Batman Beyond #5 And A Movie

Why is this a Gods and Monsters Batman cover?

Glancing through my Netflix recently watched scrollbar, I see I've watched quite a few movies since my last Batman Beyond Critique (is "critique" better than "review"? Because I don't really review the comic books I read and saying "reviews" always makes me feel like a slimy bastard). Let me comment briefly on all of them.

Would You Rather: This probably would have been more enjoyable with a more diverse set of Would You Rather Games instead of the whole "Would you rather hurt X with Y, or Z with I Messed Up Because There Is No Letter After Z But If There Were I Would Place It Here?" Maybe I would have liked it better if I wasn't distracted by screaming, "It's Crab Man!" and "That's Bob from Walking Dead!" and "It's The Penguin as a Douchebro!" and "Oh! Who is that guy? I fucking know that guy! He kind of looks like the weasel faced Upright Citizen's Brigade guy but it's not him! Oh! Oh! WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? It's right on the...OH! It's Peggy's journalist boyfriend from Mad Men!" Also I guessed the super twisty surprise ending somewhere around the time The Penguin was trying to rape the Pitch Perfect girl.

V/H/S: Viral: The least scary and interesting of the V/H/S movies so far. Although it did feature an alternate dimension where people had carnivorous genitals.

The Nightmare: A testimonial of sorts featuring people with sleep paralysis. Only one of the sufferers seems to view it in scientific terms while the others are wrapped up in the paranormal or religious mystery of their Sleep Paralysis Waking Dreams. It's interesting to compare them to schizophrenics in that they seem to (or feel the desire to?) believe that they're experiencing real phenomena that opens up the world to a more mysterious reality. But really they're just people who develop a kind of momentary schizophrenia while falling asleep or waking. The stories are fascinating. The need for meaning is not.

Monster Squad: I guess I saw this a long time ago when it first came out but I didn't remember it until watching the movie. It suffers from the fat kid trope where the fat kid is constantly eating. Plus everybody just calls him "fat kid." At one point, he staves off Dracula because he has a piece of garlic pizza stuffed inside his jacket in the way that all fat people always have a slice of pizza crammed into one of their pockets. I think characters say "fag" and "gay" a lot. At one point, Frankenstein takes a picture of the neighbor girl disrobing. One of the kids flashes the picture to her in order to blackmail her to tell them if she is a virgin or not (surprise twist ending: she isn't). I paused the Netflix to see the picture and it's a picture of her standing in front of a house fully clothed. Stupid PG movie.

Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell: This is a cheesy VHS movie from the late eighties that just strings together a bunch of sixties and seventies horror movie trailers. One trailer was for a movie called Africa: Blood and Guts. After all the fake, cheesy violence, it was disturbing that they'd throw in a trailer showing actual footage of wild animals and people being shot, as well as clips of real severed body parts and corpses. The tag line was "Every scene looks you straight in the eye...and spits!" It really wrecked my boner from the preview that was for a 3-D porn film.

Anyway. Batman Beyond, kids!

The entire future is a shit sundae not worth saving but Tim Drake is going to save it in a dusty suit of Honey Bunny Batman Armor anyway!

As Tim climbs into the Honey Bunny Batman Armor so that he can pretend he cares about saving this godawful future, he has a short conversation about Dick Grayson with Barbara Gordon. Most of it amounts to Dick and Babs liked each other but never got together (as far as Drake knows!). And some of it is actually nice dialogue by Dan Jurgens. I guess he's not too old to write something interesting or relevant on occasion.

Just imagine how Bruce felt when he realized Dick was also the perfect Batman.

Tim's plan is to take the fight out of Gotham and to the moon. If I were Tim, my plan would be to get bit by a vampire already, survive until the end of time gathering knowledge, take a time bubble back to the past, start an organization called NOWHERE which will gather up the best young super heroes in the world, and train them to defeat Brother Eye when he comes around. It should work out perfectly as long as his own young self and his team of teen misfits don't stop him!

But first Tim has to save Gotham and destroy Superman so that Superman doesn't grab his ankle to keep Tim from flying to the moon.

In the past, the Honey Bunny Bat Armor couldn't battle anybody without being shut down in five seconds or having its knee joints shot out. But now in the future, it's practically undefeatable against impossible to beat odds! I guess Batman made some improvements which the Powers Company didn't think of. During the battle, Matt McGinniss steals John Stewart's power ring.

Tim lures out Cyborg Superman (not that one) to distract him from the Moon Plan. But he also winds up attracting Cyborg Wonder Woman's attention as well. But then she attracts Micron's attention because he's a man, isn't he? I think he is. I don't know. Whatever. Cyborg Wonder Woman is so hot that everybody wants a piece of her.

Oh yeah, Micron! Wreck her!

Micron makes himself as large as possible and Wonder Woman's head blows off. He probably should have taken out Superman this way but maybe he felt awkward entering Superman through the only orifice Superman wouldn't have noticed.

Tim pops out of the Honey Bunny Bat Armor while Cyborg Superman is distracted, hops on Superman's back, and shoves Bruce's faithful kryptonite ring down Superman's throat. The only person able to dislodge it from Superman's throat via the Super Heimlich Maneuver is Superman! And now he's not so super because he has a kryptonite ring stuck in his throat! That's like ironic or a catch-22 or something. Maybe it's just a notably interesting conundrum?

Micron smashes Superman and it's over. With Cyborgs Wonder Woman, Superman, and Green Lantern taken out, there really aren't any DC super heroes left who can challenge Batman (even if it is only Tim Drake Batman in Jim Gordon's armor). Time to take the battle to the moon! But first they have to stop at an old Court of Owls property bought up by Bruce sometime in the last thirty years. Because hidden inside is the secret Macguffin that will help them destroy Brother Eye next issue! What is it?! I don't know! It's a secret until you pay another three dollars next month!

Where are all the magic using super heroes? They haven't all succumbed to cyborgism, have they? Did they all flee to hell in the House of Secrets and/or Mystery?

Batman Beyond #5 Rating: No change. Lately (and by "lately" I might mean since The New 52), a lot of DC's future or elseworld stories have been all idea and no story. I get the idea of coming up with the story about how Brother Eye takes over the future and how everybody reacts to it and battles against it in a pitch meeting, and how a lot of people would be excited for it. But without an interesting story to develop the idea, it's just a big letdown. Futures End was mostly that. It didn't even provide the satisfaction of having the heroes save the world! They failed. So now this comic book is about how the world deals with their failure. Great. Remember when superheroes were meant to be a shining beacon of what was possible? They represented humanity's optimism and never-say-die attitude? Remember how your life sucked but you could read a comic book and you realized you could also find the power within yourself to battle your problems and succeed? Well forget them! All the heroes eventually fail and die just like us! The future is a great big pit of suck and the only thing we all have to be thankful for is that we'll be too dead to experience it! Thanks for the uplifting message, DC Comics! Yeehaw.

Batman Beyond #4

Stop eating yourself, Batman!

I knew Batman Beyond was on the top of my stack so I took a break from "writing" last night to watch a movie. I really should start titling these Batman Beyond reviews as "Batman Beyond And A Movie." Unfortunately, I watched Upstream Color last night which gives me precious little to rant, rave, or wax pseudo-intellectually about. It does have some really cute pigs though. I watched it because I loved Shane Carruth's first movie Primer more than I love my mother. Maybe I should think of a better way to describe my love for the movie since I'm fairly certain I also loved Ghostbusters II more than my mother. Anyway, Upstream Color is more of an experience than a story. A bunch of people have a traumatic experience at the hands of a greedy asshole which they can't actually remember. But they do have a hole in their life which cost them everything, so that's something. Two of these people find each other and enjoy a romantic love story where they occasionally freak out for reasons unknown to them. The reason they feel something suddenly missing, or intense separation anxiety, or sudden, uncontrollable anger is because the pigs that now contain their hypnotic tapeworms are going through some really tough shit. Eventually they realize that they can recite Walden like a pretentious college sophomore believing they're the first to ever truly understand Thoreau, naturalism, and civil disobedience, and that nobody before them ever has realized that you can actually ignore people in authority to live your own life and help raise your psychically-linked pig's offspring as if they were your own. In one stunning and innovative scene, Carruth uses a swimming pool as a metaphor for the subconscious as Kris begins to regain some of her memories which later allow her to kill the farming DJ who's been killing her pig children. Anyway, I enjoyed it but the next Shane Carruth movie I watch will be Primer. Unless he figures out a way to finance that Topiary movie.

So last issue, Brother Eye hacked into A.L.F.R.E.D. and discovered the location of Neo-Gotham. That's probably bad news since Brother Eye has already destroyed and/or conquered every place else on Earth. Hopefully Tim Drake destroys him this issue because I'm sick to death of Brother Eye as the ultimate antagonist.

This issue begins with Neo-Gotham being invaded by hundreds of Brother Eye's cyborgs. So it's basically Futures End #52.

I'd say Gotham needs the "whole lot more" more than it really needs Batman.

Batman smashes A.L.F.R.E.D.'s hard drive because Brother Eye is using it against him. He gets distracted and is captured by a cyborg. But then Micron, the Ray Palmer equivalent of this time, smashes the cyborg and says, "Experience this." If I weren't reading all of DC's comic books, I would make it a rule to drop any book where a character uses the "[VERB] this!" line.

Inque, the villain with the ridiculously spelled name, decides to fight on the side of the good guys even though Brother Eye still has her daughter on the moon. Batman promised to help rescue her daughter and I guess she believes Batman is capable of it. That's because she doesn't realize Dan Jurgens is writing this story and Dan Jurgens' protagonists have a way of failing spectacularly at everything they do. Remember Justice League International and how depressing it was?! I need a Xanax just thinking about it.

Tim Drake and Micron are being overwhelmed by the first wave of cyborgs attacking the city. Just over the river, the second wave of cyborgs, full of old super heroes, stands waiting to join the fight. But before that happens, Tim Drake has to Narration Box some thoughts that make it sound like he's giving up only to turn it around at the last moment and declare he doesn't believe any of what he was just thinking at all. It's really fucking annoying. I often go about thinking things like, "You can't cross a busy street without risking life and limb. It's so dangerous that it should never be attempted, no matter how much delicious food is on the other side. If you want to live, you're stuck never crossing the street. Or so I once thought! Until I was taught about crosswalks and street lights and pedestrian overpasses! Thank you, city planners!"

After Tim decides not to lose because Bruce taught him not to lose, Barbara Gordon picks him up in a Batplane. They ditch Micron and head on over to the Batcave to find some helpful weapons and maybe a backup hard drive of A.L.F.R.E.D. Apparently the current Batman Beyond suit is the newest technology and Tim has destroyed it. So now the only thing left to use is some old bat armor that's going to make him look fat when he wears it.

Batman Beyond #4 Rating: No change. Hey Dan! Remember last year when Futures End came out every week? Remember how after 48 weeks, it sort of ended in unsatisfying failure? The part of it that I really liked was the part where it ended. I'd had enough of Brother Eye dominating the world. I'd grown sick of a DC Universe's future where all of the heroes had ultimately failed to stop a computer in space. So I kind of resent that the story is continuing. This is the future DC comics wants to maintain as the "real" future of the DC Youniverse? If so, it sucks. In thirty five years, everybody will have failed and it's up to Tim Drake and Barbara Gordon and a handful of other heroes to save what's left of the world. Is what's left really worth saving? Maybe they should try going back in time again and keeping this shitty ruined future from ever happening. Although it says a lot about how DC Comics views their universe and its heroes. Apparently they have no confidence in any of them except for Batman. And they want the readers to know it by introducing this future into continuity. "Hey look! Superman and Cyborg and Wonder Woman suck! Ultimately they're not the heroes you thought they were! But Batman survived! Sort of! He's the greatest!" This is the worst version of the future DC could come up with and it's the one they choose for their timeline. Idiots.

Batman Beyond #2

Ambushed by The Flocked Assassin!

At times I want to do nothing more than lie on the couch in the wee early hours of the ending night and watch a horror movie or a stupid comedy on Netflix. Which is why I watched Andy Samberg in Hot Rod last night. Ignoring the clichéd plot of the underdog saving the whatever and winning the good looking something (which is actually asking a viewer to ignore the whole movie but, you know, whatever), it really works! But it only works for two reasons! You take out these two bits and the movie is utter garbage and not worth watching. The two aspects of this film which lift it into heavenly glory are Al Swearengen and the use of the worst (best! (worst! (no, no! Best!))) songs from Europe's album The Final Countdown. If you aren't familiar with the album, the movie might not have worked as well for you. But the movie had me hooked from the start by using "Danger on the Tracks" as the opening song. And I'm impressed that they had the willpower to leave "The Final Countdown" out of the movie. I guess it might have been confusing since Gob Bluth was one of the cast.

I'm only sad they didn't find a way to use the song "Ninja" in the movie. Jesus Christ, Joey Tempest and Europe! What were you guys thinking?! Every song on that album could have won the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for 1986!

On second thought, maybe Hot Rod had a little more going for it than Swearengen and Europe. Bill Hader deserves credit for playing himself perfectly and Isla Fisher should be acknowledged for wearing the crap out of clothing. I mean, the way she turned up in that sun dress? Stunning! And the Hiking shirt alone was Oscar worthy.

I just realized I began my commentary on the first issue of Batman Beyond rambling on about Ghost World. I think that might say something about how interested I am in reading this comic book. Although Tim did meet elderly Barbara Gordon at the end of the last issue and that was kind of interesting, right?

This issue begins with Tim Drake being recruited into Barbara Gordon's Secret Prisoners Who Have Retained Their Faces Club. She lives in The Lodge (that's the name of Brother Eye's Death Happiness Camp) with her friends because Brother Eye crushed their souls. But he only crushed their souls after greed, apathy, and corruption crushed their spirits. What's the difference between a spirit and a soul? No wait! I know! Spirit is like cheering for your high school football team while soul is like making other people feel sexy with your dancing and singing. So they're more different than I thought they were after I thought about them a little bit.

As if any gathering is authorized!

I bet the first mandatory class you have to take in the Joe Kubert School of Drawing Comic Books is "Window Breaking/Wall Smashing 101." I wonder if artists ever even learn how to draw a door being opened? I do know one artist that can draw a door being opened! Brian Bolland!

The Flocked Assassin from the cover seems to be running The Lodge along with her sidekick, Deathstrobot. He looks less formidable as a robot than he does as a Tony S. Daniel drawing. I wonder if he got to keep his youthful testicles? The Flocked Assassin has noticed that one of the men escaped the batch of new prisoners and was replaced by a woman. This could be trouble which means this woman must be questioned in an ethical manner to find out what she knows or The Lodge could lose their insurance.

Brother Eye and Tim Drake sitting in a tree!

I hope Brother Eye's Nemesis is a huge sheep so that when they meet, Brother Eye will say "It is Eye!" and his nemesis will say "No! Not Ewe!"

Ouch. I think I strained my pun muscle.

Barbara Gordon and Tim Drake can't hide underground for long before they're discovered by Inque and Deathblow! I bet Deathblow loves hanging around with Inque so that his name isn't the worst in the group for once. Although I'm sure Deathblow was probably a pretty creative name among the heroes he hung out with.

Also I'm just guessing that it's Deathblow. I know with my comic book reading skills, there's only a sliver of a chance that I'm wrong. But sometimes slivers can be pretty big! Although big slivers are always better than small slivers because they're easier to pull out with my huge manly hands full of muscles and chest hair.

Can we hold a summit where we agree to retire the phrase "I've got your [thing referenced earlier] right here"?

Tim Drake pulls out his Audio/Visual cables and plugs himself into the back of Deathblow's neck. His suit fires up and Alfred is back to talk Tim through everything that doesn't involve body functions. Alfred tells Tim Drake about Inque because, like me, he never watched the Batman Beyond cartoon. I bet the best way to deal with her is either to freeze her solid or to dip a quill in her and quickly write the Great American Novel. I'm sure Alfred will know how to best her in battle.

Alfred informs Tim that water is a good weapon against Inque. Not really. Unless you also include tons of soap and harsh chemical cleaners and some seriously rough scrubbing pads, Inque is really tricky to defeat. Tim Drake learns that the hard way and winds up a prisoner of Brother Eye. Next issue, he's going to be processed while Brother Eye watches from his base on the moon. And Brother Eye isn't just a big bank of computers or a satellite or WOPR! Nope! He's a humanoid automaton! Or, more probably, a cyborg! My guess is that it's Harvest! I mean Michael Holt! I mean Jason Todd!

Batman Beyond #2 Rating: No change. I wonder how well this comic book is doing so far. This comic book must be for Tim Drake fans, right? Because it seems like they're alienating the Terry McGinnis fans. If you're a fan of the cartoon (or the comics based on the cartoon), why read Batman Beyond if the main character isn't Terry McGinnis? I guess for the same reason many fans stuck around for the reboot? Plus I guess having Tim go up against Inque might be exciting for fans familiar with Inque. I like her when she looks like flocked wallpaper. Anyway, I'm not recommending this comic book to anybody because I don't know who would like this comic book?! Maybe fans of an older Barbara Gordon?

Batman Beyond #1

I should probably sit down and watch this cartoon sometime. Even though the cartoon has nothing to do with this comic book.

I just rewatched Ghost World so bear with me as I recover. I've mentioned before how all of my favorite novels aren't about good people overcoming their problems or defeating the bad people or making the world a better place. No, all of my favorite novels are about the protagonist finding their only choice is to escape from the insanity of a world they were never asked to be a part of. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Catch-22. The Grapes of Wrath. Some other books I'm probably forgetting. All of those (maybe!) pale in comparison to how I feel about Ghost World (the movie and the comic book). My heart breaks so hard for Enid and yet I feel intense and overwhelming joy when she chooses freedom. It's not easy, and she probably hurts a lot of people in the process. But she was dying trying to find a life which her best friend and family would fit into. I love how she and Becky's hand holding lingers in their final scene together, and I'm happy that Becky seems to understand. I like to imagine that they still sometimes speak, or visit, and that when they do, they pick up exactly where they left off, as old, first friends are wont to do after long absences.

Fifteen years later, Ghost World takes on a more poignant tone knowing that Thora Birch kind of disappeared from the big screen (not entirely but, really, you have to be looking to find her. I suggest you don't go looking down the Dungeons and Dragons path) while Scarlett Johansson was accepted by Hollywood and fit right in.

Anyway. If Ghost World means anything special to you, we would probably understand each other although it would be awkward and we probably wouldn't really care about hanging out. If you hated the movie and didn't identify with it at all, lucky you.

Now let's see how Tim Drake goes from Batman Beyond to Harvest in twelve easy steps!

This issue begins with a decapitation and other dismemberments! That'll keep the kids busy in a non-offensive way on a long road trip. Imagine if the issue began with tea and cupcakes?! No modern kid would turn the page!

The people doing the dismemberment are painted up like clowns because they're bad guys and bad guys in Gotham tend toward looking silly and being utterly ridiculous and teetering on the verge of absolutely moronic. I think Joker Gangs of the Future are also a standard part of the old Batman Beyond world, so we should all have expected them (even if this world is supposed to be covered in Brother Eye Cyborg Super Monsters).

Special Chase Foil Paragraph of Ultimate Rarity: I'm super excited that Bernard Chang is doing all of the penciling and inking himself. See? Sometimes I do mention the art. Especially when I'm prepared to say a lot of horrible things about the writing. Sorry, Dan Jurgens! I don't hate your writings! But I'm preparing myself for not really thoroughly enjoying it very much?

That last sentence of the previous paragraph wasn't a question but I felt the question mark softened the sentiment enough so that if Dan Jurgens' family were to read this, they wouldn't cry.

The map and remembering where Brother Eye was built bit was clever enough for me to think this book could be going in the right direction. It's the kind of question I'd ask! But saying it's the kind of question I'd ask doesn't exactly bring it up to Oscar Wilde levels of wit. But it's at least on the comparative scale (because I'm on the comparative scale!).

This Veil Technology that Wayne Enterprises has invented helps to make the Neo-Gotham of Batman Beyond believable after a full year of being told that the future was just cyborgs, cyborgs, and more cyborgs. This allows for a city hidden from Brother Eye's gaze which has developed free from monster super robots. That's good because I was going to get bored really quickly of Tim Drake battling robots with familiar looking heads on them.

The Joker Gang want to steal the Veil Technology so that Brother Eye will notice Neo-Gotham and destroy it just like the rest of the world was destroyed. Tim Drake is against that for possibly obvious reasons. I say "possibly" because if you don't know why, I don't want to sound patronizing or insulting to your limited intelligence by assuming everybody can figure it out.

Tim and A.L.F.R.E.D. (henceforth to be known simply as Alfred) are still trying to work out how this future is different from the future Terry McGinnis came from. In that future, it seemed the entire world was a wasteland. Batman was also grafted to The Joker in that future and sent back in time. But since Gotham is hidden from Brother Eye in this future, I'm sure Tim will be dealing with him soon enough. Dan Jurgens has also left room for the survival of other cities as well since Alfred doesn't know everything about this timeline yet.

Tim decides to go ask Nora Boxer some questions. She's...oh, I can't remember who she is! Read the Sneak Peek, or the final issue of Futures End, or watch the television show if you really need to know! I do know that she lives with Terry McGinnis's younger brother though. The scene helps to inform those readers who missed the Sneak Peek of some of the information gleaned from the eight pager.

See? They don't know he's from the past!

Nora explains how Matt was now an orphan and looking for a sidekick job. But Tim probably feels it's too early in the run to throw a kid in a suit and into dangerous situations. Better to wait for Matt to wind up kidnapped where he'll have to show his pluck and determination which will prove he's just as capable as any other Robin ever was.

Tim asks about the Justice League and Nora says they're all dead or have been turned. So Tim is all they have! His first job is to rescue some human prisoners being held by Brother Eye for their knowledge. Tim heads out as Matt looks on envious of the suit. He's already dreaming of being the hero and he hasn't even done his time as Robin Beyond!

Once Tim arrives at the POW Camp known as The Lodge, he encounters his first Brother Eyenemy. Get it?!

First issue and he's already going to die?

Tim blows his load (the electric kind) and shorts out Superman. He also shorts out his own costume and Alfred as well. While he's in mufti (thanks Larry Hama!), Tim decides to sneak into the prisoner of war camp and pretend to be a prisoner. Once thrown into the general population, he's assaulted and shaken down for any tech he might have on him by some guy named Max and his pink haired friend. But a familiar face is able to set him free before any punches are thrown.

Oh shit! His cover is blown!

Batman Beyond #1 Rating: 7.5 Harvests out of 10. Okay, Dan Jurgens, I'm in! Let's see where this goes. The best part about this comic book being Futures End Lite is that it doesn't have to represent the future of The New 52 Universe. Maybe some fans will demand that it has some sort of relationship with The New 52 Universe or else they just won't feel a connection to the story. But for me, I just like that it's an Elseworlds book about one possible future of the DC Universe where Bruce Wayne and Michael Holt completely fucked up and destroyed the world. How are people dealing with that? How are Mike and Bruce dealing with it?! I'm sure they'll play an integral part in the future of this title. As far as Tim Drake now being Batman Beyond? That's a bit weird. I don't really care since I've never even watched the cartoon so I'm not invested in Terry McGinnis. But the fact that Batman Beyond was so popular and that Terry McGinnis won over everybody who watched the show and is thought of as Batman, it seems wrong to just kill him and throw Tim Drake in the suit. On the other hand, it's time for Tim Drake to prove he can be Batman as well! So you know. One half dozen dildos in one hand, six vibrating cockmonsters in the other.

Convergence: Batgirl #1

Do I have to finish this cover myself?!

I'm available for hire, DC!

According to the fight card, Batgirl's Convergence story takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham as well. So it's the same exact fight card as in Batman and Robin with Pre-Flashpoint Gotham going up against El Inferno, Flashpoint Gotham, The Extremists, and The Amazing Zoo Crew. The issue begins with Batgirls that I don't recognize although they're sure to make the Batgirl fandom cream their jeans: Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown. Also hanging out with them? That loser Tim Drake.

This story begins with Planet Brainiac already having made his announcement since Cassandra, upon being woken up by Stephanie, asks if an opponent has yet to arrive. Since the three of them are outside Gotham and on the barren landscape of Telos reminiscent of the American Southwest, my guess is they're going to battle whoever El Inferno is.

Two Batgirls is too confusing, so Stephanie Brown ditches the other two to go get naked behind a rock. That's when she's ambushed by Catman!

Oh, but before she's ambushed by Catman, Tim and Cassandra have an interesting conversation that I didn't realize was interesting when I first turned the page because I first noticed Stephanie trying to drop her pants while Catman tackled her. According to Tim Drake, it isn't just everybody in every city trying to defend their city against everybody of every other city. No, apparently specific champions were chosen to fight for their cities. So while Tim and Cassandra weren't picked and have been relegated to sidekicks, Stephanie Brown was picked as a champion. And now she must battle for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! She's lucky she's on the team most likely to win. That improves her individual odds.

The issue is called "The Love Song of Stephanie Brown" so I guess it's going to be twenty pages of wondering if she should eat a peach.

How did Catman find her in this wasteland? Is Steph in heat?

Stephanie tells Catman that she came through a portal and the other two heroes followed her by accident. I guess that's how the Extremists entered Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? They found a portal that opened for "champions" to be shuttled to their opponents' universes. That must mean that this whole American Southwest look is probably the El Inferno universe which Catman must be a part of. Unless this is just one of the Multiversal Thunderdome arenas. I suppose Catman could be from the Flashpoint Gotham since I really don't know anything about El Inferno. Now if it were called El Gato Inferno, I'd be positive that's where he's from.

Catman was pulled out of South Africa battling Grodd and his army. That sounds like a Flashpoint world although South Africa is obviously not Flashpoint Gotham. I think since Planet Brainiac is a collector of "timelines," the definitions of the cities he's stolen are a little bit loose. And I just looked up El Inferno's description in the back of Convergence #0 and that definitely takes place in the Old West. It's also an Elseworlds story so I'd expect characters from it to have guns slung on their hips and hats tilted in just that way that says "Howdy, Ma'aam."

Catman must not be much of a threat because instead of joining the battle to help Batgirl, Red Robin just stands to the side checking out Batgirl's butt muffin. That's a thing the kids say, right? "Nice butt muffin! I bet it's full of tasty dingleberries!" Yeah? The whole flirting thing kind of ruins everybody's mood for a fight. But that's when Steph realizes Cassandra was still missing and runs off to check on her.

Pissing yourself in a tight leather one piece can't be comfortable. Although it's probably not so different than pissing in your wet suit for extra warmth while body surfing in Santa Cruz. Or so I was told by some totally disgusting not-me person.

Speaking of hanging out in Santa Cruz for much of my teenage years, I have a short digression! I met a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago (I said it's a short digression! It'll become long if I explain why I met a guy on Tinder!) who corrected me when I described the Santa Clara/San Jose are as "the South Bay." He insisted that it wasn't the bay and that it was Silicon Valley. Half of that statement was right! You know, the Silicon Valley part! But even though Santa Clara County isn't actually on a bay (okay, maybe a very small part of it is which is why it gets to be the South Bay!), it's still called the South Bay. I fucking grew up there, Tinder Beard Guy. Don't fucking argue with me. The only time I thought of myself as being from Silicon Valley was when we'd go to Santa Cruz and hang out on the hidden beaches where none of the tourists would go. And the only reason we were reminded we were from Silicon Valley at that point was all the graffiti everywhere that said, "LOCALS ONLY!" and "VALLEYS GO HOME!"

That was my digression! I kept it pretty short, right?

Even though my mother worked at Signetics (they made chips for Atari cartridges. Most of my Atari games as a child were not in a case. They were just the chips that you'd pop into these green chip holders which popped into the Atari like cartridges. That story is a lie if it might get my mother in trouble) in the late seventies and early eighties, I really never thought much about the whole tech industry thing and Santa Clara County being the heart of Silicon Valley. It was only in my later years with so much historical writing and film-making about the beginnings of the home computer era that I realized how much of the movement was taking place in my own backyard.

Other stuff happening in my own backyard: holes being dug looking for treasure, golf balls being hit with baseball bats into neighbors' backyards, Star Wars figures driving Barbie Corvettes, plum eating (no peaches though).

Stuff happening in my neighbor's front yard: me climbing his tree and eating all of his loquats out of it while sitting in the branches.

That wound up being a fairly long digression. Sorry.

While Grodd tenderizes Cassandra, Steph takes some time to think about the past year being trapped on Telos under the dome.

This is how I dealt with most confrontations in my life! Being confident enough to walk away from a potential physical conflict can often deescalate the situation. It also might have been fairly delusional on my part and I'm just lucky I never got beat in the back of the head for it.

Steph continues on the next page: "That's the thing Tim and Cass don't understand. Everything doesn't have to end with a big showdown. You can simply choose to walk away. Since hanging up my cape, I've learned that wearing a costume pretty much says, I want to escalate this conflict." I like this Stephanie Brown character and/or this Alisa Kwitney writer!

I recognize the name Alisa Kwitney but I don't know why. I don't think she's written anything for The New 52 since her name didn't auto-finish when I typed it in the Blogspot Labels Box. Let's see what Lord Google has to say about her. Aha. I must know her name as an editor for Vertigo Comics. I don't recognize any of her writing listed by Princess Wikipedia.

Steph watches television as Cassandra enters the window after a long day of jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bethany Snow is reporting on the television. That Bethany Snow has had a long career! I think she got her start reporting in Teen Titans (possibly Pre-Crisis?). I hope all the Bethany Snows from all the universes have a big Telos Meet-up!

I know in certain cultures, Guinea Pigs are a legitimate source of protein. And I know it's wrong to judge other cultures for their regional food choices. But I'm fucking judging! I'm super judging! Eating a Guinea Pig is like shitting on candy. It's one of the two worst things you can do! The other worst thing is shitting on candy. Duh!

One of the places whose floor I clean is a pet store. They have an open topped enclosure full of rabbits and guinea pigs. I call it the Panic Pit because if just one of those creatures freaks out for nearly no reason (like a piece of hay fluttered in a slight breeze), they all flip the fuck out and try to hide behind each other in whatever corner is furthest from the unknown threat. It's like twenty heart attacks ready to happen at the drop of a pin.

Bethany Snow reports that a list of champions have been chosen to fight for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Batgirl is on the list. I guess Cassandra is "Black Bat" and not Batgirl to avoid confusion. Good! Because I was confused when I was calling them both Batgirl! So ignorant!

Steph's reminiscence ends with her, Tim, and Cass being picked up by the weird metal bits with which Planet Brainiac likes to cover people. It takes them through a portal like the one the Earth-2 Wonders fell through when they arrived. And that's when Batgirl, Robin, and Black Bat wind up in the middle of the landscape that looks like the American Southwest and where this thing began. So I guess next issue will begin with Grodd finishing eating Cassandra as Steph wakes up from her flashback.

Convergence: Batgirl #1 Rating: So much better than the first Convergence tie-in I read which was the awful Batman and Robin #1. This issue gave me a glimpse into who these characters were in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham while it also quickly set up the Multiversal Thunderdome confrontation. It may not be the ideal way to be introduced to these characters but I feel like I can now see why people are so fond of them. I think in a world where Tim Drake hangs out with Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown, I might be able to like Tim Drake! Or maybe it's just in a world where he's decently written as opposed to a world where he's written by Scott Lobdell.

The synopsis at the end makes me want to read some Steph Brown Batgirl stories featuring Damian as Robin and Dick as Batman. Although I'm already disappointed with her for having a relationship with Tim Drake. Though that explains why fans probably liked the character so much. They just love their cruddy romances, don't they?

Futures End #47

In honor of the two or three intelligent readers of this blog (y'all can fight over which of you are which), this will be a serious review.

To truly understand Futures End, one must start at the beginning. Not the beginning of the series because it's been forty-six issues and I'm not going to recap them all here! I mean at the beginning of the cover. Let's begin with the name: Futures End. What does it mean? I think DC Comics forgot to add the apostrophe but since they never corrected that, we'll assume they meant the plural of future and that all of them will eventually resolve. If the name were to mean that just a few futures were going to end due to the events in this comic book, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense because there would still be an infinite amount of futures that haven't ended. One must assume that all but one future will end due to the events of this comic book. But what future will still remain after all is said and done? The Justice League 3000 future? The Legion of Super-Heroes future? The Brother Eye future? The Kamandi future (which might actually just be part of the Justice League 3000 future since Tora once had a lunch date with the boy)? Even if we agree that the Brother Eye future must end or this story wasn't worth retelling, DC Comics still has two futures which cannot be decided upon. Which means my theory is wrong. Fuck. Let's backtrack!

What if we decide that the "futures" in the title are the futures of every single character in this series which takes place in the DC Universe's future. That means that these characters' future live will end once Terry McBatman goes back in time five years, makes a house call to Bruce Wayne, and says, "Dude. I've got a message from your future self. He says, 'That Brother Eye project? Bad idea. Kill it. And if you don't believe this message is from you, let me tell you something you've never told anybody: you fucked Talia al Ghul in the ass that night she tried to drug you even though you're immune to all drugs (especially Rohypnol. Thanks Alfred!) and so you suspected she was up to something which means she harvested your semen out of her ass to create Damian which probably explains quite a few things about that kid.' Eww. Gross! Is that true?" Then Bruce will invite Terry McBatman in for some extra strong Rohypnol Tea before sending him out on his own to start his own comic book series.

So those are the futures that end! All the ones that appear in this book! I bet even the Twofers coming over from the disaster in Worlds End will be treated better than they were in the past of this comic book. Anyway, this is as serious as I get! Damian being a butt baby is a legitimate fucking theory!

And since none of the stories will, in the end, actually matter, the only real purpose of this series is to get Terry McGinnis set up in the DC Universe. But not just Terry! All of them! All of the characters that have starred in failed comic book series. Firestorm has a new look and a fresh attitude and is named after the best High Voiced Boy of them all: Madison! Amethyst has a quest to restore Gemworld. Grifter has a new family ready to protect Earth from robots in disguise. Stormwatch and SHADE are now being run by Ray Palmer. Voodoo and her pals Banger, Mash, and Mercy are ready to take on covert missions for Sgt. Frank Rock (who is going to have an insect baby soon). Blue Beetle will...oh wait. Jaime hasn't actually been in any issue except the zero issue. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure something out. Anyway, all these characters are geared for another stab at a monthly title. And so what if these future reimaginings don't mesh very well with the current New 52 books because isn't DC going to just kind of shrug their shoulders over hard line continuity come June? At least I hope that will be the case!

So this book begins with Brother Eye informing the world that he's taken over everything.

Are all these people just going to take this?

As soon as this happens, everybody would just get their phones reset to factory settings. But then they'll be reinfected with Brother Eye once they go to charge them or connect to their G3 network. But people aren't just going to sit back and let a fucking computer run their lives. So they have to clean out all the systems. First shut them down. If you can't turn off the nuclear reactors, just cut the power lines leading away from them. Can't stop the hyrdro-electric generators at the dams? Reroute the fucking rivers. It might wind up costing a lot of money, especially since everybody is going to have to throw out any piece of electronic that has been connected to a network and all the servers are going to have to be replaced and nobody is going to get online or have electricity until all this shit is replaced, but people will definitely do it rather than being ruled by a shitty wannabe C3PO. There will be setbacks! Some jerk will plug in an old laptop and begin to reinfect everything. But eventually protocols will be put in place to stop Brother Eye from moving from hardware to hardware. And laws will be written to put to death anybody that reinfects the internet. Look, you got to be harsh! Like stealing horses in the Old West! You've got to make the punishment so far out of whack with the crime that nobody even attempts it.

Or everybody just loses technology and we go back to a non-networked world. Surely we can all give up a continuous feed of LOLcats so that we can retain our free will and freedom, right? And not everybody needs to read the Tweet about the joke you just made to your buddies at Applebee's, do they? And I think all of your relatives can do without pictures of your name spelled incorrectly on your Stabuck's cup. Can't they?!

Shit. Maybe that's why Brother Eye was so successful.

So Batman, Mister Terrific, and Ray Palmer are trying to shut down Brother Eye at Terrifitech and having no luck. Also they're not doing so great against the hordes of zombie robots shuffling toward them. But that's when Harvest Tim Drake saves the day!

Should they really be using first names? Just on principle. You never know when Lois Lane will be skulking about.

Tim is all, "Is the time band ready for me so I can accidentally wind up 1000 years in the future?" And Bruce is all, "You are not going to use it! I am the most competent person ever!" And Plastique is all, "Wait. Didn't somebody mention dick a few issues ago?" And everybody is all, "There's no time!" And Ray Palmer is all, "And don't call me Shirley!"

A.L.F.R.E.D. puts Bruce in his place just like the real Alfred! He's all, "Sorry, Master Bruce. Your muscle mass is far too muscular for you to use the time belt. It must be scrawny old Tim Drake who uses it and saves the world." And then Mister Terrific tells them they will be powering the time travel belt with Firestorm. Which is when Tim finally figures out that Madison is still alive.

Gross. That latex face mask still has Plastique spit all over it.

Tim says his goodbyes to Madison (or at least this Madison) and tells the others he's ready to go back in time. Or, you know, forward 1000 years! Firestorm pumps the belt full of juice and Tim Drake, as Batman Beyond, travels back to the DC Universe's present. He appears aboard the Brother Eye satellite. Is he going to succeed in his mission and end this comic book?! I mean, it probably still has a few more issues. But it probably needs a few for a denouement, right?

Oh? So where will Earth-2's refugees wind up?! I guess they'll have to wind up on one of the Mystery Earths.

Brother Eye doesn't want to blow up so he tries to stop Tim. But Tim has seen Wargames (a movie I can't stop bringing up lately. Does DC have that many books right now about computers trying to take control?) and knows exactly how to stop Brother Eye from destroying everything! He teaches Brother Eye how to play Tic Tac Toe and Brother Eye decides it's better to kill oneself than to play shitty fucking games that nobody can ever win. It sets its self-destruct system for fifteen seconds (which I think is the lowest setting. Got to abide by OSHA standards on the safety of self-destruct systems, you know!).

I guess Brother Eye realized he wouldn't be able to resist sending the beacon to the Earth-2 refugees and thus plummeting Earth-Main-Earth into another war with Apokolips, so he kills himself instead. Isn't that a little dramatic, Bro (I'm not just being a douche! That's short for Brother Eye!)? Actually he blows himself up just in case Mister Father somehow detects his presence. Also Brother Eye just felt dirty having been written by Dan Didio during the OMAC months.

Brother Eye's last act is to send Tim Drake back to whatever future replaces the one from which he came. Probably one where Madison is all, "Eww! Do I know you? Perv!"

Or a future that makes him exclaim, "No way!" Probably because it's full of vampires. Or Titans Towers.

Futures End #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. Next time: We're headed for Venus! Venus! But still we stand tall! And maybe they've seen us! Seen us! And welcome us all?! I know there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! I know that we'll all miss her so! It's the final issue! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! *sparkly Joey eyes* Carrie! Ninja survive! Cherokee! Carrie! In times of war! Marching on the trail of tears! The final issue! *FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS*

Futures End #29

Jason Rusch looks totally disgusted with having to merge with a female!

Now I don't know which ex-Firestorm lad is going to merge with Madison Payne! The "Next Time in Futures End" pictures from last issue made it look like Ronnie was terrified of merging with a girl. But now it looks like Jason! Unless it will wind up being Tim Drake! Is that why Tim Drake doesn't exist in the future? Has he become the disembodied head that speaks to Firestorm first popularized by Martin Stein? Then Ronnie and Jason will realize that they can never merge as Firestorm again and they'll have to use the old fashioned butt merging system instead.

On the way to rescue Madison, Tim Drake lets Ronnie Raymond know that they've met before when Firestorm thumbed his nose at an invite to the Teen Titans. Of course he did! Why would Firestorm join the Titans, a rinky-dink organization full of high school drama and constant backbiting, when he could join the Justice League, a big league operation full of high school drama and constant backbiting? Why join the team with the Wanna-be Batman when you can join the team with Real Deal Batman?! Oh wait! I know why! Because joining the Titans gives you more opportunities to get laid!

Jason Rusch makes it to Doctor Yamazake's lab first. He sees Madison in the teleportation tube and yells, "Stop! You can't do this to Ronnie Raymond's beard!" And Madison is all, "Whut? Beard? Fuck. Of course he's gay! Just get it over with and Brundlefly me already." And Doctor Yamazake is all, "I CANNOT BE STOPPED!" or maybe "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" or possibly "SUCK MY DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Whichever one would sound catchier at the end of a movie trailer.

Oh yeah! Firestorm is going to turn into a three-way! Although that might be a bit awkward for Madison. She'll spend most of her time going, "Um. Hello. Vagina being ignored over here!"

Madison learns that Jason Rusch is Firestorm and she begins to realize that when people keep secrets, it isn't all about her feelings. Or anything about her feelings at all, for that matter. No wait, she doesn't realize that at all. She still thinks that everybody owes her the complete and utter truth about themselves no matter how much they want to leave their past behind them, or how much they're trying to protect the people they're close to, or for whatever fucking reason they have for keeping a secret from her that has nothing to fucking do with her! Now I want Doctor Yamazake to Brundlefly her ass already!

By the power of Gayskull!

It kind of sucks that Firestorm is getting rejiggered here in Futures End (although, how much of this story will become canon anyway? I have a feeling that Madison Payne will become the future Firestorm but how does DC bring that about when this whole Futures End story arc never winds up actually happening? Oh, they'll figure it out in some spectacularly boring and undramatic way, I'm sure!) because I was hoping that Jason and Ronnie would eventually come to terms with their homosexuality and their incredible love and passion for each other. Up until now, Ronnie has been extremely resistant to his true passions because he was raised in the culture of high school football as the star quarterback who was supposed to bang as many cheerleaders as possible. I guess the best we were going to get with Firestorm and a happy ending between Jason and Ronnie took place in The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #0 where they were married.

No, seriously. Go get your hands on a copy of that issue. They get married. I don't know how that wasn't a huge deal! Was I the only one that wept at their vows?

I know I lie about shit all the time but I'm not lying about the marriage! It happened! It wasn't a hallucination or a wet dream!

I think Ronnie was going to say "...to fuck" but Firestorm should work too. You know, being a symbol of them fucking.

Great! Now Madison is going to be hurt even more! Ronnie and Jason were both lying to her about being Firestorm and about their sexuality?! Don't they know that by not telling her it hurts her feelings? Jerks.

Goddammit! This actually made me tear up. If you haven't read The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men as a story about two gay youths coming to terms with their sexuality and their love for each other, you might not experience the same emotional impact here.

The teleportation sequence finishes and a huge explosion occurs, Brundleflying everybody in the room. Maybe. I don't know. A Firestorm with boobs flies out of the chaos though! Just like on the cover! So thanks again, cover, for spoiling everything! Hopefully this new version of Firestorm is Madison Payne (well, duh! Obviously since nobody else in the explosion had breasts) with Ronnie and Jason both inside the Slash Fiction Matrix in her mind. She screams "Oh, my Gawwwddddd!" when created and maybe that's less about the feeling of flying and the incredible power surging through her body and more about Jason and Ronnie fucking the fuck out of each other in her brain.

So many sads. ROOOOONNNNNNNNIIIIIEEEEE!

Poor Ronnie. He'll never eat another home cooked dinner of dog's dick with his mom again. Granted, his mom has been dead since the Earth-2 War but I wanted to mention that time he once ate a dog's dick with her. I'm not lying! Pick up The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #1 and look at the dog's dick he's eating on the page where he's eating a dog's dick! Totally not lying. Maybe I'm poorly interpreting what I'm seeing! But I'm not lying!

Tim enters the ruins of the lab where he finds Ronnie's Brundleflied body. Ronnie dies in Tim's arms having never told Jason Rusch how he truly felt.

Futures End #29 Rating: I can't believe this comic book went one full issue concentrating on one single story! Holy shit! Revolutionary! I don't have plot whiplash today! I also thought it was a good origin story for the new Firestorm. Like I said, I've got a feeling Madison and Jason will be the Firestorm of DC's future no matter how this Futures End comic book gets wedged into DC Continuity. I'll be sad not to have the Ronnie/Jason relationship anymore though. But now Madison can go around lying to people and feeling justified about it and realizing she was a total dick for trying to demand that everybody be completely honest with her no matter what the cost to the other person. How dare people keep secrets!

Futures End #28

What's something totally recognizable in Gotham that we can have the Batmen crash into while fighting (even though they're battling in New York City?)? I know!

I know, I know! The fight in New York ended almost immediately when Plastique blew the poop out of everybody in Tim Drake's apartment. This cover probably represents the next meeting of the Batmen! It doesn't look like it goes any better.

Do you think an editor would have told me that I can't use the phrase "I know" three times in a row? Probably! But who needs editors anyway? Don't you dare say I do, you traitor.

This issue begins with Lois Lane not being eaten by sharks because she parachuted onto Cadmus Island and not into the ocean like we all thought was going to happen, right? Right? You all thought that too, right? Thought that this issue would be twenty pages of Lois Lane drowning while hallucinating a happy life courting and eventually marrying Superman? Then at the last minute, she would be saved from drowning by a shark and die from blood loss and shock instead.

On Cadmus Island, Lois runs into an OMAC, and then an OMAC, and then another OMAC, an OMAC, an OMAC, two OMACS, then another OMAC, and finally somebody she recognizes (not an OMAC).

Has Lois Lane ever worn a Lantern ring? Did she call herself Lois Lantern?

Over in Frank Rock's office, Frank and King Faraday and, soon, Fifty Sue and Voodoo are all trying to figure out who is going to kill whom and what enemy is the worst and how do any of them work together when some of them want to kill some of the others and what the fuck is going on in this comic book again?

Voodoo's steez is pretty kickin', yo.

Wait, wait. I think I got this, Voodoo. See, your buddy Grifter was taken by Faraday to be part of a team that would remove superheroes from the world. But that team was infiltrated by Brother Eye so Faraday turned the team's attention to destroying Brother Eye. But then Faraday realized he needed a back-up plan to kill the super powered members of his team who were busy defeating Brother Eye and/or killing and capturing other super powered people! So he hired Frank Rock's Girl Squad to kill Fifty Sue. But then Deathstroke joined with Brother Eye in an attempt to kill Fifty Sue which made Fifty Sue want to kill Deathstroke which caused her to seek out Faraday and join the team that was put together to kill her. Easy peasy!

Meanwhile, Batman and Batman Beyond do not smash into the Batsignal. And Tim Drake, Ronnie Raymond, and Jason Rusch all search for Madison Payne. But they'll never find her because she's with Doctor Yamazake testing out his teleportation device. Such a helpful lass.

Futures End #28 Rating: No Ratings November continues! Judging by the cover of Futures End #29 and the "in next issue" pics, it looks like Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch are going to break up permanently.

Look how terrified poor Ronnie is of merging with a female!

Futures End #27

Lois Lane, you big dumb dumb! Stop doing risky things! Billy Batson isn't in love with you and won't be there to save your ass!

Here's my new Lois Lane web comic idea that I'm sure has never, ever, ever been done before! Ever!

I'll probably never draw another one because you get the idea. She'll continually encounter things that are scoops but not the scoop you'd normally expect Lois to be interested in! Totally hilarious! In the next one, she admires a bulldozer.

This issue begins on the Isle of Can It Get Any More Boringer?! That's the island where Green Arrow trains his army of archers that will be useless against everything. Unless the entire show revolves around him and then arrows are way better than bullets and practically the only thing that ever actually wounds anybody. As opposed to real life where a guy out on the streets shooting arrows might wound one person before he gets his ass maced by some pizza delivery woman just passing by. And especially as opposed to comic books where villains have super powers and should never, ever be brought down by a guy shooting arrows. Ever! My suspension of disbelief can only be bent so far before I scream "Uncle!" And a guy shooting arrows being good enough to join the Justice League? "UNCLE MOTHERFUCKER! UNCLE!"

Although he's still way better than some jerk who can swim well and speaks with fishies.

Speedy needs two quivers because he's not as accurate as Ollie.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane discovers that two people can play that game where you creepily wait for the other person to arrive and then say, "Hello! I've been waiting for you!" And the other person is all, "How the fuck long have you been waiting? You never could have known when I'd be back!" And the first person smiles slowly and puts their dick back in their pants.

This might be my favorite Red Robin moment yet in the entire New 52! I can't stand when people think they can pull weird fucking stalkery shit on you but it's suddenly "call the police time" when you break into their apartment and steal all of their underwear.

Tim tells Lois that Madison left him and Lois says, "Because you were lying to her, right?" Fuck that nonsense! She left because her stupid feelings were hurt because Tim didn't confide in her something that he wanted to leave in his past forever! She's an immature child to feel that her expectations of Tim are more important than Tim's reality. Fuck her! I hope she's currently a Brundlefly!

Tim Drake tells Lois Lane to go parachute into the middle of the ocean and, judging by the cover, she takes his advice! Without Superman around to save her! Or Jimmy Olsen to photograph her bravery! I think her brain was fried from Billy Batson's lightning bolt.

Over on Cadmus Island, Deathstroke tells Grifter that they can't leave the island until he finishes with some unfinished business.

Oh Grifter! Now you're being entertaining? Two years too late to keep your own title alive!

Mister Miracle scouts the island and finds a medical lab where they seem to be grafting Aquawoman onto an OMAC. Or something. Sometimes it's hard to tell what an artist is trying to get across in a scene. Especially if that artist is Tony S. Daniel and he's also the writer. Man, he's horrible at choreographing his own stories so that they make sense!

The Green Arrow Army Featuring Big Barda have finally located Cadmus Island and are moving in to battle the OMACs. And back at the Wounded Duck, Plastique and Terry McBatman are relaxing with some beers and discussing steezes. Which I totally know what they are because I'm down with the hip lingo, daddy-o.

Did Tim hire Alfred to tend bar while he's stalking Lois Lane?

Also, I think I just fell a little bit in love with Plastique.

She should have her own 50s sitcom.

Terry McBatman breaks into Tim's apartment and is immediately caught by The Batman which, I think, is a huge no-no! This has time paradox written all over it! But Plastique saves the day by blowing everybody to smithereens! Yay!

Finally, Lois Lane's pilot and friend Buck allows her to jump out of his plane into the middle of the ocean. What an asshole.

Futures End #27 Rating: +1 Ranking! Plastique is just so dreamy! *SIGH* Stop looking at her, you other readers! Fuck off! She's my crush now! Also, don't tell Tig because she's an evil vampire and she might not like me looking at other comic book women.

Futures End #23

Stuff is about to happen!

Hey DC Comics? Can you make this series more exciting? Thanks! Also, could you change the name? Futures End sounds stupid.

This issue begins strangely. Did somebody allow their teenaged boy to write copy for it?

"Microscopic badass"? "Winged A-hole"? "?!"? Wait. When did I start writing for DC?

Brainiac still wants to assimilate Hakwman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein so that Futures End #0 doesn't have to be redacted. The Engineer has become one of Brainiac's generals. She's different now because she has Brainiac dots on her head and no nano-nipples. It's also possible she doesn't have nano-nipples because DC is more conservative than Wildstorm.

They must have read Issue #0.

To escape, The Atom unminiaturizes the space ship where he was keeping it in his penis.

I don't make this shit up! Sometimes I don't have the visual proof to support the ludicrous things I say. But I do this time! So you should trust me every other time I say something crazy but don't bother to scan the picture for proof.

Even with that picture which obviously shows Atom pulling out his penis to eject a space ship out of it, you might think I'm being facetious. But look at Amethyst's face in that panel. She's absolutely shocked at what she's seeing! The Atom, contrary to what one might think, must be a show-er not a grower!

Stormwatch escapes in the Nan-Knight (get it? It's like nanite! But it's also like an armored grandmother! Wait. Now I don't get it) but they've taken The Engineer along which means they haven't escaped at all! She's part of Brainiac so now he knows exactly how to find them. If he even needs to chase after them. I'm pretty sure The Engineer can defeat The Atom, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein. Black Adam could be trouble but as long as she promises to get him back to Earth, he won't fight back.

Why is The Engineer still allowed to join super hero teams? I think she's been compromised well over eighty percent of her time in comics since The New 52 began. I can't remember how often she was hacked in The Authority because my memory is awful and I was distracted by her nano-nipples but I bet it was a lot!

Back on Earth, Madison Payne is having man problems. That's much more dramatic than a gigantic space battle. Please, let's spend many pages dealing with how angry she is at Tim Drake for lying to her about pretty much everything. How can she ever look at him the same way now that she knows everything he told her was a lie! She should just walk away since his name isn't his real name and his past isn't his real past and his truth was full of lies. But...but...she loves him!

How dare you try to put your past behind you by not letting the woman you love know your history so that she'd constantly be asking you about it! Asshole.

If I had been written by Scott Lobdell for three years, I'd want to forget about it too.

That's okay, Tim. Let her go. There are plenty of women out there that you can lie to and live happily ever after with. Unless Lois Lane publishes your secret. Although then you just get a new secret identity. I'm sure you have plenty of aliases ready to go. You don't grow up working with Batman without having a whole alphabet of plans to fall back on.

Yeah. And you're ignoring what's really important to him. So, you know what kids? Just chalk this one up to irreconcilable differences, mmkay?

Look, Madison is hurt because Tim didn't completely open up to her. But what the fuck does she want? Absolute honesty? Nobody can be absolutely honest with their partner in an intimate relationship! Because eventually you're going to reveal that one thing that's like taking the lid off of the Ark at the end of Raiders and your partner's face is going to distort and you're never going to come back from that much honesty ever. "For better or worse" is just something people say to get through the ceremony! Nobody really wants to hear the worst parts! Especially the worst parts that happened when you were a teenager and not quite a fully formed human being that understood risk and empathy and consequences! Those memories may be precious to the person they happened to because they helped form the adult the person later became. But they're most likely not going to be seen as cute, youthful indiscretions by your partner. And I don't mean the story about how you were jerked off by a bum outside the public library. I'm talking about the fucking your pet rabbit to death behind the garage kind of stories. I just picked that example at random! That wasn't any kind of confession!

Mad Payne walks out on Tim Drake who goes on to live a life of following her around and hiding in bushes. Madison goes on to begin another relationship with another guy who's harboring a secret: Ronnie Raymond! And his relationship breaking secret is that he's gay and not that he's 1/2 of Firestorm.

Meanwhile Frank Rock has become an old, forgotten war hero trying to relive the excitement and purpose of his past by turning into a manipulative, murdering Amanda Waller wannabe. He's trying to get the OPS, otherwise known as the Deadly Friends, otherwise known as Voodoo, Mercy, Bangers, and Mash, to take on one of his jobs.

Not the power of "a god" but the power of "the god." So she does nothing and ignores everybody while accepting the praise for performing miracles through doctors and firefighters and other people skilled at their jobs?

Meanwhile thirty-five years in the future (because I guess all time takes place at the same time and in the same brief instant as creation is here and gone in no actual time at all), Brother Eye has created his Terminator to travel back in time to kill Terry McBatman.

Isn't that clever?

Futures End #23 Rating: No change. Am I supposed to care about any of these characters? If so, I think I want Fifty Sue to win. And by win, I don't know what I mean. Is their a conflict in this comic book somewhere? I mean aside from the one between five years from now Mr. Terrific and Mr. Terrific thirty-five years into the future.