Green Lanterns #10

If this is what happens when you wear it, why isn't the Phantom Ring the Rainbow Ring?

Last issue was Issue #9. I don't think I read it because I can't remember anything interesting about it.

This issue begins with some guy I've never seen before threatening a woman in Dearborn, Michigan. I feel like if I turn the page, I'm going to completely forget everything about it because this guy is fucking boring. So nondescript! I guess I just described him as boring so he's semi-descript. But mostly, there's nothing remarkable about him and nothing much to say. Totally forgettable. I don't even know why he's in this comic book.

Nearby, Simon Baz has put on the Phantom Ring and now he's cycling from one emotion to the next. I just realized that Geoff Johns totally screwed up. Each emotion should begin with a letter of the word rainbow. I mean, he came close! But as it stands, it spells R-A-F-C-H-L-W! I bet he had planned on doing that which is why it starts out correctly. But then he just gave up because how many emotions begin with an "I"? Like none, probably! Is "itchy" an emotion?

Rami the Hobo Guardian explains to Simon Baz that nobody should ever wear the ring he created. Well maybe he shouldn't have created it then! Or maybe he should have destroyed it. He flew all the way across the universe to dump it on Hal Jordan. He couldn't think to toss it in a black hole on the way over? Oh wait. Black holes in the DC Universe tend to be portals to other DC Universes instead of just super dense points in space that lead nowhere but to destruction. I guess he had to bring it to Earth to cause trouble! Although he probably could have kept quiet about it so that every alien in the universe wasn't looking for it. I bet he couldn't help bragging about it down at the local bar because there was a cute server he had a crush on and he kept having to tell him how he was forging this super powerful cosmic ring and maybe he'd like to come round his apartment to check it out sometime?

No you won't. What the fuck does the rest of this country think Portland looks like? A fucking Dr. Seuss book?!

I added Jessica's eyeballs because she looks creepy without them. Sometimes she has them and sometimes she doesn't. I guess it depends on how manipulative she's trying to be emotionally.

Simon and Jessica decide to spend a few pages on interior monologues while they rescue a neighbor from a house fire. I don't know how the fire started. Total mystery. Anyway, by the end of their monologues, both of them have decided that maybe they should trade out their Green Lantern ring for the Phantom Ring. What a great premise for a story! A ring that everybody must have and nobody is willing to destroy it even though it's too powerful!

While Jess and Si are out thinking stuff, some new guy sneaks into the house to steal the Phantom Ring.

I wonder what this guy's story is?

This guy Francis puts on the Phantom Ring and recites the second lamest Green Lantern Oath I've ever heard after the original. This guy is backed by Volthoom who taught him the rhyme. I guess the rhyme helps him control the Phantom Ring. Or else it's all the training he claims he's done to earn a regular Green Lantern ring. He seems really jump though so I guess that's why he was never chosen. Just to make sure readers realize he can't overcome great fear, he nearly jumps out of his skin when Simon's brother-in-law attacks him with an axe.

I'm not sure what happens but suddenly there's this guy in a Yellow Lantern costume in Nazir's kitchen. Where'd he come from?! He tortures Nazir with some scary light constructs before fleeing with Volthoom. Meanwhile, Sam Humphries does his part to show how representation totally matters. Especially when you write an example into your comic book.

No you can't. They don't recruit redheads.

I know Guy Gardner is a redhead! You don't think I don't know that?! It was a dumb joke! Sheesh. I can't be completely hilarious 5000% of the time! Sometimes I have to write some hacky material! It's just part of the process.

Simon and Jessica see a green streak race through the sky and wonder who it is.

I'm also wondering who it is. Where did this guy come from? And what's he doing with Rami?! Why spring him on the reader on the last page like this?!

The Ranking!
-1! I don't like the way this story is being told. It's just not for me. It's not my style! And so, I am dropping it from my reading list.

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Firestorm!

This was my favorite song and dance number from last year's Gay Grammys. Was that redundant?

A friend posted a thing on Facebook about how the electoral college makes a person's vote in Wyoming more valuable than a person's vote in California. One of their friends responded, "So.......You support mob rule?" And the person wasn't being funny at all! Do they not understand how democracy works?! Democracy is mob rule! Except with courts to tell the mob they're being assholes. And then those assholes tell the courts to go fuck themselves because they're against the will of the mob! Then everything breaks down and the barbarians come!

Plus there's probably something to say about the tyranny of minorities and majorities and how some stupid piece of paper that holds people in its thrall somehow keeps any of those things from happening through pure belief in its power. Or something.

That has nothing to do with Firestorm. It might have something to do with The Metal Men though! Especially the way Doc Magnus rules the roost like some common fascist dictator with a penchant for shoving things in his ass. That was probably redundant (as is my joke about something being redundant. Nothing more redundant than that! Although if you didn't appreciate it, you can print it out and shove it up your ass like some fascist dictator attending the Gay Grammys).

My back still hurts and I haven't been to the comic book store yet. This week is the first week in nearly five years that I won't be picking up every DC comic. I've cut down the list so I can have more time to read things that I want to read. And also to play more Overwatch. Probably a little more of one than the other. Just pretend the more heavily weighted one is the more intellectual of the two options. It's not but, for my brain's self-esteem's sake, please pretend with me. I keep telling my brain that if it gets better at playing Winston, I'll let it reread the entire works of Shakespeare. It's trying so hard to figure out that damn monkey now!

The Firestorm Commentary!
This issue begins with something happening that probably could have used some kind of Content Warning.

Judging by the exaggerated expressions of shock, something sexual has to be taking place.

The Professor's advice is to do something. Jason Rausch's advice is actual helpful advice that could save Firestorm's bunghole virginity for Jason to get at later. I mean it could save Firestorm's life. I think we all know which two halves of Firestorm are destined to merge forever. That old white fart is no help to anybody. He probably doesn't even know how to erotically manipulate a prostate.

Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator continues to distort reality in the way a Quantum Field Generator never actually would. I mean, I know I don't have any idea what a Quantum Field Generator is, or what it might actually do. But I'm certain in the exact way I'm certain that God doesn't exist that it would not create monster flies, Cybornetic beings, and spider dinosaurs. Those of you who believe in God are probably thinking, "What's so improbable about spider dinosaurs?!"

Here's an additional fact about my atheism: not believing in God doesn't mean I think I know how everything came about, or how it's always existed, or never existed and then suddenly did exist. I'm comfortable not needing to make up a reason for my own existence, or a nonsensical starting point for everything. I just know that the answer to it all is not a magical man in the sky who hates homosexuality. Come to think of it, it's also not a magical woman in the sky who hates homosexuality. It's also not a magical non-gendered immortal and omnipotent being who neither loves nor hates homosexuality. And it definitely isn't any being of any kind who loves homosexuality! Unless the creator of the universe is Firestorm! Oh man! That would be a great revelation to the character. Firestorm is God! Or at least he's made in God's image. God is probably a merger of all of the Gods ever worshiped. Of course, the Christian God is the body. I mean, duh!

Firestorm's current dilemma is that General Eiling is going to bomb Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator which would be a huge disaster for obvious reasons. I mean, the reasons aren't really obvious but that's what happens when you base the conflict on some technobabble that nobody could possibly understand. The writer gets to tell the audience that something super bad is going to happen and the audience just has to accept it. In comic books, it's always easy to use quantum bullshit or nanotechfucktology because nobody reading comic books is smart enough to argue against it.

Professor Stein continues to be no help while Jason does all the heavy lifting, telepathically linked to Firestorm. Hopefully everybody realizes that Ronnie and Jason are meant to be Firestorm. I mean fuck buddies. No wait. I had it right the first time. And the second time too!

Ronnie's first coach sounds like a cliché spouting jackass.

You think I'm done with that whole "Was that redundant?" thing yet? Well I'm not! That last caption was probably redundant!

I should probably accept that a Quantum Field Generator is simply Gerry Conway's version of the Hitchhiker's Improbability Drive. That might not have made sense but at least it was clever!

While Jason takes care of General Eiling's bombers through technological shenanigannery, Firestorm attempts to close in on the Quantum Field Generator so Professor Stein can identify the off switch. But Ronnie's having trouble because getting through the reality distortion field is like "swatting wasps in a hurricane--they just keep coming!" First off, I think if you're in a hurricane and you're swatting wasps, you've probably lost your mind. First off, why are you still in a hurricane? You should have fucking evacuated instead of causing future problems for first responders when they have to pull your corpse out of a palm tree. And second of all, why the fuck are you swatting at wasps?! Jesus Christ! Those things will fuck you up! Forget the hurricane! There's never a good time to fucking swat at wasps, you idiot! I have lost all faith in Firestorm. This is what happens when you teach your young men in nothing but sports platitudes.

Because there are so many Multiplexes, Ronnie decides to unFirestorm. So instead of hundreds against one of the most powerful superheroes in the DC Universe, it'll be hundreds against an old man and a high school quarterback. Great plan! I mean, seriously, great plan because it works! Ronnie blocks all of the Multiplexes as Professor Stein runs up to the machine and flips the off switch. Seriously. I was making a joke earlier about the off switch but the machine really has an off switch. Luckily, Dr. Cunningham, the woman Multiplex was holding hostage and apparently doesn't know how to flip switches, is able to point at the off switch so Professor Mantin Steinman could man man man man man man.

Ronnie and Stein return to Firestorm and he tries to rescue Multiplex and Dr. Cunningham. But Multiplex wriggles out of his glove and goes, "Ha ha! I have escaped!" Then he's bombed into smithereens by General Eiling's bombers and Jason Rausch laughs and laughs and laughs! Ha ha! The bad guy sure got his!

Back at school, Jason confronts the girl he's supposed to be fucking because she's the odd, weird, smart girl. Except she doesn't know he's gay. Also she slipped some Rohypnol in a soda she gave him so that he'd fuck up his interview for the company she's also trying to get an internship at.

Oh sure! A good person would just allow a somebody to go around putting dangerous drugs in other student's drinks! Don't alert anybody to her criminal behavior! Snitches get stitches, bitches!

The story ends with Jason Rausch still not allowed to be part of Firestorm. But he is offered a place on the team using the telepathic helmet! So instead of one stupid disembodied head floating around Firestorm's face, there will be two! Oh joy! They just doubled down on the worst part about this entire comic book (aside from the lack of gay sex)!

The Review!
This book isn't going to get on The Rankings because it's four books in one that I'm splitting into different reviews. Besides, it's over now! And if you didn't read it as Legends of Tomorrow, you'll probably get to read it as a trade paperback soon. I know the Sugar and Spike one is available! And it's totally worth reading because it humiliates DC's big three heroes! This one isn't really worth picking up because it doesn't delve into the homosexual relationship between Ronnie and Jason. Or if it does, it gets really creepy because now Martin Stein is in some kind of homosexual May-December romance with Ronnie. It's so gross!

Legends of Tomorrow #4

I'm more like a Legend of Yesterday. It was for about three months in the summer of 2014. I either peaked right about here! Unless my peak was where I put Aubrey Plaza's face on top of Wonder Woman's in all of the scans.

The First Bit!
• I haven't been reading the last three issues of this because the last three issues of Legends of Tomorrow is technically the last twelve issues. That's a lot of issues to read just to clear three comic books from the stack! But I guess I need to face my demons head on! Today it will be this comic book; tomorrow it will be my spiraling alcoholism.

• That was a lie. I don't really drink that often. I think I have the Asian Flush because occasionally I'll have about one sip of alcohol and have a serious allergic reaction that destroys my sinuses and head for the next day or so. But even then, I still take my chances at times! My real problem is video games. I can't seem to play enough Overwatch these days. And I finally figured out a way to make replaying the SSI Gold Box Dungeons and Dragons games I purchased cheaply off of GOG.com interesting! I'm going to play through them all as just one mage. Not even a duel classed mage! Just a lone, stupid, chaotic evil mage named Hateful Barb. She doesn't take shit from anybody and murders any NPC when given the option to attack. She also dies a lot because she has almost no hit points and really just one tactic in battle: be invisible and cast Fireball. Sometimes she'll cast Stinking Cloud first to give herself a little time to Fireball. I would say her other tactic is "Don't get hit" but that's not something she's in control of. You can tell by how many times I have to keep reloading after she's slaughtered immediately upon encountering the next batch of five hundred orcs and kobolds.

The Firestorm Commentary!
• The issue begins with Firestorm being zapped in some kind of static field matrix field of static. He looks to be screaming in pain, as is Martin Stein's nearby floating head. I've never liked DC's decision to go with an on-panel (or, the case of the cartoon, on-screen) floating head to represent the person inside of the other person part of Firestorm. I would rather just have a voice inside one of those jagged speech bubbles that represents a voice from afar. I suppose back when Firestorm was created, DC Comics understood that most kids reading their comic books were stupid fucks who wouldn't understand what was going on without the floating head. But if the kids were really that stupid (they were! I base that on the fact that DC Comics didn't go out of business long ago. Their stories were awful!), didn't they just believe Firestorm was a man with his head on fire who was followed around by a scary disembodied head?

• General Eiling is torturing Firestorm because that's his entire purpose in the DC Universe. Whenever a character appears and says something like, "I'm totally a good guy but I'm so going to make that Firestorm my bitch!", you can bet it's General Eiling! He says it's his duty to torture Firestorm because Firestorm "may well be" an enemy of the United States. For military thinking, that seems about par for the course (which is "3" because I'm equating golf with the United States and the intelligence level of most of the people in this country would mean I obviously meant "miniature golf"). I wonder if the United States of America will ever learn that most people make better decisions when they don't base them on their own fears. Remember that time that famous American said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself? How do people not understand that he was talking about exactly the kind of problems that have plagued the United States since September 11th, 2001? More to the point, it's caused the kind of helicopter parenting that makes people feel justified for calling child services on a parent who once glanced in the opposite direction of their child while at the park. So dangerous!

• I'm going to be doing this commentary all day if I keep up this kind of pace. I'm still on page one of eighty! I'll probably burn out in the middle of the Metamorpho story which means the Sugar & Spike and Metal Men commentaries will have about two comments each.

How cute! Look at Major Force having a thought that he wasn't told to think!

• General Eiling gives a valid reason for torturing Firestorm: the Nuclear Man was created by a guy who was an associate of another guy who was a total jerk. I want to jokingly say "Seems plausible!" except that this is exactly the kind of bullshit reasons for keeping suspected terrorists in custody. Or should I say captivity? You know how people always defend harsh laws and violent police actions with shit like "Why are you worried if you aren't doing anything wrong?" Well apparently people have to worry because somebody they associate with might be doing something wrong! And how am I supposed to know what everybody I'm ever in contact with is doing?!

• Would everybody who has ever commented on this blog please send me a list of all the terrible shit you've ever done so I can report you immediately? I do not want to end up being tortured because I've been associated with you! Jerks!

Yeah! How dare you be concerned about the innocence of a person I'm torturing who may or may not be anything I think they are! The torture will put all of our doubts to rest! Probably! I mean, why would anybody say anything untrue simply to stop being tortured?! Probably cowards who have something to hide, that's who!

• I'm hungry for ice cream and it's 5:26 in the morning.

• Do these bullet points make my commentaries easier to read? Instead of an insurmountable, nearly endless wall of text, you get nice little bite-sized morsels! It's like you can pick and choose which ones you want to read! It's not like there's any real linear progression to them anyway.

• Major Force walks out so he can keep his honor and integrity. Although, I mean, do you really get to say you kept your integrity intact when you refused to participate in torture but then simply went across the street to eat at Popeye's and forgot all about the victim? I think Major Force might need to step up his actions a little bit or I'm still going to refer to him as an accessory.

• During the torture of Ronald Raymond (who--let's face it--is used to being in a tortured environment. His mom is a racist who feeds him dog dick dinners), Martin Stein continues to get off on their disgusting May-September romance. He's all, "Ronald! We have to split apart! My nuclear bond is about to compress! UNH! If it continues, the results could be catastrophic! Have you ever gotten semen in your eyes?! So gross!"

• Meanwhile, Jason, along with his beard, his dad, and Ronnie's mom, are searching for Firestorm.

Christ! Calm down, you racist jerk! When did he become your son's keeper? Maybe you're just upset because you're a bad mother who lost track of her little Ronnie Hitler Raymond.

• While exploring Martin Stein's lab, Jason finds the helmet Martin puts on that allows him to get inside Ronnie and Jason's heads when they're all up inside each other's Firestorm Matrices. He's so perverted and gross.

• Jason puts on the helmet himself and cries out in shock and sadness as he experiences Martin Stein's catastrophic "nuclear bond compression."

• Jason and his crew decide to rescue Firestorm from the military themselves. How do they suppose they're going to break into a military installation to rescue somebody without getting themselves killed?! The U.S. Military should sue 80s movies for making everybody think the security of military installations was so horrible that any child could find a way to sneak into one.

• Meanwhile, Multiplex is trying to find a way to make all of his duplicates into individuals. I still don't understand why he wants to do that. If I stumbled into some kind of cosmic accident which resulted in a second, fully autonomous me? I'd kill him. No second thoughts. Who knows what kind of embarrassing, and possibly illegal, things he'd reveal?!

• Multiplex explains to some physicist named Marla that he wants to resolve his potential self. Marla makes sure to repeat it later so the reader can be all, "Oh yeah! It sounds more like an explanation after I've heard it two or three more times!" Danton also explains how "infinite potential isn't enough." No shit, Danton. If it were, none of us would ever do anything! I'd sit in a dark room all day thinking, "I can do so many things! SO MANY! Oh man! This is great! So many things I could be doing which I'm not doing! It's wonderful!"

• General Eiling continues to put Firestorm under ever increasing amounts of pressure until he goes critical. You know, nuclear! That's when the tech who Eiling browbeat into increasing the upper limits of the torture is all, "I told you so! I fucking told you!", right before he's going to be obliterated by the nuclear explosion. I don't blame him. Those are probably some pretty satisfying last words.

• Major Force returns with greasy fingers and barbecue sauce all over the front of his spandex. He may have pussed out when it came to saving an innocent life from being tortured but he's still a hero! Or as much of a hero as he can be after allowing torture to continue even after he witnessed it. So now he's going to save the facility by punching Firestorm until he's not going critical anymore. Probably. I can't think of any other way DC Comics solves problems in their stories.

• Using the Martin Stein Mental Creeper Helmet, Jason discovers that Firestorm is about to blow! The only way to stop it is to shut down power to the military installation. Luckily, he and his crew are right next to a transformer supplying power to the facility! All they have to do is destroy it by crashing their car into it!

No, Jason, you literally don't have to do this. It only takes one person to drive a car into a transformer. Unless your father needs somebody to read the map and change radio stations, I guess.

• Jason and his dad both dive out of the car as it careens into the transformer. Why even put his dad in that situation?! You know how difficult it must be to open a car door on the opposite side of your only arm so that you can dive out of the car that you're steering with that arm?! Fucking Ronnie's mother should have driven that car and remained in it as it exploded. Why isn't she putting her life at risk to save her son?! Some mama bear she turned out to be, the lousy dog dick eater.

• Firestorm escapes and Major Force lets him go. Instead, he turns on General Eiling and relieves him of command. That's more like it! A person always thinks better after getting a couple Popeye's biscuits in them.

The Firestorm Ranking!
No change. Can we get a Firestorm story that doesn't involve General Eiling trying to turn Firestorm into a weapon for the United States, or one where he goes after Firestorm as a danger to the security of the United States? I liked the one that seemed like it was going to be a gay romance! It was one of the few new changes of The New 52 and it just went nowhere. I bet it's because Gail Simone was all, "We are definitely going to have Ronnie and Jason sucking dick on-panel." And everybody else on the book was all, "Um, no?" But I was reading it and I saw where it was headed and I was all, "Oh yeah!" But then Gail was off the book and it never happened except in my dreams.

The Metamorpho Commentary!
• I was being optimistic thinking I'd keep the same pace all the way through half of the Metamorpho story! I'm already winding down and chomping at the bit to play Overwatch! And eat ice cream! And cry about the overwhelming futility of it all! Although the ice cream might make me feel good enough to skip the crying.

• I only remember two things about the Metamorpho story. The first is that Metamorpho and Sapphire are on an ancient planet where the original Egyptians came from. The second is that Sapphire has a great ass. Hopefully there aren't any more plot points in the twenty page story so I won't have anything to discuss. Aside from Sapphire's ass.

• Oh yeah! Kanjar Ro is the villain. He's after the power of Ra, probably so he can use it to make Hal Jordan look like a fool.

• Metamorpho is the Chosen One on this planet. It must be primitive if it still thinks plots revolving around "Chosen Ones" are still interesting. Metamorpho explains to Neith, the leader, how he's hoping to change back into his old self. And Neith is all, "But why would you want to change?! Did the patriarchy make you feel bad about yourself?! You're perfect the way you are! Is me telling you that you're perfect just as oppressive as the patriarchy telling you that you have many flaws?! Am I part of the problem?! Um, what I meant to say is that anything you believe is cool and anything you do to your own body is great and every single one of your opinions, even though I just said you're perfect the way you think you want to be, are completely gross and problematic to somebody so probably just shutting the fuck up and listening is what you should do. Although who should you be listening to? Why do some people get to speak and aren't told to shut up? I guess they're the brave ones! Today, they may have people gathered about like baby birds slurping down their wisdom (it's wisdom because everybody listening already agrees with it)! Tomorrow, somebody will rise up and point out how the brave one said something that was easily misinterpreted by the baby birds as gross and will be torn to shreds!" Unless she just tells Metamorpho he's currently cool the way he is and if he wants to change, it just seems maybe he should consider the reasons why he wants to change so that he's not doing it for the Patriarchy aaaaaand I was just interrupted by the Non-Certified Spouse and lost my stream of consciousness spiel that wasn't really going anywhere anyway so whatever.

• Rex tells Sapphire she's pretty and Sapphire tells Rex that maybe he'll be pretty again one day? Pretty much the opposite of what Neith just told him. Rex walks away, leaving Sapphire to gaze into the diamond testicle Rex gave her last issue.

• Simon Stagg has sent Java to find Rex, kill him, and retrieve Sapphire and the Orb of Ra. Java has been given a gun that will make Rex inert for thirty minutes. It's the only way a caveman can defeat a metamorphoid. Maybe the gun will turn Rex human for thirty minutes. That will allow Rex and Sapphire to totally do it like thirty times. Then Rex can send Simon a card that reads, "Thank you for the means to bang your daughter! She says I'm way better than a caveman!"

• Metamorpho eventually comes to the tower containing the Orb of Ra. They have a bit of a chat about destiny which is basically meaningless. People with good lives will often point out how many specific things needed to happen for them to have wound up exactly where they are in their life. It's such an obvious statement that I hate to think of it as philosophical. They never seem to realize that if they had made other decisions which wound up building a positive life for them, they would be saying the same fucking thing in that other timeline. Things happen and decisions are made and life winds up being whatever it winds up being. Is that destiny? Does it fucking matter? Although it's particularly vexing in Rex's case since the Orb of Ra hints around that Rex's entire life has been manipulated so that he can become the Chosen One and rescue the Orb of Ra. I might be a little bit pissed about that! Because now, I could look back at never telling Marilyn Mendoza how I felt about her as not my own regret! Now I have to look at it as some vast conspiracy that kept me and Marilyn Mendoza apart! I'm already shaking my fist about it!

• Metamorpho removes the Orb of Ra from the tower and is instantly ambushed by Kanjar Ro. Dammit, Rex! This is exactly the kind of thing the Orb of Ra was trying to avoid by manipulating you into being its Chosen One!

• Sapphire runs from the battle with the Orb of Ra and immediately phones her father to tell him that she has the Orb. Why that little hussy! I was so dazzled by her perfect ass that I didn't realize she was playing Rex the whole time!

The Metamorpho Ranking!
No change. Throughout that whole story, not one decent panel of Sapphire Stagg's ass. I'm so disappointed. Maybe Lord Google can help me find a good shot of it! Hmm, "Sapphire Stagg" and "ass" doesn't really help. Maybe "Sapphire Stagg" and "rule 34"! No, it didn't help. But Lord Google did turn up this thing that I saw so now you get to see it too.

The Sugar & Spike Commentary!
• In this story, Sugar & Spike are on the trail of Itty, Green Lantern's alien sidekick friend. At least I hope it was a friend. It's possible he kept it around for sexual reasons. I don't mean to suggest he was fucking it! But it's possibly Itty had an essential role in Hal Jordan's love life. And now he wants Itty back!

• Green Lantern believes he saw Itty in a picture of exhibits at the Metahuman Museum of Oddities. That's great! Because now Keith Giffen gets to write in a bunch of crazy shit DC Comics came up with over the years that he's been obsessed with since his first Ambush Bug mini-series! And probably earlier! Like when he was a kid that nobody liked and he stayed in his room all day reading comic books instead of being thrown into dumpsters.

I'm not great with Silver and Golden Age goofiness but I still recognize some of this shit. Crazy Quilt. Brother Power the Geek. L-Ron. The Red Tornado, original version. Kite-man. Vibe, maybe? Shining Knight? The Penguin's Walrus Sex Costume with the hole in the ass?

• The Trickster is also in a case on the next page. He's probably planning a robbery!

• While Sugar talks to the curator, the guy who used to be Lamplighter, a Green Lantern foe, Spike stumbles upon a display of the original Green Team. That's cute since the new Green Team had a museum much like this one! In fact, they had Brother Power the Geek in theirs too!

• I think Spike is embarrassed to be in the Museum because he knows he should probably be one of the exhibits.

• Anyway, the Toy Girl from Superman Island arrives with another Itty and things happen and it turns out this is the son (or daughter? I forget) of the original Itty which has 33 other siblings and that's the end of the mystery because I need that fucking tub of ice cream already! It's now 8:26 in the morning! It's been three hours since I first thought about having ice cream! Also, I've been reading this comic book for three hours! Also playing a little Pool of Radiance here and there. And, of course, I'm writing this on the Internet so there's that constant distraction!

The Sugar & Spike Ranking!
No change. It was cute. That's about it. I'm tired and need sugar! Metal Men will have to wait.

The Metal Men Commentary!
• They go on an adventure or some such shit.

• During that adventure, Cliff Steele poses as a lawyer. I don't think he's actually a lawyer. Is he?

• Also, the government creates a new batch of Metal Men. This group also only has one female. And they're all boring. "I'm Aluminium! The best thing I can think to say about myself is that I'm the third most abundant element!" "I'm Lithium! I'm used in batteries!" "I'm Silicon! I'm boring as hell too in that my best feature is my abundance! Second overall in the element category!" "I'm Zirconium! 'Nuff said! Total bore!" "I"m Copper! I fuck like there's no tomorrow!"

• Okay, so maybe Copper isn't as boring as the others. Also one is called Magnesium but he was too boring to mention.

• Since the New Metal Men have Copper, Lithium, and Magnesium, I would have liked them to also have Nitrogen, Nickel, Uranium and Sulfur! Then they could line up and spell "CuNNiLiMgUS".

• The Metal Men discover Nameless is actually The Calculator and they apprehend him. But instead of being able to hand him over to the military, the military decides to test their Metal Men against Magnus's Metal Men. I hope they defeat Lithium and Magnesium by just throwing water on them and watching them burn to death.

The Metal Men Ranking!
No change. It was better than previous episodes. I think. It's hard to tell being the fourth story in a book containing four regular sized comic books. Usually when I sit down to read some comics, I get through two before I get anxious to do something else. By the time I'm on my fourth comic in one sitting? I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out. Judging by how I didn't do that, this story must have been halfway decent.

Green Lanterns #5

Can DC Comics please retire Atrocitus already?

The Review!
I'm not a fan of this comic book. It's all idea and no substance. The idea is to have two rookie Green Lanterns learn to overcome their flaws so they can save the world. Also they're quite different but they're also quite alike! And by learning to work together and lean on each other, they'll have the strength to be greater together than they ever could be alone! It would be nice though, being a comic book, if the pictures and words would work together. Maybe that's on purpose! The art and writing are like Jess and Si! They need to learn to integrate so that they can protect the world from unholy monsters like me! Now if I could just convince myself that that was the plan, maybe I could be happy about this series.

The Commentary!
Do comic book writers ever consider why they're bringing a specific villain into the series or are they just ticking the boxes on their run of a certain title? "I've got Aquaman so, of course, I'm going to need a Black Manta story. Just have him come int to try to kill Aquaman because, well, he hates him! Then maybe I'll do a Trouble is Brewing in Atlantis story about how people are disgruntled with a land dweller ruling them! I think I can drag that out about six issues because that's how long I'm supposed to make each story for corporate reasons that have nothing to do with the writing process. Then maybe I can bring back Ocean Master because his confidence will be up in the wake of the Atlantis trouble and because he hates Aquaman. After that, maybe there will be some conflict between the land and the sea because they mistrust each other. After that, I should probably do some environmental stuff because the king of the ocean needs to keep reminding people not to throw garbage in the ocean. Then if nobody is really paying attention because this is just another typical run of Aquaman, maybe I can sneak in my erotic story of forbidden love between Garth and a dolphin." That makes it feel like I'm picking on Dan Abnett when I'm really just picking on most writers in general. Aquaman is actually doing fine right now! But Green Lanterns? I don't know, man! I just don't know! Why are Atrocitus and the Red Lanterns the villains? Is it because we need to see Simon is angry at how he's been mistreated for being a Muslim American? Or how Jessica is angry because she never wanted to leave her apartment and now look: she's in space! Or did Sam Humphries just decide this was a good place to discuss how angry the entire world is?

I would like to point out that if you don't watch the news and you avoid Twitter and comment sections online, you would have no idea there was any anger in the world at all! Oh, you also probably shouldn't read my comic book reviews because I hate comic books so much! The only time I realize there are angry, impotent, frightened people in the world is when I destroy them in Call of Duty and they have to send me a message telling me how they don't approve of my style of play or my guessed at sexuality! I guess I'm not supposed to kill them over and over again? Or suck cocks?

If you're tired of reading comic books that make you do all the work, might I recommend Green Lanterns?

It does all the thinking for you!

Simon and Jess can even manage to talk to each other in their Narration Boxes while giving the readers a quick personality study. Simon is the tough car loving man-dude with a chip on his shoulder! Jessica is the anxious one who is also totally cute and into Pokémon but against Oxford commas! I'm not sure but I think Sam Humphries would have a difficult time tightening up their codified gender roles.

The Green Lanterns are trying to shut down Atrocitus's Hell Well but now Atrocitus is trying to shut them down. He's brought his crew of Red Lanterns to help out. Jessica, who mentioned how Simon has to face the prejudice of the world on a daily basis, proves that she's one of those assholes he has to deal with.

Yeesh! I'd hate to hear how she describes the rest of the Green Lantern Corps! She's not going to be welcome at the Annual Picnic on Mogo. Also, Zilius Zox should be dead. See Red Lanterns Annual #1.

Si and Jess decide that they should "just do it" which means punch things until they're all punched out. When that's the extent of the conflict, I feel like just taking a nap with the help of a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of sake. This is the level of comic book writing that is held as top notch? Why do people dream about working for one of the big two when this is the bullshit they think is entertaining? You know what the problem is! Well, I know but I swore I'd stop ranting about it because it's all I rant about. But I think I have a new take on it, so maybe I can rant a little bit in this paragraph! The problem is all of these first person Narration Boxes! Because now an big fist fight without any plans or twists or interesting aspects can be the big exciting action sequence because during the fist fight, the writer shoves in a bunch of Narration Boxes so that it seems like some thought is going into the battle. The protagonist can think, "My opponent is too strong to just go toe to toe with! So I've got to use my brains!" But the visual will simply be fists thrown back and forth. The fights have no personality anymore because all the work is going into the thoughts of the hero. And the thoughts don't need to have anything to do with the battle. As long as Jess says things like, "I've got to overcome my anxiety and learn to stand up as a Green Lantern!", readers are fooled into believing Jess is overcoming her anxiety! Why else would she say it if it isn't true?!

I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Just because Jess and Si's Narration Boxing moved straightaway to a double splash page action shot, it doesn't mean the fight won't be choreographed in an interesting way. It doesn't mean Jess or Si will think up a clever way to defeat the Red Lanterns. I don't know for sure that this fight will be no better than a couple of drunks beating each other down over a perceived slight.

During the battle, Dex-Starr is given the Rage Seed to plant at the bottom of the Hell Well.

It's the most adorable evil scheme I've ever seen!

I can easily turn around on this series if Sam would just write more scenes with Dex-Starr! I'm not that down on the book! I get what Sam is doing with the two halves of the whole character arc of Simon and Jessica. I just wish he would do it more how I want him to do it and less how he wants to do it! Am I supposed to be some kind of unbiased critic who can't mention the flaws simply because the flaws and what I don't like overlap?! Please! I'm just as human as the next person as long as the next person is often called an unemotional robot by the people who know her.

Oh! Guess what happens after the adorable Dex-Starr scene? Simon and Jess continue to throw punches while the Narration Boxes do all of the work! Although I'm not sure what kind of work they're trying to do. I think they're trying to do the same kind of work that the Grifter Narration Boxes were doing way back when.

You mean it's not in the top ten things people would associate with them? Because I'm pretty sure that's wrong!

If we were to do word association and you were to say "Red Lantern", I'd be all, "Anger! Rage! Vomit! Red! Lanterns!" But then if you said "Fourth of July," I would never in a million years answer with "Lemonade!" Is it a regional thing?

Jessica continues to spray green light at the Red Lanterns in images that mean nothing. How is the fight going? Is she winning? Losing? Who knows because, as I guessed earlier, the punching doesn't matter. It's all about her Narration Boxing. Instead of showing how she doubts herself and how she overcomes that in the fight, the reader is just told that she's feeling anxious and that she doubts her ability. But while she thinks that, she continues to blast Red Lanterns as well as any Green Lantern who can't make a gigantic green boxing glove (which is none of them, by the way).

Simon gets his page as well where he thinks about how he overcame nearly getting his brother-in-law killed which means he can overcome this brawl. But then he also has to take a moment to have some Emerald Sight which is possibly even worse than the incessant Narration Boxing. Now he gets to see a glimpse of the future which means nothing. He sees the Justice League being angry and Atrocitus saying, "Red Dawn is coming." Who the fuck cares?! Why is this a thing? Is this like the local news teasing a story to keep you interested? Is this Sam Humphries thinking, "I know my story isn't good enough to keep people reading. But if they only knew I planned to bring in the Justice League, there's no way they can drop the book, right?!"

No. I can mention a Green Lantern making a boxing glove because I'm expressing my disdain at how the battle isn't even on that low of a level. As the author, you cannot go there because it's lazy.

Jessica's anxiety and fear take over and she runs and hides and thinks over and over again, "I can't do this!" No, you can't. Give the ring to somebody else because at this point, it makes no sense that you were given one. There's only one rule and that's the ability to overcome great fear. You have the great fear so fucking overcome it already! I suppose I can give you one more issue to overcome it but if this becomes a regular part of the series, I will...well, I don't know. Roll my eyes more?

I just remembered! The last issue had Atrocitus telling Simon and Jess that he would let the one that kills the other one live. But there's been no acknowledgment of that ending at all! I guess I'm just supposed to assume that he was speaking figuratively or that that speech was code for his Red Lanterns to attack?

The issue ends with Jessica curled up into a fetal position because she's representing for the terminally anxious. And Simon Baz has just got his ass kicked because he's representing for those who constantly get their asses kicked. I wish this issue were one page longer so the Red Lanterns could have just finished them off and saved me $2.99 next month.

Cyborg #3

Essay Assignment: Discuss the differences between "detailed" and "so busy my eyes exploded."

Anonymous really said my blog was "wannabe edgy" and now I feel pressure to live up to that standard! But I'm also currently commenting on Cyborg and I feel like "wannabe edgy" can easily get away from me to become "outrageously racist." Maybe I should just bash Columbus for awhile. Just to get everybody on my side, you know?

I wouldn't have even known this was Columbus Day if it wasn't for all of the people bitching about Columbus Day. To be fair to Columbus Day (which I do because I'm better than Columbus Day and won't let it destroy my compassionate humanity!), I never remember any holiday that occurs on Monday. I work every Monday no matter what. Unless New Year's Eve takes place on Monday and then forget about it because I don't want to be on the road with all of you drunks. And by "you drunks" I'm specifically referencing everybody who regularly reads this blog. I think I know my audience. Anyway, my Marvel Superhero calendar takes the right approach with Columbus Day. It doesn't even label it.

Hey guys! Did you know Columbus was pro-guns and anti-abortion?! He constantly used racial slurs and would point out how Islam was the religion of violence to anybody who would listen. Back in Italy, he was constantly telling women to smile. He was always, "Ay! Imma nice-a guy! Why-a you no wanna sleep wit' me?! Bah! Puttana!"

I don't know Italian swear words so I had to ask Lord Google how to say "bitch" in Italian. As I did, I found out that "troia" means slut or whore in Italian. Is that why Marv Wolfman chose that name for Donna Troy? Rude.

I would have had a paragraph giving Columbus liberal values so that my conservative readers could hate him appropriately too but why bother? They don't hate Columbus for some reason! I think it's because they love genocide and greed.

How is brunch with Aquaman worse than an alien invasion?

I don't mind making fun of Aquaman but the joke should have more to it than "spending time with Aquaman is awful." That just seems mean. Now if he'd said "Cullen Bunn's Aquaman," I would still be laughing and laughing!

Cyborg has to save Detroit from an alien invasion. The only issue I have with this story is that the alien invasion is only occurring because they're after Cyborg. So Cyborg's heroism isn't really heroism at all. It's just trying to reduce the consequences of his living in Detroit. But that's okay because I'm used to characters created by Marv Wolfman and George Perez simply reacting to villains attacking them rather than protecting innocent people or stopping crime.

Cyborg is busy keeping as many people safe as he can (even though they'd probably be safer away from him) while everybody at STAR Labs is busy fending for themselves.

Selfish. And really kind of hurtful.

Sebastian, Cyborg's friend, is beginning to panic because so many robot invaders are bearing down on them. So Vic tries to pump him up by yelling, "Third and ten, brother. Third and ten!" I guess that's supposed to inspire somebody to really try their best because they're in a second to last ditch effort to get a first down without having been at all successful on the first two downs. I'd probably just get depressed and disappointed with my performance so far if somebody began yelling that at me. Or I'd just fail like I'd been failing so far and allow the special teams to take over.

The special teams! I guess it's now fourth and ten! Good job, Cyborg and Sebastian! That was sarcastic!

Now that Platinum's arrived, she takes over all the sexual assault talk that Cyborg was laying down in the beginning of the battle which I didn't mention. Sometimes I don't mention stuff that I wished I'd mentioned because I want to refer back to it later. I suppose I could just scan every page of the comic and not even bother to write anything at all. I'm sure more people would enjoy that! Especially Reverse-Flash Anonymous, Twat Lobo Anonymous, and my mother.

STAR Labs is almost overrun when the Technosapiens arrive! Unless they're the Tekbreakers and the invading aliens are the Technosapiens! I think that's the right way round. The Tekbreakers are here to help save the day! Except there's only one problem: the Tekbreakers were the ones to kill Vic in the Sneak Peek. So when Vic arrives, he's all, "I know this will probably be a mistake and we'll wind up talking about it later but for now we must fight even if we are actually on the same side!"

I'm not saying he doesn't have a reason to punch first! It's not like when somebody would say hello and Supergirl would punch them in the face.

The lead Tekbreaker winds up being Alternate Universe Sarah Charles. That's good! She probably has an input with the correct configuration for Cyborg's output! AU Sarah Charles is all, "Yeah, yeah. So I stepped on your toes by accident. Or killed you on purpose, maybe. So what? Do you want to hug and kiss and make robot babies or do you want to win the war that your father started?" Then nobody's jaws drop with the revelation that Alternate Universe Silas Stone is a Would-Be Galactic Conqueror because no panels follow the revelation. I have a feeling that even if there was another page, nobody would be surprised that Silas Stone was a Universe Dominating Monster in at least half of alternate dimensions.

Cyborg #3 Rating: No change. It's really hard to remain unbiased when reviewing comic books because most reviewers want to build some kind of beloved relationship with the comic book companies and their creators. I don't have that problem because I'm not trying to be part of that world. That doesn't mean I'm not biased though (stop rolling your eyes, regular readers who are muttering "needless to say" under their breaths!). I'm biased because Cyborg bores me and now I have to review a Cyborg comic book without letting my boredom affect my opinion of how well the comic book is written. Well, I can't do it. I was bored. Cyborg is boring. His quips come too fast and often because he's trying to hide the fact that he hates himself and wants to seem like another Spider-man. If I were writing New 52 Cyborg, I would write a story about what's going on in his crotch area. Did his father somehow save his junk (which is hard to believe based on images of Cyborg in the early Justice League issues) or was his penis replaced with an e-cigarette? Now that story would be interesting! To me. I mean, this story may have been interesting to other people. How should I know? I'm not actually a comic book reviewer! I don't have to not be biased! Just ask Ann Nocenti and Fabian Nicieza!

Deathstroke #9

Superman: Punching Robot. Deathstroke: Stabbing Robot.

Oh Superman. You shall not find solace from shitty story arcs in this house of despoiled innocence. I once thought solace might be possible. Back in the summer of 1991, I thought I, too, could find refuge from the tempests of newly found adulthood. Deathstroke the Terminator had his own title! Once a month, I could lose myself in the adventures of a man who wasn't limited by the ethics and morality of other people! A man free to solve any problem by eliminating it and forgetting. Imagine taking the head off the rude asshole at the coffee shop! Or disemboweling the neighbor constantly tsk-tsking your yard! Jubilant freedom! All encompassing peace! But, no. Superman, it is impossible. Eventually we all find ourselves standing over a spider, the size of a human hand, soaked in bug spray yet finally crushed to death because it just couldn't be poisoned. We stand there, and we cry. We realize we have no stomach for slaughter, and no defense from feeling the pain of others. We look fear full in the face and watch as solace disappears as easily as chalk washed from a sidewalk. We realize the only true comfort and consolation for life is death. The rest is just hiding from reality. And--listen well, Superman--this comic book is the worst place you could be hiding. Go deal head-on with your problems in your own comic book. You'll find no solace here.

Just so everybody knows immediately how bad this book is going to be, Tony S. Daniel begins by having Deathstroke think, "Back on so-called Paradise Island (not even)." You didn't think only Oscar Wilde could come up with cutting bon mots like that, did you? Let me dissect it for you if you're sitting there drooling on your "I Heart Maury Povich" shirt and thinking, "Dert?" Deathstroke doesn't think Paradise Island is actually a paradise! He makes this apparent by adding the "so-called" to show that he doesn't believe the word "Paradise" actually describes it. And then he adds a semi-camouflaged "Not!" joke to drive the point home that Paradise Island is not an actual paradise! Unless the two jokes cancel each other out which is a possibility. Then I think it means he appreciates the place. Hmm. Maybe I'd think better if I wasn't wearing this heavy "Number One Jerry Springer Fan" sweatshirt.

In the next panel, he puts the word paradise in quotes, so I'm feeling pretty confident that he thinks the island isn't paradise at all! Whew. I'm glad that's cleared up. Although, it's not really some great revelation into his character to have him believe Paradise Island isn't a paradise at all. Historically in fiction, it's not exactly a place that men are supposed to feel comfortable visiting. I seem to remember there was actually a time that men would simply die if they set foot on the place. So if Deathstroke found Paradise Island to be an actual paradise, I'd conclude that Deathstroke was a woman.

I'm disappointed that Tony S. Daniel isn't drawing this issue because why else would DC Comics allow him to write an issue? Doesn't DC Comics only allow him to write so that he'll agree to draw as well, thereby ensuring that fans of his art pick up a book full of his 7th grade level writing (I apologize to any 7th graders reading this)? Who picks up a comic book written by Tony S. Daniel but drawn by a less competent artist (I apologize to Eduardo Pansica if he's reading this. I really am trying to insult Tony S. Daniel here and you just got caught in the blast)? That's like getting the worst of everything! If any 7th graders are reading this, could you please send me an analogy to use next time I choose to call something "the worst of everything"? You know, something like "That's like having your first kiss with a sixth grader who is also the Portuguese exchange student" except less racist. Is Portuguese a race? Or is it just Spanish with linguiça? I think it's actually just a nationality! So be less nationalist when you send me your free 7th grade jokes. Man, I'm laughing already. Nobody's funnier than a 7th grader.

Even though Eduardo Pansica is doing the art, Tony S. Daniel is still writing double splash pages into the comic book. It's possible Tony meant to draw this issue but just couldn't find the time what with coming up with all of Deathstroke's sick burns.

Currently, the ignorantly named Lapetus's army is kicking Amazon butt back and forth all over so-called "Paradise" Island. It looks like they need to be saved by a man! Good thing Deathstroke's here! And I think even Superman will help save all the women too! Although it looks like he's just come to kick Deathstroke's ass for being mean to his girlfriend. This issue had better not end with Wonder Woman being friends with Deathstroke. He's a mass murdering maniac! She's a compassionate queen of hug attacks! That would be the worst writing ever since "Paradise Lost"! Coincidentally, this issue is called "Paradise Lost." Suck it, Milton!

If you're this angry at the pantheon, shouldn't you be ravaging Olympus? The Amazons had nothing to do with locking you up, dude! "Dude"? No, no. "Bro"! Lapetus seems like more of a bro than a dude.

Hessia finds time during battle to remind Deathstroke that they once dated and she totally doesn't trust him at all. Deathstroke reminds everybody how awesome he is by pointing out that the Godkiller sword is super duper powerful so even he has a hard time controlling it. But he does control it which means he's the best ever! He's also the only one with any real sense of the battle since he's the only one who apparently notices Iapetus leave the battlefield (it's so comforting to know that Spell Check doesn't underline Iapetus while it underlines Lapetus because Tony S. Daniel and everybody associated with this comic book are apparently more ignorant than Spell Check).

Deathstroke notices more on the field of battle than the others because he can turn his head all the way around.

Iapetus notices Deathstroke follow him away from the battlefield and declares that "for a mortal," Slade possesses a "sharp, strategic mind." I know! I was just thinking how Sun Tzu once said, "If your enemy flees from battle, it is probably not a trap or a trick and you should totally follow him so you can kill the jerk and maybe even impress him a little bit with your knowledge of strategy." Too bad Wonder Woman isn't a fan of The Art of War or else she would have made sure to notice that Iapetus was leaving the battle.

I just finished eating a chocolate chip cookie and now I have to wonder: Why is most of life the moment after the cookie is gone rather than the moment of enjoying the cookie? Maybe I spend too much time wolfing and not enough time savoring! Or maybe I should think of the "cookie is gone" moments as "anticipating the next cookie" moments instead?!

Iapetus offers Deathstroke a job instead of killing him. What kind of jobs will be left once Iapetus destroys everything? I have to imagine it's some kind of job that starts with "hand" or "blow."

It's refreshing to have the bad guy point out all of Deathstroke's best qualities. I was getting tired of Deathstroke having to point them out himself.

Iapetus knocks Slade all the way across the island and out of his hair in much the same way Wonder Woman didn't, but should have, last issue. He then begins to offer up some Bad Guy Narration Boxes so the reader realizes his true plan is to rescue his sister-wife Themis from Tartarus. Although he doesn't name her so she may very well be called Lhemis.

Even though I was once a twelve year old nerd (when being a nerd wasn't cool at all and all the people who think they're nerds now would never have been nerds then no matter how much they believe their wants and desires can alter reality), I don't really know that much about the Titans of myth so I had to look up Iapetus's lover. But I do happen to know the planets and moons of our solar system fairly decently so when a writer names their Titan character "Lapetus," I recognized the name should have been Iapetus. One of my favorite things is how the Greek and Roman gods have long ago been put away and yet we've resurrected them to still exist in our skies. It's a brilliant system for naming the heavenly bodies in our solar system.

Um, anyway, looking up Themis, I see that she's more of a hugger than a fighter which probably means she'll get free and tell Iapetus to knock it the fuck off. Then he'll shrug his shoulders and go back home to Tartarus. That'll leave plenty of room for Superman and Deathstroke to fight.

Iapetus burrows into the ground after flinging Wonder Woman away. Deathstroke runs up to see if she's okay and guess what happens next? Come on! You can do it! It's a classic comic book trope! Of course that's it! Superman arrives just in time to believe Deathstroke did this to Wonder Woman! I mean, Deathstroke did kind of do this to Wonder Woman last issue. But not this time! This time it's a total misunderstanding and Superman is super in the wrong! Ha ha!

Forget about the probably seriously injured female nearby! There are dicks to compare!

At the start of the next page, Deathstroke Narration Boxes, "This is literally the last thing I need right now." Well, you literally could have prevented this fight from taking place. Perhaps you should have taken the time to explain what was going on? It would probably take less time than the upcoming battle with Superman. Actually, the battle with Superman should take far less time as Superman stands on Deathstroke's smoldering corpse waiting for his regeneration powers to kick in to find out if Slade is suddenly in a more talkative mood. But we all know Deathstroke is going to actually have a chance of beating Superman with his stupid Godkiller sword.

Slade's sword does all the work for him so I'm about to petition to have this comic book's title changed to "Godkiller Sword".

So tell him, you big bag of fuck! I might go so far as to say you are endangering the world by not fucking answering his question when he first arrived! I hate everybody.

Deathstroke completely has the upper hand with his sword and pummels the shit out of Superman right up until the moment where Deathstroke finally decides to start discussing the situation. That's when Superman grabs his throat and chokes off Deathstroke's words. Boy, the drama! The tension! You can't even cut this shit with a Godkiller Knife!

Superman calls Slade a "notorious psychopath and a murderer" which is maybe not 100% accurate but it's at least as close as 99.99% accurate. So of course Slade thinks how Superman is "self-righteous." Oh gee! I guess most everybody on the planet is self-righteous because they don't believe in going around killing people for money. Maybe if Superman were to accuse Deathstroke of those things after Deathstroke killed a couple of people in self-defense, I'd agree that Superman was self-righteous. But seeing that Deathstroke has killed 938 people, and most of those for a paycheck, I'd say that Superman was not being self-righteous at all. I'd say he was being "accurate."

"Slade?! First names...are you fucking him?!"

Now that yet another scene where two people on the same side battle because they don't have time to communicate before throwing a punch, the story can get back on course. Also remember that while Superman battled Deathstroke, hundreds of Amazons were being killed by Iapetus's army. Some hero you are, Superman! Deathstroke Superman and Deathstroke Wonder Woman deserve each other!

Anyway, Lapetus returns from underground and this time he's even scarier for some reason.

I guess it's because he found his polearm?

I can't wait until next issue when Batman arrives and mistakenly believes Deathstroke is the bad guy. Although I guess Batman already had his battle with Deathstroke in an earlier issue. A battle which he totally just got bored of right in the middle of and walked away without bringing Deathstroke to justice. That's totally something Batman would do, right? It's not like he's obsessive about justice or anything.

Deathstroke #9 Rating: No change. It’s hard to call Deathstroke the worst comic book published by DC Comics in a world where books like Twat Lobo and the Teen Titans are being published as well. But it is. It is truly stupidly ridiculous. But what did I expect from a writer who somehow figured that Deathstroke was not doing well in sales not because he’s been poorly written since the start of The New 52 but because he figured Deathstroke was just too old to connect to the potential audience. So the big twist of Tony’s book was that Deathstroke was now young. And guess how much that’s mattered at all? Besides one panel where Slade looks at his cock to notice how young and vibrant it is and a few panels where people say, “You’re not Slade! You’re too young!”, it hasn’t fucking changed a thing. He’s always in his Goddamned mask! Who fucking cares about his sudden youth?! It’s idiotic and makes no sense because he’s still the same old, experienced man that he was before he lost the gray hair and regained his lost eye. It matters zero to this character that his skin is smooth and his cock can get erect. And that describes this book. It’s shallow and without depth. Why are there still people working in the comic book industry who think story doesn’t matter?! Comics have grown the fuck up. Why haven’t they?

Convergence #8

I actually made it to the final issue without anybody spoiling it for me!

The cover must portray the end of the book when Telos delivers all of the heroes to their new worlds in The New 52. Hopefully those new worlds include the entire universe they came from as well. The Multiversity Guidebook listed seven unknown dimensions. Hopefully those will be converted into old DC Universes that will subsequently be ignored for years. Except for the new Earth-2. After what DC did to it, Earth-2 needs a serious reboot. And probably a long shower too.

The issue begins with Doctor Fate speechifying and explicating up a storm. He explains how the death of Deimos has released the powers of all of the time travelers and has turned Planet Brainiac into "a proverbial bullet that will shatter the multiverse." Is this the Doctor Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Doctor Fate because he's talking Madame Xanaduian nonsense! Nobody listen to Doctor Fate! I've never heard of this proverbial bullet that will shatter the multiverse! What proverb was that in?

The point to be taken from Doctor Barn Owl's words is that they're all going to die now. Everybody thank Uncle Parallax!

Hal Jordan is all, "No, no! Hold on! I wasn't finished yet! You can't critique my work until you've seen it to its end!" Then he quickly writes a script that portrays Starfire as something more than a cosmic cum dumpster and points out how everybody was completely wrong when they criticized him. No wait. That wasn't Hal Jordan! That was Scott Lobdell. Hal Jordan's lie to save face is just that he can stop the planet from becoming this mysterious proverb.

Hal's new plan is to gather up all of the Green Lanterns on the planet so that he can kill them and take their rings. Then he'll say, "Voila!" And nothing will be fixed but Hal will be even more powerful and might even survive the new crisis. But nobody trusts Hal probably because he actually vocalized that ridiculous plan. The Flashes begin to feel the world coming apart and Telos says, "The Countdown to Final Zero Infinite Crisis Point Hour Redux has begun!"

Great, Booster. You just had to bring Waverider into this. Can I get a refund now?

How long will this fight to survive go on before Booster Gold mentions that he comes from a universe that isn't represented by any cities on this planet which probably means that it has never been destroyed in a crisis! I bet he remembers when Waverider screams, "Booster! Only one chance left! You have to suck my cock!"

Waverider tells everybody his plan and then acts on it before anybody can chime in with a "Bad idea!" or a "Are you fucking nuts?" or "Where did Ambush Bug and Cheeks go?" His plan is to bring Mega-Brainiac back to the planet because Mega-Brainiac is the only being that can absorb all of the chronal energy threatening to destroy the multiverse. But the heroes pretend like they didn't hear Waverider's plan because they didn't come up with it, and they attack Brainiac.

You're the asshole who screamed attack, Superman. If this was your stance, why did you provoke him?

Superman's speech reminds Brainiac how he just wanted to be known as the most intelligent person in all of existence. Oh, poor boy! He's just suffering from low self-esteem. I think all he needs are billions and billions of tiny hugs.

Brainiac explains how he's experienced every single version of the DC Universe and survived them all. But the exposure to all of the nonsense left him riddled with Cosmic Time Cancer. Now he just wants to go back to being Brainiac from Colu. And he asks the super heroes for their help.

Meanwhile in The New 52 universe, the heroes have given up hope and gone home to wait for nonexistence to creep in. Superman holds Supergirl's hand and says, "Well, we did our best! We all gathered here by this strange anomaly, watched it for a bit, got hit by exploding chronomatter, and realized we couldn't do anything. Nobody can say we didn't try our hardest to save the universe!"

"Although," begins Kara, "If we really do believe this is the end of everything, shouldn't we have laid down our lives trying to stop it instead of just twiddling our thumbs?" Superman smiles a smile that he'd be surprised to learn made him look exactly like Ma Kent. And he says the last words he figures he'll ever say: "What are you? Dumb?"

Back on Planet Brainiac, Brainiac begins sending everybody back to their cities so he can return them to their original universes. He mentions something about resetting the Multiverse because it's been over three years without a universe changing crisis. But then something goes horribly wrong!

I don't get it.

So Brainiac says if the First Crisis isn't changed, the multiverse will once again collapse into one universe. So he wants the First Crisis to maintain a multiverse instead of it happening and destroying infinite Earths. But then he sends The Flash and Supergirl back in time so that they can die in the Crisis just the way it happened the first time. Wouldn't that result in the First Crisis not being changed and exactly what Brainiac doesn't want to happen to happen?

Maybe he'll explain it better if I keep reading.

Before Mega-Brainiac sends everybody back in time, the heroes form teams and decide to go back to different parts of the past to help defend against the various crises. Parallax wants to go back to Crisis on Infinite Earths to try to save The Flash and Supergirl. That means he won't be around to become The Spectre. I think DC has gone mad! After decades of trying to make their entire library of stories more coherent, they're now on the verge of making them incomprehensible!

I love it! Tear it all down! Blow it all up! DC Comics does like this theme of "52" so this must be their version of playing 52 Pick-up with their universe.

Who wants to be DC Comics does "Crisis On Infinite Earths Redux" with the new ending? Then they'll set up a few comics that continue from that version of the DC Universe. Dan Jurgens can write it since it'll have to take place in 1985.

Mega-Brainiac informs everyone that the heroes were successful. Crisis on Infinite Earths now happened differently! Now they'll have to deal with Zero Hour! Or have all the other crises just been wiped out by the change of the first one?

Apparently it changes everything. All of the worlds that were destroyed by Crisis on Infinite Earths actually survived. They've changed and evolved now because it's thirty years later and we don't want stories about a bunch of planets from 1985. Mega-Brainiac declares he's returning to Earth-0. But first he must cleanse Planet Brainiac. Too bad the Twofers and Telos are still on the surface! If Alan Scott can't save them with his Rainbow Energy power, they'll all be doomed!

Alan Scott converts Planet Brainiac to the new Earth-2 and Telos transports it back to Universe-2 where the survivors of World's End are still looking for a new home. Green Lantern sends out a Green Spectrum Flare for them to follow back to Earth. Hopefully when Dick is reunited with his son, he won't ever ditch him again for his son's own good.

At least the kid had the sense to ditch Barda!

Convergence #8 Rating: -1 Crisis on Infinite Earths out of 1 Crisis on Infinite Earths. Oh, DC Comics! Why can't y'all just be content with the universe as it is. It's not a puzzle that has to be solved. It's just a bunch of stories. This feels like the powers that be got together and asked, "When did our universe get so fucked up?" And what they came up with was that everything started getting screwed up after Crisis on Infinite Earths which was supposed to be their big fix. So what the current people in charge of DC Comics think is that more variety and insanity is good for comics. This was something that DC tried to quash for years. My question is this: how long before a new set of people in charge decide things should be more like the universe after Crisis?

Hopefully this revelation isn't treated as a "fix" of the universe. Hopefully DC has the endurance to run with it and just accept that this is their universe now. Every story is now in continuity. Even the ones that happened after Crisis are in continuity because they had to have happened to have the characters meet on Planet Brainiac so that they could eventually beat back the Anti-Monitor. So are y'all satisfied now? While your favorite characters might not be in a current book, their stories exist. They haven't been rebooted into oblivion. They're just part of a wacky-doodle universe that has never made complete logical sense no matter how much the powers that be wanted it to.

For some reason, this entire thing reminds me of Brandi Carlile's song "I Will."

Convergence #6

The New 52 to the rescue!

If it weren't for Superman being on this cover, I'd believe that everybody was falling into a large, gaping, poorly wiped butthole. But Superman makes me believe that they can fly. Supergirl actually looks like she's falling down and her screaming face helps sell it. Lex just looks like he's trying to catch space debris in his mouth. Those rocks must be made of kryptonite.

For the last five issues, things have been converging. They were really converging well and the converging seemed to be speeding up. I imagine the converging will continue with this issue and it will converge into a frothing convergence of convergy convergence by the end of the next issue culminating in a convergence of convergimate convergences in the epic last issue. Unless there's a huge twist! Maybe things won't converge at all. What if they wind up...diverging?!

I see Scott Lobdell is back in the credits so I'm preparing myself for some really crappy characterizations. But Ed Benes is drawing, so I've also got my dick in my hand. Here come the over-sized boobies and sexually charged poses! Look! Here's one right on the first page!

Oh yeah! Bend over, Cyborg! Bend over like Beckham!

Cyborg isn't really bending over. He's actually kind of squatting. But that's still sexy because I'm picturing him doing it over a glass coffee table.

When Batman was asking J'onn about whatever he's witnessed and he says, "You and your team have traveled across the universe and back," I assumed Batman was talking about Stormwatch. That's a team that will make your eyelids catch fire when they describe the things they've seen. But Batman is talking about Justice League Canada. Seriously, Batman? You're going to get your news from that chicken little outfit?

Is that a saying? "Chicken Little Outfit"? It sounds like a fast food restaurant. Now I want Popeyes.

Justice League Canada's weekly hockey game has been interrupted by a strange planet forcing its way into The New 52 Universe. Superman and Supergirl are also there to witness the cosmic birth. Or cosmic bowel movement. Tomayto, tomahto.

The Red Lanterns have also stopped by, even the dead ones like Zilius Zox! That stupid ass Oracle that Lobdell created has also come by to watch and probably say nothing and do even less. Why is that character still being used in the DC Universe?! It's fucking--and I have to say this no matter how much flack I get for it because nobody has come up with a word that means the same thing but without the inherent insult toward the mentally handicapped--retarded. And since nobody has given me an equitable word, I think we need to agree that the word "retarded" means something totally stupidly fucking fucked up and nothing else. Here's a crazy idea! Stop letting language tell us what to do! We make the fucking rules here! Language isn't in the saddle riding mankind! Mankind is in the saddle riding mankind!

*sigh* She's my girlfriend.

On the first page (you can look at it yourself because I scanned it), the story begins with "Our Universe. Now." But that has no meaning because all of the Red Lanterns are there and hanging out and being a team and not worrying about the ones that should be dead (this being, you know, now). The Guardians of the Universe are watching the heroes watching the planet instead of laying around all murdered by Sinestro. So this is some weird kind of definition of "now" that's beyond my comprehension. I said earlier that language doesn't rule us but we do, at first, need to have some kind of consensus before we change it. First we begin with a nomination like I did earlier. "I nominate that we allow 'retarded' to mean what we want it to mean without a bunch of feelings getting hurt because we've moved the horrible definition of 'retarded' to...let's say...kumquat! If somebody calls you a kumquat, you should get super duper bent out of shape about it and wag your finger like crazy and feel eminently superior to the person who actually used that word! Any seconds?!" But you can't just begin calling people kumquats and expect them to get offended until we've had the caucus and made a decision about the change! King and Lobdell have just gone with their own definition of the word 'now' and it's got me completely befuddled!

The planet is, of course, Planet Brainiac. And it's got an offer for enrollment which The New 52 just can't refuse! Although they already did refuse it five years from now in Futures End. So I guess Planet Brainiac wants to show them what they're missing and bring Multiversal Thunderdome to their doorstep.

Meanwhile Deimos has given the citizens of all of the cities on Telos one hour to allow him to rule them. I don't think it's a legitimate offer though because he tells Yolanda that he's just going to use their deaths to begin a new Deimos-themed universe. Everybody will have boring white nerd goatees and collars that poke out more eyes than childhood toys.

So I'm guessing something will happen this issue that will reverberate through the week's Convergence titles? Maybe they'll get Deimos's offer in the next ten issues I read.

The Earth Twofers stumble upon the Teen Titans who just got their asses kicked by the Extremists. Again! I can't believe they're worse than Justice League International! And Changeling's jokes aren't as funny either!

Pacifist Superman has completely forgotten that he's pacifist now because he's flown right in to beat the crap out of Lord Havok. I think it's like a game of Chinese Telephone (unless that's racist! Why was it called Chinese Telephone (Chinese Whispers to you other racists around the world!) in the first place? I bet because it was racist!) where each subsequent writer taking on the job of writing pacifist Superman has given him slightly more violent tendencies until he's become what we see now in Convergence. He's the same old punch drunk motherfucker from Krypton that we're all used to! Except this one is black.

Was that racist?! What would a game of African Telephone sound like? I'm not going to answer that! Think up your own (probably extremely racist) answers!

Why was any game about talking on the telephone about how confusing it was?! Did people have a hard time understanding each other on the phone because their minds were boggling over the seemingly impossibility of the technology?!

You don't have to answer any of these questions. I'm smarter and more racist than you so I already know all of the answers! The questions are simply for entertainment purposes!

Does he look like he's sporting a huge disco collar?

Another Superman arrives with another Flash and a Batgirl and a Speedy. The Extremists remember the beating they took from the guy with the bow and arrow and decide it's time to go join Deimos. That's a good idea because The Extremists can't be defeated. Except by Silver Sorceress and Scrub Jay who know their secret: they're amusement park animatronics!

Or completely fuck up all of the timelines forever.

Non-pacifist Superman (I mean the one that never once claimed to be a pacifist!) sends everybody to go recruit more heroes to battle Deimos. They all run off in separate directions leaving Dick and Clark to stand there thinking how awkward it would be if neither one tried to kiss the other one.

They don't kiss but they do flirt a little bit. Superman tells Dick Grayson that he's the heart of the heart of the DC Universe and that he's going to save them all by becoming best friends with Telos. Then while Dick is giving Telos one of those "best friend handjobs" that Doom Bunny tells me are the best way to show friendship, Superman will punch Telos in the back of the head and knock him unconscious! Then all the DC Timelines will win! Except the Justice Riders because they're all dead.

Jay Garrick recruits Superboy and then runs into Barry Allen just before Barry Allen runs so fast that he disintegrates for thirty years. I hope they race to see who is the fastest man alive while Dick hunts down Telos!

"Now show me that planet-sized cock of yours!"

Dick must have a really soft touch because Telos agrees to help save everyone in just a few strokes. I bet that's why he decides to move the planet into The New 52 multiverse! They beat Brainiac so that's the only place left to live! Time to move everybody into the seven empty mystery universes in The New 52! Whoo whoo! Train's leaving! All aboard for Sugartown!

Superman and friends confront Deimos and point out that a lot is greater than one. But Deimos points out that the equation is more like a lot is less than X and X is a lotta lot! X even includes stupid Billy Batson! Doesn't he know he's supposed to be a good guy?! Jerko!

Convergence #6 Rating: Your lips are moving! That means you're lying! I may be old but I'm not dumb! Oh. Sorry! Every time I turn on the radio it seems that song is playing. I'm going to write some songs about other trite sayings like...well, I can't think of any at the moment! It's hard to come up with cliches when everything you write is so original! I should probably rate this issue! It gets Seven Cosmic Bowel Movements out of Ten because it wasn't horrible and it was better than mediocre. I'm still working out the kinks in my system! I'm not actually equipped to do real comic book reviews. I mean, I didn't even throw in the obligatory paragraph where I say how the art matched the tone and how I wouldn't have even noticed the coloring if I wasn't doing a review where I'm supposed to be critical of the entire comic book.

Divergence #6
This isn't a thing. Why are you reading this paragraph?! Look! There's Howard the Duck!

World's End #17

*screams into microphone* "Seventeen issues of disappointment!" *huge guitar riff* "And counting!" *sound like drumsticks falling on drums because the drummer had an aneurysm*

Look at that fucking manspread on Desaad! He's one bad alpha asshole! Oh, and check out the gap in Barda's thighs! She is one hot bitch! Or is Barda knock-kneed with a bit of the old scoliosis? And maybe Desaad has had so many pelvic breaks that he can't close his legs when he sits? Now I feel like an asshole! Maybe I should change the subject.

Well, maybe I'll sort of change the subject. So I checked out the manspreading tag on Tumblr and it is just filled with unintentional comedy. So many angries from both sides! About what is essentially a non-issue that can be dealt with on a case by case basis. Somebody taking up too much space on public transport for whatever reason? Ask them to make room! If they don't, they're fucking assholes! But then I decided to also check out the thigh gap tag on Tumblr and was met with this:

Holy shit! I don't know if I'm in the mood to make snarky comments anymore!

That tag wasn't full of unintentional comedy at all. It was full of unintentional tragedy, I think. Now this is an issue! Most of you probably don't realize that society teaches women to have an unrealistic image of themselves. Yeah! It's true! Somebody should set about to fixing that or something because the thinspiration tag almost made me cry. And that means it affected me and when an issue affects a white cishet man manspreading all over his office chair, that's when it becomes a real issue! Although I suppose I could always heed Tumblr's warnings from now on and then the issue wouldn't affect me and it would have the same effect as if the problem had been solved! Right?

Actually, I don't tend to "manspread" in my office chair. I generally sit cross-legged or I squat on it. Or I'll kick my feet up on my comic book boxes (ankles crossed) and lean back. That's how I sit on buses. Most people don't know what to say when I tuck my feet into their lap to get comfortable, so they just kind of look the other way and ignore it.

Manspread just sounds like the most awful thing you can put on a sandwich. After mayonnaise.

Part of me just thinks I should delete everything I previously wrote because it comes across as facetious and insincere. Which is how it's meant to sound! Why can't I ever take anything seriously? Especially that thing about women and body image? But then I know I can't delete any of it because how else am I going to fill up this commentary? It certainly won't be by commenting on World's End #17 which I'm so totally avoiding reading by writing about all this other stuff.

I really, really dislike this comic book.

This issue begins with Replacement Batman shooting up Helena with Venom to shock her body back to life.

Fucking Power Girl. It's always about herself, isn't it? Screaming her own name when her friend is on the brink of death.

As Helena enjoys the Venom ride, Death delivers her Deathspawn of Apokolips. It's born fully formed with the ability to speak English which really helps to justify screaming, "Bring it down!" I mean, if it were just a mewling infant, Queen Lantern would look like a huge prick blasting it with his Green Lantern ring.

Azathoth continues to be alive after seemingly having died when The Blue broke down in baby tears and gave up on the fight to save the world. And Yolanda the Red Avatar continues to be missing in action after having arrived to not even save the day like she was supposed to. Have I been reading this series out of order?

The Deathspawn of Apokolips flees from the battle and heads into the Earth to devour the Parliament of Colors. Maybe Yolanda foresaw this move and she'll be ready to protect the tree with breasts and her friends.

Big Barda gathers up an army of Protofuries to go destroy the last of the humans.

Is anybody else tired of seeing Barda act like an evil jerko? Why the fuck did this even happen? Was it to surprise the audience with some kind of big twist? Because from the Earth-2 versions of Fury and Barda (as limited as Barda's role was in the series), the story would have made more sense to just leave Fury as the bad guy siding with Apokolips and to let Barda play the role of Earth sympathizer with Mister Miracle. Who decided it would make for a better story to have Barda be the betrayer?

Tornado Lane, Val-el, Power Girl, Hawkcop, and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick meet Big Barda at the entrance to Atom's Haven to engage in a mighty kerfuffle. It's probably super exciting if you're the half dozen people still interested in this comic book series.

I think somebody forgot, many issues ago, that Val-el is a pacifist.

Maybe punching Protofuries doesn't go against Val-el's pacifism. I mean, I'm a pacifist and I still punch dogs.

And then Kalibak crashes through a wall for some reason. Whatever.

World's End #17 Rating: -2 Ranking. I waste so much time while reading this comic book because I just know the story will hardly advance at all and I'll be left making the most boring comments on the most boringester comic book characters. Can Earth-2 just explode already? Please?