Justice League of America #8

This comic book is full of delusional optimism about my memory.

I'm glad this issue is reminding readers why they should be buying it. Some of you might be thinking, "How is it doing that, Great One?" Well, since you're being so respectful of me and my standing as a comic book reader, I'll tell you! But only after the people who didn't call me "Great One" whip themselves fifteen times across the back with an extension cord.

Done? Okay! The reason people should be reading this comic book is Lobo! See him right there on the cover? He's the handsome one with the lips that you're probably picturing around your genitals. He's definitely not the one dressed as a bat who looks like he just smelled a fart.

The worst part about this cover is that it tries to set up a mystery. "Is he a man? A Monster?" "Oh my gosh! What is he?! I'm so intrigued!" is what I might be saying if the title of the story, "The Man from Monster Valley," didn't answer the question for me. Way to spoil everything, you stupid comic book cover! Hopefully most people who aren't Grandmaster Comic Book Readers didn't notice that because they were too busy furiously masturbating to Lobo's lips.

The story begins 101 miles east of Tunguska. You would know the significance of Tunguska if you had been a huge nerd in the 70s and couldn't miss an episode of In Search Of. Also you might know the significance of it because you were born decades after the 70s and grew up with the Internet at your fingertips and have used it for more than just showing people pictures of the things you've eaten. I'm not sure why Monster Valley is 101 miles away from Tunguska. I guess that's how far the Space Monster Jizz flew after the alien cum shot exploded over Tunguska.

Makson, the man, flees from some robots that keep saying, "S.K.U.L.L. requires." It's about as unintelligible as Makson constantly saying, "Gnawk!" Here are some other things Makson and his bird sidekick say: "Kchawk!", Gnaw-nawk!", and "Chowgk!" That must mean that the "mak" part of Makson's name rhymes with cock. That's good to know, just in case I decide to write a soliloquy about this issue.

For some reason, The Justice League and Black Canary's tits appear out of nowhere to save the day. I thought I was going to praise Lobo and his great ass but have you seen Dinah's tits today?

She might want to get a professional fitting done because I think those things are packed in way too tight.

There's a Hooters just off of Interstate 5 on the border of Washington and Oregon that constantly has part of the sign burned out. So it usually says "HOO ERS" which I find incredibly funny.

S.K.U.L.L. happen to be tech rivals of WayneCorp so Batman is using his ties to the Justice League of America to put them out of business. You would think choosing the name S.K.U.L.L. would have done that years ago. But I guess their products are just too good. I wonder what S.K.U.L.L. stands for? I hope the final two letters stand for Lex Luthor. Maybe the name is short for Serial Killers Under Lex Luthor Fighting Upstart Corporate Kompetitors?

The Justice League of America (and Black Canary's tits) destroy all of S.K.U.L.L.'s resources and then notice that Makson didn't die in the battle. So they say, "Yay! We saved him!" But they didn't save the bird creatures which were his family and maybe also the place he enjoyed putting his penis. He must have been fucking something in Monster Valley. Maybe that's what makes him a monster?!

Back in New York, Makson the Monster Man becomes the hit of the waste of time daytime talk and fluff news shows circuit. He also decides wearing a manbun would be the best look for him. I like the manbun. It's a good indicator that the person is somebody I might punch in the face if I have to spend more than five minutes around them. I wish more people I wanted to avoid would wear them!

Makson is apparently in this thirties. What I'm saying is he has definitely fucked a lot of different monsters and possibly trees in Monster Valley.

For some reason, Steve Orlando thought it would be a good idea to focus on Makson instead of Lobo. Does he simply hate selling lots of comic books? I suppose if Makson becomes super popular, he'll get creator's rights and a teeny, tiny royalty check when the Makson movie hits porn theaters across the country in 2019. But he'd probably make more money simply by focusing on Lobo. I would pay about a dollar more per issue if I was guaranteed twenty pages of Lobo and his tight ass-*coughcough*-assin's credo.

Makson wound up in Monster Valley at three years old when his parents' plane crashed, killing his mother and father. He learned English from the plane's emergency manuals which explains why he's using "foraging" incorrectly in the following panel:

The word you're looking for is "fucking."

Back in Happy Harbor, Black Canary is all, "What if he's a big fakey douche? Look at his manbun! Seems suspicious!" But Ray is all, "I think he's cool because I want to eat his asshole." But Batman is all, "I agree with Black Canary because when have I ever trusted anybody? We'd better figure out what he's really up to!" And Lobo is all, "Can I kill him yet?"

The members who want to trust Makson are all, "Batman is a fucking dick! He's supposed to trust people and give them second chances! How dare he not interfere with the guy's life at all while secretly investigating him to make sure his story adds up so that he doesn't wind up hurting or killing people? Asshole!" It's a good thing Batman doesn't care what his lackeys think about him.

Ryan Choi disagrees with Batman but understands that phrase about being better is safer than being sorry. You know which phrase I mean! The one that describes this situation! The one that doesn't go "It's better to be killed by a person you trusted than to hurt their feelings if they somehow discover you'be been investigating them without their knowledge." That saying is only ever used in the Writer's Room at The CW.

I can't think of a dumber way to spend one's inheritance and I'm currently thinking of airdropping sno-cone makers to penguins in Antarctica.

Did your butthole clench as tight as mine did at the phrase "activist genealogists"? That's exactly the type of thing I'd expect somebody sporting a manbun to say!

While Ray, Vixen, and Killer Frost talk about Batman behind his back, Batman, Lobo, and Black Canary track S.K.U.L.L. back to Infinity Island. The Atom sneaks into Mawkson's apartment to figure out if he's been busy eating people the way his bird family probably taught him to do. Or maybe he'll find all of Makson's fuck birds. Batman learns that S.K.U.L.L.'s new backers are Makson's billionaire family members so S.K.U.L.L. was looking to find Makson and kill him if he was still alive so he wouldn't take away their funding for something stupid like hiring activist genealogists. And Ryan discovers that Makson has been using activist genealogists to find all of his family members so he can kill them. Well, that's finally something I approve of! I bet Lobo does too!

So Makson wants to kill his family? I guess he knew they were behind S.K.U.L.L. fucking his bird family and other monster lovers. Now they have to die for their villainy! I don't know if I want to see Lobo beat his ass or high five him.

The Flash #22

It's okay to burn books if they're terrible, right?

• If the Justice Society is being reintroduced to the DC Universe, I bet they come back more diverse. I bet Jay Garrick arrives and says, "Hello. I'm Jay Garrick. I'm asexual. I had to say that right up front or else nobody would ever know and fans could only speculate which is all they've ever been able to do in the past being that the general rule was all characters were heterosexual. But if I don't say it right now, right up front, how are all the asexual comic book fans going to know that they have to now consider me their favorite character?"

• It's a good thing Jay Garrick is on the cover or I might not have realized that the ubiquitous Narration Boxes were coming from him. Sure, they show the lightning bolt in the corner so the reader knows whose mind they've been allowed into (because how can a reader know what's happening if somebody isn't constantly explaining it to them? (you probably shouldn't read The Wild Storm if you nodded your head vigorously to that sarcastic question)) but with two other Flashes right there on the page, it could have been confusing.

• Reverse Flash (who died but now isn't dead because fuck you) declares he knows who gave the smiley face button all of its power. The Flash declares how embarrassed he is that Reverse Flash can time travel without an aid and also because Batman is witnessing it. Batman declares he will forever after this moment refer to the Cosmic Treadmill as "Flash's little blue pill."

"Barry, I'm here! And I'm asexual!"

• Reverse Flash arrives at Mister Manhattan's feet and receives a lethal dose of editing. You would think this time it would take. Erasing Revers Flash from the DC Universe could solve a lot of continuity problems. But I've already seen ads of Reverse Flash appearing in future Flash comics so I guess DC just can't resist his allure as Flash's rival. I can understand why. They didn't go through all the trouble of coming up with the perfect name for Flash's nemesis to just throw him away. Now if they'd chosen Evil Flash or Opposite Flash or Yrrab Nella the Hsalf, I could see sending the character to limbo. But Reverse Flash! So great! Unless it's Reverse-Flash. I'm never sure about the hyphen. I think it both exists and doesn't exist due to all of Reverse(-)Flash's time travel shenanigans.

• The Flash can't run through time because he can't get any traction. That's why he needs the treadmill. It's not like he doesn't want to run through time with Batman. He totally wants to! It's all he can think about! But when the time comes, he just can't get his feet to work. Luckily old man Jay Garrick has arrived to help! Not that he'll help in the metaphor I've been cultivating because Jay is asexual. But he'll help The Flash and Batman run through time to get them home.

They did it to sell more comic books. But the bump in sales didn't have the long term effect they were hoping for.

• The Flash doesn't remember Jay Garrick the same way he remembered Wally West. I guess that's because DC isn't ready to publish a Justice Society book yet. Or maybe The Flash did save him but he returned to Earth 2 as he was saved! Now DC can publish that Justice Society book whenever they're ready. Which actually means they'll publish it about eight months before they're ready. They really need to work on nailing down their reasons for doing things before they just jump in and do them.

• A later scene suggests that Bruce Wayne doesn't find happiness in being The Batman. Oh, fuck you, comic book. Of course he does. Stop pretending he's some kind of Jesus figure sacrificing a boring, mundane life so he can save us all from our sins by being a super fantastic and exciting action hero. It's no wonder I like Nightwing so much now. Angst is for self-pitying, joyless assholes.

"I'm just a comic book character who can see the editors. Like that guy over there still groping female underlings."

• There's an epilogue in Watchmen font and style that introduces some event called "Doomsday Clock" coming in November. It has something to do with the Watchmen and Superman and, I'm guessing, Doomsday. It will be terrible but that won't stop fans from already jerking off over it because Geoff Johns name is attached as writer.

Scooby Apocalypse #13

Why are they so frightened? It's obviously just a bunch of rich old white dudes in rubber masks.

• The update of the Scooby Doo franchise shouldn't have been from the angle that the monsters and ghosts were real. It should have been from the angle that the Scooby Gang were well armed and would wind up murdering a bunch of selfish old white dudes when they thought they were just killing monsters attacking them. The Scooby Gang wouldn't be a bunch of cute meddling kids if they were serial killer assassins driving from town to town solving "problems."

• Velma's brother Rufus is Donald Trump and his monster followers are people who wear MAGA hats. I've decided to state it plainly since I've been pretending to not get it in previous commentaries. The problem with this kind of satire is that it's not satire. It's just a restating of the truth.

See what I mean? Although Rufus is better looking.

• Shaggy comments on Rufus wearing a wig which is a shame. If you're going to make a Donald Trump parody character, don't explain his terrible hair as a wig. A wig would be preferable to that monstrous comb-over Ivanka swirls up to cover the seething maggots burrowing out of Trump's skull.

• The Scooby Gang realize Rufus can't help them so Velma beats him up some. After that, the monsters storm the building. Fred continues to sit outside in the Mystery Machine nursing his broken leg.

• The Scooby Gang escape with Daisy so that Shaggy can have a love interest other than Scooby. Rufus is burnt alive in a huge effigy of himself built by the monsters. So they're into crafts?

• There's a Scrappy Doo back-up story. I'd like to say I'm not going to read it because it's about Scrappy Doo and I'm not interested in it but I did spend actual money on this comic book so I'd feel like I wasted my money if I didn't read it.

• I was wrong. Now that I read it, I feel like I wasted my money!

This kid has a low bar on the qualities that make a dog the best.

Action Comics #979

Now I know why Blanque is called Blanque! It's due to the face he makes when being fucked in the ass!

• The issue begins with Superman either being choked to death by Mongul or utilizing his Secret Autoerotic Asphyxiation Machine in the Fortress of Solitude. I finally get the name of that too! From now on, my closet will be called the Fortress of Solitude! And my special belt will be dubbed Mongul's Arm!

• Patrick Zircher continues to be credited as "Patch" Zircher. I guess he's twelve.

• This issue is called "Revenge, Part 1." Anybody familiar with my hatred of comic books already knows how much more I'm going to hate this one than how much I hate the usual ones.

• It's irresponsible of superheroes not to kill the villains. By not killing them, they inevitably spend the majority of their time trying not to be killed by them. That's precious time they could be helping people being mugged or abused by their parents or contemplating suicide. Instead of helping to make the world a better place for the next few issues, Superman will simply be dealing with his own problems. Not that he shouldn't be allowed to deal with personal issues. But when those personal issues are villains he failed to completely stop from making the world a worse place by not killing them or by not shoring up the locks to the Phantom Zone, he needs to be held accountable for all the disasters that he could have stopped while being choked to a mighty orgasm by Mongul.

• The battle between Mongul and Superman turns out not to have anything to do with an Autoerotic Asphyxiation Machine. It's just Mongul having a series of wet dreams provided by his Black Mercy. Eradicator has come by to clean him up and recruit him to the Superman Revenge Squad. Once again, I should point out that I did not make up that name. It's rare when a comic book comes up with dumber stuff than I do.

• Lois and Clark are currently looking at apartments in Metropolis.

Lois's idea of perfection is being attacked on a constant basis by aliens and Swamp Things.

• How bored do you think Patch was drawing that above scan?

• The Superman Revenge Squad travels to Superman's now destroyed Himalayan Fortress of More Solitude to find some powerful artifact in the rubble. Superman should probably have cleaned the place up by now. I'm beginning to come around to Batman's side. Superman is too powerful and too dumb to live.

• They're after the Oblivion Stone which has been a minor plot point for some time. If the two halves of the stone are combined, it will "alter any aspect of the possessor's life — once." I know why Mongul wants it! You can tell by how flat the front of his crotch is on his spandex suit. Totally nothing going on there.

• Apparently Superman was too busy to realize his Himalayan Fortress was destroyed. Maybe I was too quick to judge. I mean, it's not like the destruction of his fortress, the escape of his prisoners, and the loss of dozens of dangerous artifacts will be a threat to the world. It's not like he should have better safeguards than a robot telling him everything is okay, or an alarm that goes off long after the entire mountain has collapsed on itself. No, you know what. Batman is still totally right.

• Superman discovers that his friends in the Fortress are dead and the Oblivion Stone is gone. He takes the sudden realization that he's a failure as a friend and a hero shockingly well.

• The Superman Revenge Squad returns the Oblivion Stone half to Hank Henshaw. He reunites it with the half he has and makes his wish: to once again become Cyborg Superman. No! Now there are two of them?! But just one of them bores the fuck out of me! Two of them will put me into an Oblivion Coma.

• Cyborg Superman suggests they need one more member for the Superman Revenge Squad: Zod. As if there aren't already enough egos on this team. "Kiss my hand!" "Kneel before me!" "Pledge your undying fealty to my anal sphincter!" As soon as Lex Luthor realizes he wasn't drafted, his feelings are going to be hurt.

Justice League of America #6

How are new readers going to know they should pick this up because Lobo is in it? This is a poor choice of covers.

Page One does not contain a scene with Lobo. It does have The Atom displaying his impotence to Aegeus. But Aegeus has no time to laugh at a tiny man who can't get a metaphorical boner. He needs to gloat like a proper villain should after they've just defeated Lobo. Not a lot of characters can say that they bested Lobo! No wait. That's not true. After Lobo peaked in popularity as the biggest bad-ass motherfucker in the universe, he began to be dragged from comic book to comic book just to be defeated by the hero to show that the hero could defeat the most dangerous person in the universe. Apparently DC didn't realize how they were diluting Lobo's brand from biggest bad-ass in the universe to biggest punching bag in the universe. The kinds of fans who loved Lobo wound up feeling angry and embarrassed while reading Lobo comic books after that. Not me though! I was already angry and embarrassed while reading any comic book!

Part of that last paragraph wasn't true. Maybe most of it wasn't true. I don't think any Lobo fans were ever embarrassed about liking Lobo because they were all so busy emulating his worst qualities. It's hard to tell which of Lobo's qualities were the worst but I'm probably not talking about his penchant for genocide. Although maybe those Columbine kids were fans, right? I mean, that was terrible what happened there but I'm fairly certain if I had seen footage of one of them screaming about bastiches and gizzards from some guy named Feetal, I probably would have chuckled. And I wouldn't have felt bad about it, either! If you can't laugh in the face of every reminder that our existence is brutal, short, and depressingly mediocre, you're probably a pretty nice person and I could use more of your kind in my life.

Pages Two and Three do not contain scenes with Lobo. But the rest of the Justice League of America, as they fight chimeras, mention Lobo! Batman is concerned that Lobo is dying the way Lobo has never died before. It's weird for Batman to be concerned about something that will never take place. Maybe he's not concerned at all. Maybe he just wants Ray to check on Lobo to make sure Lobo isn't accidentally genociding the people of Penn City.

Page Three is the best page so far because it contains a scene with Lobo. The Ray goes to check up on Lobo and Lobo has some instructions for him.

Remember the good old days when every drop of Lobo's blood could regenerate into a full Lobo? How did that never become the explanation for Twat Lobo and Magenta Timeline Lobo? Seriously missed opportunity.

Meanwhile on some more pages without Lobo therefore they're wasted pages, Killer Frost saves some civilians by freezing a terrorist's arm off. The civilians are ungrateful wretches who can't see the humor in a terrorist who just threatened the lives of their children losing his arm. Killer Frost is all, "Um, whoops? Don't tell Batman?"

The Ray refuses to tear out Lobo's heart for some reason. I bet it's because he's in loOoOoOoOove with Lobo! I mean, who isn't? But The Ray doesn't want to hurt the person he loves. I'm using "love" in the way all people who don't believe in love use it: to camouflage from romantic types that we're actually saying "Please give me oral pleasure until I humiliate myself in front of you with my satisfaction noises."

The Ray does cut out Lobo's heart after Lobo yells at him the way his mother used to yell at him when he tried to peak out of his dark bedroom window. After reading so many DC Comics for so many years, I have to wonder why I don't have super powers! My mom was the most paranoid and manipulative person and my dad left when I was two to become a giant drunk absentee bastard! Where is the justice that I get all of the Mommy and Daddy Issues and none of the super powers and hot trim?!

Lobo collapses because he doesn't have a heart anymore. It's not that he dies at that moment. It's just that he can't do much without any blood pumping oxygen to his brain. He just has to wait until his undying cells that can't die repair the damage and get the overall system back up and running. It's like a city that stops functioning because an earthquake destroyed most of the infrastructure. The people are still alive even though the city has come to a halt. They just have to get to work fixing it up again. Until Lobo regenerates, I guess I'll just have to suffer through a bout of being bored by this comic book.

This story is called "The Heart of a Bastich." Is bastich Latin? Do you conjugate nouns in Latin? Bastich. Basteres. Bastard. Basteremus. Bastarent. Um, anyway, I don't think the title refers to Lobo referring to himself (because of the conjgation! Duh!). I bet it turns out to be Ryan Choi who shows himself to be a real bastich because he's the only one currently facing off against Aegeus. Everybody is probably thinking, "Oh no! The poor little grad student in the nerdy glasses can't stand up to a great big charismatic terrorist who probably has a huge, thick penis! He's going to die!" But instead, he's going to be all, "I'm gonna fuck you so hard Aegeus!" Then he'll grow really small and everybody will be all, "Where is he?" Then Aegeus will get a weird look on his face. Everybody will recognize that look as the one where you suddenly feel your asshole get itchy due to physical exertion, sweat, and a rancid dingleberry you didn't know was stuck up in there. Then you contemplate how to deal with it. Do you unsatisfyingly scratch the itch through your clothing as people nearby make disgusted looks and judge you as if they've never done that before. Or do you go all in and shove your hand down the back of your pants and stick a finger way up there so that it feels like you're scratching the inside of the front of your skin, after which you remove your hand and then stall for a few moments as you glance around at who might be watching before you casually pretend to scratch your nose so you can sniff your fingers. You know that look? That's the look Aegeus will have just before The Atom expands to full size and explodes Aegeus's colon all over the room.

Oh. It doesn't happen that way. I can't say I'm disappointed though because Atom's life is rescued this way instead:

Yay Lobo! My penis rejoices at your renewed vigor!

Lobo and The Ray are merely a distraction so that The Atom can prove himself in battle. He turns tiny, avoids Aegeus's butthole, and turns big again, using the power of density or mass increasing or quantum hullabaloo to knock Aegeus out in one nerdy punch. Lobo instantly takes credit for Ryan's newfound ability to commit violent acts.

Some people don't like Lobo but that's probably because they've read versions of Lobo written and drawn by people who either don't like Lobo or don't understand Lobo. Nobody would be surprised how many writers used Lobo in the 90s simply to get a boost in sales while hating themselves for using a character they despised. And it's less surprising than that even that they would treat him as a joke and make him look as idiotic as possible. But sometimes a writer understands the character and my heart sings. Other times, an artist really gets the character and a part of me that got me banned from all Popeye's restaurants sings.

Andy MacDonald, you make my anal sphincter sing!

You don't need to hear the story about my banishment from Popeye's. But if you want more details to help create the scenario in your imagination, here are a few keywords: spicy chicken, dare, Tubgirl reenactment.

Let me say goodbye to a few followers of my blog right now since I won't get the chance after the next sentence.

I'm not sure what Lobo is threatening to do to Aegeus at the end of the above scan but I know it doesn't have anything to do with rape because that would be wrong and never funny. Especially when Lobo knows the humiliation of being married and raped by a Gothamite pervert super hero. If Lobo learned the opposite lesson, you wouldn't know it because it's not like Lobo said in the panel before the scanned panels, "I got something ta finish up. Ya might want to avert yer eyes. Also, do we have a wedding dress and a camcorder?" I mean, he said some of that! But probably not all of it.

After whatever just happened to Aegeus in the space between pages happens, his army's flying steeds turn back into salt. Without scary steeds, the army surrenders to the angry citizens of Penn City. The next day, Batman lets everybody know that "Aegeus' injuries are being treated." I would have said "Aegeus's injuries" but then I'm just smarter. Anyway, what could those injuries have been? Nobody goes into detail! Batman warned Lobo against maiming and Batman hasn't one-punched Lobo into being a better person yet, so I'm guessing Lobo just beat the guy with a tube sock stuffed with a bar of soap. Incidentally, that's the exact turn of phrase a person would use to describe a Czarnian penis.

The citizens tell Batman, "You know, thanks for, like, stopping that jerk. But he was, you know, paying us money. So now we're broke and shit. What are you going to do about that, asshole?" Before Batman can break the dick's jaw, Vixen pipes up. She's all, "I'll set up one of my non-profits here and you can all get jobs!" Then a bunch of the dumber and Republican residents are all, "How are we going to make money if it's a non-profit?! Get out of here with your communist bullshit! I'd rather starve!" But Vixen, undaunted, continues, "People notice my shit. More businesses will move in. Wealthy businesses! The totally for profit kind! The kind that probably has a big 'W' in the name, if Batman gets my fucking drift!" Then everybody cheers at the good news without realizing that they're just going to go back to making weapons in a few months when WayneTech moves in.

Later, Lobo gets me all teary eyed because I'm a pusstich, I guess.

Forget the cutesy-wutesy bonding bullshit! What did Batman promise Lobo?! I bet Batman promised to build him a glory hole portal into a sexy dimension!

I hope nobody ever shows Lobo a copy of The Cove. Japan thought the ending of World War II was awful? Wait until Lobo tattoos Fat Man and Little Boy onto his left and right fist (respectively) and wades onto their shores.

Xenos moves into The Sanctuary to help build weapons and polish Silver. That wasn't a typo; Silver is the name of Ray's penis.

I'm so happy that this comic book currently exists! Steve Orlando seems to understand and love violent psychopathic characters as much as I do! I know Twat Lobo was last seen in Larfleeze's trophy case but I hope Real Deal Lobo gets a chance to murder the fuck out of him. Multiple times even!

Wonder Woman #21

Has nobody complained to DC about how boring the Wonder Woman covers have been lately? I acknowledge that the artist spent a lot of time on her hair for some reason. It's the part of Wonder Woman I want to look at the least! Plus the artist probably could have thrown in a building or lake in the background if they hadn't spent so much time on hair details.

The Review!
Wonder Woman discovers that all the nonsense surrounding her life, all the lies and false stories and DC Reboots, have been Ares' way of leading her to his prison so she can free him. Also in his prison keeping him company all these years? Izzy! But not the faceless thing that Veronica thought was her daughter. No, the real Izzy (her essence or soul or personality or whatever you want to call it depending on how liberal and kooky your spirituality is) has been hanging out in Ares' prison keeping him company. She seems pretty calm about it all. Deimos and Phobos also managed to sneak in and are probably off in a corner de-doggifying themselves. Steve Trevor and Cheetah were left outside the prison to scowl at each other.

The Ranking!
No change. This story almost certainly reads better in a collected edition without being constantly interrupted by the other Wonder Woman story. I sort of like some of it but, overall, I just feel I don't get enough story each month. I don't mind slow paced stories but I have to have some kind of connection to the characters if I'm going to be interested in them barely moving the plot along. And I don't really give a shit about Steve Trevor or Wonder Woman. The only characters I've been curious about were Phobos and Deimos and they've hardly been in it at all. Do they regularly sniff each other's butts? Do they eat poo? Chase squirrels? Have they ever broken into the closet and eaten a full bag of dog biscuits? Who's connected to their favorite humping leg? They really could use a miniseries.

I was kidding, DC. Do not publish a six issue series about Deimos and Phobos as Dobermans. Maybe a short one-shot! But knowing you idiots, you'll ask a writer to stretch a ten page story into one hundred and twenty pages. And they'll do it but they won't do it in a way that makes the story better! They'll just add a lot more boring interludes that don't matter. Probably a couple of double splash pages with the dogs shitting on the neighbor's lawn. Just...just forget I said anything, if you can. I knew that time I asked for a Larfleeze ongoing that I'd regret it and boy was I right! He was much better as an eight page back-up story.

Action Comics #978

Is Action Comics going to simply become the place to tell the new official stories from Superman's past? Is this the night he and Lois first engaged in mutual masturbation?

My question is answered when I open the stupid comic book with a resounding, "Why yes, Tess, it is! Here is a picture of Lois plummeting from a crashing helicopter which makes little sense if you look at it for too long! So don't look at it for too long, you dick! Stop it! Turn away! I can see you criticizing me with your stupid human eyeballs!"

Apparently she was standing on the roof of the building and dove off to avoid being crushed by this crashing helicopter.

This is ridiculous. I've been praising DC Comics for Rebirth because they were merging The New 52 and Rebirth with the Pre-Crisis and Post-Crisis worlds (according to Convergence, I think?). In a way, it just felt like they were apologizing for the constant run of reboots since 1985 and just allowing DC continuity to be whatever each reader brought to it. But now, immediately after their big "Superman is more than you realize!" story, they're cementing all of his experiences into an "official" version. Are Continuity Trolls keeping DC Comics' child hostage? Do they have photos of DC Comics finger-banging Marvel Comics in a back alley while Dark Horse watches and masturbates? Why can't DC be as fast and loose as I portrayed them in that previous sentence? Why is everything in the world done in an attempt to satisfy and shut up the worst of us all?! Oh, except maybe in France. Congratulations on being smart enough and compassionate enough to do the right fucking thing.

Lois Lane is screaming "Noooo!" in that panel because she apparently doesn't know how to face death with dignity. Look, Lois. You can't bend reality by screaming denials into its smug face. Although I do congratulate you on looking so hot in the face of death. I suppose that's why you're about to be saved by Superman while the fugly pilot dies in a fireball of fire and balls.

If somebody with whom I was in a serious relationship ever said, "I knew when we met that we'd wind up together," I would dump them on the spot. Creep!

Superman might just be saying that he knew they'd wind up together because Ma Kent told him that he had to marry anybody his penis touched and his penis is definitely touching Lois's butt through practically no clothing at all in the next panel that I didn't scan. It's the panel where Lois is having an orgasm because Superman is so handsome and muscular. Here is how she orgasms: "Who-- --who-- --oOoO...". I would say how I orgasm but I don't want people who know me to think, "Oh gross. He's made that noise several times in public!"

Meanwhile on the moon, Matrix Man brings The Eradicator back to life. Matrix Man (who is actually somebody that will cause me to make my orgasm noise when his real identity is revealed) has been going around restoring all of Superman's old enemies who were messed up due to The New 52 and the early stages of Rebirth when it was still in utero. Yes, it was still "in utero" even after being rebirthed. DC never totally knows what they're doing when they do it. They mostly just fly by the seat of their pants which is why each of their Reboots always needs a reboot to clear up the problems with the reboot. It won't be long before there's a New Rebirth Crisis Hour crossing over into all of DC's comics!

After watching the day he met Lois (which was also the day he knew he was going to fuck her because he wanted to and his life is the only one with agency), Superman watches several other days in his life that were important enough to cement into the minds of the current readers. Did Superman really use to wear his underwear on the outside of his costume? You bet! Did Superman propose to Lois in this current continuity? Yes! Did Lois know he was Superman before he told her? Fuck hell of course yes otherwise it would make her look stupid plus she wrote that article exposing his identity (no wait. I don't think that happened anymore (no wait. It did happen which is why Mr. Mxyzptlk had to interfere which is why Superman is now both Preboot and New 52!)). Did Superman die at the hands of Doomsday? Yawn. I mean, yes! Did Coast City get destroyed, turning Hal into a serial killer of Green Lanterns and leading to him, eventually, becoming The Spectre? Well, um, maybe some of that happened! But I think the dominoes fell differently this time around. Maybe?

After his death, Steel, The Eradicator, and Cyborg Superman are mentioned as having appeared on the scene. What about Superboy? Either that's different or he was too boring to remember.

But how did they die? A car crash on Clark's prom night? Or a mystery disease while vacationing in the Caribbean?!

After Jonathan is born, the archive begins to integrate Preboot Superman's arrival to The New 52 Earth into the story. He built the Himalayan Fortress of Solitude so that the Arctic one could be more secretive. He and Lois bought a property in California where they pretended to be other people to get away from things as a family. During those times, he wore his undercover black Superman outfit. See? All this shit totally works out if you want it to.

The only part I disagree with (for personal reasons) is that Oracle is shown in Superman's memory. Not the cute Oracle who was good with computers and helped the Suicide Squad! The terrible Oracle created by Scott Lobdell! The one that was all powerful and yet not powerful all at the same time. The idiot one that was a big rock that floated through space looking at things blow up. I suppose DC had to include something from Lobdell's time on the book since they chose to merge New 52 Superman with Preboot Superman. I would have chosen the door Superman found floating in the sky that never became a plot point of any story.

Later on the moon in their new secret base, the Superman Revenge Squad (not a name I made up) meet their mystery leader: Hank Henshaw. Oh. That isn't as exciting as I was hoping. Boo. Stupid! Bogus! Apparently next issue, they're going to recruit Mongul. He needs to be brought back to life too, right? Or extracted from The Phantom Zone? I can't remember what happened to him. I think Dr. Ozymandias and Mr. Manhattan have been messing with my memories too.

The Ranking!
No change! This comic book continues as doula for the audience as we go through rebirthing pains.

Trinity #8

The Truth About Superman? Is the story about Ra's, Circe, and Lex over already? Did I miss it because it was so boring?

The Review!
The best thing about this comic book being written by Cullen Bunn is that I won't mind dropping it.

Nothing happens this issue. Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman discuss a recurring dream Superman has been having and then decide not to tell anybody else about it. Wow. I think I fucking jizzed my pants over that revelation. On top of nothing happening this issue, I didn't even get to find out what's going on with Ra's, Circe, and Lex! I especially wanted to find out why Lex is being included in "the biggest foes of the Trinity" when he's not a fucking villain anymore! Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter since that story just disappeared into the ether. But at least we got a boring story about Superman discussing a dream where he fights himself!

The Ranking!
-5! What a fucking huge waste of time. I hope the anonymous person who totally isn't Cullen Bunn but loves to tell me why Cullen Bunn's comics are super awesome lets me know why this one was so intelligent and well written!

At least, as always, Emanuela's art was nice to look at!

Superman #21

I guess this creature's name is Black Dawn?

The Review!
No change! Apparently there was a mystery happening in this comic book that I wasn't aware of until it deepened like crazy this issue. Batman's still missing (which is a mystery I knew about!) so he doesn't solve the new mystery instantly. He may already have solved it but since he's in the Dairy Farmer's walk-in freezer right now, he can't explain it to anybody. The mystery of all mysteries is who the fuck is the Dairy Farmer and his daughter and their cow Bessie?! Are they New Gods?! Watchmen? Sex cyborgs? Apparently they're somehow keeping Jon's powers in check so that he doesn't hurt himself. But they have powers of their own. Like the Dairy Farmer can look deep into a dog's eyes and make it fall in love. And the daughter can make heat vision beams miss her completely while strangling Damian without using her hands. And Bessie the cow can make milk that Spider-man once wore as his costume in the nineties until it turned on him. So that's some weird shit that's going down in Hamilton County.

Another weird thing is the house in Deadman's Swamp. I'm still hoping it's the House of Mystery since this story is all about mysteries. At the end of this issue, Superman heads off to investigate it.

In other news, somebody on Tumblr was upset that I tagged my Batwoman review with the Batwoman tag because the content wasn't to their liking. It always amuses me when young people think they have the rules to the Internet and other people should act exactly as they do. The Superboy fandom once got on my dick about my Superboy tags too, a long time ago. They didn't like that I was mocking Superboy because it was written so terribly. They would rather believe that no matter what shitty writer was writing Superboy, everybody should still say nice things about him. But that's what's ruining comic books! You have to speak out loudly against shitty writers even if it means mocking your favorite characters! You can't just love them unconditionally or else you'll spend years reading Teen Titans comic books written by Scott Lobdell! And you'll fucking deserve it too!

The Flash #21

Hey! This cover is a spoiler for the end of part one in Batman #21! I'm glad I don't look too closely at the covers when I buy my comics.

Like last issue, this issue begins in a place where people are locked up against their will. Last issue was Arkham and this one is an old folks home. I almost put a possessive apostrophe on "old folks" before realizing they don't own shit about the place and it's just a descriptor of the misleading noun "home."

Last issue, Saturn Girl was upset and had to be wrestled to the ground and punched repeatedly and probably Tazed for being disruptive. This time, it's Old Man Thunder screaming from the rooftops at the genie who abandoned him. I guess the Legion of Super-Heroes and genies were edited out of the universe when the Watchmen took control. Saturn Girl probably survived by hiding in a Time Bubble. While hiding, she must have kicked the controls which sent her back to Gotham in the year 2017. And all time travelers to Gotham eventually wind up in Arkham because time travel is loony tunes!

Oh! The Watchmen didn't just hate genies. They hated stories that took place in DC's past and future! That's why they tried editing out time travel. Little did they know, Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would be too stupid to follow the no time travel rule. I believe their defense was that the time travelers from the future were from an alternate timeline that wasn't Flashpoint and could therefore time travel! Jerks.

Back at the Batcave, The Flash has strung crime scene tape all over everything. Why? Who the fuck is going to stumble into the Batcave and destroy evidence? Alfred? Or maybe Alfred? Possibly even Alfred? Since it's only Alfred, maybe tell him to stay the fuck out for a bit. I suppose Damian might also blunder in but when has anything ever stopped Damian before? He's not going to respect the boundary of the yellow police tape!

The Flash spends pages and pages Narration Boxing. This issue is simply reminding me why I dropped it in the first place! Williamson has no trust in the medium. He needs to pad the writing to make sure everybody completely understands that The Flash is a forensic detective and that he worked hard to become one and that his super powers don't help him with that and the he got his powers in a lab and that his mother was killed by Thawne and that his first crime scene was his mother's death and that every detail of a crime scene can be worked out by just looking at it and how Thawne came from the future and how Thawne was his nemesis for some reason and...and...and...well, lots of other stuff as well. Maybe that's why Howard Porter drew police tape all over the Batcave. Because he had nothing else that really needed to be drawn since the Narration Boxes did all the heavy lifting.

Eventually, The Flash stops explaining things to the reader and engages in conversation with Bruce.

How could you tell it was with a capital G?! Even if you could see his speech bubbles, all DC Comics' letters are capitals!

Obviously it would be God with a capital G. Otherwise Thawne would have said, "I saw a god!" But he said, "I saw God." So the only reason Bruce needs to explain the whole capital G thing is if he believes Barry Allen is a fucking dope. Oh, yeah. That totally explains it.

Batman and Flash discuss the crime scene and come to only one conclusion: the button is now missing. World's Greatest Detective and Master Forensic Scientist my ass!

Oh yeah! I haven't said it yet even though it was obvious from Batman #21: God is Doctor Manhattan. Although that would mean Eobard Thawne is way more mature than I am because my last words would have been "I saw God's penis!"

The Flash leaves Batman in bed to go investigate on his own because he's had a really stupid idea!

Let's fuck with time again! Because that never hurts more than it helps! Ever!

The Cosmic Treadmill was being stored in a room on the Watchtower called the Hall of Lost and Found. It's where everything that was destroyed due to the New 52 has now reappeared into continuity since Rebirth made it all viable again. But it all needs to wait to be remembered and reintroduced at some point.

Batman arrives before Barry can do anything stupid. But he doesn't arrive to stop Barry! He arrives to help him fuck up continuity even more! What a jerk! Although I suppose if Rebirth is all about returning all stories to continuity, characters should be free to fuck with time to their heart's content now! Go back in time and impregnate Ma Kent, Bruce! Who cares?! It'll all just work itself out somehow. Plus how cool would it be if Superman suddenly had to constantly deal with his slacker Bat-Brother always crashing at the Fortress of Solitude and getting into tons of mischief?

Did Greg Rucka approve this statue?!

That Frank Cho statue has far less nipples and buttholes than I would expect.

Batman hops on the treadmill with The Flash and manages to time travel by holding on with a bat-grapple. I was really hoping he would have to ride on Barry's back.

While time traveling, Batman and Flash see an old version of the formation of the Justice League where they're super fucking nerdy. "Let us form a league to fight evil!" "Right, good buddy! Let evil shake in their boots!" "Check out Wonder Woman's shorts! So modest!" "And our bulges are hardly manly at all!"

They also witness the moment Barry disintegrated in Crisis and Barry makes sure to point out that what they're witnessing isn't from an alternate universe at all. These stories — all of them! — are from their universe! But how can that be?! They're all so contradictory! It's going to do in the heads of all the continuity loving fangenders!

Eventually the Cosmic Treadmill crashes and burns. The Flash and Batman find themselves in the Batcave of Thomas Wayne of Flashpoint! OH NO! They've gone and fucked it up all over again! I can't wait for The New New 52 beginning next fall!

The Ranking!
No change! I almost gave this a positive review because I love Howard Porter's art and because I love when The Flash fucks up continuity (especially when he does it with Batman! Has that ever happened before? So good!). But then I remembered how much Narration Boxing The Flash did and my boner dried up.

Action Comics #977

Gross. This is like watching a video of your own birth.

I'm glad nobody videotaped the moment I was born. I'm even more glad that it was never filmed and I never stumbled on the video at fourteen and decided to jerk off while watching it. So glad that totally didn't happen.

The Review!
Superman feels uneasy about how DC Continuity has changed and he has to consult the history crystals in the Fortress of Solitude to convince all of the Fangenders that the DC Universe has been completely fixed! You know, if you thought it was broken. If you didn't think it was broken, it's still the same as the not-broken universe you remember. If you thought it was beyond broken and DC had shit inside your mouth and then grabbed your upper and lower jaw and forced you to chew and laughed in your face the entire time, DC wants you to remember how that didn't happen at all now. Because they said so. Every DC Comic book story that you can remember is once again part of DC Continuity. Don't let any other fangenders bully you into believing otherwise with their "facts" and "scans of stories that contradict scans of other stories." Just ignore those bitter old Actually Trolls and believe in the DC Universe you want to believe in. Superman says it's okay, even if you, like Superman, feel a bit unsettled about it all.

The Ranking!
+1 because even though this issue is really just the punctuation on the Superman Reborn story and a bit of reassurance that everything has been set right (whatever you think "right" means in this context!), the story continues doing the only thing I wanted out of Rebirth: a strong sense of denial about every DC Reboot ever! Just take the blue pill (unless it was the red pill (maybe it was both the red and blue pill?)) and accept everything you're being told. Shh. Shh. Don't fight it. You'll enjoy the DC Universe much more this way.

Scooby Apocalypse #12

This Velman pose makes my butt wet.

The Review!
This month, the Scooby Gang are in Portland! I should probably annotate that with the state (Oregon) because I don't want to piss off all them Maine Portland fans who are all "Ayuh! Yuh reap what yuh sow!" Now I've probably pissed off a whole other set of fans who are furiously typing into the comments section "That was Bangor or Castle Rock you're thinking...excuse me while I push my nerd glasses up higher on my nose in an aggressively intellectual pause...of!" I hate fangenders of every kind! Why are they so mad when I shit all over their favorite thing?! My asshole has opinions that can't be stopped by anything short of Velma's finger! Or two fingers. Maybe three. Mmm. You know what? Let's try four!

Oh. Excuse me. According to the location box, they're in Seattle. I was just confused since the freeway signs indicate they're in Portland.

Shaggy and Fred makes sure to have the "It's so incredibly hard to believe but we're becoming friends!" conversation on page three before all the cynical readers snort and think, "I can't believe they're all becoming friends!" It's been twelve issues of the same argument between Velma and Daphne so I'm just relieved that Keith and J.M. are declaring that that part of the story has been resolved. No more arguing about whose fault the worldwide plague is (because it was Velma's). Now it's time to become the meddling kids we all knew and loved for a few years of our lives before we realized Scrappy Doo was an insufferable bastard.

The Scooby Gang are in Seattle (or on their way? No, no. I think they're supposed to be in Seattle and not just about to drive over the I-5 bridge in Portland no matter what the visual evidence says) to find Rufus, Velma's brother. Supposedly he can help in some way that was explained earlier but I wasn't paying attention because I was typing "NSFW VELMA" into my search window.

Velma's brother is a caricature of some famous person that I just can't put my finger on. Captain Kangaroo, maybe? Rufus has attracted the love and adoration of Seattle's most monstrous and disgusting inhabitants. I feel like that's a clue to the person Rufus is supposed to represent. A demagogue with monstrous followers? That could still be Captain Kangaroo!

Velma and the gang (minus Fred who was forced to sit in the Mystery Machine because he had a broken leg and also because he wouldn't stop hitting on Daphne and we're not to the part of the patriarchal wet dream story where the beautiful woman eventually gives in to the loser protagonist and declares that she also loves him) make it up to Rufus's office, knock on the door, and announce themselves. Rufus is all, "Say hello to my little friend (who is actually kind of big and sort of sawed-off!)"

The Scrappy Doo back-up story takes place in Walnut Creek, California (which means it's probably happening in Oakland). Scrappy meets a one-armed kid named Cliffy and puts a leash on him. Now Scrappy has somebody to talk to that isn't a snarling cybernetic dog-thing.

The Ranking!
No change! If you like Scooby Doo but want to read something that doesn't have the heart or feeling of the original cartoon series but has characters who solve their problems with violence who share the names of characters from the cartoon who solved their problems with logic and deduction, you'll love this comic book! Also if you don't like Scooby Doo but like those things I listed. Actually, your relationship with the original Scooby Doo has no bearing on what you'll think of this comic book since it has no bearing on the cartoon.

Justice League of America #3

Whatever the Greek word is for the cover of this comic book, I'm a that-phile.

Officially, I'm not complaining that Lobo is on Batman's Justice League of America. Batman has a history of keeping raging psychopaths on the team so he can keep an eye on them or maybe punch them once in the face causing enough brain damage to change their personality (Fun Fact: Batman's punch to Guy Gardner wasn't the first time Guy Gardner suffered brain damage! Why aren't people cutting him some slack for his grievous brain injury?!). Also, his team composition is supposed to represent America so Lobo obviously represents the uneducated, violent, xenophobic working class (but a working class that believes hard work and reputation are the most important qualities in a person¹!). But (remember: not officially complaining here!) it does seem odd that for a person whose got a rule set like Fight Club where the first few rules are all the same rule, and where those rules happen to be "No killing!", it seems a bit hypocritical to place Lobo on your team. Maybe hypocritical is the wrong word. Maybe I should say arrogant. Batman actually thinks he can keep Lobo in check simply because he manipulated Lobo's sense of honor to always finish a contract? Seriously, I don't think Lobo has to do everything Batman says just because Lobo casually said, "I owe you one for free." I don't think Lobo would allow Batman to make that "one" into "Work for me for an indefinite period while not killing anybody at all and you probably also shouldn't fuck any Earthlings without their consent and maybe also learn to use a plunger."

The best part about comic books is that they're so fucking ridiculous. That's why I'm not officially complaining. Technically, I'm never officially complaining about anything that happens in a plot or about anything a character does (no matter how out of character it might seem to me since who am I to think I know better²?). My only real complaints are how terrible a writer or artist does their job. And often I don't complain enough about that because I pretend that the problem lies within the story and complain about the story instead of just saying, "Cullen Bunn's writing can be described by the most horrific metaphor imaginable³!" So being that comic books are utterly ridiculous by nature, I don't care about the logic behind Lobo being on the Justice League of America. I'm just thrilled that he is!

Last issue, Lord Havok became the king of Kravia. Now he's threatening the neighboring country of Gardevia. Not explicitly, of course! He's just all, "I won't stand for your people acting in a way that I won't stand for! If you don't do something about it, somebody else will! Hint, hint!" Then he apparently hits on her.

I'm going to try this line at the Karaoke Bar next week!

The people of Kravia start brewing rebellion. It's a lot like making a melting pot except more violent and with less racial epithets. Also, the melting pot thing was actually pretty violent. It turned out a lot of people just wanted Eggs Benedict. Actually, the ingredients in Eggs Benedict are probably too melting potty itself! It just sounds so white!

So, um, anyway, the rebels (two people, so far!) are sitting around a bar discussing how they're going to oust Lord Havok when Batman and the Justice League of America stroll in and are all, "Is this where the revolution is brewing?! We're here to advance our own interests in the guise of helping!" It's too bad Lord Havok doesn't have a World's Greatest Detective on The Extremists or he could have sussed out the rebellion himself. Batman is so smart to know where to find these political hooligans!

Lobo's kneepad looks like an eighth member peering through the door. "Hello there! Mr. Skully-Stars here! I'm British!"

Apparently Lobo tracked Bogna to her hidden den of rebellion. He makes sure to point it out before uninformed morons like me start giving Batman all the credit. I'm sorry, Mr. Lobo! I don't know what I was thinking! Why am I still giving credit to Batman? It's obvious you manipulated him into forming this team so you can have a nice relaxing vacation on Earth. And as a good guy, maybe you'll get to date Wonder Woman too!

Dammit. Now I want a Lobo team up book in the style of The Brave and the Bold. But he only teams up with female heroes who have become sexually intrigued by him! I hope what I just typed in that last sentence doesn't mean he did something disgusting to their buttholes. By sexually intrigued, I just meant they were interested in finding out what he has to offer in the love bathroom. Hmm, that sounded even more like something disgusting just happened to somebody's butthole. I'm so turned on right now!

You know what two words I can't stand? Capital and capitol. Stop purposefully trying to be confusing⁴!

The rebellion's only request of the Justice League of America is to overthrow Havok and The Extremists. After that, they'll take care of the rest. I thought Bogna was going to be way too proud to ask the Justice League of America to do practically everything! The nerve!

While the rebellion foments, Lord Havok visits the neighboring countries to tell him all about his open palm slash fist metaphor. One of the countries he visits is Zandia and he's all, "This place sucks in this timeline. Get it together, Rebirth!" I don't recognize any of the other countries. That means they're probably real!

Remember how I just figured out last issue that The Extremists were parodies of Marvel heroes? I just remembered it myself! And that also means that the cover is even more exciting than I first thought! It's a rematch between Lobo and Wolverine (albeit a lousy parody Wolverine but I'm honoring the sentiment!). And this time the fight had better not take place off panel behind a bar! And also, Lobo had better win! What a stupid rip-off that last fight was. Nobody really believed Wolverine could beat Lobo. The vote was rigged! It was all politics! It was a popularity vote! If comic book fans had the ability to use logic and not just their nerd boners for certain characters, it would have been totally obvious to the Wolverine fans that the Lobo fans were being totally logical and scientific in voting for Lobo to win.

Gross. His world must stink. Also, how can you trace any scent when you can smell everything?! I'm surprised Tracer can speak or use a toilet since most of his brain must be used in sorting scents.

I hope Lobo wins the battle by farting directly into his face.

The only fight I want to read about now is the battle between Lobo and Tracer. All those flexing muscles! Maybe a bit of clothing torn off in just the right spots to see a little inner buttock or maybe the slight wrinkling of a scrotum! Nipples hard and quivering through the sweat of physical exertion! Their lips coming closer and closer as they threaten each other with outrageous tortures! Oh man. I'm so turned on right now!

Killer Frost and The Atom battle Death Bat (who just killed her teammate Brute who had been sent to kill her for being weak. Ha ha. Who's weak now, et tu Brute? Did that sound intelligent?). It's the worst battle because Death Bat does that thing where a comic book villain knows more than they should know so that they can use it against the heroes. So she happens to know that none of the team really trusts Killer Frost and tries to use that to make Killer Frost doubt herself. Instead, Killer Frost is all, "I've changed! And you can change too! I mean, people seem to accept a hero with the name Killer Frost. Death Bat probably won't go over too bad either!"

Black Canary fights Gorgon and judging by his tentacle hair, it's bound to be the sexiest fight of them all.

Hee hee. Eyes up. He's looking at her cleavage! Or, at the very least, I'm looking at her cleavage!

What's with female super heroes in cool boots refusing to lace them? Is that a form of martial arts I don't know about? Like drunken style? Tripping over your laces fu?

The Ray battles Dreamslayer although it's not much of a battle. It's more of a therapy session. Ray is all, "Why aren't you being as mean and violent as the rest?" And Dreamslayer is all, "Because I'm afraid of the monster that I might become!" And The Ray is all, "You're gay, right?" And Dreamslayer is all, "Kiss me!"

Okay, maybe that scene only happened in my Masturbationarium.

Wink, wink!

Batman, Vixen, and the Rebellion go after Lord Havok on the throne. When they break into the throne room to punch him in the face, he's all, "I've already won! I made diplomatic deals with the surrounding nations that were only based on about 95% threats! That means they'll stand behind me and not you! I mean...that's how it works, right? Wait. Did I miscalculate?" And he did miscalculate but not in the way he was thinking. He miscalculated by not killing Batman in the first issue and then by not keeping an eye on Batman ever since that moment and then by not realizing Batman had infiltrated his inner sanctum! Idiot.

Batman steals Havok's shield off of his back so he can stand there looking like Captain America. You know, just in case Steve Orlando had to sell this script to Marvel!

Oh, and Lobo's battle with Tracer lasted one panel where Lobo put out his cigar in Tracer's eye. That was almost as bad as the fight behind the bar and the hand reaching up for the cigar to indicate who won! Which could have been either Lobo or Wolverine, so it shows the scene was already written long before the votes were tallied! All it needed was the colorist to choose the correct palette!

The Ranking!
Obviously this is the best comic book DC is currently publishing. Obviously that is an objective assessment and not the rantings of a total Lobo fanboy.

_________________________________
¹As long as that person is white.
²I'm Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, dammit! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!
³I'll let you come up with the metaphor because I don't want a bunch of offended people trying to ruin my life. I mean, I can think up some really offensive metaphors! So bad! They're in their right now, dancing around inside my mind doing the most horrible things to each other. So terrible!
⁴Of course, just like every other confusing thing in English, it only takes a brief overview to clear up the confusion forever. So people who don't know when to use who and whom are just being purposefully ignorant! And I know purposefully ignorant!

Justice League of America #2

Vixen isn't struggling to get away from the chains so much as to get away from Lobo's boner.

Batman surrendered himself to Lord Havok at the end of last issue to save The Atom. I'm not sure what Batman's thought process was behind this decision. It's not like Lord Havok is going to go, "Oh! Cool! Hey, Extremists! Now that we have Batman, let's go back to our destroyed world. This totally worked out better than I expected!" I know what Batman's thought process definitely wasn't: "This will buy time until the real Justice League gets here!"

Am I the only one who wants to Photoshop Lord Havok's cock in Ryan's hands?

I had to put the comic book down to eat a bunch of pineapple chunks so to pass the time, I Googled pineapple on pizza memes. I don't care if people like pineapple on pizzas or if people don't like pineapple on pizzas. What I really hate is people acting righteously indignant while defending their personal preference. What is it about this battle that gets people so passionate? If somebody wants pineapple on their pizza, why should you give a fuck? Were you planning to try to mooch some slices, you dirtbag? I, for one, don't understand why anybody would put any kind of limit on what can go on a pizza. Stop trying to put limits on living, you fascists!

Okay! I'm done eating my pineapple and I'm hardly sticky at all!

Lord Havok agrees to let the Justice League of America live (not that Lobo was going to have any problem doing that no matter what happened) when Batman agrees to join The Extremists to help them save the world. But then an Extremist named Dr. Diehard flips the fuck out on Lord Havok. He's all, "Letting people live isn't extreme at all! This team sucks!" I bet Lord Havok teaches Dr. Diehard a little something about extreme measures (and also how apt Dr. Diehard's name is) on the next page! It would make sense to kill him since there are way too many characters to keep track of. Not that killing one will help clear up the panels much but at least it's a start. Also, Batman will have to rescind his offer to join when he realizes they kill.

I was wrong. This happened on the page after the next page. I wonder if anybody is going to make a joke about Dr. Diehard's name?

Based on the above panel, I think Lobo is ready to join The Extremists.

Are The Extremists supposed to be based on Marvel characters? Is Dr. Diehard Magneto? Is Lord Havok Dr. Doom? Is Gorgon Doctor Octopus?

After Diehard dies, The Extremists teleport to Kravikoras, the capital of Kravia. That's another one of those fake DC countries like Markovia and Qurac. It's where Lord Havok was born (but on his own Earth, of course -- Unneeded Clarification Tess!) and it's where Lord Havok intends to begin saving the world. I suppose saving the world means killing anybody who doesn't say, "Yes sir, Lord Havok, sir! Right away, sir!" Although he might as well just quit now that he let Batman know of his existence and then left Batman alive. That's always the big mistake the Villain of the Month makes. It's always "I would kill you but right now I need to wash my hair!" Just kill the hero, dum-dum! If villains would correct that one mistake and just kill the heroes when they have them up against the ropes in the first arc of every fucking story, the villains would be ruling the world right now! Never give the heroes a second act!

The women of the JLA stay behind in Saratoga to help clean up while the men go back to The Sanctuary to relax. I don't mean to suggest that The Ray is a woman because he's gay. I really just wanted to gloss over the fact that he stayed in Saratoga too so that I could advance my agenda to show that Steve Orlando is totally sexist. Maybe I can pretend Steve Orlando is suggesting that The Ray is a girl! Then I can advance my agenda to prove that Steve Orlando is homophobic too! There's nothing more satisfying than tearing down an ally with hot takes purposefully misconstruing a situation!

The Ray tracks The Extremists to Kravia so that they can continue their fight. At least this time, they won't be destroying an American city! Although, is it really okay for a team called Justice League of America to invade another country without proper visas and passports? They might be trying to save the world but is that enough reason to bypass bureaucracy?

That sounds like Guardian of the Universe talk!

That's Death Bat in the previous panel, by the way. Before the JLA can kick her ass, she's rescued by the Kravian military. Apparently they've arrived to shove that bureaucracy I mentioned down Batman's throat. The Extremists are now citizens of Kravia and under its protection. The JLA are kicked out of the country but at least they saved a bunch of refugees who refused to succumb to Lord Havok's rule. Now Lord Havok has his own country to rule where he sees himself as the only real hero of Earth. He's feeling more and more like Doctor Doom every page.

The neighboring country of Gardevia (See? It's like a garden! It's peaceful and powerless and weak!) don't want Batman's band of refugees. They've already heard about Lord Havok taking over the rule of Kravia and how he brought peace. It might be peace through authoritarian power and murder but it's still peace, right?! So they don't want any part of Batman's violent plans. But the Justice League of America just ignore the general and get busy making their own plans to help the people of Kravia win back their country.

Batman still doesn't call Superman.

The Ranking!
No change. This comic book is already the best comic book DC Comics sells. Although that's only because Real Deal Lobo is part of it. And he wasn't really in this issue too much. And the art wasn't too good either. I hate to point out that a comic book with Lobo in it isn't living up to Lobo's reputation so I won't say anything more.

Scooby Apocalypse #11

Thanks for reminding me that Kenneth Rocafort's terrible art exists, comic book cover!

Apparently if you have anxiety about having a possible heart attack and feel an impending sense of doom, if you look up symptoms for a heart attack online, you'll find one of them is anxiety with an impending sense of doom! Who knew I've been having a heart attack for three quarters of my entire life!

That was Tess's Health Corner! Where the most likely not too healthy come to distract themselves from their impending thoughts of doom, tightness in the chest, and that incessant pain in their left arm.

The Review!
-1! I prefer Howard Porter's art to Dale Eaglesham's. That's a personal opinion that shouldn't reflect on my usually completely and utterly objective reviews of comic books. But since I was already disappointed in the art, it wasn't long before I was also disappointed in the story. It continues to have nothing to say. I'm not completely surprised by that since Giffen and DeMatteis have learned the secret of collecting easy paychecks. First you write a story with about five or six jokes in it. That's the first issue. In the second issue, you repeat all of the jokes and most of the dialogue and revelations from the first issue but in a different location. See how moving from one place to another makes it seem like the plot has advanced when really the characters haven't grown at all? So far that's been Scooby Apocalypse in a nutshell.

The good thing (I think you're supposed to add good things to critical reviews to make them seem non-biased although if something is utter crap, it seems unreasonable to expect a critic to figure out something nice to say. Nice people who don't think "This fucking sucks!" is a good enough review are ruining the world!) about this issue is it seems to finally put to rest the mistrust felt between different characters. Eleven issues in and the group has finally come together, declaring themselves friends and meddling kid detectives. Maybe now the plot can move forward!

There's also a back-up story that introduces Rufus Dinkley. He's the businessman brother of Velma and he's a huge turd. The good thing about him is he has a lot of money. See how I can say good and bad things, thus proving I'm an excellent reviewer! He's probably been introduced so the reader realizes the Scooby Gang has a goal. Find Rufus and help him! Or, more likely, kick his teeth in.

Trinity #6

Just in case you were wondering who the Trinity were (and you couldn't read more words than "Trinity" (I'm sure that's a thing!)), here they are on the cover!

The Review
Francis Manapul came up with this analogy concerning life and walls. He decided to make it into a story. The analogy went something like this: we build walls around us to keep out dangerous people, probably because our mother was overprotective. Even rock stars do it! But the walls also keep out good and kind people! So they're not really as great as we think they are. Francis thought, "Okay, okay! That's a great start. But what's the lesson?" Then he came up with the lesson after writing six issues. The lesson was that the walls, even though they protect our delicate psyches and fragile bodies, don't need to be knocked down completely. You just need one crack to let in the light! Hooray! Everything is better now and the judge that is actually a giant asshole can no longer tell you that you can't eat your pudding!

I bet Francis was super jazzed about this story idea until walls became associated with idiotic presidential claims. Now people will read Francis's wall analogy and think, "Yeah! Walls keep out the danger and keep us safe! Life is so much better! But I'm not too sure I like that idea about the crack in the wall. Won't some Mexicans get through that?!"

This was a mediocre comic book trying a new riff on the Pinocchio story. White Mercy has become a real girl because she learned all about loyalty from Wonder Woman, joy from Superman, and incapacitating obsession from Batman. Although, since her father is Mongul, it's probably her severe Daddy Issues that enabled her to become real in the DC Universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

Scooby Apocalypse #10

I didn't know they made one piece chain mail tunics for women.

On their podcast, Athletico Mince, Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson do this thing every episode where they imagine what Steve McClaren has been up to during the week. Since it always makes me laugh, I thought I would try it out myself! But nobody reading my comic book blog would know who Steve McClaren was, so I decided to do one of Cullen Bunn. Apparently Cullen Bunn's jerk friend who always sends anything I write about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn sent the thing I wrote about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn because Cullen Bunn had a reaction to it.

I can't believe I nailed it! I mean, he certainly didn't deny any of it. His wife even Tweeted about how they keep plastic spoons around the house because they don't stick as well. Which, frankly, seems like a huge lie (probably to cover up some sordid conspiracy). I would think the plastic spoons would stick to a penis much better than the metal ones!

I just want to clarify one thing: I don't love Cullen Bunn so much that I hate him. I neither love nor hate Cullen Bunn. What I did hate was Cullen Bunn's writing on Twat Lobo and Aquaman. You know, just to clear things up! I would also like to point out that I never @'d (is that how you say that?!) him via Twitter and only tagged his name on my reviews for archival purposes. I have done the same for many other writers and artists. Occasionally if I say something positive and I also think it's incredibly clever, I'll tag the writer on Twitter so they know I'm available at any Portland Con if they need a little digital and anal manipulation after Con hours. I'm not looking at you at all, Tom King. I'm looking at your cock.

I almost wrote my Steve McClaren bit using Scott Lobdell but at the last second, I thought, "Scott Lobdell never flipped me off via the Internet!"

More clarification! Cullen Bunn had every right to flip me off via the Internet and even in person! I was not kind to his writing. But I assure everybody involved, I would never be not kind to his face. Just ask Scott Lobdell when I had him sign my Big Book of New 52 First Issues! I totally didn't tell him I was saying horrible things about his writing on the Internet!

Hopefully, judging by the tone of Cullen's tweet, he understands that I harbor no ill will to any writers or artists of comic books and he'll apologize to me for writing Twat Lobo.

The Review!
Aha! I knew that chain mail on the cover was historically inaccurate!

Much better!

My knowledge of medieval armor consists mainly of three dozen Red Sonja comic books. But don't think I know better than to trust a single source for my information. I've also researched the topic in the pages of Cerebus where it completely backs up the facts from Red Sonja.

Velma ran away from the Scooby Gang last issue and now she's the warrior queen of Monstrovia. Did I miss issue 9.5?! This must be somebody's wet dream. I have theories about who that somebody is but I'm a little embarrassed about having that dream. So it's, uh, probably Fred.

Oh, before I wrap this up with "Yep! It was just a dream! A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!", I should also mention that Magilla Gorilla makes a cameo.

Definitely a dream. I don't think Velma is actually this fit or well shaven. Don't get me wrong! This Velma is great! But I still prefer the one I had to conjure in my head because she wears about six yards of orange cloth made into a turtleneck. Although I suppose when you wear chain mail against your naked skin, you'll be hairless before long. Ouch!

Yep! It was just a dream!"

"A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!"

The Ranking!
No change! What? You think I'm going to approve of a fill-in issue?! Even with Velma in a chain mail bikini, forget it!