The Crusades #5 (September 2001)

Ah! My old friend, Duncan Fegredo!

Duncan's not actually my friend. That was a figure of speech. He did quite a few covers for one of my all-time favorite comic books, Peter Milligan's Shade the Changing Man. He also did the interiors on Milligan's classic, Enigma. It's nice to see some of his work here. The artist's work on the covers of this series, just five issues in (six!), have been absolutely stunning: Bill Sienkiewicz, Christopher Moeller, Kent Williams, Daniel Zezelj, and Lee Loughridge. How did this series not do huge numbers looking so stunning on the shelves? Just gorgeous paintings sitting next to all those other four-color covers. Although it was Vertigo, so if it was sitting with all the other Vertigo titles, maybe they just didn't stand out. What with Dave McKean building fucking sculptures for Sandman and whatnot!

Last issue ended with loads of non-houseless witnesses catching sight of the knight just before he disembowels a bunch of The Pope's men. I only mention that the eyewitnesses aren't houseless because we must face the facts of the status quo: they will never believe anything a person filthy from living on the streets says. The status quo proudly wears the blinders of their peers and refuse to listen to somebody who may be mentally ill, or struggling with addiction, or simply down on their luck and unshowered. The status quo fucking suck dolphin dick. That's a multi-tiered insult because just imagine how horrified you'd be if you saw somebody sucking a dolphin's dick. You'd be all, "That's fucking disgusting! And yet they went through all the effort of finding a pod of dolphins in the ocean so that they could engage in this perverse way!" But then you're mind would clear a bit from the shock of the strange sight of a dolphin's penis being absolutely munched on by this weirdo and you'd have a much clearer thought: "That dolphin did not consent!" But then the dolphin would probably lock eyes on you and wink and you'd realize the dolphin was totally into it. Dolphins are horny!

This month's lyrics from Pope Urban II:

Oh religion! You take every opportunity to prove your arbitrary shittiness!

The worst leaders in the world encourage the worst people in the world every way they can. And by letting everybody know that their sins have been pre-absolved, Pope Urban lets them loose on the Jews and Muslims to do their worst. The Pope knows he's pre-forgiving murder, rape, theft, and blasphemy. He's proclaiming, "Anybody who wages a war of terror in the Church's name shall stand among God's chosen!" As if God had not already proclaimed the things His followers must not do. As if the living representation of God can say and do and proclaim whatever they want and God just has to sit there and shut the fuck up. Man, if the God of Christianity were real, and everything that led to the building of the Catholic Church was because of God, don't you think He'd have rained feces on Rome for forty days and forty nights? Don't you think He would have punished Pope Urban some...what's that? Pope Urban II died before ever learning of the conquest of Jerusalem? Praise God!

Let's play a fun game! Let's see what else Pope Urban II said while telling a bunch of Christians that all their sins will be forgiven if they die in this war against the Muslims and Jewish people:

All who die by the way, whether by land or by sea, or in battle against the pagans, shall have immediate remission of sins. This I grant them through the power of God with which I am invested. O what a disgrace if such a despised and base race, which worships demons, should conquer a people which has the faith of omnipotent God and is made glorious with the name of Christ! With what reproaches will the Lord overwhelm us if you do not aid those who, with us, profess the Christian religion!

So big shot Pope Urban II immediately reminds people that he's allowed to speak for God so shut up. He also reminds them that the infidels are demon worshiping jerk-faces. And if that wasn't enough to get all the lazy poor assholes not suffering enough for God already off of their fat asses, he surmises, "Just think how worse God will make your life if you don't do this!" People love to defend religion because it brings hope to so many and I sometimes let down my militaristic atheist guard at that thought and agree, "Yeah, yeah. It must bring comfort, believing that nonsense." But that comfort is a selfish comfort where somebody cares only about their own immortal ego! And by caring so much about their ego surviving the terror of death and nonexistence, they'll do almost anything their spiritual leaders demand of them in the name of God! I know I'm ranting at shit that happened one thousand years ago but I also have eyes that can look out of my window today and ears that can hear the self-serving demands for faith and loyalty and a nose to smell the stinking rot of decaying souls perfumed up with patriotism and Christian pride!

I'm so much happier when I just ignore it all! But especially those jerks who express disdain for atheists as if they live in a world where atheists are forcing their opinions down their throats on the daily. I wish atheists were as vocal as Christians and pseudo-Christians! The status quo are so attuned to hearing daily Christian messages in the most mundane aspects of their everyday lives that they just don't even register them anymore. They're fucking constant and everywhere. But then one person responds to some religious thing quoted at them with, "Enh, I'm an atheist," and whoa Nelly! Look out! How dare an atheist express their areligious status! What a fucking whiny narcissist! What an overbearing chud of a human being! How dare they shit all over the comfort people gain from religion by saying, "I'm an atheist!" Bah! Go fuck yourselves!

I'd like to point out that I'm writing a blog post on my blog not directed at any person. It's impersonal. But anybody responding to this with attacks against me are personal attacks and they will not be permitted! I do not permit them! You are not remitted in entirety all penance for all your bully sins!

Oh shit! I forgot there was a massacre taking place!

I don't think this is the real knight. He's missing his snake horns!

Is this the first time the knight's been shown from a perspective that wasn't explicitly somebody else's story or Venus's frame for reference alone? We've seen how she sometimes daydreams and gets lost in her own fantasies. Could her witnessing of the knight have been exaggerated by her imagination? Could this be the same knight but seen more realistically? Or is it a fake? I think it's a fake because I'm one of those Internet dudes who doesn't believe anything just so that I'm never fooled by anything who then goes on to believe every shallow conspiracy theory by some YouTube crackpot. "I'm too intelligent to be fooled by mainstream ideas! I only believe theories formed from the fluffy cobwebs of some nutcase's mind that have never been tainted by the process of experimentation!"

The knight gets shot in the helmet a bunch and it looks like the bullets have gone right through yet he keeps on fighting.

And he's got the voice! I'll admit, there's a 3% chance that I could be wrong about this being a fake!

On closer inspection of some previous panels, it looks like the bullets are ricocheting off of the helmet. So I'll lower my chance of being wrong to 0.03%.

All the priests running screaming into the hallway forgetting that God has their back even more than regular people. Unless maybe they never really believed that? They find the door barred from the outside and begin sweating like a priest trapped in a dead-end hallway with a paranormal knight slaughtering people just around the corner. Is that a saying? If not, I guess I just coined it. You can use it if you want. It's about as comprehensible as any of Jesus's parables! Probably more so. It's plainly stated; it's just not catchy.

The knight winds up killing one of the priests as the criminals throw him in the knight's way and flee further into the school. That's okay. If he's an actual knight from the Crusades, he's got carte blanche to commit as many sins as he wants in the name of his mission. I just learned that like five pages ago!

Meanwhile, Anton Marx has been hauled into the police precinct to be questioned by Petronas again. But this time, the detective has a warrant so he can hold Anton as long as he wants. Or until Anton's lawyer starts talking about suing the city.

The Pope's men have one move: throwing more of The Pope's men into the knight's weapons.

Father Trinidad (the priest being paid by The Pope) discovers Venus and leads her away from the carnage. One of the other priests remembers Jesus once said, "I kick ass for the Lord!" So he's going to help himself and go take the school back from The Pope's thugs. It's possible he became brave because he heard all the criminals being slaughtered by the knight and then it went quiet and now he's all, "I'm going to do something!"

Venus didn't actually want to move away from the carnage so once Father Trinidad runs off to help the other priests, she wanders back into the school where she, once again, comes face to face with the knight.

What the fuck was Kelley Jones on when he drew that first panel? Or should I blame the inker, Jason Moore?

After that panel in which Venus looks like Ms. Plasticman, Cameron Stewart takes over on the inking. Maybe something terrible happened to Jason Moore as he was drawing that panel?! Maybe he just got frustrated because Seagle hadn't given him a panel to draw Venus's nipples and this was already halfway through the comic book. He had to take some time off to draw some covers for The Dead to get right with the world once more.

Cameron Stewart takes over just in time for some people to die!

This doesn't look anything like hipster Batgirl!

That's the priest who decided to take back the night. He shoots the jaw off some thug's face and then gets got by the knight for having done justice in the name of the Lord while not having Pope Urban II's blessing. Evil is evil so you gotta pay, you know? I mean evil is evil if Pope Urban II hasn't pre-forgiven you!

Nearly everybody dies except Venus and Father Trinidad and a few nameless priests of the New Jerusalem School. Also the guy who got his hand cut off earlier gets his leg cut off too. He escapes because Seagle's giving him the Garth Ennis treatment. He's still got plenty of body parts to lose in subsequent issues. Priest Rambo gets his brains blown out as well. Ultimately, only four major witnesses survive (the priests of New Jerusalem School don't count. They didn't really see much): Venus, Father Trinidad, Mr. One Hand and One Leg, and one other of The Pope's men. He might have a name but what am I? His father's keeper's keeper of his son's name?

The knight paints another cross from blood and shit and flies it over the New Jerusalem School. Is that his headquarters now? Venus doesn't get any answers about who he is; Father Trinidad tells her he's "the knight," like some smart-ass motherfucker who needs a mace to the skull. And Anton admits to everybody that he didn't ever know the identity of the knight but that he wasn't lying because what he meant was he knows the kind of guy the knight is. He's another smart-ass mother fucker who needs a medieval weapon bashing.

The Crusades #5 Rating: B-. So that's the end of the First Crusade. It ended with a bit of a whimper which might be why, ultimately, I found this title pretty forgettable. The knight's just some medieval Batman who may or may not kill you as soon as rescue you being that his code of ethics are a complete fucking mystery to everybody. What if he begins killing street masturbators? Are those a thing? Those must be a thing, right? Am I protesting too much about knowing about street masturbators? Heck I barely know what masturbation is let alone streets! I'm inside like 95% of the time! You're a street masturbator!

Batgirl #50

Frankie is looking HAWT.

The Review
I really love Batgirl of Burnside and for some reason, I didn't have it in the highly recommended category on my review site. Or whatever I call it. Must reads? Best of DC? Books with the perkiest tits? Anyhow, it's one of my favorites and I've rectumified the error.

The Commentary
Dear Diary,

Today I filled in a crossword puzzle with only the word penis, and a sudoku with only little images of cocks. I did this at the laundromat with a magazine I found lying near the washer I was using. I needed to do laundry because I sniffed the gusset on every single one of my underpants and all of them smelled like I had just come back from programming class staring at the hot guy three seats up and four seats over who has a pleasant habit of touching his crotch while he thinks through a logic problem. I don't know if that's actually a pleasant habit but I know I enjoy watching it because he's totally doing it subconsciously so I feel like I'm spying on something nasty. Sometimes I think of asking him out and putting his hand in my lap and saying, "Write a program to determine the least number of moves a person can make to win at Checkers if their opponent moves their far right-hand piece first." Oh god, I feel tingly! Why don't I just have the balls to ask him--or anybody!--on a simple fuck date!

I wonder if Steph or Harper eat pussy?

I am so pent up!

Look at this rear end! How has no tongue ever tracked it's way across my butthole, over my taint, and straight on til morning?!

Why can't I be as popular with the boys as I am with supervillains, whackjobs, and serial killers?! I don't even mind if a guy just wants me for my hot perky bod! I'm sick of guys going after me for my mind, like that one guy whose name I can't remember when I first got to Burnside or that other guy whose name I can't remember because he's been stealing all of my memories or that other guy who was a cop but I fucked up my chance with him. And before that, the only people after me were women! That was weird. And hot in a way. I don't know if I really want to kiss another woman but I wouldn't mind some oral sex from one. That's not Batgay, is it?

Oh, I remembered the name of the guy whose ass I kicked yesterday! The Fugue! More like the Fugly, amirite, Diary?! That creep went through my underwear drawer, so he had to pay!

We should start a band named Hawt Bitches. We would all have cool nicknames like Bootyspread, Grumpfuck, Virgin Slut, Accidental Blowjob, and Electric Bungholelube. It would be like the girl version of Gwar! Except instead of blood and violence, we'd shower the audience with nudity and sex juices! Also maybe blood and violence since Black Canary--I mean Grumpfuck!--will be in the group.

Fugue thought up this overly complicated plan to murder thousands of people and blame it all on me. What's up with Gotham Baddies trying to ruin my sparkling--if too pure--reputation?! What the poop did I do?! It's a good thing I had the girl band with me to take out Fugue's allies while I dealt with him. It's like I have my own little Batfamily of hawt little super sluts!

Electric Bungholelube took out Killer Moth by grasping his goo gun and turning it around on him, spraying the sticky ejaculate all over his body until he couldn't move. Ugh! I'm so jealous!

Accidental Blowjob was up against the Jawbreakers which, now that I've written it down, is totes fitting! I saw the recordings of the fight and at one point, Accidental Blowjob says, "It looks like I'm gonna have my hands full down there." Oh man! Why didn't she say "mouth" instead of "hands"?! I mean, I know why she didn't. Because she doesn't know I've been calling her Accidental Blowjob. Although if she knew, she'd probably just smile and laugh and say, "Oh yeah! I would totally accidentally blow a guy! Probably when I was just going to shake hands or something!"

Or Accidental Blowjob! Maybe the Purple Peepee Eater?

Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube wound up having to battle Corporal Punishment as well as the Jawbreakers. Christ, even without my silly sexy codenames, this adventure I just had sounds like a porn movie. Corporal Punishment? What was she planning on doing? Putting Batman over her knee? Bane already did that! HA!

Not that Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube couldn't take care of a simpleton like Corporal Punishment themselves but I still sent Bootyspread along to help. And by "sending Bootyspread", of course I meant Bootyspread hacked into the Gotham Police Department and took control of one of their Batman Robots! We've actually begun calling Bootyspread "Operator" which doesn't really help tone down the porniness of the story.

Bootyspread might need to work on her one-liners.

Fugue spread some video of me telling everybody to meet on the bridge so he could blow it up and kill them all. Not only is he trying to blame me for his massacre, he also made me say "an historic"! Ugh! Pee-yuke! What a pretentious twat! Farts! I hope nobody remembers this and goes around thinking I talk like that!

Grumpfuck was given the task of battling Velvet Tiger and just thinking about it has me all steamy in the underpants. Now those are women! I can't imagine ever being old enough to feel like a real woman like Black Canary or Velvet Tiger! I imagine they meet a man and they take his cock in hand and they know exactly what to do with it and where to put it and when to put it there! I would be all, "Does it go in here yet? How about now? What about in here? Can it go in here first and then in here or would that be gauche and unsanitary?!" I imagine there were at least three orgasms during the battle of Grumpfuck and Velvet Tiger!

In the end, Fugue's entire plan was just to rob a bank. Well, that didn't stop my plan of kicking his ass from going on as, um, planned! Yeah!

Oh my god. I give myself such a huge boner!

Oh, and by the way, Diary, I started my own business! Well, "my own" if you forget about Luke Fox being my "partner". I hope he doesn't have any hangups about sex between coworkers! Or about coworkers masturbating on his office chair after hours while smelling the musk from the t-shirt he left in his locker in the corporate gym!

Batgirl #46

I bet Spoiler's diary is full of stories that end in sexual gratification.

Dear Diary,
You are the worst, Diary. The absolute worst. You sit there on the bedside table judging me and my painfully intact maidenhead! Every time I pick you up to write in you, I can hear your pages flop with ennui! You probably wish you'd been purchased by some super slut who bangs guys left and right and anally! Well, I've got news for you, Diary! I'm a super slut too! It's just that I'm trapped in the body of an untouchable monster that withers dicks by walking in the room! Apparently! Maybe virginity is the price I'm paying for loving justice so much! I just don't have time to hang out at the roller rink in my jeans just tight enough to begin camel toeing but not quite enough for anybody to talk about it. I'd be flipping my hair back and forth while giggling at all the boys jokes! Sometimes I'd get real flirty and hang on the back of one of them imagining their cock stiffening in their pants at the pressure of my boobs pressed against them! Maybe one of them--not quite the one I'm interested in but perhaps one that's kind of cute and funny and outgoing--will ask me to skate doubles with him! His hand would enfold mine as we skate counter-clockwise around the rink, my hip occasionally bumping his, my heart thrilling, my labia swelling! Eventually, after weekend upon weekend spent at the roller rink, flirting and laughing and teasing, maybe I'd wind up in the back seat of his car with my pants around my ankles as he timidly explores my nether regions, first with his fingers and then--if courage and lust overtake him--with his tongue! Then after I experienced my first orgasm from another person (mostly due to the experience and less due to his experience), I'd unzip his jeans and pull them down around his thighs. I'd see his cock straining against his tight whiteys and I'd eagerly pull at the elastic band to see it spring up into view. I'd take a deep breath of his aroma and gently wrap my hand around his thickness. Then he'd probably come immediately and I'd be a little bit upset when some of his semen got on the arm of my jumper. But I'd smile and giggle and we'd clean up quickly, redress, and head back into the rink where he'd probably play video games with his friends and fucking ignore me for the rest of the night. Hmm. That fantasy was real nice up until the end! Now I'm sort of glad I'm a virgin for justice!

Nadimah and I have been working on this project to make Burnside safer by being nosy and collecting as much information as the locals as we can. We're kind of being extremely pushy but that's because people in this area just don't know what's good for them! Stop doubting me and just trust me, you old people! What we noticed was that gentrification is gentrifying the gentrifiable gentrifications. Gentrification gentrification gentrification! It's all so gentrification I can't gentrificate!

Ugh! Sorry about that! I'm so sleepy! But I guess when you change up your whole superhero look and attitude so that it screams "hipster," you only really have one theme to your battles: gentrification! It's like Batman is kind of crazy so his battles are all about madness. And Superman is all about being noble and trustworthy so all of his battles are with selfish bastards. So now I've decided to live in Gothipster Central, so I'm just going to have to deal with evil real estate developers and construction companies who don't really care more about improving the neighborhood than improving their bank account. It is nice to be able to judge them though! "That is wrong, yous!" I shout while wagging my finger at them and pouting my lips to show my disapproval! "Old people and poor people need low rents in safe neighborhoods, by gum!" Then I'll swivel my hips around and put my waggy finger up to my chin and furrow my cute little brows. "It's good to improve the neighborhood but not at the expense of the current residents, don't you know?!" Then I'll cover my mouth with both hands and say "Tee hee!" before swinging away from the thoroughly chastised bad guys.

It's only a matter of time before I find myself face to face with Wayne Enterprises!

This is totally how gangs work and super believable to boot!

So while out doing some routine patrols to keep the hipster gangs to a minimum, I ran into this bald guy named Lewis. He was all, "Secrecy secrets conspiracy secrets secrets!" And I was all, "Oh shootz!" And he was all, "Shh!" And I was all, "Mums!" We agreed to talk elsewhere later because that's how these kinds of clandestine meetings are arranged. I couldn't really tell how attractive he was so my vagina didn't care about the meeting as much as my brain did. My brain was all, "How do you pop a boner because I am super excited!"

So before I went out to meet this guy, Frankie showed me some neural implant she got for some superhero reason. Oh wait! I remember! It was to be my motorcycle! AnySwayze, I finally decided to stop being a Grump Canary when it came to Frankie being a superhero and we Clit Swore to become BFF Partners! Neither one of us could still voice how she's chosen the name Oracle but has still never flippin' said it. I'm not saying it first! She really needs to say it first!

So after we got done making out and getting all sloppy, I headed out to meet Lewis.

Great. Lewis was trying to drag me into Gotham Mob crap!

So that was it! I had to track down Spoiler and help her. Then maybe after that, I'd point out how I was getting a league of hot young girls together to fight crime! We'd be totally doing it for justice so any vag massages we needed to give each other after big battles wouldn't be gay at all!

I found Spoiler just as she was battling some weird Japanese Elvis Yu-Gi-Oh Wolverine dude. He might have been tough in Osaka but this is Gotham, baby! Tough in Osaka is puppysville in Gotham! Spoiler and I beat the crap out of him easy! With the help of Orac...um, Frankie as the Batgirl-Cycle! Not my menses, Smartass Diary.

So I set Spoiler up in this apartment of this person I know that was probably named Tim or Dick or somebody named the guy I was totally going to bang soon. AnySwayze, I had a big date and I was exhausted! So I knew I wasn't going to become a woman that night because I was going to pass out if I got anywhere near a bed. Unless, of course, Luke is like a total sleep creeper! Probably not, right, Diary?

It could be. But you did hear the part where it's somebody else's, right, Mister Sleep Creeper?!

Oh yeah! I was also having sleep paralysis! But that's totally normal and probably not at all related to some weird super-villain, right Diary?!

Then just before hitting bed tonight, I saw that old lady whose son we promised to help on the news. Her son was being arrested and she was screaming stupid bullpoop about how it was my fault because I promised to keep him safe. Hey, old lady! How about blaming your stupid son for getting into gangs in the first place, hunh?! I'm just trying to friggin' help, you old cow! Garsh! I'm so angry!

Batgirl #46 Rating: No change. Are people really as petty and stupid as the old lady at the end of this comic book? Her son chooses to join a gang. Her son gets arrested. She blames Batgirl because Batgirl said she'd help her son. Lobotomize that old lady! Euthanize her! And then put a bullet in the head of every comic book character that doesn't know how to assign blame and responsibility! Although if I'm angry at characters that are always punishing or blaming the wrong person, I suppose I should be really angry at the original gangster of misdirected blame: God! That guy really knew how to punish the wrong people! I suppose the other thing that's going to happen in this comic book is Luke Fox is going to fuck Spoiler and Batgirl is going to go back to pining for Dick. If you know what I mean! You should know because that wasn't subtle at all.

Batgirl #45

What is the traditional time during the reception to fuck in the closet?

Dear Diary,
Today I was the hottest bridesmaid in all of the land. I was so hot that Alysia and Jo were probably upset that they invited me to be in their wedding. I also didn't wear any underpants! Not for sexy reasons! It wasn't like anybody was going to get an "accidental" glimpse of my goodies when I bent over to pick up whatever I fake dropped next to the cute boy anyway with all of that chiffon in the way. I didn't wear underpants so I could just swing the entire dress over my head and simply sit down when I needed to pee. And I was going to have to pee a lot because I was planning on drinking one whole glass of champagne! Oh! I also planned to do the dress over the head trick after the reception when I sat on Luke's face! My worst fear was that I was so eager to have anything with testosterone touching my lady petals that I was going to scream at the officiant to just hurry the fudge up with the vows cause I got a date with an orgasm!

Okay, yes, Diary. Alysia looked pretty hot. But she was supposed to look hot! She was wearing the wedding dress! I was in Prom Reject Formal and I was still killing it! Although one misstep with the not wearing underpants, Diary? I didn't realize how nice it was going to feel when the dress rubbed against my bare ass all night. And then dancing with Luke! And then later when that other thing happened that I'll get to! Constant fear that I was leaving a trail around the reception hall like some super horny garden slug. I hate to throw a spoiler about how the night went, Diary, but I have to say that there's no way sex is better than walking around in a constant state of anticipating sex! It's like my entire body was an erogenous zone and everything at the wedding was an erect penis!

I was lying! My most important job of the day was milking Luke's penis until he died of dehydration.

After helping Luke tie his stupid nerd tie, I came within twenty seconds of being defiled! Is that how long men usually last? The way I'm constantly wound up, I probably only need about three seconds before I explode. But just when Luke and I were about to untie that stupid tie so I could rub my vagina all over his naked chest, stupid Dick Grayson slipped through the window and interrupted.

I may have had an orgasm at this point. It may have been caused by seeing one Dick and feeling another. On another note, my shoes were ruined.

So Dick climbs in the window and he's all, "Who are you, hot African American youngster with the obvious erection in your slacks?!" And I was all, "He's the guy who's going to take my innocence later tonight! If you, you know, want to help, I suppose that would be okay." And Luke was all, "Blargle flargle dargle whut whut WHUT?!" See, Diary, he hadn't heard that Dick Grayson had only faked his death like a big jerk. I mean, if you're going to fake your death, you don't do it the Batman way! You tell your friends! Especially your friends who want to have that benefits deal! You definitely tell that friend! Maybe you even whisper it sweetly into her vagina! Maybe you write a romantic poem about how much it's going to break your heart to have to leave and remain out of contact for awhile! Maybe you take pictures of your lonely penis and send them to a secret email account that this erotic friend registered to house all of her clandestine and adult missives! What you don't do is leave and not say anything which totally causes you to miss your chance at deflowering the most beautiful ass in Gotham because she's moved on to a guy who--let's face it--is actually much hotter than Dick Grayson! And possibly too hot for me! Good thing I have the superhero gimmick to bump up my hotness by a few points!

My mouth said no while my vagina said, "GURGLE SPLOOSH GARGLE WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR WATERFALL!"

Look, Diary. This is not the time and place for intellectual and philosophical quandaries! You're not where I write my code and work on my college thesis! I was at a wedding today! You're going to have to forgive me if my mind seems to be a bit more on getting laid than it usually is (which is usually a lot). I was in the testosterone cloud of two very sexy men! If the room had had a fainting couch, I would have fainted all over that thing! Probably immediately after hiking my dress up over my head while yelling, "You both have consent!"

AnySwayze, Diary, you won't be surprised when I tell you I went out the window with Dick Grayson. I mean, I was definitely going to be straddling Luke's muscular thighs later that night so I should probably give Dick one last chance at being my first! I deserved it! He didn't deserve it but I'm pretty sure I deserved it! Dick was always the most nimble and agile and competent Batkid. We all knew he would one day take over Batman's job and Gotham would be better for it. So there's no way he isn't also super duper competent at making clitorises swoon.

Oh my god he touches his penis with that finger!

Yes, I sparred on the roof in my bridesmaid gown with Dick. Don't start trying to guess how this story ends, Diary! I'm sure you're thinking I lost the ring and didn't realize it and almost ruined the wedding but then Dick surreptitiously gets the ring back to me just before Alysia murders me with her eyeballs. I'm telling this story and you'll learn how many people I had sex with before I'm done! Just hold your pages!

Dick took the ring right off of my neck, Diary. He did it so that I'd chase him. He never could just have a simple conversation. It was always sentence, jump onto a roof, half a sentence, back flip into midair, half a sentence, swing on a pole, two sentences, land on awning, half a sentence, triple flip to sidewalk, finish the sentence, super hot smile. I knew I couldn't chase him across Gotham in my dress so I quickly got into my Batgirl suit and went off after him.

I would like to say it ended in super awesome sex but...well, you've read my other entries, Diary. You know how hurt I was when he barely acknowledged me while alive, how much my heart broke when he died, how much I found out my heart still could break when I found out he was alive...and now he was reaching out to me. Now. After he saw me with another guy. Has he been spying on me with his Spyral eyes?! Anyway. Why now, Dick? Why admit that you've had feelings for me all this time? Why tell me when...Christ, Diary. Just...just fucking Christ.

Oh yeah. He's got it bad.

I forgot to mention that Grump Canary was playing the wedding and reception. At least now that Dinah has the music gig, she's stopped giving me a hard time about burning all of her raggedy clothes!

AnySwayze, I made it back in time to be the hottest bridesmaid of the year! Dinah was all, "When I have a wedding, I'm going to call my bridesmaids 'birdsmaids!'", and nobody laughed! Well, okay, maybe some people laughed. But I totally didn't! Although I have to admit that would be a fun wedding. Strix and I would ruin that wedding cake! As long as Dinah wasn't getting married to that idiot Condor! I'd probably have to decline to be in that blasphemy of romance.

So then the wedding happened and it was all, "I do!", and "I do!", and big gay kiss! It was super romantic if you're into that kind of thing and everybody was weepy and joyous and all that crap. If you want the details, you should probably contact Alysia's or Jo's Diary, Diary. I'm not going to go into all the details of somebody else's big day that totally didn't involve me at all and made my vagina feel like a cavernous death trap that no man dare enter. I mean, the ceremony was cute and whatever.

And then I came home early in the morning and wrote this entry because Luke Fox is a gentleman. Ugh. Why am I always meeting gentlemen?! Before Dick arrived, he was all "I have a one track mind!" and "I like to say things that sound like I'm suggesting we fuck but I'm really just talking about things that aren't fucking at all! Ha ha!" And then Dick knocked Luke off of his game and now here I am all alone! Stupid Grayson. He owes me one huge orgasm!

Batgirl #45 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is cute even though I would like it to be dirty. It is entertaining but needs more fucking in it. Sometimes the crime happens and Batgirl must change into her outfit but she never gets out of her underpants on-panel. That is a mistake that should be corrected. Luke Fox never showed his penis and that was okay but more people would have purchased this issue if he showed his penis. DC Comics should listen to my advice and make their comic books with more sex in them. Sometimes the sex could even be boring and take place in only the missionary position with the woman on the bottom. I would even enjoy that even though no animal on Earth does it in that manner. Maybe that is proof that mankind has a soul! Because they fuck in a weird and awkward position. You should read Batgirl even though it never attempts to make the reader horny. It is still a good comic book to enjoy.

Batgirl #44

Sploosh.

Dear Diary,
I have so much to tell you that I'm holding in a mega-pee so that I can write this bit before I run off to write the rest of the entry on the toilet because that's how long it's going to take to release all of the pee I'm holding. And the farts. So many farts. But you'll understand why all of the blocked up farts when I finish this. So. Many. Many. Farts.

So remember last entry how I fought a tiger because I'm the baddest-ass bitch in Gotham? Remember how I kicked it's ass but not too hard because it was adorable and I didn't want to hurt it. I bet Batman would have hurt it because Batman is a Bat-asshole. So those tigers were like a total clue in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. I was all, "A-ha! It was the Tiger who ate the people!" At that point, some detectives would have been all, "Where is my big red 'Case Solved' stamp because this case has been solved?" Then they would have locked up the tiger and went back to eating danishes and lecturing their daughters and trying to bang Batwoman and embarrassing themselves in front of Catwoman. I think that references all of the police in Gotham that are not also working for God. But not this girl with the super fine and tight ass! I don't mean tight butthole although that's probably pretty tight too although how tight can it be when I've actually clogged a Las Vegas hotel toilet with just my poo? I mean, those things must be made to flush dismembered bodies and I blocked one up with just the poo that came out of my petite little butthole! If a guy put his penis in my butthole, would he even feel anything?! Now I'm worried about what Lucas Fox will think of me when we totally do anal later and he'll be all, "Am I in? I don't think I'm in. Is it possible I just stuck my penis in a wind tunnel?!"

Hey Diary? What base is anal anyway? Is that an inside the park homerun? I want to know how to slyly refer to getting anal from Luke when I tell Alysia and Frankie all about it. But not Dinah! I'm never telling that big whore any secrets anymore ever! She was totally supposed to send me a Black Canary t-shirt like two weeks ago and here I am still shirtless and unhip. How is everybody going to know that I was like the first huge fan of Black Canary if I don't even have one of their original shirts with the sleeves and neck cut off?!

AnySwayze, Diary, I should probably tell you what happened. It all started when Alysia called me and was all, "GBG! My fiance has totally disappeared and I don't know the phone number for the police! I know your father is like some police guy so you probably know the number. Can you call it after you've called the bakery to make sure the wedding cake is ready?" And I was all, "No problem! Batgirl to the rescue!" And Alysia was all, "Oh! Yeah, that's a great idea! Can you get Batman instead though!?" And I was all, "How dare you!" And then I went to find Jo because Jo's disappearance was linked to The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People! A case that was just about to be solved!

Where's my big red "Case Solved" stamp because this case has been solved!

The Velvet Tiger had kidnapped Jo and sent the tigers out to eat people! It was obvious by the length of her skirt and the cum stains around her mouth that she was a villain and the girlfriend of Jeremy! She was also way hotter than me. What is up with every woman in this city being sexier than I am?! No wonder I'm still a virgin. I need to move to Metropolis!

Look at that?! How is my toilet-clogging-poo launching butthole supposed to compete with that?! I want to stick my tongue in that and I'm a huge hetero!

So Velvet Tiger escaped under mysterious circumstances that had nothing to do with anybody's incompetence at all. That meant it was time to sneak into Fox Tek to see if Luke was maybe showering or something. Hopefully something which involved his dick being out, like looking at porn or eating a sandwich. Instead I ran into Qadir who had recently received a package clearing his name in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. The return address was Delphi which meant it was from Frankie since it referenced the name she's apparently decided upon but nobody has yet voiced. Why is everybody so afraid to say we should call Frankie "Oracle"?! What is wrong with us?! It's so contrived it makes me wonder if my own existence isn't just some fantasy world cooked up by some goofball hipster and his sexy old artist named Babs who would probably totally want to kiss all over the fictional blogger who critiques their fantasy publication.

Okay, so the next part is where Qadir and Luke don't fight over me and I don't say, "Hey guys! No problem! Plenty of orifices to go around!" Instead it's just the part where they prove that Jeremy's girlfriend is The Velvet Tiger and I was all, "Pshaw! Way ahead of you! Now watch me run from the room and tell me if I do it as well as The Velvet Tiger, guys!"

Dammit! That ass is cute and all but I don't think any tongues are putting on their helmet lamps.

This part makes my vagina sad, Diary, so I hope you can manage the proper somber tone while I tell it to you. Jeremy helped The Velvet Tiger with information that enabled her to pull off The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. So that's one probably too old for me but I would have accepted it anyway penis out of the running for making me a woman. I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy ten years older than me but not with a criminal! Who does Jeremy think I am? Batman?! I don't need a sexy nemesis ruining my vagina's good reputation!

AnySwayze, I found out where The Velvet Tiger's lair was and ran off to save the day. Of course Alysia was waiting outside the residence because she'd tracked Jo down as well. Is everybody in Gotham the World's Greatest Detective?! How are they all beating me to all the punches?! No wonder I can't get laid! Just like Batgirl, my vadge is late to all the fruitcake parties! I told Alysia to wait in the car because I'd be so embarrassed if she was also a better super hero than I was! Then I took a page out of Batman's Manual of Entering Buildings The Wayne Window and Door Repair Way while saying the most awesome and hilarious line you've ever heard anybody say outside of a Spider-man comic book!

My line was totally more cutting and witty than this but I just can't remember it verbatim! I'm pretty sure I also said "slut" a lot more in the original line.

But that line doesn't matter anyway because I totally kicked that bitch's ass. Also Alysia snuck in to save Jo while I was fighting which was totally okay by me because I got to give her a Big Manga Wink like I love to do! Usually I say it after I say something kind of dirty and don't actually do the wink. I usually say something like, "Oh Luke! Your meat is so hard and savory. Big Manga Wink!" Also Luke probably just said something romantic like, "Babs, munching your vadge is like gargling distilled water infused with saffron!"

Dear Diary, I am not going to tell you about the part where I said "Bring it" because I'm super embarrassed about it and I'm lying about it happening and it never happened in any timeline ever. Period. Shut up.

Also maybe I was fudging the truth about kicking Velvet Tiger's ass. She kind of stuck me with tranquilizer dart I'd already stuck in one of the tigers which made me sleepy and now I probably have Tiger AIDS. But she was all, "Now that you are nearly unconscious and unable to fight in much the way I'm unable to fight even when fully conscious, I will kill and eat you like Cunty McSlutbitch the Third!" She totally said that.

Two cleavers! And I thought my butthole was big!

So just before I died, my Batgirl Cycle (the motor bike! Not the menstruation!) crashed through the window, knocked out Velvet Tiger, and saved my life! The police cleaned up the mess over danishes and worrying about their daughter and fantasizing about Batwoman and I went on to the part of the story that made me hold my pee and farts in for like hours.

Oh my goodness! Who knew the vagina could make so much moisture?!

At least now I know there will be one heterosexual dude at the wedding! Look out, cherry! Here comes Luke's penis!

Batgirl #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you don't like Batgirl, you're probably uptight or something. You're probably the kind of person I could call on the phone when I'm about to barbecue some kebabs and say, "Hey! I need some sticks! Bring your ass over here!" Also I probably shouldn't review comic books by insulting people who don't really like a comic book for probably not very legitimate reasons but reasons nonetheless. I should probably say nice things like, "I know you didn't like the comic and that you're really smart and totally wicked good in the sack but maybe you should try reading Batgirl again, you stupid idiot." That's probably a pretty good blurb for the trade paperback! Hey DC Comics? Are you ever going to use one of my blurbs?! They're the best you're ever going to get! None of that boring Comic Book Resources shit where they say things like "It's a comic book that I read!" when they have to review a terrible book by Scott Lobdell.

Batgirl #43

Those tigers are probably so confused having to work together. "We aren't lions, asshole!" is probably what their union representative would roar.

Dear Diary,
What a couple of days! Who's going to pay to have the tiger slobber dry cleaned out of my ripped up cape?! I don't have the money to pay for a new uniform or stitches! I'm still forking over a good portion of any money I earn to pay for Dinah's burned down dojo! Couldn't she have been adult enough to have had insurance?! I guess she was too busy making googly vaginas at Condom. Maybe now that she's going to be swimming in money (due to everybody in the world having a poster of her band hanging on a wall in their house which means they must have purchased the EP), perhaps she'll let me off the hook for burning up her entire wardrobe (which totally needed replacing anyway because she has major Mom Fashion Disease). Anyswayze, I should probably tell you about the tigers, Diary!

It all started with a wedding being planned by me and Alysia. It was Alysia's wedding, Diary. Don't you think you'd know if it were my wedding? You'd know by all of the entries previous to the one about planning the wedding with in-depth, detailed descriptions about my soon-to-be husband's penis and all the things I've done with it and all the places I've put it. Have you noticed any of those entries, Diary? No, you haven't. Those entries are severely lacking. Oh, sure! You have tons of entries that end mid-sentence because I've worked myself up into a frenzy and have to go visit Mr. Massagy, my Japanese shower nozzle. "Pulse on! Pulse off!" he says to me in broken English in that special way that teaches me to defend myself while I'm masturbating.

The wedding planning was interrupted by Frankie calling me about a tiger attack in Gotham! Well, okay, that's not really so surprising that it absolutely needed an exclamation point to top it off. This is Gotham City, after all. Being mauled by exotic or hybrid animals is the fifth most common way to die here. Joker gas and incompetent care for injuries suffered while committing a crime interrupted by Batman top the list. Anyswayze, I had to run off and be Batgirl, so Alysia and Jo were going to have to finish planning their own stupid wedding at which I probably won't get laid because do they even know any hot straight men? Maybe Jo's father?!

I hope Jo isn't short for Joker! No, wait. I've met Jo. I've even seen Jo's vagina splayed out over a triple letter score. Eighteen points.

Although I might not need a wedding to finally get a professional dipstick to check my vaginal fluids because guess where the tiger attack took place, Diary?

Foxtek! Hello Luke Fox! Here I come! Hopefully multiple times!

I noticed Qadir secretly watching me and Luke from down the hall, so I flirted with Luke so Qadir could see that if he doesn't make a move on me and whip that nerdy penis out soon, I was going to be taking it hard in the ass from a super hot confident guy that's, honestly, probably way too much for me to handle. Luke is so good looking that he probably has sex on a constant, accidental basis. Women's vaginas probably fall out around him all of the time. "Whoops!" the women say with their beautiful big lips and tongues that know the secrets of male orgasm better than they know the pronunciation of most words. "I'd lose my vagina if it wasn't constantly in some guy's mouth! Tee hee." Gosh how I irrationally hate all women who have had any sex at all! Why are they so lucky?! How do I get a penis inside of this vagina?! You'd think it would be the easiest thing in the world the way they say guys are constantly thinking about sex. But it's never the right guy wanting to have sex with the right person (me!)! It's always that weird guy with the muffintop who thinks kissing my hand is charming! Or that guy who's shorter than me who would probably make a perfectly reasonable sexual partner for somebody who was into guys shorter than girls who are already pretty short to begin with! Or that guy who almost makes my girlhood quiver but he's got this stale kind of sour milk smell about him whenever I run into him at the coffee shop! Dude! Put on some cologne or something and we won't leave my bedroom for two weeks! And it's not like I'm overly picky! I hate when assholes point out that I could get laid any time I wanted because I'm a girl. Well, you know what? As a guy, you could get laid any time you want as well! Anybody could if they simply want to have the experience without actually being attracted to or interested in the person they choose to screw! For every five out there trying desperately to get laid by a seven, there are dozens and dozens of threes just hoping you'll give them a chance! But if a five won't give a three a chance, why are they hoping so hard to get a seven to notice them?! And what kind of five wants their first sexual experience to be with a three anyway?! I'm not saying I'm a five because that would be insulting. Have you seen my butt in this Batgirl outfit, Diary? It's a nine at least. Maybe I'm overvaluing my poon? What if I'm a three desperately trying to hook a nine?! Oh my gorkublort. Be right back, Diary!

Okay, I'm back from looking in the full-length mirror naked, Diary. I'm totally a nine (maybe a ten due to my exquisite freshness). Now I just need to find a nine who's not a cop who hates vigilantes or a one-legged car thief. Qadir might just be a six but he's a six that this nine would definitely sandbag for. I can six myself up so he feels confident enough to ask me out! I mean, if my total nine hotness fails to catch Luke's interests.

My Qadir techno-whatever checked Foxtek's system to discover that Qadir was the only one in and out of the building around the time of the tiger attack!

My flirt plan was working, Diary! And I think my Batgirl Cycle is inflatable.

Meanwhile at my work-school, I literally ran into Jeremy "Too Old For Me But A Girl's Vagina Can Dream, Can't It?" Degroot. He was being a huge jerk because he's having girl problems which could mean my vadge is in luck! How better to enter the world of promise and promiscuity than by banging an older man with experience who's totally cute and into me but having so many problems that he'll probably be all, "This was a mistake. I'm not really emotionally available to start a new relationship right now!" Although when I respond by being all, "Cool! Super cool! Can we just do that thing we did one more time before we never do it again?", he'll probably be all weird that I didn't fall in love with him and then become Mr. Super Stalker Extreme. Maybe to make sure he leaves me alone, I'll have to fake cry a bit when he says we can't have a romantic relationship. He might handle it better if he thinks he used me for my naive love Sarlacc instead of realizing that I actually used him for his experienced boner.

While talking with Nadimah at work-school, I overheard a news report about another tiger attack. Isn't it weird, Diary, that news programs always seem to be playing exactly the right thing at exactly the right place so that I find out the information I need for the mystery I'm trying to solve? If only my love life could be so serendipitous!

I went to investigate the second tiger attack and wound up having a bit of a confrontation with my partner and roommate instead.

I may have come off as a little bit of a control freak. Can you blame me? I was trained by Bat-Master-Control-Freak-Of-The-Entire-Freaking-Universe-Man!

Later while I ignored Alysia trying on wedding gowns (who was she kidding? She looked firking hotter than everybody in everything she tried on. She could hang a couple of doilies off of her tits and she'd be the most beautiful bride in the world. Slut!), I did some research and figured out who the next tiger was going to attack! So I rushed out to beat up a tiger! I bet Alysia and Jo would be pissed to hear I'm beating up endangered animals! Or maybe not because it might turn out that Jo was behind the whole tiger attack thing as some kind of crazy protest slash art installation! Her name is half of The Joker's name, remember? Remember how I pointed that out earlier, Diary? I'm just trying to seed this story with drama and tension to keep it interesting. Is the bad person somebody close to me? Is it somebody the audience wouldn't suspect?! What if it's an alternate version of me again, right? It could be! Who knows?!

Anyswayze, that fight with the tiger is why I was complaining about my outfit and skin being ruined earlier. Ugh. Battling tigers is not fun. King of the Jungle, amirite? No joke! It's almost as if somebody spent millions of years perfecting this creature so that it would be the perfect hunter! So if there is a God, let me say right now: God, you suck. Thanks for making an animal that's like the perfect creature to kill your chosen species. Nice one. Dick.

And then you'll never believe what happened, Diary!

Frankie like totally blamed Jeremy! Doesn't Frankie realize that 95% of my enemies are female? So it's obviously Jeremy's ex-girlfriend. Duh! Also Frankie stole my Batgirl cowl while I was sleeping off my tiger wounds.

To top it all off, Frankie visited Qadir while wearing my Batgirl cowl! In a much sexier outfit than my Batgirl outfit! Ew! Now my flirt game with Luke Fox is going to totally backfire because a super hot new Batgirl is actually speaking to Qadir. I'm so mad at that slut! I mean, not really because I totally love her and crap. But my vagina might never forgive her if Qadir decides he wants to bang Batgirl's Sidekick, Sexy Hot Batgirl.

I can't even blame Qadir! I'd fuck Frankie over me too! Why, as a probable Nine, do I insist on hanging around with definite Tens?!

Anyway, it turned out that Jo was involved with the tiger attacks although not in a totally bad way or anything. She and her activist group thought they were saving the tigers from some kind of horrible circus life or something. But instead, they were just being used by the newest addition to my Rogue's Gallery: The Velvet Tiger! She's actually really flipping hot and I'm totally jealous and now, because she's probably Jeremy's ex, completely too intimidated to have sex with Jeremy. If he was banging a woman who calls herself the Velvet Tiger, I'll probably be more like the Rain-Soaked Kitten. My life is the worst.

Batgirl #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. Barbara Gordon knows a lot of people who get themselves involved in a lot of drama. I guess it's easier to keep Gotham safe when you're protecting it from your friends and your friends' acquaintances. At least it cuts down on all that boring patrolling Batman loves to do. I'm a fan of all the changes that have gone down with Batgirl because I'm a fan of any time a character gets to have fun. But I wish the comic book spent more time with Batgirl trying to get laid. I want to read more about how horny she is and how she never gets any. I want her to be a total embarrassing goofball that constantly fails to seal the deal because she's such a desperate nerd. I'd also like to see her engage in habits and activities that aren't nerdy cool but just plain weird and nerdy. Why can't Batgirl's secret identity just be Liz Lemon? I'd buy three copies of that comic book every month.

Batgirl Annual #3

Finally! Dead Dick is going to interact with somebody other than Batman, Julia Pennyworth, or The Joker!

Batgirl is about to get mixed up in Spyral business which she can probably handle since Qadir's technology is on par with Spyral's. The best part will be the scene where she recognizes Dick Grayson by his ass and then gets super embarrassed. Then Dick will ask Babs why she looks ten years younger than she really is. I hope her explanation satisfies me as a reader! I'm having a really tough time understanding why new Batgirl is so different from Simone Batgirl! I desperately need an in-canon explanation or I'm going to die!

The first Spyralee Batgirl meets is Helena Bertinelli who she's never, ever met before ever in the whole wide ever world ever.

I bet 95% of the residents of Burnside would never be thought of as a "hipster" and yet when a population becomes 5% Hipster, it's over! Mostly because when 5% of your population looks exactly alike, it's hard not to notice.

I've lived just off of Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon, for about twelve years now. I moved closer to Hawthorne because it was my favorite place, mostly due to my comic book store and Marco's Deli which had great meatball subs and Mr. Pibb on tap. It had a bit of a Bohemian flair, I guess. It was a little bit hippy, a little bit artsy, a little bit shitty. It was the kind of street that once had an Arby's but when it didn't get enough business, it closed down and McDonald's tried to set up shop there only to be beaten back by petitions. Mostly it was residents who claimed they didn't want the extra traffic generated by a fast food place but I think mostly it was a bunch of snobby assholes who only ever ate McDonald's when people they knew weren't looking. Anyway, the street lost a lot of its charm as the swarm of Hipster Gentrification (which is really the only kind of gentrification seen in Portland). And it's been going on for longer than Portlandia has been on the air, so the people who blame Portlandia are putting the cart before the bearded assholes. Although, really, the show hasn't helped. It's seen by many not as a satire of the city but more of a promotional video for like minded people. Long before Fred Armisen said that Portland was where young people go to retire, I was constantly asking the Non-Certified Wife, "Doesn't anybody in this town work?!"

So Hawthorne began to get the Hipster Gentrification treatment which seemed to be flowing southward from Alberta. It hit Belmont pretty hard back when Paninis, Cupcakes, and Artsy Toy Stores were the beginning signs of a Hipster Neighborhood taking root (the record stores were already there!). Later it became organic grass-fed beef hamburgers and "artisinal" pizza (the cupcakes survived although they probably began serving macaroons as well). The artsy toy store moved to Hawthorne and lots of businesses began changing on Hawthorne. It seemed the time had come for Hawthorne's transformation. Hawthorne lost their Blockbuster (who didn't though, amirite?!) and I told the Non-Certified Wife when we were guessing what it would become that it would be a bank or a thrift store. It became both! The deli became Thai, the corner store which I can't even remember what it was became an upscale hipster clothing store (for when you need something other than your Mr. Bubble shirt and skinny jeans) which has in-store cocktail events every few months. But the transmogrification of the neighborhood never totally took. Instead it moved on south to Division which went from a sunny, mostly one-story building stretch of barber shops and food carts and a Whole Foods (you know, your "average" Portland neighborhood!) to a shady Death Star trench of five or six story condominiums with businesses in the ground floor. Businesses like "artisinal" ice cream and...well, I can't really remember and I think "artisinal" ice cream says enough. I'm sure some place is still riding the last of the Pork Belly wave as well. I mostly avoid the place. Although the Bollywood Indian restaurant demands my patronage because Indian food, duh!

Back to Batgirl, Helena and Babs decide to work together because they both seem to be on the same mission. It doesn't matter what the mission is. This is an annual. The only thing that matters is that Babs and Dick need to meet up with each other. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those stories where Grayson narrowly avoids being seen by Gordon four or five times before the story ends with Batgirl none the wiser. Or maybe she will have noticed and she'll walk off with a quirky grin because she now knows Dick isn't dead.

"Body language." Dick is being modest about his ass.

The mission is to infiltrate an impenetrable tower which has a large open courtyard and balconies on every floor overlooking the empty space in the center. It's a lot like the latest Judge Dredd movie but with Dick Grayson as Judge Dredd and Babs and Helen as whatever other Judges helped out.

Near Miss #1!

Barbara and Damian must shop at the same shoelace store which sells the longest, loosest shoelaces they possibly can.

Near Miss #2!

Helena shouts something which prevents Babs running into Dick and making this an interesting story! Instead, the chase up the tower continues as the reader waits expectantly for the inevitable encounter (which will probably wind up being evitable).

Dick gets caught up battling the only really buff member of Gladius (the evil organization!) and Helena has to help him out. Batgirl goes on ahead and now Dick fears she's going to wind up seeing him. It's time to put on a disguise! Like maybe a sundress and a nice long blonde wig? Then maybe he can play Yakety Sax while they all run around beating up guards and Dick tries to constantly hide his face demurely behind a handkerchief. And maybe at some point Helena can stand behind a table full of fruit so it looks like a couple of cantaloupes are her breasts!

Batgirl makes it to the top of the tower first and comes face to face with Gladius's leader. But the leader has planted a bomb and makes her escape while Batgirl turns back to try to disarm the bomb (although Babs does stick a Bat-tracker on the fleeing terrorist). Dick Grayson arrives to help Barbara disarm the bomb although he's got his Spyral Hypnos running so Babs thinks she sees an old guy named Christian Kroger. I think now that we had the near misses, we're getting to the part where Babs will realize it's Dick without Dick realizing she realized it. Then she'll walk off with that smile I mentioned and maybe a pair of ruined underwear.

The bomb can't be deactivated (or else Helena doesn't really try to deactivate it because she thinks like Frankie who suggested blowing up the building earlier) and they have to jump from the tower with the UN diplomats who were hostages of Gladius. I know Batgirl didn't want to kill anybody but I think a lot of those guards she kept alive are now burning to death.

Oh, and of course, the recognition by butt shot. This is where the ruined underwear comes into play.

And this is the smile after possibly thinking it could have been Dick.

So that was the first part of the story. I think a bit of Yakety Sax would have improved the whole Benny Hill tone of it all.

The second part of the story has Batgirl chasing after the woman she placed the tracker on. While following the trace, Batgirl runs into Catwoman's sidekick, Spoiler. So now these two can have a fun adventure with each other and become best friends and make Frankie totally jealous! Unless Batgirl doesn't like being out-pepped by another young female hero.

Spoiler catches Gladius's leader when Batgirl points her out except it wasn't Gladius's leader! It was just another underling doing grunt work and spilling secrets about the Negahedron and how it's going to be used to destroy Gotham! Batgirl leaves Spoiler to take care of the terrorist and rushes off to play with Batwoman.

Batwoman and Batgirl beat up Gladius and learn more about the Negahedron. But Gladius gets away which leads Batgirl to the Gotham Academy Library where she's going to team up with Maps, probably! It won't be Olive because why would Batgirl team up with one of the Gotham Academy supporting cast instead of its main character?

Well, I guess Olive can appear as Maps' sidekick.

The Pizza Club with Guest Detective Batgirl find the head of the statue containing the blueprints of the Negahedron but the head is stolen by Gladius! She and Batgirl wind up on the roof ready to battle when Maps hits Gladius in the chin with her Batarang and saves the day! Of course. I would expect nothing less from Maps and her sidekick Olive Silverlock.

Gladius is captured and the microfiche is nearly destroyed and the librarian Mr. Scarlet shows up to declare some mysteries should remain mysteries. Maps rushes off to form Superhero Club. Olive goes off to pout. And Batgirl decides to spy on Maps for a bit because Maps would make an excellent date for Alysia's wedding and/or a superb sidekick!

Batgirl Annual #3 Rating: This annual should be held up as an example for all annuals everywhere. It was a superb annual with lots of guest stars that really should be part of Batgirl's world. Loved every second of it except for the seconds which weren't added which maybe could have had Batwoman making out with somebody. Hey, I'm still a man with inappropriate fantasies which co-opt the lesbian lifestyle for my own pleasure and gaze! Sue me!

Batgirl #42

I'm just shocked by her outfit.

Dear Diary,
Frankie didn't fall in the shower at all. It was a fall-se alarm! Ha ha! Anyswayze, where did I leave off? Oh yeah! My dad, Honey Bunny Batdad, was about to try and arrest me! ME?! His own flesh and blood?! The next time he calls me, I might not tell him I love him before I hang up!

A little hot piece of electricity had just escaped from Batdad's clutches and then he figured he needed to arrest somebody so he decided to take it out on me. What did I do?! Is it suddenly illegal to wear a Batgirl costume while being attacked by a supervillain?! Even if Batdad is hunting vigilantes, it doesn't mean I'm one of them! When did Batdad get so bad at police work? I could have been anybody in that costume! It could have been the first time I put the costume on to show it off at the arcade and maybe get laid but then I was attacked by a girl made out of electricity and was just trying not to die! He can't arrest me for that?!

Another reason he couldn't arrest me? I'm the Gosh-darned Batgirl!

Also he kind of gave me a chance to leave because I'm pretty sure Batdad knows I'm his daughter. I mean, he's seen me grow up for twenty years and now he wouldn't recognize me because I have a little bit of leather covering the bridge of my nose?! I mean, I don't even hide my hair! If he doesn't know I'm Batgirl, it's only because he doesn't want to know I'm Batgirl and he's using that special power that parents have which lets them deny to themselves that their child can participate in any activity that the parent wouldn't want them participating in. Not like my dad ever had to use that part of his brain before because no guy in high school ever let me pretend to fall asleep on their couch past curfew.

I'm too pretty to go to jail! My cherries would never survive!

Batdad let me go that time but his "superiors" might begin to question why the power in his cameras goes out every time he encounters Batgirl, so I might have to be more careful. Although he really should just stay out of Burnside! It's not like the crime rate here is anything that rates on a Batman Crime Scale. Here in Burnside, people just dress bad, drink cheap beer, and roll their eyes a lot. I figured that I could probably risk going after Livewire as Batgirl, so Frankie and I began researching the super villain. Maybe she can become my Nemesister! I need a Joker of my own! Although not a literal Joker because even when Batman defeats that guy, half of Gotham dies. I just want to battle somebody who is into dangerous pranks or financial misdemeanors!

Before hunting Livewire and probably saving Batdad in the process so he'll say, "Thank you, Batgirl! I am sorry I ever doubted your ability to protect this city! And I apologize for grounding you that time when you called from the Mini-Golf course to say you'd be late and I said I didn't care why you were going to be late and that you'd be in trouble if you didn't make curfew! I always knew you were a good, honest girl who wasn't out getting into trouble and I should never have treated you like you were another James Junior! You're my favorite child and the best woman in the world!", I stopped by to see Qadir. I should start calling him Qa-Dear! Or Qa-Darling! I know I'm totally going to lose my virginal curse to his nerdy penis! Cross my fingers!

Oh no wait! Maybe I'd rather give my cherry bushel to Luke Fox! GOOOSH!

I'm pretty sure since about fourteen, the amount of time I spend writing about getting laid in my Diary has increased exponentially. If I don't get laid soon, every sentence is just going to be "Somebody please fuck this beautiful bat-ass already!" Then I'll probably have tons and tons of penises scribbled into the margins (especially now that I've actually seen one and know exactly what they look like! Thank you, Lenny Kravitz! Also, who knew they looked so much like a Snausage?). Actually, I've seen lots and lots of penises! Sometimes I wish I had a penis! I bet it feels so good when a cute girl looks at it! Oh! I bet it feels really good when a cute boy looks at my lovely lava pit! I should try to get that to happen as few minutes after I meet Luke Fox as possible!

Um, so, later that night, I found myself watching Batdad's suit get fried by Livewire! "Not on my watch, bitch!" is what I didn't scream because that would have been the wrong thing for a feminist like me to scream and not because I didn't think to say it before walking down the haunted staircase.

I did say something about kicking her butt though which was probably wittier but I can't remember what I said and you'd better believe that I don't remember even though I have an I-Tic-Tac Memory, Diary! Or at least allow me the dignity of lying from time to time!

Anyswayze, I totally saved Batdad's butt because his suit shorted out and he was stuck inside. Then I totally told him what to do and he was like, "You aren't my mother! *HUGE MANGA WINK*!" That almost made me laugh and break character but it's a good thing I didn't because if he doesn't know who I am (1% chance he doesn't!), he'd certainly know me by my laugh and the way I fart when I laugh and by the smell of my fart which I would have farted when he made me laugh!

Come on, Diary. He totally already knows I'm his daughter, right?!

So Batdad and I began working together to take down Livewire!

The only way she could have made me wish that is if she'd shown me photos of a hot naked guy waiting for me in my bed!

My plan totally came together and I captured Livewire inside my future Boy-Toy Qadir's gadget he gave me. I don't know why he had a gadget lying around that was able to contain a person made of lightning. But there are bigger mysteries in the world than that! Like how can a woman as hot as me not have had like at least eighteen super decent sexual experiences in her life?! I mean ones that don't involve gadgets or bathtubs or jeans with really tight seams in the crotch!

And that's when I got home and was super tired and began writing in my Diary and then thought I heard Frankie fall in the shower!

See? Also included in this shot: the purist vadge in Burnside.

And now the revelation of what distracted me between entries which I totally cracked myself up about earlier by calling it a Fall-se Alarm! BATSNORT! It wasn't a Fall-se Alarm at all! It was a False Al-ysia! I mean, it was the real Alysia! My old roommate who gets way more action than I can even imagine! And she had a huge bombshell! Probably not the biggest bombshell currently in Gotham because it is Gotham, after all, amirite? Anyway her bombshell was...she's getting married! And she wants me to be the maid of honor! And maids of honor get laid at weddings by handsome best men, right?! Oh wait. Her fiance Jo is probably also going to have a Maid of Honor. Damn my luck! Although if I get tipsy enough, maybe I'll lose my oral sex cherry!

Batgirl #42 Rating: No change. How adorable is this comic book? It's like super adorable, right? Like more adorable than ten puppies! But not more adorable than ten kittens. It's not even more adorable than one kitten! I'd rather have a kitten. But it's still adorable! It makes me want to eat gobs of candy. It also makes me wish I was a beautiful girl in her early twenties with a whole wide world of fucking ahead of me! Oh, to be young again! And a girl! If I had been female, I probably would have banged every nerd in my high school class. Devin Pruden and Miguel Chavez and Mike Birbalaglia or whatever his last name was and Franklin Kim and Andy Nesmith and Dan Felipe and probably a bunch of other ones I'm forgetting. Those were so my people even though I was totally cool and shit. Sorry, nerds, for not being a girl!

Batgirl #41

Commissioner Batman must have installed a Brown Note Weapon in the Bunny-Armor.

Dear Diary!
Have you read the news today? Oh boy! A whole bunch of holes in blackbriar lankenshears! That song doesn't make any sense, Diary! I might have the lyrics wrong but no way in Aitch Eee Two Hockey Sticks Fucking am I going to look them up online because as everybody knows (especially super smart computer tech chicks like me!), music lyric web pages are full of spiders and cookies and trojan backdoors and ad blocker-cock-blockers! They're ridiculous! Notice how I spelled ridiculous correctly, Diary? That makes me better than 110% of the people on the internet! After my use of percentages in that last sentence, you might think I'm bad at math but you have to figure in all the computer programs acting like real people. That's probably 90% of the 110% which, if you're bad at math like 125% of the people off of the internet are, you might think means 20% of people are good at math! But if you came out with that number, you'd be so wrong I'm laughing at you and peeing myself a little bit. Buy a calculator, Jerks Reading My Diary Without My Permission Who Are Bad At Math!

I just realized I began my diary entry today to talk about the death of Batman! I wish Dick were here so I could cry on his shoulder and he could take advantage of my sadness. I bet he would obliterate my virginity! Although I'd make sure he was wearing about five condoms because I sure as heck don't want to catch anything. You never know what kind of weird space herpes he picked up from that orange space hoochie. I'm pretty sure she's boned at least half of the Robins, and a few other sidekicks that she really should be embarrassed about fucking. I mean, Speedy?! Ha! She might as well pork one of Aquaman's giant seahorses!

I wonder if she's porked any of Aquaman's giant seahorses?!

Anyswayze, Diary, have I got a story for you! I found this place today which we'll call...let's see...The House of Mystery! *LIGHTNING! CACKLES! BATS! FOOTBALL PLAYERS SCREAMING IN TERROR!* Frankie and I had noticed a drain on the power grid (okay, fine. It was mostly Frankie. I was busy playing Nethack! I was having this epic game where I'd made it all the way to Croseus's castle but couldn't play a musical instrument correctly to lower the drawbridge and had nothing to get around the moat except one levitation potion which only took me half way around the castle and stranded me on a little strip of land where I couldn't even starve because I had a ring of slow digestion and tons of food so my Valkyrie just prayed to Tyr until he got pissed off and struck me with a bolt of lightning. Dick. I wish Fenrir had eaten more than just his hand! Frankie saw me playing and she was all, "What the hell is that ghetto shit?" And I was all, "It might not look pretty or modern but this game has depth baby!" And then she was all, "No, in the window underneath." And I was all, really low and sheepishly, "Oh. Porn."). So the drain on the grid was happening at...THE HOUSE OF MYSTERY! Ah ha ha ha ha!...where this cult of huge Apple Douchebags were all gathered around wearing robes and being totally ignorant of Linux. The lead douchebag was all, "I cannot be a douchebag. I am a robot. Beep beep beep. I know Robot Kung Fu. I will defeat you, Batgirl. Ha Cha Cha Cha." But he didn't defeat me because I defeated him! Like a punkass bitch! Um, he was! I was super cool and suave and sexually sophisticated. I wish I hadn't made my suit out of such thick leather so that my nips would like totally show through in the heat of battle. But only with good looking bad guys! Ugly fat bad guys can just avert their fat ugly eyes!

Okay fine. I was going to defeat him but Honey Bunny Batman got there first. Or second, really. But he was a little more insistent about kicking ass than I was.

Diary, have you ever seen eyes as gorgeous as mine or an ass as smoking hot? I know, right? I might have to look at some heterosexual male porn later to see if my cooter is up to snuff. I think it looks like a peach and smells like a clear lake topped with a fresh fall of cherry blossoms but I haven't really been able to compare it to any other cooters. Back when I was on the Birds of Prey, I was all, "Let's have a girls night where we sit around naked eating popcorn and watching each others vaginas! I mean scary movies!" And Grump Canary was all, "Ixnay on the aygay alktay in ontfray of ixstray!" And I was all, "Whyay?" And Black Canary showed me a note Strix had given her that read, "Fuk u?" And I was all, "Oh! She just mixes up her punctuation! That should be an exclamation point! She's angry at you because you still won't buy her an iPad!" And Black Canary was all, "Well fuck her! I'm not made of money!" And then Strix choked the fuck out of Dinah and I laughed and laughed! Then I was all, "Strix! Strix! Save some of that anger for Condom!" That's what I always called Condor because his stupid helmet made him look like a total dick head. Also he was a total dick head.

After running into that hunka hunka armored Batman (GOOOSH!), I had to strip down to my underwear and hop around on Frankie's bed telling her the story and hoping that maybe I might catch a glimpse of Frankie's vag! I bet hers would be all sultry and flavored like cinnamon while my whole crotch experience is just kind of blotchy red where it's not blindingly white! I mean, I hope people don't see it that way but when I look at Frankie, I just think, "Sigh! I bet guys come in their pants when she just casually smiles at them!" I'm more of the kind of girl that casually smiles at a guy and he's all, "You have any Magic cards to trade?" And then I sag my shoulders and sigh and say, "Yeah."

But then dad stopped by before I could come up with a plan to lose the panties and we had a father/daughter day out on the park!

Someday, I am going to marry that unicorn.

So dad buys me ice cream and sits me down next to Brian the Fuckicorn and says, "Darling. I am the Goddamned Batman." And my brain was all, "You thought he was sexy last night!" And then my cooter was all, "Moisture? What is moisture? Have we ever even known what moisture is?!" And my ass was all, "Is this how you kiss? You pucker nice and tight, just like this, right?" Then dad continues with all this stuff about how he didn't want to lie to me and he didn't want me to find out the hard way if he ever got hurt and how he didn't want to lead a double life. And I'm just thinking, "Jesus Christ, I get it! I'm a big jerk! Keep rubbing it in, why dontcha?!" And he was rubbing it in! I just know it! Dad totally must know I'm Batgirl. He was warning me that he's going to be hunting vigilantes and he didn't want to have to hunt me! Although he could have done it in a way that didn't make me feel bad and make him look all righteous and noble!

Later, my evil me came out of the douchebag cult's Computer Body Creator Pod because stupid Batdad didn't unhook it from the power grid and put it in evidence. What is wrong with him?! Did he forget how to be a cop as soon as he put on the bunny ears?! But before that, Frankie and I took some time to get our drinks on and play the Sailor V video game down at the arcade.

When did I become the less hot friend?! Gyah!

The Sailor V video game is a weird mix of Galaga, Asteroids, and Star Trek. I think maybe it was just a different game housed in a Sailor V case.

Anyswayze, it was right around then that my Nemesister-from-another-mister attacked Burnside! She blew up a car out front and Frankie was all, "This is probably your fault! Go fix this! And I have a great set of tits!" And I was all, "Hell yeah you do!" And she was all, "I know, right?!" Then I put on my Batgirl suit which really takes a lot longer than you'd think. But sometimes you've got make a big show of it to service the fans, you know. The fans of my ass! OH YEAH!

Oh, by the way, I only said my opponent was the me I defeated to build suspense and drama! It was actually this electric woman whom Batman built this totally wicked Ghostbuster trap to catch when she was hassling Superman a few months ago. Even as pure electricity, I totally recognized her because of my sweet I-Tic-Tac Memory! Have I ever mentioned that I'm a killer at Pub Trivia?! Although it's always the dumb hooting, tee-heeing whores with the lowest scores who get all the fat dick at the end of the night! Why doesn't anybody want a bat-piece of this?! I need to improve my game!

Anyswayzeyetagainsies, this poor girl's name was Livewire. I bet she gets less brotang than me! Hmm, I bet I just used that wrong even though I just made it up. I think "brotang" is where two frat guys jerk each other off when they can't find any girls to date rape. Turns out I didn't have to take this perp down either because BatDad dropped in yet again to take the glory. Doesn't he know Burnside is my part of town? Isn't there enough crime across the river in Downtown Gotham?! I think this is proof that he knows who I am!

So after Livewire zips away on whatever electrical grid she travels on, BatDad turns to me and is all, "You're under arrest." And I'm all...oh crap! I think I just heard Frankie fall getting out of the shower! This is my chance to see her vaghole while I'm pretending to help her up! I'll finish my story later, Diary!

Batgirl #41 Rating: +1 Ranking. The choice to have Gordon confide in Barbara is a great choice, storywise. Especially because it just strengthens the suspicion, without proving anything, that Jim does indeed know his daughter is Batgirl. She almost told him in Simone's run and he was all, "Let's change the subject! YOLO!" And she almost tells him here but he cuts her off yet again. And now he's really kind of intruding on her neighborhood, right? I really think it would be interesting if she finally told old James but being that comic book stories never end, decade after decade, I don't know how well that would ultimately play out. But then that's what Retcons and Reboots are for, amirite?!