Batwoman #40

Bye bye, best super hero team ever!

Batwoman and her gang of hoodlums only have one issue left to get into space so that they can catch up to their story where they fell out of space. I don't think it can be done in twenty pages! Maybe this issue will end with everybody boarding a rocket! Which could mean that they all really did burn up upon reentry way back in Issue #35. Then they probably went to hell where Etrigan can put them up for a year or so until they can all find their way out.

If getting into space and then resolving the story from the point where the team returned from space seems like too much to cover in just twenty pages, then how is there going to be any room left over for more sexy creepy, passionate emotionally abusive relationship scenes between Kate and Natalia? I'm pretty sure they need to fuck break up this issue once Kate realizes she's horny she's been hypnotized by short robes and lacy under garments a vampire all of this time. Such a cute gross relationship, amirite?

While Morgaine realizes she needs to get her powerful pet rock into space where it can transform the world into a new Avalon, Kate learns that Natalia's step-daughter has been found murdered! And by step-daughter, I mean the daughter of the man that Natalia married and murdered for his money and who probably would never actually want to be referred to as Natalia's any kind of daughter. Kate suddenly begins having flashes of images that seem to indicate she killed this woman. Of course she's being set up by Natalia and it's all part of the Vampire Hypnotism game (aka rape if you're not a standard issue Universal Monster. Although the Mummy has always been vocally against monsters committing acts of "Vampire Hypnotism." It's just nobody can understand him with all the bandages in his mouth. Frankenstein, too busy trying to quiet the rumors of pedophilia, never had any comments on the subject). Kate needs to find out some answers so she visits Natalia to get this whole thing resolved before getting to the space fight against Morgaine.

Red Alice follows along because she loves her sister and wants to save her. Contrariwise, she might just hate Natalia and wants to ruin her. I don't have a coin nearby with a scar on it (I left it in the other room), so I'll have to remain indecisive about Red Alice's motivations. In the end it doesn't matter because she's going to break up the relationship or become a vampire trying.

Wait. Is this sex or violence?

While Beth tries to convince Kate that she isn't really a vampire or into Natalia's hot little body in the least, Morgaine breaks into STAR Labs to steal a rocket ship. But that's boring so let's get back to the big break-up!

Kate refuses to bite Beth in the neck. Or maybe she tried for a second off panel while the scene was following Morgaine and she realized her normal human teeth have a much tougher time biting into neck arteries than nice, pointy vampire teeth. So, due to the scene cut, it's kind of ambiguous when she says, "I can't!" Unless it isn't. I'm not very good at reading comic books. I still think Kate and Natalia are a super adorable couple!

Vampire Hypnotism Apologist! You're just contributing to Vampire Hypnotism Culture, Beth!

But wait! The real break-up scene is yet to come! That's the next page where Marc Andreyko decides to write a scene defending his story to the critics instead of writing an actual break-up scene between Kate and Natalia!

Marc: "See? It wasn't rape, you twits! It was just all part of Kate Kane's horribly damaged psyche! Readers on the internet are so dumb!"

Well, that explains that! Can't argue with the Vampire Hypnotist telling her victim that she wasn't Vampire Hypnotized at all! "You wanted it, Batwoman! You were begging for it!" Totally sounds consensual and not anything like Vampire Hypnotism to me. I'm sure glad the alleged Vampire Hypnotist put it all into context like this and pointed out how the victim was...I don't want to say "to blame"...um..."responsible" for the alleged act of Vampire Hypnotism.

This scene would have been so much better if Kate had just been, "You Vampire Hypnotized me? Why you fucking bitch!" Then she could have clawed out Natalia's eyes and scooped out her ovaries through her vagina. No wait. That's probably going too far! Although what happens next is kind of close!

I think Andreyko should have just gone from the "You hypnotized me?" to this scene and skipped that whole part where he gave voice to the Vampire Hypnotist's excuse.

Kate leaves Nocturna pinned to the wall with the police on the way since Red Alice used a cell phone to stream Natalia's confession to Maggie Sawyer and/or some other cop like Bullock or something. Natalia continues to blame Kate as Kate walks out horrified at the entire ordeal. Maybe going into space and beating the shit out of some other woman will do her some good. Poor Morgaine is in for some serious projected aggression!

Beth and Kate have a heart-to-heart sisterly chat before Ragman appears and tells them they have more important things to deal with! So stop crying, forget about what happened, digest your sister's Through the Looking Glass quotes and get into space already!

Oh, an annual! That makes sense! I knew twenty pages weren't enough to end this thing. It took nearly that many to deal with the, ahem, alleged Vampire Hypnotism!

Batwoman #40 Rating: No change. Now that I can be a bit more serious in tone here in the Limbo area where my real review of the issue supposedly takes place but rarely does because I don't really care about legitimate reviewing, let's go back to that scene where Kate learns she's been hypnotized by Natalia and she realizes that she was hypnotized into having sex with her. Confused and still processing the event, Kate asks her rapist point blank, "You forced me to have sex with you?" Obviously Kate should realize at this moment that she was manipulated and raped and she doesn't need confirmation from her attacker. Natalia's comments are exactly what you would expect to hear from the rapist which makes her all the more terrible. This scene, without the outside controversy, actually makes sense and portrays Natalia as the monster Kate declares she is. But with the controversy and Marc Andreyko going on Twitter way back when to explain that Kate doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do and that the encounter wasn't rape, Natalia's comments just come across as Andreyko trying to explain away the rape. So a scene in which a woman's attacker piles blame onto her victim, a scene that I could believe would happen, just comes across as a petty attempt by the writer to prove that the rape never actually occurred. It's kind of mind-boggling. If I had any stake in Andreyko's writing, I'd say he wrote this scene correctly and it doesn't have anything to do with the outside controversy. But since I'm not his mother, I can't help but read it as a desperate attempt at damage control. Of course it's coming way too late! Most people that were disturbed by the rape scene dropped the book then and there, if not a few months earlier.

Anyway, I hope Batwoman can return soon without all of this drama packed up in her suitcases. Let's clean the slate and get her back to fighting crime alongside The Unknowns as soon as possible! Please?

Batwoman #39

Red Alice is finally here to murderfuck every face in the room!

Red Alice has that super hot look that says, "I'm not into men and even if I were, you'd be way beneath my standards." So irresistible!

Previously in this comic book, some fucking crazy shit was going down all over Gotham. A bunch of crazy characters were involved. And Kate Kane was having mega-sexy sex with Nocturna right on panel! Well, kind of on panel. Maybe I fantasized it. Let's see if this issue contains any more lesbian sex that I can male gaze up as much as possible, making it all about a man's erection!

I know! I pointed out how you're here to murderfuck! That's totally different! And sexy! And illegal in most European nations!

Kate is probably more worried about what Red Alice did to their father anyway. Murderfucking him would be wrong and icky. That might not even turn me on! No wait. I've thought about it for a second and it totally would.

Kate comes out of her bedroom looking so fucking adorable that it breaks my adorable meter. She says, "B-Beth? Its impossible." I guess she lost her apostrophe in Nocturna's sweet vanilla scented sphincter.

Is this Red Alice's schtick? She quotes Through the Looking Glass and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland all the time? Although I'm not sure "I'm not here to kill you" is a line from either novel! Although I can think of several occasions where Alice might have said it.

Next Nocturna comes out in an incredibly short robe and I have to take a masturbation break. Just kidding! I'm not into lesbians! I respect that their love making is not meant for my benefit and that it is an expression of love between two people just like everybody else's sexual exploits. Although all the other sexual encounters turn me on, so I'm just being myself when I wish for an on panel shot of Kate's face between Nocturna's thighs! I mean, if they were guys, that would be totally different because I was only into that during college that one or two or three times. Or however many times before I lost count. I mean, before I realized I totally wasn't into that because I was super heterosexual!

What's with the question mark shape on Kate's back?! Is that a shout out to Renee Montoya?!

This has always been my explanation for Kate and Nocturna's romance. Kate was just looking to cut loose after having her heart broken by Maggie. Or by herself, really, but whatever. Except all you naysaying jerks that wanted to ruin this adorably hot relationship had to run around with your hair on fire yelling, "The sky is raping! The sky is raping!" You guys are always looking for a reason not to have fun and to get to be righteously angry at somebody! Well no more! Kate and Nocturna are consenting fuck partners and that's the end of it! I mean, Nocturna did turn her into a vampire against her will and is manipulating her through the immortal blood but that's different somehow! Just shut up! I like seeing them kiss!

Nocturna and Red Alice start a whole daytime talk show drama filled screamfest until Kate yells at them in her vampire voice to knock it off. The art also takes a hit around this point. I think the inker might have changed! Anyway, Nocturna and Red Alice don't trust each other but they decide to play nice for Kate's sake. At least for now. Or at least in front of her.

Meanwhile, Clayface uses Ragman's computer to Google himself since he's lost his memory after being used as a mold for Morgaine. He discovers he was an insane murderer and doesn't like it much. I guess Ragman doesn't know Clayface's real name or else Clayface could check out his credits on IMDB while he's at the computer.

Showoff. He's just a Diet Spectre! Oh man. Jelyde is gonna be pissed at me for saying that!

This must be the part where the story catches the reader up on all of the other characters. So let's see what's happening with Jason Blood next.

Radhu! I didn't recognize you without the turban! I bet I won't recognize Uncle Harry either if he's not a pillow. Or Glenda without that thing she was known for.

It turns out Morgaine is waiting for Jason in his apartment with Etrigan gagged and bound at her feet. Are they almost in space?!

Morgaine has come in search of that rock that she winds up sticking in a satellite. But Ragman must have sensed injustice happening because he and Clayface call Batwoman to join them in staring into Jason Blood's rear window. At least the gang is finally all together. Now they just need to find a spaceship.

Morgaine practically said "fart."

Etrigan is so shaken up that he rhymes "blind" with "blind" while making no sense anyway, and then rhymes "death" with "death." Anybody can rhyme like that! Actually, anybody can rhyme anything. What is people's fascination with rhymed words? Rhyming is like the first thing you learn in school!

Anyway, Jason Blood disappears and Morgaine runs off to Slaughter Swamp to raise her army of dead mud creatures. Etrigan points out that they should probably chase her down or else the world is going to end and nobody wants it to end. That was a rhyme!

Batwoman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I get that this isn't anywhere near the same level of great that Batwoman was when it had those other people writing and drawing it. You know, whatever their names were. Blackguy and Prince William the Third. But I'm thoroughly enjoying this version of Batgirl as well. The other version was deep and profound and intimate and emotional. This version is simply fun super hero adventures. And as we all know, DC needs as many fun super hero adventures as they can get. Too bad it was at the expense of Batwoman the Urban Legend Killer.

Batwoman #37

Clayface loves watching vampires fuck.

Now that I'm writing sonnets and being all highbrowed and shit, I'm not sure I should have begun with the vampires fucking line. That could give the tenured professors I attracted to my blog the wrong idea about how intellectual I am! I'd better write another sonnet to get them back on my good side!

Sonnet #Clayface

Does anybody know where vampires fuck?
It's something that I really need to see.
This line ends with a word that rhymes with fuck.
This line should have a word that rhymes with see.

This stanza here is all about Clayface.
Also about the general state of man.
And woman too, of course; there's just no space
To be socially just in every scan.

Now where was I? Oh yeah! Clayface had just
Begun to mope about his life's lost zest,
And the love of his life and her big brust
(I'm sure that's some archaic word for breast).

A man of many faces might I be.
The one that matters most, you'll never see.

Holy fucking shit! I am a genius the likes of which the world has never seen! Sonnet #Clayface might be my best sonnet ever!

The strangest thing you've ever said? Please. Like you've never shouted, "Ram your beautiful blooming piss factory into my gaping maw so my eager pleasure muscle can bring your throbbing love button to an intense state of indescribable quivering ecstasy!"

Earlier in the night, Batwoman threatened a reporter or an ex-girlfriend or just some Nocturna hater. She doesn't want her vendettaing Natalia Mitternicht because that's her vampire girlfriend now. Or her vampire sex mistress. Or just some person that comes by to fuck Kate when she's blackout drunk and won't remember it in the morning. Which is probably a good thing since the act involves a lot of biting and bleeding and pacts to the dark mistress Satan.

Back at Jason Blood's house, Etrigan mentions how he never wants Jason Blood inside him ever again, and Jason Blood says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know who you've been talking to but I ain't into fucking animals." Then Etrigan begins to strangle him and then Batwoman enters and says, "Step away from the naked man." Hmm, I would have ended that with an exclamation point. But then I end over 90% of all of my sentences with one! See?

Meanwhile, some thieves take off with Ragman's Celtic cookie.

Does anybody else think the magic cookie has something to do with Etrigan's sudden appearance? Is that why the burned up cult guy recognized Jason Blood? Were they summoning Etrigan with the virginal sacrifice? I like to believe that scenario since Etrigan should be sharing time with some squatter in London, as seen in Stormwatch Number I don't remember the number (what am I? An editor?).

Really? Strained? Your insult would hold more weight if that were true but this is some of Etrigan's best rhyming so far in the whole New 52! Especially that crack against women! Ha ha! Cowards!

His rhyming later in the encounter gets significantly worse. I'm going to have to admit that Batwoman has a better ear for rhyme than I do. Although she later calls Etrigan's rhymes a "haiku" so maybe she doesn't know anything at all about poetry and rhyme. Perhaps she's simply gained powers of prognostication with the vampire blood now coursing through her so she heard his future rhymes before he rhymed them.

Batwoman and Etrigan manage to say enough during the fight so that they realize the true villains in the current scenario are the robed cult that summoned Etrigan from out of the British squatter. Batwoman learns the cult are trying to resurrect Morgan le Fay which Etrigan assures her is a bad idea. He really drives home the point by rhyming "all" with "all." I guess this quest will get them in contact with Ragman and his Morgan le Fay summoning cookie. But how will Clayface join the team?! And Beth! Or Alice? Whatever.

Clayface is captured by the Cookie Thieves. Easily. Jesus, Batman goes through so much trying to catch this guy and all he needed to do was refer to him as Mr. Karlo and appeal to his acting ability?

Etrigan sniffs vampire sex juice in Kate Kane's wig and points out that she might need a little mystic hoodoo to clean out her system. For the moment, at least, Kate and Natalia's link is broken. Darn. I hope that doesn't mean their relationship is over and now Kate is going to report Natalia to Maggie for sexual molestation and near cannibalism and breaking and entering and holding her hand in public and looking like the most adorable couple ever when they really weren't although come on! They were so cute together! They shouldn't end the relationship simply because it started out on the rape foot! Um, wrong foot! I mean, at the very least, can't we consider it was an ambiguous foot and all agree that they're too cute together to make a fuss about how they first got together?!

Can't everybody just agree for my sake to say, "You know, we're all kind of weirded out by the way Nocturna broke into Kate's apartment and took advantage of her while she was pretty drunk. But for Tess's sake, let's just look at the situation with a less critical eye. I mean, Nocturna did tell Kate that she wasn't Maggie. She didn't lie to her! Sure, Kate was still drunk but it was on wine and how blotto can one really get on wine, right? She was just a bit sleepy at first and thought, 'Oh, hey, Maggie wants to fuck.' But then her vision cleared and she saw it was hot, sexy Nocturna (who, by the way, said, 'I'm not Maggie') and said to herself, 'Oh yeah! I need this random hook-up to make me feel better about the mess I made with my relationship with Maggie. If that sourpuss doesn't want any of this anymore, I'm not going to lock it away in a no-sex-allowed vault!'" See? When you say it that way, I can have my way and you can all not feel angry! We're all much happier now!

Back at the Cookie Thieves' hideout, they shove the cookie inside Clayface and they and all their friends chant the magic Rune Chant.

Ta-da!

Batwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this comic book going to have enough time to get all of these characters back into space before the final issue?! I hope so! Unless the time it takes to tell that story doesn't allow for more pages of Kate and Natalia fucking because then I have to hope for the pages and pages of fucking.

Batwoman #33

Why didn't "Murderbang" make the cover? Or was his name "Slaypow"? "Deathbullet"? "Gunviolence"?

I currently have too many followers which isn't good for the environment. The more people that read my blog, the more bandwidth is used. The more bandwidth used, the more air conditioners have to be set up to cool the servers housing my spectacularly interesting blog posts. The more air conditioners blowing, the more energy used. The more energy used, the more...well, I don't know. I think eventually one of my sentences winds up pointing out how we're doing something negative to the environment. Not that anybody particularly cares about the environment! But they do care about living and it's nice to maintain an environment that sustains human life. So for my part in helping maintain a lower humidity living environment, I'm going to have to say some very unpopular things so that followers will get angry with me and stop following. Be prepared to be shocked and offended!

Puppies are fugly assholes.

Capitalism is simply communism with more expensive make-up on.

Your side of the political debate is full of insincere pleas and poorly thought out ideas.

Reality television shows are fantastic and unmatched forms of entertainment.

Marvel comics are way better than DC Comics and always have been at all times forever.

The original Star Wars movie was a piece of shit.

Homosexual sex is for queers.

The three most contentious religions on the planet all believe in the same God. You know the one. The one that spoke with Abraham. It's the same God, you dodo-heads! Does everyone just believe God thought it would be funny to send different prophets with different messages to all of Abraham's various descendents? Actually, I think He was just trying to keep his word but Abraham was a fucking dick so everything got all screwed up.

God: "Hey Abraham! Your descendants shall rule nations and shit!"
Abraham: "Cool! You hear that Ishmael? Isaac? You guys are going to be big shots!"
Sarah: "Abraham! Get that maid's son out of my sight, you pecker! He's ruining Isaac's party!"
Abraham: "Okay, Ishmael. You heard your shrew. I mean mom! You're on your own now. Get the fuck out of my house."
God: "Wait. What?! Medammit! Are you sure you want to do that, Abe? I promised him a kingdom, you know? Are you sure you want a kingdom as powerful as Isaac's kingdom but run by a guy with severe daddy issues? It'll be right next door, you know?"
Abraham: "Look, God. You don't have to live with Sarah. Let future generations deal with any problems. By the way, did you have to change her name to 'princess'? Went straight to her fucking head, it did."

That should do it! On to Batwoman now!

Kate Kane has a dream that she's a vampire and she, alongside Nocturna, attacked Maggie and her daughter, Jaime.

Or was it a dream?! Usually if you dream you are a vampire and you've attacked someone, it wasn't a dream at all. That's how vampirism works!

Meanwhile, Killshot is somehow living under the impression that he has a cool name. He's also being paid to not assassinate Nocturna. Actually, he's being paid to assassinate her but not when he has the opportunity but when "Miss Witherspoon" says he can. I think Miss Witherspoon is Sophie, Kate's ex, but I can't be certain because my memory with names isn't so great. I'm much better with faces but since Miss Witherspoon currently has guacamole and cucumbers on her face, I don't recognize her.

While Nocturna sexes up a society function, Kate Kane decides to seek invaluable wisdom from her psychiatrist.

Oh yeah. That's money well spent.

It actually doesn't matter how good Kate's psychiatrist is since she's not really letting go and embracing the process. So he can say as much obvious bullshit as he wants and it's not going to matter. Kate needs a psychiatrist that deals exclusively with superheroes so she can be honest with her. I'm sure one must exist somewhere. Probably a supervillain though.

This format worked earlier, so why not stick with it: While Nocturna sexes up the man she met at the society function, Kate Kane calls Maggie's ex-husband because she can't help making situations worse than they already are. She might need therapy. Um, proper therapy! Not some guy that says things like, "Dreams aren't really real!" and "Perhaps you have ze issues mit Ihre Mutter?"

Jesus Christ! Are you not even listening to your therapist? Remember how you have a problem with control issues? Fucking narcissist! You did not cause the relationship problems between these people and you do not have to solve them either!

Nocturna's brand new fiancé winds up getting shot by Killshot because he sucks at the aiming part of shooting people with a rifle. At least his name holds true and the person he shoots, he kills. Perhaps "Crackshot" would have been a better moniker to work toward? Or "Deadeye"? But for now, he's just a useless twat amongst a city full of people that are more than capable of shooting the correct person.

Batwoman hears the shot and descends upon Killshot like a Batman. But there's a complication since Night-Thief descends upon Killshot like a Batman as well. Night-Thief might be a worse name than Killshot. I wouldn't have guessed Marc Andreyko was going to try to come up with a shittier name but he went for it and succeeded! Nice one!

Oh, and then Nocturna descends upon all the descending Batmen like a descending Batman. But the big fight won't come until next issue. And by "the big fight," I mean when Maggie finds out Kate called her ex-husband.

Batwoman #33 Rating: No change. I sure wish Batwoman made better decisions in her life! No wonder she loves running around as Batwoman since she feels in control as that persona. In her personal life, she's trying to control everything but failing miserably because she seems to forget that other people are, in fact, other people! They get to make decisions and mistakes all by themselves! I don't think Kate needs a therapist; I think she needs a pot brownie every now and again. Chill out, lady!

What are the laws regarding pot in Gotham? And if they're lenient, what does Batman think of them?

Batwoman #32

Batwoman vs. Vampirebatwoman! Fight to the...orgasm?!

This issue begins in faux media res which means it starts off with one strike against it. It is the opinion of any intelligent comic book reader (a rare creature indeed!) that comic books should begin somewhere (anywhere!) and continue from there. Perhaps a few flashbacks or reminiscences along the way but the story should continue along from the point of page one. Instead, comic books like to show a hero getting their ass handed to them on page one and then begin the actual story on page two until the plot catches up to that first page which the comic book then, generally, repeats. I suppose a writer might defend himself with some kind of bullshit about exploded narratives or non-sequential, non-linear story telling. But as I noted so eloquently when I called it bullshit, that's bullshit. Because once the story really begins on page two, it just begins a linear, sequential, unexploded life until the final page. And if that's the case, I've got a novel idea! Just begin with page two! Let the cover be the exciting lure to get the reader into the story. You don't need an action packed page one to get the reader interested.

I know what you're thinking! How often have you picked up a comic book and were faced with dialogue on the first page? What a bummer, right?! Where's the action? Will this comic book even have any? Is it going to be all talking and fat Claremont sized Narration boxes?! How many times have you put down a comic book because you were already bored by page one simply because no knuckles were busting chops? I can answer only for myself: I have no boxes full of comic books I've never read simply because they didn't engage the primal, violent part of my brain on page one! Although I do have shelves packed with independent comic books that are full of great characters and nearly no violence at all!

Oh shit! Don't stop reading! Look! Violence! Dammit. I should have begun with this image!

Just think how much better Moby Dick would have been if it began with the encounter with the great white whale! Ahab would be all, "Smile you son of a bitch!" and then the book would continue, "Thirty six hours earlier. Call me Ishmael."

The issue truly begins at a children's charity carnival where Kate Kane runs into Sophie, an old fuckbuddy from her days at West Point. It seems Sophie's going to be working in Gotham so that she can come in between Maggie and Kate! It's not like that little fucking prick Jaime isn't already ruining things. I wish she'd just get hit by a train already.

Sophie just happens to be dating the daughter of the dead husband of Nocturna, so that's probably how she and Batwoman will wind up kissing and doing other lesbian activities like holding hands and scrapbooking. Since Kate is already feeling like Maggie is pushing her away, she's ripe for a little non-fiancée poontang.

Nine pages in and no action?! Good thing that first page satisfied my bloodlust. Otherwise I'd have to make due with a trip to the carnival and a visit to the psychiatrist and a half-naked man training. My attention is beginning to wander!

Oh wait! My attention is back! Although now I have to go repress myself.

Nocturna heads out to steal some grail for her to drink her morning blood out of. And by a crazy coincidence, Batwoman is out on patrol looking to beat the living crap out of something! Or unliving crap, if the only creatures she can find are vampires.

Batwoman tries to stop Nocturna but then page one happens and Batwoman is knocked out cold. But Batwoman shouldn't worry too much that she failed since Sophie's girlfriend called in the Pest Control to take care of Nocturna. Unless it's somebody else she wants killed with a similar name since Natalia Matternacht isn't Nocturna's name at all! Well, it's damn close. I guess I can forgive her for getting it wrong. Although when you want somebody assassinated, I think the name is kind of important. Anyway, this is her friend from Pest Control:

I find the name derivative and uninspired. My guess is he doesn't last two issues.

Batwoman #32 Rating: No change. Even with the loss of one of the greatest creative teams in the history of people teaming up with other people, I'm still thoroughly enjoying this comic book. I like the way it handles the beats. You know what I mean by the beats? It's like how Kate Kane is all enjoying a day at the carnival and then suddenly she's shitting herself that Maggie doesn't love her anymore and then she's on patrol looking to fuckfight somebody. And still we get a bit of insight into some other characters as well. Although I wish I'd never met Killshot. That guy's had nearly no panel time and I already think he's a major fucktwat. I think "fucktwat" is the South London equivalent of "douchebag." I also could be wrong since I don't know anything about South London.

Batwoman #29

I had no idea "spell" was a euphemism for "vagina."

Now I have the song "I Put A Spell On You" stuck in my head and its far more sexy than creepy! I think Marilyn Manson's version of "I Put A Spell On You" from the Lost Highway soundtrack is the definitive version of that song. I suppose Manson doing a version of a love song that's already inherently creepy is a bit like the person that has to point out a subtle penis joke by yelling, "It's about a penis!" That's kind of the way Captain Hammer and I roll.

I just realized that Kate is going to have to start wearing pants around her apartment more often now that Maggie's kid has moved in. I figure that's probably the main thing that would change if I had children. I'd wear pants around the apartment more often. Not at first, of course! Just when they got old enough to have friends come over. Although then it might be worth the teenage embarrassment factor to walk through the room in my underwear in front of my kid's friends with a stack of Superman comic books under my arm and asking, "Anybody got to use the bathroom? Judging by my stomach's reaction to breakfast, I'm probably going to be in there for awhile!" Also, the Superman comic books would not be for reading but for wiping my ass because they'd be the ones written by Scott Lobdell.

This issue begins with that Eisenstadt guy (unless his name is spelled differently) discovering a secret about a rich bastard named Mr. Grantham! But the reader doesn't get to know the secret yet or else we'd set the book down and stop reading because too much was revealed too quickly. Unless the revelation was mysterious enough to keep us interested! I know I'd be more interested finding out exactly what Eisenstadt found out rather than being left with this to keep me hooked:

"Blessed Virgin! A Grinch doll!"

Eisenstadt means iron city. I just point that out because it might be important to the character later. Like he might have an iron will or he bustles frequently.

To continue living with Maggie and her child, Kate had to make a few concessions. One of those was to see a therapist for her possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not that anybody but Maggie thinks she might have PTSD. But Maggie is the only one that matters to Kate, so she's going to spend a few pages telling a stranger all the fucked up bits of her life so that she can feel less anxious and more connected to the world. Ha ha! Who does that? What a pathetic loser!

Ow. I think I just hurt my feelings.

Oh wait! I'm not the pathetic loser! I'm the therapist helping people understand that they aren't alone in their problems by exposing my own! My readers are the pathetic losers!

Hey! Wait! Where are you going?! I didn't mean anything by that last caption! Please stay! I LOVE YOU!

Obviously what I meant to say is that we're all pathetic losers together because our problems aren't anywhere as unique as we'd like to think they are. They differ only in slight degrees. There's a quote that I'm probably misremembering somehow but it goes something like this: "When you see somebody else get stabbed in the face, it's comedy. But when it happens to you, it's tragedy." And it's easy to look at the victim of comedy as being a pathetic loser when they whine about not getting how funny the stabbed in the face joke was. So what I meant to say is that by all of us being pathetic losers, we aren't actually pathetic losers at all! We're just animals trapped inside the human condition. We're observers observing the observes as we're observed by the observing observers who are also observed. You know what I mean! Probably!

Oh! Oh! I know what happens when you assume! When you assume, you just make stuff up in your head that lacks evidence and then you believe it so strongly (because why would you, the genius, be wrong?) that it takes two to three times more evidence to convince you that you were wrong than if you had just let the evidence come in before making your stupid assumption.

When the therapist assumes she's heterosexual, it's the final straw for Kate who doesn't actually want to be here anyway. She lists off all the "issues" the therapist would probably enjoy asking her to elucidate before walking out of the office. One of those "issues" is that Kate "scared the hell out of [her] fiance's daughter, possibly destroying [their] relationship." That's still a problem? The kid walking in on Kate half-naked in the bathroom cleaning blood off of her face? Bullshit. If the relationship is so fragile that Maggie can't get past her kid getting what amounted to a slightly perturbing experience then maybe Maggie isn't as into the relationship as she thought. Maybe Maggie isn't the one that really has much of a problem with what happened. Obviously she wants her child to be safe around the problems that could crop up when married to a vigilante. So it's understandable if Maggie wants to make sure Kate is okay. Perhaps it's Kate that is blowing this whole thing out of proportion because she's afraid she can't be a good mother to this little girl. Seems like Kate wants this entire thing to blow up because she's afraid she isn't worthy of a normal, happy family. It's easier to get pissed at your therapist and walk out like he's the asshole than to have to face the fact that your fucked up early family life doesn't make you essentially a fucked up person. I think Kate wants to think of herself as permanently broken because it makes it easier to put her life in danger every night. She doesn't deserve to be happy so she risks her life saving people that do deserve to be happy. But remember that thing about us all being pathetic losers? Right. So Kate Kane also deserves to be saved. But who will save her?

Meanwhile Wolf Spider is planning an art heist on Arkham Asylum! That should be entertaining.

That also just made me realize what I really want in the next DC Comics video game! I mean, after the Suicide Squad game, of course! I fucking can't wait for that shit. Anyway, I want a Catwoman game that's a lot like the Thief games but with super heroes and super villains! So your basic game play is a lot like Thief where you steal lots of shiny shit but with more parkour and whipping. And instead of normal guards, Catwoman has to sneak around super villains and their powers. And of course, she'd occasionally have to fuckfight Batman.

Kate really is on the defensive. Although Maggie is pressing pretty hard with the "you obviously have a mental illness" flanking maneuver. I think couples counseling is the real answer!

Kate and Maggie decide to stop discussing their relationship because it's more difficult than figuring out who Wolf Spider really is. Although that's actually pretty easy but they're just dumb. And by dumb, I don't mean the old timey meaning of cannot speak. I don't even mean the new timey meaning of being stupid. I just mean they're ignorant of comic book conventions. I don't mean conventions as in a place where people gather to meet due to a shared interest, usually for the sake of buying and selling! I mean convention as in a trope or a usual means of doing things. Also, they're ignorant of the fact that they're in a comic book or else they'd know right off that Wolf Spider was Kate's old beard from high school. I forget what his name was. So I'm awful at detektif work too!

One thing Kate has figured out is that Wolf Spider has been stealing Eisenstadt paintings. And she knows the location of one of the last two in the series being stolen: Arkham Asylum! So Kate heads over there in the hopes that Wolf Spider will be there that night. While she's waiting around, maybe she'll remember seeing a painting in her family estate with lots of people with no faces.

The next panel should be Wolf Spider saying, "Kate?" Then Batwoman says, "Evan?" And then they have a good laugh and go out for some pizza.

The fight quickly turns into a chase which winds up in the Metahuman Security Wing. Which is probably where Batwoman is going to fall under the vagina of Nocturna! Once Wolf Spider sets all the inmates free so he can get away under cover of craziness.

I don't recognize most of the inmates released because Batwoman must be in the Batwoman's Villains Wing as opposed to the Batman's Villains Wing.

Wolf Spider sneaks off while Batwoman is left to fight these guys. Clockwise from Bottom Left: La Cucaracha, The Lamprey, Frat Disaster, The Blue Fairy, The Janitore, and Nocturna.

Batwoman #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. The tone of the book has shifted somewhat from Williams and Blackman's run but the quality has been retained. Okay, so the art and the layouts aren't nearly as interesting as before. And the story is quite a bit lighter. But I have to admit I like how much time Andreyko is spending on Kate and Maggie's relationship within the framework of the greater story. This is one book that I wouldn't think twice if people had just dropped when Blackman and Williams walked off the book. But if they did, I think they're missing out on a DC comic that's still well worth reading. Unless it makes you angry just thinking about what could have been! Then you probably shouldn't touch it for your own sanity. Especially since you can't hate it the way you'd truly be able to if Ann Nocenti and Rob Liefeld had taken over.