Green Arrow #10

I've never before noticed that leg Green Arrow has coming out of his armpit.

Today was a disaster because my comic book store did not get new comics in and also they were closed. This is because I live in Portland, Oregon. You may have heard that we are experiencing the end of the world right now due to a foot of snow falling in one day. No other city in any other nation has ever had it as bad as we had it here the last two days. From now on, whenever I hear anybody mention Aleppo, I'd better hear somebody else say, "That's nothing! What about what happened in Portland?!" Then at the mention of Portland, everybody will lower their heads in respect and think of the poor hipsters who couldn't get any new records or be seen in line at ¿Por Qué No? I can only imagine these last two days was what John the Apostle saw in his vision that caused him to write Revelations. I did mention how I couldn't get my new comics today, right?

So in the DC Universe, there exists a train which runs under the Pacific Ocean linking Seattle with Shanghai. Ollie compares it to some architectural marvels like the Great Wall of China or the Pyramid of Giza. Is he insane?! Those "architectural marvels" are no better than stacking blocks! Sure, they're big blocks! And over incredibly long distances and rugged terrain (in the case of the wall! The pyramid is like just sitting there in sand and shit). But if you want to talk about architectural marvels, how about all those fucking cathedrals and mosques and wherever Jewish people worship that sometimes took six hundred years to complete. Six hundred years! I don't start a project if I think it's going to take up my entire weekend, let alone thirty generations of my offspring! I know I mock religion incessantly on this blog but I can't begrudge it its power to compel people toward great achievements. I suppose if I believed I would have eternity to play video games after I died, I wouldn't begrudge a bit of daily housework.

Under Bear Fuck Island, Ollie, Diggle, and Dinah are preparing to catch the Trans-Pacific Railway as it speeds by without stopping. It does slow down a little bit as they're expecting a container of heroin to be dropped on board.

Oh forget the stupid fucking bow, you rich fucker. It's not like it's fucking Rosebud.

Look at the above scan. Diggle is either falling on his face or he's a champion fucking long jumper (with no technique). Diggle would have been better off just running aboard so I think he actually is tripping over his semen soaked, bear beshitted boots.

Ollie is all, "The bow is all I have left!" And Dinah is all, "You have like eighty secret hideouts all over Seattle full of trick arrows and pornography! You'll live!" Diggle falls out of the container as it drops onto the train but he's able to hang on with one hand. To a train going like six hundred miles per hour. Um, probably. I bet it's because his hands are still sticky from honey. You know, the honey he ate while cuddling with the bear he fucked on Bear Fuck Island. Oliver, on the other hand (the one not holding onto the train), misses the train completely. Except he's got one chance left! He fires a grapple arrow into the side of the train and doesn't rip both arms out of socket as he hangs on to the rope going taught at, probably, six hundred miles per hour. These are some bad-ass men! What was Dinah so fucking worried about?

Oliver boards the train through the back door and now has to walk up to the shipping container to reunite with Black Canary. Diggle is probably dead. On his way, Ollie passes through a train car full of luxury vehicles. He just happens to notice one of them had their trunk forced open even though they're all backed up against the wall and he's walking in front of them. I guess he does need a good eye for shooting arrows so accurately. He jumps to the conclusion that somebody was probably stowing away in the trunk but when he investigates, he just finds a bunch of bottles of an energy drink called "Oh!"

Oh shit. This is the maiden voyage? So no heroin has yet to reach Seattle from Bear Fuck Island? Ollie truly is better than Batman! Also, do you call train journeys voyages? I guess if they're under the ocean, right?

Black Canary shrugs her shoulders and leaves Diggle and Ollie to die. If the idiots couldn't board the carrier in time, that's their stupid problem. Instead of trying to help Diggle, she decides to crawl across the top of the train until she can find a way in. I imagine it must have been heartbreaking ignoring Diggle's screams for help.

Percy puts in a bit of Black Canary Narration Boxing so the reader knows she's confident that Ollie and Diggle are okay. I mean, there's no way she can really know that. But I guess she's just an optimist. She decides to go undercover because obviously there is something super suspicious happening on this train. It was being used to transport heroin, for Christ's sake! I mean it was going to be used for that purpose!

Of course Black Canary is right not to be worried because Diggle manages to save himself.

The Pacific Ocean isn't hot at all!

Diggle winds up in a fight with the bartender who is a mercenary that recognizes Diggle by reputation. But he'll be all right, I'm sure. Dinah certainly isn't worried as she steals a dress that conveniently has a black canary pattern on the front. As if anybody else in the world has ever heard of a black canary! Um, they're not really a thing, are they?

Dinah runs into some guy named Amin Mustafa who decides it's more important to try to get laid than to have a hot woman prove her identity to security. I totally get that!

Uh-oh! I bet I know what's going to happen!

Actually, I already knew something like that was going to happen because being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I made sure to contemplate and analyze the title of the story before reading the story. The title was "Murder on the Empire Express". I didn't say they're all hard to analyze.

Mustafa recognizes Dinah Lance as the lead singer of Black Canary but it doesn't seem to worry him. He does remember how every single venue Black Canary played would wind up trashed, right? And he does remember that they're a mile or two beneath the surface of the ocean, right?! This is going to be a disaster!

Meanwhile, Ollie read the ingredients on Oh! and realized that the main ingredient is conotoxin. According to Google, I mean Ollie, it's "one of the deadliest and swiftest poisons in the world." But not only that! He also says, "If blended with phenol, you've got a toxic cocktail that would shut down your organs and jelly your brain." If it's so swift and deadly, why does it need to be made swifter and deadlier? And how come Oliver knows this stuff? Did he learn it while on The Island?

Oliver makes a Boxing Glove Arrow and fans are all, "Ugh. Really? That was cool and funny and retro like the first five thousand times it's been brought back. But this five thousandth and one time is just too much." Then he finds Diggle bleeding all over the place. Diggle warns him that there's an assassin on board! And Oliver is all, "Duh! I already figured that out. Totally way before you did. You've got no game, brother." Not long after that, Mustafa drinks some non-alcoholic champagne and drops dead. She's all, "There's an assassin on board! I just figured it out when this guy was assassinated!" She's the worst of the three!

The poison works too quickly because Mustafa dies almost immediately after taking a sip and now everybody knows the champagne is poisoned and nobody else is going to drink it. I mean, maybe a few people will because they're terribly thirsty and they don't believe bad things ever happen to them. But fuck those people. They were probably going to get hit by a car on a dark, rainy night anyway thinking, "That car has to stop for me because it's the law."

To make sure even those fuckwits don't die, Black Canary uses her Canary Cry to shatter all of the champagne flutes. And probably a bunch of ear drums too. And maybe one or two brain stems.

Green Arrow arrives as the assassin tries to flee the train car. Then he explains how his plan totally worked although he doesn't explain exactly why he wanted it to work. I guess he was just paid by somebody with an interest in keeping the Middle East and North Africa from forming some kind of peace treaty. Green Arrow figures it's the perfect time to be an annoying scold.

He's a murderer for hire! Do you think he fucking cares?!

Green Arrow is all, "You're disgusting! So gross! Problematic to the nth degree!" And the assassin is all, "Oh! I'm so ashamed now! I want people to like me and my pockets bulging with blood money!" The assassin gets away because Green Arrow wants to hear the answer to his riddle, "Ever heard of an Irish Goodbye?" Instead of saying "No" while knocking the guy out, Oliver is all, "What's that?!" Then the assassin shuts down the lights and sneaks away.

Then this happens and nobody says, "Oh no! It was this other guy who completely confessed to it and even said why he killed Amin. These two were trying to stop him!", because this is a stupid comic book and poorly written and desperate for some kind of shitty cliffhanger, no matter how fucking contrived it might be. Also, I think Black Canary may have broken her back at some point during the story.

The Rating!
-1! From now on, whenever a comic book ends like this where the heroes have just stopped the bad guy but then the everyday heroes come along and decide to arrest or beat up the good guys, I am dropping the stupid fucking comic book. It's the trope I hate the most and I'm currently incensed! I'm angrier about this than people thinking Trump is smart. How stupid do you have to be to listen to Trump speak and think, "That guy sure ain't dumb!"?

Green Arrow #9

Green Arrow offers Black Canary some protection as she perfumes her vagina.

According to the cover, Bear Fuck Island is also full of heroin poppies! That totally makes sense because when you're a bear, the greatest thing to do after eating a mouthful of poppies is to fuck whoever just washed up on shore. Also, the poppies are probably the reason the half-faced woman is building robots to guard the island! It's like how the Great and Terrible Oz decided to rule over Oz when he realized the street value of the heroin poppy fields surrounding the Emerald City. His hot air balloon basket was definitely lined with bags of heroin which is why he had to pretend to float off without Dorothy. The heroin just added too much weight to support a human female and her little dog too.

Last issue, I stated that Black Canary and Green Arrow were searching for Diggle by following bear tracks and semen. You probably thought I was joking, right? Well take a look at this, not true believers! I hope Stan Lee can't sue me for typing that.

Gross!

While tracking Diggle and a certain bear that isn't wild simply because it's a bear but also because it's not civilized enough to understand the meaning of consent, Dinah and Ollie stumble on the field of orchids. I mean poppies! Poppies are the ones that make heroin. Orchids are the ones that look sexually perturbing. While he and Dinah share a moment of silence for all of the lives ruined by heroin, somebody falls off of the cliff behind them. Mostly because Green Arrow shoots an arrow at the lip of the cliff, destroying it. I guess that's his Mountain Smashing Arrow that you all remember.

The man who fell off the cliff is Ata, a First Nations...um...First Nationer. He gets all snippy with Green Arrow because Green Arrow is a white man. Gah! It's so tiresome always getting called out on being a white male! It's like every time I take something that doesn't belong to me, or act like a woman in pain is just being dramatic, or call my retarded friends gay, people are always all, "Typical white guy!" How fair is that?! I mean, the guy has a point. Ollie is totes privved. That means "totally privileged" for all of you uncool readers out there. Also, I didn't want to spell privilege. But then I realized it might be confusing so I got out my word calculator and learned how to spell it correctly anyway.

Meanwhile, John Diggle is saying stupid things to his captor.

Don't admit to being enemies! Aren't you supposed to just be repeating your rank and serial number?!

Oh, my mistake! Diggle must know what he's doing because after calling Half-Face here a Ninth Circle Employee, she flips the fuck out trying to point out how she isn't one of them. She proves this by explaining her whole Bear Fuck Island operation to Diggle. In practically no time at all, Ana (that's Half-Face's real name) and Diggle become business partners! Apparently the natives of Bear Fuck Island are just trying to bring green technology to the world and make a little cash doing it. The Ninth Circle provided them with a substantial business loan but to secure the loan, Ana's tribe also had to produce heroin. Diggle explains how the Inferno sank and the bank is dead. But Ana insists that they still probably have two more Bank Ships floating about, the Purgatorio and the Paradiso!

Green Arrow and Black Canary learn all about the Bear Fuck Islander natives' tech from Ata as he leads them to the Bear Creation Laboratory. Apparently all the fucking bears died off but he brought them back for perverted reasons. And now Bear Fuck Island wants to bring their Fucking Bear Technology to the mainland! Except those gosh darned Bankers and Businessmen won't let them! I don't mean the regular ones that are just normal evil and vile! I'm talking about the weirdo ones that burn their employees' skin off before giving them a promotion.

Somewhere in the last eight issues, Green Arrow and Black Canary fell head over heels in love. I'm not sure I can pinpoint the exact moment but I think it was either when they fucked or when Black Canary called Oliver a privileged white male cis piece of shit billionaire asshole who was ruining the world and should probably go hang himself. Now they can't stop kissing each other every time somebody mentions how one person wants to kill another one! They giggle at that and start getting sloppy!

Oh my. The romance is getting me so wet!

I fucking hate competitive couples. I hate when two people are bickering and somebody says, "Get a room already!" I always think, "Better yet. Just stay the fuck away from each other!" Not that I'm saying a really good hate fuck isn't called for now and again. It's just probably not the best thing to found a relationship on. I feel like maybe Black Canary is enjoying the hate more than the fuck.

Oliver, Dinah, and Diggle destroy everything Ana and Ata created while attempting to escape the island. When Ata and Ana get pissed, Oliver just grins and says, "Let's get going! Once again, everything worked out for good old Green Arrow and his crew!" Then a bunch of explosions happen in the background and a bunch of bears burn to death. Green Arrow's final thought is, "I'm not sure how much good we've done here!" Ugh! Typical white guy!

So after destroying another people's native land, Oliver Queen heads back to Seattle with his friends. He'll probably never spare another thought for Bear Fuck Island and how he shit, pissed, and vomited all over the poor place.

The Ranking!
+0! Some of the art was cute although it was weird that Black Canary was drawn almost exclusively with her legs spread in one way or another. I don't think that was the main point of the story though! I think the main point was how native people could totally bring about a green revolution if it weren't for having to live with all of those horny bears.

Green Arrow #8

When you're young, stories about romance and fucking make you feel alive. When you're old, you need stories of heartbreaking, unendurable sadness to feel the tiniest amount of anything through the heavy callous of world-weariness covering your heart.

The Commentary!
Here's how the newest season of the television show Arrow began:

Felicity: (to Arrow) "Nobody likes you because you lie about all sorts of stuff that doesn't really matter but they're lies anyway and you shouldn't lie about anything to anybody, jerk!"
Felicity: (to her current boyfriend) "Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies!"

Such a terrible show!

This issue begins with Ollie fighting a bear and then fucking an imaginary Dinah on the beach. Oh man, I hope he's fucking the bear. Please be fucking the bear! I will have a child simply so I can give Benjamin Percy my first born if he has Ollie fuck a bear!

So dreamy!

Later, the bear wanders off to fuck John Diggle. Diggle doesn't pretend the bear looks like Dinah Lance before fucking it. He's hard core.

I'm not making this shit up! This bear is one horny motherfucker!

Dinah turns out not to be a bear after all. Or maybe she's a werebear? That's probably it. And the bear Diggle gets disgusting with is actually a robot so that makes it worse. Or better. Or just different? It's owned by a half-faced woman who owns the island. She does not declare "You can call me No-Face!" because David Finch isn't writing this disaster. If he were writing it, it would have less talk about privilege and racism and more women in thongs and towels.

I guess everybody who didn't sink in Dante's Bank or escape the sinking bank by helicopter, wound up on Bear Fuck Island. Oliver decides to make a list of all of the things he's going to do. But since he doesn't have a pen and paper, he has to pee the words into the sand.

He's really accurate! Especially for a guy who recently ejaculated! That shit will mess up your flow!

Black Canary revises the list by squatting over the word "kill" and piss blasts it into oblivion. That's because she doesn't want to see Oliver kill! It's so much easier to keep Ollie from killing in the comic book. But in the television show, I think the directors of the episodes keep whining that it's hard to film a fight scenes that don't wind up with a bunch of people bleeding out when the protagonist uses piercing weapons to subdue them all!

Dinah and Ollie almost fuck again but Oliver pays too close attention to a scar on the back of Dinah's neck and she gets all butthurt about it. And not in a sexy, Rated X way! I bet it's the scar she got from Team 7 turning her into a walking megaphone that loves to fuck rich turds. It's also probably that it's a serious scar received from some kind of sexual abuse while growing up on the streets, so Oliver isn't allowed to make light of it. Her scars are serious! His are just rich little asshole boy scars! Plus, it's important to tell people what they are allowed to talk about before they begin thinking they can just be all whimsical and light-hearted about anything they want.

Dinah and Ollie find evidence of Diggle's night of animal passion and decide to follow the tracks leading away from the camp. Even though they're bear tracks and drops of semen. No way I'd follow that trail!

The Ranking!
0! I almost gave this comic book a +1 but then I remembered that the majority of it was Black Canary and Green Arrow fucking. That's gross. But at least there's a panel of Diggle and a Bear fucking. That's pretty awesome! I'd say this comic book wasn't nearly as good as that YouTube clip I saw a few days ago where the bat licks his penis until he comes all over his own face but what in the world could be that good?! This was okay if you like smut.

Green Arrow #7

This is almost the exact experience I had in Tokyo.

The Commentary!
• Last night I went to a Portland restaurant named Yakuza. Today, I have to relearn how to type.

• Why the fuck would you name your restaurant Yakuza? Am I missing something hipstery about this? Are there places in the United States that think it's cute and cool to name an Italian restaurant Mafia? What about naming a German restaurant Chuck Nazi Cheese's? Where a kid can be an Aryan heterosexual! Did I go too far with any of those? Probably not because I'm not the one who opened a Japanese restaurant in Portland called Yakuza.

• I didn't choose to eat there. The Non-Certified Spouse's father's current wife chose it to get the two sides of the family together to celebrate my birthday and her son's girlfriend's birthday (I just realized she can describe the situation in the exactly reversed terms!). She had looked up online for the best Portland family friendly restaurants and apparently Yakuza was in the top ten. Seems appropriate. Also, she only found out what Yakuza meant while we were at the restaurant. It seems like an odd thing not to know but then who am I to judge other people by the information they think is important to their lives? I just went to paste in the code for a bullet point and was surprised when instead of an ampersand followed by bull followed by a semicolon, I pasted in the word "Clitoridectomy".

• You don't need to know what I was doing with that word in my copy memory!

• Since about my mid-twenties, I've had a standing request of everybody I know not to get my presents for any occasion. Sometimes people will because they see something that makes them think of me and they get it. I appreciate that. But when people get me shit simply because I'm a name they need to cross off of a list, they usually just give me junk that I don't fucking want in my house. It's easier for everybody if they just don't feel obligated. The Non-Certified Spouse's father's current wife has yet to listen to me. She even said last night, "It's a crap shoot getting something for Jeff when he doesn't want anything." So here's what she got me: a t-shirt that says "Some people just need a pat on the back" and shows a person-shaped figure pushing another person-shaped figure off of a cliff. Really? That's what she thinks of me? She thinks I'd find that funny and I'd wear that shirt? She would have been better off just getting me a nice button-up shirt to wear to family gatherings instead of a ratty, moth-eaten t-shirt! A good rule of thumb is not to buy people clothing with some kind of joke or statement on it. Let the idiot buy that for themselves. Why would I want to wear a shirt that had a statement that you thought was funny in relation to me? I'm not your t-shirt wearing monkey!

• They also got me two pieces of hipster arcade art: wooden blocks of Pac-men ghosts. We currently have an Ikea light hanging in the living room that is a bunch of blue circles strung together. So I hung the ghosts above two of the strands of dots. They look right at home!

• Anyway, I brought all of that up because Shado and Emiko are dealing with the Yakuza themselves! Of course they are. They're Japanese, right? What other conflict is there? Aside from the occasional really horny octopus.

That'll happen when you invest too much of your personality in your career!

• Green Arrow appears and says, "I'm looking for the angry, white, mouth-breathing, red-meat fascists. Anybody seen them?" Is he talking about the loggers? Why does he assume they're white? Is logging a whites-only job? And why bring up their diets? I'm sure he's just guessing at that because it's a stereotype that manly-men only eat red meat and the occasional potato. Why is he being such a huge jerk to some people who are dealing poorly with feeling misplaced and lost in America? And why the fuck are they suddenly fascists?! Who the fuck do these working class loggers have any power over?! They're just fighting to keep their shitty, dangerous, underpaid jobs because they don't have the imagination to see themselves doing something else for a living! Maybe Oliver needs to shoot himself with an empathy arrow.

• Green Arrow finds himself winding down like a top. I guess he didn't eat breakfast this morning. Or else Emiko purchased a watch for him from The Clock King.

• Oh, it's the watch thing. William Tockman, The Clock King, left a message on the watch to let Oliver know all of his plans and his name and his work history and, pretty soon, his bank account. So I can't see how Oliver is going to bring William Tockman to justice at all. There's just no clues or evidence to his treachery!

• Anyway, now Oliver Queen has to pay William Tockman a lot of money for a long time or Oliver's Swatch will kill him. It's not magic though! It's just technology that doesn't need any elaboration because, well, it's basically magic.

• That story was from a year ago if you didn't notice the "Seattle. One Year ago" tag at the beginning of the previous scan. It's all about how Oliver learned to trust Emiko after losing her trust after he gained it after he first met her. The story in the present is about how he once again lost her trust and now has to regain it. So I guess there are similar themes or something tying the stories together.

• Emiko has confronted The Dragon, the leader of the Yakuza. Shado owes her loyalty to him because in Japan there are only five things one must be concerned with: anime, Pachinko, shame, vending machines, and loyalty. The Dragon asks Emiko what her next move is now that she's made herself a nuisance to him.

I bet the opponent is either Shado herself which puts Emiko in a lose/lose situation, or Green Arrow who will, once again, lose his corporation to save somebody he loves! Wait. I don't think he has his corporation right now. Well, maybe he'll gain it back before the death match against Emiko takes place so that he can lose it again.

• Oliver Queen decides to confront the Clock King (you know! In the story that took place a year ago! Not in the story where Emiko is battling the Yakuza!) instead of paying him tons of money to stay alive. The Clock King points out how he knew Oliver would act out instead of complying because Oliver is "too entitled to follow orders." Oh? So blackmailing a person is now considered following orders? Also, it's moments like this where Ben Percy really interjects himself into the story and ruins the rhythm. Is everybody Oliver encounters from now until Percy is off the title going to call Oliver entitled or talk about his privilege? Because that's all a rich white person can be now? It seems weird that the whole point of social justice and civil rights is to treat everybody as an individual and yet it seems everybody wants to take it in the exact opposite direction where everybody is lumped into preconceived labels and categories. That's going the wrong way! I can see how it's satisfying to turn it around on rich whiteys! Or just hetero whiteys! Or just neurotypical whiteys! Or just, you know, whiteys in general! And, I mean, it's not like I ever do anything that doesn't satisfy some desire of my own, so why should I be sitting back trying to armchair quarterback a social movement that I don't really have any stakes in?! I mean, except for the stake of not being called an entitled privileged white guy! I hate that! Stop doing that! So mean!

• I'm not even white! I mean, half of me is white! And I happen to look like the white half of my family and I didn't get the Spanish name because my mother bought into all that Patriarchal bullshit and took her husband's name! So, I mean, I'm passing as a white person and I gain all of the advantages of a white person and the only Spanish I really know is stuff my grandmother would say when she was angry at me! You knew she was pissed when she reverted back to her native tongue! So, I mean, essentially I'm just a dumb white guy. But if you ask me about the history of the white side of my family, at most I can offer a bored shrug. But if you ask me about the history of my Spanish side of the family, I know that shit back to Spain! Pretty much exactly right back to the moment my ancestors left Spain, like where they left for America (Malaga) and why they came (leaflets handed about asking for labor to come to Hawaii to work in the sugar cane fields). I certainly don't know why my white ancestors came over. Probably to get away from all those Spics!

• Clock King takes an unconscious Oliver Queen and does things he probably shouldn't do to an unconscious person. Like strap him down on a clock face with a bladed pendulum swinging above him! I hope Emiko comes by to save his life! And somehow deactivate the Swatch which is killing him! And apologize for being a terrible sister!

• Emiko stops by with a bomb strapped to her chest. She just walks into the back room where William Tockman keeps all of his traps. He really should remember to lock the front door when he drags an unconscious victim into the back room to have his fun.

• If Emiko's Swatch winds down, she'll blow up and kill The Clock King. So now let's see if he's too entitled to follow orders!

• Darn it. He's not. I should have known that because he's an African-American! I think. Is that what Ben Percy was trying to say? A black guy tells a white guy to do something and the white guy is all, "No way, Jose!" (which is totally racist, by the way). But then a white woman tells a black man to do something and he's all, "Darn it! But I didn't want to! But I guess I have to! Shucks!" (I hope that wasn't totally racist, by the way). So Ben Percy is showing us the hierarchy of entitlement: white guy, white girl, black man. That's just the first course though! I'm sure it gets way more complicated by introducing other ethnicities, genders, mental illnesses, and sexualities! I'm way too white to know the order. I just knew I was right there at the top of the entitlement food chain. I'm Number One! I'm Number One! Unless I'm Number Two because totally white guys might call me a half-breed. Except that I think half-white, half-Spanish gets a pass and is never actually called that derogatory term. I think we're just pretty much whites.

• Shoot! Being on the Internet, I should have probably just pretended I was raceless and sexless and genderless! I could have been a monstrous disembodied brain just spewing all sorts of vile, awful things! Boy did I miss my opportunity to be a total scumbag!

• Oh, I didn't say I wasn't still a partial scumbag!

• Back to the present, the person Emiko is going to fight is the leader of the Yakuza, the Dragon himself. He sure is confident! And stupid. Doesn't he know acting like a typical super villain comes before a fall?

• Shado has been invited to watch because The Dragon is an idiot who somehow thinks one of the main qualities of mothers is to stand by and do nothing while their child is killed. Turns out, they usually do the exact opposite! Who would have guessed?! Certainly not somebody who watched their mother not give a shit about them every single day of their lives while always showing way more affection for other people's kids! That was just a hypothetical type of person who might not have known that mothers are fierce and loyal for their children.

• Shado defeats The Dragon and shames Emiko. Unless fighting your child's death battle isn't a shameful act and then she probably made Emiko proud. It's probably that second one because they hug at the end and then Shado rushes off to go play some Pachinko.

• Before leaving her daughter, Shado tells Emiko to go find Oliver Queen. Then Emiko jumps off the top of a skyscraper and, presumably, dies. Hmm. That's a weird ending!

The Ranking!
+0! Ben Percy should have spent more time on the William Tockman story and less time on the Japanese Shame Game Loyalty Club story. Also, I don't think I learned anything about racism this issue. That's probably why I typed the word "Spics" in the commentary. I'm forgetting why racism is bad, Benjamin! Isn't it about time you write another story about it?

Green Arrow #6

This looks like a playing card. The Bore of Dragons?

The Facts!
• This issue is an Emiko story. It's called "Sins of the Mother" so I'm expecting it to be super sexy.

• I don't know why the sins of the mother would be any sexier than the sins of the father. My mother and father both have many sins for which they'll eventually pay and neither one's sins are any sexier than the other's.

• Emiko is a teenager so of course she's wise beyond her years and smarter than most of the adults in the comic books. It's an easy way to write to an audience because any teenagers reading will be all, "Yep. I'm super wise." And most adults reading are busy screaming out in pain from their eyes cramping up in mid roll. Emiko's wise words are these: "Sometimes the best way to help someone is to hurt them." Why haven't I heard this advice before? You mean I wasted the first forty years of my life trying not to hurt people which means I haven't been helping them to the best of my ability?! Well, that ends today! I'm going to go shine up my crotch-kicking books immediately!

• I think what Emiko is actually saying is that whole thing you say to the friends and family of addicts. You have to let them bottom out before they can get better. Helping them along every step of the way is just enabling their self-destructive behavior. Emiko might also be talking about how doctors have to re-break bones to set them correctly sometimes, or cut people open to take out whatever is inside them and killing them (like feelings). But I'm not going to rule out that she just generally means kicking people in the crotch is good for their well-being.

• Shado has just kidnapped Emiko so she can point out all the ways in which Emiko doesn't actually know all of the things Emiko thinks she knows. I wonder if parents can hire Shado to straighten out all of their teenagers? I wonder if I could get a job doing that?! Parents can hire me to logically point out how a teenager doesn't actually know what the teenager thinks they know and/or to kick them in the crotch.

• The crotch kicking part of my job would only be necessary if the teenager is a total smart ass. And by that, I mean if the teenager is absolutely wiser and smarter than I am. Because they still need to learn that no matter how wise or smart they are, getting kicked in the crotch still fucking hurts.

• Emiko narrates the story of her previous year living with Ollie. It's a whole bunch of "alas, my life" moments where Ollie teaches her how to be a responsible individual not beholden to a criminal mastermind. So of course Emiko runs right out and gets herself beholden to The Clock King. Not The Clock King in Deathstroke or the one who appeared in Harley Quinn! This is Seattle's Clock King who is totally different somehow. Maybe there's an original Clock King who sells Clock King franchises? Maybe he's a subsidiary of Burger King?

• Meanwhile in the present and also in Tokyo, Emiko shows Shado what she learned from Ollie about not being anybody's stooge and then running off to become somebody's stooge anyway. This time, she refuses to do as Shado says and then runs off to be captured by the leader of the Yakuza, Oyabun. Shado is his stooge so at least Emiko moved up from being the stooge of the main bad guy instead of the stooge of the stooge of the main bad guy!

The Opinions!
This issue didn't need to be a comic book. It was about 75% first person narration. It may as well have been published as a diary. I might have liked it better if it had less of Emiko blah blah blahing up the thing. Or I may have actually not minded it if Emiko's voice were a bit less self-assured. Can't people just be individuals without putting so much effort into being one? It's also probable that I didn't really give this book much of a chance because I've been farting a lot and I can barely breathe in my office now. That might have tainted my attitude toward Emiko. I should probably go reread this in the garden but I'm just not interested in reading a Green Arrow comic book twice.

Ranking: +0! Or -0! Whichever!

Green Arrow #5

Intimate contact with another human being is overrated.

The Review!
If you like Green Arrow, this comic book is good enough for you to keep liking Green Arrow. I don't know what else to say! This isn't the place where I discuss the themes of the series intelligently so that strangers I'll never meet think I'm some kind of comic book reading genius! I mean, I am that but I'm not going to dance like a comic book reading genius monkey for no peanuts! What is the point of comic book reviews on the Internet anyway? This site is for people who have already read the comic book and just want to check to see if they read it correctly (most likely they didn't). But I can't tell you if your tastes are as refined as my tastes! What if I said this comic book was the best Green Arrow comic book and that caused you to pick it up and you were disappointed? You might think I was a huge liar when, in fact, you just didn't read the comic book correctly! See? I don't want that happening! I don't want people thinking I had an incorrect opinion. That's practically blasphemy. Oh! I wonder how I can get God status so that having differing opinions from me would literally be blasphemy?! I want that!

The Commentary!
Black Canary has been captured by the leader of The Inferno, Captain Meltyface. His main concern is making money running his criminal banking empire but he has some other hobbyhorses that he's totally into and he really wants Black Canary to be into them too. So he explains to her how cool fire is. He's all, "Don't be afraid of it! If we didn't have the sun, everything would freeze!" Oh yeah! That's a good point! But if that was his only good point about fire, I might be skeptical. Luckily he has some more pro fire facts at his disposal!

I'm sold! Fire is the best and I shouldn't be afraid of it at all. Excuse me while I go jump in one!

I have an inkling that Captain Meltyface's Ted Talk on fire is a bit one-sided so maybe I'll hold off jumping into a fire. He's just so charismatic that I'm having trouble thinking of any counter arguments against fire. Maybe later Green Arrow will debate him so I can learn why fire isn't as great as Black Canary is learning it is.

Surprisingly (if you haven't been paying any attention at all and your knowledge of literature amounts to having read The Cave of Time three different times and wound up with the same ending twice), Captain Meltyface's real name is Dante. Luckily my knowledge of literature extends past The Cave of Time to several different endings in each of the following books: Journey Under the Sea, By Balloon to the Sahara, The Mystery of Chimney Rock, The Third Planet From Altair, The Holy Bible, Deadwood, and Who Killed Harlowe Thrombey?, so I probably would have guessed that his name was Dante if somebody had put a gun to my head and said, "Guess Captain Meltyface's real name!", and then gave me a hint.

Dante has a big corporate meeting or auction to attend to so he leaves Black Canary with Shado and Emiko. He doesn't know that's a bad idea but he'll probably realize it later when he's sitting in prison trying to figure out where he went wrong. Was it telling Black Canary his plans or trusting Oliver's sister or pissing off Green Arrow? Maybe all of those things?

Green Arrow and Diggle have captured one of the people attending the meeting and, since they all wear fantastic masks, Diggle has decided to go undercover as the CEO they've captured. While Diggle figures out what's going on with The Inferno, Green Arrow will be searching for Black Canary and Emiko.

Diggle wants to blow up The Inferno's battle cruiser but Oliver wants to liberate their funds. Judging by the cover, he's going to have to make a choice between love and money. Again judging by the cover, he's going to make the wrong decision.

Green Arrow finds the vault while Diggle tries to guess the most inconspicuous seat at the big banker table. Oliver's first thought when he sees the riches hoarded by The Inferno is that he can use it to fund his little Green Arrow playtime thing. I knew he cares more about running around playing hero than helping the needy.

Green Arrow eventually finds Black Canary already loose from her bonds with Emiko's help and Shado unconscious from a Canary Cry. Emiko explains how she's been working for Ollie the entire time (well, most of the entire time) and then Black Canary slaps Oliver for not telling her that he was alive. Green Arrow is all, "What the fuck?! I'm reporting to you now?! I almost fucking died! You know whose life I think of first in times of trouble? Mine, you selfish crow!"

Oh, I see how it is. Their relationship is just a game to Black Canary. I was working on the assumption that "I need space so don't come after me" means "I need space so don't come after me."

Diggle leads the bad guys right to Oliver so they can have the big fight scene. Although the big fight scene really only consists of Black Canary pushing Dante into the face-melter and Shado tranquilizing and kidnapping her daughter. The odds are overwhelming so Oliver makes the tough decision to blow up and sink all of the money to save their lives. What a dum-dum!

Everybody makes it off of The Inferno's battleship except for Oliver because he needs to be knocked unconscious, dropped into the sea, and washed away to that stupid fucking deserted island. Again.

Green Arrow #4

Black Canary's thigh is bigger than her midsection. So sexy!

The Review!
Sometime Green Arrow needs to learn the lesson that he can't do it all by himself. Usually he needs to learn this lesson about once a year. Then he needs to drive everybody out of his life sometime after that so that he can fail by himself and learn the lesson again. This is one of those times! But he learns the lesson rather quickly this time, so that's the good news. The bad news is I don't really have any bad news. Oliver seems to be a bit more lighthearted than usual (or he just likes making fun of fat nerds) and he's made a new old friend in John Diggle. Black Canary is back in his life and he has Emiko to watch his back (when she's not stabbing him in it). Everything is smelling like posies for old Oliver Queen! Except that he's lost all of his money and everybody thinks he's dead. But, you know, he's been through that before too! What I'm saying is this is the kind of Green Arrow story you've come to expect. Not that it's boring and tired. I think it's got a great villain and just the kind of villain you'd expect the modern day Robin Hood to topple. I'm a bit in shock that I've read five issues of Green Arrow in a row now and they haven't just been not terrible but actually pretty good!

The Commentary!
Green Arrow is currently in the fight of his life against an evil bank. No, not Wells Fargo. I can see how you might make that mistake, being that Wells Fargo is run by sociopaths who seem to believe there are no other banking opportunities out there for people and so can treat their customers worse than burning dog shit suddenly appearing on their front porch. It's almost as if the employees of Wells Fargo truly believe that you love non-consensual figurative anal rape and it's for that perk alone you chose to bank with them! They think they're doing you a favor when they put a hold on your money and cause you to miss some payments, presenting you with a hefty fine as if it were an Oscar. They're the street magicians of the banking industry and they think you can't wait to see their best trick: fining you for not having enough money in your account until you have negative amounts of money in your account and owe them! Ta-da!

What I'm trying to say is Wells Fargo is ass. And I don't mean clean, tasty, fresh-out-of-the-shower ass waiting to be rimmed! I mean the worst kind of ass that I won't even try to describe because it might make you sick to have to read it, and it still won't be gross enough to capture the full assness of Wells Fargo. How are people still voluntarily giving them their money?! It's the cute little stagecoach, isn't it? I would prefer my bank's logo to be something more secure though.

They let Aquaman in their club! At least you've got arrows!

I know, humorless Aquaman lovers, I know! Aquaman is strong! Aquaman can make sharknados! Aquaman is a bad-ass! We Aquaman Detractors have heard all of your arguments many times already. We just don't care about them! If you can't understand why we find so much joy in making fun of Aquaman, perhaps you own a mirror which you can look into?

Batman is probably a better example of a useless member of the Justice League in this example. Green Arrow is basically Batman without the Bat theme. He's actually a better Batman because he cares more about social justice than Batman does. Batman is just all, "Throw some money and punches at the symptoms of the problem!" But Green Arrow is all, "Fix the actual problem and the crime will take care of itself!" Okay, maybe Green Arrow isn't totally like that. But he once was, I think. I don't know. I actually do find him more boring than Aquaman.

Green Arrow has been trapped by the Seattle police and is about to be arrested for blowing up Queen Industries. Instead of lowering his hoodie and saying, "Surprise! It's me! Playboy Oliver Queen! I was just throwing a party that got a little out of hand. Everything's fine here, officers!", Green Arrow decides to beat up the police. That'll show them that he's not a menace to Seattle!

Just before Green Arrow is shot in the back, Diggle arrives to save the day. I'm not sure why he saves the day though. I can't tell if he hates Green Arrow or loves him. Maybe both! Wonder Woman recently said during a fuck-fight with Cheetah, "Love and hate are samesies!" Greg Rucka nailed that one.

Meanwhile, Black Canary doesn't sneak on board The Inferno as sneakily as she thought she sneaked.

I hope Emi didn't hit an artery with that tranq!

Digg begins Diggling Oliver Queen about somebody he loved and how Queen did her wrong. My guess is that Oliver Queen was supposed to take care of Diggle's cat while Diggle was away on a mission and Green Arrow wound up getting sucked into space by a Zeta-Beam before he could feed the cat and she died. That's a sadder story than the story people are expecting because most people feel bad when bad shit happens to people. But the best of us only feel horrible if animals are hurt.

Anyway, Diggle wants to beat the shit out of Queen for the thing Queen did to the female Diggle loved. Queen apologizes profusely but, for some reason, won't let Diggle break a few bones. I don't think Oliver is sorry at all!

That was an easy dispute to resolve. But they never clarified what it was about! I still think it's about Digg's cat.

Oliver shows Diggle the computer he stole from his CFO, Broderick, and says loudly, "I do not know computer stuff! Der! If only some computer stuff person were in this comic book! Dur!" Diggle is all, "I'm sure we'll find one! Just don't fuck whomever we find, okay? Because that is some stupid shit that don't make know sense at all and lots and lots of idiotic fans will be all, 'Yes! Best relationship ever! Feliver Forever!' Why can't they see a badly judged plot point doesn't make a forever romance?!" Hopefully Oliver just takes a computer class and continues to fuck Black Canary.

The person Ollie gets to do computer stuff is, thankfully, Henry Fyff. I'm almost certain he won't begin fucking Fyff. Although it would be nice if Oliver Queen could have a relationship with a female he isn't related to that doesn't wind up in bed. Every woman on the Arrow television show should just be played by a talking vagina.

Fyff manages to hack the laptop so that Oliver can learn a little more about the Ninth Circle. But what he really needs to learn is that they have Black Canary! And he does learn that when the CEO of the Ninth Circle Skypes them over the laptop. CEO Meltyface offers a trade but he really just wants to kill Green Arrow. Green Arrow accepts the trade but he really only wants to completely and utterly destroy the Ninth Circle. So Green Arrow and Diggle hop in a dinghy and row out to attack the Ninth Circle's floating headquarters. Two guys against the biggest battleship to enter Seattle since The Black Curate! That was in Grifter! Also, I'm sorry for reminding you of Grifter. Oh boy, that was a terrible series!

Green Arrow #3

I predicted this is how Green Arrow would die.

The Review!
How did Benjamin Percy finally find a way to make a readable Green Arrow comic book? Especially when he seemed so intent on making the worst Green Arrow comic book? Okay, so maybe that was a bit hyperbolic. It's hard to write the worst Green Arrow comic book when Ann Nocenti wrote it for awhile. It's not like this book doesn't have some issues. But why would I concentrate on the problems when everybody is constantly concentrating on the minute, insignificant problems of everything always? Would I do that because I know people are used to me doing that?! No way! This is Rebirth! I'm way more positive now because the DC PR Machine has told me to be! Things are turning around! Things are getting better! Legacy characters and love are back! I guess. I don't know. I'm not a big picture kind of person! Maybe that's why I usually concentrate on the minute, insignificant problems that even pop up in comic books I like. Anyway, DC Comics is finally delivering a Green Arrow comic book that fits the character and is being handled adeptly and has even introduced a villainous organization that makes fucking sense. Although I'm still weary about this book because Benjamin Percy is the writer who wrote a number of Green Arrow stories during The New 52 to help remind everybody that racism was bad and that no white people can understand that until they've become a werewolf for a week or two.

The Commentary!
Recently, Green Arrow had lost all of his money and been declared dead¹. It seems like writers believe Oliver's money and standing are too much of a safety net so they find a way to remove them. Or maybe it's just too much of a hassle to have to deal with both halves of Ollie's life, although he normally just ignores the business half of his life so I don't think that's the problem. Maybe it's thematic but who has the time or intelligence to delve into themes?! I'm too busy trying to seem busy and too dumb to understand the different between theme and plot. I think it's the spelling!

Green Arrow is currently breaking into Queen Industries corporate headquarters because he knows the CFO² is somehow involved with the Moloid Slave Trade in Seattle. The best way to break into Queen Industries is to buy a ticket to ride up the Space Needle, evade all of the guards on the lookout for terrorists who would love to blow up the only recognizable landmark in Seattle, somehow get outside of the revolving restaurant to stand on top of the Space Needle, shoot an arrow with a rope to Queen Industries, and then laser through the glass! After that, it's just a matter of evading the guards until he finds whatever it is he's looking for! Or if he can't evade the guards, he can knock them out with the harshest, scariest sounding drug he could develop.

That assault rifle looks an awful lot like a flashlight!

Queen Industries has the craziest technology to keep the building safe. Probably because they need to protect stuff from the Green Arrow who keeps breaking into their offices for some reason.

Green Arrow eventually gets to the office of his CFO³ where he runs into demon-faced demons with flame throwers and untied boots⁴. I hope Green Arrow has some Exorcism Arrows or else he's in trouble! I mean, he's already in trouble and will probably be in even bigger trouble even if he has Exorcism Arrows because how many can he shoot before ten flamethrowers turn him to ashes? Maybe he'll do a back flip over the flames or something!

Meanwhile in Italy, John Diggle is diggling things up! That's his new catchphrase, probably. "I'm here to Diggle you up!" He can use it when killing somebody and when fucking somebody! I'm giving that one to Benjamin Percy for free because he seems to be having trouble finding a good voice for Diggle. I think it's because Percy's White Guilt can't allow him to presume to speak for an African-American character. At least I think Diggle is African-American. He just looks like a bald white man looking for a disco in this comic book.

Diggle is searching for The Ninth Circle to avenge the death of his Fremesis, Green Arrow. He's followed some leads to find the guy who can lead him to The Ninth Circle, a guy named Virgil. Okay, Percy. I fucking get it. You read The Inferno and you decided you would cheapen the entire thing by using it as a motif in your lousy comic book! Why does everybody love to reference the Inferno part of The Divine Comedy but nobody ever bases their criminal organizations or names their superheroes after Purgatorio or Paradiso! Maybe that's Dante's fault for making those parts so boring. Perhaps if he'd put more people head down in burning shit in the latter two parts, more people would remember them.

Before Diggle can have a proper conversation with Virgil about The Ninth Circle, the scene shifts back to Green Arrow who is already battling the demons in the foyer of the office of his CFO⁵. Since he has yet to be burned to ashes, I'm going to assume he did a back flip to get out of the elevator. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Oh wait! Apparently the conversation between Diggle and Virgil takes place in the text overlying the visuals of Green Arrow battling the demons. I probably should have read a bit of the page after turning to it instead of just jumping right back into my commentary so that I could call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Not that any of this was any kind of a mistake! Just call it youthful enthusiasm! Or immature enthusiasm since the "youthful" is long fucking gone.

Oliver should do this with Boxing Glove Arrows and then punch three guys at once!

Diggle learns from Virgil that The Ninth Circle is a bank! Of course it is! Benjamin Percy, you sly devil! I knew you had a message hidden behind the demons, masks, and lousy Inferno references! I knew you were still fighting the social justice fight! Fuck the banks! Fuck them right in their ATMs!

But seriously! This is a good idea not just on a "The Man is the biggest bad guy of all!" level. Because Percy grows this idea out of that question that all good and loyal comic book readers ask on a near constant basis: if super villains have the kinds of funds available to them to build death stars and power draining ray guns, why the fuck do they need to rob banks?! Apparently to pay back the loans they took out from The Ninth Circle to fund their technology and research! And who better to run an evil bank than the CFO⁶ of Queen Industries!

Percy sets up this scenario to make it seem like The Ninth Circle is the most powerful behind-the-scenes organization in supervillaindom. But I know of a business that probably makes even more money than they or the Court of Owls make!

Supervillain Mask Makers!

Broderick doesn't actually run The Ninth Circle. He's just a board member! That's good because Broderick would be a boring choice for leader of The Ninth Circle. The only superpower he has is knowing how to use a slide rule.

Before Green Arrow can kill Broderick, Shado arrives to rekill Green Arrow. Emiko is probably going to be in serious trouble after this battle. The battle is taken through the window and outside the office because Green Arrow blows up the office. Only he and Shado make it out before the explosion. Broderick may or may not have lived. It doesn't really matter since he wasn't the CEO⁷ of The Ninth Circle.

While reading this comic book, did you also find yourself wondering, "Where are Black Canary's gams?!" Well, they eventually show up roughing up the dock worker on Green Arrow's payroll so that she can stowaway with the Moloids' kidnapping victims. That means she'll soon be on the most ostentatious ship ever sailed into the Puget Sound! And that's pretty ostentatious because Bill Gates lives up there. I think.

I guess Broderick did survive. And if this guy's the leader of the Ninth Circle, I'm not any more impressed than if it had been Broderick. But I'm even more impressed by whoever makes their masks!

While trying to escape from Shado, Green Arrow winds up arrested by the police for bombing Queen Industries. Can't he just reveal his identity and be all, "I own that place! I can bomb it if I want to!"?

The CEO⁸ of the Ninth Circle decides to declare Shado his enemy because he's an idiot. So now Shado can just go join up with Green Arrow and help destroy the Ninth Circle. She used to be honor-bound to serve them but now she has no loyalty to them at all. Even though Emiko is still honor-bound to them, I think that just gives Shado added incentive to destroy them. Emiko, trying to keep everybody calm so she can eventually help destroy the Ninth Circle from the inside, points out that they can trap Green Arrow because they have her and Black Canary as bait. They don't have Black Canary yet! But she's on the way to their crazy big ship that nobody seems to notice. I guess because fog or something?

_____________________________________________________
¹Again!
²I don't know what that stands for! Crazy For Oral?
³I don't know what that stands for! Cozily Fondling Orphans?
⁴I guess flaming demon fingers make it hard to tie your shoes.
⁵I don't know what that stands for! Cockblocking Foreign Oligarchs?
⁶I don't know what that stands for! Cheap Fucking Organizer?
⁷I don't know what that stands for! Cookies Equal Oreos?
⁸Fine! I admit it! I actually know what this stands for! Chief Evil Officer!

Green Arrow #2

After Shado and Emiko nearly killed Ollie, did they piss on him too?

The Review!
Benjamin Percy is doing a much better job on Green Arrow than he was before Rebirth. Although the whole "Oliver Queen loses all of his money and identity and connections to others to become a cypher fighting for justice" is pretty familiar territory by this point. I guess Black Canary will take him more seriously if he's not able to help people using his money and has to only help people one at a time with a shitty bow and arrow carved from the wood of Monkey Puzzle Trees. So, anyway, I'm actually sort of enjoying Green Arrow because these stories since Rebirth feel like Green Arrow stories. Not that he shot any arrows this issue but at least he had goatee, I guess? The rest of the commentary you probably don't want to read because I'm just as sick and angry as everybody else because of events this week. I think even Black Manta would be sick of America's current answer to all of its problems. I wonder how we would solve problems if we didn't have so many guns at hand? Is "talk" too ridiculous of an answer here? Probably, right?

The Commentary!
How many times do I need to do nothing but rant on the internet about good cops not standing against bad cops before I can ever support any police officers at all? Maybe it's time to start shouting into the void about District Attorneys being complicit in the wave of police officers murdering African-Americans? The problem with the "not all cops" defense is that when one cop commits an atrocity, the entire force closes ranks and defends the cop, no matter how much evidence exists to show that they were violent for no reason and then lied about the brutality. And how is a District Attorney supposed to indict a police officer when the District Attorney relies heavily on police cooperation and support? The entire police force would see an indictment as a betrayal and the District Attorney would soon be out of a job due to being made impotent and toothless. But how crazy is it that people are dying for nothing more than a police officer deciding anything is resisting arrest and that resisting arrest is a capital crime? Something needs to be done before we're living in 2000 AD's Judge Dredd world. I don't know what that thing is because I mostly just hide in my apartment reading comic books. I think this is an extrovert problem! My toolkit allows for me to forage for food, barely sustain a roof over my head, and act like it's the end of the world when a comic book writer does a substandard job. One of my other tools is keeping things light-hearted but fuck me. I feel like a fucking cunt if I just start spouting off Green Arrow dick jokes without at least acknowledging that this world sucks ass. I should at least mention that I realize real world shit is going down before I start pointing out how badly Benjamin Percy wants to be World's Best Ally.

So comic books. Whatever. Let's go. I guess.

This issue is called "Erasure" because Benjamin Percy was totally into them in the eighties. Unless he's choosing that word because it's prime Social Justice Lingo! I wonder who Black Canary will accuse Green Arrow of erasing?! Probably poor bisexual First Nation crossdressers. I've never heard him mention their problems when he's gone on a rant about the underprivileged! Erasure!

Emiko and Shado dump Ollie's nearly lifeless body into the Puget Sound. But first they load up his boat with spilled booze and needles and bags of smack. Now everybody will know he got fucked up and fell overboard and was probably eaten by Killer Whales. I guess they think he's really dead or else I'm sure they would have slit his throat to make sure. Maybe Emiko is still on Ollie's side and made sure he's still alive before throwing him overboard. Then maybe she filled Ollie's pockets with dog treats and set George loose in the Sound to find him.

Shado now works for an organization called The Burned. They travel around the world on the most ostentatious ship I've ever seen called The Inferno. And they work in the service of the Ninth Circle. I think Ben is setting up some kind of theme here but I just can't grasp what it might be.

Meanwhile, some guy outside Abu Dhabi is Skyping some other guy named Dante. I wonder if Dante has anything to do with The Burned? Nah, I don't see the connection. Anyway, the guy Skyping in to Dante is named Mr. Kanoot and he has some familiar muscle keeping him safe.

Diggle is pretty boring on the television show. I hope he's more entertaining here. Maybe he'll have a hilarious quirk, or a really horrible tramp stamp that can constantly be mentioned!

Diggle gets a message via his Google Glasses that Queen is dead, followed by instructions on how to avenge Queen. You know, if he wants too. The upside is that by avenging Oliver Queen's death, Diggle will get to be a main character in a comic book! The downside? Oh, you know the downside! Don't make me have to say the punchline that you've already guessed! I mean, of course I'm going to say it because I can't just leave it hanging! Okay, okay! The downside is that the comic book is Green Arrow!

Burn!

And, of course, before I'm even done reading my comic book, some police are shot by snipers at a protest for police shooting civilians. I'm starting to think my solution of typing words to nobody wasn't so bad after all! Way to go, America. You fucking suck. If only there were more guns, I guess?

I guess I'm done talking about non-comic book things because I'd rather remain in my denial bubble. Everything good outside my window with the shades drawn and the curtains closed? Yeah, probably!

The news breaks that Oliver Queen has died in a drug fueled murder/suicide with his secretary whose body was recovered. Oliver's body is still missing because he's really alive somewhere. But Black Canary sees the news reports and she's all, "This is all about me! I'm the reason for this! Tragedy follows me and this is my tragedy that somebody else died because they put their penis inside my vagina and probably my butthole too. Darn me! Darn, darn, darn it, me!"

Meanwhile, Oliver has washed up on shore and is found by the pudgy IT guy. I'm really bad with names! I would have said, "Remember how bad I am with names?" But I don't expect anybody to have read enough of my sprawling manifesto hidden within comic book reviews to have even read that about me. Emiko managed to put her emergency tracking beacon up Oliver's butt before throwing him out of the boat. I guess she might be against hetero cis white rich guys but she isn't up for killing them. At least not the rich one that is also her brother and hasn't put her name on his will yet.

Ollie finally uses Henry's name and it all comes back to me! Henry Fyff! Hmm, that wasn't as much "all" as I thought it was going to be. Henry took Oliver to his Grandmother's house and she's able to heal him with racist tropes. You know the one! A-word C-word S-word! So racist!

Oliver wakes up from his healing bed two weeks later to find he's, once again, poor and homeless and destitute and without an identity. How often is this going to happen to him? I guess as often as the plot demands that Oliver have money or not have money! He's like a yo-yo except totally different because yo-yos have nothing to do with money at all.

I am bad at the analogies.

Black Canary conducts an investigation of her own because she thinks she's Batgirl. She's not very good at it because investigating doesn't often require singing and kicking ass and picking pubic hairs out of fishnet stockings.

Pshaw! I was just about to point out how everything was pointing towards that Dante fellow!

All Oliver has left is a secret hideout he dug in the woods outside Seattle. He tries to get Henry to do some more work for him but Henry doesn't do IT work for free. So now Oliver is all alone. It's just broke-ass Green Arrow against the world! Just like happens every twelve issues or so!

Green Arrow #1

This cover has a lot going on but I really like the zipper down the front of Ollie's Kevlar suit.

The Review!
You know what? You'll probably read the commentary after this (unless you don't read that part because you hate good things) and think, "Wait. Didn't he say he liked this issue?" But I did like this issue. I liked it so much better than all the previous issues of Green Arrow, even Lemire's run. I don't know why people had such a hard-on for Lemire's run. It was competent. And it was trying to tell a story about Oliver Queen being the Green Arrow. But I think it had too many ties to the Arrow television show for me to ever fully trust it. And maybe I shouldn't say I like this issue better than that run because this issue has many flaws as well (most of those Percy's agenda to be the best ally ever! But he's handling it much better this issue! I know it'll seem like I don't think that when you read the commentary! But he is! It's just not as entertaining to me to be nice about it!). But fuck if this wasn't a good Green Arrow comic book. It's setting up the world of Oliver Queen and the way Green Arrow awkwardly tries to fit into it. It's set up the cast of characters that all make sense in Green Arrow's Seattle. We have an Oliver trying to do what good he can with the money he's making while also seeing how much evil that same money is causing. And, of course, it ends with a good old comic book betrayal! Plus people fucked. People fucking goes a long way for me. I haven't been this hopeful for a Green Arrow book since Percy's Sneak Peek in Conversion! Or Conversation? Converse? Whatever!

The Commentary!
Green Arrow is a privileged rich white cis dude so everything he does as a hero should be greeted with the mocking reply of, "Oh! Look at me! It's all about me! Give me a cupcake for helping!" He should really consider changing his name to the Green Ally. But seriously, the main issue Green Ally has to get over is his failure of being born a privileged rich white cis dude. It's such a burden to care about social issues and not have any means at his disposal to help make the world a better place because his stupid parents didn't have the foresight to be different people. Poor Ollie! It must be such a burden to care so much but to know that nobody will ever take him seriously because of the way he looks or his social standing or his heteronormativity. It's so unfair that he fills the Sound with mantears crying himself to sleep every night on his mattress full of money. Quietly though so he doesn't wake the two women lying next to him in puddles of his drying semen. He wants to do so much good but how can a willingness to make things better and a whole bunch of money help in any way? I mean, he knows that they'll help but why won't people acknowledge everything he's done and cheer him on and raise him up on their shoulders? Why do they continue to mistrust his intentions and say all of those hurtful, hateful jokes about white cis dudes?! Being a privileged rich white cis hero is the hardest thing ever.

Currently Green Arrow and Black Canary are on the trail of Moloids operating a slave trade all over the country. This is the perfect job for Green Ally to prove that he cares about the least fortunate! Plus he has a woman tagging along to see all the good he does so maybe she can go back to her Safe Space and tell the other women, "Not all men are awful! Green Ally is just swoon-worthy!"

That's clever wordplay, Black Canary, but is the Northwest, just off the Sound, in the wee hours of the morning the best place to be wearing short shorts and fishnets? You must be freezing your outer labia off.

Green Ally has also brought along Emiko who has surprised me by not taking the sidekick name of Tumblr.

Emiko does know a weapon is an object, right? Is that her point? Should I not have butted in to put my punctuation on the point she was making? Should I have stuck with my original caption that read, "A sexy, under-aged weapon!"?

For some reason, Emiko and Oliver begin discussing how well they did in math in school. I really don't know why the subject came up. It's not like one of the bad guys screamed, "Hurry! If we catch the train traveling south at forty miles per hour with stops in Tukwila, Olympia, and Kelso, how many slaves of below average height and weight can we fit inside one packing container?!

Although if the Moloid had said that thing about volume, Green Ally apparently couldn't figure it out anyway, having failed calculus.

Emiko's first interaction with Green Ally leads to her calling him privileged. I told you she should have called herself Tumblr!

Green Ally and Black Canary stop the Moloids this time. Oliver discovers they were using a Queen Industries shipping container to move the slaves from port to port. Aha! That's why Oliver can't be a proper ally! Because no matter how much he tries to help, he's always going to be responsible for the oppression and subjugation of others simply because of who he is! He's The Man and there's nothing he can do about it! He's so The Man that Black Canary looks horrified as he pays off the Seattle Police to help loosen their tongues and keep them feeding him information. I'm not sure why she looks horrified but then I'm white and male and cis and a jerk! My first thought was that he was trying to use his money to do good! But I suppose he should be funding programs to help the homeless and needy with that money instead of giving it to more white male authority figures. He should probably be using all of his money to make everybody feel better rather than making himself feel better by spending it on thousands of boxing gloves and arrows. Although what fun would that be?! It would definitely be a boring comic book. So, you know, it wouldn't change this book at all. Burn!

Stop sexualizing their animosity, Tumblr!

Apparently Emiko's sexualizing of their petty bickering was spot on because the next morning, Ollie and Dinah wake up naked in drying puddles of semen together. Benjamin Percy needs to be careful if he's courting the Twitter Mob Crowd! One misstep or wrongly placed "Hail Hydra" word balloon could mean the end of his career! And I think having a man and woman's lust for each other portrayed as constant bickering and belittling of the other person might be one of those missteps! Although it also might be okay because a lot of fans will overlook stupid shit just to see their favorite romantic couplings. So however these two wind up fucking, it's probably okay for everybody who was just waiting to read a comic book where these two were fucking.

Anyway, just like that, Ollie and Dinah are cosmic lovers destined to share a fuckspace forever. It makes me go weak in the knees! No wait. I meant stomach. It makes me go weak in the stomach.

Later, Ollie and Dinah pretend to be able to hear each other as they have a conversation on a motorcycle. This is less believable than Batman safely landing an airplane while riding on top of it!

Oliver takes Dinah on a tour of all the good he's doing so that she'll tell him he's doing so much good that her vagina aches. He's all, "Look! I built a hospital and a homeless shelter and a baseball field for kids and a women's shelter and a brewery and a condom factory! Now you have to admit I'm the best ally ever! I'm Green Ally!" And Dinah is all, "Yeah but you're a privileged rich white cis dude so...no. But you can still put your cock inside of me."

Poor Ollie! He just can't shake the knowledge that he's responsible for all bad things ever due to things he can't change about himself. So many mantears!

If Dinah only knew that Ollie was once a Werewolf for like a week so he knows what it's like to be a victim! Doesn't he get any Victim Credits for that time?! He should point out that Dinah can't criticize him because he once had a label! He had a label, dammit! That makes you immune to criticism! DAAAAAMMMMMMMIIIIITTTTT!

Oh! Maybe Ollie should apologize! That always seems to work on Tumblr! If you say something innocuous but somebody misinterprets it through the prism of their own issues and sends you an anonymous message full of hate and vitriol, you're supposed to apologize! Then everybody replies to your apology with things like "Well done!" and "Way to apologize!" and "Allying! You're doing it right!" and "Way to succumb to the new abuse of power, you stupid apologizing fuck!" Oh wait. I don't think that last message is usually sent. My mistake!

Oliver decides to find out more about his company and learns that the books are so cooked they're burning. And burning books are bad because where there's smoke, there's fire! And that means it's time to jump into the frying pan to see whose goose is cooked! It looks like the goose is Queen Industries Chief Financial Officer, Cyrus Broderick.

Cyrus puts on his Seattle's Version of the Court of Owls Mask and heads out to chair a meeting about the downfall of Oliver Queen. Of course he can't just be killed because no villain in their right mind would ever kill a hero without ruining their reputation first. The Seattle Court of Owls has sent Shado to nearly kill Oliver instead, for some reason. And Emiko helps her mother take down Oliver because, in the end, he's just another fucking man.

Green Arrow Rebirth #1

Green Arrow's new sidekick is a Traci Lords blow-up doll?

The Review!
Ben Percy's Green Arrow is a message from a white guy who desperately needs validation as an ally of...well, whoever needs an ally, I guess! I suppose he sees a lot of himself in the character he's writing. Green Arrow wants to help but feels, because of birth and circumstance, he's somehow outside the movement for social change. But he's still going to use the tools he has to help! Green Arrow uses his gadget arrows and Percy uses his sledgehammer. I mean his writing pen! He just utilizes his pen like a hammer. I can see a lot of ways in which I might begin liking this comic book but first Percy has to get out his dictionary and look up the word "subtle." Then he should read the entry. Then he should reread the entry. Then he should write five thousand times, "Racism is bad," just to get the need to keep saying that in the comic books out of his system. I suppose if he reaches one person who didn't know racism was bad when they picked up this comic book, he's done his job! I just wish he'd do his job better and be more entertaining. Still, this is a step in the right direction because there could be some fucking in it soon.

The Commentary!
I'm not sure I can handle another Green Arrow story where I learn racism is bad. Percy is beating me over the head with it so much that I'm beginning to rebel against the idea! I'm beginning to think, "Percy's writing is bland and uninteresting which means I'm probably racist!" I was once called a racist by a complete stranger so maybe I am! A black guy asked me for a dollar while I was walking my bike off campus at San Jose State years ago. I said I didn't have any money and he called me a racist. I replied, "Whatever you want to think." And he replied with "What did you say?" and began coming at me. I just got on my bike and left. I suppose I could see his point. I was coming off of a hoity toity state college campus with a beat-to-shit rusty ten speed I was borrowing from my mom and yet I still refused to give him a dollar? I can't believe that guy thought I was racist because I didn't give him a dollar! Sure, I thought he was a dirty vagabond that probably had mental health issues whom I was a little bit afraid of! But his skin tone didn't have anything to do with any of those thoughts! Those were just my usual lower middle class biases against itinerants!

I don't mind being called names, not even a racist. Because I just think back to the great words of the mighty Blue Falcon: "Taking offense at thoughtless words is juvenile!" That's also a strong argument to disregard me if you're a creator whom I bash in my reviews! These are just thoughtless words! Most of them really thoughtless!

The issue begins reminding readers that Rebirth is a change of tune and an acceptance that characters are not what they were but are now what they were. I mean...well, you know what I mean. I think. Anyway, the first two pages make sure to point out that Oliver Queen is once more a liberal minded protector of the downtrodden with a goatee. In other words, New 52 Oliver Queen is no more! We're back to the Oliver Queen who doesn't mind giving a dirty street urchin hundred dollar bills.

This sums up Percy's run on Green Arrow nicely. Love me, Tumblr! Love me!

I don't think Otto Schmidt, the artist, got the message that this comic book is for Tumblr though. Because when Black Canary is introduced, he goes all in on a major Butt-Boobs Showcase.

Despise me, Tumblr! Despise me!

Okay, so her boobs aren't quite as showcased as her butt. But she's still in the proper, anatomically uncomfortable stance!

Black Canary is in Seattle for something music related, probably. And while in Seattle, she discovered a homeless kid in a sewer who needed her help. She and Ollie take the kid back to Ollie's place to get him cleaned up and discover that his mother was taken by people who live in the sewers. Oh no. Is Seattle going to get a huge, nonsensical underground empire like Gotham? I think there are already too many similarities between Green Arrow and Batman. Although a Court of Owls would be more fitting in Seattle than Gotham, I think. Also Seattle does have a weird underground city thing going on. Although I don't think it's full of Mole Men.

Forget the New 52 Green Arrow you may have become accustomed to because he's dead and gone! And good riddance, I tell you! Even if the new Green Arrow is going to beat me over the head with how fucking problematic I am, I'm glad to see the old one go. Black Canary makes sure to mention that Green Arrow has a reputation among the other heroes of "loud-mouthing [his] moral outrage, complaining about elitism, racism, cronyism, conservatism, any -ism, all the isms." So feminism too?! What a jerkbro! She mentions all of this to point out that he's a hypocrite because a white man with loads of money obviously can't be against bad things. Although is conservatism really bad? Sure, some aspects of a philosophy that wants to remain in a traditional vain will certainly butt up against forward change. But that isn't all conservatism is! I'm having a hard time coming up with some of its positive qualities but I'm sure there are some!

I hope Green Arrow tells Black Canary how he spent a week as a Werewolf and now he knows what it's like to be a minority! That'll shut her up!

Yeah! How dare you make wild, baseless accusations against her based on gossip and hearsay! She'd never do that to...oh wait. Never mind.

Black Canary and Green Arrow argue about who had the worst experience in their past to shape them into being a better person and I think I completely lose the will to ever masturbate again. Is this what being a hero has become? Is this how people make a difference? They having pissing contests about who's opinion matters more because they've had a harder time in life? Fucking get over it and work together to help this kid, you narcissistic assholes!

The homeless camp (which is basically an Ewok village on the edge of Seattle) is suddenly overrun by Moloids. Black Canary says one of the stupidest lines a comic book character has ever said ("This is what it sounds like when your ears bleed." With a period. If that didn't deserve an exclamation point, what does?!) and Green Arrow pauses for a moment to feel his heart go pitter patter.

The Moloids are having a slave auction later, so Green Arrow and Black Canary decide to team up and fuck after they stop the auction. It's underground because Gotham isn't the only city that gets to have a vast, unimaginable network of caves causing constant sinkholes and the inevitable collapse of the city. Although that's frankly exactly how Seattle is! Underground ruins and a failing infrastructure!

"I thought I would do something that everybody is doing because it was popularized in a movie so I could figure out the unique person I truly am!"

Ollie and Dinah follow a trail of Moloid blood that leads not to a Moloid hospital but the Moloid slave auction. The auction must be the event of the season if it's to die for!

I wasn't serious about Seattle having its own Court of Owls, dammit!

The Moloid with the arrow through his leg trailing blood behind him has come to the auction to warn the others that heroes are following his trail of blood to the auction! I guess Moloids aren't known for their smarts.

"I don't know who you are or what you're doing but I'm going to completely debase you." Sounds like a Twitter Mob attack. I guess Ollie really is a Social Justice Warrior.

Oliver and Dinah stop the auction but now they're going to have to hunt down the people behind these slave auctions. Until then, it's time to fuck! Too bad the comic ends before they even kiss. Although it's close!

Green Werewolf #52

This cover accurately portrays how boring this comic book is. Although this cover has more arrow shooting than the stories inside usually have.

The Review or Whatever!
Remember when this series began as J.T. Krul's outlet to rant and rave about reality stars being famous for reasons he didn't approve of? "But...but...but...they're untalented morons who do have done nothing that I approve of to get their fame! I fucking write comic books, people! I should be famous! Me! I mean, my comic books are terrible but at least I'm writing! That's more than these reality stars are doing! They're just looking good and doing things that entertain the masses for some reason. I should be entertaining the masses! Why won't the masses pay attention to me?! You know what? Green Arrow is going to fix it! He's going to arrest anybody trying to be famous for being on Internet videos! They won't even break laws! He'll just arrest them because he despises them! Then I'll have him say a lot of things in Narration Boxes that will criticize critics trying to criticize me before they can criticize me! That'll show them! The fucking parasites!"

I might still be retaining a ton of Bitterhasswasser from Krul's initial run on this shitty comic book.

When I say this comic book is shitty, I don't want Benjamin Percy getting his underwear full of wet farts in a twist. I hated this book long before he began using it as his soapbox to bring the horrors of racism to the attention of comic book readers everywhere. Or at least the idiotic comic book readers who were still picking up this terrible comic book. I have no sympathy for people still reading this shit. They should have known it was terrible when they saw it on the shelf and realized it said "Green Arrow" on the front. That's worse advertising than that comic book that says "Aquaman" on it!

At the end of the last issue, Green Werewolf had been killed by Douchéstork. Which kind of makes me wonder: why the fuck did this comic book need another issue?! It already had the best ending to any story it was going to tell! Now I'm going to have to read a story where Green Werewolf desperately needs a blood transfusion to remain alive and he's going to be given Doctor Miracle's blood without his consent (because Ollie is dead or almost dead) which will cure his Werewolf AIDS! That way he never has to make the decision to stop being a minority and go back to being a rich white asshole. It's a solution that allows Ollie to still seem sensitive to the plight of the minority population (represented by people with Werewolf AIDS) by not having him choose to stop being a part of their group. Even though he really wasn't a part of their group simply because he contracted some disease. Percy doesn't really get racism, does he?

It turns out, Doctor Miracle's blood was still on the dagger. So the part of the story I just mentioned in the previous paragraph took place in two pages. Ollie is saved from death and his blood is clean of Werewolf AIDS. Now maybe he can go back to shooting arrows. Although he's going to have to deal with being a totally racist white guy again.

While Ollie heals, Douchéstork kidnaps Doctor Miracle to take him back to Seattle.

Most purses I know are bigger than hearts. Are bigger hearts worse than smaller hearts? Does he mean a coin purse? What the fuck is Douchéstork talking about?! Maybe he means it's such a large muscle that Doctor Miracle will never have the strength to open it up?! Or maybe he means it's full of tampons?!

Green Arrow, Emiko, and George are now stuck in Africa. It looks like Green Arrow will never be able to save Doctor Miracle so that he can use his blood to cure all of the Werewolf AIDS in the city.

No, seriously! That's Ollie's plan! Which turns Benjamin Percy's story about racism into a fully racist story! I imagine something else will happen because equating the people with Werewolf AIDS as the Other who the white privileged folks (the people with American President masks on. Subtle, no?) are trying to drive out of their city, and then deciding that the solution is removing the Otherness from the Other to make them more like the white privileged folks isn't exactly the best moral of the story.

The other problem with this "allegory" is that The Wargs are people with a dangerous, deadly, transmittable disease and are actively trying to spread it to others. Hmm. Maybe they're the bad guys after all! They're spreading hate and ignorance and...no, no. That can't be it. Because Ollie embraced having Werewolf AIDS because it allowed him to understand how it feels to be outside the hateful, vile, despicable norm! Plus the guys who hate the Wargs are all white men. That makes it easy to identify them as the bad guys.

Maybe it'll all make sense by the end. It's also possible Percy's allegory got away from him.

Ollie saves Doctor Miracle and asks him to help heal the city. Doctor Miracle heals the Wargs who want to be healed but I guess his healing powers don't work to heal the hate and ignorance of the Anti-Warg faction. In the end, the leader of the Berserker Wargs rides off to become a pain in the ass later. And Ollie lets him go because he understands the best way to change things is to have a hyper-extreme voice screaming nonsense into everybody else's faces so that people will go, "Okay, okay. These other people who don't want to change as much sound reasonable and I'll agree with them but get that fucking Warg out of my face!" Or something. I don't know.

I did learn that racism was bad though! So that was a worthwhile message!

Hopefully Rebirth will be the Doctor Miracle of this Green Arrow Werewolf AIDS epidemic.