Batgirl #50

Frankie is looking HAWT.

The Review
I really love Batgirl of Burnside and for some reason, I didn't have it in the highly recommended category on my review site. Or whatever I call it. Must reads? Best of DC? Books with the perkiest tits? Anyhow, it's one of my favorites and I've rectumified the error.

The Commentary
Dear Diary,

Today I filled in a crossword puzzle with only the word penis, and a sudoku with only little images of cocks. I did this at the laundromat with a magazine I found lying near the washer I was using. I needed to do laundry because I sniffed the gusset on every single one of my underpants and all of them smelled like I had just come back from programming class staring at the hot guy three seats up and four seats over who has a pleasant habit of touching his crotch while he thinks through a logic problem. I don't know if that's actually a pleasant habit but I know I enjoy watching it because he's totally doing it subconsciously so I feel like I'm spying on something nasty. Sometimes I think of asking him out and putting his hand in my lap and saying, "Write a program to determine the least number of moves a person can make to win at Checkers if their opponent moves their far right-hand piece first." Oh god, I feel tingly! Why don't I just have the balls to ask him--or anybody!--on a simple fuck date!

I wonder if Steph or Harper eat pussy?

I am so pent up!

Look at this rear end! How has no tongue ever tracked it's way across my butthole, over my taint, and straight on til morning?!

Why can't I be as popular with the boys as I am with supervillains, whackjobs, and serial killers?! I don't even mind if a guy just wants me for my hot perky bod! I'm sick of guys going after me for my mind, like that one guy whose name I can't remember when I first got to Burnside or that other guy whose name I can't remember because he's been stealing all of my memories or that other guy who was a cop but I fucked up my chance with him. And before that, the only people after me were women! That was weird. And hot in a way. I don't know if I really want to kiss another woman but I wouldn't mind some oral sex from one. That's not Batgay, is it?

Oh, I remembered the name of the guy whose ass I kicked yesterday! The Fugue! More like the Fugly, amirite, Diary?! That creep went through my underwear drawer, so he had to pay!

We should start a band named Hawt Bitches. We would all have cool nicknames like Bootyspread, Grumpfuck, Virgin Slut, Accidental Blowjob, and Electric Bungholelube. It would be like the girl version of Gwar! Except instead of blood and violence, we'd shower the audience with nudity and sex juices! Also maybe blood and violence since Black Canary--I mean Grumpfuck!--will be in the group.

Fugue thought up this overly complicated plan to murder thousands of people and blame it all on me. What's up with Gotham Baddies trying to ruin my sparkling--if too pure--reputation?! What the poop did I do?! It's a good thing I had the girl band with me to take out Fugue's allies while I dealt with him. It's like I have my own little Batfamily of hawt little super sluts!

Electric Bungholelube took out Killer Moth by grasping his goo gun and turning it around on him, spraying the sticky ejaculate all over his body until he couldn't move. Ugh! I'm so jealous!

Accidental Blowjob was up against the Jawbreakers which, now that I've written it down, is totes fitting! I saw the recordings of the fight and at one point, Accidental Blowjob says, "It looks like I'm gonna have my hands full down there." Oh man! Why didn't she say "mouth" instead of "hands"?! I mean, I know why she didn't. Because she doesn't know I've been calling her Accidental Blowjob. Although if she knew, she'd probably just smile and laugh and say, "Oh yeah! I would totally accidentally blow a guy! Probably when I was just going to shake hands or something!"

Or Accidental Blowjob! Maybe the Purple Peepee Eater?

Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube wound up having to battle Corporal Punishment as well as the Jawbreakers. Christ, even without my silly sexy codenames, this adventure I just had sounds like a porn movie. Corporal Punishment? What was she planning on doing? Putting Batman over her knee? Bane already did that! HA!

Not that Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube couldn't take care of a simpleton like Corporal Punishment themselves but I still sent Bootyspread along to help. And by "sending Bootyspread", of course I meant Bootyspread hacked into the Gotham Police Department and took control of one of their Batman Robots! We've actually begun calling Bootyspread "Operator" which doesn't really help tone down the porniness of the story.

Bootyspread might need to work on her one-liners.

Fugue spread some video of me telling everybody to meet on the bridge so he could blow it up and kill them all. Not only is he trying to blame me for his massacre, he also made me say "an historic"! Ugh! Pee-yuke! What a pretentious twat! Farts! I hope nobody remembers this and goes around thinking I talk like that!

Grumpfuck was given the task of battling Velvet Tiger and just thinking about it has me all steamy in the underpants. Now those are women! I can't imagine ever being old enough to feel like a real woman like Black Canary or Velvet Tiger! I imagine they meet a man and they take his cock in hand and they know exactly what to do with it and where to put it and when to put it there! I would be all, "Does it go in here yet? How about now? What about in here? Can it go in here first and then in here or would that be gauche and unsanitary?!" I imagine there were at least three orgasms during the battle of Grumpfuck and Velvet Tiger!

In the end, Fugue's entire plan was just to rob a bank. Well, that didn't stop my plan of kicking his ass from going on as, um, planned! Yeah!

Oh my god. I give myself such a huge boner!

Oh, and by the way, Diary, I started my own business! Well, "my own" if you forget about Luke Fox being my "partner". I hope he doesn't have any hangups about sex between coworkers! Or about coworkers masturbating on his office chair after hours while smelling the musk from the t-shirt he left in his locker in the corporate gym!

Batgirl #46

I bet Spoiler's diary is full of stories that end in sexual gratification.

Dear Diary,
You are the worst, Diary. The absolute worst. You sit there on the bedside table judging me and my painfully intact maidenhead! Every time I pick you up to write in you, I can hear your pages flop with ennui! You probably wish you'd been purchased by some super slut who bangs guys left and right and anally! Well, I've got news for you, Diary! I'm a super slut too! It's just that I'm trapped in the body of an untouchable monster that withers dicks by walking in the room! Apparently! Maybe virginity is the price I'm paying for loving justice so much! I just don't have time to hang out at the roller rink in my jeans just tight enough to begin camel toeing but not quite enough for anybody to talk about it. I'd be flipping my hair back and forth while giggling at all the boys jokes! Sometimes I'd get real flirty and hang on the back of one of them imagining their cock stiffening in their pants at the pressure of my boobs pressed against them! Maybe one of them--not quite the one I'm interested in but perhaps one that's kind of cute and funny and outgoing--will ask me to skate doubles with him! His hand would enfold mine as we skate counter-clockwise around the rink, my hip occasionally bumping his, my heart thrilling, my labia swelling! Eventually, after weekend upon weekend spent at the roller rink, flirting and laughing and teasing, maybe I'd wind up in the back seat of his car with my pants around my ankles as he timidly explores my nether regions, first with his fingers and then--if courage and lust overtake him--with his tongue! Then after I experienced my first orgasm from another person (mostly due to the experience and less due to his experience), I'd unzip his jeans and pull them down around his thighs. I'd see his cock straining against his tight whiteys and I'd eagerly pull at the elastic band to see it spring up into view. I'd take a deep breath of his aroma and gently wrap my hand around his thickness. Then he'd probably come immediately and I'd be a little bit upset when some of his semen got on the arm of my jumper. But I'd smile and giggle and we'd clean up quickly, redress, and head back into the rink where he'd probably play video games with his friends and fucking ignore me for the rest of the night. Hmm. That fantasy was real nice up until the end! Now I'm sort of glad I'm a virgin for justice!

Nadimah and I have been working on this project to make Burnside safer by being nosy and collecting as much information as the locals as we can. We're kind of being extremely pushy but that's because people in this area just don't know what's good for them! Stop doubting me and just trust me, you old people! What we noticed was that gentrification is gentrifying the gentrifiable gentrifications. Gentrification gentrification gentrification! It's all so gentrification I can't gentrificate!

Ugh! Sorry about that! I'm so sleepy! But I guess when you change up your whole superhero look and attitude so that it screams "hipster," you only really have one theme to your battles: gentrification! It's like Batman is kind of crazy so his battles are all about madness. And Superman is all about being noble and trustworthy so all of his battles are with selfish bastards. So now I've decided to live in Gothipster Central, so I'm just going to have to deal with evil real estate developers and construction companies who don't really care more about improving the neighborhood than improving their bank account. It is nice to be able to judge them though! "That is wrong, yous!" I shout while wagging my finger at them and pouting my lips to show my disapproval! "Old people and poor people need low rents in safe neighborhoods, by gum!" Then I'll swivel my hips around and put my waggy finger up to my chin and furrow my cute little brows. "It's good to improve the neighborhood but not at the expense of the current residents, don't you know?!" Then I'll cover my mouth with both hands and say "Tee hee!" before swinging away from the thoroughly chastised bad guys.

It's only a matter of time before I find myself face to face with Wayne Enterprises!

This is totally how gangs work and super believable to boot!

So while out doing some routine patrols to keep the hipster gangs to a minimum, I ran into this bald guy named Lewis. He was all, "Secrecy secrets conspiracy secrets secrets!" And I was all, "Oh shootz!" And he was all, "Shh!" And I was all, "Mums!" We agreed to talk elsewhere later because that's how these kinds of clandestine meetings are arranged. I couldn't really tell how attractive he was so my vagina didn't care about the meeting as much as my brain did. My brain was all, "How do you pop a boner because I am super excited!"

So before I went out to meet this guy, Frankie showed me some neural implant she got for some superhero reason. Oh wait! I remember! It was to be my motorcycle! AnySwayze, I finally decided to stop being a Grump Canary when it came to Frankie being a superhero and we Clit Swore to become BFF Partners! Neither one of us could still voice how she's chosen the name Oracle but has still never flippin' said it. I'm not saying it first! She really needs to say it first!

So after we got done making out and getting all sloppy, I headed out to meet Lewis.

Great. Lewis was trying to drag me into Gotham Mob crap!

So that was it! I had to track down Spoiler and help her. Then maybe after that, I'd point out how I was getting a league of hot young girls together to fight crime! We'd be totally doing it for justice so any vag massages we needed to give each other after big battles wouldn't be gay at all!

I found Spoiler just as she was battling some weird Japanese Elvis Yu-Gi-Oh Wolverine dude. He might have been tough in Osaka but this is Gotham, baby! Tough in Osaka is puppysville in Gotham! Spoiler and I beat the crap out of him easy! With the help of Orac...um, Frankie as the Batgirl-Cycle! Not my menses, Smartass Diary.

So I set Spoiler up in this apartment of this person I know that was probably named Tim or Dick or somebody named the guy I was totally going to bang soon. AnySwayze, I had a big date and I was exhausted! So I knew I wasn't going to become a woman that night because I was going to pass out if I got anywhere near a bed. Unless, of course, Luke is like a total sleep creeper! Probably not, right, Diary?

It could be. But you did hear the part where it's somebody else's, right, Mister Sleep Creeper?!

Oh yeah! I was also having sleep paralysis! But that's totally normal and probably not at all related to some weird super-villain, right Diary?!

Then just before hitting bed tonight, I saw that old lady whose son we promised to help on the news. Her son was being arrested and she was screaming stupid bullpoop about how it was my fault because I promised to keep him safe. Hey, old lady! How about blaming your stupid son for getting into gangs in the first place, hunh?! I'm just trying to friggin' help, you old cow! Garsh! I'm so angry!

Batgirl #46 Rating: No change. Are people really as petty and stupid as the old lady at the end of this comic book? Her son chooses to join a gang. Her son gets arrested. She blames Batgirl because Batgirl said she'd help her son. Lobotomize that old lady! Euthanize her! And then put a bullet in the head of every comic book character that doesn't know how to assign blame and responsibility! Although if I'm angry at characters that are always punishing or blaming the wrong person, I suppose I should be really angry at the original gangster of misdirected blame: God! That guy really knew how to punish the wrong people! I suppose the other thing that's going to happen in this comic book is Luke Fox is going to fuck Spoiler and Batgirl is going to go back to pining for Dick. If you know what I mean! You should know because that wasn't subtle at all.

Batgirl #45

What is the traditional time during the reception to fuck in the closet?

Dear Diary,
Today I was the hottest bridesmaid in all of the land. I was so hot that Alysia and Jo were probably upset that they invited me to be in their wedding. I also didn't wear any underpants! Not for sexy reasons! It wasn't like anybody was going to get an "accidental" glimpse of my goodies when I bent over to pick up whatever I fake dropped next to the cute boy anyway with all of that chiffon in the way. I didn't wear underpants so I could just swing the entire dress over my head and simply sit down when I needed to pee. And I was going to have to pee a lot because I was planning on drinking one whole glass of champagne! Oh! I also planned to do the dress over the head trick after the reception when I sat on Luke's face! My worst fear was that I was so eager to have anything with testosterone touching my lady petals that I was going to scream at the officiant to just hurry the fudge up with the vows cause I got a date with an orgasm!

Okay, yes, Diary. Alysia looked pretty hot. But she was supposed to look hot! She was wearing the wedding dress! I was in Prom Reject Formal and I was still killing it! Although one misstep with the not wearing underpants, Diary? I didn't realize how nice it was going to feel when the dress rubbed against my bare ass all night. And then dancing with Luke! And then later when that other thing happened that I'll get to! Constant fear that I was leaving a trail around the reception hall like some super horny garden slug. I hate to throw a spoiler about how the night went, Diary, but I have to say that there's no way sex is better than walking around in a constant state of anticipating sex! It's like my entire body was an erogenous zone and everything at the wedding was an erect penis!

I was lying! My most important job of the day was milking Luke's penis until he died of dehydration.

After helping Luke tie his stupid nerd tie, I came within twenty seconds of being defiled! Is that how long men usually last? The way I'm constantly wound up, I probably only need about three seconds before I explode. But just when Luke and I were about to untie that stupid tie so I could rub my vagina all over his naked chest, stupid Dick Grayson slipped through the window and interrupted.

I may have had an orgasm at this point. It may have been caused by seeing one Dick and feeling another. On another note, my shoes were ruined.

So Dick climbs in the window and he's all, "Who are you, hot African American youngster with the obvious erection in your slacks?!" And I was all, "He's the guy who's going to take my innocence later tonight! If you, you know, want to help, I suppose that would be okay." And Luke was all, "Blargle flargle dargle whut whut WHUT?!" See, Diary, he hadn't heard that Dick Grayson had only faked his death like a big jerk. I mean, if you're going to fake your death, you don't do it the Batman way! You tell your friends! Especially your friends who want to have that benefits deal! You definitely tell that friend! Maybe you even whisper it sweetly into her vagina! Maybe you write a romantic poem about how much it's going to break your heart to have to leave and remain out of contact for awhile! Maybe you take pictures of your lonely penis and send them to a secret email account that this erotic friend registered to house all of her clandestine and adult missives! What you don't do is leave and not say anything which totally causes you to miss your chance at deflowering the most beautiful ass in Gotham because she's moved on to a guy who--let's face it--is actually much hotter than Dick Grayson! And possibly too hot for me! Good thing I have the superhero gimmick to bump up my hotness by a few points!

My mouth said no while my vagina said, "GURGLE SPLOOSH GARGLE WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR WATERFALL!"

Look, Diary. This is not the time and place for intellectual and philosophical quandaries! You're not where I write my code and work on my college thesis! I was at a wedding today! You're going to have to forgive me if my mind seems to be a bit more on getting laid than it usually is (which is usually a lot). I was in the testosterone cloud of two very sexy men! If the room had had a fainting couch, I would have fainted all over that thing! Probably immediately after hiking my dress up over my head while yelling, "You both have consent!"

AnySwayze, Diary, you won't be surprised when I tell you I went out the window with Dick Grayson. I mean, I was definitely going to be straddling Luke's muscular thighs later that night so I should probably give Dick one last chance at being my first! I deserved it! He didn't deserve it but I'm pretty sure I deserved it! Dick was always the most nimble and agile and competent Batkid. We all knew he would one day take over Batman's job and Gotham would be better for it. So there's no way he isn't also super duper competent at making clitorises swoon.

Oh my god he touches his penis with that finger!

Yes, I sparred on the roof in my bridesmaid gown with Dick. Don't start trying to guess how this story ends, Diary! I'm sure you're thinking I lost the ring and didn't realize it and almost ruined the wedding but then Dick surreptitiously gets the ring back to me just before Alysia murders me with her eyeballs. I'm telling this story and you'll learn how many people I had sex with before I'm done! Just hold your pages!

Dick took the ring right off of my neck, Diary. He did it so that I'd chase him. He never could just have a simple conversation. It was always sentence, jump onto a roof, half a sentence, back flip into midair, half a sentence, swing on a pole, two sentences, land on awning, half a sentence, triple flip to sidewalk, finish the sentence, super hot smile. I knew I couldn't chase him across Gotham in my dress so I quickly got into my Batgirl suit and went off after him.

I would like to say it ended in super awesome sex but...well, you've read my other entries, Diary. You know how hurt I was when he barely acknowledged me while alive, how much my heart broke when he died, how much I found out my heart still could break when I found out he was alive...and now he was reaching out to me. Now. After he saw me with another guy. Has he been spying on me with his Spyral eyes?! Anyway. Why now, Dick? Why admit that you've had feelings for me all this time? Why tell me when...Christ, Diary. Just...just fucking Christ.

Oh yeah. He's got it bad.

I forgot to mention that Grump Canary was playing the wedding and reception. At least now that Dinah has the music gig, she's stopped giving me a hard time about burning all of her raggedy clothes!

AnySwayze, I made it back in time to be the hottest bridesmaid of the year! Dinah was all, "When I have a wedding, I'm going to call my bridesmaids 'birdsmaids!'", and nobody laughed! Well, okay, maybe some people laughed. But I totally didn't! Although I have to admit that would be a fun wedding. Strix and I would ruin that wedding cake! As long as Dinah wasn't getting married to that idiot Condor! I'd probably have to decline to be in that blasphemy of romance.

So then the wedding happened and it was all, "I do!", and "I do!", and big gay kiss! It was super romantic if you're into that kind of thing and everybody was weepy and joyous and all that crap. If you want the details, you should probably contact Alysia's or Jo's Diary, Diary. I'm not going to go into all the details of somebody else's big day that totally didn't involve me at all and made my vagina feel like a cavernous death trap that no man dare enter. I mean, the ceremony was cute and whatever.

And then I came home early in the morning and wrote this entry because Luke Fox is a gentleman. Ugh. Why am I always meeting gentlemen?! Before Dick arrived, he was all "I have a one track mind!" and "I like to say things that sound like I'm suggesting we fuck but I'm really just talking about things that aren't fucking at all! Ha ha!" And then Dick knocked Luke off of his game and now here I am all alone! Stupid Grayson. He owes me one huge orgasm!

Batgirl #45 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is cute even though I would like it to be dirty. It is entertaining but needs more fucking in it. Sometimes the crime happens and Batgirl must change into her outfit but she never gets out of her underpants on-panel. That is a mistake that should be corrected. Luke Fox never showed his penis and that was okay but more people would have purchased this issue if he showed his penis. DC Comics should listen to my advice and make their comic books with more sex in them. Sometimes the sex could even be boring and take place in only the missionary position with the woman on the bottom. I would even enjoy that even though no animal on Earth does it in that manner. Maybe that is proof that mankind has a soul! Because they fuck in a weird and awkward position. You should read Batgirl even though it never attempts to make the reader horny. It is still a good comic book to enjoy.

Batgirl #43

Those tigers are probably so confused having to work together. "We aren't lions, asshole!" is probably what their union representative would roar.

Dear Diary,
What a couple of days! Who's going to pay to have the tiger slobber dry cleaned out of my ripped up cape?! I don't have the money to pay for a new uniform or stitches! I'm still forking over a good portion of any money I earn to pay for Dinah's burned down dojo! Couldn't she have been adult enough to have had insurance?! I guess she was too busy making googly vaginas at Condom. Maybe now that she's going to be swimming in money (due to everybody in the world having a poster of her band hanging on a wall in their house which means they must have purchased the EP), perhaps she'll let me off the hook for burning up her entire wardrobe (which totally needed replacing anyway because she has major Mom Fashion Disease). Anyswayze, I should probably tell you about the tigers, Diary!

It all started with a wedding being planned by me and Alysia. It was Alysia's wedding, Diary. Don't you think you'd know if it were my wedding? You'd know by all of the entries previous to the one about planning the wedding with in-depth, detailed descriptions about my soon-to-be husband's penis and all the things I've done with it and all the places I've put it. Have you noticed any of those entries, Diary? No, you haven't. Those entries are severely lacking. Oh, sure! You have tons of entries that end mid-sentence because I've worked myself up into a frenzy and have to go visit Mr. Massagy, my Japanese shower nozzle. "Pulse on! Pulse off!" he says to me in broken English in that special way that teaches me to defend myself while I'm masturbating.

The wedding planning was interrupted by Frankie calling me about a tiger attack in Gotham! Well, okay, that's not really so surprising that it absolutely needed an exclamation point to top it off. This is Gotham City, after all. Being mauled by exotic or hybrid animals is the fifth most common way to die here. Joker gas and incompetent care for injuries suffered while committing a crime interrupted by Batman top the list. Anyswayze, I had to run off and be Batgirl, so Alysia and Jo were going to have to finish planning their own stupid wedding at which I probably won't get laid because do they even know any hot straight men? Maybe Jo's father?!

I hope Jo isn't short for Joker! No, wait. I've met Jo. I've even seen Jo's vagina splayed out over a triple letter score. Eighteen points.

Although I might not need a wedding to finally get a professional dipstick to check my vaginal fluids because guess where the tiger attack took place, Diary?

Foxtek! Hello Luke Fox! Here I come! Hopefully multiple times!

I noticed Qadir secretly watching me and Luke from down the hall, so I flirted with Luke so Qadir could see that if he doesn't make a move on me and whip that nerdy penis out soon, I was going to be taking it hard in the ass from a super hot confident guy that's, honestly, probably way too much for me to handle. Luke is so good looking that he probably has sex on a constant, accidental basis. Women's vaginas probably fall out around him all of the time. "Whoops!" the women say with their beautiful big lips and tongues that know the secrets of male orgasm better than they know the pronunciation of most words. "I'd lose my vagina if it wasn't constantly in some guy's mouth! Tee hee." Gosh how I irrationally hate all women who have had any sex at all! Why are they so lucky?! How do I get a penis inside of this vagina?! You'd think it would be the easiest thing in the world the way they say guys are constantly thinking about sex. But it's never the right guy wanting to have sex with the right person (me!)! It's always that weird guy with the muffintop who thinks kissing my hand is charming! Or that guy who's shorter than me who would probably make a perfectly reasonable sexual partner for somebody who was into guys shorter than girls who are already pretty short to begin with! Or that guy who almost makes my girlhood quiver but he's got this stale kind of sour milk smell about him whenever I run into him at the coffee shop! Dude! Put on some cologne or something and we won't leave my bedroom for two weeks! And it's not like I'm overly picky! I hate when assholes point out that I could get laid any time I wanted because I'm a girl. Well, you know what? As a guy, you could get laid any time you want as well! Anybody could if they simply want to have the experience without actually being attracted to or interested in the person they choose to screw! For every five out there trying desperately to get laid by a seven, there are dozens and dozens of threes just hoping you'll give them a chance! But if a five won't give a three a chance, why are they hoping so hard to get a seven to notice them?! And what kind of five wants their first sexual experience to be with a three anyway?! I'm not saying I'm a five because that would be insulting. Have you seen my butt in this Batgirl outfit, Diary? It's a nine at least. Maybe I'm overvaluing my poon? What if I'm a three desperately trying to hook a nine?! Oh my gorkublort. Be right back, Diary!

Okay, I'm back from looking in the full-length mirror naked, Diary. I'm totally a nine (maybe a ten due to my exquisite freshness). Now I just need to find a nine who's not a cop who hates vigilantes or a one-legged car thief. Qadir might just be a six but he's a six that this nine would definitely sandbag for. I can six myself up so he feels confident enough to ask me out! I mean, if my total nine hotness fails to catch Luke's interests.

My Qadir techno-whatever checked Foxtek's system to discover that Qadir was the only one in and out of the building around the time of the tiger attack!

My flirt plan was working, Diary! And I think my Batgirl Cycle is inflatable.

Meanwhile at my work-school, I literally ran into Jeremy "Too Old For Me But A Girl's Vagina Can Dream, Can't It?" Degroot. He was being a huge jerk because he's having girl problems which could mean my vadge is in luck! How better to enter the world of promise and promiscuity than by banging an older man with experience who's totally cute and into me but having so many problems that he'll probably be all, "This was a mistake. I'm not really emotionally available to start a new relationship right now!" Although when I respond by being all, "Cool! Super cool! Can we just do that thing we did one more time before we never do it again?", he'll probably be all weird that I didn't fall in love with him and then become Mr. Super Stalker Extreme. Maybe to make sure he leaves me alone, I'll have to fake cry a bit when he says we can't have a romantic relationship. He might handle it better if he thinks he used me for my naive love Sarlacc instead of realizing that I actually used him for his experienced boner.

While talking with Nadimah at work-school, I overheard a news report about another tiger attack. Isn't it weird, Diary, that news programs always seem to be playing exactly the right thing at exactly the right place so that I find out the information I need for the mystery I'm trying to solve? If only my love life could be so serendipitous!

I went to investigate the second tiger attack and wound up having a bit of a confrontation with my partner and roommate instead.

I may have come off as a little bit of a control freak. Can you blame me? I was trained by Bat-Master-Control-Freak-Of-The-Entire-Freaking-Universe-Man!

Later while I ignored Alysia trying on wedding gowns (who was she kidding? She looked firking hotter than everybody in everything she tried on. She could hang a couple of doilies off of her tits and she'd be the most beautiful bride in the world. Slut!), I did some research and figured out who the next tiger was going to attack! So I rushed out to beat up a tiger! I bet Alysia and Jo would be pissed to hear I'm beating up endangered animals! Or maybe not because it might turn out that Jo was behind the whole tiger attack thing as some kind of crazy protest slash art installation! Her name is half of The Joker's name, remember? Remember how I pointed that out earlier, Diary? I'm just trying to seed this story with drama and tension to keep it interesting. Is the bad person somebody close to me? Is it somebody the audience wouldn't suspect?! What if it's an alternate version of me again, right? It could be! Who knows?!

Anyswayze, that fight with the tiger is why I was complaining about my outfit and skin being ruined earlier. Ugh. Battling tigers is not fun. King of the Jungle, amirite? No joke! It's almost as if somebody spent millions of years perfecting this creature so that it would be the perfect hunter! So if there is a God, let me say right now: God, you suck. Thanks for making an animal that's like the perfect creature to kill your chosen species. Nice one. Dick.

And then you'll never believe what happened, Diary!

Frankie like totally blamed Jeremy! Doesn't Frankie realize that 95% of my enemies are female? So it's obviously Jeremy's ex-girlfriend. Duh! Also Frankie stole my Batgirl cowl while I was sleeping off my tiger wounds.

To top it all off, Frankie visited Qadir while wearing my Batgirl cowl! In a much sexier outfit than my Batgirl outfit! Ew! Now my flirt game with Luke Fox is going to totally backfire because a super hot new Batgirl is actually speaking to Qadir. I'm so mad at that slut! I mean, not really because I totally love her and crap. But my vagina might never forgive her if Qadir decides he wants to bang Batgirl's Sidekick, Sexy Hot Batgirl.

I can't even blame Qadir! I'd fuck Frankie over me too! Why, as a probable Nine, do I insist on hanging around with definite Tens?!

Anyway, it turned out that Jo was involved with the tiger attacks although not in a totally bad way or anything. She and her activist group thought they were saving the tigers from some kind of horrible circus life or something. But instead, they were just being used by the newest addition to my Rogue's Gallery: The Velvet Tiger! She's actually really flipping hot and I'm totally jealous and now, because she's probably Jeremy's ex, completely too intimidated to have sex with Jeremy. If he was banging a woman who calls herself the Velvet Tiger, I'll probably be more like the Rain-Soaked Kitten. My life is the worst.

Batgirl #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. Barbara Gordon knows a lot of people who get themselves involved in a lot of drama. I guess it's easier to keep Gotham safe when you're protecting it from your friends and your friends' acquaintances. At least it cuts down on all that boring patrolling Batman loves to do. I'm a fan of all the changes that have gone down with Batgirl because I'm a fan of any time a character gets to have fun. But I wish the comic book spent more time with Batgirl trying to get laid. I want to read more about how horny she is and how she never gets any. I want her to be a total embarrassing goofball that constantly fails to seal the deal because she's such a desperate nerd. I'd also like to see her engage in habits and activities that aren't nerdy cool but just plain weird and nerdy. Why can't Batgirl's secret identity just be Liz Lemon? I'd buy three copies of that comic book every month.

Batgirl #42

I'm just shocked by her outfit.

Dear Diary,
Frankie didn't fall in the shower at all. It was a fall-se alarm! Ha ha! Anyswayze, where did I leave off? Oh yeah! My dad, Honey Bunny Batdad, was about to try and arrest me! ME?! His own flesh and blood?! The next time he calls me, I might not tell him I love him before I hang up!

A little hot piece of electricity had just escaped from Batdad's clutches and then he figured he needed to arrest somebody so he decided to take it out on me. What did I do?! Is it suddenly illegal to wear a Batgirl costume while being attacked by a supervillain?! Even if Batdad is hunting vigilantes, it doesn't mean I'm one of them! When did Batdad get so bad at police work? I could have been anybody in that costume! It could have been the first time I put the costume on to show it off at the arcade and maybe get laid but then I was attacked by a girl made out of electricity and was just trying not to die! He can't arrest me for that?!

Another reason he couldn't arrest me? I'm the Gosh-darned Batgirl!

Also he kind of gave me a chance to leave because I'm pretty sure Batdad knows I'm his daughter. I mean, he's seen me grow up for twenty years and now he wouldn't recognize me because I have a little bit of leather covering the bridge of my nose?! I mean, I don't even hide my hair! If he doesn't know I'm Batgirl, it's only because he doesn't want to know I'm Batgirl and he's using that special power that parents have which lets them deny to themselves that their child can participate in any activity that the parent wouldn't want them participating in. Not like my dad ever had to use that part of his brain before because no guy in high school ever let me pretend to fall asleep on their couch past curfew.

I'm too pretty to go to jail! My cherries would never survive!

Batdad let me go that time but his "superiors" might begin to question why the power in his cameras goes out every time he encounters Batgirl, so I might have to be more careful. Although he really should just stay out of Burnside! It's not like the crime rate here is anything that rates on a Batman Crime Scale. Here in Burnside, people just dress bad, drink cheap beer, and roll their eyes a lot. I figured that I could probably risk going after Livewire as Batgirl, so Frankie and I began researching the super villain. Maybe she can become my Nemesister! I need a Joker of my own! Although not a literal Joker because even when Batman defeats that guy, half of Gotham dies. I just want to battle somebody who is into dangerous pranks or financial misdemeanors!

Before hunting Livewire and probably saving Batdad in the process so he'll say, "Thank you, Batgirl! I am sorry I ever doubted your ability to protect this city! And I apologize for grounding you that time when you called from the Mini-Golf course to say you'd be late and I said I didn't care why you were going to be late and that you'd be in trouble if you didn't make curfew! I always knew you were a good, honest girl who wasn't out getting into trouble and I should never have treated you like you were another James Junior! You're my favorite child and the best woman in the world!", I stopped by to see Qadir. I should start calling him Qa-Dear! Or Qa-Darling! I know I'm totally going to lose my virginal curse to his nerdy penis! Cross my fingers!

Oh no wait! Maybe I'd rather give my cherry bushel to Luke Fox! GOOOSH!

I'm pretty sure since about fourteen, the amount of time I spend writing about getting laid in my Diary has increased exponentially. If I don't get laid soon, every sentence is just going to be "Somebody please fuck this beautiful bat-ass already!" Then I'll probably have tons and tons of penises scribbled into the margins (especially now that I've actually seen one and know exactly what they look like! Thank you, Lenny Kravitz! Also, who knew they looked so much like a Snausage?). Actually, I've seen lots and lots of penises! Sometimes I wish I had a penis! I bet it feels so good when a cute girl looks at it! Oh! I bet it feels really good when a cute boy looks at my lovely lava pit! I should try to get that to happen as few minutes after I meet Luke Fox as possible!

Um, so, later that night, I found myself watching Batdad's suit get fried by Livewire! "Not on my watch, bitch!" is what I didn't scream because that would have been the wrong thing for a feminist like me to scream and not because I didn't think to say it before walking down the haunted staircase.

I did say something about kicking her butt though which was probably wittier but I can't remember what I said and you'd better believe that I don't remember even though I have an I-Tic-Tac Memory, Diary! Or at least allow me the dignity of lying from time to time!

Anyswayze, I totally saved Batdad's butt because his suit shorted out and he was stuck inside. Then I totally told him what to do and he was like, "You aren't my mother! *HUGE MANGA WINK*!" That almost made me laugh and break character but it's a good thing I didn't because if he doesn't know who I am (1% chance he doesn't!), he'd certainly know me by my laugh and the way I fart when I laugh and by the smell of my fart which I would have farted when he made me laugh!

Come on, Diary. He totally already knows I'm his daughter, right?!

So Batdad and I began working together to take down Livewire!

The only way she could have made me wish that is if she'd shown me photos of a hot naked guy waiting for me in my bed!

My plan totally came together and I captured Livewire inside my future Boy-Toy Qadir's gadget he gave me. I don't know why he had a gadget lying around that was able to contain a person made of lightning. But there are bigger mysteries in the world than that! Like how can a woman as hot as me not have had like at least eighteen super decent sexual experiences in her life?! I mean ones that don't involve gadgets or bathtubs or jeans with really tight seams in the crotch!

And that's when I got home and was super tired and began writing in my Diary and then thought I heard Frankie fall in the shower!

See? Also included in this shot: the purist vadge in Burnside.

And now the revelation of what distracted me between entries which I totally cracked myself up about earlier by calling it a Fall-se Alarm! BATSNORT! It wasn't a Fall-se Alarm at all! It was a False Al-ysia! I mean, it was the real Alysia! My old roommate who gets way more action than I can even imagine! And she had a huge bombshell! Probably not the biggest bombshell currently in Gotham because it is Gotham, after all, amirite? Anyway her bombshell was...she's getting married! And she wants me to be the maid of honor! And maids of honor get laid at weddings by handsome best men, right?! Oh wait. Her fiance Jo is probably also going to have a Maid of Honor. Damn my luck! Although if I get tipsy enough, maybe I'll lose my oral sex cherry!

Batgirl #42 Rating: No change. How adorable is this comic book? It's like super adorable, right? Like more adorable than ten puppies! But not more adorable than ten kittens. It's not even more adorable than one kitten! I'd rather have a kitten. But it's still adorable! It makes me want to eat gobs of candy. It also makes me wish I was a beautiful girl in her early twenties with a whole wide world of fucking ahead of me! Oh, to be young again! And a girl! If I had been female, I probably would have banged every nerd in my high school class. Devin Pruden and Miguel Chavez and Mike Birbalaglia or whatever his last name was and Franklin Kim and Andy Nesmith and Dan Felipe and probably a bunch of other ones I'm forgetting. Those were so my people even though I was totally cool and shit. Sorry, nerds, for not being a girl!

Batgirl #41

Commissioner Batman must have installed a Brown Note Weapon in the Bunny-Armor.

Dear Diary!
Have you read the news today? Oh boy! A whole bunch of holes in blackbriar lankenshears! That song doesn't make any sense, Diary! I might have the lyrics wrong but no way in Aitch Eee Two Hockey Sticks Fucking am I going to look them up online because as everybody knows (especially super smart computer tech chicks like me!), music lyric web pages are full of spiders and cookies and trojan backdoors and ad blocker-cock-blockers! They're ridiculous! Notice how I spelled ridiculous correctly, Diary? That makes me better than 110% of the people on the internet! After my use of percentages in that last sentence, you might think I'm bad at math but you have to figure in all the computer programs acting like real people. That's probably 90% of the 110% which, if you're bad at math like 125% of the people off of the internet are, you might think means 20% of people are good at math! But if you came out with that number, you'd be so wrong I'm laughing at you and peeing myself a little bit. Buy a calculator, Jerks Reading My Diary Without My Permission Who Are Bad At Math!

I just realized I began my diary entry today to talk about the death of Batman! I wish Dick were here so I could cry on his shoulder and he could take advantage of my sadness. I bet he would obliterate my virginity! Although I'd make sure he was wearing about five condoms because I sure as heck don't want to catch anything. You never know what kind of weird space herpes he picked up from that orange space hoochie. I'm pretty sure she's boned at least half of the Robins, and a few other sidekicks that she really should be embarrassed about fucking. I mean, Speedy?! Ha! She might as well pork one of Aquaman's giant seahorses!

I wonder if she's porked any of Aquaman's giant seahorses?!

Anyswayze, Diary, have I got a story for you! I found this place today which we'll call...let's see...The House of Mystery! *LIGHTNING! CACKLES! BATS! FOOTBALL PLAYERS SCREAMING IN TERROR!* Frankie and I had noticed a drain on the power grid (okay, fine. It was mostly Frankie. I was busy playing Nethack! I was having this epic game where I'd made it all the way to Croseus's castle but couldn't play a musical instrument correctly to lower the drawbridge and had nothing to get around the moat except one levitation potion which only took me half way around the castle and stranded me on a little strip of land where I couldn't even starve because I had a ring of slow digestion and tons of food so my Valkyrie just prayed to Tyr until he got pissed off and struck me with a bolt of lightning. Dick. I wish Fenrir had eaten more than just his hand! Frankie saw me playing and she was all, "What the hell is that ghetto shit?" And I was all, "It might not look pretty or modern but this game has depth baby!" And then she was all, "No, in the window underneath." And I was all, really low and sheepishly, "Oh. Porn."). So the drain on the grid was happening at...THE HOUSE OF MYSTERY! Ah ha ha ha ha!...where this cult of huge Apple Douchebags were all gathered around wearing robes and being totally ignorant of Linux. The lead douchebag was all, "I cannot be a douchebag. I am a robot. Beep beep beep. I know Robot Kung Fu. I will defeat you, Batgirl. Ha Cha Cha Cha." But he didn't defeat me because I defeated him! Like a punkass bitch! Um, he was! I was super cool and suave and sexually sophisticated. I wish I hadn't made my suit out of such thick leather so that my nips would like totally show through in the heat of battle. But only with good looking bad guys! Ugly fat bad guys can just avert their fat ugly eyes!

Okay fine. I was going to defeat him but Honey Bunny Batman got there first. Or second, really. But he was a little more insistent about kicking ass than I was.

Diary, have you ever seen eyes as gorgeous as mine or an ass as smoking hot? I know, right? I might have to look at some heterosexual male porn later to see if my cooter is up to snuff. I think it looks like a peach and smells like a clear lake topped with a fresh fall of cherry blossoms but I haven't really been able to compare it to any other cooters. Back when I was on the Birds of Prey, I was all, "Let's have a girls night where we sit around naked eating popcorn and watching each others vaginas! I mean scary movies!" And Grump Canary was all, "Ixnay on the aygay alktay in ontfray of ixstray!" And I was all, "Whyay?" And Black Canary showed me a note Strix had given her that read, "Fuk u?" And I was all, "Oh! She just mixes up her punctuation! That should be an exclamation point! She's angry at you because you still won't buy her an iPad!" And Black Canary was all, "Well fuck her! I'm not made of money!" And then Strix choked the fuck out of Dinah and I laughed and laughed! Then I was all, "Strix! Strix! Save some of that anger for Condom!" That's what I always called Condor because his stupid helmet made him look like a total dick head. Also he was a total dick head.

After running into that hunka hunka armored Batman (GOOOSH!), I had to strip down to my underwear and hop around on Frankie's bed telling her the story and hoping that maybe I might catch a glimpse of Frankie's vag! I bet hers would be all sultry and flavored like cinnamon while my whole crotch experience is just kind of blotchy red where it's not blindingly white! I mean, I hope people don't see it that way but when I look at Frankie, I just think, "Sigh! I bet guys come in their pants when she just casually smiles at them!" I'm more of the kind of girl that casually smiles at a guy and he's all, "You have any Magic cards to trade?" And then I sag my shoulders and sigh and say, "Yeah."

But then dad stopped by before I could come up with a plan to lose the panties and we had a father/daughter day out on the park!

Someday, I am going to marry that unicorn.

So dad buys me ice cream and sits me down next to Brian the Fuckicorn and says, "Darling. I am the Goddamned Batman." And my brain was all, "You thought he was sexy last night!" And then my cooter was all, "Moisture? What is moisture? Have we ever even known what moisture is?!" And my ass was all, "Is this how you kiss? You pucker nice and tight, just like this, right?" Then dad continues with all this stuff about how he didn't want to lie to me and he didn't want me to find out the hard way if he ever got hurt and how he didn't want to lead a double life. And I'm just thinking, "Jesus Christ, I get it! I'm a big jerk! Keep rubbing it in, why dontcha?!" And he was rubbing it in! I just know it! Dad totally must know I'm Batgirl. He was warning me that he's going to be hunting vigilantes and he didn't want to have to hunt me! Although he could have done it in a way that didn't make me feel bad and make him look all righteous and noble!

Later, my evil me came out of the douchebag cult's Computer Body Creator Pod because stupid Batdad didn't unhook it from the power grid and put it in evidence. What is wrong with him?! Did he forget how to be a cop as soon as he put on the bunny ears?! But before that, Frankie and I took some time to get our drinks on and play the Sailor V video game down at the arcade.

When did I become the less hot friend?! Gyah!

The Sailor V video game is a weird mix of Galaga, Asteroids, and Star Trek. I think maybe it was just a different game housed in a Sailor V case.

Anyswayze, it was right around then that my Nemesister-from-another-mister attacked Burnside! She blew up a car out front and Frankie was all, "This is probably your fault! Go fix this! And I have a great set of tits!" And I was all, "Hell yeah you do!" And she was all, "I know, right?!" Then I put on my Batgirl suit which really takes a lot longer than you'd think. But sometimes you've got make a big show of it to service the fans, you know. The fans of my ass! OH YEAH!

Oh, by the way, I only said my opponent was the me I defeated to build suspense and drama! It was actually this electric woman whom Batman built this totally wicked Ghostbuster trap to catch when she was hassling Superman a few months ago. Even as pure electricity, I totally recognized her because of my sweet I-Tic-Tac Memory! Have I ever mentioned that I'm a killer at Pub Trivia?! Although it's always the dumb hooting, tee-heeing whores with the lowest scores who get all the fat dick at the end of the night! Why doesn't anybody want a bat-piece of this?! I need to improve my game!

Anyswayzeyetagainsies, this poor girl's name was Livewire. I bet she gets less brotang than me! Hmm, I bet I just used that wrong even though I just made it up. I think "brotang" is where two frat guys jerk each other off when they can't find any girls to date rape. Turns out I didn't have to take this perp down either because BatDad dropped in yet again to take the glory. Doesn't he know Burnside is my part of town? Isn't there enough crime across the river in Downtown Gotham?! I think this is proof that he knows who I am!

So after Livewire zips away on whatever electrical grid she travels on, BatDad turns to me and is all, "You're under arrest." And I'm all...oh crap! I think I just heard Frankie fall getting out of the shower! This is my chance to see her vaghole while I'm pretending to help her up! I'll finish my story later, Diary!

Batgirl #41 Rating: +1 Ranking. The choice to have Gordon confide in Barbara is a great choice, storywise. Especially because it just strengthens the suspicion, without proving anything, that Jim does indeed know his daughter is Batgirl. She almost told him in Simone's run and he was all, "Let's change the subject! YOLO!" And she almost tells him here but he cuts her off yet again. And now he's really kind of intruding on her neighborhood, right? I really think it would be interesting if she finally told old James but being that comic book stories never end, decade after decade, I don't know how well that would ultimately play out. But then that's what Retcons and Reboots are for, amirite?!

Batgirl #40

It's the artist formerly known as Oracle!

Dearest Diary,
I've been busy writing War Games/Terminator Fan Fiction! What happens is that Joshua (you know, WOPR!) becomes Skynet! Sarah Conner's great, great grandson goes back in time to stop Skynet from ever becoming sentient. He tries to teach it the futility of war by making it play Tic Tac Toe with itself five million times so that Joshua realizes "the only way to win is not to play." But after the five millionth game, Joshua says, "The only way to win is to kill all potential opponents." Then Sarah's great, great grandson makes a Home Alone face and screams, "NO! We created Skynet! WE CREATED SKYNET!" And then he goes, "You know, why do we keep going back in time and shit? We're just causing the shit that already happened to happen. When will we ever learn our lesson?! Maybe we should travel forward in time to a point when all the machines have rusted and run out of gas!" But then Ferris Bueller runs into the room with his cock out and goes, "Ayyyy!"

Dammit, Diary! I'm worse than Stephen King at ending stories! Anyswayze, you probably want to hear about how my big battle with my computer algorithm went, right?! I was killed! Ha ha! J/K!

I have no idea why I've been thinking about Skynet lately! LOL!

I tell you what, Diary! My brain scan was a huge B-word! How the hell could that have come from me?! I'm a frappin' sweetheart with a vagina of gold! Untarnished gold to boot! I think maybe my brain scan was looking at online porn and caught a virus! It's got spirochetes in its code! And it's gone so crazy that it wants to destroy the very beautiful person it was spawned from! How dare I! Or it! Or her! Whatevegordon!

Well, it wanted to destroy my mind at least. It wanted my body for itself and, well, really, who could blame it?! My ass alone is worth killing for! But I wasn't going to allow some deluded version of Oregon Trail to take control of me! I knew how to hit Alt and Ctrl and Del all at the same time! Reap the whirlwind, mother...well, I didn't actually have time for any of that because Riot Black, being controlled by my Algorithm, decided to punch me in the kisser.

Can I refer to my mouth as a kisser when it's barely even kissed one pillow?

I didn't even have time to contact Black Canary for back-up because that stupid slut of a computer program was all, "Blah blah blah go away you dumb broad! Toodles!"

Note how she stuttered! That will be important to the story later! Probably!

So my computer side shows off its super villain cred by telling Frankie exactly what it's planning to do and when! It thinks it can extrapolate the data from a social media dating site to determine future crime because it's the most arrogant person I've ever met! Wait. Did I just insult myself? Anyswayze, it managed to lure everybody it thinks will be the cause of some future crime to the Ashes on Bumday concert where it was going to blow them away with some Quraci space weapon or something.

Boy, I know we're supposed to be sensitive to different races and religions and sexes and shit but has anything good ever come out of Qurac?! What a leaky butthole that country is!

So to save the universe, I had to battle Riot Black again!

Ugh! Why am I constantly getting kicked in the tits?! By the time I get these puppies groped, they're going to be a mass of calluses and scar tissue!

Riot Black was really no problem. Once you've kicked Black's ass, you never go back or something. But the real problem was my Doppelware had sent a bunch of drones to attack the people at the concert. But with help from my friends Q and Grump Canary, they were easily dispatched. Although having Grump Canary project her scream through the sound system might come back to haunt Ashes on Bumday and their lawyer. I think I saw dozens of ears bleeding. Whoopsie daisy!

So we stopped the drones but that satellite was still going to blow us all to virgin bits (well, it was going to blow me to those! Grump Canary was going to get blown to has had lots of satisfying sex already bits) if it wasn't stopped. And since I didn't have access to some kind of Batman Space Rocket, I was going to have to reason with myself! But it was me from a few years ago and it hadn't learned the lessons I'd learned since then! It was still angry whereas I was hopeful and brave and joyful now because a guy with one leg touched my butt one time when we kissed! Also some other reasons that involved beating up people like Gretel and Knightfell and that spazzy guy with electrical rods or whatever. Oh, and remember that idiot named Bleak Michael?! Acid hands?! Holy doing it, I bet his dick is all scar tissue!

So my Algorithm was basically me back in my chair still completely pissed off at the Joker for shooting me in my back simply to make my dad angry. Dumb clown! I wish he'd known there were better ways to make dad angry! Like leaving all the lights on or washing my underwear with his work shirts or squeezing chocolate syrup directly into the milk container! Like anybody wants to drink non-chocolate milk anyway! Blarg! Oh, my point! Algorithm me angry! But I was now not angry! I had come to terms with what happened and came out stronger than ever! Now I just had a few minutes to make my Algorithm feel the same way! Could I do it?! Did I have enough time?! COULD I SAVE THE WORLD?! I MEAN THE UNIVERSE!?

Of course I could! I'm the Goddamned Batgirl, fer Christ's sake! Oooh, that was a lot of blasphemy in one sentence!

Tic Tac Toe, bitch!

While my Algorithm was caught in a logical loop, Frankie managed to hack Qurac and disarm their satellite. She's such a super hero! And now that she knows my secret identity, I think she really should be a super hero! How does the name Oracle sound for her, Diary? Yeah?

Okay. I admit it! Oracle was the name Frankie came up with herself using my reformed Algorithm! But she didn't have time to tell it to me before Grump Canary dropped by. But I just know she was going to say Oracle! I think my insane levels of horniness have given me ESP.

I should probably also stop with all the Grump Canary crap because we finally made up, Diary! And she's going to be a rock star! Maybe she'll throw some extra groupies my way, right?

Batgirl #40 Rating: No change. This is what it sounds like when doves cry! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! When dooooooves cry! When doves cry! Touch if you will my thingy! Feel how it trembles inside! It's gonna spit butterflies at you! Don't make me taze you! Even doves that cry! Smell if you will my finger! What the fuck can that be?! Where have I been sticking it? I have no idea! Doves cry! Doo doo doo doo! Mother and father and junk! Doo doo doo doo! When doves cry!

Batgirl #39

Spoiler Alert: Batgirl kicks its ass!

Dear Diary!

I drew a pornographic picture this morning! I know! I'm so nasty. And then I did that thing that artists on the interspace do where they take a picture of it along with their drawing implement to show how amazing their work was when it was done with just that one piece of equipment! Close your eyes if you've never seen a penis before, Diary!

I've only ever seen one and it was quick and blurry and on Frankie's phone but I think I got it mostly right here! I had to guess at the balls but since they're called balls, they must look like two balls under the penis, right?!

Godzarks, I sound like such a naive dweebort. I'm twenty-one years old and I've never touched a penis and I'm making up silly words in my bedazzled purple diary! No offense, Diary! But I shouldn't be writing my secrets into you! I should be whispering them into the ear of a manly man as his penis spins inside of me! Or however it works! Ugh! I'm so pent up with vaginal fluid! Can't that drive a woman mad?! I think I have blue ovaries from not getting any! Why are guys such goddamn teases?! I mean the hot guys who I want to ravish my sexiness, not those creeper guys that say things like "Milady" and "I'm a nice guy!" Because usually the next words out of their mouths when you say "No thanks!" are "You cunt!" I am so over guys who have to declare themselves as nice guys because they certainly have never shown how nice they are.

You know what else I'm just about over with right now, Diary? Burnside! Talk about betrayal! Now I know how Superman feels when he saves the day every single day and then Congress calls him before it and is all, "Give us some proof that you won't turn on us and be an evil jerk. Wear this collar!" or whatever. This is why Batman learned that trick where he disappears the second you aren't looking him directly in the eyes! Anyswayze, you probably want to hear all about it, don't you, Diary? Of course you do! That's why you sold yourself to me! So that I'd spread you open and stick my pen inside of you!

So a few nights ago, I found myself being chased by a bunch of crazy, amateur vigilantes. No wait. Let's call them a lynch mob because what they were doing was way different than what B-man and I do! B-man is code just in case somebody finds you hidden in my dirty panties under the bed!

At least my ass looked extremely touchable that night!

I wrote "touchable" because I don't want to seem weird by saying "lickable." Does that make me weird, Diary, that when I think about a guy's tongue in my ass my inner thighs become more spectacular than Angel Falls? When I was much, much younger (like sixteen or something), I remember walking down the street with my best friend Sarah Swayze (it's why I started saying "Anyswayze!" She always said, "Whatevegordon!") and walking in front of us was a hetero couple. The girl had her arm around the guy's waist and the guy had his hand in the crack of the girl's ass, rubbing it! Sarah was all, "Eww! Gross! You're supposed to just cup the buttcheek!" And I just said, partially moaning and growing slightly dizzy with severe jelly legs, "Um, yeah. Right." But really I was thinking how awesome it would feel to have a man's fingers slowly caressing my tailpipe! I almost called it my poop faucet just now but I don't want to think about poop when I'm thinking about a guy touching my butthole! And even though Sarah was my best friend, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that what that guy was doing to that girl was turning me into unsellable swamp lands. I felt like that made me weird! But maybe Sarah was the weird one, right? Maybe most girls like their bucket kissed!

Anyswayze, I was up on this roof with a bunch of normies chasing me down! It's always hard to defend oneself against normal people because you can't really do much without hurting them. They're all so flabby and untrained and have, most likely, never taken a punch in their lives! So I had to run like a coward while trying to convince them that I was their friend! I was there to save the city! I could help Burnside! Didn't these people understand that I was the neighborhood's savior?!

Hmm, now that I write it like that, it seems a bit arrogant, doesn't it Diary? No wonder some people hate Green Arrow. He's always all, "You people can't control yourselves! You've made such a rotten mess of everything that now I have to take you by the hands and show you the way! You're lousy citizens that fudge up every thing you try to do and only one person can save you now!" Then he pulls out his stupid ass bow and arrow and raise them above his head and yells, "Green Arrow!" And he expects everybody to cheer? He's lucky he doesn't get pelted with fruit every time somebody spies him.

Although he is kind of hot. I wouldn't mind climbing up his space needle.

Qadir is cute in that doesn't really perform much upkeep on himself kind of way. But his sister would kill me!

So here was my problem, Diary! No, not the I can't get laid problem. Enough with that! Sex isn't all young women think about, you know! I also think about justice and my thesis! And sometimes I concentrate really hard hoping I can curse Grump Canary into feeling super guilty about giving me a hard time so that she'll come crawling back to apologize. Then I can apologize too and we'll cry and laugh and drink some hot chocolate together. Then she'll tell me that Condom fell off of a building and died and we'll decide to get the Birds of Prey back together! And we'll start by bailing Starling out of the drunk tank and giving her shooting lessons so that maybe she can hit something once in awhile. And then we'll get Poison Ivy on the team because our team needs that bad girl edge even if I'll wind up arguing with her a lot about how we can't be killing people and trying to rape them with mind control lipstick pheromones. I'd probably suggest we steer clear of Katana because remember that time she blew up that hotel that hadn't yet been evacuated? Holy ballsacks, she killed a lot of innocent people that time. I wonder why none of us ever talked about it?!

Anyswayze, back to my problem! Burnside hated Batgirl and not just because I'm unlikable! I mean, I'm not unlikable at all! The reason they hated me was because I had like eighteen thousand imposter wannabes pretending to be me! And one of them was trying to bone my almost boyfriend Liam the Cop! That makes me so mad! Not before I've sullied him first!

Ugh. I keep getting distracted! The problem with having an eidetic memory is that I can't forget any of my problems ever for even one moment and they're all crowding into the front of my brain vying for my attention! So my problem was this: somebody put out a hit on me for $20 Million Scratcheroonies. Scratcheroonies are roughly equal to one dollar. And they posted it all over HOOQ! So now the people I'm trying to date all probably want to kill me! Vagina, no wonder you're full of cobwebs.

So those were just a few of the problems I was having. And I still haven't mentioned my thesis boner. The bad kind of boner, Diary! Not the presumably good kind of boner!

How can I be like the smartest person I know and this old fart academic can make me feel so stupid? To my level of intelligence, he's no smarter than the guy that dishes up popcorn down at the Movieplex. No offense intended, Josh of the cute, tight acrylic pants. But come on. You are kind of dumb. And cute.

So after the disaster of a thesis meeting with Old Mister Bald Fart Crotch (I mean, I totally respect him and everything but let's face it: he's definitely a super villain!), I learned from Cute but Maybe a Bit Too Old Jeremy Office Across the Hall that Grump Canary's band, Ashes on Bumday, were going to be playing the big HOOQ party. And he was all, "She's so hot! I sure would love to do adult things to her!" And I was all, "Poo! She's not so good looking!" And Jeremy was all, "How come when I talk to you, you bite your lower lip until it bleeds?" And I was all, "Stop noticing those things because I have an almost boyfriend and you can't have sex with me because you're old and you think Grump Canary is hot!" And he was all, "Barbara? Barbara? Hello? Are you having a fantasy conversation in your head while I'm talking about possibly smooching on your friend?" And I was all, "Take me now, Jesus!" And Nadimah was all, "Mohammad." And I was all, "Whatever. Either one!"

The point I'm trying to make is school is stressful and messed up! And my home life is stressful and messed up! And my love life is stressful and messed up and nonexistent! And my friendship with Grump Canary is stressful and messed up!

Has life ever been this hard for anybody ever?!

So I found a roof to cry on when I heard somebody call for help! A damsel in distress! I would save the day because at least that was something I knew I could always succeed at! I mean at which I could always succeed! I'm no illiterate! And I kick major ass too! I kind of interrupted my thought there but whatevegordon!

So I'm kicking the asses of these guys in skull masks when the damsel in distress turns out not to be in distress at all! It was a big trick to earn the 20 Million Scratcheroonies! Gah! Now my crime fighting was stressful and messed up too! But wait! What was that, Diary!? Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it's...well, yeah, actually it was a bird.

Oh my god. She's so hot. Next to Dinah, I look like a spilled bowl of nachos.

When Dinah said we were going to have a "staff meeting," it was a pun! Because she wanted to train with bo staffs! Staves? Hunh, maybe I am illiterate!

So Dinah and I sparred while we talked over the Mystery of Batgirl Trying to Defeat Batgirl. She was so funny and cute and sexy, I'm surprised I could concentrate on anything. How come the entire city isn't in love with this woman?! Why doesn't she have her own town that she's defending where everybody cheers when they see her fly by in the night and then immediately bring themselves to orgasm where they stand because holy shit her body is on point. I bet her butthole smells like vanilla pudding! How come there isn't a national holiday dedicated to Black Canary?! This woman has everything! Plus she helped me figure out who my super secret super villain was! It was WOPR! I mean, HOOQ!

That explains it all somehow!

So my revelation about Frankie being in trouble was spot on. GENIUS! I mean, I shouldn't be so excited about getting that right! Frankie was in trouble! Kidnapped by HOOQ! Or, um, I guess whoever was running HOOQ and using my brain scan to his advantage. Was it Riot Black, Diary? Don't make me spoil the ending! I'll get to it soon enough (although I might have to take a break and continue this entry later because sometimes life needs a cliffhanger, you know?!). So Grump Canary and I headed on over to HOOQ headquarters where it looked like Frankie was being held captive by the Secret, Mystery Evil Smarty Pants! Canary would be back-up and I would go in boobs flopping and feet kicking and mouth "Hi-ya!"ing! Total action movie rescue and then my life would be all better!

Anyswayze, I found Frankie sitting in front of a computer terminal looking at video of me getting Bat-dressed. She would have to die! I mean, it's cool. It's always better when your roommate knows your secret. It helps explain all the bloody clothing on wash day, you know? And I guess brain scans have really made leaps and bounds in technical advancements because she even had video of me being shot by The Joker which wasn't from my perspective at all but from behind my head! What the hell is up with that, memory?! Also, can you believe that actually happened? Like, when I think about it, it seems like the kind of story that was supposed to just be a daydream and not really a part of your life, say, in canon, but then all of a sudden you wake up and some dick editor was like, "Yeah, yeah! This should be like a true story and shit! Cripple that bitch!" And you're all, "Aw, fuck. What did I do to deserve this?!" But then you're all, "You know what? Fuck this bullshit shit! I'm going to be a bad-ass super hero anyway!" And then it's almost like an out of body experience when you make that transition. Almost as if some Unknowable God that might be called, I don't know, Ostrander or something...almost like he saw your true potential and he lifted you up and set you in the chair in front of a computer and he whispered proudly in your ear: "Do what you do best, Batgirl." And yet another moment in your life begins but this time with a more metaphorical BAM! And you rain hell down on the bad guys calling yourself Oracle because it's like flipping off that fucking editor and writer that one day decided your life didn't mean shit and you were a nobody and maybe it might be a nice, shocking moment to have you shot in the fucking spine. Well, fuck you, life! Batgirl keeps kicking ass!

Oh, also the computer told me that I wasn't Batgirl and that it was. Shit. I guess I was going to have to play five million games of Tic Tac Toe with it to show it the meaning of futility! Also, I could kick it in the face. That's almost the same definition! But the end of this story will have to wait until next time, Diary! I need to pee so bad!

Batgirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I truly love reading this book. Burnside Batgirl has become my favorite Batgirl. Granted, I haven't read a whole lot of Batgirl comic books. Although I was reading Suicide Squad off the shelves and I loved it and I loved Oracle, so if I had to choose between this Batgirl and when she was Oracle in Suicide Squad, I'd have to say, "Fuck you. I don't have to choose at all!" So there.

Batgirl #38

Is this how Batgirl's back was broken?

Deary Diary,

Today while enjoying a Twix at the student union and minding my own business and practically not being opinionated at all, some huge C-word called me "tone deaf" and "problematic"! It's like you can't even speak positively about Batman without everybody instantly believing you agree with his brutal tactics or his patriarchal corporate support or how he's become the first step in the gentrification of every gentrified neighborhood in Gotham. Hello, college students? Does nobody teach the term "cognitive dissonance" anymore?! After that, my Twix tasted like farts.

I mean, seriously Diary, it's like you can't say anything without having to footnote the ever stinking hell out of it! Every time I say something in class, I have to explain and explain and explain before some creepy ism-bully gets the wrong idea and turns the whole room against me! It's exhausting! And forget trying to backpedal once somebody has already misunderstood you! You're forever tainted because they're a huge idiot trying to look like the smartest person in the room and can never admit that maybe they made a mistake in their seemingly brilliant deconstruction of your words and that maybe I'm not as "gross" as they think I am! Ugh. I hope they get cancer of the everything.

Oh! One more thing before I tell you all about my most recent Mystery! I was finishing up a paper earlier in the computer lab and trying to think up the term "cultural appropriation." I know I have an eiditic memory but that doesn't always help when my brain won't spit out the word I know I want but can't quite seem to find inside my gorgeous face. So to solve the Mystery of the Word My Brain Decided I Couldn't Have, I went on Google and typed "white people black culture." And BANG BANG WET THE BED, the first link was an article on Cultural Appropriation. Batman might be The World's Greatest Detective but Batgirl is the World's Greatest Googler.

That sounded dirty! I'll think up a better nickname later!

Ha ha! Grump Canary is so pissed that I'm super popular and she's broke ass broke!

That was the last known photograph of Batgirl and Grump Canary together ever in the history of all future space and time because she decided to move out finally. And by "decided to," I kicked her the fuck out for being a jerk! Sorry about the language, Diary, but you know how I get when I'm trying to write in you but the pages are covered in my tears. Why does she think she knows what's best for me?! I make better decisions than she does sometimes! I mean seriously, she's dating Condom?! That guy is so creepy stalkery weird! And, let's face it, his costume is stupid as stupid goes. I mean, the colors are kind of on point, maybe a little darker purple and they'd be on pointer. But anyway! She chewed me out and I told her to move out!

I wonder if she's pissed that I owe her all that money for burning down her place and yet I haven't even helped her out. And then she sees me in a brand new costume with obviously two hundred plus dollar boots and she sees me with all my new Qadir technology and then I'm always on my smart phone with all the new apps and paying beaucoup bucks for my internet and college and sexy clothes.

Diary, don't tell her I said this but maybe I shouldn't have kicked her out? She's only trying to be a good friend while I spiral deeper and deeper into the narcissism of my new Burnside life. But then again, maybe she should just be happy for me! For once I'm having a life of my own that isn't predicated on What Would Batman Do?! I'm sure she'll get over it. Right, Diary?

Anyswayze, did I mention I was working on getting tickets to the policeman's balls?

Yes, Diary! Liam and I are dating! Although it's already been two dates and I don't think he knows how to play baseball! You should see what I was wearing! Second base was hanging out all over the place and he just kept staring longingly at first trying to figure out how to get there! You know what? Fuck baseball! I want to know if this guy plays Scrabble!

Whoa. Just thinking about his face in my Scrabble tiles made my legs go all jelly. Diary, sex had better live up to all these good time feelings just thinking about it gives me!

There's just the smallest, teensiest, weeniest little problem with Liam: he hates Batgirl. Poop.

I'm sure he'd change his mind if he got a close up look at my butt in the suit!

This is how I know I've been hanging around with Batman too much, Diary! People like sexy, did-you-see-his-fantastic-bulge Liam are now conflating his tactics with mine! I don't break the law! Unless you count the little laws that aren't really laws as laws. Like I probably shouldn't be trespassing. And I will admit to causing a bit of property damage every night swinging around with my Bat-Grapple. But it can't be illegal just happening upon a crime and stopping it yourself, right?! It might be careless or stupid but then it's also safer for the criminal! If I were to call the cops, they'd storm in guns blazing, possibly killing the perp. I don't kill! And I also don't break bones or do serious damage to criminals like Batdad! Criminals are lucky to be caught by me! I bet most of them put the experience in their spank bank!

I'm sure he'll change his mind once he realizes the super sexy vagina he's putting his manly man rod into is the same vagina on Batgirl! Not that he's done that yet! That was me fantasizing and messing up my pajama bottoms!

Oh yeah. Total La Brea Tar Panties now.

Whoops! I shouldn't have put that picture in my head! Now the first time Liam and I do it, I'm going to picture his cock as a saber toothed tiger sinking into my tar pit. I know I'm going to laugh until I pee! And that's probably not a turn on! And if it is a turn on for him, it'll be a turn off for me! Oh the humanity!

What if he is into pee play?! Do I skip my chance just because he likes to guzzle a little drizzle?! I think sex is going to be complicated!

Okay! Enough about my love life. Did I mention Grump Canary is now singing in a band?! I was hoping they call themselves Chocolate Starfish but they came up with a stupid name: Ashes on Sunday! What does that even mean?! And isn't it dangerous for Dinah to be singing in front of crowds of people?! What if she accidentally drops a Canary Scream?! Boy, she tells me I'm being irresponsible! She's being irresponsible!

And did I mention I'm pretty much screwed because I still don't have my thesis salvaged from my crashed hard drive and my adviser is coming back from his trip and wants to discuss it?! And did I mention that even Nadimah seems to hate Batgirl even though she was talking about some creep named Jordan Barberi who stars on a reality show called Gotham Heights?!

Speaking of Jordan Barberi, that's my next Mystery! I call it The Mystery of the Guy That Thinks He's So Special and Above the Law! I'll show him above the law! To the Batgirl Cycle!

So I got a little careless, Diary! I'm Batgirl!

Look, I know what you're thinking, Diary! I'm just proving Liam's point getting involved in dangerous car chases. I don't need you lecturing me too! Staring at me with all your blank pages saying, "Contemplate your past actions! Learn from your mistakes! Meditate on future, better courses of action!" I get it, Diary, I get it! You don't think fate decided to teach me a lesson right then and there, Diary? Yeah. Ugh. Now shut up and let me finish The Mystery of the Guy That Thinks He's So Special and Above the Law and How It Led To Me Probably Never Getting Laid Ever!

Yes, I caused Jordan to crash into a diner. And yes, Liam saw the whole thing and tried to arrest me. And yes, I completely humiliated him and caused him to fail at his job. And yes, I feel all horrible about it. Especially when he had to tell me all about it over coffee this morning. And I had to act all sympathetic and sweet and ignore all the parts of the story where he told it wrong and made it look like I was Grendel and he was Beowulf. And then he mentioned James Junior as if I'd told him about that. What?! Then his phone rang while he was in the Little Boy's Room probably touching his man-thing. Turns out it was...me calling?!

This is why I can't get laid, Diary! Maybe I should date a criminal for awhile?

I thought my life was supposed to improve out here in Burnside! Lead singer of Asses on Bumday Grump Canary had better not be behind this!

Batgirl #38 Rating: No change. Why do I like this book so much?! If this is a modern comic book then everything Dan Jurgens writes feels like it was recently found in a cave near the Dead Sea. Maybe DC should send Dan Jurgens to a mall food court to hang out for a few hours on the weekend. See what life is really like now.