Nightwing: The New Order #1

Where the hell has Kyle Higgins been? Writing for a better comic book company or playing too much Overwatch?

Everybody likes to think that they never let their emotions cloud their intellectual decisions. Obviously most people are wrong about this because most people aren't robots disguised as humans or cars or comic book bloggers. I've come up with a good test to know if you're one of those people who make bad decisions based on your stupid human feelings. Not a lot of people will get the chance to take this test unless MTV decides to pick it up and make it into a hidden camera show. Here's how it works. Most people have friends (I say most people because I post my commentaries on Tumblr as well as Blogger and I don't want anybody responding with "How dare erase people who don't like to make friends!" Although I suspect people who say things like that are just justifying the reason they have no friends because they say things like that) and they would do anything to defend their friends from physical assault. They've got their friend's back or whatever nomenclature the cool kids use. I would know but a cool kid has never once spoken to me. Anyway, most people (see previous parenthetical reference) also have that one friend who deserves to get punched because they're a provoking asshole. Now here's how you can tell if you're a reasonable person or not. If that asshole friend gets punched in the face by some stranger, do you get up and help them or do you shrug and continue your inane conversation about Joss Whedon (feminist or chronic virtue signaler? (that's your inane conversation and not mine. Remember that I'm a writer, dum-dum))? If you defend your friend even though you know they deserve it, you're the kind of person who would make excuses and apologize for a terribly stupid person in power (who I won't name because if your in the United Kingdom, that gives you an opportunity to think maybe I'm talking about one of your dumb people in power like May or Johnson or Farage (does he still have any power? It's hard to stay connected when all of your panel shows are on hiatus or unavailable on YouTube)). But if you let your friend take a punch or two (you can step in if it goes much further because, remember, you're supposed to be a reasonable person), it shows you are a perceptive and thoughtful person who is able to see all sides of an issue. Sometimes your asshole friend deserves to get punched in the face. Maybe they'll learn something.

I have a feeling that Nightwing might be punching some assholes in the face in this series. Although I'm also feeling a bit of trepidation about reading this book. I've had enough of comic book stories about groups of people who rally around a leader that wants to destroy a particular group of people simply because they're different. You might think I say that because I'm tired of the real world but I don't care about what's happening in the real world when I say that. I'm just sick of reading this story over and over again in my fucking comic books. Didn't the X-men say it well enough fifty years ago? Do we have to keep revisiting this shit? How about superhero comic books stop holding up a mirror to our real world prejudices just to show how one hero stands up for what's right and maybe show a whole world of people who choose to do what's right rather than acting like scared, idiotic children? How about being truly uplifting rather than depressing and, well, repetitive?

This issue begins with a scene from twelve years ago where Dick has murdered the Justice League and Doomsday and Captain Cold and Cheetah and, I think, Gorilla Grodd. I guess everybody with superpowers. I don't remember that happening twelve years ago so this comic book must take place in the future. Superman is all, "Dick! Why did you kill me and Hawkman? Well, I mean, I get why you killed Hawkman. What a provoking asshole! But why me?! I gave you your name, you ungrateful cocktease!" And Dick is all, "I had to save the world." That's really what he says in the comic book. The Superman stuff I mostly made up. Surprising, right?

So there you have it! A story about how normal people feel people with super powers are a threat to the world instead of a being the inspiration they were meant to be! It really is the worst take on the superhero genre. I don't want to be reminded that most people have negligible self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy so dense only Stephen Hawking could truly describe it to a layman.

The narrator mentions parents so the story will probably be told from Nightwing's kid's point of view, since this takes place in the future's future. Nightwing's kid is probably a closeted superhero who can't be their true self because their father is a fascist asshole. Why Nightwing, of all the heroes in the DC Universe, would become a person who thinks superheroes are dangerous, I have no idea. I'm sure I'll find out though if I keep reading! I bet he lost somebody he loved or at least respected as a father figure who couldn't quite give him the love he needed because he was aloof and dressed as a bat.

According to Nightwing's kid (who is almost certainly a lesbian. It's like those television court shows. If the judge is a white female, the bailiff must be a black man. So Nightwing has the hetero white male covered. That means his kid needs to be the opposite. Although is lesbian the opposite of that? Or is gay male the opposite? Maybe an asexual would be the opposite of Nightwing because I bet he gets so much pussy!), Nightwing saved the world in 2028. That means, according to my calculator (which is on my watch because I'm fancy), this story takes place in 2050. I mean 2040! Stupid fat fingers and tiny buttons.

Really, Nightwing? I figure we allow the people we care about the most to make their own decisions, even if we disagree? But then, that's just me. I guess in the eyes of The New Order, I'm just an apathetic apologist!

That quote will come back to haunt Nightwing because Nightwing's kid is going to be, "I really care about my dad! I care so much about him that I have to make the hard decision of punching him in the face while his friends stand by and think, 'Yeah. He deserved that.'" Basically in 2040, the pendulum has swung back and Dick Grayson is, once again, the worst character in the DC Universe. Marv Wolfman would be proud.

The story is about how good people can come to believe in terrible things. I'm pretty perceptive to have figured that out so quickly. Also the kid says, "Eventually, I learned how even good people can come to believe in really terrible things." It's kind of like that time I found out that my friend Doom Bunny liked Ally McBeal. I should have written a comic book about that.

In 2040, cities don't have police. They have Wings! It's not as delicious as it sounds unless you enjoy night sticks and super power suppressants.

He's talking about the original Dr. Light. Who cares about his light powers! Maybe worry more about keeping him away from kids?

After dealing with work and celebrity life and ignoring how he's become an asshole, Dick heads back home to Wayne Manor where Alfred is making dinner with his son Jake. I know Jake isn't a lesbian but that's because this is probably a red herring. There's no way a kid Jake's age develops the voice that the narrator is using. That kind of bitter disappointment in one's parents only really comes from an adult perspective (or late teen, most likely. Since she'll probably be leading the Teen Titans against this fascist police state Grayson has set up. I bet she's the child of Dick and Helena). Jake is like twelve.

See? Lesbian daughter! How dare you doubt a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader?

Since nobody says "daughter" or "sister" in the entire conversation (just the pronoun "she"), that bit is probably another red herring to make the reader think he's talking about Jake's mother and the voice is still Jake's. But I don't fall for red herrings! Herring is gross.

Alfred tries to point out that Richard is being an asshole. I would have said "being a dick" but he has that stupid name and it would have sounded like I was punning. But Dick is all, "I have to put people like Superman and Wonder Woman in stasis! It's the only way to make everybody safe! Safety first! Freedom worst!" But Alfred is all, "Bruce's death may have turned you into a fascist fuckmonster but I will never agree with you! Or respect you! Or make you waffles!"

Okay fine! I was wrong about the lesbian daughter! The narrator is Jake! It's just it's Jake from even further in the future than 2040. And his mother wasn't Helena because, apparently, she was hurt by Dick Grayson's anti-meta(l)-gene bomb that took away most of the powers. I guess she's the "she" he and Alfred were talking about. I'm not shocked that I was wrong. I'm just shocked that Kyle Higgins would give a white male superhero a white male son to rebel against him. What year is this? Nineteen-whitety-white?

Oh! I hope Jake's mother was Starfire! I mean, he's not brown and doesn't have green eyes or red hair and his boobs are pretty small. But maybe?!

I figured it out when I read the cover! Except for the lesbian daughter part. Based on DC's apparent mission statement, I should have known it was about a son dealing with his daddy issues.

So it turns out that in 2040, Jake gained super powers. That's why the narrator sounds like an adult because he's speaking from the future future's future. He probably, as I said earlier about the lesbian daughter who apparently doesn't exist (dammit), founded a new group of Teen Titans to bust his father's ass. I still don't know who Jake's mother is though. Jake's power manifests as red eyes that make red squiggly lines. So maybe Jake's mother was Darkseid? I mean Grail!

What Did We Learn?
I feel when I read something, I should learn something. And if I'm going to write about things and make stupid jokes (like the joke about how I thought Dick had a lesbian daughter which you totally fell for. As if I really thought something that was eventually proven to be wrong. Ha ha! You're so gullible! Also credulous! And naive!), I should probably walk away a little wiser than I began. It's tough to learn things from every issue of a comic book you read though because the story takes a few issues to finish. How am I supposed to know the lesson I should learn after just the first issue? Well, that's another benefit of comics! They really fucking telegraph where they're going. Maybe it's because we, the audience, are idiots and they don't want to lose any of us. Or maybe it's just that no matter how hard comic book writers try to make a good book, an editor will walk over and stick a dick in their notepad and be all, "Write it this way, dum-dum!" Anyway, here's what we're going to learn from this title (I'm telling you so you can save twenty bucks): prejudice cannot survive in the face of love of family! Dick might feel a little bit bad that he's hurting people with his terrible laws but he won't really understand how badly he's harming them until he has to punish his own son for simply being who he is. At the end of the book, Dick's son apologizes to Dick for having superpowers. See? Dick should already feel awful that he caused his son to feel shame simply for being who he is! Dick will try to get his son to go on the inhibitor medication but his son will rebel. They'll battle in the good ole Oedipal way which will end in the collapse of Dick's police state and the freedom of everybody! But Dick will not be allowed to live after this transgression. He'll die in his son's arms as he repents his sins. Also Jake's mother will appear at some point and hug Jake.

Batman Eternal #52

This is the end! The end of our super fucking Goddamned long story! This is the end!

I hope every other page of this comic is a new super villain revealing that they were really behind it all! And then on the last page, Bat-mite will will reveal himself as King of Gotham! The end of Issue #50 revealed Cluemaster as the person behind all of the chaos. Then at the ending of Issue #51, Owlman (Lincoln March Version) took advantage of the situation and killed Cluemaster so that he could have a friendly chat with his brother. I'm pretty sure the last time these two saw each other, they left on friendly terms. Or it could have been the opposite of that with Lincoln March stamping his foot and yelling "Mom always loved you best!" before bursting into tears and disappearing into the sewers. I have no idea what he's been up to since then.

Here's one thing I do know that has zero chance of happening! Batman needs to take responsibility for his part in the devastation of Gotham. This was all about getting revenge on the Dark Knight. And while I'm not one to usually blame the victim, I think Batman needs to realize that perhaps killing his enemies might not be such a bad idea! What's one Cluemaster versus all of the people who died recently thanks to Cluemaster's plot? I'm not even pro-death penalty! But Batman might want to do a little soul searching before he points out to yet another person that he doesn't kill. Did his explosives that he doesn't kill with kill any police officers during this riot? Oh, you know what? I think they did! Perhaps it's irresponsible to leave dangerous weapons lying around all over the city! It's probably also not a great idea to have rockets and machine guns on your vehicles that you just spray all over the goddamned place. You know how much collateral damage he might have caused if the missiles he shot into that ghost in Gotham By Midnight #5 would have simply passed right through the ghost and into a skyscraper behind it? My god, man! Perhaps it's time to go back to just the simple, non-explosive Batarangs, you know what I mean? Take it down a notch! Breathe, buddy!

This issue begins "many months ago" so that we can see how Cluemaster got the money together to pull a scheme like this. And also who he got to work Pagemaker to get those invitations looking as boring a possible.

Anyway, it's the Night of the Owls or whatever and Cluemaster has just parked his car and is walking down the street on his phone. I haven't read any of this but I suddenly had to look a page ahead to see if Lincoln March was going to come crashing down on the hood of Cluemaster's car. That would have been a cool way for them to meet! Unless Lincoln fell on an ambulance back during the Evening of Talons. It's been awhile and I don't rightly recall all the pertinent details.

Arthur has come looking for the Court of Owls to finance his plan to destroy Batman. He's figured out that they're at Harbor House (which makes him about as good a detective as ten year old Bruce Wayne) and he pays them a visit. Too bad they're all dead already.

Ha ha! That whole "who?" thing never gets old when you're a member of the Court!

So Lincoln March becomes Cluemaster's angel investor for the Kill Batman Dead App. It turns out not to work as planned since it gets right up to the moment where Batman dies and then it crashes. So Lincoln March kills the app (and its creator) and takes matters into his own talons.

While Lincoln and Bruce go crashing off the Beacon Tower and into a video billboard, the Batfamily continues to save people from the fires. They're probably thinking that they'll be able to rest after this and not have to battle an endless waves of Jokerfied citizens. But the jokes on them because!

Everybody is doing fine except for Jason Todd who gets his ass trapped under a bunch of rubble. The building he's in is collapsing and he's not being written by Scott Lobdell so he's actually fallible. He even thinks he's in trouble instead of acting like an arrogant big shot with no fear! Maybe that's not actually Jason Todd under the mask. Or else Tynion IV doesn't know how to write him! According to all the idiots who like Lobdell's version of Red Hood and the Outlaws, they'd agree that Tynion can't write him or Harper worth shit.

Jason wants to tell Bruce something and I bet it begins with Ilo and ends with ou and has vey in the middle!

Bah! I've read this speech before, Lincoln. It's what that fucking Buster Friendly tried to pull to get everybody to stop believing in Mercerism in that book about androids counting sheep. Proving the thing they believe in isn't what they thought doesn't stop them from believing in the thing! Hell, Batman will have so many imitators once people find out that he was billionaire Bruce Wayne!

Just as Lincoln March is trying to convince himself that Batman will be forgotten (because Bruce isn't going to buy into that idea), monitors all over the city begin displaying the bat signal. And Commissioner Gordon begins speaking over the apparently city-wide sound system rigged up for...I don't know...amber alerts?

Gordon fires up a bunch of Bat-signals and asks that everybody become Batman for the night! Throw on whatever leather gear you've got lying around (except the gimp suit with the ball gag. Just...just leave that in the footlocker at the end of your bed, okay?) and rush out into the burning streets to save the day! Gordon is all, "Somebody thinks they can kill the Batman?! We're all Batman!"

I hate you Barbara. You know how Red Hood is going to thank you for saving his life? He's going to continue to appear in Scott Lobdell comic books. Ugh.

It's about time Calvin Rose turned up again. But just for a brief visit. I'm not ready to once again start reading a monthly title with him as the lead.

Talon isn't the only person helping out. There's also Batwoman and Black Canary and Katana and Killer Croc and that nobody who saves Spoiler's life and probably a lot more nobodies who decided to take Gordon literally and become Batman for the night.

Bruce Wayne is about to be killed even after Lincoln March realizes the city is a little bit more enamored with the bat than he realized. But that's when Spoiler comes back to kick his ass! Somehow. I mean, she's just a young woman and he's an immortal killing machine. But she does sucker punch him with a can of paint followed by a right hook. I bet it causes him to have a flashback to that night she walked in on Lincoln meeting with Cluemaster and his pals.

Or he just looks up and comes face to face with the entire Bat-Family. Except for Nightwing. He's dead, remember? Wink wink!

Kate's doing the Nightwing squat in honor of Dick. You'd think she'd be the last person to care about Dick, if you know what I mean! You know, because she hardly knew him.

Lincoln March escapes into the sewers where he'll probably be eaten by Killer Croc. The end!

Except it's only the end of the madness. The comic continues a week later with a few shots of Vicki Vale's ass. I should probably read the word balloons and see why she and Jason Bard are talking so much. I bet it has to do with her tight pants.

Vicki wrote an undergraduate thesis on James Joyce and then went into journalism? I hope that means something so that I sound super smart!

Jason Bard decides to come clean so that when Vicki Vale publishes the tell-all story of Jason Bard, he'll look a little bit better on account he cooperated. Plus everybody will know his name after that and he can open up a private investigations business.

And then Selina gives Batman a call on the Bat-Signal so that she can let him know, once and for all, to fuck off with his Goddamned stupid motherfucking lectures every other fucking night.

I really hope Selina's done with him but Batman keeps pining for her. That's the relationship I've wanted between these two since they fucked in Catwoman Issue #1. Why can't Batman be the chaser for awhile?

In the what about all that weird shit in Arkham epilogue, Corrigan lets Batwing know that shit is about to get freaky in Gotham for awhile thanks to all that Deacon Blackfire bullshit. He also invites Batwing to join the Midnight Shift. He obviously didn't sign up for their first adventure but now that Sister Justine has taken one for the team, there's an opening!

Barbara hangs out with her dad for awhile while Jason Todd takes a break at the best bar in Gotham City, Noonan's. He's totally pining over Babs now. What a sap!

Stephanie moves in with Harper and Cullen so that she can have awkward moments with Red Robin when he climbs though a window. He just came to check up on the news Bat-kids and to give Stephanie the only information they have on Lincoln March. They found some of his costume in the sewers but that's it. Somebody else got to him first. And since they didn't find pieces of Lincoln in his costume, it wasn't Killer Croc.

It was, of course, the Court of Owls.

One rule, Lincoln! One rule! "Do not shit where you fucking sleep!" You hike that ass up over the nest's edge and projectile shit, buddy!

Jim Gordon is no longer commissioner. Maggie Sawyer has that job now. But now Jim gets to be a vigilante and fight side by side with Batman! And Jim gets to use a gun! I wonder if Batman forces him to load it with tiny little Batarangs?

Batman Eternal #52 Rating: No change. And that's the end! Cluemaster was the Evil Mr. Smarty Pants and Lincoln March was just his financial backer. But, like most financial backers, he just couldn't keep his hands off of the project. It's too bad, really. Because that idiot Lincoln March saved Batman's life by killing Cluemaster before he could pull the trigger. Oh well. Now Lincoln March has been locked up in an ice coffin by the Court of Owls.

So what are the big changes to the Bat-Family after this year long spectacle? Jason Todd finds himself in love with Barbara Gordon. Babs may or may not love him but I bet she wouldn't mind him being her first fuck. Harper Row and Stephanie Brown are the newest additions to the little group as Bluebird and Spoiler. Red Robin and Spoiler have a flirtation beginning. Alfred lost his hand. Oh wait. That was the other big Batman thing going on. Um, Alfred's daughter has learned the ropes good enough that she can take her dad's place anytime he wants to take a vacation to Thailand. Maggie Sawyer is now the commissioner. Jason Bard is going to become a Private Eye. Selina is sick to fuck of Batman and his holier than thou attitude. She's embracing her means of helping the city which is, really, about as illegal as all the shit Batman pulls so what the fuck is his problem? I don't know where Damian was. Maybe the Batman and Robin Annual will clear up the timeline a bit.

Oh, and Gotham is fucking screwed. I hope Bruce Wayne donates a good chunk of his cash to the city to help rebuild. Wait, did he lose all of his money in this thing? Goddammit Bruce!

Batman Eternal #51

Has the Cluemaster been using his code at all during this series? You know the code! The one Dick mentions in the best September Futures End book, Futures End: Grayson #1?

If Batman is the World's Greatest Detective, how come he couldn't figure out Cluemaster was behind it all? I have my theories, being a Junior World's Greatest Detective thanks to my Trixie Belden World's Greatest Detective Home Study Course. My first theory is that Batman doesn't take Cluemaster seriously and so never considered him. My second theory is aliens. My third theory is that Project Cloverleaf is a real government project whose goal is to get homeless people and AM Radio Talk Show Enthusiasts to believe in chemtrails so that they stop paying any attention to anything else that's really happening. My fourth theory is that the person behind it all has yet to be revealed and Batman knows exactly who it is (hint: Earth-3 Superwoman's infant. Or Lincoln March. Or The Outsider. Or Red Skull. Or Owlman (non-Lincoln March version)) but he figured he needed to fall for Cluemaster's trap to lure the real bad guy out into the open. Batman is involved in one of those Harvest plans where he fails completely but it was all part of the plan to ultimately save the day!

Just suck his dick already.

Arthur Brown, you really are a small time criminal idiot. You're not supposed to want Batman's attention! He's not the father who abandoned you! You don't need his love to prove your worth! He's a guy trying to stop criminals from stealing shit and hurting people. You're a guy trying to steal shit and hurt people. You're supposed to avoid his notice, you fuckdummy! This is why I told you to suck his dick already. People think The Joker is in love with The Batman because everything he does has to involve The Batman. But do you think The Penguin wants Batman's balls in his mouth? Fuck no! He'd rather Batman left him alone completely! If your entire plan was to kill Batman so that he doesn't interfere with your crime sprees anymore then just fucking kill him already. But forcing him to acknowledge your existence? That's fucking pathetic. You're a joke, Cluedoucher.

Cluemaster unmasks Batman and is all, "Bruce Wayne! I knew I recognized those nipples and that curving, succulent bulge from somewhere. Now put your rich man dick in my mouth! Love me, Bruce Daddy! Love me!"

My dad left when I was two so I'm not sure if I'm portraying the love between a son and his father correctly. Do you suck dick immediately or is there a little ass play involved first?

Selina isn't really thinking about it. She has this weird idea that they can make more money by saving Gotham and keeping it safe then by pillaging it of anything valuable and razing it.

Back on the beacon, Cluemaster finally gets his chance to do one of those super villain monologues he's always been denied. He says so many words that he must be using the Codemaster Clue! Let's see..."Wtyk toouwdmtal wholuapnawt. Ironiiwtnooojbs Tbcbotc Imajomo." Hmm. Is that Tamil?

Cluemaster mentions how he once read this comic book called Knightfall and got the great idea to create lots of chaos so that he could pull some cool heists while Batman was involved with lots of other chaos. Then at the end of it all when Batman was too tired to defend himself, Cluemaster would break him! But his story goes on so long that...SURPRISE!...Batman escapes from the chains!

Cluemaster probably has such a huge boner right now. This is always what happens to the A-Listers! He's made the big time!

Bruce had better hope that the bat symbol carved on his chest doesn't scar or else he'll never be able to take his shirt off in front of another woman! Although there was that night where those small time crooks wounded by Batman went around branding everybody with Bat symbols, so he can always pretend he was one of the victims that night. Or he can just assume that the kind of women Bruce Wayne dates will simply think it's cute that he has a scarification bat symbol on his chest.

While Batman and Cluemaster battle, some mysterious figure arrives downstairs and gasses the other Secret Society of Super-Villain members. I bet it's Alfred Pennyworth! Or The Joker! Or somebody in-between those two extremes! I think I covered all the bases there, right?

Although the scene before this that I didn't mention had Harper fighting for the city while Spoiler was apparently ditching it. So it's probably Spoiler. Especially since the one Secret Society guy that I don't recognize recognizes her. And since Cluemaster knows Bruce's identity, he kind of has to die now, doesn't he? And it's kind of appropriate that Spoiler finally chooses what side she's on by killing her dad. Bruce will be totally conflicted about that!

Or, you know, it could be whoever this guy is!

Batman Eternal #51 Rating: No change. I hope the final issue ends with Earth-3 Superwoman's baby floating up behind Owlman (Lincoln March version) and slitting his throat just like Owlan did to Cluemaster in this issue! I suppose that only makes sense if Geoff Johns writes Batman Eternal #52. Since this is mainly a Scott Snyder jam, I think we've reached the top of his Batman villain pyramid. And since these guys are brothers, I hope next issue is just twenty pages of one long hug.

Batman Eternal #50

And the evil jerk behind it all was an old man wearing a Jason Bard mask!

Being that this is issue #50, I'm hoping something important is revealed. Like maybe who is behind all of the recent invitations to trash Gotham City? I'm still hoping it's Crime Syndicate Superwoman's baby.

Last issue, Batman flew a jet plane into Bane's chest. But don't worry. Batman doesn't kill. He knew that flying thousands of pounds of metal full of fuel at a high speed directly into Bane's chest wouldn't even knock Bane out. Although did he know that no citizens would be standing nearby who might be hit by shrapnel? What about the fires started from the fuel exploding? How the fuck does Batman take into account all of this shit so that he can strut around declaring that he's never killed anybody?! Bane must have a concussion, at the very least. And that could lead to death! Fucking Batman is an asshole. Maybe that time Nocenti wrote him kicking Catwoman off of her motorcycle where she landed face first into the freeway going sixty miles per hour was a spot on characterization of Batman! I was completely wrong to criticize her.

After kicking Bane in the face for good measure because you can't have too many concussions at once, he informs Pennies-One and Two that he's going to end this bullshit. Does that mean he's finally figured out who's behind it all? It's Catwoman, right? She's just trying to get Bruce tired and confused so he'll finally fuck her out of the Batman suit.

But first Batman needs to get more of his frustrations out.

I'm sure The Scarecrow can survive being thrown off the top of a cathedral.

While Batman gives the Scarecrow the proverbial dose, Firebug or whatever flies around setting buildings on fire. And Rat-Catcher is sending rats all over the city. And Signalman is still fucking with the signals. It seems the Secret Society of Super-Villains have turned their sights on Batman for some reason. There must be secret ancient pirate treasure buried somewhere under the city.

Next on his list of Batkids to help is Bluebird. After crashing a jet into Bane and filling Crane full of heart attack inducing fear toxins, he electrocutes Mr. Freeze with some fallen power lines. Jesus Christ, Batman. What are you going to do to the Joker's Daughter when you help out Batgirl? Crack her skull open with a crowbar?

But first he has to save Red Robin's ass by freezing Clayface solid. That might be the least brutal thing he's done all night and it's still deadly! Although Clayface is a kind of impossible magical golem thing so freezing solid is probably no big deal.

Does Batman trust Batgirl the most or did he realize, like everybody except Amanda Waller, that Joker's Daughter is just a confused kid with no fucking fighting skills at all?

Alfred passes along an invite to Batman to strip naked and sit on the Batsignal to watch the city burn with the culprit behind this entire mess. Batman is flummoxed but apparently all the readers have guessed the twist because they're greater detectives than the World's Greatest Detective! If only I'd finished my Trixie Belden Home Detective Course, I might know who the vile jerk behind it all is as well! Maybe it's Sportsmaster? Or a Sportsmaster that loves to give out clues? Like some sort of a clues master?

I hope it's Superwoman's baby.

Batman reaches the Batsignal and falls into a trap where he's electrocuted. That's when the Evil Mister Smarty Pants reveals himself!

Suprise! It's the guy who drives the zamboni at the Gotham Blades Hockey Arena.

Batman Eternal #50 Rating: -2 Ranking. Somebody go back through all fifty issues of Batman Eternal using the knowledge you've gained from your Trixie Belden Home Detective Course and see if all the clues always led to Cluemaster! I don't buy it. This smacks of a cheat! It feels like the only clues given that Cluemaster was behind it all were all given in the helicopter last issue with Spoiler. Is that why Spoiler told Harper that Bruce Wayne was behind it all? Because she wasn't quite sure that she wanted to out her father yet? Is that why Spoiler used "literally" when she mentioned she wanted nothing to do with him?! That was the biggest clue of them all, I think!

I think sometime around Issue #34, Scott and James were eating cold Pop Tarts while watching porn together when one of them came and the other one said, "What if the person behind it all was the first person the comic book focused on?" Then one of them choked on a Pop Tart and said "Brilliant!" as the other one came. Or it could have all been planned from the beginning. It was always likely to be a shitty fucking villain that nobody would bother to guess because guessing that character would just be too boring. Now I wish it had been Sportsmaster!

Batman Eternal #49

So crashing a military plane into Bane isn't murder?

I am furious with technology right now. The ceiling of my office almost had a fist-sized hole in it due to my frustration with either my computer or every web browser in existence. But I learned in my anger management classes that I pretend I took that hitting something that wasn't the cause of your anger will only get you thrown in jail. Also hitting the thing that is the cause of your anger will get you thrown in jail. Did you realize that violence is actually frowned upon? Isn't this America?! I'm fairly certain that the Seventeenth Amendment gives me the right to solve problems with violence.

So I dumped Firefox a few weeks ago because it was slowly stealing away my life in tiny increments as I waited for the browser to stop "not responding" after every fucking time I interacted with it. Now Chrome is sucking away my soul in much the same way which is why I'm beginning to look side-eyed at my computer. Is it really time for a new laptop?! Fucking technology. Stop changing so rapidly. Or if you are going to change this rapidly, can you please supply me with a laptop that evolves along with software capabilities? Thanks!

When you have issues with technology, who do you pray to? Isn't God just like, "Um...I don't know. Did you try turning it off and then on again? How about sacrificing your first born child? No, no! Not Isaac, you idiot! Ishmael! I'm beginning to see your problem now! You don't follow directions!" Of course that's a scene based on Western religious texts. Of course Ishmael was the one taken up the mountain to be sacrificed if you're reading the Quran. Although the Quran doesn't help its cause by not specifically naming the child. In the King James Bible, God tells Abraham to take his only son Isaac. See? That book made sure to name Isaac so nobody would be confused but Abraham never had an only son that was Isaac. The only time he had an "only son" was with Ishmael before Isaac was born. So somebody got this scene wrong and I don't want to be a blasphemer so I won't say God was that somebody! My bet is on the western peoples trying to kick Ishmael under the rug.

You know who else has "sacrificed" a "son" to a "madman"?! That's right! Batman! That's also right! I just called God a madman!

This issue begins with the riot in Blackgate. Sealing Jim Gordon away in Blackgate hasn't worked out according to plan. So now the Evil Mr. (or Mrs.) Smarty Pants behind this whole Batman Eternal thing wants Jim dead. And he's using The Penguin to do his (or her!) dirty work.

Although The Penguin is still just a little runt that goes "WAUGH!" as he gets his ass beat.

Look, Jim. Stop trying to be Rorschach. You're no Rorschach. Hell, you're barely even Nite Owl! You're not even the Holland Mason version of Nite Owl which is the worse version because he's older and sexually frustrated. And it's not like every comic book fan that doesn't want to be called a fake comic book fan doesn't already know that whole "you're in here with me" line! It was the best line Kelly ever delivered! I wish he had said it during the big game against the Yankees!

Jim hogties The Penguin to prep him for interrogation. Gordon is going to find out who The Penguin is working for or else I'm going to have to keep buying this comic book for a few more months. I'm finally pro-torture! Please get the information out of him however you can, Jim, just so I can save a few bucks not having to buy more of these comic books.

Meanwhile, the Batkids need Batman's help! Penny-Three has completely fucked them and now they're all up against the ropes trying to defeat villains all over Gotham. Also, Penny-Three is Hush. And he might be losing his job soon because Penny-Two has found a new Batcomputer in Red Robin's secret hangout, The Robin's Nest. Jesus, Tim. Do you have to do everything like Batman?

Spoiler spoils my good time by throwing in a superfluous literally.

I complain about the overuse of "literally" a lot but I want to make something clear. I don't care if it's being used "correctly" or not. The problem is that it's being overused for no purpose whatsoever. It's the current "very" of our lexicon. It's simply being added every time somebody wants to add some kind of emotional weight to their statement. It's akin to saying something is very unique. At this point, the speaker has decided that the literal definition of unique doesn't exemplify the uniqueness of the item in question. So you add very to make the listener aware of just how unique the item in question is. Of course, unique itself already takes care of that. So now instead of eating breakfast five minutes ago, people "literally ate breakfast five minutes ago." Um. Okay. Good for you! You've changed nothing in that statement! The only thing you've accomplished by adding "literally" to that statement is making me vomit in my mouth a little bit. Now if that was your intended goal, kudos! You used the word appropriately!

I also understand that I'm probably in the minority and that it's simply a pet peeve of mine. Using literally figuratively or literally doesn't bother me so much as how many people use the word as a crutch in their every day language. But most people probably never even notice because it has become so ubiquitous. I figure it'll be around for awhile and then some new word will crop up in its place to express urgency and excitement whenever you tell stories about the most mundane things you've experienced during your day. "No, you don't get it! I literally sat at the light for less than a second before the guy began honking his horn and literally gave me PTSD!"

Back at the Batcave, Penny-Three learns that you don't fuck around with Penny-One and Penny-Two.

But is this just part of the Ultimate Bad Guy's Master Plan?! Or is Hush really down for good?

The Radio Free Gotham comes back online with Penny-One and Penny-Two playing all the rock-n-roll hits of yesterday and today but not quite in time. The Batkids are all having trouble dealing with their threats. But luckily Batman decides to reenact the cover on the last page of the book. Surprise! The thing on the cover was true and it spoiled the ending! But since most covers never show things that actually happen in the comic book, it's not really a spoiler because did anybody actually expect Batman to fly a jet into Bane?

Batman Eternal #49 Rating: No change. Characters keep mentioning how things are nearly at an end but things aren't ending! When is Batman going to be naked and tied to the Batsignal while Gotham burns? Probably fairly soon since Gotham is currently burning. I bet Mirage is behind it all! What if Snyder and the Gang reveal the culprit is an entirely new enemy?! That would piss off everyone! I would love it!

Batman Eternal #47

I suppose it was only a matter of time before Hush escaped. They probably shouldn't have been feeding him.

Last issue, Batman crossed Ra's al Ghul off the list of potential bad guys. I think he's out of bad guys to blame! He's even crossed Crazy Quilt and the Ten-Eyed Man off that list! Unless the bad guy is Bat-mite, I think Batman needs to start interrogating his friends. Is Aquaman into pranking people?

This issue begins with Selina putting up her own Bat-signal. Actually it begins with Hush conflating dreams with nightmares but Hush is hardly ever worth talking about. And since he's on the cover, this is probably going to be a short commentary.

Batman is probably still busy in Pakistan, so Julia Pennyworth puts on a mask with a bat on it and heads off to discuss business with Selina Kyle. I guess Selina doesn't know how to conduct business when she's not constantly being lectured, so she tells Julia to go away. Julia decides going away is a worse option than kicking Selina's ass.

Catwoman is at a disadvantage when her combatant drops the fuck from the fuckfighting.

After losing the fight to Julia, Selina waits to see if Julia undresses her. When she doesn't, Selina simply gives Julia the information she had for Batman. Basically it amounts to "Get ready for Knightfall II: The Return of Knightfall!"

Batman returns to Gotham disappointed that he's not going to be battling Ra's al Ghul because that usually sells loads of comic books. But he'll be happy to learn that all of his usual enemies are loaded up with toys to create havoc in Gotham. That should kill a few hours.

Batman tells Julia that she needs to contact the rest of the Bat-family and she's all, "Duh! Already did. Don't worry about it!" Too bad Damian isn't back to life yet in this series. He'd get this mystery wrapped up in the snap of a neck.

Batwing takes on the Scarecrow who is using his gift to do the same old thing he always does and spray fear gas all over the citizens of Gotham. The only difference is he's using Waynetech drones to deliver the gas. Clayface is using his gift to film a movie as Batman since he was given Batman's cowl by the unknown benefactor. And Bluebird winds up tracking down Mr. Freeze who is building a frozen family moment from the fifties for him and his cryogenically frozen wife Nora. The first two match ups seem okay but Bluebird against Mr. Freeze? What's she going to do? Hack into his cold suit? Hmm, I bet that's exactly what she does!

How do they even know who The Joker's Daughter is? When did she become notorious?

As Julia begins getting updates from Red Hood, the lights in the cave go out and she's knocked unconscious. It seems Hush asked a pal to come by for a visit. Too bad Julia couldn't stay on the line just a few seconds longer because then she would have found out that Jason Todd loves huffing farted in, used gym socks. I think that's Seeley's commentary on how poorly Jason Todd has been written by Scott Lobdell in The New 52. He just seems like the kind of guy who loves farting in dirty socks and then sucking in the aroma.

Also, Jason Todd learns that the shipment he was following was a supersuit constructed for Bane. So now Bane is extra dangerous. Maybe since this is the Knightfall sequel, he'll get to break two bats this time!

Things aren't that serious if you're contacting a second rate Lois Lane.

Hush's friend isn't revealed this issue although it's somebody who knows Batman's secrets. I'm all out of guesses. Unless it's Aunt Harriet.

Hush launches Julia Pennyworth into Gotham Bay where she'll get to swim to the city and participate in Knightfall II. Hush mentions this is the eve of destruction so this comic book must be close to ending.

Batman Eternal #47 Rating: No change. For the most part, I've enjoyed this series for nearly a year now. But forty eight issues is a little much to introduce the back of a character's head in the first issue and then tease his (or hers! It might be Aunt Harriet!) identity for what equates to four years of monthly comic books. That's a long time to dangle a carrot! Most people after a month or two would be all, "Fuck this. It's just a fucking carrot anyway!" I suppose it's better than what's going on over in World's End where we know the outcome of that comic book so there's nothing to look forward to except the day when the comic book stops appearing in our pull boxes.

Batman Eternal #46

Fuck Ra's. He's more boring than Hush.

I'm not in the mood for your shit, Ra's al Ghul. So just say your piece by acting superior, point out to Batman that you're not behind all the bullshit in Gotham but even so, you certainly weren't going to fucking pass up the Wayne Enterprises Fire Sale when you saw all of their corporate assets suddenly listed on richassholes.craigslist.org.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy in her summer greenhouse talking to orchids. Unless that's Harley Quinn's vagina in her hand. No, no. It's definitely an orchid. I don't know why this scene begins the comic book. So that Poison Ivy fans know that Pam made it out of Gotham safely? Or is this just foreshadowing of a big Batman versus Poison Ivy arc in the pages of Batman which will take place after Batman Eternal is over? Poison Ivy isn't even wearing anything sexy. "What use is this scene?" comic book fans everywhere ask their limp dicks and their parched vaginas.
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Judging by the credits page, it looks like Poison Ivy might get more story on pages 7, 8, 17, and 20!

This issue is called "Batman... eternal?" because somebody thinks they're being clever.

Meanwhile, Batman is hunting down Ra's al Ghul because Batman found a bunch of clues. And being the World's Greatest Detective, he sometimes believes that he only ever finds clues and never ever finds red herrings. But I think he's on the wrong track this time. Ra's al Ghul as the big enemy? Pshaw! That's as obvious as finding raccoon turds in the kindergarten sand box.

Watch how you use this word correctly, boys and girls: "He can't mean that literally! Can he?!"

Look, what the fuck do I care? You can all keep on saying stupid shit like "I literally ate a candy bar two hours ago" or "I literally exploded from too much candy." It's literally no skin off my back.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Penitentiary, some inmate tries to pick up Selina Kyle as she passes through by saying, "Are those space pants you're wearing? 'cuz your..." but then he's cut off before he can finish. I assume the end of that line is "Because your ass can't breathe in a vacuum." My favorite pickup line is "Just touch it. Come on. Please."

Selina just ignores him because she has business with her father, Rex "Leo the Lion" Calabrese. But it's boring business so let's move on to Hush and Julia's scene.

Does Julia give Hush fresh bandages every day? Why does he need to keep his face wrapped? Did he cut off his face too?

Back in Pakistan, Ra's al Ghul proves that after living for centuries, the only thing left to say are cliches. So when Batman asks where Ra's al Ghul is, Ra's al Ghul cleverly responds, "Where I am is no longer the question. The question is...when? Ho ho ho hee hee hee. I'm so fucking clever and smarmy and evil." Ra's declares that they are now in Batman's future. So I guess Ra's built a silly funhouse to impress his favorite guest? Animatronic versions of possible future Batmans come sailing into the room on rails while Ra's describes them all for him. "Who will the future Batman be, hmm? Will you be replaced by a monkey bent on vengeance and banana lust? No? Perhaps a wee little teenaged girl with the first actual documented case of penis envy (it's a long story which I've been writing whenever I get a little bit of free time away from world domination)? Perhaps the future you will be my grandson? It will be, right? You're going to do right by that kid and not just abandon him, right! And while we're on the subject of Damian, I've got these cute little boots for him and a scabbard with a demon's head I knitted for him! Do you think he'll like it?"

Once Batman realizes he's just tripping in Ra's al Ghul's Funhouse of Bat-Terror, he notices Mr. Darrk and Lord Death Man have joined him.

I don't know what it is. I'm sure Lord Death Man gets on some people's nerves but I find I never can get enough of him. "Sally Batman"! Oh, that's rich.

Hmm. I think I'm beginning to have an inkling why I can't get enough of him. He's all, "I'm fucking wacky!" And I'm all, "Ha ha! You are, Lord Death Man! You are!"

I wasn't really feeling very good when I began this commentary but Lord Death Man has really picked up my spirits. I'm ready to go out and face the world now! Too bad it's one-thirty in the morning and there's no world to really face. Unless I want to go interact with a bunch of drunks down the street at Mulligan's.

After Batman breaks all of Lord Death Man's breakable body parts, Mister Darrk drags Lord Death Man back to his recuperation room while Ra's al Ghul gets to tell Batman that his detective work has been pretty fucking shoddy. As I pointed out earlier, he's not behind the destruction of Gotham City. If he were involved, at the very least, the Invitations would have been printed with a much fancier font.

He followed the clues! He found them all! Every last clue was his! But alas they were not clues at all. They were the humble red herrings! The humblest fish of them all! And also the detective's worst enemy.

Back in Blackgate, Rex digs up some dirt on the party being thrown in Gotham. Turns out all the local mentally ill ex-residents of Arkham have an angel. Their angel has purchased loads and loads of goodies to help them celebrate with Batman. Poison Ivy is one of them which is why she's cut down her Harley Quinn Vagina Orchids and planted a bunch of Crying Death Mask Lotus Blossoms instead.

Batman Eternal #46 Rating: No change. I was feeling rather shitty before reading this and now I'm feeling slightly less than shitty. The only problem is World's End is next and that knowledge is bringing my mood back down! Would anybody mind if my World's End #20 commentary wound up being a snapshot of it burning in a waste receptacle? I could go the extra mile and just get a picture of me taking a shit on it but I'd need another person to snap that photo and I don't think anybody wants to witness that.

Batman Eternal #45

[INSERT CAPTION HERE]

[EXPLAIN WEBSITE CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP HERE]

Hey. You people. This is Batman Eternal and shit. I'm your new bloghost or whatever, Derek "Fat Wallet" Markham. You can call me Fat Wallet because it's a nickname I thought up for myself due to my fat wallet full of cash and credit cards. I saw the money making capabilities of this website and bought it off of that fat fuck Grunion Guy. Man, what an idiot. I can't believe people enjoyed his blarting. Blarting is a cool word I made up. It's a combination of "blathering" and "sharting."

[MAKE FUNNY JOKES/SATANIC CHANTS/OBSERVATIONS/PROPAGANDA AS YOU READ. INTERSPERSE WITH SCANS FROM THE COMIC.]

Before I start this whole review thing or whatever, go purchase this lovely gift for the lonely Batman nerd in your life:

Batman Lunch Box

So the comic book begins with some tar baby versions of Martha and Jonathan Wayne bubbling out of the runway tarmac.

I got a real pain in the ass editor over here called my fucking wife and she's saying I can't use the term "tar baby" to describe these monsters formed out of fucking tar. How can I be descriptive if I can't describe exactly what is fucking happening? Get off my back, will ya?!

Batman beats up the tar monsters (there, are you fucking happy?). One of them is some dude named Mister Bygone. He's like some guy from The Cure or something, all sad and pale and shit. Batman punches him in the mouth and he crumples to the ground like a fucking pussy. Then Batman tries to save Milo from having a heart attack while the fucking Gotham Port Authority decides to put on their big boy britches and act like they're fucking heroes instead of what they really are: scumsucking lazy union leeches grifting their way into retirement.

Speaking of grifting, how about purchasing this super cool Grifter figurine for your writing desk at home? It probably gets as much use as my wife's writing desk I bought her for Christmas five years ago. Gonna write children's books, my ass. The longest thing she's written so far is a note bitching at me to clean up the fucking garage. And the only fiction she's ever written were her fucking wedding vows.

Super cool Grifter figurine!

Meanwhile some black guy in a bat suit is battling some Amityville Horror shit. I thought when them blacks saw a ghost, they just fucking took off the other way? Ain't it usually them white fucks that get their asses killed by ghosts cause they got no sense to get out when the staying in is terrifyingly scary? My mother just used ta live with weird ghost shit no matter what was going on. She'd hear some cupboards rattling and just yell out, "Hey! Quiet it down in there! I'm trying to watch Jeopardy in here! You ain't wanna make me get Presbyter Alexandro in here to make you quiet, enh?!" I don't even know who the fuck this Presbyter Alexandro fucking was. But it seemed a problem didn't exist that this fucker couldn't solve. It was always "Presbyter Alexandro this!" and "Presbyter Alexandro that!"

Some spooky guy named Jim Corrigan drops by this Luke Fox's house to talk about ghosts. Then they meet up with Batman in a cemetery to talk about what this Milo character knows.

Damn. I guess I ain't got no fucking Batman in a cemetery product tie-in to sell.

This Corrigan guy interrogated Milo before he knocked him out with one fucking punch. He learned he cast some kind of dream spell after some dream bird, an Owl or something, spoke to him and told him to fuck up Gotham real good with fucked up black magic and shit. But he still ain't the guy responsible for Batman's fucking headache.

Some chick named Harper tells this other chick named Spoiler that she kind of likes her. Now that comic book idea would be a money making monster. Chick super heroes fucking each other for twenty or thirty pages. But it would have to be online because who buys over the counter pornography anymore? It's fucking free on the internet. So the money would come from advertising shit like sex toys and more porn sites. If you want to get rich, some rich person I knew always said, you got to get your dick dirty. So why am I wasting my time buying up shitty little comic book sites like this? It may have a lot of eyeballs but what the fuck kind of eyeballs are they, right? They're kids and cheapskates, probably. And I'm supposed to keep up this shit two or three times a day just to advertise crappy comic book related trinkets? Fuck this. This is a lot of fucking work. Goddamned wife was right this time. "You ain't never gonna put no work in that shitty little site, you'll see! You like buying shit that might make you fucking money but you hate putting in the work." Yeah, yeah. Look who's fucking talking, woman.

That's the trick with making good fucking money on internet porn. Keeping your site clean of them fucking computer viruses! Those fuckers'll cost you money quicker than new perverts can find your site!

Some internet porn moguls think it's a good fucking idea to steal information with viruses. But I say it's better to make steady money honestly, month after month, than to try to get a lot of dishonest cash fucking quickly by abusing customers. Customers are king for a reason, fuckheads!

Finally, Batman decides that Ra's al Ghul must be behind the problems Gotham has been experiencing lately. So he's got to go beat his fucking ass and show him who the fucking boss of everything is.

Batman Eternal #45 Rating: [RAISE RANKS ON SNYDER/SOULE/SIMONE/FLETCHER/TOMASI BOOKS. LOWER RANK ON LOBDELL/BUNN/NOCENTI BOOKS. FLIP COIN FOR ALL OTHERS] Fuck this fucking shit. That fucking no-life Grunion Guy can have this site back for fifty percent off. What kind of chump is that guy? Who puts in this much work for no fucking money? That guy must have the skinniest wallet in America. That's his new fucking nickname. Skinniest Wallet. Har har! Fuck that guy. Fat Wallet out!

Batman Eternal #44

When is the glass going to become sentient and come after Batman to avenge all of its children he's killed?

I want a Bat-Passport like that guy with the Guy Gardner haircut! Where does it allow you to travel?

It's time for Course #4 in Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Detectivanting* School!

*Detectivanting is when you do detective work while gallivanting across the globe. It's a pursuit mainly for the rich and idle, and they tend to cause more trouble than they cure by their interference. They also do a lot of drugs, drinking, and fucking. I need to put a pitch together for Image Comics.

The Fourth Course is a visual crime scene analysis! That's super exciting because they make lots and lots of television shows out of that boring ass career choice! Here's the crime scene:

"Look at this, Trixie! Why would the local paper publish pictures of a recent crime scene still under investigation?" said Honey as she sexily pulled her underwear over her head. "What do you expect from a police force that relies on teenagers to solve their crimes?" replied Trixie as she traced a finger down the ever increasing soft, fuzzy hairs on Honey's midsection. "Besides," said Trixie as she shoved her other hand down the front of her own trousers, "This burglar can't even burgle! Look at all his mistakes!" Honey gasped and shuddered at Trixie's touch. "He must be really new at his job!"

As a Detectivant in training, my first order of business is to make the victim feel guilty. So I point out how he's an idiot leaving the combination to his safe right on his desk in plain view. Also, he shouldn't leave his wallet and $100 bills in plain sight of uncovered windows. That's just asking for trouble! And who installs a wall safe on the outside wall of their house?! That's easy access on the backside hanging out of the wall! Criminals don't even have to break into the house to break into that safe! Idiots! As for the burglar, her mistakes are obvious! She brought her cat along and it clawed up the wall safe and knocked over that cup of coffee. It dragged away one of the burglar's gloves to play with and the burglar didn't notice. Having to chase the cat around the room, the burglar stepped through the coffee spill and left footprints everywhere! Being distracted by her cat (I guess she took the whole "cat burglar" thing literally), she missed the car keys (for an easy getaway) and both Tiffany lamps! She also left behind her scuba snorkel which is going to be chock full of DNA! And last of all, she left a big hunk of her own skin torn off on the glass as she clambered out of the house. She was probably found half-bled out blocks away with her cat munching on her wound.

The Answers misidentify the burglar as a "he," so I know not to take them seriously. I was correct in all of my observations.

This issue begins with all the Arkhamites involved with the destruction of Arkham selling out the guy behind it all: Professor Achilles Milo, aka the guy on the cover with the Guy Gardner haircut.

Batman and the Batkids begin the search for Achilles while Bat-Satellites scan the city with facial recognition software.

My guess is he's here on 433th.

Meanwhile Batwing is beating up ghosts in his apartment which has become infested with them ever since he came back from his trip with The Spectre into a supernatural nightmare. One of the ghosts is Amadeus Akrham's mother. I hope he lets her stick around instead of punching her in the face with his new Nth Metal Knuckles. Luckily I just recently watched the episode of The Brave and the Bold where Batman beats up Gentleman's Ghost with his Nth Metal, so I'm in the loop about how it is the only useful weapon against spirits.

Spoiler has decided she doesn't want to hang around the Bat-Family since they're funded by Bruce Wayne and she knows Bruce Wayne is behind this entire attack on Gotham City. She's probably not wrong but she's also not exactly right, either. So now she and Harper get into a big fight while Cullen tries to play Double Dragon in the other room, constantly yelling at them to keep it down. He probably thinks they're just having sex. I think a stun gun sounds exactly like a vibrator.

Batman catches Milo at the Gotham International Airport and they have a big fight scene together. It's composed of two punches. One punch to Milo's face, and Milo punching the floor. Wait. I said that wrong! Dammit.

Milo gasses everybody in the airport with some kind of "I'm Going To Get You Fuckers" gas that makes everybody go crazy with blood lust. So while Batman is busy taking care of them, Milo escapes out onto the runway. But Batman's Batplane is watching the exits and catches up to him.

If Batman is so against guns, why is the Batplane equipped with two Gatling guns? Do they shoot explosive Batarangs which are much safer than bullets somehow?

As Batman tries to beat some information out of Achilles, Milo's drugs merge and reform into a bunch of ghostly, talking hands. They seem to think Batman is finally ready for the truth. Probably because this series is fast approaching the end and we've all waited long enough to find out what's going on.

Batman Eternal #44 Rating: No change. Almost exactly nothing happened this issue. Batman hunted down a person that was only introduced in this issue. And that was the extent of things! If you feel like you've already spent too much on this series, go ahead and take a break from buying this issue this week! Unless it's too late. Sorry I reviewed it four days after it was released.

Batman Eternal #43

Fighting crime is only Batman's second reason for patrolling at night. Voyeurism is the first.

Hush was a boring ass boring villain who was boring but he made sense as the main antagonist in this story because he knew Batman's secret identity. A lot of the shit going down is targeting Batman in such a way that the main antagonist must know a lot of Batman's secrets. Therefore the bad guy must be Owlman from the Crime Syndicate. Or Superwoman's baby. Oh man, how great would that reveal be!

This issue begins with Batman and Bluebird on patrol together. Did she pick that name simply so Batman has to think of happiness every time he calls her by name? Did she choose the name to make fun of Batman's depression? "I'm happy go lucky and cute and you're a big sourpuss grumpface!"

Bluebird's second assignment is to keep Stephanie Brown safe. Her first assignment, judging by the eyeball comment, was to read Batman's Big Book of Things You Can Do To Villains That Aren't Technically Killing Them.

Since last issue ended with Catwoman capturing Stephanie and this issue begins with Stephanie in Batman's clutches (in a good way. Not that good of a way, sicko!), Batman #28 must have happened between Batman Eternal #42 and Batman Eternal #43. It mostly makes sense if you go back and read it now. Plus Batman leaves a clue in his dialogue when he says there are 43 people on the floor of Selina's casino! See? He's telling you when to read Batman #28! Unless it was Bluebird who counted the people. I just reread it and I can't remember!

Spoiler has been left with Cullen in "one of the safest buildings in Gotham." Is it the 900 block that was full of Man-Bats some time back? Is it safe because it was built upon an ancient Micmac burial ground? Perhaps it's the most rundown part of Gotham and owned by Bruce Wayne who is keeping it rundown so that none of the crime families want anything to do with it but Batman still cleans out all of the street crime to keep it one of the safest and cheapest places to live in the city?!

Inside the safe house, Cullen and Stephanie pause in the middle of playing Double Dragon to discuss the different flavors of tea like black or the other ones.

Stephanie and Harper don't exactly get along because Harper wanted to be a sidekick so she buys into everything Batman is about but Stephanie was forced into being a costumed person just to stay alive and has also probably seen all of the injuries Batman has given her father over the years so she's a little bit anti-bat. Plus she just spent some time with Selina Kyle who probably dumped all of her Batman problems on her. Now I wish I was tied up in Catwoman's lair listening to her tell me all of her big fuckfight stories with the Batman!

The story is providing some flashback material to fill in the details surrounding the rescue of Spoiler in Batman #28.

Red Robin tells Harper the plan to find Catwoman's casino and to infiltrate it. All the right plot points are touched upon to explain why things happened the way they happened in Batman #28. Harper has to be the one to enter the casino since Catwoman has a scanner that will identify all known associates of Batman. So that explains why Batman went on this mission with Harper whom he chastises in the middle of the battle for having been training with his sidekicks. At least this version of the story gives us some scenes between Catwoman and Spoiler this time. I guess those...hee hee hee...scenes couldn't be shown before because they...giggle giggle...would have been...snicker snicker snicker...spoilers.

God I hate myself.

Selina is correct. As I've pointed out over and over and over and over again, everybody in DC Comics is motivated by Daddy Issues.

And then Batman #28 happens. I highly recommend pulling it out and giving it a jerk reread. It's not like it's needed since this story hits all the beats that need to be hit but I think it makes Batman and Harper's team-up more enjoyable. This whole scene is just lots of fun. I can't wait to see Harper and Damian working together!

Harper's take on the Spoiler rescue.

As we saw at the beginning of the issue, Spoiler goes with Batman. She doesn't plan on telling Batman all of her secrets for some reason but I'm sure she'll cave in time. Probably when she and Harper stop baring their fangs at each other and begin licking each other instead. That was a cat metaphor and not a sex thing, perverts!

Oh, and the licking happens fast once the cats are comfy on the couch.

Earth-3 Owlman! And his sidekick, Superwoman's baby!

Harper Row makes a good sidekick. I hope she continues to work with Batman and Robin as Bluebird. And I hope that she remains "in training" for a long time instead of just suddenly making her just as good at fighting and acrobatics as all of the other sidekicks. Every mission Batman goes on doesn't have to be the most dangerous mission ever. There are a lot of low level Gotham villains that would be perfect for Harper's skill level. Like all of the ones I can't think of right now other than The Mad Hatter who she already beat up. Except he's a fairly dangerous psychotic that may have already killed more residents of Gotham than even The Joker at this point! Harper was lucky she didn't get killed on her very first night wearing her Bluebird suit.

Batman Eternal #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue made a nice companion piece to Batman #28, filling in just the right amount of gaps, repeating scenes with just enough of a different perspective or dialogue to keep it fun and interesting, and it revealed all of the things that couldn't be revealed a year ago. And I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the manga/anime inspired art and the artist's tips of the hat to the genre. Everybody was just so cute it was disgusting.