Batman Eternal #22

This is the greatest cover of all time.

Usually when a deadly new villain appears on the cover of a comic book, they're "unleashed!" or, well, whatever synonyms exist for unleashed although DC never uses them so the villains are almost always just unleashed. Anyway, they're usually shown as getting over on the hero because the reader has to feel the tension of the impending conflict. Will Batman actually be beaten? After the reader answers "no" to that question immediately, they still pick up the comic book because Batman is on the cover and DC has some kind of Halloween III mindchip installed in every picture of Batman that forces people to buy their comic books.

But not this cover! Hopefully you know what I'm talking about when I say "not this cover" since I filled that last paragraph with a lot of extraneous bullshit that probably made you forget about the villain unleashed and the beating Batman stuff. As soon as The Architect enters, Batman is all, "Ka-CHA!" "Ka-CHA" is short for "Karate Chop!" Batman knows this is a karate kick but he doesn't like to telegraph his blows just in case he's battling a psychic. This leads me to believe that The Architect sucks. The only way this cover could be any better is if it said, "Enter The Archite...." Oh wait! I thought of another way it could be better! If it were drawn by Val Semieks! And if Etrigan were on it! And the Architect was Klarion the Witch Boy! And maybe Simon Bisley sketched a tattoo of Lobo on Etrigan's arm! And then the whole thing were redone as a sculpture by Tom Taggart and placed inside an installation by Dave McKean! Now that's a cover!

Last issue Jason Bard broke a flash drive that didn't have any evidence on it at all. What it had inside of it was a Bat-Device that would alert Batman when the asshole he gave it to broke it in half. That's all speculation by me but since I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, you might as well accept it as truth. Believing in me isn't faith; it's science! When have I ever been wrong? I'm the guy that guessed Harvest was Vampire Tim Drake from the future and that New Future Welder's Mask Superman was Booster Gold, and look how those came to pass! Or will come to pass eventually. Or are at least accurate in my comic books which I've marked up a bit with colored Sharpies. It's amazing how easy it was to make Billy Batson look like Michael Jon Carter!

Jason Bard also let The Architect out of Blackgate but I don't know what that's supposed to accomplish. I guess he's going to remodel the destroyed subway?

This issue has a flashback of the "Alfred spills the beans" scene. So that's two panels that will have to be fixed in the trades! Learn to spell, Alfred!

Julia finds the entrance to the Batcave but then the scene changes to a group of Bruce Wayne's Windows and Glass Repair workers fitting a Wayne building with more totally destructible panes of glass. But The Architect arrives to shoot some guy named Clint because he was worried the ink was going to run and everybody would have a tizzy over an accidental cunt. Unless all of The Architect's themed crimes are that he delays construction projects so that his family business can garner more contracts.

Batman notices The Architect up to no good and says "No..." as if The Architect is some kind of dangerous rival. He's named The Architect! He's an asshole!

The Batcave contacts Batman because there's somebody inside of it that wants to yell at him.

You must be mistaken, Batman. He's called "The Architect," not "The Demolitionist."

The Architect must be a fan of Tesla because he's mastered the ability to set up a resonance that continues to grow until buildings or bridges collapse. This Beacon place he's attacked was designed by him while in prison. Probably because he received a poorly formatted invitation to fuck with Gotham City. Batman doesn't know what to do because Penny-Two doesn't know how to operate the Bat-computer. All you do is hit switches and buttons, Julia, until it spits out some punch cards!

In the absence of Batman's Bat-Computer, let me take this one. Batman! You have to set up a counter resonance that will nullify the counter-counter-resonance! Sit all the workers on the floor with you and everybody fart at exactly the same time! It's your only chance!

I should get royalties for that, Batman. I came up with it first! Now if Julia steals my fart plan, I'm fucking suing.

The only actual plan Batman and Penny-Two come up with is the one where they rescue all the workers but allow the building to continue to vibrate itself to death. Luckily, it probably won't work unless The Architect added walls of dynamite to the building's blueprints. Batman realizes one page before the issue ends who the real "architect" of all this shit going down is: Hush.

Goddammit! I said at the end of the last commentary that the person behind it all had better not be Hush since Hush was introduced last issue and then the last issue's next issue blurb said the person behind it all would be revealed. But he was already revealed! I will allow that it wasn't revealed that Hush was the mastermind. Anyway, it's Hush. No wonder his invitations to Gotham were so poorly formatted, what with all those bandages getting in the way of fine detail work.

Batman Eternal #22 Rating: -1 Ranking. I warned you, Batman Eternal! I said, "Hush had better not be the big reveal!" I said, "If Hush is the big reveal, I will murder you in your sleep, Batman Eternal!" And then I said, "I'm hungry!" And then I forgot all about Batman Eternal until just now. I guess little Tommy Elliot feels it's time to throw another gigantic tantrum because his parents weren't gunned down in an alley allowing him to inherit all of their money at an early age. Did Hush come up with his name because he stood up in a library and declared his parents' wealth would be his and then was shushed by a librarian? Anyway, I think Hush's childhood rivalry has gone a little bit too far.

Nightwing #30

Is this issue going to begin in a cemetery fake burying Dick Grayson?

This issue begins in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I've said it before and I'll say it again and then I'll probably forget I said it two times already and I'll say it once more before probably saying it a few more times later but the name "Democratic Republic of Congo" is trying way to hard to sound like a free country! The name of the issue is "Un Cheval Pale" except the "a" in "pale" has a little carrot arrow thing on top of it. I think that punctuation mark is called "the beanie." It probably causes the "a" to be pronounced as if you were choking on a load of snot slowly sliding down the back of your throat. This issue is called that because a load of killers and assassins roam the Democratic Republic of Congo tuering and assassinering gens. They call themselves Die Faust Der Kain because the title was too French and they wanted to not only create mort people but also Totes! And pale horses and fists of Cains are pretty good signs that death is coming right at you!

Gross! I guess they liked to fick the corpses in le cul!

Doctor Thompkins is rescued by a Hannibal's Secret model with purple wings and no bra. She takes her to be interrogated by a man with a face like quicksand. She tells them about a seminal moment in her life involving a young child and his dead parents. Don't worry! Seminal has nothing to do with sex like it might sound! At least not in the way I used it! I didn't mean she had a moment in her life that was covered in semen involving a child and his dead parents. That might fly over in an Image comic book but DC is all about family entertainment and dead sidekicks! She also believes she might have told these people too much! And that could be bad since they work for Spyral.

This is why Alfred usually murders people who discover Batman's secret identity. Alfred's motto is "What Batman doesn't know can't hurt him, but what other people know, can." It's actually half motto, half rationalization for his love of serial killing.

Later, Alfred's fucking heart is broken because Batman won't let him in on the secret that Dick Grayson didn't die. Bruce, you're a monster! You might think you're protecting Alfred and Dick by convincing everybody Dick is dead, but what you're really just doing is destroying him. You're destroying yourself and your relationships! Remember how often keeping things from the people closest to you worked out when they discovered you were keeping things from them? In seventy five years, I'd be able to count how many times it worked on my fingers even if I'd been in a major farming accident with an augur and lost both hands! But that's why, as I mentioned in a previous commentary, Bruce's motto (he has one too!) is "Keep your friends in the dark and your enemies in Arkham."

Batman and Dick spar without any shirts on and everybody that is into two hot, sweaty guys wrestling without any shirts (I'd estimate that's about 98% of everybody) say, "Homina homina homina." Then, even though they're curious to find out what kind of mission Batman has for Dick that needs him to stay dead, they go and relieve their sexual tension in whatever their favorite way of relieving sexual tension is (I'd estimate 98% of the 98% rubbed a cat on their genitals).

Batman wants Dick to remain dead and infiltrate Spyral.

And it must be really important to him because the Batmobile isn't the only thing smashed in the sparring. Damian's Robin Suit Memorial. The Batplane. A giant die. The Batcycle. A question mark. A bunch of computers. Even the dinosaur loses some teeth.

Not only does Batman not care that Alfred's heart is breaking, Batman doesn't care that Alfred is going to have to clean up this fucking mess! I bet Alfred discovers some of Dick Grayson's blood as he's cleaning. And since Alfred has tended the wounds of Dick and Bruce and Jason and Tim for more years than he can count (he's getting old and can't count very high anymore), he'll probably recognize it immediately. "Why, that's Master Grayson's blood! I'd know those erythrocytes anywhere!"

Dick eventually agrees to infiltrate Spyral. But not because it will save the heroes from having their identities exposed. And not because Batman asked him to do it. He'll do it so he can hide from Dan Didio. Maybe if he's in a comic book called "Grayson," he'll be able to fly under the radar and Didio will stop going around trying to get him killed off.

Grayson goes around the world taking out members of The Fist of Cain until Spyral notices him and recruits him. They know he was Nightwing and now they have use for him. Somehow. Maybe they need circus entertainers for a festival.

Nightwing #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. It was a fitting end to the story that was being told. Hopefully Dick will find friends in Spyral that will make him happy! I don't like that Nightwing won't be interacting with the rest of the super heroes of the DC Universe. I doubt that will last long though. Secrets never keep in the DC Universe. They just remain secret when the story needs them to be secret and then they're not secret at all when a writer forgets they're supposed to be secret. It gets a little confusing when DC creates a bunch of covert, black ops organizations but everybody fucking knows about them all. Let's see how long they can keep Dick and Task Force X secret now that they've rebooted them! My guess is two months! And not starting with their next first issues! I mean starting now!

Talon #17

This series will continue in Lord Death Man #18 even if I have to write it myself.

I just figured out why Calvin Rose is called Talon! Because that's the part of the owl that the owl uses to kill! Which means I discovered a secret that has yet to be revealed! The Court of Owls always has two Talons ready to go at all times! Umm, I mean eight talons! And their secret weapon for when all the Talons are killed: Beak! If Beak dies, you might think The Court of Owls is fucked! Well, they aren't! Because they have one last monstrous murderer to let loose: Creepy Near-Human Face!

This issue begins with one of the grossest things I've ever read.

Gross!

I'd rather die than breathe in corpse lung air! What if the poisonous gas is still surrounding them when she uses up all of his lung air? Will he have to force air out of his sphincter as she wraps her lips around his chocolate starfish? Hmm. I hope that actually does happen next page! What is DC going to do? Cancel this comic book?

Just a second while I look up some more standard jokes to use for this commentary. Did I already do the one about Oingo Boingo, my old friend Soy Rakelson, and his agreement with the Catholic Church's dogma on not using prophylactics but didn't extend to premarital sex? I think I covered most of that last issue.

While Anya is being kept alive with corpse-tainted oxygen, she thinks, "Does Calvin's blood still flow or are we going to have to use a penis pump?" When she gets a nice lungful of air, she says, "Is that a limp noodle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Calvin smiles roguishly and says, "Are your labia engorged with blood and glistening slightly from vaginal lubrication for no reason or are you just happy to see me?" And then Lord Death Man interrupts with some seriously highbrow Shakespearean shit.

I love Lord Death Man!

Everybody should rush out and buy a copy of this comic book because I don't think DC has ever before printed the word "fart" in one of their funny books! History is being made here!

Meanwhile the only other person left alive in this submarinean secret base is Dr. Darrk! I just felt like his name deserves an exclamation point. DC thought it deserved two "r"s! I'm not quite as married to that last sentence needing an exclamation point though. But as a Writer, you have to be sure the reader feels excited! And the best way to make a reader feel excitement is to tell the reader through improper and overused punctuation! Some people might use more than one exclamation point but I consider that crossing a line of trust between the Writer and the reader. If I use two exclamation points, the reader's heart might palpitate wildly. If I use three, the reader might think something in the house is on fire and run out into the street only to be hit by a passing semi truck! I'm nothing if not a responsible Writer!

Back in Gotham City, Casey keeps in touch with the team from a wi-fi connection at her local Starbucks. When they point out they just encountered "Skull Guy," Casey finds his entry on Wikipedia and discovers some facts about him.

I guess it doesn't say anything about how he was stuffed into a safe and shot into space, hunh?

Later in the previously poisonous tunnels, Lord Death Man comes alive and mentions how he was shot into space himself! He does not, though, mention how he was saved. He does mentioning conquering the Game of Life though, so now he's really my new best friend. Have I mentioned I created a Roller Playing Game named Places and Predators? I have. And the entire combat system is based on The Game of Life. That's because in the P&P Universe, every dimension is based on a different board game. So if your characters traveled to a different plane, they might have to battle monsters by spelling big words and hoping for a critical triple word score attack. A few years ago, I purchased a new copy of the game and it sucks. Seriously. If you want to get the game for your kids, find a version from the seventies at a garage sale or on eBay.

At this point, I'm beginning to think I should be getting paid for likeness rights on Lord Death Man.

These scenes with Lord Death Man are exactly what it's like living with me! Just yesterday, I got up from the couch while watching Judge Judy and, headed toward the kitchen, muttered, "Us half-fish people gotta follow laws, why ain't them humans gots to?"

Baby stuff. Although I'd be really impressed if you understand all the rules to Yu-Gi-Oh!

I don't believe Lord Death Man knows the name of every single Pokemon at all! From the way he's been talking up until now, he probably just calls them "Little Lightning Tail" and "Cat That Shits Coins" and "Big Fat Sleeping Fat Napper." I guess just because he might call the Pokemon that, it doesn't mean he doesn't know their names. I call the bad guy group from The Movement "The Gravy Factory" even though I know they're actually the Graveyard Faction.

After the Pokemon exchange, Lord Death Man eventually kills Calvin Rose. But Lord Death Man doesn't realize that he just defeated another immortal being. Once he finds out though, he'll never forget! His noggin is like a no-kill animal trap. Information gets locked in and then goes fucking nuts trying to get out.

Dr. Darrk begins flooding the tunnels where Lord Death Man and Talon have been playing. But Anya, who seems to have had a previous relationship with Dr. Darrk (not that kind, sicko pervo!) since they're both League of Assassins members, stops him before the tunnels are completely flooded. Which is a good thing because Lord Death Man and Calvin would have had a tough time resuming their conversation underwater. And their continued conversation is very important because it's about that bit I keep repeating. You know that bit! Where Lord Death Man was sent into space! But what's more important is that being trapped in that safe out in space is exactly the same fear that Calvin expressed to Anya last issue! These two guys are like brothers!

How can Calvin refuse?! Lord Death Man's confession is the same exact confession Calvin gave to Anya in the shower where they should have been fucking! Hmm, maybe this will lead to fucking?

What actually happens is that Calvin throws a shark at Lord Death Man. Not cool, man. Never cool.

Anya battles with Dr. Darrk as they discuss innocence, freedom, servitude, and murder while Lord Death Man and Talon battle underwater so that they can't have any kind of discussion at all. Anya makes a deal to save Talon from the flooded chamber. But Lord Death Man escapes. I think. It's possible he made it out of the sealed chamber before it completely sealed. It's ambiguous! Comic books love ambiguity! But even if he didn't escape, he made it back from orbiting the Earth somehow, didn't he? He'll be back because he's the best.

The deal Anya makes with Dr. Darrk is probably this: in exchange for not blowing up a room full of babies in test tubes, Dr. Darrk provides Calvin Rose with some of Lord Death Man's Immortality Juice (you know where that comes from. Wink wink) so that he can be human again. Is that the deal? Well, later in Gotham, we'll probably find out. I mean, it has to be, right? Nobody liked Calvin when he was a zombie! It ruined his whole schtick!

Calvin is alive, Lord Death Man has been encased in cement, and Dr. Darrk has become a Talon Zombie himself! Somehow. Probably with transfusions or something.

Talon #17 Rating: +10 Ranking! Most of that is because Lord Death Man is my fake soul mate. Some of that is because Calvin Rose is back to normal. A little of that is because this series has ended. However you want to parcel out the positive points, I felt like this was the best issue of Talon so far. And just think how many stupid assholes are never going to pick it up because they're stupid assholes! Who are actually pretty smart because, seriously, this book was never really that good. It was better at ideas and possibilities than execution. Unlike Lord Death Man who is the opposite of that!

Batman: The Dark Knight #29

Seventy-five years ago, bats were the scariest thing in the world.

For those readers that don't know who Batman is, I went on Wikipedia and did a little research. It turns out he's just a normal human man with no super powers at all! His parents were killed when he was a little boy, so he sat around his house for years while his butler did everything for him. He pouted and cried a little bit and had fantasies about getting revenge on all criminals everywhere. But how would he go about doing that? How do you scare the violent and the lawless?! Then a bat flew through his window and he screamed his head off and shat himself and covered his head because if he had learned only two things in 1939, it was to duck and cover if a nuclear bomb hit, and to cover and jump around if a bat flew in the window. No wait. Maybe he didn't learn about bombs yet. I think he was just learning about Nazis and the American way of dealing with Nazis at the time was to go shopping and shrug your shoulders and say, "Enh. That's not my problem!" After he remembered he didn't know what a nuclear bomb was, he said, "Aha! Alfred! Come change me! I have an idea!" And that idea was to become a bat because the only thing scarier than a bat is a grown ass man in a bat costume!

At least that was true in 1939 America. If American Bruce Wayne had to become the scariest thing he could think of today, a faceless man with chainsaws for arms and tentacles flailing about from the back of his head would have to crash through his window. The man would probably have goat legs as well and a choir of prepubescent children would be chanting as if from every corner of the room. And the man would have to be a demon ghost brought into the world through blasphemy and dealings with the Christian Devil. That would probably scare audiences pretty good today. But just imagine what Batman of Japan would become?! Instead of Batman, he'd be Walks Stiffly and Awkwardly Young Pale Girl With Stringy Hair and Solid Black Eyes Lurking In The Corner Of The Room Or Is She? Man. That might be too scary for the local police to get behind. If they had to shine that Signal into the sky to get his attention, everybody in the city would go insane.

Now that you know Batman's history, let me tell you about Man-Bat's history. I don't know it and I'm not going to bother looking it up because my guess about his origin is probably fairly accurate. Somebody thought, "If a man in a bat costume is super scary to criminals, what about a man that is a bat that is not in costume!?" And then that somebody thought, "Shit! I should have said that at the head of a conference table in a meeting with lots of DC Executives!" But that somebody was only six because what a stupid idea, right? Just because DC decided to run with it doesn't make the idea not stupid! Besides, if you look at lots of ideas from last century, you'll see people didn't really know what they were doing. So a lot of people made a mistake and created a character that has stuck around for decades because it's a monster version of Batman even though Batman is quite the monster himself. I think when Man-Bat was invented, Batman wasn't quite a monster yet. I think Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns was actually supposed to be about Man-Bat but somebody fucked up the name when the issue went to print.

Now you're all smarted up and ready to enjoy Batman: The Dark Knight featuring Man-Bat the Knight Dark!

Last issue ended with a tension filled cliffhanger! Batman had just been thrown off of a building by Daddy-Man-Bat! OH NO! He is surely dead because one of the things Batman can't do is fly. You would think he would have made that an essential part of his costume, right? It's like somebody choosing the name of a bird, say a canary, and not being able to fly. What the fuck is up with that?! Also, I've never heard a canary sing and had my head blow up. So that's a pretty stupid name to choose. If I were Black Canary, I would have chosen the name Weaponized Voice Woman. But this isn't that crappy comic book Birds of Prey, so I should probably get back to how Batman is going to fall to his death. If only he had a thing on his utility belt that could grapple stuff and was also bat themed?!

You drama king! As if you haven't saved your life this way a dozenty zillion times!

Later back at the Batcave, Alfred teases Batman. That butler is getting way too familiar! The last thing Batman needs is the help getting uppity and thinking he can say anything he wants to him. I don't know how he hasn't gotten fired yet. He also was supposed to be watching Batman's son a while back and he failed to do that which resulted in Batman's son dying. And he still has a job! He must have some sketchy information on Bruce Wayne in a locker down at the Greyhound terminal ready to be released if he ever mysteriously disappears or winds up dead.

Batman learns that the Gotham Police need evidence to arrest rich white people, so he goes to have a conversation with Daddy-Man-Bat's human alias, Abe Langstrom.

Is Batman's secret identity Tom Joad?

Abe Langstrom flaunts his Man-Battedness in Batman's face during the discussion. It's as if he believes Batman is bound by the same laws that bind and control and manipulate and oppress the rest of us. It's as if he doesn't realize that he's a murderer talking to a crazy guy in a cape that really, really hates murderers. It's like he doesn't even care if he winds up in a coma tonight! For some reason, Batman just decides to act threatening. I think he doesn't kick the crap out of Abe for the same reason leaders of countries agree not to send ninja assassins after each other. Because it sets a bad precedent that can only wind up backfiring all over your face, bukake style. You know, if the penises were guns and the semens were bullets. Bruce Wayne doesn't want large costumed men coming into his office thinking they can do whatever the hell they want to him just because he's raping the resources of the city and oppressing a large section of the Gotham populace with his thousands of minimum wage jobs he's providing that they had better thank him for.

Does that apology come with a paycheck? Dick.

So Batman makes the choice to wear a getup which keeps him from entering a building normally and that's supposed to be a good enough excuse for crashing through windows and skylights and weak-ass Gotham City walls? Kirk is too polite to say this, Batman, so I will: fuck your mother.

Later that night, Daddy-Man-Bat hits the street looking for a quick homeless meal. But Batman knows where he's going to be because he's the World's Greatest Detective. That was pointed out earlier in that scan I did where Abe mocked Batman about being an awesome detective while Batman had already proven he was an awesome detective. Maybe that's why Batman didn't punch him in the face. Because Batman was smirking so hard under the cowl at the compliment that was meant to be an insult but really was a compliment on accident.

So Batman gets in his homeless man costume. It's one of his favorites which is why anybody that's been reading Batman for the last 75 years instantly recognizes him. Batman's plan is to be Daddy-Man-Bat's next victim. It's not because Batman has given up! Batman has injected himself with the serum to cure Man-Bat-itis. So when Man-Bat drinks Batman's blood, Man-bat becomes Just-a-Man. Then Batman can see him transform back into Abe and yell, "Aha! Evidence! Now Gordon can arrest you!" And Abe will say, "Whatever! I'm going to hire those lawyers that allowed the incestual rapist billionaire to go free! And there's nothing you can do to stop me because Harvey Dent is dead!"

Batman nearly dies from blood loss. He probably should have used a stronger serum. Or just placed packets of the serum on his chest between his outer armor and five layers of inner armor. Except that would be too smart and might possibly not work. What if Daddy-Man-Bat could tell he wasn't sucking directly out of Batman's innards?! It's not like Batman has technology at his disposal that could fake up something like that in a few hours. I suppose the main reason Batman wanted to almost die is because Batman wants to not really live. But Batman doesn't know that consciously! That would make him realize just how insane he actually is.

"This is Gotham PD. We have an old man tied up at a homeless shelter. Seems he was attacked by the Batman. Send paramedics so we can get this poor guy some help."

Later in a court of law, Justice is bent over and raped in the ass. Just another average day in the life of our legal system. And another average day in the life of a narcissistic asshole with loads of money as he freely walks away from his horrible crimes.

Batman: The Dark Knight #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. I almost gave this a +2 Ranking for portraying Corporate CEOs more accurately than they're normally portrayed. But then I remembered Man-Bat was in this issue, and I couldn't give it more than a +1.

Talon #16

Unless you're a Talon. Or Alec Holland. Or Superman. Or Deadman. Or any number of comic book characters.

Last issue had nothing to do with Calvin Rose and it was the best issue of Talon in a long time. You see, Calvin has lost the thing that made him interesting when he died and became an immortal zombie. When he was alive, he needed his skill to escape death in ingenious and inventive ways. But now he doesn't need to escape death because he can't die. But that's probably the entire point of this final story arc. Calvin needs to confront death and either shuffle off this mortal coil or learn how to live again. I suppose it doesn't really matter which it is since his time as the main character of a monthly comic is up.

This issue is called "Dead Man's Party" so now I have Oingo Boingo stuck in my head. My high school friend Soy Rakelson loved Oingo Boingo. It was one of his favorite things, right up there with taking advantage of his friends, volunteering to help the Special Olympics with his fraternity so they could make fun of the athletes, feeling offended and indignant, and throwing vegetables at pedestrians as he passed by in his car. Does that make him sound like a dick? Don't worry. He was Catholic so it was okay.

Talon's escape skills have gotten rusty since he doesn't actually need to use them anymore. So he's been practicing escaping burning coffins hanging in the sky. Tonight, he fails and drowns. Or would have drowned if he were alive. Instead, the coffin plunges to the water, knocking him unconscious until he wakes up inhaling water, only to be cut from his prison by Joey and the other new Batman Incorporated employees. After coughing up a ton of water, he stands on the shore, throws up his arms, and yells, "TA-DA!"

Later in the shower with Anya the Ex-Assassin, Calvin spills his seeds. I mean beans.

These specific beans are about why he sucks at escaping now.

Meanwhile Lord Death Man escapes his imprisonment in Pakistan because he is a much better escape artist than Calvin Rose. He's also a better joker than Calvin Rose. He remembers all the punchlines correctly. And even if he does get one wrong, he just murders the person he was telling the joke to so they won't malign his reputation as a funny man. The best joke he knows is the one how he somehow returned to Earth after being shoved into a tiny safe and shot out into space. Maybe that happened in Preboot Continuity. But it definitely happened in Batman, Incorporated Continuity which somehow exists within and without all other continuities. And that's actually where Lord Death Man belongs because he's super cool and transcends limits.

These jokes didn't come off very well so he had to expunge his audience.

Anya was once a member of the League of Assassins and she heard of these pits that Ra's al Ghul sits in to remain immortal. She figures if Calvin Rose sits in one, it'll bring him back to normal life and he'll lose his zombie status. Then he can go back to facing death on unequal footing, just the way he likes it. It turns out, Calvin knows of a secret underwater lab where Ra's al Ghul currently makes the liquid in which he bathes. Coincidentally, it's the same lab where Lord Death Man just escaped his bonds and began murdering everyone! Actually, this is one of those cases where a coincidence is not a coincidence at all because it's Lord Death Man's blood that is being harvested to fill Ra's al Ghul's Lazarus Pits. But that doesn't mean that you should go around spouting the childish idea that there are no coincidences! Because there are! They happen all the time! And just because a human being comes along and says, "Ayuh. Everything happens for a reason," it doesn't mean things have been planned! Yes, coincidences happen for a reason! And that reason is random, dumb chance. If an infinite number of monkeys roll enough infinite sided dice an infinite number of times, one of those monkeys is eventually going to roll the same number twice in a row! And at that point, that fucking monkey is going to create religion and be the most powerful of all the infinite monkeys!

Inside the lab is also some guy named Dr. Dark. He wears some kind of atmospheric suit filled with blood or cherry soda. He kind of freaks out a little bit that Lord Death Man is on the loose. Whatever happens between Lord Death Man, Talon, Dr. Dark, and Anya the Ex-Assassin will have to wait until the final issue.

Talon #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Lord Death Man is just off-kilter enough for me to want him deep inside me. Not in a sexual way! Although I'm not sure what other way there might be that's medically sound and not too gay. I can handle a procedure that's a little bit gay, even up to 49% gay. But that's where I draw the line! I can't give my high school friends and every guy on Xbox Live the satisfaction of being right about my sexual identity! Although I suppose Lord Death Man could be a woman! Sure, two of the words in her name might lead you to the opposite conclusion but that doesn't actually prove anything. Maybe I should just desire to be deep inside her and then I get to keep the illusion of my heterosexuality intact! I mean the reality of my heterosexuality! Whew. That was a close one!

Talon #15

Is Marguerite Bennett DC's pinch hitter? Should we start a pool for what hero she'll eventually write a monthly for? Or has it already been revealed by Bleeding We're Too Cool For School News?

Marguerite's name always makes me hungry for pizza and tequila! Calvin Rose's name always makes me hungry because I usually eat when I'm bored.

I just asked Lord Google when Talon was going to be cancelled so I can write my commentary with that knowledge tucked safely away in my brain bank before getting started. Actually, I asked Lord Google "Talon cancelle" which is probably why he doesn't fucking respect my amazing intellect. That led me to a forum on comic vine and, even though I know better than to waste my time in a forum on a popular website, I began scanning the responses. This was the first response after the initial post of Talon #17's synopsis:

The Stegman: "Kinda saw this coming, it's why I didn't add it to my pull, I'm done investing time and money into a title to have it cancelled before issue 20"

At the risk of exposing myself as a total asshole, I'd like to say this to The Stegman: "Fuck you, you psychic bitch!" Okay, that probably wasn't very clear or necessary but I kind of feel like I'm letting myself down if I don't allow myself to be a jerk to people I don't know who have expressed an opinion that I don't agree with and that I really don't fucking understand. The reason you didn't add this to your pull list is because you knew it would be cancelled before Issue #20 and that would have wasted your time and money? Sorry for repeating what The Stegman just said for people with competent reading comprehension but I just had to do that "double take in text by repeating the other person's statement" thing before I continue.

So. Dr. Stegman. How is your time and money wasted on a story if it doesn't somehow reach your magical number of twenty? How is that some kind of loss to your time? Was your Doctorate Thesis working out a formula for exactly how long a story must be to make it worth a person's time and money? Entertainment = Length of story times...oh wait. Those are all of your variables! The length of the story is equal to the entertainment value of the money! Of course, I'm making an assumption that is opening up a chink in my logical armor by equating "worthwhile investment of time and money" as "entertainment value."

Now if your reasoning had been "I don't want to read seventeen more fucking issues of the Court of Owls which is why I didn't add it to my pull," I'd agree with you. Except by your rationale, twenty more issues of the Court of Owls would have somehow made it worth it! I'm wondering if this is just a subtle and coded defense for pirating Talon? Is that it? Is that the piece I'm missing because if you throw in that variable, what you're saying kind of makes sense. You're tired of paying for comic books and the fact that they never get up to issue twenty is reason enough for you to pirate them?

Once again! Chink in my logical armor due to a supposition! But you can't really have a rational debate when the debate begins with a nonsensical and irrational premise!

I wonder if I should read more of this forum! Maybe Doctor Too Important For Short Comic Runs Stegman will explain himself (or herself although most probably himself) further!

I did read further! And most of the other comments were other psychics chiming in with more variations of "saw this coming TBH" or "thought it would have happened sooner smh" or "DC sucks."

If you hadn't been able to tell, I'm avoiding reading the actual comic book. Talon really has bored me to fucking orgasm for 75% of its run. No, I don't spontaneously orgasm when I get bored! But I do often choose to masturbate when I get bored! I mean, have sex with lots and lots of willing partners!

Is this the Talon version of the Venom Suit?

As you can see if you actually read the words in the pictures, this issue is called "For Every Life, a Feather." What the fuck does that mean? Is that referring to the Egyptian method of a judging souls that I may or may not be misremembering? Maybe it has something to do with angels? Oh wait! Do Talon's leave behind a feather whenever they take a life? That might be it!

I've mentioned time and time again that I'm completely sick of The Court of Owls. But that might not be as true as I've led myself to believe! I think I still love the Court of Owls as a shadowy organization controlling Gotham but that's seen as a nothing more than an Urban Legend. Feathers being found next to freshly killed Gothamites is interesting to me in the continuance of the superstition in the hearts and minds of the residents of Gotham. I like The Court of Owls as a possibility and a warning and scary tale more than I actually like them as a group of greedy, power hungry assholes who delude themselves into believing their motives are for the good of everyone when they're really just out to line their pockets and bolster their egos.

I also like The Gotham Butcher because who doesn't love a murderous scamp giving the finger to authority figures? "Who's my widdle muwdewer? Who's a cutey? Who's a killer sweet puff?"

I hope I like Venom Talon as much as I liked The Gotham Butcher! More actually since...and let me be frank and honest for once in my shallow life...I really didn't find him all that fascinating anyway. It's just he was more exciting than dead Calvin Rose the Escape Artist that suddenly had no reason to escape any death traps because he couldn't fucking die.

The story runs backwards revisiting moment by previous moment which Venom Talon has experienced while wandering through the Labyrinth.

Stuff happens.

According to my interpretation of this vision, Venom Talon's mother viewed her children as chickens. She butchered the lot of them but Venom Talon was saved by the blind flaming-maned lion of righteous justice. Which means Commissioner Gordon shot her dead before she could kill her final child. But her child now thinks of himself as a bird and he was an orphan so the members of The Court of Owls all looked one from the other while pointing to their chests and then to another member's chest and mouthing, "Yeah? You? Me? Yeah? No? No? Yeah? Him? What?" Then the Grandmaster said in a great booming voice, "Dost Thou Think What I Dost Think?" Unless he knew archaic English grammar better than I do and then he probably would have said that differently. So The Court took the little bird boy into its open arms because they really get fucking tired of people saying "take the orphan under their wings." Plus they're all really into Journey.

Oh, and the gigantic owl in the background of the picture is The Court (that symbol was tough to crack) swooping down on Commissioner Gordon and the Gotham Police Department to snatch the child out of their clutches where they shove him into Owl School. That's where an elderly schoolmarm (the vulture!) teaches him the proper Talon Catechisms.

The name of the issue becomes apparent when Venom Talon removes his mask showing feathers carved all over his face with more still covering his body. He's stolen Zsasz's act but put a little panache into it! While Zsasz just winds up looking like a chalkboard or a crazy cat lady that the cats hate, Venom Talon at least looks more and more birdlike! A grotesque and macabre version of a bird but still kind of birdlike in that birds have feathers on them.

Oh yeah. That Egyptian thing was part of it too. As well as every legendary bird ever mentioned in any culture, such as the Roc, Phoenix, Thunderbird, and Articuno.

Venom Talon remembers all the way back to when he fell in with Haly's Circus and how he wasn't very talented in anything in particular but he was Daredevil without fear! Which is why the Court of Owls chose him over all the other orphans they'd scooped up in the dark and placed inside their nest.

And before that, way back in Venom Talon's Zero Year (which was 1918, if you must know for future test reference), Jonas (that's his name because it means "dove" and "destroyer" which I didn't even have to ask Lord Google about because Marguerite told me herself) experienced a critical moment in his life's path! The Spanish Flu had killed nearly his entire family, leaving just his mother and himself. She blamed the birds because even back then Bird Flu was a scary media catchphrase! So little Jonas's mother went crazy and murdered all the birds in the vicinity. That's when Jonas figured he should probably run away and join the circus.

And that's the end of another Talon's story which is actually all Talon's stories because all Talons are the same Talon. All of those Talon's that have kept their identities, like William Cobb and The Gotham Butcher and Strix and Calvin Rose? Failures. Utter fucking failures. But Venom Talon née Jonas? He got it fucking right.

Talon #15 Rating: +2 Ranking because I actually found a Talon story interesting! Also Calvin Rose was not in it and I'm bored with his bullshit.

Detective Comics #25

Look out, Jim Gordon! It's Zero Year! You'd better make it fucking exciting, you boring non-powered authoritarian fuckbag.

After 2200 posts, I finally labeled one of my posts "NSFW" because I mentioned how my posts are Never Safe For Work in a quote about a Gotham Police Officer sucking Batman's dick. Sorry for everybody that actually tries to block Not Safe For Work posts on their Tumblr dash (since none of my NSFW shit is visual, I figure it's not needed anyway) because that was a mistake I won't be repeating again! I immediately got follows from "SeeThisThroat," "MegaCougars," and "FaceDestruction." Although they could have followed me because of the tag "Go suck a batdick." Anyway, I hate to disappoint these people but I, sadly, will not be following them back. It's not that I'm against porn! It's just that I'm a snob who barely follows anybody. If I follow you, you should be inordinately proud! Proud that a sad, sadistic, cynical, housebound, grumpy asshat found something in common with you!

Actually, most of the people I follow on Tumblr I follow because they're completely different than me. I can live vicariously through a completely different life experience. I suppose "SeeThisThroat" probably offers something different but it's just not, for some reason, tickling my curiosity. You know what I mean.

Six years ago, Jim Gordon was about to die. But then he didn't. He lived instead! This made Jim Gordon angry! But happy too! He was angry at the men that tried to kill him not because he had lived! He was happy that he had lived even though some men had just tried to kill him! Those men were crooked cops and the year was Zero Year! For some reason!

Jim Gordon climbed from the river where he had been tossed like a sack of kittens and said, "This must be Zero Year! I will fight for justice and the American Way and possibly truth although what is truth, really? I mean, it depends on your experience and your perspective and whether or not you were force-fed a whole bunch of religious pablum as you were growing up as opposed to being allowed to watch Bill Nye and Beakman on Saturday Mornings." He then dusted the river water off of his trenchcoat and walked away to visit the emergency room because he just fell like five million feet into the water and he must have at least ruptured a testicle or something.

What is wrong with you, Jim Gordon? Stop worrying about the weather and get to a hospital already!

Perhaps Jim Gordon's mustache acted like a parachute and helped slow his decent. Then it acted like an air bag and helped cushion the impact. And then it acted like a pair of water wings and helped keep him afloat. And people think mustaches are just accessories to twirl and wax and make into outrageous shapes to hide the fact that you have no personality and are a complete bore to drink PBR with.

Instead of obsessing over the fact that he somehow survived his fall from the Trigate Bridge, praising God and miracles and Baby Jesuses and, possibly, Allah, Jim Gordon decides to have a nice long reminisce. He remembers things that happened in the past week like when The Black Mask Gang appeared on the scene. Jim and his partner, Francis Laney, arrived too late at one of the Black Mask Crime Scenes. Laney said, "Shucks! We lost 'em!" And Jim said, "We could have found them if you weren't so stupid!" And Laney said, "Duh!" And Jim said, "And sloppy!" And Laney said, "Whoops!" And Jim said, "And crooked!" And Laney said, "I'll kill you, Jim Gordon. I. Will. Kill. You." And Jim said, "Umm, what?" And Laney said, "Pretend I Narration Boxed that!" And Jim said, "Okay! Let's go get some coffee, partner!"

Or something like that. Sometimes what my eyes pick up winds up radically different after being processed by my brain. My fingers don't help either. They often type shit that even my brain didn't tell them to. Little fuckers.

Once Jim got back to Headquarters, he began going through the Employment Opportunity ads in The Daily Planet. But he knows they'd never hire a Gotham City police man. He'd have to assume a secret identity and leave his whole life behind him. So he decides to get his ass working on cleaning up Gotham. If only he had a superhero pal to help him out!

Amazing Detective work, Jim! "All the robberies took place near a McDonald's! I think I know the culprit and I'm going to question the clown immediately!" And just because he's right (about Roman, not about the clown!), it doesn't make it good detective work!

Jim decides to investigate anyway and he discovers that Janus Cosmetics also sells masks. "Aha!" he thinks. "The Smoking Gun! I've got Sionis!" Holy fuck, how did Gordon ever become Commissioner?!

Meanwhile, six years ago, Harvey Bullock was not fat.

Gordon keeps pressing his investigation so Commissioner Loeb sets Gordon up with the man that will eventually throw him off of a bridge to keep Gordon from discovering the truth. That's good police work! But Gordon is the master of police work! He gets played for a full week by Henshaw (the cop killer!) so that Gordon can get lots of evidence against him and the Black Mask. And then, just like he planned, he survives being thrown off of a bridge so that he has the final nail in the corpse casket against Henshaw and the other crooked cops working for The Black Mask.

Jesus. How is Blackgate Prison full of prisoners if nobody can be fucking arrested in this city?

Gordon overplays his hand and shows how he has enough evidence to bust Laney (the guy with the gun on Gordon) as well as Henshaw and several others. So now Laney has nothing to lose and is about to put a bullet in Gordon when Bullock saves the day! Seriously? Two good cops in one Gotham Precinct?! What are the fucking odds?

Eventually Jim becomes Commissioner and Bullock begins smoking and eating Popeyes way too much. Although is that a thing? Can you actually eat Popeyes way too much? I mean, I could probably live on their biscuits alone. How do they turn butter into the consistency of bread?! Fucking warlocks.

The back-up story sets the stage for more Man-Bat stories to come. Boo! Hiss! Bah! Lame! Man-bat sucks!

Detective Comics #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I tend to think I read comic books for super hero stories. But as long as I get a really nice character driven piece, or a well-thought out study of a current character, I'm more than happy. This was a sexy look into Jim Gordon's past. And it included some surprise Bullock shots for the Bullock Fandom out there. Does that exist? Is that a thing?

Court of Owls #1

All I want for Court of Owls Christmas is to find out when they started. And why! And how! And by whom!

Since the Court of Owls are a new threat to Batman's precious Gotham City, I don't have to do a Who's Who entry on them! Suck it, God!

The issue begins in Gotham City in 1974. I know that isn't when the Court began! It began at least ten years earlier! Maybe more even! The Narration Boxes are black with white font which, I suspect, means it's a Talon narrating. It could also be the most selfish, oldest, most rubber mask wearingest member of the Court of Owls. He's called the Grandmaster and he can't stand meddling kids.

Since the first Narration Box says, "I like to see imagine their faces when it happens," it proves two things: it's not a Talon talking because a Talon would get to see the non-believer's face and I tend to jump the gun when commenting on the story. Instead of actually getting into the mood and reading even the first fucking page, I start commenting on the color of the typeface! I wonder if this habit can be tied to the reason my mother was constantly screaming at me?

That makes me think of an assignment one of my grade school teachers handed out one day that was a great big fucking trick to play on elementary school kids. She passed around some ditto sheets (yes, dittos! Not copies! Not printed pages! Fucking mimeographed dittos!) that had a numbered list on it. Above the numbered list was a paragraph that said some shit and said to read all the directions before continuing. What that meant was to read over the entire list because the last item on the list said to ignore all of the others which had you marking up the page. But to an elementary school kid who is given tests all the fucking time, the instructions to the test are at the top and the numbered points the questions. So if it said to read all the instructions, not one fucking kid was going to read "all the questions" on the page. It was a big fucking trick by changing up the paradigm they'd hammered into us day in and day out up until that moment.

Of course, it may have been the best lessons I learned in my whole school career and I learned it early. Don't fucking trust teachers. Teachers are smart ass dicks. Tests are bullshit. And following instructions is all they ever wanted out of any of us. Bastards!

The Court of Owls thrive on a neutral Gotham, neither too chaotic nor too lawful. But at the news of Batman's possible death, the city has fallen apart.

Look at the thug stealing the printer! "MY DATABASES NEED TO BE ORGANIZED!"

While the streets run unread with illiterate assholes, Daddy Owl tells Daughter Owl a story about the Court of Owls that took place in 1914. Still too late! I want early stories! I want the fucking beginning already!

The mayor that year was elected on a populist ticket and now he's trying to bring in a bunch of unions to set up shop in Gotham. But the Court has different ideas, of course. They can't allow any power shifts that weren't expressly their idea. Because they like to wield the power! Owls are the most power hungry bird of the animal kingdom! Besides the penguin.

That's what he said! WHO?! Oh wait! I get it. That's supposed to be intimidating.

The mayor does what the Court wants the Owls still wind up killing him by throwing him in their labyrinth. Hmm. How exactly does a labyrinth fit into the theme of the Court of Owls? I don't think owls like labyrinths, so it must be a metaphor for the bureaucracy of the courts system. So he's dead! The Owls win! Yay! Next story!

"No, no dear. It's "WHO?" You never were the brightest owlet in the nest."

The next story takes place in 1891. That's getting better! But in 1914, Owl Orchards said they'd been in power for centuries. So we're still at least 100 years away from the Owls true origin!

In this story, a photographer and his wife are killed because he took a picture of the owls sitting about in their masks watching 19th Century pornography. I think that's composed of a man in a full wool bathing suit showing his flaccid bulge through the cloth while a fully clothed woman with bare wrists holds up a sign that says, "Tallywacker."

The next story takes place in The Narrows in 1862 and features a familiar face!

I guess the Owls can't control everything. Although they are pretty good at secrecy and manipulation. So I bet they actually wanted this member of the Court killed which is why they sent him to rein in The Gotham Butcher.

Eventually The Gotham Butcher is put down and the Court of Owls rise up stronger and blah blah blah. I get it! The Owls are motherfucking Goddamned awesome! Get to the point of the story! Get to the beginning and the only thing that can save the Court at a time like this when Gotham is being burnt to the ground!

How cute! The Court of Owls have a First just like Slayers and Vampires do! Now open the fucking door and tell your little girl how it all began! DO IT! DO IT NOW!

But he doesn't do it. His daughter does kill the jerk with the crossbow trying to stop The Court from UNLEASHING the First Talon on Gotham. So Daddy Owl opens the door and gazes upon the tomb of the First Talon. And then the issue ends.

The Court of Owls #1 Rating: You know, it was a pretty good issue up until the part where it failed to tell me anything new about the Court. I enjoyed the writing and the daddy/daughter dynamic and the little stories. But I learned nothing new except that there was a First Talon. And guess what? I'm pretty sure I could have fucking extrapolated that knowledge. I'm not a genius but I know counting things usually begins with one! Unless you're counting by twos or threes or something. And guess where the First Talon will be making his appearance to help clean up Gotham City? Earth 2! No, no. Of course not! Oh, but that makes me wonder: is there a Court of Owls on Earth 2?! Anyway, The First Talon will be sure to bore your fucking socks off in "the pages of Talon!"

Batman Incorporated #11

Yay! Batumano! And Sailor Robin!

So I was walking through Tokyo this one time and I happened to very extremely innocently wander into a red light district. As I'm walking past one particular club, the doorman in an expensive suit looks at me and calls out, "Hey American! American! You speak Japanese?" I do not and I told him so. He responds, "Too bad for you!" and finishes his statement with a mad cackle. I've always just assumed the place was a hostess bar or something similar but now I'm wondering if he wasn't just a Batman of Japan super villain! I bet he was recruiting for The Legion of We're Very Sorry for the Inconvenience.

Grant Morrison Chris Burnham begins the issue just trying to remind everybody that they're supposed to be sad.

Grant Morrison Chris Burnham, you're a dick. This actually made me really sad.

Now that everyone with any kind of feelings at all is thoroughly depressed and only the dicks with no hearts are wondering why the fuck  a forlorn cat in the rain at the grave of his friend should make anybody sad, the action moves to Tokyo where some super hot women are riding motorcycles and judging people for drinking coffee and bickering amongst their super sexy selves! They're all wearing helmets so I hope they don't eventually take the helmets off and show that they have fish faces because then I'm going to feel sick from having masturbated to this first page!

Of course I covered up the panel with Alfred the Cat! What do you think I am? A sick bastard?

The police arrive but they can't handle these women so they send out the Bat Alarm!

The Batman of Japan, Jiro, is having dinner with Canary inside an aquarium. I think this has something to do with all of those shrink ray jokes from earlier issues!

So that's why he wanted a shrink ray! So he could bang Canary!

Apparently Batman didn't lie about not having a shrink ray because Jiro and Canary are merely having dinner in a virtual reality space. But Batman does now know somebody with a Shrink Belt! Although if he works it so Jiro can borrow it, that kind of makes Batman Canary's pimp. Also, it might be a little weird helping Batman of Japan fuck his sidekick.

They don't have a Shrink Ray but they have a device that puts their costumes on for them.

I wish Grant Morrison had drawn this issue!

Actually, I'm probably pretty glad that Morrison didn't draw this issue since I like the look of it so far. I don't think I've seen anything drawn by Jorge Lucas so far. Also, does every Batman Incorporated Cave come with a dinosaur? I don't think Batwing got one. Maybe that's because he was Batwing and not another Batman. I see Jiro also has a bunch of tubes with different costumes in them just like Rotten Robbie of Lazytown has! I wonder if Rotten Robbie is the Batman of Lazytown?

I read Teen Titans #20 a few hours ago just before I drowned myself in the bathtub (I'm cursed to always rise again) and I may have mentioned how awful Scott Lobdell's writing was. He writes snarky, bullshit, unfunny, unbelievable young people and it's ruining The New 52's version of The Teen Titans. But I think I just found Scott Lobdell's replacement: Chris Burnham! This next page is better than every line of snark Lobdell has put to paper in the last year and a half.

Except that crack about the forty year old boyfriend. That hurt my feelings!

Jiro and Canary kind of get their asses handed to them by the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers. But Canary does manage to blow up one of their bikes with her tiny sonic scream which pisses them all off. But it also scares them because none of the others want to lose a motorcycle. They retreat and Jiro and Canary head back to the Batbase.

Jiro does some fancy Batman hokey pokey and discovers the location of the secret base of the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers. Except they might actually be more like Voltron.

Except they don't have a fat one.

They also don't have one named Jason, I don't think. And they don't have a young one or an unintelligible one or the one that's interchangeable with the leader but isn't the leader so he has to act like he doesn't really want to be the leader. This team just has five princesses. But they're far more entertaining than the princess from G-force! Not the guinea pig G-force! The Battle of the Planets G-force!

I think the green one might be my girlfriend!

Oh no! What do they mean they're sorry about what they are under the helmets?! Oh man, I knew it! They have fish heads, don't they!?

The next page begins with Jiro yelling "Bat-fluff!" and hurling his diamond tipped darts with nanotech destroying computer viruses embedded in them. And there's yet another moment I like so I guess I'll shove the comic book back into the scanner yet again! At least it's easier than writing!

Putting "bitches" at the end of any statement just makes that statement sound better. I append it to every single thing I say. Not everything I type, though! That would be annoying.

These darts cause the helmets to melt and reveal the faces of the women beneath. Umm. Oh. Ugh. I'll be right back.

Well, they didn't have fish faces but they did have melty gross disgusting cybernetics-gone-wrong faces! And because Leviathan did this to them and then abandoned them when they lost their looks, the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers decide to join forces with Batman of Japan and Canary to take down Queen Lady Tiger Fist! Lady Tiger Fist doesn't sound so threatening. I'd much rather get smacked by a tiger that was making a fist than one that was striking with an open paw full of claws.

Oh wait. Her fists are tiger heads. I think I'll pass on getting punched in the face by a tiger's bite.

Jiro and Canary trick Lady Tiger Fist into their virtual reality prison and cart her off to real prison. Then they get back into their own virutal reality world as quickly as possible so Canary can virtually "hold an apple" if you get my meaning. Except my meaning is the same as the actual meaning of the words because Canary really does decide to hold an apple. I think I used that phrase wrong. And then the comic book returns to Batman screaming his head off and flying off to meet Talia as Armored Batmanmanbatbatbatmanmanbat in Armor.

Batman Incorporated #11 Rating: No change. Although I should figuratively give it a +1 because this comic was a lot of fun. But it didn't continue the Batman Inc story and, besides, actually raising it a rank would knock Batman from the top spot. And I'm not quite ready to do that yet, bitches!