

The Justice League get the upper hand and then they lose the upper hand and then they gain the upper hand and then they begin to lose it for good. But Batman has a plan! Leave Aquaman to fight the Kryptonians while he and Cyborg head to Krypton to talk it over with the Doomsday Stones. Batman's plan is to get the Doomsday Stones to age the sun until it becomes a Red Giant. The Kryptonians lose their powers and young Rao beheads his future self. Everybody lives happily ever after. Except Superman. He's still going to die and be replaced by Preboot Superman.

The Review!
I'm just glad this thing is finally over. As you might be able to tell by my lack of details, I grew bored with the entire thing right about when the Kryptonians invaded. You just can't sustain a reader's enthusiasm for a story when it takes nearly two years to put out ten issues. Especially when the same guy who can't finish this fucking story gets hired to write the new biweekly Justice League comic book! How did DC ever think he was going to finish this story? I guess the fact that Tony Bedard scripted this issue answers my question: they never expected him to finish. They finally just got somebody else to wrap it up so they would have a complete story to stick in a Trade Paperback later. I wonder if they call Tony Bedard "The Finisher" around the DC offices?

Justice League of America #9

It's been so long since the last issue, the cover artist forgot that Superman died.

My Thoughts!
• I know some of you are confused by this issue! The Rebirth Justice League has not been rebranded JLA and hasn't skipped ahead a few issues! This is the JLA story Bryan Hitch was writing sometime in the eighties that he never got around to finishing. But some accountant at DC Comics noticed they'd paid Bryan Hitch for a comprehensible JLA story and he never delivered. It was apparent that they were never going to get what they had paid for (a comprehensible JLA story) so they threatened that if he didn't just finish the stupid thing however he could and deliver something, they were going to have to grumble incessantly, possibly in the direction of their lawyers. Also I think I might have been a bit hyperbolic about this story being from the eighties. But then, I don't think I should be held responsible for the way I perceive time. I didn't write up the blueprints for my brain.

• If you had managed to continue reading this book up until Issue #8, you still probably don't remember what was happening so here's a little recap: everybody on Earth was tricked or manipulated into believing in God. Except for Batman. He was all logical and shit and was all, "TT! That's the sound I make when I disapprove of something! What am I, British? Do any other superheroes constantly tut? I mean, Damian does but then he's just emulating me because why wouldn't he? I probably learned it from Alfred. That motherfucker will tut a woman in labor for her lack of decorum in showing she's in pain." I think that basically covers it!

• This is Issue #9 but Part Eight of the story because earlier in the series, Bryan Hitch missed a deadline and a Martian Manhunter story had to be wedged into this book. DC still cared about getting this series out on a timely fashion back then, even if it meant interrupting the story with what amounted to an advertisement for the Martian Manhunter comic book. I guess they stopped caring about deadlines soon after that which is why anybody who picked this up probably has no clue what's going on.

• The Flash is currently in the past (is that a logical statement?) with the Infinity Corporation who are using some mystic stones they can't comprehend to power their entire corporation. I think the whole point of their corporation is to keep Superman from dying. Good thing they're in the past or else they'd know they've failed!

YOLO!

• I guess The Flash and the 1960s Infinity Corporation have just arrived at the present because the stones are ecstatic that they've finally located their friends, some other stones. I think Rao is using them as his testicles. I don't mean that literally! I mean he's using them as his juice! His power! His man spirit! You know, the thing that gives him the arrogance to believe might makes right and that nobody matters but himself.

• Meanwhile on Ancient Krypton, two versions of Rao are having a conversation that probably won't end in dick sucking. That's why I can't believe time travel in comic books. Whenever two versions of the same person meet, they never engage in any kind of sexual shenanigans. Okay, Harley Quinn at least kissed herself in Harley's Little Black Book #4. But she was just testing a scientific hypothesis! And not the one I want to test which has to do with enjoying sucking my own dick. Would I sixty-nine myself? Would I be the receiver? The giver? None of it is gay, right? If I were limber enough to suck my own dick right now, I totally would!

• Green Lantern is in prison on Ancient Krypton because his ring stopped working. Most powerful weapon in the universe, my ass! How is that a saying? It doesn't even make sense! Did I get it wrong? Maybe it should be "Most powerful weapon in the universe which you can put in my ass!"

• Back on Earth, Rao is all, "I'll show you my stones if you show me yours!" And the Infinity Corporation scientist is all, "Totally!" And The Flash is all, "And I'm the one they call The Flash!" Then somebody does a rim shot.

If humans were immortal, how long before they use up the storage capacity of their brains? I imagine, being an organic system, the brain would just write over old memories. But how fucked up would life become once you reached the storage limit and every new memory erased a random past memory? What if you accidentally overwrote an important routine in the operating system?! Might your heart forget to beat?!

• Oh! I'm finally getting the proper end of the thread! The Flash and the Infinity Corporation appeared on Rao's Cathedral before it got to Earth. So all this shit with The Flash is prelude to the Earth story and all the shit with Green Lantern is...well, I don't know. Prelude? Epilogue? Cosmic nonsense? I guess since The Flash and Green Lantern were ignored last issue, this is their issue. We'll catch up on everything and have a better understanding of what happened after Superman died in Issue #10. If that is ever, you know, published.

• Rao tries to take the stones from the Infinity Corporation and to convert The Flash and his scientist friends. But The Flash, being the greatest superhero in the DC Universe (even though he's constantly out-shined by Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern and Ambush Bug), kicks Rao's ass. He then gets the scientists to return to Earth which catches him up to the story last issue where he appeared to help the Justice League in their battle against Rao by feeding the Parasite the Speed Force.

• It looks like Rao's trip to Ancient Krypton takes place after Superman died. He's gone to collect an army to bring back to Earth since Earth defied him. Or he's going to bring Earth to Ancient Krypton. I hope it's that one so that the Justice League can defeat Rao and then Earth will be stuck in the past in a solar system with a red sun.

• Finally, the narrative returns to where last issue ended. Fifteen minutes after last issue ended if I'm being precise. In the intervening minutes, Wonder Woman has been doing CPR on Superman. I know Diana is strong but can she even compress his chest or force air into his lungs?

• Diana fails with CPR so that means Superman is dead. That's it. He's just dead. If CPR doesn't work then there's no hope left. None at all. Nada! Zip! Zilch! He is el muerto! Deceased! Kaput!

Oh wait! I forgot about the mythic Hollywood trope that you can shock a flatline back to life!

• This might be one of the few times shocking a heart back to life is okay since Diana is using the Bolt of Zeus which almost certainly has the power to bring the dead back to life.

• And then Krypton appears in the sky. I don't think the sudden appearance of that kind of mass would cause any problems at all, right? The real problem is that Rao suddenly has an entire planet of supermen ready to attack the Earth.

The Review!
Aside from the long wait, the story isn't as bad as I keep wanting it to be. I mean, it's not great. But there are ideas that I like here. And the plot is coherent and manageable, if you look squint-eyed at the time travel and prophecy stuff. It feels a little bit like two stories with the time travel stuff stitching them together. Basically the Justice League defeated Rao at the end of Issue #8 and that might have been that if Rao didn't have the power of the stones he stole from the Infinity Corporation (at least I'm guessing he took them because Rao's were just about gaining life and the other stones had the forever time travel thing going on. It's not clear in the story because it seems like The Flash and the Infinity Corporation head to the present with the stones. Maybe Rao took them in Issue #8 and I've forgotten. Or maybe he got them in an earlier issue. Time travel is confusing). With that power, Rao is able to instantly return with an army ready for a rematch. So it's a bit like Part Two of the story which is less complicated than Part One because Part Two is where all the facades are dropped and the fists are raised.

Justice League Rebirth #1

The Justice League are tired of us readers constantly asking for concrete continuity and modern updates of our favorite characters.

The Review!
If you haven't read Justice League Rebirth #1, you're missing out! Especially if you haven't read my commentary on Justice League Rebirth #1! So entertaining and enlightening that you will forget that Americans keep killing each other! Although you probably shouldn't forget that at all. You should probably rage against that. Or at least make people on your Facebook Friend's List uncomfortable with your opinions, posted as you wait in the Taco Bell drive-thru. As an added treat of unity and peace, the comments on this one aren't even behind a paywall! So magnanimous, you say? Oh, shucks! Don't embarrass me in front of my six paying followers who are reaping the benefits of my turns of phrase like "picking pubic hair out of fishnets" and "what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Bethlehem to be born"? Classic Tess and/or Yeats!

The Commentary!
Why is Bryan Hitch allowed to write this comic book when he still hasn't finished Justice League of America? Or has he? Was JLA #8 the final issue? Did it resolve? I don't fucking remember!

Anyway, I guess this book is going to be how the Justice League learns of the Watchmen and eventually defeats them. Hopefully that will happen before editorial decides the DC Universe needs to be completely overhauled again.

This issue begins with Preboot Superman caught up in an existential quandary about the nature of the New 52 Earth. He seems to believe it's special in a way that the other infinite Earths were not. I guess he's correct because this is the Earth where 99% of the action has taken place over the last five years. It is special! If another Earth were more special, we'd be reading about that one, wouldn't we? So Superman has a pretty good point! Which, I believe, I can extrapolate to our Earth! It must be pretty special since it's the one that I live on! And being that I'm the most important person to ever exist and that everything was made in preparation of my existence, I can't see how any other place matters.

While Superman is lost in masturbatory thoughts about the universe and his existence, the Justice League are getting their butts kicked by space lice. Batman must totally be freaking out right now as he realizes how much they need Superman. Your Bat-pants aren't looking so big now, are they?!

Maybe stop counting them and start pummeling them, Flash! And since Cyborg's White Noise Cannon doesn't work, I guess he's useless here!

The space lice are sticking to everybody's faces and Batman decides the better plan is to remove them as they attach themselves to people. But he forgot what The Flash said about their being too many of them until he tries to pull one off of a victim and it won't come off. Then he's all, "Oh, you know what? There are too many of them! If only we had somebody on our team with a really ridiculous super power like Freeze Breath!"

Aquaman and Wonder Woman are attacking the space lice queen which is just an enormous space louse that's about as big as Manhattan. But even the Trident of Neptune and the Bolt of Zeus can't penetrate the space lice queen's hide! I think Wonder Woman is using the Bolt of Zeus wrong. Isn't it usually used more like a Ruffie? Did I spell that correctly? Do I care? I don't think I really need to brush up on my date rape vocabulary.

The people with space lice stuck to their face are headed back to the queen to be taken back to Planet Unwashed Hippie. Since the Justice League can't seem to stop the threat, they decide to deprive it of its victims via BOOM Tube.

According to Vic's own math in Justice League #8 (New 52 Version), every 1000th tube will open up on Apokolips instead of in New Jersey! Although, really, will anybody even notice? Burn!

Since Batman can't remove the space lice from the victims and Cyborg's only offensive wrist attachment is ineffective and The Flash isn't fast enough (this time! I guess he had a light breakfast) and Aquaman is, well, Aquaman, the Justice League needs a new plan!

I guess the Bolt of Zeus is going to come in handy after all! Dammit! I think that was a rape joke. I'm disgusting. Or am I? I think it's okay to continue to point out how rapey Zeus was, as long as you frame it as not having been okay. And to be sure, I totally disagree with turning into trees and swans and bulls just to fuck women. Not okay.

Meanwhile Lois continues to try to get Clark out of the house so she can read a book.

Lois: "They need you, you dum-dum! How is Batman going to destroy all of the space lice with batarangs?! You know you can just blow your stupid Freeze Breath all over the victims, regulating to a temperature which you know humans can easily withstand for short bursts but will probably be cold enough to seriously fuck up alien face parasites!"
Clark: "My Freeze Breath isn't stupid!"

Double meanwhile in China, Si and Jess are getting along great! Why can't they be like that in Green Lanterns!? Don't get me wrong! I don't want them to get along so great that they accidentally have sex! I just want them to be besties where they share their secret feelings about the rest of the Justice League and giggle with each other at the back of the room while Batman chairs Justice League meetings! Sort of like they do here in this comic book!

The rest of the Justice League have somehow made their way inside the space lice queen. I think the particulars were a bit too graphic but I could explain them to the younger readers in a PG way! It's like this: when mommy isn't feeling particularly frisky but daddy really, really wants to frisk mommy, daddy gets out his Bolt of Zeus and begins flashing it around. Then mommy becomes intrigued by and receptive to daddy's new powerful form which allows the Justice League to easily slip inside! Then lots of scary noises come from mommy and daddy's room while you lie in bed gripping Teddy so hard that his seams tear and his stuffing spurts out. Then things get more confusing because the scary banging and moaning are soon replaced by snoring and buzzing. Then mommy screams, the buzzing stops, and the earth grows quiet until the next time alien invaders try to penetrate earth's defenses.

The Watchtower doesn't simply have unisex bathrooms? No wonder Wonder Woman isn't fighting for more female representation on the team! She's got a toilet all to herself!

While inside the space lice queen, Cyborg says the word "connected" and Batman has a Gregory House epiphany! Batman is all, "Hey! Remember earlier in the Watchtower when I said everything was connected and that I don't believe in coincidence? Boy, that was dumb, wasn't it?! Not believing in coincidence is something an irrational person says! Of course I was sure to amend the whole 'I don't believe in coincidence' with 'not with something like this' because I didn't want to sound completely batshit insane! Get it? Batshit! Ha ha. Anyway, remember how I said that word 'connected' earlier? And we were talking about Superman! Which means we totally need Superman now to save the day! Nailed it! I'm a genius! Oh! And do you also remember that joke I told? The one where I said I trusted our Superman?! You got that was a joke, right? So funny! Imagine! Me! Trusting someone! Ha ha!"

Eventually they reach the space lice queen's brain without Superman's help! But before they can whisper directly into the brain that it doesn't want to invade Earth which will take place right before they realize brains don't have ears, Aquaman breaks down!

He just remembered he's Aquaman.

Aquaman can hear the space lice queen's thoughts so I guess it's aquatic. It turns out it's called a Reaper and it's time to harvest humanity. For some reason, I completely broke out in hives when I read the word "harvest". I wonder what that's about?!

More Reapers are headed to Earth so I guess Earth is fucked and it's only the first issue! Boy, I wish a true hero with Freeze Breath would show up and fix it already!

Simon and Jessica arrive just in time to be overshadowed by the arrival of Superman! Way to go, Superman! You saved the day with your heat vision! And your commanding presence! And not your Freeze Breath at all which I think is a big mistake because I would totally be using my Freeze Breath every chance I got! I'd be all, "Criminals! Freeze!" Then I'd be all, "WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" That's the sound of me blowing out cold air somehow. I don't have time to explain the biology of it! I just know it's stupid!

Just use more heat vision! Surely it's better than batarangs, lassos, and white noise!

Seriously though.

Oh Batman. My poor, poor underpowered Batman! I never understood the lure of using the acronym/abbreviation SMH until this moment.

The Justice League stand next to the brain of the Reaper and threaten it. They tell it to tell all of the other Reapers that if they try to invade Earth, they'll get more batarangs to the brain stem! So the Reaper groggily flies back into space wondering what just happened, probably due to the lingering effects of the Bolt of Zeus. Hopefully it will warn the other Reapers that Earth is full of date raping bro-dudes and to avoid it at all costs.

I wonder if the Reaper was built by an island of geniuses who were subsequently killed after the project was finished? This whole space alien landing in New York was familiar on purpose, right? Because this is the beginning of the Watchmen's threat to this continuity? Is that what just happened?