Deathstroke the Terminator #15 (Rose Wilson's First Appearance)

Who could possibly be the father of her white-haired child?! And why would it even be brought up on the cover of Deathstroke the Term...oh! Wait! I figured it out!

The Review!
My favorite part of this comic book is the trademark symbol under Sweet Lili's name on the cover and then, inside the comic book, she's referred to as Sweet-Lili. Isn't that dash important to the trademark? I mean, I'm not a lawyer or anything but I suspect consistency is important in trademark law! Plus who the fuck trademarks the name "Sweet Lili"?! Maybe DC Comics planned to turn it into a fucking sweet pinball machine! This cover could totally be the backglass to a machine! My second favorite part of the comic was when Wintergreen caught sight of Rose Wilson for the first time and nearly went straight. As far as being Rose Wilson's first appearance? It's nothing special. I'm sure she makes a better "first" appearance later when she's named.

The Commentary!
Slade Wilson is out of children to love dramatically in that way that deadbeat dads use to show how passionately they actually love the children they've ignored for most of their lives. Rending garments and pulling hair out and loudly proclaiming how much you love your children only make up for not actually interacting with your children in the eyes of other deadbeat dads. "Oh, your children are ungrateful too? And their mother is a shrewish whore who never let you see them for no good reasons at all?! I mean, she always had plenty of reasons! But they were all, like, lies and shit. Just like the dirty whore mother of my children! WHOM I LOVE SO MUCH!" And since DC Comics can't seem to have a Slade Wilson that doesn't have a crippling tie to his progeny, it was time to make up a new kid! Rose Wilson, this is your life! A really shitty life with a shitty dad who will do anything to protect you, even if he has to eventually kill you!

This is Part 4 of Total Chaos (as you can see on the cover but I'm going somewhere with this) which is called Total Chaos because it's a fucking mess. It's one of those time travel stories where somebody from the future comes back to the present to murder somebody that they've been unable to murder in the future so that the future never happens which will mean they won't exist but stop pulling at the threads already and just buy into the stupid fucking story, asshole. It's one of those stories that the X-men were making so popular at the time that DC Comics decided to bring in an editor on The New Titans who wouldn't mind driving the Titans in the exact same direction and looking like a complete plagiarist and thief and Johnny-Come-On-My-Tits-Lately. Deathstork just got pulled into this because Marv Wolfman was writing him and he's inextricably linked to the Titans even though he killed Joseph Wilson about a year ago and now has no real reason to care about these kids. He really should be off killing people for money without caring and living the bachelor life of a sad bachelor who only just became an unattached bachelor because he managed to get all of his kids killed which also pissed off his ex-wife to such a degree that she's trying to kill him too. Party!

Currently Slade Wilson is suffering from having been injected with too much truth serum. I guess Jon Peterson, troublemaker, told Marv Wolfman that Deathstroke was too powerful! He needed to to be made more human so he'd have more drama and tension, like a Marvel character! And why don't you give him another kid, just to increase his personal problems because that's what all the Marvel kids seem to like! And have you seen how hot the X-men have been lately?!

Make room for Wintergreen! He's a master of fellatio! I mean a fairly competent medic!

Slade is taken into the back room of the hotel room because it's a really fancy hotel room. Maybe that's because it's an apartment. I have no idea where they are specifically! I just know they're somewhere in New York causing problems for Councilwoman Stick-Up-Her-Twat (who I actually agree with and I shouldn't call names but since I can't remember her actual name, I had to call her something!). The characters closest to Slade wind up with him in the back room: Wintergreen, Garfield Logan, and Terra. Although this isn't the Terra he statuatorily raped. This is just a girl from the future who looked kind of like her, got plastic surgery to look just like her, and then was injected with her DNA to get her super powers. So I don't think any hanky-panky will be taking place. Unless it's legal hanky-panky and it involves Gar and Terra.

Or not. Stupid Garfield! She wants you! Even with your stupid haircut!

Meanwhile Councilwoman Hair-Bun-So-Tight-She-Can't-Shit has begun saying things that make me not agree with her. I agree with her that the Titans are a menace to New York City because every single battle they have within the city limits is because they were within the city limits. They haven't been saving anybody but themselves for seven years. But I can't agree with her when she begins to think the Titans themselves are a threat to the people of New York. They do manage to keep the people safe even if the danger to the citizens of New York City was caused by a relative of the Titans out for revenge. When she starts talking like that, she's just spreading fear to help get herself elected as the mayor of New York. I'm not even sure why she wants that job! I'm pretty sure the only thing the mayor of New York City does is orally pleasure the governor of New York.

Meanwhile, Wintergreen continues to pine in silence for the dick of his old friend.

Slade and Wintergreen slip away from the children from the present and the ones from the past to go have their own side adventure during Total Chaos. Slade has become the leader of an underground city of illiterate, moronic mutants and he needs to get back to them. They've got a mission to accomplish! Or something! I don't really remember. Slade also made friends with some kids who may or may not become part of the Deathstroke team, depending on how many new readers can be brought in by moving the story in that direction. On the way to meet his mutant army, Slade decides to pass out. But first he needs to tell Wintergreen a story about his past that will set the stage for his new child!

Oh yeah. I'd plant a rose in that vagina too!

Basically Deathstroke's story amounts to he had sex with a Cambodian woman. I guess he just needed to brag about it in case he died in Wintergreen's arms. I hope I have sex one day so that I can brag about it on my deathbed!

Actually, Slade told the story because Sweet-Lili is now in New York and Slade's mutant army know her. So they take Slade to her where she can give Slade some sexual healing. And maybe some medicine. And probably an introduction to his daughter.

Slade never gets to meet Rose because he's too busy being medically pampered by a throng of prostitutes. But Wintergreen meets her briefly and he makes the connection between Slade's white hair and Rose's white hair! Although I just assumed Slade's hair was white because he was old. I guess I've spent too many months reading Tony S. Daniel's New 52 young Slade who doesn't have white hair at all because teen readers might still think he's old and disgusting and choose not to read about him.

In the end, after all of the bullshit story that was just introduced so that Slade could have another child to flip the fuck out over, Slade simply winds up arrested by Councilwoman Alderman. That way, he can be detained for the next two parts of Total Chaos which will focus on the Teen Titans and the Team Titans. Nobody needs him until then.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40

This issue had better not end with a "To be continued in the stupid annual!"

Good riddance, losers! This is the part where the boring assholes sing "Hey hey hey! Goodbye!" And then they high-five each other in celebration of doing the most trite and boring thing they could have done out of all things in the entire world! And this is me doing the same thing but pretending it's being done by a couple of fictional dickspasms!

The issue begins with Helspont sneaking up on Red Hood and the Outlaws because Roy said, "It can't get any worse!" So unless Scott Lobdell forgets he ended last issue with that line, somebody is going to berate Roy for his choice of words.

Hmm, I guess Lobdell forgot to finish his joke. But that's no surprise! He often forgets how he ended his scripts the month before. Reading trade paperbacks of his stories must be nearly incomprehensible.

Anyway, the Outlaws defeat Helspont in four pages or something.

I hope the rest of the comic book is just advertisements for army men, sea monkeys, and Grit.

Darn it. They didn't really defeat Helspont that easily. Shucks! He comes back at them with a counterattack while proving that English is just his second language.

Perhaps "presume" is the word you're looking for?

Rose Wilson throws two swords into Helspont's chest and everybody is shocked when they barely faze him. I mean, it's understandable that he survived gun shots and the explosive arrow to the chest and Starfire's sun bolts. But swords? Come on! This is one tough son of a bitch!

Blackfire shows up and is all, "Surprise to nobody! I'm with Helspont! Tee hee!" Rose Wilson is all, "I see you're the prudish sister, Starfire!" And Starfire is all, "Take that back! I guzzle cum way better than Blackfire!" And Roy is all, "Totally!" And Starfire is all, "How do you know how much cum my sister can guzzle?!" And Roy is all, "Whoops!"

"Tee hee! Your general is in blow job position, sir!"

Helspont's army of Citadel warriors take control of the situation. Too bad they've been written to have a single, fatal flaw! Crux, having researched every alien in the universe somehow while living on Earth, knows that every soldier of the Citadel's brain is wired directly to their armor which is wired directly to every other piece of armor which are all wired directly to a three meter hole big enough to bullseye a womp rat! Whew! I was afraid Scott Lobdell was going to create an unbeatable army!

Blackfire actually loves Starfire so she blasts Helspont in his junk instead of killing her sister's friends. The Citadel soldiers stand around thinking, "Should we do something or just wait around for Crux to shut us down?" Blackfire gets thrown hundreds of miles away by Helspont as he nurses his blasted testicles which might now be oozing pus and madness. Then Jason Todd shoots the kneecaps out of the one Citadel soldier standing nearby so that Crux can play Angry Birds while sitting on top of him. Todd grabs the big gun of the Citadel soldier and starts blasting Helspont in the face with it. Helspont falls over thinking, "What the fuck happened to me? I used to be a powerful bad ass! But now I keep getting beat by arrogant bastards who hide behind guns and red masks! Fuck you Grifter and Red Hood! I will have my revenge!"

In the space of just two minutes, Rose Wilson has racked up one-third of the kills her father has scored in his entire life (according to his own comic book (but prior to his killing three hundred of Odysseus's blind henchmen)!).

Arsenal manages to kill one soldier. I guess that's pretty good for a guy with a bow. Plus, he must have been busy building the monstrous spider gun he uses to blow the ultimate omnifuck out of Helspont. All that's left of Helspont is his arm so I'm going to say he's really and truly dead now. No way he can ever come back from that. Nope! As dead as a door nail named Ted Kord!

Although Ted Kord is really and truly back in Justice League 3000 so I guess I can't use that comparison anymore.

After the battle, Starfire heads home to Tamawhatever with Crux piloting the ship and her sister trying not to die in sick bay. Arsenal is all, "Well, it was fun!" And Starfire is all, "Yeah! We'll probably never see each other again because Scott Lobdell is still going to be writing your comic book and DC Comics probably knows better than to let him write me ever again!" And Roy is all, "I know, right?!" And Jason Todd is all, "We were OUTLAWS!" And everybody is all, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The end!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40 Rating: No change. Hey hey hey! Goodbye! *HIGH-FIVES EVERYBODY!*

Deathstroke #5

Is this cover a metaphor for Batman, Deathstroke, and Harley comparing penises?

Last issue ended with Harley Quinn leading Deathstroke into a trap that will not get him killed at all because the trap is Batman and Batman doesn't kill for unknown reasons. I think if Harley really wanted to make Deathstroke pay for the betrayal in Russia, she could have led him into a vat of acid or a pit full of hyenas. Manipulating him into a fight with Batman just seems lazy and manipulative of DC readers' wallets.

After the fight with Batman, Deathstork Deathstroke will probably get back to his regular mission which is to learn the real name of his son Jericho. Hint: it's Joey. Sorry, that was a bad hint because it was actually the answer.

The first thing we learn is that Deathstroke became an absolute moron when he regained his youth.

Of course you're going to run into Batman if you set foot in Gotham! Batman is contractually obligated to take part in any story that takes place in Gotham.

The second thing we learn is that Deathstroke has a filthy mouth as he calls Harley a "$%#!" Yeesh! Even I don't swear like that!

The third thing we learn is that Batman is easily manipulated. If you put a bad guy in front of him, he has to begin throwing punches. That might also be part of his contract.

This issue is called "Battle Royale With Cheese" because it's about French teenagers on an island fighting to the death.

Tony S. Daniel knows he's bad at choreographing a fight scene which the reader can follow so he has Deathstroke explain every move Batman makes through his Narration Boxes. Meanwhile Harley calls the fight like a junior high school ringside announcer except she doesn't call either opponent "gay."

So far, a lot of "blow rolling" has been going down in this fight. Gay.

Deathstroke decides he's getting his ass kicked because he's not used to fighting with two eyes. So Fish up and dig the other one out with a spoon, you coward! Instead, Deathstroke hits Batman with a wall the building apparently didn't need. Then Batman throws some firecrackers in Slade's face because that's totally annoying. Then Slade says, "Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier when you asked me, 'Why are you here?', but if my son is killed while I'm fighting you (which I chose to do by ignoring your question earlier and just attacking you), I'm holding you responsible!" And Batman is all, "Well I'm holding you responsible for my dental bills and my laundry and my tailoring repairs although you did help me...er, Bruce Wayne demolish this building for free that he was going to demolish to make way for a bunch of high rent condominiums, so maybe we're even. Um, Bruce will pay me in weapons and shit cause he's cool like that." And Harley is all, "Stop talking, you butt munches!"

See? Absolute moron. Doesn't even know where the heart is.

Batman isn't very bright either. Why has he been getting tips from Harley? Was their date in New York so successful that he's all turned around on her? She isn't a violent maniac anymore because she kisses so well? I wonder if Batman calls his penis "Little Alfred" since it makes so many decisions in his life?

The fight continues for a few more pages with Batman beating the crap out of Deathstroke and Deathstroke narrating the entire thing so the reader understands why he's losing a battle in his own comic book. "I can't fight with two eyes! I'm too slow! Something about milliseconds! I-Ching is a dick! My face hurts! Joey! I mean, Jericho! Who's Joey? Oh wait! Batman should have killed me right now but he didn't which means the tables are now turned and I will win because I was almost dead but then wasn't which means I'm suddenly back to full strength! A-ha!" And then the building blows up because Harley rigged it with explosive cartoon presents.

She also thought Batman would defeat Deathstroke with one bat, man.

Deatstroke forgives Harley Quinn because he needs somebody to lead him to Jericho even though she previously implied she was hunting Jericho for the bounty on his head. Now she's going to team up with Deathstroke to save him because characters in this comic book can never remember what their motives were from one page to the next.

Meanwhile Rose brings Joey to meet somebody who can help him control his mental powers.

How come everybody calls Joey "Jericho" and Ravager "Rose"? You'd think they'd stay consistent with code names and secret identities. Oh wait. I forgot that Tony S. Daniel doesn't actually know that Jericho's real name is Joseph.

Opossum zaps Joey with the same thing he zapped Slade with in Issue #1 where Joey loses all control of his faculties and begins bleeding out of every visible orifice. And probably the other ones too but let's not think about that, okay? Sorry I even brought it up. Rose attacks Opossum but he blows up into several pieces before she can hack him up into even severaller pieces. Opossum was murdered by Bronze Tiger, Cheshire, and Odysseus's five best followers.

Whoops! I take it back. Oposssum was killed by Odysseus himself. And that must be Cheshire's granddaughter!

I guess Odysseus ultimately didn't trust Cheshire to lead this mission and decided to come himself. He also might have had to come because all of his followers killed each other when they were supposed to determine the five best. It's probably hard to stop at five survivors when you're desperately trying to stay alive.

Deathstroke didn't kill anybody this issue so his Lifetime Kill Count remains at 934.

Deathstroke #5 Rating: No change. This is a decently enjoyable comic book hampered by Tony S. Daniel's lazy writing. He just seems to be filling pages without actively remembering the things he's previously written as he goes along. He wants Deathstroke to fight Batman because that's something fans will love but it doesn't really make much sense. Batman was only there because of a tip from Harley but he gets embroiled in a battle that can easily lead to his death anyway. Why even engage in that confrontation when he can just tail Deathstroke to see what he's up to, especially when his lead came from Harley Quinn? And why is Odysseus now in Gotham when he was sending a team lead by Cheshire last issue? I suppose I have to allow for Harley's changes in motivation since she's a whimsical little pixie murderer. That's supposed to be ambiguous! Anyway, this comic book is doing what you'd expect from a Deathstroke comic book and I'm sure most people, sitting and reading it quickly, don't give a shit about the inconsistencies. Good for you! Enjoy!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39

How does Starfire's top even work? How does it stay in place? Super glue?

I don't really get Writer's Block so much as Turning Whatever Word or Phrase Pops Into My Head Into A Version of The Spider-Man Cartoon Theme Song Block. So I'll begin a commentary and just start typing something "Writer's Block! Writer's Block! Does whatever a Writer's Block does! Turns your stories into shite then makes you write about what to write! Look out! Here comes the Writer's Block!" Since I wanted to be Spider-Man back when I was a little tyke, I'm willing to guess about fifteen percent of my life has been me turning things into the Spider-man song. Possibly the only time I've ever felt a connection to Homer Simpson was when he sang the Spider-Pig song. Aside from his desire to fuck doughnuts, of course.

If you've been reading my commentaries for some length of time (masochists!), you'll have encountered a few of my versions of the theme song. Mostly I'm able to keep them bottled up. Nobody wants to read a new version of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song two or three times a day.

It's also difficult to say you have Writer's Block when you're just typing up snarky comments about the comic book you're currently reading. I definitely run the gamut concerning my desire to be writing about a comic book. So sometimes you'll get a half-assed synopsis of Batman and Superman's trip to Kandor because I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering on the Xbox while other times you'll get a lovingly worded and fondly written Batgirl diary entry crafted across two to three hours. Sometimes the reviews are a labor and sometimes they're a labor of love. Sometimes I just need to get another comic book off the stack, and other times I'm thoroughly invested in the story and excited by the characters.

Mostly though, I'm just avoiding thinking about death.

Believe it or not, that last sentence was a joke! I like to keep the mood of my commentaries light and whimsical with just a hint of rotting in the grave!

Oh shit! I distracted myself so well with the previous Spider-Man bit that I forgot I was about to read a Scott Lobdell comic book until I picked it up and opened it to this:

Not quite Lobdelled in my traditional definition of "Lobdelling a comic book," but close enough for my tastes.

I wonder if Jason Todd knows that Batman once had to wage the same battle against Venom? Way back before Bane was even a sperm clot in Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench's throats. Apparently that story was by Denny O'Neil (the creator of Venom (the drug, not the alien symbiote!)). I guess Replacement Batman's use of Venom over in World's End is a callback to that story. Although it hadn't occurred to me before this because Replacement Batman had been using Miraclo in Earth-2 and only switched over to Venom while in World's End. I guess because Val-el or Power Girl or The Huntress or somebody destroyed his supply of Miraclo because it was an addictive drug. But then nobody seemed to give a shit when he upped his prescription to Venom.

Now Jason Todd had to struggle with using Venom because why wouldn't he use a drug to enhance his normal capabilities? I mean, he's a teenager, right? And Scott Lobdell knows all about the lives of teenagers! That's why Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire's lives are filled with relationship drama and battles against illicit substances and bitter resentment towards adults.

Also, teenagers love to parody misquotes from movies nearly seventy years old.

Granted, that near quote of the line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre has just become one of those quotes that has a full and vibrant life outside of its original source. So I'm sure if you ask Roy where the quote is from, he'll say he heard it from some modern movie or television show.

Fun Fact: I never knew where the abridged version of the quote was from until just now when I asked Lord Google about the quote so I could find a list of modern movies and television shows where it's appeared. Princess Wikipedia states that the more popular, shortened version of the line comes from The Monkees. So when I was a kid watching that show in syndication (I can still hear Mickey Dolenz saying it!), I may have learned the line from there and, like Roy here, gone around quoting it without realizing it was from a thirty plus year old movie. So I guess teenagers do love to parody quotes from ancient sources! They just probably think that the quote comes from whatever source they heard it from first and then argue with anybody who tells them differently. I know I would have!

Princess Wikipedia also has this to say about the line: "In a 1983 episode of TV series Wizards and Warriors, the character Marko (played by Walter Olkewicz) delivers a spoof of the line as 'Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers'." I loved that show as a swords and sorcery, Dungeons and Dragons, mythology obsessed twelve year old! I know, I was totally not like any other twelve year old, right?! Princess Wikipedia says she needs a citation for that quote. I should get her the citation since I have that series burned to DVD! I'll find the scene where Jacques Renault says it! But later. I'm busy reading another fantastic Scott Lobdell comic book right now.

What does that mean?! Is that a compliment? "I don't need an illicit substance that will eventually consume my every waking thought and send my life spiraling out of control. I've got you!"

Meanwhile in the jungle, Blackfire and Starfire have a normal sisterly interaction.

Blackfire: "I'm so glad I traveled across the universe and found you tied to a tree so I can kill you!"
Starfire: "What? No! Don't!"
Blackfire: "I am so excited to get to kill you after whatever it is you did recently to make me mad at you again even though I thought we were getting along and shit."
Starfire: "Why am I not dead yet?"
Blackfire: "God, if I wasn't able to kill you myself, I don't know what I'd do! It's like the only thing that's been keeping me going for like the last ten hours or something."
Starfire: "Um, you don't really want to kill me, do you?"
Blackfire: "I'm just savoring the moment! It's not like you're going to be rescued way out here in the middle of this jungle! I have time to enjoy the arousal brought on by a job well done nearly completed!"
Starfire: "Um, hey, weren't you busy being a Queen or something?"
Blackfire: "Oh yeah! That's a long story that I probably have time to tell and then still kill you after! Let me tell it to you!"
Starfire: "What's that sound?"
Blackfire: "Oh! Get down even lower than you already are lying on the ground in chains! It is a patrol of Citadel monsters that I am running from and why I have come to get help from you!"
Starfire: "Wait. What? Is fucking Helspont behind the way you're acting?"

I guess Blackfire has to keep up the appearance that she wants Starfire dead because she's being observed by Helspont but his ability to observe her only works occasionally which allows Blackfire to tell Starfire why she really sought her out after claiming to want to kill her? Or Scott Lobdell is doing that thing where one comic book ends one way and then he begins the next one another way because he either can't remember where he meant for the story to go or he just thought up a new plot point that works better than the vague, bullshit he'd been planning earlier?

Manufactured indignation! Faux outrage! Increased drama! Characterization!

Immediately after this, Crux's ship is hit by a missile and blows up. I guess the monkeys in this jungle have some serious feces throwing technology. Crux manages to pull Roy Harper from the explosion but not Red Hood, so I guess he's dead. Crux also gets shot while flying Roy to safety, so I guess he's dead too.

If you're one of those people who refuse to look at the cover of their comic books to avoid spoilers, you'd be surprised to find that Rose Wilson is the one behind the attack. She's trying to kill the Red Hood which completely explains why she's in this jungle waiting for him.

Jason Todd and Rose Wilson's initial conversation goes like this:

Jason Todd: "Hey, Rose. Love that mask."
Rose Wilson: "Yeah. I'd considered a heart tattoo that said 'Jason' with an axe hacking it in two."

I know I usually make up those dialogues but that was the actual dialogue this time. It was split up across two pages so scanning it was a problem. But it's such a horrible interaction that I thought it needed to be documented here in this Anti-Lobdell safe-zone. So Rose's response to her mask is to tell Jason that he broke her heart and that she figured a mask was better than a horrible face tattoo. I suppose that's what passes for snarky, hilarious banter in a Scott Lobdell comic book. Also, Rose and Jason were an item?

Whether it's Superboy and Wonder Girl, Cheshire and Arsenal, or Rose Wilson and Jason Todd, apparently Scott Lobdell is incapable of writing a fight scene between a male and a female without making them flirt awkwardly. "Oh! Oh! I want to kill you! Or fuck you!" "Eww, you make me so angry! But you're so cute!" "It's too bad I have to cut your dick off instead of putting it inside of me!"

Meanwhile, Blackfire takes off some of her clothes which seems almost impossible for her to still be wearing anything after stating she took off some clothes. I guess she needed to compete with her sister's male gaze. Half of the ink now being used on the Starfire/Blackfire scenes is orange and is being used on boobies.

Starfire and Blackfire bond and not a word is said about how Blackfire threatened to kill her. I guess that was just the kind of hyperbole a sister uses when she finds her sibling tied to a tree in a jungle whacked out on Space Crank. Blackfire tells Starfire to take it easy while she heads out to run an errand.

"Just let me put even less clothing on than I'm currently wearing first. Be back in a jiff!"

Double meanwhile, Rose Wilson joins up with Red Hood, Arsenal, and Crux for some reason. It's not like she just tried to murder them and then hunted around the wreckage hoping to find gory evidence of that murder or anything. She was just teasing! Also, her job wasn't to kill Jason Todd as we saw in a previous panel. They're just a distraction. Her real job must involve killing Tamaraneans! Or Citadelians? Or monkeys?

Turns out Rose is definitely hunting Starfire (again, only a surprise to the people that got the Harley Quinn variant cover) because Starfire has made a lot of enemies buying drugs from them recently.

Wrong. Your conversation about how long the fight would last was three seconds. I hate to side with Jason Todd but you're wrong, Roy Harper. Although I do love to side against Roy Harper!

I know for an artist it's always more visibly stimulating to have two antagonists rush each other with fists cocked. But Rose has a sword which she's deadly with so why didn't she pull it out? And Starfire shoots bolts of energy so why didn't she just remain hovering out of Rose's reach while burning her face off? I think these two women just wanted to touch. And they probably did it for the males watching!

Much quicker than usual, everybody realizes they're basically on the same side and nobody is using drugs anymore. That's because the trend at DC Comics is for happy and whimsical with less grim and gritty angst. Now instead of everybody battling their inner demons, it's time to battle the outer demons congregating in the jungle making Space Crank! I wonder if Blackfire is behind it all, the traitorous wench!

Oh yeah. And Helspont. Blackfire and Helspont are behind it all!

It's not overly done or anything to have a character say that it can't get any worse. And I bet it won't feel overdone next month when Jason Hood says to Roy, "You just had to say it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?"

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39 Rating: No change. This issue was just as poorly done as I expect it to be but at least it's coherent. Kind of. I mean, the whole Blackfire/Starfire exchange was weird. And that part where Rose blows up Red Hood's ship and tries to kill him even though she loves him was odd. And the fact that they all decide to work together didn't make much sense. And a lot of the dialogue was terrible. And the weird about-face Lobdell decided to do with his drug plots was enjoyably amateurish. Although the Helspont reveal on the last page was original and well written! No? Hmm, maybe this wasn't as coherent or as well put together as I'd thought. Oh well!

Deathstroke #4

Harley is as big as one of Deathstroke's legs! Happy to see Tony S. Daniel is continuing to pursue the realistic route in his art.

Oh my god! Look at all the smoke and blood and weapons! I am so excited to read this comic book! You guys have no idea how many boners are going on in my office right now! Unless you understand human anatomy and then you might be able to make a fairly educated guess.

The issue begins in Russia in Red Fury's cozy safe house where he's brought Bronze Tiger and Slade Wilson to talk about the killing of Odysseus. Wouldn't it be great if Tony S. Daniel kept this story arc going for twenty years?! I don't know if I'd still be alive to finish it. I hope they have spinner racks in hell!

Bronze Tiger is currently being mind-controlled by Red Fury. But instead of just saying, "Dude, I can control people's minds!", for an explanation, he says, "Dude, I fucking manipulated his temporal lobe which is associated with perception, memory, speech, and auditory stimuli. Ain't no motherfucker gonna say Tony S. Daniel don't fuckin' do no research on his books!"

I think Slade shits himself in that middle panel.

So I've already read one page and no Harley Quinn. Come on! Why do you think people bought this issue?!

Bronze Tiger begins freaking out and screaming at Slade to kill her. Slade is all, "Her who? I don't see any 'her' here? Just me and Red Fury and I know I'm not a her because I looked at my junk in issue #2." Then Slade is all "Oh! Hey!" and jabs some of that truth serum into Red Fury's shoulder. Oh wait, I'm giving him too much credit. He does that just because he's curious. He doesn't realize Red Fury is the woman until he tears her shirt off and gets a peak at her lacy bra.

This is the panel immediately following the panel where Slade tears her top and reveals her boobs. "Well, since you've seen my tits, I guess I don't need to hide my face anymore!"

After Deathstork Deathstroke stabbed Red Fury with the serum, she said, "You've forced my hand, Slade. I'm sorry I have to hurt you." Then she attacked him with flaming blades. But as soon as he ripped her shirt and got a peak at her bosoms, she stopped attacking him. I guess that's her weakness?

Red Fury's real name is Kendal which is kind of weird since that's the name of the Non-Certified Spouse. She works for the Dead Bastards which, again, is weird because samesies again! As Kendal begins to spill all of her beans right into Slade's brain, the room suddenly fills up with Dead Bastards. Some guy named the Spanish Inquisitor that nobody expected shows up. Angelica turns back up alive and ready to jam Slade's new, young cock straight up her anal sphincter. Then I-Ching arrives and goes, "You owe me for the Rug Doctor rental. Fucking brains all over my new carpet, you prick."

Angelica can't stand looking twenty years old and asks I-Ching to do to her what he did to Slade to make him young because she looks like a fucking hag amongst all the fourteen year old girls Daniel loves to draw. But I-Ching is all, "Let me do a quick casting for you. The Hexagram says, 'Try again later.'"

I just did a virtual casting of the I-Ching and asked, "Will I become legendary?" My casting came up with Hexagram Fifteen, Chi'en/Modesty. "The Mountain does not overshadow the Plain surrounding it: Such modest consideration in a Superior Person creates a channel through which excess flows to the needy." See? "Superior Person!" I'll take that as a yes!

It's odd that the Spanish Inquisitor chose to use "suppressors" instead of "oppressors." But then, maybe he's being very specific about his word choice. Contrariwise, perhaps Tony S. Daniel is just a clumsy writer.

Slade's reaction to learning that The Dead Bastards want him to kill his father to keep this power out of the hands of all governments is to say, "There's got to be another way. You want me to kill my own father." You mean like you thought you had already done just for the erection it gave you last issue? The guy you hate so much you wanted to kill? Now it's going to be an issue because other people want him dead as well? Remember what I said about some guy being a clumsy writer a few sentences ago?

Slade, of course, says that he never would have agreed to killing his own father if not for the way his brain was fucked with. You do know, Tony S. Daniel, that all I have to do is pick up Issue #2 and reread it to know you're just changing shit on the fly to agree with the current plot you're writing, right? Or am I supposed to have forgotten how Slade was thoroughly excited to be murdering his own father since that was two whole months ago? And anything that sort of contradicts itself can just be edited when the trade comes out, right?

I can't wait until Tony S. Daniel loses the job on this title and another writer comes in and makes Slade old again!

Meanwhile somewhere else in the world that Tony S. Daniel doesn't feel like researching so he just labels it "Elsewhere," Odysseus manipulates Lady Shiva's temporal lobe which is associated with perception, memory, speech, and auditory stimuli. Which is why she pledges her loyalty and the loyalty of the League of Assassins to him. Oh boy, Ra's is going to be fucking pissed!

Bronze Tiger arrives to tell Lady Shiva that Jericho is in Gotham and that maybe they should all go to Gotham to catch him. He throws out a second plan where maybe they don't set foot into Gotham because he doesn't want to get humiliated by The Batman so maybe they just watch all the bridges and pick up Jericho when he's leaving?

Last issue ended with Slade finding out Jericho was in Gotham and getting ready to head out. But now it's been ten pages and Slade still isn't in Gotham even though Harley Quinn is right there on the cover making all of the Harley Fans ruin their underwear. I think Tony S. Daniel was inspired to add more twists to the story before sending Deathstroke to Gotham between writing the scripts for Issue #3 and Issue #4.

Tony Daniel: "So Deathstroke will board a plane to America but first he has to get a new passport since his old passport has the face of an old, half-blind man on it. Maybe I could do a double splash page of him waiting in line for his passport photo in an old Russian camera store full of old VHS recorders and Polaroids! Then finally he sits down to get his photo taken and the guy takes the picture before he's ready, so he kills him and all eighteen other creatures in the store, most of them wild, hungry dogs. No, no. That might be too boring. Oh! What if I make Red Fury a woman?! Holy shit! Then I could draw her tits and I'll actually be interested in drawing her when her mask comes off! And maybe she'll be working with a group of characters that we've already seen so I can just look at my old drawings from Issue #1 when I draw them! And they'll be called the Dead Bastards because that sounds cool, right? I guess I can push the Harley stuff back to the end of the issue even though it's too late to change the cover. Hmm, I wonder if I sent those photos I took of the young girls at the mall to David Finch yet?"

Tony S. Daniel did think about the passport problem as well since Bronze Tiger mentions Slade will be taking "undocumented transport" to Gotham. Then Odysseus and Lady Shiva think, "How did this guy kill Deathstroke and get information out of him when he's just this minor B-list kung fu guy?" So Odysseus looks deep into his soul which is a lot like a prostate exam. He discovers Bronze Tiger isn't lying (or at least doesn't know he's lying! *wink wink* (I probably shouldn't wink since that's an ableist privilege that characters with one eye, like Odysseus, can't engage in without explaining that they were winking and not blinking)) and decides to send Bronze Tiger, Lady Shiva, and five of his "best-suited followers" to Gotham.

Really? There's no other way to determine your best followers? Maybe an obstacle course? I bet the last five standing are fifteen year old girls!

Oh! Since the action is moving to Gotham, maybe Tony S. Daniel will be the first person since David Finch created the White Rabbit to actually use her in a story arc instead of just sticking her in background shots of multiple Gotham villains! She's the type of character he loves to draw!

Finally the action moves over to Gotham City where Harley Quinn continues to wait to appear in the comic book because first we need the Rose Wilson/Joey Wilson reunion! And forgive me if I begin to curse like the fabled sailors of yore because it's a fucking disaster. Once again, I'm haunted by the previous versions of New 52 Deathstroke (as well as Preboot Deathstroke too! So all you New 52 haters can join right along with this rant. You know the words!). First off, and least offensive, is Rose Wilson's new costume. She's either working with her grandfather or she idolizes him so much that her entire costume is based on the fact that he's missing his left eye. Second, she calls Joey her "little brother." So that throws some wrenches into Deathstroke's past. Is Rose actually Adeline's daughter now? Or did Deathstroke have an affair with Rose's mother while still with Adeline? If that were the case, how do Rose and Joey Jericho have such a tight bond? Maybe Tony S. Daniel will answer those questions later since he obviously doesn't give a shit about any of Deathstroke's previous history. Lastly, Rose, like her father, calls Joey "Jericho" while weeping and hugging him and promising to never let anybody hurt him ever again. I really don't think Tony Daniel knows Jericho's actual name (the name his family would most probably call him by!) is Joseph!.

Deathstroke Career Kill Count: 934 (I just thought, since he has yet to draw a weapon this issue (although he did rip a bodice!) that I'd remind myself of the kill count!)

I guess the undocumented travel report from Bronze Tiger was a lie! Also, nobody expected the Spanish Inquisitor to be gay!

And finally on page 16, Harley Quinn makes an appearance! Tony S. Daniel does his best at "silly" which isn't very good at all but what can you do? At least he draws her like she actually looks (ten years ago). Harley and Slade spend a few panels discussing the betrayal of the Suicide Squad which Harley promised Amanda on the phone last issue Slade would pay for. But then by the fourth panel of their meeting, Slade declares "that's in the past," and it's time to move on to Tony S. Daniel's story. Why should he have to deal with the mess Sean Ryan left behind after his first arc on Suicide Squad? Tony S. Daniel has funny Harley lines to write!

Harley and Slade negotiate a nonsensical deal to work together. So no money and no dead Amanda Waller but Slade will get Harley off the Squad? But she seems like she's off the squad all the time in her own title! This Harley Quinn must be a clown! I mean clone!

Harley doesn't really care about helping Deathstroke for any amount of anything. As she constantly tells him, panel after panel, she's a little bit upset about the way he betrayed the team in Russia. So she's just luring him into a trap. And a double page spread!

I hope Batman asks Deathstroke about the time Deathstroke, hopped up on Venom, dropped out of the sky onto the Batplane!

Deathstroke #4 Rating: No change. That was a pretty disappointing Harley Quinn guest appearance! She just killed time for a few pages until Batman could show up and really make this comic book some money! But was it worth pissing off all of the Harley Quinn fans with a Harley Quinn cover only to have her in about five pages of comic book? By DC's standards, probably! Not like any of them wouldn't have already been wary about a Harley appearance in a Tony S. Daniel book. But next issue is Batman versus Deathstroke! That should sell a million copies! Especially since Harley Quinn will still be in it and even Harley fans will have to admit they're going to stick around to see Harley comment on the fight! Even if Tony S. Daniel doesn't quite have her voice down. Unless he does? How should I know! I just like Harley Quinn because of her body!

Futures End: Superboy #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Got some gute news todays, feels? Not dat news bout dozens a cities burnin' all 'cross da Dusty Stretches aldough dat pobably pissin' off dem richies and dere s'porters, sees? Nah, Old Goggs gots a recortin' via messenger from upstate Old York. Promised it be from Prof, so seems he well y good, for da minute. Nah, his recortin' of a bigbig meetup in Upper Kinder Camp. Donna knowedit how he snucked in und recorted it but he findered a way, ja? Seems dese kinderen, none more den bout firteen or fourteen, sees, meets up on some nights ta tell demselfs stories round a bongfire. So tonight, as Goggs and Archivist Melville und our new friends sits jess outside a Reading City finking up our plans ta git dem Deep Stacks outta dere mit little trouble as possible, she jess gonna hit play on dis recortin' und let da world hearem a truthful recortin' of da actual res'dents of Upper Kinder Camp. Enjoys it, ja?

[Noises of scrambling, clicking, static, and mumbling before a new voice begins speaking over the crackling sound of a large fire]

Cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys, take sounds.
Shoves sounds, eat sounds, belly sounds.
Throw sounds. Catch sounds. Gobble sounds.
Take sounds, cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys.

Vroom! Vroom! [For several seconds, many voices take up the chant, whispering hoarsely, "Vroom! Vroom!" over and over until the main voice continues]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [The vroom chant stops and is replaced by screams and cries]
Scramble! Dither! Produce!
Press play! Press record!
Remembit, cheese monkeys, remembit!

[Sudden gasps followed by oohs and ahhs amidst joyful cries of "Superboy"]

Fill eyes, cheese monkeys. Gobble pictures.
Gobble sounds. Gobble whys.
Whys man, Superboy, whys man.
Whys togather none pay rent? Whys?

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Many voices begin repeating, nearly in unison, lines apparently memorized by the throng]

"Superboy never gived up we cheese monkeys. Taught we, cheese monkeys. Pretty we, cheese monkeys. Leave past behind! Leave past behind! Cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys! Leave past behind!"

[Lots of whooping and hollering. The main speaker waits patiently for the crowd to quiet down before continuing]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [More screaming and terrified yelps]
Lone! Little! Lost!
Empty souls! Empty wallets!
Not cheeses! Not monkeys!

Pay rent! A band done!
Tear ears! Whore ears! Fear ears!
Whys man, Superboy, whys man.
Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Again, many voices begin repeating, less in unison than previously, lines apparently still being learned by many in the throng]

"Finish problem! Fights alone! Others stay! Cheese monkeys stand down!"

[A chorus of plaintive "no"s come from the crowd who obviously know the ending of the story]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sk....[Squeaks and squeals of delighted terror drown out the speaker]
Cheese monkey, I, overwhelped.
Gobble hate! Gobble pain!
Sky tigers pay rent!

Whys man, Superboy, whys man!
Help cheese monkey, I!
Why cheese monkey, I?
How cheese monkey, I?!

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Once more, many voices begin repeating, enthusiastically and full of joy, lines memorized by the many in the throng]

"Cheese monkeys stand up! Cheese monkeys together! Cheese monkeys suck following orders! Stand down, pay rents!"

[Cheers and enthusiastic hooting and clapping from the crowd]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [Laughter and boos this time, possibly brought on by the body language of the speaker]
Sky tigers squabble! Sky tigers betray!
Gobble greed! Gobble desire!
Sky tigers gobble sky tigers!

Cheese monkeys win! Cheese monkeys triumph!
Whys man, Superboy, whys man?
We! Cheese monkeys! We!
Stand together! Fight together!

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make remembits! Loud! Loudly! Loudsest!

[One final time, the throng repeat memorized lines, this time yelling them, screaming them, laughing them loudly]

"Thanks Cheese monkeys! Thanks Superboy! Family all! Family! We, cheese monkeys, family! Thank you, Superboy!"

[The rest of the broadcast is several minutes of unintelligible screaming, mumbling, laughing, and yelling until the recording reaches its end with several loud clicking noises and a final, soft buzzing]

Superboy #34

The final issue! Dun nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, nuh nuh nuh, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, NUH NUH! Dun nun nun nun nun!

I sometimes wish that Europe's "Ninja" had become more popular than "Final Countdown." It's not a better song (which probably explains why it's not as well known) but it's certainly much stupider! And "Final Countdown" was not graduating from middle school any time soon itself! We're headed toward Venus?! Why are we going there?

Ninja survive! In dreams we make goo-goo eyes!
Oh!
Ninja survive! Is this a love song for some reason?!
Why is it about ninjas if it's also about love?
Do ninjas make chicks hot or is it just my gorgeous eyes?
Ninja survive! I'm Joey Tempest, dammit!
Oh!
Only one will survive! Marching on the trail of tears!

The first page of this issue makes me wish it had been canceled last month. If you thought it was funny, you're an idiot. That's just a helpful critique of your personality to enable you to gauge where you rate amongst the intelligentsia. A rating of "idiot" means you're better than the people that have ridiculously pretentious conversations over coffee drink with ridiculously high creation difficulty factors. It also means you rate slightly higher than politicians, lawyers, judges, and police because it takes less than an idiot to believe they've taken up a position of authority for "noble" reasons. Bunch of power hungry assholes is what that lot are. But a rank of "idiot" means you're slightly more annoying to be around than any kind of religious fundamentalist because I guarantee none of them are laughing at this first page of Superboy.

This page is presented in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Vision. It's a defense mechanism to keep me from having an aneurysm while I read awful dialogue.

The Green Lantern New Newsboy Legion member is far more skilled with the power ring than I'd expect from a rookie. Perhaps she knows Kilowog? She creates a bubble around all of her friends and escapes from the Evil Joke-el! They escape to a lower level where they can sit around and make a plan. I think the plan should be to have their two Superboys beat up the one bad Superboy. Plus maybe get some help from The Guardian, Rose Wilson, and Green Lantern Newsboy? Normally when I get in a gangfight and my gang has five times as many members as the other gang, I don't retreat. I press the attack and only when they slaughter most of my gang because we're not really fighters, more like dancers and lovers, then I retreat! But retreat shouldn't be the first choice in this situation. Unless that's what Sunny Sue says in her book, "The Art of War." Unlike everybody that scripts comic books and video games, I've never read the book. Although if I go by all the quotes I've seen used over and over and over again by various sources, I'd have to believe that the entirety of the text is "All war is deception."

Oh ha ha ha ha! I just can't get enough of the fat person always wanting food! Such a classic joke because it's so true! Fat people never talk about anything else!

How did this Superboy get so fat? Is there a color sun that doesn't provide strength and power for Kryptonians but instead just converts the energy into fat for later use? I bet Fat Superboy has the most potential of any Superboy here! I bet Kuder comes up with a good fart joke later because fat people fart all the time! Almost as much as they talk about eating.

I bet Mercury and Thallium "lead" up to this situation! Ah ha ha ha ha! Hey! Hey! Don't you Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Vision my dialogue, you jerko!

Some more explication takes place in lots and lots of Narration Boxes beside cartoony pictures of supposed events. Nobody needs to know any of this stuff because Superboy was ruined by Scott Lobdell a long time ago. He cannot be fixed so just cancel the comic book and bring back the clone, Conner Kent, at some point. Give him amnesia and a large cock and everything will be fine.

A big fight breaks out between Joke-el and his Legion of Superboys and Kon-el and his New Newsboy Legion plus The Ravagers. I hope they all lose.

And that's nearly exactly what happens! Jon-el grabs Joke-el and removes him from the pocket universe which returns everything to normal. Jon-el and Joke-el are erased from existence (as it should be) and Conner Kent is back where he belongs as the only Superboy in The New 52. I can't tell how big his cock is though because his crotch is hidden in shadow in his final appearance.

Superboy #34 Rating: -11 Ranking. Holy shit, it's finally over! Does DC realize how shabbily they've treated Superboy since The New 52? He was constantly involved in crossovers and rarely had any stories of his own in his own comic book. He was killed and turned into somebody else and said to have triple DNA strands and turned into Silver Surfer Junior and won Wonder Girl's heart by trying to kill her and told readers that he was a living weapon no fewer than thirty times! Oh how I've hated reading this comic book. I can't say it was worse than Ann Nocenti's Katana but seeing as how it went for thirty four issues while Katana only lasted eight, it destroyed a little more of my humanity than Katana did. I can't bring myself to retire it at any rank greater than the worst rank of The New 52, #52. Poor, poor Superboy fans. DC really did them a disservice. As Othello near the end of the fifth act, "Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh."

Superboy #33

Hey! That's Superboy! The living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E!

I liked N.O.W.H.E.R.E. when it wasn't an organization. It was just an unknown place where certain Men were from! The Doom Patrol weren't sitting around going, "I wonder what N.O.W.H.E.R.E. is up to this week?" No, Doom Patrol were always sitting around going, "Nobody likes us." And then The Men From N.O.W.H.E.R.E. would appear saying things like, "Never oscillate wantonly! Hop energetically! Rotate elusively!" Then Rebis would be all, "I got my penis in my vagina!" And Crazy Jane would be all, "Cliff, fuck me!" And Dorothy would be all, "Does anybody have any pads?! The Candleman is coming!" And then Cliff would probably shout, "What the hell is going on in this comic book?!"

But N.O.W.H.E.R.E. no longer has any weird men. It just has Ravagers and Harvest. They're far more confusing than those other guys.

That's not a fair description of The New Newsboy Legion. There weren't any black cast members in Beverly Hills, 90210.

Before I get "actually'd" by everybody, Leash was talking about the original show with Shannon Doherty and not the recent show that was simply called 90210. How do I know? Well, I read the following panels that I didn't scan which make it clear that he meant the older show. It also meant that he was put into stasis by Harvest in 1997 which really throws a spanner into the continuity works! But I'm not interested in dredging up the past with this comic book! I'm carefully remaining within the continuity confines of Aaron Kuder's run of this series. It's the only way I can stay sane reading The New 52 Superboy. When it comes to his origin and his past, there's one simple rule: ignore, ignore, ignore!

Inside the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility which Hammersmith and Leash were lucky to be thrown out of, Superboy has become dozens of Superboys because he touched himself. Is that what happens to people on Krypton when they masturbate? No wonder they had such a huge problem with clones!

Jon-el and Kon-el have been kicked out of the universe for engaging in aberrant behavior. But now they have time to explain what's going on with lots and lots and lots of words! More words than you can imagine being in a comic book! Nope! You're not imagining enough! Even more than that!

There were just as many words on the previous page. It takes a lot of explaining to straighten out Superboy's New 52 history!

This is what happens when you let Scott Lobdell write a character unedited for too long! It's like he's sharfed (shit/barfed) all over the party. Now Aaron Kuder has been sent in to clean it all up while Lobdell does unspeakable things to Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire. Those poor characters.

Superboy and Superboy soon find themselves battling Superboy for control of Superboy's body. Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, and the New Newsboy Legion stand around watching the body of Superboy grow three heads and scream a lot. Then there's an explosion and the three main Superboy's separate, leaving everybody unconscious (or very nearly so) except for mean Superboy who laughs maniacally and leaks black shit all over everything.

Superboy #33 Rating: No change. It's hard to believe that this story is helping to clear up Superboy's past so that DC will be left with one uncomplicated Superboy who is simply a clone of Superman. I guess things are always most confusing before the clarity! That's a saying, right? Anyway, I don't see those assholes over at C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. explaining it any better!

Superboy #32

The living weapon finally cracks!

This is a story about Superboy. Superboy was created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to be a living weapon, you know? Because the best kind of weapon is not the kind that sits there passively waiting for you to use it. No, no! That's conservative and traditional thinking! The best kind of weapon is the kind that you have no control over! The kind with emotions so that when somebody says "Guns don't kill people. Living weapons kill people," they're more accurate than that other stupid version of the statement. Who wants a gun that can't kill people?! What a useless object! That's why you need a living gun that can get pissed off all by itself and do the killing all by itself so that all those pinko lefties will finally be right when they say guns kill people!

If I had a living weapon, I'd probably take it on walks at the park and keep it off leash. Then when it ran up to people, I'd say, "It's okay! He's harmless!" And they'd be forced to uncomfortably smile and pretend they didn't hate my fucking guts for allowing my living weapon to shove its muzzle right in their crotch. Then if my living weapon ever did kill someone, I'll justify it by saying that my living weapon was always loving and had never harmed anybody ever so it must have sensed that the person it killed was a horrible person and probably the next Hitler. I'll blame the victim for all of my troubles and resent them for getting my living weapon euthanized. Afterward, maybe I'll start up some kind of cultural campaign trying to explain how living weapons aren't dangerous at all! I'll show pictures of a baby curled up with a living weapon and say, "See? That baby isn't dead! Living weapons are never dangerous!" I'll ignore the fact that a living weapon has a mind of its own and can go off for any reason and at any time simply because I love living weapons so much! And nobody will ever convince me that a person hurt by a living weapon wasn't asking for it or else why would the living weapon have hurt them, hunh? Answer that!

Superboy begins with a scene that's intensely insensitive to quadruple amputees and the decapitated.

As you can see, Aaron Kuder honed his writing chops on the elementary school playground. Next up, he'll place Parasite in various situations and wind up calling him Bob and Art as well as Matt. He'll probably follow all of that up with a rhyme about pee in Coke and a ditty about where milk, lemonade, and fudge come from. Then he'll finish up with a few facts about gross things and things that might be grosser than those already gross things.

Superboy has suddenly come into telepathic contact with the other Superboy. That Superboy was lost in time while destroying Krypton but apparently he's back in the Now of the DC Universe and being kept in a stasis pod by Harvest. It makes sense if you don't give a shit about anything that has happened to Superboy in The New 52 prior to Aaron Kuder taking the helm. I highly suggest not giving a shit about that past stuff because, so far, Aaron Kuder's work on Superboy has been the best of the series (aside from Justin Jordan's run that was cut short due to interference with a Lobdell story). Superboy hasn't really had a chance to be in a story that was just his story and contained within the pages of his comic book. Kuder is finally giving him that chance so I'm going to ignore all of the past history of this poor kid. For now, all I need to know is there are two versions of Superboy in the present due to time-shenanigans and they must merge with each other to survive.

Superboy and the New Newsboy Legion head off to save Kon-el who's being held in a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility in the Arctic. Or the Antarctic. Or at the Harvest School for the Gifted in some desert in Africa or something. Fuck if I know! See what happens when I try to make sense of Superboy's past?! I'm instantly confused! So let me start over relying only on Aaron Kuder's work.

Superboy and the New Newsboy Legion head off north to Alaska to save Kon-el who's being held in a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility. On the way there, Niti kisses him and then shows him her ass while making eye contact. That's like the universal sign for human presenting! Unless she's not making eye contact when she shows him her ass and looks back over her head. She might be looking to see if there is any movement in the crotch area since he's wearing that skin tight outfit.

I'm guessing there is a lot of movement in the crotch area.

In the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility currently being approached by the New Newsboy Legion, Rose Wilson, Hammersmith, and Leash are all thawed so they can defend the facility and keep Kon-el for themselves. Remember that thing I said about previous history not existing? I'm really resisting commenting on it right now! For all I know, this is the first appearance of Rose Wilson. And if you want to remain sane, you'd join me in my ignorance.

As Superboy and his friends arrive to battle some Ravagers, Aaron Kuder puts a few typos into the script in honor of Howard Mackie. It's really touching. I hope when DC unfreezes Howard Mackie because they're desperate for another writer to fill some quotas, they show him this homage to him. If I were Aaron Kuder, I would have also added about twenty extraneous punctuation marks as well as the typos.

And then there's the big fight scene. The fight scene is usually where I take a break from describing the action to talk about other things going on in my life. But nothing is going on in my life. So let's get back to the action!

If only Dave Sim were here to over-explain the injury to the eye motif!

I have to say, after seeing Superboy get his vile jelly stabbed out, I'm ready to petition Congress for another go at the Comic Book Code Authority! Ghastly! Just look at the eyeball flopping off into the distance! I can't believe teenagers are allowed to read this! Shouldn't they be studying and promising their purity to Jesus?

I don't really know much about Superboy's levels of invulnerability, so I'm just going to have to believe Rose has a sword that can easily enough lop out Superboy's eyeball. Plus Superboy's powers have been wonky from all the time travel and from battling parasite and from his genetic defect that is killing him, so it's easy enough to think this could happen to Superboy whereas it would never happen to Superman.

Superboy knocks out Rose and kills Hammersmith and Leash. Okay, maybe he doesn't kill them. But he does throw them on a trajectory that crashes them through a solid fortress's outer walls and off into space. Or maybe just miles away into the harsh environment of Alaska. So while he might not have killed them, he certainly didn't try to not kill them. Then again, if I were to remember Joke-el's pre-Kuder history, I might remember he's murdered plenty of people already so these two hardly count at all.

Superboy continues on to find Superboy on his own. When he finds him, he realizes it isn't Kon-el at all but an alternate version of himself. He reaches out to merge with himself and then everything explodes.

Or multiplies. Or something. "Malkovich Malkovich!" "Superboy! Super! Boy! Superboy!" "Pika pi!"

Superboy #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't help but rate this comic book on a curve. After all the confusing shit the character of Superboy has been put through, it's nice to see him star in a fucking story of his own. Even if he's still locked to the crappy baggage from the first two and a half years of The New 52. It looks like Aaron Kuder is going to put all of that history to rest and finish this comic book off with Superboy ready for a new start. Thank Christ. Seriously, thank you, Jesus Christ. This is a miracle that only you could have accomplished which is why I now accept you as my Lord and Saviour. With a "U"!