Batman Eternal #28

I have never in my life worn pants this tight.

My days are getting longer and longer. When I'm awake, I don't want to go to sleep. I move from one distraction to another until I just can't keep my eyes open any longer. When I'm sleeping, I don't want to wake up. I crash hard and stay completely out for at least eight hours, sometimes more. But once I do wake up, I just keep rolling over and falling back to sleep because I don't want to drag myself out of bed just to find another distraction. Eventually hunger, thirst, and a straining bladder force me out of bed and I start all over again. I miss my friend.

The sadness is like a low grade fever. I haven't had a runny snot, body hitching, breath coming in gasps cry for a day or two now, and that, in itself, makes me sad. But my eyes are constantly tearing up. I've long ago stopped bothering to wipe tears off of my cheeks. I don't know when I last showered. I don't think I left the house at all yesterday. At least I've experienced loss and mourning so that I am now adequately prepared to properly fake it when my parents die!

Here lies Judas. Oh yeah. For those just tuning in, I'm grieving for a cat. People can suck it.

Okay then! Enough of that shit! Let's see how many dick jokes I can come up with while reading Batman Eternal!

You know, I'm not quite sure why I equate my juvenile humor to dick jokes when I really rarely make any. I guess it's as good a standard as any for immaturity.

Now this first panel? This put a huge smile on my face. Especially after having just read JLA/Hitman.

I'm just thrilled that Noonan's has retained its place in the DC Universe since the reboot. Judging by the pictures on the wall and Hacken with one hand missing (portrayed in an issue of Batman and Two-Face), the entire run of Hitman is probably still canon. Although because of the Reboot, I'm still hoping that the ending was different and Tommy survived somehow. Now somebody just needs to convince Garth Ennis to work for DC again and continue Hitman's story.

Apparently Noonan's is Jason Todd's favorite bar in Gotham. The bartender probably helps him out with his girl troubles and ethical dilemmas. Which might be why Jason Todd's moral compass is so fucked up. You know. Because the bartender is a demon from hell named Baytor.

Jason Todd feels like he needs to do something else before he leaves Gotham. Starfire, having been through this before with Dick Grayson, tells him what to do.

Good thing Starfire has the self-esteem of a warrior space princess or she might begin to wonder what this Batgirl has that she doesn't.

This issue is called "Letting Go" because of course it is. Fuck you, synchronicity.

Currently, Batgirl is scaring the shit out of Commissioner Jason Bard by setting up a falling to his death simulation for him. It's the kind of thing that usually costs five dollars worth of tickets at the yearly fair down by the river. But Batgirl is doing it for free. And if Jason Todd hasn't already fallen in love with her, he will once he sees how ruthless Barbara can be.

Meanwhile, Catwoman shows off what she learned during her pole dancing classes. Enh. I've seen better.

I'm not sure if this is subtle allegory or witty satire. Although I do like that this strip club allows minors and serves popcorn.

Mr. Bonerman has sold tickets to people to come watch Catwoman beaten to death on a stripper's stage. And for those of you thinking that at least the little girl won't see any nudity with her extreme violence, a few panels later we see that naked women are dancing on the other stages. It seems weird to pay lots of money to see Catwoman killed and then to miss the entire show because some naked woman is waving her punani around the room.

For those of you that don't like the slang term "punani," I suggest you read up on its etymology. It's actually quite a lovely compliment.

Too bad for Mr. Bonerman and Dragon Ivantsumbuttsecks, Killer Croc has a vested interest in Jade. And Croc just came up the elevator. He's probably not going to be very happy with Mr. Bonerman exposing his young friend to sex and violence at the same time. One or the other, fine. But both? That's like X Rating territory! Or A Clockwork Orange.

Batman also has a lead that's going to bring him to the most violent, super sexiest show of the decade! With popcorn! He's probably going to be disappointed that Waylon Jones got their first, killed everybody, ate them, ate the popcorn, and impressed Selina far more than Bruce ever could.

Stupid synchronicity is stupid. Also, more Meghan Hetrick, please.

Killer Croc begins teaching thugs how to pole dance while Catwoman uses some of the moves she learned in pole dancing class to break Mr. Bonerman's leg. Although I don't know what kind of pole dancing class she was taking that was tying its students to poles and teaching them how to bust legs from that position. She may have been in a self-defense class with a bunch of other students wondering why she was learning self-defense in her bra and panties.

Over in the Burnside district (unless Barbara hasn't moved yet since she is still wearing her old costume on the cover), Jason Todd breaks into Gordon Barbara Gordon's apartment.

I think that's Alysia. Maybe. It's certainly not Frankie. So this must be her old place.

Back at the violent sex show, Jade is shot and killed (accidentally!) by Dragon Ivantsumbuttsecks. So this wasn't an allegory or satire! It was a morality play! See what happens, kids, when you watch violent and sexual television shows? You fucking die! Unless it was the popcorn that killed her. It's hard to say when a story doesn't just come right out and tell you what it's about.

And over on the rooftops, Jason Bard is learning a lesson about destroying a city. If you run a huge scam to destroy a city for your own ends, you'll wind up with a severely broken leg causing you to have to use a cane in all of your future comic book appearances. It wasn't Babs' fault that he broke his leg. Not entirely. Jason Todd came along and pretended to drop Jason Bard to his death for good, knowing that Barbara would never let it come to that. So she saved Bard but fucked up his leg in the process. It's almost the exact same thing that happened to Gwen Stacy, right?! Fucking DC stealing from Marvel yet again!

Babs, full of adrenaline and not thinking straights, tries to get Jason Todd to make her a woman. A Batwoman! Wait. I didn't mean he'd turn her gay. I meant he'd...never mind! Jason Todd says goodbye and then flounces out of Gotham with a "You said I'll never be Dick Grayson!" Jesus, Jason Todd! You need some lessons in being a warrior space princess. Chill out!

With the death of Jade, Catwoman decides it's time to take her rightful place as ruler of The Gotham Underground (the regular underground and not the stupid Ann Nocenti underground). As the daughter of Rex Calabrese (supposedly?), she's ready to take control of the city and stop the chaos. And not because Batman told her to stop causing chaos. Fuck Batman.

This guy's a dick.

Batman Eternal #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why can't Futures End be this entertaining?

Lois Lane #1

I suppose naming this comic book "Superman: Lois Lane" is marginally less insulting than naming it "Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane."

I hope the next Superman-related comic book DC puts out is called "Superman's Bitch Jimmy Olsen."

One thing you can say about Kenneth Rocafort's cover art is "Are they still publishing "Choose Your Own Adventure" books?" You can say some other stuff too if you want. That was just one thing. You could also have said, "What is all that purple shit in the street?" Or maybe "Why is there a gigantic Sphinx-like bust of Lois Lane in the middle of the street in downtown Metropolis?" Perhaps you might even have said, "Why the fuck would I want to buy a comic book about Courtney Cox?" But if you said that, you probably weren't looking very closely at the cover. Also why would you even say that? I would totally buy a comic book about Courtney Cox! You might have also said, looking over at your friend shuffling on the carpet of the comic book store awkwardly waiting for you to get your funny books, "DC must have had a shortage on "M"s. Get it? See down here in the corner? Ha ha."

I'm probably not the right person to be doing any kind of review on a Lois Lane comic book. I assure you, right here up front so you know what you're getting into, I will be handling it without any dignity at all. I will probably make a joke or two about things going up her ass. I will treat her career as a "journalist" with no modicum of respect. If you're looking for a thoughtful, intelligent piece on why DC should embrace this feminist icon and produce a monthly book with Lois Lane, this is not it. Although, just for the record so you know where I stand (you should email me a brief synopsis of your own thoughts so I am on equal footing with your footing), I would love a monthly Lois Lane book. Not one where she's battling monsters and hoping Superman rescues her (not that she needs it! But to get some of the good old frottage as he carries her around to place in the old spank bank for later). I want a comic book about her investigating superheroes and discovering their secret identities and ruining their lives for the sake of her own career. That would be truly the best.

Stop being so dramatic, Lola! You were in a coma for about two days and most of that time was spent flying around as an astral projection!

Even without being in a coma, sleep is irritating. I love sleeping and I love dreaming but I really wouldn't mind spending that extra time doing something while conscious. I also resent every second of my day spent acquiring and eating food. I don't mind pooping though. That's time well spent.

Lois Lane begins by speaking about the etymology of the word Nostalgia. I've seen this before in comic book form since it was used in that episode of Mad Men where Draper has to give a presentation on the Kodak Carousel. It seems we've entered a time when we're not just nostalgic for home but for the word nostalgia itself. That sentence doesn't really make any sense but you probably wouldn't have thought twice about it if I hadn't grabbed your arm, stopped you, and pointed down at it. Although now it sounds like I'm calling you stupid or imperceptive! I mean, compared to Lois Lane, I think we're all profoundly stupid and imperceptive. At least she knows the true meaning of the word nostalgia unlike that poor lost soul Don Draper.

You can tell I'm ready for the next season of Mad Men! Get on with it already!

Lois is thinking about nostalgia because she's about to have a ton of it when her sister crashes through a window into her house speaking their old childhood secret language and looking for help. Lois's sister's girlfriend has been kidnapped and she needs help. But first, it's time for more of that pain from an old wound/painful yearning to return home. I can see why Don Draper chooses to say the thing the way he says it. It's so much more poetic, especially when seen through the experiences of his own youth and military past. The current Don Draper exists only because of an old wound. He has no actual home to yearn to return to. He has only an old wound and the corpse of the original Don Draper to return to. Whatever was before that, Don had no interest in. At least back during that episode. The end of Season 6 shows that Don is beginning to finally feel the weight of nostalgia crashing down upon him.

I should probably stop talking about Don Draper and get back to Lois Lane. Or maybe I should concentrate on their similarities! No, no. I'd better just move on. This isn't college essay week here at Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Fuck, it's never college essay week here! That shit is hard work. Mostly because you have to present coherent ideas that make an interesting point. It's easier to just come up with that profound nonsense I mentioned earlier.

I did just learn, after asking Lord Google which was the last season of Mad Men so I could type "Season Six" instead of "the last season of Mad Men" so the sentence would retain its specificity even after a new season ends, that Season Seven of Mad Men begins April 13th. Yay!

Okay, no more Mad Men! I'm going to concentrate on Lois Lane now.

Lois has a memory about her mother and how her mother told her society can suck it big time and then she died. Maybe that's not an exact quote or an exact timeline of events but I warned you I wasn't going to take this as seriously as you might have liked! Maybe you want to hear how Lois's mom taught her to think for herself. Maybe you want to hear how Lois's mom told her that she and her sister get to define themselves, that they get to incorporate or eject any part of their lives that they wish, that they are in complete control of who they will grow up to be and how they think about that person. But I'm not going to point out any of that shit. Lois's mom died and Lucy grew up knowing only Lois as a mother figure. Which is why she's come to Lois for help now that her girlfriend has been kidnapped. Although they must not have remained as close as Lois would have liked if her sister is calling her girlfriend her "roommate." As if Lois doesn't already know her little sister is gay. Lois is the best investigative journalist in the DC Universe!

Oh my God! In those old Marvel vs DC issues, did they ever pit Jimmy Olsen against Peter Parker?! How could they have not? Now I want to read those old issues and they'd better fucking exist or I'm shooting a puppy. Hey Marvel and DC from the past? Do you want to be responsible for a dead puppy? Then hopefully you considered the consequences of your actions when you wrote those team-ups and had a photo-shoot-off with Olsen and Parker! Judged by J. Jonah Jameson and Perry White (who later in the comic book wind up marrying each other).

It's a little bit creepy that she picked a girlfriend that looks so much like her sister. And a cat that looks so much like Jimmy Olsen.

Lucy's girlfriend Amanda had been taking pills that were supposedly helping her with an illness she had. She got them from someone named Ostermann which doesn't sound anything like it's probably a long-lived Nazi doctor that enjoys experimenting on the human race. This sentence should probably be set aside to apologize for any readers named Ostermann but instead I'm going to use it to remind myself to watch that Nature show tonight on PBS about Honey Badgers. The pills were making Lucy turn into some kind of demony monster thing. And eventually, a group called The Cartel came to collect her. They call themselves The Cartel because they're boring and unimaginative and must be of the generation that thinks simple, one word names that completely express what the thing is or why it exists are the best. So a restaurant should be called Eat. An art gallery should be called Snoot. A coffee shop should be called Perk. And a group that kidnaps people and engages in smuggling, fencing, and monopolistic price gouging should be called The Cartel. Actually, I'm being too imaginative with some of these!

Lois suggests that this is a job for Superman and Lucy says, "Fuck that illegal alien." And Lois goes, "Really? REALLY?" And Lucy is all, "We can't just allow everybody to live how they like! Some people, like white male alien supermen, really should be controlled somehow." This reminds me of my mom's philosophy on why she hates Middle Easterners: "Everybody needs at least one group to hate." Good point, mom! I think I'll make my group "racist moms."

Lois hits the streets in a montage of questioning people that might know something. This group of pictures as she chases down her lead needs some music behind it. I've recently hired my iTunes to score my comic books so let's find out what music iTunes thinks should back this scene: "All the Way" by the Indigo Girls. Hmm, not bad. It sort of changes the mood of the scene from tough journalist getting answers from even the scariest of street toughs to sensitive moment as she digs around to help one of the few people in her life whom she loves through a terrible tragedy.

Once she begins getting scent of The Cartel and its location, Lois calls in Jimmy Olsen to borrow one of his cameras. And the scene between them is precious.

I hope this Lois Lane One-Shot outsells Superman (which is always crap, each and every month Lobdell's name is on it!) this month. Could a Lois Lane monthly be the book that finally gives Bennett a home?

One important thing I've learned so far from this comic book is that Lois Lane sucks at spelling. Just like the blacksmith from Smallville!

Ha ha! So embarasing!

Lois finds that The Cartel is somehow linked to a new drug being sold on the streets of Metropolis. That drug is the one Amanda, Lucy's girlfriend, was taking. As Lois tries to buy some of the drug, she and the dealer and his thugs are captured by members of The Cartel. It seems they're cleaning up the streets. Perhaps they're just taking away the people that have transformed into monsters while on their drug so that people can't see the consequences of it. Or they might be good guys and The Cartel is a drug rehabilitation group. Maybe they're like The Initiative from Buffy? Hey, that's another group with a stupid, minimalist name!

So pretty much exactly like The Initiative.

As a prisoner of The Cartel (or the agents called something else because who knows what is true because Lucy is a drug abusing liar), Lois is placed inside a cell within earshot of very important and probably secret things being said. And these people know who she is, so they must really want the story to get out. It's the third oldest trick in The Book (right after pretending your wife is your sister and tricking your father into getting drunk and having sex with you)! Kidnap the hottest reporter in journalism (by hottest I mean most efficient not best looking. Technically Cat is a reporter too), pretend you're holding her prisoner but keep her in a closet near your office, talk really loudly and slowly while enunciating very carefully, and finally allow her to escape using her wits and charms. Then she rushes off to the office and bangs out a front page news story that will win her a Pulitzer. I don't know why they'd want this story out they. It seems Ostermann's drug was supposed to be used to heal people but instead it incorporated the DNA of any creature that came in contact with the use. So kind of a win/lose/mutate kind of situation.

Oh yeah, the most important thing that Lois learns? Her sister was also taking the drug! Which I hinted at earlier when I called her a drug abusing liar.

Lois Lane escapes using her wits and charms because I said that was going to happen and it did. I haven't leveled up in a while as a Master Comic Book Reader, so even though that prediction that she escapes isn't worth very many Experience Points, it's enough to make me a Master Comic Book Reader of the West Wind.

Lois finds The Initiative has lost all control of its drug addicted captives when she breaks out. After freeing Amanda, she helps to keep people safe alongside Captain Masonic Symbols Face. Lois is not just a reporter; she's a hero! And even though she could instantly call Superman by whispering, "I'm not wearing any pants," she chooses not to because she promised her sister Lucy that she wouldn't get him involved. Besides, she can take care of herself. The only reason we always see her getting rescued is because Superman is obsessed with her and overprotective. Dude, give her some space.

And finally, Lois and Amanda escape on a gigantic mosquito flea. Okay fine. I didn't see that coming. But that doesn't cost me any experience! It's not like missing an upcoming plot point is like being touched by a Wraith.

As Lois flies away on a half human/half mosquito/half why the fuck is it so big creature, I begin thinking about Lucy Lane. Didn't she appear in an early issue of Action Comics or Superman? Didn't Lois try to set her up with Clark? Lois really doesn't know her sister is gay, does she? But Lois does say earlier in this issue that "everyone is a bit blind about family." Even the greatest investigative reporter in the world!

I'm surprised Lois hasn't quit her job yet. The era of the great investigative journalist ended a couple of decades ago. Now news programs are just filled with talking heads either regurgitating official messages received during a press conference or vomiting up their own opinions concerning everything as if it were real news. News reports are filled with people on the street interviews which I've never understood. Report events not how people on the street didn't ever think the event could happen in their neighborhood. Stop reporting on local incidents that only matter to the individual the incident happened to! Stop showing viral videos. It's not really "news" if it doesn't matter to the populace at large and also if that populace has already seen it which is why the video went viral and you stupid news flunkies heard about it. Stop interrupting network shows with local election results that can be found on every other station or online or just revealed at the normal news hours. Shut up with your breaking and exclusive news brags on every fucking story. Eat my bunghole. You know what's better than news or stories or reviews done as fast as possible so you have the glory of being the first person to respond? Quality. Fucking quality, assholes. You can probably find a definition of it online even though that definition won't tell you the importance of it. Immediacy seems to be everybody's number one concern these days. Fuck immediacy. Take some time with this shit.

Always the reporter no matter what the cost! Hell, she was going to publish Superman's secret identity if it hadn't been eaten out of her psyche by Parasite.

Apparently Captain Masonic Symbols Face is actually just called The Agent. This is where I would link to my comment earlier about these jerks not having any imagination but I hate using hashtag HREF hyperlinks. Also I'm lazy.

Lois asks Superman to go check up on the other addicts after she gets home with Amanda and the giant flea mosquito which turns out to be Lucy. Captain Masonic Symbols Face pleads with Lois to have some discretion and not report the story since his group were taking care of it and detoxing everybody addicted to the drug. And finally Lois and Lucy hug or something sappy. I wasn't really paying much attention because there were no monsters or fighting or anything. It was just some nostalgic crap about not flying and not being caught and never letting your sister something or other alone.

Superman: Lois Lane One-Shot #1 Rating: More Lois Lane comic books please. And either a back-up feature with Jimmy Olsen or make sure he guest stars a lot. Also keep Bennett in the writer's seat. And lose the "Superman:" part of the title. Lois doesn't need to piggy back on Superman's face to get readers. Although that would probably get a lot of readers. The most readers even! But she doesn't need to!

Batman: The Joker's Daughter #1

This font is called "A Sane Person's Version of A Crazy Person's Handwriting."

Crazy people do not write like children on a sugar high. This is how crazy people actually write:

Writing by Me. Words excerpted from "The Commuter" by Philip K. Dick.

Anyway, here we have been presented with a version of The Joker's Daughter which may not suck! I don't think we'll have the luxury of completely erasing Ann Nocenti's influence on the character, seeing as how she has the Smiley Face Creator Staff and the same old clothes. But we might get a coherent and interesting story about The Joker's Daughter anyway! Or maybe Marguerite Bennett will go the same route with Joker's Daughter as she went with Lobo! Rob Liefeld so tainted Lobo in his Deathstroke run that DC had to declare Lobo an imposter and create Twat Lobo to take his place. I don't see how this is any different! Ann Nocenti's fragrance ("Shit Writer" by Lobdell) is all over Joker's Daughter, so maybe Bennett will introduce us to the real Joker's Daughter now!

The first page shows a lot of promise and already blows away Nocenti's version of "I'm ugly but beauty is the true ugly and I'm going to make everybody ugly so that we're all beautiful like me who is ugly" nonsense.

Okay, so she falls back on the Daddy Issues thing that DC has a huge boner for. At least it's a more personal reason to go crazy than having a vendetta against the media portrayal of beauty.

A female character having Daddy Issues might be a bit of a stereotype and cliche but it's fine here in the DC Universe since just about all of their characters, male and female, have Daddy Issues. A few have Mommy Issues which is always a refreshing change of pace that barely feels like a change of pace (more like a reskin of Daddy Issues). I also appreciate that her addict need for a new rush causes her to ingest part of The Joker's face which she just fished out of sewage. It's grotesque enough to show she's really been pushed pretty far past sanity by her current circumstances rather than Ann Nocenti's manic crusader against standards of beauty.

To begin her pursuit of her "true father," The Joker's Daughter burns a busload of kids in front of a cosmetics store. Her main goal is to get Batman's attention because she thinks The Batman can help her locate Daddy. But burning children in front of a make-up store could be seen as an attack on our pop culture need to improve our looks by any means. Although it's really just a statement that says, "Hey Batman? I'm looking for a guy that wears make-up and murders people. Can you help me locate him?"

The title of this issue is called "GolGotham" which is too clever in that specific way that makes me think Marguerite has been dying to use it for years and finally found the right place. I bet Peter J. Tomasi is kicking himself that he didn't think up this one for his Arkham War titles. The other interesting thing about the title page is that it's an all female creative team if you ignore Georges Jeanty who penciled the cover and Mike Marts, Group Editor. But those two jobs are only peripherally important to the putting together of the issue. I hope Lois Lane's one shot gets the same treatment.

The Joker's Daughter didn't kill any children, unfortunately. She just loaded the bus up with mannequins, left a note so that Batman would think it was The Joker's doing, and blew it up around Batman's ears. After Batman's done investigating and browbeating the local police, he takes off with The Joker's Daughter following after on her Big Wheel with streamers. Those were the best.

Batman is probably leading Joker's Daughter into a trap because he's The Batman and she's never done any criminal masterminding previous to this. So she probably screwed it up completely and The Batman knew before even arriving on the scene that this was a copycat crime to make him think The Joker was back. He probably even knows the booby trap was rigged by a female with Daddy Issues that hangs around with an ugly cat because The Batman is fucking amazing at interpreting forensic evidence. Like the cat pus and cat tooth and drippy cat butt stuff and mangy fur that he probably found at the scene. And the note was obviously written by someone with a much daintier grip on a pen who has practiced their cursive for at least ten thousand hours.

Batman leads Joker's Daughter down into the Gotham Underground to the place where The Joker was last seen, to the place where he fell to his death (wink). He led her there because he knew she was following him because those fucking Big Wheels make that "tick tick tick tick ticktickticktick" sound as you ride them.

No way! A poor little lost drug addict girl didn't stand a chance against Batman? Oh yeah. That's how it should be! I forgot Nocenti wasn't writing this for a second.

Batman leads Joker's Daughter up and out of the sewers and into a trap by the Gotham Police. She's easily arrested and thrown in the back of a squad car with Ugly Cat. But she manages to escape although she isn't able to bring herself to kill the police. She wants to be Daddy's Girl but she's not even close to crazy enough yet. But maybe that's why she heads off to Arkham next. So she can learn the ins and outs of proper insanity and murder.

She's a fast learner!

The Joker's Daughter becomes lost in Arkham as she hallucinates from the mushroom spores she inhaled from Golgotham. So even though The Joker isn't part of Gotham's fetishization of Lewis Carroll's characters, it's time for Joker's Daughter to take a little trip through Wonderland.

This is the cutest picture of Ugly Cat so far.

The first crazy character The Joker's Daughter meets on her journey is The Anchoress. She's Arkham's first resident and the antagonist of Marguerite Bennett's first story for The New 52. I think it was in Batman Annual #2 and was called "The Night Nurse Cometh!" Or something. Anyway, The Anchoress does her thing she do and causes The Joker's Daughter to remember her past. Or not her past. Perhaps pasts that she wants to be her past, pasts that she's read about or seen on television or simply made up in her head when bored in her room as dad made dinner and mommy made her cry.

Did anybody else read "You don't know who you are" to the tune of the final line of Spider-man's cartoon theme song?

The Joker's Daughter's next stop is to the Dollmaker, the man who removed The Joker's face for him. For some reason. I don't think it was every quite adequately explained. I tried to explain it myself during The Death of the Family run but I never really felt convinced. I felt maybe The Joker was trying to expose his true self. People saw The Joker as an identity that he was hiding behind, so he cut off his face to make The Joker the mask. Now the only person he could be was the raw, tender, exposed flesh underneath the mask, as close to his true self as possible. It was a statement to Batman that he, and Batman, were their masks. Nothing mattered but who they were when wearing the masks. The Joker didn't give a shit about Bruce Wayne or Barbara Gordon or Dick Grayson. Those people were boring. Those people were the false identities. I suppose I should think it through better but who has time to write actual essays?! I'd rather just stick to "The Joker cut off his face because he's crazy!" Ah. Much better.

The Dollmkaer mentions how he's heard of The Joker's Daughter and that she takes philosophies and corrupts them. That's not a bad interpretation of Ann Nocenti's writing! I think that means that this takes place after the Catwoman story arc. And it must because Joker's Daughter has the Dollmaker sew the Joker's face to her face. The Dollmaker also has some of The Joker's blood that he collected. He keeps it in a jar in a cabinet so I'm not sure why it hasn't dried up but it hasn't! Because The Joker's Daughter injects it into her veins and kind of flips the fuck out. She heads back to her runaway hideout and tells her true story to herself.

We all do stupid things when we're young and trying to fit our fucked-up shaped selves into society's waiting round hole but most of us are lucky enough not to do anything permanently stupid like sew the rotten face of an insane clown onto our own faces. Joker's Daughter is going to have one hell of a story to tell the people she meets in her twenties.

Back in her shack, she comes to terms with her relationship to The Joker and decides he's gone for good so she'll have to become his heir and take Gotham for herself. But then she finds a note tied to Ugly Cat that says "Hello Beautiful" and realizes it's from Daddy. That we will eventually be back. And that the person she just came to grips with is a hollow shadow of The Joker and anything she does will be destroyed when he returns. So while she was searching for him to make her life exciting, she seems to have found herself. But she loses that person when she finally gets what she wanted and realizes The Joker is still out there.

Or something. Maybe I should have just begun this whole commentary not understanding anything instead of pretending I understood it! It's hard trying to make sense of crazy people.

The Joker's Daughter #1 One Shot Rating: I have yet to decide how I'm going to archive these one shots. Do they get their own page? Do I rank them against other One Shots? Do I just let them disappear into the archives? This was a good look at The Joker's Daughter since it's the only really coherent look at her and her motivations so far. DC seems to love this character for some reason. I suppose because the character was a fan favorite in the Preboot Universe and so she sold well when returning to The New 52 even if she was being written by Ann Nocenti. On the DC Comics All Access page, they write all sorts of nonsense like "Very few characters have made an impact on The New 52 quite like the murderess madwoman knows as The Joker's Daughter" and "the most deadly new location in the DCU -- The Gotham Underground" and "You should expect big things out of The Joker's Daughter this year." Who the fuck is running DC to think that The Gotham Underground and The Joker's Daughter have been exciting to anybody in the DC Fandom? For fuck's sake, they've been given to us by Ann Nocenti! Is anybody at DC reading her bile? Have they been paying attention at all? Apparently DC's decision makers don't give a shit about the execution of ideas; they just like getting smoke blown up their asses about some exciting idea a writer has come up with, even if it's as stupid as The Gotham Underground. I don't know who to blame because the small print list of DC's Employees and their positions at he bottom of the All Access page doesn't include the position of "Employee Assigned To Insert Straws Up the Asses of The People in Charge."