Batgirl #44

Sploosh.

Dear Diary,
I have so much to tell you that I'm holding in a mega-pee so that I can write this bit before I run off to write the rest of the entry on the toilet because that's how long it's going to take to release all of the pee I'm holding. And the farts. So many farts. But you'll understand why all of the blocked up farts when I finish this. So. Many. Many. Farts.

So remember last entry how I fought a tiger because I'm the baddest-ass bitch in Gotham? Remember how I kicked it's ass but not too hard because it was adorable and I didn't want to hurt it. I bet Batman would have hurt it because Batman is a Bat-asshole. So those tigers were like a total clue in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. I was all, "A-ha! It was the Tiger who ate the people!" At that point, some detectives would have been all, "Where is my big red 'Case Solved' stamp because this case has been solved?" Then they would have locked up the tiger and went back to eating danishes and lecturing their daughters and trying to bang Batwoman and embarrassing themselves in front of Catwoman. I think that references all of the police in Gotham that are not also working for God. But not this girl with the super fine and tight ass! I don't mean tight butthole although that's probably pretty tight too although how tight can it be when I've actually clogged a Las Vegas hotel toilet with just my poo? I mean, those things must be made to flush dismembered bodies and I blocked one up with just the poo that came out of my petite little butthole! If a guy put his penis in my butthole, would he even feel anything?! Now I'm worried about what Lucas Fox will think of me when we totally do anal later and he'll be all, "Am I in? I don't think I'm in. Is it possible I just stuck my penis in a wind tunnel?!"

Hey Diary? What base is anal anyway? Is that an inside the park homerun? I want to know how to slyly refer to getting anal from Luke when I tell Alysia and Frankie all about it. But not Dinah! I'm never telling that big whore any secrets anymore ever! She was totally supposed to send me a Black Canary t-shirt like two weeks ago and here I am still shirtless and unhip. How is everybody going to know that I was like the first huge fan of Black Canary if I don't even have one of their original shirts with the sleeves and neck cut off?!

AnySwayze, Diary, I should probably tell you what happened. It all started when Alysia called me and was all, "GBG! My fiance has totally disappeared and I don't know the phone number for the police! I know your father is like some police guy so you probably know the number. Can you call it after you've called the bakery to make sure the wedding cake is ready?" And I was all, "No problem! Batgirl to the rescue!" And Alysia was all, "Oh! Yeah, that's a great idea! Can you get Batman instead though!?" And I was all, "How dare you!" And then I went to find Jo because Jo's disappearance was linked to The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People! A case that was just about to be solved!

Where's my big red "Case Solved" stamp because this case has been solved!

The Velvet Tiger had kidnapped Jo and sent the tigers out to eat people! It was obvious by the length of her skirt and the cum stains around her mouth that she was a villain and the girlfriend of Jeremy! She was also way hotter than me. What is up with every woman in this city being sexier than I am?! No wonder I'm still a virgin. I need to move to Metropolis!

Look at that?! How is my toilet-clogging-poo launching butthole supposed to compete with that?! I want to stick my tongue in that and I'm a huge hetero!

So Velvet Tiger escaped under mysterious circumstances that had nothing to do with anybody's incompetence at all. That meant it was time to sneak into Fox Tek to see if Luke was maybe showering or something. Hopefully something which involved his dick being out, like looking at porn or eating a sandwich. Instead I ran into Qadir who had recently received a package clearing his name in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. The return address was Delphi which meant it was from Frankie since it referenced the name she's apparently decided upon but nobody has yet voiced. Why is everybody so afraid to say we should call Frankie "Oracle"?! What is wrong with us?! It's so contrived it makes me wonder if my own existence isn't just some fantasy world cooked up by some goofball hipster and his sexy old artist named Babs who would probably totally want to kiss all over the fictional blogger who critiques their fantasy publication.

Okay, so the next part is where Qadir and Luke don't fight over me and I don't say, "Hey guys! No problem! Plenty of orifices to go around!" Instead it's just the part where they prove that Jeremy's girlfriend is The Velvet Tiger and I was all, "Pshaw! Way ahead of you! Now watch me run from the room and tell me if I do it as well as The Velvet Tiger, guys!"

Dammit! That ass is cute and all but I don't think any tongues are putting on their helmet lamps.

This part makes my vagina sad, Diary, so I hope you can manage the proper somber tone while I tell it to you. Jeremy helped The Velvet Tiger with information that enabled her to pull off The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. So that's one probably too old for me but I would have accepted it anyway penis out of the running for making me a woman. I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy ten years older than me but not with a criminal! Who does Jeremy think I am? Batman?! I don't need a sexy nemesis ruining my vagina's good reputation!

AnySwayze, I found out where The Velvet Tiger's lair was and ran off to save the day. Of course Alysia was waiting outside the residence because she'd tracked Jo down as well. Is everybody in Gotham the World's Greatest Detective?! How are they all beating me to all the punches?! No wonder I can't get laid! Just like Batgirl, my vadge is late to all the fruitcake parties! I told Alysia to wait in the car because I'd be so embarrassed if she was also a better super hero than I was! Then I took a page out of Batman's Manual of Entering Buildings The Wayne Window and Door Repair Way while saying the most awesome and hilarious line you've ever heard anybody say outside of a Spider-man comic book!

My line was totally more cutting and witty than this but I just can't remember it verbatim! I'm pretty sure I also said "slut" a lot more in the original line.

But that line doesn't matter anyway because I totally kicked that bitch's ass. Also Alysia snuck in to save Jo while I was fighting which was totally okay by me because I got to give her a Big Manga Wink like I love to do! Usually I say it after I say something kind of dirty and don't actually do the wink. I usually say something like, "Oh Luke! Your meat is so hard and savory. Big Manga Wink!" Also Luke probably just said something romantic like, "Babs, munching your vadge is like gargling distilled water infused with saffron!"

Dear Diary, I am not going to tell you about the part where I said "Bring it" because I'm super embarrassed about it and I'm lying about it happening and it never happened in any timeline ever. Period. Shut up.

Also maybe I was fudging the truth about kicking Velvet Tiger's ass. She kind of stuck me with tranquilizer dart I'd already stuck in one of the tigers which made me sleepy and now I probably have Tiger AIDS. But she was all, "Now that you are nearly unconscious and unable to fight in much the way I'm unable to fight even when fully conscious, I will kill and eat you like Cunty McSlutbitch the Third!" She totally said that.

Two cleavers! And I thought my butthole was big!

So just before I died, my Batgirl Cycle (the motor bike! Not the menstruation!) crashed through the window, knocked out Velvet Tiger, and saved my life! The police cleaned up the mess over danishes and worrying about their daughter and fantasizing about Batwoman and I went on to the part of the story that made me hold my pee and farts in for like hours.

Oh my goodness! Who knew the vagina could make so much moisture?!

At least now I know there will be one heterosexual dude at the wedding! Look out, cherry! Here comes Luke's penis!

Batgirl #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you don't like Batgirl, you're probably uptight or something. You're probably the kind of person I could call on the phone when I'm about to barbecue some kebabs and say, "Hey! I need some sticks! Bring your ass over here!" Also I probably shouldn't review comic books by insulting people who don't really like a comic book for probably not very legitimate reasons but reasons nonetheless. I should probably say nice things like, "I know you didn't like the comic and that you're really smart and totally wicked good in the sack but maybe you should try reading Batgirl again, you stupid idiot." That's probably a pretty good blurb for the trade paperback! Hey DC Comics? Are you ever going to use one of my blurbs?! They're the best you're ever going to get! None of that boring Comic Book Resources shit where they say things like "It's a comic book that I read!" when they have to review a terrible book by Scott Lobdell.

Batgirl Annual #3

Finally! Dead Dick is going to interact with somebody other than Batman, Julia Pennyworth, or The Joker!

Batgirl is about to get mixed up in Spyral business which she can probably handle since Qadir's technology is on par with Spyral's. The best part will be the scene where she recognizes Dick Grayson by his ass and then gets super embarrassed. Then Dick will ask Babs why she looks ten years younger than she really is. I hope her explanation satisfies me as a reader! I'm having a really tough time understanding why new Batgirl is so different from Simone Batgirl! I desperately need an in-canon explanation or I'm going to die!

The first Spyralee Batgirl meets is Helena Bertinelli who she's never, ever met before ever in the whole wide ever world ever.

I bet 95% of the residents of Burnside would never be thought of as a "hipster" and yet when a population becomes 5% Hipster, it's over! Mostly because when 5% of your population looks exactly alike, it's hard not to notice.

I've lived just off of Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon, for about twelve years now. I moved closer to Hawthorne because it was my favorite place, mostly due to my comic book store and Marco's Deli which had great meatball subs and Mr. Pibb on tap. It had a bit of a Bohemian flair, I guess. It was a little bit hippy, a little bit artsy, a little bit shitty. It was the kind of street that once had an Arby's but when it didn't get enough business, it closed down and McDonald's tried to set up shop there only to be beaten back by petitions. Mostly it was residents who claimed they didn't want the extra traffic generated by a fast food place but I think mostly it was a bunch of snobby assholes who only ever ate McDonald's when people they knew weren't looking. Anyway, the street lost a lot of its charm as the swarm of Hipster Gentrification (which is really the only kind of gentrification seen in Portland). And it's been going on for longer than Portlandia has been on the air, so the people who blame Portlandia are putting the cart before the bearded assholes. Although, really, the show hasn't helped. It's seen by many not as a satire of the city but more of a promotional video for like minded people. Long before Fred Armisen said that Portland was where young people go to retire, I was constantly asking the Non-Certified Wife, "Doesn't anybody in this town work?!"

So Hawthorne began to get the Hipster Gentrification treatment which seemed to be flowing southward from Alberta. It hit Belmont pretty hard back when Paninis, Cupcakes, and Artsy Toy Stores were the beginning signs of a Hipster Neighborhood taking root (the record stores were already there!). Later it became organic grass-fed beef hamburgers and "artisinal" pizza (the cupcakes survived although they probably began serving macaroons as well). The artsy toy store moved to Hawthorne and lots of businesses began changing on Hawthorne. It seemed the time had come for Hawthorne's transformation. Hawthorne lost their Blockbuster (who didn't though, amirite?!) and I told the Non-Certified Wife when we were guessing what it would become that it would be a bank or a thrift store. It became both! The deli became Thai, the corner store which I can't even remember what it was became an upscale hipster clothing store (for when you need something other than your Mr. Bubble shirt and skinny jeans) which has in-store cocktail events every few months. But the transmogrification of the neighborhood never totally took. Instead it moved on south to Division which went from a sunny, mostly one-story building stretch of barber shops and food carts and a Whole Foods (you know, your "average" Portland neighborhood!) to a shady Death Star trench of five or six story condominiums with businesses in the ground floor. Businesses like "artisinal" ice cream and...well, I can't really remember and I think "artisinal" ice cream says enough. I'm sure some place is still riding the last of the Pork Belly wave as well. I mostly avoid the place. Although the Bollywood Indian restaurant demands my patronage because Indian food, duh!

Back to Batgirl, Helena and Babs decide to work together because they both seem to be on the same mission. It doesn't matter what the mission is. This is an annual. The only thing that matters is that Babs and Dick need to meet up with each other. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those stories where Grayson narrowly avoids being seen by Gordon four or five times before the story ends with Batgirl none the wiser. Or maybe she will have noticed and she'll walk off with a quirky grin because she now knows Dick isn't dead.

"Body language." Dick is being modest about his ass.

The mission is to infiltrate an impenetrable tower which has a large open courtyard and balconies on every floor overlooking the empty space in the center. It's a lot like the latest Judge Dredd movie but with Dick Grayson as Judge Dredd and Babs and Helen as whatever other Judges helped out.

Near Miss #1!

Barbara and Damian must shop at the same shoelace store which sells the longest, loosest shoelaces they possibly can.

Near Miss #2!

Helena shouts something which prevents Babs running into Dick and making this an interesting story! Instead, the chase up the tower continues as the reader waits expectantly for the inevitable encounter (which will probably wind up being evitable).

Dick gets caught up battling the only really buff member of Gladius (the evil organization!) and Helena has to help him out. Batgirl goes on ahead and now Dick fears she's going to wind up seeing him. It's time to put on a disguise! Like maybe a sundress and a nice long blonde wig? Then maybe he can play Yakety Sax while they all run around beating up guards and Dick tries to constantly hide his face demurely behind a handkerchief. And maybe at some point Helena can stand behind a table full of fruit so it looks like a couple of cantaloupes are her breasts!

Batgirl makes it to the top of the tower first and comes face to face with Gladius's leader. But the leader has planted a bomb and makes her escape while Batgirl turns back to try to disarm the bomb (although Babs does stick a Bat-tracker on the fleeing terrorist). Dick Grayson arrives to help Barbara disarm the bomb although he's got his Spyral Hypnos running so Babs thinks she sees an old guy named Christian Kroger. I think now that we had the near misses, we're getting to the part where Babs will realize it's Dick without Dick realizing she realized it. Then she'll walk off with that smile I mentioned and maybe a pair of ruined underwear.

The bomb can't be deactivated (or else Helena doesn't really try to deactivate it because she thinks like Frankie who suggested blowing up the building earlier) and they have to jump from the tower with the UN diplomats who were hostages of Gladius. I know Batgirl didn't want to kill anybody but I think a lot of those guards she kept alive are now burning to death.

Oh, and of course, the recognition by butt shot. This is where the ruined underwear comes into play.

And this is the smile after possibly thinking it could have been Dick.

So that was the first part of the story. I think a bit of Yakety Sax would have improved the whole Benny Hill tone of it all.

The second part of the story has Batgirl chasing after the woman she placed the tracker on. While following the trace, Batgirl runs into Catwoman's sidekick, Spoiler. So now these two can have a fun adventure with each other and become best friends and make Frankie totally jealous! Unless Batgirl doesn't like being out-pepped by another young female hero.

Spoiler catches Gladius's leader when Batgirl points her out except it wasn't Gladius's leader! It was just another underling doing grunt work and spilling secrets about the Negahedron and how it's going to be used to destroy Gotham! Batgirl leaves Spoiler to take care of the terrorist and rushes off to play with Batwoman.

Batwoman and Batgirl beat up Gladius and learn more about the Negahedron. But Gladius gets away which leads Batgirl to the Gotham Academy Library where she's going to team up with Maps, probably! It won't be Olive because why would Batgirl team up with one of the Gotham Academy supporting cast instead of its main character?

Well, I guess Olive can appear as Maps' sidekick.

The Pizza Club with Guest Detective Batgirl find the head of the statue containing the blueprints of the Negahedron but the head is stolen by Gladius! She and Batgirl wind up on the roof ready to battle when Maps hits Gladius in the chin with her Batarang and saves the day! Of course. I would expect nothing less from Maps and her sidekick Olive Silverlock.

Gladius is captured and the microfiche is nearly destroyed and the librarian Mr. Scarlet shows up to declare some mysteries should remain mysteries. Maps rushes off to form Superhero Club. Olive goes off to pout. And Batgirl decides to spy on Maps for a bit because Maps would make an excellent date for Alysia's wedding and/or a superb sidekick!

Batgirl Annual #3 Rating: This annual should be held up as an example for all annuals everywhere. It was a superb annual with lots of guest stars that really should be part of Batgirl's world. Loved every second of it except for the seconds which weren't added which maybe could have had Batwoman making out with somebody. Hey, I'm still a man with inappropriate fantasies which co-opt the lesbian lifestyle for my own pleasure and gaze! Sue me!

Batgirl: Endgame #1

From the pages of Barbara Gordon's Secret Diary!

Dear Secret Diary,
You are a secret! That other diary doesn't know me like you know me, Secret Diary! You're the one I tell all of the things I would be ashamed to tell anybody in the whole world! That's probably why I haven't written in you before. Because nothing super secret and awesome ever happens inside my vagina. Although before the sun came up this morning around five, I was up peeing in the toilet with my underwear around my ankles and I thought, "I'm going to go stand outside on the roof naked!" It was going to be some kind of ritual bonding me to my new neighborhood! So I finished up and ran into my room and threw off my clothes and put a robe on and ran out to the fire escape and opened the window and holy fudgesicles was it cold! So I shut the window and went back to bed. Maybe I'll do it in the summer.

But that's not the super secret thing I wanted to tell you that is so secret and shameful that I'd be embarrassed if Regular Diary found out about it! Let me start at the beginning!

It all started when Batman couldn't keep control of his city! He'd let the Joker screw up everything yet again and citizens infected with The Joker Virus were headed toward Burnside. It was up to me to save my neighborhood from Batman's huge mistake! But mostly I had to escort a bus full of Very Important Gotham Citizens to Burnside because I was keeping it so much safer than Batman's parts of town. What a failure.

My make-up was so on point that I was looking fifteen again!

I took care of business and saved the day and my butt looked as cute as ever and everybody lived happily ever after and they all wanted to marry me! Except after I got done turning down all of the marriage proposals from all the super hot lads and lasses because I refuse to be with anybody that isn't super duper super hot, I noticed that Tiffany Fox was on top of the bus and surrounded by Jokerized Gothamites. That stupid little...argh! I totally, not for any seconds at all, didn't think about leaving her to die so that I could continue to be the smartest woman in Gotham. It didn't cross my mind at all, Secret Diary! How dare you suggest such a thing! I'm a hero! I knew what I had to do! Throw a batarang, probably! Or shoot a batgrapple! Those things solve like 90% of all Bat-Problems!

It must have been a side effect of the Joker Toxin but I found I could only speak in emojis!

I got Tiffany's attention and tried to sign to her, "Do you think you can run across the tops of the heads of the Joker Zombie in the style of Xena the Princess Warrior?" But she didn't understand because she's definitely not as smart as me. Yet. Little snot! Instead she sent me a text of three sad gang members. I was all, "What the fuck does that mean?!" But I said it in emoji which is like "Question Mark Face" "Pointing Finger" "Doughnut" "Angry Face."

Tiffany mangled my message and instead of running atop the heads of the Joker Victims, she smiled really big and just walked straight through them. That girl is crazy! I had to go save her before she became infected! But I was out of Batarangs and Batgrapples! But I still had my rebreather! Is that even a word, Batman? Why didn't you call it Bat-Air?

I ran out into the crowd and grabbed Tiffany. Instead of taking her back to the barricade at the end of the bridge, I decided to show off! What good is being a super hero if you can't do some fancy tricks so that you can brag them right back into Dick Grayson's smug face!

Oh. Now I'm sad! Stupid fucking Dick. How dare he leave me! He's probably banging half of those girls at Hadrian's thinking I won't find out because I'm supposed to think he's dead! Please. As if I wouldn't be watching the Sins of Silence concert live from Tel Aviv! And like I wouldn't recognize that ass trying not to roller boogie around the stage while kicking the band's ass! So what if his face was all fuzzy and unmemorable! That's just a clue that it was Dick too! I never forget a face and I've never not seen a face that I looked at before! Something funny is going on and I bet Batman is behind it because he's addicted to lying even when he promises not to ever lie ever again forever. Fuggin' old people!

So anyswayze, I hop on the bus and drive it right off the flippin' bridge like a rock star that can't drive a bus! Then I grab Tiff and run up the aisle and kick open the back door and jump out and activate my Bat-Hang-girl-ider and fly away! Okay, so the Bat-Hang-girl-ider's name can use a little work.

We land on the shore and Tiff's back in her parents' arms! Day saved, once again, by The Batgirl!

Oh yeah, Secret Diary. You're probably wondering what the big shameful secret is, aren't you? Well now I'm nervous to tell you! Maybe I should start a Super Secret Diary because I totally don't have one at all, Secret Diary. Of course you'd know if I did! It would be a secret and you're my Secret Diary, aren't you?! Well, since I totally don't have a Super Secret Diary with lists of all the things I'd like Dick Grayson's tongue to do to my body, I'll tell you my shameful secret: I sharted in my Batgirl suit while landing the Bat-Hang-Girl-ider! Ugh. I hope Tiffany didn't notice! That little smarmy smart assed weasel!

Batgirl: Endgame #1 Rating: 😖👉🍩😠!