World's End #17

*screams into microphone* "Seventeen issues of disappointment!" *huge guitar riff* "And counting!" *sound like drumsticks falling on drums because the drummer had an aneurysm*

Look at that fucking manspread on Desaad! He's one bad alpha asshole! Oh, and check out the gap in Barda's thighs! She is one hot bitch! Or is Barda knock-kneed with a bit of the old scoliosis? And maybe Desaad has had so many pelvic breaks that he can't close his legs when he sits? Now I feel like an asshole! Maybe I should change the subject.

Well, maybe I'll sort of change the subject. So I checked out the manspreading tag on Tumblr and it is just filled with unintentional comedy. So many angries from both sides! About what is essentially a non-issue that can be dealt with on a case by case basis. Somebody taking up too much space on public transport for whatever reason? Ask them to make room! If they don't, they're fucking assholes! But then I decided to also check out the thigh gap tag on Tumblr and was met with this:

Holy shit! I don't know if I'm in the mood to make snarky comments anymore!

That tag wasn't full of unintentional comedy at all. It was full of unintentional tragedy, I think. Now this is an issue! Most of you probably don't realize that society teaches women to have an unrealistic image of themselves. Yeah! It's true! Somebody should set about to fixing that or something because the thinspiration tag almost made me cry. And that means it affected me and when an issue affects a white cishet man manspreading all over his office chair, that's when it becomes a real issue! Although I suppose I could always heed Tumblr's warnings from now on and then the issue wouldn't affect me and it would have the same effect as if the problem had been solved! Right?

Actually, I don't tend to "manspread" in my office chair. I generally sit cross-legged or I squat on it. Or I'll kick my feet up on my comic book boxes (ankles crossed) and lean back. That's how I sit on buses. Most people don't know what to say when I tuck my feet into their lap to get comfortable, so they just kind of look the other way and ignore it.

Manspread just sounds like the most awful thing you can put on a sandwich. After mayonnaise.

Part of me just thinks I should delete everything I previously wrote because it comes across as facetious and insincere. Which is how it's meant to sound! Why can't I ever take anything seriously? Especially that thing about women and body image? But then I know I can't delete any of it because how else am I going to fill up this commentary? It certainly won't be by commenting on World's End #17 which I'm so totally avoiding reading by writing about all this other stuff.

I really, really dislike this comic book.

This issue begins with Replacement Batman shooting up Helena with Venom to shock her body back to life.

Fucking Power Girl. It's always about herself, isn't it? Screaming her own name when her friend is on the brink of death.

As Helena enjoys the Venom ride, Death delivers her Deathspawn of Apokolips. It's born fully formed with the ability to speak English which really helps to justify screaming, "Bring it down!" I mean, if it were just a mewling infant, Queen Lantern would look like a huge prick blasting it with his Green Lantern ring.

Azathoth continues to be alive after seemingly having died when The Blue broke down in baby tears and gave up on the fight to save the world. And Yolanda the Red Avatar continues to be missing in action after having arrived to not even save the day like she was supposed to. Have I been reading this series out of order?

The Deathspawn of Apokolips flees from the battle and heads into the Earth to devour the Parliament of Colors. Maybe Yolanda foresaw this move and she'll be ready to protect the tree with breasts and her friends.

Big Barda gathers up an army of Protofuries to go destroy the last of the humans.

Is anybody else tired of seeing Barda act like an evil jerko? Why the fuck did this even happen? Was it to surprise the audience with some kind of big twist? Because from the Earth-2 versions of Fury and Barda (as limited as Barda's role was in the series), the story would have made more sense to just leave Fury as the bad guy siding with Apokolips and to let Barda play the role of Earth sympathizer with Mister Miracle. Who decided it would make for a better story to have Barda be the betrayer?

Tornado Lane, Val-el, Power Girl, Hawkcop, and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick meet Big Barda at the entrance to Atom's Haven to engage in a mighty kerfuffle. It's probably super exciting if you're the half dozen people still interested in this comic book series.

I think somebody forgot, many issues ago, that Val-el is a pacifist.

Maybe punching Protofuries doesn't go against Val-el's pacifism. I mean, I'm a pacifist and I still punch dogs.

And then Kalibak crashes through a wall for some reason. Whatever.

World's End #17 Rating: -2 Ranking. I waste so much time while reading this comic book because I just know the story will hardly advance at all and I'll be left making the most boring comments on the most boringester comic book characters. Can Earth-2 just explode already? Please?

Worlds' Finest #26

So many capes!

Every time I see the trailer for Dolphin Tale 2, I get all riled up and offended and my hackles go all "sproing!" It is such a dehumanizing story about dolphins. It's possible my problem with the movie is that I'm approaching it from already humanized dolphins, so you might point out that I'm overreacting. Maybe humanizing dolphins is the reason somebody thought this movie was a good idea! Who wants to go see a movie where people are inspired and learn about hope from a hopeless, intelligent creature being held in captivity? Just imagine how offended you would be if this movie took place in 1833 and Winter was a slave on some Southern plantation?

* * * * *

The trailer opens with a beautiful Southern Belle, Sadie, welcoming some older, white gentlemen in white suits to her palatial estate overlooking her cotton fields. "Hey everybody! How's it going today?" Also imagine that the producers, directors, writers, and actors decided that anachronisms weren't going to hurt their inspirational teen flick, mostly because I can't be bothered with all that in this quick sketch of a thoroughly offensive movie I'm about to describe. Winter, the house slave, steps up and offers everybody some lemonade, "fresh as a raccoon's biscuit."

"Looks like Winter's particularly playful today," says Sadie as she flashes a smile at her guests and shoots daggers at Winter. A young slave girl runs up and belches and everybody onscreen laughs as the main title appears: A Slave's Tale 2. This is followed with "The most extraordinary slave in the world will face his greatest challenge." Perky, upbeat music plays as we see the nearly corpsified local doctor speaking with Sadie. "Your house slave, Winter...he's not doing well, Sadie." Sadie's younger sister rubs Winter's head as he sits on the porch staring blankly over the bright green, nearly mile long front lawn, a small pair of clippers lying at his feet, something in his right hand hidden by his leg. The doctor says, "Does he do much housework?"

"Hardly any," replies Sadie.

"Have you tried bribing him with bacon?" asks the doctor. Sadie stares at the doctor incredulously. "It works for my cat," he drawls, and they both smile wide as a tear drops from Winter's eye to splash the small, hemp doll he holds, unnoticed, in his right hand.

The scene shifts to Sadie and the Doctor speaking in a luxurious parlor. "Winter needs to be paired with another female, and soon," warns the doctor as the music shifts to a nervous, unsure rhythm. Sadie's younger sister and brother sit by nervously wringing fancy lace something or others.

The scene shifts to a dark night out on the front lawn with the stark white estate in the background lit by electric lights. The Doctor, Sadie, Sadie's siblings, and several neighbors stand anxiously upon the dirt drive. Half a dozen men ride up with torches, a woman with a bag on her head and tied to a rope stumbling behind them trying to keep pace. "The local constabulary just picked up a runaway. It's a female." The lead man gets down off his horse, hands the torch to another and pulls the woman up from where she's collapsed in a heap. He removes the bag and an "Awwww!" rises up from the throats of the gathered onlookers. The woman spits and screams and breaks down into fits of crying as the gathered white people smile at each other and tilt their heads in the way people tilt their heads when they're looking at something extraordinarily cute and/or valuable.

The Doctor shouts nervously, "We've got to get her to her kind fast!"

"I'll take her myself!" Sadie runs forward in her majestic dress and tenderly helps the young woman to her feet. "Come on, girl," she whispers in that way slave owners whisper to slaves and furniture and the chickens. Her siblings rush behind her as Sadie takes the woman into the slave bunkhouse, setting her down on an empty bed where the woman curls up into a hitching, sobbing ball of tears and anger. "Now all we can do is hope," says Sadie.

"Hope," says Sadie's little sister. "That's her name."

A short montage gives the impression of some days passing as Hope is given clothing, and fed, and shown what chores she'll be responsible for around the slave bunkhouse. Hope stands rigid while holding a spade and staring at a tiny grave marker by the far corner of the bunkhouse. Sadie's brother watches and says, "Can we talk about putting her to work in the house with Winter?"

Sadie, aghast, says, "You can't just throw two slaves in the house together!"

"If they don't like each other! We'll lose Winter!" Sadie's brother stamps his foot and runs, crying, back into the house, ignoring Winter sitting on the stoop shining a pile of shoes.

The scene shifts to a long dining table full of silver everythings and sumptuous foods. Winter stands nearby with a pitcher of Iced Tea as the family talks about what they can do to save Winter. The music becomes inspirational and upbeat. "What are we supposed to do?"

"It's a big world, Sawyer," says the Doctor who came by for some roast suckling and peach pie. "You have to shake it up now and then."

"I know Winter!" Sadie's younger sister, Sawyer, proclaims as she slams the silver gravy tureen down upon the table. Winter flinches as he stands behind her ready to pour some tea as soon as a glass is half emptied. "If we don't give him this chance, what do we do? I don't want to look back on this knowing we didn't even try!"

"Sawyer's right," says Sadie's younger brother, Little Sadie. The little slave girl from earlier runs in and says, "Yumm yumm!"

"My sentiment's exactly!" says the old Doctor as everybody congratulates themselves on their newly awakened inspiration to do something inspiring and save Winter although they don't know what that will be yet. I mean, they know it won't be setting him free or anything. At this point, the music really kicks in so that the audience knows the white people are about to get some serious shit done for Winter and Hope!

Then there's a fifteen to twenty second montage of Sawyer and Little Sadie doing amazing things over lines like "Believe" and "the strength of white people" and "the power of delusion" and lyrics like "No matter what they put us through!" and "I believe in me and you!" until the trailer settles back down on Sawyer and Little Sadie watching Winter and Hope standing somewhat apart from each other but both staring down at something near the far corner of the bunkhouse.

"We don't know for sure if slaves feel friendship, but it feels like they do," Sawyer says to Little Sadie as Winter and Hope both drop to their knees and begin rending their garments. "That's not a bad thing."

Sadie appears on screen again saying, "Is everybody set?" She's standing before the slaves bunkhouse. "Okay. Send Hope!" She opens the door where Winter can be seen sitting on the edge of a bed naked, shadows hiding anything that shouldn't be seen in a trailer for a family movie. Hope is pushed and prodded into the bunk in a white, gauzy dress. Sadie and her family and all the white, rich neighbors look on expectantly, hugging and grinning wide as the final title credit comes up: A Slave's Tale 2. The music continues, "I believe! I believe in you!"

The screen goes dark for a moment before returning to show the little slave girl once again spinning around and banging into the porch window as a young white boy down the way and Little Sadie stand inside watching. "What is wrong with that nigger?" says the neighbor.

"Where do I start?" says Little Sadie, shaking his head in sad trombone resignation. The little girl belches blood and the music ends and "Fucking Never" appears on the screen. That's the month this movie is going to come out!

* * * * *

Okay then! How about we read a comic book?

Power Girl and The Huntress have arrived on Earth 2 during the Battle of the Worlds' Biggest Boom Tube! Now, they never appeared in Earth 2 during the battle but I imagine, judging by the cover, they'll wind up in the part of the battle that wasn't shown while The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick took care of business with Aquawoman.

Back on New Earth, Doctor Spears learns that she's now not only rich but powerful to boot!

Lucky for New Earth, Desaad also made it through the portal. Also lucky for The Huntress and Power Girl because that was really fucking irresponsible of them to leave him behind! He could have killed everybody! Or at least a few dozen people before Batman stopped him.

While Desaad is busy trying to get back to Apokolips via the great big new Boom Tube and Tanya Spears is getting checked out for new super powers, Power Girl and The Huntress head off to confront Val-el and Replacement Batman. But apparently that won't happen in this issue because 17 year old Tanya Spears is the focus of this one. Her and her new super powers and her physics professor that believes in God because he wants it to be true and not because he has any evidence for it.

Never trust a scientist that feels he needs to make up answers to questions he can't yet answer.

Earlier the professor says, "There's no conflict between science and the spiritual in my view, simply two ways of looking at the universe." True! One way looks at the universe and what it does and says, "Okay. Look at that. That's how that works." The other looks at the universe and says, "I hope my ego lives forever! Let's pretend that's a thing!"

Finally, Tanya learns that she not only received loads of cash from Karen but the name "Power Girl" as well. How exactly did Karen transfer her Kryptonian powers to Tanya?! I bet she used some technology she fucked away from Michael Holt!

Worlds' Finest #26 Rating: No change. There's a new, very young, super smart Power Girl in town! What team is she going to join first?! I hope she joins Justice League Canada because that's the best Justice League out there. Although they already have Supergirl so she might be redundant. Although they can probably be really good friends! They're both young and powerful. I think that should be one of the World's Finest team-ups! Also, I should say that I stand by my "A Slave's Tale 2" trailer. I actually think it's well done! Not the main story! The other story! The one the white people can't see!

Worlds' Finest #0

"Some years ago"? Way to nail it down, Paul Levitz! It obviously takes place longer than five years ago and I'd guess a good five years or more before that as well. But since this is Earth 2, who gives a fuck about being accurate!

Helena's Robin outfit is the best Robin outfit ever designed. Although I'd rather see her in green bikini briefs over Dick Grayson. And Kara's Supergirl outfit looks much better than the current Supergirl's outfit. I'm not a big fan of the weird diaper pad thing added to The New 52 Supergirl's costume.

Helena is out hunting thugs with her father. It's very early in her training and could possibly be her first outing in Gotham to catch some actual bad guys. She begins by thinking, "Ready. Now all I have to do is keep up to his standards, or I'll be grounded..." And I thought, "Grounded? You'll be dead!" Helena finishes her thought on the next page.

This may also be the best "drop in on the bad guys" pose in the history of comic books.

Robin handily defeats the bad guys because she was trained by the best (or is Batman of Earth 2 the third best, after Batman of Earth 1 and Midnighter?). The voice that was speaking to her earlier, asking if she were ready, did not belong to Batman as everyone probably suspected. At least I thought that, so I'm assuming everyone else did too! Except maybe that anonymous guy who reads the solicits and hates it when people don't do their research. He probably did plenty of research to gear up for reading this comic book. Wouldn't want to be surprised by anything, would we?

I like that you can see the influence for her Huntress suit in both her mother and her father's costumes.

Does anyone else ignore the shift key standard of using the one on the opposite hand of the letter being capitalized and just hit whichever fucking Shift Key seems convenient at the time? This question is for people who actually know how to type. Am I normal or just cutting edge?

When Batman gets back into planet, he has a few issues with Helena's gang banging busting activities.

This Batman obviously never learned The Final Lesson and now Selina is going to eventually have him murdered and take off with his money.

Meanwhile, Superman is training Kara. He mentions she's their secret weapon against Darkseid because Darkseid knows too much about the rest of them. Lois has already been killed and Superman doesn't want to lose Kara as well. She calls him "cuz" at one point, so I guess they have the same relationship as the Superfamily on Earth 1. They discuss the oddities of their different arrivals on Earth when they both left Krypton at the same time. But it's still a mystery. And the Superman heads off to Rome where there's some kind of job for Superman.

Back in the Batcave, Helena's training is interrupted by an alarm that has never gone off in her lifetime. Her dad has an emergency and she rushes off to help. When she arrives at the scene, she finds Catwoman dead and her father nearly crippled.

Batman must be near death if he can't even hold Robin back. Or maybe he didn't want to?

Once Helena swings into the building, Batman summons Superman to come help save his daughter. But he's off in Rome so Helena's soon-to-be bestie comes zipping in to save her instead.

Isn't this usually the perfect pose for a sky kiss?

With Supergirl's help, Robin chases the bad guys off through their Boom Tubes. Kara and Helena introduce themselves and bond over the loss of their mothers (or mother type journalists). And that's how they became best friends forever!

Worlds' Finest #0 Rating: BFFiest!

Worlds' Finest #1

Bye bye Boob Window. At least her formal dresses still retain the Boob Window as seen in Mister Terrific's cancelled-ass series.

My first thought when this comic was coming out was, "SRSLY? [I think in Internet Owl.] Power Girl and The Huntress are the World's Finest Heroes? Pshaw!" But then after the comic came out, I noticed the apostrophe was after the "s" and it made sense because they're the only heroes that have been heroes on two worlds. Except for every Lantern in the galaxy. And technically Superman is from two worlds. But then I realized they probably meant "finest" as in "sexy" and then I was okay with it again.

The cover isn't spectacular (why does George Perez add an asshole to his signature? Look at the cover!) but I like that these two represent light and dark. Not simply in their costumes either. Huntress works under the cover of night and Power Girl gets her energy directly from the sun. Unless her powers work differently being from Earth 2. Maybe they work better on Earth 1? Fuck, she's lucky they work at all! I would compare them to the Yin/Yang symbol (the actual name escapes me at the moment (yes, I fucking see that Google window in my task bar)) except I always forget which is dark and which is light. I'd look that up as well except I kind of like not knowing. There's a special balance to my ignorance!

I'm curious as to what happened to Huntress's Batplane when she came across to Earth 1. Or if Batman ever heard about it and was curious as to why she was flying a Batplane. Has she met Batman? I never read the Huntress mini-series that came out after the reboot because I couldn't find Issue One. Since Batman was her father, she must be insanely curious about him in this world. And if his secret identity was Bruce Wayne on Earth 2, then she knows all about him on Earth 1! Sort of.

One thing I hope Paul Levitz will do is have Power Girl and Huntress use sayings or slang from Earth 2 that makes no sense on Earth 1. And pop culture references when talking with friends! Holy crap it would be hard to fit in if you couldn't casually mention the way Fonzi got chicks to fuck him by simply snapping his fingers (was that 50's sexism or 70's sexism, by the way?) or how B.A. Baracus was always being tricked into drinking drugged milk when they needed to fly him somewhere? Maybe they had the same shows but with different actors? Pop culture could really be a minefield when trying to pretend you're from the same dimension as everyone else.

Picking a new identity in the middle of a restaurant doesn't seem ideal.

The comic begins with Helena (Huntress) and Karen (Power Girl) burning passports in the middle of a busy Tokyo restaurant. If they actually lived in Japan, that would probably make the pop culture stuff easier. After paying their check, Karen Starr gets a phone call that makes her sprint out of the restaurant, dragging Helena with her. I wonder if Karen Starr ends up on TMZ all the time. "Billionaire Karen Starr sprints out of another restaurant leaving another credit card behind. Super Hero or Irritable Bowel Syndrome?"

"Billionaire Karen Starr sprints into another burning building. Super Hero or Irritable Bowel Syndrome?" I'm not done with this joke yet!

The burning building is Power Girl's new billion dollar Japanese Research and Development Lab containing her experimental Quantum Tunneling Apparatus that will get her and Helena back to Earth 2. Well, it would have if her scientists hadn't burned it down. It's too bad she and Michael Holt never found out about their secret identities. Since Michael Holt (Mister Terrific) had the brain power to make the Quantum Tunnel work and head over to Earth 2. Although he's the reason Power Girl and Huntress are stuck on Earth 1 since they flew through his misplaced tunnel. Which means if Power Girl hadn't stolen information from Holt Industries, Mister Terrific would have never discovered that she was experimenting with Quantum Tunneling and he never would have Quantum Tunneled himself over to Earth 2 which caused Power Girl and Huntress to be stuck on Earth 1. I think it's all Power Girl's fault somehow!

Huntress follows her after advising Power Girl's people not to follow them in since they have experience in these kinds of matters. Yeah, that makes sense. Multi-billionaire and her dark haired "friend" have tons of experience running through flames and surviving exploding buildings. Nobody worry! They'll be okay in their heels and silk dresses! Situation under control!

Inadvertent boob window!

The Huntress notices the lab is filled with incendiary devices. Since Power Girl's lab doesn't make those, she guesses somebody did this on purpose. But she doesn't have any idea what Power Girl was working on until Power Girl tells her the machine was meant to get them home. Is it possible that someone else from Earth 2 made it over with them and doesn't want anybody getting back? Could it have been Jonni DC who destroyed the machine to protect DC Continuity? Maybe Steppenwolf was transferred to Earth 2 as well! Was he ever defeated or did he just Boom Tube back to Apokolips after all of his parademons short-circuited? The comic book is too new to make any guesses about who would want to sabotage Power Girl's chances to get home. Hopefully the answer doesn't rely on something that happened Pre-New-52.

I once broke all ten commandments on the internet! Twelve years ago and I haven't been struck down yet! Take that, Moses!

I wonder which seven commandments Power Girl would break? She probably wouldn't break the one about killing people. She probably wouldn't break the one about honouring her mother and father since they're dead and she probably loved them a lot. And the only one left that really matters is the stealing one! I think most people break seven out of the ten on a weekly basis! And they probably break all of them except the murdering one consistently (or all ten depending on how you feel about eating meat!).

I think calling the girl with the cross on her chest "a prude" is redundant.

I really like the above panel. It highlights that Yin/Yang relationship the two of them have. Also, the Yin/Yang symbol is like 69, so that's kind of sexy. I also like that Huntress is telling Power Girl she should get a costume so she isn't practically naked while the torn up dress basically is her old costume. Very cute. So far, I'm really enjoying these two together.

With her super-vision (which apparently means X-ray vision), Power Girl notices some radioactive substances have been stolen and that one of the Uranium Rods has been chewed. What enemy exists in the DC Universe that can chew on Radioactive cylinders?! I mean ones that aren't currently (or soon to be) appearing in Deathstroke the Terminator. Are there any that fuel themselves on radiation? Chemo? I would never bet money that Chemo was going to be an enemy! I'm just brainstorming!

After this, there's a bit of a flashback to when Robin and Supergirl arrived on Earth 1. It answers the Batplane question: it was disintegrated as they went through the portal. They arrived on Earth about twenty feet over the ocean. Huntress, having been trained by the greatest man in her dimension (I don't think Midnighter exists on Earth 2!), also known as her dad, she was able to save Supergirl (can Power Girl drown? I think she would regain consciousness before she needed to take another breath) and swim themselves to a nearby island resort.

The two did arrive on Earth 1 five years ago which means Michael Holt went back in time five years as he tunneled quantumly, right? Anyway, Huntress immediately realizes they're on a different world as she assesses their situation and reads a newspaper from the resort. It shows young Superman in his short sleeved jeans looks. Much younger than the Superman from Earth 2. It also means that Superman joined the Justice League almost immediately after the events in Action Comics where Superman gets his suit. I thought maybe that was a few years before the Justice League simply because he was so young. But that makes sense and helps put more of the timeline together.

Fitting in and looking cute just one month later.

Power Girl's thoughts are mainly on getting back to save Earth 2 from Darkseid since they have no idea if the battle was won or not. Huntress just seems to be done with Earth 2. Her father is dead so what does she have to go back to? And she also knows her limits as Robin.

Huntress may be clever and trained by the best, but stealing from Batman? Oh yeah. He knows all about her already.

Power Girl used her portion of the money to invest and gather up as much tech as possible. She used her powers secretly (like when she helped Michael Holt break that pipe in that comic where I made fun of her being able to help break a pipe and then later realized she was Power Girl! See? Effective!) and to her benefit and made a name for herself in the business and technology world. The Huntress spent her money on Bat Stuff and turned herself into an urban legend. Power Girl is in the spotlight as Karen Starr but keeps her powers secret. Helena keeps herself secret but puts Huntress out there. One in the light and one in the dark.

Power Girl digs out a costume to show Huntress that she's ready for the super heroing world of Earth 1 just in time to hear another explosion within the lab. The culprit is still there! What an idiot! And he's nobody I recognize!

It is appropriate that he mentions touching Power Girl since they were just discussing dating and chaperones (Kal El and Bruce Wayne! Yeesh!).

Worlds' Finest #1 Rating: Well shit. I think I have to debut this comic at #5 on the Top 52. It's terrific fun and everything I expect out of a comic book. I loved the dialogue between these two throughout the entire comic. I really like how their differences are played up nicely (just look at that last page of the comic and their two half-faces. That's the comic right there). I was expecting Huntress to be a bit grimmer to Power Girl's chirpy optimism but I think the comic plays it just right. She's more of a realist doing what needs to be done. And she was raised by Batman, so she's not letting her pursuit of justice go. And their friendship really shines. That might be the best part of this. Two friends kicking ass together because they're all they have in this new world.

Earth 2 #1

Hey! Didn't I buy this comic already?

I was about to read Worlds' Finest first. I had the Tumblr Text Post window open with all the search tags ready to go. I scanned the cover. I opened to the first page and thought, "Hey! I bet I should read Earth 2 first!" And then I flipped through Earth 2 quickly, saw Supergirl and Robin of Earth 2 and realized, yep, Earth 2 first. So now that I said all of that stuff that didn't actually need to be said, let's read Earth 2!

So. Earth 2. Ostensibly the first comic of the New 52 to take place on one of the other 51 Earths. Definitely the first ongoing series to take a look at one of the variant dimensions. The DCU has a long history with stories taking place primarily on Earth 1 and Earth 2 because of their crazy need for continuity. With the advent of Crisis on Infinite Earths in 1985, Earth 2 ceased to exist. Unless it was Earth 1 that ceased to exist. Unless they were merged. Whatever happened (this was a long time ago, dammit!), it generally seemed to cause more problems than it solved. Some of those problems were the children of the Justice Society, Infinity Inc (Power Girl being one of them). It looks like some of that will played up here with The Huntress and Power Girl being on Earth One (by some means which should be revealed in this comic) while the doppelgangers of everyone else will lead their parallel lives on Earth 2.

Also something about the Golden Age and Silver Age. Blah blah blah. Any history I try to tell will be so incorrect that I should just stop at this point and tell you about this thing called the Internet. Lots of information can be found on it. Or in it? Some of that information will be wrong (like mine!). Tread carefully!

I'm not sure who the narrator is yet. Perhaps Alan Scott since the boxes are green? Perhaps an actual omniscient narrator? Perhaps Clark Kent writing an article for the Daily Planet 2?

Earth 2 begins with a little history for the reader. Looks like one of the big differences between the two Earths is that the Parademon attack which The Justice League of Earth One fended off was a bit more successful on Earth 2. Probably because Earth 2 didn't have Cyborg. So the Parademons enslaved a number of countries but Darkseid and his army couldn't quite take over Earth 2 completely. The war raged on for many years with neither side gaining any ground. Until now because now that the reader is here is all that matters.

Turns out this last fight happened five years ago, so about the same time the Justice League of Earth One repelled the invaders. But this battle has been going on much longer than that one. Metropolis is overrun, lost. Lois has been killed somehow. Paradise Island and all of the Amazons are dead. Wonder Woman is the last of them. And the narrator explains that this victory over the parademons of Apokolips was the last time these three heroes fought together. Since Earth 2 would probably be overshadowed by these three big heroes, my guess is they give their lives for this victory. A DC Earth without the big three would make for a more interesting set of stories, I think.

The Huntress in her Earth 2 Robin persona.

Huntress is watching Batman's back and keeping him safe as he infiltrates one of the Parademon creation towers. I'll let Batman explain his plan to end the invasion.

See? Viruses and worms can be used for good!

It's one of those plans. I hope Batman is genius enough to create a destructive virus that can bypass Apokolypsian Anti-virus software because this is their "one chance" to defeat the parademon hordes. I'm not even sure if Darkseid has shown his face on Earth 2 since Steppenwolf has been the general leading the Parademon Army. He's such an amazing warrior that he and his army cannot be defeated in battle.

See? Plus he's wielding Black Razor. The only way to defeat him is to trick him into stabbing Deadman or Andrew Bennett!

Superman is killed immediately after this but in such a boring way that I won't bother scanning it. The parademons stick some kind of Octopus/Squid/Brainiac AI type thing on his head which causes him to explode. Or short circuit.

But they, along with The Huntress/Robin, have purchased enough time for Batman to get inside the tower. He's about to upload the virus when he tells Helena (The Huntress) to get away from the tower because it'll blow as soon as he contaminates its programming. It's a part of the plan he didn't exactly tell his daughter beforehand.

Batman must be fairly confident in his virus if he's allowing himself to be killed before seeing Earth completely safe.

Once the tower is destroyed, the other towers quickly fall victim to the virus as well. The parademons fall from the sky. The war is over. But just as the war ends, a giant wormhole opens in the sky over Metropolis with a lone figure emerging from it. Supergirl/Power Girl and Robin/Huntress fly through the wormhole and over to Earth 1. I think they do it because it opens up right in front of them and they just can't help but go through it. And I'm pretty sure this wormhole was caused by Mister Terrific coming over from Earth 1.

The narrator is Alan Scott. He's the president of Galaxy Broadcasting Company (or some other GBC) and he's the voice-over for a documentary commemorating that day and the end of the war. In his documentary, he said that Earth lost its heroes that day. But if Mister Terrific did come through, they've got that going for them! And I imagine Alan Scott is Green Lantern by this time, five years in the future. And I'm sure Jay Garrick will appear as The Flash. I'm not sure what other Justice Society heroes will end up playing a big part in Earth Two. Hourman? The Sandman? Hawkman and Hawkgirl? Starman? Was he one?!

Remember when the Justice Society was trapped in a bottle fighting to keep Ragnarok at bay?!

The backup story is about Jay Garrick. Surprise! He's just finishing college and breaking up with his college girlfriend. So he's got some time to kill! What a perfect time to become a super hero! Nothing holding you back! The whole world at your fingertips! That stupid bitch cow off on the west coast, fucking cunt! I mean, time to grow up, Jay! Grab the world by the teats!

Or you could just go pout on a hill in the dark overlooking the city. Whatevs.

While Jay is pouting and wondering what he's going to do with his life (you know, the typical thing you do when you graduate college. No. SRSLY), a meteor crashes to the Earth 2 behind him. He runs over to check it out and finds the God Mercury lying there dying. He offers his power to Jay Garrick because the world needs a hero.

Mercury visited Wonder Woman during the fight in Metropolis but I just glossed over that part until now. He told her that the Gods were fighting to protect the world but were all dying and he would be dead soon as well. I don't know who or what they were fighting, possibly Darkseid and his New Gods. But now Mercury has finally fallen and he's going to give his cute little hard hat with the wings on it to Jay Garrick next issue.

Now, I called him Mercury because Wonder Woman called him Mercury. But that's just weird. She should be calling him Hermes. Unless there is some different history with Earth 2's Paradise Island, the Amazons should be calling the Gods by their Greek names. I know, I know! I've been calling Eros by the name Cupid over in my Wonder Woman commentaries, so I've been breaking that rule as well. But come on! He's the guy who shoots arrows (bullets!) into people to make them fall in love. I can't help calling him cupid!

Earth 2 #1 Rating: There's an empty slot at #28 that I'll place Earth 2 within. I like the comic and I like the idea that DC is already mucking up their universe with alternate dimensional storylines. But slot #28 is near enough to the normal Justice League title which I'm really starting to like a lot. And this one feels like it'll be on par with that title. So #28 it is. It'll have to do some work on its own to climb the ranks and I have a feeling James Robinson will more than deliver.