Batwoman #3 (May 2026)

You're allowed to be lesbian in the DC Universe but your partner can't have a face.

Batwoman #3 (May 2026)
By Greg Rucka, DaNi, Matt Hollingsworth, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Cover by DaNi and Matt Hollingsworth
Edited by James Reid and Rob Levin

Even though I don't totally know what's going on in this comic book series, I'm still reading it. And it's not because my male gaze keeps reminding me that the main character is a lesbian who might engage in lesbian sex. What even is lesbian sex? And as a mostly hetero male, why would I be interested in it? It's not for me no matter how many extra boobies and vaginas there are! It would be philosophically wrong for me to eroticize the passionate lovemaking of two women who are not engaging in the act to make some dude's penis erect! Which is why I'm totally reading this comic book because of Kate's dad, Patriarchy Kane. I know the lessons he needs to learn are probably the lessons I need to learn! So if anybody walks into my private office while I'm reading this comic book one-handed with my pants around my ankles, it's because learning about how the Patriarchy fucks us all makes me super horny.

I think I've made my intentions clear while indicating exactly how awesome a human being I am so let's read the comic book now! Just let me drop my boxers and we'll start!

Wait a second. Women naked in showers can be sad?! How do you jerk off to that?!

DaNi needs to take the David Finch School of Drawing Women in Showers so that my penis can weep semen instead of tears. Seeing Kate Kane crying in the shower making herself as small as she feels has me thinking that maybe women have internal, secret identities (some would say "individuality" and "agency" and maybe "autonomy") that have nothing to do with the men that surround them and try to imagine them naked? Is that possible? Or is this just part of the comic book fiction?

Hey, do y'all remember Bitch Planet? That was a comic book I did some blogs on which I stated right up front, "This is probably not a comic book that I should comment on!" And boy was I right! I probably shouldn't comment on this comic book either but eventually Kate's going to battle a Chupacabra and then it'll be right up my Jeopardy knowledge alley: Cryptozoology, Batman Family, and Lesbians! The other three categories would be Alice Cooper, Sour Candy, and Names of Smurfs.

I'm not sure why Kate is hiding in the shower but it might have something to do with Batwoman and how Batwoman killed dozens of people the previous night right in front of her father. Is it the killing that disturbs her? Was it the people who are after her (her hot sister included) that has her shaken? Is it a lady thing? When does menopause start? 28? 29?

Oh! Maybe it's the execution that has upset her. Her first kill, maybe? Worried about Batman's upcoming scolding lecture?

Because I don't totally know what's going on in this comic book, I don't have a lot of insight into what Kate's going through. Some people might say I don't have a lot of insight into what Kate's going through because I'm a sexist asshole who is also dimwitted. And that's fair.

Despina is the leader of an ancient Greek menstruation cult who wants Batwoman to join the cult. Despina and her cult might also have ties to Darkseid. Perhaps Beth, Kate's sister who loves to show off her pantaloons, is also involved. Or she's finally, actually dead.

Despina's lackey, Pagona, was the one that said Batwoman needs their care. Despina thinks Batwoman has just declared war on them and maybe bringing her into the cult just can't happen now. So they're going to have to war right back at Batwoman. Despina, Slay, and the cis guy whose name I don't remember are like the aggressive guy in the bar who does everything he can to piss somebody off so that when they call him out on his behavior, he'll feel justified in punching them in the nose. They say Batwoman has declared war without taking any responsibility for all the shit they did that forced Batwoman to defend herself.

Patriarchy Kane visits Kate's doctor, a woman, to tell the doctor, a woman, what she needs to do to control his daughter, Kate, another woman.

So the lesson I should be learning from Patriarchy Kane is to not tell women what they should do to protect themselves? They can think for themselves? Hunh!

I imagine I'd be a better adult male if, as a child, I had seen an episode of In Search Of . . . that was in search of "Women's Liberation". But Leonard Nimoy never did that episode for some reason. Maybe because it was the '70s? Although that was the best decade for it what with Gloria Steinem and the Equal Rights Amendment and Susan Sontag! People were in search of women's lib all over the place in the '70s! I think they almost found it and then the Reagan Conservative Blitz of the '80s was all, "No way, Joe-say! Women got no say, no how! Also the gays and the blacks! Everybody but white men shut the fuck up!" And that's why society is terrible now!

For younger people wondering what it was like to live in the '70s, especially in the place I grew up (the San Francisco Bay Area (no, I didn't grow up in San Francisco! Just nearby!)), I highly recommend Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City. I first read it in college which was a little bit less than 20 years after it was written. I just reread the first two books earlier this year (still looking for a used copy of Further Tales of the City to continue the series) and it's such a cool, casual look into the culture of the time. And the mindset of the people who are supposedly "living in a bubble". Weird that the people who accept everybody else are the ones who have been blasted as being out of touch.

If you are younger and decide to read it, keep the Internet nearby to look up every reference you don't understand. It'll be worth it!

Later, Patriarchy Kane snitches to Patriarchyman about Kate murdering a guy.

I don't know what Batman's going to do. Ask Alfred to prepare the Bat-Finger-Wagger?

The next night, Batwoman hits the town again and, geez, maybe it's not Batwoman after all? Kate assured the doctor she hadn't left the premises the night before. Why shouldn't I believe Kate?! Plus we've got that no-faced woman on the front cover being all, "Why am I on the front cover?! Could it have been me doing the killing and executing?! I'm fucking Lesbian Rorschach, bitches!"

I just now, all these years later, realized how fucking genius it was of Moore to turn The Question into Rorschach. That guy's never going to not fucking blow my mind. Just over and over again. The Master! Plus my memory is so shit that maybe that has already blown my mind five or six times over the years and then I pleasantly forget so that I can have my mind blown again at a later date.

Anyway, back to Batwoman being The Question . . . I was wrong. Terrible supposition. Stupid Comic Book Reader! The Question comes to aid Batwoman in a battle against Pagona when Batwoman breaks into Gores' penthouse office. They drive off Pagona and then engage in some lesbian stuff.

Is this how lesbian sex always ends?! I don't think I'm into that at all!

The Ranking!
At least the encounter with Montoya keeps alive the supposition that this isn't actually Kate Kane. Except that Montoya seems to recognize her. But that doesn't matter being that this is comics. Perhaps Kate is being manipulated by mind control through her therapeutic sessions in the asylum. Therapist does literally spell "the rapist" and they can delve into your mind without consent and pull some icky strings, right? Or maybe Beth has returned as Batwoman? She'd make a good evil (and sexy!) Batwoman, right?! If I knew more of the story that took place previous to this series, maybe I could make some more educated assertions. Also if I were smarter. That would probably help. I guess if anybody can figure out what's going on, it's Patriarchyman! I sure hope he swings down to solve the case soon!

Batwoman #2 (April 2026)

I got the regular cover because none of the variant covers featured Beth's undergarments.

Batwoman #2 (April 2026)
By Greg Rucka, DaNi, Matt Hollingsworth, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Cover by DaNi and Matt Hollingsworth
Edited by James Reid and Rob Levin

Personally, I think Batwoman should respect herself more by choosing a less derivative name which rides on the coat-cape of Bruce Wayne and exemplifies her assets¹. I don't know what those assets are but I think they're somewhat akin to Dana Scully of The X-Files fame's assets. Not just because they both have red hair but because they both investigated paranormal activities while also being Catholic² and rational³. And you didn't see Dana Scully taking up the mantle "Fox Mulder Woman". Although that's what I called her in my '90s fan fiction epic "Fox Mulder Woman meets Sailor Moon Boy".

Speaking of Batwoman's derivative name, I had to check to see if, after having Batman, Manbat, Batwoman, and Batgirl, there has ever been a Batboy. I know I'm not the first to follow this thread into the vaults of DC's history but I'm happy discovering things on my own instead of just passively reading the Internet and learning whatever other people choose to teach me. I actually go out there and do my own research which is why I now believe that Covid was a hoax, 9/11 was an inside job, the British Royals are all lizard people, and the original Fruit of the Loom logo did have a cornucopia. You just can't make up the kind of things the wackjobs on YouTube scream endlessly.

Anyway, I "found" this cover from 1955 which teaches us two things: Batboy existed and people in 1955 had zero cynicism what-so-ever. I mean, Batboy's a guy who shoots sticky material out of the end of his phallic symbol? Batteen, maybe. But Batboy?! Unbelievable!

If Batboy were created in 2026, the creator would have to register as a sex offender.

I can't tell if Robin is impressed by Batboy's load or shocked that Batboy can already produce, um, webs. The only explanation I can come up with for Batboy having a bat that shoots web is the disgusting one I mentioned earlier so I have to assume that the person who created him in 1955 was thinking the same thing and giggling about it the entire time. The only other reason Batboy would have a bat that shoots webs is if people in 1955 thought bats spun webs. Did they think that?! I might be suffering from that social delusion where people in every generation believe that every generation before them were gibbering idiots who could only have accomplished the things they did if aliens actually did it for them. Occam's Razor probably points to comic book writers in 1955 being dirty perverts more so than them thinking bats spun webs⁴.

One last note on Batman #90 featuring a little person pretending to be a boy who shoots goo out of the end of his rod: this was the first issue of Batman to have the Comics Code Authority seal on it. Which tells me they weren't fucking doing their job from Day Fucking One!

This is Jake. I don't know who he is other than he's a creepy dude who loves to do creepy things.

I'm judging Jake by his appearance in one panel without having any information about him at all. But you don't peer around a curtain like that while being drawn in that particular style and mutter, "Oh, Kate," without being an absolute spinetingler of a clarion warning call of bad vibes.

No wait. Jacob Kane is Kate's military father (retired now, I guess). I forgot because I usually just refer to him as Patriarchy Kane.

Jake's in the town in Greece where Kate's been placed in the asylum to keep an eye on her. He's also apparently living above the Batwoman Cave? Why is that in Greece? Is Greece where the majority of paranormal crimes happen?

Jake, looking out the window, see's the Batwoman Signal plastered on the building of Kate's enemies so he hops on the Batwomancycle and rides off to wag his finger at her. Meanwhile in the building lit up by the blood-red Batwoman Signal, Slay gets on his burner phone to command his Slaylings to find the source of the Batwoman Signal. I don't think there's a Commissioner Gordonwoman in Greece so the signal could be projected from anywhere.

The Slayings do not locate Batwoman but they do find the Batwomanprojector. Oh, also a Batwoman grenade.

I assume she means pay for something other than reading this note? I don't know what that is because I didn't read DC's Mike Tyson's Punchout Presents.

I'm pretty sure the first thing I wouldn't do after being caught in the explosion of a grenade is read the note which I found just before the grenade landed. First I would scream and then I would shit my pants and then I would panic and run off the roof of the building and then I would begin to die and, finally, I would think, "I wonder what was on that note?"

I don't know if Slay's Slaylings are real people or more like Professor Pyg's Dollotrons but if they're real people, Kate Kane seems to have stolen everything from Batman⁵ except his refusal to kill. She steps on and explodes one Slayling's skull and then kicks another one off of the building. It's also possible she has an orgasm during the fight. You might think I'm saying that because she's a woman and I'm a huge pervert but I have over 5000 comic book reviews in which at least 75% of them probably describe male heroes jizzing in their costumes. So if you're going to call me sexist for sexualizing Batwoman as she battles, you'll have to discard that argument and come up with one of the dozens of other ones that I can't defend myself from.

Despina and Mr. Gores, the main villains (more so Despina but that's obvious because Despina is a woman and women heroes need strong women antagonists), do some more plotting to make sure the readers know that their goal is the capture of Batwoman. I don't know who Despina is but she's named like one of Darkseid's people. Apparently she's the head of some ancient Grecian menstruation cult?

I didn't make up the menstruation cult thing! It's right their in Rucka's writing!

Slay arrives to choke Kate for half a second before she breaks free, rolls off the roof, jumps on a truck, and falls into the street. Her dad arrives by Batwomancycle to help but he's stuck in the shoulder by a throwing knife as some Slaylings arrive. To save herself and her dad, Kate puts a bullet in the faces of every Slayling on the street. Her dad seems shocked so I guess maybe Kate has only recently taken to murdering people? Although they do say, "When in Greece, do as the Grecians do,"⁶ so maybe Greeks love to murder?

Kate walks off into the night, probably heading back to therapy.

The Ranking!
I may not know entirely what's going on in this comic book but it doesn't really matter. I'm just reading it as if it's one of the non-comic book pieces of literature I usually read. Those are always super confusing and never come right out and tell you what's going on. Sometimes you even have to piece together the parts of the story that take place after the end of the book but before the beginning. I'm glaring at you, Infinite Jest! So I'm used to not knowing what's going on. Also, it's like my life. What is happening? I don't know. Someday I'll die after falling off of a building running from a grenade and I'll think, "I wonder what that was all about?"


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I assure you that wasn't a boob joke. At least not until I wrote this footnote.
² I don't know if Kate Kane is Catholic. It feels like she's very Catholic.
³ After I typed "Catholic and rational" into the universe, four small wormholes appeared over my laptop, three of which emitted a long farting noise while the fourth dribbled something that I think may have been mayonnaise.
⁴ They don't, right? Right?!
⁵ She even has her own bird-themed sidekick at times: Firebird!
⁶ I'm sure it was originally about the Greeks. Fucking Romans stole all of their shit, why not that saying as well?

Batwoman #1 (March 2026)

Batwoman is to The X-Files as Batman is to Perry Mason.

Batwoman #1 (March 2026)
By Greg Rucka, DaNi, Matt Hollingsworth, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Cover by DaNi and Matt Hollingsworth
Edited by James Reid and Rob Levin

• I don't know a whole lot about Batwoman. I read her New 52 series which was beautifully drawn by J.H. Williams III but I don't remember as much of it as I should¹. I think she battled Killer Croc (or counseled him?) and La Llorona and Chupacabra and the Loch Ness Monster and her sister who was like crazy and maybe super hot? Or was that her ex-lover? Maybe both? Also her father was a tight-ass general who had "Patriarchy" written across his chest like he was in a political cartoon.

• I also remember her from James Tynion's run on Detective Comics where Tim Drake kept telling her to do what he says because he was a young bisexual genius with more representation than her boring old lesbian woman schtick and she was all, "Fuck you! I'm going to shoot people in the face if I have to! Also Clayface is evil. Or good. I forget which side I'm taking on this!" But they both agreed that Batman was out-of-control with his white male Cis privilege. Wasn't there some young tart² named Spoiler in that too?

• The story opens on an asylum in Greece where everybody has the most Grecian names possible to remind the reader that they're in Greece. They're all, "Thank you Nicholas!", and "You're welcome, Zena," and "Is Dorothea a Grecian name? It might as well be because it helps to make my point!"

• I would define the art style as "abstract Mary Worth".

• The woman in the asylum being psychoanalyzed by Zena is Kate Kane. That's the non-wig version of Batwoman. She's super beat up and defeated, possibly because she got her ass kicked in DC's recent DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents mini-series. I don't know who she got her ass beat by because I didn't read it even though I meant to read it. The reason I didn't read it was because there were too many fucking tie-ins that probably didn't matter. I thought it was going to be a bunch of comics based on the brackets they set up and then apparently they didn't even show most of the battles? I'm so glad I didn't read it! Although if Lobo beat up Batwoman³, I'm sorry I missed that.

Not with that attitude it won't!

• Batwoman's therapist asks her about the last time she saw her sister which is really important to readers like me who love to see women's underwear.

This is Batwoman's sister Beth. You might recognize her.

• This story is called "Eschatology". I think that's the science of eating snails.

• Kate tells the therapist⁴ that her twin sister died when they were twelve. But we, the readers, know she isn't dead. Some readers who have better memories than me and are less focused on women's undergarments probably remember the entire story of Beth Kane. But that's not me because women's undergarments women's undergarments panties thongs moist gussets.

• In a flashback, we learn that Beth was prepared to set off a bomb that would create an Apokolips firepit underneath some city⁵. Kate tried to appeal to her sister's sense of mercy and ethics and fashionable underpants. But Beth, being crazy and dead at twelve, wasn't in the mood to listen.

Did this occur during DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents?

• Some people choose sides based on ethics and morality. I choose sides based on the aesthetic choices of the combatants. And even though Kate Kane has some stellar fucking boots, I'm all the way Team Beth. Not only does she look hot, she also looks like cake! Mmm, I want to eat her so badly.

• I guess Beth is working for Darkseid. Did Darkseid win the DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents? Is that why there's going to be a Reign of the Superboys? Because Superman made it to the final bracket and was "killed"? Also, was Beth really big enough to be in the brackets? Or is she just an out-of-control fan overturning busses after her team won/lost?

• I love Beth's look so much that I might be losing interest in Lobo! Is that possible? What's happening?! I think I'm being groomed by Beth! It makes sense because I've crushed on Alice and her LSD world since I was a child and Beth has taken the name Alice. So maybe I love her? Or do I just really love panties and cake? Life is confusing.

And pale boobs! Don't forget those! Tasty, icing covered pale boobs.

• Goddammit. Now I want boobs and cake!

• Batwoman and her sister Alice/Beth battle until they fall off of a cliff. Is that what happened? Or was that just a metaphorical scene representing how they're stuck in a cycle of battling each other over and over until one of them must eventually die? Even though this is a bit confusing, I'm still glad I didn't try to read DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents and all of its tie-ins.

• Back in Greece instead of wherever the flashback took place⁵, Kate cries a bit and the therapist is all, "Well, that's it for today! You're probably nearly cured now, right? No, no! Don't answer that! Your hour is up! We'll continue next time with what Beth's bra looked like."

• Kate goes back to her room to stare at a picture of her licking her sister when they were pre-twelve. Meanwhile, somebody somewhere else⁵ speaks in Narration Boxes to somebody else about how Alice is indeed dead but they think they can remake Kate Kane in her image. Then she'll be "the herald of Anti-Life".

• The man who wants Kate is called Mr. Gores. The woman whose got eyes on Kate in the sanitarium is named Despina. Her loyal servant in the weird Greek choral mask is Slay. They're all working on behalf of Darkseid. I'd probably understand more of what's going on with Darkseid if I'd read any All In books that came out well before March 18th. But I've only read the March 18th, 2026 books! So I'll just assume Darkseid's still all hot and bothered about the Anti-Life Equation and he hates Superman and he wants to turn Earth into another Apokolips where he has control of all the metahumans and maybe also the one place where Love exists or something.

• As the three evil doers plot to kidnap Kate Kane and turn her into a Silver Surfer of Darkseid, Batwoman appears at their window and dangerously shines a laser into their eyes. Then she swears! But it's in typography so I can't be sure if she called the bad guy a cock or a cunt.

The Ranking!
How did I buy three DC comic books on Wednesday and wind up with three interesting books? Has DC been publishing interesting comic books again? I know I've been away for some years but it still doesn't seem possible. I've got to assume that the Deathstork book is a fluke that will quickly spiral into unreadability. But I think Batwoman will continue to be dark and gritty and full of women's undergarments so I'll keep picking it up. And Lobo is Lobo so that's not even a question. I hope these aren't fucking gateway comics that lead me into the hell realm of wanting to buy even more $4.00+ comic books!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Which is weird because the whole point of writing about these comic books is to cement them better in my memory. But I think what actually happens is that I make a lot of stupid jokes while not totally paying attention to the plot.
² I mean that in the most affectionate way! Like when you were young and you'd go to the ice skating rink to hang out with your peers and that one girl with the big boobs would lay herself across your back while laughing and flirting and even though you knew she wasn't serious it was still really appreciated and you always remembered her fondly. Is that the definition of a young tart? Should I look up what it really means or just keep using language incorrectly to the detriment of my reputation?! Bah, looking shit up is for nerds and tarts!
³ My guess is that Lobo did not battle Batwoman because it might have gotten a bit homophobic. Although I think maybe Lobo battled Wonder Woman and that was probably super sexist. But in a fun way!
⁴ I know! I hate that word too! I noticed it said "The Rapist" long before that SNL skit where fake Sean Connery says, "I'll take the rapist for $200, Alex!"
⁵ Probably Gotham, right?

Batwoman #2

"Eat my motherfucking pussy!"

The Review!
The word "motherfucker" is a great word if you don't think too much about it. I began thinking too much about it after typing that caption and now I'm sick with the opposite of an Oedipal Complex.

This issue begins with this Narration Box: "If you wish to cause yourself pain, how would you pick your target?" Um, look in a mirror? "Hey! I want to cause me pain. But who am me? Show me my target, mirror! OH NO! It's me!" I'm purposefully misunderstanding the Narration Box because it's poorly written as fuck. "Poorly written as fuck" is an example of something poorly written as fuck. I did that on purpose because I apparently wish to cause myself pain and have chosen to target my writing ability. You can't see it now but I'm weeping inconsolably.

This comic book references pussy eating the way a Flash comic book puns on speed. So it's no surprise that it begins with Safiyah (that name alone is practically a pussy eating reference!) drizzling honey into Kate's mouth directly out of a honeycomb. I know that's a metaphor for pussy eating because I've heard the Alice Cooper song where he calls a vagina "velcro candy sticky sweet." See? Sticky sweet like honey!

Remember Honeycomb cereal commercials from the eighties? "Honeycomb's big! Yeah yeah yeah! It's not small! No no no! Honeycomb's got a big big taste! A big big crunch for a big big bite! Pussy eating!" I think the first time I masturbated was after seeing that commercial where the biker crashes into the kids' treehouse and they sing about eating pussy.

This issue is called "The Many Arms of Death Part 2: Running Up That Hill." That's totally about orgasming a lot due to clitoral stimulation.

Silly baguette penis! This book is for lesbians!

Batwoman has been reminded of her lost year (or is it a "Lost year" as in she crashed on an island that she couldn't get off of for a year and not she took some time off to find herself year?) because she found Safiyah's dead butler on a dock in Italy. Or Greece. Don't assume I'm a terrible American with terrible geography skills! I'm a terrible American with a terrible memory and I can't remember where she was investigating the Monster Venom Terrorists. But now she's decided she needs to deal with Safiyah and that the Monster Venom Terrorists can wait. I mean, she only started her own monthly series to stop the terrorists so why not just shrug off the danger and go eat some lost year pussy?

Batwoman ditches Julia Pennyworth to find out why she was almost murdered by an assassin who was a close associate of Safiyah. She heads up to Safiyah's old bar (closed down and now owned by the Kali Corporation (get it?! Kali! The many arms of death!? Pussy eating?!) which was called The Desert Rose. That's totally a euphemism for a vagina. I learned that from Shakespeare. Whenever he talks about a rose, he means a vagina, no matter how many times he says a rose by any other name is still a rose and totally not a vagina and never mind why I put my hands down my pants every time I say rose.

Batwoman battles the assassin unimaginatively known as "Knife." She battles her poorly and must be rescued first by Julia Pennyworth's Bat Drones and then by the warlords who lived on the island under Safiyah's guidance. They might not be super excited to see Batwoman though since she's somehow responsible for the island falling apart. Probably because she broke Safiyah's heart when she moved back to Gotham.

No more pussy eating takes place this issue because Kate is too concerned with finding out what happened to the island. Apparently it was taken over by the Kali Corporation and Safiyah didn't fight it because she was too sad. Instead, she left the island and disappeared. So now I guess the Monster Venom Terrorists can continue to destroy the world while Kate resolves some conflicts from her past.

The Ranking!
No change! Guess what? It's another story about an evil corporation! Take that, corporations! Artists think you stink!

Batwoman #1

With all the pussy eating within the Rebirth issue, you'd think at least some of Batwoman's head would be full of oral sex and rim jobs.

When I first began doing reviews for The New 52, I used to just tally all of the speed based puns in every Flash comic book and rate it accordingly. Based on how much pussy eating innuendo went on in the Batwoman Rebirth issue, maybe I'll do basically the same thing for this comic book. But the reviews will be sexier! They'll also be far shorter because it's much easier to make a ton of puns based on movement than it is to slip in tongue-in-cheek references to pussy eating and rimjobs.

For the record, "slip in tongue-in-cheek" would count as one.

I don't know why Marguerite Bennett and James Tynion IV are so obsessed with eating pussy. It's like they've done it before and they know how enjoyable it is.

I just hope Jeromy Cox doesn't fuck up the American flag again this issue. What is he? A communist? Or a guy who failed eighth grade political science? Maybe he was just distracted by all the pussy eating.

You might be thinking I'm using the phrase "pussy eating" too much. Don't shoot the messenger! You try reading this comic book and not have the phrase ringing through your head as you do so! Other phrases that Tynion and Bennett are forcing into my head with their filthy writing: finger-banging, anal beads, butt clitoris. No wait. "Butt clitoris" is one of the things I'm constantly thinking while reading Midnighter and Apollo.

Now that I've completely reduced all gay characters to their bedroom (and kitchen counter) habits, let's begin reading Batwoman!

This issue starts with an easy riddle:

Take a whole fist up her vagina?

Batwoman is currently hunting terrorists who have a serum that turns the user into monsters. That's probably going to be the premise of this comic book for the first five or six issues. Hopefully it'll change by then because I'm already bored with the conceit. Seeing people turn into monsters? Could that be a chance for Batwoman to reflect on her own actions? Will she question how much of a monster she'll become in the name of justice? Also, I mean, the whole "hero hunting down bad people" story is so old. It's like the only story comic books ever tell! What about a story about a hero hunting down the perfect cup of coffee?

Instead of snatching the syringe out of the terrorist's hand so that he can't transform into a monster and kill a bunch of people as they battle, Batwoman throws him across the market where the syringe is suddenly too far away from her snatching ability. Oh! Is using the word snatch close enough to a pussy eating innuendo? I mean, I know I didn't say anything about eating but, come on! Snatch!

Remember how there was a Bandersnatch in the Jabberwocky poem? That was funny.

Anyway, the terrorist injects himself with Monster Venom and Batwoman is all, "Oh man! If only I could have stopped this from happening!" She says it really loudly so everybody can hear and then they'll all shake their heads and go, "Yeah, yeah! If only she could have stopped this from happening! It was totally out of her control the moment she threw the guy too far away from her instead of just taking the syringe!" Then the Daily Planet headline will be all "Batwoman Fucks Up!" I mean, the Gotham Gazette headline will read, "Batwoman Totally Does All She Can And Still Five Hundred People Dead! Totes Not Her Fault!"

Batwoman isn't working alone. She's got Julia Pennyworth doing the Alfred Pennyworth job for her. No, that doesn't mean Julia cooks food that Batwoman never eats. It just means she says sassy and snarky things on the other end of the communicator.

Everybody but Batwoman knew he was going to monster up! She thought he was just giving himself an insulin injection.

Julia and Kate seem to have a more intimate relationship than Bruce and Alfred. I mean, sure, everybody in the world has a more intimate relationships with everybody else in the world than Bruce has with Alfred. But I mean intimate in a more pussy eating way.

Doing the dishes is innuendo, right? Like "licking a plate clean"?

Julia seems a little bit unsatisfied, mentioning that Kate often skimps out on "chores". I see the problem in their relationship already! Who would call eating ass a chore?!

I was tired of typing "eating pussy" and then I thought, "A-ha! You know what is just as good? Eating ass!" It's also classier, I think.

A woman appears and kills the monster man just as Batwoman is interrogating him. All Kate gets out of him before he's killed is "The many arms of death." The murderer gets away but leaves a knife behind so that Batwoman can find her later. I bet she has lots of dirty dishes.

Kate Kane has a sophisticated computer system in her Bat-Yacht. It can do almost anything! But don't worry, it's not like a normal comic book where you're just expected to believe everything without a good scientific reason. Julia makes sure to let everybody know that this computer can do unimaginably impressive things because "it's been the 21st century for awhile now." That's good enough for me! Now when the computer tracks down the origin point of the knife to the island nation of Coryana by the process of 21st century technology, I don't have to put my face through the wall while screaming, "WHY NOT JUST DRIVE A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE UP THE SIDE OF A BUILDING?!"

By the way, Coryana is where Kate spent her lost year in her early twenties. She broke up with the woman who runs the place (Safiyah or something. Anyway, it sounded like Sappho for particularly apt pussy eating reasons) but her ex didn't exactly like the idea of being broken up with. I bet the assassin's knife was meant for Kate! Not all assassins in comic books can be perfect killers who always do their job because their reputation is at stake. Some of them have to be sub-par wanna-bes.

Kate and Julia head to Coryana so Kate can get her whole Safiyah Nemesis story out of the way right off the bat. You'd think Bennett and Tynion would have kept it looming in the background for awhile but I guess they're the type of people who jumps into bed just looking to blow the load as quickly as possible so they can get back to playing video games.

The Ranking!
No change! I hope the second issue is as uninteresting as this one so I can drop this series! Not because I don't like Batwoman. The New 52 Batwoman series was terrific until the writer and artist quit. But I'm currently looking for any excuse to drop as many comic books as possible.

Batwoman Rebirth #1

Hopefully somebody Batmansplains the proper way to hold a Batarang to Batwoman.

The Review!
Let's learn a little bit about Kate Kane! But not the Kate Kane you used to think you knew about! This is Rebirth Kate Kane! Sort of the same but a little bit different! All of these sentences end in exclamation points because I'm singing them loudly in my head as I type them! Kate Kane!

At age 12, Kate and her sister and her mother were kidnapped in Brussels on the way to get chocolate and waffles. That must be a French delicacy. I mean Austrian. Belgium? Uh, European! A European Union Delicacy! I hope Belgium is in the European Union or that joke is going to make me look stupid.

So, um, anyway, they're kidnapped and killed. Kate isn't killed. The other two are killed. Depending on how similar Rebirth Kate Kane is to Prebirth Kate Kane, her sister might not actually be dead. Also her mother might not be. But she definitely isn't. This isn't an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

At age 20, Kate Kane was in West Point eating pussy. The men in charge were all, "Nobody eats pussy at West Point!" And all the women who dated cadets at West Point were all, "I know, right?!"

Never mind the allusions to eating pussy. Why can't colorists get the fucking American flag right?!

Don't fucking get me wrong and think I'm offended by people fucking up the American flag! I don't give an ideological shit about that! I just can't believe how often colorists get the stripes wrong when all of the information ever about everything that has ever been and possibly will be is available online. It's not like the colorist had to pop down to the local library to check out a book on flags of the world. This happens so often that maybe I should stop believing it's a mistake! Maybe it's a gigantic fuck you to America! What does Jeromy Cox have against America? Or doing the slightest amount of research?!

I just looked up Jeromy Cox on Wikipedia to see if I could figure out why he couldn't get the flag right. And being the World's Greatest Internet Detective and/or Maker-Upper of Theories Which I Totally Believe Are True Once I Think Them Up, I figured out the problem! Cox got his start coloring for Wildstorm. If Wildstorm was run like Jim Lee ran his percentage of Image, then it totally makes sense that nobody would do any research or really care much about the finished product at all because they were getting fat paychecks for owning all of their shit.

I still perceive everything Jim Lee does through the lens of how terrible WildC.A.T.s #1 was.

At age 22, Kate decided to travel the world because the pussy eating didn't go so well at West Point. Apparently oral sex between two women is against Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Oh, but Power Showers between the guys is okay, right? I wonder what the actual wording of Article 125 is? "Thou shalt not pleasure a woman with your mouth in that way women like to be pleasured, not in the front or in the back. Women are to be regarded as the makers of babies and that is the end of that subject, mister!" Article 126: "A Power Shower is to be defined as two men under one spigot and that is that, no matter what other shenanigans take place."

At age 23, Kate experienced a lost year. I don't know what that means yet because I haven't read about it. If you'd just hold your whoreses, I'll get right back to you with some information.

After reading about the Lost Year, I didn't learn much. Kate spent the year with a Sugar Mommy on the island of Coryana while being stalked by a killer. Nothing funny happened at all.

At age 23, Kate wound up in Gotham. I guess the Lost Year was a little shorter than a year. But the Lost Eleven Months Or So sounds stupid.

In Gotham at 23, Kate winds up with Renee Montoya. So far Kate's life is all about whose pussy she's eating. That's probably why she was wondering at the beginning "Where are you going, Kate Kane?" Unless that was Safiyah asking that. It's hard to tell when it's a question in a Narration Box without any identifying marker. Safiyah seems like the kind of ex who never quite understands how breakups work. And since she admits to being in control of her island and having access to hired killers, she'll probably wind up as Kate's nemesis.

At age 24, Kate meets Batman. As Batman introduces himself by pointing out that he knows all about her and her role as Batwoman, the reader gets some images of Batwoman's recent past. They show monsters and Wonder Woman and Beth. What those images are saying is "Rebirth Kate Kane is basically New 52 Kate Kane but with whatever minor tweaks and changes we want to add or subtract because Rebirth!"

At age 27 or 28 (whatever age Kate is in the present), Batwoman takes on the mission to hunt down the Monster Venom being sold on the black market. That's why she's getting her own series. But she'll probably still hang out with the Bat-kids over in Detective Comics. Unless she's done training them? I don't know.

At age older than 28, Kate's mother returns to destroy Gotham. I guess.

The Ranking!
Slightly higher than middle of the road. The theme in this issue was "Where are you going, Kate Kane?" That's a question people love to ask young people. When I was around twenty, my Aunt asked me, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" I replied, "Where did you see yourself ten years ago?" And she said, "Good point." What I was saying is why fucking bother to worry about it? I suppose if you're one of those people who know from an early age what you want to be and how you want to spend your entire life, you can easily answer that question. But those people annoy me because how come they get to have all the answers for their life at such a young age?! I had no plans for my life and boy does it show! But not in a bad way! It's just nobody would look at my life and think, "Wow! Harvest levels of planning by that guy!" And that's probably most of us, even really successful people. Those who follow their dreams don't automatically make those dreams come true. I'd say more people fail to create the life they envision for themselves than actually do it. Whenever somebody says, "I'm proof that you can do it too!", I want to slap them in their stupid faces. In a theoretical way, yeah, I suppose it's true. Some people get to make their dreams come true. But it's not inspirational to show one person who did it when I know there are thousands who could say, "I'm proof that it can't be done!" What I'm trying to say is, um, good luck, Batwoman! Don't worry so much about where you're going or you'll miss all the good pussy eating opportunities at hand.

P.S. It might sound like I'm obsessed with Batwoman being a lesbian. I'm not! I'm just reflecting the tone of the comic! It's James and Marguerite who are obsessed with it! And I'm not sorry they are. There were some pretty good oral sex innuendos in this thing.

Detective Comics #936

What are the odds that Batman has yet to catch a bullet in the teeth?

The Review!
The revelation of the leader of The Colony was actually a huge disappointment for me. But I should have expected it! I was thinking this was the Rebirth of Detective Comics which meant an earth-shattering revelation was about to be dropped in the readers' collective lap! But what I forgot to remember was that this is just another issue of nine hundred plus issues of Detective Comics! It's nothing special at all! Nobody expects a mind-bending twist from Issue #936! How is that number important? It's like two members of a sixty nine got pissed at each other, turned their backs, and somebody shoved an ass between them! Or a bust? What I'm trying to point out is that #936 is only important if you're lucky number is three. Or six. Or nine. Or probably any other number because numerology is for nutjobs. On the plus side, the storytelling is well done (aside from Batman getting beat by only fifty guys emulating Batman. Please!) and the dialogue is pretty good (except for how chatty Cassandra was this issue). If I were teaching James Tynion IV creative writing, I would probably have given him a free pass into the world of comics too! Except I don't have any of those passes. It's even possible I have a negative number of those passes due to all of the ill will I've generated in the comic book professional community. Although is Cullen Bunn really a "comic book professional"? I don't think Hack Writer is one of their titles.

The Commentary!
Last night, somebody on Tumblr asked me what I thought of the Cho/Rucka Controversy. I hadn't heard about it because I don't give a shit about all that behind the scenes stuff but I did imagine that it probably had something to do with Frank Cho drawing Wonder Woman too naked and Rucka climbing onto his high horse so he could look down his nose at Cho. I think I was close enough to guessing what happened even though it was really just business stuff and DC Comics giving unclear assessments of jobs to freelancers and was actually some stuff that never actually needed to be brought to the public's attention. But then, I guess a lot of people like comic books for some seriously different reasons than I like them. I always thought it was about the stories and the characters. But it seems to be all about the gossip and outrage and excitement inherent in waiting for DC to fuck up.

The issue begins in a lesbian bar which isn't as exciting as your male gaze wants it to be. I guess if you're not male, you'll just have to imagine what the male gaze was expecting. It's not really hard to imagine: women playing Axis and Allies, drinking beers, watching sports, sucking each others' dicks. You know, stuff guys do.

Kate has summoned Renee to the lesbian bar and Renee has answered the summons in the hopes of having ex-sex. I bet ex-sex is pretty good because you still have an intimate knowledge of each other and you still care about each other but you don't have to worry about their stupid ass problems anymore. You just get to have an orgasm and not worry about calling them the next day. I wish I had an ex to have sex with! I mean, I wish one of my dozens of exes were around to have sex with me. But they're probably all busy at camp.

Renee isn't interested in ex-sex which is weird because I made it sound so great! Is it not really great? Is it actually overly complicated and rigged with emotional pitfalls and just ends in petty recriminations and remembered resentments?!

Anyway, Kate gets a call from Tim to let her know that Batman just got his ass kicked by only fifty guys and that maybe she should come down to The Belfry to help him point and laugh at Bruce.

Batwoman decides it's time to round up the kids for their first field trip! And by "kids," I'm including her father.

The expert is her dad. You'd have understood that if you were paying attention! There's a reason I followed the "including her father" bit with these panels, dum-dum!

Daddy Kane starts talking military strategy and possible motives of the Fake Batman Army. While they talk, Cassandra Cain is busy fighting a few of the Fake Batmen. I guess they got cocky now that they beat the main Batman. It's just that they didn't realize that they didn't beat the best Batman. Cassandra is going to kick some serious ass. Which she does. But her accomplishment is overshadowed by the fact that Daddy Kane is the guy behind the Fake Batman Army. What a dick! If you can't trust military fathers, who can you trust? No wait. I just meant to type "You can't trust military fathers." You can trust anybody more than you can trust a military father!

Daddy Kane decides to explain to the Batkids why he's doing what he's doing. I don't know why he bothers. Even if he could spray the room with rainbow semen right now, none of them would be impressed. He just betrayed them all and beat up their replacement father! Even if he explains that his Batman Army are taking down terrorists left and right without batarangs or due process, they won't listen. He's now become the enemy!

Batwoman and the Batkids escape because all of the talking took up too many pages for any actual fighting to take place. I guess their attack on the military and their treasonous acts against the United States will just have to wait another two weeks.

Detective Comics #935

Sure, Batman gets his name on the cover. What about Batwoman? And what about Black Canary in Green Arrow? And Mera in Aquaman? I'm beginning to suspect there might be sexism in comic books.

The Review!
This is the comic book where Batwoman has wound up so if you're into Batwoman, you're probably going to pick up this comic book. It's not as good as Batwoman was when Blackman and Williams were writing and drawing it. But I don't think we should try to make everything live up to its absolute best! Why should we ask for the highest standard possible from a company whose products we're buying?! I mean, most of you probably aren't buying the products anyway, right. BIG MANGA WINK. So you can't really expect DC to hire the best writers and artists when they aren't getting the money they might be expecting, can you? Plus it's better if the comic isn't absolutely stunning because then it's easier to justify pirating it! Oops! Sorry! I didn't mean to use the P-word! I meant easier to justify reading it on the sly? Reading it fairly for free? Why did I even bring up torrenting and theft and stealing anyway? It has nothing to do with this comic book! It's not my favorite book but it's a decent read and I like Batwoman. Plus Tim and Steph fuck while Cassie watches, so that's probably worth at least half of the cover price, right?

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Batwoman putting the Batkids through a training simulation. It's a super realistic training simulation too! One where Gotham is being attacked by five hundred Jokers while a plague of locusts devours everything in sight. If they can't prove themselves in this simulation, how will they ever be able to stop one Joker? Or two? Or three, at most?! They have to know how to take down five hundred at a time or they're not ready for even one!

Red Robin shuts down the simulation since he designed it. It uses pieces of Clayface to create the scenario which just seems insensitive to Clayface. It also sounds disgusting which is the part that would make me averse to using it. Which "spare" parts of Clayface does it use? Although this is pretty close to my idea of a training room heroes could use where they hire Multiplex to create copies of himself to be the antagonists. He'd probably cost less than robots or machines or this "Mud Room" of Tim's. Plus it would keep him out of trouble.

I guess Batman didn't want Clayface knowing where the Batcave was so he needed a new base to run Bat-School out of.

Wouldn't sharing this great 911 technology with the Gotham Police Department be the responsible thing to do? And ixnay on the aybay, Tim! Ayfaceclay is right erethay!

Tim has spent way too long doing whatever the hell he wanted while answering to nobody, so he's got a problem with Batwoman's training regime. He's probably lucky he's not in jail! He should just bite his stupid lip and keep his head down and do what he's told! You know, like nobody ever likes to do, or to be told to do. Tim decides to take the problem straight to the top. He goes off to whine at Batman.

Bully for Dr. Thompkins! Except her objection is like a Facebook post. It has not teeth or action behind it and she just goes on with the status quo while helping Batman put kids in danger.

I thought the "Doctor" in Dr. Thompkins' name was more of an educational thing. I thought she was into helping counsel orphans and runaways. Or maybe she was just into cutting up dead people! I suppose I should just admit I know nothing about her and should just accept that she has the skills to take care of a comatose Azrael, even when she's telling Batman she doesn't have those skills. I trust Batman more than Dr. Thompkins!

Dr. Thompkins tells Batman that Azrael is in no condition to talk and then the jerk begins talking. Way to throw the doctor under the bus, jerkbro! Luckily Azrael isn't disoriented or groggy when he comes to. He's able to tell Batman about the Colony before he passes out again. I'm no Batman but I think I'd take Azrael's message with a grain of salt. Why would I think he wasn't just ranting and raving about something he was just dreaming? I'm supposed to believe he wakes up from a coma and immediately spouts out helpful information before falling unconscious again? I guess the most important part of what I just said is the part where I said I was no Batman. Batman must have a way of knowing the difference between nonsense and plot devices.

Tim heads back to Steph's apartment to fuck so I guess that's something that's going on. Unless Tim is actually Clayface and Steph is fucking Clayface. I doubt that's happening because that would be rape and nobody wants fans being upset about rape in a story arc. Besides, Clayface already raped Poison Ivy some time ago in Detective Comics #896. For some reason, I don't remember that causing much of a hullabaloo. Probably because the people who get angry about stuff like this don't actually give a shit about reading DC Comics. They just give a shit about making a ruckus and feeling good about screaming at other people. Asking Lord Google about it, I don't see any mention of the rape aside from my own blog. I guess I should have been more vocal about it!

Kate has some family drama with her dad but since I don't like her dad, it probably wasn't an important scene. But it appeared in the story for some reason, right?! Maybe Kate's inability to tie a tie without it leaning to the left will be important later in the story! I'm sure that was the important part of the scene and not the part about how Kate is going to have to keep those kids together fighting the war against crime because Batman is a loner who isn't really good at teamwork.

Surprise! Batman has ulterior motives and is keeping secrets!

Batman is waylaid on his way home by The Colony! For some reason, they think fifty to one is good odds. Not against the Jeezly-Crow Batman, dum-dums! Plus, according to the cover, Batwoman will be along to help! Although not until next issue. So it's weird that that was on the cover, right?!

Detective Comics #934

Did Bats choose the purple to match Selina or The Joker?

The Review or Whatever!
Writing a comic book is much easier than writing a totally new book because you don't have to sit in the coffee shop looking thoughtfully at the ceiling while tapping a pencil across your face thinking, "How white and male should the main character be?" With comic books, you just get your assignment and go, "Oh hey! My main character is so white and male! Easy peasy!" Even if you don't get handed a piece of cake assignment and your character winds up being some other skin tone or gender, don't worry! You can probably get away with writing the character exactly how you were going to write it already since the gender and skin tone are mostly the work of the artists! But now you should try to include one or two panels every issue where the main character shakes their fist and goes, "Eww! White males!" And even though that sounds pretty easy already, it's actually easier than that! Because the character probably has so much history behind it already that you'll have a team of editors telling you all of the things you can't make the character do. You'll probably screw up so many times, the editor will just snatch your pen out of your hands and scream, "Give me that! I'll just do it myself!" After that, you'll have plenty of time to come up with a totally new character for the new book you're going to have to write because you've just been fired.

James Tynion IV knows what I'm talking about! Not only did he not have to come up with Batman all on his own, he didn't even need to fill out an application or send in a resume to write him! He just had to be the most successful teacher's pet ever! Now I wish I hadn't rolled my eyes so much in college. Although my creative literature teacher was blind so it didn't hurt when I did it in her class. Unless she had a teacher's pet who always snitched on me and then that teacher's pet went on to write all of the comics that my creative literature teacher didn't feel like writing but still wanted some cash for so she made sure to point out what a great opportunity she'd given the teacher's pet as the only writing she engaged in was adding her name to the writing credits as co-writer.

This issue begins with Azrael being electrocuted in a church by a shadowy person that has stolen Batman's aesthetic. I am disappointed when it is revealed that it was a Batman Look-a-like because I do not like Azrael much at all. It would be a shame if Batman didn't get to kill him. It would be a real black eye to Batman's reputation. I know I am already behind the new impostor Batman due to his Azrael initiative.

Have you noticed the word "impostor" has been used a lot in recent issues of DC Comics? And that editorial has not demanded any kind of consistency in the spelling! Sometimes it's impostor and sometimes it's imposter! So unprofessional!

Is this Doctor Ozymandias again? Or is everybody suddenly into watching walls full of monitors? Maybe this is the second Joker!

Batwoman makes her first appearance since World War II. I mean the World War II comic book that she's in where she's more sports-minded. I was going to say literal-minded but a bat is also a bat which is a bat, so how is Batwoman any more literal than Batwoman? You see? Previous to her World War II fascination with baseball, the great American total borefest, she was a hunter of urban legends. Now that's a sport I can get behind! It's why my favorite hockey team is the New Jersey Devils. How many professional sports organizations have an urban legend as a mascot?! I'm also lying about the Devils being my favorite hockey team. The hockey season is too long for me to give a shit about. But I am enjoying the Stanley Cup this year because the Sharks are as close as I'll ever get to having an actual favorite hockey team. I think it's fair to only like sports during the play-offs or finals. Some people might enjoy calling other people names like fair-weather fan or bandwagon jumper or Mister Fatty Fatty Buy Two Seats. But I just ignore them! I mean, a seven game final series is just about half the normal football season alone! So somebody who watches the playoffs of any sports that uses a seven game series to determine the winner is already investing more time than a football fan. Man, those football fans are lazy assholes, amirite?!

I once went to an All-Star game! That's like seeing the entire season in one game! I also saw Rush at the Shark Tank one year but they didn't skate.

For some reason, Batwoman takes phone calls while she's out on patrol. Her father is trying to get her to rejoin the military (or at least his civilian contracted outfit The Crows or whatever they were called) because he thinks she works better in a team. I don't think she really did but Tynion has to set it up as if that's the way of things so it won't be weird when Batwoman accepts the invitation from the Bat-Gang instead of crumpling it up and throwing it in the corner while screaming, "Oh! Are you finally going to fucking acknowledge I exist, you assholes?! What's the angle?!"

Kate Kane discovers Batman hiding in the shadows of her house because he has no concept of privacy or sense of decorum. I guess that's essential to being a vigilante. How are you going to catch criminals outside of the law if you can't sneak into a few friends' places or crash through every single skylight in the city with no care at all about the dangers of leaving all of that broken glass everywhere?

Batman has decided to be friends with Batwoman because he has a mystery to solve and he needs Kate Kane to get ready for her act. Partially because the Mystery Drones were watching her as well as watching Batman and partially because this mystery might involve an urban legend about a conspiracy that threatens Gotham. It might also involve the Watchmen, what with all the discussion of people being watched and all.

Why does Kate keep her bananas with her potatoes?

Batman wants Batwoman to help train the dozens of Bat-Orphans who keep showing up on his doorstep. To get her to trust him, he reveals to her that he's her cousin, Bruce Wayne! He's then surprised that Kate already knew who he was. He's all, "How?!" And she's all, "You don't play doctor with somebody hundreds of times and not learn a little something about their body language! Oh, also, there was that whole thing where those people from another universe revealed to the world that Dick Grayson was Nightwing. Doesn't take a genius to connect those dots! I mean, some idiots who write and edit comic books might think it would take a genius but then they're not exactly geniuses themselves, are they?" I might not be quoting her exactly.

Next Batman has to introduce Batwoman to all of the Batchildren she never knew she had. Batman is all, "Meet Spoiler! Daughter of certifiable geniuses and a genius. Here also is Red Robin. Tactical genius of the genus genius-e-genius. Then there's Cassandra. Quiet but--and this may surprise you--a genius! And of course, Bluebird who is a rough and tumble street genius! And last and certainly least because he's definitely no genius...Clayface! Although on stage, total genius!"

Oh, I guess Bluebird is off learning to be a more refined genius so she didn't get the invite to Bat School. That doesn't mean she isn't any less of a genius than all of the other members! I'd feel a bit awkward if I were Clayface. He's the Rodney Dangerfield of this outfit. I hope the other kids include him in their beer poppers and their keg smashers and their finger bangers. Those are all terms for cool things cool kids do, right? I mean, of course they are! If you don't recognize them as such then you must not have been cool. Loser!

I wonder if just Adrian and Jon are behind The New 52. Could the "Batman" at the beginning have been Nite Owl? Will all the Watchmen who decided not to be blasted into non-existence like Rorschach have agreed that the Machiavellian methods were needed to save the universe? Probably not since the last page shows an army of Batmen who are behind Azrael's beating and the coming war on Gotham. Although the person leading that army is yet to be revealed. It's probably Doctor Ozymanhattandias.

Bombshells #5

"We can do it" is my second favorite phrase uttered by a woman. My first is "I also brought pizza for during!"

Marguerite Sauvage's name is not on the cover of this comic book again which is devastating to my future boner. That wasn't meant to make Marguerite Sauvage uncomfortable! That was to make Bombshell Batwoman and probably anybody reading this uncomfortable! Might I politely ask that if you're a really visual reader whose mind cannot help producing images of everything you read, please be generous with your mind picture of my erection. My fake self-esteem will appreciate it.

The first story in this issue is a Batwoman story and now I'm completely depressed. I simply assumed that Marguerite Sauvage would be doing the art for every chapter in the Batwoman story. Now I have to look at art that might be just fine and perhaps amazing for most people but does nothing for the limpness in my pants. It's too bad, really. When I pick up a comic book called "Bombshells" with a beautiful woman on the cover, I expect a comic book full of the Boob-Butt Showcase and tiny bikinis and undulating things which undulate! And while this may be that along with a message that I'm totally ignoring because it's against my own best interests to make misogynist jokes (no matter how funny I could probably make them!), I'm more than slightly disappointed that it isn't also drawn by Marguerite Sauvage.

I don't know how you pronounce her last name but she surely was called "Miss Sausage" in elementary school on a weekly basis, right? I should know since I had a last name that, while not horrible, was constantly used in sorry and often unoriginal attempts at humor. But my last name is a secret (it is not "Tess Asecret") because this is the internet age and if you really want to figure out who I am, it really wouldn't be that fucking hard. Besides, all you really have to do is send me a message saying, "Hey Tess! I want to send you a gift! What is your address?!" Then I'll be all, "Oh yeah! Awesome! Here's where you can find me if you want to murder me in my sleep! Ha ha!"

Batwoman is currently in Berlin to probably kill Hitler? So am I supposed to assume that the story where she and Italian Catwoman fucked for seventy-two hours straight never happened anywhere except in my Fan Fucktion Diary?

Oh boy! The sex is still going to take place! Naturally I assumed it would take place in Italy because Selina's last name is gibberish pronounced with just the right hint of garlic.

Some people might accidentally think that the above caption was rude and prejudiced. But here's a quick lesson in self-deprecating irreverence. The caption is actually poking fun at me being an American who can only speak English and understands all members of other nations through only one or two stereotypes. So I, as an American, really can't pronounce Selina's last name the way it should be pronounced and I, as an American, really think all Italians have an irrational fear of being attacked by vampires.

Selina's last name is DiGatti which--being a self-certified expert in all languages--I can translate as "Woman who loves petting cats if you know what I mean." Alexander Luthor (some might call him "Alex" or "Xander") owns a self-driving car which the two take to the sex party to meet Selina's nether regions.

Selina wastes no time getting to the sex talk and how she likes her "cats" coiffed. She's a modern woman!

Selina leads Batwoman into the backroom where things get super sexy if you're into resurrection rituals. The demon-infused Joker's Daughter demonstrates that she has the power to animate dead soldiers. It's part of some plan to do something which will lead to other things. It doesn't really make much sense to me but then my mind might already be off playing video games. I guess it's some kind of attempt to help the Nazis win the war quickly so that the rich and powerful can keep their money or something? Maybe it's just supposed to be cool because undead soldiers! Neat!

Meanwhile in the second story, Hal Jordan's fighter plane gets shot out of the sky. Luckily he's not in it because Harley Quinn stole it so she could fly around and sing Christmas carols. I would also try to explain this scene but I can't. Not because my mind is drifting off and thinking about killing noobs (are people who play Call of Duty who are garbage still thought of as noobs? (Are their skills still described as garbage?! (Obviously I need to learn to taunt other players better))) but because Harley Quinn is insane. When the plane blows up, she rides a bomb down to her death. When it doesn't explode and, I guess, lands softly in a greenhouse, every reader puts a hand down their pants because they know what a greenhouse means: it's another potential lesbian sex fiesta!

I'm about ninety percent certain that Poison Ivy is saying, "Would you like to experience the taste of my inner thigh?"

Poison Ivy should think about a different outfit that shows more nipple. Wasn't that ever all the rage in France? It sounds like the kind of clothing that would force me to hear somebody say haute couture.

Poison Ivy tells Harley Quinn all about how she loves to kill Germans and bury them under the greenhouse. It's the kind of speech you usually only tell people you've known since childhood or you're about to kill. Sometimes both. It's possible you'd also reveal secrets like that to the lesbian you're about to lesbian fuck in a double page spread, cross my fingers!

Since Germany has just defeated France, some Nazis come to the door. Harley kills most of them while Poison Ivy gets the getaway truck ready so they can head deep into enemy territory looking for Harley's boyfriend. What they leave behind are a bunch of Nazis raised by Poison Ivy's perfumes and tinctures.

Nazi zombies! Now I really am distracted by thoughts of playing Call of Duty!

The final story is about Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov which is great because it's the story I care least about! All of the other Bombshells are working their way to Berlin where they'll meet up and defeat the Nazis by working together and then proclaiming the war over and celebrating with drinks and German jokes which will become constant reminders to the German people that they allowed this to fucking happen and they should pay for it forever until the end of time, generation upon generation! If you're German in 2015 and you don't feel the appropriate level of embarrassment for your part in what Hitler did, then you're probably a lot like white Americans who don't know anything about history but can tell you the exact number of years since slavery was outlawed. But Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov? They're going to wind up in Berlin helping the allies and then after it's all said and done, they'll be all, "What is our reward, comrades? How about everything east of where I am standing? Good for you? Because we could probably continue warring if you want to say something other than no?"

Okay, maybe Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov won't say that! But unless they defeat General Arkayn, he'll say all of that! Unless this comic book follows history how it actually happened without superheroes and then Russia will wind up owning lots of countries no matter what anybody does. Because let's face it. Everybody was tired of war at that point and Russia was all, "We could go few more rounds."

Starikov and Stargirlikov have refused to follow the orders of Arkayn and now they must rush back home to keep Arkayn from murdering their parents. They return to find soldiers ready to kill their parents if they do not surrender to be used as medical experiments. They have no choice! They cannot stop all of the soldiers from shooting their parents. I guess General Anton Arkayn has won because who could possibly stop this madman?!

Oh yeah! Although shouldn't Swamp Thing have boobs and maybe a pair of knee high heeled boots to make his ass pop?

Kara and Kortni carry their parents away but are attacked by the Night Witches. During the scuffle, their father is captured and tells the girls to take their mother and run. I mean fly! It was important that he said "fly" because they loved to fly and because they are not The Flash who never misses a chance to say something about running.

DC Comics Bombshells #5 Rating: No change. Another month (hell, it's actually only been two weeks, I think?!) where the stories weren't quite up to the quality I was expecting after the first few issues. That doesn't mean it wasn't good! It just means I didn't increase its ranking on the chart! The dialogue in the Stargirl and Supergirl story was top notch and I enjoyed the interaction between Harley and Ivy although it could have been a bit more adult and included a few more happy endings. But the parts I was disappointed in have my expectations to blame! When I pick up a Bombshells comic book, I'm expecting lots and lots of cheesecake pinup shots! Um, surrounded by empowering and feminist dialogue, of course! That part is even more important. Although wouldn't things be more empowering if there were more tongues exploring more orifices? Maybe DC Comics should think about publishing a companion comic book to this one that's printed without dialogue and in which the clothing has been removed from the female characters. It can be called DC Comics Male Gaze (Not To Be Confused With Pretty Much All Of Our Other Comics With Female Leads Especially When Drawn by Tony S. Daniel or David Finch)!

Bombshells #1

I'm already viewing this material inappropriately.

I will be referring to DC Comics' new comic book, "DC Comics Bombshells," as just "Bombshells" because DC Comic's DC Comics Bombshells sounds stupid. Although when Marvel comes out with their Marvel Bombshells, I will be sure to differentiate between the two so as not to confuse all the horny bastards reading this comic book.

Let me try to explain feminism's biggest hurdle in a way that doesn't make me sound like the misogynist I probably am! No matter how feminist a woman's presentation of ideas might be, no matter how the source engages the mind and logically points to the benefits of feminism to everybody in the patriarchy, no matter how threatening and scary the source material is toward those who have chosen not to see women as equal individuals within our society, no matter any possible thing at all which you can think of, some guy is still standing off to the side thinking about how he wants to fuck the woman engaging the audience. Like the ever present Eye of Sauron, the Male Gaze sees all, sexualizing and objectifying as it sweeps past.

Of course, these women in this comic book are supposed to be sexy. They are, after all, bombshells. Which means they're so sexy they will explode your pants.

The issue begins like this and now everything I read and say for the rest of the week will come out sounding like an overenthusiastic newsreel speaker who sounds like he's coming down off of a major methamphetamine bender delivered via helium balloon.

So instead of Bruce discovering the pain and grief of losing his parents in a mugging turned to murder, he discovers boners and masturbation. I have a feeling he's going to turn into a super hero with a seriously inappropriate nickname.

It's quite clever, isn't it? I don't mean that sarcastically the way I usually mean "It's quite clever" sarcastically. I really mean it this time! World War II. Bombshells. Women's baseball. Batwoman but with a baseball bat instead of a flying rat bat! It's the kind of clever that makes you think, "Why is my life such a fucking trainwreck of stupidity and lewd nonsense?" It's probably best you don't try to answer that question, especially as you get older because soon you'll have more stupidity and lewd nonsense in your past then you'll know how to cope with.

The women on the Gotham all-female baseball team wear masks because some guys who don't like having boners are against women in short skirts playing baseball. I was just about to type up another thought when I simply typed "butt" after typing that last sentence. My brain and fingers are rebelling! Sorry, fellas! We wasted the entire day doing nothing and now we have to write commentaries. The butts will have to wait.

Oh no! A gang of criminals are robbing the people in the cheap seats! They might make off with a buck forty-two if somebody doesn't stop them!

Rich people apparently used to love to go to fictional Gotham Knights games in 1940 because the criminals stuff their sack full of bills as opposed to nickels and dimes like I would have expected. And they would have been happy to have those nickels and dimes! That shit was like gold hundreds of years ago in the 1940s.

That last sentence was for readers of the future! I hope you're all fucking sweltering under a toxic sky full of ozone and carbon dioxide, you still living assholes! I'm so envious!

I think this is sexist because it portrays Batwoman as a woman who doesn't know the difference between home plate and the other bases. Unless it was Marguerite Sauvage who didn't know that. Or maybe it was Marguerite Bennett who wrote this scene imagining that home plate was something a person could just pick up and throw at criminals like this base which Batwoman does pick up which isn't home and thus ruins the effectiveness of her one-liner. That criminal nailed his retort with that "broad" quip though! Zing!

I just realized that by doing a commentary on this comic book, it's like I'm literally walking through a minefield! I mean, not literally literally! More figuratively literally but with a really close association between the name of the comic book (Bombshells!) and the mines in a minefield! Because bombshells have bombs in them and minefields are full of bombs and I'm going to step on at least five or six sexist comments before I'm done with this thing.

I think you'd better open up a bit more free time because, as I proved earlier, your insults are a bit off the mark. They're like curve balls!

This is probably a sexist statement so just skip the rest of this short paragraph if you're the type of person who wants to ruin somebody's life because they say something sexist. Although it might also be an empowering statement exuding feminist ideals as well! The line between sexist and empowering is often so hard for me to see! I mean, is Batwoman being empowering or is she being sexualized? It feels empowering to me but my boner says otherwise! Wait! That wasn't the sexist statement I meant to type! That was me just rambling! Here's what I was going to say: I find baseball really fucking boring but if it were being played by females only, I think I'd give it another chance.

Batwoman and her girls tie up the bad men and shove baseballs into their mouths. Is that how ball gags were invented? Is "is that how ball gags were invented" a ball gag?! Get it?! Ha ha! I've had plenty of free time to think these up!

Maggie Sawyer stops by with half the GCPD so the Gotham Knights skedaddle since I guess it's illegal to play baseball and catch criminals at the same time. Maggie Sawyer is all, "Look at my fantastic forties hair-do! Why did this go out of fashion? And the clothes! Everybody was so dapper!"

Oh Kate! Looking gorgeous and a Hemingway put-down to boot?! The last thing I need is to fall in love with a fictional lesbian!

Later Mags and Kates shower together. But it happens off-panel so I'm able to keep reading without needing a, well, um, "bathroom break." The next scene does have them sleeping in bed in sexy nightgowns but it in no way makes up for cutting the shower scene. What does make up for cutting the shower scene, though, is the appearance of a new character landing a plane on the roof of their apartment.

Yes! Best comic ever outside of the DC Youniverse's main continuity (which is currently pretty flimsy itself)!

This story was fun and evocative and beautifully drawn! I suppose I should also say that the lettering did not distract from the story (although the font was a smidgen too small) and the coloring helped the art to leap off of the page! I don't want to hurt the feelings of the letterer and the colorist although I might have already hurt the colorist's feelings when I said Sauvage might not know certain details about baseball. This is the type of story that should comprise fifty percent of comic books on a yearly basis. This is the kind of comic book story that people shouldn't have to see as being feminist because it should just be one of any number of stories led by women because some stories are that way and some stories are the other way. This story was smart and engaging and adorable and it's only the first of three in this comic book! Yowzers! I don't know if I can handle two more like it!

The next story takes place in the same year but the location is off the coast of Greece. You all know what that means! Insert sodomy joke here for some reason! Why is Greece always portrayed as the place where men engage, liberally, in butt-stuff? Back in Richard F. Burton's day in the Middle East, the Persians were thought of as the guys who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp and the ram in the rama lama ding dong. Also, the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop and the dip in the dip da dip da dip. Maybe Middle Easterners still think that way while Westerners think the thing about Greece. Personally, I don't get it. If they like butt play, more power to them! Stop being such prudes, America!

After an introduction to Steve Trevor and his obsession with Wagner, he crashes his plane and awakens washed up on the shores of Paradise Island to become a prisoner of Wonder Woman. I expended all of my words on the Batwoman story so we'll have to cut this one short and say that it ends with Steve Trevor's plane singing as it sinks to the bottom of the ocean where a huge eye looks at it. I think.

The final story takes place in Moscow because Supergirl would be so sexy with a Russian accent. That was probably the whole reasoning behind having her raised by Russians.

Does Kara not know she's a super hero yet? Maybe her powers don't kick in until she deep kisses another woman! Or has her first orgasm! No, if it's that one, she's not going to be Supergirl for another fifteen years! I don't think women had yet discovered orgasms in 1940.

A guy hits on Kara and points out that his fingers can do wondrous things. Like tie a perfect bow? Or play a harp? I think he must mean something more vulgar because Kara flicks him in the head and gives him irreparable brain damage. Afterward, she and her buddy Kortni Stargirlikov head off to the airfield to get their flying assignments.

Amanda and Kate are also at the airfield on a mission for Task Force XX. But they're not part of this story yet! They still haven't even made it to this point in their own story! So that will have to wait until next month. Until then, Kortni needs to blow up in an airplane which just seems a bit, um, inappropriate? No?

Kara saves her friend and the two planes and lands among the other Night Witches. But having super powers is against the law in a Communist nation unless you can share your powers with everybody else. So Lady Nightwitch tells the other Night Witches to arrest Kara and Kortni and throw them in a gulag where they'll probably just break out considering the demonstration of power everybody just witnessed.

Bombshells #1 Rating: I purchase comic books mostly to be entertained. I suppose I also purchase them to distract me from the dark gulf of non-existence coming ever closer, snorting and shuffling and breathing its hot bull breath on the back of my neck, day after ever-quickening day! This comic book did both in spades! I hardly once thought about the cold dark of the grave while enjoying the stories contained within the comic book's pages. The setting may be over fifty years older than the majority of the people reading the book but it translates well while not losing any of the feeling and sensibility of the time evoked through its more than competent words and its nearly flawless art. If this comic book were the broad it's pretending to be, I would totally stare at her from afar and wish I could have sex with her while knowing full well that I am not, nor would ever be, worthy of her notice. I would even know better than to go back to staring at her after she caught me looking once or twice because compared to her, I'm a disgusting, loathsome beast not fit to experience the same light waves reflected off of her own eyes. I would sully her simply by making eye contact! I'm so gross and horrendous!

Convergence: The Question #2

Brrrrt!

That caption was a fart noise. It's also the noise my high school dungeonmaster used to make whenever he was leaving. Or making a pizza. Or rolling dice. Or, and I'm just extrapolating here from prior evidence, fucking somebody.

When we last left The Question asking questions like "Who am I?" and "Why is Two-Face so mean to me?", she had just teamed up with Batwoman and The Huntress. I think they want Two-Face to join their group so they can call their team TBQH, or "To Be Quite Honest." Unless they'd rather be known as QHTB, or "Quit Humping The Bagels."

Now that we've caught up to The Question, she's asking more philosophical questions like "If we're all going to die in the end, why do we bother?" She states it as "If life is conflict, why do we bother?" You know why we bother? Because we were born without any regard to our choice in the matter and lived long enough to become aware of our mortality. That causes us to realize we'd rather struggle and mourn and lose love and curl up on the floor in a ball crying our eyes out over a dead pet and stub our toes and get cavities and struggle with breast cancer than to not exist at all. Even persons of faith fear death because no matter how much you declare your faith is strong because it's basically a sin to not have faith, there's constantly a small doubt that your beliefs are based on bullshit. Or, and this might actually be scarier to those of a religious bent, that you didn't impress your god enough and will be spending eternity being punished for that brief faltering of your faith. We struggle with all of the bullshit because it's better than not being here.

At least, that's how most people feel. People do choose to kill themselves. And whether it's a trick of their brain chemistry that duped them into believing non-existence would be better than struggling or if they were simply and truly tired of the quagmire of life, they still, somehow, face the dissolution of their ego into the void of eternity and take the bravest (or most illogical (or, perhaps, sickest)) choice anybody can make. I'm tired of a lot of it. But I can't imagine be so tired that I choose to never be able to imagine anything ever again.

The Question will probably come up with something more optimistic like we put up with the struggle for love and family and friends and j;mily.... Whoops! Sorry! I couldn't help making jerk off motions with my hand and it fucked up my typing. If you're Batman or Sherlock Holmes, you now know which hand I use to masturbate.

No bickering! There's plenty of Question to go around.

Two-face is busy recruiting gang members to follow him into battle to defeat the other Two-face. I wonder if the other Two-face's face will be a mirror image of this Two-face's face? Or maybe the Harvey Dent he has to battle never had acid thrown in his face at all!

The Question continues her internal monologue about shit that relates to her dying father. That previous stuff about why do we struggle? That was about her dying father (and the human condition as a whole but, I mean, that's just because her father's struggle with cancer is just one example of what he all ultimately have to face). Then that thing about keeping a sense of humor? About her dying father. Now she's thinking about a guy named Charlie she knew who died badly of cancer which makes her think about dying with no regrets. I have a feeling she's going to say some shit about dying with regrets that I previously said in my Convergence: Atom #1 commentary.

Renee calls people who die with no regrets "stupid." I called them "lying, soon-to-be-dead assholes." We petty much agree!

The Question tracks her Harvey to the Gotham Courthouse where he's confronting other Harvey. Other Harvey's face is pristine. I bet he still doesn't call himself stupid like "One-Face." Fucking David Finch. That was the worst ending of all the first issues of The New 52!

The Question's Harvey asks Other Harvey if he can still tell right from wrong and tosses him his coin. Other Harvey says he tries to tell right from wrong but unless you're Ayn Rand or a fan of hers, you understand the majority of the world is grey. Or gray. Which is right?!

I suppose Post-Zero Hour Harvey Dent can lose his battle (you know, by shooting himself in the face) and it won't mean the end of Post-Zero Hour Gotham. Since so many people are fighting, it must be a final tally of fights won which indicates which city survives. Of course Renee isn't going to let any such thing happen. Not on her, and her ex-girlfriend's and "roommate's," watch.

Sex with a roommate isn't sex! It's just part of the chore wheel.

Renee walks in on the Harveys engaged in a legal discussion about the right to kill to save their cities. Is it defense? Or is it murder? It's the court case of the century! Whatever century they're in. But ultimately, Harvey is simply trying to convince Other Harvey why Other Harvey should be the one to live. This isn't murder at all; it's suicide.

Except that Renee jumps in front of Harvey Dent as Other Harvey pulls the trigger and takes the bullet herself.

Ouch. My heart. And my penis! Stupid tight boxers.

Renee's suit was made out of Kevlar so she's just fine. And even better now that she and Kate are kissing again. And she'll be even betterer later when they do whatever it is lesbians do with each other. Watch action flicks?

Harvey asks Renee, "What do I do now?" First off, you stop looking at the Question for answers! Ha ha! No, but seriously, Renee answers, "Be the good man." Then she leaves with her ex-roommate and her girlfriend while Harvey stand staring at his coin on the floor. I guess he's paralyzed by the choice about whether he should pick it up or not since it's on the floor and he can't flip it to determine if he should pick it up.

Afterward, Renee goes to visit her father and I don't feel a thing and you have to believe me because there isn't video evidence of my tears.

He's so fucked up on morphine that he probably forgot she was gay.

The issue ends with Renee realizing life is about the conflict and about the questions and about making mistakes and about getting the chance to make them right again. She also winds up with Two-Face's coin, so I guess he's gone on the straight and narrow. Or maybe he's just advanced to a six-sided die.

After Other Harvey shot Renee, he was sucked into a vortex. Is that because he was deemed the winner even though nobody died? Telos is a pretty shitty judge if that's the case. Maybe he was deemed the loser because he shot the wrong person and didn't kill them and no fight really took place! Whatever happened, it didn't matter because the Convergence shit was just an excuse for Greg Rucka to write this story about love and reconciliation and regrets and homophobic fathers.

Convergence: The Question #2 Rating: After reading this issue, I see how the first issue was as much of a set-up as it needed to be to truly tell this story. But the heart of this two issue series was in this issue. The Convergence stuff didn't matter at all. It just formed the set and the location for this story to take place. It even ends without any resolution to the Convergence fight which is just fine by me. That crap will probably be settled unsatisfyingly in the pages of the Convergence weekly. I'm sure everybody will wind up living together in some kind of peace and harmony on this world or, perhaps, all of their universes will suddenly exist within the non-space and non-time of the planet Telos and the Bleed. Anyway, this was a terrific story and I can't imagine any of the other Convergence stories will be better so I'm ranking it as the best of them all! I doubt I'll cry twice during any other books. Theoretically!

Divergence: Starfire

The new Starfire monthly is going to be written by Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner while being drawn by Emanuela Lupacchino and inked by Ray McCarthy. I think I just came in my pants like eight times. That's a good fucking team right there!

The sneak peek begins with Gen 13 answering an unasked question to an unknown person. It's quite obvious (and not meant to be a super secret mystery) that the person asking the question was Starfire and the question was, "Where should I live, Gen-13?!" Other people Starfire consults? Roy Harper. Tim Drake. Essence. Zatanna. And Cheshire, for some reason. Maybe she's been captured by Cheshire in that last panel and decided to pick her brain before she escapes.

She's obviously going to pick Metropolis! That's where solar-charged hero's live!

Starfire heads to Metropolis but to ask Superman for advice since he's an alien as well. She mentions she has no interest in being a super-hero and I still really have no clue as to why she was "an outlaw" over in that other shitty and forgettable comic book she starred in.

Starfire might fit in in Miami! Or, being she has orange skin, the Jersey shore!

I'm glad she didn't ask Batman.

Starfire's choice of places to live is Key West. And her first friend is Sheriff Gomez! Although Sheriff Gomez doesn't quite know it yet. To be continued in Starfire #1, yo!