Trinity of Sin #6

The Question asked "Who am I?" one too many fucking times.

I just rewatched the first half of Season 7 of Mad Men in preparation for the second half of Season 7 beginning next week. It's possible that episode 7, "Waterloo," made me tear up more times for different plot points than any other show or movie I've watched. I'm sure I've cried more over other things but not for so many different reasons. I mean, every time I cried during The Fox and the Hound was due to society trying to bully the individual into giving up their individuality and act as irrationally as everybody else simply because that's the way society has always done it. Fuck you, Farmer! Just allow your hound to be gay in peace already!

Now it's time to consume a piece of media that will make me feel nothing at all! Good job, Trinity of Sin! I know my emotions will remain at a level state for the next two hours!

It doesn't take me two hours to read one comic book. But it usually takes me two hours to read and write about the comic book I'm reading, especially since I'm doing it on the internet and look at all the fun distractions on the internet that are more interesting than Trinity Sin! Also porn!

Oh Pandora. Go suck a cock.

Here's what I've learned about being broken: most people don't know when they are. They get chipped and dented and dinged and cracked by dozens and dozens of tiny, daily traumas. These are the sorts of "traumas" which if told to even the best of friends may elicit not much more than an eyeroll. They're the kinds of things that we're told, from an early age, are just part of life. They're the reasons we're assured that life isn't fair. Enough people seem to accept them so everybody else is told to accept them as well. And the underlying message of that, of "life isn't fair," is that nobody should ever try to make it so. Enh, what can we do? It's just life! And it's not fair! So buck up, fill out your resume properly, get a job you fucking hate, and deal with it, hound. And so eventually we don't even realize we're broken and, at least to ourselves, worthless until it's too late.

I don't think the breaking is that bad. That's a sign that you're in danger. But being told that a little glue will fix it is the problem. By focusing on how a broken person needs to get put back together to be accepted back into society, we ignore the real problem of how society broke the person in the first place. When we glue the vase because some asshole was playing ball in the house, that doesn't fix the problem of the asshole who is still playing ball in the house. You want to stop planes being driven into the ground by broken people? Well, I can't help you with that. It's a side-effect of the life everybody seems to want to live. And life isn't fair.

Okay, I'm back to reading the comic book and I should apologize for telling Pandora to go suck a cock because she's not the Narrator. The Narrator hasn't been identified yet but it's probably Doctor Thirteen or the transexual angel. I forget hir name. Zauriel! (Um, thanks Lord Google! Fuck you, brain. You idiot.)

The Trinity are currently prisoners of Venna the Triple-Faced Queen of Dark World. Apparently Quackers was just Venna's John the Baptist and now it's time for her to lose her head. Mostly because she did such a good job of bringing back the Dark World that everybody in the Dark World think that it had never fallen. So nobody is going to pin a medal on Quackers' chest. That's too bad for Quackers the Cosmic Duck. I thought she was going places.

The Trinity of Sin are down and out and everything is going wrong but then they eat their spinach!

Duh duh duh DUN DUN DUN! Duh duh duh duh DUN DUN DUN!

While the Trinity make muscles with cartoons of warships in them, I should talk about what I've learned about darkness! No matter how benevolent and enlightened a person thinks they are, they're still full of incredible darkness. At times, it's hard to see from within. We want what we want so badly that often we ignore the price that other people pay in order for our own desires to be fulfilled. I would love to believe that as a person ages they grow less likely to commit atrocities (of varying degree! I am using the word lightly. We're not all committing genocide on a weekly basis) but then I've seen what rich old white men think of other people. It's horrific. And look at how much "evil" (I put it in quotes because, again, I'm using the word lightly. I don't mean some all-consuming dark entity pulling the strings of puppet people that have yet to find Jesus. In fact, I'm about to accuse a whole lot of Jesus lovers in acting evil!) is being perpetrated by the self-labeled religious set. They're simply using their religion to attain their own selfish desires. They don't want to accept money from gay people so they hide behind some ambiguous texts (texts with many, many other ambiguous rules that they don't even bother to follow or even probably know about) to defend their assholery. People will go to great lengths to convince themselves that they're not being mean-spirited dickmonsters.

Hey! Here's an idea! How about the United States Government begin printing two separate sets of currency. Make half of it pink and the other half green. Then these asshole people that don't want to accept gay patrons can stay away from all gay money! Then the rest of us can stick to using pink money (of course, we'll use green when it's given to us as change. Whatever. We're not the bigots! I don't think. Maybe I am! But I'm only really against those asshole foxes trying to befriend all of our hounds. No wait. That's exactly the opposite what I said earlier. Nevermind). Let's see how quickly they start accepting gay money when the pink currency begins gaining value over the green currency.

The Trinity of Sin realize during their fight against Quackers and Venna that they'd have to absorb all of the darkness of Dark Earth. Then they'd have to live with darkness and sin in their hearts! They'd have a real reason to be the Trinity of Sin instead of the stupid reason where they were convicted by a bunch of old wizards for crimes they didn't even commit or couldn't even remember. Then they got to walk around for thousands of years going, "Why the fuck am I being punished again? Curiosity? Helping a friend accomplish his goals? Who am I?" Now they'll get to walk around thinking, "I saved the world!" And while they were walking around thinking that, people will spit on them and call them evil whores.

Earth is regained and Quackers is transformed back into Nimraa.

Nimraa sounds like my old high school friend Soy Rakelson after attending college for a bit. "What the?! Things aren't just black and white? All this gray is bullshit! I'm going to go back to the comfort of my C.S. Lewis books now."

Nimraa leaves a magic sword behind which The Phantom Stranger ultimately claims without any debate on the subject of ownership. The Question steals the darkness from Pandora and The Phantom Stranger and ditches them. Pandora...I don't know. She goes back to her relationship with a baby?

The magic sword was the one that held Doctor Thirteen's soul. So, and this is so obvious I shouldn't even mention it, stabbing him in the chest with it restored his soul and brought him back to life. It's like regaining your memory by smashing your head into a ceiling beam! Total medical fact. And Doctor Thirteen admits to being the Narrator. But then we already knew that, didn't we, readers who pay attention even when they want to be doing something else?

The issue ends with The Question disappearing in a puff of question marks. Then the book says, "The end...?" Yes the end! Just put a fucking period on that statement, you assholes! Enough with your Trinity of Sin garbage! The next time The Question appears, he or she had better have a fucking good reason for it! And since that next time is soon with Greg Rucka writing it, I'm going to guess that there will be!

Trinity of Sin #6 Rating: No change. See that, Trinity? That's called a gift! Merry Whatever! Here's your no change in ranking even though your comic book didn't have a point! Don't let the pellets from my shotgun hit you in the ass on the way out the door!

Trinity of Sin #5

Is this what it's like, as a woman, to sit between two men on the New York subway?

I don't have to admit but I'm going to anyway, thinking about getting a glimpse at the other side of that cube is kind of turning me on.

The Trinity of Sin have gotten themselves trapped inside the Cube of Redemption which has no AC and no rent control. Also, the individual units are crucifixes. And the landlord is a gigantic cosmic duck. All in all, it's more accommodating than any truly affordable apartment in San Francisco.

This issue is narrated by The Question, so be prepared to read the phrase "Who am I?" two or three dozen times. Apparently he doesn't have to phrase every single thought in the form of a question even though that's the way the words come out of his mouth when he speaks. Could The Question be Alex Trebek? No, that's ridiculous. I've never seen The Question correct anybody's pronunciation of French.

The Question goes on and on and on (much like The Phantom Stranger before him!) describing his ordeal while hanging on the cross. Glass vultures attack them which is probably symbolic of something my ignorance keeps me from noting. Then they're attacked by glass turtles and lizards and scorpions and snakes. Crawling beasts of the earth. Once again, der! Duh! Why don't I know about more things?! It's probably Biblical! Didn't Joseph once brag to his brothers that he had a dream in which he had a huge, erect cock and all of his brothers had tiny limp cocks? And Joseph shot hundreds of gallons of his seed into grain silos or something? While hot, naked Egyptian women danced around him seven at a time? Does that have anything to do with glass vultures and glass turtles?

The Question decides that since he's narrating this thing, he'd better be the one to break free from the crucifix and help the others. It would be a little bit embarrassing if he had to narrate watching helplessly as Pandora or The Phantom Stranger broke free as he whined and moaned.

The Question is unable to help the other two sinners, so he decides to run across the desert instead where he runs into a bunch of annoying, naked philosophers.

I swear to you that I did not photoshop all of those "Who am I?" questions just to make my earlier prediction of seeing that question asked two to three dozen times come true. Probably.

The Question recognizes these naked philosophers as aspects of himself from the past so he drives them all away at the point of his Spear of Destiny. That probably would be annoying, being accosted by past versions of yourself. I don't even think I'd be able to stand me from just three days ago. Ugh. What a disappointment!

An angel appears and begins lying to The Question. "All men have souls! All men can be redeemed!" Who is this fucker? The newest coach on The Biggest Loser? The angel's name is The Caretaker, so maybe he is! Or she is! I think angels are sexless because the last thing God wants to keep him up all night are thousands of angels banging the crap out of each other.

Here's the scene where they meet:

Caretaker: "Ques! Ques! Can I call you Ques?"
Question: "Who am I?"
Caretaker: "Who you are is not as important as what you do! You are your actions! I mean, you are what you think of the person that is capable of acting in the way in which you acted! You are not your past because who wants to remember that time you touched your dog's wiener? You are not your past because you might never touch your dog's wiener again! You are who you are now! Right now! In this moment! Hey, Ques, are you listening to me?"
Question: "Sorry! I was just over here touching this dog's wiener."

Oh, I forgot the most important part of their exchange! The Caretaker tells The Question that this comic book is called "The Trinity of Sin" and not "The Question" so get the fuck back to his friends and help them. He finds them still on the their crosses engaged in a riotous pity party.

And from that day forward, The Question knew that not knowing was the greatest knowledge of all!

The Question stabs his cohorts in the heart with his Spear of Destiny which rescues them because philosophy. They then find themselves in a garden where they're welcome to stay as long as they want. Which would be fantastic if not for that whole "leaving Earth to rot at the winds of Quackers" thing. So they choose to go back to Dark Earth and kick some duck ass.

Trinity of Sin #5 Rating: No change. I hope this series ends with The Question figuring out who he is so that he's able to move on. And then he'll leave his hat somewhere for Renee Montoya to find. The Phantom Stranger should find that he was set up and was never Judas at all because duh! Just look at his skin color! Pandora should just join the Justice League where every day, Batman can make some condescending remark about her guns. Mostly, I just hope DC drops this whole fascination with this Trinity of Sin bit that has never really been very interesting and just keeps getting more boring the more they write about it.

Trinity of Sin #4

The Box of Redemption is a toilet!

Is this the issue we find out who The Question is? I bet he was the first sentient person to have a moment of free time because other people were hunting the mammoths and gathering root vegetables and protecting the tribe while he was sitting on a rock trying to avoid the myriad tasks his people needed to keep them all alive for another winter. And suddenly he had a moment of pure unadulterated luxury, free from worry and death and cold and hunger and strife, and he thought, "Who am I?" (In his own prehistoric language, of course!) The question was so foreign to him that he spoke it out loud as another member of his tribe was passing by. The tribesman turned to him and said, "You Zok!" And Zok said, "No, no! But who is Zok? Really? Who are any of us?" And the other tribesman, not realizing that Zok had just invented philosophy, failed to smash his skull and save us all from pretentious bastards sitting in coffee shops centuries later saying, "What's outside this window? Is it just a fantasy? What is reality? How can we ever know anything? What if it's all just zeros and ones?"

Just as the Trinity were about to recover the Redemption Box at the end of last issue, The Question turned on them! Quackers the Cosmic Duck appeared in the sky with a battalion of monster bugs to recover the Redemption Box for herself. If all of these people want so desperately to be redeemed, why don't they address what they did wrong and work to make amends to the people they hurt? Why does everybody think there's an easy fix for everything? That Box is probably just full of snake oil and dog turds.

The first few pages are filled with a lot of The Phantom Stranger's mental masturbation.

Taking The Question prisoner, Pandora and The Phantom Stranger flee from Quackers and enter the heart of the mountain where the Redemption Box is kept. But they can't open the box until The Phantom Stranger fills a few more pages with his pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Why doesn't J.M. DeMatteis just write a novel? Why is he writing a comic book when he seems to invest most of his energy in telling the tale through the eyes of The Phantom Stranger, Narration Box after Narration Box. The visuals are rarely needed and most of the plot points come down to the Trinity either overcoming an obstacle using their vague powers or not overcoming an obstacle using their vague powers. It makes for a fairly boring comic book. But DeMatteis seems to be most interested in documenting The Phantom Stranger's thoughts and his inner struggles. I think that would work much better as a novel where he could spend pages on the inner struggle of each character. That way, the mundane plot points would be better spread out and perhaps feel less like trivial moments that exist simply to create a false sense of the characters' forward progression.

The spell was unbearable! But they bearabled it anyway!

The three eventually touch the Redemption Box together and say, "Taaruu!" Instead of turning into a God so they can defeat Quackers, they're sucked into the Redemption Box where they're crucified upon a bleak, barren plain. Quackers shrugs at their disappearance, takes the box, and heads home.

Trinity of Sin #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. What is the fucking point of this comic book? What is the fucking point of Trinity of Sin in The New 52? Weren't they supposed to have some kind of important part to play? If they're not the cause of the Convalescence, then I'm just going to be left baffled by this entire series. So far, they're just victims that have done nothing but react to Quackers taking over the world. It's mostly just a lesser version of The Blight storyline minus a babysitter as Jesus character. If I felt emotions, I'd be angry that this comic book were stealing so many precious moments of my finite lifespan!

Trinity of Sin #3

"Oh god! What are all these monsters?! And why are we all so overdressed?!"

My 2015 New Year's Resolution is to start shoving a twenty sided die up my ass just before I shit so that I can yell, "Critical!" as I poop.

I reread last month's commentary last year, so I do not remember what had been taking place in this comic book. My memories are currently a hazy collage of shimmering alcohol, sweaty naked flesh, and blood. Holy Christ, so much blood. But I do think Quackers the Cosmic Duck was making trouble for the poor, misunderstood Trinity of What The Fuck Did We Do To Deserve This?

This issue begins with Pandora remembering that time she was visiting the Winslows when she opened a box that released all the evil into the world and then said, "Did I do that?" But eventually she realized that she was just a prisoner of a mediocre catch phrase and she rose above being typecast as the Mother of All Monsters to become The Ray of Hope and Light! Or something. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Does anybody understand this comic book? Do they want to tell me what profound, thematic conclusions they've reached while reading about the Trinity of Sin? I think this series is trying to teach people not to rat out their best friend even when he totally wants you to, and not to open unmarked boxes, and to always be asking, "Who am I?" The problem is I'm always going to rat out my friend if that's what he needs, I'm certainly going to keep opening unmarked boxes, and I'm never going to ask "Who am I?" because I know I'm not the type of person that needs other people to see how fucking introspective I am. I fucking know who I am! And I'm a bad-ass motherfucker!

I bet The Question is pointing at something he doesn't recognize and asking, "Who am I?"

The Trinity have found themselves on Earth That Was or Will Be or Has Become or Something. Quackers the Cosmic Duck is using the guilt of the Trinity of Sin to reshape Earth into Shadow Earth, home of the Cosmic Duck People. But The Phantom Stranger digs deep into the wellspring of his personality which is composed entirely of not wanting to be punished and constantly rebelling against Dog to say, "What if I kill myself before the spell is finished? Will it save the world?" And then The Question said, "Hey! You stole my dialogue! I can tell because it ended in a question mark!" And Pandora said, "I have these guns!"

Quackers the Cosmic Duck quickly gets to first base with The Phantom Stranger because she remembers he's totally into kissing people he's going to betray. Quackers is all, "Mmm! Mmm! Did Christ use any tongue? Should I use tongue? Do ducks have tongues?" The Phantom Stranger loses his mind which is the appropriate reaction to having been kissed by a Cosmic Duck that's actually kind of sexually appealing. Everybody is captured. But Pandora is less attracted to female Cosmic Ducks than the other two, so she breaks free and later frees them from their captivity as sex slaves.

I don't know what kind of contraption The Question is in but I think I want one.

The Trinity wind up in the Woods of Uncertainty outside of Quackers' domain. It's pretty exciting stuff if you're into boring fantasy books that exceed five hundred pages because they're filled with scenes that don't fucking matter. So far, this story feels like J.M. DeMatteis is filling time until he can figure out what this story is supposed to be about. At least I hope that's what he's doing or else Quackers the Cosmic Duck is just a re-skinned version of Blight with some minor tweaks to her history.

And to continue the Fantasy Book Theme J.M. seems to be going with, he gives The Trinity a quest! A quest to find the Box of Redemption!

If this where the Shannara series instead of a twenty page comic book, this page alone would comprise five different books.

Oho! The Box of Redemption, is it?! It will save humanity but, coincidentally, it could also save them! Because don't the Trinity of Sin need some kind of redemption? I mean, I don't think they do. But the characters themselves and everybody they encounter seems to think they need redemption.

I bet Quackers also needs it! Why else would Quackers allow them to go questing for so long without stopping them?

Surprise!

Trinity of Sin #3 Rating: No change. What's in the box? What's in the box!? What's in the BOX!!? WHAT'S in THE box!!!? WHAT'S IN THE BOX!!!!?

Trinity of Sin #2

God is a gigantic Kitten?! Hallelujah! I believe!

Last issue ended with the surprise revelation of Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might be the most powerful DC Villain not created by Jack Kirby. I say "might be" because I know nothing about Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might also just be another boring character created and written by J.M. DeMatteis. I wish I knew how to write comic books so I could give J.M. some pointers to help him create believable, likable, and interesting characters. I'd say, "J, bro. Can I call you J? What the audience is looking for is three dimensionality! They want to believe that these characters are feeling the feels forced on them by the situation they're in! You can't just have The Phantom Stranger's entire character be 'He wears a fedora and a trench coat.' You have to think up aspects of their personality which cause them to constantly make poor decisions, or to love too well, or to listen to witches, or to believe gossip from the dumbest and least likable of his three daughters. Here's what I do when I want to make a believable character, J. I make a Master List of Personalty Traits. Then I hang that list on the wall so I can refer back to it when I'm writing a scene containing that character. Let's say it's the nineties and I just created a comic book character named Bloodageddon. I'd list his personality traits like so:

1. Enjoys storing things in pouches.
2. Likes to shoot guns.
3. Has an eyepatch or robot eye or something wrong with one eye.
4. Kills wantonly.
5. Comes from the future. Probably. Maybe the past!
6. Always talks tough. Especially when it seems like he's going to die!
7. Best killer ever.
8. I mentioned the guns right? Lots and lots of guns!
9. Cool hair.
10. Muscles and/or bangs chicks a lot.

See? Now I know what motivates Bloodageddon! And I can write issue after issue without ever forgetting what makes him who he is! Maybe you should try that, J. If you do, you owe me $50 for the lesson. This wasn't free advice!"

She's Quackers the Cosmic Duck! She'll fill your ears with yuck after yuck! She'll philosophize and harmonize and tantalize and eat your fries! Then she'll make you question humanity's ephemeral and insignificant place in the chaotic and ever changing univeeeeeeeerse! Quackers! *QUACK*

Quackers sends Pandora and The Phantom Stranger to a place called the Shadowlands. That's right next door to the place souls go when they lose a game of Yu-Gi-Oh. Waiting for Pandy and Phanty are Quackers, Landminotaur, She-Serpent, and The Dolphin King. I think J.M. DeMatteis was told to write a script for a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

A fight breaks out but since it takes place in the arena of Quackers' mind, Pandora and The Stranger never have a chance. But Quackers still needs The Question if she's to use their powers to turn Earth into Dark Earth. See, Quackers is the last of her kind and she's angry that humans get to have parties and eat cakes and dance and fuck and play and eat more cakes while she's had to sit in the dark alone for billions of years. She'd probably have friends as well but God put up a big sign that says, "Don't feed the ducks. Bread is not, and never has been, a part of their natural diet, you stupid humans."

Quackers easily tricks The Question into coming over to Dark Earth because he can't resist a good mystery. He likes to find out the answers so he can say, "The Question knows!" Unless it's the Shadow that knows! Maybe he just likes answering questions. Who knows?

The Sha...SHUT UP!

The Question makes his saving throw against pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Quackers catches The Question as well and transports the Trinity of Sin to the Rock of Eternity where they first got railroaded in a sham trial put on by asshole wizards. Quackers uses the Trinity's three artifacts to open up a portal of sin and cover Earth in darkness. Essentially it's the same thing that was happening in Forever Evil: Blight only this time Blight is a Cosmic Duck with hooters.

Trinity of Sin #2 Rating: Who am I? And who am I? But even if you can answer those questions, you still have to wonder: who am I? It's times like these that I wish I knew who I was! Or that there were more questions than just that one so that I could get some fucking answers!

Trinity of Sin #1

Yay! Time for some bad characterizations and pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

As you can tell by the caption above, I'm not exactly hyped about this Trinity of Sin comic book. J.M. DeMatteis had far more misses than hits during his Phantom Stranger run and I don't even remember who was writing Pandora. Was it DeMatteis too? Or Ray Fawkes? Whatever. Unless this comic book comes at these characters from a new angle, I can't be bothered to care about how the Powers That Be are punishing and torturing them for no reason. And none of them are just flipping off God or the Council of Wizards or Whatever Capitalized Name the Manipulator Goes By and just walking the fuck away from it all. Judas did nothing that wasn't expected of him. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Pandora did nothing with any malice or ill will. Punishing curiosity is a dick move, Council of Wizards. And The Question...um, well, I don't know about him. He might be a complete asshole. Right now he's a cypher. Which might be a synonym for asshole.

I do have to give Pandora credit for having the best outfit out of everyone in The New 52. Hell, all three of these Sinners are pretty swank! Although I don't like that The Phantom Stranger is encouraging people to wear capes and fedoras. That might be a decent reason to punish him for eternity.

The issue begins with some light sensitive bacteria Narration Boxing about how he lived through a beautiful age of darkness (some call this "night") only to suddenly have his kin wiped out by an eternity of light (some call this "day"). But eventually, after all but he were wiped out (he must be the 0.01% of bacteria that antibacterial soap can't kill), another unending age of darkness was upon him (again, "night")! But this time, the darkness called out to him! Called his name! "Nimraa," it whispered in that sexy, husky voice darkness always uses, "My servant. It's time." And that was when Nimraa climbed up into somebody careless enough to use a public toilet seat without wiping it down or putting down a toilet cover's anal fissure to destroy the world!

Get out your heavy ponchos! Here comes the pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

From now on whenever I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to ask the server, "Who am I?" I guess they'll realize I'm inquiring about the specials by tone and inflection?

The Question has no idea who he is even though he's been asking "Who am I?" for about two thousand years now. Nobody seems to know the answer. Or they keep answering some other question they think he's actually asking.

I suppose this means The Trinity of Sin is going to run fifty-two issues before revealing the identity of The Question? Or will The Question be The New 52's version of the Preboot Phantom Stranger where he had lots of possible origins but they never really nailed down who he was?

Also, there's no way this series will make it to issue #52!

This issue is called "The Wages of Sin, Part One: Nightfall." I would have called it "Sinchronicity!" (with the exclamation point so the reader knows, right off the bat, that it's going to be exciting). Or maybe I'd call it "Sinesthesia." Oh! I know! "Punishment Not Intended!" That's a pun on "pun not intended" and speaks to the punishments given to people that don't deserve them!

Anyway, The Question just found out that his landlady is actually a landfourarmedbullcreature. And rent is due!

A thousand questions that all happen to be the same question: Who am I?!

I guess this kind of thing kept happening to The Phantom Stranger and Pandora, issue after issue, so it's about time The Question had to deal with other worldly entities masquerading as human beings. I just have one question. Who am I?

Meanwhile The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen are battling a gigantic green poltergeist in Golden Gate Park. Fucking poltergeists ruin the park for everybody. No wait. I'm thinking of teenagers.

Oh! The Phantom Stranger meant teenager as well!

The Stranger sends this kid to heaven where, according to "You Never Give Me Your Money," all children should go. Then Terrence is stabbed through the chest by a flaming sword wielded by a life-sized He-man action figure. It's a serpent headed woman. I know it's a woman because it has boobs even though a female serpent has no use for boobs. They'd just get in the way while slithering about.

While The Question battles the Landminotaur, and The Phantom Stranger battles Snakewoman, Pandora enjoys a day at the beach in Southern India, thanks to a suggestion from her baby lover, Marcus. He's a baby and her lover, not a lover of babies. Unless he's a bit older than that. However old he currently is, it's too young for Pandora! Anyway, I guess she'll be fighting some kind of dolphin king soon. Or a Monkeyphant!

Darn. I was really hoping for the Monkeyphant.

The Trinity are nearly defeated but Pandora does some kind of hocus pocus and all three of them rise up to defeat the monsters attacking them. And then they all appear in Southern India thinking about maybe teaming up for awhile. Three characters in a book triples the amount of fans willing to torrent this book! I mean, buy this book! Just think of all The Question fans that can't wait to...oh wait. I think most of those are Renee Montoya fans. Oh well, The Phantom Stranger and Pandora can probably account for eight thousand books per month. Hopefully The Question can be mysterious enough to cover the rest and keep them out of cancellation territory for longer than eight issues.

I doubt it though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus died for our sins! He died to prevent suffering! He died because The Stranger betrayed him! Ipso facto addendum: The Phantom Stranger has prevented human suffering! And, well, Pandora gave the world hope. Which, admittedly, The Question hates. And which, admittedly again, probably causes quite a bit of suffering when it dies. So fine. Fuck Pandora.

The Question runs off to pout while The Stranger decides to investigate so that he can rescue Terrance Thirteen's soul. Pandora decides to get into The Phantom Stranger's backseat and jabber incessantly like a raving asshole.

The Damnated Duo follow the mystic clues up into space where they encounter the source of all of their troubles: Quackers the Cosmic Devil Duck.

If I were a cynical person, I'd think this entire comic book had been created to sell action figures.

Trinity of Sin #1 Rating: I guess I'm kind of interested in The Question's background but not enough to continue buying a comic book that will no doubt string the reader along for many, many issues instead of revealing anything about him. And I was interested in The Phantom Stranger but his previous series killed most of my curiosity towards him. But Pandora is cute and dresses nicely and shoots big guns, so I guess I'm still kind of interested in her. But this series doesn't have a lot to offer with its premier issue, so I'm going to rank it down in the forties for now. I do have one question and it isn't any form of "Who am I?" It's how do you pronounce Yvel Guichet's name? Evil Goose shit?

Stormwatch #29

I'm already bored.

For whatever reason, DC, the Wildstorm Universe failed to merge very well with your mainstream Universe. I say "whatever reason" because I'm being kind. I know the reason it failed. It failed because the Wildstorm comics were written horribly. Grifter was awful bullshit that probably took three years off of my life because I dared look deeply into its plot and found it lacking. Voodoo was confusing and annoying. Stormwatch has been the only comic that has been decent at times. But this last ditch effort to make it more like the original Wildstorm version failed miserably. Unless it didn't. But if it didn't then my initial drunken assessment of Wildstorm fans was on the money and I was too quick to apologize for calling them drunken fratboys. Are people enjoying this version more than the other version? It sucks in so many more and varied ways! But the main issue with all of the Wildstorm titles is that they were never consistent. The characters and their motivations, even their origins and backstories, kept changing as each writer came along to try to shake things up and find a wider audience. Part of that was the fault of DC for launching The New 52 too quickly. Not every idea for every New 52 title was well-formed. A number of titles (and not just the Wildstorm ones) had soft reboots in the middle of the series that expected the reader to just forget everything about the title character(s) up until that point. I'm not sure how that's supposed to help sell more books. I guess the company philosophy is that you make more money by fucking the people that have stuck with a book by changing everything about it to lure in the new readers?

Stormwatch has simply had too many writers writing their own versions of the group. At least Jim Starlin didn't take the old characters and just suddenly make them different. He decided to make literal new versions of the old characters by changing the timeline. That "at least" doesn't mean I approve. It just means it doesn't quite enrage the "actually" part of my brain as much as when Liefeld took over Deathstroke immediately after an issue in which we learn Slade's ultimate motivation is to prove to his father that he's better than him and began with Slade mentioning how his motivation for everything he did was his wife Adelaide or Adeline or Gatorade or whatever.

Don't think I'm a Wildstorm hater just to hate Wildstorm! I'm just pointing out how the Wildstorm to DC Launches all went wrong in much the same way! DC fucked up a lot of their regular characters the same way. Hawkman? Green Arrow (who somehow survived it all!)? Captain Atom? Blue Beetle? The Question? Oh wait. DC is still having problems with the Charlton character merge as well!

Hellstrike battles naked wearing only a vest?

These jerks are confused because they were previously doing nothing just like they're doing now but in an alternate location. While they sat about staring at Hellstrike's uncovered dong, Jenny Soul was off saving the universe by doing everything Excremax the Ohmergerd told her to do as the plot unfolded unnaturally. Hopefully this plot continues on in the same fashion so I can rush right through it. Why didn't this comic book end a few issues ago without any resolution? Jim Starlin should have just let the Crayola Timelords win, obliterating all traces of this version of Stormwatch who are going to cease to exist by the end of this series anyway. Unless Excremax uses his newly acquired unlimited powers to banish Stormwatch from his timeline so he can do whatever he wants with his new Cosmic Suppository! Then maybe they'll return to New Earth's Universe.

Usage Requirements: must be taken anally.

Excremax the Ohmergerd lies to Jenny Soul and tells her that he cannot use the Cosmic Suppository because he's not a "natural telepath." In truth, he just doesn't want to ram this thing up his anus. But he's willing to help Jenny Soul fit this thing inside of her! Even though it's three times as big as she is. Don't worry, Jenny. The anal sphincter is a marvel of elasticity!

Jenny thinks about shoving the Cosmic Suppository up her butthole and becoming the most powerful person in the Universe, able to change reality with a single, uncomfortable thought. She licks her finger and tries to stick it in her ass and finds even her tiniest finger uncomfortable. So she gives up, tears the Cosmic Suppository into three pieces, and banishes them to separate parts of the universe. Excremax watches his dream destroyed, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Life. Sometimes you get to ride the dildo, and sometimes the dildo rides you. What can you do?"

Meanwhile at Stormwatch Headquarters' gay bar, The Coming Storm:

Every issue, Apollo and Midnighter discuss leaving and decide they'll hang in a while longer.

Hellstrike and X the Shaman flirt for a bit as they discuss X's dead family and Hellstrike's homophobia. But in the end, they're just too different and they don't go home with each other. Hellstrike decides to see if anybody else is interested in his shirtless vest look while X goes home to do tons of drugs.

Elsewhere on the ship, A-I disengages from The Engineer with a loud, squelchy slurp and a soft exhalation of contented bliss. After the intimate bonding between the two of them, they decide to just be friends. A-I leaves before the entire comic book collapses in on itself.

That leaves Storm Control to figure out what to do next by speaking with Planetary. I mean the Shadow Lords! It turns out Storm Control is a clone of Martian Manhunter. Except without the super powers or the martian part. So, um, wait. What? He's a non-super powered human that was developed with Martian DNA? That makes as much sense as anything else Jim Starlin has written! I think he peaked with Warworld! Storm Control decides to keep existing rather than to not exist at all. That seems like a sensible choice.

And then, I guess, it's all over. Lobo didn't even get an appearance!

Stormwatch #29 Rating: -3 Ranking. The ending of this entire comic was as lackluster and inane as the non-ending part of this series which, I suppose, was the rest of it. I don't hate to see this version of Stormwatch end. Good riddance. Unless there is one more issue. Previous news was this was cancelled at Issue #30. But this creative team is definitely wrapping their shit up. So I may or may not have one more issue to read.

Stormwatch #27

I hear Crayola Timelords burn for thirty minutes.

This book is just all over the fucking place. Last issue was a thinly veiled morality play warning the readers about the dangers of Fundamentalist thought. It was kind of a time out issue where Stormwatch learned the motivations of The Crayola Timelords as Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? stood by and waited for Stormwatch to return to Earth. Each group had one piece of some cosmic thingamajig or something. Fuck. Who cares, right? This comic book went off the rails a long fucking time ago and it's just barreling across the landscape running over children and stray cats on its way to plummeting over a cliff into Cancellation Canyon.

One of the many civilians on board Skywatch that do contract work like cooking fish sticks and tater tots every Wednesday or unclogging the toilet after Midnighter gets through with it (look, he knows everything's secret weakness! He probably destroys every toilet bowl he sits on through sheer instinct) has been stealing Stormwatch secrets and passing them on to Martian Manhunter. J'onn is probably curious about Stormwatch because he keeps having a recurring dream that he once worked for them but nobody remembers him working for them because he erased all of their memories but then he lost his memory of working for them as well because none of that ever happened in this Magenta Timeline. Unless we're in the Black Timeline now. I told you I'm not paying close enough attention to this train wreck anymore. Anyway, that civilian's memories are erased and he's fired without pay and he probably also has to reimburse Stormwatch for any food he ate while on Skywatch. It was all right there in the fine print in the contract he signed, right next to the part where he wasn't supposed to steal any Fizzy Lifting Juice.

This issue is finally going to get to Stormwatch's plan to defeat the Crayola Timelords. They're going to meet up with Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? to offer to team up with them against the Crayola Timelords. I think the negotiations will involve a bunch of punching each other in the face until the Crayola Timelords arrive to fuck with time and everyone goes, "Oh hey! Let's punch those assholes in the face now!"

Looks like the meeting is off to a successful start!

Storm Control has decided to send a small group to deal with the negotiations consisting of Jenny Soul, A-I (still in The Engineer's body), Apollo, and Hellstrike. I know Hellstrike is only along as a bodyguard but do you think it's really a good idea to send a racist, homophobic asshole into a diplomatic situation? What if Excremax the Ohmergerd declares that each of the members of the diplomatic party have to cup his testicles to swear allegiance and Hellstrike declares, "I don't make deals with Nancy boys!" I guess then Apollo would melt Hellstrike's face. So maybe that's why Apollo is there!

You know, I don't like this plan at all. Just send in Midnighter. He's the guy to get the job done. Why the fuck is he being left back on Skywatch? Storm Control has no idea what he's doing.

Maybe I should discuss the battle. First let me show you the "battle" between Apollo and Mordak the Who?

Knockout in three panels! I think.

What the fuck kind of a fight scene was that? Mordak grabs Apollo! Oh no! How will Apollo get free!? Um, who the fuck knows since all we get is a close up of Apollo's face and then Mordak is split right down the middle. By the look on his face, I'd guess Apollo simply clenched his butt cheeks really hard and Mordak was destroyed.

Meanwhile Storm Control finally removes his space suit to reveal his true identity.

Maybe it's not true in the strictest meaning of the word true. Unless he actually is Martian Manhunter and not just doing a really good cosplay of him. It's hard to know what the fuck is what since the Crayola Timelords fucked with the timeline!

Back aboard Excremax the Ohmergerd's ship (it might be called Warworld unless Jim Starlin has come up with a different name for the same fucking idea he keeps having), the negotiators continue their negotiations. Back on Earth, Storm Control disguised as Martian Manhunter attempts to enter A.R.G.U.S. so that he can destroy the information that the real Martian Manhunter apparently stole. This might wind up being a Tyler Durden situation. But before any more can be revealed on Earth, Hawkman interrupts and forces the story to bounce back to the negotiations. Damn it all! Can't you finish one scene at a time, Jim Starlin?!

Apparently Excremax the Ohmergerd notices that a Crayola Timelord has traveled to Earth's distant past to destroy the human race before they ever appear. But he apparently fails, time travel being what it is, since none of the humans in Stormwatch suddenly wink out of existence. Time travel also being what it is (I'm going to keep saying that until it makes sense), Excremax and Jenny Soul travel back in time to stop the Crayola Timelord which they must do. Time travel, you know, being what it is.

Not Mordak the Where?! Mordak the Who?!

Excremax and Jenny Soul wind up in the time of dinosaurs which would be one of those eras that ends in an "ic." Maybe. Nobody actually knows. I guess the Crayola Timelord figured the easiest way to kill humans was to catch them when they're tiny and furry little burrowing mammals. Unless mankind was actually brought down to Earth as slaves for the Anunnaki. Maybe that's why the Crayola Timelord appeared so far in the Earth's past! He's going to have to battle the Anunnaki and destroy all of their slaves before they become mankind.

Stormwatch #27 Rating: No change. Fuck this issue! Lobo didn't even make an appearance! And Midnighter was benched! And Hawkman had a guest appearance? I don't think they could have gotten a worse hero to guest star! And why was he so angry at J'onn J'onzz? Oh wait. Hawkman is always angry. Never mind. I suppose I owe some reader an apology. I don't remember the reader but this person once said that he or she just stopped buying a comic book (I think it might have been Swords of Sorcery) when they found it was cancelled. I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially if you like a comic book. Who cares if you know the story is going to stop sometime in the future? Well, now I think I know how this reader felt. Stormwatch has been falling apart for so long that now that I know it's over soon, I'm barely giving it much thought. I know I'm not going to really need to remember what's going on for the last few issues! Hell, I haven't been following what's actually going on for the previous few issues! Maybe I should just stop reading it! No, no. They can't leave Lobo out of the story entirely for two issues running. Besides, he has to extinguish the Pilot Light of the Magenta Timeline and set everything back to normal.

Stormwatch #26

Which Earth's?

I think this issue is going to give us the background on the Crayola Timelords. But I think a lot of things that aren't true. And this comic book has just sort of been throwing plot points at the wall to see if any of them are done. Most of them have not been done and wind up sliding down behind the stove to be forgotten. So I'm not even going to try to remember what the fuck has been happening. The main thing to remember is that Lobo has been trying to put out the universe's pilot light while the Crayola Timelords watch and shrug their Red-Orange shoulders. Or Orange-red. I forget which one of those was my favorite Crayola Crayon!

I wonder how much acid Jim Starlin dropped while writing this issue?

I miss doing acid and mushrooms. I bet they would make writing this blog interminable! You'd probably get commentaries that go on for hundreds of paragraphs as they continuously spiral around the same set of words that I've suddenly become fascinated by typing. The last time I did mushrooms was about ten or eleven years ago by myself and they weren't very potent. I watched Run Lola Run and played some Wizardry 8. I had not mind-blowing experiences. I did not see Gumby and nearly die from laughter, nor did I meet Data from Star Trek's look-a-like. The Data experience was one of the saddest moments in my entire life when I realized the truly horrible weight that existence puts on even the most perky and upbeat of us.

My friend Mike and I used to drop acid or eat mushrooms and spend the day at Great America Amusement Park in Santa Clara, California. One time in line for that stupid Viking ship that swings back and forth while everyone sits staring at each other with stupid grins on their faces expecting a fuck-load more excitement than is actually delivered, we saw a guy a few lines over that was nearly the spitting image of Data. Not Brent Spiner. Data. He had the sallow skin with the odd, painted or greasy texture that I always imagine Data's skin must have. Our friend Brad decided to go up to him and ask for a picture. We couldn't hear him as he talked to the Data look-a-like but you could see the moment of recognition in Data's eyes as Brad got the message across. His shoulders began to sag, his expression changed to despair and resignation, and a dead pall dropped down across his eyes. All of the happiness and exuberance that had been on display before Brad interrupted him drained away into the aether. He looked up for the camera without a smile and...and this is the part that crushed my entire outlook on the future and any optimism I had left that the universe was not a harsh, unrelenting destroyer of hope...he slowly, as if his arms were weighted with the decaying dreams of all parents who have lost their babies to randomness and disease, raised up one hand to display the Vulcan Salute. I have no idea what may have happened to that photograph that Brad took. I, for one, have never seen it nor been inclined to seek it out. I can only imagine that it holds a Ring-like Curse for whoever views it, causing their death to unfold in exactly seven days after looking at the image.

Man, acid was the best!

So Stormwatch has traveled far out in space so that they can learn the truth of the Crayola Timelords. I suppose A-I had to get them really, really far away from every other living thing so that nobody could overhear the truest truths of who they are. The Shadow Lords agree that this is the best course of action because nobody actually cares what happens to this Earth. It's probably Earth Wildstorm and DC is finally just throwing in the towel on the Wildstorm characters. I hope Grifter makes a return written by Charles Soule so that my head can explode as I suddenly find myself loving the character!

I still have to wonder if Milligan was going to make the Shadow Lords turn out to be Planetary. Now we'll never know! Unless somebody asks him!

I just asked him! Although it was via a submit box on his website that didn't take any of my information. So I don't know who he's going to answer me! But I can't worry about that. What do I know about technology? Maybe Peter Milligan will respond directly into my mindscape! I hope he doesn't do that because then I won't have any idea if I imagined it or it was a real response. Oh well, if I randomly believe that he answered me later, I'll let you guys know what he said!

Meanwhile, Apollo has a nice dream about how he met Midnighter. Or bad dream. Nice nightmare? Anyway, he wakes up with a start and provides one of the most scandalous pictures I've ever seen in a DC comic book.

Seriously? Lavender bedding? Midnighter and Apollo, I am fucking shocked and appalled.

Midnighter and Apollo have a touching moment of shared insecurities before they're called on to be productive members of Stormwatch as opposed to the lazy layabouts they usually are. What is this? Their honeymoon vacation in the Magenta Timeline? I wonder what's going to become of these guys once this book is cancelled. Will this whole Crayola Timelords Universe just cease to exist? What other comic book would be most likely to feature these guys? Because, really, I can give or take Stormwatch since DC seems to want to concentrate on throwing the gigantic cosmic crises at Justice League. But I'll miss these guys if they don't find another place to crash.

I'll probably miss Jenny Quantum too but I'm already missing her because we've got this imposter Jenny Soul to deal with right now! You know who else I miss? Jack Hawksmoor!

A-I informs Stormwatch that the Crayola Timelords are just a bunch of Luddites trying to mold at least one other race in the universe into beings like them. I suppose playing Bridge against other people that are part of your "Kollective" kind of takes out the surprise of your opponent's plays. So they need another race of aliens that will be able to manipulate time and space as well. Which just seems dangerous to me. You don't want anybody but yourself being able to change time or you're going to be pretty well fucked. Just look at the movie Primer!

Meanwhile, The Frog Navigator tries to give Lobo an attitude adjustment so he'll stop being so violent and erratic! See how he throws glasses? Look at him use the harsh words, "Fat chance!" I'm starting to suspect this isn't the guy that has committed genocide against several alien races. Perhaps Twat Lobo is the real Lobo!

"You'll feel much happier once you accept that you're a prisoner and not a slave. World of difference, 'Bo Bro!"

As Midnighter and Apollo explore another planet, A-I begins to speak of the Crayola Timelords as if they're religious fundamentalists. A-I points out how all of their beliefs are ignorant and harmful unlike A-I's beliefs which are the best because they're backed by computers and scientific theory! How ridiculous! How can science save your soul?! How can theory based on evidence be better than belief and faith?! Seriously, do you want to live forever or understand the workings of the universe? Your pick!

What? Fundamentalists are destroying the human race with their ignorance?! Ludicrous! How can a bunch of people that believe in an everlasting life in a faraway place and that the end times are nigh be a threat to our existence?!

Back in Earth Orbit, Mordak and Excremax the Ohmergerd decide to wait and see what Stormwatch does next. That's not a bad plan because if they wait long enough (four issues to be exact!), the problem will take care of itself!

Over in the Crayola Timelords' dimension, they have come to a decision. It's the decision they always eventually come to. They can never actually tackle their problems head on, so this is what they always do: go back in time and change the past. Can't deal with Jenny Soul being able to kill them? Go back in time and destroy the Earth before Jenny Soul is ever born. Problem solved!

Stormwatch #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know that the story in this issue actually jives with the stories in previous issues but I'm not willing to spend any more time thinking about the cohesiveness of this comic book's plotlines. This issue, standing alone, away from its peers, way out in the Magenta Timeline, tells a decent enough story and presents a nice conflict for Stormwatch to try and resolve. Sure, some of the players in the story had to just stand around waiting for next issue when something will actually happen. But that's because Jim Starlin might have created too many issues that he wasn't totally sure what to do with previously. But I think it's all coming together nicely for a big end of the Magenta Earth Extravaganza! Although Lobo was, once again, disappointing.

Stormwatch #25

Who the fuck is Mordak? What happened to Excremax the Ohmergerd and The Crayola Timelords?!

Last issue, Stormwatch was being coerced into helping some creature called A-I. The creature wanted them to make friends with Excremax the Ohmergerd so that they could combine forces while putting Jenny Soul at great risk to defeat the Crayola Timelords. Although the Crayola Timelords could just keep changing the timeline until they weren't defeated. Right?

I guess Jim Starlin knew that everybody would be asking the same question I asked after seeing this cover, "Who the fuck is Mordak?", because this issue begins with this panel:

So can we forget about Excremax making an appearance? Are we just dealing with Mordak now? Not that I mind! All these weird aliens are all the same to me! Call them whatever you want! I'll just type "the antagonist" anyway!

A-I tells Stormwatch the plan and, I admit it, I'm too stupid and/or uninterested to really comprehend it. The gist of it is that they must fight Mordak on Earth and take the final piece of the artifact from his dead hands. And once they've killed Excremax's right hand man and stolen what was rightfully Excremax's artifact, they'll be able to befriend Excremax!

You know what? After stating the plan, I hope I really don't understand it because it's stupid.

Stormwatch actually just stakes out Mordak until he locates the object. Then it becomes a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World race to retrieve it. Actually, The Weird rushes off to nab it while the rest of Stormwatch remains behind to lay some Dick Dastardlyesque traps to slow Mordak down.

It's then that A-I sets off a bomb that cuts communication between Mordak and Warworld that I finally understand the plan. I guess I didn't realize that the new Shaman was called "X" and that he was creating portals for teleportation as opposed to the old Door system that Stormwatch was using. X teleported onto the ship and dropped a bomb near the arrays that keep Warworld in contact with Mordak. Now they've disabled that contact and are free to beat the shit out of Mordak while retaining plausible deniability when they deal with Excremax.

Now that I've finally gotten past my idiocy and figured out the first few pages, it's time for a gigantic fist fight where Lobo winds up making his last stand.

Um. I hope that's not it.

After the rest of Stormwatch begins to fall, Lobo regenerates and sees his chance to ditch these losers. It's okay for him to flee this battle because he didn't sign any contracts or give his word or accept any money to deal with this shit. They just drafted his ass and threw him into the group. Hopefully he'll get away so he can destroy Twat Lobo in his very own New 52 comic book written by Alan Grant and drawn by Simon Bisley. Oh wait! I already have issues of that comic book lying around here. I think I'll go read that and pretend they're part of The New 52.

The Midnighter hasn't shown his face yet, so I'm guessing he's watching the battle and learning all of Mordak's weaknesses. Once Apollo falls, Midnighter will rush in and poke out Mordak's eyes while kicking him in the balls and shoving a Redwood up his ass. His own ass, not Mordak's. For motivation!

Meanwhile, The Weird successfully completes his task. I don't know what Jenny Soul is up to.

Oh wait. Jenny Soul arrives to spearhead the exit protocol. Judging by the way she takes out Mordak with one Soulblast, I think she should have simply been Plan A. Also, she should just be teleported in front of Excremax the Ohmergerd to take him out too. She already killed a few Crayola Timelords which nobody has ever done ever! The rest of the crew should just hang out baking cookies while she does all the work.

Really? Midnighter was just working cleanup? What a waste of talent.

That bit with A-I mentioning the political connotations of the phrase "Mission Accomplished" doesn't fit in this story at all. It's just Jim Starlin shoving his own self into the story to make some kind of comment that he wants to make. Why would A-I even consider that? It might not even mean anything in this color timeline (Ebony? Magenta?)! And besides, "Mission Accomplished" only has negative connotations when you proclaim it with grand celebration while the mission continues on for another decade. If you actually have accomplished the mission, go ahead and fucking say it.

Meanwhile there is a short scene with a bunch of human maintenance people fucking around on board Skywatch while earning double pay. I don't know where they're ever going to spend it. Perhaps there's a place like Macross City in the middle of Skywatch. One of the Maintenance People is acting shifty and accessing panels he shouldn't be accessing. I bet he's a spy!

Before the issue ends with A-I telling Stormwatch that it's finally going to be really fucking honest with them about The Crayola Timelords, Stormwatch rushes out to collect Lobo.

Is "triple crapola" Lobo's new catchphrase?

Stormwatch #25 Rating: No change. I feel like this book should be more exciting than it is. The threats don't loom large. The battles don't scale well especially against Mordak and his men this issue. Stormwatch members just fall for nearly no explanation except that Mordak is really fucking powerful! He must be since Apollo is the most powerful foe he's fought and he still beat him easy. This title is simply missing any kind of lure. I really want to like it! I really want Lobo to be fun and cool and a big jerko. But it's just been disappointing lately.

My favorite moment? A-I telling Storm Control that they have to lie low so they can't save the natives on the island that Mordak has landed on and Storm Control merely shrugging his shoulders and saying, "You're running the show, A-I!" Although it makes me think A-I doesn't really understand Stormwatch if it actually thinks Stormwatch fucking cares about collateral damage.

Stormwatch #24

More like "Rise of Excremax," amirite?

I bet Jim Starlin thought up Extremax back in the nineties but then couldn't figure out how to write him into whatever the fuck Jim Starlin was writing in the nineties. And then the wave of really stupid fucking names that had to show how bloody and deathy and extreme all the characters were ended. Jim Starlin spent the next fifteen years punching himself in the balls and crying out, "Why God? Why?! When will I ever be able to introduce Extremax to the comic book adoring public?!" Finally one day when he was punching himself in the genitalia a few extra times for good measure, he got the call from DC Comics. "How would you like to be the new writer on Stormwatch?!" And just like that, Jim Starlin flipped off God for never coming through and leaving Jim Starlin to work out how to receive a call from DC to write a comic book with ties to the era in which a character as extreme as Extremax could be introduced! And now, comic book lovers everywhere, rejoice in the appearance of...I don't know, some time-manipulating Galactus character thing.

Last issue, The Engineer was possessed by some creature named A-I to bring Stormwatch the good word. So once again, The Engineer becomes possessed. You'd think she'd have some kind of super nano-firewall to stop this kind of shit from happening. Even though A-I said her message was one that would help save the Earth, Midnighter does the right thing and tries to kill her. That's when she knocks him out so he can become unconscious and remember how he met Apollo aboard the Daemonite (or Owl) spaceship where they were both experimented on and given their powers.

EXTREMAX THE OMEGA! Even better!

It turns out that Angie is okay and she doesn't mind being used as a mouthpiece for A-I. Excremax the Ohmergerd is a super powerful omnipotent deity with technology greater than that of the Shadowlords. What an omnipotent deity needs with technology is beyond me but what do I know? I'm still trying to figure out what color timeline we're all really living in. I think we're in the Chartreuse Timeline. A-I decides to tell the Origin Story of Excremax the Ohmergerd because he wasn't always the "astral dynamo he is today." I suppose I shouldn't have taken her "omnipotent deity" so strictly since she was just using them as comparatives to Stormwatch's power. I should probably not have skipped every class discussion on metaphor or simile during my educational career. But who could resist saying "It's like I'm there!" while drinking in the morning on some beach instead of sitting in a class learning what the fuck similes and metaphors are used for. I think I do just fine taking every word everybody utters literally.

A-I tells of a self-made man that pulled himself up by his bootstraps through his own intelligence, hard work, and talents. But now that I know not to take every word people say literally, I think this is an analogy if not an outright lie! She might as well be quoting a bullshit Horatio Alger novel. At one point, a child that began doing the most dangerous work in the company somehow comes to own that company. Yes, that's usually what happens. If you work your way up the corporate ladder, you eventually simply become owner of the corporation! Anything can happen if you just keep working hard and never give up! What pluck and determination! What stick-to-itiveness! What self-motivation! Excremax the Ohmergerd truly is an example for all Americans! And since Americans are the great example of everybody else on Earth, Excremax is an example to us all. Every one of us! You can pull yourself up by your own bootstraps without anybody else's help! Everybody in a position of power, everybody with any wealth, everybody living a life of even minor luxuries: they all did it themselves!

Hey, nobody said you had to do it while being a morally chaste stick in the mud! Lesson #1 on being successful: "You've got to break the rules to make the rules!" It also helps if Crayola Timelords fuck with the time stream to bring about the timeline in which you strike it rich.

Excremax the Ohmergerd has been growing in power for fifty thousand years. He has replaced his body countless times. And he flies about the universe on the greatest battle cruiser ever developed! Warworld!

Oops. I mean, Alcazar Astral! I was thinking of Jim Starlin's DC Comics Presents story about the universe's most powerful ship which also goes about robbing planets of their resources to fuel its journey. You know, the one he repurposed for Mongul #1 and isn't anything like the Alcazar Astral. Sorry about the confusion!

A-I estimates that sixty billion people have died due to Excremax's lifestyle. Across 50,000 years? That's not so bad! That's a mere 1.2 million people per year! That's practically nothing! I say, "Leave him be!"

After a minor break where Apollo punches Lobo through the wall because all of this explication wasn't resulting in any kind of comic book violence whatsoever, A-I mentions that Excremax the Ohmergerd was doing quite well until three hundred years ago when he met The Crayola Timelords.

So the Crayola Timelords are Luddites that can change time? Why don't they just change time to eliminate this guy if he's such a thorn in their fiery heads?

Perhaps we'll soon find out that the Crayola Timelords changed time to bring about the perfect version of Stormwatch to defeat Excremax! I wonder if Twat Lobo will arrive on the scene or if he's in the normal colored timeline where the other New 52 books are located.

A-I continues her blah blah blah because Jim Starlin has apparently figured out his next story but he needed a full issue worth of set-up to tie everything together. What it essentially comes down to is everybody is after the final piece of a powerful and ancient artifact which is located on Earth. Excremax has a piece. The Kollective have a piece. And now A-I wants a piece so that she has some leverage between the two asshole cosmic forces.

Meanwhile, Lobo doesn't seem to mind that he was thrown through a wall earlier. Why should he? He's just a raving lunatic asshole that likes nothing better than to throw punches, drink, swear, and kill. I guess sometimes he likes to lie low and listen to lectures as well.

This issue is almost over and Stormwatch has not quite fallen yet. Actually, they've done nothing but listen to the story of Excrmax the Ohmergerd. Although Excremax finally does appear in his ship, Alcazar Astral which is bigger than Earth's moon. But nobody on Earth notices and the physical laws of gravity are being defied because Excremax is traveling in STEALTH MODE!

After telling her long story, A-I tells Stormwatch that Excremax isn't the problem. The Crayola Timelords are. They're going to destroy Earth to get the artifact and Stormwatch's only hope is joining with Excremax. But those negotiations will have to happen next issue because A-I talked the fuck out of this one. And not in an entertaining way! More like a second grade teacher boringly telling his students lies about the pilgrims first meeting with the Native Americans. Although this issue did result in the best drawing of Aquaman ever!

You know what? It's not quite as derpy when seen this large. Whatever.

Stormwatch #24 Rating: -2 Ranking. This issue was simply boring. It felt like Jim Starlin changed direction on his Crayola Timelord's motivations and then decided he wanted to add Warworld to The Ebony Timeline. Well, mission accomplished! But it wasn't executed very successfully.