Action Comics #48

Just give him his fucking powers back instead of sticking him in an idiotic space suit some pulp hero from the 50's would have worn.

My band has landed their second gig tonight! Technically the first gig was cancelled and this gig is just the rescheduling of the first gig. Technically technically, the second gig is just a party that every member of the band has been invited to. Also I don't have a band. It was just a dream I had.

I do intend to mostly stay away from these long form commentaries but occasionally a comic book will start off so poorly that I either write about it or scream at the walls incoherently as I turn the pages super aggressively and curse every god that other people believe in for the existence of Greg Pak.

I admit I'm probably letting my temper get the best of me and that the beginning of the comic can easily be explained by somebody who doesn't want any excuse at all to rail against the state of writing in mainstream comic books today. Like I suppose that enough time has passed for the Justice League to have journey off to the edge of the solar system in their ship with a Faster Than Light drive, discover the anomaly (anomoly! Remember how it was spelled that way in the annual?!), and chase it back to Earth where it crashes into the Watchtower as they dock with the Watchtower at the same time. Or something. It doesn't really matter, I suppose. The only thing that matters is that the entire Justice League have now been rendered helpless by some Supremacists whose weapons can apparently drain any type of super power from any hero. It drains Superman's solar power which is a product of his physiology. It drains The Flash's power which is a product of the Speed Force. It drains Power Ring's power which is a product of alien and alternate dimensional technology. It drains Aquaman's powers which are just his natural abilities. It drains Cyborg's powers which are the product of the Technosapiens or Apokolips or wherever the fuck they're currently from. It drains Lex Luthor's powers which is probably the most understandable since he's just in a suit probably powered by kryptonite. They don't drain Wonder Woman's powers though because she's a god and that would be ridiculous if they could drain a god's powers! Sheesh!

Oh, but they do have a neck brace which nullifies the powers of Greek and Roman gods.

Vandal reveals himself to Superman and explains that he's now got the powers of all of the Justice League. Superman decides to enter reporter mode and get some answers! So he asks Vandal, "What the hell are you planning?" Oh! I hope that works! Maybe Vandal will even explain to Superman how he can be stopped while he's going over all of the details of his plan!

Oh, I just noticed that Vandal also has Hal Jordan captured. I guess that makes sense since Hal finally came back to Earth to battle Sonar. No it doesn't. I'm just trying my best here.

Anyway, Vandal refuses to reveal his plan to Clark. Good try, Kent! Now threaten him a bit and then go get Steel's experimental super suit and go be Superman even without powers! Show everybody that it isn't your powers that make you Superman! It's your gumption! It's your homespun charm! It's your never give up until the cows are back in the barn attitude! It's your playing doctor with a close cousin at a young age determination! Vandal Savage can't win because he didn't grow up on a farm with loving parents! But guess who did?!

"I'm not going to tell you my plan! But I'll hint around enough so that you understand it! I want you to see how I'm better than you! An evil jerk is better than Superman! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

Vandal Savage begins bombing Metropolis because it's always nice to watch Superman fail to save people. Clark just has to bend over to pick up his glasses and put them back on so he can see all of the people dying that he can't save. Wrath is out of her box which seems unlikely seeing as how she failed Vandal and now she's criticizing his choices. Put her back in her stupid box! The only kid worth a damn is the fake robot one, Hordr_root!

After bombing Metropolis, he explodes a bunch of angry shadow bombs over the city. Because Wrath's plan was apparently Vandal's main plan. Make everybody into angry shadow monsters because profit!

A little help? He needs to be saved just like everybody else!

Yay! A team that can actually get a job done! At least right up until they also get their powers stolen by Supremacist weapons. Doesn't it seem like an awful lot of DC's comic book conflict stems from super heroes somehow losing their powers? Or their powers being ineffective against an enemy? Why can't any writers imagine more creative ways to challenge the heroes?

A plane crashes or something. I think it's the origin story of the first Black Mass Superhero. Maybe. I don't know. It's just interrupting the story! Although maybe it'll be a better story than the main story? Maybe I shouldn't complain too much.

Superman convinces Steel and Lana to let him use the super suit they've been working on that will kill a normal human wearing it in about fifteen minutes. So Superman will be dead in a few hours. I'm not sure why they're putting a death trap on Clark Kent and sending him out to stop Vandal Savage. Shouldn't the Justice League United call in Martian Manhunter? Or just, you know, got up against Savage without Superman? Or is the big twist ending going to be that the only person that can ultimately defeat Savage is one that doesn't have super powers! And Batman is currently indisposed.

Justice League United guest starring The Atom and Superman infiltrate the Carrier and begin their attack on Savage's henchmen. But it's Superman who has to save the day! The guy without powers who is also dying. He's the guy everybody is counting on! Christ. At this point, I'm more apt to bet on Green Arrow saving the day.

I fucking told you to keep her in the box! Idiot!

And now, even though it made no sense, we see why Wrath was allowed out of the box Vandal had stuffed her in after she failed. Because she had to play the Darth Vader to Vandal Savage's Emperor Palpatine. Unless that's spelled differently. It doesn't really matter though. Wrath is out of the box. The Justice League are back from their journey through the solar system. Justice League United are called in to be assistants to a useless ex-reporter. The Justice League have all had their powers stolen because that's a thing any old technologically advanced weapon can do. I think there must be a mathematical formula that exists to justify plot holes in comic books. Something like the amount of punches added to the number of Boob/Butt Showcases divided by the number of explanatory Narration Boxes equals number of plot holes the audience will forgive.

Wrath causes an explosion or something but Hordr_root appears or something and Wonder Woman and Superman appear outside the Carrier or something and the Justice League United are incapacitated immediately or something. Oh! I realize what happened! There were only a few pages left in the comic book so all of the heroes had to be put down before it ended. Now Vandal has all of the Justice League and all of Justice League United powering his Doomsday Weapon while Superman and Wonder Woman have died because they crashed to Earth after falling out of orbit. Well, maybe Wonder Woman survived. But Superman in just an advanced version of a Metallo suit crashing to Earth? No. He's definitely dead.

Action Comics #48 Rating: -2 Ranking. Greg Pak and Aaron Kuder's control over this story is analogous to a kitten's control over its body when it's suddenly attacked by a piece of string. Although it's far less entertaining. What I'm saying is I should have spent my $3.99 on adopting a kitten and a piece of string.

Justice League United #16

Goodbye, best Justice League of The New 52!

I hope this is the last issue! Not because I want it to be the last issue but because I already said goodbye to it in the caption up there. I'm actually angry that this Justice League is being cancelled and the regular Justice League is still somehow everybody's favorite Justice League. Everybody thinks Geoff Johns squirts gold-plated sperms. His stories succeed simply because he has complete control over the DC Youniverse! He can do any ridiculous thing he wants to any character and he doesn't have a shit editor breathing down his neck telling him he can't do it. He's basically allowed to write an Elseworlds tale every time he sits down to think up a new Justice League story. But his Elseworlds story changes the fabric of the entire DC Youniverse which everybody else now has to keep in mind while they write their stories. I'd be the best writer at DC too if I could do anything I wanted! Batman would suddenly have a shit fetish, paying Catwoman thousands of dollars to squat over his naked chest. Green Lantern would make it his goal to bang an alien on every planet he visits. The Flash would murder all of the writers and editors who ignored the no time travel directive and screwed up The New 52 almost as soon as it began. Wonder Woman would end poverty, feed the hungry, overthrow every violent dictator, and hug the world. Superman would realize he's the biggest threat to the safety of Earth because he's constantly being mind-controlled and magically manipulated and turned dark by evil energy and he'd put a kryptonite bullet in his brain. Then the hypocrites all around the world would mourn his death and cry about how the greatest hero ever was dead! Although a lot of irritating shits would remind everybody how problematic he was and that everybody claiming he was a hero is totally gross and disgusting.

But enough about that crappy Justice League! It's time to see off the Justice League that is actually saving the world.

Look how cute Alanna is with her teacher who really shouldn't have started a sexual relationship with her.

This story is the story of the first Breaker Justice League United had to deal with. Which means it's probably also the story in which Adam Strange becomes part of the Zeta Beam. It's also a story called "House of Secrets" which will really please me if the House of Secrets is actually in it.

The Breaker has landed in Western Connecticut and set up a dome around the town. People can get into the dome but then can't leave. So Justice League United becomes trapped immediately. Only Adam Strange is outside of the dome and he flies off to help keep people out and to figure out how to rescue everybody.

To be fair, Adam, I think they were less concerned with space opera drama than sexual harassment lawsuits and abuses of power.

Justice League United begins to ask questions to the strange looking Travel Foremanesque locals because they don't know what a Breaker looks like. A kid on a bike helps them out by pointing to an old house that wasn't in town that morning: the House of Secrets! I hope Rain still lives there! Maybe Stargirl will become the judge for the Juris!

Yay! Maybe not better than Rain but just as good: Abel is back!

Equinox walks into a room where she sees the creation of the Wendigo (or whatever the creature is that haunts her people. I forget!). Stargirl witnesses Boston Brand's death. Animal Man sees the Kents' stealing a baby out of a rocket ship. Alanna decides Abel is the breaker and kills him. Too bad he's used to being murdered. He gets back up, dusts himself off, and explains to the Justice League United that they are in a house of secrets. He's actually pretty reasonable about it for having just had his arm blown off by a grad student.

While the others explore the House of Secrets, Adam learns that if Alanna uses her zeta beam technology while in the Breaker, she'll wind up a permanent part of the zeta beam. I guess learning that information won't stop Adam from doing it.

Why are heroes always so quick to throw their lives away? Just ask Abel nicely! I'm sure he'll help if everybody just starts respecting him as their host!

Adam zeta beams out causing the House of Secrets to collapse because it really was the Breaker. I guess Abel hasn't actually made a real appearance then. Although Jeff Parker gets away with introducing a character into the DC You that editorial definitely didn't want existing in the new DC:

Detective Chimp is canon! And not just Channel 52 canon! Real canon!

After Alanna tells the story of the first Breaker, she explains to the others what she saw in the House of Secrets. She saw that her father was Sardath of Rann. And now she thinks she knows how to force Sardath into saving Adam from the zeta beam and ending Justice League United with a clean slate. Which is what happens and everybody lives happily ever after until Justice League United is resurrected with an awful writer and then they'll all be super sad.

Justice League United #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. Jeff Parker saved this book but I guess it was too late. I've also got to say that I was always ambivalent about Travel Foreman's art but he's won me over on this book. His style is all over the place and I love it. He may be the only artist in comics who can draw average sized boobs. And they look great! I'm going to miss this book because Jeff Parker understands how to write a comic book. A good mix of fun and adventure and character interactions and good old super hero nonsense.

Justice League United #15

This cover isn't toning down my Medusa lust.

At the end of the last issue, OMAC appeared. OMAC used to be the One Man Army Corps but that wasn't modern or stupid enough so DC Comics changed it to the One Machine Attack Construct. Calling some super powered person a One Man Army Corps was probably offensive to soldiers in the army. Most soldiers in the army are probably offended by things like burning the American flag or people who thank them for fighting for freedom when they're expressly fighting for oil. But some soldiers in the army are nerds (because nerds are everywhere) and they were all, "Jack Kirby is a douche! He thinks what we do can be done by one simple minded stockboy with a computer?! One Man Army Corps, my ass! More like One Major...um...Asshole Clown!"

I put the "um" in there to show that most people in the army aren't great at thinking on their feet. I'm not entirely sure that's a fact but it seems to me that somebody wanting to live a regimented and structured life where they feel most comfortable being told what to do might be evidence of my bias. Except for anybody in the army reading this right now! You should probably ask for a promotion to Sergeant General!

This issue begins with an awful lot of phallus talk!

Von Hammer? Cosmic Rod? I'm starting to see the gay appeal of war comics!

OMAC, being Dan DiDio's favorite character to masturbate on, somehow doesn't defeat everybody else. That's probably because Jeff Parker is writing this comic book and now Super Jack Kirby Fan Dan "I Call My Penis 'OMAC: Overly Masculine Angry Cock'" DiDio. Instead, OMAC is punched in the face at the same time by Robotman and Steel. OMAC slumps to the ground defeated and I'm left thinking, "Why did Robotman say 'Finally!' when they defeated OMAC? OMAC has only been in this comic book series for five panels! Do most of Robtoman's battles last only one or two?! Why isn't Robotman the greatest hero in the DC Youniverse?!" The Doom Patrol should really have their own series by this point in The New 52. And even though I know Geoff Johns probably has dibs on that series, I think Jeff Parker would be a good fit to write it. He might not be Shakespeare when Shakespeare is really pounding out the highfalutin philosophical mumbo-jumbo that everybody likes to quote to look smart but he's definitely on par with Shakespeare when he's writing penis and fart jokes.

Batgirl and Vandal Savage arrive on the battlefield just as the Creature Commandos begin to regroup and Medusa hopefully pulls her shirt down lower to expose more cleavage. How come nobody has yet invented a bikini that shows vagina cleavage? That's a billion dollar idea right here!

Also arriving in time for the chaos: Sgt. Rock and Easy Company! I'm sure the Unknown Soldier is around somewhere as well. And of course Stargirl with Baron Von Hammer are directly above everybody in the sky. Not to mention all of the random troops full of regular people from every war that ever encroached on Arracourt, France. I think some Rocket Reds might be in the battle as well!

The Red Baron's plane gets shot out of the sky by Sgt. Rock and I feel a little strange reading a story where Stargirl is falling out of the sky in a crashing plane. Steel saves her life by throwing the rod at her and she flies to safety clutching her cosmic rod and Baron Von Hammer. Other sexy things that happen before a truce is called: Vandal commits perfidy, Medusa stands in a normal pose, and Robotman throws himself on a grenade thrown by the Unknown Soldier.

Working together, the new team of Justice League United and every war character ever created by DC Comics except for The Unknown Soldier storm the Breaker. Sgt. Rock knows where all of the enemies will be attacking because he's stormed the Breaker every single day that he's been trapped in the time anomaly. But now he has a small army at his back instead of the usual losers of Easy Company and they make it to the enemy in just a few minutes.

I knew it! Constant worship of the Unknown Soldier and a populace's need to append meaning to the death of every soldier is what keeps war going!

Once the Unknown Soldier is killed, everybody returns to their proper times. Although I don't know where OMAC and the Creature Commandos wind up since their books were cancelled a long time ago. I guess wherever they are, Justice League United will be meeting up with them soon.

Justice League United #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Did I just read an anti-war comic book? Fucking communists! How dare you put messages of peace and love hidden inside exciting stories about war?! If you want to make money exploiting war, that's cool. But you should put a warning on the cover if you're going to slip in some namby pamby hippie bullshit message like "war is bad." That's practically like stealing my money! How bad can war be when it's America's go-to solution to solve any problem? The war doesn't even have to be concerned with the solution to the problem either! It's just good to have a war, I guess. Freedom or some such. Because none of us would be free at all if we weren't off in other countries killing people. Thank God we have so many heroic men and women willing to throw their lives away for probably good reasons full of meaning which accomplishment important things. Anyway, I've got my eye on you, Jeff Parker! You won't fool me into buying your socialist rag again! Next time, I'm going to read the end of the story to make sure you put the proper, positive spin on war when the story wraps up. "No more war," my huge manly erection!

Justice League United #14

Is this a Jem and the Holograms tie-in?

I found a blog recently that is horrible. It's not trying to be horrible. But it is horrible anyway. Also it is not this blog, smart monkey. I do not want to say what blog it is because I only speak poorly of entertainers who charge me money for their product and, instead of entertaining me, pee all over my open mouth as I forget to shut it and then continue to pay for the service every month thereafter. Most of the time, I'm talking about metaphorical pee. But if anybody wants to try to guess what blog I mean, I will tell you if you get it right. It shouldn't be too hard to guess. How many blogs can there be on the internet? Like two dozen?

It really is terrible though. But that won't keep me from reading through every entry! Nothing makes you feel more alive and quite a bit more superior than the next chap than reading really terrible writing based on a fairly boring idea. Although I don't think the concept seems dumb to pop culture nerds. They probably think the site is smart and entertaining. But it's not!

Man! You really should check out this horrible blog! Generally, I'd shut up about it because I'm refusing to mention the URL. Everybody is probably thinking, "Why don't you shut up about it?!" Eventually I will, I suppose. Kant once said, "All false art, all vain wisdom, lasts its time but finally destroys itself, and its highest culture is also the epoch of its decay." What does that mean? I don't know! Sometimes I forget what I was trying to say. Does that ever happen to you? Oh! Maybe I should get to the comic book now?

The best part of Justice League United is the scene between Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. Mostly it's the best part because I like Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. It's also the best part because Batgirl beats the crap out of Easy Company to help Vandal Savage escape! Doesn't she know she's supposed to be supporting the Americans?! Barbara Gordon is a communist!

And Stargirl takes succor from the enemy! Unless succor means something inappropriate and nasty.

Oh wait! I made a huge mistake! The best part of the comic book wasn't the part with Stupid Rock and Randall Scabbage at all! It's the part where the Creature Commandos appear with GI Zombie and GI Robot! They attack Cliff Steele and Steel for some reason. You'd think GI Robot would be all, "Beep beep beep! I'm feeling really uncomfortable with your actions, guys. Beep beep beep!"

Medusa makes me feel dizzy in my pants.

I'm telling you right now don't comment on this Critical Review with the obvious Medusa/Pants joke. I will not have my blog sullied by mediocrity! If you want mediocrity, figure out that other blog I mentioned earlier!

I could easily close out this Critical Review (maybe I should change the name of my blog to Grunion Guy's Critical Comic Book Reviews? That would probably garner fewer questions about the blog's name. Also it would clearly state the intention of this blog! If only I'd had an agent before setting foot in the world of high stakes comic book review sites) with picture after picture of Medusa and her Medusa Bosom and her Medusa Crotch and her Medusa Belly. I would look at that Critical Review and think, "That's a really satisfying look at Justice League United #14!" Then my penis would make a funny sound effect.

I think this is a lesson in not raping because the Germans probably would have won the war with Vandal Savage on their side and he only switched sides because of Commandant Rapist. It's always good to learn another reason why you shouldn't rape!

While Vandal and Batgirl try to contact the rest of the Justice League United, the Unknown Soldier creeps up and begins spying on them in the hopes that they're young lovers on a picnic about to have some pound cake with wine. They don't have any pound cake at all. Instead they're attacked by Germans. One German says, "Ahk!" That means "Oh shit! I got a Batarang in my eye!" in English. The other German says, "Sterben, Fledermaus Frau!" That means, "Surrender, flying mouse girl!" But then that guy steps on a landmine and Flying Mouse Girl doesn't have to surrender at all. But it does cause Vandal to laugh and say, "Krieg ist die Hölle, mien Freund." That means "Watch your step, my friend." The Unknown Soldier never comes out of hiding because he wants to remain anonymous.

A-ha! Maybe this is the sexy picnic the Unknown Soldier was searching for!

Back at the battle of the Creature Commandos, I can't even scan the shoulder mounted mortar gun that Frankenstein uses without embarrassing any ladies reading this. Medusa shows some more of her bosom as she tries to turn Cliff Steele to stone. But that doesn't work because he's a robot and his brain might even just be a reel of tape at this point. It's hard to tell how many bottoms New 52 Cliff Steele has hit up until this point. The Creature Commandos are no match for Steel and Robotman because they're not the heroes of this comic book (which is too bad). But their next opponent isn't going to be as easy to defeat!

Oh man! Another cock!

Justice League United #14 Rating: No change. It's a cavalcade of trademarks this issue! Most of DC's war comics over the last four years have been terrible so why not throw them all into one big chaotic story? It's really working! Plus this story has the original Sergeant Rock instead of that loser grandson of his DC tried to pawn off on its readers in Men of War. That was awful! As was GI Combat! And Star Spangled War Stories! Hopefully the next issue will reintroduce the Haunted Tank and the Nazi War Wheel!

Justice League United #13

Yay! The Creature Commandos are back! Unless I meant "Yay! Cliff Steele is back!"

I'm always the last to know about these kinds of things but I'll act like a reporter breaking news right now and mention that Justice League United is the best Justice League book on the shelves right now. I hope it runs forever!

This issue begins in Arracourt, France in 1940 during the Korean War on Drugs. The good version of Sgt. Rock is sending Easy Company into certain danger as he splits up with them. The bad version of Sgt. Rock isn't in this comic book because 2011's Men At War was cancelled early on during The New 52 because it was terrible. Really awful. I'd say it was worse than Grifter at the time to underscore my point but I try to avoid hyperbole and lying directly to my audience, especially when the lie is as obvious as saying any comic book at all was worse than Grifter.

As Sgt. Rock goes door to door telling the French to hide their pot, he runs into Vandal Savage and my body becomes a gigantic goose pimple. Gross. The comic book isn't gross though! This may have been the best beginning to any New 52 DC You comic book I've ever read! And Robotman and the Creature Commandos have yet to appear! I feel sorry for anybody not reading this comic book. You'll be sorry when the series reaches issue #100 and every single back issue is worth a little over cover price. Boom! Investments, baby!

Are we shipping these two now? Ravage? Sgandal? Easy Company?

The next scene takes place in the present where Vandal Savage is being kidnapped by Animal Man and Alanna Strange. He's needed to save the world! I hope he doesn't meet up with Sgt. Rock's corpse or there could be trouble. And blow jobs.

Also kidnapped to work for the Justice League United are Batgirl, Cliff Steele, and John Henry Irons (also a Steel). They're somewhere in Zeta Space or something. Wherever they are, they're not on Earth because Cliff's GPS doesn't work and according to knowing things, GPS doesn't work everywhere in the universe. It isn't some magical talisman that communes with the stars to reveal a person's location in space, time, and alternate realities, Cliff. Stop being so ignorant! Now everybody is going to know that the "Robot" part of your name isn't very accurate because robots wouldn't go about saying stupid things. Unless they were programmed to sound not very smart to maintain the illusion that they have the brain of an actual man inside of them. That's just the kind of thing Niles Caulder would program into a robot he constructed to make it think it was the brain of a not very good racer!

The new team finds out the location of the current Breaker that must be broken before it destroys all time and space: Arracourt, France! DUH DUH DUN! "But that's where Vandal Savage and Sgt. Rock were last seen flirting," you gasp because you're probably like me and that's what I gasped. "That means Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage are going to be reunited once more like a scene from a mid-90s rom-com!" you sputter as you pull your dick out of your pants. Or you pull whatever ladies have in their pants out if you're a lady. Is it a crotch boobie? No, no! Don't tell me! I want to be surprised someday.

Stargirl joins Steel, Vandal, Batgirl, and Steele as they rush in to the time vortex that has descended on Arracourt. That means they'll get to encounter all of DC's legendary World War I, World War II, and Korean War on Drugs characters! My brain has a total boner!

The main problem with Justice League United's missions, as pointed out by Jason Blood last issue, is that they always come with a cost. That cost is probably the death or traumatic near death of one of their members. Last time it was Swamp Thing. Luckily Poison Ivy took him back to her lab to Florence Vaginagale him back to health. This time, Cliff Steele will probably be destroyed because he's always destroyed. Every time. It's kind of his, and Red Tornado's, thing.

Cliff's so used to it that he's actively trying to be destroyed.

Stargirl is kidnapped by the Red Baron as she tries to survey the battlefield from the air. Serves her right! Maybe she'll remember this the next time Justice League United needs somebody to work for them and she'll think about passing them a note instead.

Steel flies off with Robotman on his back to try to help Stargirl. That leaves Batgirl to fend for herself once Vandal Savage slips off on his date with Sgt. Rock.

I guess Batgirl will join forces with the Creature Commandos next issue. Stupid lying cover.

Justice League United #13 Rating: +3 Ranking. Justice League United should be rebranded as Strange Adventures or Mystery in Space because it feels more like one of those series than a Justice League book. But since it has "Justice League" in the title, I should probably compare it to the other Justice League books: it's much better! But it doesn't have Batman in it so all of the worst DC Comics fans probably aren't reading it. Plus it had that initial story about the Legion of Super-heroes coming back in time to make sure their timeline continued to exist which is always the worst kind of time travel story. The past already happened correctly, douches! Stop going back into the past of alternate timelines and ruining their futures! So that nonsense has probably kept a lot of people from returning to this title since it mysteriously reappeared on the shelves a full month after the two months full of Convergence crap. Did anybody even remember it hadn't been cancelled?! I hope it never gets cancelled!

Justice League United #12

This is an odd cover.

The actual cover (underneath the weirdly textured blank cover that I guess I'm supposed to doodle on) is Poison Ivy piddling into Swamp Thing's skull. Her piddle is probably full of nutrients and/or mind-altering substances which will help Swamp Thing overpower the bad guy. Or Swamp Thing is just into people peeing on him. It's not weird if you're a plant. Or you're in the shower. Or you have those special sheets on your bed which your stupid friends never stopped making fun of you for having because you forgot to hide them in the closet that one time they came over after school to watch Robotech with you.

The issue begins with Justice League United and its guests running for their lives as the Red Goo Island they're on in the middle of Lake Erie begins to try to eat them. The comic book begins with these words: "A super-gross living island in the middle of Lake Erie." Which is what I just said so I probably should rework this entire paragraph. Or just start over.

Do young people today even know that "gross" means anything other than a person they hate for righteous reasons which allow the young person to be a complete asshole to, and possibly ruin the life of (if they're able) the "gross" person? I think it's "super-gross" that Jeff Parker would describe the island as "super-gross" just because it looks like a vagina.

What's so gross about it? It even still has all of its teeth!

Now I want business cards that proclaim I'm a Vaginal Dentist.

Poison Ivy, a scientist, theorizes that the island can feel the heroes running about it, as if they were mites, and so the island is generating antibodies to destroy the mites. Great theory, Jenny McCarthy! I mean, unless that's really something bodies do! It's not like you learn about mites and antibodies in Vaginal Dental School. I probably shouldn't have called Poison Ivy "Jenny McCarthy" when I can't be sure of all of the facts. Maybe I'm the Jenny McCarthy in this situation!

I feel really uncomfortable picking up and reading this comic book with its beautifully blank white canvas cover. I'm sure I'm smearing chocolate and pizza grease and testicle particulates all over it.

Etrigan uses his Hellfire to blast the "antibodies" because what else is he going to use? Logic and reason?! They're just "antibodies"! And he's just a "demon"! Although I'm not sure it's actually Etrigan because he isn't attempting to rhyme. Maybe Jeff Parker misplaced his rhyming dictionary while writing the script for this issue.

Poison Ivy soon refers to the "antibodies" as "germs" so I'm just going to go back to calling her Jenny McCarthy, if that's okay with the rest of you.

No! Your flame "burns" them! Has anybody checked on Jeff Parker lately? Has he been complaining of numbness down one side of his body in a garbled voice because half of his face isn't working? Is one pupil dilated? Can somebody give him a call?

Mera destroys the antibodies or germs or protozoa or whatever because they're 99% water. That's all the explanation anybody needs for the end of that battle unless, for some perverse reason, you don't know anything about Mera. For those people, here's a quick introduction to Mera: she's a bad-ass motherfucker (in the metaphorical sense and not the literal sense because her ass is the opposite of bad and she doesn't fuck mothers); she has red hair; she has a great ass (which can't be mentioned enough); she can control water; she sees something special in Aquaman even though 99% of the world doesn't (maybe it's his water).

Once Mera encases everybody in a super protective thin membrane of water, she and the others take a moment to grill Equinox on Justice League United's terrible plan which very nearly got them all killed by vaccines. Or whatever. Don't they realize Swamp Thing being sucked into the heart of the goo is obviously part of the plan to destroy the goo? And Poison Ivy's uselessness will turn into usefulness once she needs to pee? I guess it's harder to guess the plan when you're a character who's not allowed to see the cover of their own comic book. I'm not talking about the cover with the beer on it.

While Equinox's team learns the ins and outs of the plan (mostly outs and mostly urine), Alanna and Stargirl are busy recruiting to defeat the next Breaker threatening to destroy the whole of creation. One of the new recruits is Steel which is like yawn and snore and almost wake up but no I was just rolling over to get more comfortable. But Stargirl is recruiting Cliff Steele, Robotman, who is currently working with the Doom Patrol which totally needs its own comic book! Cliff must be the person in the next team who will be torn apart and presumed dead which will lead the others to turn on the Justice League United representative (probably Animal Man) and say, "What the fuck kind of dog and boney show is this?!" Then Animal Man will say, "No, no. It's dog and pony." And Cliff will be all, "Who the fuck goes to see a show with dogs and ponies? At least I get the connection to dogs and bones!"

Etrigan is shitting all over his ex right now. And I'm with him! How many times have I said Madame Xanadu is the biggest barn owl in the DC Youniverse?! Too many to count, that's how many!

While Etrigan was agreeing with everything I've ever said about using prophecy as the plot for comic books and which I also mentioned last commentary as the only potential bad thing about Parker's new take on Justice League United, Poison Ivy "watered" the island.

Etrigan gives everybody a quick Latin lesson that is only barely quick enough to let everybody know the island is about to fly. Which it does immediately after Etrigan says the word "fly." Also, everybody else understood that was what was happening when Swamp Thing mentioned it was gathering methane like five minutes ago. But thanks for the fun lesson, Etrigan! I enjoyed it!

Now that the island is full of methane, the plan is for Etrigan to prove he's just a one-trick boney and spit hellfire into it. Mera will encase the team in another protective layer of water because if there's one thing that protects against violent explosions, it's a bubble.

I mean, it might really be a bubble! I'm Jenny McCarthy, remember? I majored in literature and most of that literature wasn't science text books. So I don't know for sure what causes an explosion but I can tell you about that time in Bleak House when the fat guy with the birds spontaneously combusted.

Actually, that's as much as I can tell you because I'm not good at remembering details. Although I think maybe the document that solved the court case of Person's Name versus Same Person's Name was being used to line the bird cage or something.

Crap. That describes me exactly! Tumblr was right! I am gross!

As Equinox and Etrigan prepare to Mythbuster the shit out of this island, Poison Ivy regains her senses after channeling Swamp Thing. Mera points out she was mumbling something about Batman's cock while she was out of it. That's probably the number one thing muttered about in the DC Youniverse when characters are semi-conscious.

Etrigan does a little bit of rhyming at the end because either he likes to make a huge statement or Jeff Parker found his rhyming dictionary. It probably got mixed into his goat porn.

The only problem with Adam Strange's mission plans is that they will always have a cost. This time it's Swamp Thing.

Next time it will be poor Cliff Steele. It's always Cliff Steele! He'll probably wind up being nothing more than memories on an MP3 by the time the next story is over.

Now that Mera knows what kind of price must be paid for engaging in a Justice League Untitled mission, she'll probably volunteer Aquaman for the next job.

Now that one Breaker has been defeated, it's time for the members of the next mission! We already have Steel and Cliff Steele, so who's next? Who else has "Steel" in their name? Commander Steel! Also Batgirl. In the scene with Batgirl, she calls Blockbuster a hipster and points out how he was "smashing this cafe before it was cool." So obviously, Batgirl is the real hipster! Nothing defines a hipster better than pointing out all of the other hipsters! Except when I'm pointing them out! "I'm definitely no hipster," I say while twirling my meticulously waxed mustache and feeling really uncomfortable in my new pants that I can't pull up past my ass crack although my Mr. Bubble t-shirt is super comfy! Now where did I put my fake glasses? Oh yeah! I left them in my swank messenger bag.

Justice League United #12 Rating: +3 Ranking. Jeff Parker has swooped in like a vampire descending upon a virgin and saved this book! I am not the virgin in that analogy and also that analogy is not very good because I don't think vampires are technically into saving virgins. I think they spend virgins as soon as they find them until they're completely in virgin debt up to their guy balls. I have nothing against Jeff Lemire except his initial run on Justice League Unfathomable which I saw as an affront to comic books and a personal assault on my way of life (which is a life where I don't have to read time travel stories about a person coming from the future to change the past to ensure that the future from which the person came from continues to exist in the future). I'm not angry at Jeff Lemire for that huge mistake, so I'll stop griping about how much it irked me. Instead, let me point out how Jeff Parker has come up with a concept that I adore! The Justice League Unconscionable are actually keeping the world safe and they've found a way to pull in a bunch of guest stars every few issues! I'm slowly falling in love with this comic book and I hope that one day it will let me put my penis inside of it.

Justice League United #11

This comic book cover is trying way too hard.

The last issue of Justice League United came out in March so I don't remember what was going on. Hell, I don't even remember who was on the team aside from the people on the cover (at least the ones I recognize!). I do remember that Justice League United were engaged in a time travel battle for a future that--let's face it--doesn't actually matter. People from the future really need to stop going back in time to fix the future. As human beings, we discover strange and wonderful things constantly as we get better and better at understanding the universe we live in. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that time travel will never work in such a way that somebody can go back in time and change the future timeline from which they came. If time travel is ever possible, all "time travelers" will accomplish is erasing themselves from the current timeline. The other scientists would shrug their shoulders and perceive the experiment as a failure and go on trying to figure out where they went wrong while the time traveler is currently in the past (some past but not the one he came from! Not anymore, at least, since his arrival changes everything) strangling baby Hitler.

I saw that Travel Foreman was the artist since his name was right there on the cover. But by the time I got around to opening up the comic book, I forgot that he was the artist. And then I opened the comic book and his art punched me in the equilibrium. It's like being on a boat while looking into a Funhouse mirror. After saying that, I also have to say how it's also quite beautiful because Travel Foreman lovers will read my experiential account of seeing his art as shitting all over it when it wasn't at all so eat dick. One thing I've learned from writing on the internet for eighteen years is that only people who completely misunderstand everything they read use the internet.

Although I think Jeromy Cox forgot to color in one of the costumes unless Maxine the Disembodied Head joined the Justice League.

Doesn't Miiyahbin look great in this shot? Just beautiful. And the disembodied head might actually be wearing an all black suit but I just can't tell from this page. I typed that because anybody who has read this comic book and already knows what the fuck is going on with her is probably already writing a comment which reads "You're an idiot" and that "You should keep your comments to yourself until you've read the whole comic book" and "Do you know that Jeromy Cox is trying his hardest! Love his mother"?

The new concept for Justice League United is that Adam Strange hangs out in the Zeta Beam looking for anomalies called "Breakers" that can destroy the universe if the Breakers themselves are not destroyed. To destroy each Breaker, Adam Strange must assemble the perfect group of heroes, different for each Breaker. In this issue, he and Justice League United will have to convince Swamp Thing, Etrigan, and Mera to join the battle with Equinox and Maxine the Animal Girl. Unless that's not Maxine. Once again, I'm spouting off ignorantly before gathering all of the facts! Kind of like how every single other comic book fan other than me does when they sit back and judge every story by the solicits alone.

Animal Man picks up Mera by pointing out that a lot of people mistake him for Aquaman so if she'd like to make that mistake too, he's free for the evening. Although right now that would mean she'd simply kill him. But Mera agrees to help Justice League United if they help her find Aquaman later.

Stargirl is in charge of gathering Swamp Thing.

Travel Foreman's characters actually look age appropriate. Doesn't he know he's drawing comic books?!

Poison Ivy is the red head in the black costume and it makes sense now! Those vines are part of her costume and not just an outgrowth of Swamp Thing! It was like one of those visual illusions where you think you're looking at two nuns discussing Christ but then you blink and realize it's actually a five-guy circle jerk.

Alanna Strange picks up Ivy at a club in a way different than the way that every fanboy just read the beginning of that sentence. Batgirl is after Ivy but Alanna pops in, promises to get Ivy clear if she helps the Justice League, and then pops out.

Equinox rescues Jason Blood from a bunch of mummies and he agrees to help her. He also strokes her ego a bit by already knowing who she is. That's pretty good, Blood! I could barely remember how to spell her name! Although it is Miiyahbin which isn't exactly the most common name outside of Canada. I bet in Canada, Miiyahbin is the equivalent of Brittany.

Justice League United lost Supergirl, Martian Manhunter, and Green Arrow. That's too bad because Green Arrow and Animal Man were becoming the next Abbot and Costello. I guess Supergirl had to leave because she needs to plan for a comic book that won't confuse people coming from the television series this Fall. And Manhunter has his own book to deal with. So now the team is Equinox, Animal Man, Stargirl, Adam Strange, and Alanna Strange. That's not much of a team. Although Adam Strange is now some kind of Doctor Manhattan living up in the Zeta Beam manipulating the universe. And Equinox is possibly as powerful an elemental as Swamp Thing although she lacks experience.

The entire team winds up in Lake Erie battling big red blobs of protoplasmic goo that come from a huge island of protoplasmic red goo which doesn't belong in our space and time. The team walk around on it until it swallows the Swamp Thing and everybody shits their pants.

Justice League United #11 Rating: +2 Ranking. The good: Jeff Parker is trying to give this team a reason for its existence aside from a bunch of heroes accidentally bumping into each other in Moose Creek and saying, "Yo! Let's team up! Holla!" The bad: I don't know what the bad is. Is there any bad? This thing is much better than Lemire's time travel story whose only purpose was to make Brainiac think, "I hope I didn't lose my relationship with Supergirl that I already had because I changed the past!" Oh wait! I know what could potentially be the bad depending on how Parker uses it! Adam Strange in his new role as the guy who moves the plot along by mystically knowing things that the characters have no other way of knowing which would keep them from ever doing anything (unless, I guess, they turned their television to Channel 52 News which is constantly telling characters exactly what they need to know at just the right time). This is a perfect place for new readers to hop on or for old readers that dropped the book to maybe give it another chance.

Justice League United #10

The Legion of Super-heroes ruin everything.

Whenever the Legion of Super-heroes takes a trip into the past, they ruin everything. I don't think they ever travel to the past to stop some terrible event from taking place. I think every time they head to the past, they're simply manipulating events so that their timeline comes to fruition. They're no better than that barn owl Madame Xanadu who's always pretending to see some future disaster just to get a bunch of heroes to do her laundry or weed her garden. If I were a super hero, I would have a strict policy to only ever get involved with crimes that have already happened or are currently in the process of happening. Nobody's going to trick me into lowering a neighborhood's property value so that they can snatch it all up so they can sell it for five times its value to developers. I know that I could still be manipulated by somebody pretending to be a ghost or a monster but I think I'm pretty good at spotting the difference between a rubber mask and an actual human face.

Last issue, Brainiac 5 with his amazingly huge brain created a black hole which is going to destroy all space and time. I know some of you are thinking, "What an idiot!" But could you create a black hole capable of destroying reality? I thought not.

If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this! But, you know, with different names replacing "Infinitus."

I just wrote a song while I was scanning the above image. This is it:

I bought sake for Goblin Sake! DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!
You put your dick in an old gym socky! KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK!

Have you ever been mellow while listening to "Have You Never Been Mellow"? Philosophy!

If a tree falls in the forest and there are no trees, what the fuck? Philosophy!

If a Starbucks employee asks you to have a frank and serious chat about racism, say what they want to hear and not what you actually think! Friendly Advice!

Let me have another attempt at that caption above so I can get back on track: "If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this, it wouldn't really matter since I just spent $100 to get into the situation which led to me yelling that at the Madame." That's too long and awkward. It needs some workshopping but it's not even worth workshopping, so I'll just move on now.

1. You can tell the H.P. Lovecreep thing is a good burn because it's been italicized. 2. Byth is still an asshole with teeth. 3. How about not criticizing somebody who's trying to save your ass, Miiyahbin. 4. The pull is too "strong," StarIDon'tKnowHowToLanguageGirl. 5. You are in space. There is no sky. 6. Um, is it a bird? Or a plane?!

Hopefully you can match all of my comments to the proper places in the comic book yourself. Try bringing a little effort to these commentaries, sheesh. Instead of just sitting there naked and passively scanning the internet with drool sliding down your chin. Jesus. Take a shower!

Whoops! I couldn't really see you browsing! That was just the reflection on my computer screen.

Supergirl flies down to get stuck in the gravity well of the black hole too. No, wait. She's strong enough to save Stargirl and Equinox with her flying power that works by...well, I'm sure it's some kind of science.

Nobody's arms get ripped off and nobody turns into long strings of spaghetti so I'm beginning to doubt Brainiac 5 actually created a real black hole. Maybe he just created a hole with a pretty strong gravity but nothing that a Supergirl can't climb out of.

Nobody shall die this day due to the power of science words!

Science can only do so much to save the day because now math has determined that Thanagar's orbit is going to bring it into the black hole's event horizon soon. Have you ever been inside the event horizon at a Grateful Dead concert? I've only gone once and that was to score some LSD. It might be the only time I've purchased drugs on my own if you discount buying LSD off of my ex-girlfriend's sister which I don't think really counts.

Hawkman decides to evacuate Thanagar but before he can, Dream Girl has a precognitive daydream where she sees two planets side by side. So now that science and math have had their turn, it's time to rely on hoodoo! Dream Girl declares that they must move the planet!

J'onn's only saying that because a female dreamed up the plan, the sexist pig. Plus he's trying not to cry as he thinks to himself, "Why didn't my people think of that?!"

I bet if we could understand pigs, they'd probably be thinking, "What the fuck did we do? Leave us out of your sexist bullshit, you asshole monkeys. And while we've got your attention, fuck George Harrison."

Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan to use zeta technology to move Thanagar to a different orbit. I guess everybody will be okay if it's shoved into Rann's orbit. Is that okay? Two planets in the same orbit? Kind of like our second Earth that's always on the far side of the sun that we don't know about. At least most of us don't know about it. The callers on Coast to Coast AM sure know a heck of a lot about it!

While they're coming up with a plan, Brainiac 5 asks White Witch to use her magic to help amplify the science. I don't know if that makes any sense but White Witch can amplify me anytime.

This isn't fair to Supergirl since obviously the future is going to have finer asses.

The planet is placed next to Rann in its orbit because Brainiac 5 knows what he's doing. Probably. Who am I to question a Twelfth Level Intellect! I can barely spell "twelfth"! I'm sure their gravitational fields won't fuck up everything on both planets.

Too bad Czarnia wasn't still extant! They could throw them in the mix just for fun!

Ugh! Gross! I hope it did change what happened between you if what happened between you is what I think happened between you! Stay away from my Supergirl, you green penised fartturd!

I called him a "fartturd" because he's Coluan. Get it? Sometimes my passion for Supergirl makes me a little racist and ablest. Fucking Michael, you handicrapable girlfriend thief!

Byth has been defeated, Infinitus turned back into a child, and a black hole was created nearby but fuck it. I'm sure it won't be a problem. The Legion of Super-heroes head back to the future with Ace Ultra where they'll probably just kill him when they get out of J'onn's sight. Adam and Alanna Strange are reunited and they kiss and fuck in that creepy way that professors kiss and fuck their students. *shudder*

How old is Stargirl? Three?

The team decides to stay together because they somehow didn't get cancelled in the DC June Relaunch. At least the next story can focus on the characters that are actually on the team instead of thousands of different Legionnaires.

Justice League United #10 Rating: No change. I realize I don't comment much on the art unless it's really shitty or unless it hits me right in the aesthetic pleasure center. I'm not going to discuss the art in this issue because it was serviceable. Maybe it was good in places and maybe it was weird in places and maybe White Witch's bum was super terrific. But I can't imagine being a proper comic book reviewer and feeling the need to throw in a paragraph about the art in every review. How many different ways can you say "the art served the story well"? And do they ever get sick of mentioning how the "coloring fit the mood perfectly"? I just can't do it! Sorry, Jeromy Cox, if I never give you any credit. Your ability to color and shade pictures seems, um, adult? Good job?

Justice League United #9

What does Harley have against Justice League United? Is she anti-Canada like the rest of us?

Hey Canadians? You don't mind if I make fun of you guys, do you? Since we all know you're all really polite and likeable, it should be obvious that I don't really have anything against you. But sometimes it's fun to make fun of other people simply because of where they're born and you guys are really the only ones left which works in a humorous way. If I make fun of Americans, I actually mean it because I am American and I've been in the same locker room as America for forty years and I've seen its dirty asshole and it's fucking disgusting. And I can't make fun of Britain because they're irrelevant to the world at large now. And I can't make fun of Germany because they're on their best behavior and I probably shouldn't provoke them. You know, just in case. And I can't make fun of France because they're all better than me, being American and all. And I can't make fun of the Fjordick countries (you know? the Nordic ones with fjords that look like dicks?) because they've got like the biggest happiness index of any country in the history of countries and it would just look like petty jealousy and envy if I made fun of them (which it would be). And I can't make fun of any other countries because they're not white and I am white and that would look horribly racist. So Canada is the only country left which I can poke fun at in a good-natured, heartfelt, no offense meant kind of way, right? But I need to ask your permission first because I don't want to be a douchebag about it! So any Canadians out there reading this, send me a message giving me your approval to turn Canada into my lovable spittoon! Don't send me any mean messages though because I'm quite sensitive.

I might be a little bit bitter while writing this commentary because this issue was supposed to be the final issue of The Infinitus Saga but it was extended last issue. So now I have to read another issue of poorly written time travel starring the Legion of Super-heroes! Thanks a lot, Jeff Lemire! Although I'm sure it was DC's fault with their whole Convolution Event happening in April and May. You probably figured it would be better to extend this story by one month than to start a new story in March which would be interrupted by Convalescence.

Who can remember all of these characters?!

Infinitus has been birthed from a cosmic asshole created by Byth. Now it us up to all of those faces to defeat Infinitus and save the universe! Or they could just let him go and destroy the future. Then they can change the present so that some other future occurs and Infinitus disappears in the now non-existent future! Why am I not leading this team?!

Inside Byth's Cosmic Asshole, Supergirl battles Byth to regain control of Ace Ultra. Ace Ultra is the mind creating and controlling Infinitus, so if somebody can just put him on a time-out, everything should be okay. Byth and Supergirl have a Buffy moment but nobody rhymes "regal" with "illegal."

Wait. What?! Sixteen?! But sixteen in Kryptonian years is twenty-four in Earth years, right?!

Byth mistakes Supergirl's greeting for violence which is totally understandable because it seems only on Krypton did people greet each other with a punch to the jaw. Or maybe it's only Supergirl's misunderstanding of Earth culture since Superman never punches people in the face when he just meets them. Of course, he was raised by Ma and Pa Kent and they never punched anything ever. Anyway, Byth decides to show Supergirl his true face which is basically an asshole with teeth.

Besides Infinitus and Byth, a bunch of fiery space wraiths have appeared and are attacking Thanagar. Mostly they're here because the Legion has too many members to participate in the Infinitus fight, so Lemire sends them on a wild fiery wraith chase. Animal Man and Green Arrow and Alanna Strange also go along because how effective are they going to be in a huge space battle?

Turns out they're really not that useful in planetary defense either.

Brainiac5 has created a weapon he's named The Infinitus Bomb because he lacks creativity and imagination. But he does have a 12th Level Intellect! Too bad he didn't have a 13th Level Intellect because he apparently miscalculated his time travel word problems. Instead of saving the future, he's only doomed everybody in the present as well. Infinitus is about to be born not in the 31st century but in the 21st century. And only his Infinitus Bomb can stop Infinitus. But before he can launch it, Martian Manhunter must enter Byth's Cosmic Butthole to save Supergirl and Ace Ultra.

Using some of the various Legion powers in combinations that have probably never been used before because there are just so Goddamned many of them, the Legion and the Justice League United rescue Supergirl and get Byth to surrender. Now they just need to get Ace Ultra to stop Infinitusiting up the universe.

Oh. Okay. That was easy.

At this point, Brainiac 5 is beginning to wish he had a 14 Level Intellect because he launches the Infinitus Bomb just as the target disappears. Whoops! Now who's the big fucking asshole who's doomed them all?!

The bomb opens up a black hole which begins sucking everybody inside and gives Justice League United an excuse to continue this story for one more issue.

Justice League United #9 Rating: No change. Will the black hole tie in to the Convocation Event in April? Or will it just crush every member of the Legion of Super-heroes except for Dawnstar and Wildfire who will eventually join the Justice League? Or maybe Wildfire will save them all since his containment suit was torn and now he's just some kind of free floating energy vortex that might have the power to reverse the gravity on a black hole. Or maybe Gates can just zap it to some barren space on the edge of the universe! Or maybe Colossal Boy can grab it and throw it into a bigger black hole? Or maybe Duplicate Damsel (or Triplicate Lass?) can create a string of herselves to use as a chain to pull everybody out of the black hole's range? Or maybe Polar Boy can make a big ice block around it (with Equinox's help, of course!)? Or maybe Mon-el can punch it into teeny tiny less dense bits of dust? Or maybe Phantom Girl can grab everybody in a big bear hug and phase them all through it, using the black hole's gravity to launch them out the other side? Or maybe Martian Manhunter can read its mind and find out its motivations? Or maybe Green Arrow can hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow while Animal Man chirps like a Bluebird? Or maybe Ultra-Kid can throw Bouncing Guy as hard as he can into the Black Hole which Bouncing Guy will bounce off of, sending the black hole careening into deep space while he bounces back out of its gravity well? Or maybe Invisible Kid can eat a baguette and say, "Mon friere!" Unless you spell French differently than that. Or maybe all of the others can do something with their super unique and special powers!

Justice League United #8

Stop fucking with the DC Universe, Flash! You don't belong in this story!

When the last issue began, I was upset that Legion Lost had returned but I was more upset by the fact that it was only Part 3 of a stupid ass 5 part time travel story! So just imagine the conniption I had when I opened up this issue and saw this:

You can't do this to me! It's not fair! It was almost over!

Stupid time travel has caused everything to get fucked up, even the number of issues the Infinitus Saga was supposed to run. I hate time travel with an addendum! The addendum is that I love time travel when it's well done! Usually when the Legion of Super-heroes are involved, it's rarely well done at all! That was a steak joke! Okay, it wasn't a joke at all. But it would have been acceptable for Chandler on Friends!

The title page shows nineteen tiny heads of Legion members with their names by them so that I can refer back to them as I read the comic book wondering who all the people crowding each panel are. Although for some reason they missed Saturn Girl and Brainiac 5. I'm pretty sure those are two of the most important Legion members of all time! Maybe that was before they time traveled to a page where they weren't very important at all.

Oh, maybe they're not included because they did time travel to a page where they're not important! They're in the other five parts of the Infinitus Saga while the Future Legion gets to be in this part that shouldn't exist! Maybe if the other team is successful in the past, this issue will cease to be and I'll suddenly have four more dollars in my wallet.

I wish they'd put all of their eggs in one stupid basket and then drop it and smash all of their eggs to pieces and then cry and then get crushed by a whale.

Dream Girl was put in charge by Brainiac because she's so dreamy. But Star Boy was all, "I should be Star Man! Look at this beard! LOOK AT IT!" Then Infinitus appeared and he was all, "...". And Cosmic Boy was all, "Save the monkeys! Get the monkeys in the capsules!" And Bouncing Boy was all, "BOING! BOING! BOING!" And Triplicate Girl was all, "Ew!" and "Ew!" and "SWOON!" And Kid Invisible was all, "Mon ami! Fuck us! Erffreebuddy fuck us!" And Shrinking Violet was all, "I'm tiny! I'm tiny!" And Quislet was all, "Who the fuck am I?! Does anybody remember what I do?" And Matter-Eater Lad was all, "BELCH!", and then five new planets appeared. And all of the other ones said, "Should we say some stuff too?"

Dream Girl, being in charge, shouts, "Hurry! Put all of the eggs in one basket!"

No! Then you'll just have to repeat the first three parts but with you in it as well! ARGH!

I bet Dr. Krzzztell says some kind of mumbo jumbo about how that isn't possible and they have to be sent to the point where the story left off last issue! And that's just what he says! "The past is in flux, dumb dumb!" And she's all, "Hey! I'm leader! Just do what I tell you!" And he's all, "Well if you'd tell me things that can actually be done, maybe I'd do them." And she's all, "I dreamt you were going to get hit by a bus if you don't listen to me!" And he's all, "Engagage Time Bubble! Engergize!" And Dream Girl was all, "Why are you adding extra 'g's?! Is there something wrong with the past?!" And then they all travel back to the past to have their eggs smashed! Hopefully!

Legion appears just in time to save Martian Manhunter from Hawkman! No wait, that can't be right. Let me read that again. Let's see...Supergirl, Mon-el, and Martian Manhunter, three of the strongest characters in the DC Universe, need to stop Byth's ship. Okay, yeah, no problem. Then Hawkman appears and he shoots them all and keeps them from stopping the ship. Am I reading that right? I think something is seriously wrong with the time stream! How is Hawkman so powerful? And in space! How do his wings work in space?!

Anyway, fifteen thousand Legion members fly out of a time bubble and stop Hawkman. Whew! That was close!

But then they don't stop Byth's ship from taking Ultra into the rift. Ha ha! Do you hear all the eggs breaking?!

This is what a whole basket of eggs breaking looks like!

Justice League United #8 Rating: No change. So what?! Infinitus is here and the future is fucked! Who cares? Legion is now safe in the past. Just let him go do whatever he was going to do to the future. If Legion stays in the past then everybody in the future is still safe, right? They won't be dead until the future becomes the present. All Legion has to do is keep traveling back to the past before they get to the future and they'll keep the future from ever happening! Problem solved and Shadow Lass never has to die! She can just stay in a coma for eternity! Or something. It's possible I don't know what I'm talking about. But that's perfect since Lemire has no idea what he's talking about either!