Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #18 (First Week of April 2018)

E!TACT #18
Story Time!, Deadman #5, Kick-Ass #2, Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye #1, Justic League #41, Batman #43, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy!

STORY TIME WITH GRUNION GUY
"What If Pickle Boy Was the Writer and Grunion Guy Was the Assistant?"
By Grunion Guy

Grunion Guy was playing hockey like he loved to play because he was so physically fit. All the beautiful women were watching him and swooning. Also the ugly women who thought they had a chance with him because he was so sensitive and caring. He never pretended they weren't talking to him when they talked to him because some of them had really hot bodies. But then just as Grunion Guy was making the big play, he was hit in the head with the hockey thing! And even though Grunion Guy was super tough and rugged and manly, the hockey thing was hit with such tremendous force that it knocked him out for like no more than three seconds. But during those three seconds, he had the most horrific fantasy in his head!

[This is the part where the screen goes wavy and dark before opening on a brand new scene. Audiences should be a little bit confused but they've seen this kind of thing before, so you probably won't need to add a voice-over or captions to explain that we're now in Grunion Guy's fantasy!]

"Hey, dumby! Wake up and edit my new book, dumby!" Pickle Boy was standing over Grunion Guy, his bald head blinding everything around him which was a good thing because everything would be puking if they could see all of the sausage and egg bits that fell out of his breakfast burrito stuck in his goatee.

"Yes sir!" shouted Grunion Guy as he saluted and grovelled too. "I was just getting on that!" Grunion Guy sat up and glanced around for the book he was editing that had put him instantly to sleep. He finally saw the page on the floor, picked it up, and got back to editing it.

Eastworld
by Pickle Boy

"I am getting vacation!" sparked the protagonist who wasn't a robot. He robot danced to his suitcase and only malfunctioned twice on the way. "I go Eastworld today!" His name was Rob.

Tpn [svlrf yjtrr yord smf yep [sotd pg imfrterst/

"Oops!" thought Rob as he readjusted his fingers on the home row. "That's better!"

Rob decided to use the bathroom before catching the bus because that's what humans do. He pulled out his huge pecker which was totally a Mary Sue version of the writer's penis, just in case you weren't sure. Boy was it big! Pickle Boy big! It was the kind of pecker that peckers dream of having! Some would say it was the greatest and most human pecker of them all.

Before Rob could catch the taxi but after he had put his pecker away, the family pet died. It was so sad that the reader got super emotional. It really connected the reader to the story in a way that not having the family pet die doesn't do.

"Take me Eastworld," Rob told the train conductor. "Choo choo, righty-do!" said the Train Conductor. But then there was drama. "Wait. Are you sure you're a human? This train is only for humans!"

Rob smiled humanly. "What?! Of course I human! That almost insult but I think robots are nifty so then it complimentary!" Rob did the robot and winked. Choo-Choo the Train Conductor blushed. He could tell Rob had a great pecker.

The plane landed at Eastworld and Rob fell down the stairs. When he stood back up, half of his face hung off the metal frame but he hadn't noticed yet. But the audience noticed and were all shocked. This is dramatic irony! I learned about it from Grunion Guy who is the greatest writer of them all except when he's unconscious due to a hockey thing hitting his face.

"One ticket for human!" said Rob at the turnstile. The ticket taker was looking at the ticket in the way that ticket takers do. Then as the ticket taker handed the ticket to Rob, he saw Rob's robot skeleton. He screamed! Unless there have been too many male characters so far and then she screamed. Unless that's sexist and then I don't know what to do. Whoever directs the movie version can figure it out.

"What wrong?!" asked Rob, panicking as he did five million calculations in his head the way humans certainly must be capable of because wasn't he human? Wasn't he? Rob reached up and touched the part of his face that was hanging off the other part of his face. Then he felt the metal underneath and the horror dawned on him like the sun dawning on the day.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rob as he fell to his knees in front of the Statue of Liberty sunk in the ground. "NOOOOOOOO!" The Eiffel Tower was also there and maybe a pyramid. "NOOOOOOOO!"

His last thought before he died of shock was this profound thought: how do any of us ever lmpe ejp er trs;;u strz@

The End!

Grunion Guy woke up because the story was so bad! All the hot girls and the ugly girls with the hot bodies and even some hot girls with gross body odor were standing around him. "Is his pecker okay?" one of them asked as she was trying to pull down his hockey pants.

"Wait!" yelled the referee! "Grunion Guy won the game because the hockey thing bounced off his face and into the score!" Everybody cheered and Grunion Guy's pecker was just fine.

The Real End!

Comic Book Reviews!

Deadman #5
By Neal Adams

Each of the previous four covers of Deadman have had some sort of gimmick to them. One glew in the dark. One had a see-through lion image. One had secret writing. One had The Spectre formed from other characters or something. I don't totally remember that one for sure.

This one is apparently an homage to Highlights for Children.

When I first saw this cover, I thought Neal Adams had finally finished having the stroke he started having while writing The Coming of the Supermen. "Deadman find Ra's al Ghul!" It's not like it was any less coherent than most of his tweets on Twitter. But then I realized the tagline was a command and spent all of three nanoseconds searching for Ra's al Ghul. Couldn't Neal have made it any harder? It's obvious that Ra's is up Deadman's ass.

Now comes the real chore: trying to understand what's going on in the fifth installment of this comic book. The first issue was really confusing because it was poorly written. But every subsequent issue has been exponentially harder to understand, both because I have to first comprehend what is going on and because I have to remember it too! It would probably help if I gave an ounce of shit about this story. I'm surprised I don't since I like DC's mystical characters. But Neal Adams isn't really writing about them. From what I can tell, he's just colored a whole bunch of dog turd bags the same color as Spectre, Etrigan, Deadman, and Zatanna.

Deadman uses the adjective "Brobdingnagian." I bet Neal Adams was jerking himself off while writing that line. "This won't be wasted on a bunch of illiterate comic book readers," he probably thought to himself as he jammed the butt plug a little further up his ass. I hope later, Deadman meets a horse-faced woman and uses the adjective "Houyhnhnmian."

Everybody is gathering outside Nanda Parbat for a reason I've completely forgotten to try to remember. No, that's a lie. I actively tried to forget to remember. That's different, somehow.

According to some samurai that I don't recognize, the army attacking Nanda Parbat (why is it attacking? I don't think Neal Adams explained that part. Maybe he explained it. But poorly) is composed of armorers, yeti, deformers, robotoids, zombies and, um, "stupid things." Checking my Who's Who comic, I don't find an entry on Stupid Things.

I wonder how Neal Adams writes a comic book in which he's also the artist. Does he do the art first, drawing whatever strikes his fancy, and then tries to make a coherent story out of the panels? Judging by how incomprehensible the entire story is, I wouldn't be surprised if that was his method. But even if he plans the story out, his dialogue is terrible. At one point, the samurai attacks a deformer and says, "Remove the bones before you swallow the fish, deformer. They tend to get caught in your throat." Why does he say that? What's he referring to? Does the samurai get his strength from giving out life hacks?

It took me way too long to understand why Doctor Fate said that last thing. But I still don't get why Neal Adams would write it.

Rating: This was one of those issues that gets shoved in when DC Comics demands a six part story from a writer who only has two to three parts in them. It's just a nonsensical brawl that keeps the characters from entering Nanda Parbat one issue too early. Plus the dialogue is worse than Pickle Boy's dialogue. I don't mean the dialogue he writes. I mean the dialogue he comes up with over a few beers. Talk about strokes!


Kick-Ass #2
By Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.

Today is new comic book day so let's count how many comic books I read last week. One! That was easy! It also might be telling. Is it time for me to stop reading comic books again? There are a handful I still enjoy, like Batman and The Wild Storm. But the main reason I can't stop reading comic books is that I'm afraid to break up with my comic book store again. It's too much pressure going in there and telling them to cancel my subscription box! Last time I cancelled back in 2003, Debbie acted hurt and shocked, as if it were something the comic book store had done. So I actually told her, "It's not you; it's me!" What excuse do I give this time?! Maybe I should just have the Non-Certified Spouse call up and tell them I died?

As of right now, I'm three weeks behind on my comic book reading. In a few hours when this week's books come out, I'll be a full month behind! I'm getting my ass kicked by comic books!

Oh! Speaking of ass kicking, I found my way back on topic! Let's just rate this thing and move on to the next one, shall we?

Rating: Patience steps up her Kick-Ass game by caring about the little guy. This is how you become a superhero in real life (because this comic book takes place in real life. You can't forget that. Not because you need to remember it to understand the comic book. You can't forget it because Millar constantly says things like, "This isn't like a comic book!" and "This isn't like in the movies!" and "This isn't like a book written by [Google famous author to put here before sending newsletter]!"). You begin due to desperate circumstances and then project your problems and needs on to everybody else. If extreme violence can solve your problems so easily, why can't that be used to solve all of the other people's problems too?! Nothing can go wrong with that philosophy, right?!

Anyway, it was pretty good. Not $3.99 good! But what can you do? Comic books are ridiculously priced these days. I guess you can stop buying them. But then you have to do that break-up thing and my stomach is hurting just thinking about it!


Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye #1
By Rivera, Oeming, and Filardi

The last Cave Carson series was about his impotence. It's a pretty sweet read if you're smart enough to figure that out. If you aren't as good at reading comic books as I am then you might have missed the significance of a man obsessed with drilling over and over again into deep caves. Now you're thinking, "Grunion Guy, that doesn't sound like impotence at all! Don't you know how to do it?" And I'm return thinking, "Pshaw! Of course I know how! Why would I even feel the need to write fake dialogues where I assure readers that I've totally done it a lot? So ridiculous!" Also you must not have read the series because it was about how Cave Carson couldn't spelunk anymore. I think "spelunk" is short for "sperm dunk" with an "L" added for some reason.

Since the first comic book's title was an anagram for "I c-ca-can see a very-y chaste boner," I bet this title has an anagrammatic clue as well! Let's see. Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye is an anagram of "An anal character's eye is never lost". Methinks I'm most of the way to figuring out what this comic book is really about!

Also I've apparently become one of those people who says "methinks!" Get me a fedora, stat!

Rating: It's weird in that way things are written when they want to be weird. That's a harsh critique and not a compliment. Also maybe it's not as harsh as it could be. Maybe it's not harsh at all? Anyway, that scathing review doesn't mean the comic book is uninteresting. It's just not as interesting as it was when it was about Carson's impotency. I'm not yet sure what this series is about. Maybe about loss and maturity? The entire thing might be about grieving the loss of one's favorite pet. That isn't as sexy as a limp ding-dong! But I'll probably give it at least one more issue.

P.S. I wrote the ranking before reading the back-up story. After reading the back-up story about Cave Carson's podcast, I can confirm the series is about loss. And still maybe about the loss of a pet! I'm sure I can force that view into the narrative.


Justice League #41
By Priest, Briones, and Cox

Rating: This comic book deals with super powered people and aliens and space travel that ignores physics and the Justice League trying to deal with international conflicts and the entire team's institutional racism yet the most unbelievable moment was when some guy was excited to see Aquaman. It took me right out of the comic book. Otherwise, it was a fun read! Especially the part where Wonder Woman was somehow shot. Priest doesn't think she blocks bullets simply because they can actually hurt her, right? Ignoring Kerry Callen's take on Diana's bullet bouncing, she probably deflects them in specific directions so that they don't bounce off of her body and kill an innocent bystander in the way they just bounced off of Superman and killed her. My guess is one went into her open mouth while she was yapping about saving children. I bet the inside of her skin isn't invulnerable. How else could she derive pleasure from fucking Steve Trevor?


Batman #43
By King, Janin, Petrus, and Chung

Rating: I haven't discussed the last few issues of Batman because I've simply been enjoying them. I suppose if there are people out there who can't stand King's Batman, I can't be bothered to mind. Contrary to the evidence presented in thousands of pages of comic book criticism over the last few years, I actually do understand what 'subjective' means. And I can live with people not liking Tom King's writing style because that means Tom King's writing style is there to be experienced. He reminds me why I once loved comic books. He doesn't write a person in a costume. He writes a character who happens to wear a costume. His dialogue is fun and serious and touches one in a way that I thought was a bad touch but I think it's actually the kind of touch most people crave. The current arc is a love story disguised as a villain taking over the world story and it couldn't be better. That's hyperbole because of course it could be better. All of the characters could be drawn naked and aroused.

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews

Get Your Shit Together by Public Enemy
There's something incredibly Shakespearean about Public Enemy's music. It's like when Chuck D is rapping, you're all, "Fuck man. Fuck. This is profound! This is fucking American truth man! This is crazy." Then Flava Flav starts singing and you're all, "Oh yeah! This Shakespeare loved cock jokes too!" Mostly you forget Flava Flav is a part of this group when they're singing about serious shit like this. Occasionally you'll heave Flava Flav's high-pitched, sidekick exclamations ring out and I can't help laughing. Then I feel terrible because somebody might think I'm laughing at the serious lyric, "What you gonna do? What'ch you gonna do? If you'd been on that plane, both sides would've killed you too!" Mostly though, Public Enemy really understands when to play up Flava Flav and when to downplay him. He's barely even a blip in this song. I imagine he was just bopping along in the studio as this track was recorded without ever realizing his mic wasn't turned on.
Grade: A.

Never Say Die by Jon Bon Jovi
Most Americans think Bon Jovi was a huge punchline to the joke of 80s rock music. But we all know why Bon Jovi survived the death of that 80s hard rock genre; it was because he was a master of sex appeal and also wrote really catchy songs! This song is from the soundtrack to Young Guns II which was almost as good as the movie itself! This might be the worst song on the album (aside from the one without lyrics, "Guano City." Who listens to songs without lyrics?! What a waste of time!) and yet I still don't skip it when it comes up on my shuffle. Because even the worst of the best is still good! Some might say I'm a Jovi Lover and they have a right to their totally correct and non-spurious opinions. Let me share the glory of some of Jon's triumphs in lyrical beauty:

"Once I was afraid of love
But when it's your brother those things change.
Love is just another word for trust!
So hear me when I say, 'Never say, "Die!"'
'Never say, "No!"'
You got to look them in the eye and don't let go!"

Wow! That just gets right to the heart of sex shop glory hole culture! It's right up there with "Love is a Social Disease" and "Shot Through the Heart" (not to be confused with "You Give Love a Bad Name" which uses the lyric "shot through the heart")! I'm not sure why Bon Jovi included an anthem for living with and fighting AIDS in the Young Guns II soundtrack. But it works somehow!
Grade: B.

Saturday's Child by The Monkees
"You'll be called 'The Monkees!'"
"What? Why?"
"But not monkeys like you're imagining it! Monkees with two 'e's!"
"What? Why?!"
"You don't like it? The other three guys we're interviewing for the band probably love it! You should to!"
"Well, as long as we play catchy pop tunes that make all the girls go wild."
"You mean 'pretend to play!'"
"Wait. What? Why?!"

That's probably how Mike Nesmith's job interview went, right? Anyway, what about "Saturday's Child", you're probably thinking. Well, I'm probably thinking, "What about it?! It's kind of stupid." I don't even know what a Saturday child is supposed to be! Did people used to not only believe personalities were formed by astrological signs but by days of the week as well? What makes Saturday's child not break your heart like Thursday's child? Why is Wednesday's child so aloof?! And Sunday's child is way too into commitment. I guess Saturday's child is the one that will sleep with you on the first date and not care when you never call again. Is that love?

It's also a bit weird to be singing about loving a child.
Grade: D+.

Ubangi Stomp by Alice Cooper
This is Alice Cooper's version of an Elvis dance song. Alice Cooper did a lot of versions of other people singing songs that already existed. People don't realize this but Alice Cooper was basically Weird Al Yankovic drunk out of his mind. This song is from Lace and Whiskey which is an album that most people could hear any song from, be told it was Alice Cooper, and they would say, "Fuck you that's Alice Cooper." I guess maybe "Road Rats" or "It's Hot Tonight" wouldn't get that reaction. But that's just twenty percent of the album. Nobody would hear this or "My God" or "I Never Wrote Those Songs" or "King of the Silver Screen" or "You and Me" or "Damned If You Do" or "Lace and Whiskey" or "(No More) Love at Your Convenience" and think, "I know who sang that!" Except maybe "You and Me" since it was basically Alice Cooper's last big hit of the seventies and also because he sang it to Miss Piggy on The Muppet Show. This song is catchy and I would dance to it if I actually knew how to do the Ubangi Stomp. It probably involves a lot of stomping and racism.
Grade: B.

The Simpsons Halloween Special End Credits Theme ("The Addams Family" Homage)
I don't know why I haven't deleted this from my iTunes. I don't know why I haven't deleted all of The Simpsons special themes from my iTunes. Probably because I'm lazy. I'm not too lazy to hit skip every time one of them comes up on the Shuffle though. If you hear a "song" like this and think, "I need to hear more of that a lot of the time I'm living this finite life," then we don't have much in common. I mean music-wise! We probably have more in common in other ways, like how often we masturbate or how many burritos we can stand to eat in one day.
Grade: F.

What Am I Currently Reading?

This week, I finished reading Red Dwarf: Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. Mostly it was a rehash of a few of the first series episodes with some minor and not so minor differences. Lots of the dialogue was the same in places but Red Dwarf's captain was a woman named Kirk rather than a bloated man with a pockmarked face. We also learn how Lister became a crew member and that his breaking of quarantine by smuggling the cat on board was done on purpose so he could be in stasis for the entire trip back to Earth. It was an easy and enjoyable read that actually made me laugh out loud in places which the television show doesn't really do any more. Well, maybe it does. But the way laugh tracks have aged makes viewing of old sitcoms really fucking difficult.
    What reading this book has taught me is that maybe the Xanth books aren't such quick reads after all! Either I'm not as big a fan of fantasy as I was at twelve when titillating descriptions of naked creatures caused me to take a short bathroom break (and that scene where Dor and Irene rip each other's clothes off in the moat in Centaur Isle probably fueled more bathroom breaks than any other bit) or the Xanth books just aren't as entertaining as I remembered them being. It's a slog to get through a Xanth book. I had to force myself to try to read at least one chapter every morning before bed (I work nights!). But I kept going back to the Red Dwarf book even when I could have been playing Fortnite! If you don't know what Fortnite is, that was meant as high praise!
   Next up on my to read list is Spiral by Koji Suzuki. It's the sequel to Ringu which everybody knows about. I think I'll reread Ringu first because it took so long to find the second book. Ringu was written in 1992 and it might be the best book on memes I'll ever read. Mostly because I'll never read another one.

Letters to Me!

KB writes: My mom took us to see Godspell on multiple occasions. ::shudder::

My reply: Ick! I hate when people equate Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell. Although I think I owe my love of Jesus Christ Superstar to Godspell. At some point as a kid, I saw the end scene of the Godspell movie where Jesus Christ is crucified to a chain link fence by a bunch of clowns while the World Trade Center sits in the background mocking modern audiences. I was all, "What the heck was that?! It seems awesome!" The visual stuck in my head for years. I also knew the title song of Jesus Christ Superstar thanks to grocery store background music. I assumed the two were one and the same. After years of having that song and image stuck in my head, I eventually dug out my mom's VHS copy of Jesus Christ Superstar (taped from television, of course) and watched it. It was not the movie I remembered but I fell in love with it anyway. I loved the music and was fascinated by the sympathetic take on Judas.

Eventually I watched Godspell as well and was not taken in the same way. I also saw Godspell at least once in the community theater version because my friend Doom Bunny was doing the lights for it.

KB:

"took nine hundred and ninety nine comics but Superman finally realized that throwing criminals into the Phantom Zone was a dick move. His first (and possibly only?) step in correcting this attitude is letting Hank Henshaw out. After which Superman immediately imprisons him in an Inertron cell (unless it's Adamantium) and puts him into a hallucinatory state so he won't cause trouble. Jurgens seems to be telling this tale to show that Superman is too good to be corrupted like, in the other half of the story, Sam Lane fears."

So, using Black Mercies is evil, but a hallucinatory condition isn't? Though there is an interesting discussion to be had about whether it's merciful to let people live in blissful delusion. Even if you were to construct a hallucinatory setting where Hank Henshaw could grow as a person until he decided to foreswear evil, what happens when you yank the rug out from under him and tell him it's all been a lie? I guess that's an argument about practical application more than about morality, but it's still a question.

"Although, to be fair in a fairer way, Superman's foes always seem to escape from the Phantom Zone just like Batman's enemies escape Arkham. So Superman can either follow the law and the villains he captures will still escape, or he can imprison people illegally while they still manage to escape. Since nobody can keep a comic book villain locked up, Superman should at least choose the option that doesn't make him look like a fascist."

Gold kryptonite used to be a solution, yet Superman almost never used it. "Look, you lived your whole life on Krypton without super powers, you can live here on earth just fine without powers too. Trust me, you'll love the Denny's Grand Slam. And you can probably get rich going into tech companies. Stay away from Lex Luthor though, he'll probably want to vivisect you."

Me: Basically, I think DC's view is that if Superman does it, it's okay. If some other character who we aren't told by DC that everybody but Batman and Lex Luthor can trust implicitly for some reason does it, it's terrible and should be stopped immediately. That Gold Kryptonite solution seems particularly troublesome and hypocritical. If Superman thinks Kryptonians who abuse their powers don't deserve them, shouldn't he take the same hard line on himself? As soon as he realizes that he's constantly being manipulated to use his powers against Earth through magic or hypnosis or Joker serum or Doomsday viruses, shouldn't he also expose himself to Gold Kryptonite so he loses his powers forever? I suppose he has an imaginary whiteboard in the Fortress of Solitude where he keeps a list of all the pros and cons of keeping his powers. Once that list tips too far into the cons, he probably has a Gold Kryptonite suppository set aside.


Upright writes: Did you ever check out Anthony’s Bio of a Tyrant series? The only thing I remember is that Jupiter was the U.S., Saturn was the USSR, and Earth was India (weird). And a missile crisis, because Saturn, of course. And the guy was a tyrant but totally misunderstood like so many of them are! We can’t think beyond the present unless you can and then you’re Philip K Dick and he’s crazy until he’s absolutely not at all.

My reply: I never did pick that up. Which is weird because I read almost everything else Anthony churned out (for some reason. Let's not be too hard on twelve year old me! He may have been a smelly, know-it-all jerk but...well, maybe we should have all been harder on him, actually). Maybe since I'm reading all of his terrible stuff again, I should read some of his terrible stuff that I never read before!

Speaking of Philip K. Dick, I'd read more of his stuff but I can't remember what I've read of his and what I haven't. I really should have kept a list. Since he became so popular again in the whatever years he became really popular again, publishers seem to reissue his stuff over and over again. It's hard to tell when I see a bunch of new covers which ones I've read. Maybe I should just hit the library and go through them all. Then when I recognize I've read one, I can just return it without costing me anything! Except for the late fee I'll almost certainly accrue.

And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos!

Superman: Year One: Book Three

Here's the back cover instead because I misread it as "We serve one purpose: Jesus," and I was ready to accept that.

Now that Frank Miller wrote Superman into a relationship that's going to fail last issue, do we need to spend half of this issue reading about the break up? Shit. Now I wish Gertrude Stein had done a Superman: Year One in the style of her short story, "Melanctha." That would be a Clark Kent I could really identify with. Constantly unsure about the life he truly desires, he spends most of his time complaining that his current life isn't it until he finds himself alone and unloved with all of his potential squandered. I guess it wouldn't be a great Superman book. But it would at least be true to the Superman I would wind up being.

My hope is that Lori becomes dissatisfied with Clark's sexual techniques and kicks him out of Atlantis. Then she tells Aquaman all about it. Aquaman's knowledge of how bad Superman is at boning then becomes the only reason Aquaman makes it into the Justice League. Superman spends years defending Aquaman as a good choice until, completely weary and humiliated for having gone to bat for the undersea joke that Aquaman is, Superman finally admits to fucking poorly so he can stop pretending to admire Aquaman.

The issue begins with Lois Lane piloting a submarine as she searches for Superman in mythical Atlantis. But then there's a terrible accident which Frank Miller describes with the pathos and gravitas the situation demands.

Due to the amount of lava and debris, I would have gone with "sharts."

Superman saves Lois Lane from dying under the ocean which probably means she's going to reward him with her big city sexual prowess. But before Superman can accept his reward for being a nice guy, he has to defeat a troop of Navy SEALS who have come to capture him. So everybody's looking for Superman now because he showed off a few too many times while training in the Navy and his commanding officer became jealous that the mermaids let Clark fuck them. So Superman's big enemies are the god Poseidon and the American military, both because Lori Lemaris chose to fuck Superman instead of them.

You might think I'm concentrating too much on Superman fucking the women he saved, and people being upset that they didn't get to fuck those women. If you are thinking that, it's probably because you haven't actually read Frank Miller's Superman: Year One. You'd totally understand that it's not me who is obsessed with Superman getting laid for fighting for truth, justice, and the American Way (honorably discharged version). It's apparently the entire theme of Frank Miller's Superman story.

I just realized that I was going to make a Batman sucking Superman dick's joke based on the cover but then I didn't scan the cover. Oh well! Lesson learned!

Any time somebody says, "Lesson learned," you should immediately ask them, "Oh? What was that then?" I bet most of the time, they won't be able to explain how they learned anything.

The good thing about the cover of Book Three is that it was drawn by Frank Miller. And no matter what you think of Frank Miller's art, you have to agree (or at least better agree or we're going to have a problem) that it's better than John Romita Jr's art and better than Frank Miller's writing.

After beating up the Navy SEALS and rescuing Lois Lane, Clark Kent winds up graduating from college and interning at the Daily Planet. Don't ask me what happened to Lori Lemaris and Atlantis! I guess it was such a terrible break-up that even Frank Miller doesn't want to write about it.

You can tell how dumb a person is by how much they defend Trump and blame the mainstream media. The fucking mainstream media bends over backwards not to point out just how fucking ignorant Trump is about everything!

Stepping away from the comic itself for a moment, here's what John Romita Jr had to say about this comic book after it was announced amidst a lot of "eye-rolls and groans" at San Diego Comic-Con. "The cynics that don't like my artwork or Frank's work were everywhere on the social media. Now we'll see what they have to say, because this is damn fresh, and I'm really proud of it." Well, I didn't have anything to say about it before reading it. I even bought it mostly knowing that I wasn't going to enjoy it even though I always hope that I enjoy everything I purchase as entertainment! Why else would I bother if not to hopefully be surprised and elated? Well, let me tell you, I was not surprised nor elated. Superman in the Navy might be fresh but it's also pretty fucking stupid. The whole idea was that Superman would join the Navy so he could see the world? But then he spends his entire time training in California where he learns he doesn't want to kill people after battling pirates in the Pacific waters off of the coast of California? Also he fucks mermaids during that time because why the fuck not? Now imagine reading all of that while looking at John Romita Jr's terrible facial expressions. The announcement of this comic book with this creative team should have garnered a lot more than groans and eye-rolls. There should have been jerking off motions as well.

Working at the Daily Planet with Lois Lane (who, if you remember from the part where I said she wants to fuck him, wants to fuck him), Clark Kent realizes he needs a disguise. So Frank Miller makes sure to explain how the hat and glasses work as a disguise. The hat "changes his silhouette" and the glasses are just "the geek factor" he needs. The whole "dress to unimpress" angle is the disguise. Fucking bullshit. We all know that the glasses and the outfit are the least part of the disguise. He needs to discuss how he changes his posture, how he acts clumsy, how he puts on the air of naive farm boy, how he's terrible at pleasing a woman in bed. These are all aspects that work to make it unbelievable that he could be Superman. Christopher Reeves in Superman nails all of these aspects and I wish writers would be more upfront about how Clark Kent's disguise is less about the accouterments and more about the act Clark puts on.

Superman begins deciding how to fight crime now that he's come to Metropolis. And his logic goes like this: "What do criminals want? Money! Where is the money? Banks!" And just like that, he becomes the protector of corporate America! He even thinks, "Never mind the third rate muggers and street swindlers." No wonder Batman doesn't respect this asshole! A third rate mugger killed Batman's parents and Superman is all, "Bah, they're harmless! Better get the guys going after the money that's insured!" Fuck this Superman!

Next Superman goes after street level drug makers. That's better, I guess, but couldn't he go after the pharmaceutical industry itself?

What the fuck is "factory brand duct tape"? Having managed a warehouse on the Netscape campus back in the 90s, I'd say they should be wrapped in shrink wrap.

This morning, I discovered Carrot Cake flavored Oreos. It was nice living without diabetes but I must say goodbye to those years now.

Later, Superman stops a man from abusing his wife and kids. I don't find out if she thanks him with her sex. But from what the previous chapters of this story have taught me, she did.

After that, Superman frees some hostages from a hostage situation that was set-up by Lex Luthor so he could meet Superman. Lex manipulates Superman into working for him to stop Batman. Why does Lex care about Gotham and Batman? I don't know! I don't even really know how Lex manipulates Superman! And I don't think it's because I'm too stupid to follow the story. I'm pretty sure I'm smart enough to understand a comic book! But this comic book feels like a bunch of pages are missing. Hell, Superman's first words to Lex Luthor upon meeting him for the first time are "You're a damned liar!" What did he lie about? When did he ever say anything to Superman? What the fuck is going on?!

Over in Gotham, Batman uses a gun. Okay. Whatever. Let's wrap this shit up.

Here's a terrible picture of Superman since I can't write about a story I can't follow.

The gist of the rest of the story is that Lex Luthor is tired of Batman and Superman foiling his crimes. So he decides to convince Superman that Batman is a jerk. After they get done killing each other, Lex Luthor will profit. Not that he isn't profiting already. But he'll profit more, I guess?

Superman lands in Gotham to speak with Batman and Batman instantly tries to kill him. Oh yeah, Frank Miller totally understands these characters. Batman wants justice but is willing to kill Superman because Superman wants to talk to him. And Superman goes around doing good while constantly thinking, "I'll show them!" and "I could kill these guys!" and "Which other woman should I save so I can fuck her?"

Batman tries all kinds of violence on Superman while telling Superman smarts are what counts. If only he'd use some and realize he can't hurt this guy. This might be the dumbest version of Batman I've ever seen.

Eventually Wonder Woman arrives to point out to these two blockheads that maybe they should stop fighting and work together to make the world a better place. Batman is all, "Well, I can't hurt him anyway so I guess I'll work with him." And Superman is all, "How is she stronger than me? She doesn't need rescuing from anybody. Has she ever gotten laid?!"

The issue basically ends with Wonder Woman telling Superman that she's ready to fuck him after he goes into space to learn to fuck (by fighting Brainiac?) and Batman telling Luthor he hopes he gets raped in prison. So exactly the way I'd expect a Frank Miller Superman comic book to end.

I wish I were right popular in high school.

Superman: Year One: Book Three Rating: What I learned from this comic book is that every woman in the DCU wants to fuck Superman and every man in the DCU is jealous of all the women Superman gets to fuck. What I also learned is that I should have read this series before purchasing Dark Knight Returns: The Golden Child. I'd still like to know what happened between Clark and Lori. I guess he just left her the same way he left Lana and the same way he left Wonder Woman (who he fell in love with immediately, I guess?).

Superman: Year One: Book Two

John Romita Jr finally giving up and sending this cover as finished: "Maybe all the fucking teeth will distract from Superman's leg."

Last issue ended with Superman joining the Navy. I know. I'm still fucking reeling from that revelation myself. Superman. In the Navy. I would type out the lyrics to The Village People song now but I'm afraid I don't actually know any of them and my version would just be a bunch of gay jokes. Oh, what the hell.

In the Navy! You can sail the seven seas!
In the Navy! You can get down on your knees!
In the Navy! In the Navy!

I should stop before I get too graphic about the Navy. I've had friends in the Army and the things they say Navy men do with sheep is simply disgusting. Although where do they get the sheep? Wouldn't those stories be more believable if they were about dolphins?

Maybe it was my friend in the Marines who told me the Navy's relationship with sheep. Probably to distract from all the rumors about what the Marines get up to with Navy men and their sheep.

My friend who was in the Navy never said anything about sheep which seems suspicious, right? Like he was hiding something! But he does have a habit of reciting poetry to people at parties which — let's face it — is more shameful than sheep fucking.

Hopefully nobody was upset about me seeming to make a joke out of being homosexual. Because I wasn't doing that! The Village People are gay so their songs are about gay lifestyle. Sure, I don't know the actual lyrics but at least I was keeping to the spirit of the group! Anyway, I don't think a man sucking another man's dick should be considered a gay act. It should simply be considered a lovely humanitarian thing to do for a friend.

No razor made by humans can cut Superman's hair! I bet he had to will his hair to fall out as they attempted to cut it.

The Navy officers pick Clark to train as a sniper because Clark doesn't know how to not be perfect at everything he does. I guess when Pa told him not to show off or to stand out, Clark wasn't really listening. But now that he's in the Navy, I guess he's contractually obligated to kill loads and loads of non-Americans with his super abilities.

I don't get this whole "Clark Kent joins the Navy" story arc. At first, I thought it was a way for Clark to meet Aquaman. Now I just think it's a way for Miller to showcase his weird sea-fucking kink.

If you've ever been to the ocean with Frank Miller, you've swam in his jizz.

I could never find the ocean sexy. The most terrifying experience I've ever had was getting caught on a boogie board out past the breakers of the Pacific after the sun went down. I had to constantly stop myself considering what might be lurking under the black mirrored surface of the ocean as I tried to keep calm and paddle back towards the lights of Santa Cruz. I was out there with my buddy Larry who killed himself earlier this year. My theory is that he never could get that nightmare experience out of his head. Or maybe it was depression. Sure, you're probably putting your money on depression. That's exactly something somebody who never floated on the ocean in the darkness of night would do.

Clark notices mermaids swimming out in the ocean and one of his officers is all, "Yeah, boy. Mermaids! Sometimes guys try to fuck 'em but then they drown and we report them lost at sea and nobody asks no questions. You got me?!" And Clark is all, "Yes, sir! Don't try to fuck the mermaids, sir!"

Clark decides that since he isn't allowed to fuck the mermaids, he should head into town and start a bar brawl. Clark meets a woman who's working on publishing a story about Navy guys who hang out in bars and defend women from civilians who get too handsy with female reporters. Clark once again finds himself overwhelmingly horny. Oh, not for the woman! But for the idea of being a reporter! He's just too young to realize that he's not into woman; he's into bylines and columns and exposés. But before he can fuck a newspaper, Clark blocks a punch some jerk throws at him, breaking the guy's arm (just like that fight he got in high school! Is this good writing where we see echoes of the character's past history or bad writing where the writer just can't think of new plot points? Who can tell?!), and starting an all out brawl. He walks the reporter home afterward, dreaming about that black ink coming off on his cock and balls.

The next day, the training officer threatens to shoot him for causing trouble. Seems like an appropriate response. I guess Clark is learning that the military doesn't keep anybody safe. It's just a violent place where young people with no real hope of succeeding in civilian life go to gain instant meaning and heroic praise from others. That's like the opposite of journalism where young people with lofty ideals about changing the world by exposing truth and justice go to never actually do that and instead just parrot the lies told them by politicians because they don't understand the difference between being impartial and simply being a loudspeaker for misinformation.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Frank Miller has me so confused. I mean, Clark Kent is in the Navy! What the fuck is going on in Superman's First Year?! Wait. This is all happening in just one year? It's because Superman grows super fast under a yellow sun, right?

After being treated like shit by his commanding officer, Clark decides to go fuck some mermaids. That'll show him!

Just another reason why Aquaman is a redundant piece of Justice League shit.

Why did DC decide to call this comic book "Superman: Year One"? I would have called it "Frank Miller's Stupid Version of Superman by Frank Miller."

Underwater, Clark Kent meets Lori Lemaris. She leads him back to Atlantis where an experimental submarine has crashed into the city. Also, I don't know if this will soon be an important plot point but Clark Kent is suddenly wearing a huge watch on his left wrist. Up until the moment he dives in the ocean, Clark has never worn a watch in this series. How else is he going to be dealing with Atlantis's problems when he'll suddenly look at his wrist and say, "Jeezly crow! I've got to get back to base! I'll be back tomorrow night to fuck more mermaids! And help rebuild if I'm not too sleepy afterward"?

"The smell of fish poontang washes across Clark's senses, threatening to remove him from Atlantis and plop him down in Boner City."

What kind of an editor takes a look at the previous panel and doesn't ask, "Why, out of nowhere, are you discussing Clark's ability to stifle his sense of smell to keep from being distracted in a panel that depicts Lori Lemaris's ass?" It's a fair question.

Clark looks at his watch and thinks, "Jeezly Crow! I've only got a few hours before bugle! I guess I can help rebuild Atlantis before then!"

Once again, Clark's reward for saving a woman in trouble is sex with that woman. This might be a problematic message. Clark saves Lana from violent men. Clark bangs Lana. Clark saves the reporter from violent men. Clark bangs the reporter. Clark saves Lori Lemaris's ruined city from violent men and their submarines. Clark bangs Lori. I always suspected that sex was an expected reward for acting chivalrous! Thanks, Frank Miller, for justifying all the times I called a woman a bitch because she wouldn't sleep with me after I saved her by beating up a guy that had just called her a bitch!

This is the Internet so I should probably explain that the previous sentence was a satirical critique of Miller's problematic message. I mean, sure, impressing a potential sexual partner is a good way to get that person interested in becoming your sexual partner! So the Lori Lemaris plea for Clark to fuck her hard after he helps isn't the worst depiction of a relationship. But having two other women saved by Clark from brutes who are threatening non-consensual sex reward Clark with sex is the worst depiction of a relationship. Also, the story doesn't explicitly state that Clark and the journalist from the bar have sex. But I can read between the panel breaks!

A critical review aside: Frank Miller's narration in this series is confusing. Sometimes it's in third person and then it flips over to first person without the current narrative thought changing at all. It reads as sloppy, probably because it is sloppy.

Clark and his fellow Navy SEAL recruits go on an emergency mission to kill some pirates. Clark watches a bunch of pirates get shot in the head but he doesn't pull the trigger so nobody can accuse him of having killed a man. In fact, he saves a bunch of men by holding a grenade in his hands as it blows. But because he refused to kill on command, he's discharged from the Navy. I guess the American military doesn't have time for people who won't follow an order to murder.

Before Clark leaves the Navy, his commanding officer decides to give him some good advice about using his talents to help put fires out instead of causing more. Odd advice coming from a guy so hell bent on threatening to kill Clark and screaming at Clark to kill everybody he meets. I guess he's a complex character!

After Clark leaves the Navy, he walks into the ocean to battle Poseidon for the hand of his daughter, Lori. Poseidon doesn't want Clark fucking his daughter because he wants to fuck his daughter. That's not something I made up the way I make up so many other things. Frank Miller made that bit up. I don't know why. Couldn't Poseidon have just not wanted his daughter marrying a non-Atlantean instead of making it about Poseidon wanting to be the only person fucking his daughter? Luckily Clark defeats Poseidon's Krakens so no father fucks their own daughter in this series, no matter how much I bet Frank Miller's original script read, "Poseidon fucks his daughter. A lot. Over and over. Oh boy! What a hit this comic is going to be!"

In the end, Poseidon leaves the throne to pout and plot his revenge against Clark and the entire surface world. Clark and Lori settle down to rule Atlantis for as long as it takes me to read the third and final issue where, I'm certain, Clark will leave Lori to pursue his true love: writing opinion pieces about Superman for the Daily Planet.

Superman: Year One: Book Two Rating: The first issue wasn't so bad that I didn't not want to read the second issue. But this issue was so terrible that I'm not sure I'll have the patience to write about the third issue. If I never post a review of the Book Three, it's because I just couldn't bare to think more than superficially about Frank Miller's writing. Also I might have simply thrown myself off of a building because John Romita Jr's art was so fucking terrible.

Superman: Year One: Book One

I can't wait to find out why Superman shoved Jim Gordon's head up his ass!

Most of the time, I don't think, "I fucking hate myself." But then I'll purchase a comic book written by Frank Miller and drawn by John Romita Jr. and I think, "Well, obviously I'm wrong about that."

I haven't been reading too many comic books lately because I've been reading Alan Moore's Jerusalem which is not a comic book at all but a 1300 page book. The thing about a 1300 page book is that 1300 is a lot of pages to read. It's a daunting task! Just ask anybody you know who has read 1300 pages. You probably don't know anybody because you only know comic book nerds and they only read regular books if they're called things like Secrets of the Marvel Universe and DC: They Ain't Fucking Marvel!. I've read both of those books and, let me tell you, they don't actually exist.

Anyway, Alan Moore's Jerusalem was fucking fantastic. No, no. It was fucking fucking fan-fucking-tastic! It was like eating a half gram of magic mushrooms and then sitting on the floor in the middle of a raucous house party, just absorbing the frantic movements and warbling sounds. Unless it was better than that. Although I can't think of anything better than that. Possibly the best time I ever had was sitting on the floor while on mushrooms in the middle of my friend Jason Beymer's house while his sister's rager erupted all around me. I was fucking content. I was the Buddha under the fig tree. I was Christ on the cross. I was Mohammad wherever Mohammad found his bliss. With his cougar first wife, maybe?

Technically I have yet to finish Jerusalem. There's a chapter called "Round the Bend" which was Moore's attempt to write his own version of Finnegans Wake. It's fucking insane and I'm slowly making my way through it with copious notes. I've created a table with three columns for my notes as I read the chapter slowly, one sentence at a time. In the first column, I type the original sentence. In the second column, I type my literal interpretation of the sentence. And in the third column, I discuss what both the text and the subtext might be suggesting. It's a brilliant piece of writing that I think is worth the extended amount of time I'll be devoting to it.

All that being said, I need a little reading downtime before I begin A.R. Moxon's The Revisionaries. So I'm reading Superman: Year One! This probably doesn't have any non-white-supremacy subtext at all! So it shouldn't be too hard to get through.

DC Comics printed Superman: Year One as a magazine sized book for their Black Label, um, label? What is it with DC and redundancy? "Hey, people already call us DC Comics to differentiate us from other DCs even if pedants often complain about how redundant it is. What if we really piss off the pedants by calling our new adult comic book line 'Black Label'? Then people will have to refer to the DC comic with the Black Label label on it!" probably said Dan DiDio. And then Geoff Johns was all, "Man, I hate when I'm sexing my hot lover and my hot lover is all, 'Let's do ATM mouth!' Idiot!"

Dammit! I was making a point when I fucking interrupted myself with my DC offices fan fiction. I was going to point out how I'm going to be severely disappointed when there aren't any boobs or vaginas or dicks in this comic book. The only time I ever read magazine sized comic books was when I wanted to jerk off to cartoons and picked up a copy of Heavy Metal.

The story begins as all stories do: with the death of a planet and a small baby being shoved into a rocket and shot off into space. This baby understands way more than I think most babies tend to understand. It's hard to know for sure because nobody remembers being a baby and science doesn't really understand things like brains and babies and baby's brains. But this baby is a science fiction baby from another planet so I really can't complain if it already knows concepts like "partying" and "celebrating" and "donkey punching" and "billions of stars." Those are probably all concepts on the Kryptonian See and Say toy.

Before the baby exits the rocket after landing in a field in rural Kansas (that's the part of Kansas that isn't Kansas City or Wichita), the rocket speaks to him. I'm pretty sure it's his dad speaking to him in a recording since it calls him "my son" but I don't want to make any assumptions that might leave me vulnerable with Interent critics who like to criticize other Internet critics. Maybe the rocket thinks it's the baby's mother and is about to give birth to it on its new homeworld. Anyway, the voice tells the baby to wake up because "a world awaits. A world that needs you. A world you must save [...] from itself." I mean, really? Was that a necessary part of the story? Did the baby need that kind of pressure and meaning forced onto it so soon in its young life? And how, by the way, did the baby's dad or rocket ship know that this world needed to be saved? Was he (or it!) just projecting Krypton's terrible history onto this new planet? Obviously if it's a planet, it's going to need to be saved because the people on it are just going to ignore the mad scientists when they say the world is dying.

Seriously though! Why begin the comic book by telling Superbaby that he needs to save this world from itself? It seems like a clunky way of trying to force all of what makes Superman special into a few brief lines. "Hey, reader! Superman is here to save the world! It's his destiny!" How about just letting Superbaby have a father who was grateful that he could save his child from Krypton's destruction? Then you let Superbaby grow up and learn, from his Earth parents, right and wrong. Let him learn about truth and justice. Let him learn empathy and compassion. Then when he makes the choice to sacrifice a huge part of his existence in making Earth a better place, ita actually means something. But having a recorded message tell him he needs to save the world from itself before he's even learned not to shit his own pants seems a bit of crap writing desperate to make thematic points.

Jonathan Kent isn't a kind and generous man who wanted to take care of a baby. I mean, maybe he was but what does it even matter if something else is manipulating his actions?

Do audiences enjoy stories where characters are manipulated by Gods or destiny to become the thing they're meant to become to do the thing they're meant to do or is this just writers being too lazy to let a story tell itself along the way? My view of audiences would be severely diminished if it could get any lower and also if I were to believe they preferred stories about Chosen Ones rather than regular people who rise to the occasion to do something heroic. What makes a story better if we learn that the hero was always meant to be the hero? Isn't it more rewarding to have heroes like Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee who struggled to do what was right with no guarantee that they were cosmically destined to succeed? The only thing this whole idea that there has to be some thing (or Thing) manipulating events from behind the curtain is remove free will from the hero's actions, thus making the hero nothing more than an automaton programmed to succeed.

Jonathan brings the baby home and Martha is all, "Whelp! I guess we have a kid now! Praise Jesus!" And Jon is all, "Praise Jesus and his might rocket ship from Heaven!" And both of them feel slightly guilty because of all the times they cursed God for giving them faulty reproductive organs. Jon and Martha are still young so at least they can pretend that they kept faith that God would provide them a child. But I bet if they had been creeping up on the age of Abraham when he finally boinked the help, they would have fucked up God's plan too!

Jon and Martha quickly begin calling each other Ma and Pa because why not? It's not like anybody is going to somehow come along and take their new space baby away from them! They found it and so it's as good as theirs. It's not like Kansas has any laws on the books that say you can't keep a baby you found in a field that fell out of the sky in an alien rocket ship. Are there? Probably not, right? And even if there are, nobody in town seems to question where the fuck Jon and Martha got a kid.

Oh yeah. I'm supposed to believe Clark can feel hot oatmeal. What flavor is it? Kryptonite? I mean, it is green.

Stupid penis! Every time I turn the page, it keeps thinking we're going to see thick chicks on space motorcycles with their tits flopping out and huge bushes streaming out from between their thighs! This isn't Heavy Metal, you stupid organ! I blame my brain for constantly thinking while reading this, "This comic book magazine sure would be better with more tits."

Between being a toddler and the first day of high school, nothing important happens. I mean, some important things probably happen. Like Clark's first wet dream. But Frank Miller doesn't think that's important enough to make the story. I don't know why. I want to see Ma asking Kent why he hid his sheets out in the field and also why he was re=plastering the ceiling of his bedroom.

In high school, all the kids start talking about how amazing Clark Kent is. But he hangs out with the fat kid and the goth kid and the other kids that are probably losers in ways that I can't tell by John Romita Jr's art. They all just kind of look like John Romita Jr people. I think they others are misfits because one wears glasses and the other one is black and the other one is Latino. That just means they don't fit in with the white rural farm kids, I guess? I don't know how high school works in rural America. I grew up in Silicon Valley. Our nerds were the white kids who played Dungeons and Dragons. Our popular kids were the Filipinos who were style conscious when most of us still weren't wearing deodorant or washing our hair regularly enough. I would see them hanging out at lunch and think, "How do they get their hair to stay so high and look so good?!" If only I had known that part of that answer was simply, "They wash it regularly," maybe I wouldn't have been a big misfit loser jerk!

Clark sees the bullies picking on little Pete Ross (you have to say that in a high-pitched sneering voice. Unless you don't want to be a bully. Do you not want to be a bully?) and decides, "Enough is enough!" Even though he's not supposed to stand out or else the government will take him away to do experiments on him, he has to end the rash of bullying at Smallville High School! This looks like a job for Clark Kent! I don't think he's decided to call himself Superboy yet.

Apparently nobody in town knows how to stop a bunch of asshole kids from bullying other kids. It's just one of those Earth problems that can't be solved by Earthlings! It must be Clark Kent's destiny to stop bullying once and for all! And that's what Clark does. He takes the novel approach that nobody thought of and asks the bullies, "Hey? Could you stop picking on my friends?" Sure, that doesn't work. They just see it as Clark starting a fight. So they oblige him and throw a few punches. Clark blocks one and the bully's wrist breaks. So now the bullies realize they can't win and stop bullying! Yay!

Except they don't. They just bully even harder because why not? They're shitting on other people because their life is shit. Why would they not increase the shitting if something happened in their life to make their life even shittier?! Something like Clark "Break a Boy's Bones" Kent!

Why do they seem so happy about Carlos being called a spic and getting his tooth knocked out?! Fucking asshole weirdos!

Lana tells Clark she has a plan to stop the bullies. Her plan involves journalism! She has pictures of the bullies assaulting the weirdos and she thinks they can get the police to listen to them. But the goth weirdo overhears their plans and he's a big weirdo traitor! I guess if he snitches on the weirdos, he doesn't get beat up. I bet he's going to become a supervillain some day.

When Lana leaves her house at night thinking she's going to meet Clark, she's set upon by the bullies! They steal her pictures and threaten to rape her. These aren't just bullies! They're criminal psychopaths and I'm sorry I tried to understand their bully behavior earlier! I was thinking, "Maybe this story will be about the ambiguities of youth and how hard it is to navigate the world between childhood and adulthood, especially when you have serious issues with your parents and home life and self-esteem!" Instead I should have been thinking, "Clark and the weirdos are Good with a capital "G" and the bullies are Evil with a capital "E"! Hopefully the story will make this explicit so that I can truly just hate the bullies and not mind when Clark drowns them in the reservoir! And the best way for a narrative to help me understand how evil they are is if they commit attempted rape!" Whew! I sure am glad to know that whatever Clark does to them now, they totally deserve it! I'd hate for Clark to have to come up with a real life solution that stops the bullying and teaches the bullies how to cope with their own problems without resorting to small violences against other kids!

After saving Lana from being raped, Clark seems to insinuate that maybe Lana should fuck him as thanks. He's all, "Let me court you!" And she's all, "Whatever." And he's all, "Sleep tight!" And she's all, "Yeah. Sure. I'll sleep. Tight." I think that means she's going to masturbate? I'm not good at sexual innuendo but I figured it must be because the very next panel begins like this:

That's definitely sexual innuendo!

Kent forgets that he's supposed to be stopping the bullies because he starts dating Lana. They sneak off and Clark closes his eyes and pulls out his penis and is all, "Just touch it Lana!" And she's all, "Mmmph mmph mmmph!" And he's all, "Please! Just touch it!" And she's all, "Mmph mmmph mmph!" And he opens his eyes and realizes his penis is in Lana's mouth and he blows her brains all over the field with his load.

Later, after my fantasy is concluded, I return to the actual story where they only kiss. Lame.

After high school ends, Clark joins the navy. But not after banging Lana Lang all night! And that's not something I made up! It's right there in the comic book!

Superman: Year One: Book One Rating: It was a bit treacly but not super bad. Ha ha!. But I still don't know if the bullies ever got their comeuppance! Was I supposed to be satisfied with Clark bloodying a few noses and then saying to Lana, "We'll use reporting to get them good!"? How disappointing!

Suicide Squad #11

So nobody else is going to do it? It's up to me to tell John Romita Jr that he is a terrible artist? Fine.

• I was so happy when I realized John Romita Jr. wasn't on All Star Batman anymore that I forgot that would free him up to shit all over a different comic book. I guess Jim Lee finally remembered that art deadlines were a pain in the ass and he just went back to doing whatever the hell other crap he does at DC Comics. His main job right now is probably telling Warren Ellis all about how he has to hit his monthly deadline on The Wild Storm, the hypocrite.

• Based on the first page with Amanda Waller sitting in the shadows and drinking scotch, I'm going to theorize that John Romita Jr. does not know how to draw fat people. Which means Amanda gets to be skinny again, I guess. That's probably easier than somebody having to say to Romita, "I read your father's comics. I jerked off over his art. I played that stupid Scott Adams Incredible Hulk adventure game for his art. Johnny boy, you're no John Romita Sr!" I'm sure if anybody criticizes Romita's art, even if they're paying him and have a right to, he probably just mutters, "I fucking did Kick Ass. KICK ASS, MOTHERFUCKER! I don't need this shit!" Then enraged, he probably scribbles all over the art he was working on and the person criticizing him glances at it and thinks, "Hmm, better!"

• Suddenly Amanda Waller is really into chess analogies. Does she know she doesn't work for Checkmate?

• Apparently, Justice League vs. Suicide Squad isn't over. Now the Suicide Squad has to deal with an angry Rustam looking to get even with the Suicide Squad. That's disappointing. This was one of the few books that consistently had the team actively pursuing an agenda instead of just falling back on their heels and defending themselves from an outside attack. Although, in the end, don't all of these Suicide Squad stories simply amount to Amanda Waller manipulating a bunch of people to pursue her own needs? Like now! She'll use the Squad to protect her from Rustam.

• The Squad is currently in Tibet pursuing one of those agendas I mentioned they're constantly pursuing. I can't think of any reason they'd be in Tibet. Maybe they need Yak fur?

Why work on an interesting or convoluted plot when you can just break it down into its simplest component parts? Killing people for freedom! America!

• Look at Deadshot in that above panel. How the hell does he see out of the scope on that mask? Who has eyes placed that far on the outside of their face?! Has John Romita Jr. ever actually seen the face of a person?

• Everybody's costume is different. The pretend reason is that they're all wearing their Tibetan Attack Action Figure outfits. The real reason is almost certainly that John Romita Jr. decided he didn't need any reference pictures and maybe even threatened to quit if the editor didn't stop criticizing his work.

• As the Suicide Squad begins killing the bad guy bastards, one of them yells, "They've found us! Wipe the hard drive! Do it now!" I guess they're busting a Tibetan child pornography ring.

• Nobody is close enough to the computer to wipe the files. Seems like a mistake since yelling "They've found us!" suggests they knew somebody was looking for them. Luckily, the computer was built with a "Delete Hard drive?" section with two big buttons, Y and N. Although why would you need the N? The question and buttons would still be there waiting for somebody to press the Y! Unluckily, the guy trying to wipe the hard drive knows too much about the Suicide Squad for his own good.

I don't think the whole Task Force X philosophy is working. Everybody knows they work for the United States government. And even if they can't prove it, the results of Squad missions always seem to be advantageous to the United States.

• Harcourt is currently in charge of the Squad because Romita can't draw fat people.

• I don't know what has happened to Rob Williams but he's decided the Suicide Squad is a farce. Killer Croc is shyly admitting his love to Enchantress. Enchantress is spouting over-the-top semi-intelligent death metal lyrics. The souls in Katana's sword are dying to go shopping. And Harley is still acting in that trying too hard whimsical way to show that her insanity places her outside of fear. I don't mind if the Suicide Squad becomes a dark comedy. But this writing with the tongue firmly in the cheek is as terrible as Harley's solo comic book. I love a comic book that makes me laugh. But I abhor a comic book that tries to make me laugh and doesn't even come close.

• Meanwhile, Rustam blows one wall on Blackgate Penitentiary and all of the criminals go free. Serves Blackgate right for letting all of the inmates hang out in the outer courtyard of the prison at night.

• Even though Jim Lee isn't currently doing the art on this book, it's still split into two stories. The next story gets to focus more on Amanda Waller because Eddy Barrows is doing the pencils and he can sort of draw a slightly larger than skinny woman.

• The second story begins with Amanda telling her sad story to General Zod. Zod, for some reason, has been removed from his Phantom Zone Sphere. There will probably be plot reasons later that necessitated this change.

• This second story takes place after the first one. The Squad has been given a night off and they're spending it in New Orleans. Amanda decides to go join them.

"Been sat here." Rob Williams just outed himself as a Brit! Not that he was probably trying to hide it. But Flag would never say "been sat here"!

• Waller takes a walk down a dark alley and gets shot by some guy wielding two pistols. I guess she just got killed by Grifter. Does he still exist in this universe? Bah, it was probably somebody else. So I guess she's dead now. She totally seems like a good candidate for the first character to die and stay dead in the Suicide Squad. No tricks here!

The Ranking!
-1! The writing was not enjoyable and the art was terrible.

All Star Batman #4

How often do we get to see the Bat-Chainsaw?

Batman and Harvey Dent continue their wacky road trip. Along for the ride during this section are Duke Thomas and a bunch of Talons. The Talons aren't as hard to defeat this time as they were during that Night of Them. Mostly because they need to be gone by the end of the issue. That's because it's time for The (KG)Beast to return! He manages to capture Batman and Harvey and Duke so he can turn them over to the guys more desperate than anybody to stop Batman and Harvey: The Penguin, The Black Mask, and that other guy with the white face. Oh, Great White! The transfer of prisoners doesn't go so well because it's interrupted by the next group of villains going after Batman to shut up Harvey Dent. I know you're thinking I'm going to give this great reveal as to who the villain is, like Hush or Wrath or King Tut, but I'm not. It's just a bunch of regular people with guns desperate not to let their secretest of secrets out into the world. I suppose if they're this desperate, we can assume they're all pedophiles.

What Did Batman Learn?
Batman is learning that people are just as awful and desperate as they've always been. He's practically the only that has ever risen above his basest nature and become willing to sacrifice his happiness for the betterment of all mankind. Or all Gothamkind, really. He's learning that his faith in them was misguided. He's learning that we're all dicks, especially Superman who could have easily flown Batman and Two-Face to wherever Batman is taking Harvey. I suppose Batman was too stubborn to ask.

The Ranking!
No change. John Romita Jr.'s art is still terrible. It's weird how I accepted his art for what it was when he was working on Kick Ass and Hitgirl, even when he drew the worst monster trucks and automatic weapons. But now that he's drawing DC characters who I've been reading my entire life? I can't abide his style.

All-Star Batman #3

What was Duke's superhero name again? Meadowlark? It's not like anybody has ever mentioned it.

The Review!
Whatever Batman is trying to prove had better be more spectacular than learning the meaning of life. Because a lot of people are paying a pretty high price for Batman's stubbornness. Batman might feel good about himself because he doesn't kill but he should feel bad about himself because he never takes responsibility for the consequences of his actions. Batman could have chosen to let Harvey Dent go so that Harvey Dent wouldn't ruin everybody's lives. But instead of realizing his friend might not want help and that maybe it's time to just let his friend go, Batman chooses to accept the lives of everybody in Gotham being ruined as well as all the death and chaos that comes from every villain in the DCU chasing him down in exchange for his friend getting better. If I were Alfred, I would just hand Bruce a pistol and a copy of Of Mice and Men with a Post-It Note that reads, "Harvey Dent Problem Solving Kit".

This issue guest stars KGBeast, The Royal Flush Gang, Harold Allnut, and a band of ex-Arkham inmates called Batman's Asshole. Or Batman's Testicles. Or Batman's Fucked. Or Batman's Cunt. I think Batman's Asshole is my favorite choice for whatever Batman's @^$&@ actually stands for.

Batman manages to ease everybody a little further on down the road before trouble once again rears it's ugly two-faced head in the guise of, well, um, Two-face. I kind of blew that reveal, didn't I? Anyway, Two-Face gets the jump on Batman and Meadowlark (in his lemon outfit) and winds up pouring acid all over Batman's face. Well, over his cowl, anyway. Which means that Batman's cowl's lenses have been destroyed and Batman will be blind unless he wants to take off his cowl! Which he totally probably won't! Although I'll be severely disappointed if Batman can plan ahead so well that he keeps a Batarang strapped to his back whose sole purpose, it would seem, is to attach a tree trunk to Killer Croc's chest but he doesn't keep a regular, run-of-the-mill spandex cowl underneath his high tech cowl.

I'm fairly certain I'm going to be severely disappointed next month.

The Ranking!
No change! The story might be fun if you can get past how ridiculous the entire premise is and also that Batman would put this many people at risk for whatever he's trying to do. It might be less ridiculous if Batman could articulate why doing what he's doing is so important. Also, John Romita Jr's art is terrible. There's a back-up story that helps to justify the inflated cover price but I don't really find it's worth mentioning.

Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade

The Joker is a messy eater.

The Review!
In some ways, this story feels like it was written less by Brian Azzarello and more by Frank Miller. It just doesn't have the nuance of Azzarello in the dialogue. The writing feels a bit blunt and broad-minded. It's also possible that I was simply put off by John Romita Jr.'s art so I put on my grumpy pants and refused to thoroughly enjoy the story. The story itself is about how Batman is as much at fault for Jason Todd's death as The Joker is. I think. That might be the story and even though that wasn't the story in the regular DC Universe, it's the take that maybe the current Jason Todd needs to be true. Batman never said the things Jason needed to hear. Batman simply treated Jason as another Bat-Gadget. Batman was always telling Jason to not do things or to stop doing things a certain way. Batman never told Jason that he had the potential and gifts to someday (and a very soon some day too!) be a great Batman. Batman never fucking hugged the poor kid! And while maybe this is the story that makes more sense of Jason Todd's relationship with Batman, I'm not sure it's the story I want. I suppose Batman is distant and cold and closed off from emotion. He allows Alfred to take on that role for him. But do I want my Batman to be so justice-minded that he lacks the empathy to treat close friends and acquaintances in a kind and, if not loving, at least compassionate way? Does that dilute the power of The Batman? I would hope it would only strengthen him. But then this story isn't really about Jason, is it? It's more about Batman and his failings and learning from those failures. It's just too bad for Jason Todd that he had to be a plot device to help Batman grow!

The Commentary!
Everybody wants to write a Final Joker story. I don't know if this is one of those but it has the Joker on the cover and the word "last" so it probably is. I would make a great cop! I jumped to a conclusion and then found two clues to support that conclusion and that's all the evidence I need to arrest the bastard!

This issue is based on Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. I provided that information for people who forgot to read the cover. I wish I remember The Dark Knight Returns better since it a seminal fluid comic book that everybody else seems to lose their shit when they remember all of the apparently great details in it. I think in Miller's story, The Joker and Batman had sex on a carnival ride. This must be the aftermath of that encounter.

The story begins with The Joker being thrown back into Arkham. Well, that's that! He'll never get out of Arkham! Is this going to be one of those Batman stories where Batman goes into Arkham as a metaphor for delving deep into his subconscious until he comes face to face with The Joker and then realizes it's really a mirror? I suppose it could also be one of those other Arkham stories where The Joker escapes. Those are a lot more common. But judging by the cover, Batman and Robin will be coming to him. Maybe they need him to Hannibal Lecter something for them. I hope Carrie Kelley doesn't get hit in the face by The Mad Hatter's semen!

It turns out this story takes place much earlier than the events in the original Dark Knight series. Jason Todd is the current Robin so maybe this is the Final Jason Todd story! But since it's current and in the Dark Knight Universe, it will probably be a lot more entertaining than that whole Death in the Family garbage from the eighties. Unless it was the nineties. Maybe Jason Todd will be the one to take the metaphorical journey into his subconscious as Arkham where he'll eventually come face to face with The Joker where he realizes it's really the audience!

The media have decided to question Batman's policy of putting children in the line of maniacs. Batman catches wind of it and is all, "But I'm a good guy! Stop criticizing me!" Alfred is all, "Do you need somebody killed for this?" And Batman is all, "No, just...you know. Go polish something."

This book reminds me of that quote about how many men must walk down a road before you can call it a road. Mostly because I just thought of that quote while reading this book and thought, "Does that fit? Does that make sense? It must, right? Or else why would my brain bring it up!"

While the media questions why Batman would train a young person to put themselves in danger, Batman's back is all, "You're too old for this shit! Get a young person in here!" So it's that most ancient of all arguments! I'm not sure exactly what the argument is but it has something to do with old versus young and how the young waste their potential but only realize it once they're old and then the old version of them is all, "Young people are stupid because I was once a stupid young person!" Meanwhile the young people who actually spent their youth in a manner they could live with never grew old because they probably died in a base jumping accident. Then young people look at older people and think "Why are they so grouchy and boring?!" because only the grouchy and boring ones survive to look down their wrinkled noses at the youth. All the cool ones died awesomely when their aging bodies eventually betrayed them.

I think that explains why Batman needs to train a young person to do his job. It's kind of a different reason for Batman needing Robin then the usual reason that Batman needed somebody in bright clothing for the bad guys to shoot at instead of shooting at him. Or maybe the reason was that Robin was Batman's version of Prozac?

If you're wondering why I haven't scanned any artwork yet, it's because I'm afraid DC Comics will send me a cease and desist! No, wait. It's actually because this comic book's physical format makes it really hard to scan pictures. I could take pictures of them but that's totally amateur hour! What am I? A fckuging amataeru? Hardy!

The night after catching The Joker, Batman and Robin head out to catch more of The Joker's gang. During the battle, Jason Todd smashes a guy's head in the door of an overturned van that was catching fire. He saves Batman's life doing it, so Batman understands that sometimes casualties will happen. And it's not like Batman blames himself or Robin for any deaths! If a bad guy dies while Batman tries to apprehend them with explosives and lethal Batarangs and extreme violence, it's the bad guy's fault for not being prepared to live through explosions and blunt objects and sharp objects and Batman's fists of justice!

See? The bad guys are at fault for being too amateurish to reinforce their van against Batman's explosives! Dummies!

I basically ruined the spine of my comic book scanning that panel. Maybe it's more professional to just take a picture of the book! Or perhaps I should be buying them digitally? No way! What am I? A young person?! My world is physical comic books and living in a maze of stacked up comic book boxes in every room! So much better!

I have a theory about the popularity of Young Adult literature that I probably shouldn't bury in the middle of this review but I will anyway. I feel it's popular because the genre usually presents a black and white world where somebody who is a literal unique snowflake and literally doesn't fit in literally sees the literal right way things should be and works toward making the world a better place while also making the reader feel represented. Adult literature is way too ambiguous (and I don't mean fuck books about fucking! Although those are good too and often ambiguous as well). Because the real challenges in life aren't about rising up against an obviously oppressive status quo to make the world a better place, even though your sister and some of your friends might die in the process. People in the real world aren't background automatons brainwashed by the oppressive culture in which they live that need to be led to freedom by one spunky, thoughtful teenager and her friends! People in the real world are complicated by their coping mechanisms and the strategies they've come up with to survive. If only there were a single bad man to bring down to make everything better! If only there were one perfect solution to create a utopia that would make happy each single individual with different views, dreams, backgrounds, and hopes. Although maybe I'm reading Young Adult books incorrectly! Maybe The Lord of the Rings wasn't about bringing down the ultimate bad guy and making the world a safer place for men and hobbits (but not elves!) to live! Maybe it's actually about how travel makes a person less ignorant! And maybe The Hunger Games wasn't about bringing down a fascist regime but about how young people are quickly swept up into events out of their control as they enter adulthood where they get to make fewer and fewer of their own decisions and simply begin to just try to control the aspects of their lives they're able to control! And maybe the Divergent series wasn't about how young people who don't fit into society are actually better than everybody else and go on an adventure to prove that they're better and more creative and totally way more important than those stupid jocks and cheerleadgers! Maybe it was about...well, I don't know what it was about because I liked feeling like I was divergent and that I was better than everybody else because I totally didn't fit into society's fucking square holes! Or maybe Uglies wasn't about flipping the bird to society's conventional beauty standard and was actually about...no, I think that's probably exactly what it was about. I guess all of these Young Adult books are simply about making kids who don't fit in feel like they're better than everybody else. Because you know who reads? Kids who don't fit in! So lets write a bunch of books to make them feel good!

I may have lost my point somewhere in that paragraph but that's my style! Pointless!

Back to The Last Crusade, The Joker begins telling a story about a boy. "Etch a Pooh air," he begins. Although this story isn't about a boy who died soon after childbirth and was thus given a heroic story by his insane mother, written on reams of paper given to her to write letters to her first son Johnny, and sent to an old lover of hers named Zampano who may or may not have been the brother of her husband because it's really unclear how Pelafina knew Zampano at all although it was clear that she did know and love him. This story is about a boy born with a broken neck! The Joker's story is like one of those Young Adult books I was talking about. The broken necked kid was able to see things differently than everybody else because his head turned around more or something. But that was no good! Society hates those who see things differently! And so the doctors fixed his neck and made him normal and that was a true tragedy! They took away his individuality! They took away his power! They took away everything that made him McMurphy McMurphy except for his influence which is why the story isn't really about McMurphy at all but about Chief Broom who manages to escape those damned doctors!

Bruce finds his way into Selina's vagina and is all, "We can't have romantic times yet! I'm still training Jason Todd!" And Selina is all, "Fine! Fine! I'll put the Catsuit back on. But you know I'm feeling old too, old man! Don't expect any back flips onto your penis!"

Meanwhile, Jason Todd continues to delay Bruce's retirement.

Maybe this book isn't about Jason Todd being killed by The Joker at all! Maybe this book is about Batman paying The Joker to kill Jason Todd because Batman is old and tired and want an excuse to quit! And if Jason Todd isn't going to be the Batman Bruce wants him to be, Bruce will have to train a new Robin which could take more years than Bruce has left in him. But if Robin dies under his watch, he can pretend he's hanging up the cape out of mourning and respect!

Poison Ivy is running some scam where she makes rich people love her so that they give her their money. That's the story acting like the main story while The Joker escaping Arkham is pretending to be the B-Plot.

Hate! It's a circle that turns round upon itself!

The previous panel sent me on a quest to watch my favorite two math Schoolhouse Rock videos, Little Twelve Toes and Good Eleven. Little Twelve Toes blew my mind as a kid and Good Eleven, for whatever the fucking reason, makes me cry tears of pure joy. I'm crying right now after having watched it. If I could just distill whatever that fucking song does to me into pill form, I'd be a fucking wreck, probably. "Hey, Tess, why are you crying?!" "Never gave me any trouble til after nine!"

Batman and Robin stop Poison Ivy but Bruce is beaten near to death by Killer Croc in the brawl. As Bruce is bandaged by Alfred later that night, Bruce finds out The Joker is loose again and he's in no shape to stop him. And he doesn't believe Jason is either. So he tells Jason to go to bed and let The Joker do whatever The Joker is going to do anyway. It's just a regular night in Gotham where people are going to be tormented and killed by some maniac. Does it really matter if it happens to be The Joker?

Robin goes out against Batman's orders and is taken by The Joker as the story ends. As Jason is searching for The Joker, Bruce and Alfred discuss their future plans for Jason. They're things that maybe should have been said to Jason and maybe he wouldn't have felt he needed to simply disobey Bruce's orders and commands. Maybe Jason would have survived to be a great Batman had Bruce simply treated him like a partner or a son or a peer instead of a lump of clay or a cadet or an attack dog. And so Jason goes off to his death because Batman forgets to chain him in the yard. Or, you know, treat him like a human being, I guess?

Superman #44

"Lies" would be the perfect title to reveal that all the Superman stories since The New 52 began were just Lex Luthor Fanfiction.

Superman has lost his powers and is now mad at Lois Lane for stupid CW Arrow reasons. And since this story takes place before the stories in the other Superman comic books, things are just going to get worse for Superman as well as any readers who decided to hold off reading the other comics until "Before Truth" was over.

For now, Clark is just discovering how much everybody in the DC Youniverse hates his Kryptonian guts, or whatever it is those gross aliens have in their indestructible bellies. Probably just organs for stealing jobs and seducing Earth women.

The first people to make Clark feel unwelcome are the Royal Flush Gang. The second people are the police who try to arrest him for comic book reasons. Those reasons go something like this: Superman is cool as long as he's just Superman. But if Superman is sometimes somebody else, he's not cool but dangerous instead. Um, that's it. That's the whole argument. It probably makes sense to people smarter than me.

The third person to make Clark feel like an ass is Livewire. For some reason, she's taken some people at the Daily Planet hostage. I guess she wants Superman to get angry and kick her ass. Why else would she be threatening the people at his place of work? If I were a super villain and I discovered that Superman worked at McDonald's, I would stop going to McDonald's. I would not do any crime near McDonald's. I would not commit any crime in the city in which that McDonald's is located. What I would not do is instantly go cause trouble at that McDonald's. Livewire is an idiot.

Livewire's friends are also idiots.

I'm not sure what Killer Croc is doing out of Gotham and away from the displaced people he protects. I'm sure he has a logical reason for pissing off Superman that isn't simply that he's recognizable enough to throw on the cover. He might also still be possessed by Xa-Du. They're all probably possessed by Xa-Du!

Perry gets wounded as Superman subdues the bad guys which is probably why Perry is so pissed at him later. Either that or everybody just forgot that he isn't J. Jonah Jameson.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

After Superman realizes everybody in the world is a complete douchebag, he puts out a video threatening everybody if they do anybody he loves any harm. You know, instead of releasing a compassionate, thoughtful video discussing how he grew up as Clark Kent and how Clark Kent is not a lie. Instead of reaching out to garner people's sympathy, he simply stokes their fear. Good job, asshole. You're no Superman! You haven't been Superman since The New 52 began!

Superman #44 Rating: -2 Ranking. I guess angry Superman hated by everybody on Earth is the Superman the fans of DC Comics deserve. I don't know what we did to deserve this version of Superman but since it's the one DC Comics is giving us, we must deserve it, right?! Where do I go to repent whatever sins caused this so that I can get a Superman who cares about people, who's compassionate, who has a never ending supply of patience, and who manages to retain the powers that should allow him to be the most non-violent superhero in comics? At least if he has to have problems, can y'all make them believable? Because I'm just not buying this whole thing where everybody hates Superman now that they know he has a secret identity. The population of DC's Earth aren't only xenophobic assholes, they're idiots to boot.

Superman #43

All of the Superman covers shouldn't match when one story takes place before the others. It sends the wrong message. That message being, "Ha ha! You stupid fucking idiots should have waited to read these in the trades so you could get the story in the right order! Jerks!"

This issue begins with Clark waking up in bed with Lois Lane. HEY-O! Except Lois has all of her clothes on (including her boots) and is lying on top of the covers and is facing away from him with her arms wrapped around her body in the universal body language of "I know he's going to poke me in the back with his penis and the instant that happens I'm out the fucking door." Although Lois did choose to sleep in bed with a naked Clark, so maybe she was hoping that might happen and she was just wearing all of her clothing so that if it didn't happen, she could point out how she totally didn't want anything to happen either or why else would she have been wearing her boots and why was the condom in her pocket and not on the bedside table ready to go? I mean, Jimmy could have been the one sleeping next to Clark, right?

Headcanon that Clark has a massive penis proven true. No need to also prove that Clark is uncircumcised because what mohel could have cut through that foreskin? If Superman wanted to convert to Judaism, he'd have to burn it off with his heat vision.

Lois feeds Clark a microwaveable dinner and then asks him all of the tough questions like "Would I suffer internal bleeding if we were to have sex?" and "Do you have to masturbate into your cape to prevent the semen from shooting shotgun like through the wall and accidentally killing a neighbor?" Although I might have to question her journalistic credentials when she asks him if he might someday go rogue. Does she forget the times he's been mind-controlled? Did she not hear about that time he was hopped up on Joker venom? What about when he was infected by the Doomsday virus? She wrote like ten shitty articles about that event alone! She also never even waits for him to answer her questions. Some reporter!

This conversation backs up the idea that Clark gives Lois the okay to print his identity to keep HORDR from using it against him. And then Superman finds out that the regular people of the DC Youniverse are just as stupid and fearful as the citizens of that universe where the X-men live.

Lois tells Clark she'll keep his secret and then admits that she almost fell in love with Clark. Clark's sudden boner spills the Lean Cuisine all over the floor. But since Lois is busy wiping her tears away, she misses it and then Clark distracts her by asking her to stab him with a fork. He's really into some weird shit.

Jimmy Olsen feels sick and throws up through his nose. Ugh. That's the worst. He also vomits a mechanical man! Afterward, he passes by Lois's open door as he and Condesa go to rest downstairs.

See? Welcome to Boner Town, Lois Lane!

Lois's fork sticks into Clark's arm because his powers still aren't back after his last use of the Solar Flare power. That's because some of his power was stolen when he used the flare last issue. That's why he's so powerless in the other titles right now. Although just how powerless he's become is based on how much power Greg Pak needs him to have at any specific moment during the story. It makes for really tense and dramatic moments since the reader has no idea if Clark will die every time he's punched by a shadow monster!

The little robot Jimmy puked up attaches itself to Lois's phone and becomes a super cute way to FaceTime your friends. HORDR appears on Lois's phone to let Clark know that he still has enough files to expose Superman's secret and that maybe Clark should just accept working with him already. So that will probably be reason enough for Superman to ask Lois to write the article so they can control the spin as much as possible. Which, obviously, doesn't wind up working how Clark thought it would.

Clark decides to meet up with HORDR as Lois investigates HORDR to find his weaknesses. I bet his weaknesses are acne and video games and high school bullies and a penchant for popping boners at the most inappropriate times. He also says "sort of" constantly which will eventually give him away.

Clark meets up with HORDR who takes him inside a mountain. Lois sneaks in behind by accessing it with her HORDR_MASK programmed by Condesa last issue. It's up to Lois to save the day! Probably. I mean, what can Clark really do without his super powers? Since The New 52 began, the only way he ever seems to be able to defeat anybody is by punching them as hard as he can. He hasn't had to rely on his smarts before. So now that he's shackled to a chair surrounded by a bunch of "Quarmers," beings who store energy like Superman Solar Flares, Superman doesn't have the skills to escape.

When Lois sees what they're doing to Clark, she puts out her story about his identity. Lois tells the world so that HORDR has no way to manipulate Clark. Also she knew she'd win a Pulitzer for this shit and no way Perry White can deny a hefty bump in her salary after this. No wait. She'll probably be fired since she releases the story into cyberspace as opposed to giving the Daily Planet the exclusive rights to it. No way Perry will forgive that mistake. Pretty much the entire internet's reaction is, "Hrm. I pretty much knew that already."

What has General Lane been doing? Just following Superman around waiting for an excuse to murder him?

Superman #43 Rating: No change. Well shit. I was with this issue right up until the end. I think it would have made for a better story to have Superman realize that he was putting more people in danger by being manipulated by an unknown madman than to have his identity exposed, therefore allowing Lois to expose his identity. I was hoping Superman would be smarter than his usual "I can handle everything myself" way of approaching problems. I was hoping that somehow this story wouldn't just become the story it obviously had to become considering the shitstorms happening in the other Superman titles. Tomasi actually did his best to explain why everybody is suddenly so worried about Superman having a secret identity, and I commend him for at least broaching the subject and trying to explain away the entire world's irrational reaction to Superman keeping a secret identity. It helps mitigate my anger toward DC's belief that everybody in their Youniverse without super powers is a fearful, xenophobic asshole who can't understand why a superhero like Superman might actually want to be a regular person most of the time. Especially when all it takes is one Barbara Walters special sitting down with Superman to find out about his life growing up on the Kent farm and realizing that he's really been a human for more of his life than he's been a super man from Krypton. What I'm asking for, DC, is more characters who approach situations with intelligence and understanding rather than fear and idiocy.