Detective Comics #957

Let's all read a bad comic! Let's all read a bad comic! Let's all read a bad comic! And curse James Tynion V!

That wasn't a typo in the caption. I'm like the Old Testament God. I never fucking waste my time cursing the person who did the terrible thing. Who wants to punish the person who deserves the punishment? No, better to curse the descendants of the jerko who looked at his father naked and drunk, or the jerko who ate the fruit God was saving for himself? I'd rather curse James Tynion's future child. And being that he'll be named James Tynion V, my guess is that the curse will manifest in many, many schoolyard beatings.

Today, I read Action Comics #980 and thought, "Was this written by a robot that has no knowledge of anything past 1986?" Then I read Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #21 and thought, "I totally called that Sarko was Kyle and Soranik's child. I am the greatest comic book reader that ever lived! Is that something that people actually aspire too? Has anybody else that has ever aspired to that been less pretentious than me? I don't mean arrogant! Obviously I'm arrogant since I'm constantly pointing out how I guessed the plot like three pages into the first part of every six part story. But I'm not writing comic books reviews that make me seem like the smartest person on Earth. Quite the opposite, actually!" That was a pretty long thought! I usually don't let them get that long before I lose interest. But later, I had another thought about Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #21! It went like this: "Why is Kyle so fucking sad that his child from a future that will now never happen was killed? Does he cry about every dying sperm whenever he ejaculates outside of a vagina?"

After that, I began reading Detective Comics #957 and I thought, "This is so terrible that I have to express myself!" So I farted onto the comic book. Then I thought, "Oh wait! I have an even better way to express myself! I'll go online!" Then a chorus of angels descended and sang Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah while I retreated to find a flyswatter.

Some of you may not have noticed the trend to portray Batman as complete and utter asshole who does everything wrong because he's ultimately a symbol of the patriarchy. He's been in control of Gotham for far too long and certain mediocre writers (whom I won't name IV!) have decided it's time to make him look bad. Now I've never been a huge Batman fan but I'm still going to try to defend him from the terrible way he's currently being portrayed in this comic book.

This issue begins with Spoiler, a youth (that's important to the story because youths never know as much as they think they know! Oh, sure! They'll argue with me about that and tell me I'm a huge asshole but someday in their mid-thirties while texting their mother an eggplant emoji, they'll suddenly think, "Oh my god. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was right! I was such an ignorant jerk! And I probably should have worn stronger deodorant!") who thinks she's figured it all out. So she's going to explain it to the reader.

Before we examine her theory, I'd just like to point out that her theory is predicated on James Tynion IV's knowledge of DC comic book history and how comic books are constantly telling the middle of the story (the origin gets told and retold occasionally and sometimes somebody will get to write a "fantasy" final arc story. But generally, it's a middle arc story). So Spoiler's theory of Batman is entirely unfair and unwarranted. Anybody can point to Batman being a complete failure if they look at the comic book pattern and apply it as if it's actual Gotham history. Joker is caught. Joker escapes. Joker challenges Batman. People die. Joker gets caught. Joker escapes. Joker challenges Batman. People die. Joker is caught. Between each "Joker is caught and escapes episode," we get the same arcs but with Penguin or Two-Face or The Riddler. So before Spoiler tells us readers what we already know, I just wanted to point out that it's meta-bullshit that Batman cannot be blamed for. Unless you're a writer with a grudge against the Patriarchy. I mean Batman! Who doesn't have a grudge against the Patriarchy, amirite?! Fucking dudes, man! Pshaw!

Anyway, Spoiler believes every thing is Batman's fault because he's fighting crime all wrong. See, he has become so adept at stopping crime the criminals now think they have to battle Batman first to prove that Gotham City is theirs. Not only is this a stupid theory that assumes all of the villains are delusional idiots who think they're going to beat Batman, it also relies on years of lazy writers completely fucking up the idea of superheroes. Of course Batman is to blame if every single lazy writer has decided that the bad guy isn't going to do anything except try to get revenge on Batman. But again, that's not Batman's fault!

Spoiler believes that the Bat-Signal is at the heart of the problem. People see it in the sky, they know Batman is on the job so they stop being responsible for their own lives. I guess Spoiler just believes in a world where everybody is a stupid piece of shit. "Oh! The Bat-Signal! Well, I guess I don't have to worry about my own safety tonight!" I have yet to see The Spoiler that people were so eager to get back into the DC Universe. If this is her, I hate her and everybody who wanted her back.

This right here is at the heart of what's wrong with the modern age of comic books. Superheroes are supposed to be inspiring! They're supposed to save people. Fuck this cynical bullshit where dozens of people die while the hero saves the day after which their relatives become super villains and blame the heroes. Then they attack the heroes and keep the cycle going because writers are lazy and/or think they're being clever by questioning things like "What if Superman had to fight in the real world instead of a stupid made-up world where he saves the day and makes people happy and causes readers to feel better about their lives and the world around them through the hope and inspiration of their actions?"

If I hadn't read so many James Tynion IV stories in which Batman was portrayed as being wrong while his youthful sidekicks all knew what was right and how to do things better, I might just think, "Spoiler will surely learn a lesson here! At the end, she'll be thinking Batman is the bee's knees!" But I'm fairly certain this will end with Spoiler proving something to Batman while Batman eats crow and admits he could probably be a better person. Because that's what the Patriarchy should be doing, right?! Shutting up and listening! Although I don't know how they can shut up and just listen if the shit they have to listen to is akin to the shit coming out of Spoiler's mouth in this comic book.

By declaring she's no longer a superhero, Spoiler decides that her way is better and it'll allow her to save people from becoming innocent victims of Batman's war on crime.

After Spoiler Narration Boxes her speech to whomever the fuck she's speaking, it's time for Wrath to do the same thing! He's also going to explain how Gotham City works and he's going to agree a bit with Spoiler. He agrees that the first thing you have to do as a super villain is to defeat Batman. You can come up with a criminal plan after that!

Wrath is the anti-Batman. He's usually used in Batman comic books to show what Batman could have become if he allowed himself to use the tragedy in his life as an excuse. I bet this time he'll be used to show that there isn't really any difference between Wrath and Batman at all!

Even as I was typing that, I was thinking, "Don't type that! That's such a stupid conclusion to make! There's not way even James Tynion IV would write that story!"

You mean you attempt to solve the hardest problem first and then you spend the next few years in Arkham Asylum wondering why you just didn't rob a bank on Staten Island.

At the beginning of the Wrath scene, he kills one of his own men. Later, he threatens to kill one at random for every minute they go over a deadline he gives them. Who would work for this asshole? The pay and benefits must be unfathomably generous!

So you constantly lose? Because there's no way you got through the level of Arkham Asylum that I grew bored with and quit because you have to be stealthy or you start over! And I'm fairly certain some levels of Thief, even when playing on the "Oops! I've been noticed and have to now murder an entire castle full of guards!" difficulty still forces you to be stealthy on some levels.

That previous caption was where I exceeded my "This comic isn't too bad!" threshold and decided I needed to vent.

Spoiler continues to mention how so many innocents got hurt due to Batman and his Bat-Family stopping crime. She thinks (or Narration Boxes, actually), "Who's there to stop my friends when they go too far?" Um, you could be, you coward. She continues, "To say how many losses are acceptable?" Have you met Batman? Zero losses are acceptable! I mean, you know, in Bat-Theory! If anybody dies, it's not because Batman did something that caused their death. It's because somebody else did something that caused their death and Batman wasn't able to save them. I suppose in the world I described earlier where lazy writers only ever have villains attack Batman directly, you can, if you want to be a dick about it, put the blame on Batman. But once more: that's not Batman's fault! It's the fault of shitty writers!

Spoiler's conclusion is that super heroes brought about super problems. Fuck you, you idiot. This is the worst hot take in comic books and it has continued to hang around for decades. Writers who continue to use this trope should be shunned from the comic book community.

Spoiler is all, "I'm going to use my super training to prove that Gotham doesn't need superheroes!" And Batman will, hopefully, be all, "Fuck you, dummy!"

The last story arc was to show that Cassandra was better than Batman. This one is to show that Spoiler is better than Batman. How is she better? I'm not exactly sure since she takes out Wrath pretty much exactly how Batman would have taken him out. I mean, if Batman were being written by somebody who didn't have a grudge against the Patriarchy. I mean Batman! I suppose Tynion's Batman would have exploded all of the walls and toppled the building with his raging hard-on to battle Wrath and all of the hostages would have died. Afterward, Batman would have been all, "It's a shame that Wrath killed so many and it wasn't my fault at all! I had to stop him by any means necessary!" Which totally isn't a Batman thing to do so I don't actually know how Spoiler thinks her version of stopping Wrath was better than the way Batman, being written honestly, would have done it.

Spoiler's entirely plan is to save the day and let the police take the credit. So she's trusting that the police will be dishonest bastards who lie about their jobs? That's a great message! Anyway, she somehow thinks that if super villains think the cops are stopping all the crime, they won't want to do crime anymore! Especially since — thanks, again, to the lazy writers — all they actually want to do is beat up super heroes. She'll see how stupid her plan is when super villains continue to do whatever they want (even more so!) when they think all the heroes have left Gotham.

Anarchy shows up at the end to be all, "That was great! What a great idea! This story wasn't stupid at all! Spoiler isn't a terrible character with stupid thoughts after all!" That's when I throw up. The end!

Action Comics #47

Obviously Wrath should be called "Fivefingers" or "One-Face."

Last issue, Wrath tried to convince Superman that her plan to infect everybody with Black Angry Heroin was benevolent. I'm assuming that this issue, Superman gets out a dictionary and reads the definition of "wrath" to Wrath and then suggesting some names she could have considered that would have made her more trustworthy. I don't know what those words would be because it was really the way she secretly went about her plan that mostly proves she's a lying butthole. Especially the part where all the Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors were trying to destroy Superman rather than trying to feed the hungry or hand out blankets and free feminine hygiene products to the homeless. But I get it. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is burn shit the fuck down without worrying what anybody else thinks or what's going to replace the now burnt down shit. I mean, it's not really productive and it's actually more like a tantrum but you have to admit that sometimes tantrums work!

I also forgot that last issue ended with Superman about to battle Frankenstein! That's like the battle everybody has been waiting for!

Swing your sword and not your fist, dum-dum!

Oh! That's why Superman is suddenly battling Frankenstein. For the "monster" metaphor! See how it works? Superman looks human so everybody thinks, "Oh! He's a good guy! He's white and male and he protects us because we can't protect ourselves! Go Superman!" I mean, not currently. Currently everybody thinks Superman is a monster. But let's pretend Wrath is still trying to convince the world that Superman is a monster and that her job wasn't already done for her by Lois Lane (or, more probably, some kind of mass mind control). Frankenstein looks like a decaying corpse stitched together by a madman which is pretty much the definition of monster especially when you take into account all of the assholes screaming at me right now that it's not "Frankenstein" but "Frankenstein's Monster" which--as you can see!--has "monster" right in the name! But here's the even deeper twist that you probably didn't have time to think about because you tore straight into the comic book to see who wins the battle. Wrath's point is that Frankenstein looks like the real monster here but guess what?! He's actually a sensitive poet! Can you believe that?! Something so hideous can actually be super emotional and into writing poetry?! If that's the case (and it totally is because remember junior high, you poetry writing monster?) then that means Superman could actually be a sociopath (and it totally probably is because he's a white man in a position of power!)!

If you say something enough times, it becomes proof of itself! I totally believe Superman is a monster now!

Because Superman hasn't heard he's a monster enough times to believe it yet, Wrath decides it's time to tell Superman her secret origin. Then maybe he'll believe all of the stupid bullshit she's been spouting!

Wrath's story is how she grew up in poverty which drove her to become a lawyer so she could help people. But then Brainiac took part of Metropolis and put it in a bottle and she couldn't do anything about that. Only Superman could and yet he didn't (For dramatic purposes, we'll forget that he recovered the city later) which totally means he's a bad person because her mother was killed in the incident. To be fair, Wrath doesn't become a super villain at that moment because she still wants to work with Superman when she becomes mayor. But that's when Superman contracted the Doomsday Virus and, once again, defeated Brainiac. But he was much scarier this time because he physically looked like a monster which is probably when Wrath's brain said, "Hey! Look at that! He's a monster!"

To be fair to Wrath, I've been screaming about this for a long time now. When writers can't figure out a way to challenge Superman, they turn Superman against himself via mind control or magic or Apokolyptian energy or an alien virus or a Joker toxin. Writers might think they're just providing an exciting story for a few issues but they're really damaging the character. Because now stupid fucking story arcs like this one can come along where idiots who think Superman is an actual monster and not a hero have proof that Superman is dangerous. Superman should be a beacon of hope and trust. Stop fucking turning him into the bogeyman because now I have to read stories where bad writers continue your fucking thought for you. And the people now afraid of Superman aren't wrong to be afraid of him because he's always out of control! I hate that Batman's idea of Superman is constantly proven correct! Knock it the fuck off. Who do we have to blame for this? Is it Miller's Dark Knight Returns? Whatever the case, I'm sick of it.

I bet I'll be bored with Superman in just a few months if he's written as a beacon of hope though!

Supergirl did have a penchant for punching people in the face. And Superboy was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon. And the other guy is...Zod, I guess? He was a threat in Superman Loves Wonder Woman for a bit!

See? Kryptonians are jerks who need to be stopped by any means necessary! I'm totally on Wrath's side now! Thanks a lot, past writers of The New 52 for making her horrible argument make sense!

Wrath finishes her argument by explaining how she got her power from Vandal Savage which completely ruins everything she said previously! If Vandal Savage is your Yoda, you're the bad guy!

Superman continues to fight against Wrath and her plan to turn everybody into raging Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors. So Wrath's next move is to prove to him that he's a monster by showing how his friends react to him!

Oh yeah! Look at that! Superman surprises the shit out of Jimmy by suddenly materializing in his apartment and Jimmy is shocked! Superman is scary! Point to Wrath!

Superman's plan to beat Wrath is to stop trying to fight Wrath and just accept his rage or something. I don't know. It's the same plan he's been using in every fucking story Greg Pak has written. Embrace his fear. Embrace his anger. Embrace his sadness. Hey Greg? Next time, can you at least jerk me off with a different hand?

Superman absorbs all of the shadow power everywhere and saves the day angrily! Vandal Savage happens upon the scene and doesn't like that his Angry Black Semen is being used for good so he takes it all back and puts it into his little box. He shoves Wrath in their for good measure because she failed him. And Superman is back to normal! I mean, normal in that he still has no powers and no spit curl and no cape and no character and no likeability factor and no reason for existing.

Action Comics #47 Rating: No change. The art was horrible. It was the worst part of this comic book! Oh, it was definitely a photo finish between the writing and the art but I'd have to give with win to the art. And by win I actually mean loss. Although the real loser is me because I paid $3.99 for this shit. I hate myself.

Batwoman #40

Bye bye, best super hero team ever!

Batwoman and her gang of hoodlums only have one issue left to get into space so that they can catch up to their story where they fell out of space. I don't think it can be done in twenty pages! Maybe this issue will end with everybody boarding a rocket! Which could mean that they all really did burn up upon reentry way back in Issue #35. Then they probably went to hell where Etrigan can put them up for a year or so until they can all find their way out.

If getting into space and then resolving the story from the point where the team returned from space seems like too much to cover in just twenty pages, then how is there going to be any room left over for more sexy creepy, passionate emotionally abusive relationship scenes between Kate and Natalia? I'm pretty sure they need to fuck break up this issue once Kate realizes she's horny she's been hypnotized by short robes and lacy under garments a vampire all of this time. Such a cute gross relationship, amirite?

While Morgaine realizes she needs to get her powerful pet rock into space where it can transform the world into a new Avalon, Kate learns that Natalia's step-daughter has been found murdered! And by step-daughter, I mean the daughter of the man that Natalia married and murdered for his money and who probably would never actually want to be referred to as Natalia's any kind of daughter. Kate suddenly begins having flashes of images that seem to indicate she killed this woman. Of course she's being set up by Natalia and it's all part of the Vampire Hypnotism game (aka rape if you're not a standard issue Universal Monster. Although the Mummy has always been vocally against monsters committing acts of "Vampire Hypnotism." It's just nobody can understand him with all the bandages in his mouth. Frankenstein, too busy trying to quiet the rumors of pedophilia, never had any comments on the subject). Kate needs to find out some answers so she visits Natalia to get this whole thing resolved before getting to the space fight against Morgaine.

Red Alice follows along because she loves her sister and wants to save her. Contrariwise, she might just hate Natalia and wants to ruin her. I don't have a coin nearby with a scar on it (I left it in the other room), so I'll have to remain indecisive about Red Alice's motivations. In the end it doesn't matter because she's going to break up the relationship or become a vampire trying.

Wait. Is this sex or violence?

While Beth tries to convince Kate that she isn't really a vampire or into Natalia's hot little body in the least, Morgaine breaks into STAR Labs to steal a rocket ship. But that's boring so let's get back to the big break-up!

Kate refuses to bite Beth in the neck. Or maybe she tried for a second off panel while the scene was following Morgaine and she realized her normal human teeth have a much tougher time biting into neck arteries than nice, pointy vampire teeth. So, due to the scene cut, it's kind of ambiguous when she says, "I can't!" Unless it isn't. I'm not very good at reading comic books. I still think Kate and Natalia are a super adorable couple!

Vampire Hypnotism Apologist! You're just contributing to Vampire Hypnotism Culture, Beth!

But wait! The real break-up scene is yet to come! That's the next page where Marc Andreyko decides to write a scene defending his story to the critics instead of writing an actual break-up scene between Kate and Natalia!

Marc: "See? It wasn't rape, you twits! It was just all part of Kate Kane's horribly damaged psyche! Readers on the internet are so dumb!"

Well, that explains that! Can't argue with the Vampire Hypnotist telling her victim that she wasn't Vampire Hypnotized at all! "You wanted it, Batwoman! You were begging for it!" Totally sounds consensual and not anything like Vampire Hypnotism to me. I'm sure glad the alleged Vampire Hypnotist put it all into context like this and pointed out how the victim was...I don't want to say "to blame"...um..."responsible" for the alleged act of Vampire Hypnotism.

This scene would have been so much better if Kate had just been, "You Vampire Hypnotized me? Why you fucking bitch!" Then she could have clawed out Natalia's eyes and scooped out her ovaries through her vagina. No wait. That's probably going too far! Although what happens next is kind of close!

I think Andreyko should have just gone from the "You hypnotized me?" to this scene and skipped that whole part where he gave voice to the Vampire Hypnotist's excuse.

Kate leaves Nocturna pinned to the wall with the police on the way since Red Alice used a cell phone to stream Natalia's confession to Maggie Sawyer and/or some other cop like Bullock or something. Natalia continues to blame Kate as Kate walks out horrified at the entire ordeal. Maybe going into space and beating the shit out of some other woman will do her some good. Poor Morgaine is in for some serious projected aggression!

Beth and Kate have a heart-to-heart sisterly chat before Ragman appears and tells them they have more important things to deal with! So stop crying, forget about what happened, digest your sister's Through the Looking Glass quotes and get into space already!

Oh, an annual! That makes sense! I knew twenty pages weren't enough to end this thing. It took nearly that many to deal with the, ahem, alleged Vampire Hypnotism!

Batwoman #40 Rating: No change. Now that I can be a bit more serious in tone here in the Limbo area where my real review of the issue supposedly takes place but rarely does because I don't really care about legitimate reviewing, let's go back to that scene where Kate learns she's been hypnotized by Natalia and she realizes that she was hypnotized into having sex with her. Confused and still processing the event, Kate asks her rapist point blank, "You forced me to have sex with you?" Obviously Kate should realize at this moment that she was manipulated and raped and she doesn't need confirmation from her attacker. Natalia's comments are exactly what you would expect to hear from the rapist which makes her all the more terrible. This scene, without the outside controversy, actually makes sense and portrays Natalia as the monster Kate declares she is. But with the controversy and Marc Andreyko going on Twitter way back when to explain that Kate doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do and that the encounter wasn't rape, Natalia's comments just come across as Andreyko trying to explain away the rape. So a scene in which a woman's attacker piles blame onto her victim, a scene that I could believe would happen, just comes across as a petty attempt by the writer to prove that the rape never actually occurred. It's kind of mind-boggling. If I had any stake in Andreyko's writing, I'd say he wrote this scene correctly and it doesn't have anything to do with the outside controversy. But since I'm not his mother, I can't help but read it as a desperate attempt at damage control. Of course it's coming way too late! Most people that were disturbed by the rape scene dropped the book then and there, if not a few months earlier.

Anyway, I hope Batwoman can return soon without all of this drama packed up in her suitcases. Let's clean the slate and get her back to fighting crime alongside The Unknowns as soon as possible! Please?

Batwoman #39

Red Alice is finally here to murderfuck every face in the room!

Red Alice has that super hot look that says, "I'm not into men and even if I were, you'd be way beneath my standards." So irresistible!

Previously in this comic book, some fucking crazy shit was going down all over Gotham. A bunch of crazy characters were involved. And Kate Kane was having mega-sexy sex with Nocturna right on panel! Well, kind of on panel. Maybe I fantasized it. Let's see if this issue contains any more lesbian sex that I can male gaze up as much as possible, making it all about a man's erection!

I know! I pointed out how you're here to murderfuck! That's totally different! And sexy! And illegal in most European nations!

Kate is probably more worried about what Red Alice did to their father anyway. Murderfucking him would be wrong and icky. That might not even turn me on! No wait. I've thought about it for a second and it totally would.

Kate comes out of her bedroom looking so fucking adorable that it breaks my adorable meter. She says, "B-Beth? Its impossible." I guess she lost her apostrophe in Nocturna's sweet vanilla scented sphincter.

Is this Red Alice's schtick? She quotes Through the Looking Glass and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland all the time? Although I'm not sure "I'm not here to kill you" is a line from either novel! Although I can think of several occasions where Alice might have said it.

Next Nocturna comes out in an incredibly short robe and I have to take a masturbation break. Just kidding! I'm not into lesbians! I respect that their love making is not meant for my benefit and that it is an expression of love between two people just like everybody else's sexual exploits. Although all the other sexual encounters turn me on, so I'm just being myself when I wish for an on panel shot of Kate's face between Nocturna's thighs! I mean, if they were guys, that would be totally different because I was only into that during college that one or two or three times. Or however many times before I lost count. I mean, before I realized I totally wasn't into that because I was super heterosexual!

What's with the question mark shape on Kate's back?! Is that a shout out to Renee Montoya?!

This has always been my explanation for Kate and Nocturna's romance. Kate was just looking to cut loose after having her heart broken by Maggie. Or by herself, really, but whatever. Except all you naysaying jerks that wanted to ruin this adorably hot relationship had to run around with your hair on fire yelling, "The sky is raping! The sky is raping!" You guys are always looking for a reason not to have fun and to get to be righteously angry at somebody! Well no more! Kate and Nocturna are consenting fuck partners and that's the end of it! I mean, Nocturna did turn her into a vampire against her will and is manipulating her through the immortal blood but that's different somehow! Just shut up! I like seeing them kiss!

Nocturna and Red Alice start a whole daytime talk show drama filled screamfest until Kate yells at them in her vampire voice to knock it off. The art also takes a hit around this point. I think the inker might have changed! Anyway, Nocturna and Red Alice don't trust each other but they decide to play nice for Kate's sake. At least for now. Or at least in front of her.

Meanwhile, Clayface uses Ragman's computer to Google himself since he's lost his memory after being used as a mold for Morgaine. He discovers he was an insane murderer and doesn't like it much. I guess Ragman doesn't know Clayface's real name or else Clayface could check out his credits on IMDB while he's at the computer.

Showoff. He's just a Diet Spectre! Oh man. Jelyde is gonna be pissed at me for saying that!

This must be the part where the story catches the reader up on all of the other characters. So let's see what's happening with Jason Blood next.

Radhu! I didn't recognize you without the turban! I bet I won't recognize Uncle Harry either if he's not a pillow. Or Glenda without that thing she was known for.

It turns out Morgaine is waiting for Jason in his apartment with Etrigan gagged and bound at her feet. Are they almost in space?!

Morgaine has come in search of that rock that she winds up sticking in a satellite. But Ragman must have sensed injustice happening because he and Clayface call Batwoman to join them in staring into Jason Blood's rear window. At least the gang is finally all together. Now they just need to find a spaceship.

Morgaine practically said "fart."

Etrigan is so shaken up that he rhymes "blind" with "blind" while making no sense anyway, and then rhymes "death" with "death." Anybody can rhyme like that! Actually, anybody can rhyme anything. What is people's fascination with rhymed words? Rhyming is like the first thing you learn in school!

Anyway, Jason Blood disappears and Morgaine runs off to Slaughter Swamp to raise her army of dead mud creatures. Etrigan points out that they should probably chase her down or else the world is going to end and nobody wants it to end. That was a rhyme!

Batwoman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I get that this isn't anywhere near the same level of great that Batwoman was when it had those other people writing and drawing it. You know, whatever their names were. Blackguy and Prince William the Third. But I'm thoroughly enjoying this version of Batgirl as well. The other version was deep and profound and intimate and emotional. This version is simply fun super hero adventures. And as we all know, DC needs as many fun super hero adventures as they can get. Too bad it was at the expense of Batwoman the Urban Legend Killer.

Batwoman #37

Clayface loves watching vampires fuck.

Now that I'm writing sonnets and being all highbrowed and shit, I'm not sure I should have begun with the vampires fucking line. That could give the tenured professors I attracted to my blog the wrong idea about how intellectual I am! I'd better write another sonnet to get them back on my good side!

Sonnet #Clayface

Does anybody know where vampires fuck?
It's something that I really need to see.
This line ends with a word that rhymes with fuck.
This line should have a word that rhymes with see.

This stanza here is all about Clayface.
Also about the general state of man.
And woman too, of course; there's just no space
To be socially just in every scan.

Now where was I? Oh yeah! Clayface had just
Begun to mope about his life's lost zest,
And the love of his life and her big brust
(I'm sure that's some archaic word for breast).

A man of many faces might I be.
The one that matters most, you'll never see.

Holy fucking shit! I am a genius the likes of which the world has never seen! Sonnet #Clayface might be my best sonnet ever!

The strangest thing you've ever said? Please. Like you've never shouted, "Ram your beautiful blooming piss factory into my gaping maw so my eager pleasure muscle can bring your throbbing love button to an intense state of indescribable quivering ecstasy!"

Earlier in the night, Batwoman threatened a reporter or an ex-girlfriend or just some Nocturna hater. She doesn't want her vendettaing Natalia Mitternicht because that's her vampire girlfriend now. Or her vampire sex mistress. Or just some person that comes by to fuck Kate when she's blackout drunk and won't remember it in the morning. Which is probably a good thing since the act involves a lot of biting and bleeding and pacts to the dark mistress Satan.

Back at Jason Blood's house, Etrigan mentions how he never wants Jason Blood inside him ever again, and Jason Blood says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know who you've been talking to but I ain't into fucking animals." Then Etrigan begins to strangle him and then Batwoman enters and says, "Step away from the naked man." Hmm, I would have ended that with an exclamation point. But then I end over 90% of all of my sentences with one! See?

Meanwhile, some thieves take off with Ragman's Celtic cookie.

Does anybody else think the magic cookie has something to do with Etrigan's sudden appearance? Is that why the burned up cult guy recognized Jason Blood? Were they summoning Etrigan with the virginal sacrifice? I like to believe that scenario since Etrigan should be sharing time with some squatter in London, as seen in Stormwatch Number I don't remember the number (what am I? An editor?).

Really? Strained? Your insult would hold more weight if that were true but this is some of Etrigan's best rhyming so far in the whole New 52! Especially that crack against women! Ha ha! Cowards!

His rhyming later in the encounter gets significantly worse. I'm going to have to admit that Batwoman has a better ear for rhyme than I do. Although she later calls Etrigan's rhymes a "haiku" so maybe she doesn't know anything at all about poetry and rhyme. Perhaps she's simply gained powers of prognostication with the vampire blood now coursing through her so she heard his future rhymes before he rhymed them.

Batwoman and Etrigan manage to say enough during the fight so that they realize the true villains in the current scenario are the robed cult that summoned Etrigan from out of the British squatter. Batwoman learns the cult are trying to resurrect Morgan le Fay which Etrigan assures her is a bad idea. He really drives home the point by rhyming "all" with "all." I guess this quest will get them in contact with Ragman and his Morgan le Fay summoning cookie. But how will Clayface join the team?! And Beth! Or Alice? Whatever.

Clayface is captured by the Cookie Thieves. Easily. Jesus, Batman goes through so much trying to catch this guy and all he needed to do was refer to him as Mr. Karlo and appeal to his acting ability?

Etrigan sniffs vampire sex juice in Kate Kane's wig and points out that she might need a little mystic hoodoo to clean out her system. For the moment, at least, Kate and Natalia's link is broken. Darn. I hope that doesn't mean their relationship is over and now Kate is going to report Natalia to Maggie for sexual molestation and near cannibalism and breaking and entering and holding her hand in public and looking like the most adorable couple ever when they really weren't although come on! They were so cute together! They shouldn't end the relationship simply because it started out on the rape foot! Um, wrong foot! I mean, at the very least, can't we consider it was an ambiguous foot and all agree that they're too cute together to make a fuss about how they first got together?!

Can't everybody just agree for my sake to say, "You know, we're all kind of weirded out by the way Nocturna broke into Kate's apartment and took advantage of her while she was pretty drunk. But for Tess's sake, let's just look at the situation with a less critical eye. I mean, Nocturna did tell Kate that she wasn't Maggie. She didn't lie to her! Sure, Kate was still drunk but it was on wine and how blotto can one really get on wine, right? She was just a bit sleepy at first and thought, 'Oh, hey, Maggie wants to fuck.' But then her vision cleared and she saw it was hot, sexy Nocturna (who, by the way, said, 'I'm not Maggie') and said to herself, 'Oh yeah! I need this random hook-up to make me feel better about the mess I made with my relationship with Maggie. If that sourpuss doesn't want any of this anymore, I'm not going to lock it away in a no-sex-allowed vault!'" See? When you say it that way, I can have my way and you can all not feel angry! We're all much happier now!

Back at the Cookie Thieves' hideout, they shove the cookie inside Clayface and they and all their friends chant the magic Rune Chant.

Ta-da!

Batwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this comic book going to have enough time to get all of these characters back into space before the final issue?! I hope so! Unless the time it takes to tell that story doesn't allow for more pages of Kate and Natalia fucking because then I have to hope for the pages and pages of fucking.

Batwoman #36

Is that where Jason Blood has been all this time? At an AA meeting?

That symbol has a few more additions to the Alcoholic Anonymous symbol, so maybe this is Demonology Anonymous? Do people wear chains with this symbol around their neck and sometimes run into strangers who will notice the symbol and say, "Oh, are you a friend of Merlin's?" My guess is that Merlin started Demonology Anonymous after years of out of control grafting of demons onto human hosts. He finally realized he was powerless over summoning demons and that his life had become an unmanageable mess of demon summoning. Next, he came to believe that Madame Xanadu could restore him to sanity. Next he promised to turn his life over to Dog as he understood him, be it Terrier or Labradoodle or Cocker Spaniel or, most especially, Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Then he made up a bunch of bullshit steps until he had a list that seemed like he put a lot of work into improving his life and then wrote a book bragging about it which helped a lot of lonely, powerless, incompetent people. One of those people was Jason Blood. The rest of those people were probably all of the other people that fell victim to Merlin's demon summoning shenanigans.

Like last issue, this issue ignores how last issue ended. Although this one might be starting where last issue should have started according to the way the issue before last ended. So Batwoman looks even more vampiric than usual. She's also acting way more obsessive compulsive about cleaning up street crime by threatening to kill some taggers. That's a sign of vampirism as well as the pasty skin and the sharp teeth and the swank clothes.

As Batwoman wastes her time on some teenagers, some Demonology Anonymous members get fried when the girl they're sacrificing explodes. I think sacrificing a hot, young virgin is one of the twelve steps. Female virgin. Nobody wants to see a greasy male nerd tied to a mystic standing stone.

Why is this taking place in Starling City? Have you noticed now that The Flash has aired on The CW, Infantino has become a major thoroughfare as well?

Batwoman comes to her senses just in time to follow the Gotham Police to the accident at the Demonology Anonymous meeting. The Gotham Police seem to have a different attitude to Batwoman than they have with Batman. They simply let her stride about the crime scene making gagging noises and pretending like she knows what she's looking for as she waits around for Maggie Sawyer to show up. When Maggie does, Kate runs up to her and says, "Maggie! Maggie! Pay attention to me! Maggie! Maggie! I still love you! Maggie! Maggie! I didn't mean to fuck that vampire! Maggie! Maggie! I made all of your decisions for you because I wanted you to be happy! Maggie! Maggie! I probably should have trusted you to figure out your own problems but I'm a controlling jerk-off whose life has become unmanageable so I micromanage the lives of others at the expense of my own happiness!" Actually, she doesn't say that last thing because she hasn't made enough progress with her therapist yet.

Maggie smells vampire vagina on Kate's lips and pretty much tells her to fuck off.

One of the burnt-to-hell Demonology Anonymous members survives and recognizes the doctor in the emergency room as Jason Blood! When he touches him, Jason has a flashback to the best comic so far of The New 52.

Um. What is going on in that middle area?

Later, Natalia Mitternacht, secret vampire (only because the people of Gotham are so stupid they can't see what's right in front of their eyes (the only people dumber are the citizens of Metropolis!)), comes by Kate's apartment to take her out on a date. And even though I know it's totally cliche for a heterosexual male to get all worked up over two women kissing and touching, I'm still all worked up over it. Look at them! They're adorable! And fucking sexy! Plus I might be a little bit under their vampire spell.

I suddenly wish this comic book were rated Super Mature!

On their date, they run into Kate's therapist who is a little bit therapissed. Kate hasn't been around to see him ever since she got vampirized because vampires don't need to deal with their pasts. Unless they're one of Anne Rice's vampires and then whole chapters will be devoted to their gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the mistakes they made across the centuries. Another vampire that constantly worries about his past because he's a huge puss is Angel.

Meanwhile, Ragman buys the mystic doodad used to explode the virgin in the ceremony earlier in the night. He gets it at a steal for seven dollars and fifty cents! Unless he paid seven hundred and fifty dollars for it. Or maybe seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars for it? It's hard to tell with these Goddamned negotiators and their inability to ever actually say the exact dollar amount when making deals.

Later meanwhile elsewhere, Alice returns to Gotham. You know, Kate's sister Beth who calls herself Alice. Unless it's different.

And then we get the scene that makes Kate and Maggie's breakup well worth it! Good decision to not let her get married, Mr. Didio!

Although is it weird that Batman is standing in the room beating off? I mean, probably beating off. Why wouldn't he be? I am! Mostly because all of the blood reminds me of my old sex fantasies with Vampire Tig!

I just completely ruined that last scene, didn't I? It's like, here's a scene portraying a couple of lesbians doing what lesbians do best (other than dark poetry about swamps) and I have to rub my heterosexuality all over it! Now instead of an example of equal media representation of nonheteronormative lust mixed with gore, it's just a cum-covered example of the violent, blood-soaked male gaze of heteronormative media! Such a shame! Although I can't help it if heterosexual interests share a space on the Venn Diagram of Lust with lesbian interests! If my heterosexual cock were at a party and he struck up a conversation with a lesbian vagina, they'd find they have a lot in common! They'd probably become best friends! Platonic best friends, of course! Which would probably confuse my penis to no end.

Anyway, that sexy scene was Kate remembering the night she first fucked Nocturna. And she seems a bit freaked out by it. I don't know if the blood disturbed her more or the fact that Batman was watching.

Here's a sexy scene for the other group that shares a spot on the Venn Diagram of Lust!

Oh yeah! Work that shaft! Tease the head! Tease the head! Now smack those balls roughly on the back stroke! Grip it tight! Tighter! TIGHTE---UNH! Hunh. Hunh. Hunh. Oh yeah. Yeah. Sleepy time.

Etrigan interrupts Jason Blood while he's jerking it in the shower. Apparently they haven't seen each other in a long time although they recognize each other instantly. Will the magic that binds them spark to life now that they're in close proximity to one another and Jason's cock is throbbing wildly in the wind? I suppose they won't be able to resist merging.

Batwoman #36 Rating: Why did that comic book make me so horny?! It was terrific!

Batwoman #35

Whoops, Kate! Your fly is down!

Oh! Oh! I know who all of these unknowns are!

"Feet of Clay." Wonder Woman!
"We're all mad here." The Cheshire Cat!
Batwoman!
"The clothes make the man." George Zimmer!
"Hell breaks loose." Who cares? What I'm wondering is how many internet fuckdummies are confused by the phrase "Hell breaks loose"?

Internet Fuckdummy: "That doesn't make any sense? Hell breaks doesn't win? What looser let that mistake make the cover!"

Now when I call somebody an "internet fuckdummy," realize that I'm not calling out young people who have learned to read on the internet from other people with a scant hold on the English language themselves. My cousin who is in her fifties, who constantly posts on Facebook about grammar pet peeves and spells well and types beautifully coherent sentences, still invariably types "loose" when she means "lose." I have a feeling we've seen the last generation to spell "lose" with just one "o." At this point, it seems like one of those natural changes that the majority take as fact and thus the language is changed forever. The extra "o" is in the saddle and rides mankind's ass until it's raw and bleeding and mankind screams, "Okay! Okay! OOKAY!"

Also, should ye be one of those internet fuckdummies and think I'm being ridiculously harsh on you, remember this: we're all internet fuckdummies in our own way. Just, you know, some of us know how to spell "lose." Also, some of us know on which side of the quotation mark that previous period should have been. I, sadly, am not one of those people. Stupid interent fuckdummy. This issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit gazing on the most miraculous site she has ever sighted.

"My God. It's full of 'O's!"

Seeing that last issue ended with Batwoman, while wearing frilly little panties, being sexily bitten by a vampire, it makes sense that this issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit orbiting the Earth battling demons with a hodgepodge assortment of heroes and villains. Unless it makes the opposite of sense? Perhaps it's a mystery! A "MYSTERY IN SPACE!" That's the title of this issue although I think I'd quibble about calling where they're located in orbit as "space." Maybe "MYSTERY IN EARTH'S ORBIT" would be more accurate. Sure, you can call that space! I won't argue with you! But when somebody calls their comic book "MYSTERY IN SPACE," I'm expecting an adventure on alien planets in far off solar systems! Then you'd be able to argue that fighting in Earth's orbit is more of a "MYSTERY IN SPACE" than being on another planet even though that planet is located in a different part of space than our planet is located. That comic should probably be called "MYSTERY ON AN ALIEN PLANET."

Jesus Christ. I'm even beginning to annoy myself. Let's just find out why Etrigan is back, shall we?

I'm sure he does.

For those who don't know the poem, here's how it appears in Immortalia: An Anthology of American Ballads, Sailors' Songs, Cowboy Songs, College Songs, Parodies, Limericks, and Other Humorous Verses and Doggerel printed in 1927:

"There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'"

Here's another one from the same book that I rather enjoyed:

"There was an old lady named Tucket
Who went to hell in a bucket;
When she did get there
And they asked her for fare,
She lifted her skirts and said, 'Suck it!'"

Here's another classy bit from the book from a story called "The Night of the King's Castration":

"He had Daniel cast unto the lions. Any man would have died of fright but not Daniel, who boldly strode forth, grabbed a lion's left nut very tight, and mightily squeezed all his worth. Then the lion cried, 'Ouch, it tickles.' 'May I ask what tickles,' said Daniel. Said the lion, 'My dear boy, testicles,' and he laughed 'til he was dead."

Maybe I should change my blog name to Eee! Tess Tickles Chai Tea. Hmm, that might need a little work.

Wait! This story about the King's Castration is too good to not quote a bit more:

"And the king went to the locker where his private crapper stood, and he shit three pounds of butter--And earned the name of King Dairyass."

Why am I reading comic books? This story is so much better! Although the ending is rather weak:

"So then they had a foreskin race, where length and trigger-speed both counted. "Daniel! Come forth! said the king with his face--And Daniel came came fifth and lost the race!"

I don't get it! "Daniel came came fifth"? I think there is some kind of innuendo about Daniel coming on the king's face? Maybe?

Anyway, before I get back to Batwoman, how about one more of these artistic limericks, hmm?

"There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat."

Ah! American Literature at its finest! And now back to our regularly scheduled comic book!

Well, this might explain why Etrigan is involved. Although that doesn't explain why Etrigan called this Batwoman's quest.

Morgan le Fay manages to reduce Etrigan to a skeleton (which never finished him before!) and explode Clayface into millions of spheroids of mud (which never finished him before) while trying to place a green glowing rock into a satellite. She probably should have added the rock to the satellite before it launched. That's the easier way to send payloads into space. But then, she's a witch so she doesn't properly understand technology.

Batwoman stabs her with a piece of the satellite she vandalized while Clayface reforms and helps Ragman and Alice back on the shuttle. Batwoman retreats into the shuttle with the rest of them and they flee back toward Earth, running over Morgan le Fay on the way who manages to hold on to the windshield, cracking it up as they reenter the atmosphere. The issue ends with Clayface and Ragman covering Batwoman and Alice (Elizabeth?) with their bodies to protect them against the heat of reentry.

Although, I think they forgot to remove the glowing stone from the satellite. That might be a problem! Although if it is a problem, we won't know about it for at least two issues since it looks like next issue will explain what the fuck just happened here.

Batwoman #35 Rating: No change. It gets lots and lots of pluses for the cast and the adventure! But it gets lots and lots of minuses for telling the story the way it was told! I don't totally mind having a story begin like this and eventually get around to explaining how things led to this point. But it's a bit weird to have it done after the way Issue #34 ended. It's too jarring having one story end with a vampire bite cliffhanger only to have another story begin in mid-space (orbit!) battle! Traditional ways of telling stories are traditional for a reason! Because white, straight people made them that way and we should all try to be more like white, straight people! Unless it's for some other reason. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Here, have another limerick before I go:

"I love her in the evening gown,
I lover her in her nightie;
But when moonlight flits
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ, almighty!"

The Multiversity: Society of Super-Heroes #1

Why is that Jemm, Son of Saturn, Green Lanterny Daredevil character on this cover? He was on the cover to Issue #1 and never appeared in that! I bet he doesn't appear here as well!

After reading the first issue, I pointed out that the reader was the villain bringing on tragedy by continuing to read the story and that was why the narrator was trying to get the reader to stop. Obviously I was wrong and reading it completely backwards. But that's because I was just trying to trick my readers into not reading for fear of being the villain. Then I would be the only one left reading The Multiversity and I would be the one true hero! Obviously the narrator is a bad guy, perhaps one of The Gentry, trying to get the reader to give up reading the comic book since reading the comic book creates time and executes the plot which will allow the heroes to win (since that's how comic book stories always end all the time forever). So if the reader were to listen to the Narrator and abandon the book, the heroes would never get a chance to win. This is why Captain Carrot mentions he likes reading stories with good endings. Because he knows he's reading the stories of heroes in alternate dimensions and, by reading those stories, he's helping those heroes to succeed.

So while dumb dumb critics continue to call comic books "wish fulfillment fantasies," Grant Morrison is telling us they're actually more than wish fulfillment. The reader gets to be a true hero by reading, and hoping, and pumping her fist in the air when the hero succeeds! Then everybody in the coffee shop looks at her, annoyed, and she stands up, wagging her middle fingers in every direction, and screams, "Fuck you all, you bourgeoisie bitches! Unless you pronounce and/or spell that dumb word some other way and then maybe you're just middle class, uncreative zombie mother fuckers!"

Judging by this cover, this story will be about Doctor Fate and Lady Blackhawk banging each others body parts sore while The Atom chokes himself and masturbates in the corner. Also maybe zombies will attack.

The initial narrator of this story is a composite of Anthro, Immortal Man, and Vandal Savage. He calls himself Immortal Man although he doesn't die and become reborn like the old DC Character, Immortal Man, who was Vandal Savage's rival. He gained his power of immortality from a radioactive meteor as did Vandal Savage. But Immortal Man was also called, at one point during his life, Anthro. And being a Grant Morrison book, I'm sure Immortal Man here is a little bit of all of those characters and maybe even a few more.

Immortal Man answers a call from Doctor Fate to join a group called The Watchmen, unless he decides to call it the Justice League. Oh! Or maybe the Society of Super-Heroes! I bet that's why this comic was called that! Master Comic Book Reader!

See? He's also part Phantom Stranger! Maybe! And some guy named Mortimer! No, wait! "Morty" is probably just a cute sex kitten nickname for "Immortal Man." Master Comic Book Reader!

Maybe I should stop proclaiming I'm a Master Comic Book Reader every time I show that I have an average ability to comprehend what I'm reading.

A few of the other people looking to join the Society of Super-Heroes are the Blackhawks (the all-female division), and The Mighty Atom. He completed some workout course he found in the back of a comic book and then put on a Doctor Manhattan mask, so now he thinks he can be a real super-hero. He's probably going to die, along with half of the Blackhawks.

Doctor Fate has a copy of the haunted comic book that Nix was trying to vivisect at the beginning of last issue. I don't know how you vivisect a comic book but that's what he was doing and I'm just trying to be accurate for once in my life! And since the comic book is extremely dangerous, Doctor Fate left it out where anybody could put their tiny little mighty hands on it. The Mighty Atom gets yelled at just before Jemm, Son of Saturn, arrives.

Dammit! This would be the perfect moment for that yellow penis joke I used to tell in third grade and now I can't remember it!

Abin Sur mentions he has 100 planets to patrol in his Sector 2814. The Green Lantern of Earth-23 said he had one hundred and one planets to patrol! How come Universe-23 has one more inhabited planet than Earth-20? Unless this is Earth-40? It's one of those, according to the cover!

Doctor Fate put out the call for adventurers because a parallel earth might soon be colliding with their earth. The only way to stop devastation on a scale nigh unimaginable is to recruit an eighteen year old comic book reading kid that cosplays Watchmen charactes, a guy that can't die, some women that can fly airplanes really well, and a Green Lantern. And since Abin Sur had already agreed to help Doctor Fate (having brought the warning to Doctor Fate himself), I'm kind of at a loss for why he needed these other chumps to help out! It's like hiring Black Widow and Hawkeye to be on a team with, well, anybody else with actual superpowers! When the Avengers have a Halloween party at their mansion, I wonder if Black Widow and Hawkeye go as Wendy and Marvin?

The real heroes are on the parallel Earth! Go Vandal Savage! Kick their asses!

He's just a caveman! This world confuses and frightens him!

Vandal Savage is working with Felix Faust although it's probably actually Wotan since Wotan is Doctor Fate's fremesis. They decide to go to war with the parallel earth they just discovered. Or the guy whose throat Vandal Savage tore out with his teeth discovered. Credit where credit is due!

And since the Society of Super-heroes had just finished up a war against Jonah Hex, Nazi Mastermind, they were too weary to defeat Vandal Savage when he invaded. At least that's what Immortal Man says. "Too weary." Excuses, excuses! Vandal Savage was just too bad-ass for you, Mort! That's why you lost the United States of America to him and his suicide robots and his zombie army! And then five years passes in the space of two panels because it's time for Futures End: Multiversity #1?

Five years later, things aren't going very well. Abin Sur has been killed by The Fear-Thing (Solomon Grundy, possibly?), and The Mighty Atom's Doctor Manhattan costume has been ruined. But Doctor Fate's helmet has told him of the Monitors, and of Nix Uotan trapped in some eternal battle to save the universe, and the haunted comic book that probably has something to do with one of those things specifically! Probably the one about Nix fighting! Probably! And since Nabu told Doctor Fate all of these things, Doctor Fate knows about the Transmatter Cubes and how to get to The Bleed where the Monitor's Satellite sits waiting for more heroes to join the fight.

While The Blackhawks battle Lady Shiva and The Mighty Atom (with a fresh new Doctor Manhattan costume) battles Blockbuster, Doctor Fate opens the door to the Monitor's satellite. I wonder if he can smell carrot farts through it?

This battle plays out with as much magic as in the final battle in Wizards except with less bullets and more kicks to the balls.

As Fate drags Faust into his interrogation machine, Faust calls to the Fear-Thing: Parallax. Well, I guess that makes more sense than Solomon Grundy although I do think Solomon Grundy's yellow erection could have done serious damage to Abin Sur. Except Parallax did not kill Abin Sur like Solomon Grundy's penis would have, so I'm smarter than somebody even if I don't know who, or even know what I'm talking about. Abin Sur had to survive so that he can be the one to enter the Multidimensional Lex Luthor Parallelotelegram and appear on the cover of Multiversity #1.

At the end, Immortal Man spills Vandal Savage's blood, summoning Nix Uotan (probably the Destroyer version and not the Superjudge version) to this Earth. Is that also what happened in the first issue on Earth-7 when the Genesis Egg hatched? It seemed to hatch only after having Lord Havok's blood spilled upon it. I think these heroes need to stop spilling blood!

Immortal Man sends out an SOS just like heroes from Earths all over the Multiverse have been doing.

More comic books should be like this! DC and Marvel have so much history, stop trying to force some kind of linear coherence on it all! Just let writers pick and choose and merge and mash and come up with fun shit to read like Multiversity! Hey DC! You can use that blurb on the back cover of the Multiversity trade, okay?

The Flash #25

I hope this story is about Barry's first speed pun.

Six years ago The Goddamned Batman emerged during the greatest catastrophe Gotham had ever endured up until that point. The citizens were all like, "Holy cow! That was intense! I'm glad life in Gotham can't get any worse than this!" And then in a few months, the citizens were all, "Shit shit shit shit! Holy fucking Moses! Remember the good old days when all we had to worry about was flooding and high winds and knock knock jokes?! Get me out of this fucking city!" Barry Allen decided to visit Gotham amidst this backdrop of the good old days when people weren't constantly poisoned by laughing gas or dying from fear or brainwashed by hats or eaten by ravenous batwomen or smashed by Hydras or turned to stone by Medusa or lost their children to Mexican urban myths or had bat symbols burned into their bodies or any other dozens of horrible things that have happened since the good old days when all they had to worry about was being stumped by a riddle.

The story begins by calling itself "Starting Line" because The Flash is known for running and a starting line is a line where runners start running! So even though he hasn't had his chemical lightning spa treatment yet, Barry's life is still full of punning on running. Barry is even running on the first page ahead of a Gotham patrol car as Barry gives chase to a drug addict.

With all the problems happening in Gotham right now, why is Barry chasing a drug addict? Apparently, on top of everything else, a new drug called "Icarus" has hit the streets and Barry needs to stop the problem before it runs amok.

Really? Mythology references are high-brow? Well la dee da! Who knew ten year old me was such a highfalutin fancy boy!

Maybe Barry is just making a tasteless joke about the way Icarus died by calling the street drug's name "high-brow."

Man. Now I want to try some Icarus. I bet coming down off of that shit is the worst!

As Barry chases the addict, he mentions that Harvey Bullock and Bullock's partner, Spencer the Probably Dirty Cop, don't have the same sense of urgency as Barry. That counts as a speed reference, right? I bet this Zero Year issue scores really high on my Speed Force Point System! That's where the issue gets a Speed Force Point for every reference to running or speed. By page three, The Flash's Zero Year story has...dammit! I just had the number and began typing the sentence and forgot. I'm going to say it was five points!

Oh yeah. Coming down off this junk fucking sucks. I think this also earns a Speed Force Point because he went up in a flash!

Iris West just happens to be off panel with a fire extinguisher and she steps in to put out the combusting addict. She works as an intern for the Gotham Gazette. Looks like she's one of the smartest people in Gotham because she winds up moving out of that hellhole. Before Barry and Iris can realize that they should be fucking, Harvey pulls Barry away to continue with the Icarus investigation.

As the cops take the corpse to do some forensic analysis on it, Barry tells Harvey how the drug increased the perp's reflexes. Harvey is then able to quip, "Maybe you're just slow." Ha ha! That's funny because he's soon going to be the fastest man alive! Hoo boy! I can't get enough of these allusions to Barry's future career! Keep 'em coming, The Flash Creative Team!

Okay, okay! I get it! You can do this all day!

I bet Patty gets real sick of Barry's puns. It's probably going to be the reason they eventually break up. That or because Dan DiDio decides he doesn't like how cozy they're getting.

Barry: "Hey Patty! I'm going to run to the store really quick."
Patty: "Oh, could you pick up a case of deodorant for yourself?"
Barry: "Want me to smell good for a quickie when I get back? Can't stop yourself around me and my fast hands, can you?"
Patty: "Get off m...did we just have sex?"
Barry: "Of course not! I know you like to take it slow, babe. Although, you kind of chose the wrong guy for that. Bit of a rash decision on your part, enh?"
Patty: "Speaking of rashes...could you get something for the friction burns on my ass?"

Um, and then there are more speed puns and Patty gets tired of them and they break up! What? I don't have all day to write comic book scripts!

Harvey and Barry head over to investigate the free clinic where Iris West was researching the use of Icarus. They do this because the building is about to explode and Harvey needs to make more references about Barry trying to be a hero and running into burning buildings and pointing out how fast Barry is and how great his buns would look in a spandex suit. Maybe some of those thoughts were my own.

Barry decides to investigate the explosion to try to put a stop to Gotham's drug problem while Harvey says, "Fuck it, that's too much work. I'm going to head over to a different Zero Year comic book." Iris West sets up a makeshift lab for Barry to work in and the two of them begin a professional relationship that will last for many, many years! Or at least until DC decides to go back to the old universe and then their relationship will be different somehow. But not very.

Barry and Iris wind up snorting a whole bunch of Icarus and fucking like monkeys. While they're banging each other, Barry has a flash of insight into where the drugs were probably cut and packaged: a cold place! Like with ice and stuff! And since Iris has cold beer because she knows a fish guy that can get her ice, Barry decides he suddenly knows where the drugs were packaged! It's easy to know your gut instincts are correct when you're in a comic book because their aren't enough pages for you to follow dead end leads.

I didn't actually guess that Spencer was a dirty cop earlier when I called him "Spencer the Dirty Cop." Originally, I had just typed "Harvey's Partner." But then when I decided to scan this page in, I realized I needed to make sure his name was mentioned so I wouldn't have to explain who this was. And as I typed his name, I added "the probably dirty cop" because isn't that the Gotham way and it made me giggle. But then after adding that so that I wouldn't have to explain who he was, I realized I needed to add all of this to explain how I already knew he was dirty when I added the "dirty cop" thing because I believe in transparency and I don't want people believing I guessed something that I didn't even consider while reading. Most internet denizens thrive on being able to look up facts and pretend they already knew them, thus presenting a false version of themselves. I like to let people know when Lord Google held my hand through something. Although I don't mention how often I check the spelling or the precise meaning of a word to make sure I'm actually saying exactly what I want to get across. Sometimes, even knowing the meaning of the word, you just need to make sure you've got the subtlety and precision just right for the sentence you're constructing. Although most of the time my sentences are more like a flailing child running amok in a candy store.

Harvey Bullock has arrived to back up Allen but he's a bit too late because Spencer shoves a bunch of Icarus up Barry's nose and now Barry thinks he's the Goddamned Batman. Barry punches up Spencer a bit but soon finds himself about to explode. Spencer goes to shoot Barry because he's the kind of cop that believes in ultra-violence but Harvey shoots Spencer before he can pull the trigger. Iris floods Barry with cold air from the cooling unit and everybody but Spencer lives happily ever after.

This bit from Harvey gave me feelings. Am I gay?

Then it's time for Barry to head back to Central City! But first he needs to be manhandled by Iris!

I think Iris West is really The Penguin!

The Flash #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even when The Flash doesn't have any powers and it's just a stupid CSI comic book about dumb cops without any super powers, this comic book is entertaining! Probably because Barry Allen's character has been well defined by Manapul and Buccellato. If only Tim Drake were being written this well! Not that I care about Tim Drake. But some people care about Tim Drake for some reason. Probably because those people are younger than I am. My favorite Robin was Alfred Pennyworth's pet Gerbil from Amazing Wonder Time Adventures #53.