Justice League of America #6

How are new readers going to know they should pick this up because Lobo is in it? This is a poor choice of covers.

Page One does not contain a scene with Lobo. It does have The Atom displaying his impotence to Aegeus. But Aegeus has no time to laugh at a tiny man who can't get a metaphorical boner. He needs to gloat like a proper villain should after they've just defeated Lobo. Not a lot of characters can say that they bested Lobo! No wait. That's not true. After Lobo peaked in popularity as the biggest bad-ass motherfucker in the universe, he began to be dragged from comic book to comic book just to be defeated by the hero to show that the hero could defeat the most dangerous person in the universe. Apparently DC didn't realize how they were diluting Lobo's brand from biggest bad-ass in the universe to biggest punching bag in the universe. The kinds of fans who loved Lobo wound up feeling angry and embarrassed while reading Lobo comic books after that. Not me though! I was already angry and embarrassed while reading any comic book!

Part of that last paragraph wasn't true. Maybe most of it wasn't true. I don't think any Lobo fans were ever embarrassed about liking Lobo because they were all so busy emulating his worst qualities. It's hard to tell which of Lobo's qualities were the worst but I'm probably not talking about his penchant for genocide. Although maybe those Columbine kids were fans, right? I mean, that was terrible what happened there but I'm fairly certain if I had seen footage of one of them screaming about bastiches and gizzards from some guy named Feetal, I probably would have chuckled. And I wouldn't have felt bad about it, either! If you can't laugh in the face of every reminder that our existence is brutal, short, and depressingly mediocre, you're probably a pretty nice person and I could use more of your kind in my life.

Pages Two and Three do not contain scenes with Lobo. But the rest of the Justice League of America, as they fight chimeras, mention Lobo! Batman is concerned that Lobo is dying the way Lobo has never died before. It's weird for Batman to be concerned about something that will never take place. Maybe he's not concerned at all. Maybe he just wants Ray to check on Lobo to make sure Lobo isn't accidentally genociding the people of Penn City.

Page Three is the best page so far because it contains a scene with Lobo. The Ray goes to check up on Lobo and Lobo has some instructions for him.

Remember the good old days when every drop of Lobo's blood could regenerate into a full Lobo? How did that never become the explanation for Twat Lobo and Magenta Timeline Lobo? Seriously missed opportunity.

Meanwhile on some more pages without Lobo therefore they're wasted pages, Killer Frost saves some civilians by freezing a terrorist's arm off. The civilians are ungrateful wretches who can't see the humor in a terrorist who just threatened the lives of their children losing his arm. Killer Frost is all, "Um, whoops? Don't tell Batman?"

The Ray refuses to tear out Lobo's heart for some reason. I bet it's because he's in loOoOoOoOove with Lobo! I mean, who isn't? But The Ray doesn't want to hurt the person he loves. I'm using "love" in the way all people who don't believe in love use it: to camouflage from romantic types that we're actually saying "Please give me oral pleasure until I humiliate myself in front of you with my satisfaction noises."

The Ray does cut out Lobo's heart after Lobo yells at him the way his mother used to yell at him when he tried to peak out of his dark bedroom window. After reading so many DC Comics for so many years, I have to wonder why I don't have super powers! My mom was the most paranoid and manipulative person and my dad left when I was two to become a giant drunk absentee bastard! Where is the justice that I get all of the Mommy and Daddy Issues and none of the super powers and hot trim?!

Lobo collapses because he doesn't have a heart anymore. It's not that he dies at that moment. It's just that he can't do much without any blood pumping oxygen to his brain. He just has to wait until his undying cells that can't die repair the damage and get the overall system back up and running. It's like a city that stops functioning because an earthquake destroyed most of the infrastructure. The people are still alive even though the city has come to a halt. They just have to get to work fixing it up again. Until Lobo regenerates, I guess I'll just have to suffer through a bout of being bored by this comic book.

This story is called "The Heart of a Bastich." Is bastich Latin? Do you conjugate nouns in Latin? Bastich. Basteres. Bastard. Basteremus. Bastarent. Um, anyway, I don't think the title refers to Lobo referring to himself (because of the conjgation! Duh!). I bet it turns out to be Ryan Choi who shows himself to be a real bastich because he's the only one currently facing off against Aegeus. Everybody is probably thinking, "Oh no! The poor little grad student in the nerdy glasses can't stand up to a great big charismatic terrorist who probably has a huge, thick penis! He's going to die!" But instead, he's going to be all, "I'm gonna fuck you so hard Aegeus!" Then he'll grow really small and everybody will be all, "Where is he?" Then Aegeus will get a weird look on his face. Everybody will recognize that look as the one where you suddenly feel your asshole get itchy due to physical exertion, sweat, and a rancid dingleberry you didn't know was stuck up in there. Then you contemplate how to deal with it. Do you unsatisfyingly scratch the itch through your clothing as people nearby make disgusted looks and judge you as if they've never done that before. Or do you go all in and shove your hand down the back of your pants and stick a finger way up there so that it feels like you're scratching the inside of the front of your skin, after which you remove your hand and then stall for a few moments as you glance around at who might be watching before you casually pretend to scratch your nose so you can sniff your fingers. You know that look? That's the look Aegeus will have just before The Atom expands to full size and explodes Aegeus's colon all over the room.

Oh. It doesn't happen that way. I can't say I'm disappointed though because Atom's life is rescued this way instead:

Yay Lobo! My penis rejoices at your renewed vigor!

Lobo and The Ray are merely a distraction so that The Atom can prove himself in battle. He turns tiny, avoids Aegeus's butthole, and turns big again, using the power of density or mass increasing or quantum hullabaloo to knock Aegeus out in one nerdy punch. Lobo instantly takes credit for Ryan's newfound ability to commit violent acts.

Some people don't like Lobo but that's probably because they've read versions of Lobo written and drawn by people who either don't like Lobo or don't understand Lobo. Nobody would be surprised how many writers used Lobo in the 90s simply to get a boost in sales while hating themselves for using a character they despised. And it's less surprising than that even that they would treat him as a joke and make him look as idiotic as possible. But sometimes a writer understands the character and my heart sings. Other times, an artist really gets the character and a part of me that got me banned from all Popeye's restaurants sings.

Andy MacDonald, you make my anal sphincter sing!

You don't need to hear the story about my banishment from Popeye's. But if you want more details to help create the scenario in your imagination, here are a few keywords: spicy chicken, dare, Tubgirl reenactment.

Let me say goodbye to a few followers of my blog right now since I won't get the chance after the next sentence.

I'm not sure what Lobo is threatening to do to Aegeus at the end of the above scan but I know it doesn't have anything to do with rape because that would be wrong and never funny. Especially when Lobo knows the humiliation of being married and raped by a Gothamite pervert super hero. If Lobo learned the opposite lesson, you wouldn't know it because it's not like Lobo said in the panel before the scanned panels, "I got something ta finish up. Ya might want to avert yer eyes. Also, do we have a wedding dress and a camcorder?" I mean, he said some of that! But probably not all of it.

After whatever just happened to Aegeus in the space between pages happens, his army's flying steeds turn back into salt. Without scary steeds, the army surrenders to the angry citizens of Penn City. The next day, Batman lets everybody know that "Aegeus' injuries are being treated." I would have said "Aegeus's injuries" but then I'm just smarter. Anyway, what could those injuries have been? Nobody goes into detail! Batman warned Lobo against maiming and Batman hasn't one-punched Lobo into being a better person yet, so I'm guessing Lobo just beat the guy with a tube sock stuffed with a bar of soap. Incidentally, that's the exact turn of phrase a person would use to describe a Czarnian penis.

The citizens tell Batman, "You know, thanks for, like, stopping that jerk. But he was, you know, paying us money. So now we're broke and shit. What are you going to do about that, asshole?" Before Batman can break the dick's jaw, Vixen pipes up. She's all, "I'll set up one of my non-profits here and you can all get jobs!" Then a bunch of the dumber and Republican residents are all, "How are we going to make money if it's a non-profit?! Get out of here with your communist bullshit! I'd rather starve!" But Vixen, undaunted, continues, "People notice my shit. More businesses will move in. Wealthy businesses! The totally for profit kind! The kind that probably has a big 'W' in the name, if Batman gets my fucking drift!" Then everybody cheers at the good news without realizing that they're just going to go back to making weapons in a few months when WayneTech moves in.

Later, Lobo gets me all teary eyed because I'm a pusstich, I guess.

Forget the cutesy-wutesy bonding bullshit! What did Batman promise Lobo?! I bet Batman promised to build him a glory hole portal into a sexy dimension!

I hope nobody ever shows Lobo a copy of The Cove. Japan thought the ending of World War II was awful? Wait until Lobo tattoos Fat Man and Little Boy onto his left and right fist (respectively) and wades onto their shores.

Xenos moves into The Sanctuary to help build weapons and polish Silver. That wasn't a typo; Silver is the name of Ray's penis.

I'm so happy that this comic book currently exists! Steve Orlando seems to understand and love violent psychopathic characters as much as I do! I know Twat Lobo was last seen in Larfleeze's trophy case but I hope Real Deal Lobo gets a chance to murder the fuck out of him. Multiple times even!

Justice League of America #5

Lobo!

Some people might be able to come up with one or two convincing arguments as to why this book is worth reading but the only one I can come up with (and the only one you need) is that Lobo is in it. And not that fucking piece of shit Twat Lobo that Cullen Bunn disgraced himself writing. That was the worst garbage I've ever read on a printed page and I've read at least one page of Twilight and most of The Bible¹. Twat Lobo was Lobo if you took away everything that made Lobo interesting and replaced it with something really fucking stupid and then said, "There we go. That's Lobo! The dumb idiots who love Lobo won't know the difference! Boy, people who liked Lobo truly were dumb, weren't they? I bet they don't even notice! Just think of all the fucking morons who will actually prefer this version! Ha ha! Jerks!" Twat Lobo was some asshole at DC Comics thinking, "Lobo should still be a genocidal maniac but one that has a better back story than that he just wanted to be unique. He needs to be some kind of prophetic figure! He needs to be a sympathetic figure caught up in the forces of destiny out of his control! Oh, and what Millennial is going to fall for his heavy metal biker attitude? That went out of style before Lobo was even popular! But they'll love him as a total twat!"

People who liked Twat Lobo are beneath Trump Supporters on my list of people I would never have breakfast with. And I love breakfast!

Here's me at the height of my love for Lobo twenty-four (HOLY SHIT. TWENTY FOUR?!) years ago:

Notice the shirt? Lobo! Notice the eyes? LSD!

This issue begins in Penn City where somebody dropped a Buddhist Love Bomb in a garbage can. At least that's what I think is in the garbage can based on the first three panels. The bomb is the head of some poor bastard with a grenade strapped in his mouth in the way that your lover straps a ball gag in your mouth before your lover pegs the fuck out of you. Also strapped to the bomb's head is a lotus flower. That's why I'm guessing it's a Buddhist Love Bomb. I just now typed "Lotus Flower" into Google to see if I maybe shouldn't just be saying "Lotus" and Google's predictive text added "bomb" to the end of it. Holy shit, is that a real thing?! No, no. It looks like it's a rap song by Wale featuring Miguel. Remember that bit about how old I am? Yeah, never heard of that song.

Later, the Justice League of America has decided to give a press conference to basically say they're better than the Justice League and more in touch with the common people and probably way more patriotic in that they have "America" in their name, in case you missed that part. Batman does not attend because he's a public relations nightmare. He would probably just tell all of the reporters that their questions were stupid. Oh! Is Batman's secret identity Sean Spicer?!

Vixen tells everybody that the JLA used to call their base the "Secret Sanctuary" but that that seemed way too pedophiliac for their liking. Plus, if a reporter heard that before they had claimed it at this press conference, it probably would have cast suspicion on their organization. So instead, they're opening up the front half of the mountain to the public and calling it Mount Justice! People should feel free to come by to file complaints and drink some free coffee and possibly be seduced by Lobo.

Duh, Lana Lang! That's practically the definition of America! Although Vixen left out the "according to our own interests and with complete disregard to the will of the populace of the country we're sticking our noses into" part.

Ben Rubel, Supergirl's rival and future fuck interest, points out that according to the rumor mill, Lobo has taken "countless" lives, so why is that maniac on the team? Most of the other reporters have previously hit puberty, so they already know the answer to that question. It's easy to forgive somebody for genocide when you want to fuck their alien brains out. Vixen says Lobo will save one life for every one he's ever taken. That's impossible! I bet even if he single-handedly saves every life on Earth from some massive comet or alien invasion, he still won't be close to saving a life for every one he's killed! Hopefully he can save the same life multiple times and it will still count.

Olivia Ortega, some reporter from Gotham who isn't Vicki Vale for some reason, asks why Batman isn't at the press conference. Vixen says Batman stands by whatever she says instead of saying, "We're in Rhode Island, honey. Gotham is not in Rhode Island. Duh." I think I'd be as bad as Batman at press conferences.

Oh ho! What a clever retort, The Ray!

I guess Frances Rock is Frank Rock's granddaughter. I bet her high school clique was called "Easy Company." Sex joke!

Nikos Aegeus (otherwise known as simply Aegeus) got his start in terrorism when he met a blind and crippled Bellerophon² who gave him the means to tame Pegasus and a quiver of Zeus's thunderbolts. Now he sells weapons created from folklore! That sounds exciting! Plus, it shows he respects rap music enough to realize it's impact on folklore and culture. Unless he thought up the Lotus Flower Bomb due to some other story from The Bible that I don't remember. I mean, it could be from somewhere else but like I said earlier (or later since it's in a footnote), The Bible has all the stories in it.

Aegeus is currently attempting to sell a bunch of wacky weapons to The Whispers gang from Gotham. And since it's still dark, I'm guessing it's not yet tomorrow (which is the only day Ray pointed out everybody doesn't work under Aegeus's terrorist threat. I suppose the day after tomorrow, they'll get back to it).

Oh, so Batman can maim but Lobo³ isn't allowed? What a fucking bat-jerk.

I guess the plan is for Lobo to beat up all of Aegeus's men (carefully, so as not to maim them, of course! Lobo is totally known for being careful!) while the rest of the team have coffee and cakes? That sounds good to me! More Lobo! Less all the other dimwits!

Lobo accuses Batman of being a dick and Batman is all, "I don't have to explain myself to you!" So Lobo is all, "Cool, cool." Then he flips Bats off British Style and walks off to do his job. I hope he kills a few people every job and hides them before Batman can see and Batman, thinking Lobo's "honor" keeps him from doing all sorts of stuff Batman never actually specified in the beginning of the deal, lives in enough of a state of denial to keep from noticing. But then it'll come out that everywhere the Justice League of America has been, bodies begin turning up buried all around the places they battled! Then Superman will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Alfred will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Vixen will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And the government will be all, "You are an accessory to these murders and are sentenced to life in prison!"

Lobo beats up some bulldozers and then breaks into the Mayor's Office where Aegeus and his men are holed up.

Uh oh! I think that constitutes maiming!

Lobo is suspicious of Batman's reasons for bringing him on the team. My guess is that he's the team hit-eater. You send him in first when you're unsure of the weaponry of the enemy and then figure out a plan based on how badly Lobo's body has been damaged by the attack.

Lobo greets Aegeus with a great line I'm not bothering to scan. Lobo's met with a spear to the chest which drops him to his knees because it's covered in a poison that halts regeneration. Oh no! Is that all it's taken, all this time, to kill Lobo?! Seems like a bit of a cheat. Like how almost everything nowadays is immune to Green Lantern Light. It's always about negating the thing that's too powerful instead of coming up with an imaginative way to make the too powerful thing interesting in terms of story. Although, really, this is kind of clever because Aegeus is using ancient weapons from folklore and, apparently, this poison was used by Heracles.

While Lobo and The Atom (he was hiding in Lobo's underwear) deal with Aegeus, the rest of the Justice League of America chastise the residents of Penn City. They also give them some hope that they'll drive the main employer out of town and then Batman will cut them all checks so they stop acting like criminals. Or maybe Wayne Industries will just set up a weapons manufacturing plant in the city himself since the citizens all of experience crafting weapons now. And Batman doesn't mind weapons being created as long as, like America, he's in control of them.

Lobo gets blasted out of the Mayor's Office and into the park next to the Justice League of America where he reports that he failed and is probably dying. Then he points out that Aegeus's army hasn't been destroyed and they're right behind them flying in on a battalion of chimeras. I guess next issue, everybody will be killed by chimeras.

The Ranking!
I know Lobo won't die. But I'm just going to point out that if he did happen to die, or he just happened to be removed from the team, or if he in any way stops appearing in this comic book, it will no longer be the best comic book that DC currently publishes. It will, in fact, be the worst one because I will punish it more harshly than I'd punish a comic book written and drawn by Rob Liefeld with a back-up story by Ann Nocenti.
_____________________________
¹Okay, that was a cheap shot. The Bible actually has some quite beautiful poetry in it. It's just that the people who believe it's more than it is that make me want to shit all over it. Plus, everybody who is interested in Western Literature needs to fucking read The Bible. If you don't know The Bible and you think you understand every book you read or every movie you watch, you need to think again. You're almost certainly missing several themes and allusions and references to biblical stories. Hell, you even need to know The Bible to understand Bugs Bunny's biggest contribution to insulting asshats.
²I highly recommend John Barth's Chimera as well as pretty much anything written by John Barth. Although some of his books seem a bit too much like work so you might want to start with his shorter stuff which will get you intrigued enough to slog through the really long shit. Although I'm not sure if Giles Goat-Boy was really worth the effort I expended on it. Although I did masturbate a few times to the scene with the summer dress. Woo boy! Good stuff! I wonder if I should attempt to read The Sot-Weed Factor again or just reread The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor?
³What's up with Lobo's hair? He looks like Bon Jovi! This is getting perilously close to another version of Twat Lobo!

The Atom Rebirth #1

Time for the Atom without a military rank.

I've never read a Ryan Choi comic book other than Convergence (which, as I've noted before, doesn't count. Convergence never counts. It was awful and the only part of DC's vast continuity that I completely and utterly reject). Even if I had been reading comic books when Ryan Choi emerged on the scene, I would not have read a Ryan Choi comic book. Not because I'm racist (although I probably am, being half-white and half-Spanish with the ability to pass as full white so I'm just fucking white, okay? I mean, I know some Spanish like mal niño and cállate and pedazo de mierda thanks to the things my Grandmother used to scream at me. What I should describe myself as, since it totally gets to my DNA makeup, is Californian) but because I hate the character The Atom. You might be thinking, "Didn't I just read this commentary?" No, no! That was Captain Atom! I also hate him. Maybe I just don't like science.

This issue begins with Ryan Choi moving into his dorm room in college. Just his luck, he winds up with a roommate who will be his super-villain nemesis, Adam Cray. I don't know what super-villain he will be but isn't that how these kinds of stories work? He'll probably be The Atom's opposite which is probably Elemental Jerk. That's opposite for reasons I don't have time to explain right now.

I took rugby in college. Never went to a class and was too lazy to do the paperwork to drop it. I got a B.

I say a lot of untrue and exaggerated stories for effect and for the joke so I should probably amend the above caption with "True story." Apparently the rugby coach simply gave everybody on his roster who came to the final an A and everybody else on the class roster got a B. My friend Soy Rakelson got an A, the little responsible kiss ass.

Ryan Choi's only class that matter is kinematics. That means something scientific, possibly the study of the movement of cows. Whatever. The class isn't the important bit. The important bit is that the teacher is Ray Palmer. He's normal white male heterosexual The Atom. I added the normal there to piss you off. Sorry about that.

This is a lecture class on the first day. How the fuck does Professor Palmer know Ryan Choi's name? Fucking pervo stalker, probably.

Even by the end of the semester, a professor never knows every student's name in a lecture class. Here's how they decide which students to take an interest in and whose names they'll learn. After the first big test or essay assignment, they make a note of all of the students who said intelligent things on their papers. Then the next class, they'll say, "I'd like to put a few faces to some of these names." Then they'll read out a bunch of names of the people who impressed them and remember who they are so they can call on them for intelligent discussion and ignore all the other blockheads who turned in shitty assignments. Now you know why your teacher never remembered who you were!

Another way to be noticed by your teacher in a lecture hall is to go to your Children's Lit class dressed as Alice Cooper in Wonderland carrying the bloody, cut off head of the white rabbit. Again, true story. A lot of students had to ask me what the costume was. All of my teachers knew instantly. Except my Creative Writing professor. She was blind.

One year later, Ray Palmer decides to question Ryan Choi's motives for studying science. That doesn't seem like the purview of the kinematics professor but then maybe he's also a counselor or dean of something or other. Also, he might just be a pervo stalker who wants to experiment on Ryan Choi. Because who will miss the student from Hong Kong with no nearby family when the miniaturization process disintegrates him?

Ryan Choi is all, "I just want to not be asthmatic!" And Ray Palmer is all, "I think there's more to it than that! Like how you've allowed me to get all of these science awards on the back of your genius!" I'm starting to think Ray Palmer has a serious ulterior motive to his stupid question if it's that obvious why Ryan Choi is pursuing science. Because he's Goddamned fucking great at it?!

If any of my professors had ever gotten this intimate with me, I'd have dropped the class and/or slept with them.

Instead of contacting the colleges head of human resources to report Ray Palmer's stalkery attraction to him, Ryan Choi says, "I want to prove to people that small penises matter!" And Ray Palmer said, "Did you say small penises?" And Ryan said, "Things! Small things matter!" That's when Ray Palmer says, "You're ready! I told that fucking Batman that I could get a sidekick too! But he was all, 'Nooooooo waaaay! Who wants to be with Tiny Man?! Not even your stupid ex-wife who is going to kill Sue Dibny! Unless that has already happened. Or will happened. Or...you know what? Who cares? Nobody cares about you, The Atom!'"

Ray Palmer reveals himself to be The Atom. He also reveals his mission statement: to beat up those fucking butterflies before they have a chance to cause a hurricane. I knew he was a pervo stalker but I guess he's insane as well.

Even though it's totally weird and crossing a personal line between teacher and student that probably shouldn't be crossed (although not quite as bad as the line Adam Strange crossed with Alanna), Ryan Choi accepts. He'll be a sidekick! And, eventually, the main hero when Adam Cray destroys Ray Palmer! I guess Adam Cray is going to become Butterfly Guy.

A year later, Ryan and Ray go out to celebrate. They have some alcohol but Ryan points out the only drink he's not allergic to is Poire Williams. I don't know what that is but I think I have the Asian Flush. I often get intensely sick from sinus shit with just the smallest amounts of alcohol. But not always which is why I constantly tempt fate. I wonder if I should assume a whole bunch of things and now believe that drinking whatever Poire Williams is will solve my problem! I'll test it out and get back to myself!

A week after the drink with Ryan Choi, Ray Palmer disappears. Sometimes people disappear and it's nearly impossible to find them. Finding a guy who can shrink to microscopic sizes when he disappears? Super impossible to find him! Luckily, Ray Palmer left a video message for Ryan detailing exactly where he went. He found a microuniverse lying within a tear in the temporal nanostructure of the timeline. That must be where the Preboot Universe is! Or the Pre-Crisis universe! Or the other Pre-Crisis universe! Or the Post-Pre-Zero Hour universe! Or maybe it's just where Ray Palmer dies since Ryan doesn't find the message until a full week after Ray disappears. At least Ray left Ryan an Atom Belt so he can take over as The Atom after finding evidence that Ray Palmer was consumed by microscopic protozoa.

The Ranking!
It was a Rebirth issue! They're all kind of the same. But in that context, this was one of the better ones. Ryan Choi and Ray Palmer are now back in the DC Universe, even if it is only the Rebirth Universe. I'm sure it'll be all of the universes soon enough, after the Watchmen are defeated and everything coalesces back into one sort-of-cohesive-if-you-squint-funny universe.

Detective Comics #942

This is how the world ends: swallowed by a vagina with teeth.

The Review!
Some of you are probably thinking, "Oh sweet Christ, Tess! Have you ever seen a vagina?!" That's a personal question that I don't have to answer! Also, "vagina with teeth" isn't redundant, right? No! Don't answer that! I want to be surprised!

Remember that one time Nightwing drove his motorcycle up the side of a building and nobody went, "Fuck you, DC Comics!"? Remember that? Remember how you all just sat back and shrugged your shoulders and thought, "Sure. Okay. Whatever"? Remember?! Because this issue is your fault for not making a fuss! This issue is on you! YOU! Stupid Batman comic book written by Steve Jerkorlando and James Jerkon IV. The last five parts were bad enough with the Japanese Godzilla monsters running all over town doing less damage to Gotham than the Teen Titans do to New York when they go out for a slice of pizza. But this issue is all, "Oh! You think you have a great poker hand with all your hearts and clovers and Jacks and Jills?! Well, let me up the ante and bluff and other poker lingo! I'll show you what a great poker hand looks like!" And this issue does! It shows you a great poker hand! But only if you remember that "poker hand" is analogous to stupid, idiotic comic book moments that are so much worse than Nightwing driving a motorcycle up the side of a building that I just declared bankruptcy on my sanity.

First, DC Comics had Green Arrow hunt down YouTube stars for no reason and nobody said anything because they're intellectually lazy. Then, DC Comics had Superman date Wonder Woman and, well, I mean a lot of people said stuff but it's not like it helped or anything. Then DC Comics had Nightwing ride a motorcycle up a building and nobody said anything because they were too busy shrugging their shoulders over the quality of the comic books. After that, DC Comics put out five hundred Harley Quinn books per week and everybody was all, "Is this diabetes?" And then they finally put Hugo Strange in a Batman suit so he could sit on a throne of psychology books as he psychoanalyzed Batman using kaijū and there was nobody left to speak out for some reason. Also, this isn't the worst part of this issue!

By the way, Hugo Strange's Batsuit is a "Suicide Suit" which will blow him to pieces if Batman so much as stabs him in the face with a batarang. And since that's Batman's go-to move, Batman's totally stymied! I guess Hugo Strange hasn't read Batman's Book of Reasons Why It Wasn't My Fault That the Criminal Died. I'm fairly certain that Batman can rationalize how Strange's death wasn't on him after Batman beats the crap out of him. I can already think of several! "I didn't hear him when he warned me! I mean, you know, I'm sure that that thing I didn't hear was him trying to warn me. But I didn't hear it! Can't prove I did!" Here's another one: "He chose to wear that suit when he knew the first thing I would do is put a Batarang in the air! It was already flying at him when he told me about the suit! His own fault! Should've known better!"

During Hugo Strange's Standard Supervillain Declaration of Intent, he uses the term "cro-magnum". Is he punning?

If I were writing this comic book, the first panel on the next page would be Batman saying, "What's a cro-magnum?" Then Hugo's whole scheme will fall apart as he blubbers and grows increasingly frustrated, insisting that he most definitely did say Cromagnon!

So the next worst part of this story is how the Bat-family battle the huge fifth psycho-mind monster (which must represent Batman's urge to sleep with his mother, right?): they each step into the cockpit of one of the Wayne Towers which have turned into battle stations. Whoever said an intense sense of paranoia coupled with a boundless imagination could move monsters? Was that Mohammad? Because he was right on! Batman made the ultimate Rampage Defense System! I might not know who said that thing I just made up but I do know who said the thing that will help in this situation: Vyvyan of The Young Ones! "This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence."

Actually, it's almost as if Steve Orlando planned this whole story based on hearing Vyvyan's quote! I mean, Vyvyan was talking about catching some dirty socks that had escaped the hamper. But I think even though this story is off the charts comic booky, having Hugo Strange sick dirty socks on Gotham to defeat Batman is a little too Ambush Bug off the comic book charts.

Lucius Fox never quite got around to building the Voltron System into the towers, so the Bat-Family don't get to merge them into a giant attacking tower robot. That's too bad. I would have been back on board if only the comic book had gone so far past my suspension of disbelief that I couldn't believe it, thus creating a double negative disbelief loop which would cause me to totally buy into this story. Instead of Wayne Voltron, Nightwing decides the way to end this monster is to dive into its mouth. But only after he realizes that this monster represents Batman's ego! You know, I've often thought to myself in those quiet moments when the technological world isn't slowly eating away at my psyche and inner peace, "Batman's ego probably looks like a hundred foot monster with a tooth-filled sphincter for a mouth."

Batman defeats Strange by having Clayface encompass the floor of the building Strange and Batman are on so that they eventually run out of air. Hugo collapses to the floor and, presumably, dies due to the "thump" of his Suicide Suit hitting the floor. But Batman doesn't have to take blame for that one! How could Batman have known Hugo would fall over when he ran out of oxygen?!

Oh yeah. And Nightwing survives because the monster vomits him out before it reverts back to its regular size.

Later, the Justice League come by to help clean up Gotham which is like the most unbelievable part of this entire story. They can't think up an excuse to get out of this work? It's not like Batman ever invites them over just to hang out! He always wants something. What a Bat-jerko.

The Ranking!
0! Here's something I don't need to read ever again: an evil villain psychoanalyzing a superhero whom they know only through that hero's public persona! I guess it's fine this time because Hugo Strange is a maniac who doesn't actually know how to do his non-super-villain job. So it's okay if he makes sweeping generalizations and Evel Knievel sized leaps of logic and monstrous assumptions while mistaking them for a brilliant bit of psychoanalyzing. Also, I mean, this finished much better than the rest of it. Except Hugo really should have died. I guess his Suicide Suit was just a bluff!

Detective Comics #941

What about the Monster Women? Fucking sexist bullshit.

The Review!
The various battles between the Batfamily and the Monster Men continue this issue with a little bit of forward progress against one, a little bit of backwards progress against another, and no progress at all against the third one. Batman and Batwoman make no headway against their giant Hydra-Gryphon. They spend most of the issue just asking the others how they're doing. Gotham Girl manages to kill Dick Grayson's Monster Man which is more of a Monster Woman seeing as how it's having babies all over the place. But after killing it, the Monster's gore and ichor get all over Nightwing and Gotham Girl. Subsequently, they turn into Monster Men themselves. Gross. Nightwing is going to be covered in stretch marks after this. But Spoiler and Orphan are actually making headway against the Rage Fungus! And it's all because of Orphan's great plan: "...grass."

That's it. That's her plan. You would think it would be a shitty useless plan but it's not because Spoiler knows exactly what she means!

Oh fuck you. That is patently ridiculous!

I'm not saying green leaf volatiles aren't a thing. But Spoiler's conclusion as to how they work? Get the fuck out of here! I'm glad Tim's too dead to hear this embarrassing statement by Spoiler! Let's say a blade of grass that is cut can communicate to the next blade of grass that there is danger. What the fuck is the second blade of grass going to do?! Shit itself, I suppose, because it ain't gonna do fuck all to avoid the danger of the first blade! So it doesn't make any sense that it's "the way plants communicate" or "warn each other of danger." Knowing no science behind any of this, I had to immediately call bollocks because it's a stupid conclusion. So I asked Lord Google about it and he came back with a sensible explanation. The volatiles aren't about communication with other plants. It's about "communication" with insects that prey on the insects that eat grass. So the smell attracts the insects that destroy the insects who destroy the plant! Now that makes sense on an evolutionary scale. Plants that wind up releasing these volatiles live longer because they have a bodyguard system in place. And wasps that react to this smell are more likely to find food. So even if the first blade of grass that emitted a green leaf volatile was just the laughingstock of the other blades of grass, it had a greater chance of survival if a wasp that was curious about the smell happened by. Not that evolution takes place in that kind of a time scale. But, simplistically, it makes evolutionary sense. Having a blade of grass evolve to realize it's being threatened and to send out a warning to other blades of grass that can't do anything about the threat because they're just fucking blades of grass? Get out of here!

Maybe Spoiler isn't as smart as I thought she was!

That's about the most exciting thing to happen here. It's mostly just stupid Monsters.

The Ranking!
-0! What is going on here? This feels like the kind of story DC Comics would have been thrilled about in 1979. In 2016? It feels like boring crap. At least give one of the monsters a huge ass cock to swing around.

Futures End #48

What poor planning, DC. Only 48 issues of Futures End? At least World's End ended with 26 which is half of 52. 48 just doesn't fit the your established pattern.

Futures End Tim Drake probably ended up in Limbo with all of the other forgotten DC characters. Although the population of Limbo is probably pretty low since Grant Morrison can't help but rescue obscure comic book characters every time he writes another comic book. In the latest issue of Multiverse, he brought back Ultraa! It seems like such a wasted effort for the most part. Most readers are just going to assume it's a new comic book character. Although Morrison probably has enough of a reputation that people reading his comics simply understand that every character he introduces was actually "introduced" years ago in a two issue story in Comic Funtime Medley. And, of course, there are those super nerds that recognize every character he uses who stroke themselves more quickly depending on how obscure the character is. Then they rush upstairs to tell their mom how they recognized a character that maybe 1% of comic book readers recognized and how they were first to post about it on the Comic Book Secrets That Nobody Cares About forum.

I mean, the Ultraa thing was just pure genius! But you had to know a lot about this character Ultraa to really appreciate the parallels with the Ultra Comics character. And that whole subplot about comic book characters cannibalizing each other? What commentary! What bravado! What a pool of Grant Morrison's proud spunk! Mmm! I can't get enough! Gobble gobble gobble! Are you going to finish yours? Sluuuuuuurrrrrp! Ahhh!

Enough about Captain Grant Morrison of the USS DC COMICS CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME. Let's finally see how Futures End ends. Or how it denoues! It pretty much ended last issue with Brother Eye destroying himself. Then Tim Drake was transported into a future world to be with Madison. But when he got there, the reader wasn't allowed to see what he saw. We just saw him looking at the thing we'd liked to have also looked at while saying, "Wow! My dick has fallen off and gone to heaven!"

In case you forgot how the book ended last week, the first page is wasted on reminding you that it was a cliffhanger where you didn't get to find out what Tim was looking at. Remember how frustrating that was?!

Tim Drake finds himself in a garden of statues commemorating all of the heroes that helped save the world from a threat that they didn't know was a threat. I suppose this is the world that somehow lived through the terrible Brother Eye world but then was saved but everybody still remembers having lived through the terrible world. Maybe it just transformed right in front of their eyes and they all wiped the sweat from their brow and went, "Whew! Somebody saved us or something. Or maybe it was a dream? Well, whatever happened, somebody made things better! I bet it was the super heroes! Let's build statues of them!"

As he walks past the statues, he finds a woman tending the plants around the base of the Batman Beyond statue. It's Madison! And her hair isn't on fire! She runs up to kiss him and say, "You came! Eye knew you would." Hmm. "Eye?" That's troubling! Also she has werewolf eyes! No wait. Those are Brother Eye Is! See what eye did there?

Brother Eye begins philosophizing with Tim because computers are assholes. Why do humans insist on viewing computers with artificial intelligence as logical pricks that believe they can answer the questions to existence? What about computers that have known nothing but a life of Facebook and Farmville? Shouldn't those computer be complete fucking ignorant morons? I suppose I should just judge Brother Eye on the character and not paint it with a wide "HAL 9000" brush. Brother Eye was created by Batman and Mister Terrific. Of course it's going to have pretentious asshole programming!

The Stature Garden is just an illusion. Mister Terrific appears to point out that the real world is a ruin. Tim Drake failed. Or did he? I mean, he possibly changed one timeline for the better and then was ejected back into his old timeline by Brother Eye. You can't save every fucking timeline, Tim! If you believe in that theory where every decision creates a separate timeline then you have to accept that not every timeline can be unicorns and roses. You have to accept that for every timeline where the heroes triumph there is a timeline where they fail. And an infinite amount of timelines where they fall somewhere in-between. Stop feeling so bad that you couldn't save one specific future. Take solace in the fact that there is a different you celebrating his success! Be happy for that version of you! And then...I don't know...kill yourself if this is so bad.

And now Tim must play his part in Futures End #0!

Remember how in Futures End #0 they were trying to destroy Brother Eye's power source? Remember what that power source was? Firestorm! I have a feeling a celebratory reunion with Madison is still on the horizon. And by saving Madison, Tim will destroy Brother Eye's power source and save the world. A little bit too late since everybody has already been turned into cyborgs. But at least Tim, Madison, and Michael can live free from having to hear a computer tell them how reality is what reality is and if humans see it differently then that is a problem in our biology.

Tim is saved by a bunch of rebels in green cloaks led by Ray Palmer and Amethyst. They also "save" Mister Terrific because he's probably now the smartest man on Earth instead of the third smartest man on Earth. He might be useful in stopping Brother Eye. Like maybe come up with a plan to disconnect it from Firestorm? No?

I wish Harvest were here! He'd know exactly what to do!

Well, that was easier than expected. I guess Firestorm is somebody else now.

So Tim changed the past but the future still wound up being controlled by Brother Eye. At least he stopped the Earth-2 invasion! That's a relief. I was beginning to get worried that World's End was going to end the way Futures End always said it was going to. At least in this version of the future, some of the heroes were able to escape Brother Eye. So there is still a chance to defeat him. Even if it hardly matters because the world is in ruins and only a handful of people are left alive.

Futures End #48 Rating: No change. I guess that was the last issue? And it will be continued in the Batman Beyond comic book in June? Maybe? I don't know! What an unsatisfactory ending! I knew it was four issues too short. Maybe they could have finished the stupid story if they'd released it alongside Batman Eternal and were able to write 52 issues of it. As it stands, this just feels like a 48 issue backstory to Batman Beyond or whatever comic book is going to continue the future adventures of Tim Drake and the rebels against Brother Eye. Although I already know how that series is going to end! You guessed it! Tim Drake is going to be bitten by a vampire, change his name, and take a Time Bubble back to the beginning of The New 52!

Futures End #47

In honor of the two or three intelligent readers of this blog (y'all can fight over which of you are which), this will be a serious review.

To truly understand Futures End, one must start at the beginning. Not the beginning of the series because it's been forty-six issues and I'm not going to recap them all here! I mean at the beginning of the cover. Let's begin with the name: Futures End. What does it mean? I think DC Comics forgot to add the apostrophe but since they never corrected that, we'll assume they meant the plural of future and that all of them will eventually resolve. If the name were to mean that just a few futures were going to end due to the events in this comic book, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense because there would still be an infinite amount of futures that haven't ended. One must assume that all but one future will end due to the events of this comic book. But what future will still remain after all is said and done? The Justice League 3000 future? The Legion of Super-Heroes future? The Brother Eye future? The Kamandi future (which might actually just be part of the Justice League 3000 future since Tora once had a lunch date with the boy)? Even if we agree that the Brother Eye future must end or this story wasn't worth retelling, DC Comics still has two futures which cannot be decided upon. Which means my theory is wrong. Fuck. Let's backtrack!

What if we decide that the "futures" in the title are the futures of every single character in this series which takes place in the DC Universe's future. That means that these characters' future live will end once Terry McBatman goes back in time five years, makes a house call to Bruce Wayne, and says, "Dude. I've got a message from your future self. He says, 'That Brother Eye project? Bad idea. Kill it. And if you don't believe this message is from you, let me tell you something you've never told anybody: you fucked Talia al Ghul in the ass that night she tried to drug you even though you're immune to all drugs (especially Rohypnol. Thanks Alfred!) and so you suspected she was up to something which means she harvested your semen out of her ass to create Damian which probably explains quite a few things about that kid.' Eww. Gross! Is that true?" Then Bruce will invite Terry McBatman in for some extra strong Rohypnol Tea before sending him out on his own to start his own comic book series.

So those are the futures that end! All the ones that appear in this book! I bet even the Twofers coming over from the disaster in Worlds End will be treated better than they were in the past of this comic book. Anyway, this is as serious as I get! Damian being a butt baby is a legitimate fucking theory!

And since none of the stories will, in the end, actually matter, the only real purpose of this series is to get Terry McGinnis set up in the DC Universe. But not just Terry! All of them! All of the characters that have starred in failed comic book series. Firestorm has a new look and a fresh attitude and is named after the best High Voiced Boy of them all: Madison! Amethyst has a quest to restore Gemworld. Grifter has a new family ready to protect Earth from robots in disguise. Stormwatch and SHADE are now being run by Ray Palmer. Voodoo and her pals Banger, Mash, and Mercy are ready to take on covert missions for Sgt. Frank Rock (who is going to have an insect baby soon). Blue Beetle will...oh wait. Jaime hasn't actually been in any issue except the zero issue. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure something out. Anyway, all these characters are geared for another stab at a monthly title. And so what if these future reimaginings don't mesh very well with the current New 52 books because isn't DC going to just kind of shrug their shoulders over hard line continuity come June? At least I hope that will be the case!

So this book begins with Brother Eye informing the world that he's taken over everything.

Are all these people just going to take this?

As soon as this happens, everybody would just get their phones reset to factory settings. But then they'll be reinfected with Brother Eye once they go to charge them or connect to their G3 network. But people aren't just going to sit back and let a fucking computer run their lives. So they have to clean out all the systems. First shut them down. If you can't turn off the nuclear reactors, just cut the power lines leading away from them. Can't stop the hyrdro-electric generators at the dams? Reroute the fucking rivers. It might wind up costing a lot of money, especially since everybody is going to have to throw out any piece of electronic that has been connected to a network and all the servers are going to have to be replaced and nobody is going to get online or have electricity until all this shit is replaced, but people will definitely do it rather than being ruled by a shitty wannabe C3PO. There will be setbacks! Some jerk will plug in an old laptop and begin to reinfect everything. But eventually protocols will be put in place to stop Brother Eye from moving from hardware to hardware. And laws will be written to put to death anybody that reinfects the internet. Look, you got to be harsh! Like stealing horses in the Old West! You've got to make the punishment so far out of whack with the crime that nobody even attempts it.

Or everybody just loses technology and we go back to a non-networked world. Surely we can all give up a continuous feed of LOLcats so that we can retain our free will and freedom, right? And not everybody needs to read the Tweet about the joke you just made to your buddies at Applebee's, do they? And I think all of your relatives can do without pictures of your name spelled incorrectly on your Stabuck's cup. Can't they?!

Shit. Maybe that's why Brother Eye was so successful.

So Batman, Mister Terrific, and Ray Palmer are trying to shut down Brother Eye at Terrifitech and having no luck. Also they're not doing so great against the hordes of zombie robots shuffling toward them. But that's when Harvest Tim Drake saves the day!

Should they really be using first names? Just on principle. You never know when Lois Lane will be skulking about.

Tim is all, "Is the time band ready for me so I can accidentally wind up 1000 years in the future?" And Bruce is all, "You are not going to use it! I am the most competent person ever!" And Plastique is all, "Wait. Didn't somebody mention dick a few issues ago?" And everybody is all, "There's no time!" And Ray Palmer is all, "And don't call me Shirley!"

A.L.F.R.E.D. puts Bruce in his place just like the real Alfred! He's all, "Sorry, Master Bruce. Your muscle mass is far too muscular for you to use the time belt. It must be scrawny old Tim Drake who uses it and saves the world." And then Mister Terrific tells them they will be powering the time travel belt with Firestorm. Which is when Tim finally figures out that Madison is still alive.

Gross. That latex face mask still has Plastique spit all over it.

Tim says his goodbyes to Madison (or at least this Madison) and tells the others he's ready to go back in time. Or, you know, forward 1000 years! Firestorm pumps the belt full of juice and Tim Drake, as Batman Beyond, travels back to the DC Universe's present. He appears aboard the Brother Eye satellite. Is he going to succeed in his mission and end this comic book?! I mean, it probably still has a few more issues. But it probably needs a few for a denouement, right?

Oh? So where will Earth-2's refugees wind up?! I guess they'll have to wind up on one of the Mystery Earths.

Brother Eye doesn't want to blow up so he tries to stop Tim. But Tim has seen Wargames (a movie I can't stop bringing up lately. Does DC have that many books right now about computers trying to take control?) and knows exactly how to stop Brother Eye from destroying everything! He teaches Brother Eye how to play Tic Tac Toe and Brother Eye decides it's better to kill oneself than to play shitty fucking games that nobody can ever win. It sets its self-destruct system for fifteen seconds (which I think is the lowest setting. Got to abide by OSHA standards on the safety of self-destruct systems, you know!).

I guess Brother Eye realized he wouldn't be able to resist sending the beacon to the Earth-2 refugees and thus plummeting Earth-Main-Earth into another war with Apokolips, so he kills himself instead. Isn't that a little dramatic, Bro (I'm not just being a douche! That's short for Brother Eye!)? Actually he blows himself up just in case Mister Father somehow detects his presence. Also Brother Eye just felt dirty having been written by Dan Didio during the OMAC months.

Brother Eye's last act is to send Tim Drake back to whatever future replaces the one from which he came. Probably one where Madison is all, "Eww! Do I know you? Perv!"

Or a future that makes him exclaim, "No way!" Probably because it's full of vampires. Or Titans Towers.

Futures End #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. Next time: We're headed for Venus! Venus! But still we stand tall! And maybe they've seen us! Seen us! And welcome us all?! I know there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! I know that we'll all miss her so! It's the final issue! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! *sparkly Joey eyes* Carrie! Ninja survive! Cherokee! Carrie! In times of war! Marching on the trail of tears! The final issue! *FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS*

Futures End #44

Has anybody ever thought about weaving Superman's hair into a bulletproof fabric?

I'm nervous about DC's big change up in June. What if they give me everything I've been asking for? Less concern about overall continuity. Less grim angst. More whimsical fun. Characters that actually enjoy being a superhero. What if they give us all of that and I'm still not happy?! What if I continue to type angry words into the internet but this time asking for darker heroes tied inextricably to all of the other heroes leading to huge crossover events? What if the problem isn't with DC Comics at all? What if the problem is me?! I don't think I'm ready to face some sobering truths about my own anger issues!

Currently in Futures End, Mega-Brainiac is flying Manhattan up into outer space to rendezvous with his ship. Usually when he collects a city from a planet, that means the planet is doomed. But Earth was doomed years ago when Brainiac tried to steal Metropolis except Superman managed to save it that time and Brainiac left off. But then he came back to try to steal a bunch of Earthlings to transfer Coluan minds into and Superman threw him into a black hole. I think it was in that black hole that Brainiac met Mega-Brainiac where Brainiac bitched about Earth being the rare chase planet missing from his collection. And Mega-Brainiac was all, "I love collecting Earths! I have lots of Earths from old, discontinued universes but I didn't realize a new universal set was on the shelves! Let's go shopping!" And he decided to steal Manhattan because that's where his favorite characters from all the universes live. He's going to be disappointed that he's stealing DC's Manhattan and not Marvel's.

I suppose Brainiac and Mega-Brainiac are the same Brainiac and Brainiac just spent eons collecting old universes in the black hole and getting more powerful before finally coming back to this universe about five years after he left it.

Superman goes after Mega-Brainiac while Batman and the Gang discuss plans for keeping Terry McBatman's future from coming true.

Have you not heard one word Terry McBatman has been saying, Bruce?

While Batman places the head of his penis right up against the future's anal sphincter and begins spitting on it, Superman punches the Multiverses out of Mega-Brainiac. That might cause some problems. While Mega-Brainiac is reprogramming around his concussion, The Atom zips up on a billion uSpheres full of Brother Eye programming. Brother Eye shuts down Mega-Brainiac's defenses and The Atom turns Mega-Brainiac into Teensy-Brainiac. And then Manhattan begins to fall out of the sky. Nice one!

And the only price for victory was making a deal with Brother Eye! Yay! And also kind of introducing Brother Eye to Brainiac in his uSphere prison. Yay?

So what has Grifter's family has been up to lately? Don't they have a role to play in saving the universe or is their story done? Maybe they got enough set up for when the next Grifter book comes out.

Is Convergence going to take place inside Teensy-Brainiac's uSphere prison which has been programmed so that he believes he was successful and is still running around the universe collecting shit?

Barely speaking of Convergence, I see DC's advertisement for it shows the creative teams behind the comics from the first two weeks. And not only are they bringing back characters people have been missing for over three years now, they're also bringing back writers that nobody has been clamoring for! Writers like Frank Tieri, Ron Marz, and Fabian Nicieza! At least I haven't been clamoring for them! I can't say for certain that they're awful writers. But I think I can say that they didn't really try very hard on their work for The New 52 because I do not remember their names fondly. On the plus side, Greg Rucka is on The Question and Tony Bedard, whose characterizations and dialogue I think really shine, has a few titles too. And for fans of stories written in 1986, Dan Jurgens is on Superman!

Futures End #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was as collectible as a Raphael Teenage Mutant Ninja pin.

Futures End #43

Mega-Brainiac was like a god on his home planet but now that he's visiting New York? Simply another Godzillerfield.

It's hard to believe that there are people in the world who enjoy comic books but don't enjoy my blog. What are they doing with their lives? Failing, presumably! This blog is the perfect companion piece to reading DC Comics! Especially if you don't really care that the experience doesn't add anything to your life. It's actually stealing minutes from your life! And you're left no better for the time wasted! Ha ha! You're so going to regret reading this blog on your deathbed.

Oh! But wait! My caption for this first scan will be totally worth it!

He is alive! And he has an erection!

Mega-Brainiac's plan to steal Manhattan has failed because Ray Palmer pulled the old pretend to be obliterated but actually just shrink down to microscopic size ploy which nobody ever expects for some reason. He's called The Atom, people! That's a clue to his powers! Plus, you've probably seen him shrink once or twice. Anybody who is fooled by The Atom's fake death shrinking tactic needs to go back to super villain school.

But now that Mega-Brainiac's mega-plan has been nixed, he's just stomping around New York like a Kaiju. And to top off his failure sundae, Brother Eye has come back to take over the world himself!

Superman comes around and Lois decides if she doesn't interview him now, she'll never get another chance. So she wastes his time asking questions as Mega-Brainiac kicks over a few more buildings. During the interview, Lois Lane mentions Batman and Superman yells, "No more questions!" What did that Batdude do to him during the war?

Ha ha! He means go to Plan B! I bet Giffen wrote this page!

While Mega-Brainiac begins manually stealing Manhattan, most of the other characters meet up at Terrifitech. Like Mister Terrific and Batman, Red Robin, Plastique, Coil, and The Key, and pretty soon Terry McBatman as well. They're probably going to have to come up with some kind of plan or something because right now, nobody is really doing much of anything. Mister Terrific is stroking his own ego while Batman tries to dodge the ejaculate. Red Robin and Plastique are just stepping over dead Terrifitech employees. Coil and The Key are wondering where they've been for so many issues. And Terry McBatman is just flying around doing absolutely no good for anybody. When are they all going to slip into the Preboot universe?! I'm tired of waiting and paying $2.24 every week to wait some more!

I get a discount from my comic book store!

There's some discussion about how much Plastique loves dick--unless it was Dick? Who can tell when DC refuses to use lower case letters--and then this happens:

Whoops! I hope time doesn't unravel completely now!

Plastique survives how all good guys survive when they're yanked out of a window by the bad guy! She avoids exploding and grabs onto a ledge. Terry McBatman rescues her and they kiss passionately. That's me using my imagination. They actually just have a junior high school level kiss. And Terry McBatman doesn't even take off his face latex.

Finally, Mega-Brainiac begins flying Manhattan back to his spaceship and Mister Terrific finally admits that he's been used and he's a dupe and he's probably the third stupidest person on Earth now.

Futures End #43 Rating: -1 Ranking. Not much happened here. Even Lois and Superman reuniting was flat and boring. Shouldn't there have been a finger bang at least, or a hand job? This issue really mostly felt like filler. Almost as if the writers are working by a schedule which demands that this series end on a specific date. So they might have to stretch out a few plot points or they might end too early.

Futures End #41

Mister Terrific might be the world's third smartest man but his juggling technique is terrible.

At times, I feel like Alexander Pope,
Ranting and raving and having lost hope
That readers have any brains left at all.
The stories they love just fill me with gall.
Books just need to star a hero adored,
To be treated as if a gift from the Lord.
Critics heap praise on the worst ever made,
Hoping for blurbs on the front of the trade.
"A visual spectacle!" writes CBR
On piss running down the back of the bar.
"Gutsy change of pace!" I guess that describes
Nocenti's Catwoman without any lies.
But "Well-done...inviting" for J.T. Krul's
Short work on Green Arrow? What are we? Fools?
"Exceptional" for Lobdell's Titans Teen?
Crave Online, that blurb is almost obscene.
IGN's Superboy quote, "lotta fun,"
Must have been written at the point of a gun.
And now I've begun to feel like a dope,
Because I've remembered I fucking hate Pope.

I don't hate Lois Lane but boy do I hate the way she's portrayed sometimes.

Who does Lois Lane fucking think she is and what does she think journalism is all about? This isn't a story that only she can break. This is the kind of story she should avoid because every fucking hack is going to write a piece on the destruction of New York by a gigantic robot and his pink balls. Does she believe she's the only journalist with something important to say? That she's the only one that's going to have some kind of insightful spin on this disaster? Why is her stupid fucking blog the main thing on her mind while the city is being destroyed and her life is in danger? I guess if I were a Writer's Writer, I'd get all pretentious about how writers truly observe shit and how they see things in microscopic details that others miss and a whole bunch of other self-congratulatory bullshit that writers love to write about when they can't think of anything else to write. How many of Lois's blog entries begin, "Being a writer allows me to...blah blah blah." Fuck you!

Being a writer, I understand that I could come up with literally one or two words other than "fuck" when swearing. But, being a writer, I pick and choose my words carefully. And anybody that thinks "fuck" can be overused can go fuck themselves right in their fucking fuckholes.

Meanwhile, Superman, who is also a writer, flies in to save New York while not thinking, "I can't wait to tweet this shit all over my social blogosphere!" He does not think, "Lois Lane is going to be so pissed when Clark scoops her on this story! She'll be all, 'Superman flew in to save the day!' And Clark will be all, 'Superman, having been making a living farming in Africa since the end of the Earth-2 Wars, learned of a threat against Manhattan from a smarmy English Bloke named John Constantine, who smelled of corn chips and stale cigarettes. Superman told me that while he was flying into battle, he was thinking, "I can't wait to tell my story to Clark Kent because he always picks exactly the right words to make the reader feel as if they were there in the heart of the action. Unlike that hack Lois Lane!"'" No, you know what? He probably was thinking exactly that.

Meanwhile in space, Hawkman flies into Mega-Brainiac's spaceship and realizes this guy doesn't just collect worlds!

He collects universes! I mean, he collects fucking universes!

Of course Donna Troy is front and center because she's one of the best symbols about how DC's penchant for "fixing" their universe always creates just as many problems as the fix was expected to solve. Also pictured in Mega-Brainiac's Universe Collection? Adam West's Batman! It's now DC Canon, people! Adam West Batman is just as real as Frank Miller's Dark Knight! And you know what that means, right? Julie Newmar's Catwoman is now the hottest Catwoman in all of DC's canon versions of Catwoman!

Also featured: Ambush Bug! Because fuck yeah, that's why!

Also featured: Harbinger, Pariah, and Lady Quark because we're going to need some Anti-Monitor nonsense to really spice this shit up.

Also featured: Legion of Super-heroes and the Justice Society because that shit will need to come back because people miss it for some reason.

Hawkman comes face to face with Shayera and then gets the multiverses knocked out of him.

I was once hit this hard which is why I have no other future possibilities other than writing commentaries on DC Comics.

Mister Terrific watches Manhattan engulfed in a pink dome as Mega-Brainiac taunts him. Mega-Brainiac thinks Mister Terrific is dumbfounded by the sheer magnitude of Mega-Brainiac's destruction but he's wrong. Mister Terrific is merely thinking about how this is totally fucking up the uSphere's launch.

Mega-Brainiac also discusses omnipotence and he totally gets it! It's what I've been saying forever! Both ways forever! Because I'm sure this won't be the last time I say it!

See? I wrote this back in Wonder Woman #25: "I pointed out that if you're omnipotent, you would experience all things and all times as one quick and furious "now" moment. Omnipotence would make immortality a brief experience." I couldn't find where I originally mused about it since it's hard to sort through over two thousand commentaries. It was probably in one with Scott Lobdell's Oracle character though.

So Bruce interrupts Mister Terrific's conversation with Mega-Brainiac while Plastique and Tim Drake explore the rest of the building.

McG? Oh! She means Terry McBatman! It's hard keeping characters straight when the characters don't call each other by the names I made up for them.

Polaris, Shazaperman, and Firestorm teleport down to Manhattan to battle Baby Mega-Brainiac because Superman is out of shape, cramped up, and fell into the bay. Now the Justice League has to call on all the heroes (and probably villains) everywhere to help battle this new cosmic threat! Too bad this wasn't Marvel because all of the heroes and villains would already be in Manhattan ready to fight. But being DC, the heroes and villains have to travel from all over the world to join the fight.

They're unable to stop Baby Mega-Brainiac from hooking up his Manhattan Transfer to Mega-Brainiac in orbit. But they still have thirteen minutes before the connection is complete because that's like some kind of Super Villain Union Rule. You can't immediately defeat the good guys. You have to give them a fighting chance. Although during the transfer, Ray Palmer is obliterated by the same Pink Multiuniversal light that disintegrated Hawkman. Or did it? They probably just got transferred into Convalescence earlier than the rest of the New 52 Universe.

Futures End #41 Rating: +2 Ranking. Things are really ramping up nicely now that Convocation is nearly here! Plus two super heroes "died" this issue! Isn't that what this stupid book is supposed to be about? Heroes dying because it's an elseworld's story in which writers can kill heroes willy-nilly?! That's what I was expecting, anyway. And I've been sorely disappointed so far! Almost as disappointed in the same lack of deaths over in Suicide Squad.

Oh! And in the Next Issue Mural: Tara Markov! Preboot version! You know, the only version that matters!

Futures End #28

What's something totally recognizable in Gotham that we can have the Batmen crash into while fighting (even though they're battling in New York City?)? I know!

I know, I know! The fight in New York ended almost immediately when Plastique blew the poop out of everybody in Tim Drake's apartment. This cover probably represents the next meeting of the Batmen! It doesn't look like it goes any better.

Do you think an editor would have told me that I can't use the phrase "I know" three times in a row? Probably! But who needs editors anyway? Don't you dare say I do, you traitor.

This issue begins with Lois Lane not being eaten by sharks because she parachuted onto Cadmus Island and not into the ocean like we all thought was going to happen, right? Right? You all thought that too, right? Thought that this issue would be twenty pages of Lois Lane drowning while hallucinating a happy life courting and eventually marrying Superman? Then at the last minute, she would be saved from drowning by a shark and die from blood loss and shock instead.

On Cadmus Island, Lois runs into an OMAC, and then an OMAC, and then another OMAC, an OMAC, an OMAC, two OMACS, then another OMAC, and finally somebody she recognizes (not an OMAC).

Has Lois Lane ever worn a Lantern ring? Did she call herself Lois Lantern?

Over in Frank Rock's office, Frank and King Faraday and, soon, Fifty Sue and Voodoo are all trying to figure out who is going to kill whom and what enemy is the worst and how do any of them work together when some of them want to kill some of the others and what the fuck is going on in this comic book again?

Voodoo's steez is pretty kickin', yo.

Wait, wait. I think I got this, Voodoo. See, your buddy Grifter was taken by Faraday to be part of a team that would remove superheroes from the world. But that team was infiltrated by Brother Eye so Faraday turned the team's attention to destroying Brother Eye. But then Faraday realized he needed a back-up plan to kill the super powered members of his team who were busy defeating Brother Eye and/or killing and capturing other super powered people! So he hired Frank Rock's Girl Squad to kill Fifty Sue. But then Deathstroke joined with Brother Eye in an attempt to kill Fifty Sue which made Fifty Sue want to kill Deathstroke which caused her to seek out Faraday and join the team that was put together to kill her. Easy peasy!

Meanwhile, Batman and Batman Beyond do not smash into the Batsignal. And Tim Drake, Ronnie Raymond, and Jason Rusch all search for Madison Payne. But they'll never find her because she's with Doctor Yamazake testing out his teleportation device. Such a helpful lass.

Futures End #28 Rating: No Ratings November continues! Judging by the cover of Futures End #29 and the "in next issue" pics, it looks like Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch are going to break up permanently.

Look how terrified poor Ronnie is of merging with a female!