Justice League of America #3

Whatever the Greek word is for the cover of this comic book, I'm a that-phile.

Officially, I'm not complaining that Lobo is on Batman's Justice League of America. Batman has a history of keeping raging psychopaths on the team so he can keep an eye on them or maybe punch them once in the face causing enough brain damage to change their personality (Fun Fact: Batman's punch to Guy Gardner wasn't the first time Guy Gardner suffered brain damage! Why aren't people cutting him some slack for his grievous brain injury?!). Also, his team composition is supposed to represent America so Lobo obviously represents the uneducated, violent, xenophobic working class (but a working class that believes hard work and reputation are the most important qualities in a person¹!). But (remember: not officially complaining here!) it does seem odd that for a person whose got a rule set like Fight Club where the first few rules are all the same rule, and where those rules happen to be "No killing!", it seems a bit hypocritical to place Lobo on your team. Maybe hypocritical is the wrong word. Maybe I should say arrogant. Batman actually thinks he can keep Lobo in check simply because he manipulated Lobo's sense of honor to always finish a contract? Seriously, I don't think Lobo has to do everything Batman says just because Lobo casually said, "I owe you one for free." I don't think Lobo would allow Batman to make that "one" into "Work for me for an indefinite period while not killing anybody at all and you probably also shouldn't fuck any Earthlings without their consent and maybe also learn to use a plunger."

The best part about comic books is that they're so fucking ridiculous. That's why I'm not officially complaining. Technically, I'm never officially complaining about anything that happens in a plot or about anything a character does (no matter how out of character it might seem to me since who am I to think I know better²?). My only real complaints are how terrible a writer or artist does their job. And often I don't complain enough about that because I pretend that the problem lies within the story and complain about the story instead of just saying, "Cullen Bunn's writing can be described by the most horrific metaphor imaginable³!" So being that comic books are utterly ridiculous by nature, I don't care about the logic behind Lobo being on the Justice League of America. I'm just thrilled that he is!

Last issue, Lord Havok became the king of Kravia. Now he's threatening the neighboring country of Gardevia. Not explicitly, of course! He's just all, "I won't stand for your people acting in a way that I won't stand for! If you don't do something about it, somebody else will! Hint, hint!" Then he apparently hits on her.

I'm going to try this line at the Karaoke Bar next week!

The people of Kravia start brewing rebellion. It's a lot like making a melting pot except more violent and with less racial epithets. Also, the melting pot thing was actually pretty violent. It turned out a lot of people just wanted Eggs Benedict. Actually, the ingredients in Eggs Benedict are probably too melting potty itself! It just sounds so white!

So, um, anyway, the rebels (two people, so far!) are sitting around a bar discussing how they're going to oust Lord Havok when Batman and the Justice League of America stroll in and are all, "Is this where the revolution is brewing?! We're here to advance our own interests in the guise of helping!" It's too bad Lord Havok doesn't have a World's Greatest Detective on The Extremists or he could have sussed out the rebellion himself. Batman is so smart to know where to find these political hooligans!

Lobo's kneepad looks like an eighth member peering through the door. "Hello there! Mr. Skully-Stars here! I'm British!"

Apparently Lobo tracked Bogna to her hidden den of rebellion. He makes sure to point it out before uninformed morons like me start giving Batman all the credit. I'm sorry, Mr. Lobo! I don't know what I was thinking! Why am I still giving credit to Batman? It's obvious you manipulated him into forming this team so you can have a nice relaxing vacation on Earth. And as a good guy, maybe you'll get to date Wonder Woman too!

Dammit. Now I want a Lobo team up book in the style of The Brave and the Bold. But he only teams up with female heroes who have become sexually intrigued by him! I hope what I just typed in that last sentence doesn't mean he did something disgusting to their buttholes. By sexually intrigued, I just meant they were interested in finding out what he has to offer in the love bathroom. Hmm, that sounded even more like something disgusting just happened to somebody's butthole. I'm so turned on right now!

You know what two words I can't stand? Capital and capitol. Stop purposefully trying to be confusing⁴!

The rebellion's only request of the Justice League of America is to overthrow Havok and The Extremists. After that, they'll take care of the rest. I thought Bogna was going to be way too proud to ask the Justice League of America to do practically everything! The nerve!

While the rebellion foments, Lord Havok visits the neighboring countries to tell him all about his open palm slash fist metaphor. One of the countries he visits is Zandia and he's all, "This place sucks in this timeline. Get it together, Rebirth!" I don't recognize any of the other countries. That means they're probably real!

Remember how I just figured out last issue that The Extremists were parodies of Marvel heroes? I just remembered it myself! And that also means that the cover is even more exciting than I first thought! It's a rematch between Lobo and Wolverine (albeit a lousy parody Wolverine but I'm honoring the sentiment!). And this time the fight had better not take place off panel behind a bar! And also, Lobo had better win! What a stupid rip-off that last fight was. Nobody really believed Wolverine could beat Lobo. The vote was rigged! It was all politics! It was a popularity vote! If comic book fans had the ability to use logic and not just their nerd boners for certain characters, it would have been totally obvious to the Wolverine fans that the Lobo fans were being totally logical and scientific in voting for Lobo to win.

Gross. His world must stink. Also, how can you trace any scent when you can smell everything?! I'm surprised Tracer can speak or use a toilet since most of his brain must be used in sorting scents.

I hope Lobo wins the battle by farting directly into his face.

The only fight I want to read about now is the battle between Lobo and Tracer. All those flexing muscles! Maybe a bit of clothing torn off in just the right spots to see a little inner buttock or maybe the slight wrinkling of a scrotum! Nipples hard and quivering through the sweat of physical exertion! Their lips coming closer and closer as they threaten each other with outrageous tortures! Oh man. I'm so turned on right now!

Killer Frost and The Atom battle Death Bat (who just killed her teammate Brute who had been sent to kill her for being weak. Ha ha. Who's weak now, et tu Brute? Did that sound intelligent?). It's the worst battle because Death Bat does that thing where a comic book villain knows more than they should know so that they can use it against the heroes. So she happens to know that none of the team really trusts Killer Frost and tries to use that to make Killer Frost doubt herself. Instead, Killer Frost is all, "I've changed! And you can change too! I mean, people seem to accept a hero with the name Killer Frost. Death Bat probably won't go over too bad either!"

Black Canary fights Gorgon and judging by his tentacle hair, it's bound to be the sexiest fight of them all.

Hee hee. Eyes up. He's looking at her cleavage! Or, at the very least, I'm looking at her cleavage!

What's with female super heroes in cool boots refusing to lace them? Is that a form of martial arts I don't know about? Like drunken style? Tripping over your laces fu?

The Ray battles Dreamslayer although it's not much of a battle. It's more of a therapy session. Ray is all, "Why aren't you being as mean and violent as the rest?" And Dreamslayer is all, "Because I'm afraid of the monster that I might become!" And The Ray is all, "You're gay, right?" And Dreamslayer is all, "Kiss me!"

Okay, maybe that scene only happened in my Masturbationarium.

Wink, wink!

Batman, Vixen, and the Rebellion go after Lord Havok on the throne. When they break into the throne room to punch him in the face, he's all, "I've already won! I made diplomatic deals with the surrounding nations that were only based on about 95% threats! That means they'll stand behind me and not you! I mean...that's how it works, right? Wait. Did I miscalculate?" And he did miscalculate but not in the way he was thinking. He miscalculated by not killing Batman in the first issue and then by not keeping an eye on Batman ever since that moment and then by not realizing Batman had infiltrated his inner sanctum! Idiot.

Batman steals Havok's shield off of his back so he can stand there looking like Captain America. You know, just in case Steve Orlando had to sell this script to Marvel!

Oh, and Lobo's battle with Tracer lasted one panel where Lobo put out his cigar in Tracer's eye. That was almost as bad as the fight behind the bar and the hand reaching up for the cigar to indicate who won! Which could have been either Lobo or Wolverine, so it shows the scene was already written long before the votes were tallied! All it needed was the colorist to choose the correct palette!

The Ranking!
Obviously this is the best comic book DC is currently publishing. Obviously that is an objective assessment and not the rantings of a total Lobo fanboy.

_________________________________
¹As long as that person is white.
²I'm Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, dammit! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!
³I'll let you come up with the metaphor because I don't want a bunch of offended people trying to ruin my life. I mean, I can think up some really offensive metaphors! So bad! They're in their right now, dancing around inside my mind doing the most horrible things to each other. So terrible!
⁴Of course, just like every other confusing thing in English, it only takes a brief overview to clear up the confusion forever. So people who don't know when to use who and whom are just being purposefully ignorant! And I know purposefully ignorant!

Raven #6

More like Carnival of Raven Jizzing Her Pants!

If you haven't been reading this series and you're waiting for the trade, might I offer some advice? Just find Issue #1 and #6 in the fifty cent bins. Nothing happens in the other issues. Actually, nothing might happen in this issue either. But I'm assuming Marv will, at the very least, offer some kind of resolution to the threadbare plot he's created.

Raven has finally gotten into the White Carnival. I would explain what the White Carnival is but Marv hasn't been too free with the details in the previous five issues. It has something to do with Raven's soul-self which can fly free from her body when she's not paying attention. It also might have something to do with Trigon which is why the carnival has No Consent Fucking in the Bum-per Cars, a Hall of Sleep-creeping, and mascots roaming the park who don't know the meaning of the word "No!"

Welcome to Trigon's Marriott's Rape America!

I guess Marv Wolfman is too old to care that his favorite character he's ever created might as well just be the word RAPE in big bold letters.

This guy just got off the Cum Guzzler.

I hope this White Carnival is like Dante's Hell. At the center of the park will be a gigantic Trigon with an elephant ear stuffed into his mouth as he jizzes into fryers to make more for the guests.

Raven wanders around the Carnival while lost souls all around her plead for it to stop while I ponder what the White Carnival is a metaphor for. I really have no idea, probably because I haven't been paying a lot of attention to this comic book as I read it. Hopefully Marv will do that thing where writers aren't totally confident that their message will be understood and he'll have a character explain what it's all been about near the end.

After realizing she can't help anybody, Raven crumbles under the onslaught of the mysterious force behind the White Carnival. She gets up and suddenly can't remember who or where she is. Now I'm thinking this entire series could have just been this one issue! Since Raven is going to have to learn everything about this story again, who needs to read the previous issues? And she does relearn everything in one of the weakest "I remember it all now!" moments in any comic book I've ever read. And there have certainly been a lot of those.

"My memories have been taken. Which reminds me, my memories have been taking before! Way to jog my memory, loss of memory!"

Raven forces her way outside of the White Carnival before she completely loses the memories she remembered, since she kept losing them. Once outside of the White Carnival, I ask myself, "Why did DC publish this series? It's terrible!"

Raven's religious aunt heads over to the White Carnival to save Raven with Christianity. Aunt Alice convinces everybody outside the White Carnival to hold hands and give their strength to Raven. For some reason, everybody does it. Where are all the cynical assholes with the snarky comments at moments like these?! I know San Francisco has to have at least a few of them. Instead they all hold hands and help. Fucking sheep.

With the power of love and, apparently, God, Raven destroys the White Carnival. Hopefully now will be the part where somebody explains what just happened! Although if nobody does, I really won't be too disappointed. I'm sure the message is either "Help each other out" or "Pray to God to help people, if you can't be bothered to."

Afterward, nobody remembers. So Raven takes their memories in the same way the monster behind the White Carnival took their memories. So her soul-self was behind it all, right? And now she's super powerful because she drained so many people! And she's going to be the big villain in the next DC Crisis, right?

Meanwhile in space, more White Carnivals are all, "Whoa! One of us died! Should we send another?" And they answer themselves with "No way, dude! We need more souls!"

The Ranking!
-4. I've now spent forty-five years on this stupid planet, doing terrible things and good things and all the things that make people flawed and human. But I can honestly say that if I have any time at all for regret before I die, it will all be concentrated on reading this series. Hey, Marv. Apparently you've been at this game for far too long. You're used to writing an ongoing series where you can hint at future antagonists and dangers. But when you have a six issue limited series, don't you feel you owe it to the people supporting that series to tell a complete story? What is this bullshit of having the antagonist be mysterious for six issues and then end it on offering no other explanation than "It was from space!" Okay, sure, sometimes that's a decent enough explanation! But it helps if that spaceborne entity at least sings a song with curse words in it.

Raven #5

Catchy nickname.

The covers for this comic book make me believe that Marv Wolfman didn't have any idea what the story was going to be in time to give the cover artists an idea of the story inside. Marv probably just said, "It'll be about Raven in high school or something! And she does magic and shit! I'll probably throw Trigon in there and he'll rape some stuff." The cover of Issue #6 will probably be Trigon with his dick in a mailbox.

The White Carnival is still kidnapping people. Raven still can't get a ticket to the carnival. Her Aunt continues to ask Raven if she believes in God. Oh, and Antt's name is spelled with two Ts. That's important for some reason. I think it's so Antt's fragile ego isn't destroyed by everybody's ignorance of her superior individuality.

While Raven does nothing, Aunt Alice discovers her niece is a Teen Titan.

Fake news! The Titans haven't even saved New York once!

Raven's friends hang out in the hospital doing nothing. Raven's cousin comes out to find her but winds up doing nothing but getting in trouble. Raven's Aunt watches Raven turn into a demon on television and does nothing. And Raven almost continues to do nothing until she finally gets into the White Carnival just before this issue ends.

What Did I Learn?
I learned this series should have been two issues long. Raven should have found the White Carnival at the end of Issue #1 and entered it at the beginning of Issue #2. Then Issue #2 would be whatever is going to happen in Issue #6 and Issues #2-5 wouldn't exist because nothing fucking happened in them anyway.

The Ranking!
-1!

Raven #4

This cover makes me think of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Since Donald Trump is against the free exchange of ideas, supporters of Donald Trump are not allowed to read my blog anymore. Not that it really matters! The moment any of them read that, my blog became idiotic and unfunny to them, no matter what they thought of it before.

I really am finding difficult to read a comic book straight through these days without being distracted. I have to keep stopping to tweet to President Trump or Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Here's my latest tweet to Trump:

@realDonaldTrump While you're investigating voter fraud, maybe look into gangs driving without headlights on and murderers with hookhands.

It's suddenly become more fun to tweet at Trump and Spicer than to make fun of comic books. I sincerely think the best course of action is to tweet Trump hilariously insulting daily tweets until he can't take the incessant criticism and quits.

But enough about stuff that doesn't matter! Let me explain how shitty this comic book is!

The White Carnival is still pulling people into it. It's been doing that without any real change to the plot for three issues now because DC mini-series have to be six issues long, no matter how much story Marv Wolfman was able to come up with. Raven has wound up in the hospital battling her soulself while a terrible doctor looks on.

"Cardiac arrest! Oh no! I have to cut her open!"

The doctor is about to cut into Raven saying, "I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing, but I know she will die if I do nothing." Maybe he's the janitor who just found a scalpel lying nearby? Surprisingly, the doctor doesn't do anything and Raven doesn't die. I bet the nurses never look him in the eye again.

Once more, people go in to the White Carnival, people come out drained, and Raven cannot get in. It's still not powerful enough to defeat her. It would have been nice if it were powerful enough as soon as it was up and running so this series could have been two issues long.

Raven also takes care of the super-villains trying to take credit for the White Carnival in order to collect a ransom. None of them are ever named because they were just a way to prolong a story that has no point. Oh, and Raven battled Trigon's will because Marv Wolfman doesn't know how to write a Raven story without featuring Trigon.

What Did I Learn?
I learned I've had my fill of Trump supporters. If they're still supporting Trump at this point, they're obviously only concerned with gloating. Introspection is not a thing they are capable of. They steadfastly believe that the truth is propaganda and that propaganda is truth because they have such a high degree of self-confidence in their ability to sense bullshit. But they are wrong. They will always be wrong. Because instead of stopping and wondering why Trump is working to remove all transparency from Washington when he stated he was giving America back to the people, they're busy calling people libtards and laughing about their liberal tears. They're angry and butthurt and they have no idea why the anger didn't go away when Trump became president so they continue to lash out at those they perceive are their enemies (thus actually making them their enemies). They can't understand why they should stand up for anything that doesn't affect them directly and so revel in other people's misery. Eventually they'll learn that they've been duped but we're all going to pay the price until then. I have a sad feeling the only thing that will make Trump supporters angry at this point is when they realize they're paying for the Mexican Border Wall out of their taxes. Actually, that sad feeling is "hope" and it makes me sad because I don't even think that will do it for them.

The Ranking!
No change.

Teen Titans #2

I'm so thrilled that Raven has lost the stupid mask of feathers that I'm not even going to mention Starfire's missing right boob.

This issue begins with Damian proving that he needs to spend less time patrolling the streets of Gotham all night and more time studying.

I'm not a professional evolutionary batologist but I think I can already detect some holes in Damian's reasoning!

I'll give Damian an A+ for his opening statement! Bats are the only mammals that can fly! Aside from my cat when she's annoying me, and she only flies in short bursts that are usually stopped by the wall on the far side of the room. But his theory that an animal made a choice in its evolution is crazy talk! Not to mention that bats didn't actually trade their arms for wings! They just grew some leathery skin between their fingers. Which might also be what the bird did but even further back than the bat. I'm even less an evolutionary birdologist! Unless I'm just about equally neither. And why is Robin thinking about bats anyway?! He's named after a fucking bird! This little shit really needs to see the inside of a classroom. And why does he bring up switching on genes? I guess he's talking about the gene that makes wings instead of arms which is totally how evolution works and why a creature needs to make a conscious choice to evolve, which it then, apparently, does instantly because the gene switch gets flipped!

I think maybe Percy should stick to stories about how racism is totally uncool.

It's also quite possible that everything Damian just said makes perfect sense since I haven't seen the inside of a science classroom in twenty five years! Also, I spent most of my time in Biology trying to sleep with the girl who sat next to me. Little did I know that the girl who really wanted to sleep with me was in my Steinbeck class! "Sleeping with somebody" is old slang for "talking with somebody." I don't know which makes more sense because neither of those things is anywhere close to fucking!

Robin is still celebrating his thirteenth birthday in the flashbacks. He spent the earlier part of the day eating cake with Alfred. Now he's celebrating the part of the day where his mother visits.

That's a slick looking Damian logo.

Damian continues to mope because his father is too busy doing Justice League things to celebrate Damian's birthday with him. It's pathetic! I don't think I'm going to get used to sad sack Damian! "My father didn't come to my birthday party! I have no friends! My grandfather wants to kill me!" Fucking baby! Buck up!

Talia's gift to Damian was information about the Demon's Fist. Five assassins who all got to choose five targets as their thesis projects. So basically the Demon's Fist chose the new Teen Titans roster. That's fitting since the Teen Titans have never done anything but react to people trying to kill them. It has always been the worst super team in the DC Universe. They're not super heroes; they're super targets.

Damian kidnapped the future Teen Titans and brought them to San Francisco. I hope that's going to be their base of operations because San Francisco is always getting shortchanged in the DC Universe. When it does get some love, it's usually because some shitty back-up team or second squad takes up residence there. It's possible DC was just trying to preserve continuity since most of San Francisco was destroyed in Shade the Changing Man #9.

Starfire must be thinking, "Why am I hanging out with these children?" Or "I'm so fucking horny!" One of those.

Damian explains to the others why their lives are in danger. You know, that thing about the thesis and graduating from assassin school! He says the Demon's Fist choose their targets by finding somebody who will make a good rival--"the sun to their moon," as he explains it. I didn't know the sun and the moon were rivals! Is that from The Bible?

Talia gave Damian a USB drive with information on the assassins. They are Blank, an albino shapeshifter who decided Beast Boy would make a good rival because Beast Boy is green. Green and white are rivals like the sun and the moon, I guess. Then there's Stone who has super strength and Earth powers. His target is Starfire because sometimes the sun has a rivalry with the Earth. It's kind of a complicated three way rivalry system. The moon and the Earth also fight, like when Eclipso battles Terra. After that is Plague who has a diseased touch. Her enemy is Raven because, I guess, Raven's eat the corpses of people who have died from the plague. That reasoning is about as good as the sun gossiping about the moon behind its Earth, right? Then there's Nightstorm who "can bend the weather to his will, weaponizing it into a hard wind or gusting himself into flight." Ooh, scary! He can make a strong breeze! His rival is Kid Flash because Kid Flash isn't just about speed. Remember he's got that lightning bolt on his chest, so lightning is somehow important to his character or something. Finally there is the leader of the Demon's Fist, Mara! She's super smart and knows Kung Fu really well and can stab things and stuff. She's basically a female Robin so her target is Damian.

Now that the Teen Titans have been told that they have archenemies, they're ready to build a Tower and become a fully operational superhero team! I imagine it's only a matter of time before some councilperson in San Francisco begins trying to kick them out of the city. I mean, this whole new Rebirth incarnation of them is supposed to fix them so they're not criminals who do nothing but garner public derision. But I can't help feeling they're already heading down that path.

While Damian is trying to convince the others that he's as great as he knows he is, the Demon's Fist attacks!

Why does Mara have bandages all over her inner thighs? Does her vagina secrete battery acid?

The first thing Blank tries against Beast Boy is to look like Beast Boy. Beast Boy simply looks at him like, "WTF?" At least, I think that's how he's looking at him. He's currently in the form of a tiger and I'm not great at reading the facial expressions of tigers. I assume most of their expressions mean either "I'm going to kill and eat you" or "I'm going to kill and not eat you." Then Blank decides to look like Red Robin. If Beast Boy weren't so sensitive, he would now simply turn into a gorilla and pound Blank into a shapeless puddle. But he's a huge baby and becomes too sad to battle.

The first thing this team needs to work on when they begin training is their battle repartee.

The others all encounter their own problems with defeating their Demon's Fist rivals. I guess they'll have to come up with a plan other than the one where they allow the Demon's Fist to dictate the rules of battle. That plan will probably be to work together or to switch combatants. Since this is a comic book, there aren't any other choices. Oh, except to be defeated soundly or to run! This is, after all, only their first encounter with the Demon's Fist. The Rules of Comic Books practically demands that the heroes be unsuccessful in this first battle. But after that, they'll do one of those two plans I previously outlined.

If Kid Flash becomes Nightstorm's greatest enemy, doesn't that mean Nightstorm is fated to fail to kill Kid Flash and flunk out of assassin school? No wonder he hates him so much!

Mara tells the Teen Titans Damian's secret about being Ra's al Ghul's grandson and they all immediately flip the fuck out. As if having a racist grandfather makes the grandchild racist! Nobody in comic books can think logically. They all just jump to conclusions and instantly lose trust in anybody who has told them one teeny tiny lie. Although I suppose they had no trust in Damian to begin with since he kidnapped them and was forcing them into his stupid new Teen Titans.

Damian and Goliath flee the cave when Mara sets off explosives to collapse it on everyone. But he does come back to retrieve the other Teen Titans and to tell them that he's chosen the way of the Batman instead of the way of the Assassin, even though his father is a huge asshole who can't even be bothered to stop by on Damian's thirteenth birthday.

San Francisco experiences its first case of massive property damage without any of the benefits of having superheros in town. That's what the Teen Titans bring to your city! Good luck, San Francisco!

The Review!
This is par for the course for the Teen Titans. They form a group which subsequently simply fights villains who attack them directly. The plots are formulaic in that the Teen Titans often face a group of foes whose powers match theirs in some way, and the Teen Titans are beat until they learn to work together (or fight the foes whose powers are like the member of the team whose ass they can consistently kick!). They never actually perform any actions for the greater good. But I will say, that's a step up from a team that actively breaks the law or is written by Scott Lobdell!

I still haven't been reminded how I'm supposed to feel about racism. It was bad right?

Earth Too: Society Annual #1

Haven't we reached peak Batman saturation yet?

The Facts!
• I am not an earnest, well-intentioned Writer who says the things that people want to hear so they can feel righteous in their daily vitriolic anger. I cannot lead the revolution! If I were to discuss anything of any real import, I would just wind up making light of it and not treating it seriously enough for the people who actually care about it. Sometimes there's a place for earnestness and optimism. Even I enjoy reading and listening to people who really want to say something meaningful and important in a completely unselfish way. But this isn't that place. This is where you can come to pretend you don't live in a world where every single statement by every single person is gross and problematic to at least one other person in the world and thus nobody should actually say anything at all ever. Let me be your martyr. Let me be crucified for your gross and problematic sins. Believe in me and you will...well, you won't have everlasting life or anything. You might, if you're lucky, realize that people can joke about pretty much everything because the world is a shitty and painful place and who has the right to tell anybody else that they can't make a joke about something if it somehow lightens the world a little for them. I mean within the well-established rules of who can joke about what, of course! I would obviously never make a joke about the Portuguese because I'm not Portuguese! Although aren't we all brothers and sisters? Are we not all the same? Do we not all share a common ancestor, far back in the hidden recesses of our unknowable history? So I probably can make a Portuguese gardener joke, right?!

• I'm so sick of people aspiring to inspire. Inspiration is bullshit. Inspiration is like taking a shot of adrenaline, pumping your fist in the air, and screaming "This!" at the top of your lungs and then, as the excitement of the moment moves further and further into your past, slowly descending back into your pathetic do-nothing attitude surrounded by boxes of empty Oreo containers. Inspiration without motivation or ambition is as useful as a power surge. Inspiration has simply become a major buzzword because it slaps a layer of selflessness over something that is inherently selfish and self-involved. It's a way to believe that the fulfillment of your dreams (which, generally, could technically be described as "selfish desires") has a bigger impact on the world than just making you happy and satisfied.

• Oh, I brought up inspiration because this story is called "Legacy" and we all know what that means in comic book parlance. A hero is an older person who the company thinks fans can't identify with so that hero inspires a younger generation to completely rip them off. Now the company has the same hero but with a younger demographic. Cha-ching!

• Dick is speaking with his son John about taking over as the next Batman after Dick gives up his life to save Earth-Too. How did John and Dick get back together? Who the fuck knows? I don't really care but I'm certain this comic book is about to tell me.

• Is it really wise to have a six year old as the new Batman? I know his body looks sixteen! But he's got the mind of a six year old! His relationship with Legacy Catwoman is going to be just a lot of her chasing him around Gotham as he screams, "Gross!"

• The story finally gets around to beginning at the beginning where Ultra-Humanite is still trying to convince a six year old that he doesn't need his deadbeat dad in his life anymore. That's when The Huntress falls out of the sky screaming at John that he has to come with her. Doesn't she know you probably shouldn't startle a six year old holding a flamethrower?

• Before John can go with Helena, he must deal with his grief.

I mean, he has to battle a kid named Grief.

• I wish somebody would accidentally knock over the Pandora Vessel--I mean Casket!--and just remake Earth-2 already. If these characters survive, I won't be particularly happy with the Rebirth Earth-2 comic book. Am I truly supposed to care about John Grayson? Unless he begins acting like a six year old in a sixteen year old's body, I just can't take him seriously.

• Remember how Superboy was a newborn baby in a sixteen year old's body? I never took him seriously either!

• The six year old psychoanalyzes his father. I guess John Grayson is just another fucking genius child in the DC Universe. They're all so fucking smart! When do us stupid people get representation?! I mean aside from Jaime Reyes.

• Dick points out to his kid how he isn't fit to be Batman. He was just a lousy journalist. His entire training consists of watching his wife fight people to protect the family and breaking his back. But I guess that's enough because he hasn't been killed by Earth-2 Joker yet. Oh, I guess he was also trained by Huntress and Wildcat. But that was only after he survived all the Conversion Earth-2 bullshit.

• Dick almost quits but his son throws a tantrum and is all, "I want Batman as my daddy!" So Dick decides to keep being Batman and John decides to be his sidekick and earnest people everywhere who can't listen to "Cat's in the Cradle" without turning into a soaking wet ball of snot probably feel a twinge of sentimentality while reading this story. My dad is a piece of shit who was drunk through most of my first two decades and then expected to become my best friend in later years and I don't feel anything when I hear "Cat's in the Cradle" or read stories where fathers and sons bond. Although sometimes Nick Cave's "The Weeping Song" penetrates the callus over my heart and makes me feel like maybe I'm causing my dad pain by not allowing him to think he's my best friend. What's up with that?! Why does that song suddenly make me feel like the bad guy?!

The Opinions!
I don't care about this version of Dick Grayson and I certainly don't care about his son John whom Dick couldn't be bothered to protect for about thirty or more issues of Earth-2. So now I'm supposed to buy into this relationship because of the way John keeps calling Dick "Daddy"?! Fuck that! Somebody open the Pandora Casket already so we can get back the Justice Society!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #6

How is Deadshot not constantly being shot and killed by people on the left side of his body?

The Review!
Halo and Katana and Cat are now a family so I don't care about any other changes that come with Rebirth. This was all I needed. Just them, together. And on the opposite side of the comic book in the second story, Lawton returns to his family too! I mean, he loses his real family which is his daughter. But the Suicide Squad is more of a family to Floyd than Suchin, right? She's so boring. Always wanting to do little kid things that usually aren't invading another country, murdering murderers, and causing violent mayhem all across the globe. Her violent mayhem is limited to the playground. I like this format for Suicide Squad stories centering around specific characters. It's relatively cheap for two comic books and since the characters are bound to the Squad, it's less likely that the person purchasing the comic book will be dissatisfied with one of the stories. Unless, of course, one of the stories winds up being written by Scott Lobdell. Then I'd feel conflicted buying this even if the other story were written by Peter Milligan.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with the conclusion to the Katana story first. That's disappointing because I'm most interested in the Katana story and I might lose interest by the time I get to the Deadshot story. I assume the Deadshot story will be comprised of the death of Will Evans and Suchin's tearful goodbye to Floyd as he's taken back to Belle Reve where Amanda Waller will do the Running Man and then the Back the Bus Up and then the Cabbage Patch and end it with a quick, smooth Pop and Lock.

The Aurakles have decided they enjoy feeling emotions and one emotion they want to feel is genocide. That might not be an emotion but this is the universe where willpower is an emotion, so I'm standing by my statement. The only way to stop the Aurakles is to threaten to kill the only one of their own that's currently vulnerable: the one in Violet Harper's body. So with her Soulsucker sword up against Violet's trachea, Katana backs the fuck out of the room. That should buy her and the Squad a few pages!

Meanwhile, the Markovian army continues to attack Kobra's Ark with their ineffective Eastern Bloc weapons scavenged from the Soviet's crumbling empire. Although according to Batman and the Outsiders, Markovia isn't actually an Eastern Bloc country at all!

The Narrator failed geography.

Prince Brion has yet to crash into Markovia's experimental geothermal power station, so he's not that idiot Geoforce yet. He's just the regular royal idiot he's always been. Although his sister has her super powers if The Ravagers is still in continuity! What happened there?

Katana learns that the Aurakles can be killed by combining electricity with the Soulsucker. Too bad Black Lightning isn't part of these new Outsiders! It would make it much easier to keep the Aurakles from killing them all. Kind of like back in the original Batman and the Outsiders! Hopefully Enchantress memorized a bunch of Lightning Bolt spells. I wonder if the Soulsucker has any new powers now that it has an Aurakle trapped within it?

After Enchantress tries to separate the Aurakle from Violet, the Aurakle takes over control of Violet's body. Now that's the Halo I had a crush on! The innocent blank slate! Violet Harper was a selfish jerk who totally did it with guys and shot up with the drugs! Hmm. Now that I've matured, I realize I like Violet Harper better.

The Aurakles return to once again try to convince their lost sheep to return to them. But now it wants to stay because it really likes having a vagina. Probably. That's why I would stay. Plus the breasts.

She did memorize Lightning Bolt! I mean, it's not that surprising. Unless she totally filled up on Fireballs, what else is worth memorizing? Water Breathing? Clairaudience? Okay, maybe Haste! But who wants to age their characters prematurely?!

The Suicide Squad cripple Kobra's Ark and it begins falling out of the sky. The Squad manage to get aboard some escape pods but Katana and Halo remain on board to die. For some reason. I guess some people just like the idea of becoming a martyr. Katana, not Halo! Halo is unconscious! Kobra has escaped as well and Eve is safely tucked away in the Soulsucker sword.

Before the ship crashes, Halo wakes up, picks up Katana, and flies to safety, even though everybody is going to point and laugh at her ridiculous costume. That shit has got to change. Come on, Rebirth! What good are you if not for fixing stupid crap like this?

The story ends happily ever after for everybody except Kobra, Eve, and Battleaxe. It even makes me tear up at the end and say, "Oh, come on!"

The part that got me isn't even the cat finding a family bit or the Halo not understanding hunger and being so adorable! It was that bit way down in the bottom right-hand corner!

Next up is Deadshot's story! Maybe I should have been demarcating the two halves of the comic book with a bold header of some kind! Oh well. Too late now! This shit is almost over!

Luckily Will Evans took Suchin because now Waller doesn't have to convince Floyd to kill Evans for her. Everybody's needs are lining up with each other! Except for Evans' needs! His need is to kill Lawton so that he can get all the Deadshot pay he deserves. But there's no way he's ever going to take over Lawton's job, especially when this story begins with Lawton showing compassion and rescuing three children. That's like the opposite of kidnapping and threatening the life of a child!

Floyd and Will play a game of Deathmatch Island. Two Deadshots walk in, one Deadshot steps over the body of Will Evans walking out.

This sums up the story for people who don't care about the whole father/daughter relationship thing.

Anyway, Lawton is back on the Squad. He and Waller seem to have come to some kind of understanding that they can work with. And Suchin gets to live in Australia. At least until somebody tells her that she isn't living in Australia at all and Waller lied to her and she turns bitter and angry and eventually follows in her father's footsteps.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #5

Another gay black character is going to be killed for no reason! What is this Orange is the New Black?

The Review!
I rewatched Adaptation last night and I think the theme of that movie was that writing is masturbation. No wonder I'm really into both of those. There may have been some other themes too but I was too interested in the masturbation one. I think Baker's The Fermata had that same theme! I remember not really caring much about Adaptation the first time I saw it. But maybe I like it a little better now. Kaufman really nails how writing about writing truly is the masturbation of writing. But writing to please an audience isn't so great either. Writing to please oneself? Well, we're back to the masturbation analogy. But what else is there, really? If you're not into self-pleasure, why bother with life at all? I realize when I get caught up in criticism and expectation (like how people expect a comic book review out of me), I get bogged down in doubt and trite bullshit. I'm much better at simply being comfortable masturbating with an audience. If they want to watch, that's up to them and their issues! If they're turned off by it then they can look away. I just need to continue to do it my way. You know, slow at first with a lot of shaft play and then quicker while really giving my testicles a pounding. I'm talking about my writing style, you pervs! Do you think I'd actually describe to strangers how I masturbate? Um, and the comic was pretty good and all that. It had art and lettering and stuff. Number out of Number. Would probably not read again but that's just because I have a lot to read and not an indication of quality so maybe I should have just left it out.

The Commentary!
I think Orange is the New Black made a mistake by having Bayley accidentally kill Poussey. I get that they want to show how the prison industrial complex ruins everybody's lives, even a white guy who has broken the law multiple times while growing up who eventually gets a job in a prison so that he can accidentally kill an inmate and even then still get away from having his life ruined by a corrupt system even though that seems to be the theme of the season. I knew Poussey was going to die because she was separate from all the drama and her story arc was moving her to a happier and happier place every episode. Television writers are so predictable. But she shouldn't have been accidentally killed and it certainly shouldn't have been by Bayley. Showing how often Bayley should have been in trouble and contrasting that with Poussey's life was enough to show how arbitrary it is as to who is wearing the orange jumper and who is wearing the uniform. If Poussey was going to be killed, it should have just been by that maniac Humphries. Or better yet, have Humphries obviously killing Poussey and kill Bayley as he saves her life doing the fucking job he's supposed to be doing. Leave his body on the floor for a day or two and put Poussey in medical in critical condition. There are multiple ways to tell the story sticking to the theme of the season and it's telling that the writers chose the one they did. Everything could have played out the same way with the prison exploding into a riot after Caputo gives his press conference expressing how the prison did everything by the book and seemingly letting Humphries off the hook. Or the press conference could have painted the prisoners as the reason a guard died, completely ignoring the actions of the maniacs currently posing as prison guards.

I'm not saying people wouldn't still be angry! Viewers would probably be upset that the writers were trying to get them to feel sorry and mourn for a white guy! But Poussey would still be alive. Not that I care. I stopped being emotionally invested when Tank Girl was sent to psych.

This issue begins with a prison screw up of its own. And maybe a death soon too! Lawton has escaped solitary at Belle Reve and Amanda Waller wants to kill whoever fucked up. Although I don't think she kills employees. I mean non-Squad employees! She kills those ones...well, never, actually. I wanted to say regularly but there has been a dearth of death in this stupid comic book about a squad nicknamed "Suicide Squad" due to the high probability of members dying. They never die! Ever! It's more dangerous to be one of Waller's assistants at this point! This comic book should be called Suicide Secretary.

After removing his neck bomb and escaping Belle Reve, Deadshot's first order of business is finding his reason to live. Or his reason not to hurtle himself toward death at every opportunity, anyway.

Did anybody even consider using this cover? Sometimes touching sells better than violence! Emotional touching not pederasty!

Amanda plans on ruining Deadshot's plans because she's a jerk who hates when people get one over on her. Also maybe she's doing it because Deadshot is a mass murderer (or is he a serial killer?) who should be locked up for the rest of his life, no matter how much he and his daughter love each other. Deadshot may have been able to run off to Australia with his daughter but he's not a responsible dad. Instead of making Suchin his priority, he makes killing the false Deadshot his number one on the to-do list. And since Amanda isn't stupid (just mean and stubborn and a bully and a jerk and not fat anymore), she plans on having the Squad ambush Deadshot when he goes to kill Deadshot. Good thing Harley Quinn is going to turn on Deadshot and throw in with Deadshot!

Except Deadshot has put Suchin first. He doesn't mind leaving Will Evans to be the new Deadshot. He just had to get some money for his life on the run by killing a bunch of Falcone's men for some dirty diamonds. While Floyd is away getting the money, Will kills Suchin's foster family and kidnaps her. I know his plan is to get Deadshot to come after her so Will can kill him. But did Will really think it through? Isn't this just going to piss off Deadshot so that he makes sure Will dies a miserable, painful, excruciating, add as many more synonyms for painful as you want death? A better plan — a Deadshot plan! — would have been to wait with a sniper rifle on the roof of a building across from where Suchin was located to shoot Floyd in the head without Floyd ever knowing anything was wrong! Will isn't a good Deadshot at all.

The Katana story is called "Call Her Halo" which makes my heart go pitter-patter-splooge. I had such a huge crush on Halo when I was much, much younger and reading Batman and the Outsiders. I would explain why but how can you translate the desires of the heart? I suppose if you're crass, you could say something like "Her ass reminded me of a freshly laid out buffet and I, the only diner." Although at the age I was when I first crushed on Halo, I could never have even begun to imagine the pleasure of giving a thorough rim job. Butts were gross! Although oddly compelling. Maybe I just liked the way she had some color in her hair and the way she would press her kitten firmly against her spandex-clad bosom? Who am I to solve the mysterious complexities of love and affection?

I bet the main reason I loved her was that she was fictional and I could put her on a pedestal and believe she was whatever I wanted her to be because she didn't actually have any real personality! Loving a real person is so hard! You have to be all, "Oh! You're so interesting! You have wants and desires too? And they're different from mine? Oh, I'm not bored at all by your speaking! Will you touch my penis after you're done talking? Or maybe just a little while you are?"

Why was Kobra investigating science?

Surprisingly (to me, anyway), Katana and the Suicide Squad were not killed at the end of the last issue! They used a magic trick to appear to be somewhere where they were not. Enchantress claims it is real magic but I suspect it was done with mirrors. Katana manages to hitch a ride on Kobra's Ark using her belt-scarf as a lasso. She's practically a ninja so I was totally not thinking, "Pshaw! Even for a comic book, this strains my credulity!" Mostly I didn't think that because I don't know what "credulity" means.

The Suicide Squad manage to commandeer a rocket ship from that idiot Brion Markov so that they can catch up with Katana on Kobra's Ark.

Don't worry! They're the Suicide Squad! None of them ever die! I mean, that one died. Battleaxe! But we all knew she was going to die because she was a gay black woman! Or was she? Who can remember? She was so unremarkable! Oh wait! That was how I knew she was going to die!

When Kobra discovers the Suicide Squad have crashfiltrated his ship, he makes a really funny joke!

Ha ha! I will be thinking on this all day and chuckling!

Meanwhile Dr. Jace begins the process of turning Violet Harper into Halo by shoving an Aurakle up inside of her. I'd like to say my heart is beating faster and I feel an overwhelming longing to be a part of Halo's life but in reality, all I feel is a distinct lack of passion, a complete loss of wonder, and old. I think maybe human beings live too long!

At least I can still enjoy cleavage. Ah. There you are, the sense of feeling something! Anything at all, even just lewd, lascivious, lusty perversion!

Violet Harper is transformed into Halo but not in the same amnesiac way she was in her original origin. This Violet Harper remembers herself and has simply gained the powers of the Aurakle and a really stupid costume. Can Rebirth make sure that changes?!

The issue ends with the Aurakle's arriving to bring back the runaway Aurakle now locked inside Violet. They plan on destroying everybody because they can. So this story went from an invasion of a small country run by a crappy prince to a full scale alien invasion of Earth! That might be the definition of fubar.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #4

I really miss discussing Ann Nocenti's Katana.

The Review or Whatever
Katana's story this issue is called "The Fall of The House of the Castle Markov" which seems a bit odd, possibly because I got it completely wrong. But at least it's optimistic! I can't stand that entire Markov family. I hope they fall along with their castle. I suppose I don't mind that Tara Markov so much although it was weird that she was underage and fucking a fifty year old man. But that was Preboot history when she was more interesting than her New 52 version. Her New 52 version was terrible because she got mixed up in a vortex of awful writers. She never even had a chance! I hope Brion Markov doesn't have a chance this issue! Hopefully Mike W. Barr took my unsolicited email advice and Brion will get shot in the face by a tank before he gets his powers. Also I don't know Mike W. Barr's email address so I just sent the email to every version of his name I could think of to every browser email service in existence. Knowing my luck, Mike W. Barr probably still uses AOL.

Kobra is currently taking over Markovia the way everybody would expect him to take over Markovia: by constantly stroking his own ego and talking about himself in the third person and trying to ignore all of the fangenders complaining that he's a Doctor Doom wannabe. I should note his abs are fucking ripped. That's what a king should look like!

Eve doesn't really know Katana if she thinks she's chatty. Also, Katana's chat-up line has never worked for me.

The Suicide Squad and the Not-Yet-Outsiders have been captured by Kobra and invited to his coronation. He must not have many friends because nobody else seems to be in the throne room. Maybe a few guards and they're most likely being paid to be there.

I wonder how many pages until Battleaxe is killed?

Oh, it was seven.

And there it is! As my song pointed out last commentary, Battleaxe was sure to be the first Suicide Squad member killed since...well, I'm not sure since when. Since Keith Giffen's 2001 version? I know some characters died in the first version of The New 52 Suicide Squad but I think they all came back to life. Except maybe for Yo Yo. Even after surviving six months in King Shark's stomach, I think death finally caught up to him.

Everybody escapes before Kobra can blow up any more heads. Obviously! It's not like this Suicide Squad roster has anybody else to spare! Although if Mike W. Barr wanted to get all Shakespearean, he could off Coldsnap and let brokenhearted Heatstork join The Outsiders.

The best part about the escape is that the kitten is also rescued!

One thing I like about Barr's Squad is how everybody calls Deadshot "Boss." They might be doing it sarcastically but I like to think that given their lives are on the line in missions like this, the team members have at least a slight modicum of respect for the team leader.

I might have used "modicum" wrong. It's hard to tell because it's a fancy word way above my pay grade.

Apparently the veterinarian helping the kitten is horrible at his job (or really good at it, seeing as how most vets' go-to move is euthanasia!) and it looks like the kitten is going to die. But Enchantress uses her magic to heal it! Yay Enchantress! Except for the fact that she's not the nicest witch on the compass. And her warning about the kitten being hungry when it wakes seems ominous.

Katana does some magic of her own and creates an all-new movie-friendly getup that makes her tits look bigger than they really are.

Why was her skin so gray previously?!

Meanwhile in an "Unknown Location" which is almost certainly Markov's experimental geothermal power plant which will later explode all over Brion Markov's stupid face, Kobra reveals to Dr. Jace his super secret hidden secret of all secrets: he has obtained a rainbow alien! He's going to shove it in Violet Harper's secret place so that she becomes Halo and I will swoon.

Katana reveals the secret of her sword to Enchantress because Katana is easily manipulated. I shouldn't judge her so harshly! I would befriend an obviously complete psychopath myself if she healed a kitten friend of mine! I would be all, "Charles Manson! My buddy! How you been, man?! I can never thank you enough for performing CPR on my little kitten buddy! Anything you want, I'll give you, buddy!"

Enchantress is ingratiating herself to Katana because Amanda Waller wants the Soulsucker blade. Of course she does! Amanda is worse than Larfleeze.

Katana and the Suicide Squad use the information from the soul of a dead Kobra guard to alert Kobra to their presence. This causes Kobra to know exactly where to aim the disintegration ray and kill them all. What did they think was going to happen?! He'd come pick them up and be all, "Hey guys! I see you have my code! That must mean you're my friends! Which you totally must be since you were at my coronation earlier! Hey, friends!" It's also possible the giant orange ray blast that hits them is some kind of teleport ray. Also also possible? Enchantress saves them all. It doesn't really matter because the kitten is safe inside Brion Markov's emergency headquarters and Halo will be joining us next issue.

The Deadshot issue is called "The Wrong Man" because the new Deadshot is now a man that nobody likes. But don't worry. Floyd will kill him in two issues.

The Suicide Squad have infiltrated one of those things that isn't really a thing but people would love to believe is a thing which is a Black Market Convention where all of the worst people go to buy all of the worst stuff ever. You know how I know these secret conventions don't exist? Because governments exist! Duh! They do all of this trading themselves! Practically right out in the open even!

The Squad's job is to capture the twelve people who organize and run the show every year. None of the Squad members are going to die in this story because they are Fake Deadshot (who Lawton totally has dibs on), Captain Boomerang, Harley Quinn, Cheetah, and Diablo. I suppose Diablo can die because he's probably going to die in the movie. But I doubt he'll die in the comic book first. That would be a total spoiler!

I know it seems improbable that the Squad can kidnap twelve people while surrounded by the best mercenaries and assassins the world has ever known but this is a comic book, you idiot. And it's not like the cover said "Suicide Squad's Most Wanted: All of the World's Best Assassins and Katana". I think we know whose story arc matters most!

I don't think that it's just that they don't fear death. Most of that one percent are just arrogant enough to believe that they will never be the one to die. They're the ones who will beat death. I don't get any of them. The thought of death makes me piss myself on a near constant basis! I'm peeing a little right now!

Lawton doesn't just not fear death though. He fucking craves it! The way I crave Oreos! Which, if you think about it, is kind of the same thing! I'm a bad-ass!

Fake Deadshot got the job because Floyd was always a loose cannon. But at least he was Waller's loose cannon! Fake Deadshot's cannon isn't just loose, it's rolling around the deck squashing sailors while firing uncontrollably at the same time! He's just looking to kill the people Amanda wants to capture. I think he may have just put in his two weeks notice.

I think I covered this, Harley. But thanks for the backup!

Harley and Diablo decide to stay on the mission which causes Diablo to get shot in the face and killed. See? That's what happens when you join the Suicide Squad and you're the only member of the team who has even the remotest possibility of being killed! Dumb dumb.

Olivia is also killed. You might be thinking "Who is Olivia?" It was Amanda Waller's assistant. That's the job that should have "suicide" in front of it.

Oh, and Diablo apparently wasn't killed. Whatever. Fuck you, you stupid No-Suicides-At-All Squad! I hope Amanda Waller's Craigslist job listing points out that her new assistant is only going to get part-time work. Mainly because they won't live for more than 40 hours.

Amanda goes off to re-recruit Floyd but finds his cell empty and covered in blood. Whoops!

Twat Lobo #12

"Heeeellllloooooooo Cedar Rapids! Are you ready to twat?!"

Twat Lobo is taking some time off from running errands for Sinestro so that he can pay more attention to his first job as the Whip of the Void Whisper. You might be thinking, "Tess, what is that? I don't even know what the House Whip does in Congress? How am I supposed to know what it means when it comes to a Metrosexual Space Assassin?" What am I? A dictionary?! If you know what a whip is--and I'm assuming you do because you're probably a nerd and all nerds know about Catwoman and Indiana Jones--then you're halfway to knowing what a person called a whip does! They're used to incentivize an employees or coworkers! I suppose the title could have been less likely to bring up slavery if they had been called "Extorts" or "Blackmails." No wait. That last one makes me think of slavery too.

Twat Lobo is hunting drug dealers who decided to ditch their drug dealing employer and strike out on their own. So Twat Lobo is becoming a mafia story just like Catwoman! At one point, Twat Lobo mentions the Darkstars which totally does nothing for me. I think the Darkstars were mostly composed of ex-cops from Chicago.

Better be careful, Twat Lobo! You're getting a little raggedy. Don't want to accidentally slip into Real Deal Lobo territory. Unless...unless you do! Is my theory correct that Twat Lobo is just the younger version of Real Deal Lobo?!

Twat Lobo mentions how his last job was hunting red, indigo, and blue lanterns for Sinestro. He doesn't mentioned how he failed to accomplishment two-thirds of that mission! I guess The Code allows for missions to be considered complete when they are one-third done.

Twat Lobo manages to inhale half of the drugs being manufactured as he murders everybody. How dangerous can that be, right?!

Congratulations! That's about 95% of the reason it's called a drug!

I know some wiseacre is out there saying that drugs are also taken to make people feel normal. Well I'm here to say wanting to feel normal is as weird as weird gets!

Twat Lobo doesn't have any of his glowing tattoos and he's wearing his old skull belt buckle! What's going on here? Am I on drugs? Did Robson Rocha forget that he's the artist on Twat Lobo and not just Lobo?

Sort-of-Twat Lobo heads onto his ship to tell himself he applied The Code correctly but walks directly into the sexiest hallucination I've ever seen!

So many frogs! *droooool*

Sort-of-Twat Lobo begins making out with his hallucination and I'm willing to admit the art is quite good. Especially the part of the art that is the hallucination's boob pressed up against Sort-of-Twat Lobo's chest! But after kissing and before the parts I'm really interested take place, Princess Lobo tears her face off. That's when she becomes the Countess and instead of being covered in horny toads, she's crawling with Hypno-Spiders! Get out of there, Sort-of-Twat Lobo! That woman is no good for you and a rapist to boot! Although if you want to stick around to be raped again, I'm not arguing.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo realizes he's just tripping whatever Czarnians trip instead of balls (it might be balls too but I don't want to assume, having never seen what's in Twat Lobo's pants! It very well could be a vagina!) when the Countess disappears. He's got to get some coffee in him and sober up! Does coffee help sober up people tripping on hallucinogens? I really should know but I wasn't into drinking coffee back when my body was loaded up with LSD and shrooms.

Need time! But there's no time to need time!

Sort-of-Twat Lobo really should have made time to need time even if he didn't have any time because he continues to hallucinate the Countess even when he thinks he's picking up a new mission. I hope the entire run of this comic book will wind up being one big hallucination. I chose "one big hallucination" because I couldn't decide if I should use the article "a" or "an" for hallucination.

After almost choking his boss Kadra because he thought she was the Countess, Sort-of-Twat Lobo runs from her office to clear his head. Maybe this time he'll actually attempt to do just that instead of crying about how much time is left in the universe. Seriously, why does Sort-of-Twat Lobo need to worry about time? Isn't he effectively immortal?

Now Sort-of-Twat Lobo has less time than before because Kadra sends out all of her hunters to punish him for choking her. As if she didn't enjoy it.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo freaks out from the drugs and begins killing all of Kadra's hunters. Then he decides to quit which The Code allows in special circumstances like when your boss doesn't enjoy being choked or when you've taken too many drugs and have to turn into Real Deal Lobo. But first he has to hunt down and kill Hal Jordan. I don't think that will go very well because Hal Jordan is currently a bad-ass motherfucker.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm throwing this issue a bone because I discovered how much I like the word "bone" after reading Green Arrow and his Bone Hunters. I'm going to create a super hero text adventure game called "Black Hunter" about an African-American super hero who hunts down white collar criminals and also racists and shit. Most scenes will involve Black Hunter arriving on scene and saying, "Never fear! Black Hunter is here!" And everybody will say "What did you say your name was?" and "Did he just say 'cunt'?" and "Is this guy in the KKK?" He'll form a superhero group to track down all the criminals they can and he'll call his team "Pack Hunt!" Oh! I should probably keep my great and not terrible ideas to myself before a white collar criminal steals them and makes thousands of dollars off of them. Instead I should say how much I actually enjoyed this issue of Twat Lobo! I think Cullen Bunn is going to steal my idea and reveal that Twat Lobo is actually Real Deal Lobo after overdosing on mystery drugs! I'm all for this series ending on that note and I will apologize to Cullen Bunn for being a jerk for so long and I will also buy him a beer. Unless he's an alcoholic and then I will buy him ten beers.

Twat Lobo #11

I guess Larfleeze is too powerful for Twat Lobo.

Twat Lobo was cancelled just in time! According to Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire himself, DC Comics was going to allow him to ruin another great DC Comics character! Here's what he said on his Tumblr:

The biggest element that will be lost is that we were going to have [Twat] Lobo find out who had put out the "contract" on Czarnia. We'll see some of that, but not much. Originally, I had a long arc where a New 52 version of [Twat] Hitman (Tommy Monaghan) would have shown up and the two would gone [sic] after "the dark forces working against the assassins behind the scenes" together.

Holy shit am I glad Twat Lobo was cancelled before that happened! Hitman does not belong in space. "Dark forces" aren't really dark forces if they're working against assassins. They're just other people in the business of being jerks! Or they're, you know, good guys! I can't imagine DC could find somebody less subtle than Cullen Bunn to write Hitman. He'd probably turn him into another bad-ass spouting bad-ass insults while accomplishing bad-ass feats. Tommy would lose any hint of maudlin or melancholy or his desperate hope for something better for the people he loves while knowing he's destined for hell and bad times no matter what. I think if Cullen Bunn had been allowed to write Hitman, I would finally have realized it's simply time to stop reading comic books. I put up with Nocenti writing Katana and Klarion. I'm putting up with Bunn writing Lobo. I put up with Lobdell writing Superman. I think Cullen Bunn writing Hitman would finally have broken me. I'm just so fucking tired of poor editorial decisions and higher ups at DC Comics not giving a shit about talent.

Although horrible books are fun to trash! That's the segue into this month's Twat Lobo!

Twat Lobo has followed Bleez back to the Red Lanterns' new home. It's a ship orbiting Ysmault. I don't know when Atrocitus took back his home. I don't know when Bleeze once again became pals with Atrocitus. I don't know why aliens come to Ysmault to get their ring when most rings just fly around the universe, land on a finger, and bring the aliens back to base. I don't know who the Rage Mother is and why she needs to hold the main power battery. What I do know is that Twat Lobo is going to kill most of the Red Lanterns and destroy the main power battery for Sinestro. Because Twat Lobo is a huge tool of the man!

I think the font is supposed to make this scary.

Twat Lobo is the greatest killer in the universe so I'm not worried about how this battle is going to go. I think I am supposed to have a raging boner prepped and ready for a ten page long gorefest of a battle! Where's my Rage Viagra?!

Before the battle really even begins, Cullen Bunn takes out his own personal feelings on a character and gains even more of my enmity than I was already allowing him.

Fuck you, Bunn. Look at the big man killing the kitty cat! What an amazing piece of writing. You piece of shit.

Hey! Guess who the vile disgusting editor of this kitty murder scene is? Yep! Sexaul Harassment Expert Eddie Berganza! What other lousy editor would give the go-ahead for killing Dex-Starr? I wonder if he's got Krypto in his sights next? Jesus Christ, I wish that Cullen Bunn would sign an exclusivity contract with Marvel. He can't get away from DC's characters fast enough.

Twat Lobo makes sure to Narration Box "These guys are hardcore" and "Let's hope I can handle it" so that the reader derives some fake tension from the battle. I guess this is finally going to be an actually tough fight for Twat Lobo! I hope he survives! No wait. I hope he doesn't survive.

Atrocitus has Twat Lobo on the ropes, drooling blood all over Twat Lobo's face! It looks like he's going to defeat Twat Lobo! He even says something about wondering if Twat Lobo can endure his wrath or something. The important thing is that you read and remembered he used the word "endure" so that a page later, you'll understand Twat Lobo's terrific and not overused by hack writers comeback line.

Get it? Atrocitus said endure and now Twat Lobo is turning it around on him by repeating it and adding "this" to the end!

Twat Lobo escapes so that his face can heal. It shouldn't heal too much though because, for some reason, Rocha is drawing him a lot more like Real Deal Lobo this issue. Maybe all this Lantern work is aging him and he'll soon look just like the version of himself who will travel back in time to be killed by his younger self in Twat Lobo #1! I bet Real Deal Lobo (who is just, in my theory, an older version of Twat Lobo) is the one who put the hit on Czarnia after coming back from the future where he was married to Tommy Monaghan and living with a bunch of space dolphins.

Twat Lobo manages to set up some traps because he escaped so far ahead of the Red Lanterns. He's like Dick Dastardly in a Wacky Race! Except more psychotic and actually willing to kill everybody in the Arkansas Chugabug and the Anthill Mob. It's super exciting! After Twat Lobo gets away, there's a page where he says, "I know! I'll make some traps with all of these Inquisitional Torture Devices I just stumbled across!" Then there's a page where one of the Red Lanterns says, "What's this!" Atrocitus says, "No! I sense you are about to explode all over the page for the benefit of all the rage boners enjoying this comic book!" And that's what happens! Then the next page, Twat Lobo is saying, "Ha ha! Suckers! Now I can rest some more and have a masturbation fantasy!"

I hope a surprise appearance by a naked lady didn't confuse all of those rage boners!

I get it. People like bad comic books for various reasons. I think the biggest reason is that they simply ignore every idiotic thing that happens because they're simply in love with the character or because they once met Cullen Bunn at a con and now they feel a bond and need to like his work. I don't like it. He makes stupid mistakes because he's not paying attention to the things he's previously written just a few pages ago. Like in the previous issue where Twat Lobo claims he did research on the Indigo Lanterns and then is surprised by their ability to teleport. Let me walk you through just some technical shit that turns me off from this poorly written issue. We'll begin with Twat Lobo having just killed another Red Lantern.

Here we see Twat Lobo declare that he's gotta keep his distance. He also feels bad for them because they'll never see him coming. See, he controls his rage while they are puppets of their own rage. Advantage: Twat Lobo!

Whoops! Twat Lobo underestimates Atrocitus and doesn't see him coming! Advantage: Atrocitus.

So far, so good. Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance and he's learned that maybe Atrocitus isn't as dumb and clumsy and rampagy as he thought. Twat Lobo is no Midnighter! So now Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance, right?!

Okay, so Atrocitus was right on top of him and then in the next panel, Twat Lobo has extended the space between them. Great job, Twat Lobo! You've got a gun and everything! You can remain at that distance and finish him off!

It looks like Twat Lobo's plan is coming together! Now let's take a look at the next panel!

What the holy fuck are you fucking doing, Twat Lobo?! You had one clear strategy! KEEP YOUR FUCKING DISTANCE!

This entire sequence would be fine if the panel showing Twat Lobo far away from Atrocitus (and, by the way, don't make him charging Atrocitus in that panel when he has long range weapons and the distance he needs) was just expunged from the scene. Just have Atrocitus break through the wall and bite Twat Lobo. No need for a "Big guy got the jump on me again" Narration Box because this is a fucking comic book and the reader sort of already saw that in the visuals. And no need for a "dammit, got too close" Narration Box either because the whole "got the jump on" thing sort of takes precedence. The whole thing comes across as amateurish. And I didn't even bother with the two panels that follow, the first of which shows Twat Lobo punching Atrocitus in the chin and yelling, "Get off!" And then the second one shows Twat Lobo six feet away and charging Atrocitus. Nice spatial work, guys! I can't complain enough about this scene! Plus I'm still angry at Dex-Starr's death.

Just to be clear: the previous complaint wasn't all just about Cullen Bunn. It's also about Frank Barbiere, Robson Rocha, Mike Cotton, and Eddie Berganza.

Twat Lobo manages to stab Atrocitus in the heart and then shoot him into paste.

Zing!

After Twat Lobo destroys Atrocitus, he finds that the Red Lantern Power Battery has disappeared. His entire goal was to destroy it so what does The Code say? It says he can shrug and go back to Sinestro having not finished the job, apparently.

The issue ends with the Rage Mother vomiting up all of the Red Lanterns that Twat Lobo killed, including Dex-Starr and Atrocitus. Well, I guess Cullen Bunn didn't get the go ahead to kill the characters. So this bullshit ending had to be tacked on which means that nothing actually happened during this issue. Great. Can I have my money back then?

Twat Lobo #11 Rating: -5 Ranking. Fuck you, Cullen Bunn. Fuck you, Robson Rocha. Fuck you, Mike Cotton. Fuck you five times or more, Eddie Berganza. The only person I'm leaving off the hook for this toxic waste dump of an issue is Ruy Jose because he just traced the bullshit that came out of Rocha's pencils. At least Cullen Bunn finally got me to feel something for one of his issues. I was fucking pissed that he killed Dex-Starr. But you know what? I'm pissed even more by the ending that erased the entire fucking issue! My guess is Cullen Bunn turned in the issue and Mike or Eddie was all, "You can't kill Dex-Starr and Atrocitus after all. I know we discussed it and even jerked each other off while planning it but I just got a memo that we can't do it." So Cullen picked up a Post-It Note and scribbled the ending where a new character named Rage Mother vomits everybody back into existence. Bam! Send it to the printer! I might be wrong. But if I am? It's even fucking worse if this was the plan from the start! This issue was an insult to comic book fans. Luckily not many comic book fans were probably insulted by it because who is actually purchasing and reading this shit, amirite?!