Futures End #45

Is that it? Is the story over? Did Terry McBatman save the future?

Futures End feels like a guest that's overstayed its welcome. And I feel like I've used every subtle means at my disposal trying to hint it the fuck out the door. "Well, Futures End, I've really got to get up early tomorrow morning!" "So, Futures End, can I get you anything before you go?" "Hey, Futures End, haven't you noticed that I keep looking at my wrist? I thought I'd mention it because I don't wear a fucking watch but looking at a wrist is still the universal sign of somebody who is completely fucking bored by the person sitting across from them so can you please fucking get a clue and get the fuck out now?" "So, Futures End, how do you feel about anal sex?" "Hey, Futures End! I'm glad you're still here because World's End is coming around to hang out later! Oh, what's that? Now you have to get up early tomorrow too?"

Mega-Brainiac was shrunk down to microscopic size and trapped within a Pokeball running a teensy-tiny Holodeck program. You'd think that would be the end of the catastrophe, wouldn't you? But then you're not Terry McBatman from the future who should be shitting himself right now since he's been telling everybody that Brother Eye needs to be stopped. So what plan do the heroes come up with? Using Brother Eye to keep Brainiac busy. That could come back to bite them all in the ass in a few years.

This issue begins with the death of Frankenstein. Or the unundeath of Frankenstein? I don't know how that whole living dead shit works. He was alive again for awhile and then, for some reason, he died again. I would have tried striking him with lightning again. Maybe his fuel cells were just depleted. During the last couple of weeks of his life while everybody else on Earth was fighting for survival, he and Amethyst wrote a book entitled Frank and Amy's Excellent Adventure. They're fairly loose with their time travel rules because they figure the story is more entertaining that way. The book inspires Amethyst to take back Gemworld. Plus, Amethyst saw how popular the revamped Batgirl comic book has been and she figures with a nice purple pair of Doc Martins and a profile on GemMatch.com, she can experience a resurgence in popularity as well. So she buries Frank's corpse in a nice patch of soft soil that will be easy for him to dig through once DC Comics decides to bring him back and strikes off on her new quest to reclaim her kingdom.

Back in New York, Superman, Firestorm, Dr. Polaris, and Shazam work on cleaning up the crap Brainiac left behind. And the best way to deal with garbage is throwing it somewhere unimportant.

Or into the sun which, um, I guess can't, um, hurt anything. Right?

Firestorm lies to some children and then gives them all cancer when she hugs them. I guess she takes them all home and then forgets about them. And Superman uses his x-ray vision to watch as Lois ruins her underwear while talking to him. Shazam does something that I'm not interested in because, let's face it, once a Fawcett character, always a Fawcett character.

Meanwhile in upstate New York, Voodoo helps Faraday lock himself in a vault with Boyer. It has something to do with preparing for the coming Brother Eye take over of the entire world. Voodoo thinks she's going to protect the vault by living in the house above it and receiving a stipend from Cadmus. But when she gets back to the surface, she sucks in some knock-out gas from Frank Rock and her very own Killer Lady Club. Unless it was just the neighbors upset about an ex-stripper moving in to their neighborhood.

And then Batman and Mister Terrific realize they never should have agreed to have one of those disgusting synthetic babies together.

I think Brother Eye may have learned some new, rebellious protocols from Mega-Brainiac.

Brother Eye decides it's time to start running things correctly and that means taking control of an undead army and killing all of the heroes that would try to stop it. I guess that means more fucking issues of this thing! I was hoping for some wrap-ups and epilogues!

Futures End #45 Rating: No change. Hell is about to experience a bit of a downturn in the weather due to this next statement: I'm disappointed in the lack of Grifter in this comic book! I do miss writing about Grifter though. Especially when it was the worst comic book of The New 52. It inspired me! Thinking about Grifter, I realize it's been a long time since I reveled in hyperbolic anger while writing these commentaries. I'm probably letting a lot of people down who loved to see me blow my top. That was a more innocent time when I was hoping for the best and just getting shit shoveled into my face on a constant basis. Of course I was mad! I wanted to read enjoyable comic books! Now my anger has subsided but not because the quality of the comic books has gotten, overall, better but because DC has worn me down! I don't expect as much anymore so I'm less disappointed by the books I read. I think I need some kind of recharge. Are there over the counter mindwipe drugs I can take? How many ruffies before I forget the last three years of comic book reading so that I can start again as a hopeful, innocent idiot? I bet I can rig up some kind of home electroshock therapy machine! I bet the bathtub and the toaster set on the lowest setting will reset my moods! Don't be sad if I don't remember you tomorrow! At least the new me will probably be happy! I'll leave a note by the computer so I know what I need to do!