Batman #48 & #49: The Best Man

I like what Tom King has done in comics. I truly like the way he tells a story. But he's got one major problem. He doesn't seem to know when a story doesn't need to be told. This is that story.

The easy reason for why it didn't need to be told is that we've seen this premise before. If Batman is happy, he stops being Batman. Got it. Understood! Thanks for making sure Batman remains grim and unbearable for the sake of hardcore fans who don't know the definition of whimsy. Anyway, Snyder, who retold the story most recently, took over a year to tell this story so at least I can say Tom King's version is shorter.

The hard reason for why it didn't need to be told will take a convoluted while for me to tell. So let me start with why I know why it needed to be restated as prologue to the wedding of Batman and Catwoman. Comic book readers, who know this marriage will never take and is just another big nothing in the life of a comic book character whose basic attributes and life situation can never truly change, needed to be reminded that they knew this marriage wouldn't work. We've had months of Bat this and Cat that lulling us into this fantasy world where Batman and Catwoman would suddenly be fighting crime together at night and ruining the sheets Alfred keeps bleaching by day. What a wonderful world this was going to be! So romantic and fun!

But then the Joker had to show up and shit all over it in the most disturbing way possible. If you're thinking the most disturbing way possible to shit on Batman's wedding is to shit on Batman's wedding, you're wrong by a factor of a spree killing in a church.

Oh, but before I continue with that thought, let me answer the question I keep hearing from all of my imaginary readers: "So, Grunion Genius, you're saying this story didn't need to be told but that the previous Booster Gold story did?" No, you fucking idiots, that's not what I'm saying. Christ, it's like I have to constantly hold the hands of your tiny brains when I say anything at all on the Internet so I don't have to hear your incessant and imagined stupidity! Obviously no comic book story ever needs to be told. But I don't want to get into the philosophical weeds where we keep getting back to the main question of how we tell the nature of reality through our meager and insufficient means of experiencing it. If I accept the Booster Gold story can be told, I suppose I need to accept that this story can be told. Except I don't want to. Which leads me back to the reasons why before you interrupted me.

But first let me interrupt myself! Way back when I was a virginal teenager (much different than today because now I'm a virginal adult), I remember having this distinct thought about a comic book series I was reading: "I hope I don't die before I can finish reading this story." I'd like to say it was something like Watchmen or Elfquest or even Crisis On Infinite Earths. But it's sad to say it was just as likely to have been Blue Devil or Blue Beetle or Blue Falcon and Dynomutt. The important thing to realize is that I was once an age where each individual story seemed important. I was passionately invested in any garbage turned out from month to month because I was invested in the characters. Back then, I didn't follow writers or artists or Gnostic visions brought on by the ingestion of psilocybin mushrooms. I just wanted to read more stories about Skywise banging Foxfur in a starry meadow. But I'm more sophisticated now! I mean more cynical! I mean more understanding of the way comic books work and how they never really get to the point of anything. They're just one meaningless drama after another as each writer takes a turn to express why they feel the character was important to them twenty years before they finally got a chance at writing that character. It turns out a lot of writers just want to say the same exact thing.

And that was my first and easiest to come up with reason for why this story didn't need to be told. My second reason was, essentially, that no story actually needs to be told so that seems to make my first reason moot. But it doesn't! Because if no story needs to be told then all stories can be told. Which means none of them truly matter. Which brings me back to the difficulty of expressing the point of this essay: Tom King didn't need to tell this story.

I think it's important to try to understand why Tom King thought he needed to tell this story though. Did you read The Sheriff of Babylon? I'm going to assume that you did. In it, Tom King seemed to be expressing the absurdity of this world in a truly serious and awful story about how war and the clash of cultures and greed and desire and need and corruption and all of the human accessories piled upon us to fuck us all, forever. It's absurd that so many people suffer from global conflicts that we all feel powerless to avert, as if they're a volcano erupting or a tsunami triggered by a massive earthquake. We're all swept up in unnatual disasters we treat as natural. What can you do? This is the way things are. We have a role and we must play our part. *shoulder shrug*

In The Sheriff of Babylon, we discover a group of people caught up in this existential farce. But we also see them trying their best to do the right thing. What can you do in the face of absurdity except to try to do your best? I mean aside from, like most people, to do their worst by making everybody miserable simply to get what they want. There is that choice, after all. That point will probably tie back in when I get back to Batman but my main point here is trying to highlight that, I think, the world cracked Tom King and he can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all as he treats it as deadly serious.

Take a look back at the Booster Gold story in the previous Batman arc. It's nothing if not a deadly serious situation told in an absurd fashion about one guy trying to do the best he can to improve that situation. That's also The Sheriff of Babylon (except the one dude is two dudes and a lady). That's also The Omega Men (except the one dude is a tiger man and a princess and a robot and an orphan and the worst Green Lantern (in his best role)). That's also Mister Miracle (except the one dude is one New God and his wife and baby). And then, there's Maude. I mean Batman.

Maybe I should sum up "The Best Man"? The Joker murders a bunch of people in church to get Batman's attention. He then defeats Batman so that Catwoman has to step in. This is when we learn that his main reason for this nonsense is to convince Catwoman to not marry Batman by killing her. Or maybe just convince her by almost killing her and then dying. Whatever his reasons (which, let's face it, are unfathomable because he's The Joker, right?!), the main point is to keep Batman sad and grim so that Batman will keep punching The Joker in the face.

Wait! I don't think I told that right! The Joker points out that if Batman is happy, he can't be Batman (as we saw in Snyder's story and all the others that I'm certain exist but I don't have time to research and I can't remember due to all those Gnostic visions). And if he can't be Batman, he can't stop the Joker from constantly killing people in Gotham churches. Not that Batman stops that anyway. I guess what Batman really does is stops the Joker from killing everybody in two churches (or killing everybody from two poisoned reservoirs (or killing everybody from two Joker-tainted Justice Leagues (or killing everybody from two massive gas attacks (or from killing everybody from two machine gun filled parades (or, well, you probably got the point twenty years ago))))). What is left ambiguous is whether the Joker wants Batman to stop him because, as Catwoman via The Riddler's logic points out, he's not really crazy and needs to be punished for what he knows are evil actions, or if The Joker just loves Batman and would miss him if he stopped being there to punch Joker in the face. What isn't left ambiguous is that the Joker convinces Catwoman of this by the end of the story. Batman says, "We don't know what the Joker wanted but he didn't get it." And then Catwoman laughs because, literally, what he wanted was Catwoman to laugh. Of course his main agenda was to get Catwoman to not marry Batman. But that, of course, is why Catwoman laughs at Batman's suggestion that the Joker didn't get what he wanted.

So that's the story! The Joker does a horrible thing while saying shocking stuff to Batman and then nearly kills all the main characters before Catwoman finally gets the joke. And after all these words, I haven't really stated why this story didn't need to be told (aside from the fact that it's been told and we, as comic book readers, already understand that Catwoman and Batman will not wind up in a happily ever after (since, you know, comic books don't have an after! They just have an eternal almost now).

The reason the story did not have to be told seems to be because it made me uncomfortable. It really is an unpleasant read. I can see the regular Internet critics who hate Tom King right now feeling justified: "He's trying to write funny dialogue in a deadly serious situation! What a hack!" But it made me think, "Has this version of The Joker ever been done before?" Sure, the Joker's made readers uncomfortable by killing randomly. He's made people uncomfortable due to his unpredictability. And he's made people uncomfortable by trying to suck Batman's dick. But has he ever made people squirm because of the things he's saying in a way they shouldn't be said? And then I thought, "Am I the Joker?"

Example: the Non-Certified Spouse and I were watching season one of Project Runway Junior. When Victoria gets kicked out, she says, "It's been such a great experience being around kids that all share the same passion." And I said, "What? Masturbation?" At that point, the Non-Certified Spouse looked at me as if I'd just shit all over Batman's wedding.

I don't know. I guess I just can't defend my own premise. The Joker's actions are absurd. Batman's reaction and the way he lets the Joker lead him to defeat is absurd. Catwoman's blasé attitude to Bruce possibly being killed and then bleeding out with the Joker is absurd. Is this a retelling of The Sheriff of Babylon in microcosm? Is Batman Christopher? Is Catwoman Saffiya? Are they just caught up in an endless man-made natural disaster called Gotham?

At the end of the first half, The Joker tells Batman to head toward love because all else is chaos. But his whole point is to end Batman's love. Is it because the Joker's love is chaos? Is he, finally, admitting he doesn't love Batman at all? If that's the case, I might have to scrap my original premise that this story didn't need to be told. Because I've grown tired of the Joker as Batman's disgruntled and rebuffed boyfriend. The whole idea that the Joker loves Batman has become a parody of itself. I think the Lego Batman Movie finally put the fork in that one. You can't keep alluding to it if everybody begins stating it outright. But what if Tom King is saying, "No, wait. The Joker doesn't love Batman. The Joker actually does love murder and mayhem and chaos. The Joker loves those things. But what are those things without an audience? It becomes masturbation if there's nobody there to witness it. And so, in that way (and that way only), the Joker needs Batman. He needs a serious and grim and the opposite of absurd witness to the chaos." If that's what Tom King is saying (and I don't know for sure because I haven't asked him because every time I'm at a con where Tom King is signing, there's a picture of me warning security to keep me at least fifty feet away from his table (I mean, seriously, you tweet at a guy a non-insubstantial number of times that you'd like to suck his dick in appreciation of all the great stories he's told and you get blacklisted for it!)), you know what? Maybe this story did need to be told. But if he's not saying that, fuck him! Just kidding! I mean, seriously, if he's not into getting his dick sucked, he certainly won't be into full coitus! Maybe he's been hinting around that what he really wants offered is a hand job? Hmm.

Rating: If you'd read my introductory paragraph and thought, "Grunion Guy is really going to let Tom King have it by describing why this story shouldn't have been told," you're now finding out you were wrong. What you should have thought when you read my introductory paragraph was, "Grunion Guy really doesn't know how to write essays, does he?" Because I liked this story. It was awkward and uncomfortable and disgusting and all the things the Joker should be. But it still shouldn't have been told. Because I like my Joker crazy and violent and chaotic. This Joker knows way too precisely exactly how fucking creepy he's being. And if this version of the Joker sticks around, we're all fucked.

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Batman #13

Bane looks like he just popped a boner and he's worried Batman's going to feel it.

Since DC has been putting the name of the story arc at the top of each comic book, I should just leave the comics in the stack until I've got a full arc to read. It makes it so much easier to follow the action. And to remember what Catwoman said in her letter while reading Batman's letter instead of reading Batman's letter a month later and thinking, "Didn't I just read a Batman comic book with a letter in it? Was that this story?" Being old is like an adventure in a haunted wood! You can't remember which way you came or where you're going or if you pissed yourself. Also there are ghosts or something. I just realized I needed to make the 'haunted' part make sense.

Batman has finally entered Bane's water closet to confront him. All the pieces of Batman's plan are in place so it's time to set it in action and break Bane's back. Not that Batman necessarily needs to get that violent but he did tell Bane he would break Bane's back if Bane didn't give up Psycho Pirate. And I didn't watch eight seasons of Super Nanny without learning that you must enforce punishments.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller has taken this opportunity to sneak into the Batcave and steal a bunch of Batman's files. Batman mentioned this in the Justice League vs. Suicide Squad as part of his reasons why Amanda Waller is so terrible and corrupt. Surprisingly, Alfred doesn't shoot Amanda in the face with his shotgun. That seems like a mistake. She's more definitely more dangerous than The Joker.

I probably shouldn't be aroused right now.

Bane begins to beat the shit out of Batman while also psychoanalyzing Batman. Doesn't Batman get tired of people thinking they know him so deeply? The Joker. Hugo Strange. Bane. Alfred Pennyworth. It has to be tiresome. While Batman lets Bane beat him up, The Ventriloquist waits for his moment. Bronze Tiger shoots up with venom. Punch and Jewlee pretend to be incinerated in the Crematorium. And Catwoman masturbates furiously as she watches a naked Bane suplexes Batman. That could be me just projecting. Catwoman might just be watching casually.

Bane decides to help Batman relieve his suicidal thoughts by sharing his Xanax with him. His Xanax goes by the name Roger Hayden aka Psycho Pirate. I've decided to no longer care if it's Psycho-Pirate or Psycho Pirate. I'm just going to choose to go dash free.

So who is The Ventriloquist going to pretend to be when he finally starts talking? Since this is DC, it would make sense that he'd be Bane's Daddy. But since Bane's Daddy was like the evil cum of a million murdering psychopaths or something, he'll probably do Bane's Mother. I probably could have phrased that better.

But just before that happens (it must happen soon because these comic books are only twenty pages!), Bane has a tender moment with Batman. It's not the tender moment I was expecting that usually ends with somebody spitting into the sink and grabbing the mouthwash, but it's still a tender moment.

Which Batman totally kills! Jerko!

"I want to break your damn back" is apparently the code for everybody on Batman's Suicide Squad to get moving. It's not as efficient or alienating as "I will blow the fucking bomb in your head, you miserable pieces of shit!" but it works well in its own way. Bronze Tiger rips a grate from the floor (either for escape or for Punch and Jewlee to return). The Ventriloquist does some vocal exercises. Punch and Jewlee discuss having children (which is way tamer than what I thought they would be doing on their way to incineration). And Catwoman stands up and says, "Bat?" Oh yeah! That seems pretty vital to the plan. Good job, Selina!

Bronze Tiger fetches The Ventriloquist while Punch and Jewlee cover themselves in fireproof bubble gum and escape the prison via the incinerator outflow system. And then Batman gives Catwoman permission to break Bane's damn back. Which she totally does and Batman comes in his pants. Probably. No, not probably. Almost certainly.

And Wesker's role is finally revealed.

I really wish Batman had let him bring his doll.

I know The Ventriloquist has usually been portrayed as having some kind of dissociative personality disorder but he really fits being way out on the autism spectrum, right?

Before leaving through the hole in the wall Catwoman blows with the explosives in the handle of her whip where Punch and Jewlee wait for them in a bubble gum boat, Batman decides to make sure that Bane comes looking for him later.

Batman's just fucking taunting him now!

Batman rewards his Suicide Squad in not much the same way Amanda never rewards hers. The Ventriloquist will be sent to a place where he can get compassionate care. Punch and Jewlee will go back to Arkham but with a monthly fuck pass. And Catwoman gets a kiss. And maybe more. I think her reward comes next issue.

There's an epilogue where Bane cries out for Venom. So, you know, he's going to be a huge problem later. I hope he also calls out for his suit next because I've seen enough of Bane's ass.

The Ranking!
+1! I should apologize to the Suicide Squad for suggesting a few issues ago that Batman's Suicide Squad was better at getting its members killed than the real one. I just wanted to denigrate Amanda's Squad and remind people how nobody ever dies on it and it really doesn't deserve the Suicide moniker. I knew at the time Catwoman didn't really kill Punch and Jewlee! I know, I know! I sound like an Internet nerd backpedaling on things they've previously said. But I pointed out right from the start that Catwoman was, in no way, going to wind up being an actual murderer. Batman also doesn't think she is and he's the World's Greatest Detective. I will stake my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader reputation on it, just like I staked it on Harvest being a vampiric Red Robin returned from the 30th Century to do the Teen Titans right by starting NOWHERE. And you all know how that turned out! I was right about it, right? Pretty sure I was.

Batman #12

For some reason, this cover seems particularly apt tonight.

For people reading this in the future, I should probably explain that caption. For people reading it tonight, stop tittering over people deriving pleasure from being pissed on! Trump isn't that kind of pervert! He derived sexual pleasure from watching prostitutes pissing on a bed which somebody he hated slept in! That's a totally different and way more specific kind of fetish! Oh, so my explanation to the people reading this in the future where we've stopped pledging allegiance on the flag and instead piss into the mouth of an idol of our God Emperor: tonight was the night Trump Supporters finally began demanding that news be verified.

Last issue ended with Catwoman flying off the fucking handle and apparently going against Batman's plan to institute a plan of her own. One minor goal of Batman's plan was to possibly enable Catwoman to escape the death penalty. The main and only goal of Catwoman's plan is to make sure Catwoman escapes the death penalty and life imprisonment as well. So who can fault her with going out on her own limb? Plus she's a cat. Going out on dangerous limbs is something they tend to do. Tom King's Catwoman is way more cat-like than Ann Nocenti's Catwoman who, like, owned a cat or something.

This issue begins with a letter from Bruce to Selina. Or, more probably, from Alfred pretending to be Bruce to Selina. I can't stand how these comic books keep tricking me into reading letters! This is supposed to be a post-epistle modern age! Batman's letter begins by hinting at an intimacy that The New 52 tried to deny for five years. But we all knew it was there, just under the surface, bubbling with seminal and vaginal juices.

I want to say it's weird that seminal means relating to semen and also strongly influencing later developments but, I mean, that's what semen does. So it makes sense even if everybody titters whenever they hear the word used earnestly.

Before continuing this comic book, I should probably apologize to Trump supporters. It must be so hard for them to hear me bash Trump when they thought that I was a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer. Obviously their opinions on me have to completely change when I'm suddenly so biased by the lamestream media. As opposed to, you know, the other option. Which is that I'm still a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer and that maybe they've made a huge mistake. So, you know, sorry about that.

This is definitely written by Alfred. He still thinks of Bruce as being fourteen years old. Plus, Bruce probably would have written "would of laughed and laughed."

Batman describes his parents as stuffed shirts who only laughed at things like hobos slipping on banana peels and small business owners. They were keen on the ridiculous because they lived life surrounded by order and societal rules. I guess that's why they would have found Batman so funny. "Look at him, Darling! Thinking he can change things without power and money! He's so cute beating on the symptoms of the problems instead of tackling the actual problems themselves! He's almost as funny as that broken-necked hobo we saw last week!"

Who does Batman think he is? The Comedian?!

This story arc is completely disappointing me! I thought it was going to be all about Batman's Suicide Squad. Instead it's a Harlequin Romance told in letters! I guess that's my mistake for thinking the title, "I am Suicide," was about the Squad instead of love. Fool me once!

In his letter, Batman acknowledges how stupid and immature his life as the Batman is. He says he wants to laugh too but his laughter died all those years ago when Alfred didn't get him the therapy he needed and instead enabled him to pursue this ridiculous crime-fighting course of action. Unless this is Alfred writing the letter like I forgot that I was pretending to think. Then it also makes sense that Alfred just slipped into writing in his own voice when he says, "I want to laugh too. Do you know how much I want to laugh?"

Then the letter really starts getting mushy!

Meanwhile, the story underneath the letters, is just Batman beating up Bane's guards as he climbs to the top of the prison and then dives into the bay and then swims with sharks. I don't know where he's going! I guess this is all part of the plan! Maybe Wesker is going to start throwing his voice and pretending to be Bane. Then he'll tell all of Bane's guards to kill themselves and they'll all be, "Sure thing, boss!" Because henchmen are dumbies.

I should probably describe the mushy part of Batman's letter. He says that he and Catwoman share something between them which keeps them from laughing at the ridiculousness of their adult choices. Then Batman goes on to really seduce Catwoman by describing his suicide attempt at ten years old. It's pretty hot and sexy if you're into that kind of thing. I mean, I'm not! But I am into the part where he points out God is a dick so the world needs a Batman. I would say Batman confessed to being an atheist but being an atheist in the DC Universe isn't logical. There's too much evidence that there is a God. Batman's even been to heaven!

Also, Batman's suicide attempt? He admits that it's still an ongoing project.

See?! Catwoman's not a murderer! She's a fucking liar! And Batman is the World's Greatest Detective! And I'm the world's Grandmasteriest Comic Book Reader!

In the letter, Batman states he's going to set Catwoman free because he always finds the truth. He sees in Catwoman the same pain that drives him toward death and realizes she's eager enough to lie about 237 murders in exchange for death's embrace and an end to her pain. So instead of giving her that, he's going to force her to keep living with the pain because it's what he wants and what he needs! And Bruce Wayne always fucking gets what he wants!

For some reason, Batman was fighting his way to Bane's "throne" room when I thought he was hiding just behind a vent. I guess he was elsewhere when Catwoman went crazy and betrayed him. Probably setting up the real plan that relied on Catwoman going crazy and pretending to kill Punch and Jewlee. See, the other reason Punch and Jewlee were critical to Batman's Suicide Squad was that they're jesters and clowns and tricksters. Which means they're pretty good at legerdemain and making it look like blood spurts from their neck when Catwoman attacks them.

The main reason the reader can assume that the plan hasn't gone tits up is because The Ventriloquist has yet to be crucial to the plot. And yet Batman pointed out he's the most crucial bit. Bane has spent years underestimating Batman. You'd think he'd, just this once, realize that he's underestimated him yet again! I think Bane suffered some brain damage from all the years he spent on Venom. Or maybe all the years he spent having his head smashed into bricks by Batman.

The Ranking!
+1! This story about suicide is so romantic!

Batman #11

If you are a regular reader of this blog, I want to congratulate you for being a jenius.

Last issue was wasted. All it did was reprint an old letter from Selina Kyle to Bruce Wayne! I'd mention the story that appeared behind the letter but it was mostly just Batman repeating over and over again that he's going to break Bane's damn back if Bane doesn't do what Batman thinks Bane should do. How many times is Batman going to force me to say this: "Who the fuck do you think you are, Batman?!" Fucking spoiled brat thinks he deserves everything his way. I suppose when you get everything you've ever wanted as a child and your family is rich as fuck and you have a waiter assigned to personally take care of every one of your needs, you must think your parents being killed is the greatest disaster to ever happen to anybody ever in the entire history of the world. So now Batman thinks he deserves everything he wants even more than he did when he was just a spoiled rich little white privileged cunt. What a tosser!

Today I had lunch with my niece who just recently turned eight. Other people were there but since I'm apparently her best friend, my attention is attuned to her the entire time. At one point, she was showing me how her fingers were sticking together because she was eating her pancakes with her hands. Not that she was pointing out the cause and effect. I just did that as part of the story. She just thought it was fascinating as opposed to disgusting that her hands were covered in syrup. I held up my hand pretending that my fingers were stuck together as well and she exclaimed, "They are not! Your fingers are not unique!" I told her, "Oh yeah? One of my fingers is unique!" And she said, "Really? Show me!" And I laughed and laughed and laughed because I couldn't be the one to teach her how to flip somebody off.

That had nothing to do with Batman but it was at the forefront of my brain so there you have it.

Oh! I forgot that I began that first paragraph with the intention of saying how this issue is the one I was looking forward to! We finally get to see Batman's Suicide Squad in action! That's got to be more exciting than a sappy love note from Selina to Bruce. Especially since his team features Punch and Jewlee (I keep wanting to type "Jewelee" but, apparently, Rebirth Jewlee spells her name differently).

Although maybe I'm wrong because this issue begins with a flashback to when Batman caught Catwoman.

You could say, "Good job on killing all of those child murderers. I have one more that could use some killing. You may have heard of him?"

The narrative returns to the present so I can get some of that sweet Batman's Suicide Squad action. But first, a little more sexual tension full of bat boners and cat juices.

Being with a 237 times killer is probably a huge turn-on. I mean in the context of having killed child murderers! Also, having The Ventriloquist watch is probably a turn-off. Probably.

Apparently Wesker, the Ventriloquist, is the key to Batman's entire plan. Remember when ventriloquism was all the rage and everybody was using it in their gothic horror novels? Hmm, you probably don't remember the 18th century and I doubt you've ever read Wieland. But you probably remember how Superman used to solve about eighty percent of his problems with super-ventriloquism! I bet Tom King wrote this entire story thinking, "You know what hasn't been a key plot point in comic books in a long time? Ventriloquism! Get to work, brain! Don't distract brain, penis!"

Wieland also featured spontaneous combustion way before Dickens thought he was cool using it in Bleak House. Dickens was such a hipster dildo!

While Catwoman and Wesker sneak in under the prison and head toward Psycho Pirate's cell, Punch, Jewlee, and Bronze Tiger march right up to the front door. Bronze Tiger has the hardest job of them all: having to listen to Punch and Jewlee practically fuck each other in front of them with their cutesy banter.

Bane sends a guard to let them in for some reason. I guess Bronze Tiger applied for a visa to visit Santa Prisca.

Catwoman and the Ventriloquist have a little Breakfast Club moment as they crawl around under the prison headed to Cell Block D. Is this entire story just a rewrite of The Breakfast Club? Five strangers (Punch and Jewlee are technically one person) stuck in detention together facing off against a raging bull running the place with constant narrative shifts in power as the day progresses? Wesker is the nerd. Punch and Jewlee are the basketcase. Bronze Tiger is the athlete. Catwoman is the criminal. And Batman is the princess. It totally works.

Must Bane always conduct business from his toilet of skulls?

Catwoman decides to screw up Batman's plan (unless Batman's plan was for Catwoman to screw up his plan! But I don't think so because Batman allowed his penis to distract his brain). So instead of rescuing Psycho Pirate while Bronze Tiger distracts Bane, she drops into Bane's "throne" room to reveal the entirety of Batman's plan. Which, basically, amounts to Batman breaking Bane's back for revengesies. Oh, and also getting Psycho Pirate to help Gotham Girl. Although that's beginning to sound a bit like Bush's WMD excuse for invading Iraq which he just wanted to do anyway. You know, for revengesies!

Catwoman slices Punch and Jewlee's throats and steps on Bronze Tiger's face. If Punch and Jewlee really die (which, I can't see why they shouldn't, being the perfect kind of D-list villain fodder for Batman's Suicide Squad which the actual Suicide Squad never remembers to put on their team) it means Batman's Suicide Squad has been more aptly named than any of Amanda's since The New 52 began. Catwoman offers Bane knowledge on how to break the bat if he'll give her a plane and money and help her disappear. That could also be part of Batman's plan because he really wants her to be free. But I don't think killing Punch and Jewlee would be part of his plan. Even though Catwoman actually kills them, I'm fairly certain that planning somebody's murder is one of the few rules Batman would follow in his Here Are The Various Reasons Why That Person's Death Was Not On Me Rulebook.

The Ranking!
+1! Fine. Here's my confession: I actually like this more violent, desperate Catwoman. It's way more catlike than the whole steals but doesn't kill thing! Cats are fucking murdering monsters! It's part of the reason I love them so much.

Batman #10

Batman's Suicide Squad has a better team composition than all of Amanda's squads since The New 52 began.

Batman has decided that he wants something that Bane has. Batman doesn't ask Bane politely. He just tells Bane that he's come for Psycho Pirate and if Bane says anything other than "Oh really? Great! Here you go! Enjoy!", Batman is going to take Psycho Pirate anyway. How is that acting like a superhero? I know Batman needs Psycho Pirate for a good reason. But it's his good reason versus Bane's good reason for keeping Psycho Pirate. Does Batman care about why Bane needs Psycho Pirate? Of course not. Batman lives in a world where whatever Batman wants, the world can go fuck itself while Batman gets it. And today, to Bane's up and coming regret, Batman wants Psycho Pirate.

While Batman is flying to Santa Prisca with his Suicide Squad, he's also reading a letter from Catwoman. I don't think he's actually reading it while he's flying the plane into Santa Prisca. It's just a narrative device where Tom King has decided that the reader needs a little background information on Catwoman and why she murdered 237 people. Spoiler: she actually didn't. I don't know for sure that she didn't but, come on! Even if she admits to it in the letter, she's admitting it for her own selfish reasons! I will stake my left testicle on it because my left testicle is the one I don't use. Also, if she turns out to be a murderer, I was only kidding about the testicle. I use it all the time and I'm not giving it up.

On the second and third page, Selina admits in the letter to the murders. "Why I killed them," she says. "Why I killed so many of them." But remember what I said! She's lying! She has to be lying or else Batman will never put his penis in her vagina and butthole and mouth ever again. And that is not a DC Universe that I want to read about.

I did Batman gather together a Suicide Squad if he's going to battle Bane's entire army all by himself?! He must be the distraction. Or he just needs to be on the inside when his plan goes into action.

As you can see from Selina's letter, she knows Batman's identity. So at least Rebirth got that much right! Plus having the reader believe Selina has murdered so many people helps them forget that she was written by Ann Nocenti. Then when they discover she didn't kill anybody, they'll be relieved and it will just seem like Batman and Catwoman are right back to their relationship they're expected to have.

Batman is captured and brought before Bane where he fractures the Bat's back. He would have broken it but he's not on Venom anymore. Also, he may have just realigned it. It's hard to tell from the visual. But I don't think realigning makes that loud of a KKKRAAAKKK. Bane then drags him to a hole in the floor and tosses him in. This is probably where the plan begins!

Selina's letter explains that the orphanage in which she grew up was bombed by a Khandaqi terrorist organization called the Dogs of War. She explains that they had 237 members and that now they had none. So apparently she killed all of those terrorists because they were child murderers. Okay fine. Who cares if she killed all of those people then? Not me! And I bet not Batman either! He might not kill but he has a way of turning his back on the right people being killed by the other right people!

Down in the cell, Batman realigns his back because it wasn't fractured, just severely dislocated. He escapes the pit and heads off to let Catwoman and the Ventriloquist into Bane's Prison Fortress. The entire while, he's reading that letter. Or remembering it. Or it's just that damned narrative trick to get the reader inside of Catwoman's head and to understand that Batman and Catwoman have shared romance and probably more. But it also expresses Selina's reasons for why it never works, not for long. But she hopes she's wrong.

I don't know if she can be wrong if she murdered 237 people! Even if they're terrorists! I mean, Batman would still probably have a relationship with her if she promised to never slit another throat. And I'm sure she could promise that. But can Batman promise to never make her feel badly for having murdered 237 people before he met her? A lot of guys couldn't handle that! I mean, 237?! Christ! I've barely murdered four!

The Ranking!
+1! I like that Catwoman's past is told through an epistle. It ties this story to her Valentine stories which, although not quite as Catwomany as I would have liked, were still the best Catwoman stories of The New 52. I'm also glad for the hints at a past romance between Batman and Catwoman, intimate enough that Catwoman already knows that Batman is Bruce Wayne. That's something that was missing from their relationship in The New 52. Batman not telling Selina his identity while he knows hers makes for a imbalance of power and trust that destroys any belief that they're truly intimate with each other. Fuck the 237 murders as long as I can have these two back to playing at whatever they're always playing at!

Also, I'm sure she's lying about murdering those people! It's not like any of those murders have appeared on panel yet, right?! She probably knows who did the murdering but Batman thought it was her and she loves him too much to tell him he's not quite the World's Greatest Detective.

Batman #9

Batman falls for Bane's Skull and Marshmallow Fluff Trap. No wait! I should have made a toilet of skulls joke! Dammit!

Remember when Lex Luthor became president? Just sayin'!

That previous sentence wasn't about this comic book! I just wanted to be clear because I'm sure some people read it and thought, "That's Bane on the cover, dumb-dumb! Not Lex Luthor!" I even mentioned Bane in the caption but the imaginary people I imagined didn't read the caption that closely which is why they were probably confused. I should probably stop imagining imaginary people since the ones I imagine are always so unbelievable. Mostly because over half of them had huge cocks.

Hey! Are we all glad the Monster Men story is over? I'm talking to the adults here! I know you youngsters love a good monster story, especially if it contains a few scenes of Spoiler pining over her dead beau and a few panels of Nightwing's tight and probably puckered asshole. I bet he doesn't even have any hair down there. Which probably means no dingleberries unless he's using really cheap toilet paper that manages to split and ball up just from the texture of the sphincter! Anyway, the adults are probably glad that they aren't reading a stupid monster story that didn't have any references to Shakespeare at all. At least I don't think it did. I don't remember any Kaiju in any of Shakespeare's plays. Although I never read Richard III, so I can't be completely positive there weren't any. Also, the Monster Men story might have been a rewriting of that one play where that one guy with the tiny dick didn't like the other guy with the big dick and so he psychoanalyzed him to death. Was that the plot of Titus Andronicus?

Anyway! Now is the time for the story we have all been waiting on pins and eggshells for: Batman joins the Suicide Squad! Oh man! My dick would be so hard right now if that had been a sexual statement! Instead, I'm just really excited to read this story!

"The only thing that can quiet the screams now is...a blumpkin!"

Bane has traded Hugo Strange a bag of monster creating beans for Psycho Pirate. Although isn't it Poison Ivy and Mongul who are doing the Jack and the Beanstalk story over in Trinity? Anyway, Bane decided Psycho Pirate could be his human Xanax prescription. Also probably Viagra. But Batman also wants that prescription for Gotham Girl! And I don't think Batman is the kind of guy who goes into a meeting with Bane with peaceful negotiations in mind. So poor, miserable, depressed Bane, who is only a product of his environment and nurturing (which were both awful and/or non-existent), is going to get his ass beat by a rich, privileged white man who had every expense at his disposal to soothe the pains of his youth.

I haven't even gotten to the Batman part and I think I'm already resenting him! Leave poor Bane alone!

Batman tells Alfred that he's going to join the Suicide Squad for a few issues and Alfred pretends to be surprised that Bruce is making an awful decision. Then Bruce lifts up the bust of Shakespeare to open the television entrance to the Batcave (I guess the clock entrance to the Batcave was cemented over. That revelation will be in All-Star Batman! I just know it!) so he can go get changed. Man! This story is already one times better than the Monster Men story because Shakespeare! I told you this was going to be an adult story!

Batman's first stop in his quest to save Gotham Girl is Arkham Asylum. He needs to visit Arnold Weskler, the original Ventriloquist. He's given up his buddy Scarface and become a model inmate in the asylum. Which is probably why Batman needs him for his Suicide Squad! Everybody needs a balding, pudgy, middle-aged man who used to pretend he was in the mob with his puppet to fill the most important role on the team! That role is a balding, pudgy, middle-aged man who used to pretend he was in the mob with his puppet who can die. The Suicide Squad always needs hit-eaters!

Weskler agrees to be on the team. I wonder whose ass he's going to put his hand up? What else is he good for?!

As Batman, Jeremiah, and Gordon walk to the next cell to recruit the next member of the team, they pass by cells containing Kite Man, Calendar Man, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and some guy named Mayo. I can't be bothered to remember the secret identities of all of Batman's foes! They also pass by a cell with a blonde woman who makes the Legion logo in the fog of her breath on the glass. So there's a Legionnaire lost in time inside Arkham? I guess that's where you stick people raving like lunatics that they've actually time traveled!

Another member of Batman's Suicide Squad is the clown girl who must be The Joker's Daughter since Harley Quinn is living in New York. Or on the real Suicide Squad. It's hard to tell sometimes! Another member is the spy and I guess that's Bronze Tiger! Not the stupid ass Bronze Tiger who appeared in Red Hood and the Outlaws and had the head of a real tiger! No! This is the good old fashioned Ben Turner from Ostrander's Squad! I keep wanting to call Ostrander's Suicide Squad the original Suicide Squad but then stop myself before nerds jump down my throat to correct me. But we all know Ostrander's Squad is the original modern Suicide Squad, right? He's in Arkham on vacation or something because Batman is glad to see him and he's happy to see Batman. Blumpkins all around!

Apparently the clown girl isn't The Joker's Daughter and I'm more relieved than you know! Unless you've read every single commentary I've written featuring The Joker's Daughter. Then you were probably thinking, "Oh boy! Tess sure is going to be relieved when he finds out he's wrong about The Joker's Daughter!" And I would then respond, "I wasn't wrong, jerk! I'm never wrong! I was just thinking out loud!" No, the clown girl is Jewlee! Of Punch and Jewlee fame! I've been hoping that they'd wind up on the Suicide Squad again! I'm so happy that Batman is recruiting them. He's way better at this than Amanda Waller! So far, two out of his three picks don't have popularity immunity to death!

And Punch as well! Another member who might die!

Punch drugged Gordon and took his place hoping to get his hands all over and up inside Jewlee. But Batman figured it out because he's a genius! And he needs Punch because Punch escaped from Santa Prisca prison to get back to Jewlee. So Punch can get them back in!

That leaves one more member of Batman's team! A member so dangerous that Jeremiah Arkham is shitting all over himself in an attempt to convince Batman that letting this inmate out would be a bureaucratic nightmare! Also possibly a bloodbath in Gotham if this inmate gets away from Batman's side. It's The Joker, right? It's got to be The Joker! I can't see how it's going to be anybody else! It has to be The Joker! I mean, it could be somebody like Amygdala or Sumo because they're big, muscular idiots who could help take on Bane. But everybody is being so mysterious, it has to be somebody way more shocking than those jerkos! Like the Joker! See how Joker is an anagram for Jerko! It's a sign!

What?! This doesn't even make sense! Those Watchmen really screwed up this timeline!

After thinking about it for three seconds longer than it took me to write the above caption, which would I rather have? A Selina Kyle who has killed 237 people or a Selina Kyle who had been written by Ann Nocenti for a number of years? I mean, let's face it. The one who's into murder is way less tainted.

The Ranking!
+1! Let's face it: Selina Kyle hasn't killed anybody. This is just one of those "Let's Shock the Shit Out of the Bat-Cat Shippers!" moments. Seriously, Batman could never justify fucking a murderer, especially one of that magnitude! I mean, he can justify fucking her once and then pretending that he didn't know she was a murderer! But Bruce and Selina have one of those relationships that DC will never totally abandon. I mean, they might have for a few years where they seemed to be suffering from a stroke because what else explains giving Ann Nocenti full control of Catwoman?! But this is Rebirth! Rebirth is all about giving shippers what they want! It's right there in the title: Rebirgiveshipperswhattheywantth! See? You probably didn't notice but now that I told you, you'll never not see it again! Anyway, Batman probably barely even needs her to help break into Santa Prisca prison! This is just a good excuse to get her out of Arkham where she doesn't belong because Batman knows she didn't murder all of those people. It was probably just Cat Tuberculosis or something! And once she's out of Arkham and the mission is over, Batman will be all, "Whoops! She got away! Darn it! Poo! I'm so disappointed with myself! No that isn't a boner in my pants and I'm sorry but I really have to go meet somebody on a rooftop now!"

Batman Rebirth #1

The Review!
I don't actually know if I like this book because I haven't read it yet. I really hope to like it. I go into everything with the expectation that I will enjoy it. Okay, not everything but then I don't count comic books I don't enjoy simply because I read all of DC's books, good or bad. So some of those I know I will hate. Although I do often pick up the newest Scott Lobdell book and think, "This is it! This is the one where Lobdell finally brings some passion to the characters! This is the one that will drive me to apologize to him for all of the nasty comics fueled by hours of reading his inane drivel!" Usually if I know I don't like something, I simply avoid it. I have no need to attack things I don't like simply because they're there. You know, like gun lovers who follow gun control tags on Tumblr. What fucking Douchéstorks those twerps are. Real lack of self-esteem jerkbros! Anyway, I feel like the majority of people who feel the need to express their opinions have replaced critical thinking with simply hating on shit. They think that deconstructing a work means pointing out why it's gross and problematic. I always felt one of the best times to deconstruct something was when it seemed inexplicable or terrible. That's when you pull out your Deconstruction Toolbox and get to work asking the question, "How can I find the silver lining in this?" Too often people just conclude something is trash because they initially didn't like or understand it. Or, and the internet has made this a widespread phenomenon, people simply react to a thing based on the reviews and word of mouth they've heard and/or read about that thing. No matter how entertaining it is when I tear out the asshole of a shitty comic book, just know that I'd much rather be enjoying the book. Also try and notice that I'm not above acting like something I'm thoroughly enjoying is garbage, if I think what I'm writing is funny. What I'm trying to say is my reviews should not be depended upon and are barely reviews anyway. Take this first paragraph as an example. It has nothing to do with Batman Rebirth #1! And my next paragraph isn't going to get us any closer to beginning the book either!

The Commentary!
It's that time of year here in Portland, Oregon, where I can once again enjoy reading comic books outside! I practically have to because I live on the top floor unit of an older house and the attic has no ventilation system. So it fills up with hot air so that the entire place is sweltering well into the wee hours. I often lie on the couch sweating profusely pretending that I have the flu so that something makes sense. The owner and property manager have ignored all of my yearly requests for a ventilation system in the attic. One day, I will burn those motherfuckers.

Tom King is the new writer on Batman and I'm pretty fucking excited about it. Not only because The Omega Men was my favorite DC Comics book from the last year (which reminds me! I still have to read the last issue! But first, I must read the Afterbirth books!) but because Tom King doesn't clutter up his comic books with fucking Narration Boxes! He lets the art tell the part of the story that the art is there to tell! Some people enjoy Narration Boxes but I think they're crutches for idiots who need everything spelled out explicitly. "Not knowing what Batman is thinking is too ambiguous for me! Tell me exactly why he's doing that thing he's doing! Don't make me interpret the story with my own mind! The universe has meaning!" Bah!

The issue begins with Alfred out picking avocados when Duke Thomas stops by to inquire about the Robin opening.

That's Alfred's serial killer hand! This is symbolic! It's picking the forbidden fruit! I think it's mostly forbidden because do avocados grow on the upper East Coast?

It's spring and Batman is battling Calendar Man because the issue is going to go through the seasons. That's also symbolic! Calendar Man isn't the generic guy obsessed with the calendar like he usually is. Is he usually like that? What the fuck is his gimmick anyway?! He always knows when the armored car visits the bank? He never misses a television show he loves? He never has to look stupid asking somebody, "What day is this?" According to Who's Who, he picked the calendar theme because his name is Julian Day. I mean, not really, but that's what I got out of it. Anyway, I think maybe Calendar Man is still the generic guy obsessed with the calendar. I don't know what I was thinking. How different could his gimmick get?!

Later it's summer! The perfect time of year to do one-handed pull-ups hanging from a helicopter pad hundreds of feet in the sky! I wonder if Superman is ever jealous that Batman's alter ego is a sexy motherfucker constantly getting laid while he chose a clumsy journalist who seems to be a closeted homosexual with a thing for Superman, judging by his op-eds.

Did I forget to mention Bruce is in tiny, tight-fitting shorts?

Lucius has managed to recover Wayne Enterprises from the government which seems like a good time for Bruce to almost realize he's a character in a seventy year old comic book whose stories get repeated every generation (with a modern update) for a new audience. I'm forty-four years old so I can barely watch most television sitcoms or movie comedies now because they inevitably draw from old jokes that I've heard many times before. But I guess they're not for me. They're for the younger people who have yet to hear all of this same old shit. But that's why I adore great writers who don't draw from the easy well of recycled material. Give me a new take on something and I'll suck your dick any time you come to Portland for a convention! Figuratively, of course! I meant it figuratively!

Probably.

Come fall, Calendar Man has his winter face on. See?! I knew he wasn't the same old gimmicky moron! I was like, "This is a modern comic book! No way can anybody get away with a Calendar Man who simply changes costume based on the season! Or commits crimes based on the days of the week (however that works)! This is a cosmic Calendar Man! A mystic Calendar Man! A Calendar Man that is in inextricably linked to the seasons!" According to Bruce, Calendar Man is speeding up the seasons. Um, what? Does that mean he's sped up Earth's orbit around the sun? Because that's the only way that's going to happen! I won't accept any other comic book reason for how it was Spring on Monday and Fall on Wednesday! That's just...well, it is a comic book. I suppose I can accept whatever it tells me. I mean, the cover has a guy in a bat mask, for Christ's sake.

Batman has a new suit for Duke Thomas. It's bright yellow so I'm guessing he wants Duke Thomas to patrol the city with him as a bullet magnet. Duke is all, "Cool!" Dum-dum!

Duke's first job as Batman's new Yellow Canary partner is to count to two hundred and forty. I hope he can do it!

Not only does he do it, he counts one hundred numbers over his target! Whoa!

Batman destroys Calendar Man's Super Season Machine while holding his breath for six minutes in freezing cold water. Calendar Man changing seasons without changing the Earth's orbital speed around the sun? No way do I buy it. Batman doing the impossible? Totally buy it! Batman rocks!

Calendar Man molts every winter and returns better than before. Duke asks how he and Batman can keep up with that kind of advantage! Batman doesn't say, "Look. He's fucking Calendar Man. He started as such a super shitty villain that he's going to have to Rebirth millions of times before he can even hold a candle to the Jeezlycrow Batman!"

The issue ends with Alfred discarding the forbidden fruit into the Bathole. See! I knew it was symbolic! The fruit is rotten because Calendar Man forced the change in seasons and the tree didn't have time to make a proper avocado! Much like the editors at DC forced things too quickly with The New 52 and had to eventually throw it all away! Maybe!

This issue isn't subtle with its meta-textual commentary on Rebirth and comic book companies' penchant for rebooting. Endless cycles repeating, characters being reborn and updating to be a better fit with the times, seasons passing in days because only twelve comic books come out in a year! Maybe that last one doesn't have anything to do with rebooting. That's just the weirdness of time in comic books. But it still manages to comment on time and continuity within comic books. Continuity is impossible to keep straight when you have six month story arcs where only a few days pass in one comic book while another comic book has three stories in the same time with many months passing. Time in comic books is fucked and if you're so die-hard that you have to make it all work, you're eating rotten avocados. Just let it go, man. Let it fucking go.

Batman Eternal #51

Has the Cluemaster been using his code at all during this series? You know the code! The one Dick mentions in the best September Futures End book, Futures End: Grayson #1?

If Batman is the World's Greatest Detective, how come he couldn't figure out Cluemaster was behind it all? I have my theories, being a Junior World's Greatest Detective thanks to my Trixie Belden World's Greatest Detective Home Study Course. My first theory is that Batman doesn't take Cluemaster seriously and so never considered him. My second theory is aliens. My third theory is that Project Cloverleaf is a real government project whose goal is to get homeless people and AM Radio Talk Show Enthusiasts to believe in chemtrails so that they stop paying any attention to anything else that's really happening. My fourth theory is that the person behind it all has yet to be revealed and Batman knows exactly who it is (hint: Earth-3 Superwoman's infant. Or Lincoln March. Or The Outsider. Or Red Skull. Or Owlman (non-Lincoln March version)) but he figured he needed to fall for Cluemaster's trap to lure the real bad guy out into the open. Batman is involved in one of those Harvest plans where he fails completely but it was all part of the plan to ultimately save the day!

Just suck his dick already.

Arthur Brown, you really are a small time criminal idiot. You're not supposed to want Batman's attention! He's not the father who abandoned you! You don't need his love to prove your worth! He's a guy trying to stop criminals from stealing shit and hurting people. You're a guy trying to steal shit and hurt people. You're supposed to avoid his notice, you fuckdummy! This is why I told you to suck his dick already. People think The Joker is in love with The Batman because everything he does has to involve The Batman. But do you think The Penguin wants Batman's balls in his mouth? Fuck no! He'd rather Batman left him alone completely! If your entire plan was to kill Batman so that he doesn't interfere with your crime sprees anymore then just fucking kill him already. But forcing him to acknowledge your existence? That's fucking pathetic. You're a joke, Cluedoucher.

Cluemaster unmasks Batman and is all, "Bruce Wayne! I knew I recognized those nipples and that curving, succulent bulge from somewhere. Now put your rich man dick in my mouth! Love me, Bruce Daddy! Love me!"

My dad left when I was two so I'm not sure if I'm portraying the love between a son and his father correctly. Do you suck dick immediately or is there a little ass play involved first?

Selina isn't really thinking about it. She has this weird idea that they can make more money by saving Gotham and keeping it safe then by pillaging it of anything valuable and razing it.

Back on the beacon, Cluemaster finally gets his chance to do one of those super villain monologues he's always been denied. He says so many words that he must be using the Codemaster Clue! Let's see..."Wtyk toouwdmtal wholuapnawt. Ironiiwtnooojbs Tbcbotc Imajomo." Hmm. Is that Tamil?

Cluemaster mentions how he once read this comic book called Knightfall and got the great idea to create lots of chaos so that he could pull some cool heists while Batman was involved with lots of other chaos. Then at the end of it all when Batman was too tired to defend himself, Cluemaster would break him! But his story goes on so long that...SURPRISE!...Batman escapes from the chains!

Cluemaster probably has such a huge boner right now. This is always what happens to the A-Listers! He's made the big time!

Bruce had better hope that the bat symbol carved on his chest doesn't scar or else he'll never be able to take his shirt off in front of another woman! Although there was that night where those small time crooks wounded by Batman went around branding everybody with Bat symbols, so he can always pretend he was one of the victims that night. Or he can just assume that the kind of women Bruce Wayne dates will simply think it's cute that he has a scarification bat symbol on his chest.

While Batman and Cluemaster battle, some mysterious figure arrives downstairs and gasses the other Secret Society of Super-Villain members. I bet it's Alfred Pennyworth! Or The Joker! Or somebody in-between those two extremes! I think I covered all the bases there, right?

Although the scene before this that I didn't mention had Harper fighting for the city while Spoiler was apparently ditching it. So it's probably Spoiler. Especially since the one Secret Society guy that I don't recognize recognizes her. And since Cluemaster knows Bruce's identity, he kind of has to die now, doesn't he? And it's kind of appropriate that Spoiler finally chooses what side she's on by killing her dad. Bruce will be totally conflicted about that!

Or, you know, it could be whoever this guy is!

Batman Eternal #51 Rating: No change. I hope the final issue ends with Earth-3 Superwoman's baby floating up behind Owlman (Lincoln March version) and slitting his throat just like Owlan did to Cluemaster in this issue! I suppose that only makes sense if Geoff Johns writes Batman Eternal #52. Since this is mainly a Scott Snyder jam, I think we've reached the top of his Batman villain pyramid. And since these guys are brothers, I hope next issue is just twenty pages of one long hug.

Batman Eternal #50

And the evil jerk behind it all was an old man wearing a Jason Bard mask!

Being that this is issue #50, I'm hoping something important is revealed. Like maybe who is behind all of the recent invitations to trash Gotham City? I'm still hoping it's Crime Syndicate Superwoman's baby.

Last issue, Batman flew a jet plane into Bane's chest. But don't worry. Batman doesn't kill. He knew that flying thousands of pounds of metal full of fuel at a high speed directly into Bane's chest wouldn't even knock Bane out. Although did he know that no citizens would be standing nearby who might be hit by shrapnel? What about the fires started from the fuel exploding? How the fuck does Batman take into account all of this shit so that he can strut around declaring that he's never killed anybody?! Bane must have a concussion, at the very least. And that could lead to death! Fucking Batman is an asshole. Maybe that time Nocenti wrote him kicking Catwoman off of her motorcycle where she landed face first into the freeway going sixty miles per hour was a spot on characterization of Batman! I was completely wrong to criticize her.

After kicking Bane in the face for good measure because you can't have too many concussions at once, he informs Pennies-One and Two that he's going to end this bullshit. Does that mean he's finally figured out who's behind it all? It's Catwoman, right? She's just trying to get Bruce tired and confused so he'll finally fuck her out of the Batman suit.

But first Batman needs to get more of his frustrations out.

I'm sure The Scarecrow can survive being thrown off the top of a cathedral.

While Batman gives the Scarecrow the proverbial dose, Firebug or whatever flies around setting buildings on fire. And Rat-Catcher is sending rats all over the city. And Signalman is still fucking with the signals. It seems the Secret Society of Super-Villains have turned their sights on Batman for some reason. There must be secret ancient pirate treasure buried somewhere under the city.

Next on his list of Batkids to help is Bluebird. After crashing a jet into Bane and filling Crane full of heart attack inducing fear toxins, he electrocutes Mr. Freeze with some fallen power lines. Jesus Christ, Batman. What are you going to do to the Joker's Daughter when you help out Batgirl? Crack her skull open with a crowbar?

But first he has to save Red Robin's ass by freezing Clayface solid. That might be the least brutal thing he's done all night and it's still deadly! Although Clayface is a kind of impossible magical golem thing so freezing solid is probably no big deal.

Does Batman trust Batgirl the most or did he realize, like everybody except Amanda Waller, that Joker's Daughter is just a confused kid with no fucking fighting skills at all?

Alfred passes along an invite to Batman to strip naked and sit on the Batsignal to watch the city burn with the culprit behind this entire mess. Batman is flummoxed but apparently all the readers have guessed the twist because they're greater detectives than the World's Greatest Detective! If only I'd finished my Trixie Belden Home Detective Course, I might know who the vile jerk behind it all is as well! Maybe it's Sportsmaster? Or a Sportsmaster that loves to give out clues? Like some sort of a clues master?

I hope it's Superwoman's baby.

Batman reaches the Batsignal and falls into a trap where he's electrocuted. That's when the Evil Mister Smarty Pants reveals himself!

Suprise! It's the guy who drives the zamboni at the Gotham Blades Hockey Arena.

Batman Eternal #50 Rating: -2 Ranking. Somebody go back through all fifty issues of Batman Eternal using the knowledge you've gained from your Trixie Belden Home Detective Course and see if all the clues always led to Cluemaster! I don't buy it. This smacks of a cheat! It feels like the only clues given that Cluemaster was behind it all were all given in the helicopter last issue with Spoiler. Is that why Spoiler told Harper that Bruce Wayne was behind it all? Because she wasn't quite sure that she wanted to out her father yet? Is that why Spoiler used "literally" when she mentioned she wanted nothing to do with him?! That was the biggest clue of them all, I think!

I think sometime around Issue #34, Scott and James were eating cold Pop Tarts while watching porn together when one of them came and the other one said, "What if the person behind it all was the first person the comic book focused on?" Then one of them choked on a Pop Tart and said "Brilliant!" as the other one came. Or it could have all been planned from the beginning. It was always likely to be a shitty fucking villain that nobody would bother to guess because guessing that character would just be too boring. Now I wish it had been Sportsmaster!

Swamp Thing #40

The Swamp Thing to Alec Holland's right is Uncircumcised Swamp Thing. To his left, 90s Swamp Thing replete with dozens of chest pouches.

Good bye, Charles Soule's Swamp Thing! I will say my goodbyes by being completely bitter, hurt, and mean-spirited in today's commentary! Fuck you for leaving me, you asshole.

The issue begins with Alec Holland putting the past Avatars back in their places. The little snots still think they know better than Alec Holland even after being on time out for several months. And even if they do know better, just shut up! Nobody wants to be told that they're doing something wrong by a bunch of old failures. Let's say, hypothetically, that their experiences and the wisdom gained from those failures could help Alec to be successful against Anton Arcane. Do you still think the young upstart Alec Holland would still listen to him? Of course not! People often bring up that stupid saying about how nothing is certain except death and taxes. Fools. A lot of things are certain! Like you can be certain that youth will resent and ignore advice from experience and then proudly walk off of a cliff because they just had to learn it for themselves. Fine, maybe the lesson sticks better when you experience the failure yourself but wouldn't it have been nice not to have actually walked off of that cliff?

"And shut your fucking mouths because we're doing this my way even if that way is the same exact fucking way that got all of you killed! Fucking old pricks! It's my turn!"

What are Swamp Thing's teeth made out of? They can't be Alec's real teeth since Baby Alec still had his teeth which he used to eat Swamp Thing last issue.

Swamp Thing raises a volunteer army which will head up to the arctic to lay siege to The Machine's demesnes. The first volunteer is Jason Woodrue, The Seeder (previously known as The Floronic Man because comic books used to be stupid). Swamp Thing accepts him hoping that others will follow his lead but we all know (that includes Alec himself) that The Seeder is just using this as a chance to escape into the real world and become a future Swamp Thing supervillain.

At least ten ex-avatars (including The Seeder, mentioned so previously that I'd be amazed if you'd forgotten) join with Swamp Thing to risk their lives by leaving the Green. They meet Baby Alec Holland at the exit to the portal from the Green who tells them the big fight will take place in the Gobi Desert. She must want to battle there because plant heroes generally don't do very well in that climate. Just look at how Ranger Ruben tried to camouflage the Galactic Hero Corps from an ambush composed of all of their supervillains but he accidentally disguised them as Pacific Redwoods and nearly the entire team was killed. But from the ashes of that disaster, Grunion Guy was given a chance to save the world and writer novels! Mostly write novels! Unless the definition of novel does not extend to stories scribbled onto the back of an envelope.

Throughout the battle, a narration is taking place by Charles Soule or some other outside source. It's speaking directly of stories and the difficulty of ending them.

Some endings aren't as difficult as others.

I covered this whole difficulty of ending a story thing in Chapter 26 of my, so far, unfinished Goggles Novella. Proof that endings are difficult: I still have nine chapters left of the Goggles Novella. I know how it's going to play out, and eventually end, but I just need more uninterrupted free time so I can concentrate on getting it right. Not that most of the people reading this blog care since it has never really been about the comics and was just a story I decided to write during September because September has become DC Comics' throwaway month. Just as the year before I inserted a minor story into Villains Month where I was taken over by an alien entity for many of my commentaries. But I need to finish Goggles' story before the end of the year. I highly recommend it but then I wrote it for myself. I suppose if it doesn't have ties to any fandom, the number of people on Tumblr interested in it probably nears zero.

Swamp Things flees from the battle in the Gobi Desert to give the avatars that remained behind time to heal the Green. Of course as he flies away, he winds up crashing into a library in Philadelphia. That's practically right next to the Gobi, right? It's at this point that Swamp Thing decides to enter a book because its made from dead plants! Also, the library is like the anti-machine! He's going to defeat The Machine Kingdom with outdated modes of archiving!

By outdated, I don't mean that there's no need for them! Libraries and printed material should never be seen as obsolete. We should always be using a number of back-up methods to store knowledge or we're just asking to lose it. If only there had been a group of people memorizing the works held at the Library of Alexandria, we'd have saved the knowledge lost when the place burned. At least with books, the only device needed to access the data is a working pair of eyes. And just fingers if they're in Braille! When the massive solar flare hits and burns out all of electronics, we're going to lose a lot of shit that's currently just stored in servers or in the cloud. Luckily, most of it is useless, time wasting garbage.

Once in the book, Alec finds himself in a new kingdom. I guess it's the Kingdom of Art. Or Kingdom o' Fart as all the other kingdoms refer to it.

How about gifting him more issues, you jerk?

Swamp Thing returns to the battle where the tide turns in The Green's favor. The Seeder kills the avatar of fungus but dies as well. Etrigan joins the battle with an army of demons because he doesn't have anything better to do in the DC Universe at the moment (except defeat Morgaine over in Batwoman although I think that story has already happened since it's been flashback for three or four months). Anton Arcane flees because stories in comic books never actually end no matter what the Avatar of the Arts says. He'll be back because he's always back because comic books just keep going and going and going. And then all that remains on the battlefield are two lone warriors: Alec Holland and Lady Weeds. I mean, I guess Gaurov is there somewhere as well but he's not important anymore.

Swamp Thing defeats Lady Weeds easily and then hires the Justice League Cleaning Company to dismantle Rithm Headquarters in the Arctic. Superman is happy to see them go because property values were really plummeting since they moved into the neighborhood.

I hope A Calculus's personality survived.

Alec's story ends in the swamp hanging out with Abby and Gaurev while reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's 100 Years of Solitude. I wish I could remember anything about the book which I read about twenty years ago! I bet the themes interweave with Swamp Thing's themes! Then Swamp Thing looks at you and the comic book is over.

The thing I missed most during Charles Soule's run of Swamp Thing was the horror. Perhaps he was telling a horror story of a kind but it wasn't one that spoke to my fears. But that's the only complaint I have about his run on this title. I loved this character. Soule's Swamp Thing was likable and kind and thoughtful. The final page I scanned speaks to the generosity, confidence, and wisdom of Alec Holland at the end of his journey. He chooses not only to not destroy the Machine Kingdom but to give it autonomy and free will. He allows it to make its own decisions but knowing that there will be consequences if the Machines decide to act like Anton Arcane again. He's encouraging the Machine Kingdom to grow and to learn instead of forcing it in some kind of captivity or limbo where it would only learn hatred and bitterness. It's not often you see a character mature this much. He's gone from being a rock star to the plants to being a nurturing, peaceful caregiver. And hopefully Abby lost enough of her rot power that they can still fuck from time to time.

Swamp Thing #40 Rating: +3 Ranking. I don't know what the future will bring for Swamp Thing but for now, I'm content with his story. It was as satisfying as a San Diego Comicon selfie with a non-digital camera.

Me, Supergirl, and Upright

Swamp Thing #39

Is it weird that life and death want to fuck each other?

Is it weird that I think it's weird that life and death want to fuck each other? Maybe there's something wrong with me! I'd better consult Sex-O-Scope to determine what kinds of hang-ups I have about sex!

Oh boy! My turn-ons accurate to a tenth of a degree!

This Sex-O-Scope was programmed years before the internet but it's asking me questions that I can only answer by using the internet! I suppose I could have had some kind of almanac nearby back in the early eighties to tell me what number time zone the Pacific Time Zone is! Or the Latitude and Longitude of the city where I was born! But who the fuck knows those kinds of things off-hand? I suppose people who are into their aspects and which planets are rising in what zodiac! It probably doesn't matter anyway since it asks me to enter three different numbers for both latitude and longitude. I just split them up two numbers at a time. I hope that was right! I don't want to learn that my turn-ons are monkey butts and licorice ropes!

Okay! Now I've given it all the information it needs which seems like it's lacking something. How is it supposed to know my turn-ons and hang-ups with just my name, birth date, time zone, and birth location?! Oh well. Tell me what I want to fuck, Sex-O-Scope!

I'm so excited!

And the initial results:

I don't understand any of this! What does this have to do with orgasms?!

I hope some cuckoo astrology person can interpret this for me! Hopefully the next readout will have something more useful.

Nope! Just more incomprehensible gibberish!

The following readout is a list of planetary aspects that reads like truly terrible Sailor Moon pornographic fanfic.

"Venus is trine Mars"? Everybody sextiling? I think I have a boner?

After a few pages of more boring porn (which I successfully masturbated too though!), I finally reach a page that tells me things I want to learn about myself!

Hey ladies! Apparently I won't take no for an answer! Unless I won't say yes! Wait. What does that mean?

Why is this thing telling me to not get involved lightly with myself?! Hey! Is this thing to test out potential mates and not for insight into one's own sexual depravities?

If this program is to check compatibility with potential mates, how the fuck are you supposed to get all of that latitude and longitude information out of them?! Did people in the seventies used to run around with all of that information so they could compare astrological signs and ascending planets? Was "Hey baby, what's your sign?" often followed up with "And the latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates of your place of birth?"

Anyway, according to the Sex-O-Scope, I don't know very many sexual positions. It's true! I only know Reverse Cowbell, Sloppy Dishwashing, and Tangled in Seaweed. Oh wait! There's more exciting information with my sun in Libra!

I'm too good at ménage à troising! I didn't know you could be too good at that! I guess I'm too eager to stick it into any hole I see in the tangle of limbs and eager orifices!

Okay, Sex-O-Scope, now you're getting too cerebral for me.

Apparently I'm also "expansive" and "all-embracing." I didn't realize I was bisexual until now! I'm also "mellow and warm inside." Isn't everybody? But I'm also "over or underwhelming, runs to extremes in quantity, sexual direction. Must learn what is just right amount, stick to it." I wish Sex-O-Scope would tell me the right amount!

I also need "gentle but reassuring prodding to get it on." So I guess when I won't say "yes," you're supposed to keep leaning on me until I give in! That sounds like terrible advice!

Apparently Sex-O-Scope is going to give me a little information on all of the Sailor Scout fuck team-ups listed earlier, so I should probably leave it at that. Especially after Sex-O-Scope begins getting too personal and says I "can't make wishes known, have unrealistic desires, falls into bad scenes without realizing it" and that I'm "helpless!" With the exclamation point! Fuck you, Sex-O-Scope! If you really knew me, you just would have printed the word "MASTURBATER" in big, bold letters!

This Sex-O-Scope thing seems awfully general and generous about the information it's presenting! As if it expects most of the things it's saying to be off the mark but so vague that it doesn't seem like an outright misrepresentation of the person, and then it vomits out so much information that something is bound to sound correct so that the person reading it will say, "Holy shit! I'm totally a friendly, mellow lover, who grows richer with age!" I think this astrology stuff might be bogus!

Why did I waste so much of my time on it!? I don't care that I wasted your time on it. You could have just skipped past all of this bullshit until you saw the first scan of Swamp Thing! Which I'll add now so people not wanting to learn my hang-ups and turn-ons will know where to begin this commentary.

Here! Here is where the actual commentary begins! Stop scrolling!

Last issue, Anton Arcane found himself in the Green and made a desperate plea to The Rot to choose him as their avatar once again. The Rot decided that having Anton Arcane as an avatar has been such a bad idea so many times in their history that maybe this time it's bound to be a good idea! So Anton once again took up the mantle and then he began pissing and shitting all over The Green. Which is why Swamp Thing feels so sick now.

Alec Holland commences tossing his own salad while Lady Weeds watches and offers encouragement. It's even more disturbing because Alec keeps calling her "mama." Swamp Thing just says things like "Please don't put that in your mouth" and "You're using too much teeth."

If only Wolf were around to witness this!

Do I sue Charles Soule over the use of "Plant Man"? That's what my Crayola crayon coloring identity calls Swamp Thing!

A through Omega Calculus have been watching Lady Weeds and they don't like what they see. I mean, they like her butt and her sweet, "I'll cut your dick off while you sleep" smile. But they don't like her recent actions. The way she poisoned the green and had her baby toss Swamp Thing's salad just turn their equations inside out. To them, she's like trying to find the square root of a negative number. And she has to go. The Machine Kingdom simply wanted to organize the kingdoms so that they all ran on time. But Lady Weeds has ruined their plans by poisoning the Green.

Abby returns to find Swamp Thing with his pants around his ankles and his asshole full of saliva. He's also goopy and runny and smelly like a bag of spinach leaves left in the fridge for six weeks. Abby's lost most of her power due to the Parliament of the Rot's terrible decision to give the Avatar job back to Anton. But Swamp Thing has an idea that will fix everything! He knows a guy that always fixes everything!

Hmm. Are you sure that's the guy, Plant Man?

Meanwhile, Lady Weeds makes two plus two equal zero and murders the entire Parliament of Machines. Now when Lady Weeds is killed by Anton Arcane, the dumb machines are going to return to being led by a mouthy toaster.

Constantine helps Swamp Thing get his mojo back so that Swampy can make an assault on The Green. He's got to get it back from Anton and Missus Fungus before he turns into compost. Or mulch. One of those.

Swamp Thing confronts Anton Arcane in the barren wastes of what's left of the Green. But Swamp Thing still has some Green hidden away! It's the jail cell where he trapped the members of the Parliament of Trees and all of the previous avatars. He frees them all and instantly gets chastised by them. "Fucking idiot." "Worst. Avatar. Ever." "Embarrassment to the position!" "Carrot for brains!" Even Anton is shocked at how horrible they treat him.

Swamp Thing #39 Rating: No change. I was really sad to see A Calculus's program stopped by Lady Weeds hitting Control-C. I'm not sure I like her anymore. I didn't mind when she was killing background characters or trying to kill Swamp Thing or finishing off Wolf or getting horrible tattoos all over her silky skin or trying to take over the world. But I have my limits and when she killed cute, adorable little A Calculus, that was too much. I think I could have been good friends with A Calculus. Pros before psychos! "Pros" is short for "programs" here! And "psychos" is short for psychotics!