Convergence: The Question #2

Brrrrt!

That caption was a fart noise. It's also the noise my high school dungeonmaster used to make whenever he was leaving. Or making a pizza. Or rolling dice. Or, and I'm just extrapolating here from prior evidence, fucking somebody.

When we last left The Question asking questions like "Who am I?" and "Why is Two-Face so mean to me?", she had just teamed up with Batwoman and The Huntress. I think they want Two-Face to join their group so they can call their team TBQH, or "To Be Quite Honest." Unless they'd rather be known as QHTB, or "Quit Humping The Bagels."

Now that we've caught up to The Question, she's asking more philosophical questions like "If we're all going to die in the end, why do we bother?" She states it as "If life is conflict, why do we bother?" You know why we bother? Because we were born without any regard to our choice in the matter and lived long enough to become aware of our mortality. That causes us to realize we'd rather struggle and mourn and lose love and curl up on the floor in a ball crying our eyes out over a dead pet and stub our toes and get cavities and struggle with breast cancer than to not exist at all. Even persons of faith fear death because no matter how much you declare your faith is strong because it's basically a sin to not have faith, there's constantly a small doubt that your beliefs are based on bullshit. Or, and this might actually be scarier to those of a religious bent, that you didn't impress your god enough and will be spending eternity being punished for that brief faltering of your faith. We struggle with all of the bullshit because it's better than not being here.

At least, that's how most people feel. People do choose to kill themselves. And whether it's a trick of their brain chemistry that duped them into believing non-existence would be better than struggling or if they were simply and truly tired of the quagmire of life, they still, somehow, face the dissolution of their ego into the void of eternity and take the bravest (or most illogical (or, perhaps, sickest)) choice anybody can make. I'm tired of a lot of it. But I can't imagine be so tired that I choose to never be able to imagine anything ever again.

The Question will probably come up with something more optimistic like we put up with the struggle for love and family and friends and j;mily.... Whoops! Sorry! I couldn't help making jerk off motions with my hand and it fucked up my typing. If you're Batman or Sherlock Holmes, you now know which hand I use to masturbate.

No bickering! There's plenty of Question to go around.

Two-face is busy recruiting gang members to follow him into battle to defeat the other Two-face. I wonder if the other Two-face's face will be a mirror image of this Two-face's face? Or maybe the Harvey Dent he has to battle never had acid thrown in his face at all!

The Question continues her internal monologue about shit that relates to her dying father. That previous stuff about why do we struggle? That was about her dying father (and the human condition as a whole but, I mean, that's just because her father's struggle with cancer is just one example of what he all ultimately have to face). Then that thing about keeping a sense of humor? About her dying father. Now she's thinking about a guy named Charlie she knew who died badly of cancer which makes her think about dying with no regrets. I have a feeling she's going to say some shit about dying with regrets that I previously said in my Convergence: Atom #1 commentary.

Renee calls people who die with no regrets "stupid." I called them "lying, soon-to-be-dead assholes." We petty much agree!

The Question tracks her Harvey to the Gotham Courthouse where he's confronting other Harvey. Other Harvey's face is pristine. I bet he still doesn't call himself stupid like "One-Face." Fucking David Finch. That was the worst ending of all the first issues of The New 52!

The Question's Harvey asks Other Harvey if he can still tell right from wrong and tosses him his coin. Other Harvey says he tries to tell right from wrong but unless you're Ayn Rand or a fan of hers, you understand the majority of the world is grey. Or gray. Which is right?!

I suppose Post-Zero Hour Harvey Dent can lose his battle (you know, by shooting himself in the face) and it won't mean the end of Post-Zero Hour Gotham. Since so many people are fighting, it must be a final tally of fights won which indicates which city survives. Of course Renee isn't going to let any such thing happen. Not on her, and her ex-girlfriend's and "roommate's," watch.

Sex with a roommate isn't sex! It's just part of the chore wheel.

Renee walks in on the Harveys engaged in a legal discussion about the right to kill to save their cities. Is it defense? Or is it murder? It's the court case of the century! Whatever century they're in. But ultimately, Harvey is simply trying to convince Other Harvey why Other Harvey should be the one to live. This isn't murder at all; it's suicide.

Except that Renee jumps in front of Harvey Dent as Other Harvey pulls the trigger and takes the bullet herself.

Ouch. My heart. And my penis! Stupid tight boxers.

Renee's suit was made out of Kevlar so she's just fine. And even better now that she and Kate are kissing again. And she'll be even betterer later when they do whatever it is lesbians do with each other. Watch action flicks?

Harvey asks Renee, "What do I do now?" First off, you stop looking at the Question for answers! Ha ha! No, but seriously, Renee answers, "Be the good man." Then she leaves with her ex-roommate and her girlfriend while Harvey stand staring at his coin on the floor. I guess he's paralyzed by the choice about whether he should pick it up or not since it's on the floor and he can't flip it to determine if he should pick it up.

Afterward, Renee goes to visit her father and I don't feel a thing and you have to believe me because there isn't video evidence of my tears.

He's so fucked up on morphine that he probably forgot she was gay.

The issue ends with Renee realizing life is about the conflict and about the questions and about making mistakes and about getting the chance to make them right again. She also winds up with Two-Face's coin, so I guess he's gone on the straight and narrow. Or maybe he's just advanced to a six-sided die.

After Other Harvey shot Renee, he was sucked into a vortex. Is that because he was deemed the winner even though nobody died? Telos is a pretty shitty judge if that's the case. Maybe he was deemed the loser because he shot the wrong person and didn't kill them and no fight really took place! Whatever happened, it didn't matter because the Convergence shit was just an excuse for Greg Rucka to write this story about love and reconciliation and regrets and homophobic fathers.

Convergence: The Question #2 Rating: After reading this issue, I see how the first issue was as much of a set-up as it needed to be to truly tell this story. But the heart of this two issue series was in this issue. The Convergence stuff didn't matter at all. It just formed the set and the location for this story to take place. It even ends without any resolution to the Convergence fight which is just fine by me. That crap will probably be settled unsatisfyingly in the pages of the Convergence weekly. I'm sure everybody will wind up living together in some kind of peace and harmony on this world or, perhaps, all of their universes will suddenly exist within the non-space and non-time of the planet Telos and the Bleed. Anyway, this was a terrific story and I can't imagine any of the other Convergence stories will be better so I'm ranking it as the best of them all! I doubt I'll cry twice during any other books. Theoretically!

Divergence: Starfire

The new Starfire monthly is going to be written by Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner while being drawn by Emanuela Lupacchino and inked by Ray McCarthy. I think I just came in my pants like eight times. That's a good fucking team right there!

The sneak peek begins with Gen 13 answering an unasked question to an unknown person. It's quite obvious (and not meant to be a super secret mystery) that the person asking the question was Starfire and the question was, "Where should I live, Gen-13?!" Other people Starfire consults? Roy Harper. Tim Drake. Essence. Zatanna. And Cheshire, for some reason. Maybe she's been captured by Cheshire in that last panel and decided to pick her brain before she escapes.

She's obviously going to pick Metropolis! That's where solar-charged hero's live!

Starfire heads to Metropolis but to ask Superman for advice since he's an alien as well. She mentions she has no interest in being a super-hero and I still really have no clue as to why she was "an outlaw" over in that other shitty and forgettable comic book she starred in.

Starfire might fit in in Miami! Or, being she has orange skin, the Jersey shore!

I'm glad she didn't ask Batman.

Starfire's choice of places to live is Key West. And her first friend is Sheriff Gomez! Although Sheriff Gomez doesn't quite know it yet. To be continued in Starfire #1, yo!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1

Whoopee! I don't have to go two months without Scott Lobdell!

I have never before read a Dan Garrett Blue Beetle comic book (unless I read one in one of those Secret Origins comics DC likes to publish every few years) but I guarantee that this will be the worst one I'll ever read in my life! That's a fact!

No, no! I shouldn't allow Lobdell's previous New 52 train wrecks on the Teen Titans and Superman and Red Hood to bias my reading of this comic book. The whole point of Convergence is to give us all a chance to start over with a slate already muddied and fucked-up by old DC continuity! And I, for one, will not spoil my chance to be reborn! This is Scott Lobdell's day to shine! This is the day that I will laugh at his stupid fucking jokes! I will marvel at his meta-textual use of the word "meta-textual!" I will not read this while constantly thinking, "This is not a Blue Beetle story. This is a story of a protagonist that can be switched with any other hero in the DC Universe and still work! If by 'work' I mean 'not really make a whole lot of sense but is still kind of story-shaped.'"

This issue takes place on Earth-4 in Hub City! And their opponents? The Legion of Super-heroes from 31st Century Metropolis! Is that why Lobdell got the gig? Because he'll be writing teenagers? Who in the comic book field still thinks Scott Lobdell is good at writing teenagers? I think the only people that buy into his teenage characters are below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! No offense, below average intelligence thirteen year old boys!

If there is one demographic that needs more putting down, it's below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! Stop showing your dick to your classmates and read the fucking text book, kid! I get it! School is bullshit! What an observation! Guess what else is bullshit? Your future! Har!

I hope no below average intelligence thirteen year old boys figure out where I live because they can probably beat the crap out of me.

That one in green and yellow stripes isn't a man! I bet they're not all mad either!

Vic Sage doesn't ask one question during his report. I bet since the dome fell, he hasn't been able to ask a single question! He finally stopped ruining every dinner by shouting, "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?!"

The Madmen have decided to reenact Les Miserables right in the middle of the street and the national guard is not happy about it. Their rendition of "A Little Fall of Rain" was toneless and lacked any sense of heartbreak. "Master of the House" seemed to be played just to emphasize the swearing and the dirty bits. "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" was upbeat and set to a ragtime tune! It was just a complete travesty and the city just wasn't going to stand it any longer. If only The Question could have reprised his role as Jean Valjean but, alas, his ability to ask that one pertinent question went out with the dome.

The Madmen find the critique harsh and disrespectful, leaving them only one choice.

Maybe the national guard would prefer Godspell?

Nathaniel Adam was the guy who yelled fire. You probably know him better as Captain Atom. Get it? His name is Adam and he's a captain! Vic Sage is the Question and he's a reporter with lots and lots of questions he wants answered! And they're both friends with Ted Kord who is the Blue Beetle. I'm surprised Ted Kord gets to be the Blue Beetle but since I really don't know the history of the Charlton Comics, I probably shouldn't be surprised by anything I read. Or everything, actually! One of those. What I'm trying to say is I'm completely ignorant!

Ted Kord has been busy building, according to his assistant Tracy, "another big expensive nothing-burger." That's snappy clever dialogue that will catch on with all the kids! Unless it already caught on with the kids? Is that something the kids say? Or is that something Scott Lobdell thinks the kids say? I wouldn't know because I say things that come out of my own brain instead of totes using things everybody is already saying. I mean, I can't even. You know what I mean, guys?

This is typical Scott Lobdell dialogue. He thinks he's being clever by twisting an old saying but he just winds up writing dialogue that doesn't make sense. So visionary people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results? Sounds about wrong.

Nat Adams pays Ted Kord a visit. Luckily Kord works on his machines with the news broadcasting on a television in his work space so he can point at the news reporter saying "Massacre at the Barricade!" at just the right moment.

Ted: "You're murdering people, you murderer!"
Nat: "I'm keeping the peace through murder! The people want murder! I mean peace! Via murder!"
Ted: "I'm trying to save everybody from the dome!"
Nat: "I'm saving them with murder!"
Tracy: "You guys need to hug and make up! No amount of murders should ruin a friendship!"

Ted and Nat make up because Ted wants to shoot his laser and Nat wants to feel regret for the murders he committed but that would probably take too many pages so he spends one panel remembering them and then everybody moves past the fact that he murdered a bunch of unhappy poor people.

Ted blasts the dome with a laser and Captain Atom gets his powers back! And his ridiculous fucking costume. Can I blame that on Scott Lobdell too? Please?!

What the fuck, you asshole? You couldn't fly through the big fucking hole in the roof that you just saw the lights through?! I'm more angry at this vandalism than the murders!

The light is being caused by Dr. Spectro because he got his powers back as well.

Let me tell you a little something about Scott Lobdell: he doesn't understand rules. Maybe he couldn't come up with a story that didn't revolve around the superpowered Charlton characters so he came up with this cheat about Ted Kord cracking the dome. Then he probably whined and moaned that it's actually a good character moment because out of all the characters in the DC Universe, which one of them would have the ability to crack the dome even slightly? I mean besides all the ones you'd think of before Ted Kord. Get to Ted Kord already and agree with Scott. But this isn't the only proof of Lobdell not being able to play the game that editorial sets up. Remember Flashpoint? Remember how there was no time travel? Remember who brought fucking Harvest in from the future via time travel? Yep! Scott Lobdell! I think. Maybe it was DeFalco.

Anyway, now the dome is up but a bunch of people with super powers are flying around the city.

Fuck, I hate myself. Now I'm tempted to go back and delete my previous lines about being surprised.

This next panel is a real doozy!

This is one of those stupid jokes he would have wedged into any of his comic books.

First, this comic book should be taking place in a time when the phrase "honest injun" probably wasn't a big deal. Second, Nathaniel Adam is a military man and would hardly care about correcting a villain using an insulting term. Third, Nathaniel Adam was just responsible for murdering a dozen poor people in the streets of Hub City so it seems a little hypocritical to be correcting somebody's use of an offensive phrases.

As Cap and Doc bicker about niceties, some Booster Gold motherfucker appears and asks where he might be. My guess is that it really is Booster Gold because his penis needs to have a good time with Blue Beetle's puckered ass. He must have come from an alternate future reality because remember how Scott Lobdell doesn't remember how those things work and how this dome is out of space and time?

I hope whoever is writing the Booster Gold book isn't somebody whose writing I like because I'm probably going to hate that book too if it's crossing over with this one.

Booster Gold disappears and everybody loses their powers. So maybe Blue Beetle's machine did something other than crack the dome. And whatever it did probably makes sense in a way that will make me feel like an asshole for picking apart the story.

No, it won't. I'll be fine.

Telos arrives and tells everybody about that battling deal. Cap gets his power back and Doctor Spectro probably would get his back if he hadn't shattered every bone in his body falling from the sky when he lost his powers earlier. The Question arrives and they all pack into the Beetle's Bug as the dome disappears. Next issue, more shitty writing! Also a battle against the Legion of Super-heroes!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1 Rating: Suckity suck. Some people might be charmed by dialogue like "I suspect Telos is an unreliable narrator" or "I accomplished nothing--nothing!" or "the last thing we need right now is your transcendental nihilistic dime store crap" or "why would I possibly care about offending anyone?" or "this is frustrating." But I see it as Scott Lobdell sprinkling his story with unconscious moments where he's openly talking about his own writing. Poor guy. Maybe one day he'll work through his low self-esteem and hit one out of the ballpark!

Convergence: The Question #1

Am I remembering correctly? Renee was into hot stripper butt action, right?

I don't have anything insightful to say about Renee Montoya or her history as The Question or Greg Rucka as a writer. I read the collected "52" series years ago while not reading any other comics except trades of Fables and Walking Dead. So that series informed most of what I knew for a long time about DC Comics in the years I wasn't reading them. The only other thing I knew during those years was that the Green Lanterns kept getting sucked into one crossover after another and the series probably didn't pick up a new reader for six or seven years because it was so fucking convoluted.

Maybe I'm wrong about that. But what kind of fucking American would I be if I went around expressing wishy-washy opinions?! If you can't be intelligent, correct, well researched, or witty, be adamant! America!

This is the exact opposite summation about Gotham that we got from Roy Harper! Roy must live in a gentrified neighborhood.

Two-Face is currently kicking the shit out of three people guarding a safe in a pharmacy. The place has been cleaned out because I guess some people in Gotham (the middle class ones!) continued to pretend like nothing was wrong and kept going to work while other people (the poor ones!) robbed the shit out of everything and some people (the rich one!) continued to put on a bat suit and run around all night. I wonder how long it took for all of the condoms to be stolen? Does Planet Brainiac supply condoms because I feel like those are a necessity.

I bet Harvey Dent would be surprised to find out he's dead! That's another reason this universe needs to exist. That McKillallthethings girl hasn't quite caught on like she should have. Maybe she should start a gang with The White Rabbit. Holy shit! I'd read that comic book! Fuck it. I'm going to write that comic book. But I think I'll write it as a comic strip. And I'll probably just write like three strips. Who am I kidding? If I write and draw one strip, I'll be surprised.

Maybe Renee Montoya could be part of their gang. The Question, Two-Face, and the White Rabbit. I can call the comic "What's up, Doc?" Is Erin a doctor because the name doesn't really work otherwise.

Speaking of Renee, she's getting help from Two-Face. Probably because between the two of them, that makes two faces! Well, not right now it doesn't. But you know what I mean!

I guess something happened to her dad!

Montoya delivers the morphine to the hospital and her father gets the first dose because fuck all the children that probably need it. She risked her life and, more importantly, had to look at the gross half of Two-Face's face to secure the drugs.

Renee is living with Helena Bertinelli. Not the Helena Bertinelli that wants to be smothered by Dick Grayson's ass! That's the reboot version. This is the one that is the other one! She's concerned that Renee is working with Two-Face.

So she keeps asking the only real question too? "Who am I?!" I guess The Question only manifests in insecure hosts.

As The Question, Renee goes out to visit Two-Face who is undergoing his ritual of making one of the most important decisions that a teenager can make. Of course he lets his coin decide and it, once again, decides he shouldn't shoot himself in the good half of his face. He'll have to wait until Barry Allen fucks up the timeline before his coin will fall the other way.

Harvey's coin has been coming up non-scarred side ever since the dome covered the city. I guess probability has taken a turn toward the predictable here on Planet Brainiac. Or maybe Planet Brainiac is just providing Harvey with what he needs. If you always know the coin is going to come up heads, doesn't that mean you're in control of every question you ask it? I suppose that would be true if he didn't project the good choice on to the non-scarred side and the evil choice onto the scarred side. So really he's just been forced to be a good man for the last year.

And then the voice speaks and Harvey decides he's ready to take part in Multiversal Thunderdome and he wants to lose. He flips his coin, it lands scarred side up (or he pretends it does and makes his own decision because he's free of the dome), and knocks Renee out. She comes to later with The Huntress standing over her with an "I told you so" and a surprise. She brought a friend to help stop Harvey.

This issue just went Teen Plus!

Convergence: The Question #1 Rating: "One inevitable conclusion"? Three way, right? Is that the inevitable conclusion? That's the inevitable conclusion I'm always looking forward to. Convergence: The Titans #2 will be Roy, Kory, and Donna in a big naked heap. Convergence: Superman #2 will be Lois, Superman, and Flashpoint Superman in The Phantom Bone. Convergence: Speed Force #2 will wind up with Fastback, Barry, and Diana performing a three way quickie. The other titles I don't believe will have three way sex at all. They're all going to have four way sex! Two Hawkmen, Nightwing, and Oracle. Steph, Cass, Tim, and Catman. Batman, his son, Red Hood, and Scarlet. Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Catwoman, and Captain Carrot. Aquaman, Mera, Zatanna, Supergirl, Jesse Quick, Congorilla, Jade, and Vixen. Oh! I'm looking forward to that one the most!

Trinity of Sin #6

The Question asked "Who am I?" one too many fucking times.

I just rewatched the first half of Season 7 of Mad Men in preparation for the second half of Season 7 beginning next week. It's possible that episode 7, "Waterloo," made me tear up more times for different plot points than any other show or movie I've watched. I'm sure I've cried more over other things but not for so many different reasons. I mean, every time I cried during The Fox and the Hound was due to society trying to bully the individual into giving up their individuality and act as irrationally as everybody else simply because that's the way society has always done it. Fuck you, Farmer! Just allow your hound to be gay in peace already!

Now it's time to consume a piece of media that will make me feel nothing at all! Good job, Trinity of Sin! I know my emotions will remain at a level state for the next two hours!

It doesn't take me two hours to read one comic book. But it usually takes me two hours to read and write about the comic book I'm reading, especially since I'm doing it on the internet and look at all the fun distractions on the internet that are more interesting than Trinity Sin! Also porn!

Oh Pandora. Go suck a cock.

Here's what I've learned about being broken: most people don't know when they are. They get chipped and dented and dinged and cracked by dozens and dozens of tiny, daily traumas. These are the sorts of "traumas" which if told to even the best of friends may elicit not much more than an eyeroll. They're the kinds of things that we're told, from an early age, are just part of life. They're the reasons we're assured that life isn't fair. Enough people seem to accept them so everybody else is told to accept them as well. And the underlying message of that, of "life isn't fair," is that nobody should ever try to make it so. Enh, what can we do? It's just life! And it's not fair! So buck up, fill out your resume properly, get a job you fucking hate, and deal with it, hound. And so eventually we don't even realize we're broken and, at least to ourselves, worthless until it's too late.

I don't think the breaking is that bad. That's a sign that you're in danger. But being told that a little glue will fix it is the problem. By focusing on how a broken person needs to get put back together to be accepted back into society, we ignore the real problem of how society broke the person in the first place. When we glue the vase because some asshole was playing ball in the house, that doesn't fix the problem of the asshole who is still playing ball in the house. You want to stop planes being driven into the ground by broken people? Well, I can't help you with that. It's a side-effect of the life everybody seems to want to live. And life isn't fair.

Okay, I'm back to reading the comic book and I should apologize for telling Pandora to go suck a cock because she's not the Narrator. The Narrator hasn't been identified yet but it's probably Doctor Thirteen or the transexual angel. I forget hir name. Zauriel! (Um, thanks Lord Google! Fuck you, brain. You idiot.)

The Trinity are currently prisoners of Venna the Triple-Faced Queen of Dark World. Apparently Quackers was just Venna's John the Baptist and now it's time for her to lose her head. Mostly because she did such a good job of bringing back the Dark World that everybody in the Dark World think that it had never fallen. So nobody is going to pin a medal on Quackers' chest. That's too bad for Quackers the Cosmic Duck. I thought she was going places.

The Trinity of Sin are down and out and everything is going wrong but then they eat their spinach!

Duh duh duh DUN DUN DUN! Duh duh duh duh DUN DUN DUN!

While the Trinity make muscles with cartoons of warships in them, I should talk about what I've learned about darkness! No matter how benevolent and enlightened a person thinks they are, they're still full of incredible darkness. At times, it's hard to see from within. We want what we want so badly that often we ignore the price that other people pay in order for our own desires to be fulfilled. I would love to believe that as a person ages they grow less likely to commit atrocities (of varying degree! I am using the word lightly. We're not all committing genocide on a weekly basis) but then I've seen what rich old white men think of other people. It's horrific. And look at how much "evil" (I put it in quotes because, again, I'm using the word lightly. I don't mean some all-consuming dark entity pulling the strings of puppet people that have yet to find Jesus. In fact, I'm about to accuse a whole lot of Jesus lovers in acting evil!) is being perpetrated by the self-labeled religious set. They're simply using their religion to attain their own selfish desires. They don't want to accept money from gay people so they hide behind some ambiguous texts (texts with many, many other ambiguous rules that they don't even bother to follow or even probably know about) to defend their assholery. People will go to great lengths to convince themselves that they're not being mean-spirited dickmonsters.

Hey! Here's an idea! How about the United States Government begin printing two separate sets of currency. Make half of it pink and the other half green. Then these asshole people that don't want to accept gay patrons can stay away from all gay money! Then the rest of us can stick to using pink money (of course, we'll use green when it's given to us as change. Whatever. We're not the bigots! I don't think. Maybe I am! But I'm only really against those asshole foxes trying to befriend all of our hounds. No wait. That's exactly the opposite what I said earlier. Nevermind). Let's see how quickly they start accepting gay money when the pink currency begins gaining value over the green currency.

The Trinity of Sin realize during their fight against Quackers and Venna that they'd have to absorb all of the darkness of Dark Earth. Then they'd have to live with darkness and sin in their hearts! They'd have a real reason to be the Trinity of Sin instead of the stupid reason where they were convicted by a bunch of old wizards for crimes they didn't even commit or couldn't even remember. Then they got to walk around for thousands of years going, "Why the fuck am I being punished again? Curiosity? Helping a friend accomplish his goals? Who am I?" Now they'll get to walk around thinking, "I saved the world!" And while they were walking around thinking that, people will spit on them and call them evil whores.

Earth is regained and Quackers is transformed back into Nimraa.

Nimraa sounds like my old high school friend Soy Rakelson after attending college for a bit. "What the?! Things aren't just black and white? All this gray is bullshit! I'm going to go back to the comfort of my C.S. Lewis books now."

Nimraa leaves a magic sword behind which The Phantom Stranger ultimately claims without any debate on the subject of ownership. The Question steals the darkness from Pandora and The Phantom Stranger and ditches them. Pandora...I don't know. She goes back to her relationship with a baby?

The magic sword was the one that held Doctor Thirteen's soul. So, and this is so obvious I shouldn't even mention it, stabbing him in the chest with it restored his soul and brought him back to life. It's like regaining your memory by smashing your head into a ceiling beam! Total medical fact. And Doctor Thirteen admits to being the Narrator. But then we already knew that, didn't we, readers who pay attention even when they want to be doing something else?

The issue ends with The Question disappearing in a puff of question marks. Then the book says, "The end...?" Yes the end! Just put a fucking period on that statement, you assholes! Enough with your Trinity of Sin garbage! The next time The Question appears, he or she had better have a fucking good reason for it! And since that next time is soon with Greg Rucka writing it, I'm going to guess that there will be!

Trinity of Sin #6 Rating: No change. See that, Trinity? That's called a gift! Merry Whatever! Here's your no change in ranking even though your comic book didn't have a point! Don't let the pellets from my shotgun hit you in the ass on the way out the door!

Trinity of Sin #5

Is this what it's like, as a woman, to sit between two men on the New York subway?

I don't have to admit but I'm going to anyway, thinking about getting a glimpse at the other side of that cube is kind of turning me on.

The Trinity of Sin have gotten themselves trapped inside the Cube of Redemption which has no AC and no rent control. Also, the individual units are crucifixes. And the landlord is a gigantic cosmic duck. All in all, it's more accommodating than any truly affordable apartment in San Francisco.

This issue is narrated by The Question, so be prepared to read the phrase "Who am I?" two or three dozen times. Apparently he doesn't have to phrase every single thought in the form of a question even though that's the way the words come out of his mouth when he speaks. Could The Question be Alex Trebek? No, that's ridiculous. I've never seen The Question correct anybody's pronunciation of French.

The Question goes on and on and on (much like The Phantom Stranger before him!) describing his ordeal while hanging on the cross. Glass vultures attack them which is probably symbolic of something my ignorance keeps me from noting. Then they're attacked by glass turtles and lizards and scorpions and snakes. Crawling beasts of the earth. Once again, der! Duh! Why don't I know about more things?! It's probably Biblical! Didn't Joseph once brag to his brothers that he had a dream in which he had a huge, erect cock and all of his brothers had tiny limp cocks? And Joseph shot hundreds of gallons of his seed into grain silos or something? While hot, naked Egyptian women danced around him seven at a time? Does that have anything to do with glass vultures and glass turtles?

The Question decides that since he's narrating this thing, he'd better be the one to break free from the crucifix and help the others. It would be a little bit embarrassing if he had to narrate watching helplessly as Pandora or The Phantom Stranger broke free as he whined and moaned.

The Question is unable to help the other two sinners, so he decides to run across the desert instead where he runs into a bunch of annoying, naked philosophers.

I swear to you that I did not photoshop all of those "Who am I?" questions just to make my earlier prediction of seeing that question asked two to three dozen times come true. Probably.

The Question recognizes these naked philosophers as aspects of himself from the past so he drives them all away at the point of his Spear of Destiny. That probably would be annoying, being accosted by past versions of yourself. I don't even think I'd be able to stand me from just three days ago. Ugh. What a disappointment!

An angel appears and begins lying to The Question. "All men have souls! All men can be redeemed!" Who is this fucker? The newest coach on The Biggest Loser? The angel's name is The Caretaker, so maybe he is! Or she is! I think angels are sexless because the last thing God wants to keep him up all night are thousands of angels banging the crap out of each other.

Here's the scene where they meet:

Caretaker: "Ques! Ques! Can I call you Ques?"
Question: "Who am I?"
Caretaker: "Who you are is not as important as what you do! You are your actions! I mean, you are what you think of the person that is capable of acting in the way in which you acted! You are not your past because who wants to remember that time you touched your dog's wiener? You are not your past because you might never touch your dog's wiener again! You are who you are now! Right now! In this moment! Hey, Ques, are you listening to me?"
Question: "Sorry! I was just over here touching this dog's wiener."

Oh, I forgot the most important part of their exchange! The Caretaker tells The Question that this comic book is called "The Trinity of Sin" and not "The Question" so get the fuck back to his friends and help them. He finds them still on the their crosses engaged in a riotous pity party.

And from that day forward, The Question knew that not knowing was the greatest knowledge of all!

The Question stabs his cohorts in the heart with his Spear of Destiny which rescues them because philosophy. They then find themselves in a garden where they're welcome to stay as long as they want. Which would be fantastic if not for that whole "leaving Earth to rot at the winds of Quackers" thing. So they choose to go back to Dark Earth and kick some duck ass.

Trinity of Sin #5 Rating: No change. I hope this series ends with The Question figuring out who he is so that he's able to move on. And then he'll leave his hat somewhere for Renee Montoya to find. The Phantom Stranger should find that he was set up and was never Judas at all because duh! Just look at his skin color! Pandora should just join the Justice League where every day, Batman can make some condescending remark about her guns. Mostly, I just hope DC drops this whole fascination with this Trinity of Sin bit that has never really been very interesting and just keeps getting more boring the more they write about it.

Trinity of Sin #4

The Box of Redemption is a toilet!

Is this the issue we find out who The Question is? I bet he was the first sentient person to have a moment of free time because other people were hunting the mammoths and gathering root vegetables and protecting the tribe while he was sitting on a rock trying to avoid the myriad tasks his people needed to keep them all alive for another winter. And suddenly he had a moment of pure unadulterated luxury, free from worry and death and cold and hunger and strife, and he thought, "Who am I?" (In his own prehistoric language, of course!) The question was so foreign to him that he spoke it out loud as another member of his tribe was passing by. The tribesman turned to him and said, "You Zok!" And Zok said, "No, no! But who is Zok? Really? Who are any of us?" And the other tribesman, not realizing that Zok had just invented philosophy, failed to smash his skull and save us all from pretentious bastards sitting in coffee shops centuries later saying, "What's outside this window? Is it just a fantasy? What is reality? How can we ever know anything? What if it's all just zeros and ones?"

Just as the Trinity were about to recover the Redemption Box at the end of last issue, The Question turned on them! Quackers the Cosmic Duck appeared in the sky with a battalion of monster bugs to recover the Redemption Box for herself. If all of these people want so desperately to be redeemed, why don't they address what they did wrong and work to make amends to the people they hurt? Why does everybody think there's an easy fix for everything? That Box is probably just full of snake oil and dog turds.

The first few pages are filled with a lot of The Phantom Stranger's mental masturbation.

Taking The Question prisoner, Pandora and The Phantom Stranger flee from Quackers and enter the heart of the mountain where the Redemption Box is kept. But they can't open the box until The Phantom Stranger fills a few more pages with his pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Why doesn't J.M. DeMatteis just write a novel? Why is he writing a comic book when he seems to invest most of his energy in telling the tale through the eyes of The Phantom Stranger, Narration Box after Narration Box. The visuals are rarely needed and most of the plot points come down to the Trinity either overcoming an obstacle using their vague powers or not overcoming an obstacle using their vague powers. It makes for a fairly boring comic book. But DeMatteis seems to be most interested in documenting The Phantom Stranger's thoughts and his inner struggles. I think that would work much better as a novel where he could spend pages on the inner struggle of each character. That way, the mundane plot points would be better spread out and perhaps feel less like trivial moments that exist simply to create a false sense of the characters' forward progression.

The spell was unbearable! But they bearabled it anyway!

The three eventually touch the Redemption Box together and say, "Taaruu!" Instead of turning into a God so they can defeat Quackers, they're sucked into the Redemption Box where they're crucified upon a bleak, barren plain. Quackers shrugs at their disappearance, takes the box, and heads home.

Trinity of Sin #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. What is the fucking point of this comic book? What is the fucking point of Trinity of Sin in The New 52? Weren't they supposed to have some kind of important part to play? If they're not the cause of the Convalescence, then I'm just going to be left baffled by this entire series. So far, they're just victims that have done nothing but react to Quackers taking over the world. It's mostly just a lesser version of The Blight storyline minus a babysitter as Jesus character. If I felt emotions, I'd be angry that this comic book were stealing so many precious moments of my finite lifespan!

Trinity of Sin #3

"Oh god! What are all these monsters?! And why are we all so overdressed?!"

My 2015 New Year's Resolution is to start shoving a twenty sided die up my ass just before I shit so that I can yell, "Critical!" as I poop.

I reread last month's commentary last year, so I do not remember what had been taking place in this comic book. My memories are currently a hazy collage of shimmering alcohol, sweaty naked flesh, and blood. Holy Christ, so much blood. But I do think Quackers the Cosmic Duck was making trouble for the poor, misunderstood Trinity of What The Fuck Did We Do To Deserve This?

This issue begins with Pandora remembering that time she was visiting the Winslows when she opened a box that released all the evil into the world and then said, "Did I do that?" But eventually she realized that she was just a prisoner of a mediocre catch phrase and she rose above being typecast as the Mother of All Monsters to become The Ray of Hope and Light! Or something. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Does anybody understand this comic book? Do they want to tell me what profound, thematic conclusions they've reached while reading about the Trinity of Sin? I think this series is trying to teach people not to rat out their best friend even when he totally wants you to, and not to open unmarked boxes, and to always be asking, "Who am I?" The problem is I'm always going to rat out my friend if that's what he needs, I'm certainly going to keep opening unmarked boxes, and I'm never going to ask "Who am I?" because I know I'm not the type of person that needs other people to see how fucking introspective I am. I fucking know who I am! And I'm a bad-ass motherfucker!

I bet The Question is pointing at something he doesn't recognize and asking, "Who am I?"

The Trinity have found themselves on Earth That Was or Will Be or Has Become or Something. Quackers the Cosmic Duck is using the guilt of the Trinity of Sin to reshape Earth into Shadow Earth, home of the Cosmic Duck People. But The Phantom Stranger digs deep into the wellspring of his personality which is composed entirely of not wanting to be punished and constantly rebelling against Dog to say, "What if I kill myself before the spell is finished? Will it save the world?" And then The Question said, "Hey! You stole my dialogue! I can tell because it ended in a question mark!" And Pandora said, "I have these guns!"

Quackers the Cosmic Duck quickly gets to first base with The Phantom Stranger because she remembers he's totally into kissing people he's going to betray. Quackers is all, "Mmm! Mmm! Did Christ use any tongue? Should I use tongue? Do ducks have tongues?" The Phantom Stranger loses his mind which is the appropriate reaction to having been kissed by a Cosmic Duck that's actually kind of sexually appealing. Everybody is captured. But Pandora is less attracted to female Cosmic Ducks than the other two, so she breaks free and later frees them from their captivity as sex slaves.

I don't know what kind of contraption The Question is in but I think I want one.

The Trinity wind up in the Woods of Uncertainty outside of Quackers' domain. It's pretty exciting stuff if you're into boring fantasy books that exceed five hundred pages because they're filled with scenes that don't fucking matter. So far, this story feels like J.M. DeMatteis is filling time until he can figure out what this story is supposed to be about. At least I hope that's what he's doing or else Quackers the Cosmic Duck is just a re-skinned version of Blight with some minor tweaks to her history.

And to continue the Fantasy Book Theme J.M. seems to be going with, he gives The Trinity a quest! A quest to find the Box of Redemption!

If this where the Shannara series instead of a twenty page comic book, this page alone would comprise five different books.

Oho! The Box of Redemption, is it?! It will save humanity but, coincidentally, it could also save them! Because don't the Trinity of Sin need some kind of redemption? I mean, I don't think they do. But the characters themselves and everybody they encounter seems to think they need redemption.

I bet Quackers also needs it! Why else would Quackers allow them to go questing for so long without stopping them?

Surprise!

Trinity of Sin #3 Rating: No change. What's in the box? What's in the box!? What's in the BOX!!? WHAT'S in THE box!!!? WHAT'S IN THE BOX!!!!?

Trinity of Sin #2

God is a gigantic Kitten?! Hallelujah! I believe!

Last issue ended with the surprise revelation of Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might be the most powerful DC Villain not created by Jack Kirby. I say "might be" because I know nothing about Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might also just be another boring character created and written by J.M. DeMatteis. I wish I knew how to write comic books so I could give J.M. some pointers to help him create believable, likable, and interesting characters. I'd say, "J, bro. Can I call you J? What the audience is looking for is three dimensionality! They want to believe that these characters are feeling the feels forced on them by the situation they're in! You can't just have The Phantom Stranger's entire character be 'He wears a fedora and a trench coat.' You have to think up aspects of their personality which cause them to constantly make poor decisions, or to love too well, or to listen to witches, or to believe gossip from the dumbest and least likable of his three daughters. Here's what I do when I want to make a believable character, J. I make a Master List of Personalty Traits. Then I hang that list on the wall so I can refer back to it when I'm writing a scene containing that character. Let's say it's the nineties and I just created a comic book character named Bloodageddon. I'd list his personality traits like so:

1. Enjoys storing things in pouches.
2. Likes to shoot guns.
3. Has an eyepatch or robot eye or something wrong with one eye.
4. Kills wantonly.
5. Comes from the future. Probably. Maybe the past!
6. Always talks tough. Especially when it seems like he's going to die!
7. Best killer ever.
8. I mentioned the guns right? Lots and lots of guns!
9. Cool hair.
10. Muscles and/or bangs chicks a lot.

See? Now I know what motivates Bloodageddon! And I can write issue after issue without ever forgetting what makes him who he is! Maybe you should try that, J. If you do, you owe me $50 for the lesson. This wasn't free advice!"

She's Quackers the Cosmic Duck! She'll fill your ears with yuck after yuck! She'll philosophize and harmonize and tantalize and eat your fries! Then she'll make you question humanity's ephemeral and insignificant place in the chaotic and ever changing univeeeeeeeerse! Quackers! *QUACK*

Quackers sends Pandora and The Phantom Stranger to a place called the Shadowlands. That's right next door to the place souls go when they lose a game of Yu-Gi-Oh. Waiting for Pandy and Phanty are Quackers, Landminotaur, She-Serpent, and The Dolphin King. I think J.M. DeMatteis was told to write a script for a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

A fight breaks out but since it takes place in the arena of Quackers' mind, Pandora and The Stranger never have a chance. But Quackers still needs The Question if she's to use their powers to turn Earth into Dark Earth. See, Quackers is the last of her kind and she's angry that humans get to have parties and eat cakes and dance and fuck and play and eat more cakes while she's had to sit in the dark alone for billions of years. She'd probably have friends as well but God put up a big sign that says, "Don't feed the ducks. Bread is not, and never has been, a part of their natural diet, you stupid humans."

Quackers easily tricks The Question into coming over to Dark Earth because he can't resist a good mystery. He likes to find out the answers so he can say, "The Question knows!" Unless it's the Shadow that knows! Maybe he just likes answering questions. Who knows?

The Sha...SHUT UP!

The Question makes his saving throw against pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Quackers catches The Question as well and transports the Trinity of Sin to the Rock of Eternity where they first got railroaded in a sham trial put on by asshole wizards. Quackers uses the Trinity's three artifacts to open up a portal of sin and cover Earth in darkness. Essentially it's the same thing that was happening in Forever Evil: Blight only this time Blight is a Cosmic Duck with hooters.

Trinity of Sin #2 Rating: Who am I? And who am I? But even if you can answer those questions, you still have to wonder: who am I? It's times like these that I wish I knew who I was! Or that there were more questions than just that one so that I could get some fucking answers!

Trinity of Sin #1

Yay! Time for some bad characterizations and pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

As you can tell by the caption above, I'm not exactly hyped about this Trinity of Sin comic book. J.M. DeMatteis had far more misses than hits during his Phantom Stranger run and I don't even remember who was writing Pandora. Was it DeMatteis too? Or Ray Fawkes? Whatever. Unless this comic book comes at these characters from a new angle, I can't be bothered to care about how the Powers That Be are punishing and torturing them for no reason. And none of them are just flipping off God or the Council of Wizards or Whatever Capitalized Name the Manipulator Goes By and just walking the fuck away from it all. Judas did nothing that wasn't expected of him. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Pandora did nothing with any malice or ill will. Punishing curiosity is a dick move, Council of Wizards. And The Question...um, well, I don't know about him. He might be a complete asshole. Right now he's a cypher. Which might be a synonym for asshole.

I do have to give Pandora credit for having the best outfit out of everyone in The New 52. Hell, all three of these Sinners are pretty swank! Although I don't like that The Phantom Stranger is encouraging people to wear capes and fedoras. That might be a decent reason to punish him for eternity.

The issue begins with some light sensitive bacteria Narration Boxing about how he lived through a beautiful age of darkness (some call this "night") only to suddenly have his kin wiped out by an eternity of light (some call this "day"). But eventually, after all but he were wiped out (he must be the 0.01% of bacteria that antibacterial soap can't kill), another unending age of darkness was upon him (again, "night")! But this time, the darkness called out to him! Called his name! "Nimraa," it whispered in that sexy, husky voice darkness always uses, "My servant. It's time." And that was when Nimraa climbed up into somebody careless enough to use a public toilet seat without wiping it down or putting down a toilet cover's anal fissure to destroy the world!

Get out your heavy ponchos! Here comes the pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

From now on whenever I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to ask the server, "Who am I?" I guess they'll realize I'm inquiring about the specials by tone and inflection?

The Question has no idea who he is even though he's been asking "Who am I?" for about two thousand years now. Nobody seems to know the answer. Or they keep answering some other question they think he's actually asking.

I suppose this means The Trinity of Sin is going to run fifty-two issues before revealing the identity of The Question? Or will The Question be The New 52's version of the Preboot Phantom Stranger where he had lots of possible origins but they never really nailed down who he was?

Also, there's no way this series will make it to issue #52!

This issue is called "The Wages of Sin, Part One: Nightfall." I would have called it "Sinchronicity!" (with the exclamation point so the reader knows, right off the bat, that it's going to be exciting). Or maybe I'd call it "Sinesthesia." Oh! I know! "Punishment Not Intended!" That's a pun on "pun not intended" and speaks to the punishments given to people that don't deserve them!

Anyway, The Question just found out that his landlady is actually a landfourarmedbullcreature. And rent is due!

A thousand questions that all happen to be the same question: Who am I?!

I guess this kind of thing kept happening to The Phantom Stranger and Pandora, issue after issue, so it's about time The Question had to deal with other worldly entities masquerading as human beings. I just have one question. Who am I?

Meanwhile The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen are battling a gigantic green poltergeist in Golden Gate Park. Fucking poltergeists ruin the park for everybody. No wait. I'm thinking of teenagers.

Oh! The Phantom Stranger meant teenager as well!

The Stranger sends this kid to heaven where, according to "You Never Give Me Your Money," all children should go. Then Terrence is stabbed through the chest by a flaming sword wielded by a life-sized He-man action figure. It's a serpent headed woman. I know it's a woman because it has boobs even though a female serpent has no use for boobs. They'd just get in the way while slithering about.

While The Question battles the Landminotaur, and The Phantom Stranger battles Snakewoman, Pandora enjoys a day at the beach in Southern India, thanks to a suggestion from her baby lover, Marcus. He's a baby and her lover, not a lover of babies. Unless he's a bit older than that. However old he currently is, it's too young for Pandora! Anyway, I guess she'll be fighting some kind of dolphin king soon. Or a Monkeyphant!

Darn. I was really hoping for the Monkeyphant.

The Trinity are nearly defeated but Pandora does some kind of hocus pocus and all three of them rise up to defeat the monsters attacking them. And then they all appear in Southern India thinking about maybe teaming up for awhile. Three characters in a book triples the amount of fans willing to torrent this book! I mean, buy this book! Just think of all The Question fans that can't wait to...oh wait. I think most of those are Renee Montoya fans. Oh well, The Phantom Stranger and Pandora can probably account for eight thousand books per month. Hopefully The Question can be mysterious enough to cover the rest and keep them out of cancellation territory for longer than eight issues.

I doubt it though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus died for our sins! He died to prevent suffering! He died because The Stranger betrayed him! Ipso facto addendum: The Phantom Stranger has prevented human suffering! And, well, Pandora gave the world hope. Which, admittedly, The Question hates. And which, admittedly again, probably causes quite a bit of suffering when it dies. So fine. Fuck Pandora.

The Question runs off to pout while The Stranger decides to investigate so that he can rescue Terrance Thirteen's soul. Pandora decides to get into The Phantom Stranger's backseat and jabber incessantly like a raving asshole.

The Damnated Duo follow the mystic clues up into space where they encounter the source of all of their troubles: Quackers the Cosmic Devil Duck.

If I were a cynical person, I'd think this entire comic book had been created to sell action figures.

Trinity of Sin #1 Rating: I guess I'm kind of interested in The Question's background but not enough to continue buying a comic book that will no doubt string the reader along for many, many issues instead of revealing anything about him. And I was interested in The Phantom Stranger but his previous series killed most of my curiosity towards him. But Pandora is cute and dresses nicely and shoots big guns, so I guess I'm still kind of interested in her. But this series doesn't have a lot to offer with its premier issue, so I'm going to rank it down in the forties for now. I do have one question and it isn't any form of "Who am I?" It's how do you pronounce Yvel Guichet's name? Evil Goose shit?

New Suicide Squad #2

This looks like the cover to a DC Heroes Role Playing Game Module from the Eighties.

I don't think it's ever a good sign when a regular, $2.99 monthly comic book has seven creators listed on the cover. That says to me, "Deadlines were missed!" And then, from there, I extrapolate (that's this thing where you come up with an assumption based on a fact and, because every single person thinks they're a super intelligent, perceptive, intuitive genius, you believe the assumption just as strongly as you believe the fact. And even if your assumption is eventually proven wrong, it takes forever to get you to admit that you were wrong because admitting you're wrong means you are one step closer to being a mature adult and realizing you are actually a huge idiot and have been for your entire life. Why didn't anybody ever tell you?! How embarrassing!) that the art is going to be inconsistent and sloppy.

I should really tone down those lengthy parenthetical references! By the time the parentheses close, who can remember what the first half of the interrupted sentence was?!

At the end of last issue, the Rocket Reds had arrived in The New 52. They'll probably be bigger dicks than they were when they were first conceived because now they answer to Putin instead of Gorbachev. Also they're five stories tall. Unless that was just a misrepresentation by one of the dozens of artists working on the book.

I probably shouldn't exaggerate! One of the half dozen artists working on the book! That's better. I wouldn't want my position (that more artists make for a crappier comic book look) to seem weaker by trying to make it seem stronger through lying and manipulation! Sure, lying and manipulation can be a really effective way to sway the masses to your side! Right up until somebody points out that you're a liar and a manipulator. Although if you're a fair to middling liar and manipulator, that shouldn't stop you. Just lie and manipulate some more! The masses are pretty busy and they don't really have time to think about what they hear.

I knew two clowns were too many for this kitchen. That was an easy assumption to make because who even wants one clown in their kitchen?

Amanda Waller is trying to get some information from her team about the new Rocket Red Sentinel threat that suddenly cropped up. But why would they answer her questions? She's a jerko that's constantly threatening to blow their heads off. So Victor Sage begins asking questions but why would they answer him? They don't even know who he is or why he can't make a declarative statement or an exclamation.

Speaking of exclamations, can you believe the young children of my generation were taught that date rape was okay as long as you're good looking by that Schoolhouse Rock song about interjections? I'm not famous for my accuracy (or anything else) but the lyrics went something like this:

Geraldine played hard to get (unh unh hunh!)
But Geraldo knew he'd woo her yet.
He showed his affection
Despite her objections
While Geraldine muttered some interjections!
"Hey! That's not fair! Giving a girl a shot down there!"
"Boo! He's running the wrong way!"
"Hey! You're kind of cute!" "Darn! That's the end!"

I usually change the lyrics to "He gave an infection with his meat injection" but decided to use the real lyrics since they're date rapey enough without my slimeball interference. Although, I admit, only one of the things she interjects is actually what she says: "You're kind of cute!" Which is why we learned that if you're good looking, women can't be serious about not wanting to have sex with you! They're obviously just playing hard to get!

This isn't the only song where Schoolhouse Rock shows its age. Singing happily about Manifest Destiny? Celebrating how the cotton gin made more money for plantation owners and the myth that it created less work for slaves as opposed to more work because more cotton needed to be harvested? Advocating communism by showing how the Lolly's ran their business by giving away all of the product free? Disgraceful!

Hopefully this lineup will change regularly. We need some cannon fodder on this team and none of these characters fit the bill.

I forget what the Squad's mission was last issue although I do remember it sounded like complete bullshit. So it probably doesn't matter that I've forgotten it. I'm sure the Squad finds it irritating that Sage and Waller are constantly jabbering at them via communicator while they're trying to work. The Squad doesn't need to be micromanaged! Okay, well, maybe they do but I find it annoying so I don't want them to be micromanaged. Just give them the mission and set them loose.

Deathstroke, being the smartest apple in the box of crayons, turns off his communicator when he gets an offer to work with the Russians. And that's why Deathstroke doesn't work well on a team! Besides the fact that he has a habit of killing off the members of his team so he doesn't have to work with a team, you also need to constantly pay him more money than the next guy. Eventually you're going to run up against a next guy with more money than you and you've lost him.

Oh look! I think Deathstroke found the next guy.

The rest of the Squad have fled to the subway where the Rocket Sentinels can't find them. Instead, a Russian military black ops team finds them. And pays the price, of course. The Squad might not work well together but they know how to kill and maim people to survive. The only thing the Squad underestimated was the Rocket Sentinels' lack of interest in maintaining Moscow's infrastructure.

How is the government going to pay for new streets and Deathstroke's salary? Stupid robots.

If I were a consultant being paid to help the Squad with their public image, the first advice I'd give would be for Deadshot to lose the four fucking pouches on his chest. You look like an idiot, Floyd. Knock it off. Also stop pretending to die at the end of an issue to create fake tension. Everybody knows that Deadshot always survives!

New Suicide Squad #2 Rating: No change. Most of this issue was Waller and Sage asking what was going on and Black Manta and Deadshot smarting off to them and refusing to answer their questions. The book would be better without the higher ups having to add their voices to the chaos of the mission. I would think, being that they don't want the super villain teams tied to the American government, radio silence would be rule number one. Waller and Sage should have three jobs: give the team the mission, drop them off, and then meet them at the extraction point. Between dropping them off and picking them up, they should just butt the fuck out. Let Manta lead instead of constantly asking him what's happening so that they can assess the situation and then tell Manta what to do. Trust your workers, jerkos! Oh! One other thing that Waller and Sage could do that would really make this book terrific: hire Condor for the next mission and get him killed!