Action Comics #47

Obviously Wrath should be called "Fivefingers" or "One-Face."

Last issue, Wrath tried to convince Superman that her plan to infect everybody with Black Angry Heroin was benevolent. I'm assuming that this issue, Superman gets out a dictionary and reads the definition of "wrath" to Wrath and then suggesting some names she could have considered that would have made her more trustworthy. I don't know what those words would be because it was really the way she secretly went about her plan that mostly proves she's a lying butthole. Especially the part where all the Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors were trying to destroy Superman rather than trying to feed the hungry or hand out blankets and free feminine hygiene products to the homeless. But I get it. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is burn shit the fuck down without worrying what anybody else thinks or what's going to replace the now burnt down shit. I mean, it's not really productive and it's actually more like a tantrum but you have to admit that sometimes tantrums work!

I also forgot that last issue ended with Superman about to battle Frankenstein! That's like the battle everybody has been waiting for!

Swing your sword and not your fist, dum-dum!

Oh! That's why Superman is suddenly battling Frankenstein. For the "monster" metaphor! See how it works? Superman looks human so everybody thinks, "Oh! He's a good guy! He's white and male and he protects us because we can't protect ourselves! Go Superman!" I mean, not currently. Currently everybody thinks Superman is a monster. But let's pretend Wrath is still trying to convince the world that Superman is a monster and that her job wasn't already done for her by Lois Lane (or, more probably, some kind of mass mind control). Frankenstein looks like a decaying corpse stitched together by a madman which is pretty much the definition of monster especially when you take into account all of the assholes screaming at me right now that it's not "Frankenstein" but "Frankenstein's Monster" which--as you can see!--has "monster" right in the name! But here's the even deeper twist that you probably didn't have time to think about because you tore straight into the comic book to see who wins the battle. Wrath's point is that Frankenstein looks like the real monster here but guess what?! He's actually a sensitive poet! Can you believe that?! Something so hideous can actually be super emotional and into writing poetry?! If that's the case (and it totally is because remember junior high, you poetry writing monster?) then that means Superman could actually be a sociopath (and it totally probably is because he's a white man in a position of power!)!

If you say something enough times, it becomes proof of itself! I totally believe Superman is a monster now!

Because Superman hasn't heard he's a monster enough times to believe it yet, Wrath decides it's time to tell Superman her secret origin. Then maybe he'll believe all of the stupid bullshit she's been spouting!

Wrath's story is how she grew up in poverty which drove her to become a lawyer so she could help people. But then Brainiac took part of Metropolis and put it in a bottle and she couldn't do anything about that. Only Superman could and yet he didn't (For dramatic purposes, we'll forget that he recovered the city later) which totally means he's a bad person because her mother was killed in the incident. To be fair, Wrath doesn't become a super villain at that moment because she still wants to work with Superman when she becomes mayor. But that's when Superman contracted the Doomsday Virus and, once again, defeated Brainiac. But he was much scarier this time because he physically looked like a monster which is probably when Wrath's brain said, "Hey! Look at that! He's a monster!"

To be fair to Wrath, I've been screaming about this for a long time now. When writers can't figure out a way to challenge Superman, they turn Superman against himself via mind control or magic or Apokolyptian energy or an alien virus or a Joker toxin. Writers might think they're just providing an exciting story for a few issues but they're really damaging the character. Because now stupid fucking story arcs like this one can come along where idiots who think Superman is an actual monster and not a hero have proof that Superman is dangerous. Superman should be a beacon of hope and trust. Stop fucking turning him into the bogeyman because now I have to read stories where bad writers continue your fucking thought for you. And the people now afraid of Superman aren't wrong to be afraid of him because he's always out of control! I hate that Batman's idea of Superman is constantly proven correct! Knock it the fuck off. Who do we have to blame for this? Is it Miller's Dark Knight Returns? Whatever the case, I'm sick of it.

I bet I'll be bored with Superman in just a few months if he's written as a beacon of hope though!

Supergirl did have a penchant for punching people in the face. And Superboy was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon. And the other guy is...Zod, I guess? He was a threat in Superman Loves Wonder Woman for a bit!

See? Kryptonians are jerks who need to be stopped by any means necessary! I'm totally on Wrath's side now! Thanks a lot, past writers of The New 52 for making her horrible argument make sense!

Wrath finishes her argument by explaining how she got her power from Vandal Savage which completely ruins everything she said previously! If Vandal Savage is your Yoda, you're the bad guy!

Superman continues to fight against Wrath and her plan to turn everybody into raging Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors. So Wrath's next move is to prove to him that he's a monster by showing how his friends react to him!

Oh yeah! Look at that! Superman surprises the shit out of Jimmy by suddenly materializing in his apartment and Jimmy is shocked! Superman is scary! Point to Wrath!

Superman's plan to beat Wrath is to stop trying to fight Wrath and just accept his rage or something. I don't know. It's the same plan he's been using in every fucking story Greg Pak has written. Embrace his fear. Embrace his anger. Embrace his sadness. Hey Greg? Next time, can you at least jerk me off with a different hand?

Superman absorbs all of the shadow power everywhere and saves the day angrily! Vandal Savage happens upon the scene and doesn't like that his Angry Black Semen is being used for good so he takes it all back and puts it into his little box. He shoves Wrath in their for good measure because she failed him. And Superman is back to normal! I mean, normal in that he still has no powers and no spit curl and no cape and no character and no likeability factor and no reason for existing.

Action Comics #47 Rating: No change. The art was horrible. It was the worst part of this comic book! Oh, it was definitely a photo finish between the writing and the art but I'd have to give with win to the art. And by win I actually mean loss. Although the real loser is me because I paid $3.99 for this shit. I hate myself.

Batwoman #40

Bye bye, best super hero team ever!

Batwoman and her gang of hoodlums only have one issue left to get into space so that they can catch up to their story where they fell out of space. I don't think it can be done in twenty pages! Maybe this issue will end with everybody boarding a rocket! Which could mean that they all really did burn up upon reentry way back in Issue #35. Then they probably went to hell where Etrigan can put them up for a year or so until they can all find their way out.

If getting into space and then resolving the story from the point where the team returned from space seems like too much to cover in just twenty pages, then how is there going to be any room left over for more sexy creepy, passionate emotionally abusive relationship scenes between Kate and Natalia? I'm pretty sure they need to fuck break up this issue once Kate realizes she's horny she's been hypnotized by short robes and lacy under garments a vampire all of this time. Such a cute gross relationship, amirite?

While Morgaine realizes she needs to get her powerful pet rock into space where it can transform the world into a new Avalon, Kate learns that Natalia's step-daughter has been found murdered! And by step-daughter, I mean the daughter of the man that Natalia married and murdered for his money and who probably would never actually want to be referred to as Natalia's any kind of daughter. Kate suddenly begins having flashes of images that seem to indicate she killed this woman. Of course she's being set up by Natalia and it's all part of the Vampire Hypnotism game (aka rape if you're not a standard issue Universal Monster. Although the Mummy has always been vocally against monsters committing acts of "Vampire Hypnotism." It's just nobody can understand him with all the bandages in his mouth. Frankenstein, too busy trying to quiet the rumors of pedophilia, never had any comments on the subject). Kate needs to find out some answers so she visits Natalia to get this whole thing resolved before getting to the space fight against Morgaine.

Red Alice follows along because she loves her sister and wants to save her. Contrariwise, she might just hate Natalia and wants to ruin her. I don't have a coin nearby with a scar on it (I left it in the other room), so I'll have to remain indecisive about Red Alice's motivations. In the end it doesn't matter because she's going to break up the relationship or become a vampire trying.

Wait. Is this sex or violence?

While Beth tries to convince Kate that she isn't really a vampire or into Natalia's hot little body in the least, Morgaine breaks into STAR Labs to steal a rocket ship. But that's boring so let's get back to the big break-up!

Kate refuses to bite Beth in the neck. Or maybe she tried for a second off panel while the scene was following Morgaine and she realized her normal human teeth have a much tougher time biting into neck arteries than nice, pointy vampire teeth. So, due to the scene cut, it's kind of ambiguous when she says, "I can't!" Unless it isn't. I'm not very good at reading comic books. I still think Kate and Natalia are a super adorable couple!

Vampire Hypnotism Apologist! You're just contributing to Vampire Hypnotism Culture, Beth!

But wait! The real break-up scene is yet to come! That's the next page where Marc Andreyko decides to write a scene defending his story to the critics instead of writing an actual break-up scene between Kate and Natalia!

Marc: "See? It wasn't rape, you twits! It was just all part of Kate Kane's horribly damaged psyche! Readers on the internet are so dumb!"

Well, that explains that! Can't argue with the Vampire Hypnotist telling her victim that she wasn't Vampire Hypnotized at all! "You wanted it, Batwoman! You were begging for it!" Totally sounds consensual and not anything like Vampire Hypnotism to me. I'm sure glad the alleged Vampire Hypnotist put it all into context like this and pointed out how the victim was...I don't want to say "to blame"...um..."responsible" for the alleged act of Vampire Hypnotism.

This scene would have been so much better if Kate had just been, "You Vampire Hypnotized me? Why you fucking bitch!" Then she could have clawed out Natalia's eyes and scooped out her ovaries through her vagina. No wait. That's probably going too far! Although what happens next is kind of close!

I think Andreyko should have just gone from the "You hypnotized me?" to this scene and skipped that whole part where he gave voice to the Vampire Hypnotist's excuse.

Kate leaves Nocturna pinned to the wall with the police on the way since Red Alice used a cell phone to stream Natalia's confession to Maggie Sawyer and/or some other cop like Bullock or something. Natalia continues to blame Kate as Kate walks out horrified at the entire ordeal. Maybe going into space and beating the shit out of some other woman will do her some good. Poor Morgaine is in for some serious projected aggression!

Beth and Kate have a heart-to-heart sisterly chat before Ragman appears and tells them they have more important things to deal with! So stop crying, forget about what happened, digest your sister's Through the Looking Glass quotes and get into space already!

Oh, an annual! That makes sense! I knew twenty pages weren't enough to end this thing. It took nearly that many to deal with the, ahem, alleged Vampire Hypnotism!

Batwoman #40 Rating: No change. Now that I can be a bit more serious in tone here in the Limbo area where my real review of the issue supposedly takes place but rarely does because I don't really care about legitimate reviewing, let's go back to that scene where Kate learns she's been hypnotized by Natalia and she realizes that she was hypnotized into having sex with her. Confused and still processing the event, Kate asks her rapist point blank, "You forced me to have sex with you?" Obviously Kate should realize at this moment that she was manipulated and raped and she doesn't need confirmation from her attacker. Natalia's comments are exactly what you would expect to hear from the rapist which makes her all the more terrible. This scene, without the outside controversy, actually makes sense and portrays Natalia as the monster Kate declares she is. But with the controversy and Marc Andreyko going on Twitter way back when to explain that Kate doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do and that the encounter wasn't rape, Natalia's comments just come across as Andreyko trying to explain away the rape. So a scene in which a woman's attacker piles blame onto her victim, a scene that I could believe would happen, just comes across as a petty attempt by the writer to prove that the rape never actually occurred. It's kind of mind-boggling. If I had any stake in Andreyko's writing, I'd say he wrote this scene correctly and it doesn't have anything to do with the outside controversy. But since I'm not his mother, I can't help but read it as a desperate attempt at damage control. Of course it's coming way too late! Most people that were disturbed by the rape scene dropped the book then and there, if not a few months earlier.

Anyway, I hope Batwoman can return soon without all of this drama packed up in her suitcases. Let's clean the slate and get her back to fighting crime alongside The Unknowns as soon as possible! Please?

Batwoman #39

Red Alice is finally here to murderfuck every face in the room!

Red Alice has that super hot look that says, "I'm not into men and even if I were, you'd be way beneath my standards." So irresistible!

Previously in this comic book, some fucking crazy shit was going down all over Gotham. A bunch of crazy characters were involved. And Kate Kane was having mega-sexy sex with Nocturna right on panel! Well, kind of on panel. Maybe I fantasized it. Let's see if this issue contains any more lesbian sex that I can male gaze up as much as possible, making it all about a man's erection!

I know! I pointed out how you're here to murderfuck! That's totally different! And sexy! And illegal in most European nations!

Kate is probably more worried about what Red Alice did to their father anyway. Murderfucking him would be wrong and icky. That might not even turn me on! No wait. I've thought about it for a second and it totally would.

Kate comes out of her bedroom looking so fucking adorable that it breaks my adorable meter. She says, "B-Beth? Its impossible." I guess she lost her apostrophe in Nocturna's sweet vanilla scented sphincter.

Is this Red Alice's schtick? She quotes Through the Looking Glass and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland all the time? Although I'm not sure "I'm not here to kill you" is a line from either novel! Although I can think of several occasions where Alice might have said it.

Next Nocturna comes out in an incredibly short robe and I have to take a masturbation break. Just kidding! I'm not into lesbians! I respect that their love making is not meant for my benefit and that it is an expression of love between two people just like everybody else's sexual exploits. Although all the other sexual encounters turn me on, so I'm just being myself when I wish for an on panel shot of Kate's face between Nocturna's thighs! I mean, if they were guys, that would be totally different because I was only into that during college that one or two or three times. Or however many times before I lost count. I mean, before I realized I totally wasn't into that because I was super heterosexual!

What's with the question mark shape on Kate's back?! Is that a shout out to Renee Montoya?!

This has always been my explanation for Kate and Nocturna's romance. Kate was just looking to cut loose after having her heart broken by Maggie. Or by herself, really, but whatever. Except all you naysaying jerks that wanted to ruin this adorably hot relationship had to run around with your hair on fire yelling, "The sky is raping! The sky is raping!" You guys are always looking for a reason not to have fun and to get to be righteously angry at somebody! Well no more! Kate and Nocturna are consenting fuck partners and that's the end of it! I mean, Nocturna did turn her into a vampire against her will and is manipulating her through the immortal blood but that's different somehow! Just shut up! I like seeing them kiss!

Nocturna and Red Alice start a whole daytime talk show drama filled screamfest until Kate yells at them in her vampire voice to knock it off. The art also takes a hit around this point. I think the inker might have changed! Anyway, Nocturna and Red Alice don't trust each other but they decide to play nice for Kate's sake. At least for now. Or at least in front of her.

Meanwhile, Clayface uses Ragman's computer to Google himself since he's lost his memory after being used as a mold for Morgaine. He discovers he was an insane murderer and doesn't like it much. I guess Ragman doesn't know Clayface's real name or else Clayface could check out his credits on IMDB while he's at the computer.

Showoff. He's just a Diet Spectre! Oh man. Jelyde is gonna be pissed at me for saying that!

This must be the part where the story catches the reader up on all of the other characters. So let's see what's happening with Jason Blood next.

Radhu! I didn't recognize you without the turban! I bet I won't recognize Uncle Harry either if he's not a pillow. Or Glenda without that thing she was known for.

It turns out Morgaine is waiting for Jason in his apartment with Etrigan gagged and bound at her feet. Are they almost in space?!

Morgaine has come in search of that rock that she winds up sticking in a satellite. But Ragman must have sensed injustice happening because he and Clayface call Batwoman to join them in staring into Jason Blood's rear window. At least the gang is finally all together. Now they just need to find a spaceship.

Morgaine practically said "fart."

Etrigan is so shaken up that he rhymes "blind" with "blind" while making no sense anyway, and then rhymes "death" with "death." Anybody can rhyme like that! Actually, anybody can rhyme anything. What is people's fascination with rhymed words? Rhyming is like the first thing you learn in school!

Anyway, Jason Blood disappears and Morgaine runs off to Slaughter Swamp to raise her army of dead mud creatures. Etrigan points out that they should probably chase her down or else the world is going to end and nobody wants it to end. That was a rhyme!

Batwoman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I get that this isn't anywhere near the same level of great that Batwoman was when it had those other people writing and drawing it. You know, whatever their names were. Blackguy and Prince William the Third. But I'm thoroughly enjoying this version of Batgirl as well. The other version was deep and profound and intimate and emotional. This version is simply fun super hero adventures. And as we all know, DC needs as many fun super hero adventures as they can get. Too bad it was at the expense of Batwoman the Urban Legend Killer.

Batwoman #37

Clayface loves watching vampires fuck.

Now that I'm writing sonnets and being all highbrowed and shit, I'm not sure I should have begun with the vampires fucking line. That could give the tenured professors I attracted to my blog the wrong idea about how intellectual I am! I'd better write another sonnet to get them back on my good side!

Sonnet #Clayface

Does anybody know where vampires fuck?
It's something that I really need to see.
This line ends with a word that rhymes with fuck.
This line should have a word that rhymes with see.

This stanza here is all about Clayface.
Also about the general state of man.
And woman too, of course; there's just no space
To be socially just in every scan.

Now where was I? Oh yeah! Clayface had just
Begun to mope about his life's lost zest,
And the love of his life and her big brust
(I'm sure that's some archaic word for breast).

A man of many faces might I be.
The one that matters most, you'll never see.

Holy fucking shit! I am a genius the likes of which the world has never seen! Sonnet #Clayface might be my best sonnet ever!

The strangest thing you've ever said? Please. Like you've never shouted, "Ram your beautiful blooming piss factory into my gaping maw so my eager pleasure muscle can bring your throbbing love button to an intense state of indescribable quivering ecstasy!"

Earlier in the night, Batwoman threatened a reporter or an ex-girlfriend or just some Nocturna hater. She doesn't want her vendettaing Natalia Mitternicht because that's her vampire girlfriend now. Or her vampire sex mistress. Or just some person that comes by to fuck Kate when she's blackout drunk and won't remember it in the morning. Which is probably a good thing since the act involves a lot of biting and bleeding and pacts to the dark mistress Satan.

Back at Jason Blood's house, Etrigan mentions how he never wants Jason Blood inside him ever again, and Jason Blood says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know who you've been talking to but I ain't into fucking animals." Then Etrigan begins to strangle him and then Batwoman enters and says, "Step away from the naked man." Hmm, I would have ended that with an exclamation point. But then I end over 90% of all of my sentences with one! See?

Meanwhile, some thieves take off with Ragman's Celtic cookie.

Does anybody else think the magic cookie has something to do with Etrigan's sudden appearance? Is that why the burned up cult guy recognized Jason Blood? Were they summoning Etrigan with the virginal sacrifice? I like to believe that scenario since Etrigan should be sharing time with some squatter in London, as seen in Stormwatch Number I don't remember the number (what am I? An editor?).

Really? Strained? Your insult would hold more weight if that were true but this is some of Etrigan's best rhyming so far in the whole New 52! Especially that crack against women! Ha ha! Cowards!

His rhyming later in the encounter gets significantly worse. I'm going to have to admit that Batwoman has a better ear for rhyme than I do. Although she later calls Etrigan's rhymes a "haiku" so maybe she doesn't know anything at all about poetry and rhyme. Perhaps she's simply gained powers of prognostication with the vampire blood now coursing through her so she heard his future rhymes before he rhymed them.

Batwoman and Etrigan manage to say enough during the fight so that they realize the true villains in the current scenario are the robed cult that summoned Etrigan from out of the British squatter. Batwoman learns the cult are trying to resurrect Morgan le Fay which Etrigan assures her is a bad idea. He really drives home the point by rhyming "all" with "all." I guess this quest will get them in contact with Ragman and his Morgan le Fay summoning cookie. But how will Clayface join the team?! And Beth! Or Alice? Whatever.

Clayface is captured by the Cookie Thieves. Easily. Jesus, Batman goes through so much trying to catch this guy and all he needed to do was refer to him as Mr. Karlo and appeal to his acting ability?

Etrigan sniffs vampire sex juice in Kate Kane's wig and points out that she might need a little mystic hoodoo to clean out her system. For the moment, at least, Kate and Natalia's link is broken. Darn. I hope that doesn't mean their relationship is over and now Kate is going to report Natalia to Maggie for sexual molestation and near cannibalism and breaking and entering and holding her hand in public and looking like the most adorable couple ever when they really weren't although come on! They were so cute together! They shouldn't end the relationship simply because it started out on the rape foot! Um, wrong foot! I mean, at the very least, can't we consider it was an ambiguous foot and all agree that they're too cute together to make a fuss about how they first got together?!

Can't everybody just agree for my sake to say, "You know, we're all kind of weirded out by the way Nocturna broke into Kate's apartment and took advantage of her while she was pretty drunk. But for Tess's sake, let's just look at the situation with a less critical eye. I mean, Nocturna did tell Kate that she wasn't Maggie. She didn't lie to her! Sure, Kate was still drunk but it was on wine and how blotto can one really get on wine, right? She was just a bit sleepy at first and thought, 'Oh, hey, Maggie wants to fuck.' But then her vision cleared and she saw it was hot, sexy Nocturna (who, by the way, said, 'I'm not Maggie') and said to herself, 'Oh yeah! I need this random hook-up to make me feel better about the mess I made with my relationship with Maggie. If that sourpuss doesn't want any of this anymore, I'm not going to lock it away in a no-sex-allowed vault!'" See? When you say it that way, I can have my way and you can all not feel angry! We're all much happier now!

Back at the Cookie Thieves' hideout, they shove the cookie inside Clayface and they and all their friends chant the magic Rune Chant.

Ta-da!

Batwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this comic book going to have enough time to get all of these characters back into space before the final issue?! I hope so! Unless the time it takes to tell that story doesn't allow for more pages of Kate and Natalia fucking because then I have to hope for the pages and pages of fucking.

Batwoman #36

Is that where Jason Blood has been all this time? At an AA meeting?

That symbol has a few more additions to the Alcoholic Anonymous symbol, so maybe this is Demonology Anonymous? Do people wear chains with this symbol around their neck and sometimes run into strangers who will notice the symbol and say, "Oh, are you a friend of Merlin's?" My guess is that Merlin started Demonology Anonymous after years of out of control grafting of demons onto human hosts. He finally realized he was powerless over summoning demons and that his life had become an unmanageable mess of demon summoning. Next, he came to believe that Madame Xanadu could restore him to sanity. Next he promised to turn his life over to Dog as he understood him, be it Terrier or Labradoodle or Cocker Spaniel or, most especially, Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Then he made up a bunch of bullshit steps until he had a list that seemed like he put a lot of work into improving his life and then wrote a book bragging about it which helped a lot of lonely, powerless, incompetent people. One of those people was Jason Blood. The rest of those people were probably all of the other people that fell victim to Merlin's demon summoning shenanigans.

Like last issue, this issue ignores how last issue ended. Although this one might be starting where last issue should have started according to the way the issue before last ended. So Batwoman looks even more vampiric than usual. She's also acting way more obsessive compulsive about cleaning up street crime by threatening to kill some taggers. That's a sign of vampirism as well as the pasty skin and the sharp teeth and the swank clothes.

As Batwoman wastes her time on some teenagers, some Demonology Anonymous members get fried when the girl they're sacrificing explodes. I think sacrificing a hot, young virgin is one of the twelve steps. Female virgin. Nobody wants to see a greasy male nerd tied to a mystic standing stone.

Why is this taking place in Starling City? Have you noticed now that The Flash has aired on The CW, Infantino has become a major thoroughfare as well?

Batwoman comes to her senses just in time to follow the Gotham Police to the accident at the Demonology Anonymous meeting. The Gotham Police seem to have a different attitude to Batwoman than they have with Batman. They simply let her stride about the crime scene making gagging noises and pretending like she knows what she's looking for as she waits around for Maggie Sawyer to show up. When Maggie does, Kate runs up to her and says, "Maggie! Maggie! Pay attention to me! Maggie! Maggie! I still love you! Maggie! Maggie! I didn't mean to fuck that vampire! Maggie! Maggie! I made all of your decisions for you because I wanted you to be happy! Maggie! Maggie! I probably should have trusted you to figure out your own problems but I'm a controlling jerk-off whose life has become unmanageable so I micromanage the lives of others at the expense of my own happiness!" Actually, she doesn't say that last thing because she hasn't made enough progress with her therapist yet.

Maggie smells vampire vagina on Kate's lips and pretty much tells her to fuck off.

One of the burnt-to-hell Demonology Anonymous members survives and recognizes the doctor in the emergency room as Jason Blood! When he touches him, Jason has a flashback to the best comic so far of The New 52.

Um. What is going on in that middle area?

Later, Natalia Mitternacht, secret vampire (only because the people of Gotham are so stupid they can't see what's right in front of their eyes (the only people dumber are the citizens of Metropolis!)), comes by Kate's apartment to take her out on a date. And even though I know it's totally cliche for a heterosexual male to get all worked up over two women kissing and touching, I'm still all worked up over it. Look at them! They're adorable! And fucking sexy! Plus I might be a little bit under their vampire spell.

I suddenly wish this comic book were rated Super Mature!

On their date, they run into Kate's therapist who is a little bit therapissed. Kate hasn't been around to see him ever since she got vampirized because vampires don't need to deal with their pasts. Unless they're one of Anne Rice's vampires and then whole chapters will be devoted to their gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the mistakes they made across the centuries. Another vampire that constantly worries about his past because he's a huge puss is Angel.

Meanwhile, Ragman buys the mystic doodad used to explode the virgin in the ceremony earlier in the night. He gets it at a steal for seven dollars and fifty cents! Unless he paid seven hundred and fifty dollars for it. Or maybe seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars for it? It's hard to tell with these Goddamned negotiators and their inability to ever actually say the exact dollar amount when making deals.

Later meanwhile elsewhere, Alice returns to Gotham. You know, Kate's sister Beth who calls herself Alice. Unless it's different.

And then we get the scene that makes Kate and Maggie's breakup well worth it! Good decision to not let her get married, Mr. Didio!

Although is it weird that Batman is standing in the room beating off? I mean, probably beating off. Why wouldn't he be? I am! Mostly because all of the blood reminds me of my old sex fantasies with Vampire Tig!

I just completely ruined that last scene, didn't I? It's like, here's a scene portraying a couple of lesbians doing what lesbians do best (other than dark poetry about swamps) and I have to rub my heterosexuality all over it! Now instead of an example of equal media representation of nonheteronormative lust mixed with gore, it's just a cum-covered example of the violent, blood-soaked male gaze of heteronormative media! Such a shame! Although I can't help it if heterosexual interests share a space on the Venn Diagram of Lust with lesbian interests! If my heterosexual cock were at a party and he struck up a conversation with a lesbian vagina, they'd find they have a lot in common! They'd probably become best friends! Platonic best friends, of course! Which would probably confuse my penis to no end.

Anyway, that sexy scene was Kate remembering the night she first fucked Nocturna. And she seems a bit freaked out by it. I don't know if the blood disturbed her more or the fact that Batman was watching.

Here's a sexy scene for the other group that shares a spot on the Venn Diagram of Lust!

Oh yeah! Work that shaft! Tease the head! Tease the head! Now smack those balls roughly on the back stroke! Grip it tight! Tighter! TIGHTE---UNH! Hunh. Hunh. Hunh. Oh yeah. Yeah. Sleepy time.

Etrigan interrupts Jason Blood while he's jerking it in the shower. Apparently they haven't seen each other in a long time although they recognize each other instantly. Will the magic that binds them spark to life now that they're in close proximity to one another and Jason's cock is throbbing wildly in the wind? I suppose they won't be able to resist merging.

Batwoman #36 Rating: Why did that comic book make me so horny?! It was terrific!

Batwoman #35

Whoops, Kate! Your fly is down!

Oh! Oh! I know who all of these unknowns are!

"Feet of Clay." Wonder Woman!
"We're all mad here." The Cheshire Cat!
Batwoman!
"The clothes make the man." George Zimmer!
"Hell breaks loose." Who cares? What I'm wondering is how many internet fuckdummies are confused by the phrase "Hell breaks loose"?

Internet Fuckdummy: "That doesn't make any sense? Hell breaks doesn't win? What looser let that mistake make the cover!"

Now when I call somebody an "internet fuckdummy," realize that I'm not calling out young people who have learned to read on the internet from other people with a scant hold on the English language themselves. My cousin who is in her fifties, who constantly posts on Facebook about grammar pet peeves and spells well and types beautifully coherent sentences, still invariably types "loose" when she means "lose." I have a feeling we've seen the last generation to spell "lose" with just one "o." At this point, it seems like one of those natural changes that the majority take as fact and thus the language is changed forever. The extra "o" is in the saddle and rides mankind's ass until it's raw and bleeding and mankind screams, "Okay! Okay! OOKAY!"

Also, should ye be one of those internet fuckdummies and think I'm being ridiculously harsh on you, remember this: we're all internet fuckdummies in our own way. Just, you know, some of us know how to spell "lose." Also, some of us know on which side of the quotation mark that previous period should have been. I, sadly, am not one of those people. Stupid interent fuckdummy. This issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit gazing on the most miraculous site she has ever sighted.

"My God. It's full of 'O's!"

Seeing that last issue ended with Batwoman, while wearing frilly little panties, being sexily bitten by a vampire, it makes sense that this issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit orbiting the Earth battling demons with a hodgepodge assortment of heroes and villains. Unless it makes the opposite of sense? Perhaps it's a mystery! A "MYSTERY IN SPACE!" That's the title of this issue although I think I'd quibble about calling where they're located in orbit as "space." Maybe "MYSTERY IN EARTH'S ORBIT" would be more accurate. Sure, you can call that space! I won't argue with you! But when somebody calls their comic book "MYSTERY IN SPACE," I'm expecting an adventure on alien planets in far off solar systems! Then you'd be able to argue that fighting in Earth's orbit is more of a "MYSTERY IN SPACE" than being on another planet even though that planet is located in a different part of space than our planet is located. That comic should probably be called "MYSTERY ON AN ALIEN PLANET."

Jesus Christ. I'm even beginning to annoy myself. Let's just find out why Etrigan is back, shall we?

I'm sure he does.

For those who don't know the poem, here's how it appears in Immortalia: An Anthology of American Ballads, Sailors' Songs, Cowboy Songs, College Songs, Parodies, Limericks, and Other Humorous Verses and Doggerel printed in 1927:

"There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'"

Here's another one from the same book that I rather enjoyed:

"There was an old lady named Tucket
Who went to hell in a bucket;
When she did get there
And they asked her for fare,
She lifted her skirts and said, 'Suck it!'"

Here's another classy bit from the book from a story called "The Night of the King's Castration":

"He had Daniel cast unto the lions. Any man would have died of fright but not Daniel, who boldly strode forth, grabbed a lion's left nut very tight, and mightily squeezed all his worth. Then the lion cried, 'Ouch, it tickles.' 'May I ask what tickles,' said Daniel. Said the lion, 'My dear boy, testicles,' and he laughed 'til he was dead."

Maybe I should change my blog name to Eee! Tess Tickles Chai Tea. Hmm, that might need a little work.

Wait! This story about the King's Castration is too good to not quote a bit more:

"And the king went to the locker where his private crapper stood, and he shit three pounds of butter--And earned the name of King Dairyass."

Why am I reading comic books? This story is so much better! Although the ending is rather weak:

"So then they had a foreskin race, where length and trigger-speed both counted. "Daniel! Come forth! said the king with his face--And Daniel came came fifth and lost the race!"

I don't get it! "Daniel came came fifth"? I think there is some kind of innuendo about Daniel coming on the king's face? Maybe?

Anyway, before I get back to Batwoman, how about one more of these artistic limericks, hmm?

"There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat."

Ah! American Literature at its finest! And now back to our regularly scheduled comic book!

Well, this might explain why Etrigan is involved. Although that doesn't explain why Etrigan called this Batwoman's quest.

Morgan le Fay manages to reduce Etrigan to a skeleton (which never finished him before!) and explode Clayface into millions of spheroids of mud (which never finished him before) while trying to place a green glowing rock into a satellite. She probably should have added the rock to the satellite before it launched. That's the easier way to send payloads into space. But then, she's a witch so she doesn't properly understand technology.

Batwoman stabs her with a piece of the satellite she vandalized while Clayface reforms and helps Ragman and Alice back on the shuttle. Batwoman retreats into the shuttle with the rest of them and they flee back toward Earth, running over Morgan le Fay on the way who manages to hold on to the windshield, cracking it up as they reenter the atmosphere. The issue ends with Clayface and Ragman covering Batwoman and Alice (Elizabeth?) with their bodies to protect them against the heat of reentry.

Although, I think they forgot to remove the glowing stone from the satellite. That might be a problem! Although if it is a problem, we won't know about it for at least two issues since it looks like next issue will explain what the fuck just happened here.

Batwoman #35 Rating: No change. It gets lots and lots of pluses for the cast and the adventure! But it gets lots and lots of minuses for telling the story the way it was told! I don't totally mind having a story begin like this and eventually get around to explaining how things led to this point. But it's a bit weird to have it done after the way Issue #34 ended. It's too jarring having one story end with a vampire bite cliffhanger only to have another story begin in mid-space (orbit!) battle! Traditional ways of telling stories are traditional for a reason! Because white, straight people made them that way and we should all try to be more like white, straight people! Unless it's for some other reason. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Here, have another limerick before I go:

"I love her in the evening gown,
I lover her in her nightie;
But when moonlight flits
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ, almighty!"

Futures End #11

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KISS YOU NOW!"

The Non-Certified Spouse sent me a link to this Salon article yesterday because she wanted me to vomit, I suppose. Salon is one of those sites I can't stand even though I've probably read less than a handful of articles on it over the years. I just don't like news sites or pseudo-news sites or editorial sites masquerading as news sites or entertainment sites that I mistakenly call news sites. They're usually 90% advertisements which slow down my browser and remind me that suicide is always an option. But I went to read this article yesterday and it was one of the most self-congratulatory pieces I think I've ever read in my entire 532 year life of living darkness. I implore you all to read the entire thing even though the title and subtitle say it all.

I'm Sorry For Coining the Phrase "Manic Pixie Dream Girl"
In 2007, I invented the term in a review. Then I watched in queasy disbelief as it seemed to take over pop culture
By Nathan "I'm Sorry For Being Such A Pop Culture Genius That I Broke the Internet" Rabin

I understand being excited about creating a phrase that you subsequently see used over and over again by the masses. Don't forget, I was the one that came up with the term "onstage masturbation cage." Instead of writing a falsely apologetic article for creating a term that has been embraced by people in a way you didn't want it to be embraced, Nathan should have just written an article entitled, "I Wrote This Article To Mention How Cameron Crowe Knew My Name!" Then the main body of the article should have just been a picture of himself naked in a cage on a stage masturbating into his own mouth.

Oh wait! I just realized that this is when I coin the phrase "onstage masturbation cage!" Being a time traveler of living darkness tends to screw with my memories a bit. Anyway, the phrase describes the place where people call attention to themselves so they can apologize for something they did simply to remind everybody of that thing they did. Example: "Jesus fucking Christ? Is Nathan Rabin back inside his onstage masturbation cage?!"

I don't want to go through the whole process of registering at urban dictionary, so somebody that's already registered there, please enter "onstage masturbation cage" with my definition and example, okay? Thanks!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, here's an essay I just wrote:

I'm Sorry For Being So Good At The Internet
By Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP! EJACULATE! GUZZLE GUZZLE GUZZLE GUZZLE! BOW!

Okay, enough of that! Let me get out of my onstage masturbation cage and begin reading Futures End.

Grifter's sidekick whom we haven't seen since issue one (I believe), Justin, has finally decided that Grifter is officially missing. The plan when Grifter goes missing is to head down the street to where Voodoo hangs out, just where I said she'd be about ten commentaries ago.

Although I thought she'd be stripping. This is better.

Why wasn't Justin in the Grifter comic book when it was restarted for The New 52? I think I would have liked the book better if he'd had a nerdy sidekick helping him to kill aliens during the week and to play Dungeons and Dragons with on the weekends. I wonder if I can convince somebody at DC to use my game, Places and Predators, as the standard replacement for when they want to mention someone plays Dungeons and Dragons? And by "someone," I mean "Batman."

Meanwhile in Deepest Space, Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst are searching for the last living member of Stormwatch. I hope as they search, they learn something about the big menace from space because in monthly comic book years, Futures End has already lived nearly a year with no mention of an Evil Mr Smarty Pants (aside from Mister Terrific and Brother Eye who aren't really threats yet anyway).

While on the trip, we learn that Frankenstein doesn't have a sense of humor which is why he thinks Milton Berle was a poet. What a dumb dumb head!

Speaking of Milton Berle, it was kind of an urban legend about Soupy Sales that generated my blog name! He supposedly said, "If you see Kay," on his kids show. I don't remember when I first heard that but then years later, my friend Pickle Boy was trying to tell me how genius Britney Spears was for coming up with the song "If You Seek Amy." Granted, I like that better than "if you see Kay," but it doesn't make her a genius for coming up with something that's already been out there for decades! Anyway, I wanted my own "if you see Kay," so I came up with "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea." It's not as elegant but then I never claimed to be as smart as the urban legend version of Soupy Sales!

Speaking of poets like Milton Berle and Soupy Sales, my favorite poets are Louis CK and pretty much all the other poets in the Comedians of Comedy movie (which really should have been called Poets of Poetry). The best part of that movie is when the poets shop at my local comic book store!

Anyway, Hawkman crashes their ship almost immediately.

After surviving a free fall crash from orbit, it would be really embarrassing to die of smoke inhalation.

Frank probably doesn't need to worry about smoke but where there's smoke, there's FIRE! FIRE! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHH! BAD! BAD! FIRE!, so he should probably get out of the ship too.

They exit the ship to find that they've landed in some kind of metal crater. I hope they're on the home of The Cancelator so I stop being completely bored by this crap! Or, and this will satisfy me as well, a long, hot, steamy sex scene between Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst. Come on, DC. Let's shatter mainstream comic book expectations!

Although now that I've sat here and thought about the sex scene for the last few hours while forgetting about everything else I was doing, I wonder if Frank has a penis? If he doesn't have one, Hawkman can just cut off his and sew it onto Frank. Then Hawkman will just wait for the Nth metal to regrow his penis, and it's "Hello Sex City, Here We Come!"

Does Hawkman's Nth metal grow back every part of his body that was ever lost? That would mean he's definitely uncircumcised (which I expect is already the truth since I suspect every other race in the universe found a much more pleasant way of dealing with smegma). But does it mean his wisdom teeth keep crowding back into his mouth? What about his tonsils? Appendix? Anal hymen? That's a thing, right?

Back on Earth, The Mighty, Mighty, Morphin' Anger Ranger makes his debut outside ancient, forgotten ruins.

While the Justice League should probably be dealing with the new maniac in the Madagascar Sea, they're instead kidnapping civilians from strip clubs. The civilian in question is Ronnie Raymond and he was probably in a strip club to prove to himself that he's interested in putting his pee-pee inside a woman's vee-vee. He's not interested in that but he's desperate to convince himself he is because he and his life partner, Jason Rusch, have recently had a serious falling out.

So immature how he refers to "doing it" as "merging"!

Ronnie Raymond comes clean about being busy "with a girl" when Green Arrow was getting killed. I still think it's ridiculous that anybody is trying to blame him for Green Arrow's death! How about putting a little responsibility on the guy that goes to war armed only with a bow and arrow against foes with super powers? How about blaming The Flash for not getting their fast enough? Or Madame Xanadu for not seeing this future? Or Superman for not saving everybody always? How about blaming the person that actually killed Green Arrow?! I'm fairly certain a super hero that needs to merge two regular people is the last person on the list you can blame for not getting somewhere on time. Unless the two people were conjoined twins. Then there's no excuse for them not changing into Firestorm and getting the job done.

Raymond leaves the Justice League declaring emphatically that he's not gay and never will be. It's time for the team to find another Firestorm. That shouldn't be so hard! Remember how many Firestorms existed in the beginning months of The New 52?! Practically every country had one! There's got to be one still out there somewhere.

Futures End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying this comic book because it's weekly and it can keep up a pace that kind of slowly gets to the point of things. I suppose the writers have to carefully pace the story so that whatever needs to happen before September happens at just the right time. I think "just the right time" means the last Wednesday of August! Also, I can't wait until a few years from now when I can write an article entitled, "I'm Sorry For Inventing The Phrase "Onstage Masturbation Cage."

Joker's Daughter #1

I have never read a Joker's Daughter story before. I'm glad it's going to be written by such a skilled auteur.

Here's my prediction about this story: misfit, rebel, outside society's norm girl hates her parents and everybody and stomps around in big boots being angry. She finds The Joker's Face floating in the Gotham Reservoir, puts it on, and gains her new identity! Nobody is going to tell her how to live her life now! Fuck 'em all! Plus, she decides to go live underground because why the fuck not? At least nobody down there will keep asking, "Why are you wearing a mask made out of human skin?"

Score! Girl that didn't fit in in the suburbs runs away to the sewers. That was an easy one, though. Cliché and Nocenti go hand in hand.

At least the artist on this one is attempting to make Ugly Cat look ugly! Although it might be a bit too Gollum-like here. And where the fuck did she find a C-3PO head? Is it actually a Star Wars figure carrying case? I preferred the Darth Vader head carrying case myself. But that's because nobody ever bought me the AT-AT so I could just shove them all inside that.

Even though I already knew Ann Nocenti would be writing this issue, I would have been able to guess just from her writing style in the dialogue between Joker's Daughter and Ugly Cat. I'm not sure how to describe Nocenti's dialogue style except as "not human." It's as if somebody programmed a Commodore 64 to try to make small talk with strangers and it's really doing it's best be understood.

I'm not sure The Joker's Daughter actually knows the real history of The Nethers or she just believes the rumors she's heard. She seems to believe that The Nethers was flooded to make way for the Gotham Reservoir while citizens who refused to move were still just going about their daily lives. Although it is Gotham. I suppose if I wanted to believe it, I could easily believe some corrupt officials gave the go ahead knowing that people were still living down there. But it just feels like The Joker's Daughter is the kind of person that lives their life via their confirmation bias. Flooding innocent people is the sort of thing Up Worlders would do because they're shallow, selfish assholes. She wants to believe she doesn't fit in not because she's regularly snotty and a jerk to most people but because they're clique-loving dicks that have never given her a chance.

My confirmation bias is that I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing so I'm not going to give The Joker's Daughter the benefit of the doubt with regards to the truth of anything she says. She's just a spoiled brat that probably got grounded from Facebook for a weekend and she wasn't going to put up with that! Fuck them all! They'll see how wrong they were when she disappears underground with her ugly cat and they never see her again!

Score! Big boots! But what rebellious young girl doesn't wear big boots, right? I love them!

Only Ann Nocenti could get me to turn on an anti-social young teenager just trying to escape the system and stick it to the man. I'm not even giving The Joker's Daughter a chance because I can't stand Nocenti's writing! Although I do like Ugly Cat. But I hate that The Joker's Daughter calls it Ugly Cat! I thought she was above judging things by their appearances?

Score! She hates her parents! I wonder if Nocenti believed she was writing a character that would be a Champion for Young Girls everywhere who didn't feel like they fit in. As if anybody feels that way.

After Joker's Daughter surfaces, some kids throw rocks at her and call her ugly. The Joker's Daughter believes that they'll stop being cruel to her if she finds a mate. Then nobody will think she's ugly! But for once, one of Ann Nocenti's female characters doesn't want a partner in her life! Maybe there's hope for The Joker's Daughter after all! Unless she decides that she wants Catwoman as her partner so that she'll be accepted among the shallow, rock-throwing assholes.

And, lastly, score! These correct speculations all feel so hollow, though. They were all just so obvious.

One thing I'm glad to see is The Joker's Daughter didn't disappoint me with just how shallow she is. Rejecting conventional society does not automatically make a person more profound, more insightful, or smarter than those that don't reject it. Sometimes it just makes you a different kind of asshole. There's a difference between being oneself and acting in a rebellious manner. With The Joker's Daughter's declaration that "ugly is the new beautiful," I see that she is just another shallow twat.

The Joker's Daughter was just coming up to the surface to trade or look for some food or books. But now she's suddenly ready to hold a bloody revolution because she sees one dick treating his partner like shit. Obviously that means everybody else acts in the same manner because she's the only person capable of breaking out of society's shackles and thinking on her own.

I hate her so much!

But not as much as I hate Nocenti's plots!

So now apparently enough fairly normal people escape Arkham on a continual basis to create this tribal society where women are handed out like gift bags.

I have a feeling that the editors gave Ann Nocenti this mythical Gotham Underworld to fuck around with so that she wasn't fucking up Gotham at street level with her stupid Penguin and Rat-Tails Gang Wars. Once Ann Nocenti stops writing for DC, Gotham can have another cataclysm which will collapse the Underworld for good and destroy anything that Nocenti had created.

The Joker's Daughter's story that she's going to tell this man is The Lysistrata. I think that means she's going to institute some kind of plan that results in the men walking around with gigantic erections and the women going out of their mind from lack of sex. Or something. But the first part of her plan is to use her half-moon to burn a gigantic smile on the man's face. So that was why she just had to pick up the crescent moon on the way to the surface! It was awkwardly placed in the narrative that I really didn't know what the fuck to say about it.

The Joker's Daughter tries to overthrow Charon the leader but winds up being beaten by him because he's good looking.

Christ. It's like Nocenti is making excuses why one sex should rule over another.

Patriarchy. Matriarchy. Who fucking cares? Nocenti has already set up the history of this place as if the women couldn't possibly have built the tunnels or done the hunting or fixed everything up. "Naturally" the men did that! So now they get to sit back and relax and have the women wait on them. How about not switching from the rule of one sex over the other but just allowing people to do the things they're best at and the things they want to do. Can a guy cook in this society? Can he raise the children? Why can't a woman go about fixing things? Who the fuck cares who does what? Stop with the pendulum swinging, Charon! It doesn't have to be one way or the other.

Fuck it. I don't know who to be angry at anymore. I think I'm just mad at Ann Nocenti for constantly writing stereotypical, cliché bullshit.

The Joker's Daughter (Duela is her name. I remember that from somewhere. But damned if I can remember any previous encounters in my comic book life with The Joker's Daughter) lies to Charon about her childhood. She was a lot like The Ventriloquist in that she was ugly as a baby and it shocked everyone. I have no idea how people tell when a baby is ugly. They're all fucking ugly for the first few weeks. Maybe longer! But she did weird and impossible things like trapping spiders in light bulbs. So it was off to the insane asylum to try to make her normal! Goddamn fascist parents trying to cure her of her mental illness where she believes she can trap spiders in light bulbs! Crazy! She also loved to cut up her face and that's not really very healthy. She also brought in stray dogs that probably had more rabies than love. So I guess her parents were assholes because they wouldn't allow her to keep putting her own life in danger. Jerks.

Duella's mom was twelve years old.

None of Duella's story matches up with her first declaration that she only survived her idiot parents by hiding in books. I know she's offering lies to Charon but it feels like these are lies that she tells because she wants to believe them (and maybe even does believe them). Which make her earlier statement about her parents being idiots incongruous.

Oh, it's probably just me and my Anti-Nocenti bias! I bet this is actually a really terrific story on its own!

The Joker's Daughter gives Charon his Joker Face after he goes all Jesus on her. And then the men appear to declare they want the women to run things because they're tired of fighting to hold on to their power. Oh bullshit. They just want the women to do more work! Now they'll all just sit around and shrug their shoulders and say, "Hey, you're in charge. You fucking deal with it." And The Joker's Daughter thinks she's changed things! Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I hate this comic book.

The Joker's Daughter #1 Rating: I already told you I hate this comic book! Now leave me alone!