Futures End #47

In honor of the two or three intelligent readers of this blog (y'all can fight over which of you are which), this will be a serious review.

To truly understand Futures End, one must start at the beginning. Not the beginning of the series because it's been forty-six issues and I'm not going to recap them all here! I mean at the beginning of the cover. Let's begin with the name: Futures End. What does it mean? I think DC Comics forgot to add the apostrophe but since they never corrected that, we'll assume they meant the plural of future and that all of them will eventually resolve. If the name were to mean that just a few futures were going to end due to the events in this comic book, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense because there would still be an infinite amount of futures that haven't ended. One must assume that all but one future will end due to the events of this comic book. But what future will still remain after all is said and done? The Justice League 3000 future? The Legion of Super-Heroes future? The Brother Eye future? The Kamandi future (which might actually just be part of the Justice League 3000 future since Tora once had a lunch date with the boy)? Even if we agree that the Brother Eye future must end or this story wasn't worth retelling, DC Comics still has two futures which cannot be decided upon. Which means my theory is wrong. Fuck. Let's backtrack!

What if we decide that the "futures" in the title are the futures of every single character in this series which takes place in the DC Universe's future. That means that these characters' future live will end once Terry McBatman goes back in time five years, makes a house call to Bruce Wayne, and says, "Dude. I've got a message from your future self. He says, 'That Brother Eye project? Bad idea. Kill it. And if you don't believe this message is from you, let me tell you something you've never told anybody: you fucked Talia al Ghul in the ass that night she tried to drug you even though you're immune to all drugs (especially Rohypnol. Thanks Alfred!) and so you suspected she was up to something which means she harvested your semen out of her ass to create Damian which probably explains quite a few things about that kid.' Eww. Gross! Is that true?" Then Bruce will invite Terry McBatman in for some extra strong Rohypnol Tea before sending him out on his own to start his own comic book series.

So those are the futures that end! All the ones that appear in this book! I bet even the Twofers coming over from the disaster in Worlds End will be treated better than they were in the past of this comic book. Anyway, this is as serious as I get! Damian being a butt baby is a legitimate fucking theory!

And since none of the stories will, in the end, actually matter, the only real purpose of this series is to get Terry McGinnis set up in the DC Universe. But not just Terry! All of them! All of the characters that have starred in failed comic book series. Firestorm has a new look and a fresh attitude and is named after the best High Voiced Boy of them all: Madison! Amethyst has a quest to restore Gemworld. Grifter has a new family ready to protect Earth from robots in disguise. Stormwatch and SHADE are now being run by Ray Palmer. Voodoo and her pals Banger, Mash, and Mercy are ready to take on covert missions for Sgt. Frank Rock (who is going to have an insect baby soon). Blue Beetle will...oh wait. Jaime hasn't actually been in any issue except the zero issue. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure something out. Anyway, all these characters are geared for another stab at a monthly title. And so what if these future reimaginings don't mesh very well with the current New 52 books because isn't DC going to just kind of shrug their shoulders over hard line continuity come June? At least I hope that will be the case!

So this book begins with Brother Eye informing the world that he's taken over everything.

Are all these people just going to take this?

As soon as this happens, everybody would just get their phones reset to factory settings. But then they'll be reinfected with Brother Eye once they go to charge them or connect to their G3 network. But people aren't just going to sit back and let a fucking computer run their lives. So they have to clean out all the systems. First shut them down. If you can't turn off the nuclear reactors, just cut the power lines leading away from them. Can't stop the hyrdro-electric generators at the dams? Reroute the fucking rivers. It might wind up costing a lot of money, especially since everybody is going to have to throw out any piece of electronic that has been connected to a network and all the servers are going to have to be replaced and nobody is going to get online or have electricity until all this shit is replaced, but people will definitely do it rather than being ruled by a shitty wannabe C3PO. There will be setbacks! Some jerk will plug in an old laptop and begin to reinfect everything. But eventually protocols will be put in place to stop Brother Eye from moving from hardware to hardware. And laws will be written to put to death anybody that reinfects the internet. Look, you got to be harsh! Like stealing horses in the Old West! You've got to make the punishment so far out of whack with the crime that nobody even attempts it.

Or everybody just loses technology and we go back to a non-networked world. Surely we can all give up a continuous feed of LOLcats so that we can retain our free will and freedom, right? And not everybody needs to read the Tweet about the joke you just made to your buddies at Applebee's, do they? And I think all of your relatives can do without pictures of your name spelled incorrectly on your Stabuck's cup. Can't they?!

Shit. Maybe that's why Brother Eye was so successful.

So Batman, Mister Terrific, and Ray Palmer are trying to shut down Brother Eye at Terrifitech and having no luck. Also they're not doing so great against the hordes of zombie robots shuffling toward them. But that's when Harvest Tim Drake saves the day!

Should they really be using first names? Just on principle. You never know when Lois Lane will be skulking about.

Tim is all, "Is the time band ready for me so I can accidentally wind up 1000 years in the future?" And Bruce is all, "You are not going to use it! I am the most competent person ever!" And Plastique is all, "Wait. Didn't somebody mention dick a few issues ago?" And everybody is all, "There's no time!" And Ray Palmer is all, "And don't call me Shirley!"

A.L.F.R.E.D. puts Bruce in his place just like the real Alfred! He's all, "Sorry, Master Bruce. Your muscle mass is far too muscular for you to use the time belt. It must be scrawny old Tim Drake who uses it and saves the world." And then Mister Terrific tells them they will be powering the time travel belt with Firestorm. Which is when Tim finally figures out that Madison is still alive.

Gross. That latex face mask still has Plastique spit all over it.

Tim says his goodbyes to Madison (or at least this Madison) and tells the others he's ready to go back in time. Or, you know, forward 1000 years! Firestorm pumps the belt full of juice and Tim Drake, as Batman Beyond, travels back to the DC Universe's present. He appears aboard the Brother Eye satellite. Is he going to succeed in his mission and end this comic book?! I mean, it probably still has a few more issues. But it probably needs a few for a denouement, right?

Oh? So where will Earth-2's refugees wind up?! I guess they'll have to wind up on one of the Mystery Earths.

Brother Eye doesn't want to blow up so he tries to stop Tim. But Tim has seen Wargames (a movie I can't stop bringing up lately. Does DC have that many books right now about computers trying to take control?) and knows exactly how to stop Brother Eye from destroying everything! He teaches Brother Eye how to play Tic Tac Toe and Brother Eye decides it's better to kill oneself than to play shitty fucking games that nobody can ever win. It sets its self-destruct system for fifteen seconds (which I think is the lowest setting. Got to abide by OSHA standards on the safety of self-destruct systems, you know!).

I guess Brother Eye realized he wouldn't be able to resist sending the beacon to the Earth-2 refugees and thus plummeting Earth-Main-Earth into another war with Apokolips, so he kills himself instead. Isn't that a little dramatic, Bro (I'm not just being a douche! That's short for Brother Eye!)? Actually he blows himself up just in case Mister Father somehow detects his presence. Also Brother Eye just felt dirty having been written by Dan Didio during the OMAC months.

Brother Eye's last act is to send Tim Drake back to whatever future replaces the one from which he came. Probably one where Madison is all, "Eww! Do I know you? Perv!"

Or a future that makes him exclaim, "No way!" Probably because it's full of vampires. Or Titans Towers.

Futures End #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. Next time: We're headed for Venus! Venus! But still we stand tall! And maybe they've seen us! Seen us! And welcome us all?! I know there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! I know that we'll all miss her so! It's the final issue! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! *sparkly Joey eyes* Carrie! Ninja survive! Cherokee! Carrie! In times of war! Marching on the trail of tears! The final issue! *FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS*

Batman: The Dark Knight #27

"Shut up, lady! This story is called 'Voiceless!'"

Last issue ended with The Penguin's men capturing Batman and locking him away in a cage without killing him. What the fuck is wrong with you, The Penguin?! You should fucking know better. Maybe he's trusting that Batman doesn't know that The Penguin is behind it all and when Batman ruins his plans, The Penguin can shrug his shoulders and mime something that means "You can't touch me, Batman!"

Actually, this issue is called "Angel of Darkness" but I have a feeling everybody will continue to have nothing to say. Batman lets his Batarangs and Explosions speak for himself anyway.

Once Batman breaks free, he causes an explosion in the hangar he'd been kept in to act as a distraction as he gets away. But the explosion sends The Penguin's men flying all over the place, probably burned and covered in shrapnel if not actually dead. I wonder if Batman's policy on killing only applies if he can see the person injured. He does blow an awful lot of shit up. Maybe because he knows how to survive explosions, he expects everybody else to also know the secret. And if they don't, it's their own fault for being killed in an explosion The Batman set off and not The Batman's fault at all. AT. ALL. I don't think you heard me. NOT THE BATMAN'S FAULT. EVER.

This is what Batman does with all the thugs caught in the explosion.

Judging by that last scan, I think I have to add a few more addendums to the the Not Batman's Fault Rule. If anybody seriously injured by Batman's explosion later dies after Batman moved them and shoved them into a confined space, it is not Batman's fault. If Batman ties up a criminal and leaves him for the police but the police do not get there before some of them die from starvation or thirst or previously sustained injuries caused by The Batman, it is not The Batman's fault but the fault of the Gotham Police and their slow response time. If anybody dies at any time due to actions stemming from The Batman's involvement, the actual fault is that of the person that got the attention of Batman due to their criminal shenanigans. Therefore if any of these people die, it is The Penguin's fault. Or maybe just their own fault for participating in illegal activities.

"Why are you stabbing yourself? Stop stabbing yourself!" Obviously not Batman's fault.

Batman breaks up a bunch of The Penguin's Holiday Sweat Shops much to the consternation of Jim Gordon who is going to have tons of paperwork now. Also upset? The Penguin! Because now how is he going to make all his Holiday Sex Slave Cash?

It doesn't really matter anyway because The Batman captures The Penguin and puts him away. Now The Penguin is going to have to spend what little Holiday Cash he made on Holiday Lawyers.

But the real losers are the Mexican mother who winds up having to take a minimum wage job working as a secretary for Wayne Enterprises while Wayne Enterprises exploits her to show how caring they are and how their ability to create jobs makes good citizens of all of the refugees to America's Shores. Also, Batman decides to terrify the woman's daughter every night because he can. He's The Goddamned Batman!

He's also a creepy motherfucker.

Batman: The Dark Knight #27 Rating: No change. I like these comic books without any words because I can read them quickly!

Batman: The Dark Knight #26

Batman Incorporated #14?

So in-between reading The Flash and picking up The Dark Knight, I cooked my cornbread muffins. I thought about putting an exclamation point at the end of that sentence but I'm not sure cooking muffins ever really needs an exclamation point. Perhaps if the subject of the sentence were different, an exclamation point would be called for. "My dead grandmother clawed her way through the gates of hell to cook me some cornbread muffins!" See? Much better. Oh, I should probably include the food shot since it's something I created and it desperately needs to be posted for posterity. The people of the future are going to want to experience all of the things their long dead God created.

My muffin tin that makes muffins shaped like asses is entirely appropriate.

Hopefully, the Clayface story arc is finally over now that he's been shoved into Arkham Asylum's version of a Betty Crocker Easy Bake and Highly Pressurized Oven. The cover doesn't really tell me anything except that it can't be true because Batman will never be chained! It's probably some kind of metaphor about taxes and how they're keeping Bruce Wayne from providing living wages to most of Wayne Enterprises employees. Thanks a lot, Comic Book Version of Obama!

The issue begins with a Mexican woman getting fired from her job of putting heads on angels. She also gets to the pharmacy too late to pick up the medicine which her baby needs. Also, I don't think she has enough money to buy it because she doesn't have a job. And then the baby dies and everyone is sad. And because of Sesame Street and the pharmacy being closed, all that keeps running through my head now is the word "ceh-rah-do!" "Ceeeeerrrrrraaaaaaadddddoooo!" "Cerrado!" "Abierto!" "Cerrado!"

This is only issue one of two so it looks like we're not going to get any dialogue for two full issues? This will be a quick read! Or maybe once the woman heads to the United States (probably Gotham!), we'll get some dialogue but she won't be able to understand it and she won't be able to respond. That way she's still voiceless but I'll feel like I didn't waste all that time learning to read just so I can look at stupid pictures! I want to show off my skills!

The woman's other child gets sick which is when she makes the desperate decision to leave her homeland and try her chance at America. But things go south while going north because the coyote or whatever they call the guy that takes the groups across the border double crosses them all and sells them out to The Masked Skull Gang! They separate the women from the children and the elderly because The Masked Skull Gang is probably into sex trafficking and/or age discrimination.

I could be wrong about this entire story though because without Narration Boxes, I'm thoroughly confused!

It could be I have the entire story wrong! The woman could have been working at a warehouse that creates actual angels. Then she inadvertently killed one which meant her child would be possessed by a demon. So the warehouse manager insists that she take the day off to deal with her demon child. But she arrives too late at the pharmacy to pick up the poison to kill the horrible monster. She comes back home to tell her family and weep in fear as the child curses them from the crib. Later they attend the funeral of her baby's first victim and while there, a man approaches her and says she should flee to Gotham. But she gets angry because there is nowhere to run from her demon child. Eventually her oldest child also begins succumbing to demonic possession because the woman must have gone back to work and killed another angel. She heads to the trash pile outside of town where God lives and asks him for forgiveness. God, of course, is a bald, tattooed man in a wife-beater. I'd normally call it a tank top but I think if the guy wearing it lives in a trash heap, you have to call it a wife-beater.

So God tells the woman there is nothing she can do. She must try to get her child as far away as possible before the child becomes completely possessed. So she loads up in a truck and heads to America. But on the way there, the truck is pulled over by America's Border Guard. Also it is Halloween which is why they have masks. They separate the adult women from the children and the elderly because they're all being taken to check out the Border Patrol's haunted house and it's too scary for small children and people with heart conditions. As the trucks are pulling away, the mother screams at them to kill her child because it has succumbed to the demon's will! But the guard thinks she's playing a Halloween prank so he smashes her in the face with the butt of his rifle because he hates Halloween pranks. The cars head off into the night.

While mother enjoys the haunted house, the children and elderly must prepare the Christmas decorations to be put up on the haunted house a few days after Halloween.

Grandmother is still trying to warn them about the devil child.

The mother is too frightened to visit the haunted house so she tries to get away. But she's forced back by gunpoint because she's going to enjoy the frightful festivities, dammit!

Meanwhile grandmother checks on the devil child and is perturbed that she still lives.

Grandmother is going to end this right the fuck now, by God!

While Grandmother tries to head out the window so she can find a weapon to kill the spawn of Satan, one of the border patrol tries to catch up to her to give her a knife. He believes her story unlike the rest of his coworkers! But he trips on some jingle bells on the ground and accidentally stabs her and knocks her out the window. Confused and disoriented from the fall, Grandmother wanders away into the night. The worker reports back to The Penguin who must be running the haunted house. He tries to explain how they have a devil child amongst them but The Penguin has a sudden panic attack from his Bat-related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and flips the fuck out on the guy.

Whoops!

Later, Batman finds the Grandmother dead on the street. In her hand, he finds a flyer for The Penguin's upcoming Santa's Workshop Themed House (not haunted!) and Batman gets really fucking pissed off because Damian would have loved to visit this but he can't because he's dead! And if Damian can't enjoy it, then fuck everyone! It's time to close this beloved yearly event down for good!

Batman pulls the fire alarm on the workshop preparing the decorations for the event and all the workers rush outside. When Batman runs inside to destroy everything, he finds the little devil girl praying for Jesus's head to explode.

Halo of light? More like Halo of Brains!

Batman realizes immediately how dangerous this little girl is so he takes her to a veterinarian to have her put to sleep. He watches from the window to make sure that she's been put on the drip that will ease her safely into oblivion without her realizing she's dying. If she knew what was happening, she'd destroy Gotham in hellfire!

By the time Batman has taken care of that problem, the Christmas Decoration Factory has recovered from the pulled fire alarm and they're back in business. This time, Batman decides to forgo the subtle approach and smashes through a skylight, raining explosives down on the warehouse to destroy all of the beautiful and heart-warming decorations that Damian would have loved so much! You know, as soon as Batman taught Damian to love Christmas which I'm sure he had almost done before Damian was killed. Who doesn't love Christmas?! Even I love Christmas and I'm a Goddamned atheist!

Batman destroys everything and beats up the staff while telling the children they'd better get the fuck out and find a new job if they know what's good for them! The kids run screaming into the night as more of Penguin's employees pull up for their shift to find Batman out front shitting all over their shit.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY YULE LOG, BITCHES!?"

The employees newly arrived on the scene have their tinsel guns handy (they're not actual weapons! They're just used for firing strings of tinsel over the house and large trees) and fire them at Batman, tangling him up in a web of glittery festivity. He's carted off, shoved in a cage, and kept away from The Penguin's Holiday House Extravaganza. Christmas is saved!

God bless us! Every one!

Batman: The Dark Knight #26 Rating: No change. I think I've gotten the gist of this thing! It could be I'm supposed to be learning some kind of lesson from it but I'm hard pressed to see what devil children and Penguin's Christmas Party have got to do with being voiceless!

Black Hand #1

Geez, Hal. You suck. First you get chained to an asteroid then to a tree all the way over on Earth 2 and now to a gravestone!

I have a pretty shitty theory about Forever Evil so I thought I'd put it out there. There are probably more arguments against it than for it but since this is comic books I'm talking about, I figure anything is possible! So the events happening in Forever Evil are not happening on Earth Prime. The fight between the Justice League and the Crime Syndicate has not happened yet. The story that ended at the end of Trinity War has been paused to tell the tale of the Crime Syndicate and their battle on an Earth that was very nearly identical to Earth Prime (or Zero or whatever. But here on my blog, it's going to remain Earth Prime until I hear differently!). You have to really stretch your suspension of disbelief to think that the same events that brought the Crime Syndicate to Earth Prime happened at least once before on another world as the Crime Syndicate searched for a new home they didn't destroy. And then they end up destroying their new world and Ultraman winds up snorting all of the Kryptonite and then they need to look for a new world. And for some reason, only The Outsider and Atomica can travel between worlds to find the "Pandora's Box" which will allow the rest to follow. It gets really convoluted when looking at individual story lines and how they're going to proceed if Villains Month stories aren't actually taking place on Earth Prime. But if you consider the world the Crime Syndicate are attacking in Forever Evil is very nearly identical to Earth Prime then I imagine the events on both worlds would be nearly the same. So maybe the Crime Syndicate will defeat the Justice League and they'll be down and out for enough time that Lex thinks Superman is dead and Gotham begins to fall apart but then they'll come back and save the day. Meanwhile in Forever Evil, since it's a different Earth, Nightwing can be killed no problem. Big deal! Not the real Nightwing! And then Batgirl can follow. And whatever heroes are left after that that weren't in a Justice League. I think that's only Hal Jordan at this point?

Like I said, it's a shitty theory with a lot of holes. But this is fucking comic books so I figured I'd put it out there.

On to Black Hand. I've only read the first page with a couple of laborers are cremating bodies from an asylum when I turn the page and see the credits. Another fucking book written by Charles Soule? What is this guy doing? Trying to make as much money as he can in one month so he can take the rest of the year off? Although if DC is still giving out royalties on books, I think this would be the month to take on extra issues!

A Black Lantern Ring drops from the sky and into the pile of crazy serial murder lunatic ashes these men have dumped in a ditch. I don't know where the ring came from. Did Hal Jordan lose it? And why is Hal Jordan alive again anyway? Was that ever sufficiently explained or am I just supposed to accept the "it's a fucking comic book" logic of it all? Not having read any of the big Lantern Epics of the Naughts, I don't know how many Black Lantern Rings there are or where they go when they're not animating corpses or any of that shit. But now one is free and it has taken control of the ashes of the dead so that they could envelop and kill a man and turn him into Black Hand.

Is he going to be Black Hand this time because the Black Lantern Light will have to form his Black Right Hand? On a gathering storm comes a tall handsome man in a dusty black cape with a black right hand! DONG!

Black Hand does not need a fucking light hand. He just picks up the one on the ground and shoves it on his wrist. Good as new, motherfuckers! Time to go kill some Green Lanterns! But first, how about a tour of the old family mortuary? Which ends up getting Black Hand Tasered and thrown in a cell. It's quite possible this is the first time a super-villain has ever been captured by rent-a-cops. No offense to security guards. You guys do a great job keeping empty businesses safe and keeping word search puzzle book sales steady. I just thought that sound better saying "captured by rent-a-cops!"

Oh, I'm sorry. After thinking about that last paragraph, I should really apologize. I'm sorry to legitimate puzzle books for including "word searches" among them. That was uncalled for.

Waking up in his cell, Black Hand soon remembers that he has the power of death and undeath. Or unlife. He soon has a cockroach army which trades up to a rabbit-eared rat army which equals a single undead cat which eventually leads to a zombie cop. Don't worry, the math works out. You can trust me. I know it seems like a loss of effectiveness from undead cat to zombie cop but the undead cat can't work the keys for the cell, you know? So Black Hand had to go with a less cool minion in trade for an opposable thumb. After the zombie cop kills the other criminal in the cells, Black Hand escapes his cell with the beginnings of a zombie gang composed of about 68 cockroaches, one cat, one cop, and a drunken vandal. And with all the chaos outside, Black Hand finds plenty of new recruits for his army.

It must suck to be a zombie horde in the Era of Zombie Preparedness.

Turns out those Security Guards earlier were actually real fictional cops. Oops! I didn't mean to portray them as lazy bastards that do more sleeping than guarding. I should have portrayed them as power hungry asshole with itchy trigger fingers. My mistake!

Black Hand's army can't get to the cops so he uses his power to find something dead on or in the cops and to use those dead things to touch the cops and kill them. So he uses the dead virus inside one cop who just had a vaccination. He uses the dead tooth inside another cop's head which his partner is acually thankful for because holy fuck was he stinking up the patrol car with that rotten tooth stench. And he uses the dead sperm in the underwear of another cop that just masturbated at lunch and had some post-ejaculatory leakage when he sat back down at his desk and his boys fired that one final shot that never seems to get clear until you piss or squat. And just like that, the cops are down! Looks like they'll have to add a few new rules to their Zombie Training Manual like no vaccinations, regular dental check-ups, and no ejaculating while on the job.

Black Hand remembers what he was going to do during Geoff Johns run but because Johns had so many children in the fire, he couldn't maintain all of his plot threads. So Black Hand heads back to Shady Vale Cemetery to speak with Hal Jordan's father, the corpse of Martin Jordan. But what did he want from him? Some dirty Hal Jordan teenager secrets? To know Hal Jordan's middle name? Hmm, I don't know what else a father would know about his son!

Oh. That's what he wanted? I bet I know the first thing he's going to do with his new right hand!

Umm, yeah! Exactly what I was thinking!

Black Hand #1 Rating: If you're into all of this Green Lantern, Black Lantern, Rainbow Lantern crap, maybe you liked this issue. I don't know! Maybe you didn't like this issue because it wasn't written by Geoff Johns! I'm not even a comic book reviewer but now I'm supposed to tell you if you'd like this issue or not? What gives me the right? Who am I? I don't know anything! Especially about all of this Green Lantern crap. But I did like this issue. Once again, it felt more like a back-up story than a main arc. Maybe that's because Charles Soule is writing so damn many of these things, his stories have been stretched out to fill twenty pages when they probably really just need half of that. Anyway, Earth is kind of fucked with Black Hand raising the dead everywhere. I think Power Ring is going to have to deal with him. Except he probably shits himself and faints whenever he sees a dead body.

Dial H #15

Everybody in creation versus The Human Centipede!

I have an issue with Nelson's rotary phone dial. Now I'm not an expert on telephones but I was alive during the transition from rotary phones to push button phones. And, as far as I know, rotary phones never had the asterisk or the pound sign (also known as the number sign or hash sign if you're one of those weirdos that live somewhere other than North America. Weirdos!). Weren't those introduced for use in the push button phones? After push button dialing came about, did people begin to design rotary phones with those symbols on them? Would they even have been any use since a rotary phone would just make more clicking noises?! And even if they were added to a rotary phone, they couldn't take up the "1" and the "2" position since that would change the whole analog system, wouldn't it? Like I said, I'm not Phonologist or anything! But Nelson's dial is stupid.

Perhaps because they're alien, it doesn't fucking matter. Maybe they were set up to make Tweeting via the dial easier. "LOST IN SYSTEM WITH MULTIPLE BLACK HOLES #FUCKED #RACIST #SORRYNOTSORRY". Now I'm wondering why so many dials are so specific. Why doesn't one dial do everything? If all the Dial does is dial SIDE or HERO or GEAR, can't it just be a button you press? You'd think each Dial should be capable of Dialing all of those things! That makes fucking sense. I suppose you can't just hand out Dials that Dial an Apocolypse to just anybody. But there must be Master Dials that can dial a whole bunch of different things. I'd at least think that they'd be like ranks. So the most minimal Dial maybe dials GEAR. Then the next Dial up could dial GEAR and SIDE. Then a HERO Dial could dial HERO and the other two. I wonder if there is a Medic Dial that dials LIFE?

Last issue, The Dial Posse (minus a few members) finally arrived at The Hub where The Switchboard is located. Unless it was called something else. Waiting for them was The Human Centipede. Dwan changes from Eye Spy to Balls Out to get the ball rolling on this final issue of the Dial H canon (I won't accept any more Dial H stories unless they're written by China Mieville!).

Don't think I won't fill this entire commentary full of intended puns! And unintended puns as well! And well tended puns while we're at it!

And so the battle between people who feed off of other people's powers and a person who feeds from the bowels of the person in front of him begins! You know, The Dial Bunch versus The Human Centipede!

In past battles, The Human Centipede has been able to outmaneuver any power used against him by creating duplicates. But this time, he goes up against Water Tower who is able to flood the flood of Centipedes and drown a good portion of them. The Human Centipede also faces Secret Faction who causes dissent and confusion with a person's own mind. This causes The Human Centipede's dopplegangers to gang up on each other. At a loss as to how he'll win the battle, The Human Centipede calls for his girlfriend, The Fixer, to save him.

Whoops! That's the Pre-Crisis on Infinite Earth's version of The Fixer's first form. Let me find the Modern one.

There she is! Note the more modern sound effect!

The Fixer has the ability to transform into a hero with whatever power she needs. After Exhaust blackens the air, The Fixer transforms into Lampoon. That's a naked man with an enormous flashlight where you'd expect it to be who also has a lava lamp head and two table lamps for hands and, probably, campfires for feet.

When Secret Faction tries to invade The Fixer's head, The Fixer turns into Uranus Face which deflects Secret Faction's powers. The Fixer than goes on the offensive, changing into Kitten's Mortal Enemy and finally into Blow Job. Blow Job and The Human Centipede kidnap Nelson and run off with him to The Exchange. Oh! I bet that's what I meant when I said Switchboard earlier! The Dial Bunch head after them and discover The Exchange for themselves.

Who would have expected the Exchange to have changed so much?

The Exchange is so beat up, you've got to believe that The Dials are only channeling from very few worlds out of the infinity of them in the Universe. So if The Exchange could be fixed, The Dials would be even more powerful. But the reason The Exchange was destroyed was probably the result of the Dial Wars. I suspect the worlds being tapped by the Dials weren't at all happy about what was happening and teamed up to destroy The Exchange. Which is probably why "O" is handing out Apocalypses to every world that participated in the war. Because they destroyed his Grand Experiment. But what is The Fixer's role? Is The Fixer actually fixing everything? Or just cleaning up the mess and trying to shut the whole Goddamn thing down?

I guess that settles that! They're a team of super jerks! The Fixer is currently BDSM Doomsday.

The Operator is ending worlds with a Doom Dial. He also mentions a J-Dial which must be a Joke, Jape, or Jest Dial! Must there be a Dial for every letter? Dial "A" for Anal? Dial "B" for Boon? Dial "C" for Card? Because you need a Dial for those long road trips and Dial "G" is already taken by Gear so it can't be Game. Oh wait. The J-Dial is for Journey or Jaunt. What four letter "J" word for travel am I missing? Maybe it's simply Dial "J" for Jump.

A little exposition later, Nelson and I finally understand the relationship of these three antagonists. The Fixer was an Operator himself and had been hunting "O" to shut him down and stop him from destroying worlds. But she was lost until she met The Human Centipede who had the knowledge to lead The Fixer back to The Exchange. The Human Centipede was looking for The Exchange to get a Dial "E" for Evil dial since he couldn't Dial "H" for Hero, what with him being a rotten jerkface and all. I haven't gotten to the part of the explanation where The Fixer explains why she's now working for "O".

And then The Fixer turns into a psychic Narwhal and tells the history of The Exchange. Turns out it's simply an allegory for downloading music and movies on the internet. "We weren't stealing! We were just making copies!" But the MPAA and the RIAA didn't appreciate people making copies of things on which they had an intellectual copyright! So war broke out and one Operator decided to destroy everything rather than deal with the Material Protection Alterity Army and the Rapid Interreality Assault Alliance. He made a Dial that would destroy everything.

Which it didn't actually do. What did happen was that "O" disappeared and with him, blown across universes and galaxies and time, all the broken dials from The Exchange.

And now that The Fixer has found her world lost, she's all for killing everybody! Why the fuck not?

As Nelson learns everything he needs to know about The Fixer during a time when The Fixer was supposed to be learning everything Nelson knows before killing him, The Dial Bunch make there way into The Exchange via an Open Window. Inside, Roxie finds a working "H" Dial. One that doesn't emulate powers randomly but in much the same way The Fixer's works. She'll be able to Dial exactly what she needs. She also finds some instructions and a Compendium of, I'm assuming, personae to choose from! Which is exactly what it is as Bansa tells Roxie the code to turn into a specific hero to take on The Human Centipede. I think it's Laxative Lass or something.

Nelson manages to turn The Fixer back against "O" but it doesn't help much. "O" can turn the Dials on and off while The Human Centipede protects "O" from simply getting his teeth knocked out since Nelson or Roxie could easily take him in a fist fight. The Dial Posse need to retreat and come up with another plan before "O" destroys any more worlds. They'll probably stop him but according to next month's Dial "E" book, they won't stop "O" before he creates a dial for The Human Centipede.

Roxie has one of those super secret plans that she won't let the reader in on so the reader is just as surprised when it works as the antagonist. She's working on a special Dial for Nelson since Roxie and Bansa probably have the most knowledge about the Dials of anybody in the Universe not from The Exchange. Just as she finishes, The Human Centipede appears with his E-Dial. Which means not only can he Dial "E" for Evil--every single one of his copies can Dial "E" as well!

This must be why Dial "E" is taking over Justice League. He's a pretty serious threat now! Not that he was a pushover before.

And then Roxie's idea is revealed as Nelson dials her new Dial: Dial "M" for Mashup. Let's see the Record Industry Lost Operator stop this shit, bitches! And Roxie knocks out The Human Centipede and steals his Dial. She has another plan that she's not talking about. So while Nelson goes through form after form of mashed-up prior personalities, Roxie and Open Window Man head off to end the comic book. Meanwhile, The Lost Operator uses a broken Dial because it doesn't matter what he turns into. Operators have amplifiers. Which explains why The Fixer was so powerful. She could choose whatever form she wanted and increase its power!

Roxie's plan turns out to mash-up the Operator since his power if amplified and it'll send him out of control.

Maybe this is why Dial "E" ends up in Justice League!

"O" disappears in a crack of lightning, along with the E-Dial and The Centipede. Open Window Man, Nelson, Dwan, and Roxie are all stranded in The Exchange. I didn't forget Bansa! He died! Now they'll have to spend their down time researching the Dials. I suppose the down time will be as long as it takes for some editor to decide fans are ready for a Dial "H" mini-series.

Dial H #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope you Goddamned internet pirates have learned a valuable lesson from this! Don't steal music! Except The Exchange were not actually bad guys, they were just misunderstood. So maybe the lesson to be learned is to pirate music and movies all you want because fuck Corporate America! Except the good guys were represented by individuals who sometimes really did have things stolen from them and thus had a real reason to stop The Exchange! So the lesson was to not steal music and comic books from creators because when they make less money from their creations, you'll never get more creations from those creators! Unless the lesson was that a lot more people were reading Dial H than the profit on it would show which is why the book was cancelled even though it should have been making a lot more money than it was so fuck all of you assholes that downloaded and read Dial H illegally because now I don't get to read it any more! Unless the lesson was that there wasn't a lesson and no allegory existed and we should just enjoy the story on the topmost level where the words and the pictures were. Or maybe the lesson was that there was another socio-economic allegory in the story that I completely missed because I was too busy making up stupid names for the characters that were never named, like Lampoon and Blow Job!

Dial H #14

This Issue: Nelson uses the Dial to become The Remover of Obstacles and defeats The Human Centipede on Frog World.

I think this comic is going to end next month. And I hope China Mieville plans to cliffhanger the fuck out of it. I don't want any nicely wrapped up story here! This book is too good to tie a bow on and hope the characters will return in some shape or form in DC's future. This thing needs to end in the middle of some serious fucking chaos. China needs to full blown Twin Peaks this shit! Do not go gently into cancellation, China! Fuck DC! I don't care if this comic book was losing money. As a company, you don't kill a comic that fans can point to and say, "See? DC isn't all about Scott Lobdell's jizz splashed across twenty pages (not counting ads)!"

Wow. If you could only see the fireworks going off in my brain and all the different things I wanted to start saying about Scott Lobdell, you'd cheer and applaud and think the country just celebrated another birthday already. But I don't want to get sidetracked talking about the luckiest mother fucker to work in comic books. ((The previous open parantheses (the one before the last one) indicates whispering!) he's lucky because he's talentless and has had a really long career!) I wonder if I really should have ended a whispered sentence with an explanation point?

The Frogs of Frog World look a tad bit different than on the cover. It's understandable. Brian Bolland is probably one of those cover artists that nobody dares to give art direction. "Shhh! Don't bother him! He's channeling genius!"

Nelson and Dwan have helped the Frog People by killing a Giant Fly that probably eats frogs. It also seems to have killed my favorite character in the Dial Bunch, Ejad the Robot Dandy. Stupid China Mieville! I'm glad your stupid comic book is getting cancelled! I'm going to write a letter threatening your life just like rabid fans did back in the seventies when Peter Parker's girlfriend Gwen "two first names" Stacy was killed! And Ejad was a much better character! You might agree with me if I let you read all of my Ejad fan-fic I wrote last month!

Now that Ejad is dead, my favorite character in the book is the Frog Kid.

The Dial Bunch are on the trail of The Fixer but it's slow going because they haven't been able to repair the Jump Dial. So they're just following whatever leads they can and, apparently, losing their best members through carelessness and horrible writing and stupid authors who can't see when they've struck gold with a character! If that monster China can kill a sweet, witty, sexpot of a robot like Ejad, who isn't he willing to kill? I bet the Dial Bunch land on a world filled with slaughtered kittens next!

See?! He's a fucking monster! I just declared Frog Kid my new favorite Dial H character and you foreshadow this shit?! China, did you make a bet with someone that you could become more despised than Scott Lobdell? You better get your act together, sir!

Why does the Frog Kid have mammaries? Frogs aren't mammals! Hey, Jim Shooter, what do you have to say about that?

Jim Shooter: "Fucking artists! Can't they do a little GD research once in awhile? They're all so lazy. This one time, I was writing a story about the Legion of Super-heroes. I was just fifteen but I was writing for DC, so that meant I was writing stories at least two or three years more mature than the other writer's stories. Anyway, I told the artist, "Look! Night Girl and Shadow Lass are fighting in the dark. I want five pages of black panels!" And what does the artist do? FIVE SLIGHTLY OFF-BLACK SPLASH PAGES! Can we get some panel breaks to support the flow of dialogue?! And what's with the off-black?! I said black, you moron! Ugh. What was that you were saying about frogs and titties?"

Thanks, Uncle Jim! You should guest star on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm sometime! I sense a little chemistry there!

So the Dial Bunch head through a portal to another world. But before we leave Frog World and Ejad's body behind, I want to show you a drawing from one of my fan-fic's starring him! As a memorial!

Spoiler Warning: He touches it! He also snakes it. With his penis.

After the Dial Bunch leave Frog World, they end up in a world flooded by The Fixer and The Human Centipede (probably. I'm making assumptions! Because I like making an "ass" out of "u" and "mptions"!). A tidal wave is about to overwhelm the building they're on, so they Dial a portal to a new world. But only half of them escape! Yabaa, Nem, and Unbled don't make it. And then on the new world, Nelson, Roxie, Open-Window Man, Bansa, and Dwan are attacked by living weapons of war. Nelson turns into Moon Monkey and Roxie turns into Pipe Cleaner to defend themselves.

Except what good is a Pipe Cleaner? My cat defeats two or three of those every day. The Dial Bunch are captured so that the Weapons of War can question them by giving them as much information as they can. The Weapons of War aren't very good at the interrogating prisoners part of war.

Next there's a near prison break-out and then a zombie apocalypse and then an invader from another world. I guess China wanted the readers to realize that a great load of shit was about to hit a great number of fans. Hey! That's what happens every month that Teen Titans hits the newstands!

The cosmic invader is "O", the Great and Powerful. "O" probably stands for "operator" and not that other "O" word that everybody thinks of when they hear "O" because it's so much better. No, not Oprah, you jerk.

Holy shit! There's an Apocalypse Dial?! Shit is fucked up.

For the time being, everybody is safe because "O" lost his connection and his apocalypses disappeared. But he's probably busy dialing up a Plague of Toads in Frog World! My poor Frog Kid is going to die from warts!

Luckily for everybody, the Weapons of War, having some experience with the Dials in the Great Exchange Rate War, fixed the Jump Dial. Now this half of the Dial Bunch use it to head to the Exchange and finally put an end to this chaos.

When they arrive at The Exchange, they're greeted by smoke, ruins, and The Human Centipede. He's got some things to say. But not until next issue.

Dial H #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let me put the pieces together now and explain what's going on. A long time ago, there was a War of the Dials. They called them the Dial Wars. The President of The Exchange, "O", sold shares of super powers to various people on various planets. But when it was discovered those shares weren't shares at all but steals, the people asked for their money back. But "O" didn't want to give them any money back and instead decided to show those uppity customers some what for. So "O" decided to Strike Back and she sent her Dial Agents in to collect some bills. Nobody wanted to pay, so there was War. Destruction ravaged much of the universe and "O" lost a lot of power and money. So now "O" is going down her database of customers and dialing an Apocalypse for each of them because The Exchange has really, really poor customer service protocols. But "O" didn't expect the Return of the Dial Bunch! And "O"'s little sidekick, The Human Centipede, looks like he may have had a change of heart when he realized his girlfriend was out to destroy the universe, one apocalypse at a time. Later, we'll get some prequels and some cartoons and maybe a Holiday Special too. I'm looking forward to it!

Dial H #13

I just tried this and it doesn't work. I probably should have used chalk instead of a Sharpie.

This is a comic book. That's a book with pictures and words. Pictures are visual representations of other visual things. Words are symbolic representations of abstract ideas or physical things. Words are composed of letters. Letters are merely symbolic pictures representing sounds. Sounds are symbolic noises representing things or ideas. Abstract ideas are things that your cat doesn't ever think about because it has no language and thus no way to internalize a thought about those things. Or perhaps it does think about things like hatred and arrogance but since it doesn't have language, it has no way to represent these ideas internally or externally. How would we think differently if we weren't taught language when we are young? I suppose nobody would spend any money on therapists.

What am I talking about? Why aren't I writing my commentary as I usually do? Maybe the Dial I drew on my wall actually worked! I'm losing myself in another voice! But I'm still kind of here as well! I need something like Manteau's cloak to keep me grounded in my normal identity!

Yeah, that'll work. Also, displaying proudly my shirt that declares I'm not illiterate!

Now that I don't have to worry about losing myself in whatever super hero I'm channeling, I can begin reading the comic book!

I will be scanning the first page because it is a marvelous rendering of childhood pictographs. But because I just inserted a picture a scant few lines above what you are currently reading, I feel the need to vamp for a bit to increase the negative space between visual representations of the story. Most of these sentences filled with words and letters are merely filler anyway. It is the revelation of the monthly plot that you are most likely interested in because it will save you two dollars and nintety-nine cents to get the information from me. By the way, money is a symbolic representation of perceived value. Since it is highly unlikely that anybody will be willing to part with four pints of beer directly for your ability to interpret tax law, money acts as an intermediary proof that you have performed valuable services for somebody somewhere and are, in fact, due four pints of beer. The man pouring your four pints of beer will receive money from the man selling the four pints of beer for the service of inebriating a good percentage of the city. But since not everybody in the city is an inebriate, the tender of the bar probably cannot get his toilet unclogged by directly pouring beer for the plumber. Yes, it's highly probably that that exchange will actually work. But perhaps if the tender of the bar needs his prostate examined, he would be better off exchanging currency.

Although the term "currency" brings up an interesting tangle, especially since I invoked the medical profession. Here money is rarely exchanged and we, as citizens, generally get by with insurance cards. To gain an insurance card, we continuously pay an insurance company in exchange for paying exorbitant fees to the medical professionals. Interestingly enough, the insurance companies pay much smaller fees for the same procedures that would drive us into bankruptcy if we had to pay with currency from our own pockets. Occasionally, an insurance company that we have been loyal to for many years, giving them many of our dollars and cents, decides we aren't worth their help and they terminate our relationship just when we need them most. Many people in our country argue violently to maintain this lopsided relationship in which they have no power because they believe the rhetoric that nationalized healthcare will wind up with people not being treated. And most people would rather not be treated by medical professionals because they can't afford it than to not be treated by medical professionals in a hypothetical situation that will never actually come to pass.

Okay, that's enough negative space. Here's the first page of this comic book that is simply adorable and chilling at the same time. Like a baby dressed as a shark!

It's Captain America's origin story!

Open-Window Man is observing this chalk scene representation of an event that happens on every world he's been to. And he finds, every time, he's too late to do anything about it. Was Open-Window Man the orphan on his world? Did the same thing happen to him? And when the American flag flew in the open window, did he just see the event differently than Captain America saw it? So instead of seeing an American flag as a symbol to terrify those that would scoff at laws, Open-Window Man saw an opportunity to transport himself, like the American flag, from outside to inside! Exactly what a hero would want to be able to do! Who in their right mind would want to be the American flag?!

As Open-Window Man watches the chalk figure boy cry his eyes out over his dead parents (remembering all the while that these chalk figures are merely representations of a thug murdering a man and a woman without a pearl necklace), the chalk boy begins speaking to him (so forget that part about remembering these figures being a representation!). It asks for his help and then the conversation is interrupted by the title of this comic book, "Tekel Upharsin."

Being that I don't know Hebrew, I decided to consult Lord Google who I was assured knew Hebrew! But he knew it too well and kept expecting me to understand the meaning of the pictorial representations of the sounds of the language. He even offered to let me hear the sounds uttered but I didn't think that would do me any good. So instead, I donned on my swamp pants and waded into Wikipedia. Wikipedia told me that the phrase "Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin" was written on the wall of Babylonian King Belshazzar's palace during a drunken orgy where some sacred vessels stolen from a Solomon's Temple were totally Two Girled, One Cupped. The literal translation seems to just be a list of measures of currency but the interpreted translation meant that Babylon was fucked.

Let me interrupt myself for a second to say, "Holy fucking shit. I can't believe all my bullshit on symbols and language and currency actually ended up being perfect commentary for the title of the comic book that I had yet to read." I now return you to the not-so-regularly scheduled reading.

Anyway, the "Tekel Upharsin" stuff seems to be the etymology of the term "the writing on the wall." I think that's what China Mieville is getting at. Imminent doom! As in, this fucking book has been cancelled, bitches!

As the graffiti story continues with Open-Window Man watching, I realize Open-Window Man probably caused the American flag that Captain America takes inspiration from. Being that the American Flag came in through an open window and Open-Window Man is watching Captain America's life pass him by, it makes sense that he would help him in some, small ways. Also, he's probably watching the Preboot Captain America!

A bunch of other DC heroes can hear and see them too! Like Scarlet Witch and Iron Man and Thor and Thunderbolt and Moon Knight too!

While Open-Window Man helps train little Captain America, Nelson and Roxie and the rest of the Dial Bunch hang out and watch other Graffiti heroes or talk Dial Politics or chat about the inclement orange weather. They're also trying to get their hands on a Dial that Captain Random stole from The Fixer when The Fixer came to turn off Captain Random's Dial. This is a J-Dial. A Jump Dial. It's used to travel between worlds and Captain Random's stealing it as she died caused The Fixer to lose her ability to travel easily between worlds. The Dial Bunch would like to get their hands on it so they can travel right to The Fixer's home and defeat her. But there's a singularly single problem that everybody has probably already guessed by now.

I could visit this planet with a full bladder and become their big company-wide crossover supervillain: The Piss Eraser!

Open-Window Man continues to train little Captain America as he explains to him why they need to stop The Fixer and her romantic interest The Human Centipede. Little Captain America wonders how they know The Human Centipede is going to do bad things. So Open-Window man describes the movie and its sequel to him and Little Captain America agrees they must be stopped. But he's still too nice so Open-Window Man hatches the plan I knew he would hatch because Master Comic Book Reader over here!

I hope he drew the American flag correctly as it came through the open window!

This issue is all about explication. Occasionally comic books resort to a story like that, perhaps because a writer is leaving and he wants to lay down some history no matter how horrible it turns out (as in Superboy with Scott Lobdell and his explanation of Harvest). And sometimes it's done so beautifully, it makes you want to weep all the way back to when you were fourteen and Marilyn Mendoza told you she doesn't like being stared at as she walked past you in the library during lunch (as in this issue. This one. Right here).

Open-Window Man also explains who his friends are.

Ejad is my favorite.

Open-Window Man is a hero and not a Dialer. And Bansa, the last of the Dial Bunch, used to be a Dialer until she realized she was stealing powers and was getting heroes killed. Her use of the Dial resulted in Boy Chimney's death. And when she found Open-Window Man to apologize and be punished, he instead joined forces with her to stop any more trouble from Dials and The Fixer. And then Open-Window Man tells his Origin.

How has this been cancelled while Scott Lobdell's excrement continues to sell well? It's sad that familiar characters rather than well told stories sell comic books.

The Dial Bunch seem to be at an impasse. They cannot retrieve the J-Dial because it is merely graffiti on a wall. And Open-Window Man doesn't understand this world because there are no windows. But Little Captain America points out that there are indeed windows. Right there. Drawn right on the walls. And suddenly Open-Window Man knows how to get the Dial. He has Nem G-Dial a bus with windows and Open-Window Man climbs through the passenger side window and out of the window of a graffiti house! He figured it out! Just like Batman would have! I mean, just like Captain America would have!

Why isn't the female hero doing the Boob-Butt Showcase? This world is weird!

Turns out Open-Window Man didn't draw anything flying through anything else. While Little Captain America slept, Open-Window Man was drawing him a Captain America Cave. But once Little Captain America sees it, he doesn't want it because it doesn't belong there. He loves it and thinks it's neat but it shouldn't exist. So Open-Window Man wipes it clean. And I bet it's the action of Open-Window Man wiping the chalk clean that gives Little Captain America his inspiration to become The Eraser! Except that's just speculation on my part. We'll have to wait until the The New 52's Eighth Wave when The Eraser comes out.

Dial H #13 Rating: +3 Ranking. This issue was just all kinds of awesome. Stupid readers not supporting it.

Dial H #12

I'm pretty sure Window Kid is a member of Boy Chimney's super group, House. Or Home. And I guess Roxie has turned into Clown School Balloon Battalion.

Time to see if Roxie and Nelson can defeat The Human Centipede and The Fixer without using their dials! Because Nelson just had an ethical meltdown about how using the dials is unfair to the people whose powers they're stealing. Oh! But I just realized something through clever deduction and detective work! The cover shows them using stolen powers! So I guess he's not as righteous as he'd like to think he is.

At least the first part of Nelson's plan doesn't involve dialing.

The Human Centipede will simply reverse back to a place in time when he hasn't been kicked in the balls but that can't take away Nelson's satisfaction.

The rest of the fight basically comes down to a brawl for the Hero Dial. Eventually The Fixer bitch slaps The Human Centipede to get her (I'm gambling on The Fixer being female) hands on The Dial and The Human Centipede suddenly becomes hurt and indignant. Isn't that the way with human centipedes? They're all so fucking touchy.

The Fixer turns into The Moaning Mummy and shuts down Nelson's Hero Dial with his magic bone screwdriver. But Roxie has some kind of plan that involves turning into a Sidekick. Perhaps she realizes that The Fixer, being a Hero, cannot harm her if she becomes a Sidekick. In fact, The Fixer must love, adore, and protect her! Although her actual motive might be a chance to fuck The Fixer once they connect as Hero and Sidekick.

Roxie turns into a boxing hero named Clench whose super power is to never crap her pants while being pummeled in the ring. But as a Sidekick, she's confused without orders. Until she puts on her mask and cape and simply becomes Manteau.

Punch! Punch! Kick! Hold it in! Elbow! Knee!

Manteau manages to make Zombie Miner (The Fixer!) drop the Hero Dial and Nelson grabs it. Although The Fixer turned it off so I'm not sure what use it will be to them now. Once they've got both dials, Roxie and Nelson make a run for it. They think they can simply hide from The Fixer if they don't use the Dials but The Fixer has supreme control over her Dial. She can gain any power she needs and she turns into The Running Radar Robot. Trapped and unable to fight The Fixer and The Human Centipede, Nelson opens the window of the room in the hopes of maybe escaping. But instead of escaping out the window, help comes through it!

I think Section 8's Defenestrator might want to have a little chat about copyright with Open-Window Man.

Obviously that punch sends them flying out of a window since words and definitions matter. The Fixer turns into the Clown School Balloon Brigade to avoid splatting across the asphalt below. But The Human Centipede isn't so lucky. I thought maybe he could just turn into a bunch of selves that will all end up smeared all over the sidewalk but he survives somehow off panel. My guess is he made so many bodies of himself that one of them survived by landing on the pile of squished organs and splattered heads. The Human Centipede and The Fixer are having a tough time against just Open-Window man, so when his friends arrive, things don't look too good for them.

It's a cornucopia of Dial Heroes!

The Dial Bunch opened a portal from the Lab where The Human Centipede opened a portal to summon The Fixer. The Dial Bunch forces The Human Centipede back into the lab and back through the original portal, closing it behind them. Now The Fixer and The Human Centipede are once again lost across space with no easy way to travel back to Earth. The Dial Bunch, on the other hand, seem to have a Dial that allows them to travel wherever they want. With a little luck, anyway.

This new group have come for Nelson and Roxie. It looks like some answers will be forthcoming next issue. The group is composed of Open-Window Man who is not a Dialer but just himself and Boy Chimney's friend. One member is named Nem and he Dials G for Gear. One Dialer has a Dial with a broken auto-dialer so he's constantly changing. And four other Dialers whose Dials are probably just Hero and Sidekick Dials.

Dial H #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. It looks like Nelson and Roxie are going to learn a whole bunch of secrets next issue! Unless this ends up like Green Arrow where they keep teasing secrets but never reveal any. Hopefully Nem can Dial G for a Magic Bone Screwdriver to get Nelson's Dial up and running again. And maybe this new crew will trade for Roxie's Sidekick Dial so that Nelson and Roxie stop sleeping with each other the way Heroes and Sidekicks always do.