Twat Lobo Annual #1

Lobo's logo matches him perfectly. It's boring with just a bunch of fiddly bits tacked onto it so it feels extreme.

The annual begins with Twat Lobo shooting a candidate for the Yellow Lanterns in the head. Why the fuck would the ring choose such a shitty candidate? Sinestro should be glad Twat Lobo took out this potential recruit before he wasted any of the Sinestro Corps' time. After the ring refuses to recruit a corpse because it isn't recruiting for the Black Lanterns, it moves on to find another candidate by spouting some "Replacement sentient initiated" nonsense. Maybe the ring instantaneously hazes the next recruit before moving on to find him or her or it. Or maybe Yellow Rings use a different kind of grammar than the rest of us.

I hope nobody argues with the "us" part of that last statement!

Twat Lobo captures the ring and throws it in his Yellow Ring Aquarium. Czarnia must have had sharks too because Twat Lobo compares collecting the Yellow Rings to chumming the waters. So he's now the Captain Quint of space travel? I wonder if at some point in this comic book he's going to need a bigger space ship?! Or maybe he'll meet an old guy with a really bad hat!

Or he's just better at living his life without a single thought about Twat Lobo and what he's up to.

Twat Lobo heads off to the remains of a pleasure planet to buy some information from a guy named Pascal Xantes. Twat Lobo explains all about the location in Narration Box after Narration Box. It helps the dumb people who like this comic book to understand what's going on.

Xantes has been giving Twat Lobo the information he's been using to locate the potential recruits for the Yellow Lanterns. That seems like a really difficult thing to predict no matter how many "equations" you run! How about just giving Twat Lobo Sinestro's location?! It seems like that information would be a hell of a lot easier to gain access to than guessing who the newest Yellow Lantern will be. I'm sure there's a reason Twat Lobo is doing this the hard way; it's just that he hasn't explained it to me in a Narration Box.

Egads. Just shut the fuck up and kill shit, you turd.

While Twat Lobo murders shit, he explains how everybody in space (which is everybody in the universe, amirite?!) is crazy and dangerous. He thinks it's because of the darkness, the "deep black" of space. I don't get it. Space isn't black! Space is light! Lights everywhere! Everywhere you look: lights, lights, and more lights! The only place that's dark is on a planet with a thick atmosphere and serious cloud cover! Or like, a cave! And a cave is the exact opposite of space. I think what he meant to say was everybody in space is a little crazy because of the loneliness. It's lonely in space! I mean, unless you're on some huge ark ship or something. Or, you know, on a planet with a bunch of other assholes that won't get out of your way when you walk down the sidewalk.

Twat Lobo "rescues" a Korugarian prisoner to trail behind his ship as he flies through space. Does he have some barrels to harpoon into the side of Sinestro when he attracts Sinestro's attention? That attention, by the way, is attracted rather quickly.

Here it is! Here it is! Twat Lobo's going to need a bigger space ship!

The Sinestro Corps rip Twat Lobo apart. But only because he lets them! If he didn't want to lose the fight, he wouldn't have lost the fight, especially since it was only against a bunch of Sinestro's lackeys. No, he loses on purpose because Sinestro isn't among them. So he has to play dead and follow them back to New Korugar. That's not me summarizing the comic book. That's me guessing at why Arkillo was able to tear Twat Lobo apart so easily.

The best part about Twat Lobo playing dead? He decides to stop his incessant Narration Boxing to make the readers think he's dead too! Why else would he stop Narration Boxing while pretending to be dead? The Yellow Lanterns can't hear it!

Too bad he only fakes it for two pages and then it's right back to shoving nine more Narration Boxes onto the page as he explains what I already explained before reading his explanation. Also, his ship regenerates too! Whew! I was worried that he was going to have to swim to New Korugar. Can you swim in space?

The Sinestro Corps don't think you're a ghost! The Sinestro Corps aren't thinking about you at all!

As Twat Lobo disembarks to find Sinestro and murder him, he mentions how if he's noticed, he'll "frag everyone on the planet." See? Twat Lobo is actually Real Deal Lobo! It's just an earlier version of him before he became a thicker, hairier, middle-aged bastich! When Twat Lobo murdered Real Deal Lobo, he really just killed his future self. That'll be a neat story when Cullen Bunn finally doesn't write it.

Sinestro sniffs out Twat Lobo almost immediately so that the great big battle every fan has been waiting for can begin! Except this fan. I wasn't waiting for it. Unless Sinestro destroys Twat Lobo and ends Twat Lobo's monthly comic book. I wouldn't mind that happening. Go Sinestro! Eat Twat Lobo's face!

Instead of getting an exciting battle, the readers get Twat Lobo explaining what Sinestro is thinking, how he's acting, and how Twat Lobo is using it all to his own advantage. None of that plays out in the visuals, of course! In the visuals, Twat Lobo just shoots a gun at Sinestro and jumps at him with a sword. I'm glad Twat Lobo explained that there was more going on than I realized. Now it's really exciting!

After Twat Lobo beats on Sinestro awhile, Sinestro ends the fight by paying off Twat Lobo's contract which Sinestro put out on himself to test Twat Lobo. Now Twat Lobo gets to be Sinestro's Whip as well as the Void Whisper's Whip. Twat Lobo is so whipped.

Twat Lobo Annual #1 Rating: 170 Narration Boxes versus 166 Panels. So just a slight bit more telling than showing. I prefer my comic books to be not this.

World's End #17

*screams into microphone* "Seventeen issues of disappointment!" *huge guitar riff* "And counting!" *sound like drumsticks falling on drums because the drummer had an aneurysm*

Look at that fucking manspread on Desaad! He's one bad alpha asshole! Oh, and check out the gap in Barda's thighs! She is one hot bitch! Or is Barda knock-kneed with a bit of the old scoliosis? And maybe Desaad has had so many pelvic breaks that he can't close his legs when he sits? Now I feel like an asshole! Maybe I should change the subject.

Well, maybe I'll sort of change the subject. So I checked out the manspreading tag on Tumblr and it is just filled with unintentional comedy. So many angries from both sides! About what is essentially a non-issue that can be dealt with on a case by case basis. Somebody taking up too much space on public transport for whatever reason? Ask them to make room! If they don't, they're fucking assholes! But then I decided to also check out the thigh gap tag on Tumblr and was met with this:

Holy shit! I don't know if I'm in the mood to make snarky comments anymore!

That tag wasn't full of unintentional comedy at all. It was full of unintentional tragedy, I think. Now this is an issue! Most of you probably don't realize that society teaches women to have an unrealistic image of themselves. Yeah! It's true! Somebody should set about to fixing that or something because the thinspiration tag almost made me cry. And that means it affected me and when an issue affects a white cishet man manspreading all over his office chair, that's when it becomes a real issue! Although I suppose I could always heed Tumblr's warnings from now on and then the issue wouldn't affect me and it would have the same effect as if the problem had been solved! Right?

Actually, I don't tend to "manspread" in my office chair. I generally sit cross-legged or I squat on it. Or I'll kick my feet up on my comic book boxes (ankles crossed) and lean back. That's how I sit on buses. Most people don't know what to say when I tuck my feet into their lap to get comfortable, so they just kind of look the other way and ignore it.

Manspread just sounds like the most awful thing you can put on a sandwich. After mayonnaise.

Part of me just thinks I should delete everything I previously wrote because it comes across as facetious and insincere. Which is how it's meant to sound! Why can't I ever take anything seriously? Especially that thing about women and body image? But then I know I can't delete any of it because how else am I going to fill up this commentary? It certainly won't be by commenting on World's End #17 which I'm so totally avoiding reading by writing about all this other stuff.

I really, really dislike this comic book.

This issue begins with Replacement Batman shooting up Helena with Venom to shock her body back to life.

Fucking Power Girl. It's always about herself, isn't it? Screaming her own name when her friend is on the brink of death.

As Helena enjoys the Venom ride, Death delivers her Deathspawn of Apokolips. It's born fully formed with the ability to speak English which really helps to justify screaming, "Bring it down!" I mean, if it were just a mewling infant, Queen Lantern would look like a huge prick blasting it with his Green Lantern ring.

Azathoth continues to be alive after seemingly having died when The Blue broke down in baby tears and gave up on the fight to save the world. And Yolanda the Red Avatar continues to be missing in action after having arrived to not even save the day like she was supposed to. Have I been reading this series out of order?

The Deathspawn of Apokolips flees from the battle and heads into the Earth to devour the Parliament of Colors. Maybe Yolanda foresaw this move and she'll be ready to protect the tree with breasts and her friends.

Big Barda gathers up an army of Protofuries to go destroy the last of the humans.

Is anybody else tired of seeing Barda act like an evil jerko? Why the fuck did this even happen? Was it to surprise the audience with some kind of big twist? Because from the Earth-2 versions of Fury and Barda (as limited as Barda's role was in the series), the story would have made more sense to just leave Fury as the bad guy siding with Apokolips and to let Barda play the role of Earth sympathizer with Mister Miracle. Who decided it would make for a better story to have Barda be the betrayer?

Tornado Lane, Val-el, Power Girl, Hawkcop, and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick meet Big Barda at the entrance to Atom's Haven to engage in a mighty kerfuffle. It's probably super exciting if you're the half dozen people still interested in this comic book series.

I think somebody forgot, many issues ago, that Val-el is a pacifist.

Maybe punching Protofuries doesn't go against Val-el's pacifism. I mean, I'm a pacifist and I still punch dogs.

And then Kalibak crashes through a wall for some reason. Whatever.

World's End #17 Rating: -2 Ranking. I waste so much time while reading this comic book because I just know the story will hardly advance at all and I'll be left making the most boring comments on the most boringester comic book characters. Can Earth-2 just explode already? Please?

Grayson #2

The logo looks like a font I would have designed in third grade.

You know how I begin most of my reviews bullshitting about anything except the comic book? I've run out of stuff to ramble about. So I need readers to send in finished pieces that I can pretend I wrote and add them to future reviews. You won't get any compensation or notoriety or acknowledgment from me that you put in some extra work that I pawned off as my own. But if you're tricky, you can make the first letter of each word spell out your name! I probably wouldn't notice anything so subversive. I might add the word "fuck" to your piece a half dozen times so that it actually sounds like I wrote it. Just think of it as charity! I am a poor orphan down on his luck and out of ideas, and you're a noble, rich, sexy wordsmith that has plenty of great ideas oozing out of your butthole which you'd love to drip into my waiting maw! Mmm! Succulent stories! Nutty themes! Steamy and profound philosophical arguments!

Maybe you'll get a certificate of some kind that says you helped out! You can join the "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea And I!" Club! Man, that's clever! I didn't know I could get more cleverer! But there it was! I did it! "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea And I!" Genius!

Oh was it, Batman? It would have been nice to have been invited as opposed to having to just look at black and white art of the event.

The Midnighter has taken a leave of absence from Stormwatch to get his head back together after some accident defeating some jerko named Paragon. He's busy spying on Spyral for some clues to fix his brain and his number one target is Dick Grayson. He doesn't know it's Dick because Spyral has anti-facial recognition software that makes their agents faces look like reverse beer goggles.

Dick and Helena are busy searching for a guy with a cybernetic stomach somewhere in the English countryside. I don't know how they're supposed to find it. Maybe the guy's stomach pings instead of growls? Perhaps he eats batteries? Maybe Dick is going to go around punching everybody in the stomach until he breaks his fist? Or maybe he'll just stand around looking like an awkward, obvious foreigner until the woman with the metal stomach finds him, lures him into her lair, and tries to eat him.

Who are T.H.E.Y.?

Instead of battling the superspeedster cannibal, Dr. Ashemoore, Helena Bertinelli offers her a job working for Spyral. They'd have to take her stomach, of course. But she'd get a lab and all the funding she needs for her experiments. Dick wants no part in hiring a cannibal so he falls unconscious or something. It's all very technical and spyey.

And after all that spy stuff happens in which Spyral gathers up another piece of the Weather Satellite, Batman laughs.

How dare they laugh at Alfred after all he's done for them!

Grayson #2 Rating: No change. This feels like a comic book that would have been just fine if they'd let some other hero have the starring role and just left Dick Grayson alive and happy to run around as Nightwing. So they'd have to change two pages where the hero isn't able to act so familiar with Batman on the radio. Big deal! If Nightwing were still around, we'd have plenty of pages of Batman and Nightwing having touching conversations! We could even have some poignant Dick and Alfred moments. But not now! Nope! Dick's dead! Okay, he's fake dead right now. But The Midnighter is after him so it won't be long until he's real dead.

Justice League United #3

Is Batman on the cover because he's going to judge Justice League Canada for not inviting him to the party, or is this one of those "75 Years of Batman" covers?

Bruce Wayne has probably trademarked the name "Justice League" which is why Batman always has to involve himself somehow. Martian Manhunter has the trademark of the name on Mars which is why he's always butting in and trying to be a member as well. You've got to protect your trademarks or before you know it, Justice League Enema Kits! Although Bruce might let that infringement slide simply because they'd probably use Aquaman on the label.

I suppose this comic book is called "Justice League United" because it's going to star different Justice Leagues started in different countries. Or it could simply be that "gathering to protect the galaxy..." doesn't sound like something with which Canada would involve itself. "Not our problem, eh?"

This issue begins with Miiyahbin undergoing her secret origin as something that's pretending to be her grandfather tells her that the power was always within her or to let go or the crane kick cannot be defended or life's like a movie, write your own ending keep believing, or something.

Definitely not her grandfather since he thinks her name is "Meeyahbin.

Last issue ended with Byth finally having his baby, Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds. This issue begins with everybody going, "Okay. Now what?" But the "now what?" doesn't need an answer because the Rannians teleport everybody all over the place so that the story can sort of start over with the characters parceled out where they can contrive the best plot. Hawkman, Adam Strange, Byth, and Ace Ultra wind up with the Rannian scientists that began the whole "let's make the ultimate mixed-race baby!" mess. And everybody else appears in a desert with Twat Lobo. The first thing Twat Lobo does is punch Supergirl in the back of the head because he's met her before and remembers her favorite greeting. SOKKO!

That's Twat Lobo to you, J'onn.

Supergirl greets Twat Lobo back which sends him into low orbit around Rann. During the very short confrontation, Green Arrow proved he was, at best, a distraction and slightly less than at best, completely worthless. The only way he's going to prove his worth to me is if he heartlessly kills Ace Ultra the baby. That would prove to me that he has a place on this team! He does what nobody else can do because he has the most severe daddy issues. As he stabs Baby Ace Ultra in the face with his best trick arrow (the arrow that isn't a trick at all but is actually sharp and can kill which always surprises the thugs because good guys don't kill, right?), he'll scream, "I'm sorry, Daddy! I'm sorry I said I didn't love you and then you died and now you can never know that I actually loved you because minor characters don't often come back from the dead! I wish I was on that island that John Locke was on and could wish you back into existence so I could say I loved you! Except hopefully you would say it back instead of treating me like crap the way Locke's father treated him. Would you love me then, Daddy?! Would you?" Then he'd look down at the bloody mess in the crib before him and think, "What did I just do?"

J'onn decides that Ace Ultra the Infant Destroyer of Worlds is more dangerous than Twat Lobo. Is J'onn crazy? Ace Ultra is not going to have a shitty monthly comic book coming out in the Fall, so I think Twat Lobo is more dangerous. Destroy him before his comic book can give me an embolism! And kill Klarion the Witch Boy while you're at it. I'd rather he be dead than written by Ann Nocenti. It's simply more humane.

Soon, a third problem even bigger than Twat Lobo crops up.

I don't know much about fashion and I know even less about zeta beam teleportation, but I think I know enough to not trust a teleportation system to some guy that fell for the stirrup collar shirt fashion trend.

J'onn decides to split up the teams to take care of their three problems. For some reason, he chooses Green Arrow to go with him, Supergirl, and Stargirl to stop Ace Ultra, Mixed-Race Baby. Oh, he probably realizes, as I did earlier, that Green Arrow is the only one with nothing to lose and therefore willing to stab a baby in the face and kill it. He asks Adam Strange, Animal Man, and Hawkman to stay behind and help old stirrup head. The last of the group, he sends after Twat Lobo.

If you've been paying attention, there is no last of the group. Why J'onn doesn't think Twat Lobo is a threat, I don't know! Doesn't he realize I'm going to be paying $2.99 a month to read his twatty adventures?! Help a brother out here, J'onn! Let Supergirl kill him!

And Green Arrow can stab a baby in the face. Right, J'onn? Um, J'onn? J'ONN! You forgot Green...ah, who cares.

All else doesn't fail, but Supergirl steps up and takes over J'onn's plan anyway. She takes Byth to a secret corner of Rann to beat him senseless leaving Stargirl and J'onn to deal with Ace Ultra, Toddler Destroyer of Worlds. He's really aging quickly now. Like one of those god-awful commercials companies are currently in love with where they show one person age across their entire life in the span of two minutes of ad time. Fuck you, whatever companies those are but I don't know because I'm an awful capitalist and only remember my own rage and not the product I'm mad at. Like I need any more reminders of my fleeting mortality! Now you want to sell me a product based on the fact that I'm aging quicker and quicker and will soon be feeding worms? Fuck off, you bastards! You've just ruined my night!

With Byth out of the way, J'onn manages to convince Ace Ultra that they can help him.

If only Byth had introduced Ace Ultra to the Stranger Danger Campaign earlier in his life cycle. It's never too early to start teaching your child to trust no one!

Meanwhile Hawkman sacrifices himself to save Rann by flying off into the sky with the unstable Zeta Beam Core. But when it explodes, he probably just got teleported forward in time a little bit to just after he blew up with the core because there were voices coming out of the Zeta Beam Matrix that didn't belong to anybody earlier. So it was probably Sardath saying, "I can't--I--," which probably meant he can't believe Hawkman sacrificed himself. And then another voice was saying, "Sardath?" And that voice was either Hawkman saying it or Animal Man saying it while elbowing Sardath and looking at Hawkman suddenly appearing.

The speech bubbles could also just have been placed funny. But it didn't look like a mistake.

And then Lobo runs over Supergirl's vagina.

FWAASH!

Only long time readers will understand the "FWAASH" caption. So basically, nobody understood it and I'm just sitting her amusing myself.

I said "amusing," not "abusing." Pervs.

Twat Lobo rescues Byth and they fly away to be super fucking annoying another day. And Supergirl recovers Hawkman's body and declares he's dead. Sure, sure. And he lost an arm as well, didn't he? He'll be back on his feet in no time. I have got to get me some of that Nth metal.

Justice League United #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far, I heartily approve of chili. Also of this team. My favorite part of this issue was when Martian Manhunter forgot Green Arrow, even though that was probably a mistake. But then I have a history of loving mistakes. When I first saw The Goonies in the theater, my favorite part was when Data said his favorite part was the Octopus! But there was no octopus! Man, I thought that was hilarious! The little genius smarting off and lying to the local media! My hero! Of course, years later, Disney decided to stick the octopus scene back in when they aired it on the Disney Channel and it ruined my entire life. That's the exact moment I just said, "To hell with it all." And that's why I'm a petty little asshole on the internet making fun of the creators of DC Comics. Thanks a lot, Disney!

Batman Eternal #13

I bet drawing an issue of Batman Eternal is a mandatory chore that the artists don't get paid for. "MIKEL! GUILLERMO! Get your pencils ready, you retreads! It's your turn!" Also, whoever yelled that pronounced "Mikel" as "Michael" and "Guillermo" as "Sally." Probably Dan Didio.

I'm going to read a book tonight! A whole book! And it'll be a book for adults with big words and everything! Although it might take me longer than a single night to read a book without pictures since I'll have to draw my own pictures as I'm reading it. Now I wish I wasn't doing this comic book blog so I could do a blog where I post pictures I drew inspired by the very adult books I've been reading. I don't mean "very adult" as in doodads get rubbed on geegaws! I mean "very adult" as in "I'm going to have to look up a lot of words in the dictionary if I want to understand this sucker!" I wonder if I can read Don Quixote in just one night? Oh, who am I kidding?! I can't even finish more than two comic books in one night!

Currently in Batman Eternal, Ex-commissioner James Gordon is being lectured by a serial killer. I'm a lot like that serial killer! It's easy to lecture people with conviction by pointing out how their conviction contains blind spots and fallacies and misconceptions! And then they can't turn it around on you when you don't hold any convictions at all! They'll say, "Well, you're a killer!" And the serial killer (not me! I've hardly killed anybody! Definitely not enough to be categorized "serial") will say, "I know I am! I'm a killer and I kill. What I don't do is say I'm a killer and then not kill! That would make me a hypocrite! Like you!" I italicized the "you" in that last sentence because you're supposed to hear it in your head as a taunting accusation filled with honey and venom. Honey and venom are very similar words! I wish venom tasted like honey! I'd go kiss a rattlesnake!

You know, if venom did taste like honey, that would be great! Because venom is venomous and not poisonous! So I can eat all the venom I want, right?! I just can't mainline it! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Am I using too many exclamation points? It's not like there's a limited supply! I'm just really excited about Honey Venom!

Looks like Batman has agreed to a cavity search!

Meanwhile in the offices of the Gotham Gazette, Vicki and her boss are discussing how many hits the Gotham Gazette's webpage gets. You know how many it should be getting? Zero! The only reason people visit online newspapers is because they love to masturbate to pop-up ads and scroll over noisemaking banners! Sometimes you get some extra kink when the site actually tells you that you need to register with the site to be able to read their vapid and inane news stories! I'm getting so hot just thinking about it! Fuck the media! Fuck them right in the ass! You know what the greatest film of all time was? Natural Born Killers! All the President's Men was also pretty good but Natural Born Killers depicted journalism itself bending over All the President's Men (what journalism had been) and anally raping the shit out of it for a few hours. I think journalism was actually still in denial and trying to fool the public into thinking they were a respectable institution. And then Natural Born Killers exposed them for what they truly were and they just said "Fuck it!" and dropped any semblance of honor or respectability.

You know why satire news shows are more legitimate sources for news than mainstream sources of news? Because mainstream sources of news think all opinions are equal. They purposefully misinterpret debates and create new debates based on misinterpreted notions. The media should be calling out politicians who willfully misinterpret other politicians to push their own agendas but instead the media gives all sides equal time. Meanwhile, all sides are arguing against a totally imaginary made-up fact simply to make the other side look like moronic assholes. But satire news outlets call people on their shit. So instead of the normal news allowing a politician to misrepresent another politician in order to make the other politician look like a fool, the satire news sites point out that the first politician is a fool for not understanding anything at all and being a complete and total douchebag.

I hate you, news outlets. I hate you, journalists. I hate you, local news anchors. You have created a platform for the worst people in the world to have voices because you just want to line your pockets with fat advertising revenue. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, assholes. Eat S-H-I-T.

Wow. I really got off track there and I didn't even get around to bitching about "Lois Lane's scathing editorials over at the Daily Planet." Fuck Lois Lane! She's supposed to be the greatest investigative reporter that ever lived in the DC Universe. What the fuck is she doing writing editorials about Jim Gordon's trial? Stop slumming it, Lane! Get your ass back into some sticky situations! And I don't mean Superman's bedroom!

Bandaids, bandages, aspirin, thread, condoms, Anal-Eze, tea, Kryptonite, grappling hooks, dog food, cat food, cow food.

The next scene takes place in the library where Stephanie Brown has been living ever since her father tried to kill her. I think it's time to play, "How Many Panels Until Stephanie Says 'SPOIL!'" It doesn't happen in the first sixteen panels she's a part of although her friend does blow up! I bet that spoiled her night!

Meanwhile Jason Bard's plot to bring down the Jeezly Crow Batman goes off without a hitch. I guess if you look at it from Commissioner Forbes perspective, it completely failed. But that's just one man! All the other Gotham Police on the raid with Bard feel like they've made some headway tonight even if Batman got away!

If the only people Forbes will let his police arrest are Batman and his minions, then start making Falcone's men smell like guano.

This is just the first half of the plan. Obviously Forbes isn't going to allow these men to be arrested. So how to force his hand?

Now that's journalism! Sure, it's manipulative! But it's about exposing the truth and the truth is what scares people in power into doing the right thing.

This is the main problem that journalism has come up against. Journalists and the media somehow think their job is to spread the messages of politicians to the general public. But journalism is supposed to be about forcing transparency. The media is supposed to expose things the government or corporations or local businesses want to keep hidden. The media is supposed to shine a light on the truth and let the people decide if the truth is one they can live with. The media is not supposed to shine a light on everybody's lies and let the citizens fight over which lie they believe in the most.

Back at Red Robin's Nest, wherever the fuck that is, Harper Row breaks in to do some investigating. She's still proving to Tim that she's much smarter and, obviously, better written than he ever was! I'm talking Reboot so don't send angry postcards! Unless your angry postcard is a ten dollar bill with a stamp on it! I accept those. Harper learns that Tim is headed to Tokyo to talk with a cybernetic monkey and his friend, Sergei Russiannameanov. He's the only one that could have created the nano-virus which Harper's brother and a bunch of other Gotham children were infected by. Tim doesn't know it but Sergei also had a panel or two where he said something like, "Whoops! The Nanos weren't supposed to do that yet!"

Oh look! A third part of the plan! Looks like a job will be opening up soon on the force!

Batman Eternal #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think DC should make all of their books weekly! But they should only have 13 titles if they do that because I'm not buying 52 weekly books! But I'm enjoying reading a story that updates each week! You know who else should learn about telling a story each week until the story is over? Mad Men! Whoever heard of a year long mid-season break, you assholes? Um. Sorry! Anyway, at some point, am I going to open up a copy of Batman Eternal which will direct me to reread Batman #28 so that it slots right into the story line? Maybe DC will just reprint Batman #28 as Batman Eternal #26 and the cover will just be Dan Didio's middle finger.

Nightwing #30

Is this issue going to begin in a cemetery fake burying Dick Grayson?

This issue begins in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I've said it before and I'll say it again and then I'll probably forget I said it two times already and I'll say it once more before probably saying it a few more times later but the name "Democratic Republic of Congo" is trying way to hard to sound like a free country! The name of the issue is "Un Cheval Pale" except the "a" in "pale" has a little carrot arrow thing on top of it. I think that punctuation mark is called "the beanie." It probably causes the "a" to be pronounced as if you were choking on a load of snot slowly sliding down the back of your throat. This issue is called that because a load of killers and assassins roam the Democratic Republic of Congo tuering and assassinering gens. They call themselves Die Faust Der Kain because the title was too French and they wanted to not only create mort people but also Totes! And pale horses and fists of Cains are pretty good signs that death is coming right at you!

Gross! I guess they liked to fick the corpses in le cul!

Doctor Thompkins is rescued by a Hannibal's Secret model with purple wings and no bra. She takes her to be interrogated by a man with a face like quicksand. She tells them about a seminal moment in her life involving a young child and his dead parents. Don't worry! Seminal has nothing to do with sex like it might sound! At least not in the way I used it! I didn't mean she had a moment in her life that was covered in semen involving a child and his dead parents. That might fly over in an Image comic book but DC is all about family entertainment and dead sidekicks! She also believes she might have told these people too much! And that could be bad since they work for Spyral.

This is why Alfred usually murders people who discover Batman's secret identity. Alfred's motto is "What Batman doesn't know can't hurt him, but what other people know, can." It's actually half motto, half rationalization for his love of serial killing.

Later, Alfred's fucking heart is broken because Batman won't let him in on the secret that Dick Grayson didn't die. Bruce, you're a monster! You might think you're protecting Alfred and Dick by convincing everybody Dick is dead, but what you're really just doing is destroying him. You're destroying yourself and your relationships! Remember how often keeping things from the people closest to you worked out when they discovered you were keeping things from them? In seventy five years, I'd be able to count how many times it worked on my fingers even if I'd been in a major farming accident with an augur and lost both hands! But that's why, as I mentioned in a previous commentary, Bruce's motto (he has one too!) is "Keep your friends in the dark and your enemies in Arkham."

Batman and Dick spar without any shirts on and everybody that is into two hot, sweaty guys wrestling without any shirts (I'd estimate that's about 98% of everybody) say, "Homina homina homina." Then, even though they're curious to find out what kind of mission Batman has for Dick that needs him to stay dead, they go and relieve their sexual tension in whatever their favorite way of relieving sexual tension is (I'd estimate 98% of the 98% rubbed a cat on their genitals).

Batman wants Dick to remain dead and infiltrate Spyral.

And it must be really important to him because the Batmobile isn't the only thing smashed in the sparring. Damian's Robin Suit Memorial. The Batplane. A giant die. The Batcycle. A question mark. A bunch of computers. Even the dinosaur loses some teeth.

Not only does Batman not care that Alfred's heart is breaking, Batman doesn't care that Alfred is going to have to clean up this fucking mess! I bet Alfred discovers some of Dick Grayson's blood as he's cleaning. And since Alfred has tended the wounds of Dick and Bruce and Jason and Tim for more years than he can count (he's getting old and can't count very high anymore), he'll probably recognize it immediately. "Why, that's Master Grayson's blood! I'd know those erythrocytes anywhere!"

Dick eventually agrees to infiltrate Spyral. But not because it will save the heroes from having their identities exposed. And not because Batman asked him to do it. He'll do it so he can hide from Dan Didio. Maybe if he's in a comic book called "Grayson," he'll be able to fly under the radar and Didio will stop going around trying to get him killed off.

Grayson goes around the world taking out members of The Fist of Cain until Spyral notices him and recruits him. They know he was Nightwing and now they have use for him. Somehow. Maybe they need circus entertainers for a festival.

Nightwing #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. It was a fitting end to the story that was being told. Hopefully Dick will find friends in Spyral that will make him happy! I don't like that Nightwing won't be interacting with the rest of the super heroes of the DC Universe. I doubt that will last long though. Secrets never keep in the DC Universe. They just remain secret when the story needs them to be secret and then they're not secret at all when a writer forgets they're supposed to be secret. It gets a little confusing when DC creates a bunch of covert, black ops organizations but everybody fucking knows about them all. Let's see how long they can keep Dick and Task Force X secret now that they've rebooted them! My guess is two months! And not starting with their next first issues! I mean starting now!

Supergirl #31

Does having two opposable digits on each hand help a creature evolve even quicker?

Once again, it's time for Supergirl's Bum! Supergirl's Bum! Supergirl's Bum! What did I say? Supergirl's Bum!
It'll look you in the eye and you'll fall in love! Supergirl's Bum!
You'll look it in the eye and you'll fall in love! Supergirl's Bum!
It was always kind of angry!
But now it's really angry!
It'll curb stomp your heart! It's Supergirl's Bum!

Currently, The Red Lanterns (including Supergirl's Bum) are hunting down Judge Red because she's decided to become the law. And they have to find her before Dex-Starr finds her because what group of Red Lanterns would you join? The group with a red haired dickface, a living beach ball, and a decaying ox, or the one with the adorable kitty cat?! If you didn't answer "the adorable kitty cat," you are dead inside and/or a poseur.

Although I did misrepresent the side without a kitty cat since I forgot to mention Supergirl's Bum was on that team. Did I forget to mention Supergirl's Bum? You do know about it, right? It's pretty freakin' adorable.

Oh my god! Dex-Starr is adorable too! I can't decide which team to root for!?

It must be noted that Supergirl's Bum has decided to remain in the background so far this issue. But Dex-Starr has come out of the gates swinging!

Now I'm picturing race horses wearing boxing gloves! That's fucking cute too! Unless it's animal abuse. But at least it's adorable animal abuse!

You can has everyting!

Dex-Starr begins firing lasers out of his tail but he doesn't flip the fuck out and try to capture all of the lasers at the same time. I guess he can suppress his cat instincts when he needs to.

Why do cats instinctively attack lasers?! I think that's proof of ancient aliens somehow!

Meanwhile in New York, Silver Banshee's witch roommate and her coven play with powers beyond their ken!

"It's not a game! It's a tool!" -- Carl, my stoner buddy, twenty years ago in my mom's basement over a Ouija Board and bathed in candlelight.

Because the coven forgot to take the proper precautions like not being in a fictional medium, they summon Blaze the Demonic Demon! Blaze asks the witches, "Where is Supergirl?" Well, if Blaze would get off the fucking Ouija Board, they might be able to find out for her.

Back on Primeen, Supergirl's Bum gets a chance to offer a rebuttal to Dex-Starr's points. Instead, Supergirl's Bum decides to rest on its past laurels and simply not appear at all!

So close and yet so far off panel!

By the way, nobody has found Judge Red yet.

Also, I should probably mention this here before I'm inundated with comments that Supergirl's Bum has made an appearance up until this point. And while this is technically true, the picture was upside down and it really wasn't Lupacchino and McCarhty's best effort. It certainly wasn't worth scanning and it certainly wasn't saying something cute like "I can has dingleberry?"

By the way, immediately after pointing out Supergirl's Bum hasn't made an appearance and Judge Red has not yet been found, both appear on the next page! But not in any way interesting enough to scan. I'm really getting disappointed.

Here we go! We're going to get a lot of "I sentence you to..." and "I declare you..." one liners!

Judge Red does judge Supergirl. And even though Supergirl is guilty of punching a lot of people in the face, those infractions aren't even misdemeanors. They're just kind of bad manners. So Judge Red declares Kara is innocent, although flawed and dangerous. Can't that be said of all of us? I mean those of us that haven't murdered anybody yet.

Supergirl heads off to the Red Lantern's Bar and Ship to get the vat of Blood Ocean the Lanterns brought with them. Kara needs to dunk Judge Red into it so that she'll lose the frenzied courtroom drama and calm the fuck down a little bit. While Kara goes to get the Blood Tank, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr move in to make friends. That will take place in Red Lanterns #31 (on sale next week!). But for now, this story needs to end somehow.

Well, that's how that ends! With this guy again! I wonder what his ass looks like?

Supergirl #31 Rating: No change. I'm enjoying Supergirl's time as a Red Lantern because it's brought a little bit of focus into her life. Before her anger was unfocused and directed at anybody she met. Now she can at least punch people that deserve to get punched. Plus she's finally made another friend in Bleez! That makes two whole friends Supergirl has made! She's better at making friends than I am!

Sorry for the lack of Supergirl's Bum pictures. It appears no artist seems to care about it as much as Mahmud Asrar did.

Lois Lane #1

I suppose naming this comic book "Superman: Lois Lane" is marginally less insulting than naming it "Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane."

I hope the next Superman-related comic book DC puts out is called "Superman's Bitch Jimmy Olsen."

One thing you can say about Kenneth Rocafort's cover art is "Are they still publishing "Choose Your Own Adventure" books?" You can say some other stuff too if you want. That was just one thing. You could also have said, "What is all that purple shit in the street?" Or maybe "Why is there a gigantic Sphinx-like bust of Lois Lane in the middle of the street in downtown Metropolis?" Perhaps you might even have said, "Why the fuck would I want to buy a comic book about Courtney Cox?" But if you said that, you probably weren't looking very closely at the cover. Also why would you even say that? I would totally buy a comic book about Courtney Cox! You might have also said, looking over at your friend shuffling on the carpet of the comic book store awkwardly waiting for you to get your funny books, "DC must have had a shortage on "M"s. Get it? See down here in the corner? Ha ha."

I'm probably not the right person to be doing any kind of review on a Lois Lane comic book. I assure you, right here up front so you know what you're getting into, I will be handling it without any dignity at all. I will probably make a joke or two about things going up her ass. I will treat her career as a "journalist" with no modicum of respect. If you're looking for a thoughtful, intelligent piece on why DC should embrace this feminist icon and produce a monthly book with Lois Lane, this is not it. Although, just for the record so you know where I stand (you should email me a brief synopsis of your own thoughts so I am on equal footing with your footing), I would love a monthly Lois Lane book. Not one where she's battling monsters and hoping Superman rescues her (not that she needs it! But to get some of the good old frottage as he carries her around to place in the old spank bank for later). I want a comic book about her investigating superheroes and discovering their secret identities and ruining their lives for the sake of her own career. That would be truly the best.

Stop being so dramatic, Lola! You were in a coma for about two days and most of that time was spent flying around as an astral projection!

Even without being in a coma, sleep is irritating. I love sleeping and I love dreaming but I really wouldn't mind spending that extra time doing something while conscious. I also resent every second of my day spent acquiring and eating food. I don't mind pooping though. That's time well spent.

Lois Lane begins by speaking about the etymology of the word Nostalgia. I've seen this before in comic book form since it was used in that episode of Mad Men where Draper has to give a presentation on the Kodak Carousel. It seems we've entered a time when we're not just nostalgic for home but for the word nostalgia itself. That sentence doesn't really make any sense but you probably wouldn't have thought twice about it if I hadn't grabbed your arm, stopped you, and pointed down at it. Although now it sounds like I'm calling you stupid or imperceptive! I mean, compared to Lois Lane, I think we're all profoundly stupid and imperceptive. At least she knows the true meaning of the word nostalgia unlike that poor lost soul Don Draper.

You can tell I'm ready for the next season of Mad Men! Get on with it already!

Lois is thinking about nostalgia because she's about to have a ton of it when her sister crashes through a window into her house speaking their old childhood secret language and looking for help. Lois's sister's girlfriend has been kidnapped and she needs help. But first, it's time for more of that pain from an old wound/painful yearning to return home. I can see why Don Draper chooses to say the thing the way he says it. It's so much more poetic, especially when seen through the experiences of his own youth and military past. The current Don Draper exists only because of an old wound. He has no actual home to yearn to return to. He has only an old wound and the corpse of the original Don Draper to return to. Whatever was before that, Don had no interest in. At least back during that episode. The end of Season 6 shows that Don is beginning to finally feel the weight of nostalgia crashing down upon him.

I should probably stop talking about Don Draper and get back to Lois Lane. Or maybe I should concentrate on their similarities! No, no. I'd better just move on. This isn't college essay week here at Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Fuck, it's never college essay week here! That shit is hard work. Mostly because you have to present coherent ideas that make an interesting point. It's easier to just come up with that profound nonsense I mentioned earlier.

I did just learn, after asking Lord Google which was the last season of Mad Men so I could type "Season Six" instead of "the last season of Mad Men" so the sentence would retain its specificity even after a new season ends, that Season Seven of Mad Men begins April 13th. Yay!

Okay, no more Mad Men! I'm going to concentrate on Lois Lane now.

Lois has a memory about her mother and how her mother told her society can suck it big time and then she died. Maybe that's not an exact quote or an exact timeline of events but I warned you I wasn't going to take this as seriously as you might have liked! Maybe you want to hear how Lois's mom taught her to think for herself. Maybe you want to hear how Lois's mom told her that she and her sister get to define themselves, that they get to incorporate or eject any part of their lives that they wish, that they are in complete control of who they will grow up to be and how they think about that person. But I'm not going to point out any of that shit. Lois's mom died and Lucy grew up knowing only Lois as a mother figure. Which is why she's come to Lois for help now that her girlfriend has been kidnapped. Although they must not have remained as close as Lois would have liked if her sister is calling her girlfriend her "roommate." As if Lois doesn't already know her little sister is gay. Lois is the best investigative journalist in the DC Universe!

Oh my God! In those old Marvel vs DC issues, did they ever pit Jimmy Olsen against Peter Parker?! How could they have not? Now I want to read those old issues and they'd better fucking exist or I'm shooting a puppy. Hey Marvel and DC from the past? Do you want to be responsible for a dead puppy? Then hopefully you considered the consequences of your actions when you wrote those team-ups and had a photo-shoot-off with Olsen and Parker! Judged by J. Jonah Jameson and Perry White (who later in the comic book wind up marrying each other).

It's a little bit creepy that she picked a girlfriend that looks so much like her sister. And a cat that looks so much like Jimmy Olsen.

Lucy's girlfriend Amanda had been taking pills that were supposedly helping her with an illness she had. She got them from someone named Ostermann which doesn't sound anything like it's probably a long-lived Nazi doctor that enjoys experimenting on the human race. This sentence should probably be set aside to apologize for any readers named Ostermann but instead I'm going to use it to remind myself to watch that Nature show tonight on PBS about Honey Badgers. The pills were making Lucy turn into some kind of demony monster thing. And eventually, a group called The Cartel came to collect her. They call themselves The Cartel because they're boring and unimaginative and must be of the generation that thinks simple, one word names that completely express what the thing is or why it exists are the best. So a restaurant should be called Eat. An art gallery should be called Snoot. A coffee shop should be called Perk. And a group that kidnaps people and engages in smuggling, fencing, and monopolistic price gouging should be called The Cartel. Actually, I'm being too imaginative with some of these!

Lois suggests that this is a job for Superman and Lucy says, "Fuck that illegal alien." And Lois goes, "Really? REALLY?" And Lucy is all, "We can't just allow everybody to live how they like! Some people, like white male alien supermen, really should be controlled somehow." This reminds me of my mom's philosophy on why she hates Middle Easterners: "Everybody needs at least one group to hate." Good point, mom! I think I'll make my group "racist moms."

Lois hits the streets in a montage of questioning people that might know something. This group of pictures as she chases down her lead needs some music behind it. I've recently hired my iTunes to score my comic books so let's find out what music iTunes thinks should back this scene: "All the Way" by the Indigo Girls. Hmm, not bad. It sort of changes the mood of the scene from tough journalist getting answers from even the scariest of street toughs to sensitive moment as she digs around to help one of the few people in her life whom she loves through a terrible tragedy.

Once she begins getting scent of The Cartel and its location, Lois calls in Jimmy Olsen to borrow one of his cameras. And the scene between them is precious.

I hope this Lois Lane One-Shot outsells Superman (which is always crap, each and every month Lobdell's name is on it!) this month. Could a Lois Lane monthly be the book that finally gives Bennett a home?

One important thing I've learned so far from this comic book is that Lois Lane sucks at spelling. Just like the blacksmith from Smallville!

Ha ha! So embarasing!

Lois finds that The Cartel is somehow linked to a new drug being sold on the streets of Metropolis. That drug is the one Amanda, Lucy's girlfriend, was taking. As Lois tries to buy some of the drug, she and the dealer and his thugs are captured by members of The Cartel. It seems they're cleaning up the streets. Perhaps they're just taking away the people that have transformed into monsters while on their drug so that people can't see the consequences of it. Or they might be good guys and The Cartel is a drug rehabilitation group. Maybe they're like The Initiative from Buffy? Hey, that's another group with a stupid, minimalist name!

So pretty much exactly like The Initiative.

As a prisoner of The Cartel (or the agents called something else because who knows what is true because Lucy is a drug abusing liar), Lois is placed inside a cell within earshot of very important and probably secret things being said. And these people know who she is, so they must really want the story to get out. It's the third oldest trick in The Book (right after pretending your wife is your sister and tricking your father into getting drunk and having sex with you)! Kidnap the hottest reporter in journalism (by hottest I mean most efficient not best looking. Technically Cat is a reporter too), pretend you're holding her prisoner but keep her in a closet near your office, talk really loudly and slowly while enunciating very carefully, and finally allow her to escape using her wits and charms. Then she rushes off to the office and bangs out a front page news story that will win her a Pulitzer. I don't know why they'd want this story out they. It seems Ostermann's drug was supposed to be used to heal people but instead it incorporated the DNA of any creature that came in contact with the use. So kind of a win/lose/mutate kind of situation.

Oh yeah, the most important thing that Lois learns? Her sister was also taking the drug! Which I hinted at earlier when I called her a drug abusing liar.

Lois Lane escapes using her wits and charms because I said that was going to happen and it did. I haven't leveled up in a while as a Master Comic Book Reader, so even though that prediction that she escapes isn't worth very many Experience Points, it's enough to make me a Master Comic Book Reader of the West Wind.

Lois finds The Initiative has lost all control of its drug addicted captives when she breaks out. After freeing Amanda, she helps to keep people safe alongside Captain Masonic Symbols Face. Lois is not just a reporter; she's a hero! And even though she could instantly call Superman by whispering, "I'm not wearing any pants," she chooses not to because she promised her sister Lucy that she wouldn't get him involved. Besides, she can take care of herself. The only reason we always see her getting rescued is because Superman is obsessed with her and overprotective. Dude, give her some space.

And finally, Lois and Amanda escape on a gigantic mosquito flea. Okay fine. I didn't see that coming. But that doesn't cost me any experience! It's not like missing an upcoming plot point is like being touched by a Wraith.

As Lois flies away on a half human/half mosquito/half why the fuck is it so big creature, I begin thinking about Lucy Lane. Didn't she appear in an early issue of Action Comics or Superman? Didn't Lois try to set her up with Clark? Lois really doesn't know her sister is gay, does she? But Lois does say earlier in this issue that "everyone is a bit blind about family." Even the greatest investigative reporter in the world!

I'm surprised Lois hasn't quit her job yet. The era of the great investigative journalist ended a couple of decades ago. Now news programs are just filled with talking heads either regurgitating official messages received during a press conference or vomiting up their own opinions concerning everything as if it were real news. News reports are filled with people on the street interviews which I've never understood. Report events not how people on the street didn't ever think the event could happen in their neighborhood. Stop reporting on local incidents that only matter to the individual the incident happened to! Stop showing viral videos. It's not really "news" if it doesn't matter to the populace at large and also if that populace has already seen it which is why the video went viral and you stupid news flunkies heard about it. Stop interrupting network shows with local election results that can be found on every other station or online or just revealed at the normal news hours. Shut up with your breaking and exclusive news brags on every fucking story. Eat my bunghole. You know what's better than news or stories or reviews done as fast as possible so you have the glory of being the first person to respond? Quality. Fucking quality, assholes. You can probably find a definition of it online even though that definition won't tell you the importance of it. Immediacy seems to be everybody's number one concern these days. Fuck immediacy. Take some time with this shit.

Always the reporter no matter what the cost! Hell, she was going to publish Superman's secret identity if it hadn't been eaten out of her psyche by Parasite.

Apparently Captain Masonic Symbols Face is actually just called The Agent. This is where I would link to my comment earlier about these jerks not having any imagination but I hate using hashtag HREF hyperlinks. Also I'm lazy.

Lois asks Superman to go check up on the other addicts after she gets home with Amanda and the giant flea mosquito which turns out to be Lucy. Captain Masonic Symbols Face pleads with Lois to have some discretion and not report the story since his group were taking care of it and detoxing everybody addicted to the drug. And finally Lois and Lucy hug or something sappy. I wasn't really paying much attention because there were no monsters or fighting or anything. It was just some nostalgic crap about not flying and not being caught and never letting your sister something or other alone.

Superman: Lois Lane One-Shot #1 Rating: More Lois Lane comic books please. And either a back-up feature with Jimmy Olsen or make sure he guest stars a lot. Also keep Bennett in the writer's seat. And lose the "Superman:" part of the title. Lois doesn't need to piggy back on Superman's face to get readers. Although that would probably get a lot of readers. The most readers even! But she doesn't need to!

Justice League Dark #27

Who the fuck cares? The Sins have been utterly useless up until this point.

Last issue, Justice League Dark had realized that Chris the Babysitter couldn't be saved. At least Constantine thinks he realized that. The rest of the soft-hearted fools still think he can be saved. They've been listening to Gandalf again, haven't they? Gandalf is pro letting evil jerks live! And just because he was right in that one instance that saved the world, it doesn't mean his theory holds true across other situations.

If God can work in mysterious ways, why can't we work in mysterious ways too? I want to be able to commit crimes and use the defense that "I work in mysterious ways!" The judge should nod knowingly while sticking out his lower lip in contemplation of a well-told defense, and then he can instruct the jury to take into account that the defendant "works in mysterious ways" when deliberating. Why does God get to be special? Aren't we made in his image?

I was walking past a Carrera yesterday (it's a car!) and thought, "Cool! I want to drive a Gamera!" And then I reread the name and thought, "Stupid lousy font."

Is that enough rambling? Should I read the comic book now?

So anyway, things weren't going well at the end of Pandora #7.

Fight evil with evil? Does that mean...ETRIGAN?!

Zauriel, The Phantom Stranger, and Pandora have all faked their deaths again! Now they're inside of Blight searching for Hope. By Hope I mean Chris Esperanza just like I've meant it in every fucking Forever Evil: Blight commentary I've written! Try to keep up. What am I saying? Why should you keep up when I can't even keep up and I'm writing this shit? That's asking way too much of anybody. You know, asking someone to pay attention to something that's not about themselves. Oh! I bet that's why my only Follower is me!

Since The Phantom Stranger and Pandora and the Angel are resorting to an old plan, John decides to do the same thing. Once again, Swamp Thing and Deadman hit the front lines as distractions while he and the Nightmare Nurse make a little magic. If you know what I mean.

No, seriously. See? That's what I meant!

Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse give birth to their most vile thoughts and deeds. Blight versions of themselves are released into the world to battle Blight. This might be a case of introducing an invasive species into a non-native environment for the sole purpose of rooting out another invasive species. It's definitely not the plan I was hoping for! You know the one. The one where Nightmare Nurse drunk dials Etrigan and says, "Hey babe. We've got a situation. And you owe me, like, ten thousand or something. Can you Gone Gone The Form of Man your way over here? Thanks! Kisses!"

Meanwhile deep inside Blight's bloated belly, Zauriel stops Pandora and The Stranger from freeing Hope because, as Zauriel says, Hope isn't done yet. It needs to bake for another five to ten issues before it can emerge as a new Earthly Savior to save everybody on Earth. Hmm. Redundant!

Zauriel tells Pandora and The Stranger to follow their hearts while he battles Blight's inner defenses. Can't you be more clear? It's those fucking mysterious ways again, isn't it? Why does God even bother going through the motions if he's omniscient? Linear time must be so fucking boring for God. It's like sitting through Star Wars for the eleventh trillion time. I wonder how many times I've seen Star Wars? Has to be at least five.

Back in reality, John's beast-self is about to destroy Blight's host when The Nightmare Nurse's vile-self stops him. So, once again, Justice League Dark almost defeats Blight but somebody stops it from happening because they can't allow Chris the Babysitter to die. You know what? Fuck Chris the Babysitter! He died once already and was brought back to life! Just do that again! Unless it doesn't work that way. Maybe that's why Jesus Christ is never coming back! Because you only get one do-over! So forget about the Second Coming, people! Since technically the Second Coming would be the Third Coming. I think. The Bible is confusing.

But at least I understand enough of it to have realized that Chris the Babysitter was the Hope and the Light of Mankind. Just as The Phantom Stranger and Pandora finally realize when they awaken Chris with their love. Love is a synonym for genitalia, right?

I think this is the meaning of the Rainbow Connection! "The lovers! The Dreamers! And Chris! Babysitting all of us jerks! We know that he's probably a pedo!"

I also just understood why he was a babysitter! Because he's here to take care of all of us! And we're all babies in God's eyes! Except for me! I'm a man! With man feelings! Yeah yeah yeah!

And so Chris is free to redeem mankind. And since that's how I've been calling it for about twenty issues now, I've earned another level to my Comic Book Reader Class! I'm now a Master Comic Book Reader of Dragons!

And so, with Blight defeated, the psychic static clears and Constantine can once again feel Zatanna and the other magic users of the DC Universe. He knows where they are. They are cogs in The Thaumaton! That is θαυμάτων in proper Greek! Which means Wonderland! I think. Boy, I sure am wishy washy on everything I think I know!

Justice League Dark #27 Rating: No change! I went out to breakfast this morning and when I got home, a package was waiting for me from my mother. It had various surprises in it for Valentine's Day but this was the best one:

Yes, it's a pirated version she purchased from eBay. But fuck if you can find a legally purchased copy anywhere! She also sent me linguiça. Which is odd. But appreciated since I haven't had it in a very long time. My grandmother used to make it for me so it's a very special sausage. Shut up.