Robin War #1

I was really surprised that the Robin War was beginning in Robin War.

Robin War #1 Rating: Look, it's only going to be around for two issues so I'm not adding it to the overall DC Comic Books Ranking chart! But it was good, okay? Probably really fucking good because Damian was in top form. And though I felt like I've had enough Court of Owls to last for a few more years, I still love the concept of them and I think this story is a great way to bring them back to the forefront. Especially because I think Kyle Higgins pulled off one of those things comic book writers rarely get to do: he added to the origin of a character that didn't retcon the character or change it in any fundamental way but added to his history and made him more interesting. It also tied Dick to Gotham in much the same way Bruce Wayne is tied to Gotham. Higgins made him Gotham Royalty too. And the Court of Owls history with Dick Grayson makes their part in this story more interesting still. The Robin War is simply the smokescreen to get their talons into their lost gray son.

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Aquaman #42

Who is this guy and why is he wearing Arthur's Boner Belt?

Last issue, Aquaman didn't speak with any fish. That's the best part about Aquaman! If he isn't speaking with fish or telepathically convincing them to sacrifice their lives to solve his problems, then he isn't Aquaman! He's just some guy with blonde hair like the stranger on the cover! He could be anybody! Cullen Bunn could have used this story for any DC hero he was allowed to write. Lone hero battles back dark forces from another world while on the run from the government of his home nation. He'd better speak with some frickin' sea life this issue or I'm going to question Cullen Bunn's knowledge of Aquaman!

This issue is called "The Other Atlantis" because the DC Youniverse needs another place for Arthur to be responsible for. He can't even take care of the regular Atlantis without everybody constantly second guessing his decisions and questioning his loyalty. Maybe this other Atlantis will be full of Atlanteans who will respect Arthur and his amazing ability to convince Killer Whales to beach themselves for the greater good.

The issue begins with Aquaman having a stupid memory just like how John Stewart begins his issues with stupid memories and how Sinestro begins his issues with stupid memories. I smell a pattern! Aquaman's stupid memory is about how some weird kid who wasn't even Arthur's friend or else he probably would have said "I had a friend back in high school" instead of "there was a kid in high school". This fucking nerd was always slobbering all over Arthur trying to get him to play Magic the Gathering but Arthur was all, "Dude. Stop wasting your fucking time with that pussy drying bullshit. Get a fucking life, nerd. You're a nerd, nerd. Fucking nerd." But now that Aquaman is battling summoned armies from another dimension, he's thinking maybe Magic the Gathering would have given him a "little useful knowledge" in his current situation. Well, I guess! For one, if you saw five of the same type of monster attacking you, you could call the judge over to declare a rules violation. Or if you'd played, perhaps you'd now be a better fighter due to the experience of wonder the game filled you with right up until your first asshole friend brought around a Scrye magazine which showed the values of all the cards and it destroyed any sense of innocent fun in the game and caused all the players in your group to begin hoarding their valuable cards and stop playing for ante. Playing Magic the Gathering would have taught you that people are generally greedy assholes who will cheat if they can manage it although, technically (a word they'll use a lot because lots of gamers who think they're really good at a game are really just pushy assholes), they're just playing quickly and they didn't force you to miss a point where you could have played a card, you stupid slow minded moron. Perhaps Aquaman would have learned though that perhaps one out of fifteen strangers you meet playing Magic the Gathering in public locations is actually a really terrific person who enjoys playing the game as much as you do and will patiently wait for every move and consideration because the fun of the game isn't in winning due to mistakes but winning because you played the best or put together a fantastically crazy deck using a theme nobody had ever thought of before and wasn't copied from other people like 99 out of 100 decks you wind up playing against. Fuck. No wonder I stopped playing Magic the Gathering.

What I'm trying to say is that Magic the Gathering would not have helped Aquaman at all and an intelligent person like Aquaman would never have even considered a card game could have helped him in actual battle. So this is just an excuse for Cullen Bunn to mention Magic the Gathering and how he was always too busy to waste his time playing it. Well la dee da! Should I just refer to him as His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire from now on? So busy with important things! No trivialities for him!

Don't try to tell me that I'm confusing the character with the writer! I already pointed out how the character should never have had this thought in the first place! Fuck you! His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire is awful!

Goddammit. I'm only two pages into this thing and my heart is racing and I'm sweating profusely and there are four new holes in my wall and did anybody know knuckles bleed this much?!

Arthur is in another dimension rescuing more people to take back to his Jungle Sex Shanty Hideaway. A wizard is helping him so that's why this is so much like Magic the Gathering! Plus alternate dimensions which is part of it or something. The Dark was my favorite Magic set. The game never really felt the same after that set because Fallen Empires could have been released as a hastily scrawled note from Richard Garfield saying, "Ha ha! I got you addicted now here's a bunch of bullshit crap laced with my semen, you junkie!"

Arthur has a flashback to where he left Mera in charge of Atlantis while he went to investigate the other dimensional toe dipping itself into his waters. Mera is all, "Remember how the Atlanteans hate me?! They'll never want me in charge!" And Aquaman is all, "I'll take care of it! Obey Mera, okay? Done!"

No seriously. I'm not exaggerating. That's what happened. Look for yourself!

Most of these Atlanteans still don't even trust Aquaman! This is going to be a disaster!

You know what? Now that I've showered and calmed down, I want to apologize to His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire for believing he never played Magic. He looks like the kind of guy who not only played a lot of Magic but is also the kind of guy who would casually cast "Winter Blast" as an instant as if he didn't know any better or who would cheat in a Sealed Deck League and claim he opened a pack of The Dark that had only U1s in it except also a Maze of Ith, of course.

Sorry for the Magic the Gathering speak.

Arthur assures Mera that she'll be fine even though she should know she'll be fine. She's worrying an awful lot for the strong badass fuckmonster she is (I'm assuming she's a fuckmonster because I'd definitely be cowering under my covers if she came out of my closet to bang me. I mean, I want it but I know I can't handle it). Arthur leaves Mera in charge and rushes off to become Atlantis's Most Wanted for some reason.

Maybe the reason is that he's not really him! These are two different guys, right?

Last commentary I made a joke that the Atlanteans were trying to capture or kill Aquaman because he wasn't saving Atlantis quickly enough. It turns out that's actually the case. He isn't destroying the world that is leaking into our world because innocent people are currently being held captive in that world. So he needs to save all of the innocent people before destroying the world. Not one other Atlantean has any empathy and could never understand why Aquaman is delaying destroying the world, I guess. Or maybe only Mera lacks empathy (which she doesn't but, you know, let's go with what we have to work with) and she's commanded the Atlanteans to kill Arthur for not hurrying and they must listen to her because Arthur told them to. Although I still think Mera wants to kill Arthur because he put his dick in Ya'wara's secret panther.

Seriously though, DC. Nobody cares that Aquaman's new costume is just a huge boner?

Back to the flashbacks, we learn that the first huge incursion under the water that threatened Atlantis was a ruin that housed the Warlock of Atlantis, Extriax, and a bunch of others seeking asylum from Thule. They are Atlanteans that cannot breathe underwater because they're from an older line or something. I guess they left Atlantis for Other Atlantis in another dimension before the main Atlantis sank. Unless the main Atlantis is the other Atlantis. That seems more in keeping with the kind of twist that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire enjoys.

Anyway, Arthur learns that he can't just destroy this other world like he really wants to. He has to save all of the innocent people because he's "also the guy who stands up for those who can't protect themselves." Oh, is he? Is he that now?

His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire really fucking loved his "dipping the toe" analogy so he uses it again this issue. No wonder my comic book smells like semen!

As Arthur battles the remnants of ancient Atlantis invading Earth up in Alaska, he looks different yet again! He's three people! He also has many more powers. Last issue he froze a bunch of creatures in ice. This time he makes large stone pillars rise up out of the ground. But he still hasn't commanded a seahorse to let him put a saddle on it.

While Aquaman is saving Alaska, he's confronted by an underwater version of the Suicide Squad (led by Aqualad, I think? Did Garth already appear in The New 52? Sometime with Tula?) sent by Mera to kill her cheating fucking bastard fiance. At least King Shark is among them! Although I doubt he'll be an entertaining King Shark because this story is serious and dark and there is no time for silliness or games of Magic the Gathering here.

Aquaman just met Garth for the first time and Garth accuses Aquaman of betraying Atlantis. So what other conclusion about Garth could Arthur come to except for "The kid's smart...and he's got a good heart." Arthur might have brain damage. Or maybe it's just my intense cynicism that thinks Arthur should have come to the exact opposite conclusion!

Anyway, Aquaman has one final thought as a huge ancient Atlantean golem rises up out of the ground and the issue ends.

I'm paying attention! And none of it makes sense! So His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire probably doesn't really want anybody paying that much attention.

Aquaman #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. The only explanation for Mera turning Atlantis against Arthur is that he had sex with Ya'wara. But if that's the case (as the Aquaman Futures End issue from last September would suggest), then Arthur knows full well what Mera is thinking even though he states in this issue that he doesn't know what Mera is thinking. He knows she's pissed. If that's not the case, then this story doesn't even make the most feeble of sense. If Mera and the other Atlanteans are upset that Arthur wants to delay the destruction of Thule to save innocent Atlanteans still on that world, then it makes no sense for them to spend all of their time and manpower trying to stop Aquaman from saving Atlanteans. Even if Mera captures or kills Aquaman, how does that stop Thule from destroying Atlantis? They should be letting him do his own thing while they find a way to destroy Thule themselves. If the Atlanteans are upset that Aquaman is saving other Atlanteans, then fuck them all because they're entitled bigots. I suppose Mera could have been infected with the poison from Thule and brainwashed but that's far less interesting than her being upset at Aquaman's infidelity. But in either case, whatever motivates Mera, why are the Atlanteans just rolling over and following all of her insane orders? They already didn't trust her in the first place and are only following her orders on the word of the man who she's commanding they kill! Am I wrong or is this book stupid?

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1

Didn't Arkham already deal with Jokerface?

Hey remember in Detective Comics #15 when Clayface raped Poison Ivy and nobody fucking said "Boo!" about it? What a missed opportunity for outrage! It was even a Death in the Family tie-in! Maybe I just never saw any posts about it. It seems like something people would have been concerned about plus they would have felt righteously indignant at something DC Comics put out. Win-win!

Endgame is that story in Batman that has yet to come to a conclusion even though the first week of Convergence books shipped. I think Batman is late! I'm sure they planned it this way for some reason but I'd rather be reading Batman #40 by Scott Snyder than Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 by Frank Tieri. Frank Tieri?! Are you kidding? Didn't he take over on Deathstroke or Team 7 or something? Whatever he wrote so far in The New 52, I wasn't a fan! But then, I'm not a fan of much of anything if it doesn't involve a hand on my penis. Usually my hand but I'll take a raccoon paw with a near thumb if one is free and available.

The issue begins with Harvey Bullock interrogating some guy named Stone about something horrible that happened at Arkham Manor. Let me guess! There was a riot and a bunch of inmates escaped! Nailed it! Probably.

Oh, and this is an Endgame book so they were all Jokerized. Jokerised for my British friends.

I don't actually have any British friends. Although I do have two friends currently living in Britain! Hi Ron and Rob! Smoke a kipper for me or whatever they do over there that isn't too weird.

This is the beginning of the story! Why is Eric Border wearing an inmate's jumpsuit?

I think Stone is lying to Harvey to cover up something horrible Stone did. It's so obvious because that's what Harvey thinks too. And Harvey has a mug that says World's Greatest Detective on it.

Joker opens all the cells and throws a Joker smoke bomb that give great big grins to all of the escapees. Zsasz makes an appearance! And then Bane! And then Clayface! And then Poison Ivy! And then Mr. Freeze! It's an all star cast! All of those Arkhamites except Zsasz were unaffected by the Joker Gas and were looking to find an easy way out. So they recruited Stone to get them out of the Manor. Bane probably should have stayed inside Arkham because he's going to get his ass beat by Killer Croc on the outside. Oh wait. That's Batman Eternal not Endgame. I really need a timeline for this shit!

Also, what is Bane doing in Arkham? Isn't he more of a Blackgate kind of guy?

They try to fight their way to the exit but it's no use because STONE IS FUCKING LYING HIS ASS OFF! I just know it! Bane in Arkham? Ridiculous! When did Arkham start providing rehab?

Where is Jack Shaw when you need him?

The Joker was actually Jeremiah Arkham in a Joker wig. Stone knocks him out cold and all the Jokerized victims stop acting like crazed Jokerized victims. Were they all pretending just to get in good with The Joker? I think this Arkham riot was just a serious case of peer pressure. Bullock and the Gotham SWAT Team show up to get things under control. Which isn't something that would have happened if everybody was truly Jokerized. So I think my peer pressure theory stands.

During the ordeal, Bane and Poison Ivy and Clayface and Mr. Freeze escape. And that's why Harvey's grilling Stone because he thinks Stone helped set them free for some payola. But Harvey figures he can't prove anything and lets him go. But Jeremiah Arkham gets fitted for a straight jacket and shoved into a cell. Who's going to run this place now?

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 Rating: I don't really rate these one-shots or the annuals or any of these extraneous titles. I like that it starred Harvey Bullock. He should always be the investigator when Arkham Manor returns for more stories. And let him prove to be a great detective at times! But also one that relies on his gut too often and tends to make his own investigations harder than they need to be by ignoring the clues because his gut is all, "Don't worry about evidence, Harvey! Get me a danish! Also, that ugly fucker that looked at you squint-eyed probably did it. And even if he didn't do it, wouldn't you like to rough him up a bit, Harvey? Also, wouldn't you like to put a Kit-Kat in me? Come on! I'm stahvin' 'ere!"

Justice League Dark #40

This movie variant is a bad idea because there is no way this issue will be as entertaining as Beetlejuice.

So far I've tried to pick up every movie poster variant cover available but my comic book store just randomly chooses between the regular cover and variant when they shove them in my box. So I looked up the issues that I knew I wasn't able to grab to see if I recognized them. So far on the covers I've gotten, I've recognized them all except Batman Loves Superman's The Fugitive poster. Although I did know it was a Harrison Ford movie and found the poster by asking Lord Google to find me a "Harrison Ford movie poster." I missed Sinestro which was a Westworld variant and I would have recognized that one. I also missed Batman and Robin which was a Harry Potter poster and I would have guessed that one. I also missed Green Lantern Corps which was for Forbidden Planet and I'm not so sure I would have recognized that one. When I looked it up via Lord Google, the real movie poster popped up side by side with the Green Lantern Corps cover so I didn't get a chance to guess it. But since the poster relies so heavily on Robbie the Robot and he's been replaced by Kilowog, I'm not sure I would have placed the rest of it. Probably though! I'll just give myself a pass for all the covers I missed and give my self partial credit, rounded up, for Batman Loves Superman. Which means I'm 100% on guessing the correct movie so far!

The last five issues of this comic book dealt with Justice League Dark trying to save themselves and stop the universe from ending all at the same time. But I guess they failed because last issue ended with all of them being sucked up into Pralaya's vagina. But immediately after that happened, John Constantine inside the House of Mystery was expelled from Pralaya's goose stretcher. I ran out of things to call a vagina so I need to start making up some new ones. That's what happens after you've written around 2100 commentaries on comic books and you enjoy mentioning certain parts of the female anatomy. I've probably also run out of words for penis as well but I can call a penis anything and there isn't a guy on Earth who will take offense to whatever euphemism I choose. But I have to dance delicately around the vagina! Boy, if I had a barn owl for every time I've uttered that phrase!

This issue is called Ouroboros because it's going to make me want to consume myself.

Oh bullshit! Love is less real than anything else in this comic book!

Love is only real when you don't have it! Having love is just allowing yourself the chance to not contemplate how truly despicable and unlovable you truly are. You don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and the ultimate inability to connect with any other human being if you have somebody nearby telling you how much they love you. Love is just freedom from your insecurity and self-doubt! When love is gone, you hunger for it because you can't stand who you are when you're alone and you realize just how hard it will be to get somebody to not think you're completely disgusting. People don't love each other because of their flaws or despite their flaws. They love each other because it's a contract to completely ignore the other person's flaws so that you can also completely ignore your own flaws. You can revel in your bitterness and resentment in the rest of the world and you have somebody who has to agree with you because you've seen them, on a near daily basis, stick their fingers into their buttcrack and then casually sniff them as if they were in the room alone. That's love! Oh, and it isn't real was my point. So I probably shouldn't have tried to end it with "That's love!" as if it exists because it doesn't! Nevermind.

Fake Constantine and Fake Zatanna and the real (I guess?) House of Mystery create a fake Alec Holland because The Green still kind of exists since the House of Mystery has its own greenhouse. They're still desperately trying to save the universe even though it's long gone baby! Forget about it! It's over! Kaput! The opposite of extant! And they aren't even real people anyway! Why should they care? Oh, that's right. Love! I forgot about fucking love! The power of love will keep the universe alive tonight! That's the power of love.

Alec Holland needs to rebirth Yggdrasil which will bring back the universe which has ended because that's how things go, guys. Everything dies. Except God, of course! God has always been and can't die because he (or she) was never born! She (or he) has existed forever because that totally makes more sense than a universe that has existed forever. Or else God was spontaneously created at some point which totally makes more sense than a universe spontaneously coming into creation. Wait. Now I'm confused. How is replacing "the universe" with "God" a better answer? It still doesn't make any sense a human can wrap their minds around, you whackos.

Look. We have proof of a universe outside of man and his creations. We have no proof of God outside of man and his creations. So how does replacing an infinite universe (or a universe created from nothing) with a sentient, all-knowing, all-powerful infinite being (or one that was created from nothing) make it more palatable? It's definitely not more logical and it takes extra, unneeded steps to explain the universe. I think this is where, if I were one of the youngin's, I'd shake my damn head.

Okay, you know what. I'm the one who used the word "palatable" so I can actually understand it in those terms. I take back my shaking my damn head. I get that the decision to swap out the random and inexplicable creation of the universe with a knowing and loving God offers comfort and meaning. So I get why people believe. And I get why people want to believe. And I get why people, even when they don't really believe, desperately leave the possibility open by not really thinking themselves out of it too much. I get it. Some people need that. I just wish people would understand that some people don't need that and that by not needing it, it doesn't make us arrogant or self-righteous. I think it just makes us stronger!

Was that a little bit arrogant?

Poison ivy! Come creeping up right behind me!

Swamp Thing recovers the real Justice League Dark from oblivion. I guess they were hiding in The Green because The Green was never totally obliterated because plants were still in the House of Mystery. It's all very complex and high-minded!

I currently have half of a chocolate chip cookie. Is there anything more disappointing in life than half a cookie? Okay, maybe sex with a man. But the half a cookie is a close second.

Yggdrasil explodes out of Pralaya who is consumed by her own self or something. She loses because the end of the universe is really just the beginning of the same universe. Duh! It was right there in the title the whole time! "Ouroboros!" Whatever that means.

Whoever created the word "Ourobors" was an idiot because the word should be a palindrome.

"...who'll ever know!" Convenient!

But is the universe restored exactly? How do they know that Yggdrasil didn't decide to throw in a few new flourishes that she had been pining for the last time around to spruce the place up?

Zatanna mentions how Pralaya still exists and she'll be back at the appointed time for the Big Sleep of Brahma. But since Justice League Dark decided that time wasn't now, I guess Pralaya has to slink away and change her calendar. What makes them so special that they can just interfere with the basic cosmic underpinnings of the entire system? And they called Pralaya arrogant.

Justice League Dark and the House of Mystery return to Earth to meet up with John Constantine. Zatanna hands over the keys to the House and quits. Everybody else quits with her because who wants to be on John Constantine's team? That's like signing your own death certificate!

Justice League Dark #40 Rating: No change. This whole story was a major let down. The Justice League Dark were forced into a mission to save the universe and restore it to exactly where it was before they had to save the universe. So it really didn't accomplish anything as a story. But I guess it created a Constantine and a Zatanna that get to live in a magical realm of love and unibunnies. And Yggdrasil is now a character in the DC Universe if she wasn't already. And maybe, if I'd cared more, I might have learned a little something about the strengths and desires of some of the main characters of the book. But who has time to read comic books that closely? I don't need to know more about Nightmare Nurse than that she looks like a sexy Sailor Moon when she's doing her magic. The most important part of the story is that Zatanna still loves Constantine but he doesn't remember her. But that was established before this story began so I'm just going to go with my initial reaction and say this story was bullshit that had no effect on anything or anybody ever.

Justice League Dark #39

Stop being so adorable, cover.

Some people would nitpick this cover to show what huge pop culture brainiacs they are. But I'm cool with them genderswapping Velma and having Scooby Doo wear a trenchcoat.

Don't try to make sense of that last paragraph! I'm in a mood!

This issue starts off explaining how nothing turned into something and that something it turned into was God so that God could start making some things that make sense from a human perspective. But never mind that part about God being created from nothing because that's just nonsense. As every believer knows, something can't come from nothing. And something can't just have always existed without an explanation. It's better just to assume an intelligence so infinitely superior than ours has always existed and, for some reason, that intelligence didn't decide to make us until it had already existed for infinity. It couldn't love us that much or it would have created us as soon as possible! Which would have been after an infinite amount of time had passed. Just imagine how many other creations this infinite intelligence created before getting around to us! And we're a pretty shitty model, so you've got to assume that we were just another practice batch. The infinite intelligence is probably still trying to work out the kinks, like cancer and racists. And free will, probably, because that shit really fucks up the bake.

When did Swamp Thing get so knowledgeable about universal matters? Stick to bulb facts, Rooty!

This issue is called "Pralaya" for some reason. Isn't that one of those Denny's breakfast promotions? "Come in for Pralaya! All month long! All you can eat pancake stacks! Get 'em before they disappear in an unending miasma of entropy and butter!"

Justice League Dark are attacked by dark creatures of a dark so dark that they are what darkness was before we gave it a name and exposed it to the light. It's like dark that no human eye has never not seen! It's the kind of dark that lies behind the darkness that you can't see! Somebody should have brought a flashlight. I wanted to say "torch" so that I'd sound British but then I figured my American readers would believe I meant an actual torch and then they'd be all, "But wouldn't Frankenstein freak out?"

I don't really care what my American readers think anyway! So I should have just stuck to my blunderbusses and said torch!

Some vast, dark creature is narrating as it watches the Justice League Dark torn apart by its dark darklings. It marvels at how these creatures fight even though they're insignificant motes in an infinitely vast eye. It just makes the Narrator sound naive! As if every one of us, once we realize our lives don't matter, should put a bullet through the roof our mouths. Look, Narrator! Even if I knew my life wasn't just insignificant but actually harmful to all existence, I still wouldn't kill myself because only when I'm dead will there be no time for another cookie. But while I live, cookies!

Oh! Oh! I know what's happening!

When the Justice League Dark left the Land of Imagination at the Beginnings of Time, they teleported into John Constantine's toilet! Now he's been watching them struggle to battle his turds as he laughs about how insignificant they are in his eyes! His turds are full of curry which is why they burn when they touch, dissolving Frankie, Swampy, Orchid, and Boston. Now John has flushed and he's sending them all down around the bend. I bet as they start to whirl around the bowl, they'll begin to be attacked from above by the yellowest of yellow drippy creatures!

The Justice League Dark begins to fight back because how embarrassing would that be if they were taken down by a bunch of floating turds? Deadman rallies like never before as it finally dawns on him that he's a ghost. And one of the special powers given to ghosts by God is the ability to turn into an army of ghosts. Ectoplasm is an infinite resource, I guess.

It's shit like this that has caused me to grow weary of this book.

The mystic whatzits are always super powerful and nigh on unbeatable for mystic reasons. But then the Justice League Dark all individually rally back using whatever power they have so that it looks like they're going to defeat the mystic whatzits with their ingenuity! But then the mystic whatzits redouble their efforts and Justice League Dark falls to the mystic whatzits. Then they're captured and have to free themselves which they do because this time they decide to put their all into their magic because they were just half-assing it last time. And they rise up to defeat the mystic whatzits with the exact same magic they had at their disposal the whole time and in a way that isn't ingenious or imaginative at all. They just put more "oomph" into it!

The way they save themselves this time is something they always do as well! Somebody mentions a spell (this time it's Tempus Durant, Time Stop) and the others all say, "But that's so dangerous! Do you think we should?!" And then the one that's about to attempt the spell says, "We don't have any other choice! We're dead either way!" And the others all go, "Good point! Why did you even bring it up for discussion then and waste all of this time? Just cast it already!"

Always what? Always remember Paris? Always hate him? Always appreciate that he took the time to satisfy your needs before pulling on his pants and heading outside to have a fag?

The Nightmare Nurse refuses to let Zatanna die because she has really decent health insurance. Once she's all better, it's up to these three ladies to save the entire multiverse from the Dark Narrator!

Also, the Dark Narrator introduces herself before they get to the final battle which probably won't happen until the last issue anyway. For now, she's just a big naked hottie named Pralaya and she's out of pancakes.

"Party's over! Everybody back inside!"

Zatanna likes the sound of heading back inside the womb so she dissolves the Time Stop spell and allows Pralaya to consume them all (using her vagina, I'm assuming. Her own words!).

Once everybody is consumed and everything is dark and quiet, a new House comes blasting out of Pralaya's vagina! It's the House of Hope! Unless her IUD just slipped out.

Justice League Dark #39 Rating: No change. I guess JM DeMatteis has decided the DC Universe needs one house for each color of the spectrum? The House of Secrets is probably based on greed. The House of Mystery is based on fear. The House of Wonder is based on love. And now the House of Hope is based on hope. I can't wait to see all of the other houses! Somebody should really paint them in their appropriate colours.

Justice League Dark #38

Maybe help the lady out, Flash?

I actually left the house and went on an adventure downtown yesterday! First I stopped by Billy Galaxy's which has tons of cool old toys and old comics and old Dungeons and Dragons materials but everything is way overpriced. It's still a neat little store to browse through and, if you don't mind paying a premium, you might be able to find the missing piece to some old toy collection. I like the store well enough and decided to support them so I paid nine dollars for a loose Super Powers Hawkman action figure. For thirty years now, I've had a Hawkman with a broken wing he received while riding shotgun in the Batmobile. Batman must have been drunk that day because he thought it would be a good idea to drive the Batmobile straight off the back porch. The car flipped upside down and landed on Hawkman's wing, snapping it off completely. I figured it was about time I replaced him.

I also stopped by the Doc Martin's store to see if they had any bright pink Doc Martins. They did! I asked an employee if they might possibly have any which would fit my feet and she said the largest size they make them in is a man's ten. I said, "Perfect! Bring them out!" As I opened the box, I knew they'd fit lengthwise but my feet were going to be too wide. I tried them on and still almost shelled out however many clams they'd cost (I never asked the price) but common sense told me the width would be a problem. So once again, I had to forgo bright pink Doc Martins because the world isn't ready for a world where shoes for men aren't completely boring and more boring. The employee sympathized with me and said, "I don't know why they don't just make them in all sizes." And I said, "Right on, sister!" Except I didn't say that part. I just said, "Thank you," and left.

Next I met the Non-Certified Spouse at Powell's where we each bought a book even though Powell's is the most expensive used book store in the history of used bookstores ever. People might think living in Portland is the bees knees because they have the biggest used bookstore ever and it's super famous and let's all jerk off over it, but they never consider the downside. Most of the books in Powell's aren't used. And even the used books are priced way higher than they should be. And because Powell's is so popular, smaller used bookstores find it harder to stay in business so there is a dearth of cutesie, affordable used bookstores with cats living in them here in Portland. Fuck you, Powell's! Although I still kind of love Powell's too. I think I'm in an abusive relationship with Powell's.

Finally we ate at the McMenamins under The Crystal Ballroom. I don't know what that one is called because I really wasn't paying attention. We prepared ourselves for a long wait punctuated by infrequent visits from an obnoxious server but were pleasantly surprised to get the one member of Mcmenamins' waitstaff who was friendly and timely. He did throw a few more thumbs ups at me than I was comfortable with. I was beginning to feel like I owed him a quick suck and tug by the end of the meal. Living in Portland, I guess I'm just not used to friendly service anymore!

And that's what happens on days that I actually venture out into the real world! I wind up ignoring Justice League Dark completely!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing, Frankenstein, Nightmare Nurse, and Andrew Bennett sailing across the seas of nothingness. I hope I don't have to read twenty-two pages of J.M. DeMatteis conversation between these characters. I mean, what else could possibly happen? They've sailed past the edge of everything and are now outside of all space and time!

Don't worry, guys! It's just the Zatanna tree!

Over in the Realm of Now (no, Now! Now! Now! Now?), Deadman, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu also become consumed by the Zatanna tree. Now Justice League Dark will all be together again and they'll return to the point in time where the House of Wonders ceased to be. And everything will return to normal and this comic book will end and life as we know it will never be the same again. Also, a bunch of people will begin buying DC Comics again simply because "The New 52" label is finally going to be dropped and they all believe that means "The New 52" has been cancelled and they're going to get their precious fictional characters back. Pshaw. They'll get what DC gives them and they'll like it! Or they'll stew and pout and bitch and moan about change just like old white men constantly do.

In my day, DC Comics destroyed infinite worlds and we liked it! We didn't have any of this "internet" in which to find other like-minded people with which to commiserate. Although to be fair, DC Comics really kind of sucked before Crisis on Infinite Earths. So it's not a good analogy to The New 52 because DC actually had some good shit going on before obliterating it this time. But, like always, things change not for the better or for the worse. They just change. So The New 52 has some shitty stuff and some really fucking good stuff. And the good stuff keeps getting better. I've been wondering when DC was going to finally drop The New 52 from the covers. I think that, and Conviviality, and all the new books beginning in June, will bring back a bunch of readers. It'll be up to DC to keep up the quality and maintain the new readers after that.

I'm particularly looking forward to the revamp because I've been saying all along that DC needs to concentrate more on individual stories and less on continuity. It looks like they're going to try that for a bit.

Anyway, Zatanna has now made friends with a face-tree living in a psychedelic miasma.

The Justice League Dark all wind up in Zatanna's land of imagination. Everybody hugs and enjoys celebratory cupcakes (except for Boston because he can't eat them and nobody will let him possess them to enjoy his cupcake and Frankenstein sat on it anyway). "Unnnh," he said, "I have cupcake on my pants." Then everybody laughed and the credits rolled.

Okay, maybe they didn't laugh. But they did have a long, boring discussion about whose little adventure was the worst and the pain of fantasy. And no matter how much I wished it, the credits refused to roll over any of it. Hopefully they'll get back into the House of Leaves and figure out what they're up against. And the World Tree decides to make it easy for them by creating the house right before their eyes.

Yggdrasil equals Zampanò's House of Leaves equals The House of Mystery. I'll buy that.

The House of Mystery takes the Justice League Dark to a place called The Heart of Chronos where time is created. And to their dismay, they find it ass-full of Time Gremlins! I think they're also known as Langoliers.

Zatanna manages to kill all of the Time Gremlins by expelling all the magical energy she's collected while living in her fantasy world. But she fails to seal the leaks in the Heart of Chronos. That might be a problem for the team next issue.

Justice League Dark #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story, "The Amber of the Moment," has had four parts so far. Two were interesting enough to entertain me and two were horrible enough for me to throw up in my mouth two or three times while reading them. And the Justice League Dark is still in the dark about what's going on. Is that where they get their name?

World's End #17

*screams into microphone* "Seventeen issues of disappointment!" *huge guitar riff* "And counting!" *sound like drumsticks falling on drums because the drummer had an aneurysm*

Look at that fucking manspread on Desaad! He's one bad alpha asshole! Oh, and check out the gap in Barda's thighs! She is one hot bitch! Or is Barda knock-kneed with a bit of the old scoliosis? And maybe Desaad has had so many pelvic breaks that he can't close his legs when he sits? Now I feel like an asshole! Maybe I should change the subject.

Well, maybe I'll sort of change the subject. So I checked out the manspreading tag on Tumblr and it is just filled with unintentional comedy. So many angries from both sides! About what is essentially a non-issue that can be dealt with on a case by case basis. Somebody taking up too much space on public transport for whatever reason? Ask them to make room! If they don't, they're fucking assholes! But then I decided to also check out the thigh gap tag on Tumblr and was met with this:

Holy shit! I don't know if I'm in the mood to make snarky comments anymore!

That tag wasn't full of unintentional comedy at all. It was full of unintentional tragedy, I think. Now this is an issue! Most of you probably don't realize that society teaches women to have an unrealistic image of themselves. Yeah! It's true! Somebody should set about to fixing that or something because the thinspiration tag almost made me cry. And that means it affected me and when an issue affects a white cishet man manspreading all over his office chair, that's when it becomes a real issue! Although I suppose I could always heed Tumblr's warnings from now on and then the issue wouldn't affect me and it would have the same effect as if the problem had been solved! Right?

Actually, I don't tend to "manspread" in my office chair. I generally sit cross-legged or I squat on it. Or I'll kick my feet up on my comic book boxes (ankles crossed) and lean back. That's how I sit on buses. Most people don't know what to say when I tuck my feet into their lap to get comfortable, so they just kind of look the other way and ignore it.

Manspread just sounds like the most awful thing you can put on a sandwich. After mayonnaise.

Part of me just thinks I should delete everything I previously wrote because it comes across as facetious and insincere. Which is how it's meant to sound! Why can't I ever take anything seriously? Especially that thing about women and body image? But then I know I can't delete any of it because how else am I going to fill up this commentary? It certainly won't be by commenting on World's End #17 which I'm so totally avoiding reading by writing about all this other stuff.

I really, really dislike this comic book.

This issue begins with Replacement Batman shooting up Helena with Venom to shock her body back to life.

Fucking Power Girl. It's always about herself, isn't it? Screaming her own name when her friend is on the brink of death.

As Helena enjoys the Venom ride, Death delivers her Deathspawn of Apokolips. It's born fully formed with the ability to speak English which really helps to justify screaming, "Bring it down!" I mean, if it were just a mewling infant, Queen Lantern would look like a huge prick blasting it with his Green Lantern ring.

Azathoth continues to be alive after seemingly having died when The Blue broke down in baby tears and gave up on the fight to save the world. And Yolanda the Red Avatar continues to be missing in action after having arrived to not even save the day like she was supposed to. Have I been reading this series out of order?

The Deathspawn of Apokolips flees from the battle and heads into the Earth to devour the Parliament of Colors. Maybe Yolanda foresaw this move and she'll be ready to protect the tree with breasts and her friends.

Big Barda gathers up an army of Protofuries to go destroy the last of the humans.

Is anybody else tired of seeing Barda act like an evil jerko? Why the fuck did this even happen? Was it to surprise the audience with some kind of big twist? Because from the Earth-2 versions of Fury and Barda (as limited as Barda's role was in the series), the story would have made more sense to just leave Fury as the bad guy siding with Apokolips and to let Barda play the role of Earth sympathizer with Mister Miracle. Who decided it would make for a better story to have Barda be the betrayer?

Tornado Lane, Val-el, Power Girl, Hawkcop, and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick meet Big Barda at the entrance to Atom's Haven to engage in a mighty kerfuffle. It's probably super exciting if you're the half dozen people still interested in this comic book series.

I think somebody forgot, many issues ago, that Val-el is a pacifist.

Maybe punching Protofuries doesn't go against Val-el's pacifism. I mean, I'm a pacifist and I still punch dogs.

And then Kalibak crashes through a wall for some reason. Whatever.

World's End #17 Rating: -2 Ranking. I waste so much time while reading this comic book because I just know the story will hardly advance at all and I'll be left making the most boring comments on the most boringester comic book characters. Can Earth-2 just explode already? Please?

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #2

"My name is Santa Claus. I invade homes and shoot Goddamn motherfuckers in the head once per year. I have such rabid fans that they can read a story about me written by Scott Lobdell and delude themselves into believing it was well written."

My stomach hurts just looking at this cover. For a fan of these characters who can somehow see past the horrible writing (and, worst, rationalize it as decent writing), this cover promises an exciting, hilarious Christmas romp. But for me, I just see a series of horribly unfunny jokes made by three of DC's most unlikable characters of The New 52.

Maybe this will be my Christmas Miracle! Maybe Scott Lobdell will finally put some effort into his plot and his characterization and his dialogue! Maybe the whole story won't rely on Narration Boxes telling what the character is thinking about the action and then more Narration Boxes telling me what the character is thinking about the previous Narration Boxes! Maybe it will even be...funny! Please, Baby Jesus, grant this miracle for me! Let me enjoy at least one Scott Lobdell comic book this year!

Holy fuck I'm in Hell.

So right off the bat, we get a Roy Harper as a small child with a boner joke, Deadpoolesque acknowledgement of the Narration Boxes, and outright lies from Starfire! They were on Tamaran this year and Roy Harper's Narration Boxes never stopped! So they do have them on Tamaran! Unless she means Tamaraneans don't Narration Box. But then Starfire has been known to engage in her own Narration Boxing, so she's still lying!

See? Although these Narration Boxes don't have her symbol to prove it's Starfire, you can tell from context it's her, the big cum dumpster!

Currently, The Outlaw Babies are sneaking down the staircase in Wayne Manor to spy on Santa Claus. In the background, Alfred Pennyworth is busy dusting when he should be busy grabbing his shotgun and blowing the shit out of the burglar in the Santa Claus outfit. How do I know it's a burglar, kids? Well duh! Because Santa Claus isn't real..ly that fat! Also, why would Santa Claus deliver crappy elf-made goods to Wayne Manor?! Whatever Bruce has purchased for the kids is going to be way better, bat-shaped, and deadlier than anything Santa's elves could make.

I told you it was too fat to be the real Santa Claus! Because I could totally tell and I wasn't just trying to cover up almost blowing the secret! Shush. You kids don't need to know what secret I'm talking about.

Oh no! It's the Suzie Su zombie Santa Claus against Red Hood and the Outlaw Muppet Babies! I'm laughing so hard right now! Ah ha ha ha!

Jason Todd Baby explains why they call themselves the Outlaws although they never really have because in Issue #37, Roy Harper admits that he's the only one that calls themselves that. But now he's decided they call themselves Outlaws, so I guess they call themselves Outlaws. They do it because they operate outside of the law! I mean, not in the same way Batman does. Or Superman does. Or every other fucking vigilante does. They do it in a cool way that's cool to the kids and makes them all cool and likable and full of angst and cool.

After they kill Suzie Su and scoop out her insides, Batman comes down to put them back to bed.

See? Being cool is important!

So far in the first nine pages, somebody has told somebody else to shut up or be quiet or shush six times! It's like the comic book is reading my mind! I've been screaming at them all to shut up every page! And six out of nine is almost every page! It's only like four or five off.

More proof that I used "cool" the correct amount of times when I described how Red Hood and the Outlaws operate.

Batman punishes the Outlaws by locking them in the Batcave where they can't get up to no good no matter how hard they try. Not like the Batcave is full of Batinternet without Porn Blockers or Teen Titans cartoons running on the monitor or a giant chocolate penny or a dinosaur that loves chocolate pennies or a Batmobile that eats super villains or a couple of gargoyles that look like Statler and Waldorf. Perfect place to ground some bratty brats that think killing an intruder that's trying to kill them is the proper way to act on Christmas Eve.

Red Hood and the Outlaws decide it's up to them to save Christmas! Because the adults are dicks and totally uncool and never actually know what's really going on ever. Especially that stupid Green Arrow one! How dare he use Roy to make all of his weapons and then allow Roy to be his sidekick so that Jason Todd could make that "worst sidekick ever" joke in Red Hood and the Outlaws #1 but then it turns out Roy was never actually his sidekick at all because Roy hated him for stealing his ideas and quit before he could become Green Arrow's sidekick. Although I'm sure part of Roy's hatred for himself stems from the fact that after telling Oliver Queen to go fuck himself, he crawled back to him and fought crime by his side for a few years.

Thanks! But it's the Narration Boxes that usually do all the cluttering, Narration Box!

Instead of being some kind of Egg Nog Nightmare, it looks like the Outlaws are suffering some kind of super villain mind trap that's making them think they're little kids! I hope Kori and Roy didn't get a good look at Alfred dusting while they were inside Wayne Manor or they might start making connections that Batman won't be happy about.

The Outlaw Babies arrive at the North Pole to find it in chaos. A battle has taken place here! Again! Poor Santa Claus! He must hate modern pop culture and its incessant need to declare war on Christmas! I wonder if Lobo was just here? Or was it American Dad and his family? Oh wait! It was probably Suzie Su's gang! Or some other Red Hood enemy. Maybe one with mind control technology! Or a laser ray gun blaster that turns people into little kid versions of themselves.

I'm going to invent that Super Villain! And I'm going to name him Pederast!

Santa's reindeer have become rabid, so the Outlaw Babies put them out of their misery. Next they're probably going to have to battle a muscular elf with dual automatic rifles and a belt full of grenades!

They split up and while Roy gets his nuts cracked, Kori faces off against Mrs. Claus the Gingerbread Woman.

That's too bad because Starfire loves coming.

The actual real enemy is a being called Plytus, a Psion. Plytus used his (or her?) psionic powers to make the Outlaws drink drugged Egg Nog and then forced them on their Santa Claus hunting mission so that Jason Todd would come murder Plytus. I think. Maybe? I haven't read Chapter Four yet but I think this is the chapter where the villain explains the entire plan so the reader doesn't feel confused by the story.

Plytus was banished to Earth's arctic by Helspont because Earth's arctic region is the most foreboding, desolate, inhospitable place in the universe, I guess. Plytus just wanted to die and because it once tortured Starfire, it was able to mentally link with her or something and learn about Jason Todd's love of dealing death or something. So Jason Todd kills it and then threatens Helspont because Jason Todd is a bad-ass that knows a bullet can solve everything.

When Jason Todd points at Helspont in the camera, we get a bit of Old Portugese [sic]! And it's a direct message from Scott Lobdell! Here, finally, we get his real voice! It says, "Please add some interlac-style lettering inside the camera-circle. The JASON TODD only words we recognize RED HOOD and please add". Obviously the note was to the letterer and initially read "The only words we recognize, Jason Todd and Red Hood." But the letterer couldn't keep them in that position without ruining the flow of the text so he spaced them out a bit and then added some more from the beginning of the note. I'd like to thank the letterer, Travis Lanham, for inadvertently (or purposefully!) giving us evidence that Scott Lobdell is a lazy writer! Why not write the dialogue for those of us who translate all of the Old Portugese [sic]?! Instead you leave the dialogue up to the letterer?! Sure, other writers have done that as well and I think it's lazy. Anyway, one final page that everybody should love!

Ignore Blackfire's servile position and extremely huge and barely covered breasts for the moment...I know it's difficult...but how does Helspont know Jason Todd and his friends are referred to as "Outlaws" when Roy admitted last issue that he's the only one that calls them that? I guess we have to take the newest evidence as the real evidence and since Jason Todd described why they call themselves the outlaws this issue, that's the way things are.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #2 Rating: I saw a thing on Twitter the other day that I thought was funny. Molly Manglewood asked "If "manspreading" is assertion of male privilege, what is it when women establish a sprawling nomad encampment of bags across three seats?" Somebody replied that it was called "Feminesting." That's fucking clever! As you may have surmised, I'm don't want to talk about Red Hood and the Outlaws anymore. Maybe just a few more things! I just wish it had been a fever dream brought on by too much Egg Nog instead of a way to bring Helspont back. So does everybody think it's appropriate to bring back the villain that is supposedly the biggest threat to the New 52 DC Universe (well, you have to admit, he was at one time!) and pair him against Red Hood and the Outlaws? And I guess Blackfire is just along for the ride so she can look sexy and subservient? I can't wait!

Justice League Dark #37

This is my favorite Darwyn Cooke cover yet because it has Rac Shade on it. Kind of.

I've been rewatching the Friday the 13th movies over the last few days and it makes me nostalgic for the days when female nipples poked through shirts. We don't get enough of that in magazines and television and movies today. Nipples have been wiped off the face of the Earth thanks to photoshop and overly concerned mothers! Actually, it was probably overly concerned wives tired of their husbands watching Three's Company with their hands down their pants. And if I were one to notice (which I'm not because I'm all man!), some of the pants and shorts on those guys are pretty fucking snug!

I'd forgotten how truly boring and not very frightening the first movie was. Probably because I first saw it when I was ten years old, so I just thought it was terrifying. It has a variety of scenes that don't take place in the Camp and don't involve young, beautiful people, and aren't scary in the least. And those scenes are oddly compelling. Like when the police officer is in the diner flirting with the middle aged proprietor. Nothing fucking happens in this scene and I really don't know why it, and several other scenes, are included. It was almost (I'm not going to say "Lynchian" like everybody likes to say to describe something weird but I'll say something close to it!) Twin Peaksy. It could have been Dale Cooper sent out to investigate Camp Crystal Lake! Now I want to see that movie!

The second film was a little scarier but it's still the kind of scary reliant on a quick and gory death scene. The music ramps up just enough so that you know exactly when the blade is going to fall. The characters check the door that you're sure the killer will be behind, thus ensuring that the killer won't appear until the room is checked out and the door is closed again. The only time it gets somewhat scary is when it's down to the last woman (the Survivor!) and she's being chased by Jason.

In both movies, there was a moment that seemed to be leading up to a big, gory death scene but ends in just a cut away. Later, the victims are seen as corpses. I wonder if that was planned or if the special effect to kill the person just didn't come out right and so ended up on the cutting room floor?

I'm currently in the middle of Friday the 13th Part III in 3D! This is the era where 3D movies were written around the concept of 3D, so every few minutes, a character throws something or sticks something or knocks something directly into the camera. Even though it's not available in 3D on Netflix (why not?! I have old 3D glasses!), I still make certain to jump when a stick or weapon flies into my face, or act grossed out when a human eyeball or a rat nearly climbs out of my television screen.

The timeline for the movies is weird too! The first one takes place in 1980. Then the second one takes place five years after the 1980 massacre at Camp Crystal Lake. So it's kind of a sci-fi thriller! Taking place four years after the release of the movie! Then the third one takes place the day after the second one. So Saturday the 14th, I guess? Maybe this was a year that had two Friday the 13ths in a row. That happens sometimes, right?

Since this is technically a comic book blog, I should get around to talking about Justice League Dark. I think in this issue, we're going to find out what happened to Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (my favorite!).

Old people and unborn babies? Worst world ever!

Madame Xanadu, Deadman, and Black Orchid meet a winged man in a floating chair named Arif, Lord of Now. No, Lord of Now. No wait, now! No, now! Now?

I don't know. It's one of those nows. But only one of them! Arif points out that where he lives, there is only the one moment but it lasts for eternity and kind of acts like linear time, as everybody may have noticed by the fact that his sentence began with one syllable and ran through a whole bunch more syllables and then ended on a different syllable. Instead of, you know, all of the syllables being blatted out in a bunch. Because of the one moment. So instead of, "I am Arif, Lord of Now!", it probably would have sounded more like "💬!"

They're fed a meal? But if there is no later, how are they going to shit?

Imagine if you were about to sneeze and you were suddenly transported to the Land of Now! You'd spend eternity on the verge of sneezing. How would you get anything done?! What if Madame Xanadu had just sharted from fright as she entered the World of Now? Stuck forever with shitty panties! What if you were orgasming as you entered!? Awesome! And messy!

Madame Xanadu decides to cast a spell to find a way out. It works about as well as you'd expect an incantation that needs to be recited in linear time would work when attempted in a single moment.

There are laws to magic? Why bother?! I thought it was all shortcuts and freebies! You know, as long as you can find some sap to absorb the price.

Madame Xanadu wanders off to spend time with Arif, a guy she's known forever whom she just met. Deadman and Black Orchid decide to go investigate the Beyond Beyond, a place beyond places. No, more beyond. Beyonder than that! Way, way beyond!

Madame Xanadu's date is super boring. Especially since it's mostly Xanadu Narration Boxing how much fun she's having. You would think if there were only the one moment, they'd just get on with the fucking already.

Deadman and Black Orchid encounter a guardian keeping them from the Beyond Beyond. Well, that won't do! It's time for the big fight scene!

Before? Before when? Before now? But that was now!

Before the fight can finish, Deadman sees something coming out of the Beyond Beyond. I bet it's a magic sailing ship full of vampires and demons and monsters and swamp things!

Xanadu kisses Arif and he dies of old age. I knew Madame Xanadu would be the worst at kissing! I think she once did the same thing to Jason Blood! Maybe. I might just be making that up to ruin her reputation.

After Arif dies, Deadman and Black Orchid come surfing in on a big wave of Beyond. And Zatanna winds up in a tree or something.

Justice League Dark #37 Rating: No change. This was the worst chapter of them all "The Amber of the Moment" chapters so far! I didn't feel like I was in a timeless place at all! I just felt like I was in a place where people talked about time as if it didn't exist but it did exist and they were just too stupid to realize it. This issue did remind me that Black Orchid is fucking adorable with those freckles and eyelashes. Also, her name is Alba Garcia. Did we know that yet? Well now we do! No, now we do! No, now! Now?

Justice League Dark #36

Ugh. Who invited Felix to the party?

After falling victim to The House of Wonders (that's what it's called when The House of Mystery fucks the House of Secrets), Justice League Dark fell into some kind of vortex where they were transported to fantasy worlds. Or non-fantasy worlds. Or future versions of the worlds? I don't know for sure because I've only read Zatanna's story so far and she was transported into a magic world where her every thought became reality. I guess she landed on Fantasy Island. This issue, we'll find out where Ada, Andrew, Alec, and Frank went!

I guess it's a good thing none of these four need to breathe. Except maybe Alec but I think he can provide his own atmosphere.

Alec's main issue is that he's been cut off from The Green. That seems to be more important than breathing because he begins to wither. But Nightmare Nurse helps him with a spell (what problem can't be solved with a spell?), and everybody seems fine. Although for some reason Andrew Bennett begins worrying about the air and the cold. You know, two things that vampires don't give a shit about normally. He's such a wannabe human.

It turns out all that's left of Earth is a hunk of rock. But it seems to have normal Earth gravity because nobody is floating off into space.

Why do you have to blame people? It's been billions of years! It's the end of time! So many other things could have happened to the planet! Like the mice could have taken over and built nuclear cheese bombs and blown it up into millions of hunks of dead rock! Or, um, you know, the sun could have consumed it in its death bloat. But probably the mice.

After Bennett flies off to find an In-N-Out Burger, the rest of Justice League Dark are attacked by Felix Faust Cooties with disgustingly graphic sphincters.

How is this comic book not rated mature?!

Felix Faust appears to the Justice League Dark as the gross caterpillar thing on the cover. He pulls Swamp Thing inside himself to digest him and Nightmare Nurse dives in to save him. Faust believes he has the upper hand but he's forgotten the number one rule of large creatures fighting smaller creatures: never ingest them without chewing first. The whole thing where somebody explodes out of the stomach of somebody else hasn't happened for quite some time in The New 52, so it's almost as if it hadn't already been overdone just a few scant months after The New 52 began! And I guess from Felix Faust's perspective billions of years in the future, it's almost as if it were never done at all. So I don't blame him for forgetting that you never allow the enemy to get inside of you in one piece.

Anyway, Felix Faust learns the lesson the hard way, spilling Swamp Thing, Ada, and his guts all over the barren landscape.

Once Faust is down, Justice League Dark faces another problem!

Wait. Why is the lack of oxygen a problem for a demon, a vampire, and an undead freak? Just get in close to Alec! Doesn't his skin produce oxygen?

The real problem is that Faust was maintaining some kind of mystic shield to keep out the Langoliers. Nightmare Nurse heals him and he restores the protection. I guess they're at a standoff now, so they're going to have to work together. To do what? I don't know. Invent games to play to keep from going insane from boredom?

Faust bitches about how the worst thing of all is the loneliness. I beg to differ. How long would company have kept him sane? Remember how Dr. Suess said, "Hell is the others"? Having companions would have just been another kind of unbearable existence. The real problem is not having any stimulation. No music! No movies! No chocolate bars or doughnuts!

Meanwhile in the time that has lots of time left, Zatanna is also fighting the battle against loneliness. This issue has the same message as 9/10s of all Twilight Zone episodes: loneliness is the worst! I think Rod Serling was a very needy person. Zatanna begins working on a way to locate her friends so that she can regain her sanity by constantly bickering with them.

Yeah, dumb dumb! Where are you going to go? Bennett already discovered there were no In-N-Out Burgers here.

Nightmare Nurse suggests that they ride out the end of the universe in a protective spell and wait for a new universe to begin. That pisses off Felix Faust's father, Felix Faust, and an even bigger, more disgusting gut-caterpillar attacks. That makes sense because even in a pseudo-imaginary story like this one, Felix Faust can't have any kindness within him! It makes sense that the kindness came from one of his clones of himself.

Son of Felix Faust battles his father to give the others time to escape to the edge of the world and fling themselves out into the void! That sounds like a shitty escape plan. But I guess people dying at the end of time can't be choosers!

Justice League Dark sail away on a ship made of spells. And that's as much of their story as we'll get for now. Next month, Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (yay! I'll get to repeat my Haiku!) face their ordeal at the middle of time! That's the present, in case you were confused.

Justice League Dark #36 Rating: For a long time, I wasn't enjoying this comic book. But these last two issues have been enjoyable. So that's a good thing! And with this commentary, we reach the end of No Ratings November! The new rankings have been put up on the sidebar and, hopefully, I didn't miss any comics. Rank changes continue with the next commentary on Futures End #31!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12

Should Strife be hated or admired because she's good at her job?

How does the God of Ineptitude do his job? Doesn't he have to be the embodiment of ineptitude? So how does he make anybody inept if he's no good at his job?! I suppose he could be like that guy Schleprock on The Flintstones and he just strolls around town infecting everybody with his ineptness. What about the God of Impotence? Poor guy couldn't make any demi-gods!

Anyway, Superman is back from, supposedly, a black hole. But I'm not buying that! This might be a comic book but that doesn't mean it can posit completely ridiculous situations! Returning from a Black Hole is something they would have done on Perfect Strangers or The Brady Kids! I thought comic books wanted to be thought of as serious art? Well, you're not going to get any overly serious who-wants-to-hang-around-them-anyways assholes as comic book fans with plots like "Superman survives flying into a black hole!"

Now I have to look up that word! If it's not a real word, I'm going to be pissed that I exerted myself for no reason.

Oh wait! I get it! It's the transformation of a metaphor! I thought maybe it had something to do with the changing hormones of super heroes. Like maybe Wonder Woman was going through the change.

Speaking of The Change, does anybody know if it's okay for a guy to excessively touch his wife's hormone cubes which she takes for her menopause? I'm asking for Doom Bunny because he might be going through a change himself by the way he's constantly fiddling with his wife's cubes of hormones.

Wonder Woman was hanging out in Wembley Stadium because she needed to kick Giganta's ass. I don't know why Giganta was invading a soccer game. I suppose she had nothing better to do after Pandora's comic book was cancelled. Although I'm sure she'll get her job back when The Trinity of Sin begins later this month (actually which began already but I'm nowhere close to reading it yet!).

Earlier in the series, Superman gave Wonder Woman a flower from one of the creatures in his menagerie. I can't believe I didn't say how irresponsible and dangerous that was back in Issue #1! I was really off my game that day! Or I was concentrating on making a stupid joke that even I didn't understand when I reread the commentary later. But I should have been suspicious because as Wonder Woman was off fighting things and beating up The First Born and kicking Superdoomiac's ass, the flower turned into a betentacled zippered handbag. It sure is cute! I guess it had to grow its own form of locomotion since Wonder Woman forgot to oil it for months.

Why is Superman suddenly so touchy-feely? I think he got a taste for black holes! Wink wink! Nudge nudge!

Wonder Woman and Superman are immediately greeted by Wonder Woman's out of control flower as they walk in the door.

"...a zippered vagina?" No, seriously. Is that what a vagina looks like?

Audrey III runs away to guzzle gasoline while Superman and Wonder Woman give chase. She escapes into a gas pipeline which is when Superman reveals that the creature is Kryptonian. So he should have known that this would happen! You don't give somebody as busy as Wonder Woman a plant that needs oil on a regular basis or else it will turn into a rampaging monster! And yet, Superman blames Wonder Woman for forgetting to oil his thoughtless gift.

It's at this moment that Wonder Woman remembers she saw Strife on the cover and flies off to beat the fuck out of her.

Superman flies to Louisiana to see if the Swamp Thing can calm down Audrey III. Sheesh. Like every plant just automatically knows every other plant! No wonder Swamp Thing can't stand people. Superman explains how the flower is going to eat up all the oil and send the world back to the dark ages and Swamp Thing says, "Really? That's your argument to get me to stop it?"

But Wonder Woman arrives in time to explain that, as The God of War, she would be forced to send the world into a huge world war if Swamp Thing didn't help. She explains it as if the humans would be behind it themselves due to the chaos of a world changing so drastically but she's the God of War! Take some responsibility for your actions sometime, Diana!

Swamp Thing learns to speak Kryptonian, gets Audrey III to stop sucking down oil, and convinces her to come back to Louisiana to suck down something else. Probably Sweet Tea.

Actually, Superman convinces Wonder Woman to keep the stupid plant in her apartment because he's an asshole. Just accept that your gift sucked and take it back, you jerk! Don't put the onus on Wonder Woman to keep London safe from this stupid plant that shouldn't be out of the Fortress of Solitude even if it wasn't dangerous. You've heard of invasive species, right Superman?! This plant could already have dropped spores all over London! If that's the case, it's all over! I don't think Swamp Thing is going to be your little bitch boy every time these plants get out of control. Not that I don't think Wonder Woman isn't responsible enough to care for it! But she shouldn't have to be responsible! Just give her a gift card to Torrent!

So what was the metamorphic flower a metaphor for? Wonder Woman's angry love making? Superman's inability to give decent gifts? Wonder Woman's insatiable desire for lubricant? Superman's Kryptonian need to feed off of Earth's culture at the expense of Earth itself?! The flower was the metaphor, right? And aren't flowers always metaphors for vaginas?! This one even looked like a vagina! And it was angry! And it wanted oil! OH! So it is about Wonder Woman's need for lubricant to combat the generous amount of friction Superman is capable of making during the hokey poke-it!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12 Rating: No change. This was a fitting last issue for Charles Soule. Unless it wasn't his last issue. But I think it was his last issue. Stupid Marvel offering him buttloads of cash to only write for them. At least I'll still have She-Hulk!