Trinity #8

The Truth About Superman? Is the story about Ra's, Circe, and Lex over already? Did I miss it because it was so boring?

The Review!
The best thing about this comic book being written by Cullen Bunn is that I won't mind dropping it.

Nothing happens this issue. Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman discuss a recurring dream Superman has been having and then decide not to tell anybody else about it. Wow. I think I fucking jizzed my pants over that revelation. On top of nothing happening this issue, I didn't even get to find out what's going on with Ra's, Circe, and Lex! I especially wanted to find out why Lex is being included in "the biggest foes of the Trinity" when he's not a fucking villain anymore! Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter since that story just disappeared into the ether. But at least we got a boring story about Superman discussing a dream where he fights himself!

The Ranking!
-5! What a fucking huge waste of time. I hope the anonymous person who totally isn't Cullen Bunn but loves to tell me why Cullen Bunn's comics are super awesome lets me know why this one was so intelligent and well written!

At least, as always, Emanuela's art was nice to look at!

Trinity #6

Just in case you were wondering who the Trinity were (and you couldn't read more words than "Trinity" (I'm sure that's a thing!)), here they are on the cover!

The Review
Francis Manapul came up with this analogy concerning life and walls. He decided to make it into a story. The analogy went something like this: we build walls around us to keep out dangerous people, probably because our mother was overprotective. Even rock stars do it! But the walls also keep out good and kind people! So they're not really as great as we think they are. Francis thought, "Okay, okay! That's a great start. But what's the lesson?" Then he came up with the lesson after writing six issues. The lesson was that the walls, even though they protect our delicate psyches and fragile bodies, don't need to be knocked down completely. You just need one crack to let in the light! Hooray! Everything is better now and the judge that is actually a giant asshole can no longer tell you that you can't eat your pudding!

I bet Francis was super jazzed about this story idea until walls became associated with idiotic presidential claims. Now people will read Francis's wall analogy and think, "Yeah! Walls keep out the danger and keep us safe! Life is so much better! But I'm not too sure I like that idea about the crack in the wall. Won't some Mexicans get through that?!"

This was a mediocre comic book trying a new riff on the Pinocchio story. White Mercy has become a real girl because she learned all about loyalty from Wonder Woman, joy from Superman, and incapacitating obsession from Batman. Although, since her father is Mongul, it's probably her severe Daddy Issues that enabled her to become real in the DC Universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #4

This cover is perilously close to an upskirt. It would explain Wonder Woman's stance.

It's time for Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream where she learns the true power of the uterus! Unless she learns the true weakness of the prostate. Man that thing is weak. It's basically the part of the machine that would have had a factory recall if God fucking gave a shit after Day Six. I mean, God did give a shit after Day Six in that "I'm going to punish the fuck out of these things I've created" kind of way. But it's odd that God never went back to do an edit of Their original work. It's as if God thought They were too perfect to have made any mistakes. That doesn't sound like a perfect God at all! A perfect God would have double-checked Their work a number of times before declaring it was finished.

Although, if you think about Genesis for even half a second more than most Christians who are expressly told what to think about it (which is, coincidentally, exactly half a second), you have an example of God actually having a second go at creating something. First God creates humans and tells them to go forth and multiply. That's all of us non-Jewish heathen monsters (don't believe everybody was killed in Noah's flood! He wasn't the only fucking boat builder in the ancient world)! But then God was all, "You know what? I can make mankind better!" That's when God made Adam and Eve. Notice God didn't tell them to go forth and multiply. God practically told them exactly the opposite! God was all, "Don't learn about fucking, you dum-dums." And they were all, "What's fucking?" And God was all, "That tree wearing all black and smoking over in the corner can tell you. Don't hang out with that tree. Bad influence, that." So, really, the Jewish people are Humans 2.0. They were made from the Earth itself so it's like they're organic humans. All the other humans are like plastic containers.

I don't know how I got from Wonder Woman to gentiles are plastic containers. All I know is that I can't discuss our government trying to burn this country to the ground on this blog anymore. It's fucking killing me (not literally like it's going to be fucking killing minorities, first by not letting refugees into the country, second, possibly, by the government's own hands) but my brain can't be in that space all the time. I have the luxury for it not to be and maybe all this blog can be is be a momentary distraction or a brief respite from the monstrous decisions our "representatives" are making. Also from the idiots who seemingly have no problem with it like this person from my Twitter feed who is only on my Twitter feed because he's a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse: "If Trump was the fascist dictator some claim, he wouldn't build a wall, he would just invade or annex Mexico". So that seems to be the ground where Trump Defenders are making their stand. "I can't argue logically or rationally about the horrible actions of his first week, so let's get into the semantics of the term 'fascist dictator.'" Go fuck yourself.

Okay, back to the comic books and stupid jokes now. If I feel the need to point out that we civilians will pay the price of our government's actions when the rest of the world has to bomb the shit out of us because we're endangering the world with our terrible anti-everybody-else stance backed by a shit-megaton of nukes, I'll be doing it over on Twitter.

I don't think Diana knows how dreams work.

Dreams have a point of view. And as the protagonist of the dream (whether you're you or somebody else), you are in control of your thoughts and actions. They might not be the same actions you would choose while awake, or they may be stranger thoughts than you're used to having but they all come from your point of view as the protagonist of the dream. What you generally aren't "in control of" is the plot or the locale or the non-player characters. A dream doesn't have to be lucid for the person to be in control of their "character." Lucid just means you're aware that you're dreaming and can then take advantage of dream rules while ignoring the props and backdrop your subconscious has laid out before you. I frequently have sexual dreams where the person I'm about to get intimate with is not the Non-Certified Spouse. Sometimes in the dream, I'll be all, "I can't be doing this! I'm Non-Certifiably Married!" and it ruins the dream. Other times, I think, "Oh wait! This is just a dream! Up periscope, baby!" And sometimes, I'll just not know about my real-life relationships and I'll fuck the vampire until the sun reaches the vampire's head and we climax in a burst of flames!

Shut up. You have weird sex dreams too! Probably!

For some reason, this reminds me of my first sexual experience.

Superman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father live. Batman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father die. And now Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream is to find out the truth about her home and where she came from and whether or not the Amazons really did rape pirates. Probably not since Greg Rucka is in charge of the Amazon's past now. That guy isn't as keen on rape as Azzarello and Wolfman. I don't actually think Azzarello is keen on rape. Notice I didn't qualify what I think about Wolfman's views.

The Trinity wind up on Themyscira where they're confronted by Amazons.

So it's kind of like some dialect you have heard before? Thanks for the non-information, Batjerk.

Dream Diana saves Real Diana from the Amazons and the Amazons are all, "Fucking kids. You think you're so wise by stopping bloodshed! Pshaw! You'll soon learn!" Then Diana grows up and learns to kill because adults are just tired of dealing with shit. The end.

That wasn't the end of the comic book! That was the end of my side story about growing up! This story continues in the real world where Lois Lane didn't not hit Poison Ivy and her son with the truck when she crashed into the barn. Remember how last issue ended and I was all, "It’s just luck that she doesn’t run them over." Well, um....

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sort of. I mean, well, you know. I totally thought this is what should have happened!

So now Poison Ivy is probably crippled for life thanks to Lois's reckless driving through barn walls. I wanted to spell reckless as "wreckless" because that just seems more correct. I hope Lois remembers to get Poison Ivy to a hospital after this. I'm sure she has internal injuries and a possible skull fracture. Jon is fine though because Poison Ivy pushed him out of the way. She's a hero! A hero in a permanently vegetative state. That's a plant pun! I think!

Poison Ivy takes a hit from a car as well as I do because she's immediately up and punching Lois Lane in the kisser. I didn't punch the woman who hit me with her car but I did jump immediately back up and stand in front of her car so she didn't take off. Jerko hit-and-run monsters! Portland is full of them.

Back on Dream Themyscira, Queen Hippolyta proposes a challenge for the Super Friends. They must prove themselves in the arena! I don't know what they're trying to prove. That they have a right to be on the island? Because if that's what they're trying to prove, Superman and Batman will fail the Penis Challenge.

Luckily for Batman and Superman, the Penis Challenge doesn't take place. I suppose it's not needed since their costumes leave nothing to the imagination anyway. My guess is Batman is circumcised and Superman had multiple attempted circumcisions which ended up in the Kents having to bury another mohel in the field so he doesn't spread word about their uncuttable superbaby.

Wonder Woman is allowed to stay on the island but the men must go to the Dark Quarters. Hippolyta doesn't even ask them if they're men. She just sees the penises through the tight suits and assumes they're men. How ancient way of thinking of them!

Anyway, Wonder Woman chooses to go with her male allies into the Dark Quarters. That's like her dream subconscious where she'll discover the thing she needs to discover thanks to the Black Mercies. Young Dream Diana also manages to go with them, against the wishes of her mother.

The Super Friends make their way deeper into their subconscious worlds where they're attacked by something that is longer than it is wide. It's a sea serpent, you Freudian pervert!

The Super Friends are swallowed by the sea serpent and taken even deeper! Now they're in the sub-subconscious! It's full of lots and lots of things that are longer than they are wide!

Technically this is Diana's sub-subconscious. Apparently all she thinks about are penises. That's what happens when you're raised in a culture that bans them!

As you can see from the scan above, Batjerk has more thoughts on the dialect. But I guess those will have to wait.

Diana spends the next two pages chopping up the longer than they are wide things. I squirm unpleasantly while reading it.

When Diana hacks her way out of the sea serpent, she finds herself face-to-face with Mongul! What a shock! To nobody who reads comic books. I suppose it was a shock to the fake geek girls and the totally real geek boys who just happen to not know about Mongul's connection to the Black Mercies (which is totally understandable). The real surprise twist ending is that Mongul's daughter has come up with this plan. His daughter!? Mongul has a daughter!

I hope this revelation that Mongul has a daughter is brand new so that I don't look like one of those totally real geek boys who just happens to have a blindspot in my geek knowledge (which is totally forgivable). I suppose Mongul is still in the Phantom Zone so he had to have his daughter's help from the outside. Unless Mongul got out since Warworld got out. I have no idea what is going on anymore! Fucking Rebirth! It's like continuity is whatever anybody wants it to be! As if some naked blue nuclear man were altering reality in whatever way pleases him the most.

The Ranking!
+1! Mostly because I love me some Emanuela Lupacchino art!

Superwomans #4

Do women who fuck put "woman" in their super-name while the others use "girl"?

Fuck this comic book. The entire comic book was Lana Lang walking around talking to the ghost of New 52 Lois Lane and saying things like, "You're not here! You're a ghost! I need my medication!" But the ghost spent the whole time not exactly saying she's not a figment of Lana Lang's imagination so Lois might be in the same fourth dimensional prison as Lex Luthor. Who can tell? Not me! I was too angry at every word that didn't advance the plot to pay attention. Which is weird because usually I like when stories spend time building characters through slow moments and dialogue. It's just I'd rather not have that dialogue be with a ghost and most of it concerned with being refutations of the current experience. I had enough of this shit with twenty issues of Doctor Fate!

What Did We Learn?
We learned I have no patience for this grief bullshit masquerading as entertainment. I have no patience for Lana Lang dealing with mental illness and grief and relationship troubles and Lena Luthor and some overarching scheme that is so confusing a character named Traci 13 shows up to not explain it very well. I suppose I don't recognize Traci 13 because she was created in 2003 which is right around when I stopped reading comic books and entered The Great Hiatus. I have no patience for the city of Portland that completely shuts down because of a foot of snow because the city refuses to plow or ice the streets and just leaves thoroughfares covered in cobblestone ice. I need to get out of this house!

The Ranking!
No change because I realize I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to judge anything. Except the art. The art by Emanuela Lupacchino is top notch.

Superwomans #3

Stupidly happy while reclining on a cloud? Shouldn't she be sitting on Lois's corpse?

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Another female superhero with anxiety!
Another female superhero with anxiety who?
Another female superhero with anxiety who is also ashamed of taking medication for a mental issue who also has a judgmental boyfriend who constantly admonishes her for the choices she makes!

The Ranking!
-1! Well, it took longer than I thought for me to stop giving a shit about a super-powered Lana Lang comic book. Three whole issues! I was probably too distracted by the super-powered Lois Lane in the first issue and then I was too overwhelmed by the onslaught of words in all of the issues to realize how much I never wanted to read about super-powered Lana Lang. It's already bad enough that she's just another genius (along with her boyfriend and her niece) in the DC Universe. Nobody seems to know how to write a really intelligent character. They just label the character genius so that they can get away with the character being able to do anything the plot demands if the character is to succeed. Hell, Jason Todd even hacked LexCorps in just a few minutes in Red Hood because he knew a genius! And if Lana Lang, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's niece aren't enough geniuses for you, have I got good news for you! Lex Luthor is also in this comic book! But mostly his genius is used to show how even more genius his sister, Lena Luthor, has become! Geniuses everywhere! Oh, plus that thing about Lana Lang suddenly developing some kind of mental disorder. Oh! And she's dying! So major drama there, I guess?

At least Atomic Skull wasn't a genius! I felt bad for him though because Lana called him weird. That was rude. I was hoping she would kiss him on his lips. I mean the part of the skull where his lips should be. What's going on with the rest of his body? Is it normal? A purple flaming skeleton? How does he get busy with the atomic ladies?

Oh! P.S. Lena Luthor is now bald and wearing Lex's green and purple battle suit. Plus she's constantly surrounded by a battalion of Bizarronesses. So this comic book is at least trying to be somewhat sexy.

Supergirl Rebirth #1

This is not the end I'm excited to see back!

The Review!
Tonight while playing Call of Duty, a friend of my cousin's thirteen year old son joined our chat. His gamer tag was Marshall Law or something. At one point, he said, "Reading Rainbow," and my friend KCBlueGal began singing the theme song. So he said, "Ha ha! You're old! It was an old trap! You're old!" Which is, you know, annoying because he joined our party and should have some manners. So I said, "You already fell into the young trap by being an idiot." So then he kept bothering everybody to play another game and my cousin's son told him he'd play with him after the game we were playing. So finally we finished and my cousin's son said, "Okay, let's go play whatever," and he left the party leaving his friend. So I said, "Yeah, go sit around and say 'der' to each other." So Marshall said, "You're mean and I don't like you!" before leaving the party. I wanted to tell him, "You started it!", but then remembered I was supposed to be the old one. So instead I felt some accomplishment in knowing the lyrics to Reading Rainbow's theme song. Also in mocking a young kid! I think I probably mostly felt accomplishment in that! He was pretty fucking annoying. And ageist too! Oh, um, Supergirl is going to be totally awesome because it takes place in high school and high school drama is the best drama. Often it involves teenagers mocking adults which is totally hilarious! I mean, um, when it happens to other adults. My feelings are still hurt even if I put up a tough front. Oh! Marshall also said he'd rather be an idiot and young than old! I can't wait until he's an old idiot! Ha ha! Except then I'll probably be dead. Dammit! He wins again!

The Commentary!
Finally! Supergirl's bum is back! And it's going to be drawn by Lupacchino! At least in this first issue. Judging by the art in the Supergirl advertisements, it'll definitely be somebody else who is going to draw her butt too cartoony to be sexy. If that's true, I hope Emmanuela takes every opportunity she can to draw some sexy close-ups of Supergirl's bum!

This comic book is probably going to be its own thing and not a clone of the television series because this isn't the Supergirl comic book being written by Sterling Gates that's based on the television show. But DC is keeping it close enough so that fans of the television show won't be confused when they pick this up. They might be a little concerned that Eliza Danvers, Supergirl's mom, is the one working for the DEO instead of her sister. But they'll probably seen DEO Director Cameron Chase and think, "Oh? Didn't Charisma Carpenter play her in the show? But she wasn't director? Is that really Martian Manhunter under those boobs?"

Supergirl lost her powers at the same time Superman did because...well, I don't want to remember that. It was a dark time in the Superman Mythos which was stupid and stupider. It's better if we all just quietly agree to never mention it again. This issue begins with the DEO firing Supergirl into the sun in the hopes that it will restore her powers. And I imagine it'll work or else this comic book wouldn't be called "Rebirth." It would probably be called "Oops!"

Kara's father is also a DEO agent who isn't dead at all. Their names are Jeremiah and Eliza Danvers and they probably won't survive this issue. Supergirl's ship is using some kind of "Phantom" drive so you know what that means! Lars Lars-on, the horrible monster from Argo City with the Red Kryptonite problem who was locked away in the Phantom Zone, will probably return to cause trouble and not understand what socialism actually is.

Lars Lars-on arrives to blame the wrong people for his current situation. Also, he seems to be a Kryptonian Werewolf.

As Werewolf Lars Lars-on tears the DEO seventeen new assholes, Supergirl flies into the sun and doesn't die. The experiment worked! She's free to flash that bum all over the world again!

I hope Lars Lars-on doesn't just kill Supergirl's parents. I hope it remembers to kill Mike-hole the girlfriend stealing dickpoo too.

Supergirl manages to travel from the sun to the Earth in about ten seconds which isn't enough time for Lars Lars-on to murder her parents. Now how is she supposed to learn about great power and great responsibility and justice! She might as well just learn about hugs and compassion and peace and love! Ptui!

Luckily for Lars Lars-on, his monster tongue enables him to speak rudimentary Kryptonian so Kara is able to calm him down by speaking reasonably with him and in a reassuring tone. She hardly punches him at all! What is this? Some kind of peace and love freak out?! What kind of superhero talks to the bad guys and clears up miscommunications through reasonable means and rational dialogue? Harrumph!

I do like that Kara is wearing a skirt again instead of that weird Kryptonian diaper she wore in The New 52.

Supergirl resists killing the Kryptonian Werewolf just like every werewolf hunter ever should do. And instead of sending him to The Phantom Zone because nobody can think of a solution that keeps the full moon from shining on him once every thirty days, Kara decides he can live in the basement of the DEO until they find him a cure. It's also possible they shoved him in a plastic bubble and medically induced a coma. Hopefully that's not what happened because that's practically just like being in the Phantom Zone.

Kara's parents have only been her parents for a couple of weeks but it's now their job to teach her how to be human. Good! She needs it! Up until now, she thought punching people in the face was an appropriate way to greet them! Maybe she'll also learn that fwashing her vagina at every super villain that comes along is sure to give her a bad reputation...as the most fun party hero in the DC Universe! I guess with her new DEO Family, Supergirl's stories won't be like every third Twilight Zone Episode: all about loneliness.

Based on the pacing of the New 52 Supergirl series, I can see it taking place in just a few months. Now how that fits into the rest of The New 52 continuity, I'm not going to understand even if I try to guess at it which I won't because continuity criticism is for nerds.

Supergirl is now beginning her new life as Kara Danvers, age 16, sophomore at National City Technical High School! She is going to fwash so many guys! And hopefully some girls too!

Meanwhile on the ruins of Argo City, Cyborg Superman displays a penchant for robot necrophilia. I think.

Because this is the end of my commentary, this is usually where I post a picture of Supergirl's rear end and call it a bum. But since Emanuela failed to draw even one shot of Supergirl's bum this issue, here is Cameron Chase's instead.

Starfire #7

Am I the only one who thinks dirty thoughts when I see Starfire's index finger glinting?

I don't have any thoughtful things to say about the death of David Bowie. I never needed him. Just like I never needed Kurt Cobain. Or whomever people laud because they inspired people to be themselves. I suppose if Gonzo the Great ever dies, I'll break down and become the same kind of mess as fans of Bowie and Cobain. I do wish I could have appreciated David Bowie more but I just don't feel intense connections to people I don't know. Or people I do know. I do feel that with cats though! I was sad to hear that he died in a way that was more sad than when I usually hear a celebrity dies because I think we, the public, knew him more than one can usually know a celebrity. He did what he did not because of a well though out public relations plan to garner as much of an audience as possible to increase his wealth. He did what he did because that's what he was going to do no matter how many people fell in love with it. It's why I mentioned Cobain as well. They're artists that I didn't need and never fell in love with but I can appreciate from a distance. There's still a chance I'll fall in love with David Bowie sometime in the future and be incredibly sad that I didn't feel the same thing when he was alive. It's happened before with Walt Whitman (except for the part about him ever being alive while I was alive. It's just I never needed him and then, one day, I found a large percentage of what he wrote makes me weep). I don't think it will ever happen with Kurt Cobain. Lemmy wasn't on the list either (although he might be closer to my true hero, Gonzo, than any of the others). But there's a definite chance it'll happen with David. "Starman" and "Life on Mars?" are already indelibly printed on the earworm of my brain thanks to Walk Hard and American Horror Story: Freak Show. And I once wrote a parody of "Space Oddity" for one person, my friend Doom Bunny, whose brother once stuck him in a garbage can when he was little. You might already be seeing the parallels there.

In memory of David Bowie, this commentary will just be an hour of silence. So leave the page open for an hour and shut the fuck up.

Okay, you know what? That's probably a bad idea. Maybe I'll just say "fuck" less than I usually do.

Previously in Starfire, she made out with a dolphin and now she can speak it's language. Lucky dolphin.

That's a lousy fucking definition of time, you ignorant strumpet!

I'm not using "strumpet" as an insult in the previous caption but just as a factual noun that is based in fact and is a noun. Ignorant is sort of an insult but mostly justified in that she defined time as "a thing that prevents everything from happening at once." How could everything happen at once simply because time didn't exist? I mean, I'm not going to orgasm at the same time I stick my dick in somebody's mouth? No wait. That's usually exactly what happens. I'm sure I can think of a better analogy but I'm bored with this train of thought now. Let's move on to the next step in the logical progression of cause and effect which is changing the fucking subject.

Sol is in the Dolphin Friend Zone! Which isn't the worst place to be positioned in Starfire's life because she did suck face with the dolphin already.

Who thought "sucking face" was a good description of kissing? I bet one of the Universal Monsters coined it, right? Maybe the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Starfire misunderstands some more English because she's cute and innocent but also provides complete sexual satisfaction which is what all heterosexual guys really want. They want a woman whose personality they can ignore while projecting their own idealized personality onto the woman while the woman performs lots of nasty sex deeds to their body like, um, touching the water willy or readjusting his faulty stabilizers. Heterosexual women might also want that but I wouldn't know because I almost always simply hear what I want to hear when a heterosexual woman is speaking to me. Although I think woman just want a guy who is able to take care of himself and also has a satisfying cock that works perfectly with her vagina. Although sometimes the cock part of the deal is so good that women will put up with a guy who obviously needs a mother. And a car. And a job. On the plus side, he'll already own the video game system and probably the bong.

Starfire and Sol are headed out to dinner on a sunset cruise ship. Also on that ship? Some spy! The reason the spy is important? Dick Grayson is after him! Uh oh! It looks like Dick is going to get in the way of another woman's sex life! He previously ruined Barbara Gordon's deflowering when he crashed Alysia's wedding. Now he's going to spoil Sol's chance at dolphin sex.

Uh-oh! Now Starfire knows how to speak "playa"!

Sol likes to think about his dead wife when he makes out with hot aliens which seems a little weird. Maybe he doesn't like to do that but his brain makes him do that anyway. It probably has something to do with mourning although I don't regularly think of my dead cat Judas when I masturbate. Yes, the "regularly" in that sentence is important.

All hell breaks loose thanks to Dick Grayson and the spies he was spying on. It's confusing because I think the artist screwed up and made Dick in disguise get on the getaway boat when he really didn't. Unless I'm just terrible at reading comic books which I don't think I am or else why would somebody have given me the title of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

"Somebody" includes "me" so it's accurate.

Starfire recognizes Dick even while he's using his Hypnos so they're probably going to fuck. I remember a time when the New 52 was new and I was really excited to find out how Dick and Kory knew each other and what kind of relationship they had and how many different positions they used. But now all of that has worn off like the hymen on a man's ass after a drunken night in a San Francisco Turkish bathhouse. Some of that previous statement might have a few factual errors but you still might understand the sentiment.

Starfire helps Dick retrieve the briefcase he was after by floating above him while she watches him fight and fingers her clutch purse.

It's called "having an orgasm." I think.

Starfire blows Dick. Stupid period. You don't belong there! Stop ruining my sentences for a cheap laugh! Hmph. As I was trying to say, Starfire blows Dick's Spyral mission by destroying the gadget he was after. It was something that could be used as a weapon so she did the right thing. Dick knows she did he just doesn't want to get the kind of tongue lashing he's going to get from Matron that is different than the kind of tongue lashing he wants to get from the Matron. You know the kind! The kind that involves his butthole!

And then Starfire and Dick Grayson decide to relive their Marv Wolfman days.

But...you know...with better writers.

Starfire #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let's face it: sex sells. I think. Is that really true? I mean, I know it sells in places like Las Vegas and Reno and Tijuana. But does it really sell products that have nothing to do with sex at all? Why would people see a commercial for golf balls that stars two men fucking in the shower in the club locker room and think, "Yes! I need Titleist!"? Maybe I should stick to saying things I know are true instead of cliches like "sex sells." Although if I only wrote true things, my commentaries would simply be the name of the comic book and one sentence that reads "Scott Lobdell's writing is awful." Would posts like that, two to three times per day, hold anybody's interest for very long? I for one can't get enough reminders of how horrible Scott Lobdell's writing ability is! I wonder if somebody sells a 365 day calendar of that?

Starfire #6

Remember the good old days when cartoons about rapey skunks were appropriate for all ages? I really miss those days.

Pepe le Pew wasn't actually a rapist. He suffered from a mental illness (unless it was a fetish?) that caused him to only be attracted to females who weren't attracted to him. It's also possible he was simply addicted to huffing paint which is why he only ever chased that cat that was always getting white paint all over it. Also he was French which makes being overly sensual okay for some reason.

I just realized something about Pepe le Pew that I never thought about before! Was making him a skunk and a Frenchman a comment about their extreme body odor?!

This issue begins with a flashback. Sol's Penis is remembering his wife, Maria's Nostalgia. It is hard to remember all of the characters in this book because the men all look like Dick Grayson. Maybe I am face-blind when it comes to men because I am not sexually attracted to them. My mind is all, "There are no boobies attached to that face. Next." The flashback is about the last time Sol's Penis ever kissed Maria's Nostalgia. Then she went out into the ocean and drowned.

Back in the present, Starfire's Vagina is punching Soren's Boner because he hurt Sol's Penis. That's a mouthful! Wink, wink!

How come I have never been invited to an orgy? Do people have dip at orgies? I want some dip.

As Starfire's Vagina holds Soren's Boner's head underwater, she telepathically receives more of his memories. All of them are about murdering people. But he does it on accident! Well, not really on accident. But not on purpose, anyway. See, he has a brain tumor and I think that's enough explanation for that. He can also cure cancer magically by storing it in his brain tumor!

I do not think Sol's Penis got consent to put his mouth on Soren's Boner.

Meanwhile that Alien's Anatomy whose name I cannot remember has come to Earth to kill Starfire's Vagina. He will probably be unsuccessful at that but he will probably succeed at interrupting Starfire's Vagina's mating ritual with Sol's Penis. I cannot wait for that scene because Starfire's Vagina will probably do a lot of that thing where she imagines figurative sayings literally. I wish I knew more dirty sex sayings so I could guess what she might imagine but the filthiest sex phrase I know is "Missionary Position."

This time she knows exactly what she is saying.

Alien's Anatomy decides to attack Starfire's Vagina as she is stuffing pancakes into herself. Hopefully defeating this guy does not remind Starfire's Vagina of home because I do not want to read about another journey to Tamaran. Those trips are always the worst. Especially when they are written by Marv Wolfman or Scott Lobdell.

The battle ends quickly because Starfire's Vagina does not take shit from anybody. She wipes the floor with the bounty hunter (front to back, of course!).

Ha ha! For once, she is not taking a phrase literally! She is so crazy.

Starfire's Vagina puts the bounty hunter back on his ship and into his sleep tank then sets the ship's course for somewhere else. Whew! That was close! Starfire's Vagina recognized the ship as being from Tamaran but she resisted the temptation to visit home! She's starting her life over and part of that is, hopefully, never again thinking of Tamaran!

While Starfire's Vagina sends the ship back into space, Dick Grayson's Perfect Ass arrives at the airport and immediately thinks, "Oh hey! My sex-girlfriend lives here! Porn music noise! Also 'sex-girlfriend' is a portmanteau of 'sexy' and 'ex-girlfriend' in case that was confusing or anybody listening to me thought I was merely referring to Starfire's Vagina as being a sex toy and not the passionate and intelligent vagina that she truly is."

Starfire #6 Rating: No change. This comic book was not about a horny skunk trying to have sex with Starfire because she accidentally got a white stripe painted down her ass. I was quite disappointed. It also could have been about Starfire pursuing Pepe le Pew because his head caught on fire and Starfire mistook him for a Tamaranean male! Also his head probably didn't need to be on fire for Starfire to want to have sex with Pepe. She is so horny. I think the 1985 Who's Who entry on Starfire looks like this:

Real Name: Koriand'r
Occupation: Sex
Marital Status: Sex
Known Relatives: That Blackfire whore
Group Affiliation: Sex
Base of Operations: Bedroom (or wherever)
First Appearance: Sexpots of Space #68
Height: Lying down Weight: Reverse Cowgirl
Eyes: Intense Contact During Oral Hair: Full of semen

History
Boy does Starfire like sex! Like, really really likes sex! A lot!

Powers & Weapons
Sex! Have you not been paying attention?!

Starfire #5

Under the sea! Starfire's Vagina is better when she is wetter! Take it from me!

Starfire's Vagina is currently on a mating ritual with Dick Grayson Look-a-like. Starfire's Vagina is all, "I am very literal because that is always a totally hilarious way to seem innocent and adorable. Especially when it is coming out of the sexiest body in the DC Youniverse. I am the epitome of the child-woman that every man secretly wants but only Japanese men admit to." Dick Grayson Look-a-like is all, "I do not know how to say things which will not wind up being misunderstood." And Starfire's Vagina is all, "Where do you wind up the misunderstanding? I do not see a key anywhere at all?"

I hate people who give cheesy prepackaged toasts.

Starfire's Vagina says her own toast she learned about women in thong underwear. Then she has to ask about thong underwear instead of doing that thing where she imagines a picture of a naked woman with a sandal shoved into her privates. Dick Grayson Look-a-like's Boner is all, "Hello! I'd like to make a toast! To honor! Once you're on her, stay on her! BOOOOOIIIIINNNGGGG! Woop! Woop woop woop woop wooop!"

Dick Grayson's Look-a-like's Boner is too much to type every time so I should probably just call him by his real name: Soren's Boner.

Starfire's Vagina touches Soren's Boner and he accidentally shares a memory with her telepathically. Starfire's Vagina finds that Soren's Boner is a doctor who has magic cancer healing powers! But the magic cancer healing powers are killing Soren's Boner! And they're sending him into psychotic rages where he murders people on cruise lines or beats the crap out of people trying to help him or forces him to carjack people and hide their bodies in the trunk. Maybe some of those aren't due to the tumor growing in his brain and are just things he occasionally likes to do to relieve stress or to get a free vehicle.

Soren's Boner gets embarrassed because Starfire's Vagina saw too much and he runs away just as Atlee's Butthole arrives. Atlee's Butthole thinks that Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill should be told all about Soren's Boner but Starfire's Vagina doesn't want to get a potential sex partner in trouble with the law. So instead Starfire's Vagina just swims naked and thinks about spelunking up Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill's ass.

It's not obscene to show the inside of an asshole? Because I'm super turned on now!

Some other stuff happens that probably doesn't matter. Like a new character named Kragg Gorn Kee is introduced and he's a total psycho maniac bad-ass but also a family man. Also he might not be a new character but fuck if I've ever heard of him. Then Starfire's Vagina gives birth to a baby whistling star and sets it free. The next morning she gets dressed for a job interview but it's for an aquarium and not for a strip club so she isn't allowed to dress however she wants. Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill tells Starfire's Vagina a bunch of lies about men and boobs. She's all, "You have to hide your breasts or else men will act dumb!" That is so stupid. Do not hide your breasts on my account, women. I am all for shirts that do not cover the breasts. I will act very smart around exposed boobs! I will also masturbate in private later thinking about how awesome they were. Although if I saw lots and lots of different boobs every day, I'd probably find them mundane and not titillating at all! Eventually we'll get to a place where it's just as normal for women to go topless as it is for men. But there will be an interim period where men are masturbating a whole lot more than they already are. I'd rather see more exposed butts. But only fit butts! Please put on some clothing if your butt isn't fit because if I see it I will expect you to apologize to me because it's practically like stepping on my toes. And you all know how that goes! If you offend me for any reason, it's your fault and you'd better apologize, gross butt person!

At her interview, Starfire's Vagina doesn't answer the questions to the employer's satisfaction. She is all, "I have no experience or visa or social security number or work history or humanity." And he is all, "Would you like to see the dolphins?" I hope Starfire's Vagina kisses a dolphin so she can learn their language!

That dolphin's mouth is all over Starfire's Vagina! Also it's a female dolphin so that makes it even sexier. If you're a guy. Or a lesbian. Or a woman who wants guys to think she's wild. Or a dolphin.

The employer is ecstatic that Starfire's Vagina can speak dolphin now that she's made face with it. Is that a sexy make out saying? "Made face"? Anyway, the aquarium guy wants to hire Starfire's Vagina immediately so that she can kiss all of the aquatic animals in the place!

Later, Starfire's Vagina attends a party where Sol's Penis cannot stop staring at her. Rave's Libido can't stop staring at Sol's Penis. I don't remember who Rave's Libido is but she's another attractive person. Only attractive people live in Key West unless they're a responsible man and then they can look goofy and bald and chubby. Maybe older woman can look, um, "authentic" as well. But if you're young and female in Key West, you must be the sexiest person alive. Most of the young men are hot and sexy too but I had to ask a woman who was passing by if they were hot and/or sexy because I'm a full blown man who can't tell those kinds of things. Sometimes my penis twitches when a hot guy passes by but that's only because I'm thinking about the hot women he gets to have sex with.

Why is Starfire's Vagina not imagining a party pooping?

When Kori's Vagina gets back to her place, she finds Sol's Penis in a pool of blood and Soren's Boner sitting next to him. I'm glad that battle happened off panel!

Starfire #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I used to constantly imagine everything I read as a video game. And this was back when video games mostly sucked so my imagined games were way past the cutting edge of actual games. One game I imagined playing that wasn't based on anything I read was one where I was the last person on Earth and all you did in the game was break into abandoned houses and rummage through other people's things. That would be a really fun game. But I think this Starfire comic book would be a fun game as well. You would live in Key West fighting the occasional weird thing that happens but on your down time, you would try to get a job, drink a lot, have as much sex as possible as your landlord clucked her tongue at you, and had to earn experience to recognize things like forks and potato peelers. Although let's be honest. I, at least, would probably just strip Starfire down to her underwear and try to bang everybody I met. Come to think of it, that's all this comic book should be about! It's okay right now but that would really bring it up to the level of something like V for Vendetta or Elfquest.

Starfire #4

I can't wait to see what kind of wacky hijinks Starfire's vagina gets up to this issue.

Last issue, Starfire's Vagina met a new friend from the Underworld named Atlee's Butthole. She's a superhero too! But she has lived in the dark all of her life while Starfire's Vagina has lived in the sun her entire life! So they're complete opposites! I hope they become roommates so that they can constantly argue about the correct way to live in an apartment with another person. Starfire's Vagina will be all, "We must keep the shades up all of the time, especially when we are disrobing or walking naked out of the shower!" And Atlee's Butthole will be all, "We must always turn off all of the lights and never open any windows ever and also maybe dig a hole in the backyard to sleep in." Along with Starfire's Vagina's inability to comprehend anything, the comic book will become the most hilarious sit-comic book ever! I'm also hoping for a crazy love triangle between Atlee's Butthole, Starfire's Vagina, and Sol's Penis.

Currently the Best Friends From Opposite Ends are battling a subterranean monster called a Chida. It grows bigger any time it is hit with a starbolt so Starfire's Vagina is completely useless against it. But Atlee's Butthole might have some tricks up its sleeve!

Atlee's Butthole has a nice set of sleeves.

The Chida Monster has been sent to kill Atlee's Butthole because she refused to marry for political reasons. Atlee's Butthole is all, "What kind of cheap floozy would marry somebody she didn't love when the person she truly loved was standing right next to her begging her not to get married? Okay, maybe not begging exactly but looking super miserable while his mute friend with the huge sideburns looked on and signed, 'You stupid fucking asshole! Speak up already! Stop this travesty of a ceremony! Stop being such a spineless jerk and tell your true love how you feel!' Could you imagine how much pain that trampy tart would cause to her lover and all of her friends back home?! I could never do something so despicable!" But the Chida Monster just shrugs and continues to try to kill her because he doesn't understand love and probably never will because he's a monster and only Belle loves monsters and she's already married.

Atlee's Butthole creates a giant fist out of rock which throws the Chida Monster many miles to the west where Starfire's Vagina is waiting to catch it so that she can drown it in the Big Gulp of Mexico. Once Atlee's Butthole expels the Chida Monster from Key West, she explains her origin story to Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill.

Atlee's Butthole came from an underground kingdom to wag her finger at humans and tell them to stop ruining the Earth. She lived with Power Girl's Boobs for awhile which explains the Boob Window in her costume. But Power Girl's Boobs wasn't human herself, so Atlee's Butthole moved to Key West where it could barely survive by working as a waitress, leaving her no time to wag her finger at the humans.

Meanwhile, Starfire's Vagina shoots the Chida Monster until it grows too big to swim and sinks it to the bottom of the ocean and even lower because it lands in a crack in the ground. The story is only halfway over though. So I guess now Starfire's Vagina can have some hilarious misunderstandings because her grasp of English isn't as good as her grasp of doing it.

Oh Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill!

Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill is probably just scared that Atlee's Butthole is going to steal the Sheriff's new best friend, Starfire's Vagina. I'm sure she doesn't have to worry since Starfire's Vagina has enough love to accept everyone into her warm embrace (especially Sol's Penis!).

Oh! I forgot there was another plot thread lying around the island. The evil Dick Grayson Look-a-like who killed the crew of a cruise ship is up to no good which is a bad thing because people in Key West hate having to deal with not good things. It's practically why they live there. He kidnaps some guy for probably nefarious and possibly sexy purposes with his hypnotism powers. And that's all the time this issue has for Evil Dick Grayson! Now it's time to look at Starfire's Vagina and Atlee's Butthole in their bikinis.

Sol's Penis is probably going to steal some of Starfire's Vagina's underwear.

Meanwhile on Tamaran, Komand'r has hired an interstellar tracker to find her sister, Koriand'r's Vagina. Sheriff McBuzzkill will probably not like that.

Back in Key West, Starfire's Vagina tries to shower with Sol's Penis, eats a Philly Cheesesteak for the first time, runs into Handy Man Eye Candy, and possibly ruins Handy Man Eye Candy's relationship with his girlfriend. It's all done quite innocently because Starfire's Vagina doesn't know any better (which is the best way to not know things). Finally she meets Evil Dick Grayson who introduces himself as Soren which is a good thing because I forgot his name. He offers Starfire's Vagina a beer which Atlee's Butthole informed Starfire's Vagina last issue was a mating ritual. I hope that means next issue will be twenty pages of adult material!

Starfire #4 Rating: No change. This comic book is absolutely beautiful. The characters are all gorgeously rendered. The backgrounds are never lacking in detail. The colors are vibrant. The letters are all placed in the correct order so that I can read the words they represent. It's worth the cover price just to look at it. The writing is doing everything I need a comic book writer to do and I can't complain. The cast of characters is diverse and interesting. Plot threads are lying all over the place waiting to be picked up. And I suppose if you're willing to forget how long Starfire has actually been on Earth and how much she should have already picked up by now, Starfire is a likeable fish-out-of-water character, even if she comes off as a little dumber than she probably is. She's sweet and friendly. She's innocent not in the way you'd think of a child being innocent but in the way that she isn't restrained by cultural mores or guilt. She's not quick to see malice in anybody's actions and she's eager to help. Even if this Starfire has some characteristics that could be seen as flaws by long time fans of the character, I think it's refreshing to have a non-grim, non-angry, non-macho-bullshit super hero that sees the kindness in people and just wants to help her new community.

Starfire #3

I hope that monster loves to eat clothes.

Starfire's Vagina is busy trying to find sexual partners in Key West. So far, she's been unsuccessful because her friend, Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill, stopped her from ruining Handy Man Eye Candy, and the other guy Starfire wanted to deprave is still mourning his dead wife. But not to fear, Starfire's Vagina! A new male character that looks suspiciously like Dick Grayson has just been rescued at sea! His name is Soren Hook's Penis and I bet he's going to be really pleased to meet you!

Holey Moses does he talk sexy! I think my butt just popped a boner!

Soren Hook's Penis is actually a bad guy with some kind of mind-control powers. I don't think that's a dealbreaker for Starfire's Vagina. Being an alien who doesn't even realize that cats and dogs aren't born from the sky in terribly rainy weather, Starfire's Vagina is allowed to make mistakes like depraving evil lunatics and murderers. She can just say, "Oh, did I do that?!" Then the studio audience will laugh and laugh because she didn't know any better! Although I don't remember Balki's catchphrase when he made a mistake due to being super foreign so I used Steve Urkel's catchphrase instead. That probably didn't confuse anybody, right?

Starfire's Vagina is helping Sheriff McBuzzkill's Brother Sol's Penis clean up after the hurricane. Starfire's Vagina points out that a race of gnomes were some of the earliest explorers in the galaxy which must be why Earth's garden gnome statues love to travel so much. Another reason Earth's garden gnome statues love to travel so much is because a lot of Earthlings who think they're unique and awesome and fun-loving crazy whackos saw Amelie and decided they were going to be super unique snowflakes by copying something from a movie that they found adorable and quirky. The only punk rock gnome travel agents are those that inspired the writer of Amelie to use it in his movie. After that, stealing garden gnomes and sending them on trips became so derivative and lame that a traveling gnome is now a sidekick of a corporation that thinks they're hip and groovy.

Next, Starfire's Vagina learns about Hemingway's cats which is more interesting than learning about Hemingway's writings. Although Sol's Penis doesn't mention how much Hemingway loved to let his six-toed cats knead his penis area. That might be a lie I made up in my imagination after being told it by Dave Sim. Although it could have come from Gertrude Stein! I should write a pilot for a sitcom about Ernest and Gertrude sharing an apartment in Paris. And maybe Pablo could live upstairs in the spare room!

Starfire's Vagina needs to find a job to cover her bills now that she has a place to stay. Key West should pay her simply for protecting them and walking around the island looking beautiful. But first I guess the island needs something to protect it from! That's where the monster from the cover and Soren Hook's Penis come into play!

Ha ha! She knows so little!

Starfire's Vagina decides to go into town to shop for more food she doesn't know how to eat. Luckily, Key West is full of Penises that want to help her learn about carrots and sweet potatoes. Starfire's Vagina must not have eaten very well while living with Jason Todd's Penis and Roy Harper's Penis (get it?! That was a size joke as well as just the beginning of my sentence!) because she doesn't know anything about food. She thinks a pineapple is an apple with a pine tree growing out of it! Ha ha! Oh, Balki's Vagina! You're too much!

Starfire's Vagina and her friend Sheriff Stella investigate the cruise ship that picked up the Dick Grayson wannabe. This is the part of the story that gets exciting if you didn't blow all of your excitement over the part where the two young people were eaten by a monster under the sand at the beach or over the part where Starfire's Vagina wears the really short skirt.

"Why would someone...?" You just spent a few years with two someones who would...?! You even wanted to that time with the slave trader guy who the other someones talked you out of woulding and then woulded him themselves!

At this point, I think Starfire's Vagina fans have got to accept that she has a severe problem with memory loss. It definitely helps explain a lot of her time in Red Hood and the Outlaws! I think Starfire's Vagina should go see a neurosurgeon.

Sheriff Stella sends Starfire's Vagina off to relax at a restaurant called The Blue Monkey while she investigates the murders on the cruise ship. At the restaurant, everybody stares at Starfire's Vagina and falls completely in love with her. Even the cat and the fat guy and the comb-over dude and the bartender!

Yeah! What if Starfire's Vagina wants to act on it immediately?! Don't you dare tell her she shouldn't! Don't you dare tell any woman that she shouldn't act on depraved urges immediately and forthwith and on the spot! Please, please, please do not control your urges simply because it might send an inappropriate message! My Penis is begging you!

When the waitress tries to explain how one night stands are perceived by all the prudes, she mentions she is from "way south, south" of Key West. Where is she from South of Key West with alabaster skin like that?! Antarctica?

Starfire's Vagina's new friend, Atlee, turns out to be from below the Earth's surface. The monster from the cover is a creature from her subterranean homeworld which grows when it absorbs any kind of power, especially a starbolt. Atlee is also a superhero! Now Starfire's Vagina can have a superfriend with benefits! Oh man! That's the new cartoon show I want. Superfriends With Benefits! I can't wait to see what Apache Chief says to make just his penis grow.

Starfire #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's cute and stuff. And I just can't get enough of her misunderstandings! When she pictured the handle on the guy's head because he inexplicably said his "handle was Ezra"?! So hilariously non-contrived! Just like something that would happen in real life! Especially with a guy like Ezra with a mustache like that. He'd totally say his "handle." The only thing this comic book needs is more graphic depictions of sex. Just the one wasn't enough for me.

Starfire #2

Remember back in the 80s when this comic book was called Perfect Strangers?

Sometimes I watch bad movies. Sometimes I watch really bad movies. And then sometimes I watch a movie which is a softcore porn for the first forty minutes and then it's a horribly amateurish horror movie in the last forty minutes. That movie really confused my boner! It was all, "This is great! I wonder how much they had to pay those strippers per hour to be in their amateur movie?! Did they have to let them in the actor's union? Wow! Look at all the naked stuff everywhere!" And then my boner was all, "What is happening?! Do those two women not know how to unbutton their pants?! Why do their bras look like full shirts?! Where are all the boobies and other girly parts that I couldn't really make out very well but I'm pretty sure I saw them so that means we're not virgins anymore, right?!" And I was all, "Oh boner! What did I do!? Why did I squander my good times hoping for the next really good nude scene just to run out of nude scenes and now I have to watch forty minutes of really bad acting?!" And then my boner was all, "We're rating The Slaughterhouse Massacre five stars, right?" And I was all, "Are you stupid? We can't encourage anybody else to watch it! It already has too many stars at two!" And my boner was all, "I'm not a boner anymore so why are you still talking to me? Can we just pee now?"

I should write plays. I bet I would be as successful as Samuel Beckett.

When we last left Starfire, she was parsing an idiom literally and it was totally hilarious. After that, she tried to put a penis in her mouth but her best friend Sheriff Gomez was all, "That is an inappropriate thing to do while me and that penis's grandmother are standing right here." Then a hurricane hit and I don't think it was natural at all! But then the comic book ran out of pages. So I purchased this issue to find out how the hurricane story ends!

Apparently I spent all month wondering which rascally villain was behind the hurricane and it looks like it's just a normal hurricane. Is this comic book just going to be about Balki Starfire trying to fit in in a somewhat normal community? Who is she going to blast with starbolts besides the guys who hit on her incessantly?

Starfire delivers her depravity interest and his grandmother to the hurricane shelter and then goes back into the storm to rescue the old woman's parrot.

Ha ha! That sign said "Lookout" on it!

Starfire's depravity interest goes back inside and says, "Well, Grandma, looks like Kori and your parrot are dead." But she's not! He just doesn't know how invulnerable she is yet.

Kori is knocked into the home of a gay guy in a bathtub. I know he's gay because he has two pugs. That's a dead giveaway! Plus she needs a best friend who is gay. There is absolutely no other possible friend combination for Starfire. She has a responsible single woman friend and now she will have the gay male friend and she already has the handyman that fixes up her leaks, if you get my drift. Once again, I hope that was a drift!

Meanwhile Starfire's best friend's brother Sol who will be Starfire's long term depravity interest (the handyman is just around for short, desperately needed, spur of the moment depravities) is risking going out to sea in the hurricane to save some honeymooners stuck in their sailboat. He's a true hero because he doesn't have any super powers. Plus he might have a bit of a death wish since his wife died in a hurricane two years ago. Sol's coworker can't stop him so he decides to call Sol's sister and make her worry about her brother even though there's nothing that she can do. I guess she can call her best friend to help since her best friend has super powers. But Gabe the Coworker doesn't know that so he's really just calling to worry her. Jerko.

Stella picks up Starfire so that her brother can fall in love again.

Meanwhile at the trailer park...

Wow. Key West is stranger than I realized.

Sol Gomez rescues the honeymooners at sea but then his boat capsizes. But don't worry! Starfire finds them. But she can only carry two people at once so she rescues the honeymooners. But don't worry! Sol is destined to fall in love with Starfire! He has plot immunity from drowning! Even if Starfire gets distracted by that big creature that doesn't like her smell (although I bet she smells super nice. Like coconuts and bananas! I bet that's what women's skin smells like! Coconuts, bananas, and fear). Then she'll go back for Sol but he'll be gone and everybody will think he drowned but then he'll appear and be all, "Why does everybody look so sad?" And Starfire will be all, "What is 'sosad'?" And everyone will laugh at Starfire's confusion instead of helping her with her English.

Or Starfire will save his life. Somebody always falls in love when that happens!

Now Starfire will be told to give him mouth to mouth and she'll be all, "But that is kissing. I gave mouth to mouth to the handyman earlier. Is this a trick to get me to kiss this corpse?"

Or she'll do it on her own initiative. I think maybe Roy Harper already tricked her with the kissing him to do mouth to mouth thing. At least she learned something useful from Roy and Jason.

Can movies and television and comic books please stop using the "mouth to mouth" scene as a means to establish romance? It's really creating a No-Homo Life Saving Culture where insecure men are afraid to give mouth to mouth to other men. I bet at least two to three men die every year from not receiving mouth to mouth quickly enough due to scenes like these!

And by "partnered," she means "depraved myself"!

After all of the excitement, Kori discovers that her trailer was destroyed so she can't live in the trailer park with Handyman Eye Candy anymore. But she does get invited to live over the garage at Stella and her brother's house! First they have to find a place to dump all of Sol's wife's useless garbage being stored in the apartment. But after all that stuff is burned, Starfire will have a new home! Yay!

Starfire #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was still exactly what I think people were expecting when they picked up this series but a little less of the kind of annoying stuff and a lot more of the building a world I'm completely interested in stuff. The annoying stuff was how easily Starfire was confused by everything. I'm one of the few people who didn't find Balki hilarious and sexy which is why I wasn't into that. But in this issue, it was toned down to the level of that Israeli woman from NCIS who may or may not still be on the show since I don't watch it anymore. It's still an old joke but at much better, lower levels this issue. And of course the art is spectacularly gorgeous. And by art I mean Starfire's butt (also her other parts. And everything else too, I guess). Who wants to practice mouth to mouth with me now?!

Starfire #1

Her finger is glistening because she's a filthy sex pervert.

Starfire has moved to Key West because she'll fit in with her costume that looks like a bikini and her skin that looks like a horrible spray tan. Plus it's apparently okay to masturbate in public. I should move there! I bet I've masturbated in every building I've ever been inside of! If you've invited me into your home, I probably jerked off somewhere in it. It's probably a mental issue called Jerkophilia so you can't criticize me, you unfeeling offensive jerk! I may or may not have jerked off in an empty park after dark on the way home from my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken when I was seventeen, depending on whether or not you would be completely grossed out by that revelation. It was probably the way those tight polyester pants fit across my crotch. It also could have been because I was seventeen and I thought of half a boob.

Have I primed everybody up for the sexy romp we're about to take with Starfire? Or are you all just feeling a little queasy now?

The issue begins with Starfire telling her story about how she was kept in a woman's prison with sexually depraved women convicted of womanly depravities. Boy, I wish I knew more about that kind of stuff. Maybe Lord Google's Image Search can teach me more about it! Oooh! Whoa! Interesting! Here's one of the things I learned about "womanly depravities":

Sexy! Right? I'm feeling...squooshy? No?

Starfire is telling her history to her new best friend in the whole world, Sheriff Gomez! I hope they become best friends with benefits because I wouldn't want to see Starfire have to go without health insurance.

Cute is for kittens! Starfire is erogenous!

Starfire has nothing of value that she's willing to sell except maybe a few jewels she found on the starship she stole. I don't think she can sell the ship because she crashed it on a desert island and used it as a den of depravity where she depraved Roy Harper on a constant basis. He didn't deprave her though because he wasn't very good at doing it and Starfire was too good at doing it.

Starfire sells a diamond and is all, "I do not English! It is funny, no?" And everybody is all, "No. Take off your top." But Starfire is all, "I will take off my top but only when it is my idea and when it can showcase my power and it will not be to titillate you self-diddling comic book monkey monsters. I mean, 'What is top? Do you mean my head?'"

After crying about dead old people which wasn't sexy at all, Starfire and her new best friend decide to have some beers. It's okay though because Sheriff Gomez doesn't work until later, so getting drunk won't be a problem right now. You can tell Starfire gets drunk almost immediately because she begins contracting her words. She also slips immediately into some of her perverse womanly depravity fantasies.

A woman's vagina looks like a star over a pistol?! I mean, um, that's hot! Look at that vagina! Oh yeah! Just like all of the other ones I've seen!

A fight breaks out in the bar because two men can't control their carnal lusts when Starfire speaks with them. She obviously wants to deprave them if she deigned to acknowledge their existence while also drinking beers. That's how dating works, right?! A woman says, "Hello, good sirs, how are you?" And the man says, "Do you have a condom preference?"

Yes, Kori. Please try to avoid talking with men.

After shopping for a new outfit, Starfire is shown to her new temporary housing. It's a trailer in a trailer park and it probably will be safe enough when the hurricane passes through. Her landlady is an old woman named Tina and her instant womanly depravity interest is Boone, her grandson. He's the handyman, if you get my drift. Did I have a drift? I hope that was a drift.

The scene shifts to Sheriff Gomez's brother who is part of the coast guard or something. His name is Sol which probably means he'll be depraving with Starfire any page now. Also he lost his wife in a hurricane two years ago and he hasn't been in the mood for a good depraving since, even though his coworker Raveena has been shoving her depravities in his face for months now. But I bet Starfire will have just the right combination of innocence and loads of sex that is just what all men are looking for! They all want a sexpot that has never had sex before!

The storm turns into a hurricane so Kori takes shelter with Boone and his grandmother and his grandmother's parrot. But the trailer they're sheltering in is tipped over and they hear loud noises that aren't thunder, so Starfire exits the trailer and steps into the storm where she sees...well, you'll find out what she sees next month if you know what's depraved for you. It's probably the Weather Wizard. Or the Fearsome Five.

Starfire #1 Rating: This book is about as hilarious as an episode of NCIS and as sexually titillating as an episode of Three's Company with the sophisticated gender sensibility of The Love Boat.

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2

The Annuals should be issues where the characters just get to take a break from crimefighting. I want to see Bruce and Clark on a cruise!

This issue begins with Xa-du because we haven't had enough of this boring asshole yet. I mean, I have had enough of him. But I guess Greg Pak doesn't think his readers have had enough of him. If Greg Pak doesn't watch out, he's going to become my next dead horse. He's precariously close to being a writer whose writing I don't like. That's my polite way of saying that he's a bad writer but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that that's just my ignorant opinion and that maybe he's actually a fantastic writer but I just don't happen to like his writing. But if he keeps cramming this idiot Xa-du down my throat, I'm going to unleash the hounds, set the Doomsday Clock to midnight, and get out my Dead Horse Beating Stick. And once I start beating a dead horse, it's very rare that I stop because it's so much fucking fun.

Xa-du was banished back to the Phantom Zone with his ability to escape finally neutralized. But guess what?! He still has the ability to reach out of the Phantom Zone and manipulate people with his Hypno-Impulse! So his next plan is to reach out to all of Batman and Superman's enemies and convince them that Clark Kent needs to die.

Every window in Paris looks out on the Eiffel Tower. I think Escher designed the city.

Yay! Another story where Superman and Batman aren't trying to help people but are simply defending themselves against attack! I can't get enough of stories that show how fucking useless being a superhero is! I just love a good story where all the death and destruction caused is simply because the super hero exists. So inspirational!

I have no idea who the woman in Paris is in the scan above. Phobia? Oh, I bet it's Talia al Ghul, right? There's also a panel showing the Bahamas and a hand with a machete in it. I don't know who the fuck that would be either.

Superman is currently investigating the island where Doomsday exploded everything and killed everybody and whatever the fuck happened in Doomed! The island is on fire and spreading a thick black cloud of Doomsday dust. But Superman knows how to get rid of it and set himself up for a really exciting story where he has to battle Batman's enemies in much the same way Batman has always had to battle them: without any powers! Superman uses his new Exploding Vagina Power to disintegrate everything in a few miles radius around him. Except his power goes KRAKOOM unlike his sister's power which goes FWASH! I guess that's the difference in sound between a vagina exploding and a scrotum exploding. Now he's powerless for twenty-four hours! Just in time for Xa-du's Hypno-Impulse controlled villains to attack him!

Clark heads deeper into the island to await Batman's arrival because he'll be easier to find in the thick jungle than if he remained on the beach. He's looking for the source of the Doomsday Cloud and he finds a bunch of people scavenging medical supplies from one of the abandoned hospitals on the ruined resort island. They've been burning crap that apparently is full of Doomsday's toxins. And then the person in the Bahamas who was influenced by Xa-du attacks.

At least he's starting out with an easy villain.

Now that Superman has a power which causes him to lose his power (pretty much the only reason it was created, by the way), is everybody going to rush out and write their version of the Superman shows how he's a hero even without any powers story? I like Geoff Johns' version where Superman did the right thing in the face of real danger. I'm not sure if I'm going to like this story as much where Superman gets a chance to prove that he's every bit as good at super heroing without powers as Batman is. Batman trained with the best teachers across the planet across many, many years. Superman relies on his invulnerability and super strength. The hardest part of Superman's job is calculating how hard to punch somebody so that he doesn't knock their head clean off of their body. But now he's going to stand toe to toe with Killer Croc, Bane, Talia, and Man-Bat? Bah! I don't even think he could take Man-Bat!

Clark takes a throwing star to the back as he pushes some guy out of the way. It's the same guy he pushed out of the way earlier. I think that guy needs to start getting out of the way on his own. Also, Man-bat must not know what Clark Kent looks like. I will not make a blind as a bat joke because that's a myth and I only deal in truth and facts and self-embellishment. After Clark falls to the ground with a shuriken lodged in his spine, a mysterious woman comes to his rescue!

Now Clark and the mystery woman are stuck back to back by a throwing star.

So she's battling to save her friend (and maybe Clark) while Clark battles to save her friend (and maybe himself) but she's braver? Simply because she doesn't know Batman is coming? You know she's not going to sleep with you for the compliment because she can't hear your Narration Boxing, Clark.

Batman arrives to save their lives and says, "Idiots," as he arrives. What the fuck was that about? They're being attacked by a monster and he's going to chastise them? Does everybody really think the best way to write Batman is to make him a complete asshole?

Hee hee.

Everybody escapes into a manhole and then Bane shoots the Man-bat in the head and kills it. Also arriving with Bane are Cheshire, Killer Croc, and three dozen more Man-bats. They're all hunting Clark Kent and they all have terrifically fast methods of travel and amazingly high tech gadgets that enable them to track Clark Kent. If they're here already, did they see Superman blow his scrotum?

My main question is why are Bane and Killer Croc working together? Xa-du's manipulation doesn't make them forget their past. It just makes them sort of feel like killing Clark Kent. But I think Bane might want a piece of Croc after what he did to him during Batman Eternal. And Croc obviously hasn't forgotten that Bane threw him from the top of Wayne Tower in Arkham War (which is why he humiliated Bane in Batman Eternal!). But now they're just going to forget all the bad blood because they both kind of sort of want to murder Clark Kent for some unknown reason? Bah.

You know what's better than having villains mind-controlled to attack the heroes? Giving the villains a motivation to attack the heroes that makes sense to their characters! But that's hard! And Greg Pak really loves the easy way out.

Clark wants to help Batman stop the thugs but Batman doesn't believe that Clark Kent is ready to go toe to toe with this group of villains (he's right). Batman decides he has to give Clark a quick rundown on the villains so Clark knows exactly why he'll be no help in a fight against them. Batman is a condescending dickhole. Clark Kent is a journalist! I think he knows about these thugs!

Batman tells the civilians to find anything they can use as a weapon and to sit tight while he takes care of business. Janice, the brave woman, uncovers a box full of knives and is all, "Batman sir! Will these do?" Then Clark is all, "I'm going to fight too!" So Batman ties him to a concrete post. Because what better way to use Clark than as bait so Batman can lure the bad guys in close.

Killer Croc breaks through a wall and Clark thinks, "I'm just flesh-and-blood right now and for the first time in ages, I remember what it feels like to be terrified."

Can I ask you a question, Mr. Pak? Do you read the things you write? Do you remember any of the things you write? Because you just recently wrote that story in Action Comics about Smallville turning into a horror story, remember? And remember how the creature devoured fear? And how it made everybody, including Superman, feel terrified? And the way Superman finally defeated the Ultra-Humanite was to allow himself to feel truly terrified so that it would consume too much fear and be sated? Or something like that. However it worked out, I'm fairly certain that the whole point of the story was to show Lana Lang that Superman also feels terror and loss. But now is the first time in ages he's felt scared! Okay. Whatever. I guess this story takes place before that story.

It turns out Clark was in on the "lure Killer Croc in close" plan (although he was still terrified! Coward!). I'm surprised Batman is allowing Clark to act so much in their missions lately. But then Batman and Croc are covered in rubble so now it's up to Clark to save Batman! Unless Janice saves Batman. She is much braver and more competent and less of a puss.

One pillar was taken out and this happens to half the hospital. What a shit building.

The Man-bats are taken out by a poison gas trap but Cheshire, master of poison, is unaffected. But then she's knocked out by a single blow of a pipe to the back of the head. It's like she's not one of the greatest assassins at all! Can Clark at least struggle to defeat Cheshire? My guess is that he got some of his powers back already and he's lucky he didn't completely crush her skull.

As Bane gives chase to Clark, Batman comes out of the jungle riding Croc. Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings, Killer Croc attacks Bane and they fall off of a cliff and into the ocean (with a little help from some of Batman's non-lethal explosives). Then Batman is all, "I guess you are kind of competent without any super powers. Hmph. Imagine that." Then he leaves Clark behind so that Clark can help Janice and her friends.

But then Janice stabs him in the stomach because Xa-du hypno-impulsed her.

Everything changes? So the writing will be good?

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 Rating: This one ends with yet another villain pointing out that people ultimately hate and fear super heroes. I'm so fucking tired of that mantra. The whole point of super hero stories is to feel inspired and uplifted! Who are these writers who believe that Superman is actually reviled instead of loved? It's tired, idiotic bullshit. And why is Xa-du so fucking powerful? He lost the tech which lets him leave the Phantom Zone but he can still see everything that happens? I could buy (barely) that he somehow had the ability to slightly influence horrible people to kill Clark Kent. I'll even buy into the premise that it somehow affected these few criminals so much that they went out and treated it like a paid hit. But I won't accept that Xa-du has the ability to spy on Clark from the Phantom Zone with his crippled technology, that he was able to see and understand that Superman lost his powers when he used his brand new super power, and was able to perceive the person standing next to Clark and manipulate that person into stabbing him. All while from inside the Phantom Zone. I also don't think Xa-du knows what he's talking about anyway when he calls Bane, Killer Croc, and Cheshire his "most lethal champions." There are far better that could have killed Clark Kent. And the ones he chose? If Superman hadn't lost his powers? They would have been absolutely useless! So why even bother?

Ugh. Greg Pak, you seriously need to try harder. You're coming up with themes that work but then doing a half-assed job turning them into a story. So here you wanted a powerless Clark to be able to prove to Batman that he could handle himself against Batman's enemies. That's actually an interesting kernel for a story. But the thing that kernel turned into? It's a mess! It's not an Ann Nocenti level mess but it still comes across as sloppy because the characters are just cardboard cutouts to move the plot along. I suppose if I wanted to defend you, I could say mind control explains it all. But then I have to believe that Xa-du has this kind of power from within the Phantom Zone even after losing half of his brain? I don't even want to believe that Xa-du exists!