DK III: The Master Race #9

Did anybody else get the Frank Miller Jizzed All Over the Cover Variant?

If somebody were to have traveled through time to tell me thirty years ago that the Dark Knight Returns would shit all over itself in the subsequent sequels, I would have said, "What's the Dark Knight Returns?" That might be a bit of an exaggeration but I certainly hadn't read the series when it came out. I did own at least two of the four books though! Probably because there was so much hype surrounding them! I just never got around to reading them. I mean, I eventually did! But I might have been looking past the comic book at my current crush and didn't really absorb anything I was reading. You know what? I should probably reread that series. Maybe I was wrong to be disappointed by this series! Maybe The Dark Knight Returns isn't actually as good as everybody almost always claims it is! Maybe it's just as poorly paced and boring as this story!

You know what? I should probably reread this story too! Making snide comments while reading comic books doesn't really help one ingest the full meaning and scope of the comic being read. It's like watching somebody you're attracted to do something talented while constantly thinking, "I wonder what that butt smells like?" You know how that is, right? Afterward they're all, "So, how did I do?!" And you're all, "My pants are ruined!" Then they make that face that says, "We probably won't be talking for awhile." And then you go home and change your undergarments while crying a snot river of your own making.

By the way, that never happened to me and if you say it did, I'll delete this from the Internet and say, "Oh yeah?! Prove it!" Boy, won't you look stupid!

Currently in DK III: The Master Race (Kryptonian! The Master Race is Kryptonian! Unless it's the Amazons. Maybe it's just rich white guys. I don't know!), the Kandorians have decided to eat nuclear fuel and explode so that they can destroy Earth. It's possible this is a thinly veiled allegory about Islamic terrorism but I'm not prepared to talk about serious issues here. Let's just pretend that these extremist Kryptonians who are threatening to blow up the world because nobody would acquiesce to follow their stupid rules is simply that. No reason to ruin a mediocre comic book with controversial issues! I don't know what part of the issues would be controversial because I said I'm not getting into that. You can decide what part of the allegory that isn't actually an allegory is the worst part of the non-existent allegory. Me? I'm just going to finish reading this story that's only about Batman saving the world from aliens and that's all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ixnay on the alfhay-eedbray! I'm trying to keep this lighthearted!

Somehow, Batman knew exactly where the Kandorians would blow themselves up after they lost the battle with the Amazons. I probably missed the part where he figured that out. He's the master detective, after all. I'm the guy who gets easily distracted while reading comic books and misses whole chunks of things he just read. When he arrives, he uses the Bat Sonic Cannon to wake up all the bats below the Kandorians. If there's one thing that can easily destroy a Kryptonian, it's kryptonite. So I guess the bats are full of kryptonite!

The Kandorians react to the bats by blasting them with heat vision. Batman is worse to bats than Aquaman is to dolphins. But since bats can't take much heat vision before completely disintegrating, most of the heat ray blasts just hit other Kandorians. They all get hit by some other Kandorians panicky laser eyes and they all wind up beaten and bruised on the desert floor. That was a pretty good plan, Batman! Except for all the dead bats. Kind of a dick move, that.

Most of the Kandorians finally say, "Fuck this bullshit!", and try to leave. They thought taking over the world was going to be easy. It might have been if this comic book had been called "Kandorians: The Master Race." But instead it was called "DICK III: The Master Race." So you know what that means.

It's better just to leave it at that since I don't have anything pithy to say. Besides, you probably came up with a good answer yourself in the hopes of guessing what I was going to say.

Before the Kandorians can fly back into their bottle (or wherever they were headed. I mean, really. Where did they think they were going to go if they couldn't take over the Earth?), Quar and his generals turn them into ash with their superior heat vision. That's convenient! It would have been pretty hard for Batman and Superman to deal with all of those Kryptonians if they couldn't kill them. Although I think Dark Knight Batman is okay with killing when it's needed.

Superman beats the crap out Quar's last soldiers so they decide to set off the bombs in their tummies. Who can save them now?! The Atom? Green Lantern? The Hawkpersons? Wonder Woman? Aquaman? The Flash? Hmm, who else has been mentioned in this comic book so far? That's all I can remember! I don't think Plastic Man has made an appearance although he'd be the go-to guy for throwing himself over a bunch of Kryptonians going nuclear to shield the world from the blast. That guy can do anything. He can even look like a fire hydrant!

The hero turns out to be The Atom! He suddenly grows up around everybody and shrinks all the Kandorians into itty-bitty microscopic bombs that barely exude any radiation at all! I guess. I mean, I don't know how all that shrinking stuff works but apparently it doesn't just make the bombs tinier with the same potential for destruction.

Quar decides it's now time to blow up but Lara grabs him and flies him up into outer space. I guess that's how she atones for being a huge jerk for the last eight issues. Now her parents can be proud of her and Batman can say, "Well, I guess we know who the master race really is now!" Then, to make sure everybody understands, he'll point to Atom and himself.

After the battle, Superman disappears, Batgirl changes her costume so it doesn't look so stupid and then changes her name to Batwoman, and Batman is all, "I'm a less arrogant jerk!" That would be the end of the comic book except DC, once again, decided that we needed a bunch of duplicate pages without the color. Dammit, DC Comics! Fill that space with Frank Miller art so I can laugh at it! I almost thought that was the plan this time with the Frank Miller Lara pinup but then I was disappointed. I wasn't expecting more and I wasn't planning on being disappointed but then you had to put the pinup in and get my hopes up. I hate you, DC Comics.

Dark Days: The Forge #1

Sometimes when I see John Romita Jr. artwork, I think, "What did I ever have against Rob Liefeld?!"

These are dark days, my friend! Although, technically, you're probably not my friend if you're reading this (that includes you, Doom Bunny!). I don't know why they're dark days (although I know why you're not my friend. I only have room in my life for one and he died a couple of years ago. I've yet to reopen my heart for a replacement) but the cover says it right there at the top: DARK DAYS! I added the exclamation point because I don't think the phrase "dark days" should end in a period. I suppose, occasionally, I've run into a wise old biker type who has looked me in the eyes, shaken his head, and said, contemplatively, "Dark days, my friend, dark days." That definitely ended in a period! But this is a superhero comic book so almost every sentence or phrase should have an exclamation point stabbed onto the end of it.

If you prefer "exclamation mark" over "exclamation point," your mother is probably fat.

That was a standard "your mom" joke so I don't think I can be yelled at for fat shaming. Also, if you yell at me for fat shaming, I'll just assume you're yelling at me for being fat so don't do it or else you'll be fat shaming, jerko! Touché!

I mean, I'm not fat! I'm super sexy and hot and macho! Va-va-va-voom is what you'd probably say if you saw me. Then your eyes would pop out of your head and your heart would crash through your rib cage and you'd die. But your last words would probably be, "It was worth it! So hot!"

Four out of the five creators names on the cover do not induce blood flow to the nether regions. Scott Snyder has been a disappointment lately although I still have high hopes when I see his name. Unfortunately, I don't feel we get his best when he's working with the next name on the list, James Tynion IV. It seems that Snyder comes up with an idea and then chains James to an office chair that is bolted to the ground and tells him to write the script. John Romita Jr.'s work nauseates me. As I pointed out earlier, it makes me long for Rob Liefeld. Liefeld's bad art was fun! It was so chaotic and terrible that I could spend days pointing out the problems and laughing at his mistakes. But Romita's art is all straight lines and boredom! Look at Batman and Superman on that cover. Romita basically took a couple of rulers, set them beside each other, closed the lower ends a bit so the characters would taper to the horizon, drew a couple of straight lines, and then drew Batman and Superman as trapezoids. The look on their faces is the bewilderment of just realizing that fart had a bit of liquid in it. And finally, Jim Lee! I truly admire Jim Lee for his dedication to his craft and the work he did to help create Image. I admire him for continuing to grow as an artist and to as a businessman working in a creative field. But I don't admire his penchant for scribbling on everything he draws.

The other people on the list, I have no beef with. Love Klaus Janson. Love Danny Miki. Love Alex Sinclair (I guess?). I'm not sure I really have much of an opinion on Andy Kubert. I bet he's a funny dude.

The comic book starts out promising!

Hawkman's final journal? Hooray! Go to hell, you stupid prick! And I thought these were going to be dark days!

Does anybody else find it weird that Carter Hall records his journal on Swiss cheese?

Many years ago (I guess? There's no time stamp on the opening scene!), Carter Hall recorded the crashing of a spaceship on his lunch. But since he didn't know the word "spaceship," he wrote "sign written in metal." That will probably be important later but for now, it's time to move the story into the present. And where better to begin an adventure story than The Bermuda Triangle! Wait. I should rephrase that. "Where better to begin an adventure story in the 1970s than The Bermuda Triangle!" Oh boy! Eight year old me just came in his pants! I mean if that were possible. Nothing but pee would be coming out of there for at least another five years.

You know you can read and reread the data once you get somewhere safe? Or did you not save your data to the cloud? Idiot. You should use both terrestrial and cloud backups!

That scientist sounds like me in high school after first hearing Mr. Crowley: "There's something in the metal!"

Batman rescues the scientist whose name is Dr. Madison (MADISOOOOOON!). Batman tells Dr. Madison that the only to safety is back through the volcano.

Batman: "The only way out is in!"
Dr. Madison: "Does that actually make sense? I don't think that makes sense."
Batman: "If we don't go back through the lava, we'll be covered in lava!"
Dr. Madison: "Do you ever listen to yourself speak?"
Batman: "Outside will also have flying debris! Inside is just, um, you know! Liquid hotness!"
Dr. Madison: "You mean lava?"
Batman: "If you want to get technical about it! Now get in my Liquid Hotness Proof Bat-mech (trademark and action figure pending!), sit on my lap, and don't ask me if that's a bat-grapple in my pocket or if I'm happy to see you! I'm never happy!"

So they had to go back through the lava to get to the ocean? Batman does know Dr. Madison was standing in front of a window overlooking the water, right? How was just crashing through that not an option? Especially since Batman loves crashing through panes of glass!

Whenever an editor tells Scott Snyder to make something more exciting, he should just say, "Shut. Up!"

Aquaman helps with the rescue and then he and Batman get into an argument about who's keeping bigger secrets. Batman probably wins that one because even if Aquaman had some really juicy secrets to tell, I'd never remain interested long enough to hear them. I'm already bored with this paragraph because I had to type "Aquaman" three times.

Apparently the Blackhawks have some super secret covert black ops shit going on again. Remember how they returned in All Star Batman? Oh, you got tired of reading that series too? Well, believe me. They returned there.

Meanwhile on Mogo, Cornelius the Guardian wants Hal to do something seedy to him.

"Don't tell Guy! I just got him to stop calling me gay!"

Oh sorry. His name is Ganthet. I must be thinking of Roddy McDowall's character from Scavenger Hunt.

Speaking of Scavenger Hunt, I caught an episode of Family Ties the other day when some actor walked on and I was all, "Hey! That's short sleeves, checkered shirt, black sneakers!" Plus his son in the episode was Chunk from The Goonies. Should I mark irrelevant passages like these with asterisks?!

Ganthet having once asked Hal to jerk him off is now canon.

Once again, everybody in the universe is gossiping about how Earth is going to destroy the universe. If only the Justice League would stop saving it already! Just let somebody destroy Earth for the greater good, you hypocrites!

Ganthet has pinpointed the threat to the universe in the Batcave so Hal Jordan decides to go invade it and not radio Batman saying, "Hey, buddy. I've got a possible issue that maybe you can help out with. Let's meet up in the Batcave." Instead he decides to sneak in and start going through Batman's things. I get it. It's the only way to ensure that a couple of heroes fight so all the fangenders can lose their shit over it. This part was probably Tynion's idea. "Hey! You know what I've read in comic books about five thousand times? That part where two heroes fight over a misunderstanding! Can we add that scene?!" And Scott Snyder snorts and wakes up and is all, "What? Whatever. Just write the script already! If I wanted to write it, I wouldn't have purchased you from your parents!"

Anyway, Batman isn't home so Hal has to fight Meadowlark. You know, Not-Robin. Duke!

What is Duke reading to get his Green Lantern information? The Who's Who books from the mid-80s? That's where I get all of my information too!

Is Green Lantern just fucking with Duke or is there something about the yellow flaw that I don't know about? I thought it was completely gone. Is this Snyder and Tynion trying to backdoor the flaw back into the ring but only if the person using the ring is inexperienced and stupid?

In the next panel, Hal Jordan says, "It's good to see Batman's still recruiting teenagers." Hey man. You better be careful with statements like that. At least he's not, you know, fucking them.

Duke Thomas admits to not having a code name yet. That's adorable. All this fucking time and he still doesn't have one. Why can't Snyder just spit one out already? Waiting to find out his superhero name is like waiting for Sting to come in your mouth. Not that I'd know and not that it was the worst sixteen hours of my life.

Meanwhile there's this place called The Campus underneath Philadelphia where The Immortal Men are headquartered. One of them is Immortal Man because of course it is. The other one is a guy in a robe with shaggy eyebrows that might be Carter Hall but I'm hoping is anybody else. Another one of their possible members would have been Elaine Thomas, Duke's mother. But she went crazy from Joker Toxin. They apparently know they need to save the world from something bad that's coming because it's always easier to tell a story about prophecy. It would be too hard to wedge these Immortal Men into the story if they didn't already know some huge Crisis was about to happen.

So the guy in the robes isn't Hawkman because Hawkman gets the next scene. He's been having visions during the times between death and reincarnation. Whew! I thought he wouldn't have some secret inside information to get him right into this upcoming Crisis! In his vision, he sees a gigantic Batman statue with lots of people tied to its legs. I guess somebody is going to have to kill Batman before he becomes evil!

After that scene, John Romita Jr. takes over on the art. I should probably snort some Ativan before continuing.

Mister Terrific is helping Batman with the Mystery of the Dark Days. Hopefully they'll explain it in long, large word balloons that cover up most of the art. Something has been interfering with the harmonic frequencies of Earth-Main-Earth and Earth-2 (which I guess is back to its normal self? Or maybe Mister Terrific just got off before he wound up in that whole World's End mess? For some reason, I can't remember the story well enough to know if Mister Terrific was in any of it. Thank Jesus!) but neither Batman nor Mister Terrific know what's going on yet. To help them figure it out, Batman decides they must let Plastic Man out of his prison cell. They say they agreed to lock him up because he was too powerful but I think they just got sick of his stupid jokes.

Back in the Batcave, Duke and Hal are investigating the Mystery of Batman Investigating the Mystery. It all started when somebody said, "That whole electrum in the tooth thing that resurrects the dead Talons is stupid! It's not scientific at all! Who comes up with such dumb shit?! DC Comics sucks!" Then Scott Snyder was all, "Wait! Wait! You haven't heard the whole tale of that! You shouldn't believe everything you see at first sight! You should wait for the second sight! Or maybe the third sight if everybody on Twitter complains about the second sight! But I don't think they will because this is going to be a huge Crisis! You'll love it!" So instead of electrum being in the teeth, Batman found a metal that shared the same energy signature as the helmet of fate, the quintdent of Aquaman, and the bracelets of Diana. To investigate this metallic mystery, Batman created a team that everybody forgot about. Everybody except me, of course!

Halo's costume is terrible. But Geoforce had better stay away from her anyway!

Duke has no idea who the wobbly speech bubble is. But that didn't stop him from saying, "Dick? Is that Dick? You know, Dick Grayson? Nightwing? Is that you?"

So the metal is probably Nth Metal which would make it more believable that it was resurrecting the Talons. Because nobody is going to say, "Nth Metal can't do that!" I mean, they might. But they'd be wrong because Nth Metal isn't real and it can do whatever the fuck it needs to do when the writer needs it to do it. Although if it were Dionesium, nobody would say, "Dionesium can't do that!" Because that's exactly what it was made for! It's just that Nth Metal works better, plot-wise. Why would Aquaman's five-pronged trident have Dionesium in it?

Deep in Batman's secret Batcave, Duke and Hal come to a door. Apparently the owner of the voice is behind it. I hope it's not The Joker. I hope it's Detective Chimp. I also hope it's revealed before this issue is over!

Batman has also been keeping another secret in Superman's fortress. With the help of Mister Miracle, he unlocks the unopenable room it was stored in. It's a big yellow tower that Mister Miracle recognizes but I don't. Maybe it's Qwardian! It could also be something from Final Crisis which I've never read. Or something from an obscure 1967 Batman story. Or maybe it's something that, when it's explicitly named, I'll say, "Oh yeah. Fuck. I totally remember that thing now!" Anyway, I don't think it's important enough to reveal this issue. Because The Joker needs to be revealed in the Hal Jordan scene!

Oh look! The Joker was the voice! What a surprise! Surprise! Are you surprised? Oh! You should also keep in mind how there were three Jokers, remember? That was a dumb bit that had to be thrown in so that Batman would say, "Impossible!", when he asked the Moebius Chair what the Joker's name was. Remember how that one guy on Tumblr got all pissy with me when I said they'd never reveal The Joker's name and how could I know that and I don't know what I'm talking about and all that shit? Fucking stupid kid. I didn't even get to say "I told you so!" to that kid when the reveal was that the Chair's answer was that there were three Jokers! Well, I'm doing it now! I fucking told you so, kid!

So that's the end of Dark Days: The Forge! Maybe that thing Batman revealed was The Forge. I guess the next stop in this series is the event, Metal. It'll probably be about Dionesium and Nth Metal and how, when combined, everything is destroyed! What will this Crisis be called? Not just Crisis in Dark Days, right? How about Alchemical Crisis on Earths Starring Plastic Man?

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Detective Comics #1

This is already my new favorite comic book.

Even though the main issue was completely boring and barely worth reading, this mini-issue inside DK III #8 has made up for the bigger book's failings in the cover alone. What do you think this villain's name is? Swastika Tits? Lightning Labia? Hate-Fuck? I bet Catwoman is going to be so jealous of her. Especially after what she'll almost certainly do to Batman's penis in this issue.

I hope this is the pornographic comic book by Frank Miller that I was wishing for last month!

Ooh la la! Or whatever the German version of that French exclamation is.

That probably turned you on like the creep you are, right? So let me change the subject for a second to cool you off.

I had Chinese food on Saturday night which obviously means I ate a fortune cookie (or two!) afterward. For some reason, they always bring more cookies than there are people so my niece eats as many of the extra ones as she can. Somehow I managed to get two myself. I secretly hoped that my fortunes would be completely opposite of each other since, I think, that means you will die on the spot. And at this point, I'll take any easy way out to end the numbing mundanity of existence. Instead, my fortunes were two of the best I've ever gotten. The first was "Behind an able man. There are always." Right?! That's one is so spot on that I could never dream of getting a better fortune than that. And yet I did! The next fortune read, "A surprise will titillate you and frighten you but you will accept it." Oh boy! I'm finally going to get laid! Possibly by a bear!

This paragraph is where I'd get back to talking about the comic book but there really isn't any more to say. I probably should have just enjoyed the cover and not ruined the entire experience by reading the comic. It's even more rambling and incoherent than the main book. I suppose that isn't a surprised since I think Frank Miller is given even more leeway in the writing of these mini-comics. I feel like he just draws a bunch of panels that occur to him as he strains to get out his twice weekly, rock-hard shits and then scripts around the finished panels. Then Azzarello goes in and corrects all of the spelling errors and takes out the various racial epithets that almost certainly weren't crucial to the plot. I'm sure he tried to talk Frank out of drawing swastikas on the antagonist's tits and ass but there are some battles Frank Miller isn't willing to lose. Hell, he probably has it in his contract with DC that he gets to draw a minimum number of swastikas in this series.

DK III: The Master Race #8

I've never read the second Dark Knight series so this is the most disappointing comic book series I've ever read.

I didn't say it was the worst! I said the most disappointing!

Batman died last issue. But this comic book isn't about Wonder Woman or Superman or Batgirl or The Flash or Green Lantern or the fishy one. It's about Batman. So in order to make sure people actually purchased this issue, the last issue ended with Batman being tossed in a Lazarus Pit by Superman. I guess that proves that Superman loves Batman and can't live without him. You know Batman wouldn't have done the same thing for Superman. Batman probably would have high-fived Lex Luthor.

Having failed to subjugate and kill a bunch of humans, the Kandorians have decided to attempt something even harder: take on the Amazons. I've got to say, that's pretty ballsy. I rarely ever get too tired walking to the store and think, "Well, forget that. I guess I'll go do a triathlon instead!" For some reason, the Kandorians want Wonder Woman's baby boy. Probably because it's also Superman's baby. Maybe the Kandorians are simply assuming the Amazons will be all, "Please! Take the penis off our hands! It's ruining everything!"

Superman hears about the attack and flies off to save his baby. Batman and Batgirl decide to drive. But probably not to Amazonia! That would be ridiculous. They're probably going to enact some super secret and intelligent plan that Batman has ready to go. He is the Jeezly Crow Batman, after all, and this is his book.

The Amazons destroy the Kandorian army and nobody is surprised. What the hell were they thinking? Is Quar the dumbest super villain to ever grace the pages of a DC comic book?

After the battle, The Flash lets Superman and Wonder Woman know that Quar and the last remaining Kandorians have eaten some nuclear bombs and have gathered somewhere to blow up the world because they suck at winning. They're probably sitting on top of The Daily Planet because that's in driving distance of Gotham. Batman probably already knew that was where the endgame was going to take place.

The Ranking!
No change! For $5.99, nothing really happens in this comic book. Why am I even bothering? It's not like Frank Miller is drawing it so I can feel giddily disturbed by his grotesque caricatures! And I don't think Azzarello is really guiding the story as much as organizing Frank Miller's rambling ideas. I think DC also finds the fans of the Dark Knight contemptible because they fill the last five or six pages with uncolored artwork directly lifted from the previous pages. Why do I care about that?! You know what I wouldn't mind so much? If the last five or six pages were Frank Miller's depiction of five or six of the previous pages! Come on, DC! Don't you have anybody working for you that can come up with good ideas?!

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Strange Adventures #1

What kind of a shitty alternate universe is this if Hawkman is still alive? Zero stars.

I would pay good money to read a pornographic comic book drawn by Frank Miller. I would also pay good money to make everybody listen to me read it as I scream, "OH GROSS! THAT CAN'T BE WHAT A VAGINA LOOKS LIKE, CAN IT?! AND WHY IS THAT PENIS SO MUSCULAR?!"

For those of you who don't understand things unless they're completely explained to you (and then still don't believe them because you first thought something else and will never stop believing your own assumptions and instincts over mere facts and authorial explanations), I'm not saying vaginas are ugly. I love vaginas. They are beautiful and terrific and if anybody wants to introduce me to one, let me know. The joke is that Frank Miller's art is terrible and if he drew a vagina, I imagine it would look monstrous. Now everybody who instantly thought I was saying vaginas are ugly should look deep inside themselves and admit that they don't know everything instantly and their deconstruction of every statement they come across is probably distorted by their own issues and worldview.

The Hawkcouple are flying over the desert where they come across Hal Jordan wandering like a Bedouin. Unless Bedouins don't wander at all and he's just dressed like one. Unless Bedouins don't dress like that. Maybe I should never have mentioned Bedouins at all since I'm almost completely ignorant of them and their culture and their sexual proclivities.

Speaking of sexual proclivities, these two are into some really weird ass stuff.

This Hawkman and Hawkwoman are brother and sister. They might still be a Hawkcouple so I'm not going to go back and correct myself. Until I know for sure that they aren't fucking and spraying diarrhea farts into each other's faces, I'm sticking to my guns.

Hawkbrother doesn't wear a shirt so neither does Hawksister. Now that's equality. I'm all for other people's sisters not wearing shirts. But mine should always wear a shirt. Two shirts even.

The Hawkcouple are just in this comic book long enough to point out that they shouldn't be in this comic book. Then they fly off leaving Hal Jordan to search for his ring alone. Except that they come back to help him when he steals his ring from the new owner! So I guess they should have been in this comic book. It's just weird that they're all, "We can't help him!" Then they're all, "We need to help him!" So, you know, they help Hal Jordan recover his hand with the ring on it. He also winds up getting a light construct Batmite as a sidekick for some reason. It probably makes sense if you're as old as Frank Miller.

The Ranking!
The tile of this comic book was Strange Adventures and it was definitely a strange adventure so I should judge it accordingly. It definitely did what it set out to do! Also, I think I saw one of Hawksister's nipples.

DK III: The Master Race #7

Batman died last issue so, of course, here he is on the cover! It is called D(ic)K III for a reason! Nobody is buying it for just Superman.

I spent way too long making the following terrible Photoshop so I'm sticking it here or I'll feel like it was all wasted effort. I know, in the heart of my brain, that it absolutely was a waste of time and energy. But if I put it on the Internet, it means I'm doing something useful! That sentiment might be the exact opposite of the entire reason behind the following Photoshop. I am a failure.

"The only way to win is not to play."

Some people think the Internet has created a level of toxicity in our daily interactions that is quickly killing the humanity in all of us. But I think the Internet isn't the problem. The problem is access. People now have unlimited access to everybody else and they think that expressing their poorly thought out and bland opinions (generally in a hateful and disgusting manner) directly at somebody who also expressed a poorly thought out and bland opinion is a good idea. A better idea is to not engage with other people at all. Take my blog for instance (which just got a great review today: "this is THE MOST STUPID THINGS I'VE EVER READ." Note the critic ends that all-caps statement with a period. The critic probably decided an exclamation point would show that he or she invested too much emotion in another person's ideas. And that is tantamount to admitting fault to an insurance adjuster). If you think I've expressed piece of shit opinions, the best option is to move along and never read another word I write. I suppose if you generally like reading my idiocy but occasionally wince at some tossed off comment (probably about tossing off), you might think, "I should let Tess know that Tess just crossed over an imaginary boundary that I've created in my head which I don't think anybody should cross, and I'm going to try to get Tess to adhere to my standards with a comment." If you ever do think that, you should probably just move along. Your boundaries aren't a universal mandate that everybody needs to respect to be considered an upstanding person. Your boundaries are your own to manage and you should not expect everyone (hell, you shouldn't expect anyone) to respect them. Your concerns aren't my concerns.

And here's the problem with instant and total access. When I write something, in whatever context, I'm not directing them at anyone. I'm not seeking out any single person to tell them what I think. But when somebody responds to a person on the Internet, they do so as if the initial post was the start of some kind of dialogue, and then act accordingly. They speak directly to the person who wrote the thing that upset them, as if that person had come into their house and shit on their rug. But that isn't what happened. They just wrote a thing for whoever finds it to read and, if they didn't like it, to probably move on and never read again. But most people can't resist that instant access the Internet gives us. They have to comment as if their participation were an expected part of the original post. Even people who agree oftentimes post unbearable things that are just restatements of the original post, just less subtly expressed.

I know "Do not feed the trolls" is a common expression but nobody actually listens to it. Everybody is so desperate to add their opinion to the cacophony of the Internet that they can't be bothered to see the wisdom in not participating. When people say somebody or something is toxic, they don't mean you should wade into the funk of toxins to fix it. It's a carefully chosen term. The more you are exposed to a toxin, the worse you feel. You can't consume toxins to destroy them. You just need to avoid them. When you argue on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook with somebody who you think truly shouldn't be allowed to exist, you aren't helping to save the world. You're simply destroying yourself.

Although I guess if I'm going to use a toxin analogy, I should admit that cleaning up a toxic environment should be the ideal goal. But that makes my analogy more complicated and people don't use analogies because they actually want to speak intelligently on a topic. You use analogies when you want to obfuscate the actual problem and try to pretend it's simple in a way that makes your argument so obvious that the people who still disagree must be total fucking idiots living in ramshackle huts made out of their own fetid opinions!

This digression was brought to you by noticing some Pepe the Frog motherfucker on Twitter reveling in all of the attention he gets from people who despise him. It was not brought on by the Tumblr Anon criticism which I didn't think was a negative criticism anyway. I totally agree that what I write is THE MOST STUPID THINGS! It's what I'm usually going for!

Well that belief must have gotten extremely complicated after finding out where Clark was really from. Ha ha! Not really! It's easy to come up with reasons to explain away any doubt about the belief you truly want to believe in, no matter how little evidence there is.

Superman once read a medical book super fast and then performed surgery on somebody to save them so I think he can figure out a way to save Batman. Unless this series is only supposed to be seven issues long and then it's okay if Bruce Wayne dies. But I'm not buying Issue #8 if Bruce Wayne isn't in it.

Batgirl who used to be Robin but is still Carrie Kelly learns that Batman didn't survive. So she falls to her knees and cries in the morning light. She also probably gets the first really good glimpse at the purple and green colors of her costume and thinks, "I never realized Batman was color blind."

As Superman flies Batman's cooling corpse to wherever it can be uncorpsed, he passes over Hal Jordan in a desert. Hal Jordan is missing his right hand. I bet it was bitten off by a Parallaxodile. At the same time, The Atom is sitting on an atom (not a real atom but the way we pretend atoms look to make them comprehensible to our stupid monkey brains) and thinking about science. I guess these two guys will play a part in the big finale that had better include Batman.

Meanwhile, the Kandorians are massing in the clouds to plan their next attack. The leader's big idea is to kidnap Superman's son from the Amazons. Let me get this straight! The Kandorians just got their asses kicked by one Kryptonian, a girl in a horrid costume, and an old man in a suit of armor, and their next course of action is to attack hundreds of Amazons to steal Superman's baby? Why don't they all just inject Kryptonite directly into their brains and be done with it quickly?

Superman tosses Bruce's corpse into a Lazarus Pit and Bruce returns to life. But he's probably come back wrong! You reap what you sow, Superman! YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!

Also, the Kandorians attack the Amazons as Lara tries to kidnap her brother. Wonder Woman stops her because there aren't any more pages for a war this issue.

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! This comic book is really kind of boring. It's too bad because Alternate Universe comic books have so much leeway to be as exciting and different and crazy as possible. You'd think they'd be full of entertaining ideas. Instead, this issue simply has Batman tossed in a dirty old pool, Commissioner Batgirl questioning if it's worth being a superhero without any real arguments for or against, and Hal Jordan who must now be wearing his empty ring on his penis. Oh wait! He still has his second hand. He's probably wearing it there. Unless it's on a chain around his neck or in the belly of the Parallaxodile.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: World's Finest #1

I get that Frank Miller put out some seminal comic book works but can't we pretend he doesn't exist now?

The cover to this mini-comic confuses me. Why are Supergirl and Wonder Woman searching for a missing contact lens on top of the Bat Signal? And why is Wonder Woman wearing a fake chin and an anal bead wig? What is going on with Supergirl's ass? Is there currently a Kryptonite butt plug up there? And why is her head made out of wood? Did Wonder Woman always wear moccasins?

The issue begins with Batgirl wearing her terrible costume. I think she's only wearing it because it was a gift from The Batman. Some people don't have the constitution to simply throw away terrible gifts from family and friends. Some people feel obligated to appreciate any shitty gift they're given. I'm not one of those people. I even take pleasure in shredding Christmas photos of friends' children and pets. Nearly anything anybody gives me that I never explicitly mentioned wanting or needing is simply future garbage. And if Batgirl felt the same way, I wouldn't have to look at her in that hideous green and purple costume. What was Batman thinking? Not only is the color scheme terrible, there is a bat symbol on Batgirl's ass and back as well as her chest. Is that to confuse criminals? They are a superstitious and cowardly and terrible at anatomy lot!

Supergirl has decided to confront Batgirl and tell her that she doesn't like her. It's a time honored ritual of young girls. This time it takes place on the roof of the Gotham Police Station but usually it takes place at the roller rink or a school dance.

The main thing I learn from the conflict (which I could have learned from the cover) is that Frank Miller loves to draw wedgies. He's got a real old man perv thing for wedgies, doesn't he? Ugh. Now I'm imagining he must have masturbated multiple times to his own work while drawing this. I bet the original artwork glows under ultraviolet light.

Some of you reading this may already know this story since you were probably teenage girls at one point. Supergirl tells Batgirl that she hates her. Batgirl tells Supergirl that she never even thinks of her. Supergirl makes a face. Batgirl tries to avoid the situation. Supergirl blocks her escape. Batgirl tells Supergirl she's ugly. Supergirl finds she's losing the power in the situation and begins to look around for peer back-up. Instead, Supergirl's mother restrains her. Oh man. Just wait until school on Monday when everybody hears about that! This confrontation totally backfired!

The conflict turns into a wrestling match between mother and daughter and now I'm absolutely sure that the original artwork glows under an ultraviolet light. I have a feeling Frank Miller drew the women throughout this entire scene naked and Klaus Janson had to put their clothes back on when he inked it.

What's the sound of one old man fapping?

After the fight, Supergirl sheds a single tear and runs away screaming, "Nobody loves me!" If she's anything like my sister was at that age, she'll be at her grandmother's house manipulating them into taking her to McDonald's now.

The Rankings!
Why am I going to include the rankings for this mini-comic insert?! You don't see me reviewing the comic books that came with He-man figures! I take this shit seriously, dammit!

DK III: The Master Race #6

This cover has been touched up via photoshop. I didn't want other DK III: Book Six comic books tricked into thinking this ideal was true. It has just as many fingerprints as all the other DK III: Book Six issues with black covers.

The evil villain in this book is a Kandorian named Quar. He has more valid reasons than most for getting up to his evil shenanigans. For one, he was kept inside of a jar for decades! What must that have been like? It's not like crops grow well inside sealed bottles. So did the Kandorians just eat whatever crumbs Superman decided to stuff into the top of the jar? Like day old muffins and strips of fat off the sides of his pork chops? What a humiliating life! And what if you were a Kandorian alcoholic who had burned all the bridges in his life? You can't even pull a geographic! Now you're stuck with all of the people you've failed and pissed off, forever! So I totally get where Quar is coming from and I sort of hope he wins.

Last issue, Quar tricked the people in Gotham into going after Batman themselves. Is that where Scott Snyder got the idea for All-Star Batman? No, probably not. That plot is so old there's probably a "How old is it?!" joke that would fit this moment if I were wittier. Getting the populace to turn against the superheroes? I feel like I've been reading that story for decades now.

Batman has unleashed some kind of Kryptonite Acid Rain on Gotham and now all of the Kandorians are losing their powers.

Ew. Please don't finish that statment, Gothamite!

Baal and Superman's Superdaughter are the last two left after the Kryptonite Rain Incident and they plan on making the humans pay for standing up to their betters. Or at least more powerful versions of their unenlightened, selfish, egotistical selves.

For some reason, Batgirl finds herself in single battle with Baal. Maybe Superman and Batman are off sitting in the back seat kissing and a-hugging with Fred. That doesn't make any sense but, for some reason, that song is stuck in my head. Most of you are probably thinking, "What song, Tess? Remember, we're like half your age, you decomposing piece of shit!" I don't know what song either though! It was one of the songs on 40 Funky Hits from the 70s! I mean, the song is definitely older than that! But 40 Funky Hits was definitely from the 70s!

Looking at the track listing after all these years, I don't remember a large portion of these songs. The portion I do remember? They're all stuck in my brain and will probably never leave. Just like Schoolhouse Rock. Just like the singing Mormon commercials. Just like all the songs from The Flintstones. Pretty much any music I heard while growing up is just lodged inside my brain, never to be forgotten. I imagine a lot of the nurses working at the old person's home where I'll eventually die will constantly be asking, "What the fuck is that disgusting old man singing this time?"

Batgirl shoots a tiny shard of Kryptonite into Baal's eye with a slingshot. I think that's an allusion to some Claymation show with a slow-witted dog or something. Baal goes flying off, freaking the fuck out the way everybody does whenever something randomly lands in their eye. You don't even have to be deathly allergic to the thing in your eye! I wonder how many people die each year from spiders bouncing off of their eyeballs. That's like double flip the fuck out time! And then maybe sneezing at the same moment! While driving! What a catastrophe!

As the Kryptonians retreat, the one Batman humiliated looks back and pierces him with a blast of heat vision. Batman collapses in Superman's arms and dies. I don't know that he'll stay dead! But on this one page, he dies! Superman might do one of those things where he quickly reads a medical text book and then performs super surgery to save Batman's life. Or he'll just use some defibrillators on Batman because those things can bring anybody back from the dead, according to television. Even if somebody has bullet holes in all of their organs, as long as you shock them with a defibrillator, they'll come back to life! I wonder why they're called defibrillators when they're rarely used to stop fibrillation and almost exclusively used to just resurrect people?

And that's...that's it? I just paid six dollars for a twenty page comic book padded with a bunch of uncolored ink pages in the back?! Somebody tell me why I'm still reading this bullshit? I don't care how good it might be (and I'm not saying it's good!). Six dollars for this? I guess I still have the inset booklet with Frank Miller's terrible art to read!

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (1)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
8. DK III: The Master Race (*)
9. The Flash (*)
10. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
11. Earth 2: Society (*)

This issue hardly seemed like a story at all! I feel like I just opened it up and it was over! Just a second while I consult my dictionary. Let's see...yep! Total definition of anti-climactic! Even with Bruce's death!

DK III: The Master Race #5

I don't know what the second Dark Knight comic book was about but judging by this cover, I'm going to guess it was about Batman fighting Superman.

The Review!
The cover is actually a lie. It's just one of about seventeen different covers that have nothing to do with the story inside. This time, Superman and Batman are friends. I'm glad I didn't pay five dollars expecting this book to be about the fight on the cover. And even if I did, I would only blame myself. I've been reading comic books for over thirty years. If I were to still trust the cover of a comic book to accurately portray the action within, it would be a sign that I'm a trusting guy who probably has never gotten laid. But since I don't trust covers, you know that statement is incorrect. Probably the entire thing even! Aside from this book not being a fight between Batman and Superman, I have nothing more to say about it. Is saying what the book isn't about actually saying something about the book? I don't think it is. Therefore I have nothing to say about this comic book.

The Commentary!
The story so far...Batman, being the only rational person in the entire world and a symbol of freedom and individuality, is once again the enemy of everybody. What happened this time is that one of Superman's pet Sea Monkeys escaped from the jar and was enlarged using Atom's Shrink Ray on the reverse setting. Wasn't Batman of Japan looking for a Shrink Ray so he could fuck his sidekick? Anyway, Superman's pet Sea Monkey decided that the world needed to be saved from itself. I'm not sure he wanted to rule the world but that was the only plan the Sea Monkey could come up with, so he shrugged his shoulders and told everybody that the world was now his. But since Batman didn't like that idea (partially because Wayne Enterprises owned most of that world and Bruce wasn't a fan of losing wealth) and decided to resist, the Sea Monkey has told everybody in Gotham to give up the Batman or they'll all die. I have a feeling Batman might have considered giving himself up but everybody in Gotham simply went apeshit and had a huge meltdown and began destroying Gotham themselves. That seems counterproductive and a waste of energy! They could easily enough just sit at home and relax for twenty-four hours and then the Kandorians would do all of the work destroying Gotham. Work smart, people, not hard!

Superman can't help save the world because he was encased in Black Matter and sunk in the Arctic Ocean. If only there were a hero whose demesnes was the ocean floor!

This scan was supposed to be of Aquaman with the caption saying something like, "Oh yeah!" But then there was this Atlantean on a squid and I was all, "OH YEAH!"

Batgirl has been brought under the sea with Aquaman for reasons. If I have to explain them to you then you're in trouble because I've either forgotten the reasons or never knew them in the first place.

Batgirl was brought along on the Superman Salvage Mission because Aquaman had the power to find Superman but not the smarts to get him out of the Black Matter. But of course Batgirl knows all about Black Matter. She's all, "Black Matter Lives!" and then pokes it with a needle. It totally works for some reason.

Superman's daughter, Lara, asks the lead Sea Monkey why he commands the humans to do something Superman's Sea Monkeys could easily accomplish. He replies, "I gave them a choice, not a command. We seek to inspire, not dictate." I should remember that! Threatening to kill somebody if they don't do what you want is inspirational! I always thought wanting to be somebody who inspires other people to do stuff was bullshit. But now I understand why people want to do it!

See? This is what I meant by counterproductive!

Batman's plan is to rain kryptonite on the Kandorians so that they weaken, fall from the sky, and get the shit kicked out of them by the people of Gotham. That's a good plan because it works on the fickleness of the people of the DC Universe. Maybe they're not fickle. Maybe they just have some kind of attention deficit issue. It's also possible they're just doing what anybody would do to a bunch of jerks who just inspired them.

Batman joins the brawl even though he's a beaten down old man. He's not really in the kind of shape that would allow him to stand up to even weakened Kandorians, so it's a good thing Superman arrives in Super-armor to help him stand. Then they kiss for a bit and rub tips.

DK III: The Master Race #2

Merry Christmas!

I didn't mean for that "Merry Christmas" to sound as aggressive as it probably sounded. But I can't help that Christians have made wishing somebody a Merry Christmas a passive-aggressive act. I'm an atheist who grew up in an areligious household and we celebrated Christmas because we loved getting together as a family for whatever reason. Pretty much my entire life, if somebody wished me "Merry Christmas," I'd say it back to them. If they said "Happy Hanukkah," I'd say "Happy Hanukkah" back to them. Repeat the previous sentence structure with "Happy Holidays" or whatever you've got. I never thought to answer a cheerful holiday greeting with "I'm not Christian" or "I'm not Jewish" or "Fuck you, you libtard son of a bitch!" But Christians, in their effort to seem completely persecuted by the American government and its complicit citizenry, have decided that they're being brave and rebellious by saying "Merry Christmas." But what they've actually done is turned the phrase into a "Fuck you" which seems kind of against the spirit of the season. I'm just happy this time of year because the days are beginning to get longer and I fucking look forward to once again seeing some Goddamned sun up here in the Pacific Northwest!

I should probably be at the store and not reading comic books because I'm always ill-prepared for stores closing over the holidays. I usually wind up eating burritos from 7-Eleven because I'll be damned if I'm going to keep actual food in this house!

The issue begins with the current Batman being hauled into a police car while screaming that Bruce Wayne is dead. The current Batman is a young girl who is probably named Carrie Kelley but fuck if I know what transpired in DK2 because I never read it. That probably means it wasn't worth reading, the logic being that I only read things worth reading. Clearly that logic is false not because it's obvious that I can't have the time to read everything worth reading but because I've read things written by Scott Lobdell which proves I also read things that are a complete and utter waste of everybody's time.

In prison, Carrie tells the story of how Bruce Wayne died to Commissioner Glasses.

Bruce spent three years dying from injuries received from the villain of DK2. I think.

As a cynical bastard, I want to say that we all die alone and who the fuck cares, at the end, one way or another? But having been there for my cat Judas during his final moments, kneading bread dough and purring as I scratched his head, I know it matters.

Excuse me while I compose myself.

Meanwhile Ray Palmer and Supergirl have taken on the task of feeding and watering Kandor.

Actually, Kandor is expanding too, dum-dum. Otherwise it would appear to be shrinking.

If time travel were possible and a human traveled back in time, would that human appear as a giant to the other humans of the past? Due to, you know, having expanded with the universe?

Ray Palmer hasn't just taken over the care of the Kandorians, he's also looking to make them bigger. Because what the world needs is a bunch of supermen that weren't raised by human farmers to believe that he wasn't any better than anybody else. What the world needs is a bunch of normal sized Kandorians bitter at having been kept captive for years! What the world needs is a race of beings who think they should be the masters of everybody else simply because they have the power to make it happen! Am I still talking about the Kandorians or did I slip into social criticism?

Anyway, I think we've found the Master Race from the title.

On the way to Blackgate, Carrie whistles up a missile and blows her transport clean open.

The new Batmobile is a tad bit aggressive.

Carrie Kelly escapes in her fat Batmobile while Ray Palmer has made a huge mistake.

Maybe in The Dark Knight Universe, Gob Bluth said "horrible" instead of "huge."

Quar turns The Atom's enlargement ray back on Ray and switches it to "reduce." When The Atom becomes tiny, Quar's son Baal steps on him. I know the sound effect "CRUSH" was made but that probably just means Baal crushed the mechanism which Ray shrunk out of. The Ray is always pulling this kind of shit where he fakes his death by going super small.

Ray Palmer's first mistake was helping a guy named "Baal." Everybody should always assume that they're in a work of fiction where names foreshadow shit. So if some guy named Baal asks you for help, you should probably say "No thank you" before signing your name to that contract he's proffered.

Carrie Kelly heads back to the Batcave where Bruce Wayne waits for her. Oh that cheeky girl! I don't know why they needed everybody to believe Bruce Wayne was dead when everybody already sort of believed it anyway (right?) but the ruse probably won't last for long since Batman and Robin are going to be battling a lot more than one Superman soon.

DK III: The Master Race #2 Rating: No change. This is a Batman comic book that just got to Batman two issues in. I guess that's okay because it's also just as much about the Dark Knight World as the Dark Knight itself. Plus it did have Batman except it was Carrie Kelly Batman which is a fine Batman that I have nothing against! Except now that the real Batman was introduced, I feel cheated that the first issue tried to force me to accept Carrie Kelly as the hero of this story! I think I'm on the side of the Quar and Baal because they didn't lie to me! Sure, they lied to Ray Palmer but that's what he gets for believing in the purity of science for its own sake and disregarding the dangers inherent in playing God!

Dark Knight Universe Presents: The Atom #1

Why is roided out Billy Batson wearing a Superman costume?

If I were The Atom, I would win every battle because I would make sure everybody knew my go-to move. I'd shrink down to microscopic size so that nobody could find me. I'd enter into the person's urethra. Then I'd explode into my normal size. I suppose that would probably kill any females so I might have to think up a different move to get them to surrender. Although I can't be sure because I don't really know how pee leaves a woman! I mean, I know it sprays out of them in such a way that it gets underneath the front of the toilet seat which they never lift so they don't realize just how disgusting they are until some guy leaves the seat up and then they see the mess and blame it on a guy. This is easily proven if you're a woman. After peeing, lift up the toilet seat and watch as your pee drips down the back of the toilet because it sprayed all over the bottom of the ring! How do you manage that?! You're sitting right there with everything practically already in the toilet! At least guys have an excuse because they have to aim about a foot away and also sometimes their urethra's opening is all gummed up from dried semen and it sprays all funky. Oh, also guys are fucking careless jerks who sometimes try to multitask while peeing and don't realize their penis isn't pointing exactly in the right direction. Although it's a lot more complicated than women realize! You try peeing with a fire hose! Especially a really small fire hose that practically points straight at the toilet tank! I mean, um, a really big fire hose that's totally too hard to control because it's so big and girthy and satisfying!

This is a tiny comic book! That means it needs a tiny review! And since changing the font size is too much work, I'll just keep this review short! Short is a synonym for tiny!

This tiny comic book begins with The Atom feeling sorry for himself in such a way that he shits all over science by showing how emotions don't obey general relativity or special relativity or any kind of relativity at all except maybe the relativity of love stinks. The great scientist J. Geils discovered that equation. J. Geils also pioneered the science of pissing on walls and freezing frames. And yet somehow, J. Geils has never earned the Nobel Prize.

Ray says a lot of things that sound like things Brian Azzarello loves to write. He likes to write...not quite puns so much but...well, I don't know. You can tell he loves words and their inherent ambiguities and double or triple meanings. He's a wordsmith in the most annoying way! Like Keith Giffen is a Dialogue Knotmaster. They don't make reading their stuff easy! I mean, this stuff by Azzarello is definitely easier to read than when Giffen is really going gangbusters at Giffening some nutty dialogue. So I guess I'm giving Azzarello a compliment? Maybe?

Lara Kent (unless she took her mother's last name which would make her Lara Woman) stops by with a jar full of miniature people and a favor to ask on their behalf.

I had to scan this page to see if the Kandorian actually had some tiny writing but it was only scribbles.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: The Atom #1 Rating: I'm not rating this! It's just supplemental to The Master Race comic book! It's totally adorable and a cute way to tell a story parallel to the main story. I said that I wasn't sure if DK III: The Master Race was worth more than $4.50 but now I have to admit that it's well worth the six dollars because it had a cute little free comic book inside of it! Everything is better when it has something inside of it that you weren't expecting! Unless that surprise is a fetus and that something is your significant other.

Dark Knight III: The Master Race #1

I touched up the cover because it's already covered in Thanksgiving fingerprints.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Here's a free review for all the cheapskates! Thanks to all the non-cheapskates too! You'll get a little something extra special coming up!

Some people will dispute my choice to call this "Dark Knight III" when it obviously just says "DK III" on the cover. But my brain will not allow me to see "DK" as anything except Donkey Kong so I'm willing to brave the slings and arrows of insufferable internet bastards who are also, thankfully, imaginary.

It's been a long time since I've read The Dark Knight Returns and I'm not sure I've even read Return of The Dark Knight Strikes Back so I hope I can follow this series. Here's a refresher for the two or three people who know even less about the series than I do! You'll be thankful for my always pithy insights to the previous books. In the first series, Batman and Superman fought and Batman somehow didn't turn into a pile of ashes. There was a female Robin. The government didn't like Batman. I think? Gangs of goggle wearing weirdos were running amok. Did The Joker and Batman ride in the Tunnel of Love? Was that part of that series? Man, maybe you should ignore my pithy insights because I think I might be using pithy incorrectly.

I'm fairly certain I never read the second series. So I'm totally set to read the third part of a trilogy I can't remember and haven't read all of!

The issue begins with a kid being chased by cops in the Narrows. You might be thinking it's a white kid because I just said "kid" and you're a racist asshole who assumes if I don't put a racial modifier on "kid" than the kid must be white. But he wasn't. That's probably why the cops were chasing him. Look, we all live in America. No, no. Don't argue. If you don't live in America, you just think you don't live in America because America is like a violently patriotic sneeze-fit mist covering the world. It's an idea that has permeated the logic of everything, making us all see through red-, white-, and blue-tinted glasses. I didn't specify that it wasn't a curse. I'm just saying it's the way things are. Anyway, we all live in America. Shh! Shh! Don't argue because then I'll just have to say it again so I can get to my thought. And living in America, we all understand that if you're black, you're already a suspect. If you don't believe that then you're desperately living in a state of denial rivaling that of parents who think their daughter broke curfew because she "fell asleep watching movies on her boyfriend's couch." Hey parents? They were fucking. The kids were fucking and that's why they got home late. Deal with it. Anyway, nothing proves the point more that black Americans live in a state of perpetual suspectness more than the fact that unarmed black men are regularly shot by police while white men with assault rifles can march around freely in public citing open carry laws. I don't see any police giving black males the benefit of the doubt when they're walking around with an object that might be a gun if you squint a little bit and are a racist cop.

Some people defend cops citing that their job is dangerous and they need every means at their disposal to protect themselves. But that doesn't mean it's not racist that part of the means of protecting themselves is shooting black males at the drop of practically anything because the cops fear black males. That's racist. Believing that black males are more likely to commit violent crimes is also racist which perpetuates the fear of black males which causes more of them to get shot by police because police think they're all up to no good and can kill with wallets or cigarettes or just...I don't know... laser eyes. Do black males have laser eyes? If they had laser eyes, I might defend the police. But I'm fairly certain black males do not have laser eyes.

Anyway, this kid snaps some pictures of Batman beating up the cops about to shoot the kid.

That'll do, Batman. That'll do.

Oh wait! It's the pig that's told "That'll do" and not the guy slaughtering the pig! I always get Babe mixed up with eating bacon. You know where you went wrong, pigs? You should never have developed a body that contains so many different tastes in it! Bacon. Ham. Pork chops. Cracklings! You're a white trash buffet on legs! You really should have evolved to taste like vegetables. But then I guess mankind would never have welcomed you into his barnyard to eat the corpses of his victims, would he?

The kid's photos go viral which must mean they infect a lot of people and make them sick. Which they do! Everybody is upset seeing Batman beating up cops. I don't see anybody saying anything clever like "Well, I guess the Bat watches the watchmen from his bat tower of bats!" I wish I were clever so I could come up with examples of clever things people might say. People should be grateful that Batman is keeping cops in line but I guess nobody wants a mysterious masked man taking the law into his own hands when they have unmasked cops doing that already.

For the record, I'm pro Batman beating up cops in a comic book. I'm sure he has a good reason because this is a contrived plot written by writers who I trust to have an interesting story in mind. It might not be a good story but it will probably be coherent and interesting. If Batman were beating up cops in a Lobdell comic book, I might not be in favor of that. Mostly I wouldn't be in favor of Lobdell writing another comic book. Haven't we been tortured enough?

Meanwhile in the Amazon (maybe?)...

Why isn't there lightning behind the Minocentaur? There should be lightning.

A Minocentaur! That sounds like a job for Wonder Woman! Which it totally is. I wonder if Wonder Woman ever gets tired of having to be the hero to battle anything mythological? It's as if her ultimate nemesis is a twelve year old boy with dozens of dice stuffed into a purple Crown Royal bag tied to his belt loop.

The Minocentaur reminds me that it's Thanksgiving and I'm all prepared for my annual Thanksgiving tradition which I've been partaking of whenever I could since I was just a small boy! I have a bag of nacho flavored chips, a can of bean dip, and two Ray Harryhausen movies saved to my DVR! When I was much younger and Thanksgiving took place at my grandparents' house just a few houses down from my mom's house, I used to walk over early and sit in the living room watching Jason and the Argonauts or The 7th Voyage of Sinbad while my grandmother cooked and family slowly trickled in. Thanks to the resurgence of broadcast television stations showing old television shows and movies, I now have both of those movies saved to my DVR and it's time to watch them while stuffing my face! That's what Thanksgiving means to me! I love you, Grandma and Grandpa even though you're just memories in my head! You were the best!

Wonder Woman goes meta for a bit and talks about comic book heroes and how the story is always about the heroes saving people who eventually turn on them like xenophobic, fearful rat bastards. But the heroes continue to save the worthless sputtering fools because that's what has to happen in a comic book or nobody is going to continue to buy them. At least not super hero comic books. There has to be a minimum amount of heroics and punching or a super hero comic book just becomes an indie comic book and then the writing has to be intelligent or nobody will buy it. At least with super hero comic books, the writing can be (and usually is!) complete shit and people are still willing to buy them because "LOOK AT DAVID FINCH'S ART OMG! I COULD MASTURBATE TO THESE WAY TOO YOUNG LOOKING WOMEN ALL DAY LONG!"

Speaking of masturbating! Here's Wonder Woman's naked boob! Sure, she's using it to feed a baby just like boobs are intended but look at it! It's naked!

The above scan is probably some kind profound commentary on life and death but I was too distracted by the nipple to form any coherent thoughts on the subject. Death. Life. Whatever.

Some of you might be wondering what else I'm going to eat on Thanksgiving besides chips and bean dip, right? So I'm cooking a Tofurkey loaf which will probably offend a lot of sensibilities but you shouldn't judge because look at what judging constantly has done for me! I'm just a bitter, cynical tofurkey eater. I will also be eating broccoli and waffle fries! I think the "Tofurkey Feast" also came with some brownies or something. Speaking of the "Tofurkey Feast," the package was a little bit depressing. It comes with some Tofurkey Jerky (god, I hate that I'm eating this product now!) that is stuck together to be used as a fake wishbone. The package tells the purchaser to "find a friend" to pull the jerky apart. It doesn't say "Grab a beloved family member and have fun!" No. It pretty much says, "Pause your Ray Harryhausen movie, leave your pathetically empty domicile in which you are planning to eat an entire Tofurkey Loaf all on your own, and hunt down a 'friend' so you can enjoy at least fifteen seconds of human warmth and compassion on this day! Enjoy!"

Wonder Woman heads back to her home in the Amazon because that's where Amazons should live! Not on some Greek island! It's right there in the name! Her child is named Jonathan because it's probably named after its grandfather. She also has a daughter named Lara who is named after a mermaid or maybe Superman's mom or something. What am I? A Superman scholar?! This is supposed to be a comic book about Batman!

Lara is currently bothering her father in his Fortress of Solitude because she doesn't know what words mean. It's not the Fortress of Drop In Anytime! Give the guy some privacy!

It's at this point in the comic book when I find a little surprise! It's a tiny Atom comic book inside a regular-sized Batman comic book! It's so adorable! Am I supposed to read it now?! I guess I should save it for my next commentary! Even though this is super adorable, don't think I'm not angry that I have yet another comic book to write about! More work?! Dammit! This is supposed to be America's favorite holiday! Right after the one where you get to blow stuff up and cause forest fires. I think that one's more popular although the food is way shittier. How can somebody love the 4th of July better than Thanksgiving when you're probably eating goddamn hot dogs and overly cooked Father burgers!? Gross!

Before continuing on reading this comic, I carefully remove The Atom comic book and then remove the little glue strips that helped hold it in place so that the tab it was stuck to doesn't stick to the facing page. Look at me! I'm a good comic book collector! I mean, I'm not a saint or anything. I don't use backing boards at all! Oh, shut up! You and your backing boards can go fuck a hobo! No offense, hobos.

INTERMISSION! For me, not for you. You can keep reading if you'd like but I'm going to go eat! Happy Thanksgiving! Even to y'all who aren't in America because remember that mist? Celebrate with us, dammit!

So, I was watching Gotham either last week or the week before (every episode just sort of washes into the other like water colors I'm pissing on) and Lee decided to tell Gordon how to ease into something. She uses juggling as an explanation. She explained that first you learn to juggle with two balls and then you add another. WRONG! Juggling two balls is completely different than juggling three balls! It's a completely different skill, you stupid whore! And I mean "whore" not as an insult (the stupid part was the insult) but as a mention of her previous character work on Firefly. Juggling an even amount of balls (or pins (or kittens)) is a completely different skill than juggling an odd number! Duh! Oh, I think that was a Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy! I think that needs a theme song.

Okay, now that I've eased myself back into the commentary after stuffing my face (just like going from two balls to three while juggling!), I'm ready to talk about Superman's role in Donkey Kong III: The Master Mario Kart.

His role is an ice cube maker.

While visiting her father and trying to work through some really serious Daddy Issues, Lara finds Kal's pet Kandorians starving in their jar. I was worry about pets whose owners die or disappear without anybody knowing that they should check on the pet and take care of it. It must be so lonely waiting for your monkey friend to come home and it never does. Then it must be really lonely and painful as the monkey friend with the helpful thumbs that can actually get at all of the food never bothers to return. Everybody who has pets should have a plan in place to take care of the pets should something devastating happen to them! Then I won't feel randomly sad when I think about it! Jerks.

I just finished watching Jessica Jones on Netflix and I was happy that they brought up the idea of everybody pleading not guilty by reason of mind control in every single court case that will ever happen until the end of time once mind control becomes a standard thing. I've only mentioned it about a dozen times during that Doomed Superman story arc as well as, I'm sure, multiple other places.

Back in Gotham, Batman beats up some more cops. That's what they get for chasing him! Haven't any of them been paying attention? He's better at police brutality than the police are! At least until one of them gets a lucky shot in that knocks Batman down so they can start beating the shit out of him with their batons. Please! As if Batman can be hurt by nightsticks! That's like spanking a fifteen year old! You're only punishing yourself because the fifteen year old isn't going to be hurt but they're certainly going to resent you! And have you ever lived in a house with a resentful teenager? I mean one that wasn't you? It's practically impossible!

The current commissioner arrives on the scene of the mass taste of their own medicine and manages to cuff Batman since he's exhausted, beaten, and probably shot in a couple of places. Like the side of the head and maybe an extremity and possibly the vagina.

Yes, this Batman has a vagina. It must be Carrie.

Before passing out, Carrie mentions that Bruce Wayne is dead. Ha ha!

DK III: The Master Race #1 Rating: I enjoyed this! It's like a comic book that's a comic book which means more than it sounds like it means! But I don't have to explain myself. I'm tired of everybody having to explain themselves! If only we had a way to silence the people who don't understand things so we can have discussions that don't need to constantly be footnoted and explained and aren't interrupted by morons Googling the definition of some not-even-obscure word you used! Whoops! I'm getting ranty for no reason! I meant to say that this comic book might be saying that women are the Master Race (even though that's not a race! Just stick with me on this!) since the Commissioner, Batman, Superman, and even Wonder Woman are all women in this comic book! Oh boy! I bet all of Frank Miller's misogynist fanboys (I like to use "fangender" but in this case I think it's safe to say "Frank Miller's fanboys!") have just lost their erections! I bet they were all "Womens?! In comic books?! Ptui! Where's all the beefcock?! I mean beefcake! I mean rugged, heroic white male role models?!" I suppose all the women in the comic book are white though so maybe everybody's first reaction to the title, "The Master Race", was spot on! This comic book may not be worth the six dollars it costs to every Batman fan but it was definitely worth the $4.50 that I paid for it! Local comic book store discounts for the win! Happy Thanksgiving, America and American-Mist-covered countries to boot!
<> Now stop being cheapskates and go participate in making me wealthy for writing comic book reviews! Go here and be joyous!

Superman #44

"Lies" would be the perfect title to reveal that all the Superman stories since The New 52 began were just Lex Luthor Fanfiction.

Superman has lost his powers and is now mad at Lois Lane for stupid CW Arrow reasons. And since this story takes place before the stories in the other Superman comic books, things are just going to get worse for Superman as well as any readers who decided to hold off reading the other comics until "Before Truth" was over.

For now, Clark is just discovering how much everybody in the DC Youniverse hates his Kryptonian guts, or whatever it is those gross aliens have in their indestructible bellies. Probably just organs for stealing jobs and seducing Earth women.

The first people to make Clark feel unwelcome are the Royal Flush Gang. The second people are the police who try to arrest him for comic book reasons. Those reasons go something like this: Superman is cool as long as he's just Superman. But if Superman is sometimes somebody else, he's not cool but dangerous instead. Um, that's it. That's the whole argument. It probably makes sense to people smarter than me.

The third person to make Clark feel like an ass is Livewire. For some reason, she's taken some people at the Daily Planet hostage. I guess she wants Superman to get angry and kick her ass. Why else would she be threatening the people at his place of work? If I were a super villain and I discovered that Superman worked at McDonald's, I would stop going to McDonald's. I would not do any crime near McDonald's. I would not commit any crime in the city in which that McDonald's is located. What I would not do is instantly go cause trouble at that McDonald's. Livewire is an idiot.

Livewire's friends are also idiots.

I'm not sure what Killer Croc is doing out of Gotham and away from the displaced people he protects. I'm sure he has a logical reason for pissing off Superman that isn't simply that he's recognizable enough to throw on the cover. He might also still be possessed by Xa-Du. They're all probably possessed by Xa-Du!

Perry gets wounded as Superman subdues the bad guys which is probably why Perry is so pissed at him later. Either that or everybody just forgot that he isn't J. Jonah Jameson.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

After Superman realizes everybody in the world is a complete douchebag, he puts out a video threatening everybody if they do anybody he loves any harm. You know, instead of releasing a compassionate, thoughtful video discussing how he grew up as Clark Kent and how Clark Kent is not a lie. Instead of reaching out to garner people's sympathy, he simply stokes their fear. Good job, asshole. You're no Superman! You haven't been Superman since The New 52 began!

Superman #44 Rating: -2 Ranking. I guess angry Superman hated by everybody on Earth is the Superman the fans of DC Comics deserve. I don't know what we did to deserve this version of Superman but since it's the one DC Comics is giving us, we must deserve it, right?! Where do I go to repent whatever sins caused this so that I can get a Superman who cares about people, who's compassionate, who has a never ending supply of patience, and who manages to retain the powers that should allow him to be the most non-violent superhero in comics? At least if he has to have problems, can y'all make them believable? Because I'm just not buying this whole thing where everybody hates Superman now that they know he has a secret identity. The population of DC's Earth aren't only xenophobic assholes, they're idiots to boot.

Superman #43

All of the Superman covers shouldn't match when one story takes place before the others. It sends the wrong message. That message being, "Ha ha! You stupid fucking idiots should have waited to read these in the trades so you could get the story in the right order! Jerks!"

This issue begins with Clark waking up in bed with Lois Lane. HEY-O! Except Lois has all of her clothes on (including her boots) and is lying on top of the covers and is facing away from him with her arms wrapped around her body in the universal body language of "I know he's going to poke me in the back with his penis and the instant that happens I'm out the fucking door." Although Lois did choose to sleep in bed with a naked Clark, so maybe she was hoping that might happen and she was just wearing all of her clothing so that if it didn't happen, she could point out how she totally didn't want anything to happen either or why else would she have been wearing her boots and why was the condom in her pocket and not on the bedside table ready to go? I mean, Jimmy could have been the one sleeping next to Clark, right?

Headcanon that Clark has a massive penis proven true. No need to also prove that Clark is uncircumcised because what mohel could have cut through that foreskin? If Superman wanted to convert to Judaism, he'd have to burn it off with his heat vision.

Lois feeds Clark a microwaveable dinner and then asks him all of the tough questions like "Would I suffer internal bleeding if we were to have sex?" and "Do you have to masturbate into your cape to prevent the semen from shooting shotgun like through the wall and accidentally killing a neighbor?" Although I might have to question her journalistic credentials when she asks him if he might someday go rogue. Does she forget the times he's been mind-controlled? Did she not hear about that time he was hopped up on Joker venom? What about when he was infected by the Doomsday virus? She wrote like ten shitty articles about that event alone! She also never even waits for him to answer her questions. Some reporter!

This conversation backs up the idea that Clark gives Lois the okay to print his identity to keep HORDR from using it against him. And then Superman finds out that the regular people of the DC Youniverse are just as stupid and fearful as the citizens of that universe where the X-men live.

Lois tells Clark she'll keep his secret and then admits that she almost fell in love with Clark. Clark's sudden boner spills the Lean Cuisine all over the floor. But since Lois is busy wiping her tears away, she misses it and then Clark distracts her by asking her to stab him with a fork. He's really into some weird shit.

Jimmy Olsen feels sick and throws up through his nose. Ugh. That's the worst. He also vomits a mechanical man! Afterward, he passes by Lois's open door as he and Condesa go to rest downstairs.

See? Welcome to Boner Town, Lois Lane!

Lois's fork sticks into Clark's arm because his powers still aren't back after his last use of the Solar Flare power. That's because some of his power was stolen when he used the flare last issue. That's why he's so powerless in the other titles right now. Although just how powerless he's become is based on how much power Greg Pak needs him to have at any specific moment during the story. It makes for really tense and dramatic moments since the reader has no idea if Clark will die every time he's punched by a shadow monster!

The little robot Jimmy puked up attaches itself to Lois's phone and becomes a super cute way to FaceTime your friends. HORDR appears on Lois's phone to let Clark know that he still has enough files to expose Superman's secret and that maybe Clark should just accept working with him already. So that will probably be reason enough for Superman to ask Lois to write the article so they can control the spin as much as possible. Which, obviously, doesn't wind up working how Clark thought it would.

Clark decides to meet up with HORDR as Lois investigates HORDR to find his weaknesses. I bet his weaknesses are acne and video games and high school bullies and a penchant for popping boners at the most inappropriate times. He also says "sort of" constantly which will eventually give him away.

Clark meets up with HORDR who takes him inside a mountain. Lois sneaks in behind by accessing it with her HORDR_MASK programmed by Condesa last issue. It's up to Lois to save the day! Probably. I mean, what can Clark really do without his super powers? Since The New 52 began, the only way he ever seems to be able to defeat anybody is by punching them as hard as he can. He hasn't had to rely on his smarts before. So now that he's shackled to a chair surrounded by a bunch of "Quarmers," beings who store energy like Superman Solar Flares, Superman doesn't have the skills to escape.

When Lois sees what they're doing to Clark, she puts out her story about his identity. Lois tells the world so that HORDR has no way to manipulate Clark. Also she knew she'd win a Pulitzer for this shit and no way Perry White can deny a hefty bump in her salary after this. No wait. She'll probably be fired since she releases the story into cyberspace as opposed to giving the Daily Planet the exclusive rights to it. No way Perry will forgive that mistake. Pretty much the entire internet's reaction is, "Hrm. I pretty much knew that already."

What has General Lane been doing? Just following Superman around waiting for an excuse to murder him?

Superman #43 Rating: No change. Well shit. I was with this issue right up until the end. I think it would have made for a better story to have Superman realize that he was putting more people in danger by being manipulated by an unknown madman than to have his identity exposed, therefore allowing Lois to expose his identity. I was hoping Superman would be smarter than his usual "I can handle everything myself" way of approaching problems. I was hoping that somehow this story wouldn't just become the story it obviously had to become considering the shitstorms happening in the other Superman titles. Tomasi actually did his best to explain why everybody is suddenly so worried about Superman having a secret identity, and I commend him for at least broaching the subject and trying to explain away the entire world's irrational reaction to Superman keeping a secret identity. It helps mitigate my anger toward DC's belief that everybody in their Youniverse without super powers is a fearful, xenophobic asshole who can't understand why a superhero like Superman might actually want to be a regular person most of the time. Especially when all it takes is one Barbara Walters special sitting down with Superman to find out about his life growing up on the Kent farm and realizing that he's really been a human for more of his life than he's been a super man from Krypton. What I'm asking for, DC, is more characters who approach situations with intelligence and understanding rather than fear and idiocy.

Superman #42

I just noticed I have Superman ranked at #12. That's a huge mistake! It should be much lower. Sorry for disappointing everybody with my failures.

I would fix Superman by making this comic book be all about heroic yet relatively mild Superman stories. Show him as the caring, compassionate man that was raised in a loving family by kind parents. Sure, he can still battle big threats in this comic book but the main thrust of each story shouldn't be whether Superman uses a jab or an uppercut to defeat the bad guy. The story should be about finding ways to protect the people of Metropolis as he battles the threat. People are so worried about Superman being so powerful that he becomes uninteresting due to a lack of tension in the story. But what if DC Comics were to embrace that fact? Everybody knows Superman is going to win, so how about writing Superman stories where he never has to struggle against the enemy. Accept that defeating the enemy is a foregone conclusion and probably won't even take much effort. Replace the tension and drama with how Superman must defeat the bad guy without destroying any building in Metropolis. Make it so Superman ensures the safety of every citizen as he battles the bad guy. Hell, write a story that's basically a rip-off of the sitcom episode where the main character has two dates for prom. Maybe Superman promised a bunch of sick kids that he'd hang out with them some afternoon when Brainiac attacks and Superman has to find a way to defeat Brainiac while entertaining the kids at the same time. Let Superman be so powerful that he can't lose! I think we can all be on board for that. I think it would be more interesting anyway if Superman were half-distracted while battling an alien invasion and he still has no problem defeating them. Hell, you can even write the stories from another character's perspective while Superman's battle takes place in parallel in the background.

Once you've fixed the Superman title so that it's not all about how he's suddenly helpless and vulnerable, turn Action Comics into a series about Metropolis. Bring in some other heroes that are less effective than Superman and show them taking care of other problems while Superman is busy. Hell, Bullock is currently the main character in Detective Comics so make Beebo the main character of Action Comics! Just do something which is more interesting than this stupid fucking loss of identity and loss of power bullshit. Oh no! Superman doesn't know how he fits into the world anymore! And it's a world that suddenly hates his guts because he lied to them about his real name! OH NO! The fucking tragedy of it all!

This issue begins with Clark, Jimmy, Lois, and their new friend and front page story Condesa hanging out on a hill overlooking Metropolis. Clark was shot last issue and bled like a stuck motherfucker all over the back seat of Jimmy's car. But now he seems fine. Lois and Condesa seem cool with not taking Clark to the hospital. It's like he has super healing powers or something. Lois isn't acting freaked out so she must be the anonymous tipster that already knows Clark is Superman. She's just biding her time before she publishes the story that will win her a Pulitzer and destroy Clark's life. I'm sure Clark, being her best friend, will be okay with that.

Condesa used to work for a company called HORDR. It's the Intergang of Information. If you've got a secret, they'll find it out and blackmail you with it! They sound like a totally legit company that nobody in power would be afraid of at all. As Condesa spills her secrets, the group is attacked by some of those Shadow Ninjas that have been plaguing Superman lately. But Clark destroys them all right in front of everybody!

How dumb does Clark think Lois is? If I were Lois Lane, I'd be offended!

Lois Lane is offended but not because Clark thought she was stupid. No, she's angry that he didn't tell her. Wait a second. Is this an episode of Arrow?! Clark realizes that Condesa's ex-boss, HORDR_ROOT, also knows Superman's secret identity. That means Superman needs to defeat HORDR_ROOT and probably kill him. Or at least get Martian Manhunter to erase his memory. What Clark doesn't realize is that he should probably kill Lois as well. At least he'll be able to feel self-righteous about lying to her all these years after she publishes his secret identity.

Superman takes everybody to visit Hiro the Toymaster so he can replicate a mask which acts like a badge for access to HORDR's campus. Then Condesa programs it by speaking binary directly into the mask. She's a super-nerd!

The HORDR_CAMPUS is in the clouds because why not? It's a good pun for a company that's all about technology and information, right?! On the bus ride up into the sky, Lois basically tells Clark that she doesn't think of him as her friend anymore because now he's just a story and she feels like she's in the right to expose him because he didn't tell her his secret earlier. This really has become an episode of Arrow, hasn't it?

Maybe I've just never been friends with wishy-washy assholes but it pisses me off to read a story where a person immediately stops being friends with another person when they find out the friend was keeping a reasonable secret from them. Here's how that conversation has gone with me and my best friend Doom Bunny:

Doom Bunny: "What's your deepest, darkest secret?!"
Me: "I'm not fucking telling you! I'm not telling anybody!"
Doom Bunny: "No way! What is it?! What's so bad you won't even tell me? Did you murder a baby?!"
Me: "I can neither confirm nor deny the murder of a baby because if I deny anything you ask me about my secrets, you'll eventually figure them out through the process of elimination!"
Doom Bunny: "Did you fuck your mother?!"
Me: "Okay, I will deny that one. You're disgusting! I'm not your friend anymore!"

To this day, he knows I have a secret that I won't tell him and he's still my stupid friend! Although there are plenty of other reasons why he should stop being my stupid friend. Like how I call him my stupid friend.

See?! If I tell Doom Bunny my secrets, he'll probably use it against me and force me to get coffee for him!

Everything in HORDR's work environment is named HORDR UNDERSCORE SOME-OTHER-WORD. I don't know how people are saying it. Are they pronouncing the underscore or is it just implied?

Condesa ditches Jimmy, Lois, and Clark just as HORDR_ROOT announces that three people have infiltrated the HORDR_PLEX. That's when a bunch of HORDR_BOTS descend on them. But Superman grabs his friend and Lois and drags them to safety.

Except instead of safety, Clark winds up in HORDR_ROOT's throne room. Sort of.

This scene makes me think Clark will wind up giving Lois his blessing to publish his secret so it can't be used against him.

While Superman destroys HORDR_BOTS, Jimmy catches up with Condesa who only betrayed them to keep her own secret. And Lois bashes HORDR_ROOT over the back of the head with a probably not actually lead pipe. He's just a kid because, as we all know, kids are better at technology than old people! But the body Lois bashes is just a simulacrum and it disappears. Of course they'll figure out who HORDR_ROOT really is when they run into him in his own secret identity and he accidentally says, "Sort of."

Condesa helps Jimmy to evacuate the HORDR_PLEX because Superman is, once again, going straight to the Solar Flare power. He's really relying on that shit when he doesn't need to. It's like wasting all of your Tiltowait spells on Kobolds and Bubbly Slimes!

While Superman is in the middle of his Solar Flare power, some hulking creature sidles up to him and steals his power. Superman collapses but he got enough of his flare out to destabilize the campus in the clouds. Now it will plummet down on Metropolis, right? I suppose this is why Superman has lost so much of his power in the other titles because it was stolen by Hulky McHulkerhulk. The gang take the last bus out of HORDR_VILLE and ride off into next issue.

Superman #42 Rating: -5 Ranking. I'm only lowering the ranking because it's way too high in the rankings. The decrease has nothing to do with this issue which was actually a pretty good issue! But then most of the problem I currently have with the other Superman titles is that the stories they're telling should have been told after this story in Superman was finished. Sure, they'll all read fine later when they can be collected in trades and read in the proper order. But for current fans financing this rickety ass company, I don't appreciate this wacky, nonlinear nonsense! This story about how Superman came to be a useless asshole is pretty good though! For a comic book that features a tech-company in the clouds, I mean!