Gotham Academy: Second Semester #9

I have boxes full of pictures of me as a teenager with the girl next to me cut out or burned. The girl was always a mannequin but now it looks like I had a passionate and tempestuous youth.

• This is probably the last Gotham Academy story because DC Comics can't afford to keep paying three different people on story credits.

• Amity Silverlock, using Olive's body, has begun her reign of arsony terror on Gotham's old blood families. She begins by burning down an old Dent home while twirling her mustache.

• The Pizza Mystery Club has plans to save Olive from the angry spirit of her long dead ancestor. Hopefully this plan will finally need Pomeline to get naked.

• Kyle quits the club because Olive doesn't want to fuck him and Colton does.

• The Pizza Mystery Club decide finding Amity Silverlock's bones is probably the best way to defeat her. It worked in that Freddy Kreuger movie, didn't it? No, you know what. I don't think it did. I think he still returned for another pre-cursor to Scream movie and a battle with Jason Voorhees.

• While searching through a small mountain of skulls, the Pizza Club encounter another strange Gotham Academy Student.

I didn't know King Shark had a daughter.

• Apparently Gotham Academy is where all the super villain kids go to school.

• A kid with a fox head and a kid with a crow head seal the kids into the Well of Skulls as it fills up with water. Apparently ghosts aren't the worst things haunting the halls of Gotham Academy. It's also full of furries.

• Olive Silverlock makes friends with Harvey Dent. But she still has to make friends with his coin. His coin decides to help her get revenge on the Cobblepot family next. It's too bad she didn't go after the Wayne family first. This story could be over by now.

• The Mystery Pizza Club discover a legendary secret society called the Terrible Trio comprised of a Fox Person, a Crow Person, and a Shark Person. Their goal was to spread disinformation and cause general mayhem so that other secret societies would never discover the true secrets of Gotham Academy. Maps takes off on her own to investigate them, leaving Colton and Pomeline to figure out a plan that involves Pomeline getting naked on-panel.

• Meanwhile, Kyle didn't quit the club at all. He just went out on his own to follow Olive around Gotham because he's a creepy perv who can't take no for an answer.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #8

When did this comic book take a left turn on What the Fuck Avenue?

The Review!
Batman is chastised with the modern view that he's a monster who simply beats up on people with mental illnesses and then the love of friends and family and warm hugs saves the day. Well, it saves this day, anyway. Olive disappears to continue her arsonistic rampage across Gotham as Cal-Amity Arkham possesses her body. Hopefully Batman will speak nicely to her and not punch her in the face to get her to stop burning the city to the ground.

The Ranking!
No change. Pomeline didn't get naked.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #7

Oh, hello figment of Olive's imagination aka I was right from the beginning.

The Review!
Olive learns that her roommate isn't Amy the Roommate at all. She's a ghost named Amity Arkham, one of Olive's distant relatives. Or, according to Batman (and me, really!), Amity Arkham is just a delusion. It's weird that Olive's mental illness manifests in the exact same way her mother's did. Batman might be the World's Greatest Detective but he isn't really the most caring or sympathetic man when it comes to the mentally ill. Apparently the AA symbol all over the school stands for Amity Arkham instead of Wayne Manor (that makes sense if you saw the symbol. It also could be a W and an M! In fact, it looks a lot more like a W and an M).

Anyway, Pomeline discovers her ancestor was best friends with Amity who was Olive's great to the nth degree grandmother. It seems a bunch of people ruined Amity's life and Amity is still angry about it. So she began a career in possessing her descendants and giving them the power to burn Gotham to the ground. But that stupid Batman keeps stopping that from happening! And before Batman, I bet the Court of Owls stopped it from happening. Or maybe Jonah Hex. Or Booster Gold. Possibly even a Cobblepot or two.

I don't think anything else pertinent to future issues took place. Oh, the Scottish teacher has been secretly meeting with Batman to fuck in the barn and gossip about Olive. Also a few of the kids said "Oh my crap!" in that way they usually do. Plus Colton found a ton of treasure so he'll probably stop stealing everything now that he's rich. Oh, and most importantly of all, Pomeline did not get naked.

The Ranking!
No change!

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #6

It's Wayne Manor Man! Unless it's Arkham Asylum Man!

The Review!
The Pizza Detective Club are currently trying to solve the Mystery of Kyle Giving Colton A Handie, Just To Be Cool, Y'Know? They might also be solving some other mysteries. Like the Mystery of the Stolen Map and the Mystery of the Nerdy Kid With a Crush on Maps, and the Mystery of Olive's Tyler Durden Friendship and the Mystery of Pomeline Fritch's Spectacular Bu...um...maybe I'm the only one trying to solve that mystery.

While searching for a way to reverse Colton's expulsion, Maps finds a clue!

Then why are there only twelve drawers on the dresser?

Maps is a better detective than I am because instead of being a cynical asshole who thinks pointing out a dresser of twelve drawers goes against her theory, she thinks, "There must be a secret thirteenth drawer!" And she finds one! Batman never would have figured that out.

Since the first issue, I've been saying Olive's new roommate Amy isn't real. But it's possible she's not real in a different way than I imagined. She might be ... (do a drum roll on your thighs for a few seconds here) ... Millie Jane Cobblepot's ghost! They're really pushing that theory hard this issue. So the first five issues were just, "Amy is Olive's chaotic friend who nobody else seems to notice!" And now this issue is all, "Remember the ghost of Millie Jane Cobblepot?! That might be good knowledge to remember soon! Remember how Pom was looking for her? Remember how Pom did a ceremony to contact her? See how Maps is asking Olive if she thinks ghosts are real?! Hee hee. You're going to be so surprised soon!"

During the adventure, clues are found and some minor points in the mystery are solved. Mostly, the Pizza Detective Club finally get back together from their separate adventures so they can finally solve the Myster of the M/W or A/A Symbol That's All Over Everything and Also Above the Door at Wayne Manor So, Um, You Know, Mystery Probably Solved There?

The shocking cliffhanger ending is more of a cliff-falling ending as Tristan, bound up by Eric the Boy Who Likes Maps, falls off the side of the Secret Elevator. Since he's probably going to die, Amy tells Olive to burn Eric. That's just the kind of thing Tyler Durden would have told the Narrator to do!

After writing that, I just looked up Fight Club to see what Edward Norton's character was called and it was "The Narrator." See? I pay attention to movies I haven't seen in over sixteen years. I also remember the first rule of Fight Club: "Don't eat all the Oreos."

Anyway, Tristan will probably be saved by Batman since he seems to be skulking around stalking kids. And Olive probably won't burn Eric to a crisp, even though her anarchic figment of her imagination thinks she should.

The Ranking!
No change! This book isn't going to change the world the way no other DC Comic book is currently doing so that's probably a statement that didn't need to be made. But it's fun and I love the art and Pomeline's probably secretly, like, forty years old, right? I'm allowed to investigate the Mystery of Pomeline Fritch's Butthole! I bet it's spectacular! Like a treasured relic from an Indiana Jones movie! You probably have to solve all kinds of puzzles and escape from dangerous traps just to lay your eyes on it! And then your face might melt! But I bet it would be worth it.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #5

Pomeline and Bane must be second cousins.

Here's what I wrote in my "review" of Gotham Academy: Second Semester #1: "I wonder if Amy is just a Tyler Durden figment of Olive’s imagination? I hope so! If she is, I hope Olive kisses it!" Try to ignore the part where I want Olive to have a lesbian relationship with a figment of her imagination. I just wanted everybody to know that I called it immediately when it turns out to be true, as the evidence continues to mount. What evidence, you say? The evidence that nobody fucking acknowledges her ever. The evidence that she doesn't appear on panels with the other kids when the perspective changes away from Olive. The evidence that I'm always right about stuff.

Aside from this issue totally trying to expose Amy's fantastical nature, it also exposes Maps' sexuality. She's sexually attracted to maps. I know! Totally not shocking at all given her nickname. But then, my nickname isn't Looking At Naked Women From the Back as They Bend Over, so I wasn't really prepared for her nickname to be the thing she wants to fuck. Also exposed? Eric is a totally evil little shit doing Mr. Scarlet's bidding. I don't know exactly what the bidding is but it's probably connected to finding The Big Old Book of Gotham. Pomeline is also looking for that Book because it contains all the answers to all the mysteries and will break open every case the Pizza Detective Club ever tries to solve.

What Did We Learn?
Practically nothing aside from all of those plot elements I pointed out previously. But this section of the review isn't about plot elements! It's about themes! So I think the theme of this comic book was that no theft goes unpunished even when it probably winds up punishing the person you wanted framed for the theft. So you'll probably be okay if you decide to steal stuff. Just remember to look up the definition to the word "patsy" first.

The Ranking!
No change. This is probably a good place to mention how much I love Adam Archer and Sandra Hope's versions of these characters, right?

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #4

This kind of heat can't be good for the vagina.

There was a time a person could go on the Internet and spout all sorts of incorrect vagina facts and nobody would say a thing because what do Actually Nerds know about vaginas?! But now thanks to feminism, instead of less Actually Nerds, we have more! So now women are getting into the white male virgin dominated Actually Game and constantly exposing my ignorance of the vagina! Hey, people? You do know that equality doesn't have to mean everybody taking on and expressing equally all of the worst traits of humanity, right? Can't we all equally not correct people on the Internet? I take it as a form of bullying! What right do you have to criticize my lack of knowledge of the vagina?! It's not like it would lead to a world where grown-ass men think they know better than women what to do with their...oh. Never mind. Correct away! Tell me how heat actually does affect the vagina! Maybe even submit some pictures! Drawings, of course! I don't expect to be inundated with pictures of female private parts in different controlled climates. Unless it's more scientific that way, of course.

Also, I already know how dicks react to temperature. I don't need any pictures of those!

In this issue, the Pizza Detective Club go to a demonic carnival. It's barely different than a regular carnival. There's a snake lady, a hall of mirrors, a boy who hasn't age in one hundred years, and the attempted abduction of children. In the end, the kids are rescued by Headmaster Hammer who will later pretend nothing strange happened and everybody should just stop talking about it and get back to schoolwork.

What Did We Learn?
Carnivals are evil and run by drunks who steal children. Sometimes those drunks are actually demons, and sometimes they're just assholes.

The Ranking
No change.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #3

Maps makes some new friends.

The Review!
No change. Pizza Detective Club solves yet another weird mystery at Gotham Academy. This time it's an English teacher who's a witch bent on burning all the books in revenge of being dumped by the scrawny Mr. Scarlet. He must be fantastic at cunnilingus because, looking at him, I'd guess that fucking him would be like rolling around on top of a bundle of sticks covered in maple syrup. Colton is still in love with Kyle but Eric might be dropping his crush on Maps now that she burned his notebook. Not that she did it on purpose! Remember the witch!? She totally mind-controlled Maps the way I'd like to mind-control Maps. But I wouldn't ask her to burn books, if you get what I'm getting at. I'd compel her to Dungeon Master every night so I could get my Wood Elf Bard up to epic levels!

During the mystery solving, Colton gets busted again for breaking and entering and theft. But this time, he's going to be expelled. I'm sure everybody will take pity on him when they realize he wears sunglasses constantly because his father beats him. I'm making assumptions but this is basically Degrassi Junior High in comic book form and thirty years later and that's the kind of story you'd expect from that show. It's never-ending drama for five seasons until you get some titty in the movie finale and then maybe drive drunk, kill a kid, and go to prison for years.

What did we learn this issue? Headmaster Hammer doesn't give a shit that every single teacher at his school is involved in supernatural shenanigans but when one student breaks a few minor laws while investigating said shenanigans, Hammer loses his fucking head. The American Education System, amirite?!

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #2

Young people are the worst.

The Review!
So. Know today the way I'll review this issue of Gotham School is by this rule which you've probably noted already. Unless you're not as smart as one who sniffs a fart. In which case, I must wonder why dum-dums read my Tumblr.

The kids these days are into clubs, but I'm still into limbless nubs. This month Mia has become a witch. Trigger warning for this line: a bitch has convinced Olive to be her new friend, a situation Maps would like to end. The kids discover a teacher named Pio is sick, or missing, or just gone to pee. Oh! Colton is apparently in love with Kyle while Eric's in love with Maps. I like his style. Cause other than Pomeline, Maps is my favorite (cause Maps cannot stand that jerk Amy (who gave her shit)). I mean, there are other reasons why I also love Maps! Like how she always role plays and doesn't give any craps. I'm certain the star was supposed to be Olive Silverlock but I lost all respect for her for dating Kyle. Dumb jock.

You might be wondering about some of the other chaps at the school, right? They don't matter unless one of them snaps. And the girls? They are too young to say they shave a bit downstairs. I also shouldn't say I favor a tit of one over another since one might cry. I'll just wind up looking like a huge pedophile.

This issue introduces a new trio: Harriet, Evan, a witch from Yu-Gi-Oh. Evan, a character I hope they spend no time developing, followed the trend and decided to join up with witch club. Is join too strong? He felt an itch to join! Aunt Harriet who scrubs Wayne's house is now one of the subs. The witch has torn asunder Gotham School life. A blunder (although a decent start) the witch will take to heart. Because Mystery Club will certainly stop the old fool because they're cool.

And so to all of you I say, "Good day! Yolo!"

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #1

I wish this series were subtitled "Week #2".

The Commentary!
The first thing that happens in second semester is that Olive gets a new roommate named Pushy. I mean Amy. No wait! The first thing that happens is Olive takes a bath. Totally naked! Which I only mention because it's a fact and not because I'm some demented old perv who gets off on fictional characters' naked body parts drawn by other demented old pervs! I mean, if you've seen one fifteen year old's tits, you're either a super cool teenager or a demented old perv or, you know, somebody who had tits at fifteen. Also some stuff happens before Olive takes a bath but it's lonely, depressing stuff that nobody should allow past their psychic shield or they might wind up spiraling into a black abyss of isolation and fear.

Some people probably think Amy is cool. They see how she wears a cool thermal undershirt underneath a t-shirt with a ratty collar and ratty cuffs on the short sleeves and whose hair is the color of a not quite ripened plum and whose face is full of piercings who has the cavalier attitude that the world is her own and think, "Yasss! She's my jam! And by jam, I mean the stuff that comes out of my nether regions. Ooh la la!" One of the things I learned in my composition classes at university was that you should always tag sexy statements with emotes like "Ooh la la!" so that readers know that they just read something sexy and it's acceptable to be turned on by it.

Amy also steals sandwiches and crushes on Pomeline. Well, who doesn't? Amy isn't as unique as Amy probably thinks she is! Oh, and she's also moving into Maps's side of the room. I guess Maps has a new cuddle buddy for the semester?

Amy turns out to be a dick. I mean, it was obvious she was a dick in the first scene. But she continues to raise the bar on her dickitude. She tempts Olive with all sorts of chaotic nonsense which Olive falls for because Olive just wants to be free from responsibility. She just wants somebody to tell her what to do. She has a pretty low threshold for falling out of her normal behavior. But that's probably because she recently lost her mother for good and she has no actual home and Kyle won't stop asking if he can fingerbang her even though she's told him repeatedly that Maps does it better. So when somebody comes along and says, "Hey! You should throw a rock through that window and break into a museum!", it's easy to say, "Yeah! Yeah, I should do those things!" Plus if you get caught doing those things, you can always rat out the dick who convinced you to do them and, most of the time, if you were generally a decent person before that and the person you ratted out was known for being a pushy, sandwich stealing, hooligan lesbian with facial piercings and colored hair, everybody will believe you. Then they'll hug you because you were the victim of peer pressure and they will sneer at the dick who forced you to do those things by being too cool to not do the things they told you to do. I mean, why else do people begin smoking?! Because some kid who was way cooler than you were was all, "Hey, smoke this and maybe I'll acknowledge your existence."

I wonder if Amy is just a Tyler Durden figment of Olive's imagination? I hope so! If she is, I hope Olive kisses it!

Oh no! She's destroying art! I hope the people who instantly loved Amy are suddenly upset that Fletcher totally screwed up her character and apparently doesn't really "get" Amy at all!

Olive and Amy run into Eric inside the Wedgwood Museum. You remember Eric, right?! He's the one who does art who is totally in love with Maps but Maps only likes him because he can draw the pictures for her Spells and Serpents characters! For some reason, he has a key to the museum. He also knows all of the secret passages inside it. Especially the secret passage where he jerks off thinking about Maps.

Eric has been following the "Arkham" signs all over the campus which led him to the secret room in the Wedgwood Museum! Of course, the "Arkham" sign is really just a Wayne Manor monogram. It's totally just a "W" on top of an "M" and not an "A" on top of an upside-down "A" because that is stupid. Although it could also be a monogram for Wedgwood Museum! The mystery grows more mysterious!

Amy continues to be a dick. Big old floppy dick. Jerkiest dick in Gotham, really.

Amy runs off with Eric's backpack full of wank material which also contains his inhaler. When Olive and Eric emerge from the museum, they're caught by Mr. Scarlet who is completely understanding because Olive has always been such a good kid. Olive decides not to snitch on Amy because snitches are bitches or something. So Amy gets to continue to go to Gotham Academy so she can be a dick to Kyle and Maps and Pomeline and Coulton too! So awesome!

The next day, Olive discovers Professor MacPherson stood her up the previous night to go out with Bruce Wayne. No wonder Olive's mind created her Amy Durden so that she can allow herself to step outside of society's normal rules! That's also probably why "Amy" slashed the picture of Bruce Wayne!

Mmmm. I bet Isla MacPherson and Bruce Wayne fucked so hard! Ooh la la!

My farts smell like mysteries and coal smoke too!

The Ranking!
+2! First rule of Gotham Academy is I probably shouldn't make sexually explicit statements about the characters because they're all so young and fictional.

Gotham Academy Annual #1

Yes! I'm down with Detective Club!

My Commentary!
• Will this be the issue in which Maps reveals she's trans? Probably not. It might, however, be the issue where she reveals she's adorable. Just kidding! That issue has already been published and it was called all of them!

• This issue begins positing a strange question: what if you could be better than a great, strong building and live forever but the main reason you want to live forever is to outlive your enemies and their progeny? That seems oddly specific? Can I just answer "Would you want to live forever?" Do I have to have weird ulterior motives and, for some odd reason, compare my longevity to that of a building, especially when I don't think of buildings as having a rare ability to withstand the ravages of time.

• Olive is awakened by a nightmare (or Maps touching her in her sleep) just in time for Olive and Maps to catch a glimpse of a caped figure leaping across rooftops! They also notice the chapel has been struck by lightning and is on fire. Stupid chapel! It should have been stronger and greater!

• Maps touches Olive on the back and moans. Then she says, "Let's get Detective Club together! Do you want to try out the new uniforms I got us?!" The new uniforms are crotchless panties. Olive declines.

• The caped shadow is seen by the Detective Club stealing a coffin out of the chapel's Antiquities Room. That's the room where the Antiquities are kept! And apparently coffins!

• Olive gets sick and collapses. I bet Maps is poisoning her so that she can take care of her by undressing her and placing bags of frozen peas on her nipples to cool the fever. "Starve a cold, place frozen bags of peas on the nipples to squelch a fever" my grandmother used to always say.

• Pomeline declares that it isn't a flu going around campus but a bunch of vampires! That seems like a Coast to Coast AM summation of events. Did she hear it from an old white truck driver who once thought, "I bet the flue is really caused by the transmission of undead blood cells by late night roaming monster men!" And because he had that thought, it was equally valid as anything Newton ever came up with. I mean, what's the difference?! Why should Newton's "theories" be any more valid than a dope who doesn't understand the difference between O₂ and O₃?!

• I think I know the difference! The smell!

• Part of Pomeline's proof is that Jen Thompson had a hickey. She might be on to something. Jen Thompson does sleep around with a lot of guys which would leave her open to sleeping with a vampire and thus wind up with a bruised and bloodied neck!

• Colton believes a new professor is behind the sickness and the coffin stealing and he has even lousier evidence to support his theory than Pomeline had! Which is what makes Pomeline's theory so perfect. Because so far it's the only one anybody has said that doesn't make sense but at least doesn't make less sense than the others!

• These kids in Detective Club aren't very good at their job. You don't just come up with a theory and then search for evidence of that theory! You search for clues and then build a theory based on the clues! Haven't any of them taken the Trixie Belden's So You Want To Become The World's Greatest Detective Home Course?! Amateurs!

Yes! Yes! Go there! Is it Olive?! Or Kyle?!

• The Detective Club suffers a schism as Pomeline and Tristan rush off to fight vampires and Colton and Kyle rush off to stalk a teacher. That leaves Maps to go tend to Olive whose temperature is probably making her really uncomfortable right now with that wool school uniform still on.

• Colton and Kyle don't discover that Powers, the new teacher, is a vampire but they almost do! So maybe Pomeline and Colton are both correct, no matter how absurd that would be!

• Warren, Colton's paid sidekick, sometimes has blonde hair and sometimes has orange hair. Is that a vampire thing?!

I guess it is a vampire thing!

• It's obvious what's happening now! Dracula has come to Gotham Academy and Van Helsing has changed his name to Powers and gone undercover at the school to capture him. Case closed!

• Pomeline and Tristan chase Warren and run into Dracula. Duh! I figured it out in the last bullet point! That Trixie Belden's So You Want To Become The World's Greatest Detective Home Course is really paying off!

• Dracula claims his name is Gustav Decobra which isn't quite an anagram of Count Dracula but could be if you've recently suffered a head injury. And Powers says his ghostly name is Blight but if he has one alias, he's bound to have two! So he's obviously Van Helsing hunting Decobra. I don't even have to read any more of this comic book because I totally figured it out.

• My theory is totally correct and the kids do a thing and save the day. The end. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Shut up, Maps! That isn't what happened at all! It was Dracula and Van Helsing!

• I wonder if Maps is going to guest star in the new Batman Beyond series now that she traveled to the future? That part wasn't important to the Dracula/Van Helsing story so I didn't mention it. Just forget I said anything.

The Review
This is an Annual! I don't fucking review annuals! They're always just so...so...ANNUALLY!

Black Canary #12

The Review!
This is just The Last Temptation of Christ but starring Dinah Lance! At least it's shorter! And Brenden Fletcher's name is easier to spell than Nikolas Kazantzakis! Just a second while I consult Lord Google. Holy shit! I spelled the last name right! But I got the first name wrong. It's just Niko! But I bet that's short for Nikolas, right?!

The Commentary!
In this issue, Dinah Lance gets asked the stupidest question anybody can ever ask another person.

Stop judging me for not living my life the way you think I should be living it! I mean stop judging Dinah!

Nobody should ever feel obligated to live their life in a way somebody else expects them to. Even if they have a gift. Even if they have the ability to help others. Even if they could bring peace to the entire sodding world through some magic hoodoo. Nobody else has to live inside your own head. It's unfair to expect more than somebody is already giving. It's unfair to expect other people to view the world in the same way that you view it, and to act according to your desires, no matter how selfless or charitable your desires may be. We can only be who we are, and, in the end, we will only answer to ourselves. We can only answer to ourselves. And sometimes what we want is to not kick criminals in the teeth on a constant basis! Sometimes we just want to fucking sing!

But since Black Canary is a hero, I bet her singing is helping more than kicking people in the face! Somehow! It's, like, inspiring or something! It's making the world a better place! It has to be or else we're all going to judge her for only caring about herself and not others! How dare she!

Since the next scene is has another "One Year Later" tag, this must be Dinah's visions of her possible future as she lays dying with a katana in her gut. In her vision of the future as the lead singer of Black Canary, somebody (Izak Orato?) is convincing her that giving people joy is a noble way to live. But she doubts that because she remembers kicking people in the junk was an actual noble way to live! I don't mean I believe that but I think Dinah still believes that because she had all of that Team 7 brainwashing. I mean training.

Not that I think bringing people joy is a noble way to live either! Both ways are just ways to live. Nobility has nothing to do with any of them. Do what you want, Dinah! Stop being distracted and controlled by other people. I mean, you can even choose to just bleed out and stop struggling with your destiny, if you wanted to!

The Justice League can only be saved by roundhouses and leg sweeps?! Diana's subconscious has a really healthy self-esteem!

Black Canary's musical future begins to get bleaker and bleaker as she realizes at forty that she's become a commercial sellout. Her music reached a broader audience and her miserable little fans couldn't be any less happier for her! They accuse her of leaving her art behind to become a bland, moneymaking puppet! And, of course, her nemesis Ravedeath continues to wreak havoc on the world because she fell for his offer. Now she's a musician instead of a super hero and only her judo kicks can stop him!

Dinah tries to get Black Canary back together because her life has lost all meaning. I guess I was wrong about people choosing to live with their choices instead of being bullied by obligation! See what happens when you make the selfish choice? You wind up dying lonely and unloved! Except Dinah is already dying lonely and unloved and this is all in her imagination because she's really lying on a floor with a katana in her belly.

As all hallucinogenic temptations do, Dinah's passes in time and she returns to the present with the information she needs to create the proper future. She knows the Five Heavens Palm and means to use it on Izak to stop Ravedeath from destroying the universe. Although can you use hallucinations as evidence in your manslaughter trial? Won't Dinah just wind up in prison for killing a record producer?

Luckily Ravedeath decided to attack in demon form instead of human form. I think people are allowed to kill demons with karate moves. I suppose it was also self-defense. Whatever! Black Canary defeats the bad person and realizes she was never cut out to be the singer in a band! That's independent comic shit! She's a super hero!

So, you know, she quits the band and moves to Seattle. Which is great news! Not the Seattle part! The part about quitting the band. Because now Bo Maeve is the lead singer of Black Canary! The band just got five bajillion times better! And sexier! And mean-spiriteder! I love Bo! Hopefully the end of this comic doesn't mean the end of Bo.

Batgirl #52

I think Batgirl just got stung in the face by a wasp.

The Review!
One day, Mary Sue was sitting down for lunch after her morning lecture, "Do Not Think of the Transporters as Suicide Machines or People Replicators." She was desperate for a big, fat, juicy sausage. Her lips were watering just thinking about sliding a huge sausage into the proper orifice. You know the one! The one that enjoys sausages! Did you see me winking as I typed that? Cadet Jenkins McElroy wandered into the canteen and picked up an empty tray that would soon be loaded with sausages of his own. And probably some eggs and toast and maybe beans since Star Fleet was an amalgam of all cultures, even the weird ones that eat beans for breakfast. "Hey, Mary Sue! What's going on?" asked Jenkins with his sausage hole. "Ohhhhhh," moaned Mary Sue because Star Fleet uniforms were so tight that she could totally see Jenkins was hiding a sausage in the appropriate place for guys to have sausages. "Oh Mary Sue! You kidder!" said Jenkins not understanding what was going on at all because he was a virgin and he had never heard a sex moan before. I have heard them a lot which is why I know that they sound like "Ohhhh!" And if you don't think that's what a sex sound sounds like, you probably read it incorrectly and should read it the way it really sounds. You should also read it out loud and record it and email me the recording but only if you're a female because I don't want to hear a guy doing a sex sound. I've heard that enough! I mean because I've heard my own sex sounds all those times I've done it a lot! Now I forgot where I was in the story. I think Mary Sue fell asleep satisfied and full of sausage or something.

The Commentary!
Dear Diary,
I am a sham! A lousy, good-for-nothing sham! I'm not the virgin you thought I was! I can't keep my deep, dark secret any longer! I'm a different virgin! Ha ha!

Here's the thing, Diary! I don't want to be superhero! I want to be a stand-up comedian! I can take the stage name Oracle and tell jokes about my vagina! "My vagina is like a greyhound bus! A lot of people have spent a lot of miserable time inside of it! OH!" Then the audience members will look at each other and wink and say things like "She bangs a lot!" and "She's talking about doing it!" Here's another joke I'm working on: "So the other day, Mary Sue--that's what I call my vadge--was all, 'Let's fuck that guy over there!' And I was all, 'That's a lamppost!' And Mary Sue was all, 'I know!'" Okay, so I need to work on my material! But that's the problem. I'm spending all of my time being a superhero and no time writing super funny jokes to tell while standing up!

Oh! I wonder if that's why The Joker shot me in the spine! He didn't want any competition so he made sure I couldn't stand up or be funny due to having been traumatized! That guy!

Another thing I've been super busy with is hanging around with my new girl crew. We call ourselves the Pussy Patrol. Well, I do! They want to call themselves the Birds of Prey but I'm like, "The only bird in this group is Black Canary!" And then Bluebird was all, "Hey! Bitch!" And I was all, "Also isn't it kind of degrading to refer to ourselves as 'birds'? And isn't it a little violent to think of ourselves as birds who eat other birds? Oh wait! I just got that! It's a cunnilingus reference! Uh oh. Mary Sue is hulking out!"

So the other night, I was hanging with the Pussy Patrol when we heard that Gladius was holding the kids of Gotham Academy hostage! I was all, "We have to save them even if I'm already super busy trying to balance my social life, my family life, my career life, my imaginary love life, my Mary Sue hygiene life, and my superhero life!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Tell me about it, sister! So difficult! OH HOW I WANT A BABY SO BADLY!" But Admiral Grump Canary was all, "It's a trap!" And Vixen was all, "Does anybody have any wacky nose pep?" See, because she's a model and they all do that, right? I don't know! I'm a drugs virgin too, okay?! And the Spoiler was all, "And it turns out, she was really a guy!" And Blackbird was all, "I was in the middle of getting my head shaved when you called! I mean, that must be the explanation of my hair style, right? Nobody would really go around with half of their head shaved when they're trying to keep a secret identity, you know?!" But I was all, "Don't worry, Pussies! I have a plan! Dun dun dun DUN!"

My plan was basically to go in and kick butt but they didn't need to know it was that simple! Mostly I could call it a plan because I knew a secret way into the library where the kids were being held. Which probably didn't matter so much because we were still walking into a trap. Why do heroes always walk into traps when they know they're traps? I think most of the time we just say we know something is a trap so if it turns out to be a trap, we can be all, "I knew it!"

Ugh. What the hell are you wearing, Grump Canary?!

The plan took a terrible turn when I confronted Gladius and said, "You're surrounded!" But the Pussy Patrol were all standing behind me because some people don't know how to follow plans! How embarrassing! Now all the kids at Gotham Academy think I don't know the definition of surrounded!

Maybe nobody noticed because almost immediately, Gladius went all Boss Battle on us! She grew four more arms and they were all wielding swords and she was all, "Now get in to melee combat with me and don't you dare try to attack me with ranged weapons!" So most of the Pussy Patrol were all, "Okay!" And I was left to spit out that little cloud of air like they do in Mangas when a character is exasperated! Even Bluebird closes in on Gladius and she uses electricity guns! They're not Tasers because those are trademarks and she makes her own versions which she hasn't named yet. Unless she has and I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking of some way to get a dick up in Mary Sue.

AnySwayze, I was all, "Let me show them how it's done! I'll impress them all with my ranged attack skills by taking out Gladius's remote control of her mechanical arms from a ranged distance down range!"

Why is my memory so good?! Now I'll never forget this embarrassing verbal flub!

So it turned out Gladius wasn't exactly Gladius! She was just pseudo-Gladius! The real Gladius went running off looking for the Negahedron which is some thing that does something bad or something. I know I have an eidetic memory but sometimes things are so boring I just never really pay attention when I first learn about them.

Since the Pussy Patrol worked as a team all night, I decided to send them all home so I could take down Gladius all by myself! Mostly because Gladius had taken off on a fire engine and I wasn't about to bring Vixen and Grump Canary along with me. What firefighter would look at me when Grump Canary's everything is hanging out of her fishnets and Vixen is acting like she's on the catwalk (also probably walking like a cat because of her powers)?

Damn it! I'll remember this flub forever too! What is wrong with my speech capabilities?! Luckily none of the hot studs they use for the calendars which I totally don't rub Mary Sue on were around to hear me.

After the adventure, I ended up at my surprise going away party. Wait. What? Where am I going away to?! I didn't know I was going away! What's going on here?! Who's messing with my mind and my life?! Why is my world always changing around me without my consent?! Life is terrible!

Gotham Academy #18

Olive is aroused by the way Maps eats pizza.

The Review or Whatever!
Gotham Academy's Yearbook phase is really just professional comic book writers and artists practicing their fanfiction skills. Why didn't DC Comics reach out to me to write a short story about Maps' first sexual experience dressed as a raccoon at a Furry Convention where she pegs some girl dressed as a chipmunk? Oh wait. I think the question was its own answer. There should be a word for that. I bet German has a word for it. No wait. I just asked the Non-Certified Spouse and she declared it would have to be a phrase. I think she's too distracted to come up with one because there's no way German doesn't have a word for anything I can think of. I bet German even has a word for when German doesn't have a word for something.

Damian Wayne has recently stolen Maps' Super Secret Gotham Academy Yearbook because he's a dick. See that? Those are the kinds of values you grow up with when you're an only child raised by the League of Assassins' single mother second-in-command and then shunted off to your absentee father who is also a billionaire and a vigilante and a super terrible father figure. You can't help but think that anything you want is yours and you have the right to do anything you want. Bruce has been so busy trying to teach Damian not to kill that he hasn't had time to provide him any kind of guidance for the real world. Hell, Bruce let Damian bring a cow home! What kind of lax, compensating parent does that?! Oh hey! The question answered itself again! The kind of parent who is lax and compensating!

The first story is called "Whatever Happened to Professor Milo...?" and it's about what happened to Professor Milo. I don't even remember Professor Milo. I don't even remember if I'm supposed to remember Professor Milo or if this is the first time he's been mentioned. I think I wiped my memory clean after reading Rebirth! I was all, "Whew! New continuity! I don't have to remember anything anymore!" Except maybe I do remember him! His first name was Achilles and Batman punched him in the fucking stupid face in Batman Eternal! I also decided to start swearing because that gets all the hip cats to my backyard. Fucking-A!

I didn't really remember that. I probably shouldn't pretend I'm something I'm not. I actually just put "Milo" into the search bar on my Blogger page and it reminded me of that time in Batman Eternal. It also reminded me that there was a Milo in Scott Lobdell's Doomed comic book. Fuck you, Blogger Search Bar! If I wanted to be reminded of Scott Lobdell's comic books, I would have searched for "shittiest shit in Shitsville".

How do you like all the swearing? It's pretty rad, right? Is saying "rad" rad? I fucking hope so!

Milo's story simply explains why Coach Humphreys becomes a werewolf or man-bat or something. It also explains something about why he was involved with Arkham in Batman Eternal. I'm not sure why I care about any of it. The best part of the story was when Maps did her Puttin' on the Ritz dance.

This is probably the best panel of the entire New 52. Or is this technically the DC You? Is this part of Afterbirth? Whatever. It's good!

The next story is about the shop teacher named Mister Silversmith. He must be a super villain as well but I don't know any by that name. Is there a villain called the Silver Smith? If not, dibs on the name! He might sound boring but if I'm writing his stories, he'll be fucking rad! Also Silver Smith will be a woman. A gay woman! A gay woman from Thailand! A gay woman from Thailand with dyslexia! Fat wallet, here I come!

Mister Silversmith talks like a super villain in his lesson about plating an aloe plant in silver. I mean an artichoke. No wait, it's an agave. Whatever! It's one of those plants that will almost certainly put your eye out.

In this story by Steve Orlando, we learn that Maps is a raging gay. No wait! That was the last issue of Midnighter. I mean, not that Maps isn't a raging gay but I think she might wind up being trans. Of course, I shouldn't be the one to label her. She's just Maps and she's an individual who will be whatever or whomever she winds up being. And whatever that is, I will love her no less than I already love her because she is fucking rad. No, what we really learn is that Maps now has a silver coated dagger which she'll probably use to kill Coach Humphreys later.

I wouldn't mind if Adam Archer continued to draw Olive and Maps until he dies.

Robin takes off from the work of the theater department on hang-glider wings. That leaves Maps and Olive to follow them in a golf cart which Maps learned to drive in the next story. I hope they follow Damian all the way to the Batcave because once a person discovers the Batcave, they automatically get to be Robin. If Maps never becomes a Robin, I'm going to track down Geoff Johns and glare at him uncomfortably.

Except they don't quite get to the Batcave. Damian just leaves the scrapbook in the woods with a present for Maps: a first edition Serpents & Spells handbook. Bah! It would have been better if he left her a first edition Deities and Demigods with the copyright infringing entries like Elric!

I can't wait for the second semester! That's the semester where Pomeline and Olive lose their virginity to each other! I bet!

Black Canary #11

Is the cover supposed to look scuffed or did I just get a shitty copy?!

The Review or Whatever!
In this issue, Black Canary fights a vampire or something. It doesn't go well and she winds up alone and unloved with a katana sticking through her. Although Ditto shows up to tell her that she's never been alone or some syrupy bullshit. This just feels like a story desperately searching for an ending in the small amount of time it has left. And this review is desperately searching for a way to not have to go any further than this sentence.

Batgirl #51

What a fucking waste, Babs! Throwing away beautiful Doc Martens like that while children in India are running around barefoot! Probably!

The Review!
Barbara Gordon isn't so much learning that as a woman living in modern times, she can't have it all so much as she's learning that as a woman living in modern times, she has to fret and worry about how she can't have it all. Myself, I think she's being too dramatic. But that's the whole point! Batgirl's life needs drama just when everything seems to be working out. She has great friends. She has a boyfriend. She has a business. She's a super hero. She's making a strong go of living on her own as an adult. The issue of children and family hasn't even been brought up yet and she's already breaking down! Perhaps I'm being too sensitive to this "working woman struggling with balance in her life" story because of how browbeatingly awful it's been used in the Finches' Wonder Woman comic book. But I feel like female characters are being forced to be too introspective about how much of their life they're giving up by choosing to be a superhero. It would be one thing if Bruce Wayne were the only character able to run a business, "raise a kid", and be a hero because he obviously gave up on having a normal family when he was eight. Plus the "raise a kid" part is in quotes since I don't think it counts as raising a child if you put him in a garish costume and keep him up all night risking his life. Batman is DC's favorite son, so even if Batman had a perfect relationship, he would be an anomaly because he's the motherfucking Batman. But what about Aquaman? He has it all! No, wait. I don't think I count him as a "superhero". He's more of a joke in a stupid costume. But Superman of Lois and Clark! He's got it all, right?! Unless he doesn't have a job. Does Clark White have a job? I don't remember!

Um, anyway, whatever the case with everybody's lives in the DC Youniverse, it doesn't seem like the male characters have to eat their fucking hearts out worrying about the situation. Batgirl's solution by the end of this comic book is to give her job as president of Gordon Green Gassy Electric to Alysia. That's a good solution because who wants to see Batgirl have a day job anyway? What a bore! She also decides to take some time away from Luke which is okay by me too for the same reason! What a bore! Batwing has never been sexy or exciting! Besides, his suit makes him look fat. Ultimately, Barbara will wind up spending more time with her friends as Batgirl which is really all I want from this comic book anyway. And maybe some sexy slumber parties!

Black Canary #10

Is this the cover of Black Canary's new album, Zombie Batgirl?

The Review!
I'm not forgetting that you owe me four pages of Black Canary comic book, DC Comics! Until then, I refuse to give a proper review of this comic book which is aimed at the type of people who describe every musical act with a hodgepodge of terms to make themselves seem more knowledgeable about music. "Tattered Cumrags is like a synth 80s basement pseudo-rockabilly post-prepunk skat (that's a type of ska scat, of course!) garage funk-jazz combo death-ballad deal with the most authentic stage act I've ever been seen enjoying. You should read my review on my music blog!" In much the way that I like this new hip style of comic book in the pages of Batgirl, I can't stand it in the pages of Black Canary. I might still roll my eyes whenever Batgirl's creative team tries to make the comic book like a video game or shows her shopping at artsy toy stores full of anime and record albums, or expresses how social contact through technology is literally the most important thing to young people, or overuses the word literally, but I still enjoy the characters and the stories. Or should I say "story" since every story has been somebody trying to steal Batgirl's mind or identity. But when this comic book does any of those things, I just can't stop making jerking off motions with both hands and maybe even one of my feet. This comic is like a man who cultivates a beard and uses oils on it and feels proud of it when all he's really done is not fucking shave. I resent young people with beards. It makes my appearance seem calculated and pretentious when it's really just that I can't fucking be bothered with staying kempt anymore.

Okay, fine. My facial hair is on point. Or are we still saying on fleek? Okay fine. I've never said that in my life. I'm sorry I even brought it up.

The Commentary
This issue begins with Babs and Grumps checking out Black Canary videos on whatever the DC You calls YouTube which I would never acknowledge even if I could remember what they call it. So right from the start, I'm making jerking off motions all over the place. Although in the video, Black Canary's boobs are fleeking the fuck out, so I'm enjoying that much, at least. Plus the comic begins to read like a Batgirl book anyway so maybe I'm coming around on this Black Canary thing. As long as she stays away from the music scene, I might be able to enjoy reading this comic book (even though it still owes me four pages).

I can't even imagine how that mistake in the last panel comes about. At first glance, it seems obvious that the word balloons are on the wrong characters. But why would Moritat have drawn Grump Canary so happy and Barbara looking so pissed? Except wait! The one in the back actually is Grump Canary! You can tell by her lack of lips and her cuffed trousers. But then why is she suddenly wearing Barbara's shirt and sporting Babs's hair color? It's not like Moritat was using an inker who might have fucked it up and sketched in some changes. Can the colorist make changes like that? Is this Lee's fault completely?! Not to mention the editors who let this panel through!

Oh wait! I found Grump Canary's lips!

How did she do that? Was she just sucking them in the entire time?!

Just when I thought I was going to enjoy this Batgirlized version of Black Canary, the duo go to stop some guy named Mad Wax who is robbing a record store. OH MY GOD THIS COMIC IS SO COOL IT TAKES PLACE IN A RECORD STORE FUCK ME ARGLE BARGLE!

Mad Wax recognizes Grump Canary as D.D. and flips the fuck out because it allows him to use words like "amazing" and "E.P." I hate him. I especially hate Mad Wax because how does he afford henchmen when he's merely stealing records? It would probably be more profitable if he worked alone and instead of stealing records, he just used his encyclopedic knowledge of them to find rare tracks being sold in record stores that don't know any better and then selling them online for a huge profit. I guess that wouldn't be cool enough. Who would take his weekend DJing gig seriously if he was just a record buyer and not a Gotham super-villain!

Grump Canary is in town to do some research with Batgirl's help. It's all in the name of figuring out what happened to Dinah's mom and why Dinah's aunt is now the leader of a Ninja Death Cult and how Vixen might be tied into it all as well. And then Moritat's six pages of art end and I lose about 30% of my interest in reading the comic book. No offense to Sandy but I fucking love Moritat's art.

The rest of the story is a fight between Grump Canary and an electric ninja looking to learn the Five Heavens Palm technique created by Dinah's mom. But Dinah doesn't know it so the electric ninja kills herself for nothing. Afterward, Dinah discovers her band is in Berlin and playing in a club that's owned by some guy who is tied into the mystery of Dinah's mom's death. So it's back to Germany next month!

Batgirl #50

Frankie is looking HAWT.

The Review
I really love Batgirl of Burnside and for some reason, I didn't have it in the highly recommended category on my review site. Or whatever I call it. Must reads? Best of DC? Books with the perkiest tits? Anyhow, it's one of my favorites and I've rectumified the error.

The Commentary
Dear Diary,

Today I filled in a crossword puzzle with only the word penis, and a sudoku with only little images of cocks. I did this at the laundromat with a magazine I found lying near the washer I was using. I needed to do laundry because I sniffed the gusset on every single one of my underpants and all of them smelled like I had just come back from programming class staring at the hot guy three seats up and four seats over who has a pleasant habit of touching his crotch while he thinks through a logic problem. I don't know if that's actually a pleasant habit but I know I enjoy watching it because he's totally doing it subconsciously so I feel like I'm spying on something nasty. Sometimes I think of asking him out and putting his hand in my lap and saying, "Write a program to determine the least number of moves a person can make to win at Checkers if their opponent moves their far right-hand piece first." Oh god, I feel tingly! Why don't I just have the balls to ask him--or anybody!--on a simple fuck date!

I wonder if Steph or Harper eat pussy?

I am so pent up!

Look at this rear end! How has no tongue ever tracked it's way across my butthole, over my taint, and straight on til morning?!

Why can't I be as popular with the boys as I am with supervillains, whackjobs, and serial killers?! I don't even mind if a guy just wants me for my hot perky bod! I'm sick of guys going after me for my mind, like that one guy whose name I can't remember when I first got to Burnside or that other guy whose name I can't remember because he's been stealing all of my memories or that other guy who was a cop but I fucked up my chance with him. And before that, the only people after me were women! That was weird. And hot in a way. I don't know if I really want to kiss another woman but I wouldn't mind some oral sex from one. That's not Batgay, is it?

Oh, I remembered the name of the guy whose ass I kicked yesterday! The Fugue! More like the Fugly, amirite, Diary?! That creep went through my underwear drawer, so he had to pay!

We should start a band named Hawt Bitches. We would all have cool nicknames like Bootyspread, Grumpfuck, Virgin Slut, Accidental Blowjob, and Electric Bungholelube. It would be like the girl version of Gwar! Except instead of blood and violence, we'd shower the audience with nudity and sex juices! Also maybe blood and violence since Black Canary--I mean Grumpfuck!--will be in the group.

Fugue thought up this overly complicated plan to murder thousands of people and blame it all on me. What's up with Gotham Baddies trying to ruin my sparkling--if too pure--reputation?! What the poop did I do?! It's a good thing I had the girl band with me to take out Fugue's allies while I dealt with him. It's like I have my own little Batfamily of hawt little super sluts!

Electric Bungholelube took out Killer Moth by grasping his goo gun and turning it around on him, spraying the sticky ejaculate all over his body until he couldn't move. Ugh! I'm so jealous!

Accidental Blowjob was up against the Jawbreakers which, now that I've written it down, is totes fitting! I saw the recordings of the fight and at one point, Accidental Blowjob says, "It looks like I'm gonna have my hands full down there." Oh man! Why didn't she say "mouth" instead of "hands"?! I mean, I know why she didn't. Because she doesn't know I've been calling her Accidental Blowjob. Although if she knew, she'd probably just smile and laugh and say, "Oh yeah! I would totally accidentally blow a guy! Probably when I was just going to shake hands or something!"

Or Accidental Blowjob! Maybe the Purple Peepee Eater?

Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube wound up having to battle Corporal Punishment as well as the Jawbreakers. Christ, even without my silly sexy codenames, this adventure I just had sounds like a porn movie. Corporal Punishment? What was she planning on doing? Putting Batman over her knee? Bane already did that! HA!

Not that Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube couldn't take care of a simpleton like Corporal Punishment themselves but I still sent Bootyspread along to help. And by "sending Bootyspread", of course I meant Bootyspread hacked into the Gotham Police Department and took control of one of their Batman Robots! We've actually begun calling Bootyspread "Operator" which doesn't really help tone down the porniness of the story.

Bootyspread might need to work on her one-liners.

Fugue spread some video of me telling everybody to meet on the bridge so he could blow it up and kill them all. Not only is he trying to blame me for his massacre, he also made me say "an historic"! Ugh! Pee-yuke! What a pretentious twat! Farts! I hope nobody remembers this and goes around thinking I talk like that!

Grumpfuck was given the task of battling Velvet Tiger and just thinking about it has me all steamy in the underpants. Now those are women! I can't imagine ever being old enough to feel like a real woman like Black Canary or Velvet Tiger! I imagine they meet a man and they take his cock in hand and they know exactly what to do with it and where to put it and when to put it there! I would be all, "Does it go in here yet? How about now? What about in here? Can it go in here first and then in here or would that be gauche and unsanitary?!" I imagine there were at least three orgasms during the battle of Grumpfuck and Velvet Tiger!

In the end, Fugue's entire plan was just to rob a bank. Well, that didn't stop my plan of kicking his ass from going on as, um, planned! Yeah!

Oh my god. I give myself such a huge boner!

Oh, and by the way, Diary, I started my own business! Well, "my own" if you forget about Luke Fox being my "partner". I hope he doesn't have any hangups about sex between coworkers! Or about coworkers masturbating on his office chair after hours while smelling the musk from the t-shirt he left in his locker in the corporate gym!

Gotham Academy #13

I'm considering getting drunk.

I'm not really in the mood to read more comic books tonight but I'm not really in the mood to do anything else either. I tried playing a little more Temple of Elemental Evil but Zuggtmoy kicked my ass and then I made a deal with Hedrack not to fight but as soon as the conversation ended, he was all, "Hey! Let's fight!" Fucker. I'm going to get drunk and kill you, you piece of shit! But first I guess I'll read this Robin War tie-in.

This issue is called "Robins vs. Zombies" and I already know what's going to happen because Riko spilled the beans all over the other Robin War comic books. A Talon is going to enroll at Gotham Academy and nobody is going to let him sit with them at lunch because Gotham Academy doesn't really have an undead clique. And Maps was probably busy writing a dungeon crawl for her role playing game, Serpents and Spells, or else she totally would have invited the zombie to sit at her table.

Now I'm not sure if I want Olive to make out with Pomeline or Riko!

Maps is upset because Riko has the same backpack and because Riko is taking Olive's open roommate slot (that isn't an innuendo unless you want it to be and you're a total pedo (oh, who am I kidding? They're only fictional characters! Imagine them doing whatever you want to each other!)). I totally fucking knew Riko was going to try to be the new Maps! I called it last issue because I'm super overprotective of my Maps! Fuckin' Riko. You can go to hell, Riko! Or better yet! You can go to the hell that people in hell go to when they die in hell! You go to hell's hell, jerko!

Later that night, Pizza Detective Club begins investigating the Case of the Greenhouse Zombie! They set up a trap to catch the zombie but since they're practically the Scooby Doo gang and they've baited the trap with food, one of them is going to get hungry and fall into the trap themselves! Now which one is the most like Shaggy? Colton, right?! Although Riko isn't with them and she needs to get involved so she'll probably get caught in the trap while doing some Robin work.

Or she'll just get invited to join. Don't they all look adorable?!

Maps's plan doesn't quite work out the way she thought it would, probably because she was flirting so hard with Riko. But it does get Kirk's Langstrom's attention which is when I begin yawning and trying not to fall asleep. I don't know how anybody stays awake reading a Man-bat comic book! I was only just able to stay awake because Kirk Langstrom is just a tad bit more interesting when he's not Man-bat. He's also just acting as an adviser to the Pizza Detective Club and I really like those guys. So while barely holding my interest, I'm able to continue reading about their second plan to catch the zombie. This one involves mumbo-jumbo comic book bullshit that almost sounds scientific enough to be fictionally plausible! And guess what?!

Hey! Wake up! I said, "Guess what?!"

It works! The zombie comes back to the lab to--cross my fingers--murder Kirk Langstrom!

The Talon must be an ancestor of Olive's!

The Talon introduces himself as Efrem. Kirk Langstrom decides to keep him on in the lab to sterilize tools and sweep up. The Pizza Detective Club shrugs and decides to put this mystery in the solved column. Then Olive calls the cops on Riko and gets her ass thrown out of Gotham Academy for being a Robin. See, Olive isn't exactly on the best of terms with the Batfamily. Probably because they threw her mother in Arkham.

Maps tries to tangle with the cops but Damian stops her. She doesn't know it's Damian because he keeps his identity hidden by standing in a tree a few feet away from her totally exposed. Then he explains that he's going to start a war and that maybe she and her friends should order a pizza and go play some Serpents and Spells and ignore the awful screams of Robins being torn to pieces by Talons outside the dorm windows.

Gotham Academy #13 Rating: No change. At first I thought I wasn't going to like the art because it wasn't Karl Kerschl's art. But then I was like "Oh my God! They're so cute!" and "Look at that face Maps is making!" and "Olive has never been more adorable!" So I think those exclamations meant I liked it after all. I'm glad Riko didn't take Maps' place in the Pizza Detective Club but I'm fairly certain this story would have been better if Pomeline and Riko had kissed a little bit. Mostly on the mouth, of course! I don't expect any fisting to take place on a first date! At least not a first date between young people. Forty year olds going on a first date? Holy shit, things are going to get fucking weird.

Gotham Academy #12

Why isn't the main character on the cover?

Hopefully at the one year mark, we'll get an ending to the Sybil Silverlock story. Then Olive can get serious about her school work and Maps can take over the lead. Unless that jerk Riko thinks she's going to get the lead! If she winds up at Gotham Academy for good, she'd better know her place! Maps is the leader of Pizza Detective Club and she's more of a real Robin than Riko ever will be! Maps had the approval of two separate Robins before this stupid We Are Robin movement even began!

While Maps and Olive were off looking for clues as to the identity of Calamity, Kyle Mizoguchi disappeared. Now Maps is upset because that was her brother but Olive is probably sort of glad because he was her ex and it's always easier when your ex just mysteriously disappears and you can breathe easy knowing you'll never run into them again.

Maps isn't actually upset either. She wants to keep looking for Kyle but she knows the school is going to send her home to be with her parents while the search for Kyle goes on. So Maps and Olive recruit Katherine Karlo to mimic Maps so Maps can lead the Pizza Detective Club to victory.

I think Katherine took a huge blow to the head during the Hamlet fiasco. Has nobody thought about getting her some medical attention for a possible concussion?

The Pizza Detective Club have a key to Arkham Asylum so that's the first place they go to look for clues. I guess it's been rebuilt since The Spectre sent it to hell! Alfred has Wayne Manor back and the crazy people have to go somewhere other than the streets of Gotham.

Hmm. Maybe I imagined the asylum going to hell. Am I the only one who read Batman Eternal? Was that just a dream?!

The problem with reading all of DC's comic books is I don't have the luxury to think, "Oh, maybe it was magically restored in a book I didn't read!" Of course, it's quite possible it was magically restored in a book I read and I've completely forgotten about it! Although that's not a luxury; that's a possible symptom of something awful. I have a feeling the destruction of Arkham has simply been retconned so that it's merely sort of broken down and abandoned rather than "completely gone and replaced by a crater reaching to the bowels of hell."

Olive remains outside because she'll probably need to have a confrontation with her mother while alone. The rest of the Pizza Detectives head inside to find Kyle almost immediately, thanks to Maps's super sleuthing skills. Kyle was dragged to Arkham by somebody other than Calamity. He doesn't reveal who it was because he almost falls to his death while he waits for the Pizza Detectives to figure out how to use their Arkham Key. Maybe the hole Kyle almost falls in is all that's left of the crater that I must have dreamed swallowed the entire building previously.

I think Arkham lies on reality distorting field and that's why it exists differently than I remember! That's why Colton was able to grab Kyle's hand even though there's no way he could have grabbed Kyle's hand if I trust the upper right panel!

I was hoping that right in the middle of this issue, we'd get a scene of Katherine just shoving slices of bread into her mouth.

Olive has followed a voice calling to her and wound up in an upper room of the old building. It's there that she meets the jerko who kidnapped Kyle: Hugo Strange! Well, duh! That's what happens when a school lets a loony like him counsel the kids! Although it's possible he hasn't really done any crazy shit yet in The New 52. He was teased in Teen Titans (or was it Red Hood?! It was a Lobdell comic) but nothing ever came of that. And he was counseling Roy Harper in Red Hoods (when Tynion was writing, I think?). And he may have taken part in a back-up story in Detective Comics a long time ago but I think that was his just his son, Eli. Also, that was the most horribly written Poker story I've ever read. Thanks, Tony S. Daniel! I think the "S" stands for "YOU SUCK!"

Professor Strange has been dressing up like Olive's mother because he's a weird pedo. Also it's pretty typical for the villain in a story about young people acting like detectives for the villain to be an old guy dressing up to scare people so he can find the treasure or buy the real estate cheaply. In this case, Calamity has hidden something in the tunnels beneath Arkham. Hugo Strange has been trying to scare the Calamity out of Olive so that she'd channel the villain and maybe show him where she hid the treasure. Instead, Calamity chases off Hugo Strange and Kyle is saved. Calamity may or may not have appeared through Olive. It's a Pizza Detective Mystery!

Or it's not. Olive feels whole so I think that means Calamity has become a part of her. Which means Olive now feels closer to her mother. Although she's still not sure how her mother died! It was probably Strange!

Gotham Academy #12 Rating: No change. The art in this comic book is simply adorable. Or beautiful if adorable is too patronizing. I'm also a huge fan of the characters and the setting because it's something different that DC isn't really used to doing. Plus it feels a bit like Degrassi Junior High which is a show I grew up with and which I loved a lot. I suppose Maps is a big reason as to why I like this comic as well but I'm always singing her Dungeons and Dragons praises so I'm just going to ignore her this time.

NoI'mnotMapsisthebest!

Batgirl #46

I bet Spoiler's diary is full of stories that end in sexual gratification.

Dear Diary,
You are the worst, Diary. The absolute worst. You sit there on the bedside table judging me and my painfully intact maidenhead! Every time I pick you up to write in you, I can hear your pages flop with ennui! You probably wish you'd been purchased by some super slut who bangs guys left and right and anally! Well, I've got news for you, Diary! I'm a super slut too! It's just that I'm trapped in the body of an untouchable monster that withers dicks by walking in the room! Apparently! Maybe virginity is the price I'm paying for loving justice so much! I just don't have time to hang out at the roller rink in my jeans just tight enough to begin camel toeing but not quite enough for anybody to talk about it. I'd be flipping my hair back and forth while giggling at all the boys jokes! Sometimes I'd get real flirty and hang on the back of one of them imagining their cock stiffening in their pants at the pressure of my boobs pressed against them! Maybe one of them--not quite the one I'm interested in but perhaps one that's kind of cute and funny and outgoing--will ask me to skate doubles with him! His hand would enfold mine as we skate counter-clockwise around the rink, my hip occasionally bumping his, my heart thrilling, my labia swelling! Eventually, after weekend upon weekend spent at the roller rink, flirting and laughing and teasing, maybe I'd wind up in the back seat of his car with my pants around my ankles as he timidly explores my nether regions, first with his fingers and then--if courage and lust overtake him--with his tongue! Then after I experienced my first orgasm from another person (mostly due to the experience and less due to his experience), I'd unzip his jeans and pull them down around his thighs. I'd see his cock straining against his tight whiteys and I'd eagerly pull at the elastic band to see it spring up into view. I'd take a deep breath of his aroma and gently wrap my hand around his thickness. Then he'd probably come immediately and I'd be a little bit upset when some of his semen got on the arm of my jumper. But I'd smile and giggle and we'd clean up quickly, redress, and head back into the rink where he'd probably play video games with his friends and fucking ignore me for the rest of the night. Hmm. That fantasy was real nice up until the end! Now I'm sort of glad I'm a virgin for justice!

Nadimah and I have been working on this project to make Burnside safer by being nosy and collecting as much information as the locals as we can. We're kind of being extremely pushy but that's because people in this area just don't know what's good for them! Stop doubting me and just trust me, you old people! What we noticed was that gentrification is gentrifying the gentrifiable gentrifications. Gentrification gentrification gentrification! It's all so gentrification I can't gentrificate!

Ugh! Sorry about that! I'm so sleepy! But I guess when you change up your whole superhero look and attitude so that it screams "hipster," you only really have one theme to your battles: gentrification! It's like Batman is kind of crazy so his battles are all about madness. And Superman is all about being noble and trustworthy so all of his battles are with selfish bastards. So now I've decided to live in Gothipster Central, so I'm just going to have to deal with evil real estate developers and construction companies who don't really care more about improving the neighborhood than improving their bank account. It is nice to be able to judge them though! "That is wrong, yous!" I shout while wagging my finger at them and pouting my lips to show my disapproval! "Old people and poor people need low rents in safe neighborhoods, by gum!" Then I'll swivel my hips around and put my waggy finger up to my chin and furrow my cute little brows. "It's good to improve the neighborhood but not at the expense of the current residents, don't you know?!" Then I'll cover my mouth with both hands and say "Tee hee!" before swinging away from the thoroughly chastised bad guys.

It's only a matter of time before I find myself face to face with Wayne Enterprises!

This is totally how gangs work and super believable to boot!

So while out doing some routine patrols to keep the hipster gangs to a minimum, I ran into this bald guy named Lewis. He was all, "Secrecy secrets conspiracy secrets secrets!" And I was all, "Oh shootz!" And he was all, "Shh!" And I was all, "Mums!" We agreed to talk elsewhere later because that's how these kinds of clandestine meetings are arranged. I couldn't really tell how attractive he was so my vagina didn't care about the meeting as much as my brain did. My brain was all, "How do you pop a boner because I am super excited!"

So before I went out to meet this guy, Frankie showed me some neural implant she got for some superhero reason. Oh wait! I remember! It was to be my motorcycle! AnySwayze, I finally decided to stop being a Grump Canary when it came to Frankie being a superhero and we Clit Swore to become BFF Partners! Neither one of us could still voice how she's chosen the name Oracle but has still never flippin' said it. I'm not saying it first! She really needs to say it first!

So after we got done making out and getting all sloppy, I headed out to meet Lewis.

Great. Lewis was trying to drag me into Gotham Mob crap!

So that was it! I had to track down Spoiler and help her. Then maybe after that, I'd point out how I was getting a league of hot young girls together to fight crime! We'd be totally doing it for justice so any vag massages we needed to give each other after big battles wouldn't be gay at all!

I found Spoiler just as she was battling some weird Japanese Elvis Yu-Gi-Oh Wolverine dude. He might have been tough in Osaka but this is Gotham, baby! Tough in Osaka is puppysville in Gotham! Spoiler and I beat the crap out of him easy! With the help of Orac...um, Frankie as the Batgirl-Cycle! Not my menses, Smartass Diary.

So I set Spoiler up in this apartment of this person I know that was probably named Tim or Dick or somebody named the guy I was totally going to bang soon. AnySwayze, I had a big date and I was exhausted! So I knew I wasn't going to become a woman that night because I was going to pass out if I got anywhere near a bed. Unless, of course, Luke is like a total sleep creeper! Probably not, right, Diary?

It could be. But you did hear the part where it's somebody else's, right, Mister Sleep Creeper?!

Oh yeah! I was also having sleep paralysis! But that's totally normal and probably not at all related to some weird super-villain, right Diary?!

Then just before hitting bed tonight, I saw that old lady whose son we promised to help on the news. Her son was being arrested and she was screaming stupid bullpoop about how it was my fault because I promised to keep him safe. Hey, old lady! How about blaming your stupid son for getting into gangs in the first place, hunh?! I'm just trying to friggin' help, you old cow! Garsh! I'm so angry!

Batgirl #46 Rating: No change. Are people really as petty and stupid as the old lady at the end of this comic book? Her son chooses to join a gang. Her son gets arrested. She blames Batgirl because Batgirl said she'd help her son. Lobotomize that old lady! Euthanize her! And then put a bullet in the head of every comic book character that doesn't know how to assign blame and responsibility! Although if I'm angry at characters that are always punishing or blaming the wrong person, I suppose I should be really angry at the original gangster of misdirected blame: God! That guy really knew how to punish the wrong people! I suppose the other thing that's going to happen in this comic book is Luke Fox is going to fuck Spoiler and Batgirl is going to go back to pining for Dick. If you know what I mean! You should know because that wasn't subtle at all.