Red Hood and the Outlaws #40

This issue had better not end with a "To be continued in the stupid annual!"

Good riddance, losers! This is the part where the boring assholes sing "Hey hey hey! Goodbye!" And then they high-five each other in celebration of doing the most trite and boring thing they could have done out of all things in the entire world! And this is me doing the same thing but pretending it's being done by a couple of fictional dickspasms!

The issue begins with Helspont sneaking up on Red Hood and the Outlaws because Roy said, "It can't get any worse!" So unless Scott Lobdell forgets he ended last issue with that line, somebody is going to berate Roy for his choice of words.

Hmm, I guess Lobdell forgot to finish his joke. But that's no surprise! He often forgets how he ended his scripts the month before. Reading trade paperbacks of his stories must be nearly incomprehensible.

Anyway, the Outlaws defeat Helspont in four pages or something.

I hope the rest of the comic book is just advertisements for army men, sea monkeys, and Grit.

Darn it. They didn't really defeat Helspont that easily. Shucks! He comes back at them with a counterattack while proving that English is just his second language.

Perhaps "presume" is the word you're looking for?

Rose Wilson throws two swords into Helspont's chest and everybody is shocked when they barely faze him. I mean, it's understandable that he survived gun shots and the explosive arrow to the chest and Starfire's sun bolts. But swords? Come on! This is one tough son of a bitch!

Blackfire shows up and is all, "Surprise to nobody! I'm with Helspont! Tee hee!" Rose Wilson is all, "I see you're the prudish sister, Starfire!" And Starfire is all, "Take that back! I guzzle cum way better than Blackfire!" And Roy is all, "Totally!" And Starfire is all, "How do you know how much cum my sister can guzzle?!" And Roy is all, "Whoops!"

"Tee hee! Your general is in blow job position, sir!"

Helspont's army of Citadel warriors take control of the situation. Too bad they've been written to have a single, fatal flaw! Crux, having researched every alien in the universe somehow while living on Earth, knows that every soldier of the Citadel's brain is wired directly to their armor which is wired directly to every other piece of armor which are all wired directly to a three meter hole big enough to bullseye a womp rat! Whew! I was afraid Scott Lobdell was going to create an unbeatable army!

Blackfire actually loves Starfire so she blasts Helspont in his junk instead of killing her sister's friends. The Citadel soldiers stand around thinking, "Should we do something or just wait around for Crux to shut us down?" Blackfire gets thrown hundreds of miles away by Helspont as he nurses his blasted testicles which might now be oozing pus and madness. Then Jason Todd shoots the kneecaps out of the one Citadel soldier standing nearby so that Crux can play Angry Birds while sitting on top of him. Todd grabs the big gun of the Citadel soldier and starts blasting Helspont in the face with it. Helspont falls over thinking, "What the fuck happened to me? I used to be a powerful bad ass! But now I keep getting beat by arrogant bastards who hide behind guns and red masks! Fuck you Grifter and Red Hood! I will have my revenge!"

In the space of just two minutes, Rose Wilson has racked up one-third of the kills her father has scored in his entire life (according to his own comic book (but prior to his killing three hundred of Odysseus's blind henchmen)!).

Arsenal manages to kill one soldier. I guess that's pretty good for a guy with a bow. Plus, he must have been busy building the monstrous spider gun he uses to blow the ultimate omnifuck out of Helspont. All that's left of Helspont is his arm so I'm going to say he's really and truly dead now. No way he can ever come back from that. Nope! As dead as a door nail named Ted Kord!

Although Ted Kord is really and truly back in Justice League 3000 so I guess I can't use that comparison anymore.

After the battle, Starfire heads home to Tamawhatever with Crux piloting the ship and her sister trying not to die in sick bay. Arsenal is all, "Well, it was fun!" And Starfire is all, "Yeah! We'll probably never see each other again because Scott Lobdell is still going to be writing your comic book and DC Comics probably knows better than to let him write me ever again!" And Roy is all, "I know, right?!" And Jason Todd is all, "We were OUTLAWS!" And everybody is all, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The end!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40 Rating: No change. Hey hey hey! Goodbye! *HIGH-FIVES EVERYBODY!*

Superman #29

Let her kill you, Superman! She's trying to save the world and she doesn't have time to explain!

Last issue ended with Starfire appearing in Metropolis, calling Superman arrogant, and then telling him she's going to fight him to the death if he tries to stop whatever she's doing. Superman says, "Whoa, whoa! Why so harsh, little lady? If you'd just tell me what's going on, we can work together!" And Starfire said, "Eat starbolts, Kryptonian! I don't have time for this!" So my guess is that this issue begins with Starfire and Superman spending far more time fighting than it would have taken for Starfire to explain the problem. But since Scott Lobdell probably didn't even know what the threat was by the time he finished last issue, how could Starfire? But if she and Superman fought for a few more pages, that would give Brett Booth Ed Benes some art to work on while Scott Lobdell figured out the next big Omnithreat to Omnithing.

I hate Scott Lobdell's writing so much. I wish everybody would stop attacking him for being a racist, sexist bigot because they're detracting from his real problem: he can't fucking write. So he just smirks at everybody attacking him for saying stupid shit and believes that nobody likes him because he dares to speak his mind. No, Mr. Lobdell. Nobody likes your writing. It is awful. This situation is so close to Rob Liefeld who believes people hate him because he can't draw feet. Then he draws some feet and Tweets, "Suck it, Hipsters!" Hey Liefeld! It isn't about feet! You can't fucking draw!

Fuck me. I hate myself. Because now I want to read a comic book written by Scott Lobdell and drawn by Rob Liefeld.

Here's why I began my second paragraph saying that I hated Lobdell's writing:

First off, he completely Lobdell's this issue. For those not keeping up with my super entertaining blog because you're a TL;DR monster, "Lobdelling" a comic is where the first page is a full splash of a fairly static image surrounded by Narration Boxes that don't need to be there.

Read those Narration Boxes! READ THEM! What is the point that they're expressing and how do they work to introduce this story? Let's see, Superman has stood in the heart of a sun more than once. First off, does Lobdell know how hot the sun is? It's pretty hot. Hotter than a pizza roll fresh out of the microwave hot! I've seen Superman get punched so hard that he bleeds a little bit. I'm fairly certain the heat from the center of the sun has more kinetic energy than Doomsday's fists. Sure, sure. I'm speculating. But I think it's pretty reasonable speculation!

Moving on, we learn that he's not from around here. Okay! That's a theme we can get behind! He's not from around here. Starfire's not from around here! I see a battle of who fits in better coming up! Next we figure out where he's actually from and learn that you can call him Clark or you can call him Superman but whatever you do, he's still a strange guy from another world.

BLINK. BLINK BLINK BLINK.

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?! At this point in my reading, I still hadn't begun ranting because I thought for sure the next page would introduce Starfire and point out her strangeness to this world too! That would sort of get that two strangers on a train thing going!

That's it! Those are her Narration Boxes. Not a fucking thing to do with Superman's Narration Boxes except to sort of mention she's an alien.

Okay fine. I'm used to Scott Lobdell missing the puck on his first page or two. He always fumbles the fly, drops the pass, knocks himself out in the first round, drives it into the trap, and any other sports related errors that are different but the same as the ones I already typed somehow. Let's see how the action commences if we ignore the stupid fucking Narration Boxes.

Last issue ended like this:

First she has no time for his Kryptonian arrogance.

This issue begins like this:

Now she's here to stop his arrogance!

So Starfire appeared and began blowing things up because she didn't have time for Superman. Now she's here to both stop his arrogance and stop whatever forces have been unleashed tonight and battle Superman if he tries to stop her. I know if the fate of the world were in my hands, I wouldn't want that fucking holier-than-thou bastard Superman helping me to save it! In fact, fighting him as I tried to save the world would be quite the challenge!

So Starfire declares Superman should fuck right the hell off. And Superman, instead of saying, "Hey, what's the problem! I'll help you with it if I can and it doesn't involve hurting kittens," says, "You can't just do whatever you want to save the world, Princess. Just because you're powerful enough to save it quickly, you really should take the time to fill out the right paperwork and make sure the law is on your side." To which Starfire responds inappropriately, "You punch shit all the time!"

Maybe I just haven't given the story enough time to settle. I bet by page four, things will seem a lot more reasonable.

Superman, she doesn't have time to explain, do you think she really has time to fight?

Superman had his cape on at the end of last issue. But now he's used it to wrap up the gang member that had been given Omnipower by some Omniforce. That must have happened between issues. Starfire seems to think the guy is dead. Maybe. Even if the guy is the threat (or his briefcase with the living handle in evidence is), I don't see how time is of the essence or how Superman is at fault. So page four isn't really helping. Although by the end of page four, Superman has frozen Starfire in place with his Icy Cool Breath. Which means we'll get answers on page five because Starfire can't fight! She has to take the time to talk now!

On page five, Superman misremembers what happened last issue. Instead of using his X-ray vision to notice the "glass handle" (that I guess was on a gun and not a briefcase but since so much other shit is different, who knows if I was mistaken or not), he used his super speed to check it out. Now instead of "seeing" that the thing was almost alive, he noticed that "holding it almost felt like it was alive". Instead of speaking with Starfire, all Superman fucking does on page five is misremember the immediate past!

Wrong. When Starfire blew the police station apart, the gang member hid behind a table and Superman kept his cape on.

Lobdell does this all the fucking time. Since he has no idea what the fuck he's writing each month, he just begins the story over any fucking way he pleases. I have no idea how editorial doesn't tell him he can't just change everything that happened on the last few pages of one issue to make them completely different on the first few pages of the next issue. Sure, a full month has gone by and no sane person is going to go back and reread a Scott Lobdell penned comic book. So maybe they won't notice that he just changed everything. But what the fuck are you going to do for the Trade?!

Maybe on page six, Superman will talk with Starfire. Although my guess is she'll break out of the ice by then and Superman will have lost his chance to figure out what's going on as they trade more blows.

Nope. Instead he fights yet another Earth civilian that hates him because he's a powerful alien that arrogantly helps people. Does Lobdell think "arrogantly" is a synonym for "selflessly"?

Has anybody tried to point out to Lobdell that writing Superman is not the same as writing The X-Men? Superman is a beloved figure! Stop turning him into Homo-Superior so that everybody can be frightened that he's going to make them and their children obsolete. He's just this farm boy that wants to help, you know? And guess how much helping he's been doing in his own comic book? None! Or mostly none.

On page seven, Starfire burns the fuck out of the gang member because Superman forgot about her, I guess. It's not surprising! He really is having an awful time with his memory right now.

Starfire points out that the gang member was already dead because he was infested with a Daemonite. Oh no! Not the fucking Daemonites again! I guess that means Helspont is on his way back, right?

Once the cops begin shooting at Starfire because she's an orange freak that killed the guy that was threatening Superman's life, Starfire decides it's time to go find more Daemonites to kill. And Superman decides it's time to go find some Daemonites to save. I bet in the meantime, Sam Lane will sit around in his underwear muttering, "The tower...THE TOWER!"

No, instead it's Cat telling Morgan Edge her website is not for sale. Apparently this is important in the scheme of things somehow. A shitty little gossip site that had a photo of Superman and Wonder Woman kissing is not worth any political intrigue. It's not like they're going to get any other big stories. I really think Cat and Clark should have discussed the sale. They did nothing to get the Superman/Wonder Woman relationship scoop. Before that, they had nothing. So thirteen million dollars because somebody sent them a photo? That's when you fucking sell and then start up a new site. Cat and Clark did nothing to make their site a hit! Fucking idiots.

Superman and Starfire decide to work together. Actually, Superman lets Starfire tag along. What does he need her for? A bunch of Daemonite comic book battle bullshit takes place where Superman is all "You don't have to kill!" and Starfire is all "You're a gullible tool!" And then it's over.

Surprise! The Daemonite threat wasn't a threat! THIS TIME! This issue gave Lobdell a little more time to think up his Helspont Returns to Earth Story.

Back at Lois's apartment, Lois is speaking with somebody telepathically. Except she's speaking out loud so that her boyfriend Jon can hear because she's stupid. I mean new to the power! Then she erases Jon's memory of the Parasite attack because manipulating the memory of a person you love always works out well in the end. Plus I'm pretty sure she still knows Superman's secret identity. This whole "Lois is psychic" subplot is ridiculous! She should at least be using it to publish scandal after scandal every day at the Daily Planet!

And finally, it is revealed that Blackfire is working for Helspont to save her people. I guess she's bound to continue to make the same mistake over and over, isn't she? At this point, it's like somebody going around the neighborhood kidnapping dogs to get the reward money when the posters go up. Everybody knows that if you enslave Tamaran, Blackfire will join up with another group of aliens and do whatever they want to save her people. So you send in some guys in rubber masks to take over, then swoop in after being careful not to wink too much at the guys in the masks. You make a deal with Blackfire that you'll help her planet but first she has to become your slave. It's pathetic!

Superman #29 Rating: Stupid. Irksome. Reading it is like when you're engaging in some physical activity and your butthole begins to itch. Not just around it but way up deep inside like practically the middle of your colon. Except you can at least relieve the butthole itch by jamming the handle of a broom up there. There's no way to fix what Lobdell does to you when you read his stories.

Superman Annual #1

Looks like a couple of brand new artists on this title. Except Rocafort's cover, of course.

The comic book opens on the Daemonite Homeworld 3,600 years ago. These Daemonites look human so I'm not sure how they connect to the Daemonites threatening the DC Universe in the present. That mystery will probably be explained later. For now, the Daemonites seem to have a problem. A princeling or something has brought his dead wife to the Queen as proof of this theory that their race is dying. She died during childbirth.

So perhaps 3,600 years ago, the Daemonites stopped being able to have children. Which would explain why Helspont's prophecy says that they must die to begin evolving again. They stopped evolving 3,600 years ago. This would explain why they all look like giant glowing jellyfish now because they're all bred in test tubes and incubators.

I'd probably spend less time reading comics if I just stopped putting the comic down every few panels to speculate on what was happening. I'll probably turn the page and it'll all be explained. But what good is my brain if I just use it as an input device? Typing out my speculations at least helps me to remember a large percentage of the comic books I've been reading. Although a good portion of them are probably best forgotten instead of taking up valuable real estate in my memory banks.

Look at that! I turn the page and it's explained!

The Daemonites seem to be losing their ability to reproduce because they've spliced their genes with so many different alien species. The Prince decides that he's going to save the Daemonite race no matter how long it will take. And it looks like it's going to take at least another 3,600 years.

Why are the Daemonites so involved in Superman's comic book? Because he's an alien of a race on the verge of extinction as well? They need to be simpatico? Superman really can't do much but fight one here or there anyway. According to all of the prophecies, only Grifter and Voodoo can do anything about the threat. So how about getting these dumb-ass aliens out of Superman's world?

The scene then shifts to Clark Kent's apartment and 3,600 years later.

Holy shit! Look at all the thought bubbles! Am I dreaming?

Here's my argument for thought bubbles versus the character's voice in narration boxes: it forces the writer to write things the character actually knows in the present. It removes the tendency to write as if the character is telling the story from some future point in time to some unknowable audience. I don't have a problem with Narration Boxes. I do have a problem with writers not having a good grasp on what they're using them for. I really don't know why thought bubbles have virtually disappeared from comic books. Are they just seen as old fashioned? I think writers just like using the Narration Boxes because it gives them a place to do basically what I'm doing here: comment on the story from outside of the story. What it also does is it takes away from the story itself telling the story. Lobdell has been a pretty big Narration Boxer up until now, so it's interesting to see this change of pace out of him.

Although as I continue to read, Lobdell is really filling up the pages with exposition. Just now it's in thought bubbles and not Narration Boxes! But at least it's Clark thinking to himself instead of speaking to some imaginary grandchild or writing some future diary entry.

As Clark is headed to work, he sees a gigantic ship in Metropolis's airspace. Using his magic vision, he notices Helspont is at the helm. And somehow, Helspont sees him. And somehow Clark knows Helspont sees him when Helspont says, "Hnn. Kryptonian." I guess I have to chalk that up to Super Duper Hearing or maybe Clark can lip read blue flames.

Clark changes clothes and then flies up to deal with Helspont.

Why does Superman suddenly think of Kurt Vonnegut's asshole?

Immediately after this, Helspont kicks Superman's ass with one backhand. Superman flies into the moon and then blacks out from a concussion. Was Helspont the Lobo of the Wildstorm Universe? How powerful is this guy? Most writers that have dealt with Helspont seem to want to portray him as the coolest super villain around. But since I have no history with him, it just seems cheesy and over-the-top. Anyway, Superman is once again unconscious and drifting in space.

Meanwhile outside Seattle, Martian Manhunter observes Helspont's ship. He considers getting Stormwatch involved although I have to wonder why Stormwatch doesn't notice an intergalactic threat and deal with it. Too small potatoes? If Stormwatch doesn't get involved then I have to believe that Helspont really isn't that powerful. But then Helspont's lackey that he sends to ask Martian Manhunter to join his cause defeats Martian Manhunter easily. So the two most powerful heroes in the DC Universe were just defeated by Helspont and his minions. But I'm supposed to believe that Grifter can defeat them?

And speaking of Grifter...

I know, right Superman?

I don't know how Grifter and Deathblow got Superman onto the escape pod. Probably a combination of Telekinesis and Deathblow's healing factor as he ran around on the moon with his blood boiling trying to retrieve Superman. It doesn't really matter since they're quickly attacked by Biomass (was that his name? From Grifter #12? Stupid!). Superman remains in space to fight Helspont's henchman while he throws Grifter and Deathblow's pod toward Earth.

Superman ends up on board Helspont's ship while more of Helspont's minions proposition some of Earth's heroes to join them. Starfire and Hawkman both get an invite to join something called the Thirteen Scions of Salvation. This was hinted at over in the pages of Red Hood as well. It looks like another Universe Ending Catastrophe is on its way and only the prophetic Chosen Thirteen can save the world. Helspont is trying to put together his team of thirteen.

Prophecy and future vision stories are just lazy. It's too easy to write a story where everyone is reacting to some vision from the future (this was the big problem with Heroes, the television show) or from some prophecy about the future from the past. I would rather read a story where someone seeks out a hero to help stop some coming crisis without everyone knowing somehow that this hero is THE CHOSEN ONE! How about everyone just fucking hope this asshole they've picked to help them works out? Or, better yet, how about finding thirteen assholes and hoping they can work together to stop some coming crisis. Also, the crisis should already be well underway so that it's obvious that something needs to be done. Instead of finding the CHOSEN ONE and then showing them the PROPHECY and trying to convince them to go on the QUEST.

Then it's time for Helspont's Evil Mr. Smarty Pants' Speech to explain it all to Superman.

That explains that!

Helspont finally leaves Superman to feel lost and confused at the end of the comic. Helspont wants Earth to be protected by Superman and the other heroes because Helspont believes the way to save his people is through the human meta-gene. And since Helspont and his minions are more powerful than every super hero on Earth, it's probably just best for Superman to forget about the Daemonites and just go back to his own comic dealing with the trivial day to day super villains he's used to. Just let Grifter and Voodoo handle Helspont, Superman. They may seem like weak, pathetic jerks compared to you and Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern and Stormwatch, but they have PROPHECY on their side!

Superman Annual #1 was really just a place to sort of set all Helspont's record straight. So while this comic book really had very little to do with Superman, at least it clears up what's going on with Helspont and the Daemonites. Okay, so it doesn't mention anything about Black Curate's side of things. I don't know what the Black Curate wants with Earth. Perhaps it wants the meta-gene to just splice into the Daemonites in their continued lifestyle has caused them to stop evolving and reproducing. And Helspont wants the meta-gene to fix the Daemonites so that they can go back to being a normal race of creatures that actually fuck to have children instead of putting an order in with the Master Geneticists.

I wouldn't recommend this comic book to anyone interested in Superman. But if Helspont's actions have been giving you a gignatic "What the Fuck?" across multiple New 52 books, then it might actually be worth picking this up. Or just reading that one page I scanned where Clarissa Helspont Explains It All.

Grifter #12

I would like to see Liefeld's pencils just to see how much work Liefeld puts into his covers and how much work is done by the inker.

Last issue was silly and ridiculous. And not in the good way that I wish more of the New 52 comics would be silly and ridiculous. The issue took its plot far too seriously while Grifter flirted with Deathblow and then was betrayed by Niko. You can really tell Liefeld isn't planning this comic more than one page ahead at any one time. I'm sure as he was plotting page fifteen of last issue, he suddenly thought, "Hey! That would be a pretty major twist if Niko was the mole Grifter suspected was in the group!" It doesn't matter if it doesn't make any sense and all of her actions before she shoots Grifter are totally out of character for a mole. Perhaps she'll explain in this issue why she couldn't help take Grifter out when he was being attacked by Daemonites the four or five times since she began running around with him.

Before I begin to read the comic, let me just point out how Frank Tieri's name was left off of the cover. He's doing the dialogue so I'd expect his name to be pretty high up there in the credits.
This issue opens with the Daemonites beating the shit out of Grifter. They also insult him as they throw him into his cell, saying he was supposed to be the savior but he's really just nothing.

Is that what THEY say? Or is that simply what Cool Hand Luke said? That may have been my mom's favorite movie. Or maybe she just loved everything Robert Redford Paul Newman was in.

Outside of Grifter's cell, Helspont holds a meeting with Synge and Niko. Apparently the Daemonites are about to invade Earth and take-over. Possibly because Grifter is now out of the way? Helspont speaks as if it was somehow his doing that the Daemonite invasion was now possible. But then Helspont plans on destroying the Daemonites afterward and taking over himself. But then he makes a critical Super Villain blunder!

You have prophecies warning you about this guy! He's called the Chosen One. He spells your doom! Just fucking eject him into space. Gas him! Leave him in the cell to starve. But you do not want to meet him!

Grifter and Deathblow get brought before Helspont. Grifter finds the whole thing amusing because he's been playing the long con the whole time! He knew Niko was the mole because she has a tell! Every time he mentioned the mole she would look down. That's how he knew she was the mole! I'm pretty sure it just means she probably has an irrational fear of voles. So when someone says, "Mole!", she's going to look down around her feet because I think mole's don't have wings.

Since Grifter knew she was the mole, he got himself caught by her on purpose. Because he knew when she shot him she wasn't going to shoot to kill, right? He also knew that once he was captured, they wouldn't just execute him or throw him into space, right? Right! Because Super Villains are a predictable, stupid, probably superstitious lot! He knew whoever was in charge was going to want to gloat right in his face!

I bet Joss Whedon wishes he could earn royalties every time some hack uses the term "big bad."

Grifter way too easily throws Synge out of the way and defeats Helspont. Deathblow rigs Helspont's ship to blow up and they skeedaddle in an escape pod just as a giant explosion rocks the ship. But even though Grifter can read everyone like a book and was "playing them like violins," he apparently isn't as good as he thought.

Is everyone going to constantly be one step ahead of everyone else in this comic book? Next issue, will letting Helspont think Grifter didn't know it was a ruse part of the plan? And will Grfiter knowing that Helspont knew that Grifter would know that Helsont's ruse was a ruse be part of Helspont's plan? Or will that be part of Grifter's plan? Can Liefeld just simply not decide on which character he wants to be the smartest?

Grifter #12 Rating: No change. I'm really sick and tired of plans. Everybody in the New 52 has a really complicated plan! And most everybody has a plan that involves failing so they can say, "That was just part of my plan!" and not look stupid when they've had their faces bashed in. Maybe I'm just starting to appreciate Justice League International since they never had any plans ever! I just wish more plots developed organically rather than so many poorly contrived contrivances!