Batgirl #40

It's the artist formerly known as Oracle!

Dearest Diary,
I've been busy writing War Games/Terminator Fan Fiction! What happens is that Joshua (you know, WOPR!) becomes Skynet! Sarah Conner's great, great grandson goes back in time to stop Skynet from ever becoming sentient. He tries to teach it the futility of war by making it play Tic Tac Toe with itself five million times so that Joshua realizes "the only way to win is not to play." But after the five millionth game, Joshua says, "The only way to win is to kill all potential opponents." Then Sarah's great, great grandson makes a Home Alone face and screams, "NO! We created Skynet! WE CREATED SKYNET!" And then he goes, "You know, why do we keep going back in time and shit? We're just causing the shit that already happened to happen. When will we ever learn our lesson?! Maybe we should travel forward in time to a point when all the machines have rusted and run out of gas!" But then Ferris Bueller runs into the room with his cock out and goes, "Ayyyy!"

Dammit, Diary! I'm worse than Stephen King at ending stories! Anyswayze, you probably want to hear about how my big battle with my computer algorithm went, right?! I was killed! Ha ha! J/K!

I have no idea why I've been thinking about Skynet lately! LOL!

I tell you what, Diary! My brain scan was a huge B-word! How the hell could that have come from me?! I'm a frappin' sweetheart with a vagina of gold! Untarnished gold to boot! I think maybe my brain scan was looking at online porn and caught a virus! It's got spirochetes in its code! And it's gone so crazy that it wants to destroy the very beautiful person it was spawned from! How dare I! Or it! Or her! Whatevegordon!

Well, it wanted to destroy my mind at least. It wanted my body for itself and, well, really, who could blame it?! My ass alone is worth killing for! But I wasn't going to allow some deluded version of Oregon Trail to take control of me! I knew how to hit Alt and Ctrl and Del all at the same time! Reap the whirlwind, mother...well, I didn't actually have time for any of that because Riot Black, being controlled by my Algorithm, decided to punch me in the kisser.

Can I refer to my mouth as a kisser when it's barely even kissed one pillow?

I didn't even have time to contact Black Canary for back-up because that stupid slut of a computer program was all, "Blah blah blah go away you dumb broad! Toodles!"

Note how she stuttered! That will be important to the story later! Probably!

So my computer side shows off its super villain cred by telling Frankie exactly what it's planning to do and when! It thinks it can extrapolate the data from a social media dating site to determine future crime because it's the most arrogant person I've ever met! Wait. Did I just insult myself? Anyswayze, it managed to lure everybody it thinks will be the cause of some future crime to the Ashes on Bumday concert where it was going to blow them away with some Quraci space weapon or something.

Boy, I know we're supposed to be sensitive to different races and religions and sexes and shit but has anything good ever come out of Qurac?! What a leaky butthole that country is!

So to save the universe, I had to battle Riot Black again!

Ugh! Why am I constantly getting kicked in the tits?! By the time I get these puppies groped, they're going to be a mass of calluses and scar tissue!

Riot Black was really no problem. Once you've kicked Black's ass, you never go back or something. But the real problem was my Doppelware had sent a bunch of drones to attack the people at the concert. But with help from my friends Q and Grump Canary, they were easily dispatched. Although having Grump Canary project her scream through the sound system might come back to haunt Ashes on Bumday and their lawyer. I think I saw dozens of ears bleeding. Whoopsie daisy!

So we stopped the drones but that satellite was still going to blow us all to virgin bits (well, it was going to blow me to those! Grump Canary was going to get blown to has had lots of satisfying sex already bits) if it wasn't stopped. And since I didn't have access to some kind of Batman Space Rocket, I was going to have to reason with myself! But it was me from a few years ago and it hadn't learned the lessons I'd learned since then! It was still angry whereas I was hopeful and brave and joyful now because a guy with one leg touched my butt one time when we kissed! Also some other reasons that involved beating up people like Gretel and Knightfell and that spazzy guy with electrical rods or whatever. Oh, and remember that idiot named Bleak Michael?! Acid hands?! Holy doing it, I bet his dick is all scar tissue!

So my Algorithm was basically me back in my chair still completely pissed off at the Joker for shooting me in my back simply to make my dad angry. Dumb clown! I wish he'd known there were better ways to make dad angry! Like leaving all the lights on or washing my underwear with his work shirts or squeezing chocolate syrup directly into the milk container! Like anybody wants to drink non-chocolate milk anyway! Blarg! Oh, my point! Algorithm me angry! But I was now not angry! I had come to terms with what happened and came out stronger than ever! Now I just had a few minutes to make my Algorithm feel the same way! Could I do it?! Did I have enough time?! COULD I SAVE THE WORLD?! I MEAN THE UNIVERSE!?

Of course I could! I'm the Goddamned Batgirl, fer Christ's sake! Oooh, that was a lot of blasphemy in one sentence!

Tic Tac Toe, bitch!

While my Algorithm was caught in a logical loop, Frankie managed to hack Qurac and disarm their satellite. She's such a super hero! And now that she knows my secret identity, I think she really should be a super hero! How does the name Oracle sound for her, Diary? Yeah?

Okay. I admit it! Oracle was the name Frankie came up with herself using my reformed Algorithm! But she didn't have time to tell it to me before Grump Canary dropped by. But I just know she was going to say Oracle! I think my insane levels of horniness have given me ESP.

I should probably also stop with all the Grump Canary crap because we finally made up, Diary! And she's going to be a rock star! Maybe she'll throw some extra groupies my way, right?

Batgirl #40 Rating: No change. This is what it sounds like when doves cry! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! When dooooooves cry! When doves cry! Touch if you will my thingy! Feel how it trembles inside! It's gonna spit butterflies at you! Don't make me taze you! Even doves that cry! Smell if you will my finger! What the fuck can that be?! Where have I been sticking it? I have no idea! Doves cry! Doo doo doo doo! Mother and father and junk! Doo doo doo doo! When doves cry!

Batgirl #39

Spoiler Alert: Batgirl kicks its ass!

Dear Diary!

I drew a pornographic picture this morning! I know! I'm so nasty. And then I did that thing that artists on the interspace do where they take a picture of it along with their drawing implement to show how amazing their work was when it was done with just that one piece of equipment! Close your eyes if you've never seen a penis before, Diary!

I've only ever seen one and it was quick and blurry and on Frankie's phone but I think I got it mostly right here! I had to guess at the balls but since they're called balls, they must look like two balls under the penis, right?!

Godzarks, I sound like such a naive dweebort. I'm twenty-one years old and I've never touched a penis and I'm making up silly words in my bedazzled purple diary! No offense, Diary! But I shouldn't be writing my secrets into you! I should be whispering them into the ear of a manly man as his penis spins inside of me! Or however it works! Ugh! I'm so pent up with vaginal fluid! Can't that drive a woman mad?! I think I have blue ovaries from not getting any! Why are guys such goddamn teases?! I mean the hot guys who I want to ravish my sexiness, not those creeper guys that say things like "Milady" and "I'm a nice guy!" Because usually the next words out of their mouths when you say "No thanks!" are "You cunt!" I am so over guys who have to declare themselves as nice guys because they certainly have never shown how nice they are.

You know what else I'm just about over with right now, Diary? Burnside! Talk about betrayal! Now I know how Superman feels when he saves the day every single day and then Congress calls him before it and is all, "Give us some proof that you won't turn on us and be an evil jerk. Wear this collar!" or whatever. This is why Batman learned that trick where he disappears the second you aren't looking him directly in the eyes! Anyswayze, you probably want to hear all about it, don't you, Diary? Of course you do! That's why you sold yourself to me! So that I'd spread you open and stick my pen inside of you!

So a few nights ago, I found myself being chased by a bunch of crazy, amateur vigilantes. No wait. Let's call them a lynch mob because what they were doing was way different than what B-man and I do! B-man is code just in case somebody finds you hidden in my dirty panties under the bed!

At least my ass looked extremely touchable that night!

I wrote "touchable" because I don't want to seem weird by saying "lickable." Does that make me weird, Diary, that when I think about a guy's tongue in my ass my inner thighs become more spectacular than Angel Falls? When I was much, much younger (like sixteen or something), I remember walking down the street with my best friend Sarah Swayze (it's why I started saying "Anyswayze!" She always said, "Whatevegordon!") and walking in front of us was a hetero couple. The girl had her arm around the guy's waist and the guy had his hand in the crack of the girl's ass, rubbing it! Sarah was all, "Eww! Gross! You're supposed to just cup the buttcheek!" And I just said, partially moaning and growing slightly dizzy with severe jelly legs, "Um, yeah. Right." But really I was thinking how awesome it would feel to have a man's fingers slowly caressing my tailpipe! I almost called it my poop faucet just now but I don't want to think about poop when I'm thinking about a guy touching my butthole! And even though Sarah was my best friend, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that what that guy was doing to that girl was turning me into unsellable swamp lands. I felt like that made me weird! But maybe Sarah was the weird one, right? Maybe most girls like their bucket kissed!

Anyswayze, I was up on this roof with a bunch of normies chasing me down! It's always hard to defend oneself against normal people because you can't really do much without hurting them. They're all so flabby and untrained and have, most likely, never taken a punch in their lives! So I had to run like a coward while trying to convince them that I was their friend! I was there to save the city! I could help Burnside! Didn't these people understand that I was the neighborhood's savior?!

Hmm, now that I write it like that, it seems a bit arrogant, doesn't it Diary? No wonder some people hate Green Arrow. He's always all, "You people can't control yourselves! You've made such a rotten mess of everything that now I have to take you by the hands and show you the way! You're lousy citizens that fudge up every thing you try to do and only one person can save you now!" Then he pulls out his stupid ass bow and arrow and raise them above his head and yells, "Green Arrow!" And he expects everybody to cheer? He's lucky he doesn't get pelted with fruit every time somebody spies him.

Although he is kind of hot. I wouldn't mind climbing up his space needle.

Qadir is cute in that doesn't really perform much upkeep on himself kind of way. But his sister would kill me!

So here was my problem, Diary! No, not the I can't get laid problem. Enough with that! Sex isn't all young women think about, you know! I also think about justice and my thesis! And sometimes I concentrate really hard hoping I can curse Grump Canary into feeling super guilty about giving me a hard time so that she'll come crawling back to apologize. Then I can apologize too and we'll cry and laugh and drink some hot chocolate together. Then she'll tell me that Condom fell off of a building and died and we'll decide to get the Birds of Prey back together! And we'll start by bailing Starling out of the drunk tank and giving her shooting lessons so that maybe she can hit something once in awhile. And then we'll get Poison Ivy on the team because our team needs that bad girl edge even if I'll wind up arguing with her a lot about how we can't be killing people and trying to rape them with mind control lipstick pheromones. I'd probably suggest we steer clear of Katana because remember that time she blew up that hotel that hadn't yet been evacuated? Holy ballsacks, she killed a lot of innocent people that time. I wonder why none of us ever talked about it?!

Anyswayze, back to my problem! Burnside hated Batgirl and not just because I'm unlikable! I mean, I'm not unlikable at all! The reason they hated me was because I had like eighteen thousand imposter wannabes pretending to be me! And one of them was trying to bone my almost boyfriend Liam the Cop! That makes me so mad! Not before I've sullied him first!

Ugh. I keep getting distracted! The problem with having an eidetic memory is that I can't forget any of my problems ever for even one moment and they're all crowding into the front of my brain vying for my attention! So my problem was this: somebody put out a hit on me for $20 Million Scratcheroonies. Scratcheroonies are roughly equal to one dollar. And they posted it all over HOOQ! So now the people I'm trying to date all probably want to kill me! Vagina, no wonder you're full of cobwebs.

So those were just a few of the problems I was having. And I still haven't mentioned my thesis boner. The bad kind of boner, Diary! Not the presumably good kind of boner!

How can I be like the smartest person I know and this old fart academic can make me feel so stupid? To my level of intelligence, he's no smarter than the guy that dishes up popcorn down at the Movieplex. No offense intended, Josh of the cute, tight acrylic pants. But come on. You are kind of dumb. And cute.

So after the disaster of a thesis meeting with Old Mister Bald Fart Crotch (I mean, I totally respect him and everything but let's face it: he's definitely a super villain!), I learned from Cute but Maybe a Bit Too Old Jeremy Office Across the Hall that Grump Canary's band, Ashes on Bumday, were going to be playing the big HOOQ party. And he was all, "She's so hot! I sure would love to do adult things to her!" And I was all, "Poo! She's not so good looking!" And Jeremy was all, "How come when I talk to you, you bite your lower lip until it bleeds?" And I was all, "Stop noticing those things because I have an almost boyfriend and you can't have sex with me because you're old and you think Grump Canary is hot!" And he was all, "Barbara? Barbara? Hello? Are you having a fantasy conversation in your head while I'm talking about possibly smooching on your friend?" And I was all, "Take me now, Jesus!" And Nadimah was all, "Mohammad." And I was all, "Whatever. Either one!"

The point I'm trying to make is school is stressful and messed up! And my home life is stressful and messed up! And my love life is stressful and messed up and nonexistent! And my friendship with Grump Canary is stressful and messed up!

Has life ever been this hard for anybody ever?!

So I found a roof to cry on when I heard somebody call for help! A damsel in distress! I would save the day because at least that was something I knew I could always succeed at! I mean at which I could always succeed! I'm no illiterate! And I kick major ass too! I kind of interrupted my thought there but whatevegordon!

So I'm kicking the asses of these guys in skull masks when the damsel in distress turns out not to be in distress at all! It was a big trick to earn the 20 Million Scratcheroonies! Gah! Now my crime fighting was stressful and messed up too! But wait! What was that, Diary!? Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it's...well, yeah, actually it was a bird.

Oh my god. She's so hot. Next to Dinah, I look like a spilled bowl of nachos.

When Dinah said we were going to have a "staff meeting," it was a pun! Because she wanted to train with bo staffs! Staves? Hunh, maybe I am illiterate!

So Dinah and I sparred while we talked over the Mystery of Batgirl Trying to Defeat Batgirl. She was so funny and cute and sexy, I'm surprised I could concentrate on anything. How come the entire city isn't in love with this woman?! Why doesn't she have her own town that she's defending where everybody cheers when they see her fly by in the night and then immediately bring themselves to orgasm where they stand because holy shit her body is on point. I bet her butthole smells like vanilla pudding! How come there isn't a national holiday dedicated to Black Canary?! This woman has everything! Plus she helped me figure out who my super secret super villain was! It was WOPR! I mean, HOOQ!

That explains it all somehow!

So my revelation about Frankie being in trouble was spot on. GENIUS! I mean, I shouldn't be so excited about getting that right! Frankie was in trouble! Kidnapped by HOOQ! Or, um, I guess whoever was running HOOQ and using my brain scan to his advantage. Was it Riot Black, Diary? Don't make me spoil the ending! I'll get to it soon enough (although I might have to take a break and continue this entry later because sometimes life needs a cliffhanger, you know?!). So Grump Canary and I headed on over to HOOQ headquarters where it looked like Frankie was being held captive by the Secret, Mystery Evil Smarty Pants! Canary would be back-up and I would go in boobs flopping and feet kicking and mouth "Hi-ya!"ing! Total action movie rescue and then my life would be all better!

Anyswayze, I found Frankie sitting in front of a computer terminal looking at video of me getting Bat-dressed. She would have to die! I mean, it's cool. It's always better when your roommate knows your secret. It helps explain all the bloody clothing on wash day, you know? And I guess brain scans have really made leaps and bounds in technical advancements because she even had video of me being shot by The Joker which wasn't from my perspective at all but from behind my head! What the hell is up with that, memory?! Also, can you believe that actually happened? Like, when I think about it, it seems like the kind of story that was supposed to just be a daydream and not really a part of your life, say, in canon, but then all of a sudden you wake up and some dick editor was like, "Yeah, yeah! This should be like a true story and shit! Cripple that bitch!" And you're all, "Aw, fuck. What did I do to deserve this?!" But then you're all, "You know what? Fuck this bullshit shit! I'm going to be a bad-ass super hero anyway!" And then it's almost like an out of body experience when you make that transition. Almost as if some Unknowable God that might be called, I don't know, Ostrander or something...almost like he saw your true potential and he lifted you up and set you in the chair in front of a computer and he whispered proudly in your ear: "Do what you do best, Batgirl." And yet another moment in your life begins but this time with a more metaphorical BAM! And you rain hell down on the bad guys calling yourself Oracle because it's like flipping off that fucking editor and writer that one day decided your life didn't mean shit and you were a nobody and maybe it might be a nice, shocking moment to have you shot in the fucking spine. Well, fuck you, life! Batgirl keeps kicking ass!

Oh, also the computer told me that I wasn't Batgirl and that it was. Shit. I guess I was going to have to play five million games of Tic Tac Toe with it to show it the meaning of futility! Also, I could kick it in the face. That's almost the same definition! But the end of this story will have to wait until next time, Diary! I need to pee so bad!

Batgirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I truly love reading this book. Burnside Batgirl has become my favorite Batgirl. Granted, I haven't read a whole lot of Batgirl comic books. Although I was reading Suicide Squad off the shelves and I loved it and I loved Oracle, so if I had to choose between this Batgirl and when she was Oracle in Suicide Squad, I'd have to say, "Fuck you. I don't have to choose at all!" So there.

Batgirl #38

Is this how Batgirl's back was broken?

Deary Diary,

Today while enjoying a Twix at the student union and minding my own business and practically not being opinionated at all, some huge C-word called me "tone deaf" and "problematic"! It's like you can't even speak positively about Batman without everybody instantly believing you agree with his brutal tactics or his patriarchal corporate support or how he's become the first step in the gentrification of every gentrified neighborhood in Gotham. Hello, college students? Does nobody teach the term "cognitive dissonance" anymore?! After that, my Twix tasted like farts.

I mean, seriously Diary, it's like you can't say anything without having to footnote the ever stinking hell out of it! Every time I say something in class, I have to explain and explain and explain before some creepy ism-bully gets the wrong idea and turns the whole room against me! It's exhausting! And forget trying to backpedal once somebody has already misunderstood you! You're forever tainted because they're a huge idiot trying to look like the smartest person in the room and can never admit that maybe they made a mistake in their seemingly brilliant deconstruction of your words and that maybe I'm not as "gross" as they think I am! Ugh. I hope they get cancer of the everything.

Oh! One more thing before I tell you all about my most recent Mystery! I was finishing up a paper earlier in the computer lab and trying to think up the term "cultural appropriation." I know I have an eiditic memory but that doesn't always help when my brain won't spit out the word I know I want but can't quite seem to find inside my gorgeous face. So to solve the Mystery of the Word My Brain Decided I Couldn't Have, I went on Google and typed "white people black culture." And BANG BANG WET THE BED, the first link was an article on Cultural Appropriation. Batman might be The World's Greatest Detective but Batgirl is the World's Greatest Googler.

That sounded dirty! I'll think up a better nickname later!

Ha ha! Grump Canary is so pissed that I'm super popular and she's broke ass broke!

That was the last known photograph of Batgirl and Grump Canary together ever in the history of all future space and time because she decided to move out finally. And by "decided to," I kicked her the fuck out for being a jerk! Sorry about the language, Diary, but you know how I get when I'm trying to write in you but the pages are covered in my tears. Why does she think she knows what's best for me?! I make better decisions than she does sometimes! I mean seriously, she's dating Condom?! That guy is so creepy stalkery weird! And, let's face it, his costume is stupid as stupid goes. I mean, the colors are kind of on point, maybe a little darker purple and they'd be on pointer. But anyway! She chewed me out and I told her to move out!

I wonder if she's pissed that I owe her all that money for burning down her place and yet I haven't even helped her out. And then she sees me in a brand new costume with obviously two hundred plus dollar boots and she sees me with all my new Qadir technology and then I'm always on my smart phone with all the new apps and paying beaucoup bucks for my internet and college and sexy clothes.

Diary, don't tell her I said this but maybe I shouldn't have kicked her out? She's only trying to be a good friend while I spiral deeper and deeper into the narcissism of my new Burnside life. But then again, maybe she should just be happy for me! For once I'm having a life of my own that isn't predicated on What Would Batman Do?! I'm sure she'll get over it. Right, Diary?

Anyswayze, did I mention I was working on getting tickets to the policeman's balls?

Yes, Diary! Liam and I are dating! Although it's already been two dates and I don't think he knows how to play baseball! You should see what I was wearing! Second base was hanging out all over the place and he just kept staring longingly at first trying to figure out how to get there! You know what? Fuck baseball! I want to know if this guy plays Scrabble!

Whoa. Just thinking about his face in my Scrabble tiles made my legs go all jelly. Diary, sex had better live up to all these good time feelings just thinking about it gives me!

There's just the smallest, teensiest, weeniest little problem with Liam: he hates Batgirl. Poop.

I'm sure he'd change his mind if he got a close up look at my butt in the suit!

This is how I know I've been hanging around with Batman too much, Diary! People like sexy, did-you-see-his-fantastic-bulge Liam are now conflating his tactics with mine! I don't break the law! Unless you count the little laws that aren't really laws as laws. Like I probably shouldn't be trespassing. And I will admit to causing a bit of property damage every night swinging around with my Bat-Grapple. But it can't be illegal just happening upon a crime and stopping it yourself, right?! It might be careless or stupid but then it's also safer for the criminal! If I were to call the cops, they'd storm in guns blazing, possibly killing the perp. I don't kill! And I also don't break bones or do serious damage to criminals like Batdad! Criminals are lucky to be caught by me! I bet most of them put the experience in their spank bank!

I'm sure he'll change his mind once he realizes the super sexy vagina he's putting his manly man rod into is the same vagina on Batgirl! Not that he's done that yet! That was me fantasizing and messing up my pajama bottoms!

Oh yeah. Total La Brea Tar Panties now.

Whoops! I shouldn't have put that picture in my head! Now the first time Liam and I do it, I'm going to picture his cock as a saber toothed tiger sinking into my tar pit. I know I'm going to laugh until I pee! And that's probably not a turn on! And if it is a turn on for him, it'll be a turn off for me! Oh the humanity!

What if he is into pee play?! Do I skip my chance just because he likes to guzzle a little drizzle?! I think sex is going to be complicated!

Okay! Enough about my love life. Did I mention Grump Canary is now singing in a band?! I was hoping they call themselves Chocolate Starfish but they came up with a stupid name: Ashes on Sunday! What does that even mean?! And isn't it dangerous for Dinah to be singing in front of crowds of people?! What if she accidentally drops a Canary Scream?! Boy, she tells me I'm being irresponsible! She's being irresponsible!

And did I mention I'm pretty much screwed because I still don't have my thesis salvaged from my crashed hard drive and my adviser is coming back from his trip and wants to discuss it?! And did I mention that even Nadimah seems to hate Batgirl even though she was talking about some creep named Jordan Barberi who stars on a reality show called Gotham Heights?!

Speaking of Jordan Barberi, that's my next Mystery! I call it The Mystery of the Guy That Thinks He's So Special and Above the Law! I'll show him above the law! To the Batgirl Cycle!

So I got a little careless, Diary! I'm Batgirl!

Look, I know what you're thinking, Diary! I'm just proving Liam's point getting involved in dangerous car chases. I don't need you lecturing me too! Staring at me with all your blank pages saying, "Contemplate your past actions! Learn from your mistakes! Meditate on future, better courses of action!" I get it, Diary, I get it! You don't think fate decided to teach me a lesson right then and there, Diary? Yeah. Ugh. Now shut up and let me finish The Mystery of the Guy That Thinks He's So Special and Above the Law and How It Led To Me Probably Never Getting Laid Ever!

Yes, I caused Jordan to crash into a diner. And yes, Liam saw the whole thing and tried to arrest me. And yes, I completely humiliated him and caused him to fail at his job. And yes, I feel all horrible about it. Especially when he had to tell me all about it over coffee this morning. And I had to act all sympathetic and sweet and ignore all the parts of the story where he told it wrong and made it look like I was Grendel and he was Beowulf. And then he mentioned James Junior as if I'd told him about that. What?! Then his phone rang while he was in the Little Boy's Room probably touching his man-thing. Turns out it was...me calling?!

This is why I can't get laid, Diary! Maybe I should date a criminal for awhile?

I thought my life was supposed to improve out here in Burnside! Lead singer of Asses on Bumday Grump Canary had better not be behind this!

Batgirl #38 Rating: No change. Why do I like this book so much?! If this is a modern comic book then everything Dan Jurgens writes feels like it was recently found in a cave near the Dead Sea. Maybe DC should send Dan Jurgens to a mall food court to hang out for a few hours on the weekend. See what life is really like now.

Batgirl #37

This is how happy I would be if Batman would hurry the fuck up and get dad out of jail.

Dear Diary,

Guess who got laid?! Probably everybody but me! Why won't any guys stick their ding dong inside of me? I'm hot! I'm young! I'm super duper cute! Okay, so maybe I've got a weird hobby that kind of keeps me from getting too attached to anybody. But who wants to be attached?! I'm just looking to attach myself to a guy in one icky sticky way, see? HUGE MANGA WINK! Anyswayze, when I did finally find a guy whose penis I tried to find out how many licks to get to the center of, my dad arrested him and his brother died and his mother made the best tamales so I put on like five pounds and was too embarrassed to take my shirt off in front of him. I totally didn't even care that he was missing a leg! That probably would have just made his penis look bigger, right?

I think I might have a chance with Jason Todd but that might seem a little weird, right Diary? Would you have sex with a zombie that was kind of like your brother? Maybe I should try out for the Teen Titans. I hear they pass each other around like a box of tissues. Spunk in one, toss it away, move on to the next one hanging out of the box with its legs spread wide. I hear they even have a cute gay guy on their team. What was his name? Bummer? Punker? Bunger? Something like that.

Anyway, Diary, I should probably tell you the fun and exciting and slightly transphobic things that happened to me this week!

So it all began with me getting in a fist fight with myself!

I just fucking designed this costume and this ho-bag went and copied it? Where'd she get the fucking pattern?! And the yellow boots! You know how long it took me to find these cute yellow Docs?!

Did I tell you I've been working with Qadir ever since he made me that grappling hook and I totally saved his super motorcycles?! He's kind of nerdy looking with the glasses and a bit of nerd mouth happening and he's a bit stinky cause he's just not overly concerned about his appearance but boy is he smart! He's all like, "I'm over here saving the world, tutt tutt tutt! I don't have time to roll on sports deodorant! Tutt tutt! Anybody up for a game of the Dungeons and Dragons later?" He does kind of give me a lady boner though. I bet he masturbates thinking about how our meetings might have turned out if he'd only try to kiss me and maybe touch my butt a little bit. Am I too intimidating?! I mean, you've seen my butt, right Diary? You'd want to touch it, right?!

Oh God I need the sex!

Qadir built me a whole new phone with a blinding flash because he's like my Q. Oh! His name even begins with a Q! What a strange coincidence! You can't make up stuff like that!

Anyswayze, later I got all slutted up and hit the Dagger Type art show with my best friends.

Even with Super Grump Face, Dinah makes us all look like a pair of panties worn straight through Leak Week. Sometimes I hate that fabulous looking bitch.

Okay, Diary, ready for the Twistcockian hitch? The art show was all huge, sexy pictures of me! Can you believe it?! I mean, they weren't as hot as if I had actually modeled for them. They were obviously that bloody rag that's been running around pretending to be me. And can you remind me why I'm still hanging out with Dinah?! She thought the whole thing was a great big hilarious joke! Eww! I wish she still owned some stuff so I could burn that stuff up too!

The worst part was the picture of Batgirl in a wheelchair. Remember how somebody knew who I was, Diary! This Dagger Type knew about my wheelchair days! Well, I was going to solve this mystery if I had to knock out Dinah's teeth to do it! Oh how I wanted to knock out Dinah's teeth! This was my third case since moving to Burnside (unless it was my fourth!) and it needed a name: The Mystery of the Horribly Pretentious Artist With The Stupid Name!

Being the World's Greatest Detective That Isn't A Huge Asshole, I followed the clues which led straight to a book on American Sign Language. After reading it, I realized the photos were all signing things! At first, I thought they were saying, "I'm horny for a raccoon helicopter cookie." But then I turned the book over and realized the signs were telling me to meet somebody at the base of the Burnside Bridge! The showdown was eminent! I mean imminent! Is that what I mean? One of those!

This case had a mini-case tucked into the maxi-case: The Mystery of Dinah Being a Huge Cunty McCunt Cunt.

How was I going to get Dinah to forgive me? Was I going to have to take out a loan from The Bank of Bruce Wayne so I could buy Dinah another Dojo?! Except Hush had recently wiped out Batman's bank account, so I guess I needed to find a new rich mentor. What about Booster Gold? He sounds rich! And what happened to that Green Team? Holy cocks! I should have joined that team! MONEY MONEY BO BUNNY FANANA BANA MO MO MO MONEY!

Anyswayze, Fake Batgirl finally showed up in a solid gold uniform that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit and also pee my pants a little bit too. Since I'm not dead and I'm right here writing in you, Diary, you probably already figured out who beat up who, right? Well, kind of, anyway. I unmasked Fake Me and it turned out to be Dagger Type! The Horribly Pretentious Artist With The Stupid Name! The title of the mystery gave it all away! But I lost Dagger Type when I had to dodge a bullet and take a dive into Gotham Bay. Luckily I knew where Dagger Type would be showing up later that night! Dagger Type was going to reveal the identity of Batgirl! Oh no! Are you as super nervous as I was then, Diary?!

Don't worry. It was just Dagger Type doing some weird art thing that nobody understood. The audience failed to be impressed so Dagger Type tried to kill us all. Good thing my Q set me up with just the right gadget to take down Dagger Type! Isn't that the way all of those double-O seven movies work?

I think Dagger Type's big mistake was losing the red hair in the reveal. And possibly the boobs. And, really, Dagger Type's ass couldn't compare to mine, so nobody in the room was impressed with Dagger Type's sagging ass cheeks! Plus nobody goes in for that overly pretentious art imitating life imitating art imitating life imitating art crap anymore. The cops came and took Dagger Type away but not before I found out Dagger Type had a patron that asked for the wheelchair photo! Which means the person who knows my identity is still out there! GASP! SHOCKER! WHATTA TWIST!

I don't want to neglect to tell you about my other huge lady boner that night! Somebody call 911 because my basement just flooded! HUGE MANGA WINK!

Oy vey! My dad would kill me if I brought home a cop! Although who needs to bring him home, right, Diary? He probably wouldn't mind being used by a young woman out looking to get this huge elephant in the room out of her pants! But then again, his name is Liam. I don't think I could moan "LIAM" without cracking myself up.

I ended the night tonight with Dinah taking my picture atop the Burnside Bridge because I've gotta take control of how the neighborhood sees me. I can't let them think I'm some wild, crazy, thieving, murdering asshole. Also, I don't want them to think that I'm a prude! I want to be approachable! I want to give off a vibe that says, "I'm single and ready to pork your brains out, Gotham!"

Batgirl #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Still adorable. Although I think the Dinah feud can wrap up any time now. Babs was right last commentary when she wanted to call Black Canary "Petty Canary." Holy fuck she's being mean to Babs! Just drop it already! Or go move in with Condor and leave Babs alone.

Batgirl #36

Super flying double punch, BIATCHES!

Dear Diary,
I think I'm going to start calling Dinah "Petty Canary" because she just won't drop the whole "I burnt down all of her stuff" thing! Come on! It's been like a week or something since that happened. And it wasn't like I wanted to burn up all of her clothes. Just most of them! LOL! She dresses like my mom! I've apologized to her like nine thousand times and she's all, "Grump grump grump grump old person old person blah blah blah I love to suck Condor's dick." And then I have to pretend like I couldn't just kick her ass and force her to apologize because we're supposed to be best friends and best friends don't talk about who would win in a fight even though everybody knows it would be me. HELLO! Trained under Batman here! Um, eww, not literally!

Although I did sometimes wind up under Dick while sparring. Mmm. Spandex does not do a good job of concealing boners!

Anyswayze, Black Canary's barely talking to me but I still had to go shopping with her to help her pick up some new clothes. If I didn't go with her, she'd probably come home with a bunch of sweaters with cats on them and fishnet stockings under acid washed Daisy Dukes! And then she'd be all, "Do you think Condom will like this?" (Condom is what I call Condor, Diary! It's like the perfect nickname because his head totally looks like a used scumbag!) And then I'd have to pretend I needed to pee really badly so I could run in the bathroom and laugh my ass off.

If she doesn't start talking to me soon and forgive me, I'm just going to kick her out of my apartment once and for all! Except I'll have to find a way to do it so that she doesn't get mad at me! Don't want my head exploding! LOL!

So later, I met some people on the floor of my new office at Burnside College where I'm totally doing thesis work and brainy crap like that. Gonna rock me a PHD, wut!

This is Jeremy of Groot. He was totally trying to look down my shirt and catch some nip action, the adorable old perv.

My research assistant and room away from room roommate is Nadimah who might think I'm a little bit too touchy and excitable.

I was all, "My life is so over!" And she was all, "I can fix that!" And I was all, "Hallelujah praise Batman! Let me kiss you all over, hot stuff!" And she was all, "It's cool."

So I head over to the Robotics Building to pick up that hard drive from Qadir, Nadimah's adorable little nerdy brother. That's where I discovered my second mystery since moving out of Alysia's Den of Board Games and Sin: The Case of the Missing Super Motorcycles! It took all the willpower I had to override the sugar in my system which really wanted to lean super close to Qadir and say, "This sounds like a job for Batgirl *HUGE MANGA WINK*" Instead I played it cool and was all, "Oh, really? A theft, hunh? Sure hope somebody smart and cute solves that one soon!" Then I swaggered on out of there leaving nerd drool all over the tiles. Probably. I mean, I am pretty hot, coming and going! Especially coming! *HUGE MANGA WINK!*

And then on my way to meet Frankie to recover my computer data, I found a clue to my new mystery!

I think this clue is going to crack the case wide open!

The women riding the stolen bikes were wearing the shortest skirts! They must have some real confidence! Their vadges were one thin piece of fabric away from slopping up the seats of those super bikes! How could they not? If I were out in public in a skirt like that, I'd barely be able to walk from all of the sexual tension building up between my legs. I'd be all, "If I bend over, that cute guy is going to get an eyeful of Bat-muffin!" And then my stomach would feel like it was full of heated charcoal and my whole body would probably shudder as I pictured his stiffening rod as he checked out my beautiful girl package. Whew, Diary. I better change the subject or it's going to be Dear Bathtub Faucet pretty soon here!

So I ran out to confront those skeeves and get Qadir's bikes back and you know what they did, Diary? They tried to floopin' kill me! I'm trying to curse less, Diary, so when I say floopin', you know what I really mean! Hmm, does that make it better? Why not just say fuckin' then? Oh! OH! I know why! I forgot how randy I was from the last paragraph and that word just about set me off again. Boy, I sure wish Dick wasn't dead *HUGE MANGA WINK!* Not that he ever tried anything with me while he wasn't pretend dead anyway, the stupid fool. He could have spelunked every single one of my precious caves!

So since they tried to kill me, I had to bravely retreat in a brave fashion that was super brave.

I was all, "OMG! You sluts know Atomina too?! I used to love that cartoon!"

Atomina was this anime I used to watch when I was a little Batgirl and in one episode, she fought some biker robot bitches named The Jawbreakers. And now I was going to have to battle the real live versions of those cartoon characters! Life in Gotham is weird!

To do some research and maybe find some more clues since my first clue tried to kill me and then got away, I headed over to the Hipster Toy Store, Robot Pony. It's one of those places where they call toys "art" and every toy line is just the same molded plastic shape with different paint jobs. And the clerk there was all, "I'm so into obscure shit! La dee da da da! I never watch the American versions of any Japanese cartoons because the soul has been sucked out of them and they've been watered down to show to children and blah dee blah blah blah I masturbate to Sailor Moon porn." Although he was helpful in pointing me to the two girls who probably stole the bikes, so I should probably be less venomous when writing about him in you, Diary. But he wasn't cute enough to be rude, so screw him and his bow tie.

Anyswayze, long diary entry not as long as I was planning on making it because I hear Mr. Bathtub Faucet calling, I tracked down The Jawbreakers (or The Mouth-Death Twins as they were known in the original Japanese version of Atomina, Science Battle Hero Nuclear! I learned all that from Robot Pony Guy! And I remembered it all because I can't forget anything! Help! LOL!). But I couldn't figure out how to defeat them until I remembered the episode of the cartoon they were in and how Atomina defeated them!

Go go Gadget Gadget!

So of course I caught them, 'natch! Although I crashed the bikes a few times battling The Jawbreakers. Whoops! Anylazy, I can't be held accountable for any damage caused to the bikes while retrieving them! If the bikes were damaged, the guys who built them should have done a better job building them! I learned that from The Batman and his rules about not killing criminals. If they die in the custody of the police or later at the hospital, it wasn't his fault! But get this! There was like a huge M. Night Shamalamadingdang twist to the whole mystery! Turns out...*I* was the villain! Um, don't ask me how! But The Jawbreakers said I called the hit on myself and helped the girls steal the bikes. WHUT?! What kind of dumb fucking insane stupid more-popular-than-she-should-be slut would call out a hit on herself, amirite?

And then later, Frankie met me at school and was all, "So is this guy sitting right here in front of you the guy you said was possible reverse jailbait?" And I was all, "BLUSH! DIE! LIFE OVER!" And that was my week, Diary! Now, you tuck yourself up nice and cozy under the mattress here and don't worry about any weird splashing, moaning sounds you hear coming from the bathroom, okay? Good night!

Batgirl #36 Rating: How cute is this book? So cute! And having not done this in awhile because it was boring but was a decent measure of how much story is packed into each book, I counted the average panels per page on this book. Over nine! Holy fuck! That's a lot of story for your dollar! Pick this book up, nerds!

Batgirl #35

Dear Diary, eat your heart out!

Dear Diary,
Long time no write, amirite?! Holy Robin Outbursts, I've got so much to tell you! So much has happened since I found out that I'm not a horrible, terrible, awful fratricider! No, no! I didn't give my most precious and super bat-spectacular gift to Dick! Besides, he's dead, Diary! *wink* You know that! *wink wink* Batman is such a lousy liar! You can always tell Batman is lying when he says, "No more secrets." Bullpoo! All you do is keep secrets, B.W.! If anybody is reading this that shouldn't be reading this, "BW" is what I call Batman because his name is (B)at (M)an and I like to sometimes write the M upside down because it looks like a bat! I guess the "M" looks like a bat too. Oh, shut up! Why are you even reading my diary, you jerk!

So here's the big news first! I totally moved out of that skank Alysia's place! J.K! I mean, JK about Alysia being a skank not about me moving out. Although you didn't see where her face was that time I walked in on her playing Scrabble with her friend, so skank is probably the right word! In a non-judgmental, totally approve of it way, of course! I wish I could get Dick to put his face there! On me though! Not on Alysia's Scrabble buddy! So now I'm living in Burnside which is like Hipster Central in Gotham City Over The River! Everywhere I go, people have waxed mustaches and non-prescription glasses with huge frames and big lumberjack beards and fixed wheel bikes that are ten feet tall and nobody quite knows the difference between vintage and retro! Every place smells like coffee and vaping! And I have a new roommate named Frankie who is totally a girl even though she has a boy's name! I think she's a skank too! In fact, I'm counting on it! LOL!

The next big news that is kind of small news (although it was really BIG news if you get my drift diary which you won't get until I tell you more!) is that I saw my first real penis! Okay, it was a photo of some junk but holy moses was it real! I think it was real. It gave me real feelings in the panties! But I pretended to be grossed out because it was an unsolicited peen and that's grosser than gross. But it was kind of not gross, you know? *sigh*

Don't I totally fit in with my new specks?!

The next totally big thing that happened which might be bigger than moving but I can't remember it so it's only the third big thing that happened to me since last time we had a nice chat, Diary. I totally got felt up by some hot guy named Troy! Swoon! Double Swoon! I don't think I can Triple Swoon until he gets into my undies though! I don't want to swoon ahead of myself.

Wait. I wonder if he got into my undies? You know what? I have an eidetic memory and I can't remember the best part of my week! Stupid alcohol! I woke up still wearing the same pair, so that's a pretty good clue that they stayed on! And they were practically grafted to me, so I'm pretty sure I slept in my puddle of joy. I'm the world's greatest detective!

Also, I caught my first Burnside criminal!

I hope busting guys in hoodies isn't as exciting as it gets out here over the bridges.

I was kinda proud of my Troy game from the night before so I referred to myself as "legal" during the fight. I totally objectified myself! LOL!

I wish Dick had objectified me more often! He sure missed out on some sweet, sweet Bat-muffin!

Oh! Diary! Did I tell you that I think Jason Todd is going for the bat-muffin now?! Ugh! I mean, he's hot enough and all. But I just don't know if I can get past his zombie status! What if his wiener falls off in my butthole? Okay, so what, Diary? So I've thought about it enough times that we're already doing butt stuff in my fantasies! Don't judge me! You know how much of his sweat I've gotten in my mouth while sparring with him shirtless? He was shirtless! Not me! Scandal! Even at fourteen, he was a rippling mass of manly ripples. Whoa! I need to be careful. I almost Triple Swooned there just thinking about it!

And then guess who came back into my life like a long lost black canary! Dina...Black Canary? What kind of stupid name is that? Why haven't I ever thought about that before?! Is that some kind of rare canary that shrieks obscenities at people? I guess she took the name canary because of her canary yellow hair and her ability to smell gas! LOL! Anyswayze, Dinah came back into my life even though I practically called her a cunt the last time we were together. See, her dojo was burned down which totally sucked because that's where I'd left my mobile Batgirlcave! And guess what, Diary?! You can't insure Batgirl stuff without giving away your secret identity! So I'm like shit out of fuck luck to coin a dirty, dirty phrase! I'd like to say that in front of Batman! I bet steam would come out of his butthole! That guy is so pent up. I wonder if Alfred gives him happy ending massages! For therapeutic reasons, of course!

So Dinah suddenly doesn't have any place to stay so she comes to me? Why me?! How did she even get my new address?! Grrr! That Alysia is going to pay! I guess I'm happy that Dinah still thought of me first rather than that creepy date-rapist Condor. Looking at his stupid costume with that stupid helmet, I'm fairly certain he meant to call himself Condom. LOL!

Anyswayze, long story short, I lost my laptop! I guess that was also "long story, conclusion that makes no sense!" Ha ha! It was all part of my plan to solve the mystery of Dinah's life going up in flames and taking my Batgirl stuff along with it! I should probably think up shorter names for the mysteries I'm going to solve if they're going to fit on the cover of young adult books that will detail my life and ensure I have lots and lots of money when I retire in like 80 years!

So more big news, Diary! I joined an online dating site! For research and investigative purposes, of course!

I am so going to get fucked! KAIJU SIZED SMILEY FACE!

And while I was busy making my new costume (I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW IT TO YOU, DIARY! IT'S FUDGING ADORBZ!), I got my first potential hymen breaker! I mean suspect!

Mmm! My ass looks tasty in my new Bat-pants! OMG! I'd eat my own ass! Gross!

I could tell by his message that Brad was an asshole. He couldn't be bothered to hit the shift arrow on his phone? And he used the apostrophe once so he knows where it's at? Why not use it in every proper instance, Brad? But he could spend the time typing way too many exclamation points? Nobody is that exciting, Brad. And using "your" instead of "you're"? Unacceptable! Also, it was total foreshadowing when he typed "hit me back"! LOL!

Anyswayze, I totally yoinked "Brad's" data as Batgirl when Gordon Barbara Gordon couldn't show up for the date. Although I guess I can't use that trick anymore or else people might figure out the connection, amirite?! Pretty soon, Babs will be getting messages like "Riddle me this, hottie! What's three inches long and ends with a bang?!" or "It's feeding time at the zoo, my fishy sweet! Waah waah waah!" or "Didn't I shoot you in the spine? How come we never got a second date? We should meet BACK up! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Turns out "Brad" aka Freddy Buttboy has been stealing phones and laptops so Riot Black can get his hands on the information and blackmail people with it. And now he had my laptop! With all of my secrets on it! And the possible footage of Probably Condor burning down Canary's dojo! That creep didn't know who he was messing with! Unless he had already gotten his fat hands on my laptop and then he knew exactly who he was messing with! Eeep!

You wouldn't believe how long I had to stare down through that skylight before he said something that I could turn into a cool one-liner!

I'm totally rocking that new costume, right Diary?! BAM! You just got your ass kicked by one hot little mama, criminals! BAM! Look at this ass! BAM! Now look at this fist! BAM! Check out these perky sweet boobs! BAM! Now look at my foot! BAM! Look at my crotch from the back as I bend over and sexily look over my shoulder at you! BAM! Batgirlarang to your boner, bitch!

My plan wasn't to totally kick Black's ass that night although ramming his head into a dirty urinal was maybe the best part of my week. LOL. My plan was just to take away all the data he'd stolen. And since having an eidetic memory is so rare, I figured he was using some kind of Batman-Villain Cyber-Crap to steal the info. And that's when my super sweet plan that even Tim Drake would bow to me over was put into motion!

I'm such a friggin' genius that I should have an army of Oompa Loompas.

And then, well, I guess I should probably tell you how my week ended although it's really kind of embarrassing. Remember how I was rigging my van to explode if anybody tried to mess with it? I know! I know! It was totally irresponsible because I could have killed some kids just breaking in to steal change out of the ashtray! But even worse? I'm totally to blame for burning down Dinah's dojo because of that stupid incendiary device! Now Dinah totally hates me and is never going to forgive me and we're never going to be friends again. Just like all the other times, right Diary! LOL! She's my bestie!

Batgirl #35 Rating: +5 Ranking. I love new Batgirl. I think I love new Batgirl because I'm pretty sure she's based on my earlier Batgirl Diary entries! They totally ripped off my Batgirl!