Batman #39

If that were my armrest, I'd never not have an erection.

Asses are pretty awesome, right? I feel like I should be more into breasts or vaginas or uterusses or ovaries since those are closely tied to femaleness for some reason and asses are just stuck right there on everybody no matter what. It's like if a bodyless ghost ass just started hovering around me going, "Ooooh! Oooooh! Touch me! Toooooouch me!" I'd be all, "Yeah! Okay!", and I'd touch the shit out of that ass. Um, I mean, I'd touch it a lot! Maybe later after I had my fill of ass touching (i.e., orgasmed), I might be all, "Oh hey? Are you a man ass or a lady ass? Please say lady ass!" Or maybe I probably shouldn't ask at all and just be content in the righteous ghost ass touching I engaged in. It's no different than having sex on a MUD! That's almost always with another male even if their character's sex box is marked female! As long as they're good at describing the sexual acts they're performing on my Monk/Thief/Barbarian, it's all sexy good funtimes!

The best MUDs are the ones where, upon encountering a monster, you have the options to fight, flee, or fuck it.

Stop distracting me with your butts, people! I'm going to read about Batman's butt now as it battles the Joker's butt.

Last issue, Batman headed underground to visit the Court of Owls. I had just assumed that they had disbanded and moved on to open strip mall tattoo parlors, pawn shops, and highway minigolf resorts. I guess a few of them decided to hang around their labyrinth and wait for Batman to die so they could once more reap the benefits of controlling Gotham.

We could learn a lot from the Court of Owls with their sense of history and place and their can-do attitude in the face of adversity. Or maybe just I can. I shouldn't assume you're all also ignorant, self-involved narcissists.

The Court of Owls are no help because Batman burned that bridge a few years ago. Does he think he can treat everyone like crap and they'll still rush to help him out of a sense of justice? Batman might be crazier than I thought. And I already thought his superpower was being crazy.

I think Batman knew deep down that the Court of Owls would not only refuse to help him but also sick their new Talon on him. This Talon is Death Talon the Reaper. It's possible Batman only came down here to get out some of his aggression on something he knows he can't kill so he can do whatever violence he wants to it. It's also possible he simply came down to get a sample of the Talon's blood to help figure out what The Joker has in his blood. The Court of Owls confirmed using a version of the Dionesium on the electrum inside the teeth of the Talons. Batman probably already detectived that and just came down for confirmation before wasting his time hacking up a Talon. Now that he knows it's true, he'll probably rip out the pancreas of this talon and take it back to the Batcomputer for testing.

Or he just came down for a different kind of confirmation.

As Batman emerges from the sewers having found out whatever he found out from Uriah Boone (probably lies! All lies! Although I secretly hope The Joker really is the Pennywise of Gotham), The Joker surfaces inside the Batcave. He was swimming into the cave like I suspected! And even better, Alfred blasts him with a shotgun like I hoped would happen! The only problem is that Alfred pulls the trigger from too far away, so The Joker's head doesn't explode all over the walls.

Well that went worse than I imagined it could have.

Maybe this is why Batman and Robin has been cancelled! Batman doesn't know how to properly raise Damian. He can't do it without Alfred's help! So if Alfred is killed, Batman will just throw in the towel and tell Damian he can do whatever he wants because Batman is just tired of raising kids. The youngest siblings always have the longest leashes.

Snyder wouldn't kill Alfred, would he? I mean, that's just fucked up. Sure, Penny-Two is efficient enough to handle the dispatch side of things but does she know how to make a good cup of tea?!

Hmm, I suppose she does since she's British. Never mind! Everything will continue as normal even with Alfred dead! Nobody will miss him since he's so easily replaced by his daughter.

I wonder if Damian will try to take Alfred to Apokolips to bring him back to life? I hope The Joker doesn't kill Batcow too!

Alfred manages to crawl into the armory and Penny-Two remotely locks him in so he doesn't get his ass killed by his innate stubbornness. Or by The Joker. Mostly The Joker. So Batman learns Alfred is stable because he probably had some proper coagulation tea on hand. They can't figure out why The Joker broke into The Batcave but I think Batman owes all the Batkids another huge apology for putting all of their lives in danger by revealing his identity to The Joker so long ago.

Anyway, The Joker decides it's time to throw a parade!

He must have dressed up some henchman in Jason Todd's Robin outfit as well, right?

Batman believes that The Joker is taunting him with wordplay to come get the Dionesium out of his spine which completely proves that Batman is fucking hallucinating. "He's taunting me! Why is he always taunting me?! Me, me, me!" Oh wait. The only thing that's ever on The Joker's mind is "Batman, Batman, Batman." Never mind. I'm sure Batman isn't hallucinating.

He's not hallucinating. He's just gone fucking nuts. Nutsier! Most nutsiest!

Batman gives a rousing halftime speech to his enemies about how Gotham is all of theirs and they need to protect it. What bullshit! Batman has never been willing to share Gotham ever! If any of these villains help Batman defeat The Joker (and I imagine they'll all take part in the battle), it'll be for reasons of their own. Poison Ivy probably wants to gut The Joker for breaking her bestie's heart. The Penguin knows how much money he'll lose if Gotham burns. Killer Croc will do it to protect his underground family. Mister Freeze probably wants some of that Dionesium for himself. Bane can't stand to see somebody besides himself or The Bat ruling Gotham. And Clayface is part of Batwoman's superhero team now! So of course they're all going to help! Besides, The Joker has gotten way to big for his clown pants and needs a serious dousing of seltzer.

Of course The Joker is happy to see everybody join the battle because that was probably his super duper farsighted super villain plan that super villains are constantly capable of pulling off in the face of the universe's random chaos. That's okay though! The Joker is allowed to be this cunning and devious because he has motivation whereas some asshole like Harvest just makes perfect plans because he's written by a lazy writer.

The backup Joker story ends this issue so that the conclusion of Endgame can fill the entire book next month. The conclusion of the backup story is that The Joker's past doesn't matter and nobody will ever know where he definitely came from. Unless we already do know. But then how do we know which version we've heard is true? In which case, as I said, it doesn't matter. The Joker is a monster because he represents the unknown and the randomness of the universe. He represents our own inability to ultimately control our own destinies. He is the bus we didn't see while speaking on our cell phones. He is the innocent bystander killed by a bullet from a shoot out five blocks away. He is the bump in the carpet at the top of the stairs, the tired driver on a two lane highway, the blood clot clinging precariously from the side of an artery. He is the reminder that death will come and none of us will ever truly be ready when it does.

Batman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. Alfred has really taken a beating in The New 52. I might have to judge Scott Snyder harshly for the way he treats one of DC's best characters. What's next, Scott? Hacking him up and shoving him in the fridge? Dick. Other than that, I'm enjoying this story. The only issue I have is that The Joker has really become a mythic villain that can do pretty much anything he wants. He was always dangerous in his violence and madness but now he's nearly a supernatural entity! Batman needs to seriously think about building a Joker-sized oubliette in the Batcave and just throwing him in it to rot. The Dionesium makes him immortal now, right? So just build it deep and then park the Batmobile over it. He can be just another trophy for Bruce.