Batwoman Annual #2

Break me off a piece of that Kate Kane Bar!

Back in 2003, I took an airplane to Denver. I carried with me a sealed box that was about one foot square. I had not packed this box myself. I had no idea what was in the box. But it was part of my carry-on luggage and nobody fucking questioned me about it or its contents. I guess the TSA didn't give a shit about the mishmash of weird shit they must have seen inside it via their x-ray vision box. It was full of super hero buttons and magnets and weird toys and candy and at least one bottle of Pepsi Blue. I think the only reason I wasn't hassled about it was because I had no fucking clue it might be a problem. I also didn't put my toiletries in a Ziploc bag and I'm fairly certain my deodorant was way bigger than the limit. I probably also had some Disc Golf Discs which, I'm fairly certain, can be used to hijack a plane.

I mention this because I just thought about it and I think I probably should have asked the person who gave me the box of goodies what I was transporting across state lines. More importantly, I don't think the TSA really give a shit about anything.

This issue begins where Issue #35 left off before the flashback issues. Unless it was an issue other than #35. What am I? One of those editors that add smarmy boxes to the comic book with a stupid nickname attached to them? "See Issue #35--Tell-it-like-it-is Tess!"

The Unknowns have crashed back to Earth where they find themselves in a Gotham they no longer recognize. I think it has something to do with Morgaine using a Mystic Whatzit in a satellite to turn Gotham into Dark Camelot. Or something. I'm just making wild guesses here until I find a pretty picture that I can scan.

Morgaine is queen of Wherever-The-Fuck-They-Are-Shire and she's decided to summon some thugs to kill The Unknowns before they can stop her.

Oh look! It's the crew from Arkham from Issue #29: La Cucaracha, The Blue Fairy, Nocturna, Frat Disaster, and The Janitore! -- Tell-it-like-it-is Tess!

While The Unknowns hide out trying to figure out what Earth they fell back to, they learn that Clayface eats by shoving food in his face hole. They don't get any more details about how it all works though. I think the food just eventually makes its way back out of him and he trails chewed food around wherever he goes. It's probably how Batman finds him even when he's disguised as somebody else. Most people don't have chewed food constantly bubbling out of their skin. Just Clayface. And maybe Bullock.

So while Batwoman (while wearing a robe made of Clayface) is out searching for food, she's ambushed by Nocturna and her crew! And thankfully Nocturna gives their real names.

Frat Disaster is Man o'war. Blue Fairy is Absinthe. La Cucaracha is Scatter. And Janitore is Mr. Mortis. So I was really close on all of them!

Clayface and Batwoman retreat into a dark alley and then only Batwoman emerges. Although she now has a sword and is in chainmail so I think this must be Clayface disguised as Batwoman. Batwoman escapes to go find Jason Blood so they can get Etrigan back on the team. When she last saw Etrigan, he was just bones in space.

Kate gathers up Jason Blood, Ragman, and Red Alice before they all teleport into Morgaine's throne room for the big end of the series battle. It's probably going to end in hell fire and a word that rhymes with hell fire!

I'm disappointed that there was no rhyme.

After the stone is smashed, Gotham returns to normal. The best thing to come out of this entire story is that Jason Blood and Etrigan are once again stuck with each other. I think it's finally time for a modern day Demon comic book! Radu has already been introduced. Now we just need Uncle Harry and Glenda.

The book ends with Kate Kane going to see Maggie Sawyer to talk. Hopefully she tells her what a condescending idiot she's been this whole time. Kate never should have taken it upon herself to "fix" Maggie's relationship with her ex-husband. It wasn't any of Kate's business and she should have just stood by Maggie and supported her during the court proceedings. If things had gone bad and the ex-husband wound up with full custody of Maggie's kid, then Batwoman could have beat the shit out of him and forced him to relinquish all of his parental rights. That's the plan she should have come up with!

Batwoman Annual #2 Rating: I'm glad that the book ended with the possibility of The Unknowns remaining a team working together in Gotham. I'd actually like to see Clayface turn his life around. Hell, I'd like to see a bunch of Batman's enemies go straight. Why not? Just make up new enemies for Batman every year. Haven't we heard every fucking version of a Mad Hatter or a Scarecrow or a Riddler or a Joker or a Bane or a Mr. Freeze story yet?

Batwoman #40

Bye bye, best super hero team ever!

Batwoman and her gang of hoodlums only have one issue left to get into space so that they can catch up to their story where they fell out of space. I don't think it can be done in twenty pages! Maybe this issue will end with everybody boarding a rocket! Which could mean that they all really did burn up upon reentry way back in Issue #35. Then they probably went to hell where Etrigan can put them up for a year or so until they can all find their way out.

If getting into space and then resolving the story from the point where the team returned from space seems like too much to cover in just twenty pages, then how is there going to be any room left over for more sexy creepy, passionate emotionally abusive relationship scenes between Kate and Natalia? I'm pretty sure they need to fuck break up this issue once Kate realizes she's horny she's been hypnotized by short robes and lacy under garments a vampire all of this time. Such a cute gross relationship, amirite?

While Morgaine realizes she needs to get her powerful pet rock into space where it can transform the world into a new Avalon, Kate learns that Natalia's step-daughter has been found murdered! And by step-daughter, I mean the daughter of the man that Natalia married and murdered for his money and who probably would never actually want to be referred to as Natalia's any kind of daughter. Kate suddenly begins having flashes of images that seem to indicate she killed this woman. Of course she's being set up by Natalia and it's all part of the Vampire Hypnotism game (aka rape if you're not a standard issue Universal Monster. Although the Mummy has always been vocally against monsters committing acts of "Vampire Hypnotism." It's just nobody can understand him with all the bandages in his mouth. Frankenstein, too busy trying to quiet the rumors of pedophilia, never had any comments on the subject). Kate needs to find out some answers so she visits Natalia to get this whole thing resolved before getting to the space fight against Morgaine.

Red Alice follows along because she loves her sister and wants to save her. Contrariwise, she might just hate Natalia and wants to ruin her. I don't have a coin nearby with a scar on it (I left it in the other room), so I'll have to remain indecisive about Red Alice's motivations. In the end it doesn't matter because she's going to break up the relationship or become a vampire trying.

Wait. Is this sex or violence?

While Beth tries to convince Kate that she isn't really a vampire or into Natalia's hot little body in the least, Morgaine breaks into STAR Labs to steal a rocket ship. But that's boring so let's get back to the big break-up!

Kate refuses to bite Beth in the neck. Or maybe she tried for a second off panel while the scene was following Morgaine and she realized her normal human teeth have a much tougher time biting into neck arteries than nice, pointy vampire teeth. So, due to the scene cut, it's kind of ambiguous when she says, "I can't!" Unless it isn't. I'm not very good at reading comic books. I still think Kate and Natalia are a super adorable couple!

Vampire Hypnotism Apologist! You're just contributing to Vampire Hypnotism Culture, Beth!

But wait! The real break-up scene is yet to come! That's the next page where Marc Andreyko decides to write a scene defending his story to the critics instead of writing an actual break-up scene between Kate and Natalia!

Marc: "See? It wasn't rape, you twits! It was just all part of Kate Kane's horribly damaged psyche! Readers on the internet are so dumb!"

Well, that explains that! Can't argue with the Vampire Hypnotist telling her victim that she wasn't Vampire Hypnotized at all! "You wanted it, Batwoman! You were begging for it!" Totally sounds consensual and not anything like Vampire Hypnotism to me. I'm sure glad the alleged Vampire Hypnotist put it all into context like this and pointed out how the victim was...I don't want to say "to blame"...um..."responsible" for the alleged act of Vampire Hypnotism.

This scene would have been so much better if Kate had just been, "You Vampire Hypnotized me? Why you fucking bitch!" Then she could have clawed out Natalia's eyes and scooped out her ovaries through her vagina. No wait. That's probably going too far! Although what happens next is kind of close!

I think Andreyko should have just gone from the "You hypnotized me?" to this scene and skipped that whole part where he gave voice to the Vampire Hypnotist's excuse.

Kate leaves Nocturna pinned to the wall with the police on the way since Red Alice used a cell phone to stream Natalia's confession to Maggie Sawyer and/or some other cop like Bullock or something. Natalia continues to blame Kate as Kate walks out horrified at the entire ordeal. Maybe going into space and beating the shit out of some other woman will do her some good. Poor Morgaine is in for some serious projected aggression!

Beth and Kate have a heart-to-heart sisterly chat before Ragman appears and tells them they have more important things to deal with! So stop crying, forget about what happened, digest your sister's Through the Looking Glass quotes and get into space already!

Oh, an annual! That makes sense! I knew twenty pages weren't enough to end this thing. It took nearly that many to deal with the, ahem, alleged Vampire Hypnotism!

Batwoman #40 Rating: No change. Now that I can be a bit more serious in tone here in the Limbo area where my real review of the issue supposedly takes place but rarely does because I don't really care about legitimate reviewing, let's go back to that scene where Kate learns she's been hypnotized by Natalia and she realizes that she was hypnotized into having sex with her. Confused and still processing the event, Kate asks her rapist point blank, "You forced me to have sex with you?" Obviously Kate should realize at this moment that she was manipulated and raped and she doesn't need confirmation from her attacker. Natalia's comments are exactly what you would expect to hear from the rapist which makes her all the more terrible. This scene, without the outside controversy, actually makes sense and portrays Natalia as the monster Kate declares she is. But with the controversy and Marc Andreyko going on Twitter way back when to explain that Kate doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do and that the encounter wasn't rape, Natalia's comments just come across as Andreyko trying to explain away the rape. So a scene in which a woman's attacker piles blame onto her victim, a scene that I could believe would happen, just comes across as a petty attempt by the writer to prove that the rape never actually occurred. It's kind of mind-boggling. If I had any stake in Andreyko's writing, I'd say he wrote this scene correctly and it doesn't have anything to do with the outside controversy. But since I'm not his mother, I can't help but read it as a desperate attempt at damage control. Of course it's coming way too late! Most people that were disturbed by the rape scene dropped the book then and there, if not a few months earlier.

Anyway, I hope Batwoman can return soon without all of this drama packed up in her suitcases. Let's clean the slate and get her back to fighting crime alongside The Unknowns as soon as possible! Please?

Batwoman #39

Red Alice is finally here to murderfuck every face in the room!

Red Alice has that super hot look that says, "I'm not into men and even if I were, you'd be way beneath my standards." So irresistible!

Previously in this comic book, some fucking crazy shit was going down all over Gotham. A bunch of crazy characters were involved. And Kate Kane was having mega-sexy sex with Nocturna right on panel! Well, kind of on panel. Maybe I fantasized it. Let's see if this issue contains any more lesbian sex that I can male gaze up as much as possible, making it all about a man's erection!

I know! I pointed out how you're here to murderfuck! That's totally different! And sexy! And illegal in most European nations!

Kate is probably more worried about what Red Alice did to their father anyway. Murderfucking him would be wrong and icky. That might not even turn me on! No wait. I've thought about it for a second and it totally would.

Kate comes out of her bedroom looking so fucking adorable that it breaks my adorable meter. She says, "B-Beth? Its impossible." I guess she lost her apostrophe in Nocturna's sweet vanilla scented sphincter.

Is this Red Alice's schtick? She quotes Through the Looking Glass and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland all the time? Although I'm not sure "I'm not here to kill you" is a line from either novel! Although I can think of several occasions where Alice might have said it.

Next Nocturna comes out in an incredibly short robe and I have to take a masturbation break. Just kidding! I'm not into lesbians! I respect that their love making is not meant for my benefit and that it is an expression of love between two people just like everybody else's sexual exploits. Although all the other sexual encounters turn me on, so I'm just being myself when I wish for an on panel shot of Kate's face between Nocturna's thighs! I mean, if they were guys, that would be totally different because I was only into that during college that one or two or three times. Or however many times before I lost count. I mean, before I realized I totally wasn't into that because I was super heterosexual!

What's with the question mark shape on Kate's back?! Is that a shout out to Renee Montoya?!

This has always been my explanation for Kate and Nocturna's romance. Kate was just looking to cut loose after having her heart broken by Maggie. Or by herself, really, but whatever. Except all you naysaying jerks that wanted to ruin this adorably hot relationship had to run around with your hair on fire yelling, "The sky is raping! The sky is raping!" You guys are always looking for a reason not to have fun and to get to be righteously angry at somebody! Well no more! Kate and Nocturna are consenting fuck partners and that's the end of it! I mean, Nocturna did turn her into a vampire against her will and is manipulating her through the immortal blood but that's different somehow! Just shut up! I like seeing them kiss!

Nocturna and Red Alice start a whole daytime talk show drama filled screamfest until Kate yells at them in her vampire voice to knock it off. The art also takes a hit around this point. I think the inker might have changed! Anyway, Nocturna and Red Alice don't trust each other but they decide to play nice for Kate's sake. At least for now. Or at least in front of her.

Meanwhile, Clayface uses Ragman's computer to Google himself since he's lost his memory after being used as a mold for Morgaine. He discovers he was an insane murderer and doesn't like it much. I guess Ragman doesn't know Clayface's real name or else Clayface could check out his credits on IMDB while he's at the computer.

Showoff. He's just a Diet Spectre! Oh man. Jelyde is gonna be pissed at me for saying that!

This must be the part where the story catches the reader up on all of the other characters. So let's see what's happening with Jason Blood next.

Radhu! I didn't recognize you without the turban! I bet I won't recognize Uncle Harry either if he's not a pillow. Or Glenda without that thing she was known for.

It turns out Morgaine is waiting for Jason in his apartment with Etrigan gagged and bound at her feet. Are they almost in space?!

Morgaine has come in search of that rock that she winds up sticking in a satellite. But Ragman must have sensed injustice happening because he and Clayface call Batwoman to join them in staring into Jason Blood's rear window. At least the gang is finally all together. Now they just need to find a spaceship.

Morgaine practically said "fart."

Etrigan is so shaken up that he rhymes "blind" with "blind" while making no sense anyway, and then rhymes "death" with "death." Anybody can rhyme like that! Actually, anybody can rhyme anything. What is people's fascination with rhymed words? Rhyming is like the first thing you learn in school!

Anyway, Jason Blood disappears and Morgaine runs off to Slaughter Swamp to raise her army of dead mud creatures. Etrigan points out that they should probably chase her down or else the world is going to end and nobody wants it to end. That was a rhyme!

Batwoman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I get that this isn't anywhere near the same level of great that Batwoman was when it had those other people writing and drawing it. You know, whatever their names were. Blackguy and Prince William the Third. But I'm thoroughly enjoying this version of Batgirl as well. The other version was deep and profound and intimate and emotional. This version is simply fun super hero adventures. And as we all know, DC needs as many fun super hero adventures as they can get. Too bad it was at the expense of Batwoman the Urban Legend Killer.

Batwoman #38

Ratwoman! My favorite!

In this issue, we finally discover the secret origin of the dreaded Cloth Golem!

I haven't taken any time to determine what the circles on each cover represent because I'm lazy and apathetic. Etrigan's cover had some kind of AA symbol thing. Clayface's cover had a splotch of blood. And now Ragman's has the Hebrew word for "Truth." I don't actually read Hebrew! I used Lord Google the Translator to help me out! The only other time I've used Lord Google to help with Hebrew was when I needed to come up with this: מערת הזמן!

Last issue ended with Morgaine being birthed from Clayface. She came out in full armor so the reader could recognize her but when the story continues in this issue, she's naked! Like how Donna Troy emerged from her clay too! Man, I got to get me some clay!

She's a golem too! The best and hottest kind of golem!

Actually, Morgaine doesn't have a thigh gap so I'm finding her utterly repulsive. Ugh! Try to eat less clay, fatty! I guess since she's from a long time ago, she doesn't realize that it's not cool to have inner thighs that touch. Hopefully the head priest will be all, "Don't worry, Morgy. You can cover up that lack of thigh gap with a cute skirt and nobody will be the wiser." Then she'll probably strike him down and be all, "You are a pig! This is how women look, you idiot!"

Morgaine puts on her new robe/skirt/cleavage enhancer and then spices it up with some golden armor and huge horns. And then Batwoman and Etrigan crash through the front window while Ragman crashes through the back window. The gang's all here! Except for Beth! Or Alice. Whatever.

I bet he rhymes "desire" with "hellfire!" He's kind of a one trick poetry pony.

Etrigan finishes his poem with "with a blast of demon fire!" Close enough, enh?

I know! I just pointed that out!

Ragman and Batwoman make introductions and the Alcoholics Anonymous Monks snicker about another couple of heroes that proudly proclaim their gender right there in their name. So unimaginative! And according to the Legion of Super-heroes, the trend only gets worse one thousand years in the future! Ragman also mentions he's a Cloth Golem which I thought I was making up. As my friend Soy Rakelson said over and over and over again throughout our formative years, "I want an original thought!"

The battle commences with Morgaine laughing continuously because how are these idiots going to defeat her? She casts spells! And she's sexy! That's an unbeatable combination.

I think she's less concerned about Etrigan causing a gas explosion than she is about him finishing his rhyme with "bitch."

Beth (or Alice. Whatever) hears about the explosion on her police scanner (listening to police scanners is more of an old guy hobby, isn't it?) and figures her sister will probably be at the scene. So she hops on her Alicecycle and vrooms off to let Kate know she's returned from Get To Know Dad Better Island.

Kate proves she doesn't know anything about poetry when she asks Etrigan to stop with the "limericks from Hell". Last issue she thought he was reciting haikus! She's not very educated!

The crew splits up for now so that Kate can do a little more stalking of Maggie Sawyer when she arrives at the scene. Kate is all, "Have you forgotten how I totally fucked up our relationship for no apparent reason yet?" And Maggie is all, "Go fuck Nocturna!" And Kate is all, "You don't even know her!" And Maggie is all, "She marries and murders men!" And Kate is all, "I'm not a man! I'm a vampire!" And Maggie is all, "Ahhhh!" And Kate is all, "Hiss!" And then they part amicably.

Maybe I should look up the definition of amicably! No, I'm sure that's the right word.

Obligatory underwear ruining panel for the heterosexual men and the homosexual women.

Obligatory underwear ruining panel for the heterosexual women and the homosexual men.

I'm old so I'm not purposefully erasing anybody with different sexual desires than the fairly straightforward ones I mentioned in the captions. I'm just ignorant of all you other deviants! Go ahead and just look at the picture that turns you on best. Or both of them. Sorry that the Ragman/Clayface one doesn't involve tongue or penis or a clay butthole. You'll just have to use your imagination for that one.

Maybe I should look up the definition of deviants! No, I'm sure that's the right word.

Morgaine finds her new Clayface body less useful than it initially seemed so she hunts down a babysitter that shares her bloodline and takes her body for her own. And Beth (Or Alice. Whatever) drops by to catch up with her sister.

Whew! That's finally settled! Red Alice it is!

Batwoman #38 Rating: No change. At 43, can I get away with using the "I'm old! I don't know any better and I'm too old to learn!" excuse for being an asshole? It's charming, right? Like when good old Grandpa goes off on the minorities and how they're ruining the country. He's just a harmless old dinosaur trapped in his comfy chair with no influence over anybody. So when he spouts his racism, everybody just chuckles and shoves another Hamms beer can into his hand. Hmm, that actually doesn't sound very charming at all! I'd better buy myself a dictionary so I don't accidentally use offensive terms. Do dictionaries tell people which terms are offensive? Or do they just not include them because they're too offensive?

Batwoman #37

Clayface loves watching vampires fuck.

Now that I'm writing sonnets and being all highbrowed and shit, I'm not sure I should have begun with the vampires fucking line. That could give the tenured professors I attracted to my blog the wrong idea about how intellectual I am! I'd better write another sonnet to get them back on my good side!

Sonnet #Clayface

Does anybody know where vampires fuck?
It's something that I really need to see.
This line ends with a word that rhymes with fuck.
This line should have a word that rhymes with see.

This stanza here is all about Clayface.
Also about the general state of man.
And woman too, of course; there's just no space
To be socially just in every scan.

Now where was I? Oh yeah! Clayface had just
Begun to mope about his life's lost zest,
And the love of his life and her big brust
(I'm sure that's some archaic word for breast).

A man of many faces might I be.
The one that matters most, you'll never see.

Holy fucking shit! I am a genius the likes of which the world has never seen! Sonnet #Clayface might be my best sonnet ever!

The strangest thing you've ever said? Please. Like you've never shouted, "Ram your beautiful blooming piss factory into my gaping maw so my eager pleasure muscle can bring your throbbing love button to an intense state of indescribable quivering ecstasy!"

Earlier in the night, Batwoman threatened a reporter or an ex-girlfriend or just some Nocturna hater. She doesn't want her vendettaing Natalia Mitternicht because that's her vampire girlfriend now. Or her vampire sex mistress. Or just some person that comes by to fuck Kate when she's blackout drunk and won't remember it in the morning. Which is probably a good thing since the act involves a lot of biting and bleeding and pacts to the dark mistress Satan.

Back at Jason Blood's house, Etrigan mentions how he never wants Jason Blood inside him ever again, and Jason Blood says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know who you've been talking to but I ain't into fucking animals." Then Etrigan begins to strangle him and then Batwoman enters and says, "Step away from the naked man." Hmm, I would have ended that with an exclamation point. But then I end over 90% of all of my sentences with one! See?

Meanwhile, some thieves take off with Ragman's Celtic cookie.

Does anybody else think the magic cookie has something to do with Etrigan's sudden appearance? Is that why the burned up cult guy recognized Jason Blood? Were they summoning Etrigan with the virginal sacrifice? I like to believe that scenario since Etrigan should be sharing time with some squatter in London, as seen in Stormwatch Number I don't remember the number (what am I? An editor?).

Really? Strained? Your insult would hold more weight if that were true but this is some of Etrigan's best rhyming so far in the whole New 52! Especially that crack against women! Ha ha! Cowards!

His rhyming later in the encounter gets significantly worse. I'm going to have to admit that Batwoman has a better ear for rhyme than I do. Although she later calls Etrigan's rhymes a "haiku" so maybe she doesn't know anything at all about poetry and rhyme. Perhaps she's simply gained powers of prognostication with the vampire blood now coursing through her so she heard his future rhymes before he rhymed them.

Batwoman and Etrigan manage to say enough during the fight so that they realize the true villains in the current scenario are the robed cult that summoned Etrigan from out of the British squatter. Batwoman learns the cult are trying to resurrect Morgan le Fay which Etrigan assures her is a bad idea. He really drives home the point by rhyming "all" with "all." I guess this quest will get them in contact with Ragman and his Morgan le Fay summoning cookie. But how will Clayface join the team?! And Beth! Or Alice? Whatever.

Clayface is captured by the Cookie Thieves. Easily. Jesus, Batman goes through so much trying to catch this guy and all he needed to do was refer to him as Mr. Karlo and appeal to his acting ability?

Etrigan sniffs vampire sex juice in Kate Kane's wig and points out that she might need a little mystic hoodoo to clean out her system. For the moment, at least, Kate and Natalia's link is broken. Darn. I hope that doesn't mean their relationship is over and now Kate is going to report Natalia to Maggie for sexual molestation and near cannibalism and breaking and entering and holding her hand in public and looking like the most adorable couple ever when they really weren't although come on! They were so cute together! They shouldn't end the relationship simply because it started out on the rape foot! Um, wrong foot! I mean, at the very least, can't we consider it was an ambiguous foot and all agree that they're too cute together to make a fuss about how they first got together?!

Can't everybody just agree for my sake to say, "You know, we're all kind of weirded out by the way Nocturna broke into Kate's apartment and took advantage of her while she was pretty drunk. But for Tess's sake, let's just look at the situation with a less critical eye. I mean, Nocturna did tell Kate that she wasn't Maggie. She didn't lie to her! Sure, Kate was still drunk but it was on wine and how blotto can one really get on wine, right? She was just a bit sleepy at first and thought, 'Oh, hey, Maggie wants to fuck.' But then her vision cleared and she saw it was hot, sexy Nocturna (who, by the way, said, 'I'm not Maggie') and said to herself, 'Oh yeah! I need this random hook-up to make me feel better about the mess I made with my relationship with Maggie. If that sourpuss doesn't want any of this anymore, I'm not going to lock it away in a no-sex-allowed vault!'" See? When you say it that way, I can have my way and you can all not feel angry! We're all much happier now!

Back at the Cookie Thieves' hideout, they shove the cookie inside Clayface and they and all their friends chant the magic Rune Chant.

Ta-da!

Batwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this comic book going to have enough time to get all of these characters back into space before the final issue?! I hope so! Unless the time it takes to tell that story doesn't allow for more pages of Kate and Natalia fucking because then I have to hope for the pages and pages of fucking.

Batwoman #36

Is that where Jason Blood has been all this time? At an AA meeting?

That symbol has a few more additions to the Alcoholic Anonymous symbol, so maybe this is Demonology Anonymous? Do people wear chains with this symbol around their neck and sometimes run into strangers who will notice the symbol and say, "Oh, are you a friend of Merlin's?" My guess is that Merlin started Demonology Anonymous after years of out of control grafting of demons onto human hosts. He finally realized he was powerless over summoning demons and that his life had become an unmanageable mess of demon summoning. Next, he came to believe that Madame Xanadu could restore him to sanity. Next he promised to turn his life over to Dog as he understood him, be it Terrier or Labradoodle or Cocker Spaniel or, most especially, Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Then he made up a bunch of bullshit steps until he had a list that seemed like he put a lot of work into improving his life and then wrote a book bragging about it which helped a lot of lonely, powerless, incompetent people. One of those people was Jason Blood. The rest of those people were probably all of the other people that fell victim to Merlin's demon summoning shenanigans.

Like last issue, this issue ignores how last issue ended. Although this one might be starting where last issue should have started according to the way the issue before last ended. So Batwoman looks even more vampiric than usual. She's also acting way more obsessive compulsive about cleaning up street crime by threatening to kill some taggers. That's a sign of vampirism as well as the pasty skin and the sharp teeth and the swank clothes.

As Batwoman wastes her time on some teenagers, some Demonology Anonymous members get fried when the girl they're sacrificing explodes. I think sacrificing a hot, young virgin is one of the twelve steps. Female virgin. Nobody wants to see a greasy male nerd tied to a mystic standing stone.

Why is this taking place in Starling City? Have you noticed now that The Flash has aired on The CW, Infantino has become a major thoroughfare as well?

Batwoman comes to her senses just in time to follow the Gotham Police to the accident at the Demonology Anonymous meeting. The Gotham Police seem to have a different attitude to Batwoman than they have with Batman. They simply let her stride about the crime scene making gagging noises and pretending like she knows what she's looking for as she waits around for Maggie Sawyer to show up. When Maggie does, Kate runs up to her and says, "Maggie! Maggie! Pay attention to me! Maggie! Maggie! I still love you! Maggie! Maggie! I didn't mean to fuck that vampire! Maggie! Maggie! I made all of your decisions for you because I wanted you to be happy! Maggie! Maggie! I probably should have trusted you to figure out your own problems but I'm a controlling jerk-off whose life has become unmanageable so I micromanage the lives of others at the expense of my own happiness!" Actually, she doesn't say that last thing because she hasn't made enough progress with her therapist yet.

Maggie smells vampire vagina on Kate's lips and pretty much tells her to fuck off.

One of the burnt-to-hell Demonology Anonymous members survives and recognizes the doctor in the emergency room as Jason Blood! When he touches him, Jason has a flashback to the best comic so far of The New 52.

Um. What is going on in that middle area?

Later, Natalia Mitternacht, secret vampire (only because the people of Gotham are so stupid they can't see what's right in front of their eyes (the only people dumber are the citizens of Metropolis!)), comes by Kate's apartment to take her out on a date. And even though I know it's totally cliche for a heterosexual male to get all worked up over two women kissing and touching, I'm still all worked up over it. Look at them! They're adorable! And fucking sexy! Plus I might be a little bit under their vampire spell.

I suddenly wish this comic book were rated Super Mature!

On their date, they run into Kate's therapist who is a little bit therapissed. Kate hasn't been around to see him ever since she got vampirized because vampires don't need to deal with their pasts. Unless they're one of Anne Rice's vampires and then whole chapters will be devoted to their gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the mistakes they made across the centuries. Another vampire that constantly worries about his past because he's a huge puss is Angel.

Meanwhile, Ragman buys the mystic doodad used to explode the virgin in the ceremony earlier in the night. He gets it at a steal for seven dollars and fifty cents! Unless he paid seven hundred and fifty dollars for it. Or maybe seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars for it? It's hard to tell with these Goddamned negotiators and their inability to ever actually say the exact dollar amount when making deals.

Later meanwhile elsewhere, Alice returns to Gotham. You know, Kate's sister Beth who calls herself Alice. Unless it's different.

And then we get the scene that makes Kate and Maggie's breakup well worth it! Good decision to not let her get married, Mr. Didio!

Although is it weird that Batman is standing in the room beating off? I mean, probably beating off. Why wouldn't he be? I am! Mostly because all of the blood reminds me of my old sex fantasies with Vampire Tig!

I just completely ruined that last scene, didn't I? It's like, here's a scene portraying a couple of lesbians doing what lesbians do best (other than dark poetry about swamps) and I have to rub my heterosexuality all over it! Now instead of an example of equal media representation of nonheteronormative lust mixed with gore, it's just a cum-covered example of the violent, blood-soaked male gaze of heteronormative media! Such a shame! Although I can't help it if heterosexual interests share a space on the Venn Diagram of Lust with lesbian interests! If my heterosexual cock were at a party and he struck up a conversation with a lesbian vagina, they'd find they have a lot in common! They'd probably become best friends! Platonic best friends, of course! Which would probably confuse my penis to no end.

Anyway, that sexy scene was Kate remembering the night she first fucked Nocturna. And she seems a bit freaked out by it. I don't know if the blood disturbed her more or the fact that Batman was watching.

Here's a sexy scene for the other group that shares a spot on the Venn Diagram of Lust!

Oh yeah! Work that shaft! Tease the head! Tease the head! Now smack those balls roughly on the back stroke! Grip it tight! Tighter! TIGHTE---UNH! Hunh. Hunh. Hunh. Oh yeah. Yeah. Sleepy time.

Etrigan interrupts Jason Blood while he's jerking it in the shower. Apparently they haven't seen each other in a long time although they recognize each other instantly. Will the magic that binds them spark to life now that they're in close proximity to one another and Jason's cock is throbbing wildly in the wind? I suppose they won't be able to resist merging.

Batwoman #36 Rating: Why did that comic book make me so horny?! It was terrific!

Batwoman #35

Whoops, Kate! Your fly is down!

Oh! Oh! I know who all of these unknowns are!

"Feet of Clay." Wonder Woman!
"We're all mad here." The Cheshire Cat!
Batwoman!
"The clothes make the man." George Zimmer!
"Hell breaks loose." Who cares? What I'm wondering is how many internet fuckdummies are confused by the phrase "Hell breaks loose"?

Internet Fuckdummy: "That doesn't make any sense? Hell breaks doesn't win? What looser let that mistake make the cover!"

Now when I call somebody an "internet fuckdummy," realize that I'm not calling out young people who have learned to read on the internet from other people with a scant hold on the English language themselves. My cousin who is in her fifties, who constantly posts on Facebook about grammar pet peeves and spells well and types beautifully coherent sentences, still invariably types "loose" when she means "lose." I have a feeling we've seen the last generation to spell "lose" with just one "o." At this point, it seems like one of those natural changes that the majority take as fact and thus the language is changed forever. The extra "o" is in the saddle and rides mankind's ass until it's raw and bleeding and mankind screams, "Okay! Okay! OOKAY!"

Also, should ye be one of those internet fuckdummies and think I'm being ridiculously harsh on you, remember this: we're all internet fuckdummies in our own way. Just, you know, some of us know how to spell "lose." Also, some of us know on which side of the quotation mark that previous period should have been. I, sadly, am not one of those people. Stupid interent fuckdummy. This issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit gazing on the most miraculous site she has ever sighted.

"My God. It's full of 'O's!"

Seeing that last issue ended with Batwoman, while wearing frilly little panties, being sexily bitten by a vampire, it makes sense that this issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit orbiting the Earth battling demons with a hodgepodge assortment of heroes and villains. Unless it makes the opposite of sense? Perhaps it's a mystery! A "MYSTERY IN SPACE!" That's the title of this issue although I think I'd quibble about calling where they're located in orbit as "space." Maybe "MYSTERY IN EARTH'S ORBIT" would be more accurate. Sure, you can call that space! I won't argue with you! But when somebody calls their comic book "MYSTERY IN SPACE," I'm expecting an adventure on alien planets in far off solar systems! Then you'd be able to argue that fighting in Earth's orbit is more of a "MYSTERY IN SPACE" than being on another planet even though that planet is located in a different part of space than our planet is located. That comic should probably be called "MYSTERY ON AN ALIEN PLANET."

Jesus Christ. I'm even beginning to annoy myself. Let's just find out why Etrigan is back, shall we?

I'm sure he does.

For those who don't know the poem, here's how it appears in Immortalia: An Anthology of American Ballads, Sailors' Songs, Cowboy Songs, College Songs, Parodies, Limericks, and Other Humorous Verses and Doggerel printed in 1927:

"There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'"

Here's another one from the same book that I rather enjoyed:

"There was an old lady named Tucket
Who went to hell in a bucket;
When she did get there
And they asked her for fare,
She lifted her skirts and said, 'Suck it!'"

Here's another classy bit from the book from a story called "The Night of the King's Castration":

"He had Daniel cast unto the lions. Any man would have died of fright but not Daniel, who boldly strode forth, grabbed a lion's left nut very tight, and mightily squeezed all his worth. Then the lion cried, 'Ouch, it tickles.' 'May I ask what tickles,' said Daniel. Said the lion, 'My dear boy, testicles,' and he laughed 'til he was dead."

Maybe I should change my blog name to Eee! Tess Tickles Chai Tea. Hmm, that might need a little work.

Wait! This story about the King's Castration is too good to not quote a bit more:

"And the king went to the locker where his private crapper stood, and he shit three pounds of butter--And earned the name of King Dairyass."

Why am I reading comic books? This story is so much better! Although the ending is rather weak:

"So then they had a foreskin race, where length and trigger-speed both counted. "Daniel! Come forth! said the king with his face--And Daniel came came fifth and lost the race!"

I don't get it! "Daniel came came fifth"? I think there is some kind of innuendo about Daniel coming on the king's face? Maybe?

Anyway, before I get back to Batwoman, how about one more of these artistic limericks, hmm?

"There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat."

Ah! American Literature at its finest! And now back to our regularly scheduled comic book!

Well, this might explain why Etrigan is involved. Although that doesn't explain why Etrigan called this Batwoman's quest.

Morgan le Fay manages to reduce Etrigan to a skeleton (which never finished him before!) and explode Clayface into millions of spheroids of mud (which never finished him before) while trying to place a green glowing rock into a satellite. She probably should have added the rock to the satellite before it launched. That's the easier way to send payloads into space. But then, she's a witch so she doesn't properly understand technology.

Batwoman stabs her with a piece of the satellite she vandalized while Clayface reforms and helps Ragman and Alice back on the shuttle. Batwoman retreats into the shuttle with the rest of them and they flee back toward Earth, running over Morgan le Fay on the way who manages to hold on to the windshield, cracking it up as they reenter the atmosphere. The issue ends with Clayface and Ragman covering Batwoman and Alice (Elizabeth?) with their bodies to protect them against the heat of reentry.

Although, I think they forgot to remove the glowing stone from the satellite. That might be a problem! Although if it is a problem, we won't know about it for at least two issues since it looks like next issue will explain what the fuck just happened here.

Batwoman #35 Rating: No change. It gets lots and lots of pluses for the cast and the adventure! But it gets lots and lots of minuses for telling the story the way it was told! I don't totally mind having a story begin like this and eventually get around to explaining how things led to this point. But it's a bit weird to have it done after the way Issue #34 ended. It's too jarring having one story end with a vampire bite cliffhanger only to have another story begin in mid-space (orbit!) battle! Traditional ways of telling stories are traditional for a reason! Because white, straight people made them that way and we should all try to be more like white, straight people! Unless it's for some other reason. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Here, have another limerick before I go:

"I love her in the evening gown,
I lover her in her nightie;
But when moonlight flits
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ, almighty!"