Scooby Apocalypse #13

Why are they so frightened? It's obviously just a bunch of rich old white dudes in rubber masks.

• The update of the Scooby Doo franchise shouldn't have been from the angle that the monsters and ghosts were real. It should have been from the angle that the Scooby Gang were well armed and would wind up murdering a bunch of selfish old white dudes when they thought they were just killing monsters attacking them. The Scooby Gang wouldn't be a bunch of cute meddling kids if they were serial killer assassins driving from town to town solving "problems."

• Velma's brother Rufus is Donald Trump and his monster followers are people who wear MAGA hats. I've decided to state it plainly since I've been pretending to not get it in previous commentaries. The problem with this kind of satire is that it's not satire. It's just a restating of the truth.

See what I mean? Although Rufus is better looking.

• Shaggy comments on Rufus wearing a wig which is a shame. If you're going to make a Donald Trump parody character, don't explain his terrible hair as a wig. A wig would be preferable to that monstrous comb-over Ivanka swirls up to cover the seething maggots burrowing out of Trump's skull.

• The Scooby Gang realize Rufus can't help them so Velma beats him up some. After that, the monsters storm the building. Fred continues to sit outside in the Mystery Machine nursing his broken leg.

• The Scooby Gang escape with Daisy so that Shaggy can have a love interest other than Scooby. Rufus is burnt alive in a huge effigy of himself built by the monsters. So they're into crafts?

• There's a Scrappy Doo back-up story. I'd like to say I'm not going to read it because it's about Scrappy Doo and I'm not interested in it but I did spend actual money on this comic book so I'd feel like I wasted my money if I didn't read it.

• I was wrong. Now that I read it, I feel like I wasted my money!

This kid has a low bar on the qualities that make a dog the best.

Justice League of America #10

Everybody is all, "DIE MOTHER FUCKERS!" And Aquaman is all, "I have a fork!"

So, this comic book is still a thing. It's got to end this month, right? Can there be anybody left at DC who isn't completely sick of Bryan Hitch at this point? I can understand hiring a writer like Warren Ellis even though you know you're going to get some deadline problems from him because his stuff is crazy worth reading. But Bryan Hitch is one of those artists who wanted to write their own stories and then decided to stop drawing as well even though he never quite got the hang of writing stories. It's one of the most common scams in comic books! An artist comes to the people in charge and says, "Hey! I want to write some of the stories I'm drawing!" And the people in charge are all, "Cool! We'll save some money on that deal!" And then after the artist does this for a few months, the people in charge realize that the artist-writer now has too much work and can't manage the deadlines. So the people in charge bring in some artists to do the art while the artist simply does the writing. Now the company is stuck with a sub-par writer who they hired for their art but now they aren't drawing anything! What jerks!

[[MORE]] For those who can't remember what was happening in this comic book because the last issue came out in the late 70s, Earth was being threatened by a mad alien pretending to be the Kryptonian god Rao (or really was but, then, I'd like to believe that the person Superman worships isn't a total dick-muffin (and is also, probably, imaginary)). He'd summoned the ancient planet of Krypton to an orbit near the Earth so that he could invade with thousands of his own Supermen. So the world is fucked unless Batman is wearing a shirt with extra long sleeves to pull something tremendous out of.

According to the credits page, Bryan Hitch's only involvement in this issue is coming up with the plot. So basically, forget not drawing it; this fucker was too busy to even write it. I've got a feeling he didn't even add much to the plot of this issue. He probably summarized the plot of eight of the first nine issues to Tony Bedard (minus the Martian Manhunter issue, of course!) and said, "Then, like, in this issue, I was going to have the Justice League of America win. You got that?" At least I can look forward to decent comic book dialogue by Bedard. Although I really wanted to be petty and churlish, so I'm also disappointed that I won't be reading the bullshit that Hitch came up with.

Hal Jordan groups up with the Justice League to let them know that 250,000 Supermen are about to attack Earth as soon as they breach his shield. Put your dicks away! That wasn't a euphemism.

Batman installed the white lenses on his mask that cover his eyes so nobody would see them roll every time Superman says something cheesy like this.

While Batman rolls his eyes and The Flash makes jerk-off motions faster than anybody can see, Wonder Woman actually decides to say something. She's all, "'I trust we'll win!' says the guy who was dead ten minutes ago." Superman assures everybody that they'll win because if they don't win, they won't win. So, you know, they have to win! I'm not so sure they will win though because this is obviously an alternate universe (even if it was mentioned in other comic books. I'm just going to ignore those bits). Also, they're relying on Silas Stone for some kind of countermeasure to the Kryptonians. That's just asking for trouble! The last time he helped, he turned his son into a robot who doesn't know if his brain is real or Memorex.

Oh man. How many people have no idea what Memorex is?! Hmm, I guess they're still a thing!

With 250,000 Kryptonians descending on Metropolis, how the hell is the Justice League supposed to win? I think that's what Bryan Hitch was thinking and that's why this comic book took so long to come out. He probably finally got a brainstorm for how to solve this dilemma after reading DK III #6. We'll know for sure if Metropolis suddenly has a Kryptonite rain storm!

Oh. I guess this is the big secret weapon. I wonder why Silas didn't send one for Aquaman?

Besides the mechanized armor, Silas also sent a bunch of robotic drones. Does the government know STAR Labs has been working on a private army of killer robots? I guess they don't because these robots were just built in the last 24 hours or so. Unless the robot army was extant and Silas just fashioned anti-Kryptonian weapons for them. I have other questions as well which probably won't be answered so I shouldn't even ask them, like where did STAR Labs get the labor to build these robots? Or the money? Or the technology? Oh, they probably already had the tech since the word is right there in their name.

The Justice League get the upper hand and then they lose the upper hand and then they gain the upper hand and then they begin to lose it for good. But Batman has a plan! Leave Aquaman to fight the Kryptonians while he and Cyborg head to Krypton to talk it over with the Doomsday Stones. Batman's plan is to get the Doomsday Stones to age the sun until it becomes a Red Giant. The Kryptonians lose their powers and young Rao beheads his future self. Everybody lives happily ever after. Except Superman. He's still going to die and be replaced by Preboot Superman.

The Review!
I'm just glad this thing is finally over. As you might be able to tell by my lack of details, I grew bored with the entire thing right about when the Kryptonians invaded. You just can't sustain a reader's enthusiasm for a story when it takes nearly two years to put out ten issues. Especially when the same guy who can't finish this fucking story gets hired to write the new biweekly Justice League comic book! How did DC ever think he was going to finish this story? I guess the fact that Tony Bedard scripted this issue answers my question: they never expected him to finish. They finally just got somebody else to wrap it up so they would have a complete story to stick in a Trade Paperback later. I wonder if they call Tony Bedard "The Finisher" around the DC offices?

Justice League #6

The men all look disgusted while Diana and Jessica look somewhat intrigued. Are they facing off against naked, erect Despero?

The Commentary!
• The issue begins with a Fear Monster attacking Earth. Only one member of the Justice League is not afraid: Jessica Cruz. It's because she spent so much of her life being afraid that she's immune to being afraid now! Except that she isn't. She still suffers from anxiety. But that's a different kind of fear! I'd much rather fight for my life against a tiger than spend a holiday around people I've never met before. Besides, I'm pretty sure I could take a tiger! I think you just have to grab it by the toe, right?

• Oh, Simon Baz is also not quite as afraid as the other Justice League members. So it's less about Jess having built up a gigantic callous on her brain when it comes to fear of legitimate varieties (I don't mean certain fears aren't real feelings. But, really, if you're afraid of moths, you know that's not a fear with actual consequences. Moths aren't going to hurt you. Unless you're deathly allergic to them and they can send you into anaphylactic shock by accidentally bumping against your face in a chaotic manner) and more about Green Lanterns being chosen because they can overcome great fear. Although why is Batman being such a coward?! Doesn't he know some sort of Tibetan mind trick to overcome terror?

• The Justice League defeat the fear by holding hands and being brave. It would have been more interesting if they'd done it in song like how Buffy and the Scooby Gang did. Since this was the opening scene of an ongoing story, does that mean the bulk of the story will be how the Justice League have to now walk alone in fear?

• After the battle, The Flash puts his arm around Jess and tells her she did a good job. Jess's response is, "Barry, want to fuck?"

We get it, Barry. You eat pussy and asshole.

• Remember how in The Revenge of the Nerds, the nerd wins the girl by eating her out when she thinks it's her boyfriend performing the oral sex? What kind of message is that for young nerdy men?! If you can somehow get yourself in a position to lick a woman's private parts, no matter how deceitfully, she'll be so grateful that she won't slap you in the face and possibly kick your ass and probably not press charges afterward because then she'd have to endure a system which would be all, "You're just ashamed you fucked a nerd, right?" Besides, the real ending of the movie should have had the nerd going down on the woman and her reaction being, "What the fuck are you doing down there?! Ow. OW! What the hell?! Get away from me!"

• Another message from the end of that movie is that you'd have to be a desperate social outcast and major loser to put your face anywhere near a woman's vagina. Apparently the good looking guys have so many women falling all over their cocks that they don't have to worry about pleasuring any of them. I guess that's just a metaphor for how much they care about the women they're dating. Although what's the metaphor for how much you care for a woman when you trick them into oral sex?

• Cyborg and Simon Baz go off to hang out with each other while Aquaman needs "help" with "something". Batman heads off alone even though he wants to hang out with Superman. But Superman has a stupid family who is expecting him back from saving the world before dinner gets cold.

Brian Cunningham and his crew fixed the location of the farm from "Metropolis" to "Upstate from Metropolis." But they didn't fix the really egregious error. It's not the fucking Kent Farm! It's the Smith Farm!

• I'm not so sure the "Upstate From Metropolis" bit is actually a fix anyway. If Metropolis was New York, it would be fine. But according to the map in Death of Hawkman, Metropolis is about as upstate as you can get in Delaware. I mean, it actually looks like it's in Virginia in the Death of Hawkman #1 but I think they were trying to map it out as New York City in New York, Gotham in New Jersey, and Metropolis in Delaware.

• I just asked Lord Google about "upstate Delaware" and one of the Lord's leads was to a Wikipedia disambiguation page which reads: "The term upstate may refer to the northerly portions of several U.S. states. It also can refer to parts of states that have a higher elevation, away from sea level. These regions tend to be rural; an exception is Delaware." Ha ha!

• Barry gets to the restaurant and his date with Jessica thirteen minutes early. That's odd. Isn't Barry always late for everything? That's the joke! He's got superspeed but he's still always late! Maybe he's only late to dates with Iris because he doesn't really give a shit about her.

• Barry rushes off to get flowers and returns with a bouquet of stems. I guess the Speed Force has something against protecting flowers while Barry is running with them. I bet if Alan Moore or Warren Ellis took over this book, they'd remember this bit and use it as a plot point!

• I didn't realize Batman was being more needy and standoffish than usual because, you know, he's Batman. But I guess he's still mourning Tim Drake's loss. Oh, come on! It was just Tim Drake! It's not like he lost somebody interesting or entertaining!

• Jessica flips the fuck out on her date because Barry begins acting like a jerk and he touches her hand. Sheesh! I'd expect that kind of reaction from Guy Gardner but not from Barry Allen! Hand touching? Ugh! The nerve!

• At the Kent Farm over dinner, Lois and Clark begin snapping at each other after which Clark declares he's going to kill Batman. Hmm. I'm sensing that maybe the Justice League didn't completely destroy the Fear Monster!

The Ranking!
+0! I would have liked to see a date between Barry and Jessica that didn't end up in a chaotic kerfuffle but in a more handjobby, fingerbangy kerfuffle.

Green Lanterns #4

Once again, this comic book has way too many artists working on it. The cover says seven but the credits page lists eleven. I'm not an expert but I think that indicates a problem.

The Review!
This comic book isn't as bad as I'll make it seem in the following commentary. But I've declared I will never again complain about the thing that I complain about in the following commentary. I'm practicing not complaining about it right now! I'm using Green Lantern levels of will not to talk about it! It's not even that big a deal, really. It's just a little pet peeve I have that apparently nobody else has which is why comic books are so Goddamned fucking terrible now! I mean, um, it's not a problem at all! No big deal! It's not even like it's something new! People do it all the time and have for decades! It can even be used to good affect when done well and by a writer I have declared an oath of undying fealty for. But Sam Humphries has yet to impress me in a way that would keep his use of those things I don't complain about anymore from bothering me at all.

The Commentary!
I didn't hate this comic book when it began. I didn't even hate it three issues later when Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz kept speaking directly to the reader. I didn't want to hate a person I've never met before and who will likely never have any effect on my life ever. I didn't want to but here I am. I hate Sam Humphries. He broke me and this is the Narration Box that did it:

"Hello, Simon! I'm Tess, the meanest comic book critic ever!"

It was cute last issue when Jess thought, "OMG I am the worst Green Lantern." It was cute because she thought it just moments after Bleez threw her through an office building. It is not cute this issue when Simon Baz thinks the same thing. Not just because Sam Humphries already used this line since I can kind of understand how he's using it on purpose to compare the two new recruits and their ultimate lack of self-confidence in their ability to do this job. They both offer up a strong facade but are terribly concerned that they will fail Earth. What pisses me off about this moment is that goddamned fucking "Hello!" Who the fuck does he think he is? Larry of Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? Lenny and/or Squiggy? Some character who says "Hello!" when coming on scene but whom young people would recognize?! Hell, he's not even one of those characters because at least those characters were saying "Hello!" to other fucking characters. They didn't look at the camera and acknowledge the audience and wave and wink.

I don't know what to fucking do. This kind of shit has become such a standard trope in comic books that nobody cares or notices. Hell, I think the majority of people like this stupid shit. But then the majority of people are assholes and morons who think they're way smarter than they really are. They want heroes to tell them everything inside the hero's stupid head. Stories in third person which remain outside of the character's mind are just way too ambiguous. And how would a comic book like this work without being privy to all of Jess's and Si's thoughts, right?! We have to see how they think so we can compare and contrast their styles and attitudes! No way we could have any opinion on the two of them without knowing every thought in their stupid fucking heads. I mean, look at The X-Files? It didn't do that and it was complete and utter shit, right?

Of course it wasn't, asshole. That was the point. Now get the fuck off of my lawn while I read this rest of this comic book I already know will be garbage because I'm only on page one and it's put me in a terribly foul mood.

Maybe I'm a Red Lantern!

Simon and Jessica plunge into the Hell Tower which is actually the opposite of a tower. Maybe Atrocitus thought The Hell Well was too cutesy. Jessica has been infected with the Rage so she isn't working with Simon. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal because one Green Lantern is as good as two Green Lanterns, right? But remember how Hal Jordan insured that there would be easy tension and drama by forcing Si and Jess to share a battery? Remember how they could only recharge their rings together? Yeah, remember that caveat and conundrum? Well, guess what? You get a Mini-Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Ribbon if you guessed Simon's ring is running out of juice! Oh, Green Lantern comic book! You never fail to make me think, "What am I doing with my fucking life?"

Simon only has 2.2% charge left in his ring which is ridiculous because I'm constantly being reminded that the Green Lantern ring is the greatest weapon in the entire universe. And yet the stupid thing is constantly low on charge when it's most needed. I guess Simon is going to have to destroy the Hell Well with his pistol.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, Simon's relatives are bickering because there's a Bohemian Guardian of the Universe in the pantry. He reveals he's as nutty as the other Bohemian Guardians even though he's of a different variety. I don't know where Kyle's Bohemian Guardians wound up. This Guardian finally reveals the name of the ring he brought with him: The Phantom Ring! It sounds so mysterious! And probably not real. This guy is kind of crazy. But he also knows a secret about why Earth suddenly needed two new Green Lanterns when they already had five or six times more than any other planet in the entire universe. But all of that stuff probably won't be revealed until The Hell Well is destroyed.

Simon's ring didn't have enough energy to do a med scan of Jessica or to find a nearby lost teddy bear. But it does have enough energy to do that impossible healing thing Simon Baz does! I'm totally enthusiastically smiling and excited about this revelation! Really I am!

How many more stupid pages is this stupid comic book that's stupid?

Jessica begins to feel less angry and decides to quit. Good! If you quit then Simon has to quit because he can't use the battery without you and then I never have to read this comic book again! If there's even the slightest possibility I might read another Narration Box where a character says hello directly to me, it's worth shutting down this entire series.

Stop it! Stop trying to talk her out of it! Let her quit! Put me out of my misery!

See? These two don't have the confidence that they want everybody to believe they have. Not that I had to put any thought into this comic book to reach that conclusion. All the thinking was done for me! Narration Boxes are the equivalent of those rails that keep the kiddie cars on the tracks at places like Disneyland. They're the bumpers in bumper bowling. They're the cliff notes published in the margins of the book the notes are for. They're the red hot pokers and bamboo slivers jammed under my fingernails. And they're so ubiquitous that I'm bored ranting about them. I'll never fucking mention them again because it seems like all I write about lately. I wish something that mattered would make my blood boil the way these shitty Narration Boxes do!

Jess and Si patch up their differences, recharge their rings, and climb out of The Hell Well. Waiting for them at the top of the well are Atrocitus and his Red Lanterns. Surprisingly, they don't immediately kill Simon and Jessica. Instead, Atrocitus tells them he'll let one of them live. That one will be the one who kills the other Green Lantern. Nice try, Atrocitus! But they just got the whole good guys battling each other thing out of their system this issue. Next issue is way too soon for another physical confrontation between the two Green Lanterns! I mean, I know Si and Jess are going to wind up fighting each other many times across this series. But they can't do it every single issue!

One of the Red Lanterns with Atrocitus is Zilius Zox. How come nobody remember he died in Red Lanterns Annual #1?! This isn't the first time he's been back after dying which probably explains why he's still around. Because somebody else fucked up and brought him back and now nobody realizes he was killed. Oh well. This is Rebirth, after all! It's as good a time as any to declare Zilius Zox's death was exaggerated.

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Secret Six #14

This looks like the greatest barbecue ever. But why does Scandal have such a tiny hand? Oh wait. Maybe I'm not supposed to mention her tiny hand. Oh man. Now I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

The Review or Whatever!
I like to fantasize that people are constantly asking me, "Tess? What makes you a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? And could I give you ten dollars?" I usually joke that all it takes to be a Grand Master Comic Book Reader is the audacity to call yourself one. But isn't there also some rule that by spending ten thousand hours on something making, you suddenly become a super duper expert on it? Because I'm fairly certain I've spent that much time reading comic books (including staring at the pictures and reading letters pages, so I hope that counts). But I also have physical proof that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I've only sent one letter to a comic book in the thirty-plus years I've been reading comic books and that book was The Walking Dead. My letter was printed in Issue #8 (so if you have a few hundred bucks and want to verify this, you can!) and went like this:

Just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know I really enjoy your little zombie rag. The pacing is terrific, characterizations are intriguing and the art is just nifty. I hope the book continues for quite awhile. You've got my support. Thanks for the great read!
Jeff

Kirkman responded that he hoped to go at least 75 issues. Well, he's more than doubled that and turned his little zombie rag into a million dollar franchise! And I saw the potential because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Although I stopped supporting him after that issue and never picked up Issue #9. I feel a little bad about that. I think maybe I felt betrayed that they printed my letter that called the art nifty in an issue with Charlie Adlard art! I meant Tony Moore's art was nifty, you jerko! But I did keep picking the series up in trades, so I guess that counts too.

On a related note, does anybody want to buy The Walking Dead #1-8 for like fifty thousand dollars. Is that the going price yet? If not, I'll just hold onto them.

This issue is called "Everyone Says Goodbye, Sometimes" which I'm going to declare makes no sense at all, even if Gail Simone thought it up. Although I just touted my Grand Master Comic Book Reader credentials, so maybe I shouldn't admit to being too stupid to understand something. Um, I totally get it! People say goodbye! All of them! But they don't do it constantly! Just sometimes! Duh!

*gasp* Gail! Don't you know the trend is to have female characters get super angry at being told to smile now?! Although Alice is smashing people while smiling. So it's kind of the same thing. I think.

Lady Shiva is a bit disappointed that Black Alice is destroying one of the League of Assassins Corporate Headquarters. That means Strix probably has changed her mind about joining the League which means Shiva just lost her replacement which would let her leave the League. Too bad Gail isn't more proficient in the television show Arrow or she'd know that sometimes people can leave the League in other ways. Although I'm not a Grand Master Television Show watcher, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm especially not a Grand Master Television Watcher of bad television shows and Arrow is a terrible show. And it's not terrible for the reasons lots of fans think it's terrible! It was awful long before Laurel was killed. It was even awful long before they made the huge mistake of romantically entangling Felicity and Oliver. The writing is just terrible and the only way they can think to create drama is to have one character barely tell a lie and then another character discovers the lie and hates the other character forever and always. Plus Oliver has had sex with every single female character on the show except his sister. And I'm not even sure about his sister.

As the Secret Six and Friends storm the building, Elongated Man begins thinking about the Secret Six as his new adopted family. That's gross. Since when do families have weird sex on your couch? Oh wait. Am I allowed to be grossed out by the thought of incest? Am I supposed to be sensitive to Incestsexuals? Dammit! It's so hard being a consequence-free jerk in this day and age!

Even though the Secret Six are mounting a rescue mission, it's still up to Strix to win her own battle against Shiva. I don't think Gail Simone will kill Strix even if I thought Strix would lose a battle against Shiva. But I am a little bit worried about Shawna. Ferdie might be dealing with a broken heart by the end of this. You'll be able to tell he has a broken heart because he won't be able to come up with any sexual innuendos about Shawna being stiff.

Uh-oh. Now I'm really worried about her!

Shawna finishes her thought on the next page with "--that maybe some of us don't want to be saved?" I didn't expect a traitor in the midst but this is good. Shawna has mostly been taking a back seat to Ferdie throughout this run. This is the Shawna from Batgirl that creeped me the fuck out way back when. She's not silly and whimsical and able to feel anything that would allow her to fit in. That part of her was in Ferdie. Shawna herself though was, in short, a monster. So it's good to see she's still my girl.

I know there have been moments in this series that have made people feel feelings before this. Like with how Strix was coping with family or how Alice was bonding with Ralph or how Ralph and Sue were having their difficulties. I guess this moment between Shawna and Ferdie is the part that touches my cold black heart because I can't bear what happens next: they break up. It's devastating.

I just can't bear to see Shawna cutting off the part of her that has allowed herself to be loved. Ferdie may have been her weapon at times but he's also been her way of connecting. And for whatever reason, she's backsliding into the Shawna who doesn't believe she deserves love and happiness. This hurts my heart.

Catman isn't dead because he wasn't curious or something. He and the others interrupt Shiva and Strix's fight which probably saves Shiva's life. They explain to her that the fight is over and they'll be going now or else Black Alice will do some of that magic stuff that can't be defended against unless you're John Constantine. And that's the end of the League of Assassins story! There's still more suburban epilogue but I haven't read that yet! This story ended a bit quickly because Rebirth was rebirthing all over the place and it was time to shut a bunch of the DC Youniverse down. Although for some reason the Teen Titans still get to exist for a few more months. Ugh!

The epilogue is four months later and Strix has decided to never kill again and live in a treehouse with a bunch of gnomes. The rest of the Secret Six remain with the Dibnys having barbecues and enjoying the suburbs. I guess all that is well and good and a happy ending. But my heart is still breaking.

Saddest ending ever.

Secret Six #13

Ferdie is checking out Strix's ass.

The Review or Whatever!
Secret Six stories always have titles that I never understand! It's like Gail Simone is all, "I'm so smart! I write fully realized characters dealing with actual themes and meaning and shit! Plus I drink tea and know everything there is to know about the television show Arrow! NARF!" And I'm over here thinking, "What does 'Violence of Silence' even mean?! How dumb am I?! Am I hurting people when I walk quietly down the street? Should I be screaming my fool head off?!" If this were a Geoff Johns book, I could just think, "I get it! Strix is mute and she kicks ass and 'silence' and 'violence' rhyme so that's a totally cool title! AWESOME! Geoff Johns for President of the Universe!" But since I know Gail Simone is way smarter than me, I get all nervous and insecure trying to understand her fancy-pants comic book writing skills. At least I know Geoff Johns has no idea what he's actually doing. That's comforting!

Your name is just League of Assassins! That doesn't sound old at all! What makes you sound old is having manservants named Milliford!

Shiva decides that the best thing to do to Strix now that Strix has agreed to join the League of Assassins is to torture her. To be fair to Shiva, she probably thinks she's in control and that Strix will react like every other jerk who ever wanted to be a member of the League of Old People. How can she not see that Strix only joined to protect her friends (who are now family?)?! Or maybe she does see that and she doesn't care because Shiva is arrogant enough to think that she's strong enough to break Strix. So Shiva gives Strix champagne (which Strix reacts to correctly because it is disgusting) and then throws her gnome off of the roof of the building.

Does the gnome shattering on the ground constitute a death of one of the members of Secret Six? Probably, right?

This issue is called "Silent Running". That's confusing because Strix is not a member of the Court of Roadrunners!

How dare Gail Simone try to redeem this guy! My hatred for this white male authority figure was the only emotion I had left!

Catman gets a call that there's a job that looks like a job for his sperm! His sperm are all, "Yay!" Onlookers are all, "Look! Up in the sky! Is that a bird? Is it a plane? No it's...eeewww."

Catman accepts but only if Scandal does him a favor. I bet that favor is she must remove his sperm with her mouth and spit it up into Knockout (or Stripper Knockout). Would that work? I think the science is pretty accurate.

The League of Assassins finally buy Strix a tablet so she doesn't have to keep scrawling notes with her ratty pad and her piece of hardened raccoon poop. Those Birds of Prey were cheap bastards! If it has wi-fi, I bet Strix spends the rest of the issue surfing for porn.

Strix's first assignment with the League is killing a bunch of actors who kind of look like the rest of the Secret Six if you squint just right and punch yourself in the vagina until your eyes tear up. If you don't have a vagina, your testicles will suffice.

Shiva is a Grandmaster too! We're practically twinsies! Although she's Grandmaster at killing people while I'm Grandmaster at reading comic books. Practically the same thing!

Strix kills all of the Secret Six surrogates and Shiva breathes a sigh of relief. Because now Shiva gets to leave the League! Except for that part where the Secret Six plus Scandal and Silver Banshee and Ragdoll will soon be crashing through the doors to get Strix out of there. And since it's the final issue (I think?), maybe they'll all die! You never know! If this were the New Suicide Squad, you would know that nobody would die. But this comic book has the potential for actual consequences! As long as Ferdie survives, I'll be okay with a few losses.

Teen Titans #18

Normally I would be annoyed by a cover that depicts heroes battling each other. But have the Teen Titans really been acting like heroes?

Rating: No change. This may not technically be the worst DC Comic but it hasn't been very good. It's getting a little better with Greg Pak even though I mostly don't like Greg Pak's writing. At least he's telling a story that was long overdue. But he still has to use all of the unlikeable characters in this team! They're all selfish criminals! Why would I care what happens to any of them?! This is what happens when you allow lousy writers to wing it month after month without any thought to how the stories they're telling will affect how readers see the characters. I also have an aversion to super hero groups that don't have any reason to be a super hero group. The Teen Titans are really just a gang of hoodlums doing whatever they want, constantly fighting among themselves, falling in and out of love with each other without any indication of intimacy or closeness, and causing lots and lots of property damage while they're simply dealing with their own problems. What I'm saying is that the Teen Titans haven't changed a bit in decades!

• Recently, the Teen Titans have helped a super murderer (created to be a living weapon) escape from justice, broken into a prison, and escaped custody rather than answering for their crimes. They've also justified their behavior because they're selfish pricks. I probably didn't need to say that since it's right in the title: "Teen"!

• To be fair, Tim Drake did create the Teen Titans to protect meta-human teenagers all over the world. He never said any of them would be heroes! They would just be a gang of assholes protecting each other from the fucking adults who don't know everything! They have no idea what it's like to be a teenager! I mean, they did but that was a totally different time when things weren't nearly as difficult as now! Aside from a less safe world with selective service and way more expectations of behavior. But they didn't have like our problems, you know?!

• The Titans were busy looking for Cassie's father whom they found on Wonder Woman's mantel in London. I mean, they found his head. So that seems suspicious.

• Wonder Woman has caught them destroying and raiding her apartment. But she's compassionate and understanding so that makes her a total doormat. I mean, it makes her willing to understand what other people are going through and empathize with them.

• Wonder Woman calls Tim "Robin" and he doesn't correct her and say, "Actually, it's Red Robin, you stupid adult. Gosh! Leave me alone!" He probably doesn't say that because he doesn't have a room at hand which he can dramatically flounce into and slam the door behind him.

• Oops. I spoke too early. Take that, adult! You don't know everything!

• Red Robin does not tell Wonder Woman that he and the rest of the gang are escaped felons on the run. It's none of her business anyway!

• The rest of the Teen Titans have been taken by Cassandra. Cassandra can predict the future but nobody listens to her predictions so then she just gets really frustrated. That's probably why she's kind of a bad guy.

• Boo fucking hoo. Someone needs to do a whole lot more than yell at you, you fucking thief.

• Gar points out that Cassandra must be the villain of this story because she's not one of them and she's against them and an adult and a jerk too.

• Gar is wrong. Obviously the Teen Titans are the villains of this entire comic book series.

• Power Girl tells Cassie that she's her friend. They barely know each other! How off in your head do you have to be to consider somebody a friend so quickly and freely?! I should ask my friend Doom Bunny! He thinks everybody he meets is a friend!

• Doom Bunny isn't answering immediately. I'll get back to him!

Right. And what you do is constantly break the law for your own selfish purposes.

• Cassandra begins winning Cassie over by saying things that teenagers like to hear like "You have a right to be angry and lost. Nobody could have gone through what you've been through and remain as strong! Your father actually loves you even though he abandoned you. I'm your representation and you totally identify with me so you totally can even."

• The Titans battle some giant snakes as they hunt for the Rod of Asclepius beneath Apollo's temple in Delphi. They sort of find it but first Wonder Woman has to tie up Cassandra and ask her some questions like "What is your real motive behind bringing Lennox back to life?" and "Who do you think you're fooling?" and "Are you manipulating everybody for your own selfish ends because that's par for the course in a Teen Titans comic book?" Actually, Wonder Woman doesn't ask any important questions that would get to the bottom of Cassandra's plot while her lasso is around Cassandra. Instead she just says, "Tell her, Cassandra, why did you come to her?" And Cassandra says to bring Cassie's father back. Which isn't a lie but, come on! You know it's only a small part of her overall plan! This is what happens when Batman isn't around to ask the questions!

• Nobody gets beaten up by Wonder Woman like the cover fooled everybody into thinking would happen. Not that comic book fans are used to covers telling any kind of truth at all. Even though I hate how variant covers break up a collection because I don't have the "real" covers of each issue, I sort of like them better because at least they don't try to manipulate me!

Secret Six #12

Secret Strix?

Rating: In many ways, Gail Simone's Secret Six has always been a spiritual successor to John Ostrander's Suicide Squad. Most of the revamps of Suicide Squad missed what made Ostrander's such a hit. It wasn't about characters possibly dying every month. It wasn't about loading a team full of star villains to attract an audience. It was about bringing to life characters that had been largely one-dimensional up until that point. When people think of Deadshot now, they're thinking of Ostrander's Deadshot. He realized Deadshot so fully that people probably just assume the character was always the guy Ostrander brought to life. But he was just a guy who was really good with a gun who Batman kept running afoul of. Simone did much of the same with Catman and Bane and many others, as well as creating a bunch of her own. The series shines because the characters are not ignored. They're not just fodder for the plot in garish costumes. They are fully realized and enjoyable to read about. I wish more writers would understand that plot is less important than characterization. I'd rather read a bunch of interesting characters sitting around a diner talking than have a bunch of hot, one-dimensional people in spandex hitting each other with heavy objects for twenty pages. Secret Six will be missed after Rebirth. I just realized that I'll probably start calling all of the stories after Rebirth "Afterbirth". DC is about to get gross.

• What is the secret?! No, seriously. What is it? I think I missed it at some point. I have a nagging suspicion that the secret is Mockingbird can't count to six.

• One secret is that I photoshopped a bunch of fake tweets by Gail Simone about "What is the secret?!" and posted them on Tumblr with tags saying "Photoshopped Tweets" and "Let me repeat myself. These tweets are photoshopped!" and "These are not real!" I knew it wouldn't help which is why I wasn't surprised when somebody reblogged them with the tag "This is why I love Gail". No, that is why you love me!

• So what was going on previously? I think Batgirl and Catman were rutting in the park while Goatfly watched. That was so sexy I nearly happy accidented all over myself. Also Sue decided she wanted Ralph back because you can only hear "What two letters keep a car from going?" "M-T!" so many times before your vagina dries up and falls off. And Shiva was hunting Strix for secret assassin reasons.

• The title of this issue is "The Violence of Silence". It rhymes so it must be profound wisdom. Profound wisdom hasn't always rhymed. That's just a modern thing because modern people are easily impressed by people who can think up two words that sound almost identical. I wish Jesus had given all of his allegories in rhyme. With a good beat. He may as well have been a rapper since he had the biggest East Coast/West Coast rivalry of all time. Although the Romans weren't too good at drive-bys. They were better at long-occupation-bys.

• You know what caused the Roman civilization to collapse? Washing their hands of things! You can't just ignore problems by washing your hands and waving the problem away and going off to draw a cock on the wall! You have to fix the problem! And by "fix" I don't mean "affix to a giant cross."

• Oh! I think maybe the Roman civilization collapsed because of the violence of silence! Maybe? No? Am I on to something?

• I actually know a lot less about everything than I pretend to.

• No wait! I meant the reverse of that last bullet point!

• Currently Scandal and Knockout and Stripper Knockout are considering which vintage of sperm to sprinkle on their baby cakes.

• I actually know a lot more about doing it than I pretend to! Like how awesome it probably is!

I just realized how perfect these two are for each other! Not Catman and Batgirl! The pets! On walks, the dog shits and Goatfly eats it! No mess! Okay, the goat still makes a mess. But I don't think you're legally required to pick up goat droppings.

• A cop in Ralph's neighborhood calls Shiva "sweetcheeks". While not technically incorrect, it's probably a bad move.

• In every run-in I've ever had with the police, not one has ever been complimentarily degrading. I think my feelings are hurt.

• The cop also calls Shiva "little dumplin'", "lady", "hot stuff", and probably something else. I think he notices her feet are cute too but I can't confirm that since her feet are hidden in every panel. That's such a sexist move! Framing a woman so that you can't see her feet.

• Catman warns Porcelain to get Strix out of the house. Why? Shiva might be a deadly assassin but Strix is an immortal Talon! I'm confident Strix can take whatever Shiva has to dish out. Unless Shiva's here to taunt Strix for not fitting in and not having a family and being horribly emotionally and physically scarred by life. That might hurt.

• I just realized Strix and I have a lot in common!

See?

• Strix writes a note to Batgirl when everybody meets up on the front lawn. The note is "I hart your yelow boots" and not "Y did u byrds not git me an ipad, cheepsktes?"

• Shiva defeats everybody in one page. Probably to show how good she is and not because comic books are only twenty pages and Gail Simone would rather fill those few pages with more cute notes from Strix. I mean, it could be that! But I think it's more about Shiva's talent at ass-kicking.

• Shiva invites Strix to join the League of Assassins. Usually invites aren't threats against your loved ones but this is the League of Assassins. They like to put on a show.

• Strix accepts the offer to save her friends and new family! Tragedy!

Holy shit! You can print that kind of thi...oh. Wait. Sorry. Misread that!

• Batgirl gives Mary her yellow boots. How is Batgirl going to afford another pair of yellow Doc Martens?! Doesn't she still owe Black Canary a new van and a complete wardrobe and maybe an entirely new dojo too?

• Sue returns to the house and finds it filled with vagabonds, strays, and perverts. Wasn't that a Cher song? Or an Indigo Girls album?

• Ralph calls the Secret Six "strays" after I called them strays. Word stealer! Although he doesn't call them vagabonds or perverts.

• Sue brings Ralph his Elongated Man suit so that the Secret Six can learn how annoying he really is.

• The team decides to go save Strix from the League of Assassins! That fight might take longer than one panel.

Superman #47

Is this a Harley Quinn Variant or an Adult Coloring Book Variant?

From this point on, I'm going to add more dirty limericks to my reviews! And maybe some rhyming couplets. I'll also continue to throw in a lot of whining and carrying on about the state of DC Comics. Spoiler alert: it's not good! I mean, sometimes it is but nobody wants to hear me praising Omega Men and Grayson every week. Do they? Hmm. How about I start off with some limericks to get me in the mood? I don't what kind of mood I'm going for but I'm sure this will get me there.

Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"

It turned out Jim was not really dead.
"We knew it!" the fanboys all said.
Some posted smart theories,
Amidst genial queries,
But mostly they snorted and meh'd.

Shuperman fought hish twin made of shand,
Even though it wash not what he'd planned.
He made it go FWASH!
And it turned into glash.
I'm sho drunk I hardly can shtand.

I was going to argue against this because obviously the internet is only in places it can physically be stored but fuck me if we aren't really awash in it constantly thanks to wi-fi. I think that means we're all constantly covered in porn.

Way back when Clark's parents both died,
It was the first time that he realized,
Going to prom
Was what killed his mom
And he never was devirginized.

The message from Uncle Ben was more clear
Than the deaths of the people Clark held dear.
When Spider-man fled,
Ben wound up dead,
And then that thing about power I won't quote here.

The point I was trying to explain,
Before I was interrupted by my brain:
Jimmy's near passing
Had Superman asking,
"Do I cause all of my loved ones pain?"

That fucking Yurei is so fired!

That's probably enough limericks for now. I know it's tough to read so much highbrow art all at once so I'll bring the level of intellectual work you have to do as a reader down a few notches.

Hordr_root attacks Superman on Superman's new home turf, the House of Mythbrawl! That seems like a stupid idea which means it must be part of Hordr_root's incomprehensible plan! Superman and his Supergodfriends trap Hordr_root inside a wi-fi proof bubble so that he can't escape and Superman beats his ass. Finally! Now he just needs to unmask him! Although does he really? All he needs to do is find the internet troll that throws "sort of" into the middle of all of his sentences.

Superman doesn't kill Hordr_root even though he has the chance because...well, let's face it. He was never going to kill him no matter how many gods were cheering him on to do just that. But Hordr_root was hoping Superman would kill him because he had taken over Jimmy Olsen's body. Condesa sucks Hordr_root out of Jimmy's body and locks him in a portable drive with no Bluetooth. Does that mean this is the end of the Hordr_root story? I suppose Superman still has to find out how to get his power back from the Quarmers. That probably means it's time to interview Hordr_root.

Superman takes the hard drive to Mister Terrific for safe keeping. Does that mean Hordr_root becomes Brother Eye? Probably!

Jimmy soon realizes he has Hordr_root's memories. It turns out the original Hordr_root was one of Vandal Savage's children. But he was confined to a wheelchair and Vandal wouldn't accept him because of his physical limitations. So Hordr_root created a Frankenstein's monster version of himself and downloaded his personality into it. But it decided it wanted to be the only Hordr_root.

Vandal Savage is behind it all. And he's been planning to defeat Superman for 2000 years! Or something ridiculous. I forget exactly. But it was probably stupid.

Vandal Savage pays a visit to Mister Terrific and steals back his son. Hopefully this story will finish up in the Superman annual although I think it's going to drag out until Issue #50.

Superman #47 Rating: No change. I'm more than burned out on every Superman story revolving around his loss of power. Can Superman just get his powers back? Then stop writing stories where the conflict is how his powers are used against him or taken away from him. How about writing Superman stories where the fact that he has powers is inconsequential? I mean, not totally! He should still be Superman! But can he face some kind of conflict or dilemma where he doesn't have to lose his powers to make fixing the problem harder? Make the problem something that his powers can't easily fix! And don't make that some alien that's stronger than Superman so that Superman gets punched and says, "I actually felt that!" I'm so tired of that line. Exhausted by it! Be original, assholes!

Secret Six #9

Butts are touching.

I'm tired of trying to guess the secret. Eight issues in and it's yet to be revealed! This is bullshit. I wouldn't hang around reading a comic book called "Batman" for eight issues if he were never in it! Oh wait. That's exactly what I'm doing while Snyder gets this Commissioner Batman crap out of his system. Fine! I'll give it one more issue before I...well, I'm going to keep reading it. But I'm going to complain quite a bit!

Now that I brought up the secret, I'm a little bit nervous. What if the secret was already revealed and I missed it?! Was the secret that The Riddler was Mockingbird? Was the secret that Ferdie had a diamond shoved up his ass? Was the secret that Sue Dibny realized she wanted a normal lover because she was terribly creeped out by a Ralph's squidgy cock? Was the secret that Scandal gave the unnamed kitten to Catman? Was the secret that the kitten actually had a name and I've forgotten that as well?! Maybe the secret is that the secret isn't quite so fucking important as I thought it was. Maybe the secret is family! No wait. That's ohana.

The Secret Six have gone off with Etrigan to open the White Gate while the Enclave of Magic are trying to keep the White Gate closed. The Secret Six fucked everything up last issue so maybe Faust's group can fix things this issue.

I first read Swamp Thing's dialogue as "they're coming on everyone". Possibly because he looks like Zatanna's fucked up blow up doll here.

Back under the ocean, Ferdie reveals that he's got whatever power Ambush Bug has. Not teleportation! That one where he can speak directly to the reader. I don't know if he knows he's in a comic book or not but he definitely thinks he's in a Grant Morrison story. His power doesn't extend to hearing the reader though because I just asked him what the secret was and he didn't answer. I did show him my dick though.

He's totally into it.

Porcelain smashes the first Alabaster Uncircumcised Cock Statue just before the ocean rushes in. But Lord Arion's fish people cast a spell which teleports the Secret Six to safety. Catman flirts with Aquaman just before he's magically snatched away but Arthur is too dense to get it. Although his new uniform makes him look like he understood. Because it looks like he has an erection. Does nobody at DC care that Aquaman's makeover makes him look like he's constantly sporting a massive boner?

Arthur does try to warn Catman not to smash the other alabaster phalluses because it'll just let all of the Great Old Ones into their dimension. At this point, I don't think the team cares. They're just going to have to battle a bunch of ancient immortal all-powerful gods after they've saved Black Alice. They can probably handle it.

The next alabaster phallus is in a fancy dress party in some place called Perdition.

Strix shows that the Bat-Family policy of killing Talons might need to be reworked. Not that I didn't think that already! But how could any of them think they haven't just committed murder after seeing Talons display sentience and individual personalities?

The Six meet an orphan girl who shows them the way through the abandoned town and into the mine where the party is being held. No part of that previous sentence inspires confidence in the situation.

It turns out there isn't a party. Everybody just needed to dress fancy because this town is lost in time and people used to dress fancy when they knew somebody else might see them and then gossip about how awful their clothes were. It also turns out everybody in the town has died of starvation. They're still hanging about as ghosts because the mine is full of an ancient god affecting the local reality. It's name is Maggie and it asks the Secret Six to help free it by breaking its alabaster phallus. That might make the Six rethink their position on opening up strange portals.

Swamp Thing arrives to try to warn them as well but if the huge ancient god's declaration that it will end the universe when it's freed didn't sway them against destroying the White Gate, what argument can Swamp Thing come up with?

The alabaster phalluses aren't as phallusy as they were last issue.

Chaos is my jam too, Etrigan! This is my Work entry on Facebook: "Works at destroying the calm and embracing the chaos." I knew Etrigan was my favorite for a reason! Actually for several reasons. None of them pervy.

Ralph Dibny shoves the alabaster phallus into the head of Maggie, mortally wounding it. So I guess their plan is to just deal with the gods that wind up being unleashed. I doubt the other ones will be as easy to kill as Maggie was.

While the Six were off doing their mission, Scandal and Rag Doll were having adventures in babysitting with Black Alice. They battled some sphinxes and...well, that's all that happened, really. But Black Alice woke up and was told by Scandal that if her friends succeed in saving her, the world will end. So Black Alice decides she needs to die and asks Scandal Savage to kill her. I think she's asking the wrong Savage.

Secret Six #9 Rating: No change. None! I mean, some stuff happened and most of it was entertaining. And the art looked really nice. And something about the letterer because you have to mention the letterer in a proper review. Also the colorist! There were colors! Lots of them! It made the book not boring like all black and white comic books. So boring! Did anybody ever try to read Cerebus?! Pee-yuke! So black and white! And Elfquest was terrible until the colors were added! Although the colors that were added in the Father Tree Press editions were never as good as the colors in the Starblaze Graphics editions! I don't think color matters when it comes to the letterer though so if you're a Letterer Fucker (that's a person who is such a fan of letterers that they love to fuck them at conventions), Cerebus is probably a pretty good comic book! Although Dave Sim is the writer, artist, and letterer so you won't be fucking him because the last time I heard, he was celibate. He doesn't even masturbate! It's against his religion which is Christjewslam or something. Um. Anyway. Ten stars!

Secret Six #8

Etrigan is my favorite DC character of all time. I don't think that was a secret.

What's the secret?!

Have we figured out the secret yet? It's been almost a year since this comic book began and my memory doesn't retain information across that much space. Or is it time? Is there really a difference? My favorite concept of time was from Elfquest when somebody or another (probably an elf!) said that thing about time being just things and places to put them. Or something. Remember that part earlier when I said I don't retain information very well?

Since this book is about secrets, I thought maybe I'd begin by telling one of my own. Not my most deepest darkest secret, of course! That's between me and Satan. This is just a little secret that's embarrassing and which I wouldn't tell you if I knew any of you personally.

When I was a single digit little boy, I would sometimes wake up at night needing to pee. And even though my childhood bedroom had its own bathroom just three feet away from my bed, I would often be too scared to go into the bathroom. I don't know what I was scared of but it must have had something to do with opening a door and passing through a portal. So instead of walking a few feet into the bathroom to use the toilet, I would go into the corner of my bedroom with the closet door to my right (also scary!) and the heating vent to the left and I would pee on the rug. It was yellow shag carpeting and I think it did a decent job sopping up the pee. Plus the heating vent probably helped dry it up. Being a disgusting little kid, I don't know how badly it smelled or how often I really did it. I did it for a long enough period of time that the rug was crunchy and hard in that corner of the room but not long enough so that the floor collapsed underneath me. Eventually one of the cats began, occasionally, using that corner to poop. I think my mom cleaned that up and then just assumed that the cat had been peeing in that corner for a long time. It's not like my mom knew the difference between cat urine and stupid scared little kid urine. So I basically lived in a toilet.

How about we all just pretend that I made up the previous secret and enjoy my reactions to this comic book now?

This issue begins with a caveman being visited by a monolith. Or some Great Old Ones. Something that made him crack up and turn violent. They're probably mankind's neighbors living just down the lane past the White Gate. It's probably those Great Old Ones that the Occult Collective of Magic-Users are trying to keep from RSVPing to Black Alice's pubescent magical awakening. Oh, what a magical time in a young magic girl's magic life! To be young again but this time a girl so I could experience the confusion of my crazily changing body! So I could go through major hormonal shifts as I tried to figure out who I was and my place in the world! And during all of this chaotic business of becoming a woman, I would have to constantly fend off unwanted passes by the most disgusting and vile creatures to ever be thought of as sentient: man! Although if that cute boy with the floppy blond hair that sits two seats up and three seats over in Algebra made a pass at me, I don't know what I'd do! Seriously. What would I do? Let him touch my shoulder? Does that do it for girls? Maybe let him tell me my hair looks clean? Oh! I know! I'd put some extra OOMPH! in my skip as I left class so that my skirt would rise up just enough so that he'd see the big bruise on my thigh and he'd know I totally love playing tackle football!

Oh! Oh! Flygoat is a recurring character! Now I'm less angry at Gail Simone for hurting the poor goat. He looks happy!

Just inside the hospital, past the goat with the fly's head (pay him no heed. He's cool eating flowers), Klarion and his friends are trying to send Black Alice to Limbo. But she's decided to channel Swamp Thing and Amethyst and Black Orchid and Cheetah and Zatanna and Madame Xanadu and Blue Devil and Morgaine le Fey! Felix Faust notices that she didn't choose to channel any of his power because his power smells like old man farts. Probably. Alice pins her rivals to the wall (after making Cheetah naked (Is this where I say meow? That would be wrong, right? Because Cheetahs don't meow)) but before she can go any further, I just have to scan this scene that interrupted the action.

The last time I dressed as a comic book character it was as Captain Cold for a gaming convention I threw for my friends in 2003. Now I have a costume for my next one: mini-golf Etrigan!

The person saying "Perhaps I can help?" It's an Atlantean. One of the magic ones descended from Arion from Warlord and not one of the fishy ones that legally has to take Aquaman seriously.

The Daughter of Arion and Black Orchid help explain what's happening to the two separate groups of Secret Six members. Arion built the White Gate to keep the Great Old Ones at bay. And now Black Alice is tearing it down the way teenagers tend to tear shit down. You know, recklessly and without regards to consequence and hopefully to maybe get laid by that guy two seats up and three seats over in Algebra. The only way to stop the Great Old Ones from coming through completely is to either destroy some uncircumcised albino penises or to protect them. One of those depending on if you want to team up with Etrigan and Arion's Kids or Felix Faust and Klarion. Since Klarion doesn't currently have Teekl with him, it's not even a close choice for me. Etrigan all the way!

Yay! The team makes the right choice! Now if only somebody will convince most of them to stay home so that this simply becomes Brave and the Bold style comic book starring just Etrigan and Ferdie.

Big Shot hires probably the worst babysitters in the DC You (aside from Red Hood and Arsenal): Scandal Savage and Rag Doll. Since Jeannette is a banshee and thus magical and thus can be sucked dry by Alice's deviant young lusts, she goes to destroy the albino penises with the Secret Six. This family is getting too big to justify the "six" on the cover. It's like in the eighties when 80% of the Teen Titans weren't teens anymore! They eventually fixed that by simply removing the "teen" from the title but not after they'd already tried to justify the "teen" by bringing in that awful buzzkill Danny Chase.

Arion's Kids send Etrigan, Strix, Catman, Big Shot (Ralph!), Shawna, Ferdie, Jeannette and Porcelain to Atlantis. But she warns them that they might have to battle the "false king" to do so. I guess Aquaman really treasures his eight foot tall penis statue.

He's blocking his costume phallus with his gift from Poseidon phallus!

Catman and Aquaman scuffle which completely blocks out any thought of helping Alice as everybody sits around to watch the beefcake battle. But when their makeshift bubble at the bottom of the sea begins collapsing, everybody gets back to work. They do manage to free the mighty white phallus but too late. The sea comes collapsing in on them and they...well, come on. They obviously don't die! Aquaman probably calls in some saddled up sea horses to whisk them away to safety. But Arion's Kids believe they've died. They shed their skin and head into the sea to find some other suckers to break the pillars of the White Gate for them. Whoops. I guess Etrigan's team was the wrong side to choose! But you can't blame them. Who would ever agree to be on Felix Faust's team? The Occult Collective of Magic-users really should have put more thought into who they'd have representing their side. Black Alice is a young hip kid! Klarion might have been a decent choice but you don't send him in their with Whispy Haired Grandpa Smells Like Farts.

Secret Six #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sometimes I feel like some comic books don't need to be reviewed. I feel like they should just sell because people who want to read well-written comic books aren't totally stupid and will pick up the comic books worth reading. But then I remember that The Movement was cancelled because the assumption I just laid out in the previous sentence must be wrong. Also, Image is really putting on a good show and taking most of the money of discriminating comic book readers! And most of the comic book readers today never lived through the years where Image nearly destroyed comic books forever. All they know is that Image is a terrific company that gives writers and artists the chance to sell work they own and which they truly care about. Sure, it was like that in the nineties too (kind of. I mean, many of the founders also slipped into the work-for-hire bullshit that caused them to start Image in the first place) but a lot of the art and stories back then were a fucking mess. Anyway, if any of y'all have an extra $2.99 to spend each month and you aren't currently reading Secret Six, give it a chance. And if you don't like it, you can pretend I called you a douchebag after you finish.

Now stop being cheapskates and go participate in making me wealthy for writing comic book reviews! Go here and be joyous!