Death of Hawkman #6

Yay! It's the moment we've all been waiting for!

If I'm cheated out of reading the actual death of hawkman with some bullshit comic book fuckery, I am demanding my money back from DC Comics. And if they don't pay up, I'm suing the fuck out of them. And damages will be a whole lot more than just the twenty four dollars I initially demanded be refunded. I'm suing for every fucking dollar I gave them during The New 52 and that whore's piles of a series, Convergence.

The Review!
This review only needs one thing: a scan of the panel where Hawkman dies. If that doesn't happen, this comic book is going to drop a lot in the rankings! I'm tired of being lied to by comic book covers and mothers!

Oh no you don't! He's totally worth killing! He's twenty four dollars worth killing!

Hawkman does die but it's not gruesome or entertaining enough to scan. Sorry! He just punches his Nth Metal through Despero's head which drains him of his qi and he becomes a desiccated corpse which withers into a skeleton wearing a winged helmet and floating in space. But Despero reforms because Despero is made out of pure Nth metal now! I'm sure Hawkman doesn't at all live inside of him now that his Nth Metal is a part of Despero. I'm fairly certain Hawkman won't be reborn out of Despero's anus in the next series, The Extremely Painful Rebirth of Hawkman. I'm almost completely and utterly certain that the ending of this comic which reads "Not the end. Nowhere near it" is actually he end. No way this comic earned enough to ensure a sequel, right? Even with everybody purchasing it because they wanted to jerk off to Hawkman dying, the miserable bastards. Not me, of course! The reason I didn't scan Hawkman's death panel has nothing at all to do with love juice stains and everything to do with whatever lie I told earlier.

The Ranking!
-4! Yes, you read that right! MINUS FUCKING FOUR! Sure, I'm glad Hawkman died. But why couldn't the final page say "The End. Forever. We totally mean it."?

Death of Hawkman #5

Is this some sexist commentary about how women are easily manipulated? Or just some fan service Hawkman nipple?

The Review!
My friends and I once wrote a Galactic Hero Corps story called "The Death of Mr. Mystic." The joke was that during the mission, Buck the Ogre was the one who died. Mr. Mystic just died of old age at the end of the story. The tone of the Galactic Hero Corps was always stupid whimsy so you might expect that kind of thing when reading it. But I'm not sure if the tone of this comic book is supposed to be so ridiculous that it's okay to kill Green Lantern Isamot in the middle of a Death of Hawkman story. I suppose it does fix one thing that always bothered me since Isamot's ring flies over to the finger of a winged Thanagarian. That makes more sense for a Green Lantern of Thanagar than Isamot ever did! Sure, Thanagar is made up of several different races (or something. What am I? A scholar of the Polaris solar system?!) but nobody thinks of Thanagar when they see a Lizarkon (or whatever! Remember that thing about not being a scholar?!).

Also, Hawkgirl wasn't in this issue at all so I don't know why she's beating up Hawkman's nipples on the cover.

Aside from all that, Despero just keeps making trouble. He's definitely controlling Alanna so I guess she's not as huge a dick as I've been speculating.

The Ranking!
No change!

Death of Hawkman #4

I hope Hawkman dies this issue!

The Review!
Hawkman still isn't dead! Zero stars! But Despero is now covered in Nth Metal! As if he wasn't already powerful enough. Now he's also practically invincible. I hope he suffers some kind of heavy metal toxicity from being covered in so much of the stuff.

Alanna is still being a real asshole warmonger. Despero explains it as her being driven mad by her father's supposed death. But a better explanation would be that Despero is controlling her mind. Otherwise she's being a real fucking dick who's going to get everybody killed.

Adam Strange is also still in this comic book but he doesn't do much this issue aside from almost throw up a number of times.

Death of Hawkman #3

I hope these two guys discuss archaeology for most of this book.

I hope Andreyko decides to surprise everybody and kill off Hawkman three issues early! The story would still have to deal with the aftermath of Hawkman's death and Adam Strange would have to overcome crazy odds to win (because he's, you know, just stupid Adam Strange. All he has is a laser pistol. Although it's better than a mace, I guess?). The only reason I can think to not kill Hawkman this issue is that it's the only reason most of us are probably reading this series. As soon as Hawkman dies, I'll be satisfied with the story.

Adam Strange is having trouble dealing with killing people. He's not used to being in actual wars where lives are at stake. The only thing he's good at is banging his students. He's apparently so manly that he nearly vomits seeing Katar's penis. Unless Thanagarians have disgusting looking genitals. That's probably a better explanation.

Seeing Katar's penis was where the flashback left off last issue. The story continues from there which is a shame because Hawkman is definitely not going to be dying in a flashback.

Aha! Strange is definitely intrigued by Katar's nakedness!

The woman who bedded Hawkman is named Seraphene so if I knew anything about DC Comics, I'd probably know how she's super important now or something. The only Seraphene I can think of is one of those Forever People. But I don't think she's white or blonde or into fucking Hawkmen.

Katar and Adam realize Despero is behind the attempt to set Rann and Thanagar on a path to war. But they're no match for Despero! They're only C-List members of Justice League Canada. What can they do to save two worlds from destroying each other?

Seraphene might not be as important as I thought she'd be. She's just a plot point so that the security forces on Thanagar would know where to find Adam Strange when the report goes out that he's wanted.

Cyborg is able to confirm that Despero is no longer in Belle Reve. Well, maybe somebody should have placed him in The Catacombs underneath Death Valley! That's where the truly dangerous cosmic villains are supposed to be held. I guess The Catacombs didn't actually exist at the time. Or maybe Batman forgot to tell Justice League Canada about the prison.

Before Hawkman and Adam Strange can begin their pursuit of Despero (without any help because, as usual, the rest of the League is "on a mission." And nobody cares if Cyborg joins them. It's going to take a lot more than a White Noise Cannon to stop Despero), some Thanagarian security guards arrive to beat the shit out of Adam Strange.

Back on his home planet, Despero kills the priests maintaining the stasis pods of everyone on Kalador. He then frees them and convinces them to be his army to take over some other planets. I hear Rann and Thanagar are particularly nice this time of the galactic cycle. I mean, I don't know where they're actually headed but Hawkman and Adam Strange are headed to Kalador, so maybe they'll run into each other along the way.

Meanwhile, Alanna is acting like an asshole. Maybe she's only now realizing Adam Strange's abuse of power and manipulation of trust in forming a relationship with one of his students. Or student aides. Nearly the same thing.

The Ranking!
No change. DC Comics has decided that all of their mini-series need to be six issues long. But none of their writers seem to be able to come up with a six issue long story. So the pacing is generally all over the place as they try to stretch what little story they have over 120 pages. This issue is absolutely a filler issue. Everything that happened this issue could easily have taken place in a couple pages at the end of last issue and maybe a couple pages at the beginning of the next issue. And I'm sure both of those issues have some pages they could have tossed out.

Death of Hawkman #2

Last issue was mostly a trip to the DMV. I hope this one features a more exciting errand.

Either this issue actually features Hawkman or DC figures people read the first issue and know what's up because this cover doesn't read "Featuring Adam Strange!" I still think this should be called "Adam Strange stars in Strange's Death of Hawkman featuring Adam Strange!"

For this next paragraph, I'm going to assume there are people who like Hawkman.

How would you like to be a fan of Hawkman and then have to read a book about Adam Strange? And, assuming as well that there are Adam Strange fans, how would you like to miss the biggest story featuring Adam Strange because the title was "Death of Hawkman" and all you could think was "Stupid!" as you passed it by to pick up Red Hood and the Outlaws? Well, you'd probably feel like an idiot for a multitude of reasons. But at least Adam Strange is on the cover, so as long as it wasn't a variant cover showing Hawkman fellating himself or an underage girl looking overly sexual, Adam Strange fans probably would have picked it up. Although they probably also would have picked up the comic with the sexualized young girl.

Just a second. My new pretend lawyer Pickle Boy just passed me a note. It reads, "That shot at Adam Strange fans being pedophiles was hilarious! Keep up the legal work!"

This issue begins with blood sloshing all over Adam Strange's head. Is he back at the DMV?

Why am I suddenly thinking about Brokeback Mountain? And why am I suddenly super interested in this fucking. Um, comic! This fucking comic!

Adam and Katar wind up in a battle against "assumed hostiles" before the flashback part of the comic book begins. This time, it's to see what kind of errands Katar Hol went on before winding up on Rann in the middle of a war.

Apparently he had to mail some letters.

Hawkman commits to apprehending a felon (or rebel (or jaywalker))) using excessive force. It's true the "criminal" fights back and even stabs Katar at one point. But it isn't as if Hawkman ever tries to deescalate the situation. I think his whole shtick is to re-escalate situations. It goes a long way toward making Hawkman fans uncomfortable for liking Hawkman so much. If you don't feel uncomfortable about your fangendering over Hawkman after this scene, you might be a bit of a prick. He's just not likable! Unless you like over-the-top violence. I mean, I like Lobo so maybe I'm a hypocrite. But then Lobo's hyperbolic violence has always toed the line between dark humor and outrageously poor taste. And since I like those more than I actually like violence, I'm okay with Lobo. But Hawkman is an authority figure who thinks the best way to fight crime is to bash it all into a bloody paste. You might not see the difference between enjoying a villain who murders indiscriminately and an authority figure tasked with keeping people safe who maims barely discriminately but I do! Mostly because it allows me to not judge my own likes and dislikes because I'm basing them as the norm and anybody's desires which differ too widely from mine is a perverse monster.

The flashback doesn't remain on Hawkman and his visit to the post office. We also catch up on what Adam Strange was doing when he first arrived on Rann at the beginning of this war story.

Dammit. I wish I hadn't seen this. I'm as shocked as you are lady. At least my lawyer, Pickle Boy, says I have even less to fear about litigation from those pedophiles. I mean Adam Strange fans!

Oh man. If you think that one panel was incriminating, wait until you see the two that followed it!

Gross!

Adam Strange remarks that Rann currently looks like Dresden in World War II. I guess he couldn't think of any more modern cities that got the shit bombed out of them in his millennium. Or maybe he just thought better of bringing them up. Dresden is long enough ago that people can think, "Collateral damage was just a part of the world back then! It was necessary and it worked!" Saying that now might not be something you should say, no matter how much you like Hawkman and really want to say it.

Adam finds Alanna alive but Sardath is dead. That's fine because Sardath always winds up betraying people for scientific reasons and then going, "Who?! Me? But look at all the science I got done!"

Back on Thanagar, Hawkman gets dressed down for being too violent. Instead of saying, "Yeah, you know what. Sorry. Maybe I need some counseling or something," he thinks, "But in America, I'm celebrated for bashing people in the face with a mace!" And to drive the point home, he doesn't think about bashing some invulnerable villain into submission. Instead, he remembers a time when he bashed an innocent victim of Starro in the side of the face with his mace. What a fucking dick.

Katar Hol quits or is fired and storms out of the office. What an idiot! Now when he beats the shit out of somebody, it will be as a criminal and not as a badge carrying officer of the peace!

Back on Rann, Alanna decides to blame an entire race of people on the actions of two Thanagarians. I guess she's used to being an American hero as well.

After leaving his job, Katar and his penis decide to go to a bar and have a racy conversation with a lady and her vagina.

I may not know all the ins and outs of sex but I'm pretty sure wet is an innuendo for something that happens during it!

Pickle Boy just Googled "wet" and "sexy times". It turns out when a lady gets really horny, her vagina looks like it sneezed.

Adam Strange decides to investigate the site of the bombing. Luckily the computers weren't damaged by the explosion that made the rest of the city look like Dresden. He discovers that somebody used the Zeta Beam to teleport a number of mystery people to Rann! I bet one of those was Despero because I like to take easy bets that are practically foolproof.

I win the bet! Now who bet against me? Be honest! You owe me ten dollars. No wait! Twenty dollars!

Despero will always be the most dangerous DC Universe enemy to me. Because when I was first getting into comics, the Justice League was destroyed by him. Granted, it was a terrible version of the Justice League with Vibe and Gypsy and Vixen and Steel. But he still destroyed them all! Or at least he made them all feel so bad about themselves that they could barely limp through another few months before being completely dismantled during Legends.

Adam fights with Alanna because she's super racist and really into fear-mongering. But he thinks he has a lead so he tells her he needs to go for a walk and then teleports to Hawkman's apartment where Katar has apparently had the worst sex of his life.

Either it was truly terrible sex or Katar is a really disturbing individual who prefers to beat the shit out of people than to have sex with them. I don't mean the objects of those two statements are the same people! I'm not suggesting he goes out and fucks criminals.

Strange teleports in on Hawkman naked and now I realize why I was thinking of Brokeback Mountain earlier!

The Ranking!
No change! Oh fuck it. I'm enjoying this stupid comic book for some reason. It's probably the sweet anticipation of Hawkman's imminent death. I'm like that guy on the side of the Grecian Urn with an eager boner that will never get to be used. I mean, that might not be so great for the guy with the boner. But at least the lady he's going to put it in (or guy? No wait. The rest of this statement doesn't work if he's Greek. I mean gay) can enjoy the infinite anticipation of the approaching sex act without ever having to experience the terrible letdown of a shitty lover. Also, I won't have to live in anticipation of Hawkman's death for eternity. I just have to survive three more months!

Death of Hawkman #1

Featuring Adam Strange?! Deal!

The Commentary!
• I can't wait until this comic book ends! Not because I hate Hawkman! Because the title indicates that at the end of this comic book, Hawkman will die and I hate Hawkman! It's a subtle difference.

• Here's another thing I don't exactly hate but I certainly don't care much about: the relationship between Rann and Thanagar! I've had enough space pulp fiction this year thanks to Cullen Bunn's Aquaman. If that statement makes your head hurt, complain to that jerk Colon Bunn! And his stupid editor, Brian Cuntingham.

• Ho boy! The DC You Aquaman retooling was terrible! So awful! Criminal almost! I'm talking to a lawyer about a lawsuit! I mean, if I buy a comic book with Aquaman on the cover, I expect a useless idiot talking to fish and fighting for ocean rights! But what did I get with Bunn's Aquaman?! An Aquaman with every super power you can think of and traveling to another planet with lots of Swords and Sorcery bullshit thrown in! Plus his new costume made him look like he was suffering from priapism! Half the time I was reading the comic book, I kept thinking, "Is he going to fight that alien barbarian or fuck him?!"

• The story begins with Hawkman and Adam Strange in the thick of battle! Or just after the thick of battle, anyway. So, you know, it starts in a lull in the action with Hawkman and Adam Strange skulking in debris. Adam Strange mentions this battle began a few weeks ago so I hope this comic book doesn't suddenly go, "A few weeks ago!" Just once, I'd like to read a comic book that begins in the middle of the action and just fucking stays there!

• I noticed the first couple episodes of Luke Cage began like that. They definitely want you to know you're watching a comic book!

Goddammit!

• The story actually begins in the DMV which is at least a little bit more exciting than beginning with Hawkman. At least in the DMV, I'm prepared for interesting characters conquering the mundane battles of a weary world one form at a time! I suppose beginning with Hawkman doesn't mean that's not something that can happen. It just means that instead of thinking about how we're all constant heroes by facing the hardships of adulthood in a society that desperately hates the idea of individuality, I'll be thinking, "Hawkman sucks!"

• Speaking of Hawkman, where the hell is he? This comic book is about his death! You'd think he'd be in the stupid thing for more then three pages! Let me skip ahead a bit while Adam Strange is having trouble with the Zeta Beam and see when he gets back into the story. Ten pages...twelve...sixteen...twenty...oh man. Hawkman isn't even in the rest of this thing! No wonder somebody forced somebody else to put "Featuring Adam Strange" on the cover! Otherwise they might have thought this was a Hawkman comic book! I mean, I'm sure they still thought it was a Hawkman comic book and not an Adam Strange comic book. But it's totally an Adam Strange comic book! Instead of "Featuring Adam Strange", it would have been more honest to put, above "Death of Hawkman", "Adam Strange in..."!

• I think I might have another lawsuit! I'm going to call my pretend lawyer!

• Yes! My pretend lawyer says he thinks we have a case! He seemed a little perturbed that I didn't want to sue for money. If I win, I get to put my scrotum in Dan Didio's mouth for fifteen seconds!

• Luckily Adam Strange's Zeta Beam didn't work because moments after not appearing in front of Alanna and her father, two Thanagarians walk into the lab and say, "Excuse me, do you serve Birdmen here?" Also they ignite the bombs on their chests and blow everything up. Including Alanna and her father. Although probably not.

• How embarrassing would it be to blow yourself up with another guy and then later when you appear in heaven, you go to high-five each other and realize the people you blew up aren't there in heaven with you! Or would it be more embarrassing to high-five in front of the people you just killed? That's kind of tacky, right?

Is this canon?!

• After the DMV and missing his ride to Rann, Adam Strange consults books and maps and does math as he tries to figure out how to get back to Rann. It's so exciting! Who wouldn't have decided the best option when telling this story wasn't to keep telling the story about the battle of Rann but to go back in time when Adam Strange was lost and had to look for directions back home! What a smart choice, Marc Andreyko!

• Adam can't figure out that map I scanned earlier. I guess it has too much information for him to process. So he takes it to Cyborg aboard the Justice League Watchtower. Who gave him a Justice League Identity Card and Teleport Key?!

• Apparently Adam needed to visit those five cities minus New York which makes it four cities so shut up. That's why he needed Cyborg's help! Cyborg, excited to be of some use to some member of the Justice League (even if it's Adam Strange of Justice League Canada), steps up and does the heroic thing! He operates the teleporter! Way to go, Cyborg! That's some of the best work you've done in years!

• Adam flashes his Justice League Identity Card to guards at all the locations he visits (WayneTech, LexCorps, Ferris Air, and Belle Reve) and they all let him in. Nobody says, "We haven't seen your stupid Zeta beam here!" Nobody says, "Get the fuck out! Justice League Canada! Ha ha!" Nobody says, "What's Batman really like?" It's all so unbelievable!

• Adam Strange is on the most boring adventure I've ever read in a comic book. I have to find my "This is totally unbelievable!" moments even in mundane bullshit like this!

• At Belle Reve, Adam asks if any prisoners have disappeared. You know, because of the Zeta Beam misfire! The guards assure him that nobody is missing as they walk by a cell with the name Despero on it. It's in the stasis wing where prisoners are kept in stasis (how is that for an unnecessary explanation?!) if you were wondering, "WHAT THE FUCK IS DESPERO DOING IN A CELL IN BELLE REVE?! HOLY SHIT! OH WAIT! WHY AM I GETTING SO EXCITED OVER A COMIC BOOK?!" I know, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, that that's a clue! The Zeta Beam must have grabbed Despero! Also, um, Despero is on the cover looking prison-escape smug!

• If Despero is missing from Belle Reve, that means other things from the other locations are probably missing too! So maybe Adam Strange and Hawkman will find a WayneTech accountant on Rann who will help them with a numbers puzzle! And then they'll run into a LexCorps Bizarro janitor who has some kind of deadly laser mop that will help them defeat a monster! And then they'll find Carol Ferris's underwear in a tree which they'll have to sniff because they're only human. Oh, and Thanagarian!

• Eventually, through no actions of his own, Adam is picked up by the Zeta Beam and returns to Rann to find it destroyed!

This is an unfortunate place to cut off Adam's statement. I mean, unfortunate in that I didn't feel like being aroused right now!

The Ranking!
-10! Okay, I guess that's a little harsh. For a comic book where Adam Strange goes to the DMV and then visits a few places on Earth and does nothing to solve the mystery or advance the plot in any way, it wasn't that bad! I mean, the comic is called Death of Hawkman! Somebody made that choice so I don't feel bad ranking that choice quite poorly. When you see the phrase "Death of Hawkman," you immediately think of Thanagarian space battles and hard, well-oiled pectoral muscles, and veiny, throbbing wings, and epic space battles with lasers, and racism! You don't think "Adam Strange having the most boring day ever!" I mean, that's reason enough to rank this comic book like shit! Even though, I mean, Adam Strange's boring day wasn't that terrible a read. If this had been called A Regular Day in the Life of Adam Strange (on Earth Without His Laser or Space Adventures, Just So You Know What You're Getting Into), I probably would have given it a +1!

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #2

Chip Kidd has gotten sloppy with his cropping.

This issue say Batman and the Outsiders on the cover so if you were a Batman and the Outsiders fan, you might think, "Hey! Maybe I should pick this up and enjoy some sweet, sweet on the bus stealth masturbation in my pants with this comic on my lap!" But you'd be wrong because you should only masturbate in public even if you are female and I'd like to see that while riding the bus. But especially if you're a guy because I don't want to see your O-face or have to dodge your bodily fluids when you reach enlightenment. Is that how you reach enlightenment? If it is, I must be doing it wrong because I usually just reach naptime. Maybe I just need more practice?

Anyway, what I was trying to say before my brain sidetracked me is that Batman and the Outsiders fans are going to be disappointed when they open this book and realize they're reading an OMAC comic book instead. Fucking OMAC. This is where if I touted myself as an unbiased comic book review site, I'd say, "Now, I have nothing against OMAC but when I purchase a Batman and the Outsiders comic book, I want to read Batman and the Outsiders." But I'm a completely biased comic book review site and I have everything against OMAC. Even DC Comics decided he was stupid which is why they changed his name from One Man Army Corps to something else which I can't remember. And he's always taking orders from artificial intelligence trying too hard to seem human. So for a long time, "Brother" Eye gave him "suggestions" on how to "save" the world. This comic book begins with not Brother Eye commanding him but Godmother. So I guess this is going to be some kind of fairy tale? Will OMAC eventually become a real princess/boy/woman respected for her accomplishments instead of just her good looks (although she'll still have the good looks because Hollywood is pretty sure audiences only have a limited ability to suspend disbelief)? Although now I'm sort of hoping this comic book goes all Boxing OMAC on me.

Geoforce does manage to show up on about page four which I'm grateful for. Not because I like Geoforce! It's just that a knife in the kidney is better than a thin, long needle up the urethra. I think. Having never experienced both of those things, I can't really compare.

Hey Letterer! That guy flying up in the air in the second panel? Not Geoforce.

Black Lightning is busy recovering from Sudden Onset Lightning Powers while a little kid bothers him. Then a big kid named Batman bothers him with the usual Bat-orders: "Drop everything and do what I say!" He probably stamps his foot as he says it while Alfred mutters to himself about spoiled brats and shitty health care.

Halo has recently exploded out of a coma burying Katana and a number of the hospital staff in rubble. But that's okay! She's a hero! Normal people should be glad to sacrifice their lives for added drama in the lives of super heroes.

Jesus Christ, Letterer. Am I going to have to continually correct you?! It's GABY not GABBY!

I suppose I should learn who the letter is on this comic book but I haven't hit the credits page yet and I don't want to skip ahead and see spoilers! Plus I should probably be yelling at Andreyko and not the letterer. Andreyko is definitely the one that scripted Halo yelling "Katana" and not "Tatsu" like she probably would have. Maybe Halo just learned, after repeatedly being threatened with hospitalization for punctured lungs, not to call Tatsu by her name in public.

Meanwhile Rex and Sapphire climb out of the shower and wrap camping tarps around their naked bodies because they're fucking weird, I guess. Metamorpho grosses Sapphire out. I don't mean he started making racist comments! He just turned into a monster while they were fucking and had trouble keeping his face from sliding off of his "skull." Skull is in quotation marks because Metamorpho doesn't really have a skeleton until he thinks about it and makes one for himself.

How does Metamorpho control his ability? If I had the ability to turn myself into any element, I doubt my body would respond to my brain thinking, "Turn into gold!" What do I know about the properties of gold?! It's shiny and it's the color of gold! Half of that you could have guessed without even having ever seen gold in real life! At least I could probably come up with a semblance of gold. Maybe pyrite. But how would I turn into other elements like magnesium? Or neon? Or Einsteinium? Is that one?

Geoforce meets up with OMAC and I forgot that Geoforce's name had a hyphen in it. I don't care. I don't think it should have a hyphen in it so I'm going to stubbornly refuse to type it correctly. Later I might even misgender him for kicks.

Batman and the other Outsiders arrive to help Geoforce defeat OMAC which is when I learn the letterer is Steve Wands. Don't worry, Steve! I'm not going to blame you for the previous gaffs. I'm sure they were due to Andreyko's scripting. And if you write anything about one of the characters being raped, I won't blame you for that either. We all know who's responsible for that! *touches side of nose because I think it means something*

The rest of the comic will probably be one long fight followed by an earthquake followed by everybody hugging Halo because she's better while Metamorpho cries in the corner.

Black Lightning insulting Batman to his face.

The earthquake actually hits in the middle of the fight because why not get that editorial mandated crap out of the way as soon as possible. After that, Andreyko returns to making mistakes in his script.

Halo was in a coma for the same amount of time Rex was human. She doesn't know he's "back"! It's also possible Steve fucked this up and that should have been Tatsu's line. Maybe I should just blame Marc and Steve equally for all of the mistakes.

Batman and the Outsiders defeat OMAC and he disappears along with Kamandi's New York. I guess. I actually don't think any of the cities will remain non-existent at the end of this. I think some of the creative teams took the Multiversal Thunderdome too seriously. Especially since these battles are set up in such a way that a city shouldn't disappear simply because one of the city's champions lost their own individual battle. I bet at the end of Convergence somebody snaps their fingers and all the worlds magically wind up in a happy place where their universe gets to exist in a state that never changes from each huge pending Crisis (in this case, Crisis on Infinite Earths).

After the battle, Batman is all, "Hey Rex! I hope you're not planning on killing yourself now? Oh wait! You can't kill yourself! Ha ha!" And then Rex is all, "Don't be too sure about that! Elemental Woman took her own life! Or will take her own life! Or...do Vertigo books count in our universe?" And then the story ends and everybody lives ambiguously ever after!

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #2 Rating: I enjoyed the art! It was happening! The story was average. There were mistakes. So I guess I'll rate this comic book 6 Roy G. Bivs out of Ten!

Divergence: Batman Beyond
"Trapped in the future, Tim Drake becomes the new Batman Beyond as he protects a Gotham City that stands on the edge of a great disaster."

I bet all of the Terry McGinnis fans are dancing in the streets over this decision, amirite?! That was sarcasm! I probably shouldn't use sarcasm because it makes me sound like Chandler Bing and nobody knows who that is anymore. The good thing about Tim Drake having time traveled to become Batman Beyond is that my theory about Tim Drake being Harvest has inched that much closer to being correct! He's got thirty five years of the time travel part down! Now he just needs to time travel another 965 years and somehow become a vampire!

In the Sneak Peek, Tim Drake learns that he needs to fight cyborgs and rescue survivors in the name of Terry McGinnis. Terry McGinnis fans learn that this comic book sucks donkey vomit. I think it's just more Futures End repackaged in a less interesting, um, package! And it's written by Dan Jurgens so it'll be set in the future but it'll feel an awful lot like 1986.

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #1

Whenever Geoforce passes out at a party, somebody always writes a big "Y" after the "F" on his chest.

Batman and the Outsiders were my first favorite super hero team. I had a crush on Halo. I thought Katana was bad-ass. Metamorpho was fucking hilarious to a thirteen year old boy. I wanted to be Black Lightning. And I thought Geoforce was the most boring fucking fictional character ever created. Batman just seemed like the parent that wouldn't let them do all the super cool stuff they wanted to do. Maybe it's because of this series that I never really became a huge Batman fan. I just saw him as a bossy parental figure that I wanted to get away from.

I've been rereading the old series and it holds up in the way that comic books from the early eighties hold up. Which is not very well but you give the comic book a lot of slack and try to view it through the eyes of your younger self. One of the things that series taught me was that you could build characters best not through conflict but through the downtime out of the super hero suits. Marvel probably does that better and more often but they also tend to overdramatize problems that I, even when I was younger, barely saw as problems. Stop fucking whining and deal with it, assholes. You can either be a victim and allow everybody around you an inordinate amount of influence on your life or you can just say "Fuck 'em all" and get on with being who you want to be. I'm looking at you, Peter Parker! Unless I'm looking at Scott Summers. I don't know! It's been a long time since I really read any Marvel books besides Ms. Marvel, She-Hulk, Moon Knight, Superior Six, and Inhumans.

Speaking of overly dramatic writing, Mike W. Barr must have thought he was writing Shakespearean plays at times. Holy fuck can he turn a ridiculous phrase! And Jim Aparo's facial expressions! Hoo boy, do these cats react to shit! The last time I saw so many open, gaping mouths was at Glory Hole Fest 2014.

But that's the old days. This may be the old Outsiders but Andreyko will probably (hopefully) give them a bit of a modern sensibility. And maybe somebody will get raped! I mean, not really raped! Just, you know, hypnotized into thinking they like the person and then being told afterward by the "hypnotist" that you can't hypnotize somebody into doing something they don't want to do so being fucked while under hypnosis is implicit consent! So there, fandom!

I don't care how many people call me a misogynist. Without the outside controversy and Andreyko's insistence that Batwoman wasn't hypnotized, it was actually a well done story about hypnotism. Especially the way the hypnotist reacts when confronted by the victim and piles all of the blame onto her. But I guess nobody is allowed to write hypnotism stories anymore because women aren't allowed to be victims of hypnosis anymore because it perpetuates hypnosis culture which causes more women to become victims because when a person reads that story they realize people can get away with hypnotism and not getting away with hypnotism and getting thrown in prison for it is the only thing keeping somebody from hypnotizing.

I mean, you know, aside from the fact that nobody wants to see their favorite character whose comic book they're supporting go through a bunch of horrible shit that they shouldn't be going through since they're the hero trying to prevent this kind of crap. Unless it's Batman. Fuck Batman.

I opened this comic book just now and realized it's the first one from the third week which means a new Fight Card! Just as I thought by the characters being spotlighted this week, the battles take place in Earth-One Pre-Crisis Gotham City. The other cities featured are Kamandi's New York, Vampire Batman's Gotham, the Atomic Knights' Durvale, and Central City from the Tangent Universe. I don't know anything about the Tangent Universe. I hope Infinity Inc. deals with those guys. I want Batman and the Outsiders to battle vampire Batman so that the Outsiders can take all of their Batman is a dickhole frustations out on a surrogate Batman.

The beginning sounds a lot like a Mike W. Barr comic book.

This issue is called "The New Normal." This normal is really new for these characters that have never known a true DC Crisis event! They're used to a lot of weird shit happening but things continue along as normal. Although occasionally some really fucking weird shit goes down and everybody just agrees to pretend that it never happened. The old normal was chill like that.

Batman has been working on the mystery of the dome for 364 days now. He gives Jim Gordon an update on his progress which amounts to "I don't know shit but that won't stop me from 'investigating' it more." At what point do you stop calling what you're doing detective work and just admit that you're killing time? It's not like he has any clues to follow. Any analysis of the Dome would have taken place on Day 1 of the investigation and that was probably the last day any progress was made.

What is Dr. Thompkins shocked about in the fourth panel?

I guess when the Dome came down, Gabrielle's parasitic alien whatever-the-hell stopped functioning and she slipped back into a coma. Unless I'm remembering her origin incorrectly. I haven't gotten that far in my reread to get a refresher on Halo and her powers. But I guess she gets her hair cut after Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Meanwhile Geoforce is moving masses amounts of broken asphalt with his bare hands. What the fuck is that about?! Was Dr. Jace so good at giving people Earth Powers that he retained them after the Dome fell? Or is Geoforce just that naturally boring? I mean strong!

Geoforce goes off with the others to...*snrrk snrrl SNORE*

Where...what?! Oh, uh, sorry. I seem to have passed out there for a second. I drooled all over my comic book. Let's see, I was probably done reading this Geoforce crap so let's skip ahead to Rex and Sapphire.

Why Mrs. Stagg! Is your butt trying to seduce me?!

Metamorpho might be the only person truly happy under the Dome since he now has a real flesh and blood penis to put inside of any one of three magical Sapphire Stagg orifices. Unless he only has access to two of them. Or just one. Hell, just one is more than he deserves, the big mug.

Back in the Batcave, Batman continues his investigation.

See?! I knew it! The big fucking phony! Pretending that he's got some kind of investigation going on!

The next day is the day the Dome drops. Everybody is going about their normal business and, luckily, Rex and Saph are getting one last good shower fuck in. Because it's time for Planet Brainiac to welcome everybody to Thunderdome.

Luckily Rex's dick isn't inside Sapphire when he regains his powers and he just burns the shit out of her arm and probably her boobs and maybe her stomach. But mostly she's probably okay. Good thing Rex didn't transform instantly into Magnesium, amirite?! No seriously. Am I? Would that have been bad?

Gaby comes out of her coma, Geoforce flies up into the sky, Katana's sword probably starts speaking to her again, Black Lightning recharges, and Batman hits a big red button. It's probably a call to gather The Outsiders because they're going to be battling OMAC and an army of mutants from Kamandi's world next issue.

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #1 Rating: It seemed like a lot to pack in since this is a pretty big team for this two issue set up. But I like the glimpses we got of all but one of the characters. Actually, Black Lightning had a pretty boring arc. And Katana's arc was really just worrying about Halo. And Batman's arc was just showing how fucking useless he really is. So Rex's story was the only one that was truly interesting. And mostly that's because it had fucking in the shower.

Batwoman Annual #2

Break me off a piece of that Kate Kane Bar!

Back in 2003, I took an airplane to Denver. I carried with me a sealed box that was about one foot square. I had not packed this box myself. I had no idea what was in the box. But it was part of my carry-on luggage and nobody fucking questioned me about it or its contents. I guess the TSA didn't give a shit about the mishmash of weird shit they must have seen inside it via their x-ray vision box. It was full of super hero buttons and magnets and weird toys and candy and at least one bottle of Pepsi Blue. I think the only reason I wasn't hassled about it was because I had no fucking clue it might be a problem. I also didn't put my toiletries in a Ziploc bag and I'm fairly certain my deodorant was way bigger than the limit. I probably also had some Disc Golf Discs which, I'm fairly certain, can be used to hijack a plane.

I mention this because I just thought about it and I think I probably should have asked the person who gave me the box of goodies what I was transporting across state lines. More importantly, I don't think the TSA really give a shit about anything.

This issue begins where Issue #35 left off before the flashback issues. Unless it was an issue other than #35. What am I? One of those editors that add smarmy boxes to the comic book with a stupid nickname attached to them? "See Issue #35--Tell-it-like-it-is Tess!"

The Unknowns have crashed back to Earth where they find themselves in a Gotham they no longer recognize. I think it has something to do with Morgaine using a Mystic Whatzit in a satellite to turn Gotham into Dark Camelot. Or something. I'm just making wild guesses here until I find a pretty picture that I can scan.

Morgaine is queen of Wherever-The-Fuck-They-Are-Shire and she's decided to summon some thugs to kill The Unknowns before they can stop her.

Oh look! It's the crew from Arkham from Issue #29: La Cucaracha, The Blue Fairy, Nocturna, Frat Disaster, and The Janitore! -- Tell-it-like-it-is Tess!

While The Unknowns hide out trying to figure out what Earth they fell back to, they learn that Clayface eats by shoving food in his face hole. They don't get any more details about how it all works though. I think the food just eventually makes its way back out of him and he trails chewed food around wherever he goes. It's probably how Batman finds him even when he's disguised as somebody else. Most people don't have chewed food constantly bubbling out of their skin. Just Clayface. And maybe Bullock.

So while Batwoman (while wearing a robe made of Clayface) is out searching for food, she's ambushed by Nocturna and her crew! And thankfully Nocturna gives their real names.

Frat Disaster is Man o'war. Blue Fairy is Absinthe. La Cucaracha is Scatter. And Janitore is Mr. Mortis. So I was really close on all of them!

Clayface and Batwoman retreat into a dark alley and then only Batwoman emerges. Although she now has a sword and is in chainmail so I think this must be Clayface disguised as Batwoman. Batwoman escapes to go find Jason Blood so they can get Etrigan back on the team. When she last saw Etrigan, he was just bones in space.

Kate gathers up Jason Blood, Ragman, and Red Alice before they all teleport into Morgaine's throne room for the big end of the series battle. It's probably going to end in hell fire and a word that rhymes with hell fire!

I'm disappointed that there was no rhyme.

After the stone is smashed, Gotham returns to normal. The best thing to come out of this entire story is that Jason Blood and Etrigan are once again stuck with each other. I think it's finally time for a modern day Demon comic book! Radu has already been introduced. Now we just need Uncle Harry and Glenda.

The book ends with Kate Kane going to see Maggie Sawyer to talk. Hopefully she tells her what a condescending idiot she's been this whole time. Kate never should have taken it upon herself to "fix" Maggie's relationship with her ex-husband. It wasn't any of Kate's business and she should have just stood by Maggie and supported her during the court proceedings. If things had gone bad and the ex-husband wound up with full custody of Maggie's kid, then Batwoman could have beat the shit out of him and forced him to relinquish all of his parental rights. That's the plan she should have come up with!

Batwoman Annual #2 Rating: I'm glad that the book ended with the possibility of The Unknowns remaining a team working together in Gotham. I'd actually like to see Clayface turn his life around. Hell, I'd like to see a bunch of Batman's enemies go straight. Why not? Just make up new enemies for Batman every year. Haven't we heard every fucking version of a Mad Hatter or a Scarecrow or a Riddler or a Joker or a Bane or a Mr. Freeze story yet?

Batwoman #40

Bye bye, best super hero team ever!

Batwoman and her gang of hoodlums only have one issue left to get into space so that they can catch up to their story where they fell out of space. I don't think it can be done in twenty pages! Maybe this issue will end with everybody boarding a rocket! Which could mean that they all really did burn up upon reentry way back in Issue #35. Then they probably went to hell where Etrigan can put them up for a year or so until they can all find their way out.

If getting into space and then resolving the story from the point where the team returned from space seems like too much to cover in just twenty pages, then how is there going to be any room left over for more sexy creepy, passionate emotionally abusive relationship scenes between Kate and Natalia? I'm pretty sure they need to fuck break up this issue once Kate realizes she's horny she's been hypnotized by short robes and lacy under garments a vampire all of this time. Such a cute gross relationship, amirite?

While Morgaine realizes she needs to get her powerful pet rock into space where it can transform the world into a new Avalon, Kate learns that Natalia's step-daughter has been found murdered! And by step-daughter, I mean the daughter of the man that Natalia married and murdered for his money and who probably would never actually want to be referred to as Natalia's any kind of daughter. Kate suddenly begins having flashes of images that seem to indicate she killed this woman. Of course she's being set up by Natalia and it's all part of the Vampire Hypnotism game (aka rape if you're not a standard issue Universal Monster. Although the Mummy has always been vocally against monsters committing acts of "Vampire Hypnotism." It's just nobody can understand him with all the bandages in his mouth. Frankenstein, too busy trying to quiet the rumors of pedophilia, never had any comments on the subject). Kate needs to find out some answers so she visits Natalia to get this whole thing resolved before getting to the space fight against Morgaine.

Red Alice follows along because she loves her sister and wants to save her. Contrariwise, she might just hate Natalia and wants to ruin her. I don't have a coin nearby with a scar on it (I left it in the other room), so I'll have to remain indecisive about Red Alice's motivations. In the end it doesn't matter because she's going to break up the relationship or become a vampire trying.

Wait. Is this sex or violence?

While Beth tries to convince Kate that she isn't really a vampire or into Natalia's hot little body in the least, Morgaine breaks into STAR Labs to steal a rocket ship. But that's boring so let's get back to the big break-up!

Kate refuses to bite Beth in the neck. Or maybe she tried for a second off panel while the scene was following Morgaine and she realized her normal human teeth have a much tougher time biting into neck arteries than nice, pointy vampire teeth. So, due to the scene cut, it's kind of ambiguous when she says, "I can't!" Unless it isn't. I'm not very good at reading comic books. I still think Kate and Natalia are a super adorable couple!

Vampire Hypnotism Apologist! You're just contributing to Vampire Hypnotism Culture, Beth!

But wait! The real break-up scene is yet to come! That's the next page where Marc Andreyko decides to write a scene defending his story to the critics instead of writing an actual break-up scene between Kate and Natalia!

Marc: "See? It wasn't rape, you twits! It was just all part of Kate Kane's horribly damaged psyche! Readers on the internet are so dumb!"

Well, that explains that! Can't argue with the Vampire Hypnotist telling her victim that she wasn't Vampire Hypnotized at all! "You wanted it, Batwoman! You were begging for it!" Totally sounds consensual and not anything like Vampire Hypnotism to me. I'm sure glad the alleged Vampire Hypnotist put it all into context like this and pointed out how the victim was...I don't want to say "to blame"...um..."responsible" for the alleged act of Vampire Hypnotism.

This scene would have been so much better if Kate had just been, "You Vampire Hypnotized me? Why you fucking bitch!" Then she could have clawed out Natalia's eyes and scooped out her ovaries through her vagina. No wait. That's probably going too far! Although what happens next is kind of close!

I think Andreyko should have just gone from the "You hypnotized me?" to this scene and skipped that whole part where he gave voice to the Vampire Hypnotist's excuse.

Kate leaves Nocturna pinned to the wall with the police on the way since Red Alice used a cell phone to stream Natalia's confession to Maggie Sawyer and/or some other cop like Bullock or something. Natalia continues to blame Kate as Kate walks out horrified at the entire ordeal. Maybe going into space and beating the shit out of some other woman will do her some good. Poor Morgaine is in for some serious projected aggression!

Beth and Kate have a heart-to-heart sisterly chat before Ragman appears and tells them they have more important things to deal with! So stop crying, forget about what happened, digest your sister's Through the Looking Glass quotes and get into space already!

Oh, an annual! That makes sense! I knew twenty pages weren't enough to end this thing. It took nearly that many to deal with the, ahem, alleged Vampire Hypnotism!

Batwoman #40 Rating: No change. Now that I can be a bit more serious in tone here in the Limbo area where my real review of the issue supposedly takes place but rarely does because I don't really care about legitimate reviewing, let's go back to that scene where Kate learns she's been hypnotized by Natalia and she realizes that she was hypnotized into having sex with her. Confused and still processing the event, Kate asks her rapist point blank, "You forced me to have sex with you?" Obviously Kate should realize at this moment that she was manipulated and raped and she doesn't need confirmation from her attacker. Natalia's comments are exactly what you would expect to hear from the rapist which makes her all the more terrible. This scene, without the outside controversy, actually makes sense and portrays Natalia as the monster Kate declares she is. But with the controversy and Marc Andreyko going on Twitter way back when to explain that Kate doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do and that the encounter wasn't rape, Natalia's comments just come across as Andreyko trying to explain away the rape. So a scene in which a woman's attacker piles blame onto her victim, a scene that I could believe would happen, just comes across as a petty attempt by the writer to prove that the rape never actually occurred. It's kind of mind-boggling. If I had any stake in Andreyko's writing, I'd say he wrote this scene correctly and it doesn't have anything to do with the outside controversy. But since I'm not his mother, I can't help but read it as a desperate attempt at damage control. Of course it's coming way too late! Most people that were disturbed by the rape scene dropped the book then and there, if not a few months earlier.

Anyway, I hope Batwoman can return soon without all of this drama packed up in her suitcases. Let's clean the slate and get her back to fighting crime alongside The Unknowns as soon as possible! Please?

Batwoman #39

Red Alice is finally here to murderfuck every face in the room!

Red Alice has that super hot look that says, "I'm not into men and even if I were, you'd be way beneath my standards." So irresistible!

Previously in this comic book, some fucking crazy shit was going down all over Gotham. A bunch of crazy characters were involved. And Kate Kane was having mega-sexy sex with Nocturna right on panel! Well, kind of on panel. Maybe I fantasized it. Let's see if this issue contains any more lesbian sex that I can male gaze up as much as possible, making it all about a man's erection!

I know! I pointed out how you're here to murderfuck! That's totally different! And sexy! And illegal in most European nations!

Kate is probably more worried about what Red Alice did to their father anyway. Murderfucking him would be wrong and icky. That might not even turn me on! No wait. I've thought about it for a second and it totally would.

Kate comes out of her bedroom looking so fucking adorable that it breaks my adorable meter. She says, "B-Beth? Its impossible." I guess she lost her apostrophe in Nocturna's sweet vanilla scented sphincter.

Is this Red Alice's schtick? She quotes Through the Looking Glass and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland all the time? Although I'm not sure "I'm not here to kill you" is a line from either novel! Although I can think of several occasions where Alice might have said it.

Next Nocturna comes out in an incredibly short robe and I have to take a masturbation break. Just kidding! I'm not into lesbians! I respect that their love making is not meant for my benefit and that it is an expression of love between two people just like everybody else's sexual exploits. Although all the other sexual encounters turn me on, so I'm just being myself when I wish for an on panel shot of Kate's face between Nocturna's thighs! I mean, if they were guys, that would be totally different because I was only into that during college that one or two or three times. Or however many times before I lost count. I mean, before I realized I totally wasn't into that because I was super heterosexual!

What's with the question mark shape on Kate's back?! Is that a shout out to Renee Montoya?!

This has always been my explanation for Kate and Nocturna's romance. Kate was just looking to cut loose after having her heart broken by Maggie. Or by herself, really, but whatever. Except all you naysaying jerks that wanted to ruin this adorably hot relationship had to run around with your hair on fire yelling, "The sky is raping! The sky is raping!" You guys are always looking for a reason not to have fun and to get to be righteously angry at somebody! Well no more! Kate and Nocturna are consenting fuck partners and that's the end of it! I mean, Nocturna did turn her into a vampire against her will and is manipulating her through the immortal blood but that's different somehow! Just shut up! I like seeing them kiss!

Nocturna and Red Alice start a whole daytime talk show drama filled screamfest until Kate yells at them in her vampire voice to knock it off. The art also takes a hit around this point. I think the inker might have changed! Anyway, Nocturna and Red Alice don't trust each other but they decide to play nice for Kate's sake. At least for now. Or at least in front of her.

Meanwhile, Clayface uses Ragman's computer to Google himself since he's lost his memory after being used as a mold for Morgaine. He discovers he was an insane murderer and doesn't like it much. I guess Ragman doesn't know Clayface's real name or else Clayface could check out his credits on IMDB while he's at the computer.

Showoff. He's just a Diet Spectre! Oh man. Jelyde is gonna be pissed at me for saying that!

This must be the part where the story catches the reader up on all of the other characters. So let's see what's happening with Jason Blood next.

Radhu! I didn't recognize you without the turban! I bet I won't recognize Uncle Harry either if he's not a pillow. Or Glenda without that thing she was known for.

It turns out Morgaine is waiting for Jason in his apartment with Etrigan gagged and bound at her feet. Are they almost in space?!

Morgaine has come in search of that rock that she winds up sticking in a satellite. But Ragman must have sensed injustice happening because he and Clayface call Batwoman to join them in staring into Jason Blood's rear window. At least the gang is finally all together. Now they just need to find a spaceship.

Morgaine practically said "fart."

Etrigan is so shaken up that he rhymes "blind" with "blind" while making no sense anyway, and then rhymes "death" with "death." Anybody can rhyme like that! Actually, anybody can rhyme anything. What is people's fascination with rhymed words? Rhyming is like the first thing you learn in school!

Anyway, Jason Blood disappears and Morgaine runs off to Slaughter Swamp to raise her army of dead mud creatures. Etrigan points out that they should probably chase her down or else the world is going to end and nobody wants it to end. That was a rhyme!

Batwoman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I get that this isn't anywhere near the same level of great that Batwoman was when it had those other people writing and drawing it. You know, whatever their names were. Blackguy and Prince William the Third. But I'm thoroughly enjoying this version of Batgirl as well. The other version was deep and profound and intimate and emotional. This version is simply fun super hero adventures. And as we all know, DC needs as many fun super hero adventures as they can get. Too bad it was at the expense of Batwoman the Urban Legend Killer.

Batwoman #37

Clayface loves watching vampires fuck.

Now that I'm writing sonnets and being all highbrowed and shit, I'm not sure I should have begun with the vampires fucking line. That could give the tenured professors I attracted to my blog the wrong idea about how intellectual I am! I'd better write another sonnet to get them back on my good side!

Sonnet #Clayface

Does anybody know where vampires fuck?
It's something that I really need to see.
This line ends with a word that rhymes with fuck.
This line should have a word that rhymes with see.

This stanza here is all about Clayface.
Also about the general state of man.
And woman too, of course; there's just no space
To be socially just in every scan.

Now where was I? Oh yeah! Clayface had just
Begun to mope about his life's lost zest,
And the love of his life and her big brust
(I'm sure that's some archaic word for breast).

A man of many faces might I be.
The one that matters most, you'll never see.

Holy fucking shit! I am a genius the likes of which the world has never seen! Sonnet #Clayface might be my best sonnet ever!

The strangest thing you've ever said? Please. Like you've never shouted, "Ram your beautiful blooming piss factory into my gaping maw so my eager pleasure muscle can bring your throbbing love button to an intense state of indescribable quivering ecstasy!"

Earlier in the night, Batwoman threatened a reporter or an ex-girlfriend or just some Nocturna hater. She doesn't want her vendettaing Natalia Mitternicht because that's her vampire girlfriend now. Or her vampire sex mistress. Or just some person that comes by to fuck Kate when she's blackout drunk and won't remember it in the morning. Which is probably a good thing since the act involves a lot of biting and bleeding and pacts to the dark mistress Satan.

Back at Jason Blood's house, Etrigan mentions how he never wants Jason Blood inside him ever again, and Jason Blood says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know who you've been talking to but I ain't into fucking animals." Then Etrigan begins to strangle him and then Batwoman enters and says, "Step away from the naked man." Hmm, I would have ended that with an exclamation point. But then I end over 90% of all of my sentences with one! See?

Meanwhile, some thieves take off with Ragman's Celtic cookie.

Does anybody else think the magic cookie has something to do with Etrigan's sudden appearance? Is that why the burned up cult guy recognized Jason Blood? Were they summoning Etrigan with the virginal sacrifice? I like to believe that scenario since Etrigan should be sharing time with some squatter in London, as seen in Stormwatch Number I don't remember the number (what am I? An editor?).

Really? Strained? Your insult would hold more weight if that were true but this is some of Etrigan's best rhyming so far in the whole New 52! Especially that crack against women! Ha ha! Cowards!

His rhyming later in the encounter gets significantly worse. I'm going to have to admit that Batwoman has a better ear for rhyme than I do. Although she later calls Etrigan's rhymes a "haiku" so maybe she doesn't know anything at all about poetry and rhyme. Perhaps she's simply gained powers of prognostication with the vampire blood now coursing through her so she heard his future rhymes before he rhymed them.

Batwoman and Etrigan manage to say enough during the fight so that they realize the true villains in the current scenario are the robed cult that summoned Etrigan from out of the British squatter. Batwoman learns the cult are trying to resurrect Morgan le Fay which Etrigan assures her is a bad idea. He really drives home the point by rhyming "all" with "all." I guess this quest will get them in contact with Ragman and his Morgan le Fay summoning cookie. But how will Clayface join the team?! And Beth! Or Alice? Whatever.

Clayface is captured by the Cookie Thieves. Easily. Jesus, Batman goes through so much trying to catch this guy and all he needed to do was refer to him as Mr. Karlo and appeal to his acting ability?

Etrigan sniffs vampire sex juice in Kate Kane's wig and points out that she might need a little mystic hoodoo to clean out her system. For the moment, at least, Kate and Natalia's link is broken. Darn. I hope that doesn't mean their relationship is over and now Kate is going to report Natalia to Maggie for sexual molestation and near cannibalism and breaking and entering and holding her hand in public and looking like the most adorable couple ever when they really weren't although come on! They were so cute together! They shouldn't end the relationship simply because it started out on the rape foot! Um, wrong foot! I mean, at the very least, can't we consider it was an ambiguous foot and all agree that they're too cute together to make a fuss about how they first got together?!

Can't everybody just agree for my sake to say, "You know, we're all kind of weirded out by the way Nocturna broke into Kate's apartment and took advantage of her while she was pretty drunk. But for Tess's sake, let's just look at the situation with a less critical eye. I mean, Nocturna did tell Kate that she wasn't Maggie. She didn't lie to her! Sure, Kate was still drunk but it was on wine and how blotto can one really get on wine, right? She was just a bit sleepy at first and thought, 'Oh, hey, Maggie wants to fuck.' But then her vision cleared and she saw it was hot, sexy Nocturna (who, by the way, said, 'I'm not Maggie') and said to herself, 'Oh yeah! I need this random hook-up to make me feel better about the mess I made with my relationship with Maggie. If that sourpuss doesn't want any of this anymore, I'm not going to lock it away in a no-sex-allowed vault!'" See? When you say it that way, I can have my way and you can all not feel angry! We're all much happier now!

Back at the Cookie Thieves' hideout, they shove the cookie inside Clayface and they and all their friends chant the magic Rune Chant.

Ta-da!

Batwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this comic book going to have enough time to get all of these characters back into space before the final issue?! I hope so! Unless the time it takes to tell that story doesn't allow for more pages of Kate and Natalia fucking because then I have to hope for the pages and pages of fucking.