Lois and Clark #1

Disappointed father. Alcoholic mother. Poor little Jon-double-el is going to be a mess.

Based on this cover, I think I'm finally going to talk about the art more than the story! Superman looks like he's trying not to shit himself or his fancy new black costume. Hopefully the black costume doesn't indicate a grimmer, more obsessed Superman because I don't think he can get any grimmer or more obsessed. But what am I thinking? This is Preboot Superman! He's going to be a fun loving, compassionate, patient man. Right?

This issue begins with Preboot Lois Lane describing the Justice League's battle with Darkseid after she and Preboot Clark had been on Earth-You for exactly one day. Um. What? Now I have to make sense of more convoluted continuity bullshit? DC Comics, can you please stop fixing your universe? You know how they say don't fix it if it ain't broken? Well, that doesn't apply to your universe. But how about this saying that I'm making up just for you: don't bother breaking it more when it's completely broken and useless already! Hmm, maybe I should take my own advice! Maybe I should just gaze down at the broken universe and all the extra pieces scattered all over the floor and shrug my shoulders and just accept that I'm going to have to live with this mess in my garage.

No way! I'm going to at least try to make some sense out of it before it's all explained when I turn the page!

Here's what I know: Convergence restored the Infinite DC Universe by changing up the battle against the Anti-monitor during the Crisis. This Clark, Lois, and their child went back to help. Apparently after they arrived and the Anti-Monitor was stopped, one day later Darkseid attacked and the New 52 Justice League saved the day. No wait. That can't be right. Maybe I should just let Lois Lane explain what happened.

See? She's such a great reporter that after one day, she knows this Earth is suspicious, doubting, edgy, and without faith! She'll totally be able to explain what's going on!

Lois and Clark and their baby squat in a dilapidated farmhouse. Lucky! They've only been on Earth-You for one or two days and they're already doing better at life than I am!

That's crazy! What a bonkers world!

Superman sits down to recount what happened during and after Convergence! I don't know how he can be so calm on a world without faith where Cyborg isn't a Teen Titan. I guess that's what makes him Superman and me just a guy who would already be dead if I had been transferred to a different version of Earth.

Superman's story is pretty much what I already said except after saving the multiverse, he and Lois were transported to Earth-You since their Earth was now different. Or something. Why they didn't stay on the newly saved Earth-1, only God and DC's editors know. And that's pretty much it! So basically Earth-You is a lot like Earth-1 in the Pre-Crisis years except without faith. But it has two Supermen again, a young one and an old one. So totally just like Pre-Crisis Earth-1!

Superman points out how the people of Earth-You don't trust their Superman which seems like an assumption being that he's only had one day to judge and that day was a day where the Justice League saved the Earth. But I'll allow him the leap of logic because it's completely spot-on due to the people of Earth-You sucking as hard as any comic book population has ever sucked. Bunch of xenophobic assholes is what they are. So Clark decides that he and Lois should just lie low and raise their kid to about seven years old without anybody knowing about them.

I guess this inappropriately pops the boners of people who ship Lois and Clark but I hate the little bastard already, trying to be all adorable with his stupid dog named Ranger.

Jon-double-el is a whiny little bastard who probably has bunches of people fooled into thinking he's the best thing since the Greeks invented the word "best" and began using it to describe everything to make their lives seem super cool and then then Romans invented the word "literally" which totally trumped those idiot Greeks because their life was only the best while the Roman way of life was now literally the best. Idiots!

Superman has been out acting like a hero for years while wearing the undercover Black Superman uniform. Oh, and guess what? His powers are fluctuating and he's getting weaker! Go figure. Can't have a Superman who's too powerful because then all the Marvel Fanboys get to say things like, "DC Comics suck because Superman is way overpowered. It's like how is anything ever a threat to him? It doesn't make any logical sense or anything. But like, I guess Batman is kind of cool." Also DC Fanboys probably like Superman depowered too so they can respond to their Marvel friends with things like, "Pshaw! That was the old Superman! The current Superman has like problems and junk and isn't as powerful as when he sweated that one time bench pressing six Earths. Now he can only like lift a motorcycle and people don't like him at all. They totally treat him like an X-person. You'd totally dig it." And then the Marvel Fanboy is all "DC movies suck Hulk dick!" And the DC Fanboy is all "Eww! I can't win that argument with any existing twist of fanboy logic because it's so true!" Then the Image Fanboy is all "Just wait until all of the Image movies come out! Then you'll see!" And the Marvel and DC Fanboys are all "You don't get an opinion no matter how strong Image comics are right now because Image broke comic books in the nineties."

Lois and Clark discover that Hank Henshaw is returning from his ten year mission to Jupiter. I bet the Jupiter Crew were five years into the mission when NASA let them know about Green Lanterns and told them to just turn around and come home. Lois and Clark are worried that the ship, the Excalibur, is going to crash and turn Hank Henshaw into another Cyborg Superman. Knowing how crazy this world is, Cyborg Superman will then probably join the Teen Titans. Wacky!

Oh he's so precocious and observant! He's going to be trouble!

Lois has been publishing books under the pseudonym "Agent X". She raises awareness and crap. Her new book is going to let everybody know that Intergang is bad. Whew! I thought Intergang was getting off easy with everybody concentrating their hatred on the Supremacists and Superman. Instead of emailing the file to her publisher, she meets her in a clandestine back alley meeting where they're spied by some eavesdropper with glasses. If it weren't for the glasses, I would probably recognize who it was.

Superman busies himself with making sure Henshaw's ship doesn't crash. He lands it safe on a Pacific island where a bunch of uncivilized natives can see the bright light fall and praise the gods. Ha ha! They're so ignorant and not American!

Henshaw survives but he's still in his space suit when the scene changes so he might already be a monster!

Meanwhile in a distant star system, some woman with a flaming sword is searching for the Oblivion Stone. I'd guess it was Maxima but she was already introduced in Supergirl and she was sort of nice. Maybe it's just a Magic the Gathering player looking for the final card she needs to create the ultimate unbeatable deck. Then she'll return to Earth, beat Jon-double-el in a Magic Tournament and make him cry. So then Superman will have to teach her a lesson! With his fists!

Lois and Clark #1 Rating: It's weird that this comic book takes place on Earth-You but I guess it's all part of DC's plan to continue to make their universe as confusing as possible while constantly freaking out about how they should fix it. At least it provides a glimpse of a Superman who is doing good simply for the sake of doing good. And a Lois helping the world with her writing without obsessing over page hits and Pulitzers. That kid has got to go though! What a little snot! I bet y'all like him, don't you?! Kid lovers! I hope his best friend at school is Danny Chase so I can hate the little shit even more for bringing that Scrappy Doo jerk-off into the DC Youniverse! I'm happy for a comic book with a seemingly reasonable Superman in it but it's still a seemingly reasonable Superman being written by Dan Jurgens and edited by Eddie Berganza so nobody get their hopes up! I'll rank this at #22 and let it fight it out with Superman for the best Superman book. Obviously this one is already better but that doesn't make it all that compelling. Unless you like Jon-double-el, of course! Which y'all probably do! Ugh!

Superman #44

"Lies" would be the perfect title to reveal that all the Superman stories since The New 52 began were just Lex Luthor Fanfiction.

Superman has lost his powers and is now mad at Lois Lane for stupid CW Arrow reasons. And since this story takes place before the stories in the other Superman comic books, things are just going to get worse for Superman as well as any readers who decided to hold off reading the other comics until "Before Truth" was over.

For now, Clark is just discovering how much everybody in the DC Youniverse hates his Kryptonian guts, or whatever it is those gross aliens have in their indestructible bellies. Probably just organs for stealing jobs and seducing Earth women.

The first people to make Clark feel unwelcome are the Royal Flush Gang. The second people are the police who try to arrest him for comic book reasons. Those reasons go something like this: Superman is cool as long as he's just Superman. But if Superman is sometimes somebody else, he's not cool but dangerous instead. Um, that's it. That's the whole argument. It probably makes sense to people smarter than me.

The third person to make Clark feel like an ass is Livewire. For some reason, she's taken some people at the Daily Planet hostage. I guess she wants Superman to get angry and kick her ass. Why else would she be threatening the people at his place of work? If I were a super villain and I discovered that Superman worked at McDonald's, I would stop going to McDonald's. I would not do any crime near McDonald's. I would not commit any crime in the city in which that McDonald's is located. What I would not do is instantly go cause trouble at that McDonald's. Livewire is an idiot.

Livewire's friends are also idiots.

I'm not sure what Killer Croc is doing out of Gotham and away from the displaced people he protects. I'm sure he has a logical reason for pissing off Superman that isn't simply that he's recognizable enough to throw on the cover. He might also still be possessed by Xa-Du. They're all probably possessed by Xa-Du!

Perry gets wounded as Superman subdues the bad guys which is probably why Perry is so pissed at him later. Either that or everybody just forgot that he isn't J. Jonah Jameson.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

After Superman realizes everybody in the world is a complete douchebag, he puts out a video threatening everybody if they do anybody he loves any harm. You know, instead of releasing a compassionate, thoughtful video discussing how he grew up as Clark Kent and how Clark Kent is not a lie. Instead of reaching out to garner people's sympathy, he simply stokes their fear. Good job, asshole. You're no Superman! You haven't been Superman since The New 52 began!

Superman #44 Rating: -2 Ranking. I guess angry Superman hated by everybody on Earth is the Superman the fans of DC Comics deserve. I don't know what we did to deserve this version of Superman but since it's the one DC Comics is giving us, we must deserve it, right?! Where do I go to repent whatever sins caused this so that I can get a Superman who cares about people, who's compassionate, who has a never ending supply of patience, and who manages to retain the powers that should allow him to be the most non-violent superhero in comics? At least if he has to have problems, can y'all make them believable? Because I'm just not buying this whole thing where everybody hates Superman now that they know he has a secret identity. The population of DC's Earth aren't only xenophobic assholes, they're idiots to boot.

Convergence: Action Comics #1

Superman's eyesight is so powerful that he has to squint everywhere he goes or he'll go insane.

The problems with feminism in the modern age are the same problems that plagued feminism in the seventies and beyond. One feminist will believe something that another feminist doesn't believe and they disagree on who is doing feminism better. You know, the whole splitters thing. The problem with this is that it isn't a problem. That's a feature of feminism! The disagreeing is a feature, not the accusing somebody else of not being a feminist simply because they're not doing it the way you would do it. Of course, if their feminism is all about subjugating women, I think we'd have to agree that their feminism might be missing the point. I'm not saying each person gets to define feminism so loosely that it loses all meaning. I'm just saying that, ultimately, feminism is about each individual being allowed to live the life that they want to live without society (you know, the Patriarchy) being a barrier to their dreams and goals. Unless their dreams and goals are, you know, the systematic enslavement and destruction of a certain subset of people based on...well, based on anything, really! Although who am I to genocide shame anybody?

I've always considered myself a feminist simply because I believe in the right of the individual to be who they want to be. But I certainly don't expect anybody to read any of my commentaries and come to the conclusion that I'm a feminist, especially in the current cultural climate. I'm (half!) white. I'm male. I'm heterosexual. I don't believe it's oppression every time the word retard or faggot or nigger or cunt is used (like that time!). Although notice that list (which can be expanded but I don't want to oppress everybody reading this!)? Where is the horribly offensive term for a white heterosexual male, right (even if the list were expanded, I can't think of a slur for a white cishet male (other than calling one a white cishet male! Zing!)? My theory (besides the theory about white cishet males doing all of the oppression in Western Society for so long that they've made up all of the best slurs (I mean best in most effectively used in conjunction with oppressing minorities and not best as in they're so awesome to use all of the time!) is that white males have historically been thought of as the "blank slate" or the "normal" members of society. So they're not told that they're "whatever" simply because they're part of a minority group. From the moment of their birth, they're considered an individual only and they grow up with that mindset. It's the ultimate privilege to not be told you should be a certain way because of your sex or skin color or religion. From birth, white cishet males get to be individuals. And as a "group of individuals," it's hard to come up with a slur that somehow targets and encompasses them all. Also to give credence to the "words as oppressive" argument (notice earlier I said using slurs is not oppression "every time" they're used. Just hearing or seeing the word in neutral context does not constitute being oppressed. Seriously. Buck the fuck up), the minority (and I use that phrase in the context of white cishet males as being the majority benefactors of the current (and historical) Patriarchy) voice cannot be used to oppress the majority. So any slur a minority group can come up with for the majority group will, at best, anger some of the individuals in that majority but can never truly be considered a slur. My high school friend Soy Rakelson used to turn red with rage whenever somebody attacked white males while I just never gave a shit. Because I don't see myself as part of the "white male" group. I just see myself as me.

Identity is key in the discussion of free speech and oppression (I know I'm all over the place here but what do you expect? This is a comic book commentary and not an academic essay!). I have never felt oppressed by speech of any kind because I don't consider myself a part of any overall group (again, this is the biggest privilege of all white cishet males. The ones that get offended by anti-white or anti-male speech are simply making a show of trying to be a victim by pretending that ultimate privilege doesn't somehow exist for them). One of the oppressors key weapons is absolutely language. To fight against the Patriarchy, minorities must form groups based on the traits which the majority uses to oppress the groups. So the Civil Rights movement, which would theoretically wind up benefiting all minority groups, was really a movement for equal rights for black Americans. Feminism is ostensibly about making gender a non-issue but ultimately about equal rights for, once again, all citizens. To fight the Patriarchy, a person in a minority group must ostensibly give up their individuality. They must identify with the group fighting against the powers that be. It's necessary to form a united front. At this point, splitters are dangerous to a movement. First and foremost, it must be about the group identity. And this is when words can (and are, constantly, used to) oppress. The Patriarchy pushes back and uses slurs that target everybody within that group. And everybody in that group must be offended because it is an attack on the movement and what they believe. Words are the front line of all civil rebellion so words used against minority groups must be taken seriously and deemed absolutely inappropriate, and often that's interpreted as in any context (even in a discussion about how these slurs have been used historically and why they should not be allowed).

As a white cishet male, words have never been used as a weapon against me so I can easily support free speech. The thing is, free speech really isn't in any danger of being curtailed no matter how many people angrily rant that their free speech is being eroded because they were called an asshole for calling somebody a retard. You can still call somebody a retard, or review a television show as being gay. It just comes with more social consequences than it did in the eighties. And being called out on being insensitive isn't curtailing your free speech. It's called having to take responsibility for your choices as an adult living in this current cultural climate (which is, believe it or not, a neutral statement by me and not a judgment on the "current cultural climate". Look, I love calling my friends retarded and gay! Because they are! But it's wrong so I don't do it anymore. Unless they do something totally retarded or gay). The fact that people are having discussions about whether or not free speech is dangerous or necessary is testament to how speech is, well, free. People get angry at something. Other people get angry at people getting angry at something. More people get angry at people getting angry at people getting angry at something. And so on and so forth. But nobody is being arrested for having these discussions.

The end of that last paragraph makes it sound like everybody's heads are constantly exploding. But I don't see that at all. Occasionally, you'll see an outbreak of outrage on a variety of levels and from all sides about something on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook or Whtvr (trademarked!). But for regular, non-troll people that spend a lot of their time on those sites, those moments are few and far between. I see a lot more people just enjoying themselves. And a lot of people agree on a lot of stuff that is seriously good feminism. Yeah, I'm judging their feminism like I said shouldn't be done earlier. But I'm an individual with his own preferences and biases and horrible uses of language and that comes with my own set of horrible opinions that nobody should take any heed of whatsoever.

I know some people probably think I should keep my mouth shut and just listen but that's fucking bullshit propaganda so people don't have to have serious discussions with other people whose views differ slightly from theirs. It's a way to shut up splitters and I won't be a part of that kind of bullying!

Oh! Quickly getting back to the point of it all about splitters and movements and language being used to undermine the messages of those movements! Splitters are inevitable and not a bad thing, ultimately. They will fray a movement if a movement lasts long enough because no group will ever be a perfect representation of all of the members of that group. The group must try to keep from splitting long enough to make changes in the Patriarchy. The Patriarchy uses language to try to cause splitters and get the movement to implode. It's a balancing act for individuals in a movement to disregard their own needs and desires long enough to swing the pendulum of equality as close to the center as possible (dammit! The whole pendulum thing is another digression I should go into! About how the most extreme members of a movement are needed since they create a target for the pendulum to swing far past where it will eventually come to rest. Without the most extreme members of a movement (in feminism, the ones all the white, cishet males (and females too!) will term "feminazis" because they seem so radical (and scary! (not to me! (just to clarify!)))), the pendulum will never move as far as it eventually moves). Once the group has moved that pendulum, splitters will begin to focus on other aspects of the movement that they see as important that other members of the movement might not agree with. So whenever feminists argue about the details (which are important, of course!), they run the risk of eroding the movement which is what the Patriarchy wants, and which the Patriarchy actively encourages. The whole deal with people eschewing the label "feminist" is part of that fight to destroy the movement. If they can make the definition of a feminist seem awful, they can destroy the movement by simply making it unsavory to those that probably actually agree with most of its goals.

To summarize, in some ways (mostly white, cishet male ways), I'm the best feminist ever because I completely support everybody in their right to engage in their own individual pursuits (except for Scott Lobdell. He should stop doing everything he's doing). In other ways (mostly white, cishet male ways), I'm the worst feminist to ever exist! Although I'm not, really. But I can see how people that don't actually know me personally could think that, especially since I can never take anything seriously. I assure you all that I do take things seriously! Just not here on this blog. Sometimes I try! But then I always slip into being facetious and end up undermining everything I previously said. Stupid brain is an asshole.

One more secret about the previous paragraphs: I'm not trying to change anybody's minds or explain anything to them. The preceding is just an expression of what's in my head. It's individual thoughts from an individual and not a manifesto, lecture, treatise, or belief that everybody should view this issue in the same way that I do. I have no historical proof and cite no sources. It's just an expression of one person's opinion based on experience and reading lots and lots of shit. It's also just a lot of rationalizing to justify being whoever the fuck I want to be! Please send dissenting comments to YourMom@hotmail.com.

I don't think I have any space left for writing about Action Comics! This should have been a separate post!

It's surprising that Clark Kent doesn't have a Pulitzer after all of his articles about how great Superman is.

The guy asking for the Kent's autographs is a big fan of their love story. Or his mom was, anyway. He tells Lois that his mother thought Lois was "a hardworking, independent woman taking on the tough stories and always putting herself in harm's way to bring people the truth." After Lois's asshole was nice and clean from this guy's mother's tongue, Lois says that his mother "sounds like a terrific person." I also think everybody that praises me is a terrific person too! Although I really know in my heart that the people who praise me must live with the vilest of evils deep within their hearts because they instinctively recognize one of their own.

Clark revealed his identity to the citizens of Metropolis after the dome fell because that was the best way he knew how to inspire the populace and help them hang on to hope. If they knew Superman was dealing with the same problems, and more since he lost his power, but he was keeping a stiff upper lip about it all, maybe they would be more relaxed and calm about this situation over which they had no control. I guess it worked because everybody seems pretty calm. Except for, you know, that incident with Toyman earlier. But Robin and The Huntress handled that.

Shouldn't Superman be worried about all of the enemies he's made?! Maybe he's best friends with Lex Luthor now that Clark has lost his powers. Lex doesn't have to feel inferior anymore.

Are the geese a symbol I'm not understanding?! Oh! I bet they're Canadian Geese which represents how they're trapped away from home and family and are powerless to do anything about it!

Meanwhile in the Moscow Dome, Communist Superman and Communist Wonder Woman are having a meeting with Communist Stalin and Capitalist Lex Luthor to try to figure out how to control the Communist peasants and/or break out of the dome and/or how to supply everybody with enough toilet paper.

Lex has a theory that they are in a zoo which leads to his next theory that they will be called on to fight with other animals in the zoo. I don't know what kinds of zoos Luthor has been visiting! The closest I've seen to gladiator style zoos was at the Lincoln Zoo in Nebraska where they kept the Tamarin Monkeys in with the Sloths. I have my own theory about that! I think the sloth perceives time so slowly that it doesn't see the Tamarin monkeys at all while the Tamarin monkeys move so fast, they perceive the sloth as an inanimate object.

Nothing is accomplished in the meeting although they did determine that they all hate Lex Luthor.

I don't think Claude St. Aubin was informed that Kara gained fifteen pounds here.

I don't know who Andrew is because I don't know much about Earth-2. But he and Kara seem to be fuck puppets. They've invited Kal and Lois to dinner. I hope they're not interrupted by Planet Brainiac!

I can't really scan double page splashes as well as I'd like because I have a dinky little USB scanner, so I'll just have to say that I love the double page splash which occurs when Kara thinks of the past. It's Power Girl and Infinity Inc. battling Helix and it's glorious! Kara actually looks fifteen pounds heavier in the flashback. Sun-fueled Kryptonian muscle mass must weigh less than human fat.

Back in Moscow, Lex Luthor takes his wife Lois Lane to check out some Russian invisible plane technology. While they're looking at it, Lex throws some shade at the old comics and cartoons that had Wonder Woman visible while the invisible jet flew around the sky. This invisible jet actually hides the pilot! Isn't the future amazing?!

While they're underground, Planet Brainiac sends out the message about the coming Battle Royale. Communist Wonder Woman hears it so she must be battling Superman and Power Girl since Communist Superman is off fighting Robin and The Huntress. Superman and Power Girl hear the message on Kara's balcony after dinner. But nobody yet notices they have their powers back. That's for next time.

Convergence: Action Comics #1 Rating: I apologize for the way I began this commentary. I just want to reiterate that it's not a slam at the way anybody engages in feminism. As I said, I think the differences in everyone's ideologies is part of the point of equality. We are all going to differ by degrees. We should always be able to express our dissent when people put forth ideas with which we don't agree. Dissent is a good thing especially when it's directed at something we hold dear for it gives us an opportunity to expound on why something means so much to us. Unless that dissent comes from a sea lion. Then just fucking ignore it. Some people (and many would include me in those "some people") are dinosaurs that don't yet know they're extinct holding on to beliefs and ideals that have forever left them incapable of engaging in the modern world. I'm old enough to know how many of my own beliefs don't quite fit in with the youthful passion of change and rebellion seen on some places on the internet. But that's the benefit of my viewpoint. It's from a perspective that has seen time and time before what young people believe is happening for the first time. You're not engaging in anything new except for maybe changing the language and terms to try to make your argument more revolutionary. Although you might have to fight harder after the social debacle of the eighties. Take that decade as a warning! The harder you swing that pendulum, the further it'll swing back the other way. Those MRA guys that can't help looking like a joke because of the shit they get angry about? They're probably going to be the push back on the pendulum. If that happens, we're in for a sucky fucking decade.

Oh yeah! This comic was enjoyable. I think. It probably would have been better if Jimmy Palmiotti had been there to help Justin Gray with this typing.

Batman Loves Superman #18

So romantic!

My second lesson for becoming the World's Greatest Detective is titled "Mystery at Wimpy's." I will present it here so you can try to solve it as well even though there's no way you're going to be the World's Greatest Detective since that's my destiny. You might be the World's Greatest Detective's Secret Lover if you're lucky though! Here is the mystery, copyright Trixie Belden!

Trixie and her brothers Mart and Brian go to Wimpy's with Honey Wheeler and Jim Frayne. What kind of a name is "Mart"? How about solving that mystery first? Did people in the Fifties not know that "Mart" rhymes with "fart" and would be a horrible name with which to saddle your child? Anyway, both of the girls and one of the boys, after kissing in the booth for half an hour and having the waitress threaten to kick them out several times if they didn't order, have hamburgers and the other two boys have cheeseburgers. Two of the three who have hamburgers have chocolate shakes, and the other three have vanilla shakes. Jim has the same kind of burger that Trixie has because after watching Honey bring her to orgasm, he said, "I'll have what she's having!" but he also wanted some of what Honey was giving so he had the same flavor shake as Honey. What does each of the five have to eat and drink?

Hmm. Where is the rest of the mystery? How can you solve a mystery when there isn't a dead body?! Did I miss one of the kids getting killed? If you want to know what everybody ate, just ask them because they are not dead and there is no mystery to be solved at all! And if you don't want the kids to know you're snooping about spying on their caloric intakes, you can just ask the waitress who ate what! Maybe by figuring out that Jim and Honey had hamburgers and chocolate shakes while Trixie had a hamburger and a vanilla shake and Fart and Brian had cheeseburgers and vanilla shakes, you'll have the proper evidence later when the dead body is discovered covered in cheese and vanilla shake! Then you can say, "Aha! This person was murdered by Mart because he called him Mart the Fart one too many times!" And then you will get a medal and a reward!

Now that I solved that case without even finding a body, let's see if Superman and Batman can solve the Mystery of Superman's Joker That Is Probably Shooting Ice Bullets Out of an Ice Gun So As Not To Leave Any Evidence Behind!

Maybe if you knew what he had for lunch!

Superman is consulting the Super-Computer in the Fortress of Solitude because everybody else he has asked has given him biased and bogus answers. Batman thinks Superman has a Joker. Lex thinks Superman has a Superman. Who is the Super-Computer's greatest enemy because that's obviously who it will suggest as the killer! I bet it's greatest enemy is the Bat-Computer.

But the Fortress of Solitude is still rebuilding itself so Supergirl has to sucker punch Superman in the kidneys to make him stop using it. She knows more about Kryptonian technology than Superman because she spent her teen years on Krypton playing Krepyx's Summer Games and Krinfocom's Zork on her Krapp-el IIe Crystal Computer. She's all, "You're going to overload it and destroy everything and then we'll never find the Lost Bottled City of Kandor!" Hey! They're one of my suspects because Superman's enemy knows all about him and the Bottled People of Kandor have heard all Superman's secrets because he probably talks in his sleep.

Supergirl is putting the clues together just like Trixie Belden! I guess knowing what people eat is important.

Batman calls up to let Superman know that he hired Zatanna to cast a spell of silence over their current conversation so Superman's Joker wouldn't be able to hear them speak. He should have had her cast the spell, "Ohw si s'namrepuS rekoJ?" Even though Batman doesn't know who Superman's Joker is or what Superman's Joker likes to eat, he still believes he knows exactly how Superman's Joker is going to act. He figures, "Hey! My Joker would hurt the people closest to me! So that's what Superman's Joker is going to do!" I guess that's logical if you start with like eight thousand assumptions and just assume the assumptions aren't assumptions at all but hard and fast truths!

Batman tells Superman he's figured out who Superman's Joker will go after next: the person Superman most confides in, who understands him best, who he'd miss most if she were gone: Lois Lane!

Oh, I get it! Batman didn't pay Zatanna anything at all! He's just a big fibber!

Hopefully Superman's Joker didn't see the season finale of the second season of Arrow or else he already sees through Batman's plan. Make sure Superman's Joker thinks they can't be heard and then spout a bunch of nonsense that Superman's Joker will act on. Superman almost blows the plan by saying, "This is crazy. I don't get it! I don't..OH! RIGHT! Yes, The Batman, you are correct! I very much love Lois Lane the reporter with all of my heart! Oh I sure do hope that my Joker does not hurt her! Wink, wink."

Superman's Joker fires off a magic bullet headed toward Lois Lane. But when Superman tries to catch it, it ducks and weaves and changes direction, finally hitting the person who truly has Superman's heart and soul: The Batman!

This makes no sense. Does this make any sense at all? I mean, unless you just got done watching the worst move ever made, Passenger 57. Shit, I should really do a critical essay on that movie sometime. It's so bad.

Actually, I made a mistake in that last caption. The worst movie ever made (that I've actually seen. There could be some worse ones out there!) is Boondock Saints. Even The Room and Trolls 2 are better than it!

Before Batman can die, Superman digs the bullet out of his chest.

Okay, that's pretty awesome.

I knew those Kandorians were sick to death of seeing Superman scratch his balls and pick dingleberries out of his ass and sniff them right in front of the Bottled City every night. That must be their motivation, right? It can't have anything to do with feeling betrayed by him or being mind controlled by Non or some other Phantom Zoner, right? I do like how the magic bullet was just a microscopic Kryptonian flying around blasting through crap. Good thing Batman is paranoid and fills his armor with Kryptonite dust! Good job, Bruce!

Using the clues Batman found by using Lois as bait, Doctor Ray Palmer is able to trace the Kandorian's flight path back to a hole in Iceland in which rests the Bottled City of Kandor full of angry little Kandorians sick to death of smelling Superman's morning farts. I guess Superman and Batman are going to have to use The Atom's Shrink R.A.Y. so they can infiltrate Kandor and stop them from telling all the great jokes they've been telling lately.

Batman Loves Superman #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. I said I wanted the reveal of Superman's Joker to be spectacular and I wasn't disappointed (for once!). Sure, I guessed the Kandorians were behind it last issue (which makes me a pretty amazing comic book reader if you ignore the fact that I also guessed Krypto) but the fact that Kandorians were using themselves as the bullets? That was pretty fucking awesome. Kudos on that one, Greg Pak. Unless it's been done before and then shame on you!

Worlds' Finest #30

Intri just looks mildly annoyed. Like her jello mold didn't turn out, and Batman arrived before she could get the cucumber sandwiches plated, and Superman broke her "massager".

Ever since this comic book stopped being about Super Friendship, it became super terrible. I would say, "Who needed another Superman and Batman title?", but I already know the answer to that. Apparently the fans that actually pay for DC Comic Books pay for comic books starring Batman. Boring fucks. Stop supporting Batman over everybody else! He isn't that fucking interesting.

You know who's interesting? Power Girl's boobs! I mean, Power Girl! And The Huntress! And their friendship! And how they go on adventures and support each other and eat ice cream together and talk about how Power Girl fucks lots of guys while The Huntress side-eyes all of Power Girl's life choices! And now they're not in this comic book anymore! And probably just before the story where Power Girl's water went out and the city was demanding that everybody conserve water so she had to go shower with The Huntress! Now that story line is probably going to be used for Batman and Superman! Nice going, comic book fans that didn't support the Super Best Friends! Now I'm going to have to deal with the emotional confusion of getting an erection while looking at Clark and Bruce soap each other up!

I'll settle for these two showering together! I promise I won't be looking at Robin's underage fiddly bits! Not when Catwoman's are flapping all over the shower!

Catwoman and Robin steal a Segway from a guard on the docks and then I make an Arrested Development joke and create new lyrics to The Final Countdown. It's super hilarious, you guys!

Selina and Helena are out trying to rescue some women being held in a shipping container to be sold to slavers. It's the worst plot a comic book could use because how am I supposed to make jokes about human trafficking?

How many sex slaves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One but you have to break dozens of international laws and be a complete immoral bastard simply for a little bit of light.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Sex slave!
Sex slave who?!
Ha ha! I am not a sex slave at all! I am a federal agent in disguise! Now get on your knees, you filthy pig and international criminal and the worst piece of filth on Earth! You are lucky I do not put a bullet in your head! It's more than you deserve!

While Catwoman and Robin fall into the trap set for them, Terry Sloan tells his butler, "Ha ha! I am smart!" Then the scene shifts to Clark and Lois's place.

Kryptonite must come into play during Clark and Lois's fuck sessions or how else would Clark even feel anything? Maybe Lois wears a diaphragm made from a red sun?

Back on the docks, Batman comes to Catwoman and Robin's rescue because women, right?! Batman simply shows his face and the gangsters who trapped his family all activate the Semtex hidden in their teeth. Or maybe their teeth were made from Semtex so when they were scared and their teeth chattered, they'd blow up. It's a perfect plan! I mean, a perfect alternate plan for when your imperfect plan fails.

Later or something, Terry Sloan introduces Superman to Kryptonite. But only because Superman didn't remember being introduced to Kryptonite by Earth-Main-Earth Batman back in Batman Loves Superman, the Early Issues. During the festivities, Intri shows up because why not? The story was just getting interesting so let's snooze it up a bunch by letting Ms. Snoozefest show up.

Either her beehive hairdo is off-kilter or she ran out of the salon without removing the hair dryer. Or she has an actual beehive on her head!

Intri, once again, tries to get Superman to come with her to Apokolips because she's so Goddamned thirsty. But Superman says, "No!", and Batman says, "Yeah! I mean, no as well but yeah to agreeing with my friend!"

See, on Earth-2, Superman and Batman are friends. I know it's confusing!

Intri does have some great fucking heels though.

Remember how in that movie Explorers, the idiotic alien beings were fascinated by I Love Lucy and other old shows? In like sixty years, I'm going to make a movie where we're visited by a race of aliens whose culture was highly influenced by Dish Network signals of Mad Men! The most unbelievable plot point is that aliens were able to pick up a Dish Network signal without a Dish Network representative arriving on the alien planet and spending two hours every day for five weeks carefully trying to position the receiver so it could get a signal.

Is Intri's name supposed to have a connection of some sort to the sign nailed into the crucifix above Jesus's head? Is she King of the Jews? Where is her kingdom? Look at me? Am I a Jew?

While Superman lies around like a lazy bastard pretending that Kryptonite hurts him (he's such a faker baby!), Batman forces both Intri and Sloan to back down. Why does Earth even need more than one superhero? And by that one superhero, I am, of course, speaking of Björk. I mean Batman.

Intri winds up back on Apokolips without Superman and Sloan winds up back in his love nest with his lover Aadarash, his new pet rock, and his new prisoner, Val-el. And that's the last of that issue!

Worlds' Fines #30 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was much better than the other issues for inexplicable reasons. Maybe I was just in a better mood. Or maybe I actually enjoyed the art which probably wasn't to a lot of people's tastes but reminded me a bit of Crumb's work with a bit more polish and spit. And less semen and nipples.

Worlds' Finest #29

I'm trying to think up a caption for this cover but I can't stop eating banana pudding.

This must be the easiest gig of Paul Levitz entire life! Rehash the Batman and Superman origin stories in a way that doesn't mess up current continuity. Although it's the secret origin of the Earth-2 Batman and Superman, so who cares. They're less important in The New 52 since they weren't the historical, Golden Age versions that established the entire genre of the super hero story. And they're far, far less interesting than this banana pudding is delicious.

My job at Christmas Dinner tonight was to peel potatoes and then to finish seasoning the potatoes once they were mashed and nearly ready to go. After that, I shaped them into Devil's Tower and served them. There were some people at the table that didn't know what Devil's Tower was. I no longer speak to them. Because they're dead. I killed them.

I really can't put this pudding down! I keep setting down the bowl and reaching for the comic book but wind up with the pudding back in my hands! It might be cursed!

Okay! That's finished. Now I can concentrate!

Maybe I should wash the bowl out and get some water first! The comic book can wait!

This thug just can't believe how tightly that leather is clinging to Catwoman's anal sphincter.

Batman has chased Catwoman all the way to Metropolis to lecture her about engaging in criminal behavior. He doesn't think she should do it because he wants to have sex with her but doesn't think he should be having sex with a criminal. Technically, Batman is also a criminal so he really shouldn't care. But he only thinks Catwoman should break laws in the same way that he breaks the laws which is better. For some reason.

Superman was currently meeting Wonder Woman after he crashed on Paradise Island due to an exploding satellite which caused him pain "for the first time in his life." That's always a good way to explain to the reader that Superman is facing a threat equal to his powers. Usually he says something like, "That actually hurt!" or "Did you have to use three fingers?!"

Wonder Woman says, "Get the fuck out," and Superman says, "How high?"

Superman leaves Wonder Woman and the Amazons to play with their new toy from Apokolips and heads back to Metropolis where he finds Catwoman toying with Batman.

Superman just got showed up by a woman so the next one he meets, he treats like a child.

Batman and Catwoman flirt a little bit more before Catwoman heads back to Gotham with her jewels she retrieved from the terrorists. She also calls Batman "Mister Wayne," so I hope Lois Lane wasn't snooping around nearby!

The New God that wanted Superman as a baby and then as a child arrives to tell Superman he's been making poor choices. The only good choice is to team up with the New Gods. But he won't! Even if they kill him, he won't...well, actually, after they kill him, he does kind of team up with them. So I guess he'll team up with them over his dead body.

Why does the DC Universe have to have some overarching super villain hellbent on destroying everything? Did somebody tell the editors at DC that all of the monthly stories are more exciting if they have a framing story that's a battle for the fate of the universe? Before the New Gods happened along, it seemed like DC was going to make the Daemonites the world threat that everybody had to continually be on the look out against. But Helspont just couldn't cut the mustard and he was replaced by the looming threat of Apokolips. Although that story also needs a framing story because things always have to be able to get worse! And that's why the Anti-Monitor made an appearance at the end of Forever Evil!

All of these stories that have been erased from a character's mind are just as bad as the shitty "let's all save one future timeline" time travel stories.

Worlds' Finest #29 Rating: No change. Here's a suggestion! If you can't have a character remember a story you put them in, don't even bother writing the fucking story! Jesus fucked. Let the characters remember shit even if you have to listen to a thousand fanboygirls screaming, "Why didn't Superman remember that in Issue #13 when he did that thing to that person that he'd met when he was younger! Why didn't Superman say anything about the first encounter, hunh?! Hunh?! Answer me that or else I'm going to continue to scream and point out your errors like a total dickhead!"

Shut up. That last comment did not resemble me.

Futures End #31

Guess who had a cookie today?! Me!

Why are people so sad that Ronnie Raymond died? It's not like Firestorm died! Just the self-hating homosexual star quarterback! I can see why his lover, Jason Rusch, would be sad. But that's about it. As long as Firestorm is still kicking about, the Justice League has no reason to give a fuck. Plus the new Firestorm has tits! The Justice League needs more tits! I mean women! I hope nobody was offended that I said "tits" when I meant "women." It's a natural mistake being that I'm so super masculine and manly, I can't even hide how much I love to do it to women! Whenever I'm up in the club, the other guys always come up to me and go, "Duuuuude! I might as well be a woman!" And I'm all, "Yeah, bra. Totes." Then I giggle and continue to dance with my hands in the air causing my crop top to rise up to expose my belly ring up front and my thong in the back. Then the babes all flock to me and dance all around me and occasionally one of them will get really close to my face and shout over the throbbing bass, "You should meet my brother." And I'm all, "Yeah? Cool." Because I guess her brother is totally masculine and cool too and we could watch football together and shotgun beers and belch and stuff.

I really love waffle fries too, so I guess that's like a totally manly man thing to do. Some time when I meet a super hot chick that's totally the kind of woman that manly men would go for, I'm going to sidle up to her and say, "Hey, my little chile pepper. How'd you like to go back to my place. We could eat waffle fries and marathon some Mad Men." And she'll be all, "Which seasons?" And I'll be all, "Four and five of the former, garlic salt and a dash of red pepper flakes on the latter. I mean, the other way around. Dammit! I totally screwed that up." Then we'd probably wind up married or something with like dozens of kids cause I probably have super sperm being that I'm so super manly. And she'd probably die in child birth on the 25th kid and I'd be so sad and despondent but at the funeral, all the ladies would be all, "Want to do it in the casket?" And I'd be all, "Oh yeah!" Then they'd see me opening my wife's casket and they'd be all, "No, no! We meant in an empty one!" Then I'd totally blush and act embarrassed which would be so super manly that all of their clothes would fall right off and even the priest would have to admit that he was turned on a little by my manliness.

I probably shouldn't brag so much about my gift! You poor comic book loving dorks are probably super envious of me right now and wishing you were half as manly as I am. Well, I have some advice for you: stop wearing those superhero t-shirts that look like they were airbrushed in a kiosk at the state fair. Those are totally not manly. Also, eat more corndogs in public. That's super hot.

Okay, stop thinking about my manliness! It's time to concentrate on Futures End where Lois Lane is holding a press conference to get as many people as possible to visit her website. Hey! That's a good idea! I bet one of the crappy local news station in this area would be willing to do a story on me since I live in the area and am local and they're total fucking whores who don't really report real news anyway.

Is it really an international coverup? Or is it just an out of control corporation with the world's deadliest mercenary slash superhero bounty hunter on its payroll?

As Lois exposes Cadmus's crimes to the world, Brother Eye plays Angry Birds on her cell phone. Except who plays Angry Birds anymore? Just insert whatever the newest waste of time app is most popular in place of Angry Birds. I don't have a smart phone, so how should I know how the masses are bringing about the end of the world?

Back on Green Arrow Island (narcissist much?), Animal Man and his brood come for a visit. Looks like Buddy and Ollie have become fast friends after all that flirting they've been doing over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

It's been five years and Cliffy hasn't returned from the dead? What kind of second-rate comic book world is this?

I may be a bit lukewarm to most of this Futures End stuff, but Buddy and Ollie hanging out together on Green Arrow Beach on Green Arrow Island drinking Green Arrows from the Green Arrow Beach Bar is a sweet and emotional moment that made me tear up a bit. In a manly way! The way men tear up when they've flexed too many muscles at once!

Opposite this page was a nightmare inducing advertisement for SuperHeroStuff.com. Although I think I might want to fuck Robin now while slapping the stupid grin from Nightwing's face.

I hope Ollie has banned all technology from the island so that when Brother Eye takes over, he can stay in retirement.

Meanwhile in Tunguska, Constantine and Superman (and some Brainiac devotee named Midge (should I remember her?!)) meet up with Ursa Major, some cosmic Brainiac Bear that, I suppose, arrived in 1908 according to the best television show to ever show on television, In Search Of. Although they might not have mentioned the bear back then. I think that was a secret up until now.

Speaking of a bear, have you read N. Scott Momaday's The Ancient Child? I don't know who it would resonate with but it spoke to me while in college as I was in a major transformative time of my life. It didn't hurt that it revolved around the Kiowa myth of Devil's Tower, an object I practically revered as a young child. Just, you know, a book suggestion for all you college kids!

Constantine tells Superman that he needs to go back home to stop Brainiac and his harvesting. I think. I hate to admit any weakness being that I'm hypermasculine, but I'm really not quite sure what it's all about. The Bear told Superman he would be spared because Brainiac liked his dad. But he doesn't seem to offer an alternative to Earth being harvested!

Back in Pittsburgh, Ronnie and Madison try to come to terms with being merged together permanently.

That sly dog! Jason mentions Madison thinking about Tim's cock because he wants her to start thinking about Tim's cock!

Madison decides not to tell Tim Drake that she's alive because then Jason Rusch might get a sneak peak at all the things she wants to do to Tim and who wants Jason Rusch orgasming in her head?

Futures End #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better when it takes its time with its scenes. I think because there were so many "deaths" last issue, the writers felt the story could use a little down time this issue. Plus Ronnie Raymond needed to be buried. I'm mostly excited to watch Buddy and Oliver's friendship develop into the close friendship seen in this issue. And since Jeff Lemire is working on both, I'm optimistic that he'll continue to develop it over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

Futures End #30

Shark! I mean, Despero! I mean, OMAC!

I sometimes wonder, "How come more people aren't reading this blog?" And then I look at how many people are actually reading this blog and I think, "Why the fuck are so many people reading this blog?" Then I get self-conscious and begin thinking about some kind of profound bullshit about which I can wax philosophic that allows me to throw in as many references to the crazy sex I have had throughout my life. I mean, crazy sex. Tons and tons of it. With attractive people even! Most of them human females! But then I think about how often I read the most trite, boring, obvious posts about life that have hundreds of thousands of notes and I think, "So! That's what people find entertaining: loads and loads of crap!" Which brings me back to my first thought: "How come more people aren't reading this blog?"

The main issue with the branding of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea (other than the name and the way I arrogantly refer to myself as a 'Grandmaster Comic Book Reader') is that it isn't focused enough. I should probably come up with a better theme than "Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are the worst writers to ever find a job in writing." It's hard to make a living sucking up to people that love to hate other people! I constantly feel like the painting of Jesus hanging over my marital bed is judging me. "Kindness is the key," he seems to whisper as I shove my dick into another sock. "Kindness is overrated!" I grunt back as I flail like a sea lion in the tide of my sheets.

That image of me masturbating is free to use in any of your most low rent, desperate fantasies! Enjoy!

I don't actually have a painting of Jesus over my bed (also my bed is not marital). But my grandparents did! Is that creepy and kind of gross? What were they thinking?!

Lois Lane can't tell that Clark Kent is just Superman with glasses but she looks at Red Tornado and instantly realizes the robot is a version of herself? From where I'm sitting (in Portland in a chair reading this comic book, if you must know), I don't see any resemblance between them at all! Red Tornado might as well be wearing glasses.

Lois Lane did have a vision earlier in this series where she realized a robot that looked like this had been created from her doppelganger, so I actually do understand why she recognizes herself. But understanding the comics as I'm reading them isn't entertaining for anybody! My entire commentary would be, "I am comprehending this story as well as could be expected of somebody that took speech therapy classes through first and second grade and, during that time, thought of his speech therapy teacher (an elderly man) as his best friend."

Green Arrow and his army consisting of Big Barda, Katana, and a bunch of other people that don't need to be mentioned because I already mentioned the two people that will be doing most of the actual fighting storm Cadmus Island only to have their plans wrecked by Hawkcop in about three seconds.

Let me guess: Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this page?

The OMACs storm the beach along with a bunch of possessed Twofers. Green Arrow's Plan A was to sneak onto the island and shoot one EMP arrow at Cadmus which would have shut down Brother Eye. When that single arrow that was the entirety of Green Arrow's plan is destroyed by Hawkcop, it's time to move on to Plan B!

I knew it! I knew that was the entire plan all along! That EMP arrow was just a bullshit ploy to make it seem like an archer might possibly be useful! But Ollie knew all along the only person worth a damn in this Arrow Army was Big Barda! And maybe Katana.

Oliver, Red Arrow, and Barda head into the jungle to find a Brother Eye terminal for Barda to punch while the other Outsiders remain on the beach to battle the OMACs which merge into one gigantic OMAC. I don't know if that makes them any more dangerous than they already are as dozens of individual units but I guess it's impressive? Or at least very comic booky?

On their way to disable Brother Eye (or at least break one of his monitors (or unplug a few of his servers (or confront him and then sit and cry and curse the cloud))), Oliver and the others run into Slade Wilson. Usually that would mean they're screwed but then Slade Wilson runs into Mister Miracle and Fury. Pay close attention to the "Fury" part of that sentence.

Finally! Somebody died! Now don't let up, Futures End! Let the bloodbath begin!

Which part of Slade's body houses his healing factor? I bet it's in his spine! And if enough of his spine has been left dangling out of the back of his skull, maybe both halves of Slade Wilson will regenerate!

Ollie? I thought Red Arrow was Connor Hawke? Um, anyway, take care to not get stepped on by the gigantic OMAC on your way to the boats!

I know Green Arrow referred to Red Arrow as his doppelganger earlier in this series but my memory is trying to tell me that Red Arrow was Connor Hawke over in Earth-2. But my memory is a notorious liar.

It turns out Power Girl is guarding Brother Eye. Okay then. Plan B through the rest of the alphabet can probably just go straight in the trash. Unless one of those plans was "Run like fuck." That would be a good plan to use now. Although Green Arrow has one more plan in his quiver: Plan I Always Keep This One Arrow On Hand Just For The Yucks.

Has a computer system ever been designed that actually had a big red off button?

The big red button shuts down everybody on the island except Power Girl because Brother Eye decided she had the best framework for housing his system.

While Big Barda beats the crap out of Power Girl, everybody else escapes the island on their Zodiac. Except Red Tornado. And the OMACs. And a bunch of normal scientists and other workers. Then the island blows up.

Notice how I didn't add Brother Eye to the list of people that didn't escape? He hitches a ride back on Lois Lane's cell phone. She is more trouble than she is worth without Superman to keep an eye on her!

Futures End #30 Rating: Finally somebody died! Two people died! No, three people died! Wait! Holy shit! Four people died: Tornado Lane, Power Girl, Big Barda, and Deathstroke! Hopefully the deaths just keep coming now! Ronnie last issue and now this massacre in this issue? This is more like it!

Futures End #28

What's something totally recognizable in Gotham that we can have the Batmen crash into while fighting (even though they're battling in New York City?)? I know!

I know, I know! The fight in New York ended almost immediately when Plastique blew the poop out of everybody in Tim Drake's apartment. This cover probably represents the next meeting of the Batmen! It doesn't look like it goes any better.

Do you think an editor would have told me that I can't use the phrase "I know" three times in a row? Probably! But who needs editors anyway? Don't you dare say I do, you traitor.

This issue begins with Lois Lane not being eaten by sharks because she parachuted onto Cadmus Island and not into the ocean like we all thought was going to happen, right? Right? You all thought that too, right? Thought that this issue would be twenty pages of Lois Lane drowning while hallucinating a happy life courting and eventually marrying Superman? Then at the last minute, she would be saved from drowning by a shark and die from blood loss and shock instead.

On Cadmus Island, Lois runs into an OMAC, and then an OMAC, and then another OMAC, an OMAC, an OMAC, two OMACS, then another OMAC, and finally somebody she recognizes (not an OMAC).

Has Lois Lane ever worn a Lantern ring? Did she call herself Lois Lantern?

Over in Frank Rock's office, Frank and King Faraday and, soon, Fifty Sue and Voodoo are all trying to figure out who is going to kill whom and what enemy is the worst and how do any of them work together when some of them want to kill some of the others and what the fuck is going on in this comic book again?

Voodoo's steez is pretty kickin', yo.

Wait, wait. I think I got this, Voodoo. See, your buddy Grifter was taken by Faraday to be part of a team that would remove superheroes from the world. But that team was infiltrated by Brother Eye so Faraday turned the team's attention to destroying Brother Eye. But then Faraday realized he needed a back-up plan to kill the super powered members of his team who were busy defeating Brother Eye and/or killing and capturing other super powered people! So he hired Frank Rock's Girl Squad to kill Fifty Sue. But then Deathstroke joined with Brother Eye in an attempt to kill Fifty Sue which made Fifty Sue want to kill Deathstroke which caused her to seek out Faraday and join the team that was put together to kill her. Easy peasy!

Meanwhile, Batman and Batman Beyond do not smash into the Batsignal. And Tim Drake, Ronnie Raymond, and Jason Rusch all search for Madison Payne. But they'll never find her because she's with Doctor Yamazake testing out his teleportation device. Such a helpful lass.

Futures End #28 Rating: No Ratings November continues! Judging by the cover of Futures End #29 and the "in next issue" pics, it looks like Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch are going to break up permanently.

Look how terrified poor Ronnie is of merging with a female!

Superman Unchained #9

Oh yeah! Wraparound cover! Party time! Excellent!

Once again, Superman is depicted with his eyes on fire! I guess that's a symbol of how unchained he is. Although it looks more like he's "vchained" this issue, whatever that is. Also, his eyes tend to be on fire in any book he's in, whether he's unchained or not. I'm going to do something right now that I'm particularly loath to do: dig through my New 52 comic book boxes! Let's see how often Superman has been depicted with his eyes on fire on the covers of the comic books he's appeared in. Be aware that a statistical error of "my comic book store sometimes gives me variants" probably makes all of my data invalid.

On the cover of the Justice League, Superman appears twenty times out of the first thirty six issues (counting the zero issue). Only four of those covers show him using his heat vision. On one cover, his eyes are yellow because he's half-Cheetah-man. On some of the covers where he isn't using his heat vision, he's a skeleton or an image on a poster. I think that's a pretty good ratio of showing Superman about to fuck shit up.

Action Comics didn't have many instances with Superman blasting his heat vision because he generally just looked scared and confused on most of the covers, especially during Grant Morrison's run. Andy Diggle comes along and we get three out of four covers with Superman unchained, spraying hot liquid looks all over the place! Then Lobdell took over and I had a seizure and may have lost count. But I think the instances of Superman's heat vision were rare. During the Doomed run, instances of Superman's eyes flying off the handle skyrocket which might be why I feel like his eyes are always on fire now. Even with the run of burning eyeballs at the end, just nine of thirty-nine Action Comics covers have Superman prepared to let loose the eye fire. That's about a quarter of the time while Justice League had the ratio about a fifth of the time.

Superman had eleven eye blasts (kind of?) out of thirty-seven appearances, counting Hector Hammond with glowing eyes wearing a Superman suit. That's a little less than one-third of the time which is the most egregious example. Superman Unchained only had two or three, depending on what the original cover of Issue #1 looked like. I have the Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez cover for that issue.

Tallying my data, it looks to me like I'm making more of a big deal about it than it really is! Wow! Who would have guessed I was flying off the handle with no substantial evidence to back up my rants?! Stupid fucking data. Can't take my side just once?

One thing I did learn but didn't think to count the instances (and it's a good thing I didn't so I can make it seem worse than it really is!) is that Superman appears with his eyes closed an unchained amount of times! Sometimes he's getting his ass kicked. Sometimes he's kissing Wonder Woman. Sometimes he's throwing a punch like a wussy baby with his eyes clamped tight. It's ridiculous! I suppose I could have counted those covers as instances of his glowing red eyes since maybe they were glowing under the lids, right?

On to the comic book, kids! Last issue, Lex Luthor had just challenged Superman to save the world with his new Pure Sun (If You Don't Count The Kryptonite and the Heroin) Serum which will turn Superman into an atom bomb capable of destroying an invading alien fleet. The downside? Superman will die! Will Superman choose to save the world Lex's way? Or will he run back to Wraith, apologize for shoving a cock ring down his throat, and challenge Wraith to save he world by injecting this cool new drug he just happened to have on hand! Wraith survived that kind of thing once before! And besides, it's time for atonement! Or blood! One of those! Maybe both!

Oh, was this flashback taking place in this comic book? This feels more like a Superman Loves Batman memory.

How is little Clark Kent going to get out of this one?! How many fans are going to look at this scene and simply think, "Little Clark was so cute?" Fucking Jason Todd fans can suck it! They can go visit Ronnie Raymond's mother and eat a big old plate of dog dick!

Oh, um, never mind that. That was something else that's been on my mind lately. You see, I posted a panel with a scripting error and I made a joke about the scripting error. The panel was reblogged a few dozen times because it had Jason Todd in it and a bunch of the people reblogging it were trying to rationalize the scene, or they just wound up squeebling over Jason Todd. Is Squeebling the thing the kids do now when something gives them so many feels they shit themselves? Somebody should go add that to Urban Dictionary right now!

Clark shouts and knocks Mr. Colder against the wall where he probably doesn't die or else we've got a great big new boner in Clark's closet! I mean skeleton! I meant skeleton in his closet! "And on that day, cute little adorable Clark Kent swore he would never kill again. Except aliens. And robots."

Look at that! They're in the Arctic now even though General Lane attacked Superman in his Antarctic Fortress of Solitude!

Since DC has screwed up the location of the Fortress of Solitude too many times to count (I can't count past five), I'm simply going to believe that Superman has two Fortresses of Solitude. He had to build a second one after Batman learned about his first one and figured out how to hide in the gigantic key so he could sneak in when Superman unlocked the place.

Wonder Woman calls Superman to talk about her feelings but he's all, "Not now, Wonder Woman! I have to save the planet!" As opposed to, you know, "No matter what happens, know that I'll always love you." And then he would have hung up the ear phone and Wonder Woman would have fallen to her knees screaming, "NOOOOO!" Mostly because his cock was super unchained. Wonder Woman's clitoris is invulnerable, so it needs super unchained body parts rubbing on it to feel anything. Now she's going to have to begin dating Barry Allen.

Superman has a tender moment with Lois Lane before flying off to kill himself after which Lois, Jimmy, and General Lane are mauled by polar bears.

What do you think Lex has saved to read on the day he finally defeated Superman? I bet it's some Young Adult series. Probably Indulgent. Is that the name of the third book of the Divergent series?

Back in Clark's flashback, he begins trying to resuscitate old man Colder. Maybe this is when he learns to fly around the Earth really, really fast so that he travels back in time! Or this is where he learns with great power comes great thrill in killing whomever you want.

Back in Metropolis inside Perry White's secret editor-in-chief's super computer room, an obituary flashes up on the screen for a Ben Rios, 1918-2014. I don't know who that is but he was fucking old! Also I thought I should acknowledge it since Jim Lee or the Letterer or an editor or Scott Snyder or some guy down at the print shop felt this was the best place to honor good old Ben. Take care in the afterlife, Ben! And by afterlife, you know I mean not existing! So I'm kind of talking to myself!

While Superman flies into space to blow himself to bits and the rest of the world begins shutting down electronically due to the Earth Stone, Lex Luthor tells Lois Lane how he knew everything he knew and how he came to the conclusion that Superman should blow up like a frog with a firecracker up its ass. He explains, slowly, enunciating as clearly as possible since he was talking to a journalist, what he learned about Superman.

NO! It can't be! You mean Superman...learns from experience?!

This is why I can't stand people like C.S. Lewis and Ayn Rand. People who ignore the strength of changing ones beliefs and ideals based on real world experience. People who believe every decision they make in their lives should be based on a foundation of unchanging, rigid beliefs. They, as Lex Luthor puts it, stand for something. Doesn't fucking matter what that something is! It's just important that they stand for it and they don't ever back down from what they, at some time in their life, decided to believe was the right thing to do, or the right way to act. But I say, "Fuck foundational philosophies! All they help you do is build limited buildings with no imagination or room for spontaneity or change. Plus their basements probably leak like Charles Dickens. Is that a saying? Did he pee himself a lot?" You can all quote me on that, if you want. That's why I put it in the helpful quotation marks.

Superman flies into the fleet and decides not to take Lex Luthor's Wonder Drug. That seems about right since Superman stands for not killing anybody. That's one of those foundational beliefs I think probably get him and Batman in a lot of trouble. They should allow for a little bit of experiential leeway on that one! Once Batman sees The Joker kills dozens of people every time he returns, you've got to start thinking, "Hey? Is my basement leaking like Charles Dickens?" Superman can't take the drug to kill himself. Not because he doesn't want to die saving the world but because he doesn't want to kill anybody while he saves the world. What a puss!

Although once he destroys one ship (probably killing the aliens inside! See? I told you he kills aliens! Jerko!), he gets blasted by every other ship in the fleet. He's about to die so he finally tries to shoot up with Lex Luthor's Grand Old Timey Cure-All! But he can't do it! He pretends to try and then lets the needle go and thinks, "Oh darn! Did anybody see that? It just slipped out of my hand! Whoops! I tried to save the world. Oh well! Shucks! Darn!" But that's when Wraith shows up for that blood/atonement thing I mentioned earlier!

"Wraith...Wraith...it must be...inserted...into your anus. *snicker*"

Wraith plugs Lex Luthor's Super Serum and then shoves Superman back to Earth. In the DC Universe, Earth and the Sun are quite close to each other and it only takes a few seconds for ships or Kryptonians to travel from one to the other. As Wraith blows up the entire fleet, Lex Luthor comes as close as he's ever going to come to saying that he admires Superman. But he makes sure to preface it with "I still think Superman is a fucking dick."

You know, we don't get enough sass from Perry White in The New 52. Let's enjoy this one for a bit, shall we?

The issue ends with some sentimental stuff between Clark and Lois that the readers with emotions probably might enjoy but which I just scanned wondering, "Where are the 0s and 1s? Beep beep beep." And then Superman Unchained is over! Yay! I love when a title ends! I just wish so many new titles weren't constantly beginning! Jesus Christ, DC! Give me a fucking break, will ya?!

Superman Unchained #9 Rating: +4 Ranking. This issue made up for all the silliness in the last issue. Sure, it was predictable! But I did enjoy Luthor's speechifying. And Wraith's atonement was nicely understated in the silence of space. Great finish to a series that had way more hits than misses and may possible have been the second best Superman story of The New 52 after Grant Morrison's Action Comics run. But I will give this story the best story that's also coherent!