The Omega Men #11

There are plenty of reasons why this comic book is so much better than most of its competition. Turning the Green Lantern symbol into the Omega symbol is simply not ignoring the balls.

The Review!
Super hero comic books too often wind up not being about anything except super hero comic books. So now we get stories deconstructing the ideals and myths which were commonly excepted tropes for decades. How would people actually react to a world full of super powered people? What if the super heroes weren't infallible and could be corrupted by their own power? What steps would the government take to control the perceived menace? If we're not getting stories about the negative reaction people would have to the super heroes, we constantly get the story where the heroes teach regular people that they're the actual heroes. Everybody is actually Batman! Everyone is actually Superman! We are in control of our own lives and thank you, super heroes, for giving us that message! It's exhausting! Although not in an intellectually exhausting manner! The stories are never subtle about who is in the right and who is totally fucking wrong. Although sometimes I think Superman is being a complete and utter dick but the story is hitting me over the head with some stupid fucking message about how he's doing the right thing even though he obviously isn't. So maybe I'm just tired of writers who can't write complex stories without having to explain them in long-winded narration boxes that often contradict the actions of the character. Maybe I'm just tired of being told, by the writer and the first person narration of the main character, how I'm supposed to feel and the conclusions I'm supposed to draw.

Sometimes I just want to read a book that can't fucking decide if the hero is inspiring or terrible! I want a book that lets me decide who to support! Although, to be fair, putting "The Omega Men" right on the cover kind of makes me think I'm supposed to agree with their view of the universe. And who is actually reading this book and siding with The Citadel anyway (you know, since politicians and CEOs probably aren't reading it)? So maybe this is a bad example of a comic book with an ambiguous message that doesn't offer any easy answers. This book hasn't really tried to be subtle about the black eye it's intending to give America's foreign policy and America's kowtowing to corporate interests. Maybe I should have begun with an off-topic thought like usual.

Is it bad that I drive around in Grand Theft Auto laughing hysterically as I run people over or would it be worse if I were totally stoic and serious about it?!

This month, The Omega Men gather an army and march into the Citadel's headquarters. That's pretty much the summation of the entire issue. Trying to summarize something so well put together and make stupid dick jokes about it would be an insult to the work. The meat of the story is how the characters go about convincing each world to join the war against the Citadel. The actual action, the war, the battles...they're all skimmed past in a few pages detailing half an Earth year's worth of conflict. Some writers would have made a huge mistake and swapped those ratios and concentrated on huge double splash pages of heroic battle and stupid one liners. I don't know if Tom King would have spent longer on the war if given more than twelve issues of The Omega Men. Whatever the case, it's better this way. Sometimes writers are tempted to fill pages with nonsense or simple action because they have no actual deadline for a story. In fact, it's the exact opposite where the writer knows that the comic just keeps going and going, so why not pad the story as much as possible to fill up as many pages as possible to extend one story for as many issues as possible? I really wouldn't mind if all of DC's comics simply became four, six, or twelve issue mini-series! Because then the writer would be forced to pitch an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end with a fucking reason for existing. Until then, we'll just keep getting pitches for stories for things like "Superman battles the most powerful intergalactic monster he's met to date for five issues until he finally wins in the last issue through sheer force of willpower and heart!"

The Omega Men #5

In DC Comics' 1985 version of Who's Who, all of the Omega Men are listed as having the occupation of "freedom fighter." That's just a liberal, candy-ass way of saying terrorist! How dare 1985 DC explicitly tell me which side of the conflict I should be on by labeling them as freedom fighters. They're terrorists now and they were terrorists back then and I'm going to believe The Citadel is trying their best to keep the citizens of all the worlds under their protection safe! From what I've read, I can't see any reason to side with a bunch of violent maniacs and flagrant rules violators like The Omega Men! I suppose I could take Starfire's account of The Citadel into my decision of which side to root for but how reliable can her opinion be when she was completely hopped up on drugs?! I hope this is the issue where those Omega Men get what's coming to them! And by that I mean bullets! Lots and lots of bullets!

The Omega Men are currently on Changralyn, Broot's home planet, to return Kalista to her father in exchange for a cube of chocolate. Unless it's a valuable artifact or a key or a puzzle cube. The people on Broot's home planet hate him as much as the Jewish people hated Jesus. That'll happen when you're brutally honest with people's beliefs. They get all bent out of shape and call you arrogant and get pissed at you for climbing up in the pulpit and interrupting the priest's sermon by pointing out how God doesn't actually exist and they throw you out of church and call the police to arrest you for trespassing. Totally unfair.

The cube of chocolate holds within it the Key of Alpha. It's the key to salvation! It's a magic key that allows the bearer a free pass into heaven no matter how many sins they've committed. It's also, apparently, a sham. Hidden inside an unbreakable piece of chocolate, it gives believers something to believe in. It allows them to masturbate frequently while still believing that someday before they die, they'll break that piece of chocolate, take the key, and walk right into heaven with their dicks in their hands! When Omega sees that key, all he'll be able to do is roll his eyes because he'll also see the Key of Alpha dangling from a Prince Albert. Boom! In your face, eternal justice!

Oh, sorry! The chocolate was just payment to attempt the breaking of the stone! The Omega Men couldn't afford the price so they kidnapped Kalista to get her dad to pay it. I totally knew what was going on the whole time like a reasonably intelligent person!

Broot beats at the rock for hours when Doc, in orbit around the planet Changralyn, reports that The Citadel Army has not arrived at the planet. No, they were already on the planet waiting to ambush the Omega Men. That probably means if any dung is left after throwing it at Broot on his way in, it's going to hit the fan. Doc's advice is that they hurry up and finish the ceremony so that everybody can leave while still breathing. The only problem is Broot is having a tough time breaking the unbreakable rock with his bare fists. Wussy.

Broot finally falls to his hands and knees, defeated. But his dad, the Pontifex of Changralyn, decides he proved himself enough to get his old name back and to be forgiven and to be welcomed back home. It sounds like that was part of the deal to trap the Omega Men in the temple. Sort of how Lando Calrissian sold Han Solo to the Empire in exchange for keeping his city. It seems to me that deal didn't work out so well for Lando. I bet the Pontifex winds up fucked too!

Time for the bomb to do its duty!

The Pontifex explains to Broot how the rock is a total trick to keep himself in money, power, and super hot rock pussy. Unless he's into little gravel peens? Whatever. He tells Broot the church is corrupt. But I bet Broot still believes! And he's going to break that fucking rock the church was built on and tear it all fucking down around them!

Which, you know, he totally does. He gives the rock one last smash and discovers the key. It's a little squashed version of the Jesus fish. Or the letter "R". Or an Egyptian eyeball. Whatever it is exactly, The Pontifex wants it! It proves everything! Or something. I don't know. I doubt it's worth much to the Pontifex when all the other people in the temple saw Broot uncover it. Although with all of his newly bribed treasure, he can have them all killed!

Broot tosses the Key of Alpha and Tigorr tosses Scrapps so that she can catch it and break through a window and escape the temple. The rest of the Omega Men are all about to die and Scrapps herself might not survive the fall. It looks like the omega for the freedom fighters! I mean terrorists!

Fuck yeah.

The Omega Men #5 Rating: No change. Spirituality is a single person's experience of the divine. Religion is other people's faith in that one person's experience. I suppose in this case, the initial experience that was the catalyst for the Church of the Omega was based in some kind of fact because Broot just proved at least one piece of the church's religious dogma true by finding the Key of Alpha. Finding the key could break the church since the Pontifex was not a believer and now he must question his place in things now that the religion he used for his own benefit was proven to be true. Even if Broot had not found the Key, it would have meant the destruction of the church. What I've learned is that if you're going to base a major part of your religion on an unbreakable rock, make sure that fucking thing is really unbreakable! And for all those people taking their religion second hand? You're being fucking used. Make up your own mind on the interpretation of your religious texts. Read The Bible yourself. Or the Quran. But not the Book of Mormon. Jesus Christ, please don't read that one.

The Omega Men #4

Imagine that. A fantastic comic book with gorgeous covers to match.

This comic book isn't real, right? I'm completely dreaming it, aren't I? Who designs these beautiful travel poster covers?! Trevor Hutchison? Mister Twitter, please tell him how much he rocks. Thank you.

This issue has a guest artist so I might be slightly disappointed. But I have to imagine that this comic book will disappoint me more than most of the others at some point simply because I look forward to it so much. I hope those horrible Omega Men get what they deserve this issue. Terrorist jerkos! Don't they know they're upsetting the status quo by rocking the boat like they do?

This issue begins with Kyle Rayner and Princess Kalista discussing how they can't sleep. Kyle can't sleep because he's a captive and Kalista can't sleep because she's a lying whore! You aren't a captive, Kalista! You're the leader of the Omega Men! Stop toying with Kyle Rayner's feelings! Don't you know he's a sensitive artist! I mean, he's a comic book artist anyway. How sensitive can they actually be? They draw kiddie cartoons!

It's nice to see Rayner actually acknowledge his life before Lanterning, even if he's doing it with pointy little duck lips.

Kyle Rayner tells Princess Kalista his origin story although he leaves out the part about how he had his dick in his hands when Ganthet found him. But he does admit that he wasn't anything special and only received the ring because Ganthet was drunk and horny.

Kyle also mentions he had a girlfriend but he leaves out the refrigerator. That's probably a smart move because Kalista might not know what a refrigerator is and then he'd have to describe how hard it is to fit a body in one full of racks and vegetables and expired milk. Just saying she's dead is the right choice.

Kalista begins to yawn so Kyle quickly gets to the point of this story about how he ended up in the clutches of the notoriously vile Omega Men.

Eww! They're such manipulative bastards!

Kyle is having trouble learning that you can't save everyone even though it's practically the first lesson every super hero learns. It's probably because his loved one was killed in such a horrifically comical way. You don't get over finding your dead girlfriend stuffed in among the yogurt and pickles. Especially when it was your actions that ultimately put her there. I mean, Kyle bought that jar of pickles and the Vanilla Bean Yogurt. What if he'd bought larger items? What if he'd placed some watermelons in that fridge. Then maybe Alex would still be alive, you know?

Primus and Tigorr (Primus is the public leader of the Omega Men and Tigorr is the one that eats breakfast cereal and goes into battle yelling, "GRRRRRRRRRREAT!") watch Kalista bond with Kyle via hidden camera. Kyle is the most important part of their plan to defeat The Citadel. They call him the bomb but I don't think it's because he's super sexy. I think it's because he's going to have to explode in the heart of The Citadel's capital once he gets his ring back. Hopefully before then, Kalista can convince him that to save most everybody, you have to kill a few other everybodies.

Next Kalista tells her history. She explains how she kills people every morning to become a better swordfighter, how her people believe that Alpha was the first king of their royal lineage and not a god, and how The Citadel eventually punished them for that belief. She doesn't tell him about how swollen her lady parts get around Primus or about how quickly she can bring him to orgasm. I only mention that because that's what I want to hear about.

Kalista also explains the difference between the six planets in the Vega system. I think there are actually twenty-two, at least according to the old DC Universe. But maybe only six of them matter. If Kalista doesn't mention Tamaran, I'll know she's leaving a bunch out for some reason. Probably political reasons. I bet X'hal kicked The Citadel's ass out of the region of planets around Tamaran.

Euphorix was the planet where Kalista and her people were placed. It was already inhabited but when has that ever stopped any sentient being ever? Might makes property ownership!

The conquerors of Ogyptu turned their natives into slaves but Kalista's dad was all, "Too hot!" Changalyn was a planet full of religious nuts bribed by The Citadel to keep peace and Kalista's dad was all, "Too cold!" The planet Karna is a constant battlefield between the feline natives and The Citadel because cats can't be kept in check, dammit! Kalista's dad was all, "Too some other temperature that isn't right!" Hyn'xx just let the natives free to do what they want to do which seemed to be buying, selling, and orgying. Kalista's father was all, "Too different from the way I run things on Euphorix so it must be wrong!" The final planet was Voorl. The natives put up a shield when The Citadel came and nobody has been able to enter or leave since then. Kalista's father was all, "Too impenetrable!" So they went back to Euphorix where Kalista's father said, "Now get back to killing the natives, sweetie." And so she did. And her father walked away without saying, "Just right!", and left everybody without a feeling of catharsis because the tale wasn't wrapped up symmetrically.

Kalista points out how the Omega Men suck but The Citadel sucks more and Kyle Rayner thinks, "She's vulnerable! Time to take advantage of her!" Little does he know she's just made him the vulnerable one! Ha ha! Take that, male dominated modes of thought!

I hope Earthlings aren't allergic to Primus's semen or Kyle's penis is going to fall off after he has sex with Kalista.

Kalista finishes her story by sticking her tongue in Kyle's mouth. Also, she asks him to save her. Because if he needs to save someone and he failed to save Alex then maybe he should just save her instead. Plus while he's saving her, maybe he can possibly find the time to save everybody else in the Vega system too? Oh, and don't forget about the tongue!

The Omega Men #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Can't DC Comics force their bad comic book writing employees to read this book to discover how really well constructed stories are told? I think DC Comics should have a meeting where they put all of the bad writers who I won't mention by name here into a room with a stack of Tom King comic books and say, "Do this! Do this kind of stuff right here." Then they'll have to add, "Not this exactly, Scott! Stop copying it!" And somebody will have to say, "Cullen, you and Frank are not leaving this room until you've finished the entire stack!" And maybe DC Comics will also have to say something like, "Tony, stop sketching Wonder Woman's boobs on the covers of all of the comics! Read them!" And then David will say, "Hey, Tony! Stop drawing my woman!" And then they'll get into a fist fight on the big double splash page of the comic book depicting the class. And then Tom King will be surprised to find a big bonus check on his desk and a huge contract to make an Omega Man movie and a Grayson television show. And then he'll turn to the camera and say, "You rock, Tess!", and he'll wink! Then I'll swoon and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table and die. The end!

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #1

Fuck you, Zero Hour!

I've been heavily into reading comic books for thirty years. I began reading comics on a regular monthly basis right around Issue #3 or so of Crisis on Infinite Earths. Before that I had only read comic books that wound up in my hands due to my grandfather who would go to trailer parks in the area and pick up all of the papers to take to the recycling place. He also used to pick up any other recyclable materials like cans or metal. He was an environmentalist way before it was cool. Or a meth addict. Sometimes he would wind up with a shipping box or two of comic books and give them to me. I remember reading a lot of Daredevil, Hulk, and Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD! I also began reading Elfquest in fifth or sixth grade.

I mention my history because I thought Crisis on Infinite Earths was some spectacular, once-in-a-lifetime event. If I'd known anything about the previous fifty years of DC's history, I might have noted the change from Golden Age to Silver Age but that was just a change due to the popularity of certain types of comics leading to a waning of popularity of super heroes and then, years later, their resurgence. It wasn't a conscious effort by the company to redefine their heroes' universe. So Crisis seemed pretty fucking important.

I was immediately aware of the problems which Crisis created because my cousin Jason was a big Infinity Inc. fan and boy did those characters get fucked balls deep by the event. The thing I wasn't aware of was how much DC Comics cared about fixing the fuck out of everything! For some reason, they seemed to think they could gain complete mastery over the beast they had unleashed. Zero Hour was not so much a fix as DC Comics throwing their hands up in the air and screaming, "OH MY GOD IT'S EATING MY FACE!" But before they screamed that, they really seemed to think that they could tighten every single valve whenever steam shot out of the system so that the whole thing would chug along nicely. Zero Hour proved that every fix just put added pressure on a universe ready to blow at any moment. I thought they were going to walk away from Zero Hour and just go over to Pilate's bowl of water, shove him out of the way, and scrub the fucking fuck out of their bloody, bloody hands.

But apparently they weren't done tweaking because ten years or so later, Final Crisis! See that "final" in the title there? They were convinced that, this time, they'd do it! They'd scrub the universe clean of errors and bullshit! Well, ha ha, guess what? It was still too broken for their liking. DC Comics should have learned to just ignore anybody who ever pointed out anything that didn't fit (especially their own nagging demons). But they couldn't. They just fucking couldn't. It had to be right! And so we got The New 52 which was supposed to completely and utterly fix everything by erasing all seventy years of continuity and just starting over with a bunch of Issue #1s and characters with limited histories.

How did they even fuck that one up, amirite? Forget the anger of the fans that were sad they lost characters they loved. This should have worked, right? How easy is it to just begin over? Super easy! The problem is DC Comics had no faith in what they were doing. So they kept a lot of history for most of the characters but now it all happened in a five year span. Some characters *COUGH*GREENLANTERN*COUGH* didn't even start over! They threw out the things they didn't like but kept everything else. And that was their problem. They either needed to go whole hog and just start over completely with possible new origins and directions for many of the characters or they were just going to become mired in the same old shit. Guess which they chose?

See, DC? The problem is that you can't keep Green Lantern unchanged without leaving a bunch of threads that lead back to virtually (possibly literally) all of the big events in DC's history. That means in the first five years of The New 52, you have the Death of Superman and Parallax and the destruction of Coast City and...uh oh...Zero Hour which means the revamping of the big characters which leads back to Crisis which...well, you get it all. But now it all happened in five years. FIXED! TA DA!

The preceding wasn't meant to be a history of DC Comics. It's just my reaction to it as it happened. Zero Hour taught me only one thing: DC Comics was fucking obsessed with making itself flawless. It was a sad revelation and I felt bad for pointing at laughing at them constantly.

This issue begins with Kyle Rayner visiting Hal Jordan who has been imprisoned for feeling sorry for himself.

He's also Sinestro's best friend and his worst enemy! He's a full and an empty diaper! He's caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee! He's a dick and a pussy!

Hal Jordan killed the Guardians of the Universe which also makes him a murderer and a hero! He is such an enigma! And a riddle! But he's not a knock knock joke. Kyle Rayner is the knock knock joke.

KNOCK KNOCK!
WHO'S THERE?
GAIL SIMONE'S CAREER!

That's the end of the joke. I didn't say it was a very good Knock Knock joke! But it does end with a refrigerator door being opened. The knocking must have been from a loose limb lying in an off-balance crisper drawer.

Hal Jordan gives us a synopsis of why his life is a complete train wreck and why he deserves to sit in a jail cell even though nobody on Earth has any idea who The Guardians of the Universe were. I think the murders happened out of Earth jurisdiction, Hal. You should just go kill yourself by drinking too many milkshakes. That's how I'd commit suicide.

"Plus I just really, really, really wanted to kill those arrogant fucking blue bastards!"

Hal also murdered the rest of the Green Lantern Corps which seems like a thing he probably shouldn't have done. Kyle leaves and the Metropolis Police Officer remains behind to point out to Hal that murdering in space isn't in Earth's jurisdiction and, besides, Hal was a space cop, right? Cops can kill whoever they want and they don't have to do jail time! So why is Hal throwing out the best perk of being a cop?! But Hal is all, "I murdered my friends. Wah wah wah."

Just before Planet Brainiac makes his announcement and returns Parallax to Hal Jordan's psyche, Kyle thinks about his girlfriend Alex whom he found in the fridge a year ago. At this point, DC Comics can pretty much pick and choose the events they want to keep in the cut off of the arrival of the dome and they choose to keep Alex's murder? I think what they realize is that Kyle Rayner has never developed enough character without that event! It's also possible that the other stories taking place in Pre-Zero Hour don't really make sense unless they've happened after that event but who remembers those kinds of details after all these years anyway? Besides King Beauregard, Keeper of the Histories, of course. Need to know how many different styles of sneakers Jason Todd wore over the years? He's your man!

I just wish I could remember any specifics from all those years I read comic books!

Planet Brainiac drops the handkerchief and everybody is off to the races! Especially Parallax! He's all, "That cop was very convincing. No jury would indict me! Indict. What a weird word. Why is it pronounced that way? The world must die!"

"One of these cities must have access to a universal GPS. Although the initials of such a device would probably be different! Probably UPS!"

Parallax doesn't even consider checking in at STAR Labs. I think he's just looking for an excuse to destroy another city.

Kyle chases after Parallax to talk some sense into Hal. It's time for one of those "I know you're in there!" and "Friendship will win out!" speeches!

You can't even see his eyes, asshole.

And then Kyle is blasted in the back by Lady Quark's Princess Fern's army of lightning tanks. That's convenient! Now Parallax can murder them all without any guilt! Although once all the guilt builds up, won't it cause Hal Jordan to go all Spectre-y?

Apparently Lady Quark is off battling Supergirl right now. Princess Fern is her daughter Liana. Not that any of that matters since Parallax is about to turn Electropolis into a smoking crater. But that will have to wait until next issue which will give Kyle Rayner time to get his wits about him and stop Parallax because nobody must die!

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #1 Rating: I don't really give a shit about Kyle Rayner or Parallax so this issue was the equivalent of wiping my ass after a perfect shit. It was, in the strictest sense, unnecessary but I felt compelled to read it anyway. Before this whole Convergence thing is over, I'm going to have to dig out all of my DC Comics Universe Changing Mini-series and give them a read. So far I have to read Flashpoint and Zero Hour. My guess is the third week's books (which I haven't really looked at yet) are Pre-Crisis since one of them is the original Batman and the Outsiders team. So I'll have to dig out Crisis as well. The fourth week's main city will probably take place Pre-Final Crisis but I don't own that. I think it ends in Superboy Prime punching everything in existence or something.

New Guardians #40

So many comic books ending! My tears are overflowing!

While I read New Guardians, I'm also going to be playing the Family Feud on my Applewin Apple II emulator. I figure I'll feel less sad if I'm enjoying a rousing game of guess the populist opinions!

Here's my family. We're orange because, being an Apple II, it was either that or blue or green or purple.

Speaking of orange, the first question was "Name the fruit with the best fragrance." I didn't know how to buzz in so the computer went first and guessed Strawberry. That was answer number two! And even though I don't believe it, I understand the game is about trying to think like the other automatons pretending to fit in and I guess orange! Number one answer baby! I also tried to guess "pineapple" during the round but the computer said the answer had already been given since I had already guess "apple." But then when the answers were revealed, "pineapple" was on the board! Fuckers! You're lucky I won that round anyway, Family Feud, or you'd be hearing from my game show lawyer!

Now I'm more interested in playing Family Feud than in reading about Kyle Rayner.

In the fast money round, Family Feud asked "What is the best way for a woman to defend herself?" I guessed "gun" and scored zero points. So the next time (because you get two tries. Haven't you ever seen the game show?), I guessed "scream." That was worth thirty points. I bet "whistle" would have scored big too! Probably anything that would have attracted a man's attention so that a man could come and defend the woman since she forgot to know how to use a gun.

Okay, okay! I'm reading the comic book now!

When we last saw Kyle Rayner, he was getting his ass handed to him by Oblivenom. But his friends had arrived to save the day! One of those friends was Exeter, the alien who used to guard The Source Wall's Baby Bump (which turned out to be Relic).

How is this modern visual story less exciting than a thirty year old piece of software emulating an even older game show?

Kyle and friends try to beat Oblivion into submission but it doesn't seem to be working. So Kyle suggests another tactic which seems to be exactly like the first tactic where they just try to beat it into submission. But since Kyle said they were trying something different, who am I, as a mere reader, to argue? Obviously what I'm reading is totally different now! I can't wait until they come up with the plan that will eventually defeat Oblivion. I bet it's beating him into submission!

Oh wait! I think Kyle just came up with a winning strategy!

Suicide! Hey, I'm all for this plan!

Fucking Saint Walker, Mistress of Hope, decides suicide isn't the option. He probably thinks it's never the option, the blissfully optimistic sock-faced monkey! But I think he should give it a chance this time. Maybe if Kyle hopes hard enough, he'll save the universe and return to life. See, if he dies then Oblivion dies! But Oblivion doesn't have the magic power of the White Ring to bring himself back to life.

I hope Kyle dies. See? Hope! Saint Walker should be helping bring my hopes to fruition!

Rules! Don't change them! Fuck them! Fuck them right in their snotty little didactic faces!

I hope Kyle Rayner, master of the Life Equation, realizes he can now pull that Bugs Bunny shit where he forces Diogenes Neves simply erase Oblivion from the comic book page. Then he can write his own ending where he lives forever on a world with infinite glory holes! Hmm, I don't know why I have glory holes on the brain so much today.

Kyle Rayner's plan is to split up the Life Equation across seven white rings so that no one White Lantern can utilize the equation. So instead of dying and ending the White Lanterns who are completely useless (mostly because I just claimed they are), he creates six more rings! Who does this fucker think he is? Sauron?

The white rings rush out across the universe to choose new hosts. Two of them are extremely lazy and decide that Saysoran and Exeter are good enough to join the White Lantern Corps. One ring picks a Daxam because it wants to be on some bad ass motherfucker that can be laid low by fishing tackle and paint from the seventies. One picks She-lob and the other picks some Doom Patrol dude from the Slineth Dimension. I guess one stays on Rayner and the final one is going to be a surprise for the last page. I bet it chooses some no-goodnik!

Together, the six White Lanterns beat Oblivion into submission and he disintegrates. Now all that's left is for one of the Bohemian Guardians to say, "Didn't we make seven rings?" And Kyle will be, "Oh yeah! I wonder where the seventh one went to?" And then the final page will be Real Deal Lobo going, "Feetal's Gizz, I'm gonna go frag me some bastiches!" Or something.

Kyle actually keeps the seventh ring to give to Carol in secret so that nobody can go after all seven White Lanterns and use the Life Equation for themselves. But Carol refuses it and ruins his plan. So Kyle just lets it go find some new secret member of the White Lantern Corps. It'll probably choose Real Deal Lobo.

New Guardians #40 Rating: No change. This comic book never really could figure out what it was going to be about. Eventually it settled on simply concentrating on Kyle Rayner which was far less entertaining than when it was about one member of every Lantern Corps. Although that story arc would have been more interesting if Tony Bedard had known what he was going to do with it. Maybe he did and he just couldn't get it all to come together with all of the Green Lantern cross-overs. Anyway, I'm glad another comic book with a character I really don't give a shit about is coming to an end. It was whatever!

New Guardians #39

Aside from the Green Lantern: New Guardians header, this looks like an exciting comic book!

How many assholes are rooting for Oblivion to murder Kyle Rayner? I'm sure I'm not the only person with both hands up and excitedly shouting, "Ooh! Me! Me!" You know what would be a nice ending? If Carol finds that Oblivion just stocked her refrigerator with fresh cold cuts.

Hmm, speaking of fresh cold cuts....

I, too, usually forget about my leftovers and they wind up going bad.

Kyle Rayner is having a nightmare about making out with his ex-girlfriend's reanimated corpse. At first it seemed kind of hot because she was wearing a loose skirt with no underwear and a belly shirt which exposed her belly button which was way too far down her belly for some rare medical reason. But then she started to rot in his grasp and things got decidedly less sexy from there on out.

It turns out Kyle wasn't kissing his dead girlfriend at all. He was kissing Oblivion, his evil doppelganger. Although he exists solely to destroy Kyle Rayner, so how evil can he truly be? Even Kyle, subconsciously, knows the DC Universe would be better off if he were dead. He really should hang out with John Stewart more often. That should substantially lower his chances of survival.

Kyle resists Oblivion because he just doesn't know what's best for fans of the DC Universe. Stop acting so selfishly, Kyle Rayner, and just let go! Like the poet said, "...go gentle into that good night." Your time is done, Kyle. You were simply a band-aid to cover the festering wound left by DC's decision to make Hal Jordan go insane. But since Hal Jordan is back and doing an adequate job, your role has become redundant. DC Comics is going to have to let you go. Plus, who needs a White Lantern anymore? Especially one that's a comic book artist who can rewrite the universe. I think somebody with some basic science and math skills might be better at the job. One wrong line of universal code and the whole thing will crash.

While Kyle battles Oblivion in his mind, Carol battles Oblivenom on the planet's surface. She's joined by Saysoran, the last living native of this planet.

And a bombshell! If Saysoran's boobs don't flop out of that dress during her laser battle with the all-powerful evil doppelganger of a cosmic crime-fighter, I'm going to find this comic book totally unbelievable.

Oblivion mentions that Saysoran will be the next White Lantern. That makes sense. I was wondering why her breasts were so huge and why she was so scantily clad. But if she's going to be a superheroine, it's good that she's already got the wardrobe for it.

Kyle sends the women away while he battles Oblivion. Not because he thinks they're not strong enough to help defeat Oblivion but because he's not strong enough to defeat Oblivion and he's embarrassed that two attractive women might see him die. A lot of punches are thrown as Kyle says, "I'll stop you!" Then Oblivion says, "You can't stop me!" Then Kyle says, "Oh yeah!" And Oblivion says, "Yeah!"

Once again, the ultimate message is power corrupts.

This is one of the problems with equating super heroes with cosmic police forces. Once you move from simply helping people in need to enforcing laws for the good of the people, you begin to think that you're the only one that knows what's best for everybody else. Removing people's free will for their own safety is usually a mistake. It winds up with you growing a beard, letting your hair go uncut, and finally ending up sitting upon a throne doing your best King Conan impersonation. For the most part, intellectually, I'm sick of these stories about good heroes who become "too good" and wind up being fascist dictators keeping people safe from their own freedom. But when you see how corrupt America's police force is, well, fuck it. I guess these kinds of stories are actually relevant.

Except they're fictional stories about super heroes who are above human fallibility! At least they used to be. Now the only way for a super hero to be interesting is if he or she exists in a gray area where anything goes. I think Superman and Captain America were just too successful at being good. Readers decided that "good" now meant "boring." Minor characters like The Punisher and Rorschach who were meant to be critiques about good guys going too far became fan favorites. Going too far became the norm while doing the right thing no matter what became passé. I just wish more characters fought crime adorably. I can't wait until Maps Mizoguchi becomes a full-fledged super hero.

Oblivion tries to make Kyle Rayner not exist but he's saved by the cavalry.

Is that sexist? Calling Carol the cavalry?

Why is Exeter helping out? I suppose he needed a new job after Kyle freed Relic. I hope Exeter doesn't die next issue! He may have been the best character to come out of this comic book!

New Guardians #39 Rating: No change. Do you think Saint Walker ever gets tired of screaming out some trite line about hope whenever he appears? Do you think he tells his shrink, "You know, there's more to me than hope. This is just my career. I have hobbies, interests, loves. Why doesn't anybody ever ask me about those? No. It's always, 'Saint Walker! I hope you can super charge my ring!' Or they'll call me on the phone and be all, 'I hope I didn't disturb you. *titter*' You know the only person who has even asked me about my cranial sex organ was one of Hal Jordan's nephews! I wish that magic sock puppet maker had never even stitched me together and brought me to life by shooting a load of his semen into my elastic orifice!"

New Guardians #38

If we could only see in x-rays, we'd never know what that invisible thing in front of our face that constantly leaked all over us was. Also genitals.

Let me just point out that in my last New Guardians commentary, I pretty much guessed the ending of Godhead:

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he’s acting an awful lot like a certain stone faced master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Of course only Hal Jordan had the stone faced cojones to put Highfather in his place. Nobody else in the universe could have done it! Not even Malhedron who sort of tried to do it. And Metron who knew it needed to be done but couldn't be bothered to get out of his chair. And Orion who probably did it but who could understand him when he's ranting and raving and projecting spittle all across the room?

But now it's time to forget Godhead because it is over and already forgotten. Now let's find out how Kyle Rayner dies because who needs him?

This issue is part one of a three part story called "It All Ends Here." That's a good sign! I mean, I know the book actually ends in three issues. But maybe Kyle Rayner will go with it forever and always! At least until he pulls a modern penny out of his pocket and is forced to abandon true love!

I don't really hate Kyle. But he's superlative! No wait! He's not that at all! He's superfluous!

This issue begins with a scene that I might revisit later when it makes more sense. The better place to start is here:

I want to say something lovely and profound and melancholic about this scene but I can't stop staring at the stars inside the dark side of the moon! Maybe they're camp fires?

Carol is contemplating her burgeoning (or dying on the vine?) relationship with Kyle and she's probably wondering why she would want to be with an idiot that can't stop giving his ring away to whoever asks for it. He's a comic book artist so his earning potential is limited and he's probably a slacker who will wind up spending most of his time unshowered and stretched out on the couch watching Judge Judy. Carol is a responsible, powerful, worldly woman and she needs more than just a six foot tall man-child that never seems to engage in a serious manner. She has plenty of arguments for why she shouldn't pursue this relationship but it seems she's going to listen to the only argument she has for this relationship: she's in looOOoOooOooOoove!

Hard, throbbing cock? Slick, pulsing, engorged vagina? Clean, puckered, perfumed anal sphincter? San Dimas?

Turns out she loves flying and being a Star Sapphire. I was close!

Dammit. Kyle is winning me over here! If Carol won't take you, Kyle, I'm available! But mostly just because it would be nice to know a comic book artist that I could take advantage of.

I never wanted these two to be a thing anyway. How come male and female characters who spend a lot of time together automatically seem to pair off? They would have been fun just traveling the universe as friends. Why does there always seem to be a need for a romantic subplot? This is the main problem I have with Season Three of Arrow. Felicity was perfect when she was helping out, having her own life, and drooling, non-romantically, over Ollie's shirtlessness. But of course, she had to wind up in love with him. The only female cast member that hasn't been in an intimate relationship with Oliver Queen is his sister and I have a feeling that story arc is coming soon.

Now is the time to talk about that opening scene! The issue began with a huge monster attacking a planet. Before the monster could kill the woman, Saysoran, whom the story opened on, it's sucked up into the sky by black tendrils. Now the creature has been smashed into Zamaron and stamped with the White Lantern Insignia. Kyle and Carol recognize the creature as one of the beings freed from the Source Wall by Black Hand.

Kyle and Carol head off to investigate where the creature came from but this time they're doing it as friends instead of pee-pee rubbers. That's how I describe sex! Are you interested now, ladies?

Carol and Kyle arrive on a planet that's been nearly destroyed (except for Saysoran who will probably become an important character if she isn't already and I've just never heard of her). They find another White Lantern Insignia, this one composed of dead people nailed to a wall. And then they confront the monster behind it all!

Oblivenom!

New Guardians #38 Rating: +2 Ranking. The highlight of this comic was Kyle and Carol discussing their relationship. The lowlight was that they didn't have time for an on-panel farewell fuck. I don't think I really care about Oblivion. Maybe he'll win me over as an arch-enemy next issue when he asks Kyle for Kyle's ring and Kyle gives it to him.

New Guardians #37

Geese cream fat sheep when it's cold outside! Every moment I'm awake, prefer their lemonade!

I just looked at this cover and it made me think Kyle must be dreaming which is why I quoted that Heart song in the caption. I love how the lyrics don't make any sense! They're so dreamlike!

Last issue, Kyle lost his White Ring because he's a huge idiot. While everybody else has been stubbornly fighting the New Gods because it's painfully obvious that they're not going to help the universe at all (and, even if they somehow do something right, at the very least they're not giving back the rings), Kyle just walked up to Highfather and said, "Here! Take my ring!" Then three seconds later, Kyle said, "Hey! Give me back my ring!" But by then it was too late. Stupid Kyle had doomed the universe to doom of the doomiest kind. And now Carol's lady boner for Kyle probably wilted.

Yes she's mad at you! She wanted to fuck you! And then you went and showed her that you're not only a wussy baby puss-puss, but you're stupid too!

Carol probably doesn't mind that Kyle is a wussy baby puss-puss because she was with Hal for a long time and he was the opposite of a wussy baby puss-puss (a tough senior mutt-mutt?). But a smart lady like Carol can't be wasting her time with an idiot that falls for the second oldest scam in the universe. The first oldest scam in the universe is that one where you pretend your wife is your sister and then you get her to marry a king or a pharaoh. Then you accidentally find a way for the king or pharaoh to find out that she's your wife and that you have the meanest, angriest God on the block so he quickly apologizes and sends you away with half of his wealth and cattle and camels because he doesn't want God striking him down. That one was so good that Abraham used it twice! And his son Isaac used it too! On the same guy, Abimelech, that Abraham used it on! That Abimelech sure was a horny idiot!

As Kyle and Carol pretend that maybe they can find a way out of this, Metron stops by in his comfy chair to declare that they have not yet fulfilled their roles!

He gives up too easily and he's wrong. He tries throwing rocks at Metron's head and he's wrong. Cut him some slack, Carol!

Just imagine if Black Racer came by for a visit! Kyle could get the comfy chair and Carol could strap on the skis and they could storm New Genesis!

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he's acting an awful lot like a certain stone face master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Metron drops off an ancient Mother Box for Kyle and Carol to use. It has to be ancient because the newer models are attuned to their users. Anybody can use this old one but that means it's also likely to have just one use left in it. Also, if they both grab it and sing the proper song, they can turn into Infinity Man!

Elsewhere on New Genesis, Malhedron heads off to rescue Guy Gardner and Simon Baz, leaving behind John Stewart and that dopey sperm-headed cunt Saint Walker to fend for themselves. But they're not alone for long.

Great! Now they have three useless people, one Green Lantern, and a squirrel.

The reunion is interrupted by some of Highfather's Divine Guards. But Kyle has a plan! And I think his plan depends on his belief that the New Gods won't kill him. For some reason, Highfather didn't kill him or turn him into a good soldier. So Kyle might still have some kind of link to the Life Equation that Highfather would lose if Kyle were to die. Maybe. It's all comic book nonsense so it's kind of hard to speculate in any kind of logical way!

Kyle and the gang manage to steal the Divine Guards' weapons and turn them on the Guards. Now that they're all equipped with some kind of firepower, they head off to find Highfather and tell him he's acting like an idiot.

They actually find him surprisingly quick. I thought they'd have to wait for Red Lanterns or something. During the five or so minutes that it takes them to walk to Highfather's location, the Bohemian Guardians escape the Singularity Stockade. I guess the New Gods haven't quite perfected the technology to imprison beings older than they are.

Kyle manages to get his White Ring back but it does him little good. It's got no juice left! And I don't think a White Battery exists, does it? Anyway, it seems Highfather has all the White Juice locked up inside of himself now. And he decides to spray it all over his rivals.

Whoops!

New Guardians #37 Rating: No change. Just three more issues of Godhead! I bet it ends like every other Green Lantern Cosmic Crisis! Which is...well, um, actually...I kind of forget how they all ended. I guess the Green Lanterns discovered they had more willpower reserves than they had before or something and beat the crap out of the bad guys? Oh, who cares, really. Another Cosmic Crisis is probably already right around the corner!

New Guardians #36

Fear or urine? Perhaps both?

Wasn't Kyle Rayner chosen by Ganthet while Rayner was pissing in an alley? Or was that just a weird sex dream I had recently?

Judging by the cover, it doesn't look like Kyle's trip to New Genesis goes very well. Here's how I think this book will go.

Kyle: "Nice planet you have here."
Highfather: "You are a huge puss. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Chill, dude."
Highfather: "You are less than something that is less than nothing. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Yo, Carol, let's hit the bricks."
Highfather: "I have tried being polite! Now I must kill you!"
Huge fight breaks out. Just before Kyle almost dies, some New Genesissian whom Highfather once called a ponce saves Kyle and Carol and they escape to the surface of the planet to await the next chapter of Godhead in which they appear.

That's probably way too specific! I should take a page out of Nostradamus's books and be vague and ambiguous when guessing plot points. Now my entire guess will be off the mark and I'll look like one huge fool of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

This is the nice planet part! We should probably end things here and deem my prognostication entirely accurate!

The rest plays out just a tiny bit differently than I had guessed. Highfather practically calls Kyle a puss and Kyle practically tells Highfather to calm down but in such a polite way that you'd probably never realize they were seconds away from tearing each other's throats out. And in just six pages, Highfather and Kyle have worked out a deal.

I'm sure the fight is still to come!

Now that Highfather has the most powerful cockring in the Omniverse (it hurts so much to type that! Why don't I just use Multiverse like everybody at DC was told to do except Scott Lobdell because nobody actually likes talking to him?), he's going to go defeat Darkseid. Too bad all Highfather will find are a bunch of Batarangs and a pool of Darkseid's tears.

After giving up his ring, Kyle listens to how Highfather is going to use it to change Earth, turn it into a trap, and fight the war to end all multiversity wars upon the face of it. That's when Kyle says to Carol, "Was I too hasty? Should I have maybe asked a few more questions? Shouldn't you have stopped me before making this rash decision, being that you're an experienced business woman and I'm just a lowly comic book artist that gets suckered into horrible contracts all the time?"

This is where Highfather calls Kyle a big puss.

See? I think the narrative is going to play out fairly closely to how I predicted it would except for the part about the ring being given up immediately!

This is where Kyle says, "Chill, dude!" and then Highfather declares Kyle is less than nothing! Or however I said it earlier!

Now all they have to do is fight! Except Kyle has no powers, so I guess it will be Carol versus Highfather. That battle will probably only last a panel longer than if it were Kyle against Highfather alone with no powers. Which is why they're going to have to be saved by some New Gods that have issues with Highfather's controlling ways!

Carol's ring runs out after two pages of lots of pink ink. I think the only way to defeat him now is to start fucking so that Highfather goes, "What...what is that?! What are you...stop that! You're ruining the floor! Oh...oh...I'm going to vomit!" Then while Highfather is dry heaving a new universe into existence, Kyle can kick Highfather in the balls and yell, "I learned that move from Steve-O, bitch!" Then he'll get his White Ring back and save the day! And all thanks to Jackass!

Kyle and Carol get BOOM Tubed down to the surface of the planet. So technically they were saved by a New Genesissian, right? And I'm sure Highfather has, at one time in his life when Darkseid tricked him real good, punched himself in the side of the head and said, "You stupid, bloody ponce!" So I was completely and utterly correct in my prediction!

Highfather tests his new Life Equation Power on the planet Muz (Sector 3502! That's the place Von Daggle was hiding!--Knows Useless Stuff Tess!), turning everybody on the planet into Orion wannabes. That's when the Bohemian Guardians feel a disturbance in the Spectrum and realize Kyle fucked up big time.

New Guardians #36 Rating: Why is this book still called New Guardians? That's the only reason the Bohemain Guardians are in it! Otherwise the stupid title makes no sense! I liked it better when Bleez and that Orange Potato and the Nok Nok guy and Saint Sperm Head and all the other ones were forming a team. What will the next incarnation of the "New Guardians" be once Kyle refuses to hang out with hippie bastards at the end of all this? Are Carol and Kyle alone enough to constitute "New Guardians?"

New Guardians #35

I think I know what the life equation is! Penis + Vagina - Butthole + Marvin Gaye + 9 Months - Falling Down Stairs = Life!

Okay, class. Enough giggling over the title of this cosmic crisis, Godhead. This will be a classy, intellectual discussion about a comic book. How dare you expect anything less.

The issue begins with the Bohemian Guardians informing Kyle Rayner that he has done what nobody thought possible: he has passed through the Source Wall and returned. For some reason, nobody has ever thought to go over or under it since it's just a normal wall in space. It's not like it's the inside of a shell that stretches off in all directions. It's just a fucking wall! I guess being comic book characters, they're not used to thinking in three dimensions. Also they're stuck inside of panels so if the Source Wall can stretch from panel border to panel border, they can't get around it.

Judging by the look on Carol's face, there's one thing he isn't capable of! I'm guessing the Life Equation has no variable for clitoris.

Kyle realizes the Bohemian Guardians manipulated him into hiding for fear that he would be hunted down for the Life Equation. I guess once a Guardian, always a Guardian, no matter how many daisy chains they wear in their hair. But now the New Gods know of his existence anyway, so the running and hiding option was a big failure. I guess Kyle can go back to the Green Lanterns and let them know he's alive. I bet they all act like their feelings are hurt instead of being happy that he's still alive. I only guess that because all comic book characters are pouting, narcissistic assholes.

Just rewrite them out of existence, Kyle. The DC Universe is better off without any living Oans.

When Kyle decides he's done hanging out with the manipulative little blue bastards, they turn on him. They try to remove the Life Equation from Kyle against his will which causes some kind of hell to break loose. It's the kind of hell that catches the attention of Highfather. You know, the guy the Bohemian Guardians were trying to hide Kyle from? So, you know, good job, Hippies.

Heh heh heh. "Godhead." Heh heh he...ahem. Sorry. Sorry.

After whatever Kyle and Highfather just did to each other, Highfather BOOM Tubes the Bohemian Guardians back to San Francisco. Or maybe some Acid Factory in the forests of Northern California. It hardly matters. Highfather has earned Kyle's trust by sending them away and now he can take his time stealing the Life Equation from Kyle. Even though they don't trust him, Kyle and Carol decide to follow Highfather to New Genesis because he seems to be the only one that can help them. Just like how the Bohemian Guardians seemed to be helping! Or Hal Jordan! Or the Zamarons! I think the only thing I'm learning from all the Green Lantern comic books is that bosses are assholes. Although I wouldn't mind working for Guy Gardner! But don't make me work with John Stewart! I don't want to die!

Eww! Didn't you see what he just had in his mouth?!

New Guardians #35 Rating: No change. The worst part about these multi-title crossovers is that you eventually get chapters like this where it feels like not much has really happened. I suppose getting rid of the Bohemian Guardians (for now!) was the best part of this Act.

Futures End: New Guardians #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don’t Put That There Chai Tea!

[Slight buzzing sounds for several seconds before being replaced by clear and enthusiastic sounds of fucking. Sounds reach a loud frenzy before dissolving into simply hurried breathing and panting.]

Archivist Melville: "Mmm. Thank you, Goggles."
Goggles: "Thank you, Archivist. I fucking needed some of that. I think I see why you chose the name Melville."
Archivist Melville: "*chuckling* Because I'm a damn good scrivener?"
Goggles: "Heh. It's not your pen I was impressed with."
Archivist Melville: "Quite a perk, this limo, hmm?"
Goggles: "Yeah. I'm just sorry we don't have enough vehicles for all these Old York and Reading City refugees."
Archivist Melville: "What are you going to do with them, Goggs? What's the plan?"

[Long silence punctuated by a few deep inhales and some slight coughing.]

Goggles: "I don't know anymore, Mel. I just don't fucking know. I thought I knew. I had this grand idea...this beautiful vision of paradise...Buzztown shared with everyone. But now...looking at them and traveling with them...there's just too damn many of them. How do this many people agree on anything?"
Archivist Melville: "What about the Kinder Camps? Weren't you going to...I don't know...?"
Goggles: "I'm still waiting to hear from the Professor about Death Carousel up in Maine. I thought maybe the abandoned children might have some insights on a new way of life, having been mostly raised outside of the Former Times. But from what I heard on the Upper Kinder Camp recording, that ain't no place for adults, you know? Maybe it's different elsewhere. Maybe we can learn something and incorporate it into our vision of the future. Maybe...fuck, Mel...maybe it's just too late for us. Our time is done. Let the kids have it, see?"

[Another long silence.]

Archivist Melville: "Why the language, Goggs?"
Goggles: *laughter* "Why not? I figured the revolution needed a language all its own. We need something new, sees it? Something that isn't...wasn't theirs."
Archivist Melville: "You just want to burn it down and start over. My colleagues and I want to save it all. I can't quite fathom how I've found myself locked inside an expensive limousine with a young, gorgeous, brilliant, Polynesian rebel."
Goggles: "Fuck it. I have no idea why I've been fucking an old, pasty white librarian the last few years." *chuckles*
Archivist Melville: "Daddy issues?"

[Another long silence.]

Archivist Melville: "Shit. Sorry, Goggles. I just...oh, just sorry."
Goggles: "No, no. Fuck it. Father issues is probably right. Why else was I so obsessed with my fucking college Literature teacher when the end of the world decided to squat down on top of us and release its bowels?"
Archivist Melville: "You know I'm not going anywhere, right? I promise to be by your side no matter what we need to do next."
Goggles: "Naw. Don't say that, Mel. No more promises. Promises don't belong in this new world. Promises only get people killed. You do what you need to do when the time comes to do it. Only thing that matters is staying alive."
Archivist Melville: "You think Shortystuff will make a move soon?"

[Another long silence. Slight coughing. An electric buzz.]

Goggles: "Fuck. Who even knows if he's alive anymore. Or if he cares."
Archivist Melville: "Well, he did try to get to you through me. So, he must want something."
Goggles: "I think he just wanted me out of his city. I still have a voice but...what good is it if I'm not identifiable. If I'm not one of them...one of the Lower Voices, you know? Now? I'm just a wanderer. An outcast. I'm no good to nobody except to get them riled up, angry, and scared. And that...fuck, man. That ain't what I wanted. I ain't never wanted to be that."
Archivist Melville: "Why...why the comic books, Goggs? Seriously, what the fuck were you doing? You could have been reading Emerson or Thoreau! Shakespeare! The founding fathers had some pretty fine things to say about revolution too, you know?"
Goggles: "Fuck all those white men. What the fuck do they have to say that's ever meant anything at all to me? Comic books...well, shit. Lotta white men behind them too...and in them, see? But...but they can sometimes transcend the person writing them. The characters are an amalgamation of lots of different writers and different minds and...and...they react to the audience. The characters, whatever race they might be, whatever sex...they reflect the audience. They're masked for a reason, you know. Bruce Wayne might be white...but Batman? Fuck no. Batman's a symbol. Spider-man's a symbol. Peter Parker may be white but why the fuck you think J. Jonah Jameson is so scared of Spider-man, hmm? Cause he's the unknown. He's the other. He's, you know, not white."
Goggles: "Take a character like Black Lightning. Written by a white guy. Talked like a jive turkey for a long time. Could easily be looked at as, well, as just another poor attempt at diversity that a white guy did all wrong. But he was also an educator that spoke white people just as well as any fucking white guy. But he knew the strength of language, and the place of language, and that speaking jive didn't make him uneducated...it transformed him into somebody who belonged in a very specific space. Oh, sure, it also helped hide his secret identity! But spoken language is important, and Jeff Pierce...or Tony Isabella? Who cares, really?...anyway, he, or they, knew just how important it could be. But you think the kids first encountering Black Lightning gave a shit about all that political and language crap? No way. This here was just some cool black dude with super powers that was going to get shit done. You think those kids cared that a white man was writing him? No fucking way. Maybe you can say it's manipulative. But you can't also say it wasn't fucking inspiring."

[Electric buzzing. Knocking noises. Another long silence.]

Goggles: "I don't know what I'm trying to say. I mean, race matters and yet, in comics, maybe it...you know...maybe it matters less. So I didn't want to foment revolution on the words of old white guys. I wanted to use super heroes. Fuck yeah, more of those bastards are white than need to be. But it's easier to obfuscate the person behind it all. Writers, editors, artists, multiple characters, masks...the fucking masks, see?...it's easier to inspire a wider range of people. At least...well, at least that was what I was thinking. I was thinking of Black Lightning. And, well, maybe a little bit of Katana too. Maybe I was thinking a lot about Barr and Aparo's Outsiders. They were more than just a team. They were a family, you know? And they were diverse. And they...they fought against the Force of July! They fought against unbridled patriotism! Think about that! They were revolutionary!"
Archivist Melville: "I can watch you talk comic books naked while smoking a joint all night, Goggs."
Goggles: "Shut up. It might be entertaining for you but I've been having to watch Moby shrink down into a little polywog there for the last few minutes. Put some fucking shorts on or something, why doncha?"
Archivist Melville: "You're a cruel woman."

[Shuffling sounds, static, and several grunts]

Archivist Melville: "Is this the comic you were going to talk about next? New Guardians?"
Goggles: "Yeah. Yeah, but...well...shit. It just depressed me. See, it's about this Lantern, Kyle Rayner, that's decided he has the right to change the universe so that nobody has to suffer. But one woman rebels against his ability to change her even though the change will make her happier. He shows her the suffering in the universe and how he's making it better but she still refuses to change because it's not his choice. It's everybody's choice."
Archivist Melville: "Aha. I see."
Goggles: "Yeah. What right do I have? I'm fucking tired, Mel. Maybe...maybe I should just drive off...leave everybody to figure the way forward for themselves. But then...I mean, how can...." *sighs*
Goggles: "Why the fuck are they following me? Why did they leave their lives, hunh? I regret leaving Buzztown! I regret my choices in Saint Lois! I'm beginning to regret this whole movement! All I do is regret my fucking decisions! And now I'm going to regret encouraging this nonsense! I already see the future. I see The Professor slipping out of the city when things got too hot. He had to live his life his way and he couldn't be responsible for anybody else any more. That's me. That's me, very likely...and very soon, I'm afraid."
Archivist Melville: "Why'd you leave Buzztown, Goggs? You talk about it like it was blissful and serene?"
Goggles: "I felt too guilty there. Skates, Alice, Little Tokyo, Tallyforth, Cummerbund...dead. All dead because of me...or, well, us actually. They made their choices as well. But why did those choices lead me to safety and paradise and them straight to their graves? I couldn't stay. I had no right to be there. But other people living in the hell of the cities brought about by the rich fuckers? They should have the chance. The people like Shizgiggles...still out there, somewhere...like my long dead friends...those people deserved happiness and comfort. But not me. Fucking hell, not me."
Archivist Melville: "Who the fuck do you think you are, Goggles? Fucking Moses?"
Goggles: "What? I...heh. Maybe. Yeah. I'm the fucking Muses, aren't I? Everybody deserves the Promised Land but me. Maybe. Maybe that's it exactly. Anyway, how about you shut your fucking mouth so I can get some sleep, hunh?"
Archivist Melville: "Goggles...I...yeah. Okay. Go to sleep, you dumb bitch."
Goggles: "Fuck off, old man."

[Clicking, shifting of leather on leather, loud slam. Rustling and static and, eventually, snoring.]

New Guardians #34

If I were Kyle, I would defeat the Psions just after they'd killed all the Bohemian Guardians.

It's understandable that people find God when they go through traumatic or painful experiences. I'm a staunch atheist and I moan, "Please Jesus. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus jesus jesus please," when I'm wracked by severe cramps sitting on the toilet bowl. If just a bout of diarrhea can make me wish for the healing power of a minor God's mortal son, just imagine if I were nearly dying! I'd probably even ask Mormon Jesus for help! Hell, I might ask him for help anyway. I think he wears a holster with two six shots and sings all of his parables. Remember when he sang about kids never telling lies and that idiot that confesses to breaking a window? Mormon Jesus is awesome.

I wish there were a comic book about Mormon Jesus. Maybe that's the independent comic book I was born to write!

If anybody in the DC Universe can use the word "kaiju" without me judging them just a little bit, it's Kyle Rayner.

Look, we all judge everybody all the time for various, sundry, idiotic reasons. So don't judge me for judging people over using a stupid word! At least I'm honest about my faults! Sometimes I can't fucking stand you readers, always trying to change me into something I'd rather not be! Jerkos! This blog was so much better when only Doom Bunny and Swickape were reading it!

I wonder if the younger and younger the writers become (or the younger and younger voices they try to simulate *cough*ScottLobdell*touchmyselfsecretly*), the more and more old man ranty I'm going to become. I said "ranty" not "randy!" Although what makes old men so hands on and gropey? You're creeping us all out, old dude!

I bet this issue is called "Sacrifices" because Quaros sacrifices himself to save the others! Who else is going to sacrifice anything in this comic book? Certainly not Carol Ferris! She's worth too much money for that kind of peasant-type bullshit. Sacrifice! I bet she doesn't even know what the word means! Or that its mantra is "BEH!" Oh wait, is that the mantra for Compassion? Fuck it. Who needs to know about sacrifice anyway!

Oh! Tinkers! That's who! Duh!

Meanwhile, the Bohemian Guardians escape.

Don't bother. He's already the second segment of an Alien Centipede.

Meanwhile Carol Ferris frees all the other biological experiments so that they can curl up in a ball and cry forever while not being imprisoned. At least the ones that didn't have their tear ducts removed. Or sewn shut. Or switched with their rectums. Although I'm sure those ones can still cry as well but they'd better hold in that turd. Ick!

Instead of crying like I would do, the maltreated aliens rush from their cells like horror monsters exiting a bank of elevators in that movie that basically felt like a lost episode of Angel. Didn't it seem like the evil organization in Cabin in the Woods might as well have been Wolfram and Hart?

That smoke is really starting to piss me off. I want to see what's going on in Quaros's basement!

Quaros decides that the only way to defeat the Psions is to destroy the ship with all of the Psions and their experiments inside of it. That means he'll die too because that has something to do with sacrifice. I looked up the meaning while you were busy in another browser window. But Quaros does make sure that the other Bohemian Guardians, Kyle Rayner, and Carol Ferris are all far away when the ship explodes.

The only problem with the explosion is that it went "BOOM" and before that, a little box was going, "Ping. Ping. Ping." We all know what that means, right? Quaros is on Apokolips now! I'm sure we'll be seeing him again in the Godhead crossover.

Says the woman who earlier finished Kyle's sentence that began with "We need to--" and ended with her saying "Find the Guardians and get some additional brainpower working on this?" I'm more apt to believe in gamma radiation turning a person into a Hulk than I am to believe that people ever finish other people's sentences as often as they do in comic books.

That whole "we finish each other's sandwiches" exchange between Tobias and Lindsay in Arrested Development is, well...actually it's just one moment in a show full of goddamned motherfucking pure genius.

New Guardians #34 Rating: No change. The main problem I have with this comic book is that I don't care about any of the characters. Otherwise, I like how he's off doing his own thing and having his own adventures with Carol. But I guess I can kiss that shit goodbye since he's going to get dragged right back into Green Lantern Corps drama in October. At least this crisis will star the New Gods. I hope Metron runs over Kilowog in his space chair. Then Black Racer will ski up and be all, "Dude, you're dead. You're dead dude. Dude. Dead. You're dead. Dude."