Twat Lobo Annual #1

Lobo's logo matches him perfectly. It's boring with just a bunch of fiddly bits tacked onto it so it feels extreme.

The annual begins with Twat Lobo shooting a candidate for the Yellow Lanterns in the head. Why the fuck would the ring choose such a shitty candidate? Sinestro should be glad Twat Lobo took out this potential recruit before he wasted any of the Sinestro Corps' time. After the ring refuses to recruit a corpse because it isn't recruiting for the Black Lanterns, it moves on to find another candidate by spouting some "Replacement sentient initiated" nonsense. Maybe the ring instantaneously hazes the next recruit before moving on to find him or her or it. Or maybe Yellow Rings use a different kind of grammar than the rest of us.

I hope nobody argues with the "us" part of that last statement!

Twat Lobo captures the ring and throws it in his Yellow Ring Aquarium. Czarnia must have had sharks too because Twat Lobo compares collecting the Yellow Rings to chumming the waters. So he's now the Captain Quint of space travel? I wonder if at some point in this comic book he's going to need a bigger space ship?! Or maybe he'll meet an old guy with a really bad hat!

Or he's just better at living his life without a single thought about Twat Lobo and what he's up to.

Twat Lobo heads off to the remains of a pleasure planet to buy some information from a guy named Pascal Xantes. Twat Lobo explains all about the location in Narration Box after Narration Box. It helps the dumb people who like this comic book to understand what's going on.

Xantes has been giving Twat Lobo the information he's been using to locate the potential recruits for the Yellow Lanterns. That seems like a really difficult thing to predict no matter how many "equations" you run! How about just giving Twat Lobo Sinestro's location?! It seems like that information would be a hell of a lot easier to gain access to than guessing who the newest Yellow Lantern will be. I'm sure there's a reason Twat Lobo is doing this the hard way; it's just that he hasn't explained it to me in a Narration Box.

Egads. Just shut the fuck up and kill shit, you turd.

While Twat Lobo murders shit, he explains how everybody in space (which is everybody in the universe, amirite?!) is crazy and dangerous. He thinks it's because of the darkness, the "deep black" of space. I don't get it. Space isn't black! Space is light! Lights everywhere! Everywhere you look: lights, lights, and more lights! The only place that's dark is on a planet with a thick atmosphere and serious cloud cover! Or like, a cave! And a cave is the exact opposite of space. I think what he meant to say was everybody in space is a little crazy because of the loneliness. It's lonely in space! I mean, unless you're on some huge ark ship or something. Or, you know, on a planet with a bunch of other assholes that won't get out of your way when you walk down the sidewalk.

Twat Lobo "rescues" a Korugarian prisoner to trail behind his ship as he flies through space. Does he have some barrels to harpoon into the side of Sinestro when he attracts Sinestro's attention? That attention, by the way, is attracted rather quickly.

Here it is! Here it is! Twat Lobo's going to need a bigger space ship!

The Sinestro Corps rip Twat Lobo apart. But only because he lets them! If he didn't want to lose the fight, he wouldn't have lost the fight, especially since it was only against a bunch of Sinestro's lackeys. No, he loses on purpose because Sinestro isn't among them. So he has to play dead and follow them back to New Korugar. That's not me summarizing the comic book. That's me guessing at why Arkillo was able to tear Twat Lobo apart so easily.

The best part about Twat Lobo playing dead? He decides to stop his incessant Narration Boxing to make the readers think he's dead too! Why else would he stop Narration Boxing while pretending to be dead? The Yellow Lanterns can't hear it!

Too bad he only fakes it for two pages and then it's right back to shoving nine more Narration Boxes onto the page as he explains what I already explained before reading his explanation. Also, his ship regenerates too! Whew! I was worried that he was going to have to swim to New Korugar. Can you swim in space?

The Sinestro Corps don't think you're a ghost! The Sinestro Corps aren't thinking about you at all!

As Twat Lobo disembarks to find Sinestro and murder him, he mentions how if he's noticed, he'll "frag everyone on the planet." See? Twat Lobo is actually Real Deal Lobo! It's just an earlier version of him before he became a thicker, hairier, middle-aged bastich! When Twat Lobo murdered Real Deal Lobo, he really just killed his future self. That'll be a neat story when Cullen Bunn finally doesn't write it.

Sinestro sniffs out Twat Lobo almost immediately so that the great big battle every fan has been waiting for can begin! Except this fan. I wasn't waiting for it. Unless Sinestro destroys Twat Lobo and ends Twat Lobo's monthly comic book. I wouldn't mind that happening. Go Sinestro! Eat Twat Lobo's face!

Instead of getting an exciting battle, the readers get Twat Lobo explaining what Sinestro is thinking, how he's acting, and how Twat Lobo is using it all to his own advantage. None of that plays out in the visuals, of course! In the visuals, Twat Lobo just shoots a gun at Sinestro and jumps at him with a sword. I'm glad Twat Lobo explained that there was more going on than I realized. Now it's really exciting!

After Twat Lobo beats on Sinestro awhile, Sinestro ends the fight by paying off Twat Lobo's contract which Sinestro put out on himself to test Twat Lobo. Now Twat Lobo gets to be Sinestro's Whip as well as the Void Whisper's Whip. Twat Lobo is so whipped.

Twat Lobo Annual #1 Rating: 170 Narration Boxes versus 166 Panels. So just a slight bit more telling than showing. I prefer my comic books to be not this.