World's End #26

I forgot to buy my cake topped with Oreos to eat in celebration when I finish this issue.

Last issue, Queen Lantern was the last superhero on Earth-2 still standing. He came flying in with the background music rising and going, "Scott! He saved every one of us!" Then Brian Blessed with wings flew by and was, "Who wants to live forever?!" And a bunch of people raised their hands before meekly putting them back down when they realized it was a rhetorical question being used as a battle cry to rally the troops. Then some more laser sounds went "Pyew pyew pyew!" And then, according to this cover, I guess Darkseid defeated Alan Scott and everybody went, "Awww." And then they died.

I should stop making up my own ending and read the one I paid for.

Alan Scott comes flying in and sucker punches Darkseid. He now has the power of all The Green from all existing universes so he expects his punch to smash clean through Darkseid. Instead it just bounces off and Darkseid is all, "OMEGA BEAMS BITCH!" But then Darkseid turns his back on Alan Scott because he's overconfident. So he misses it when Alan Scott heals the rest of the heroes and then dies. Or doesn't die. He does have Solomon Grumpy inside him now. So maybe it's time for Solomon Grumpy to be the hero! Although it will probably be Sam whispering that he loves and believes in Alan that will get Alan moving again.

I guess the Mister Misters are up in space just cooling their heels waiting for the survivors' ships to arrive. They're going to be waiting for a long time because apparently all of the ships crashed. Now Val-el has to go save as many survivors as he can while Power Girl and Tornado Lane distract Darkseid by headbutting his fists a whole bunch of times.

I hope we get a few pages of Dick looking for his son soon!

At this point, I just feel embarrassed for the Earth-2 heroes whenever they claim that they'll defeat Darkseid or stop Apokolips.

I guess headbutting his fists wasn't the best plan. Weird how I knew they'd try it though. Poor, predictable fools of Earth-2.

Kalibak and the Reapers and the Protofuries and the Parademons and the Hunger Dogs and the Female Furies and the War Hounds and whatever other monsters of Apokolips I've forgotten begin killing any survivors of the crashed fleets they can find. The escape plan has become a total clustefuck which is why the worst character in The New 52 has come to watch. That character's name is Oracle and fuck him. Why do writers keep acknowledging his existence?! Having a character that flies around watching worlds die while it neither acts nor speaks is exactly the same as having no character at all.

Sam does appear to Alan but for the exact opposite reason I thought he would. He tells Alan to just die already because he's lost and it's all over. What a jerk!

I bet Alan also forgets that he's gay!

Alan Scott turns into the Earth-2 version of the White Lantern. Although is he really even Alan Scott anymore? I guess he died and went to heaven with Sam. Or wherever homosexuals go where they die. Wherever it is, you know it's better than the Christian heaven. I hope they allow dead heterosexuals in.

All of the normal humans are now getting slaughtered and it's hilarious. The heroes of Earth-2 are the worst! I can't take any of them seriously when I see them falling at the hands of Kalibak who was defeated on Earth-Main-Earth by a cow turd. The people and heroes of Earth-2 are worse than a cow pie!

But wait! The new and improved and probably like 95% less gay Green Lantern has arrived with some words of wisdom!

I have no idea what this means.

Green Lantern says some other stuff that I don't really understand and then punches Darkseid with infinite earths. That's a pretty good killing blow! Although it's still no Batcow manure.

Speaking of cowshit, let's see how well this batch fares against Kalibak.

I just wish they'd get to their final destination already! I don't mean death. I mean their new Earth home in a new universe.

Dick Grayson makes an appearance but he isn't searching for his son. Instead he's using a comically huge wrench to fix a gun so that Replacement Batman can shoot one last useless round at something. Probably Kalibak.

Green Lantern begins transporting the survivors to...somewhere. I guess he's floating them up to the Mister Misters ship. Maybe Replacement Batman's last round will be used to blast Darkseid in the head to give Green Lantern enough time to save the last of the Twofers. Then maybe Replacement Batman will get hit by Darkseid's Omega Beams and travel back in time where he won't be able to find any Venom and die from the shock of withdrawal.

And then it all starts ramping up to the finale with quick single panel scenes of all the various characters we've come to know and despise!

Don't worry! He's not punching him! This is just a really aggressive hug!

Find Tommy? I mean Johnny?

Christ! Enough about your mom, Garrick. An outside observer might come to the conclusion that you've been fucking her.

Oh yeah!

Fuck you!

In the final moments, a mysterious red head shows up during the battle! Has she been looking for her son all of this time too? She, along with everybody else that didn't make it to the Mister Misters' ship in Green Lantern Bubbles, is blasted by one last Omega Beam from Darkseid. And that's it. The Earth is covered by Apokolips and the Mister Misters and the surviving Twofers escape on their Multiversal ship. It's a bit confusing since Earth-2 isn't technically dead. It's just been captured within an Apokoliptian shell. Green Lantern and Replacement Batman and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Notwing and Barbara Gordon and Val-el have been left behind. Apparently this story continues in Convergence #1. Which is almost the next comic I'm going to read! You know, right after Convergence #0. And maybe the Blue Devil Summer Fun Annual!

Oh, and Jay Garrick's mom survived because The Flash chose to abandon her. Or something.

World's End #26 Rating: No change. This issue was extra long so it could tie everything up but it still didn't have enough pages to tell the story in a way that wasn't constantly confusing. Plus it didn't even tie up all the loose plots! I have to continue to read this story in Convergence #1! On the positive side, that issue has different writers so the story will probably go in a totally new direction. On the negative side, one of those writers is Scott Lobdell!

And with the end of this issue, DC leaves The New 52 behind. Sure, there's still issue #40 of Superman and Batman left to appear on the new comic book racks whenever DC gets its act together. But for the most part, The New 52 label is gone. The universe is still hanging around though. It'll be interesting to see how Convergence changes up that universe though. Hopefully getting out of New York and into sunny yet smoggy Los Angeles will lighten the mood at DC Comics! They'll get more Vitamin D from the sun and more Vitamin C from the oranges and more Vitamin Mickey Mouse from Disneyland. That will cause the editors to become more upbeat, whimsical, and carefree! They'll stop trying to squeeze the happiness out of every hero. It's possible some of DC's heroes will even begin to enjoy bringing justice to evil jerks!

I just realized! Was World's End and Futures End all just a metaphor for DC Comics' move to the West Coast?!

World's End #25

I guess poor Jay Gimmick lost the seat next to his mom on the escape ship. Enh, the gigantic moray eel probably deserved it more.

I just looked at the list of comics coming out tomorrow and all the weekly comic books still have an issue arriving. Hopefully it's the last issue for all of them! Makes sense, right? Fifty-two issues of Batman Eternal because that's the magic DC number. Twenty-six issues of World's End because that's one-half of DC's magic number. And forty-eight issues of Futures End because fuck you.

At least Futures End #47 has renewed my interest in the finale of World's End since Harvest Tim Drake changed time and saved...well, he saved something. I think maybe he only saved himself. He actually killed everybody in the world he came from because that world no longer exists. What a selfish asshole. But he did make it so that Brother Eye no longer exists. That's a good thing! And he forced all the Twofers to go find their own planet on Earth-14 or Earth-24 or Earth-25 or Earth-27 or Earth-28 or Earth-46 or Earth-49! I bet whatever Earth they land on, Child Services is going to immediately make a call to Dick Grayson.

This issue is called "Grounded" even though I thought it was going to be called "Hope." Am I remembering that wrong? Oh, I am! Last issue was called "Hope" and ended with "Next: Power!" But this issue isn't called "Power." But that makes sense because the issue previous to the issue called "Hope" said "Next: Light!" So what have we learned here? Fuck you!

Kalibak using semaphore to command the Protofuries.

Hawkcop remains outside the escape ships to guard their retreat. She's also managed to convince The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick to remain behind. Even Aquawoman and her monstrous moray eel (not a dick innuendo because that would make a penis sound more terrifying than it actually is. I think) refused to take a seat on one of the ships. Jonni Loves Chachi Thunder is also helping with the defense for reasons that probably would have taken too many pages to explain. Another thing that would have taken too long to explain?

How did Dick wind up in a fighter ship with Replacement Batman?

Once again, Dick Grayson ditches his kid so that he can go on thrilling adventures. I totally get it. Fucking kids ruin everything. This is my life and I only get so many years to live it! Why the fuck do I want to spend a good third or more of it concentrating on somebody else's life? Fuck that bullshit! If humans were reptiles, I would have had kids. Lay some eggs in a neighbor's yard and forget about them.

It's possible Notwing and Replacement Batman blow up on the next page. At least that would end the fucking plot where Dick keeps giving away his kid and then going out of his mind trying to find him again.

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Power Girl takes an Omega Beam straight to the face and remains extant. No wonder last issue ended with "Next: Power!" because that's powerful! She punches Darkseid's Omega Beams back at him and she and Darkseid tumble off of Apokolips and fall to Earth.

Oh stop it, Val-el. You broke that pledge yesterday and the day before and last week and this morning and a few minutes ago.

Now that Darkseid is on the surface of Earth, the rest of Earth-2's wonders come up to attack him. I guess the threat in Atom Shaven was taken care of? The only ship that mattered made it out although it nearly crashed back down on Earth. Val-el set it down gently with Huntress and Red Arrow inside of it with the Codex that will terraform whatever Earth the survivors wind up on into another version of Earth-2. But I guess the Codex isn't as important as kicking Darkseid's ass because Huntress and Soon-to-be-dead Arrow have left it behind to join in the battle against Darkseid. Also joining the battle? Replacement Batman! I guess his ship blew up in much the same way Cobra's ships used to blow up in the GI Joe cartoon.

Back in space nearby the Earth-Apokolips Amalgamation, Queen Lantern figures out the secret to saving everybody (thanks to Mister Terrific stealing Mister Miracle's feet disc technology which he'll probably illegally patent as his own as soon as they get to whatever Earth they manage to escape to).

The Multiverse awaits!

But first Alan Scott has to defeat Darkseid all by himself. He arrives on Earth to find Darkseid teabagging all of the other wonders whom he's just defeated. I was going to leave it at that but I can't not post a picture of Darkseid's teabag style, right?

Classic teabag. Note the bent legs as he drops his balls down on Val-el's face? And the enthusiastic taunting? Right before Alan Scott arrived, he probably called them all garbage.

The worst part about this final page is my new favorite character, Humongous Moray Eel, lying dead in the background. Hopefully she's just as unconscious as the rest of the wonders.

World's End #25 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to give it a positive rating simply because of the announcement that next issue is the end! This issue, just like last issue, was much better in many ways. It benefits from having the plot concentrating on just getting to the end of the story. It's more cohesive and characters aren't just running about on tangential plots that you know are never going to resolve or matter. Although it also suffers because it's near the end and some short cuts needed to be made to get everybody on the same page. I'm going to buy myself a full sized cake topped with a whole pack of Oreos for next week and then eat the entire thing in celebration after reading next issue! I deserve it!

World's End #24

This could be a beautiful cover except my eyes keep getting drawn back to Power Girl's impending wedgie.

I kept asking myself, "What does World's End need to make it successful?"

I'm still asking myself, "What does World's End need to make it successful?"

Maybe if Daniel H. Wilson revealed that the culprit behind the destruction of Earth-2 wasn't Darkseid at all but Cluemaster! What a twist!

This issue begins with Darkseid and some of those inconsequential Lords of Apokolips assessing the situation.

Darkseid isn't allowed to finish because even the writers aren't really sure what his ultimate motivation was.

The rumble is Val-el, Power Girl, and Tornado Lane breaking into Darkseid's thinking out loud chamber. "Earth still has some fight left in it, monster!" screams Val-el, which is untrue and also not very threatening coming from a pacifist who refuses to resort to violence. Except occasionally when the writer and/or artist have forgotten that he's a pacifist. I have a feeling the next page is going to be a pair of Omega Beams bouncing around the room and three whiffs of non-existence.

Back on Earth where the evacuees are finally being shoved into the ships that will transport them to safety, Hawkcop decides to turn on The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick.

Jay: "Okay! Everybody on board! Mothers and their super hero sons first!"
Kendra: "You don't run! You flee!"
Jay: "What?"
Kendra: "You have to stay on Earth and sacrifice yourself while the ships fly up into space because they need protecting!"
Jay: "But what can I do once they lift off?"
Kendra: "You're being such a selfish prick! You should remain helpless inside Atom Shaven instead of escaping certain doom!"
Jay: "I don't get why you're being so...oh, I see. I get it. Manufactured drama to fill pages! Good job, Kendra, but really, I'll see you later on Earth-Main-Earth. We can continue this feud in Futures End."

Aquawoman busts through the floor riding a massive Moray Eel and declares some new boarding rules: Atlanteans then mothers and then their superhero sons!

The eel is waiting to hear when Giant Moray Eels get to board.

Barda isn't recognized by any of the humans even though she's over seven feet tall. But she is noticed by War who managed to find an identical disguise. I don't remember Evil Starfire in any of the Futures End comic books, so my guess is she tries something evil and Barda stops her which is when Barda's heart grows three sizes or something.

Meanwhile Dick Grayson apparently, once again, found Tommy or Johnny or whatever the little shitbag's name is between comic books. But guess what he does once more? He gives him away to somebody else for no reason! I mean, he kind of has a better reason this time, at least, than last time. Apparently there aren't enough seats on the escape ships for everybody since dozens of them have been given up to Atlanteans and a gigantic eel. All the men and children without mothers will now have to be left behind! It's not my rule! The guards said, "Women with children only!" That's why Dick gave Tohnny to a couple of women to take care of them. I don't know who they are because they're in such fabulous disguises but the really tall one says her name is "Barda." Johmmy never says a word because that would bump up his Actor's Union paycheck.

Alan Scott busts in on the Mister Misters as they whine about how they don't know how to save two million of Earth-2's last surviving humans, Atlanteans, and giant eels. I guess his new Chromatic Powers will provide life support systems for the millions of evacuees. Sam will provide oxygen and Solomon Grumpy will provide waste disposal and Cthulhu will create water and Yolanda Montez will die on the surface of the Earth but Alan will use the Red power for blood and other medical necessities to help the wounded. Alan Scott's green power will be used to spruce up the place with a few well-placed ferns.

Back in Darkseid's thinking out loud chamber, Val-el decides to end the battle with a really aggressive hug.

Yay! Now Power Girl gets the symbol and Val-el gets the Boob Window! Equality!

The issue ends with Power Girl punching Darkseid in the face and Darkseid going, "What was that? A mosquito? A piece of paper? Somebody threw a piece of paper on me!"

Hmm, does that quote have the taint of rape all over it now?

World's End #24 Rating: No change. This was a fantastic issue of World's End! I mean, at least the plot points all kind of made sense and are leading to the expected conclusion! Which I hope is in next issue although it still feels like it's going to need more than one more week to wrap up. Maybe all the weeklies are going to end on April 1st? Is that a possibility? Maybe I should just stop buying them after April 1st! If I don't acknowledge them, they don't actually exist! Why didn't I think of this earlier?!

World's End #23

Tornado Lane's breast has enough nipple in the shape of it for my fourteen year old self's masturbatory needs.

I hate to equate comic books with pornography since it seems a certain faction of men actually believe that the two things should most definitely be the same thing. But I also like to provide insight into who I am and who I was and who I will be (if I ever get any messages from my time travelling self. So far? No luck). Don't think of the caption above as some pervy male thing. Just think of it as a pervy human thing. Perhaps some fourteen year old lesbian would completely agree with me. Perhaps Val-el's slight bulge on this cover was enough for some randy young women or gay men to rub one out. Leaning against the wall behind me, I have the book with the picture that I probably, if I had to add up all of the times I've masturbated across my lifetime, jerked off to the most. So for your viewing pleasure (and I guarantee some of you will recognize it instantly and agree that it was pretty good wank material in the times before the internet and pornography was everywhere), my #1 All Time Masturbation Aid:

Dungeons and Dragons shouldn't have had parents worried about devil worship. They should have been concerned about semen stains on everything.

The issue begins with Yolanda Montez lying in a bunch of rubble above Atom Shaven. If she survived the loss of the Avatar of the Red, did the other Avatars return to their natural forms? Is Sam lying around somewhere? What about Cthulhu? Did Solomon Grumpy's corpse return to Slaughter Swamp? I guess Yolanda never lost her body since she was the avatar of flesh and blood. Different rules for different schools. That might not make sense but it rhymed so some of you were probably impressed.

Even with all of the other Avatar powers, Alan Scott has failed. That took me by surprise because I really thought he was going to turn things around and save Earth-2. It must be the spectacularly well-crafted story by Daniel H. Wilson that had me believing that the Avatars could spend twenty issues doing absolutely nothing and then in one single issue, once their powers were combined in a guy that used to produce television shows, the might of the Avatars would save the day! This is where I'd say "Not!" if it were the nineties but since it isn't the nineties anymore, I just have to let that sentence stand on its own and only the less credulous people will understand that I meant the exact opposite of what I actually typed.

Meanwhile, the Misters must all be suffering from concussions because their observations don't agree with the artist's rendering of the situation.

They are not on the other side of Apokolips and Earth is not encapsulated by it. It is always possible that my reading comprehension is to blame.

Sato responds that two and a half million Americans have survived and they need transport. She points out that everybody else is probably dead and don't bother trying to radio any other countries or anything. Mister Terrific points out that even though he can see Earth from where he's standing, he's certain that Apokolips is surrounding it and they can't pick up any survivors from any country anyway. Commander Sato says, "No problem! We'll be there in no time if we can convince Val-el to punch through Apokolips's hull!"

Over in Futures End, readers learned that Big Barda arrived on Earth-Main-Earth with the other evacuees. So the story of how that happened is told in this issue. Basically, Kalibak turned on her, then she followed Jimmy Olsen through a BOOM Tube to Atom Shaven where she stole a monk's hooded robe to disguise herself. Sure, she was the only seven foot six monk on the ship but nobody was willing to ask her who she was after she smashed a guard into a wall and screamed, "Walk away, human!" Curiosity has its limits, you know.

This is an odd numbered issue which means Val-el doesn't mind violence.

Queen Lantern uses his Chromatic Superpower to pierce a hole in Apokolips. Now the evacuees have a hole to fly through so they can reach the Multiversal Ship and escape! I don't want to be too optimistic and believe that this series will end next issue because I know that's just setting myself up for disappointment on a grand scale. But maybe there are only two issues left! Ending on Issue #25 seems like a reasonable thing to do, right? Yes! Only two more issues left of this series! Hooray!

I'm going to jump off of the roof if I have to read World's End #26 now.

World's End #23 Rating: No change. This series simply has no passion behind it. I'm not being unnecessarily cruel to any of the writers because this obviously doesn't showcase their best work. They're just adding meat to the skeleton which must not be a fun job since they're not making it exciting at all. Daniel H. Wilson and his writing cohorts simply have to pad a story with stupid fucking plot points until they get from Point A to Point Z. I'm sure if somebody had the extra hours to spend (and I assure you nobody should be giving up any hours of their life for this snoozefest), they could read through this entire series and draw up a flow chart with dozens of places where plot points just dead end or dissipate into nothingness. The only part of the story that I don't already know the ending to due to having read all (well, most, so far) of the September Future End issues is whether or not Dick Grayson's boy's name is Johnny or Tommy.

World's End #22

Daddy's got a squeeze box and other daddy never sleeps at night!

Glancing at my current top ten DC Comics, I notice seven out of ten of them are "bat" titles in some form. I've never been a Bat-fanatic so I don't think I'm biased when it comes to Batman. That must mean the current crop of bat titles are pretty fucking good. Two of the other ten are written by Charles Soule who will be missed because he's died and gone to Marvel. The other one is Secret Six which has only had two issues so the fact that I've ranked it at number ten probably just means I'm really excited about it and also it stars Ferdie as the leader of the Secret Six. I mean the eventual leader. Probably.

I just thought I'd mention some DC Comics that are worth reading right now because World's End is terrible. Also, I should mention Batgirl is super worth reading right now. Don't tell Gail I said this but it's way better than her run! Some people really like Narration Boxing because they love knowing what's in a character's head during the action in every single panel. I'm not one of those people so Batgirl's never ending string of Narration Boxes were just distracting. Who thinks calm, rational thoughts while being drowned in a sewer?! And who thinks about how hot Batwoman is while Batwoman is kicking them in the face? Okay, so Gail nailed that one. I can admit when I'm wrong. Probably.

This issue begins with Alan Scott learning that the other Avatars have been incorporated into his being.

Does that mean when Alan masturbates now, he's actually having sex with Sam? And Solomon Grumpy?

Cullen Bunn has been added to the list of writers that I don't even bother acknowledging anymore in the tags and labels for the commentary. I'm not acting petulantly in not recognizing them! I'm just being lazy. You have seen the long list of names on the cover, right? So many creators! And so many characters too! I don't tag them either.

Anyway, now that Cullen Bunn is on this thing, I'm sure the story will go from bad to boring in no time.

So...many...dick...jokes....

Alan Scott's big line as he attacks Apokolips is this: "A god planet? You're going to learn even a god can go hungry!" That's almost as good as "Always bet on black!" Next time I punch some drunk asshole in the chops, I'm going to say that god planet thing! Except minus the "god planet" bit since that might just confuse the drunk.

While Apokolips begins eating Earth, Kalibak, Barda, and a host of parademons attack Amazonia for some reason. You might think that one planet eating the other would be enough and that this is just overkill and sating blood lust. You might think that if you were not the writers of this comic book. I suppose Barda and Kalibak are just being cautious, because isn't that the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Darkseid and the armies of Apokolips?

Seeing Barda murdering Twofers for Darkseid is just upsetting. I still don't understand the decision to make her a traitor while Fury gets to be the hero. I suppose making Fury a hero rights one Golden Age wrong anyway. And Barda's root were always as a soldier of Apokolips. So maybe never mind how I began this paragraph and pretend that I completely agreed with Barda and Fury's characterizations from the beginning.

Jimmy Olsen arrives to put an end to Barda and Kalibak's murder spree. Is this how Jimmy Olsen interacted with the New Gods when Kirby was writing that Fourth World crap?

Yay! Worshiping Jimmy Olsen has now been legitimized! I can move my shrine from the closet to the living room!

Meanwhile in space, The Mister Misters and Ms. Fury miraculously survived their collision with Apokolips due to multiversal shenanigans. Now that Apokolips thinks they're dead, the Misters can scoop up the last of the remaining Twofers and travel to Earth-Main-Earth. And this comic book series can end! And everybody can rejoice! And local comic book stores can dump all of their remaining World's End stock into the 25 cent bins where they'll languish until they're eventually bought up, one by one, by soon-to-be disappointed elementary school kids.

Above Atom Shaven, Replacement Batman, The Huntress, and Red Arrow (seriously though. Didn't he die already in Earth-2? Or was that just the Connor Hawke version?) arrive in hopes to escape with Earth-2's Codex filled with all Earth-2 knowledge. Red Arrow's reaction seems to ignore how he's been hiding in an underwater Transformer for years.

I think hiding and escaping and preserving the Codex was exactly what Batman imagined! It was his entire End of the World contingency plan!

That whole plot with Dick Grayson trying to find his son that he never should have been separated from in the first place gets a few useless pages at this point. Perhaps it was all leading to this point where Dick can defeat Brainwave and keep him from stealing all of the evacuation ships. Although that would mean that one useless plot point was written simply to solve the problem created by another useless plot point, that of Constantine having removed Obsidian, Brainwave, and Jonni Thunder from stasis. For no reason at all. Probably.

I sometimes make claims about the plot that could be completely inaccurate because there's no way I actually remember even half of what's been happening in this series. I think I may have zoned out thinking about raccoons and kittens through at least half of the time reading it.

Dick Grayson is saved by Replacement Batman and The Huntress so I guess Grayson's plot was even more useless than I guessed.

Goddammit, Dick! Stop losing your kid!

So because Dick Grayson can't keep his hands on his kid, who he's been desperately searching for for a dozen issues, because he has to check out the cool Batarang, I have to continue reading more boring pages of Dick wandering around Atom Shaven yelling, "Tommy! Tommy! Ted, we have to find Tommy!" Also, who's Tommy?

The issue ends with Val-el, Power Girl, and Tornado Lane bumping into Queen Lantern in the stratosphere as he holds back Apokolips. Val-el comes in his tights and says, "See?! We don't have to punch stuff, Power Girl! We can just help Green Lantern form a shield!" And Queen Lantern collapses and says, "No, no. You're going to have to punch stuff. My power's gone." And Power Girl is all, "Ha ha! Told you! Now get in the kitchen and start fixing some knuckle sandwiches, bitch!"

World's End #22 Rating: No change. This issue was an "Are you kidding me?" look from Death as she sits adorably with her parasol on a cute Vertigo postcard.

Don't worry! I'll get tired of doing these rating metaphors eventually and we can all go back to my usual blathering conclusions.

World's End #21

Oliver Queen is a dick.

I hate to compare comic books to real life (no I don't! But it was the only way I could think to begin this!), but lets see how long it takes for a cop to shoot your ass when one sees you running around the city impaling people with arrows. Then when they're hauling your ass to jail for assaulting people with a sorta-deadly-I-guess weapon, you can explain to them that you're just trying to save the city. Then they'll ask you, "From what, you psycho?" You won't have an answer for that one! At least, not a very specific answer. Or one that doesn't piss them off completely because I'd agree with you if your answer was "From the police department's systemic racism and wild incompetence!"

Here's how every episode of Arrow goes:

Character #1: "How dare you keep a secret from me!"
Character #2: "It was for your own good!"
Character #1: "I hate you forever!" storms off to pout
Character #2: "Well shit. I'm certainly not telling her/him about all of the other secrets now!"

This issue begins...hell, it doesn't fucking matter where it begins. Pick any one of the fifteen different plots going on and then imagine that nothing really happens with it for two pages before switching to one of the other plots.

See? Hawkcop and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick get one page where they're fighting confetti and reminding the reader that they're trying to save the world. Next!

That scene was taking place inside the Earth in Atom Shaven. Don't ask me why the people of Earth decided to hide underground while an alien planet is busy above ground destroying the Earth. It must be the same mentality that causes victims in horror movies to hide in closets.

Above the Earth, Val-el, Power Girl, and Tornado Lane are battling satellites from Apokolips that are busy chopping up and preparing the Earth to become a meal for Apokolips. Val-el is concerned that all of this violence isn't really helping. Well, asshole, maybe you can sit down with the planet over coffee and share some poetry. Besides, I've caught you punching sentient creatures in previous issues and now you're hesitating over destroying a satellite? Buck up, honey pie! Get your hands bloody or Earth-2 is doomed!

Actually, Earth-2 is doomed anyway. But at least if you punch a few satellites, Power Girl will be able to look you in the eye when it's over. And with the "S" symbol covering her boob window, you'll be able to look her in the eye!

Val-el really wants to try the coffee and poetry strategy.

Meanwhile, Replacement Batman and The Huntress are welcomed into Red Arrow's Transformer. He serves them coffee but nobody recites any poetry. But I think he's going to tell The Huntress a secret! I hope she doesn't get pissed off that he didn't tell her earlier because this comic book doesn't have enough issues left to deal with Thea's Laurel's Detective Lance's Oliver's Tommy's Felicity's Diggle's Slade's Helena's pouting subplot.

I'm actually surprised when Red Arrow reveals what the Trinity gave him to protect. I'm not surprised by what it was but that it didn't take eight issues to get around to it.

That's arrogant. Why is it so important to save all the knowledge from Earth-2? I suppose it can be used to write a bunch of semi-entertaining comic books.

In case you've forgotten, Dick Grayson is still looking for his son. And Babs is still dead. And the super villains Constantine rescued from Arkham Stasis Asylum are helping evacuate Earth. I think. Maybe. But only for their own benefit somehow, I'm sure.

The Mister Misters (Mister Eight, Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and company) get the multiversal bleed ship up and running. But Terry Sloan doesn't take it to Earth to save everyone. Instead, he crashes it into Apokolips. Don't worry! He has one of those Harvest plans! It might look like they all just died and all hope of saving any Twofers is lost but that's part of the plan! Probably.

Sloan also explains how Universe-2 is a feeder Universe. This was mentioned in World's End #11, the one I wrote a sonnet for, so I might not have explained the whole feeder universe thing very well. You see, Highfather made a deal with Darkseid. If Darkseid would calm down and stop trying to kill every universe in the multiverse, Highfather would give him a few universes where Apokolips could run around eating up planets willy nilly. Terry Sloan's original universe was one of these. He claims he saved it but I think he just made the same kind of deal with Darkseid there that he made here. The deal is kind of shitty for everybody but Sloan though since basically he traded everybody's lives for his own. Don't think of Terry Sloan as an asshole! Look at him as somebody with initiative and foresight!

World's End #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. Convergence can't get here soon enough! Mostly just because this series has to be over by the end of this month, right? Just four issues left? Maybe? Please? OH GOD PLEASE!

World's End #20

Mister T-Bag!

Do you think this series will have a big twist ending where Earth-2 actually survives?! The world that ends will be Apokolips and Darkseid will be all, "Wh-wh-wh-what?!" Then Etrigan will cut his head off and keep it by his side for the next thousand years.

Down in the bowels of the Earth, Queen Lantern learns the Green wasn't being entirely truthful about the world ending if Deathspawn made it to the center of the Earth. Yeah, no shit. Somebody has mentioned the world finally ending about sixty times so far and it's still fucking chugging along. Anyway, Green actually might be able to help heal the non-Blue members of Parliament and then maybe they'll come up with a new plan while Alan Scott heads back to Russia to help the Avatars.

So once again, the Avatars are tasked with saving the world even though they have failed every time so far. And by "every time," I mean the one long protracted battle between the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips. And by "battle," I mean stalemate. The Horsewomen were only defeated when the Wonders came by to help out. I think the Avatars might actually be useless.

Meanwhile The Huntress and Replacement Batman fiddle around with a busted old computer while a wave of molten metal washes down on top of them.

I'm not so sure about that, Helena. I think Power Girl just paid other people to steal Michael Holt's technology!

Not every superhero needs to be a genius of some kind, guys! You don't have to make Kara into something she's not! It's okay if Kara's strengths are running a business and leading people. You don't have to suddenly make her into a gadget whiz kid too! It would be just fine to have Huntress acknowledge that people forget Kara built up and owned one of the most powerful technology research labs on Earth-Main-Earth. That's impressive enough, you know.

The Huntress gets the information she needs and she and her grandfather escape with just seconds to spare! Probably not even seconds! Probably just one second!

They live to discover Green Arrow hiding out on a deep sea drilling rig that can "transform" into a robot. I bet his name is Jellyfish. Or Texas Tea. I was never much of a Transformers viewer. Were any of the robots in disguise female? If not, was their an explanation for it? Did the females transform into...no, no, no, no. Nothing good can come from me completing that sentence!

Meanwhile Dick continues to lie to himself about how he completely fucked up back in Chicago when the tidal wave was bearing down on everybody.

No, Grayson. You chose to split with your son for poorly plotted reasons! But I guess it was worth it because now we have this boring side plot where Dick mentions once per issue how he needs to find his kid. Also, once per issue, he doesn't mention his dead wife Barbara.

Some people might argue with my use of "once per issue" in that last caption about how often Dick doesn't mention Babs. Well fuck you. What am I? A math professor?

Finally Dick and Ted catch up to Obsidian and Jonni Thunder who were there when Dick gave his kid away for no good reason. They inform him that Brainwave has his son now because Brainwave is mind controlling hundreds of survivors. Why? I don't know yet but I'm sure the explanation will be just as logical as the explanation for every other plot point in this comic book.

*Me, whispering*: That means it will be lousy!

Meanwhile in space, Mister Miracle, Fury, Mister Terrific, and The Sandman realize they don't know how to drive the Multidimensional escape ship Jimmy Olsen discovered. Good thing the owner is still on board to help them. Maybe!

Why is he Mister Eight again? Or is that just a Dig Dug emoticon on his chest?

Finally, Alan Scott absorbs all of the other Avatars and sucks up all the Parliament's power. Now instead of ten useless, mediocre characters, there's just Alan Scott, Green Lantern!

World's End #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. As long as I just keep typing and reading and typing and reading and not thinking about anything, I can mostly stand this comic book. The characters are all just paper dolls without any personality though. I don't think it really matters who speaks which lines. And I get the feeling that nobody is really doing anything important. They're all just fiddling their diddles waiting for the world to end (which it can't do soon enough).

World's End #19

Val-el's crotch is grossing me out.

Pee-yuke! Who wants to look at man crotch?! Gross people, that's who! It's probably all sweaty and stinky with scrotum skin sticking to everything so that Val-el's testicles look like some kind of spider dragon. And his penis is probably all smashed up against his leg looking like a baby sea cucumber recently frightened by a passing Clown Fish. Not that Power Girl's crotch is probably any better right now! It's probably all sweaty and puckered with loose pubes sticking out all over the place. Although I'd still like to look at it!

I hate World's End! I haven't even opened the cover and it already has me talking about untoward subjects! Now I have to climb into the closet and beat myself for ten minutes. Be right back!

Okay, so when we last left this comic book, we were all extraordinarily happy to leave the comic book. We set it gently aside and smiled, seeing the rest of the World's End free week stretch out in front of us. But time is a methodical bastard and it betrays us over and over again. So before any of us knew it, a week had passed and here, once again, in our hands is another issue of World's End. It sits there taunting us with that word: end. Will it ever? For most of you, it probably ended weeks ago, possibly months ago when you realized this comic book had nothing to offer but pain and despair. So you left me to shoulder the burden, to trudge on ahead and clear the way. Fine. I'll go on without you. Without any of you! But if I find gold, it's mine, you hear?! All mine!

Wait! If it kills the inevitability of death, nobody can die! The world will be saved! New plan guys!

The Deathspawn of Apokolips begins trying to crack open the Earth to get to its core. The Parliament of the Green tells Queen Lantern that if it succeeds, it will mean the death of the world! And then the monster succeeds and Queen Lantern says, "I'm going to go after it!" And The Parliament of the Green says, "No, you know what? Maybe it won't be so bad. Let's figure something else out."

Meanwhile in Atom Shaven, Earth-2's last survivors have to deal with earthquakes and cave-ins. But that's going to happen when you decide to take refuge in the center of the Earth to survive the destruction of the Earth. Idiots.

Dick Grayson is still hunting for his son who he threw on a train with a bunch of strangers and decided not to get on the train for some reason. I thought he just didn't want his son anymore but now all he's doing is searching for him, so he must want him something awful. So why did he get rid of him in the first place then?

Constantine's friends, the ones he broke out of The Arkham Coma Cylinders, have some kind of plan in mind. Why did Constantine even bother to break them out? They didn't help him in any way! He was in London then he was breaking them out of Arkham then he was in Chicago and then he ditched them to go back to London! Why doesn't this comic book make any sense at all?!

From now on, I'm calling it Apokpolips. And Darkrseid. And New Genenesis. And Highghfagather.

Even the characters have decided they don't give a fuck about the story anymore. Nobody is taking it seriously! Mister Terrific, upon blasting off in a rocket to go find the Multiversal Ship they're going to use to go to Earth-Main-Earth, says, "It's been said before but this time I really mean it...Let's go save the world!" Pee-yuke! And then Power Girl says, "Have superbody, will travel." What the fuck does that even mean?! I think Daniel, Marguerite, and Mike have simply left the scripting to the letterer.

We? Val-el is a pacifist. He just watched you destroy the army, Power Girl.

Meanwhile, Replacement Batman and The Huntress head off to New York to find whatever Oliver Queen supposedly has for The Huntress. I don't know why Earth-2 Green Arrow (Red Arrow? I'm so confused!) doesn't live in Seattle. The West Coast had one fucking super hero and the East Coast had to take him as well. Earth-2 really is a nightmare version of Earth-Main-Earth.

I think I might have jumped to the wrong conclusion because it seems Replacement Batman and The Huntress are searching one of Sloan's lairs. I blame this incomprehensible comic book for being both hard to follow and terribly written. And boring too!

I wish! Characters keep promising that it is the end but it never is the end! The story just keeps going and going!

World's End #19 Rating: -2 Ranking. Why won't Earth-2 just fucking burn already?!

World's End #18